WEBVTT 00:00:03.760 --> 00:00:06.080 Asian parenting is all about parents hitting 00:00:06.080 --> 00:00:08.560 their children with a cane. Western parenting 00:00:08.560 --> 00:00:10.640 is about just letting your kids do whatever they 00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:15.000 want. Asian parents have their kids under control. 00:00:15.339 --> 00:00:17.940 You do what I tell you to do because I'm your 00:00:17.940 --> 00:00:20.440 parent. Sometimes I lose with them. Gentle parenting 00:00:20.440 --> 00:00:22.780 or conscious parenting basically means that you 00:00:22.780 --> 00:00:39.000 just let your kids do. Modern parenting feels 00:00:39.000 --> 00:00:41.079 like standing at the crossroads of a thousand 00:00:41.079 --> 00:00:43.640 cultures, expectations, and Instagram opinions, 00:00:43.899 --> 00:00:46.079 and somehow we're supposed to navigate it all 00:00:46.079 --> 00:00:50.399 with grace, humor, and zero guilt. Today, we're 00:00:50.399 --> 00:00:52.659 diving into the messy but fascinating collision 00:00:52.659 --> 00:00:56.240 of Asian and Western parenting, the stereotypes 00:00:56.240 --> 00:00:59.000 that we all secretly still believe, the values 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:01.920 we inherited and maybe swore we'd never repeat, 00:01:02.079 --> 00:01:04.719 and the ways that globalization has changed how 00:01:04.719 --> 00:01:08.159 we parent our kids. We're asking the questions 00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:10.939 that you only whisper to your mom friends. Is 00:01:10.939 --> 00:01:14.120 tiger mom a bad word? How do we raise resilient 00:01:14.120 --> 00:01:18.640 kids? Is mom guilt universal? And how on earth 00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:21.019 do we keep up with our tweens and teens who live 00:01:21.019 --> 00:01:23.640 in a world moving faster than any rule book that 00:01:23.640 --> 00:01:27.040 we grew up with? If you've ever felt caught between 00:01:27.040 --> 00:01:30.319 cultures, between eras, or between who you thought 00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:32.120 you'd be as a parent and who you actually ended 00:01:32.120 --> 00:01:35.060 up being, pull up a chair. This conversation 00:01:35.060 --> 00:01:38.420 is about to get real. And if you felt like this 00:01:38.420 --> 00:01:40.579 roundtable discussion was worth a listen, please 00:01:40.579 --> 00:01:42.739 like, subscribe, and share it with a mummy friend 00:01:42.739 --> 00:01:45.769 who might want to join in the fun. Did you know 00:01:45.769 --> 00:01:48.170 you can download our free ebook for insider tips, 00:01:48.430 --> 00:01:51.629 tricks from our expert guests? Just visit the40sformula 00:01:51.629 --> 00:01:54.849 .com and get yours today. All right. Welcome, 00:01:54.989 --> 00:01:56.709 ladies. Thank you so much for being with us here 00:01:56.709 --> 00:01:59.189 on The 40s Formula today. We are so happy that 00:01:59.189 --> 00:02:01.870 you're here. Let's talk about the elephant in 00:02:01.870 --> 00:02:05.810 the room, okay? The biggest misconceptions that 00:02:05.810 --> 00:02:09.229 people have about Asian parenting or about Western 00:02:09.229 --> 00:02:10.909 parenting. And again, you can comment on vice 00:02:10.909 --> 00:02:14.909 versa as well. Any thoughts? I think people think 00:02:14.909 --> 00:02:17.189 that, you know, Asian parenting is all about 00:02:17.189 --> 00:02:19.449 parents hitting their children with a cane. I 00:02:19.449 --> 00:02:22.090 mean, in Singapore, unfortunately, that trope 00:02:22.090 --> 00:02:26.389 is real. And I think a lot of Asians might think 00:02:26.389 --> 00:02:28.669 that, you know, Western parenting is about just 00:02:28.669 --> 00:02:30.969 letting your kids do whatever they want. Which 00:02:30.969 --> 00:02:33.009 I've also heard. Yeah, I think permissiveness 00:02:33.009 --> 00:02:35.810 is like the undercurrent of that Western parenting 00:02:35.810 --> 00:02:38.310 stereotype. Cornelia, what do you think? Yeah, 00:02:38.330 --> 00:02:42.710 I agree with the perception of Asian. parents 00:02:42.710 --> 00:02:45.810 thinking that Western parents are very permissive. 00:02:46.569 --> 00:02:49.250 I don't think that all Westerners think that 00:02:49.250 --> 00:02:51.909 Asian parent is just about hitting. I think there's 00:02:51.909 --> 00:02:54.930 one really big cliche is like Asian parents have 00:02:54.930 --> 00:02:58.030 their kids under control and all the Asian kids 00:02:58.030 --> 00:03:02.330 are very well behaved. And I think that's that's 00:03:02.330 --> 00:03:04.490 one of the things that Westerners really believe 00:03:04.490 --> 00:03:07.270 all the time when they go out and then causes 00:03:07.270 --> 00:03:11.539 a lot of envy, I think. Yeah, I think envy is 00:03:11.539 --> 00:03:13.460 a good way to say it. I think, you know, a lot 00:03:13.460 --> 00:03:15.439 of times when we talk about stereotypes, it's 00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:17.039 like immediately, oh, you must think it's wrong 00:03:17.039 --> 00:03:19.379 or negative or bad. But I think you're right. 00:03:19.460 --> 00:03:21.539 I think the Western perception of Asian parenting 00:03:21.539 --> 00:03:24.319 is like, wow, all those kids are so well behaved. 00:03:24.539 --> 00:03:27.039 They are so great at school. They are so respectful. 00:03:27.180 --> 00:03:29.400 Very good at math. I didn't say you said it. 00:03:30.319 --> 00:03:32.199 And like they're so respectful of their elders. 00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:34.199 Like, wow, they are model children, that type 00:03:34.199 --> 00:03:36.439 of thing. You know, I think it's more of a net 00:03:36.439 --> 00:03:38.680 positive. But again, stereotypes are still stereotypes. 