WEBVTT 00:00:01.739 --> 00:00:10.019 Guys is this thing on? What is up besties it 00:00:10.019 --> 00:00:13.000 is your host Zoe and I'm back with another episode 00:00:13.000 --> 00:00:16.420 on the Did I Over Share podcast today, so I've 00:00:16.420 --> 00:00:19.679 been gone Really friendly about a week. I didn't 00:00:19.679 --> 00:00:21.379 know really how long I was gonna be gone. I'm 00:00:21.379 --> 00:00:24.739 gonna be honest But I am going to let you know 00:00:24.739 --> 00:00:27.480 today's episode is a bit of a different episode 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:32.929 a very different episode And if you don't want 00:00:32.929 --> 00:00:35.490 to listen to it, I don't blame any single part 00:00:35.490 --> 00:00:40.049 of you. I don't know. I feel like I talk to women, 00:00:40.049 --> 00:00:43.210 right? This is a very much thing that happens 00:00:43.210 --> 00:00:46.810 to everyday people. So I was like, you know, 00:00:46.890 --> 00:00:49.090 as much as it sucks, I'm going to talk about 00:00:49.090 --> 00:00:51.149 it. And there's also going to be probably crying 00:00:51.149 --> 00:00:53.929 in today's episode. So if you don't like that 00:00:53.929 --> 00:00:57.649 either, then dip. Because, oh, I'm also recording. 00:00:58.310 --> 00:01:00.229 But my eyes is, they're getting a lot of water. 00:01:00.700 --> 00:01:02.539 And you know, I thought they wouldn't because 00:01:02.539 --> 00:01:05.560 you know, granted I'm still in my grieving process, 00:01:05.620 --> 00:01:08.540 but it's just like I was like, okay, it's been 00:01:08.540 --> 00:01:11.180 a week. I can like, I can talk, it's been like 00:01:11.180 --> 00:01:14.560 two weeks. But yeah, no, today's conversation 00:01:14.560 --> 00:01:16.900 will be miscarriageous. So if you don't want 00:01:16.900 --> 00:01:18.519 to do that, like listen to that, click on this 00:01:18.519 --> 00:01:20.500 episode. I don't blame you. It's not everybody's 00:01:20.500 --> 00:01:23.480 cup of tea. Some people may not want to relive 00:01:23.480 --> 00:01:25.159 this or just hear about it in general, or they 00:01:25.159 --> 00:01:28.019 don't like, you know, people crying and all this 00:01:28.019 --> 00:01:30.739 extra stuff. Don't blame you at all if you do 00:01:30.739 --> 00:01:33.340 not want to listen, but that is what today's 00:01:33.340 --> 00:01:39.500 episode is So yeah, I don't I Don't know where 00:01:39.500 --> 00:01:41.939 this episode is going. I don't really know there's 00:01:41.939 --> 00:01:47.900 no structure, right? But yeah, I did experience 00:01:47.900 --> 00:01:51.379 a miscarriage pretty far along I had to give 00:01:51.379 --> 00:01:54.519 birth the worst worst thing I think I've ever 00:01:54.519 --> 00:01:57.439 been through my life And that's coming from a 00:01:57.439 --> 00:02:00.359 bitch who's been through a lot of shit and i 00:02:00.359 --> 00:02:03.140 always thought oh my gosh you know this this 00:02:03.140 --> 00:02:08.259 is it this is it no honey this this was the icing 00:02:08.259 --> 00:02:14.319 on the cake okay so i was 17 weeks 17 weeks pregnant 00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:18.259 um in my recent like my first ultrasound not 00:02:18.259 --> 00:02:20.139 my first but like my most recent ultrasound scan 00:02:20.139 --> 00:02:24.039 besides this one i think i was like 12 13 weeks 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:28.750 and when we went my my son He was he was on ultrasound 00:02:28.750 --> 00:02:30.629 just kicking everything like that. My pregnancy 00:02:30.629 --> 00:02:32.610 was low risk. Everything was low risk not had 00:02:32.610 --> 00:02:36.370 any complications And yeah, everything was good 00:02:36.370 --> 00:02:39.990 Three four weeks later. We have another appointment 00:02:39.990 --> 00:02:43.110 I'm gonna be so honest. I was waiting for September 00:02:43.110 --> 00:02:45.990 for the longest because This is what my anatomy 00:02:45.990 --> 00:02:49.569 scan was. I was like so excited. I don't know 00:02:49.569 --> 00:02:52.770 I feel like I didn't get to see baby a lot because 00:02:52.770 --> 00:02:54.270 I don't know what it was You know how people 00:02:54.270 --> 00:02:56.229 get so many pictures at the damn like ultrasound 00:02:56.229 --> 00:02:59.229 thing Did not I got like one and then two like 00:02:59.229 --> 00:03:01.449 that was it so I was just like I want to see 00:03:01.449 --> 00:03:06.189 my baby and Yeah, we went in on the eighth Monday 00:03:06.189 --> 00:03:12.949 the eighth and I Had the urge I had the urge 00:03:12.949 --> 00:03:15.370 for a couple days leading up I was like I want 00:03:15.370 --> 00:03:17.169 to see the baby like I was literally crying and 00:03:17.169 --> 00:03:18.849 I was just like sorry if you you were watching 00:03:18.849 --> 00:03:21.169 this and you see me Adjusting my camera. I feel 00:03:21.169 --> 00:03:24.449 like I'm tweaking out but um I was like I want 00:03:24.449 --> 00:03:27.219 to see the baby. I want to see the baby in Just 00:03:27.219 --> 00:03:28.919 had like I don't know. I felt like that day was 00:03:28.919 --> 00:03:30.360 such a big day, but I thought more so on a good 00:03:30.360 --> 00:03:35.300 reason No Um, so yeah, we showed up at the appointment. 00:03:35.319 --> 00:03:36.840 I really haven't went through any of the steps 00:03:36.840 --> 00:03:39.639 before so like please bear with me I'm already 00:03:39.639 --> 00:03:42.080 someone who cries a lot. So if you don't want 00:03:42.080 --> 00:03:44.479 to listen this like I said, I don't blame you 00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:50.340 anyway So we go there Chillin, you know Why is 00:03:50.340 --> 00:03:53.520 my phone tilting, guys? I'm so sorry. I'm so 00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:56.280 sorry. So we go there, um, laying down, we're 00:03:56.280 --> 00:03:59.219 yapping a gee with my OB and, you know, talking. 00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.680 And then she's like, oh yeah, I was like, can 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:05.840 I get an ultrasound today? Like the ones they 00:04:05.840 --> 00:04:08.560 bring into the room, not like the big ones. Cause 00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:09.939 she was just, you know, they just listened to 00:04:09.939 --> 00:04:11.659 baby's heartbeat at that point. Cause I mean, 00:04:11.680 --> 00:04:13.539 there's not much you can do. And then the anatomy 00:04:13.539 --> 00:04:17.139 stands in like three weeks. So she brings the, 00:04:17.139 --> 00:04:21.759 um, the damn machine in. fuck that machine and 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:26.220 you know it's funny my dumbass well very not 00:04:26.220 --> 00:04:28.920 dumb i'm gonna call myself dumb but put baby 00:04:28.920 --> 00:04:31.860 on the screen and he was just like cuddled up 00:04:31.860 --> 00:04:34.879 cuddled up in there like i'm talking like just 00:04:34.879 --> 00:04:37.680 cuddled up like literally like i don't know what 00:04:37.680 --> 00:04:40.519 he was along but he was like on the side of my 00:04:40.519 --> 00:04:42.139 