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:41.780 right what do you think Jasmine it's really weird 00:03:41.780 --> 00:03:45.520 um obviously because I I come from an Asian background 00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:50.240 grew up in England so I can see both sides and 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:54.740 I just feel like okay um when it comes to Asian 00:03:54.740 --> 00:03:58.360 parenting I feel like there is a bit more I guess 00:03:58.360 --> 00:04:00.599 I don't know like the way I would see it is I 00:04:00.599 --> 00:04:02.439 would say there's a bit more strictness to it 00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:06.659 I feel like you would probably say what how you 00:04:06.659 --> 00:04:08.740 would expect your kids to behave and you would 00:04:08.740 --> 00:04:12.539 expect them to respond in that way but i can 00:04:12.539 --> 00:04:14.479 tell you my kids do not respond in that way they 00:04:14.479 --> 00:04:17.959 100 percent um i will i will try to bring that 00:04:17.959 --> 00:04:20.360 whole asian thing in you know about respect and 00:04:20.360 --> 00:04:23.519 doing this and being a certain way and then i 00:04:23.519 --> 00:04:26.120 just realize sometimes it's like i have to pick 00:04:26.120 --> 00:04:29.050 my battles with them because they just will do 00:04:29.050 --> 00:04:30.889 what they want. Yeah. Well, that's kind of my 00:04:30.889 --> 00:04:33.569 question is like, does the East West thing even 00:04:33.569 --> 00:04:36.329 exist anymore? Like I think about comedians that 00:04:36.329 --> 00:04:39.009 I follow and they'll, you know, kind of do impressions 00:04:39.009 --> 00:04:40.589 of their Asian moms or whatever. And I think 00:04:40.589 --> 00:04:42.550 it's super funny. And like my husband thinks 00:04:42.550 --> 00:04:44.569 it's funny because he grew up that way, et cetera. 00:04:44.870 --> 00:04:48.170 But like, would our kids find that trope funny? 00:04:48.269 --> 00:04:50.149 Would that, you know, like does, does the East 00:04:50.149 --> 00:04:52.209 West Asian parenting thing even exist in your 00:04:52.209 --> 00:04:55.569 opinion? Um, I think it's changing because, you 00:04:55.569 --> 00:04:58.449 know, the, The world is expanding. And I think 00:04:58.449 --> 00:05:00.870 with like social media, with, you know, reading 00:05:00.870 --> 00:05:03.750 books, a lot of this information comes from West, 00:05:03.910 --> 00:05:06.629 whether it's gentle parenting, respectful parenting, 00:05:06.810 --> 00:05:09.250 things that I never experienced when I'm growing 00:05:09.250 --> 00:05:13.189 up. And I think kids either mirror or they rebel 00:05:13.189 --> 00:05:15.910 against what they were brought up with. So I 00:05:15.910 --> 00:05:17.730 don't know for my kids, but I think they will 00:05:17.730 --> 00:05:21.209 look to the way that they were parented and continue 00:05:21.209 --> 00:05:24.870 that way until something changes or calls for 00:05:24.870 --> 00:05:27.879 a change. My grandparents were parented the same 00:05:27.879 --> 00:05:31.060 way as my parents, but then that, I think, I 00:05:31.060 --> 00:05:33.439 would like the thing stopped with me. Yeah. Can 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:35.899 you expand on that? Like what's similar about 00:05:35.899 --> 00:05:37.379 your grandparents and parents that's different 00:05:37.379 --> 00:05:41.240 with you? I think it was just a very traditional 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:44.180 setup. I think it was a very top -down setup. 00:05:44.740 --> 00:05:50.389 Respect is a huge thing in Asian cultures. do 00:05:50.389 --> 00:05:53.050 you do what I tell you to do because I'm your 00:05:53.050 --> 00:05:55.829 parent like no arguments no fighting back against 00:05:55.829 --> 00:05:59.069 it and just follow yeah no questioning right 00:05:59.069 --> 00:06:02.009 I mean I've tried that but I get the talk back 00:06:02.009 --> 00:06:04.589 I'm like oh this is not fucking working now we're 00:06:04.589 --> 00:06:07.069 having a conversation okay what's that about 00:06:07.069 --> 00:06:09.750 explain myself what I've been different in these 00:06:09.750 --> 00:06:12.509 kind of parenting setups right and I feel it's 00:06:12.509 --> 00:06:17.529 less of a um a west east difference than it is 00:06:17.529 --> 00:06:20.230 a traditional to less traditional difference. 00:06:20.230 --> 00:06:23.310 Interesting. Because the Asian way, as we want 00:06:23.310 --> 00:06:25.670 to describe it, used to be very much the way 00:06:25.670 --> 00:06:29.170 in the culture I came from a couple of generations 00:06:29.170 --> 00:06:32.670 ago. And I feel in the 60s, like the after war 00:06:32.670 --> 00:06:35.449 generations, is where a lot of these walls actually 00:06:35.449 --> 00:06:38.230 broke down and people started to think differently. 00:06:38.430 --> 00:06:40.829 They were rebelling against the top down authoritarian 00:06:40.829 --> 00:06:44.800 cultures. And parenting was. part of that like 00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:48.019 they didn't want to be like when i'm german like 00:06:48.019 --> 00:06:50.639 the like the nazi kind of parents they wanted 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:54.540 to be very consciously different so you had a 00:06:54.540 --> 00:06:57.240 very permissive the kind of anti -authoritarian 00:06:57.240 --> 00:07:01.199 um kind of way of looking at things and similar 00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:04.259 revolutions were happening in the us and the 00:07:04.259 --> 00:07:07.600 uk and so on so i think rather than thinking 00:07:07.600 --> 00:07:11.079 of it as west east it is more of a traditional 00:07:11.079 --> 00:07:14.139 society to less traditional society and that's 00:07:14.139 --> 00:07:16.860 what we see in because now asian cultures are 00:07:16.860 --> 00:07:19.180 still more traditional in their whole family 00:07:19.180 --> 00:07:21.240 set up yeah yeah i think you're right i mean 00:07:21.240 --> 00:07:23.600 obviously i'm married into a traditional asian 00:07:23.600 --> 00:07:25.839 family and we do live with my in -laws i was 00:07:25.839 --> 00:07:29.079 talking about that off air and it is traditional 00:07:29.079 --> 00:07:31.939 in a sense Right. In that in that obviously it 00:07:31.939 --> 00:07:34.379 appears traditional in the setup of it. And I 