stomach but like cuddled up in there and i was 00:04:42.139 --> 00:04:45.040 like oh my gosh he's sleeping yeah bitch for 00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:48.870 eternity like what's and So I knew something 00:04:48.870 --> 00:04:50.689 was wrong when she was talking to us and then 00:04:50.689 --> 00:04:52.870 she just stopped talking She just kept she just 00:04:52.870 --> 00:04:55.290 kept pushing on my damn stomach like looking 00:04:55.290 --> 00:04:58.730 around. I was just like, oh What's wrong? It's 00:04:58.730 --> 00:05:00.230 like I expected something to be wrong. I just 00:05:00.230 --> 00:05:03.629 didn't know It was gonna be a dead baby. That 00:05:03.629 --> 00:05:07.709 was wrong. So Yeah, she's just pushing around 00:05:07.709 --> 00:05:11.730 and shit and I'm just like oh What's wrong with 00:05:11.730 --> 00:05:14.550 my child? She's like, um, we can't find baby's 00:05:14.550 --> 00:05:19.000 heartbeat. I said What immediate tears immediate 00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:23.600 shit shows? immediate What did I do? What did 00:05:23.600 --> 00:05:25.779 I do wrong cuz I mean, of course you're gonna 00:05:25.779 --> 00:05:28.720 be like the fuck did I do what the fuck was wrong? 00:05:29.860 --> 00:05:33.699 so She's like, I'm pretty positive. There's no 00:05:33.699 --> 00:05:37.579 heartbeat But let's go to the bigger room mind 00:05:37.579 --> 00:05:39.879 you I didn't even know that miscarriages after 00:05:39.879 --> 00:05:43.649 like 12 weeks were like two percent like two 00:05:43.649 --> 00:05:45.550 one percent if you're already low risk like you 00:05:45.550 --> 00:05:47.730 don't have anything wrong with you only like 00:05:47.730 --> 00:05:50.930 one percent two percent not me being one percent 00:05:50.930 --> 00:05:56.149 um and so yeah we went to the bigger ultrasound 00:05:56.149 --> 00:06:01.269 room and confirmed baby was not a hard to beat 00:06:01.269 --> 00:06:05.509 in that mother fucker um so yeah still actively 00:06:05.509 --> 00:06:09.470 losing my shit because how else do i react yeah 00:06:09.470 --> 00:06:13.220 and then Took us back into another room to talk 00:06:13.220 --> 00:06:16.420 it out because she told me she was like so Okay, 00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:17.899 first of all, let me say I did tell her I was 00:06:17.899 --> 00:06:20.360 like, what do I do cuz I'm like North Carolina's 00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:24.540 a red state. I Can't I'm just gonna have to hold 00:06:24.540 --> 00:06:26.540 hold it a baby Like I was honestly thinking the 00:06:26.540 --> 00:06:28.399 worst at this point cuz I was just like what? 00:06:29.019 --> 00:06:31.480 What what am I gonna do? But I don't know what 00:06:31.480 --> 00:06:33.579 the fuck's happening. I really honestly that 00:06:33.579 --> 00:06:35.939 day I can't really remember it so I'm trying 00:06:35.939 --> 00:06:38.459 to tell it the best of my memory because it's 00:06:38.459 --> 00:06:42.899 dead -ass blocked from my mind Um So yeah, they 00:06:42.899 --> 00:06:44.819 put us in a whole different room. I have to deliver 00:06:44.819 --> 00:06:46.819 the baby She's just like you can do it today. 00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:50.300 You can do it a different time Best bet would 00:06:50.300 --> 00:06:52.860 be to do it immediately and stuff like that. 00:06:52.939 --> 00:06:57.959 So, you know Michi thank God Michi I'm not gonna 00:06:57.959 --> 00:07:01.660 cry it Michi a hundred out of a hundred fiance 00:07:01.660 --> 00:07:04.899 throughout this whole thing Like I just I thank 00:07:04.899 --> 00:07:07.620 God every day that I met the most perfect man 00:07:07.620 --> 00:07:11.500 ever Who loves me unconditionally that man was 00:07:11.500 --> 00:07:13.240 perfect this process even though his heart was 00:07:13.240 --> 00:07:15.399 breaking as well And you know, it's a lot will 00:07:15.399 --> 00:07:17.480 grant him. He's gonna cry. It's his kid, but 00:07:17.480 --> 00:07:20.100 the cries like in our seven years I think I could 00:07:20.100 --> 00:07:23.399 see them drop a tear a teardrop one time. Oh 00:07:23.399 --> 00:07:26.360 this man was sobbing Not yet. Not yet, though. 00:07:26.420 --> 00:07:28.459 So we're in the room and he's talking to me as 00:07:28.459 --> 00:07:32.620 I am Inconsolable and he's just like I cuz I 00:07:32.620 --> 00:07:34.759 in my head first thing I was saying and I know 00:07:34.759 --> 00:07:37.800 like off -bat this might sound Weird, but first 00:07:37.800 --> 00:07:38.899 thing I was like, I don't want to see a dead 00:07:38.899 --> 00:07:40.220 baby. I don't want to give birth to a dead baby. 00:07:40.379 --> 00:07:42.939 I can't, I can't, I can't do that. Cause you 00:07:42.939 --> 00:07:44.259 know, like I've always seen like people post 00:07:44.259 --> 00:07:46.620 pictures of like pre -term babies and stuff like 00:07:46.620 --> 00:07:48.139 that. And it like terrifies me. And I'm just 00:07:48.139 --> 00:07:49.459 like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to 00:07:49.459 --> 00:07:52.819 do that. Amici is looking at me in my face and 00:07:52.819 --> 00:07:54.939 he's just like, I can't lose both of you. What 00:07:54.939 --> 00:07:57.180 did we talk about? He was like, what did we talk 00:07:57.180 --> 00:07:58.300 about? Do you know what happens when you keep 00:07:58.300 --> 00:07:59.980 that baby in you? I think nurse Amici was coming 00:07:59.980 --> 00:08:01.779 through. Do you know what happens if you keep 00:08:01.779 --> 00:08:04.040 that baby in you? So many things had happened. 00:08:04.439 --> 00:08:06.759 And I can't lose you too. So we're going to figure 00:08:06.759 --> 00:08:10.060 this out. We're going to do it today. I'm telling 00:08:10.060 --> 00:08:12.360 you we're going to do it today. Just tell me 00:08:12.360 --> 00:08:15.740 how much time you need. And I'm just like, I 00:08:15.740 --> 00:08:18.920 don't fucking know. I don't know. Like, what 00:08:18.920 --> 00:08:23.319 are you asking me right now? Yeah, that was that. 00:08:24.620 --> 00:08:26.899 Tear, tear, tear. And then we drive to the hospital. 00:08:27.360 --> 00:08:31.100 Get to the hospital. My other doctors already 00:08:31.100 --> 00:08:32.679 waiting for me because how my doctor works is 00:08:32.679 --> 00:08:35.299 they always have an OB on call multiple OBs on 00:08:35.299 --> 00:08:38.299 call for like Giving birth and thank God the 00:08:38.299 --> 00:08:40.659 OB on call was also my best friend's OB and the 00:08:40.659 --> 00:08:44.019 girl who did my first like pelvic exam Love her 00:08:44.019 --> 00:08:47.740 down. She is the best doctor ever. Um So that 00:08:47.740 --> 00:08:51.279 was good I get there and I'm just like and mind 00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:52.899 you I had to sit in the room with every single 00:08:52.899 --> 00:08:57.110 other pregnant mother and I'm gonna talk about 00:08:57.110 --> 00:08:59.169 later how much envy I felt after this, like how 00:08:59.169 --> 00:09:01.669 much anger and sadness I had for other mothers. 00:09:02.929 --> 00:09:05.250 And I, and I don't know if that's, like I know 00:09:05.250 --> 00:09:06.809 it's normal, but I don't know. I'll get to that 00:09:06.809 --> 00:09:08.149 later. But yeah, I'm sending them to the weight 00:09:08.149 --> 00:09:13.230 room, they take me back. Cool. Cool, she's like, 00:09:13.350 --> 00:09:15.809 I gotta put these pills in your couch so you 00:09:15.809 --> 00:09:19.070 can deliver. There are multiple sets of pills, 00:09:19.110 --> 00:09:22.330 right? And apparently my body's sensitive. She 00:09:22.330 --> 00:09:23.850 was like, oh yeah, these should take like two 00:09:23.850 --> 00:09:26.620 hours before you feel any cramping. it took me 00:09:26.620 --> 00:09:29.539 10 minutes and I felt cramping. I'm hooked up 00:09:29.539 --> 00:09:32.600 to IVs, I'm doing everything and I just can't 00:09:32.600 --> 00:09:34.600 honestly at this point I think it's when I tapped 00:09:34.600 --> 00:09:37.519 out because I don't really feel like I don't 00:09:37.519 --> 00:09:39.399 remember feeling emotion at this point like I 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:41.039 just remember sitting in that hospital bed like 00:09:41.039 --> 00:09:46.539 okay okay like what the fuck is happening um 00:09:46.539 --> 00:09:50.299 so yeah I start cramping immediately nothing's 00:09:50.299 --> 00:09:52.720 too serious I'm too serious okay and she's like 00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:55.490 well We could just give you when you feel pain 00:09:55.490 --> 00:09:57.570 we can give you normal pain pills or we can do 00:09:57.570 --> 00:09:59.129 epidural most people get the epidural because 00:09:59.129 --> 00:10:02.230 you got to remember This is actual labor like 00:10:02.230 --> 00:10:03.809 granted. You're not gonna rip her tear the baby's 00:10:03.809 --> 00:10:06.250 not that big, but it is actual labor You're going 00:10:06.250 --> 00:10:09.750 through actual labor, and I was like I was like 00:10:09.750 --> 00:10:11.450 that's doing too much. That's doing too much 00:10:11.450 --> 00:10:13.309 for this like I'm not giving birth to a whole 00:10:13.309 --> 00:10:16.789 damn baby girl. Yes, you are please yes, you 00:10:16.789 --> 00:10:23.379 are um Yeah, so cramping cramping my booty off 00:10:23.379 --> 00:10:24.879 and I think 30 minutes later after that first 00:10:24.879 --> 00:10:29.679 one I give me the medicine okay cool that was 00:10:29.679 --> 00:10:33.360 normal ibuprofen normal ibuprofen and then we 00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:37.460 get to four hours it's four hour increments and 00:10:37.460 --> 00:10:39.539 they give me the second pills put them straight 00:10:39.539 --> 00:10:42.470 up my couch and I'm just like Lord no Mind you 00:10:42.470 --> 00:10:45.029 I just would like to say I had the best nurses 00:10:45.029 --> 00:10:47.789 through this process. I think I I made every 00:10:47.789 --> 00:10:49.570 single this is a skill of mine I made every single 00:10:49.570 --> 00:10:51.450 doctor and nurse in that bitch cry that day. 00:10:51.570 --> 00:10:54.029 Okay, I mean everybody cry especially my nurse. 00:10:54.029 --> 00:10:57.970 I had great nurses One of them she prayed for 00:10:57.970 --> 00:11:00.789 us. She held my hand. She let me scream cry do 00:11:00.789 --> 00:11:04.929 it fuck I needed to do And yeah, so then that 00:11:04.929 --> 00:11:11.769 second one came around I was like Give me the 00:11:11.769 --> 00:11:15.850 drugs Literally why fuck they give me fentanyl 00:11:15.850 --> 00:11:20.610 and let me tell you fentanyl is a crazy drug 00:11:20.610 --> 00:11:22.710 First of all it's fentanyl second of all granted 00:11:22.710 --> 00:11:25.049 it's hospital fentanyl but the second that shit 00:11:25.049 --> 00:11:27.649 put in I thought I was dying I leaned back on 00:11:27.649 --> 00:11:28.909 the bed I said they're asking me questions I'm 00:11:28.909 --> 00:11:33.610 like I can't I can't talk I can't see I don't 00:11:33.610 --> 00:11:35.389 know what the fuck is happening fentanyl worked 00:11:35.389 --> 00:11:38.190 five minutes fuck that shit fuck that shit give 00:11:38.190 --> 00:11:43.389 me the real shit um pain Excruciating oh my god 00:11:43.389 --> 00:11:45.590 labor pain people out here are doing a natural 00:11:45.590 --> 00:11:47.429 I mean technically I did go the whole thing natural 00:11:47.429 --> 00:11:49.429 right because I didn't get epidural because at 00:11:49.429 --> 00:11:51.470 the end when I put those the three pills in there 00:11:51.470 --> 00:11:53.830 that Last little round I was done for I was on 00:11:53.830 --> 00:11:56.210 the button the button that you push for pain 00:11:56.210 --> 00:11:59.009 But I kept hitting my damn max I was rocking 00:11:59.009 --> 00:12:00.509 and screaming and I felt like I was the only 00:12:00.509 --> 00:12:03.769 person on that floor I was like like losing my 00:12:03.769 --> 00:12:06.980 mind Michi amazing angels throughout the whole 00:12:06.980 --> 00:12:09.100 thing talking me through it getting me through 00:12:09.100 --> 00:12:10.460 everything and they're like oh you're gonna feel 00:12:10.460 --> 00:12:12.480 like you have to poop you're gonna feel like 00:12:12.480 --> 00:12:14.899 you have to poop and i was like yeah and i was 00:12:14.899 --> 00:12:16.960 terrified i'm like i just can't do this i can't 00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:19.620 do it i can't like i i i don't know how i'm gonna 00:12:19.620 --> 00:12:23.440 do this like i this this isn't real this isn't 00:12:23.440 --> 00:12:24.960 real i feel like that was the only thing going 00:12:24.960 --> 00:12:26.799 through my brain that's the only thing i remember 00:12:26.799 --> 00:12:31.679 thinking to myself is this isn't real right um 00:12:32.399 --> 00:12:33.980 And we got to them to the point I'm getting down 00:12:33.980 --> 00:12:37.700 this I'm making this real fast um got down I'm 00:12:37.700 --> 00:12:40.360 like y 'all know mm -hmm Try to get me online 00:12:40.360 --> 00:12:43.200 for that girl so many bitches upstairs like giving 00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:45.559 birth They need the epidural so they're getting 00:12:45.559 --> 00:12:47.460 that girl and they can't do the epidural downstairs 00:12:47.460 --> 00:12:51.620 Because it's not qualified for it right so they 00:12:51.620 --> 00:12:54.019 had no room for me upstairs So I gotta get that 00:12:54.019 --> 00:12:56.139 epidural biggest mistake of my life. I should 00:12:56.139 --> 00:12:58.500 have said that second I walked in worst pain 00:12:58.500 --> 00:13:01.320 I've ever felt um So yeah, I get to the point 00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:05.460 where I'm like, you know, I Gotta I gotta pull 00:13:05.460 --> 00:13:09.919 Yep, it's not poop. Y 'all. It's not it is not 00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:14.980 poop It's not um, I should my baby out essentially 00:13:14.980 --> 00:13:19.720 They wanted to prevent that of course, that's 00:13:19.720 --> 00:13:21.620 all they want to do is prevent that but I said 00:13:21.620 --> 00:13:25.330 no get me on this toilet And I remember Michi 00:13:25.330 --> 00:13:27.169 telling me afterwards, like, he was like, it 00:13:27.169 --> 00:13:28.509 was the craziest thing I've ever fucking seen 00:13:28.509 --> 00:13:30.009 in my life. I just seen feet hanging out of your 00:13:30.009 --> 00:13:34.710 vagina. And I said, oh. Oh. I don't remember 00:13:34.710 --> 00:13:36.289 this whole process. I'm going to be so honest. 