00:07:34.379 --> 00:07:36.779 think that we do a lot of kind of, you know, 00:07:36.779 --> 00:07:39.060 for example, like once a year we go to the crematorium 00:07:39.060 --> 00:07:41.740 and we do we offer the prayers and we burn the 00:07:41.740 --> 00:07:44.079 Joss papers and stuff like we do traditional 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:48.000 acts. But in the same sense. It's very non -traditional 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:50.079 on the ground in our house. Do you know what 00:07:50.079 --> 00:07:51.879 I'm saying? Like what actually happens in terms 00:07:51.879 --> 00:07:54.199 of how we raise our kids? You know, Jasmine knows 00:07:54.199 --> 00:07:56.899 I'm a huge sleep training mom. So that's very 00:07:56.899 --> 00:07:59.480 different from a lot of traditional Asian cultures 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:02.980 and how they view sleep in bedtimes. And so, 00:08:03.019 --> 00:08:05.480 yeah, the actual appearance might look very traditional, 00:08:05.540 --> 00:08:08.120 but then the nitty gritties are very non -traditional. 00:08:08.439 --> 00:08:11.000 Can you share with us three values from your 00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:13.699 own upbringing and whatever those values may 00:08:13.699 --> 00:08:16.720 be, whether you... share those values in your 00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:18.720 own parenting now or whether you've actually 00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:20.819 kind of tried to rewrite the script on those 00:08:20.819 --> 00:08:23.220 to continue off you know what I was talking about 00:08:23.220 --> 00:08:25.620 that top down you know respect me just because 00:08:25.620 --> 00:08:28.259 um thing I think that was very evident in my 00:08:28.259 --> 00:08:33.500 household um but I felt like I've come out of 00:08:33.500 --> 00:08:36.679 that because I mean respect is important but 00:08:36.679 --> 00:08:41.419 then for me now I've rebelled against that more 00:08:41.419 --> 00:08:45.710 towards um explaining to my kids that respect 00:08:45.710 --> 00:08:49.309 is two -way it's not just me telling you what 00:08:49.309 --> 00:08:51.750 you know i think you should do i think respect 00:08:51.750 --> 00:08:55.350 boundaries and yeah mutual respect basically 00:08:55.350 --> 00:09:00.029 so that's how i've you know come out of of what 00:09:00.029 --> 00:09:03.110 i was brought up in uh something that was i remember 00:09:03.110 --> 00:09:05.970 my mom saying to me um growing up was that um 00:09:05.970 --> 00:09:10.070 this other kid you're not better than this other 00:09:10.070 --> 00:09:13.179 kid But this other kid is also not better than 00:09:13.179 --> 00:09:16.460 you. So don't go in into a room thinking like, 00:09:16.519 --> 00:09:18.539 you know, I'm the shit, you know, kind of thing. 00:09:18.600 --> 00:09:21.460 But also know that that person doesn't have control 00:09:21.460 --> 00:09:23.200 or power over you. And I felt like that was very 00:09:23.200 --> 00:09:26.059 empowering for me. I really like that. Yeah. 00:09:26.379 --> 00:09:30.399 Yeah. And I think when you mentioned respect 00:09:30.399 --> 00:09:33.200 versus mutual respect. It's like it is the same 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:35.600 value. Respect is respect. Yes, exactly. But 00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:37.980 making it a little bit more maybe refined or 00:09:37.980 --> 00:09:41.200 clear that it's two directional and we all deserve 00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:43.700 respect. Kind of making it a more communal value, 00:09:43.899 --> 00:09:46.740 I think, is how you've spun it differently. Yes. 00:09:47.179 --> 00:09:49.539 I also love that because that's one of the things 00:09:49.539 --> 00:09:52.320 actually that I teach in my classes. That, you 00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:54.559 know, if you role model respect, you have to 00:09:54.559 --> 00:09:58.580 also give respect. And then people mix up respect 00:09:58.580 --> 00:10:01.080 with having to do what the other one wants from 00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:03.399 you. And that's not respect. It's about actually 00:10:03.399 --> 00:10:07.120 understanding what is respect. So what is respect 00:10:07.120 --> 00:10:11.700 in German culture? Well, I don't know about German 00:10:11.700 --> 00:10:13.840 culture. I can just tell you what I think respect 00:10:13.840 --> 00:10:17.480 is. So I actually have a very similar value that 00:10:17.480 --> 00:10:21.980 I grew up with, like this very top -down, you 00:10:21.980 --> 00:10:24.320 have to be respectful. I come from a very traditional 00:10:24.320 --> 00:10:27.960 family. There wasn't a lot of... rebellion revolution 00:10:27.960 --> 00:10:30.399 you know that happened after the war in my family 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:34.720 so um i really didn't like that as a child and 00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:38.279 i really wanted to have my children know that 00:10:38.279 --> 00:10:40.840 i'm also listening to them because that is respect 00:10:40.840 --> 00:10:44.860 to me i'm not just deciding for you i recognize 00:10:44.860 --> 00:10:48.100 you as a human being who has the right to have 00:10:48.100 --> 00:10:50.799 feelings wants wishes that doesn't mean that 00:10:50.799 --> 00:10:53.100 i need to give it to you you know the circumstances 00:10:53.100 --> 00:10:56.649 may not allow it or it may not be the best thing 00:10:56.649 --> 00:10:59.269 for you but at least I'm listening to and I can 00:10:59.269 --> 00:11:01.509 acknowledge that that it's okay to want that 00:11:01.509 --> 00:11:04.730 it may not be okay to get it but and I think 00:11:04.730 --> 00:11:07.830 that's respect I listen to you yeah I like that 00:11:07.830 --> 00:11:10.370 and I think that's one of the things that I think 00:11:10.370 --> 00:11:13.850 as we were growing up you know that we we were 00:11:13.850 --> 00:11:15.850 just told what to do and we couldn't