00:13:36.750 --> 00:13:38.870 Well, the only part I can vividly remember is 00:13:38.870 --> 00:13:40.909 when I first felt it come out. And I was just 00:13:40.909 --> 00:13:44.169 like, this is graphic. I'm sorry. But you know, 00:13:44.309 --> 00:13:46.190 if you don't want to hear, I told you don't listen. 00:13:47.190 --> 00:13:49.860 And I just remember saying, holy fuck, no. Can't 00:13:49.860 --> 00:13:51.360 do it. Can't do it. Close my eyes. And I was 00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:53.460 like, this isn't real. I tried so hard to be 00:13:53.460 --> 00:13:57.120 anywhere but there. I can't do this. I can't. 00:13:57.279 --> 00:14:00.279 And then fast forward that happened. My placenta 00:14:00.279 --> 00:14:03.159 was still inside. My placenta was still inside. 00:14:03.340 --> 00:14:05.480 An hour later, still inside. Wasn't coming out. 00:14:05.799 --> 00:14:07.620 Was not coming out. So I had to get surgery. 00:14:08.360 --> 00:14:11.480 Not surgery, a procedure. You're still under. 00:14:12.039 --> 00:14:14.679 You're still under. Why is my phone like tilting? 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:20.299 Like I'm getting stressed out. Um, yeah, I had 00:14:20.299 --> 00:14:22.220 to go under a procedure where they like scrape 00:14:22.220 --> 00:14:25.259 my uterus out Get everything out. It's terrifying. 00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:27.039 I thought I was gonna die. I've never been in 00:14:27.039 --> 00:14:30.639 the hospital for myself I was begging those nurses 00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:34.419 not to let me die actually Yeah, that's what 00:14:34.419 --> 00:14:36.940 I was doing I held hands with every single woman 00:14:36.940 --> 00:14:39.240 in that room and then oddly enough this girl 00:14:39.240 --> 00:14:40.740 I used to work with she was a nurse there too 00:14:40.740 --> 00:14:42.779 rushing me back and I was like, what the fuck? 00:14:43.340 --> 00:14:45.019 What the fuck is happening? I was high I was 00:14:45.019 --> 00:14:46.720 high out of my mind like the second they put 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:48.539 me on that table. I don't remember thinking I 00:14:48.539 --> 00:14:50.419 don't remember having my own thoughts at that 00:14:50.419 --> 00:14:53.620 point. So yeah, that's what happened. We got 00:14:53.620 --> 00:14:55.659 him cremated. Michi did that whole process because 00:14:55.659 --> 00:15:02.159 I could not fathom anything. Michi equally sobbed. 00:15:02.440 --> 00:15:04.700 He definitely heals quicker than I do. Well, 00:15:04.700 --> 00:15:06.980 in different ways. I think we're grieving very 00:15:06.980 --> 00:15:11.740 differently because he sobbed 24 -7. He couldn't 00:15:11.740 --> 00:15:15.539 stop. Everything like that. And then me, I was 00:15:15.539 --> 00:15:18.230 like perfectly fine at the hospital. I was just 00:15:18.230 --> 00:15:20.809 like, there wasn't a thought that really went 00:15:20.809 --> 00:15:23.350 through my head. And then that first day home, 00:15:23.610 --> 00:15:26.409 I just, I couldn't do anything. We went grocery 00:15:26.409 --> 00:15:29.090 shopping. We had to leave grocery shopping because 00:15:29.090 --> 00:15:31.250 I was sobbing at the fucking grocery store because 00:15:31.250 --> 00:15:33.789 I seen tater tots. And baby boy loved eating 00:15:33.789 --> 00:15:35.769 fucking tater tots when I was fucking pregnant 00:15:35.769 --> 00:15:40.769 and I lost my fucking marbles. Okay? I hated 00:15:40.769 --> 00:15:43.970 going anywhere in public. Still do I like I hate 00:15:43.970 --> 00:15:46.350 seeing people with their kids at this time um 00:15:46.350 --> 00:15:47.830 now it makes me feel better because I go to the 00:15:47.830 --> 00:15:49.970 park and I love seeing people with their kids 00:15:49.970 --> 00:15:51.929 because you know now I have more of a positive 00:15:51.929 --> 00:15:55.250 outlook because immediately after I was telling 00:15:55.250 --> 00:15:59.009 me she I was like I don't and Okay, let me preface 00:15:59.009 --> 00:16:01.509 this before I say this the only thing I've ever 00:16:01.509 --> 00:16:03.610 wanted to do in life And you know some people 00:16:03.610 --> 00:16:06.029 might you know use evil eye for this. I don't 00:16:06.029 --> 00:16:07.830 care fuck you You're not more powerful than me 00:16:07.830 --> 00:16:10.509 fuck you That's what I gotta say to that. To 00:16:10.509 --> 00:16:12.370 all the obssessing, that's what I gotta say to 00:16:12.370 --> 00:16:17.330 that. The only thing I've ever wanted in life 00:16:17.330 --> 00:16:20.169 is children. Every single time in the past where 00:16:20.169 --> 00:16:23.529 I've like, tried to, everything else, like, okay, 00:16:23.570 --> 00:16:26.669 you know what? Only thing I'm holding on to, 00:16:26.809 --> 00:16:29.169 children, I want kids one day. I want kids one 00:16:29.169 --> 00:16:31.809 day. And what a funny fucking prank. For the 00:16:31.809 --> 00:16:35.610 first time I get a kid, it is yeeted from my 00:16:35.610 --> 00:16:37.899 cooch. What the hell? So that's kind of where 00:16:37.899 --> 00:16:40.039 I was I was like, how do you try again after 00:16:40.039 --> 00:16:41.580 a miscarriage? Like I'm like, well, what if this 00:16:41.580 --> 00:16:43.740 happens again? Honestly, I was going through 00:16:43.740 --> 00:16:45.960 every single bad thing in my head. I'm terrified 00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:48.080 and I'm gonna be honest. I'm still terrified 00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:51.200 I'm so terrified. We we tried for that kid. We 00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:54.279 planned for that baby. So it was just like in 00:16:54.279 --> 00:16:58.179 my head So unfair like unfair I feel like of 00:16:58.179 --> 00:17:01.120 me to say but immediately after all I could think 00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:03.960 was How do these people get these babies? They 00:17:03.960 --> 00:17:05.940 don't want And to be honest, I thought about 00:17:05.940 --> 00:17:08.559 my own family. I'm like, you have babies but 00:17:08.559 --> 00:17:10.319 you're on drugs. You're probably but you're on 00:17:10.319 --> 00:17:12.819 drugs and you're still caring full term. I was 00:17:12.819 --> 00:17:15.160 thinking of every single thing in my brain and 00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:18.359 I was just like, it's so unfair. Which, y 'all 00:17:18.359 --> 00:17:24.240 know it's unfair. Life unfair. Yeah, so and then 00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:25.960 I would just catch myself every single night. 