question 00:11:15.850 --> 00:11:19.809 it and I think sometimes I wonder whether I'm 00:11:20.440 --> 00:11:23.519 i don't know edging on tiger mom but we can talk 00:11:23.519 --> 00:11:25.100 about that later i do want to hear what the edge 00:11:25.100 --> 00:11:28.559 of tiger mom but then i also do think that you 00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:31.080 know if my if my boys are upset i will say look 00:11:31.080 --> 00:11:33.100 you've got the right to be upset i get it i understand 00:11:33.100 --> 00:11:35.559 it but sometimes i lose my shit with them and 00:11:35.559 --> 00:11:37.019 i don't you know i don't know how to come back 00:11:37.019 --> 00:11:40.100 from that sometimes and and i and i wonder and 00:11:40.100 --> 00:11:42.059 i don't know if this is a preconceived misconception 00:11:42.059 --> 00:11:45.980 on my part but i wonder whether you know you 00:11:45.980 --> 00:11:48.190 think that right gentle parenting or conscious 00:11:48.190 --> 00:11:50.490 parenting basically means that you just let your 00:11:50.490 --> 00:11:54.649 kids do what they want and you know you shouldn't 00:11:54.649 --> 00:11:58.690 get angry at them is that is that a right thought 00:11:58.690 --> 00:12:02.570 to have so first of all it doesn't have anything 00:12:02.570 --> 00:12:05.529 to do with you allow everything in my understanding 00:12:05.529 --> 00:12:07.370 of conscious parenting conscious parenting for 00:12:07.370 --> 00:12:11.029 me just means I am making a very conscious choice 00:12:11.029 --> 00:12:14.049 about what I'm doing I'm making a very conscious 00:12:14.049 --> 00:12:17.779 choice about the like kind of the things or rules 00:12:17.779 --> 00:12:21.240 I require. And I'm understanding my goal. I understand 00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:24.139 my emotions. Like, why am I losing my shit for 00:12:24.139 --> 00:12:26.620 existence? Consciously losing my shit. No, no. 00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:29.320 I'm consciously quite aware of what am I triggered 00:12:29.320 --> 00:12:33.620 about. And if I, you know, if I still think that 00:12:33.620 --> 00:12:35.899 I had, I think I should have been angry about 00:12:35.899 --> 00:12:39.399 that. Maybe I was angry in a way that I didn't 00:12:39.399 --> 00:12:42.200 like, then I can say sorry about it and apologize. 00:12:44.700 --> 00:12:46.340 But I think it's very important to understand 00:12:46.340 --> 00:12:50.120 that to parent, you have to have a hierarchy. 00:12:50.340 --> 00:12:52.639 You cannot parent if you don't have a hierarchy. 00:12:52.899 --> 00:12:55.419 You have to be the one who's holding the room. 00:12:55.580 --> 00:12:58.220 You have to be the one who is enforcing the rules, 00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:00.659 because otherwise you're very disorientating 00:13:00.659 --> 00:13:02.899 to your children. Right. You need to help your 00:13:02.899 --> 00:13:05.500 children to understand the world. They come from, 00:13:05.500 --> 00:13:09.059 you know, just receiving whatever their body 00:13:09.059 --> 00:13:12.360 is and then to slowly receiving information about 00:13:12.360 --> 00:13:15.700 the world. They need guidance. and i think that 00:13:15.700 --> 00:13:18.679 actually having an emotional response to somebody 00:13:18.679 --> 00:13:21.320 um for what they're doing maybe they're crossing 00:13:21.320 --> 00:13:23.179 boundaries or they're doing something that's 00:13:23.179 --> 00:13:26.279 hurtful is important the question is where in 00:13:26.279 --> 00:13:28.720 the scale of emotions do we have it do we have 00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:30.679 like have a controlled emotion like saying look 00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:33.039 this is really upsetting me i really don't like 00:13:33.039 --> 00:13:36.700 it or am i totally going overboard with my emotion 00:13:36.700 --> 00:13:40.440 right and i think if we consciously try to get 00:13:40.440 --> 00:13:44.580 a bit lower on that scale so that we can actually 00:13:44.580 --> 00:13:47.480 demonstrate self -regulation. That's great. But 00:13:47.480 --> 00:13:49.799 we're all parents for the first time. Once you 00:13:49.799 --> 00:13:51.919 have your first child, we need to also learn 00:13:51.919 --> 00:13:55.000 that. And I think that's where we have to practice 00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:58.000 self -compassion and just forgiveness to ourselves 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:01.080 and learn like, and also teach what do we do 00:14:01.080 --> 00:14:04.399 if we mess up? Yeah. And what do we do when we 00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:07.039 mess up? Well, you go and apologize and actually 00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:10.129 maybe explain what happened. and try to do better 00:14:10.129 --> 00:14:12.309 next time if you think you messed up so actually 00:14:12.309 --> 00:14:14.370 i okay so maybe you know i made that comment 00:14:14.370 --> 00:14:16.210 about me being a bit of a tiger mom actually 00:14:16.210 --> 00:14:19.769 i might be a conscious tiger mom i did apologize 00:14:19.769 --> 00:14:24.169 so the other day i had a really busy busy day 00:14:24.169 --> 00:14:27.669 and i feel like my energy by the end of the evening 00:14:27.669 --> 00:14:31.049 was just flat and then one of my boys was being 00:14:31.049 --> 00:14:34.250 annoying and he kept coming out of his bedroom 00:14:34.250 --> 00:14:35.950 then it's getting to 10 o 'clock and i just wanted 00:14:35.950 --> 00:14:38.919 some chill time i just needed to have my drink, 00:14:38.919 --> 00:14:42.200 which is not alcohol. It's like a kombucha. I 00:14:42.200 --> 00:14:44.399 just wanted to watch a bit of trash TV and I 00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:46.360 just needed some time out. But he kept coming 00:14:46.360 --> 00:14:48.200 out of his bedroom. I kind of get it. It was 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:49.919 his birthday the next day. So he was a bit anxious, 00:14:50.179 --> 00:14:52.720 you know. And I was just like, I cannot. And 00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:53.759 then I think I must have shouted at him, like, 00:14:53.779 --> 00:14:56.879 just go to bed. And then he obviously was upset. 00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:59.360 And then I found out afterwards that my other 00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:02.220 son, his twin brother was snoring, which was 00:15:02.220 --> 00:15:04.039 part of the reason why he couldn't sleep. So 00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:07.240 I had to go upstairs and I hugged him and I apologized. 00:15:07.299 --> 00:15:08.980 And then the next day I had to explain to him, 00:15:09.059 --> 00:15:11.659 look, I was very tired. I had a really hard day. 00:15:11.740 --> 00:15:13.820 And it was literally a whole day of talking that 00:15:13.820 --> 00:15:17.970 by 10 p .m. I just had it. So maybe I am consciously 00:15:17.970 --> 00:15:20.370 aware of what my triggers were and why I was 00:15:20.370 --> 00:15:24.330 pissed off with him. But I will say the apologizing 00:15:24.330 --> 00:15:27.870 thing, I feel like that is one of the least traditional 00:15:27.870 --> 00:15:30.529 Asian traits is like the acknowledgement that 00:15:30.529 --> 00:15:34.110 your approach was not right. Do you find that 00:15:34.110 --> 00:15:36.049 that's one of the stereotypes of like tiger parenting 00:15:36.049 --> 00:15:38.629 is like, I don't need to be right. I am by authority. 00:15:38.809 --> 00:15:41.309 Yeah. Even if I'm wrong, I don't have to apologize 00:15:41.309 --> 00:15:43.879 at all. Yeah. So Amanda, you know how I've been 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:45.799 on this journey about improving my sleep? Oh, 00:15:45.799 --> 00:15:48.120 you have been obsessed about it lately. Well, 00:15:48.299 --> 00:15:51.279 I have found something that has been incredible. 00:15:52.220 --> 00:15:54.799 Cozy Earth bed sheets. That's saying a lot because 00:15:54.799 --> 00:15:56.740 you are really picky about your sleep setup. 00:15:57.019 --> 00:15:59.460 Exactly. These sheets are made from bamboo viscose. 00:15:59.480 --> 00:16:03.159 They are naturally breathable and I get the perfect 00:16:03.159 --> 00:16:06.620 night's sleep. They keep me cool all night. Oh, 00:16:06.659 --> 00:16:08.679 and I've been eyeing the pajamas too. They are 00:16:08.679 --> 00:16:11.919 so chic and super cozy. It's a total game changer 00:16:11.919 --> 00:16:14.899 and so relaxing for the evenings. And what's 00:16:14.899 --> 00:16:17.440 crazy is that Cozy Earth actually ships to Singapore, 00:16:17.620 --> 00:16:21.700 orders over $560 ship free, and in the US orders 00:16:21.700 --> 00:16:24.200 over $50 ship free. And did you know you can 00:16:24.200 --> 00:16:28.299 get your biggest ever discount, 41 % if you use 00:16:28.299 --> 00:16:32.519 code TFF today. So head over to CozyEarth .com 00:16:32.519 --> 00:16:35.830 and use that code TFF today. It's funny because, 00:16:35.870 --> 00:16:37.830 you know, on Instagram, I keep seeing these like 00:16:37.830 --> 00:16:40.429 trend reels, like how millennial parents are 00:16:40.429 --> 00:16:43.090 always apologizing to their kids. But like, you 00:16:43.090 --> 00:16:46.029 know, joke aside, something that will always 00:16:46.029 --> 00:16:48.289 stay with me. I was chatting to my friend and 00:16:48.289 --> 00:16:51.190 I was very curious because she comes from a family 00:16:51.190 --> 00:16:53.870 of therapists. So her father's therapist, mother's 00:16:53.870 --> 00:16:57.490 therapist, she is, her brother is. In such a, 00:16:57.490 --> 00:17:00.110 you know, conscious family, you know, growing 00:17:00.110 --> 00:17:03.039 up. what was it like? Because you guys all had 00:17:03.039 --> 00:17:06.660 the skills that we did not, you know? And, and 00:17:06.660 --> 00:17:08.559 what she answered really struck me because she 00:17:08.559 --> 00:17:11.480 said, we fought and we lost our temper with each 00:17:11.480 --> 00:17:14.160 other, just like any other family. But what set 00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:16.279 my family apart from the rest and the reason 00:17:16.279 --> 00:17:18.880 why, you know, we're so tight right now was the 00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:23.440 repair. So they kept going back and back at it. 00:17:23.539 --> 00:17:25.900 And it doesn't always have to be, I'm sorry, 00:17:26.019 --> 00:17:28.940 I yelled at you before. It could be. repairing 00:17:28.940 --> 00:17:31.900 that relationship and not just letting it go 00:17:31.900 --> 00:17:35.160 to waste. Rupture and repair is a term I heard 00:17:35.160 --> 00:17:38.769 yesterday. Yeah. In terms of how you fight? Yeah. 00:17:38.849 --> 00:17:41.549 And they were actually talking about it in not 00:17:41.549 --> 00:17:44.970 a parent -child situation, but as a couple. But 00:17:44.970 --> 00:17:49.269 it so works as a parent -child. You know, there's 00:17:49.269 --> 00:17:51.690 a rupture and then it's how you repair that rupture, 00:17:51.750 --> 00:17:53.789 which is what will strengthen that relationship. 00:17:54.410 --> 00:17:56.750 And that's so important. And the question really 00:17:56.750 --> 00:17:59.170 is, right, what is repair? And that's not only 00:17:59.170 --> 00:18:01.170 apologising. Can we please talk about this? Can 00:18:01.170 --> 00:18:03.049 I understand your viewpoint? Why did you respond 00:18:03.049 --> 00:18:05.069 that way? Would you like to understand mine? 00:18:05.480 --> 00:18:09.039 Are there breaks that can't be repaired? You 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:12.059 mean between parents and children? Of course 00:18:12.059 --> 00:18:15.299 there are. And what would be a rupture so deep 00:18:15.299 --> 00:18:18.619 that you think might not be recoverable down 00:18:18.619 --> 00:18:21.980 the line? Well, I think sexual abuse is very 00:18:21.980 --> 00:18:26.470 difficult to overcome. And narcissism is very 00:18:26.470 --> 00:18:28.430 difficult to overcome, but no one