00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:28.460 You know what? I would think, oh, I'm good. You 00:17:28.460 --> 00:17:31.900 know what? It's fine. I did give birth in the 00:17:31.900 --> 00:17:33.380 middle of night, so I gave birth like 4 a .m. 00:17:33.380 --> 00:17:35.079 Right and I didn't know this my doctor put two 00:17:35.079 --> 00:17:37.299 and two together, but I remember Every single 00:17:37.299 --> 00:17:39.519 night. I would just sit here and the clock would 00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:43.680 hit like three four. I'm screaming I Am on the 00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:47.640 floor sobbing screaming Asking God take me with 00:17:47.640 --> 00:17:49.839 them. You know every fucking thing in the book. 00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:57.319 You know I Was not here truly And I've never 00:17:57.319 --> 00:17:59.779 seen myself that bad and that is one thing Many 00:17:59.779 --> 00:18:03.460 times if I've been severely depressed like medicine 00:18:03.460 --> 00:18:05.779 like all of that as many times as I've done that 00:18:05.779 --> 00:18:09.380 I can say I Never like I might ate less, but 00:18:09.380 --> 00:18:11.579 I always ate. I was always a big bag. I always 00:18:11.579 --> 00:18:15.299 still loved food This when I tell you I didn't 00:18:15.299 --> 00:18:18.720 shower. I didn't eat. I didn't brush my teeth 00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:20.839 I didn't do my hair and I know that might sound 00:18:20.839 --> 00:18:25.450 crazy, but I've never felt Anything that debilitating 00:18:25.450 --> 00:18:26.990 like a pain that debilitating because I've always 00:18:26.990 --> 00:18:28.990 had you know Maybe like maybe I can look up to 00:18:28.990 --> 00:18:32.250 this like yeah when I like I can look up to this 00:18:32.250 --> 00:18:36.329 pain is a whole Different like my body literally 00:18:36.329 --> 00:18:38.069 I felt that mental pain, but I also felt the 00:18:38.069 --> 00:18:40.450 physical pain First of all my body is healing 00:18:40.450 --> 00:18:44.950 great, but it's just like that first couple days 00:18:44.950 --> 00:18:51.190 I Don't really know where I left off I'm gonna 00:18:51.190 --> 00:18:54.680 be honest. I needed a minute So yeah, I was just 00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:58.019 up every single night screaming and crying asking 00:18:58.019 --> 00:19:02.079 why to every single thing in the book My pregnancy 00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:05.559 was also very spiritual. So I was I'm gonna be 00:19:05.559 --> 00:19:09.440 so honest. I was angry I'm not gonna say I still 00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:12.500 am but a part of me still is Angry at my spirit 00:19:12.500 --> 00:19:14.980 team my ancestors. I'm angry at God. I'm angry 00:19:14.980 --> 00:19:18.140 at myself just every single thing the book in 00:19:18.140 --> 00:19:20.420 those first couple days after you just think 00:19:20.420 --> 00:19:22.509 about every single thing you You could have done 00:19:22.509 --> 00:19:25.029 wrong. Like, what did I do wrong? Oh my gosh, 00:19:25.130 --> 00:19:28.230 you know, this day I ate this, you know? You 00:19:28.230 --> 00:19:31.490 know, this day, maybe this bottle hit my stomach. 00:19:31.549 --> 00:19:33.309 Like, I really did not have a hard pregnancy. 00:19:33.450 --> 00:19:35.009 I was just really thinking about every single 00:19:35.009 --> 00:19:38.569 thing I could have did wrong. And at this point, 00:19:38.630 --> 00:19:40.450 we've gotten all testing back. The only thing 00:19:40.450 --> 00:19:42.529 we haven't got back is the autopsy from Baby 00:19:42.529 --> 00:19:47.950 Boy. We got his ashes. I took more blood work. 00:19:48.730 --> 00:19:51.069 Me and she got blood work done. Nothing's going 00:19:51.069 --> 00:19:54.109 on with him like hypertension like nothing nothing 00:19:54.109 --> 00:19:56.049 like that I got more blood work to see if I had 00:19:56.049 --> 00:19:59.289 like a clotting disease Because the only thing 00:19:59.289 --> 00:20:01.609 that we have that shows anything right now is 00:20:01.609 --> 00:20:06.589 the placenta which the placenta was like The 00:20:06.589 --> 00:20:11.549 arteries were like swollen Which means the blood 00:20:11.549 --> 00:20:13.650 wasn't passing through something happened and 00:20:13.650 --> 00:20:15.690 it was crazy I was even more pissed off and I 00:20:15.690 --> 00:20:17.450 was just like why didn't I listen to myself because 00:20:17.450 --> 00:20:20.410 I had a dream I had a dream that I delivered 00:20:20.410 --> 00:20:22.990 my baby too early. Like, way too early. I didn't 00:20:22.990 --> 00:20:27.390 have anything. And the baby was dead in the dream. 00:20:28.930 --> 00:20:32.609 Like, dead in the dream. And I just kept bypassing 00:20:32.609 --> 00:20:34.829 that part. Like, I just kept, I just kept, no, 00:20:34.890 --> 00:20:37.069 that's not, that's not. And that was that week, 00:20:37.130 --> 00:20:38.410 like, and I was like, this is not the thing. 00:20:38.490 --> 00:20:40.170 And me, she also was like, yeah, no, I just kept 00:20:40.170 --> 00:20:42.769 having the feelings. And I just, I just ignored 00:20:42.769 --> 00:20:44.130 it, because I was just like, what the fuck, that's 00:20:44.130 --> 00:20:47.200 not. We're healthy like babies healthy. Everything's 00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:49.799 fine. They said maybe it was healthy So we just 00:20:49.799 --> 00:20:51.299 really ignored it and then when we got down to 00:20:51.299 --> 00:20:53.019 the point it gets like to where we really just 00:20:53.019 --> 00:20:54.880 wished I mean we couldn't have done anything 00:20:54.880 --> 00:20:57.599 right, so it's like Not blaming ourselves, but 00:20:57.599 --> 00:20:59.819 wishing maybe we could have done something because 00:20:59.819 --> 00:21:01.400 they literally said she said at the point She 00:21:01.400 --> 00:21:04.039 was like yeah, it looked I mean based on his 00:21:04.039 --> 00:21:07.339 development He passed like two days before my 00:21:07.339 --> 00:21:11.380 appointment And that breaks my heart every single 00:21:11.380 --> 00:21:15.059 fucking time. And it sucks to have to like, like 00:21:15.059 --> 00:21:17.039 when I open social media or anything else, I 00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:19.700 left all my mom group chats. I was like in those 00:21:19.700 --> 00:21:21.119 and I deleted all the apps and everything, but 00:21:21.119 --> 00:21:23.079 I would see posts and it's like, oh, here's my 00:21:23.079 --> 00:21:26.759 21 -weeker. She's now four. And it's like, yeah, 00:21:26.779 --> 00:21:29.079 they go to the ICU and that's horrible and hard 00:21:29.079 --> 00:21:30.519 and everything. But it's like, it makes me think 00:21:30.519 --> 00:21:34.380 of, I'm like, if you, if we would have been here 00:21:34.380 --> 00:21:37.480 for three more weeks. Three more weeks, I would 00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:42.619 have had a baby. No, I get, and also I have this 00:21:42.619 --> 00:21:44.740 guilt from, I don't remember holding him at the 00:21:44.740 --> 