would probably 00:18:28.430 --> 00:18:31.269 try to repair that. I mean, the children might, 00:18:31.369 --> 00:18:34.069 but the narcissist usually doesn't. Yeah, I see. 00:18:34.109 --> 00:18:35.890 You were mentioning all these things online about 00:18:35.890 --> 00:18:39.990 like millennials. I get a lot of the, what do 00:18:39.990 --> 00:18:42.809 I want to say? Like, this is how my emotionally 00:18:42.809 --> 00:18:46.269 immature parents, X, Y, Z, and this is how me 00:18:46.269 --> 00:18:49.069 as an emotionally mature parent will repair that. 00:18:49.210 --> 00:18:53.730 Is there a place where... we as as so let's say 00:18:53.730 --> 00:18:56.029 you know versus our parents and then how we address 00:18:56.029 --> 00:18:59.089 our children are we the ones responsible for 00:18:59.089 --> 00:19:02.210 repairing our relationships with the older generation 00:19:02.210 --> 00:19:04.369 and then also modeling for our kids because that 00:19:04.369 --> 00:19:11.589 seems tough that's a lot for us right um yeah 00:19:11.589 --> 00:19:15.359 i don't know I mean, I'm not the expert at this, 00:19:15.460 --> 00:19:17.460 but I can speak from my personal experience. 00:19:17.619 --> 00:19:20.440 I can't change what has happened in the past. 00:19:20.680 --> 00:19:24.019 I'm trying to see how I can best move forward 00:19:24.019 --> 00:19:26.500 with my future, with my kids. And there are some 00:19:26.500 --> 00:19:29.039 things with my parents that I just have to accept 00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:32.019 and let go. We have a good relationship right 00:19:32.019 --> 00:19:35.279 now. I think to repair, both parties have to 00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:37.259 want to come to the table. I don't think it'll 00:19:37.259 --> 00:19:39.339 work if, you know, I just go to them and say, 00:19:39.420 --> 00:19:42.039 hey, can we talk about this? I felt this and 00:19:42.039 --> 00:19:44.569 they're like. What's wrong with that? Then I 00:19:44.569 --> 00:19:47.410 don't think that's going to work. I agree with 00:19:47.410 --> 00:19:52.710 that. I think acceptance is really the only way 00:19:52.710 --> 00:19:55.430 of our parents. And then seeing what is there 00:19:55.430 --> 00:19:58.549 that I want to receive and what is actually on 00:19:58.549 --> 00:20:01.950 offer. And I think repair often isn't on offer 00:20:01.950 --> 00:20:04.690 because they come from a different generation. 00:20:05.150 --> 00:20:07.890 There's a lot of trauma in the generations before 00:20:07.890 --> 00:20:11.180 us because of... War, you know, other circumstances, 00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:14.619 refugee situations and things like that. Right. 00:20:14.759 --> 00:20:18.259 I don't think we are responsible for repairing 00:20:18.259 --> 00:20:21.980 the relationship with our parents. I think for 00:20:21.980 --> 00:20:26.019 our own sanity, it is really about deciding what 00:20:26.019 --> 00:20:28.880 is on offer and what do I want to do with that? 00:20:29.279 --> 00:20:32.480 And acceptance of, you know, people are different. 00:20:32.920 --> 00:20:36.529 Yeah, it's a good one. Yeah. So let's talk a 00:20:36.529 --> 00:20:39.049 little bit about kind of one of these catchphrases 00:20:39.049 --> 00:20:41.250 in the Asian versus Western parenting sphere, 00:20:41.369 --> 00:20:44.720 which is tiger mom. Now, Annabelle, you use this 00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:47.140 term, you embrace this term. What does it mean 00:20:47.140 --> 00:20:49.200 to you? It's a little bit tongue in cheek because 00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:51.839 when we first, you know, created Tiger Moms Club 00:20:51.839 --> 00:20:56.420 back in COVID, I think it all comes down to parents 00:20:56.420 --> 00:20:59.059 wanting the best for their kids. I Tiger Mom, 00:20:59.220 --> 00:21:01.339 you know, parent you because I want you to get 00:21:01.339 --> 00:21:03.740 good grades. Why? Because good grades lead to 00:21:03.740 --> 00:21:06.460 better future, better career. I want you to, 00:21:06.539 --> 00:21:09.440 you know, eat your dinner at the table and not 00:21:09.440 --> 00:21:11.759 like run around. Why? Because I want you to get 00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:15.859 good nutrition. So I think to me, tiger parenting 00:21:15.859 --> 00:21:19.180 is parents wanting the best for their kids. Because 00:21:19.180 --> 00:21:21.579 if I didn't care about you, you can run around, 00:21:21.720 --> 00:21:24.480 eat chocolates every day, watch TV 20 hours a 00:21:24.480 --> 00:21:26.779 day. It'd be fine with me. Which they 100 % would 00:21:26.779 --> 00:21:28.519 do, by the way. That's exactly what they would 00:21:28.519 --> 00:21:30.940 do, by the way. Of course they would. Lust would 00:21:30.940 --> 00:21:33.240 actually be the guide, right? Yeah, exactly. 00:21:33.299 --> 00:21:36.200 Just whatever is clever. But on the flip side 00:21:36.200 --> 00:21:38.720 of that then, okay, so then how do we know where 00:21:38.720 --> 00:21:40.960 to set the boundary for that? So you mentioned 00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:42.839 grades. So I'm going to hammer down on grades, 00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:44.619 right? Okay, it's like I want you to get good 00:21:44.619 --> 00:21:47.619 grades because people with good grades tend to 00:21:47.619 --> 00:21:49.140 have better schools and better schools tend to 00:21:49.140 --> 00:21:52.099 produce better success outcomes for your future. 00:21:52.119 --> 00:21:57.089 Okay, I get it. I follow. How intense is it if 00:21:57.089 --> 00:21:59.690 I'm not getting good grades? I guess the dark 00:21:59.690 --> 00:22:02.710 side of what I perceive as a tiger mom is this 00:22:02.710 --> 00:22:05.410 expectation that if you do not meet my standards, 00:22:05.809 --> 00:22:08.210 that you have failed. And also my standards are 00:22:08.210 --> 00:22:11.069 very narrow. And the important word there is 00:22:11.069 --> 00:22:15.930 my. Right? My. The question is, who are we serving? 