00:21:48.019 hospital. That's when I tell you, my brain blocked 00:21:48.019 --> 00:21:50.480 every single thing of that day out. It was such 00:21:50.480 --> 00:21:54.099 a traumatic day. And I felt so guilty after that, 00:21:54.119 --> 00:21:55.660 because I didn't remember holding him at the 00:21:55.660 --> 00:21:57.099 hospital, so I would just look at every single 00:21:57.099 --> 00:21:59.759 picture of him. And it was so funny, he had Michi's 00:21:59.759 --> 00:22:03.579 nose already. It was so identifiable. It was 00:22:03.579 --> 00:22:06.299 so cute. so it was like looking at me she got 00:22:06.299 --> 00:22:11.440 hard um everything was just fucking hard um everything 00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:13.640 sucked i didn't i couldn't see the light and 00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:15.420 it i knew it was something different for me because 00:22:15.420 --> 00:22:17.420 i've always been a person like no matter what 00:22:17.420 --> 00:22:20.400 the situation was no matter what happened i could 00:22:20.400 --> 00:22:22.359 always see the good in it i could always do that 00:22:22.359 --> 00:22:24.839 person in that in the room where i'm like oh 00:22:24.839 --> 00:22:27.019 but this could happen i'm like always so optimistic 00:22:27.019 --> 00:22:31.200 i i'm still trying to find any ounce of hope 00:22:31.200 --> 00:22:34.950 anywhere because i i lost it all when i lost 00:22:34.950 --> 00:22:38.250 him i did i don't have i'm not i can't look on 00:22:38.250 --> 00:22:40.369 the brighter side for anything i like i don't 00:22:40.369 --> 00:22:41.950 want to see the good side for anything because 00:22:41.950 --> 00:22:48.089 it's is there is it um so michi had to be that 00:22:48.089 --> 00:22:49.769 for me and it was so weird because he's never 00:22:49.769 --> 00:22:52.170 that person and he's been very much that person 00:22:52.170 --> 00:22:55.269 in believing and very much the spiritual side 00:22:55.269 --> 00:22:58.029 and everything and being oh my gosh but he can 00:22:58.029 --> 00:23:02.359 come back to us yada yada yada and i'm just The 00:23:02.359 --> 00:23:07.519 fuck of it all right and I Just I would just 00:23:07.519 --> 00:23:10.559 beg Beg to be with the baby every day And I was 00:23:10.559 --> 00:23:13.460 just like I just I can't I can't do this without 00:23:13.460 --> 00:23:15.380 him like I can't do it without my baby like I 00:23:15.380 --> 00:23:21.140 was just Losing my damn mind But I can't say 00:23:21.140 --> 00:23:24.339 to know myself enough is to know when I'm not 00:23:24.339 --> 00:23:28.380 okay And I'm gonna be honest that them first 00:23:28.380 --> 00:23:32.069 two days out I wasn't okay. That was the worst 00:23:32.069 --> 00:23:33.869 I've ever been. Somebody needed to keep me on 00:23:33.869 --> 00:23:38.190 a 24 -hour hold. Okay? But I can say after that, 00:23:38.450 --> 00:23:43.349 I know myself enough to communicate and to try 00:23:43.349 --> 00:23:46.109 to not let myself slip too far. And I can say 00:23:46.109 --> 00:23:49.210 I'm not there. It's the worst pain I've ever 00:23:49.210 --> 00:23:51.829 felt in my life, but... I'm finally at the point 00:23:51.829 --> 00:23:54.430 now where I can try to see on the other side, 00:23:54.710 --> 00:23:56.809 you know, think about future children and everything, 00:23:56.910 --> 00:23:58.890 especially now we're getting test work back. 00:23:59.029 --> 00:24:00.670 We know that it wasn't anything we did. We got 00:24:00.670 --> 00:24:04.329 more genetic testing. Nothing, nothing went wrong 00:24:04.329 --> 00:24:07.690 besides something with his heart, like his, the 00:24:07.690 --> 00:24:10.130 placenta arteries. And it happened so late. So 00:24:10.130 --> 00:24:12.630 they were like, with those, what sucks about 00:24:12.630 --> 00:24:15.990 it is we can't really, we don't, they're like. 00:24:16.190 --> 00:24:18.470 she said majority of the time since the percentage 00:24:18.470 --> 00:24:22.450 is so low for women who miscarry that time with 00:24:22.450 --> 00:24:25.630 no cause a lot of times we don't find what happened 00:24:25.630 --> 00:24:30.109 like we we don't know what happened um in that 00:24:30.109 --> 00:24:33.549 so that's that part really fucking sucks to know 00:24:33.549 --> 00:24:37.990 that there's no rhyme or reason as to what happened 00:24:37.990 --> 00:24:43.950 that you know of but um As long as we know that, 00:24:44.089 --> 00:24:46.109 hey, it's not something we've done or our body 00:24:46.109 --> 00:24:48.589 did or like it's not compatible, it didn't work, 00:24:49.269 --> 00:24:53.490 that wasn't the case. He had all 10 toes and 00:24:53.490 --> 00:24:55.150 10 fingers. I don't know why I kept talking about 00:24:55.150 --> 00:25:01.250 that. He did and it was crazy. He was big. He 00:25:01.250 --> 00:25:05.049 was a big baby. And I think another part through 00:25:05.049 --> 00:25:06.710 this process that I think that really was fucking 00:25:06.710 --> 00:25:11.289 me up is I was so alone. And I think this really 00:25:11.289 --> 00:25:16.630 made it apparent to me on how how alone I really 00:25:16.630 --> 00:25:18.549 am and not because I'm not saying this like I 00:25:18.549 --> 00:25:20.670 don't have people like the only but the only 00:25:20.670 --> 00:25:23.230 support system I have is like Michi's family 00:25:23.230 --> 00:25:26.269 which they are there and they you know they they 00:25:26.269 --> 00:25:27.849 checked in and all this but it's just like as 00:25:27.849 --> 00:25:29.410 much as his phone kept ringing I didn't get one 00:25:29.410 --> 00:25:33.569 phone call like and I and I think that's something 00:25:33.569 --> 00:25:37.029 that really hurt in that moment not because it's 00:25:37.029 --> 00:25:40.250 like Oh, I just don't got like you know friend 00:25:40.250 --> 00:25:44.589 nobody like that, but it's just like I Remember 00:25:44.589 --> 00:25:46.369 screaming to the doctor. I was like and I just 00:25:46.369 --> 00:25:48.190 can't even call my mom through this like I don't 00:25:48.190 --> 00:25:53.130 have like what do I do and I don't know I think 00:25:53.130 --> 00:25:54.710 that part really fucked me up through it cuz 00:25:54.710 --> 00:25:57.549 I was like I don't have like no family to call 00:25:57.549 --> 00:26:01.089 they're fucked up enough on their own like I 00:26:01.089 --> 00:26:05.809 Really gotta just do this shit when I mean like 00:26:05.809 --> 00:26:08.829 I said I can't like I can't complain. I have 00:26:08.829 --> 00:26:11.809 an amazing man by my side, and his family is 00:26:11.809 --> 00:26:15.069 more than amazing, but it just sucked. It sucked 00:26:15.069 --> 00:26:21.170 ass in the process to experience that and know 00:26:21.170 --> 00:26:25.910 that, like, I mean, it still was like that. It 00:26:25.910 --> 00:26:29.029 was just me. It was just me and my baby boy and 00:26:29.029 --> 00:26:31.990 my thoughts. Like, that was it. So I was just 00:26:31.990 --> 00:26:36.559 like, ambitious sucks. Like, I don't... What 00:26:36.559 --> 00:26:41.640 do I do? So yeah, that just really fucking sucks. 00:26:41.700 --> 00:26:44.440 And I had one of my family members slide up on. 00:26:44.519 --> 00:26:46.200 I had posted his little nameplate. They made 00:26:46.200 --> 00:26:50.599 him Demetrius LaShawn Vance III. Such a grown 00:26:50.599 --> 00:26:54.119 man ass name. That's so funny to me. But I remember 00:26:54.119 --> 00:26:56.519 I posted his nameplate and a really close family 00:26:56.519 --> 00:26:57.980 member of mine who I don't really talk to much, 00:26:58.180 --> 00:27:01.400 but like really close. She stood up. She said, 00:27:01.559 --> 00:27:06.170 what the fuck Zoe? And I went like. I still don't 00:27:06.170 --> 00:27:07.809 know the meaning. I didn't care to ask. I just 00:27:07.809 --> 00:27:15.069 blocked. But I was just like, what? What? Um, 00:27:16.029 --> 00:27:17.529 I mean, that was it. And then one of my family 00:27:17.529 --> 00:27:19.809 members, she reached out to Michi and she was 00:27:19.809 --> 00:27:23.119 like, Well, apparently I'm blocked but I heard 00:27:23.119 --> 00:27:26.480 about the news so You know my condolences are 00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:28.740 with you guys, but I try to text her but seems 00:27:28.740 --> 00:27:30.779 like she just blocked me Yeah, I did because 00:27:30.779 --> 00:27:32.220 when you first of all you ruined my whole life 00:27:32.220 --> 00:27:34.180 second of all when you reached out about my damn 00:27:34.180 --> 00:27:38.119 Baby the first time you know what you said I'm 00:27:38.119 --> 00:27:43.200 not happy for you, but I mean I guess oh To hell 00:27:43.200 --> 00:27:44.539 with them all and that was the only thing in 00:27:44.539 --> 00:27:48.079 my mind. I was just like And fuck it like fuck 00:27:48.079 --> 00:27:50.440 it. What do I do now? Fuck it and I was just 00:27:50.440 --> 00:27:52.799 telling me too and I was like but this this pain 00:27:52.799 --> 00:27:55.700 is so different because it was like No matter 00:27:55.700 --> 00:27:58.299 how much family I didn't have no matter if I 00:27:58.299 --> 00:28:02.700 had this or that This baby was mine like at the 00:28:02.700 --> 00:28:04.339 end of the day meeting you could leave me got 00:28:04.339 --> 00:28:07.559 fridge. You never would but it's like This baby 00:28:07.559 --> 00:28:11.299 was mine This is another part of my soul. It's 00:28:11.299 --> 00:28:14.380 like my body felt so empty like which granted 00:28:14.380 --> 00:28:17.160 it was it had didn't have a human anymore, but 00:28:17.160 --> 00:28:19.099 it was like It's so weird looking at my body 00:28:19.099 --> 00:28:20.839 now and my stomach is so flat like even if I 00:28:20.839 --> 00:28:22.880 push it out I couldn't even make it have the 00:28:22.880 --> 00:28:26.900 belly I had um and it sucked like I remember 00:28:26.900 --> 00:28:29.880 going over I was feeling every fucking little 00:28:29.880 --> 00:28:32.460 thing I couldn't smell that good no more and 00:28:32.460 --> 00:28:34.140 it was really bothering me like I wouldn't have 00:28:34.140 --> 00:28:36.000 to smell food before I would eat it anytime those 00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:38.880 first couple days after I didn't eat but like 00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:41.920 once we got like thanks to my fifth day I started 00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:44.319 to like eat and I grabbed something and I just 00:28:44.319 --> 00:28:48.279 wanted to go smell it Didn't bother me couldn't 00:28:48.279 --> 00:28:52.460 really You know every single little fucking thing 00:28:52.460 --> 00:28:54.660 bothered me, and I didn't it hurt that I didn't 00:28:54.660 --> 00:28:56.880 have that no more You know I didn't have this 00:28:56.880 --> 00:28:58.859 I'd have that and I like I said I just hated 00:28:58.859 --> 00:29:01.740 looking at other people with their kids I hated 00:29:01.740 --> 00:29:04.299 thinking oh my gosh You didn't want this baby, 00:29:04.299 --> 00:29:06.519 and you got to keep it like I was thinking of 00:29:06.519 --> 00:29:08.539 every single negative thing in the book And it 00:29:08.539 --> 00:29:11.619 just hurt my heart so much to move forward with 00:29:11.619 --> 00:29:17.579 it um So yeah I think that's where I'm at. I 00:29:17.579 --> 00:29:21.220 don't, like I said, I wanted to share this because 00:29:21.220 --> 00:29:24.420 I always preach growth isn't linear, right? And 00:29:24.420 --> 00:29:26.740 we will grow from this. We will learn. We will 00:29:26.740 --> 00:29:30.799 try again, right? We'll have healthy babies. 00:29:31.160 --> 00:29:33.799 We'll have healthy, happy fucking babies. Literally 00:29:33.799 --> 00:29:36.259 the fucking ultrasound before this baby boy was 00:29:36.259 --> 00:29:40.099 standing up in me kicking his fucking feet. Literally 00:29:40.099 --> 00:29:43.720 kicking his fucking feet in the damn ultrasound. 00:29:43.900 --> 00:29:46.019 It's just standing straight up like kid what 00:29:46.019 --> 00:29:48.380 are you doing why are you standing straight up 00:29:48.380 --> 00:29:52.240 at me um so yeah like i used to try to drink 00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:54.700 buffalo sauce out the damn jar i never liked 00:29:54.700 --> 00:29:56.799 buffaloes like i mean i never like not saying 00:29:56.799 --> 00:29:58.680 i didn't like it but it wasn't my fucking thing 00:29:58.680 --> 00:30:00.759 so now the bottles just sit in the fridge because 00:30:00.759 --> 00:30:02.119 me trying to give me some other than i was like 00:30:02.119 --> 00:30:06.380 oh that's gross and that made me sad i tried 00:30:06.380 --> 00:30:08.039 cooking bitch and i think i cried and all the 00:30:08.039 --> 00:30:09.819 damn food because his pictures are still in the 00:30:09.819 --> 00:30:14.930 fridge now i was just losing my mind um But yeah, 00:30:14.930 --> 00:30:19.190 it's just it's a new type of pain It's a new 00:30:19.190 --> 00:30:21.869 type of pain Never felt this pain in my life, 00:30:21.869 --> 00:30:24.730 and I don't even know how to describe it to someone 00:30:24.730 --> 00:30:29.009 I Don't I know I'll be okay, and I know we'll 00:30:29.009 --> 00:30:31.789 be okay. I've already made so much product progress. 00:30:31.990 --> 00:30:33.450 I'm filming I'm doing what I need to because 00:30:33.450 --> 00:30:37.630 I know God forbid I can't you know stop and rot 00:30:37.630 --> 00:30:41.509 Make a better life Maybe that's what he's waiting 00:30:41.509 --> 00:30:46.859 on Maybe he knows What's to come and he wants 00:30:46.859 --> 00:30:50.220 I want that life Who knows and I had to stop 00:30:50.220 --> 00:30:52.380 questioning and as somebody who always felt like 00:30:52.380 --> 00:30:54.759 she had control over everything I feel like I 00:30:54.759 --> 00:30:57.259 have control over nothing Now and I think that's 00:30:57.259 --> 00:30:59.019 very hard for me to grasp cuz I'm just like I 00:30:59.019 --> 00:31:06.740 know nothing truly. I know nothing So yeah, I'm 00:31:06.740 --> 00:31:08.200 just taking you guys on this journey with me 00:31:08.200 --> 00:31:11.400 if you are joining but Like I said I just wanted 00:31:11.400 --> 00:31:13.480 to make this video today because growth isn't 00:31:13.480 --> 00:31:18.359 linear shit happens to everyday people but we 00:31:18.359 --> 00:31:22.779 must persevere and heal through it and no matter 00:31:22.779 --> 00:31:26.339 how much it sucks I'd like to say everything 00:31:26.339 --> 00:31:29.339 happens for a reason but for this particular 00:31:29.339 --> 00:31:38.799 chance I I can't say that because why you know 00:31:40.509 --> 00:31:44.210 Does this happen for a reason? Like, I'm meant 00:31:44.210 --> 00:31:46.990 to feel this pain. I'm meant to go through this. 00:31:47.390 --> 00:31:49.089 I think it took us four months to get pregnant. 