00:22:16.450 --> 00:22:20.250 And who are we actually envisioning? Are we driving 00:22:20.250 --> 00:22:23.309 our own dreams of what we would have liked to 00:22:23.309 --> 00:22:26.710 be? Or are we actually seeing the child and trying 00:22:26.710 --> 00:22:29.390 to get the best for this child? That hits so 00:22:29.390 --> 00:22:31.650 hard because that's like that Linkin Park song, 00:22:31.769 --> 00:22:34.450 isn't it? Or what is it called? I've completely 00:22:34.450 --> 00:22:36.269 lost my... I'm not sure. All I can think of is 00:22:36.269 --> 00:22:39.210 I tried so hard. I got so far. No, as in it was 00:22:39.210 --> 00:22:41.230 the one where he's like, I'm tired of being who 00:22:41.230 --> 00:22:45.369 you want me to be. Yeah. And, you know, and I 00:22:45.369 --> 00:22:47.410 heard that song. I mean, I've heard it loads 00:22:47.410 --> 00:22:49.650 of times, but once I heard it and it really hit 00:22:49.650 --> 00:22:52.069 deep because I was like, fuck, the stuff I'm 00:22:52.069 --> 00:22:55.289 doing. Is it because I want my son to do this? 00:22:55.369 --> 00:22:58.250 Yeah. Because he clearly doesn't want to do it. 00:22:58.769 --> 00:23:01.910 And that's such a difficult fine line, right? 00:23:01.970 --> 00:23:05.210 Because one thing in terms of motivation, we 00:23:05.210 --> 00:23:07.190 need to learn how to go through a valley to come 00:23:07.190 --> 00:23:09.369 out at the other side. Like when we learn something, 00:23:09.470 --> 00:23:11.750 for example, let's say you practice the piano. 00:23:12.279 --> 00:23:15.519 that's not fun to practice the the you know the 00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:19.440 i don't know the scales yeah it's not fun but 00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:21.920 you need to do it to be able to have fun playing 00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:24.339 the piano yeah so it's like how do i actually 00:23:24.339 --> 00:23:26.720 get my child through the valley of motivation 00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:31.079 to come out and actually have a competency yeah 00:23:31.079 --> 00:23:34.000 right and then how do i decide whether that's 00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:37.099 my goal or my child's goal right and that's such 00:23:37.099 --> 00:23:39.799 a dance you know that parenting dance where you 00:23:39.799 --> 00:23:42.680 have to feel and okay who am i serving here and 00:23:42.680 --> 00:23:46.200 you know but still i need to teach that you need 00:23:46.200 --> 00:23:50.160 to overcome your own resistance to be able to 00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:52.400 actually get something out of it to become confident 00:23:52.400 --> 00:23:55.079 i think also that that is something that's very 00:23:55.079 --> 00:23:57.440 contemporary because i feel like we have that 00:23:57.440 --> 00:24:01.599 option now because we can Growing up in the 60s, 00:24:01.599 --> 00:24:04.940 70s in Asia and Singapore, you know what? Sometimes 00:24:04.940 --> 00:24:08.579 academic success is how our parents saw as the 00:24:08.579 --> 00:24:12.240 only way out of poverty, out of the tough situations 00:24:12.240 --> 00:24:15.220 or opportunities that they didn't get. And, you 00:24:15.220 --> 00:24:17.319 know, in places like Singapore, China, Korea, 00:24:17.500 --> 00:24:19.779 you study hard, you get into the university. 00:24:19.819 --> 00:24:22.059 That is your ticket. That is your golden ticket 00:24:22.059 --> 00:24:24.099 out of whatever situation that you were in, you 00:24:24.099 --> 00:24:26.420 know? So I think they were living in a very different 00:24:26.420 --> 00:24:29.900 time. Like now. we're in much more fortunate 00:24:29.900 --> 00:24:32.539 circumstances we can afford to have choices what 00:24:32.539 --> 00:24:35.619 do you want what are you passionate about um 00:24:35.619 --> 00:24:37.900 you know things like that see if i left that 00:24:37.900 --> 00:24:40.319 choice to my boys they'll be like we win a game 00:24:40.319 --> 00:24:42.279 i'm like you know that's not an option right 00:24:42.279 --> 00:24:44.519 now you know like i'm not talking about gaming 00:24:44.519 --> 00:24:47.019 i'm talking about you know let's talk about sports 00:24:47.019 --> 00:24:51.259 because i feel like i feel like i push my boys 00:24:51.259 --> 00:24:54.289 towards sports they And the reason I do that 00:24:54.289 --> 00:24:56.789 is because I want them to build in healthy habits 00:24:56.789 --> 00:24:59.869 now for the future. You know, when it comes to 00:24:59.869 --> 00:25:01.369 anything, I'm like, I just want to see you put 00:25:01.369 --> 00:25:03.490 the effort in. I don't care about the result. 00:25:03.569 --> 00:25:04.789 I don't care if you're good or if you're bad. 00:25:04.950 --> 00:25:07.430 I just want to see the effort in. And it's one 00:25:07.430 --> 00:25:08.809 of the things my dad used to say to me, actually, 00:25:08.869 --> 00:25:12.569 I think because my dad, he was, so he was born 00:25:12.569 --> 00:25:14.349 in the UK. So one of the things he always said 00:25:14.349 --> 00:25:16.670 was, you know, I don't care how good you are 00:25:16.670 --> 00:25:18.930 at something. I don't care if you get a C. He 00:25:18.930 --> 00:25:21.710 never said D. He always said C. We're within 00:25:21.710 --> 00:25:23.569 limits, okay? He's doing it at the end of the 00:25:23.569 --> 00:25:26.369 day. But I want to see that you put effort in. 00:25:26.470 --> 00:25:28.089 And I think that's one of the things that's always 00:25:28.089 --> 00:25:30.470 been deep -rooted in me, that I don't care how 00:25:30.470 --> 00:25:32.250 good you are at something as long as you've tried. 