00:31:50.670 --> 00:31:54.549 And I got pregnant. And best day of my life. 00:31:55.210 --> 00:31:57.549 So I think I think about that. He has his own 00:31:57.549 --> 00:31:59.809 box. He has his own stuff and it's all put away. 00:32:00.309 --> 00:32:02.289 I still sleep with his blanket. The blanket he 00:32:02.289 --> 00:32:05.490 was wrapped in. Which it's like, it's grief shit 00:32:05.490 --> 00:32:08.559 like that that kind of is like... I mean, to 00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:11.819 be honest, I'd never lost anybody, right? Family's 00:32:11.819 --> 00:32:14.279 like six people, nobody has died. The only person 00:32:14.279 --> 00:32:17.819 I lost was my friend who took his life, and then 00:32:17.819 --> 00:32:23.119 I think, what, that's really it? Like, that's 00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:25.119 really it, so it's just like, for this to be 00:32:25.119 --> 00:32:27.880 my first loss, this one's rocked me upside the 00:32:27.880 --> 00:32:34.079 damn head. Rocked me up the head, and... Yeah, 00:32:34.680 --> 00:32:36.660 I don't... I don't know what else to say but 00:32:36.660 --> 00:32:39.859 other than I'm just gonna work my ass off I'm 00:32:39.859 --> 00:32:41.420 gonna keep working my ass off and doing what 00:32:41.420 --> 00:32:44.680 I need to do to reach every single goal and dream 00:32:44.680 --> 00:32:50.359 of mine and keep working but yeah I just wanted 00:32:50.359 --> 00:32:54.359 to share that with you guys today I'm not gonna 00:32:54.359 --> 00:32:59.779 say I hope you enjoyed honestly who fucking knows 00:33:00.809 --> 00:33:03.069 But I'm on the point where I'm making jokes about 00:33:03.069 --> 00:33:05.170 it and I had to realize I was at a doctor appointment 00:33:05.170 --> 00:33:07.130 the other day because the postpartum checkup 00:33:07.130 --> 00:33:10.990 and She probably thought I needed to be fucking 00:33:10.990 --> 00:33:12.470 admitted because I gotta realize not everybody 00:33:12.470 --> 00:33:15.809 heals how I heal I get very Kiki about it. Like 00:33:15.809 --> 00:33:17.650 it's very I gotta laugh through it. Like what 00:33:17.650 --> 00:33:21.069 the fuck what the fuck is there to do? And so 00:33:21.069 --> 00:33:23.970 she's looking at me. She like Me she's like, 00:33:23.970 --> 00:33:26.069 baby, you gotta understand these people don't 00:33:26.069 --> 00:33:30.799 know your humor and I'm just like damn they don't 00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:33.740 she probably thinks I'm not off myself no I'm 00:33:33.740 --> 00:33:39.539 not girl trust I was just kiki kid um to do anything 00:33:39.539 --> 00:33:42.440 at this point but yeah the park has been helping 00:33:42.440 --> 00:33:45.160 we go to the damn park and I love seeing people 00:33:45.160 --> 00:33:49.539 push the kids and all this extra shit makes me 00:33:49.539 --> 00:33:53.640 think about what I'll have one day but yeah that 00:33:53.640 --> 00:34:00.980 was today's episode Everybody say LLD, okay, 00:34:01.220 --> 00:34:03.119 I just planned we just literally took a picture 00:34:03.119 --> 00:34:05.059 with his ashes and we're like we ain't posting 00:34:05.059 --> 00:34:08.679 nowhere, but it was just like and That was that 00:34:08.679 --> 00:34:12.039 was funny That was that was a little lightning 00:34:12.039 --> 00:34:14.920 moment. But yeah to all grieving mothers out 00:34:14.920 --> 00:34:18.559 there My heart is with you in every single way 00:34:18.559 --> 00:34:20.179 it can be if you've ever experienced anything 00:34:20.179 --> 00:34:25.639 like this I pray for you every single day You 00:34:25.639 --> 00:34:30.000 deserve every single blessing in life. And if 00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:31.440 you haven't gone through this, God, I pray you 00:34:31.440 --> 00:34:34.159 never do. I hope you never feel a pain like this 00:34:34.159 --> 00:34:37.440 ever. I wish no pain on anyone, good or bad. 00:34:38.619 --> 00:34:42.000 I don't know. I wouldn't wish this pain on myself, 00:34:42.099 --> 00:34:45.679 so I wouldn't wish it on anybody else. And I 00:34:45.679 --> 00:34:49.480 pray my baby's having fun up there. I tend to 00:34:49.480 --> 00:34:51.860 ask me she every day and I'm just like, what 00:34:51.860 --> 00:34:54.179 do you think he's doing? What do you think he's 00:34:54.179 --> 00:34:58.679 doing right now? And I always tell him, I'm like, 00:34:59.000 --> 00:35:00.500 what if we just, what if he was a little bit 00:35:00.500 --> 00:35:02.280 bigger and we just squared up? Because you could 00:35:02.280 --> 00:35:09.059 have waited three more weeks. But yeah. Yeah. 00:35:10.280 --> 00:35:15.679 Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what else to 00:35:15.679 --> 00:35:19.860 say. Follow Did I Overshare on Instagram? Duh! 00:35:20.300 --> 00:35:24.679 Fuck else. Did I Overshare on TikTok? This video 00:35:24.679 --> 00:35:28.639 is on YouTube like I said of me filming. ZOEXE 00:35:28.639 --> 00:35:31.500 on Instagram and TikTok as well for my personal 00:35:31.500 --> 00:35:35.119 accounts. Did I Overshare podcast at gmail .com. 00:35:35.519 --> 00:35:37.099 For emails if you want to reach out to me, talk 00:35:37.099 --> 00:35:40.239 to me, collab with me. reach out to there and 00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:42.480 yeah that was today's episode I loved you guys 00:35:42.480 --> 00:35:44.699 this is me being a bit more vulnerable and somebody 00:35:44.699 --> 00:35:47.380 asked oh get more deep with us how's this you 00:35:47.380 --> 00:35:50.099 know perfect moment for me to get deep with you 00:35:50.099 --> 00:35:52.619 right it makes all the other shit I could have 00:35:52.619 --> 00:35:57.079 got deep about look like this little tiny but 00:35:57.079 --> 00:36:00.579 yeah we I'm gonna say we love you guys so much 00:36:00.579 --> 00:36:04.860 um you know me she loves you too but yeah i love 00:36:04.860 --> 00:36:07.960 you guys and i hope you are having a wonderful 00:36:07.960 --> 00:36:12.039 september and it's going good for you and you 00:36:12.039 --> 00:36:13.880 continue to see on the bright side no matter 00:36:13.880 --> 00:36:17.880 what happens in life and just try to push through 00:36:17.880 --> 00:36:22.079 it growth is not linear um make the best of what 00:36:22.079 --> 00:36:25.960 you can cherish every single small moment and 00:36:25.960 --> 00:36:28.119 turn the fuck up and vibe is what the fuck i 00:36:28.119 --> 00:36:31.440 gotta say so yeah i love you guys so much bye