00:25:32.789 --> 00:25:35.490 So I don't know, you know, like, whether... I 00:25:35.490 --> 00:25:37.450 feel like I've got this cross -section of, like, 00:25:37.470 --> 00:25:40.630 beliefs and outcomes. But see, on the flip side 00:25:40.630 --> 00:25:42.730 of the sports thing, when you said sports, it 00:25:42.730 --> 00:25:45.529 hit me because my husband is the example of... 00:25:45.789 --> 00:25:48.450 he wasn't allowed to play sports because he had 00:25:48.450 --> 00:25:52.130 childhood asthma. And, you know, I think because 00:25:52.130 --> 00:25:54.190 his mom, and I love you, Ama, but if you are 00:25:54.190 --> 00:25:57.329 listening, his mom was a bit overprotective around 00:25:57.329 --> 00:25:59.569 that aspect of his health. And maybe she didn't 00:25:59.569 --> 00:26:02.390 know a ton about asthma. You know, like the childhood 00:26:02.390 --> 00:26:04.170 asthma, you tend to grow out of it and everything 00:26:04.170 --> 00:26:06.690 like that. But so she overprotected him away 00:26:06.690 --> 00:26:09.690 from doing anything that had exertion. And I 00:26:09.690 --> 00:26:12.319 feel like... My husband, I say this all the time, 00:26:12.339 --> 00:26:13.960 he's going to be so embarrassed. I honestly feel 00:26:13.960 --> 00:26:15.319 like Tyler could have been a national athlete 00:26:15.319 --> 00:26:18.759 for Singapore. He's so genuinely athletic, gifted 00:26:18.759 --> 00:26:21.140 athletic. And when we started dating, that was 00:26:21.140 --> 00:26:22.980 like, you know, it came out more and more that 00:26:22.980 --> 00:26:24.960 I was like, do you know how good you are at this? 00:26:25.220 --> 00:26:27.059 And he was like, yeah, but I never played sports 00:26:27.059 --> 00:26:30.269 growing up because I wasn't allowed. There's 00:26:30.269 --> 00:26:32.170 two sides of that coin where it's like, are you 00:26:32.170 --> 00:26:34.109 pushing too hard for the boys to be in sports 00:26:34.109 --> 00:26:36.910 because you want them to have that? And is there 00:26:36.910 --> 00:26:40.410 being pulled back and away from something because 00:26:40.410 --> 00:26:43.910 of your fear or perception that it's unsafe or 00:26:43.910 --> 00:26:47.349 that it's outside the norm? you know and is there 00:26:47.349 --> 00:26:49.950 a balance between those two extremes no and you 00:26:49.950 --> 00:26:52.730 know what that's that's i mean some people interpret 00:26:52.730 --> 00:26:55.450 that as tiger momming but like both parents are 00:26:55.450 --> 00:26:57.309 trying their best for their kids and they want 00:26:57.309 --> 00:26:59.190 the best like you want the best for your boys 00:26:59.190 --> 00:27:01.839 to live a healthy life And your husband's mom 00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:04.279 was trying her best to protect him from asthma. 00:27:04.440 --> 00:27:06.700 Can we talk about how no one prepares you for 00:27:06.700 --> 00:27:09.200 how your skin changes in your 40s? Honestly, 00:27:09.339 --> 00:27:12.400 one day it's fine, the next it's dull, dry, and 00:27:12.400 --> 00:27:14.779 showing every single emotion you've ever felt. 00:27:14.940 --> 00:27:17.099 That's why I've actually been loving Love Indus. 00:27:17.259 --> 00:27:19.779 Their skincare actually feels like it's doing 00:27:19.779 --> 00:27:22.000 something. It's not just sitting on your face 00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:24.880 and looking sticky. It blends South Asian ingredients 00:27:24.880 --> 00:27:27.180 like ashwagandha and vegan ghee with proper New 00:27:27.180 --> 00:27:30.140 York dermatology tech. It's luxurious, but also 00:27:30.140 --> 00:27:33.220 very results -driven. Their line limiter is especially 00:27:33.220 --> 00:27:35.779 good if you're starting, like me, to notice lip 00:27:35.779 --> 00:27:38.519 or laugh lines. People compare it to Botox, which 00:27:38.519 --> 00:27:40.759 I would happily take after all those needles 00:27:40.759 --> 00:27:43.000 in my face. 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That's exactly right. 00:28:15.430 --> 00:28:19.710 So mom guilt, is that universal? Is that something 00:28:19.710 --> 00:28:21.890 that we all understand no matter what our parenting 00:28:21.890 --> 00:28:25.710 style is? 1 ,000%. I think I've never met a mom 00:28:25.710 --> 00:28:28.970 who never had any mom guilt. Yeah. From not doing 00:28:28.970 --> 00:28:31.529 enough or doing too much or doing the wrong thing 00:28:31.529 --> 00:28:34.490 or not doing as well as others are doing. Or 00:28:34.490 --> 00:28:36.829 once you have more children, like, am I actually 00:28:36.829 --> 00:28:38.730 spending enough time with all of the children? 00:28:38.910 --> 00:28:40.509 That was my big one. I battle with that every 00:28:40.509 --> 00:28:43.049 day. Yeah, me too. Me too. Every day. Still, 00:28:43.130 --> 00:28:46.630 and my oldest is already 20. Okay, so it never 00:28:46.630 --> 00:28:49.210 goes away is what Cornelia is saying. No, I think 00:28:49.210 --> 00:28:50.869 it gets worse because now they're going to spread 00:28:50.869 --> 00:28:52.609 around the world. And how are you going to spend 00:28:52.609 --> 00:28:55.910 enough time? I wanted to make one more point 00:28:55.910 --> 00:28:59.869 to what you said earlier, like having the luxury 00:28:59.869 --> 00:29:02.890 to choose. I think we are in a very different 00:29:02.890 --> 00:29:06.430 situation now with all the AI development that 00:29:06.430 --> 00:29:09.109 we have around us. And I think we really need 00:29:09.109 --> 00:29:11.390 to understand that the world needs a different 00:29:11.390 --> 00:29:16.339 thing from our children. So when before... like 00:29:16.339 --> 00:29:18.619 being a robot and having a lot of output and 00:29:18.619 --> 00:29:21.480 performance would get you far i think that's 00:29:21.480 --> 00:29:23.900 not the case anymore we don't need robots anymore 00:29:23.900 --> 00:29:29.079 we need the individuality the creativity to actually 00:29:29.079 --> 00:29:32.779 have children who can be effective in this world 00:29:32.779 --> 00:29:35.160 and can bring something that a robot doesn't 00:29:35.160 --> 00:29:39.460 so i think that is the challenge of oh the old 00:29:39.460 --> 00:29:41.940 formula doesn't work anymore you know just work 00:29:41.940 --> 00:29:44.640 hard and put a lot of effort and that's just 00:29:44.640 --> 00:29:47.539 not enough anymore we need to really know who 00:29:47.539 --> 00:29:51.660 are we yes what can we bring what where are the 00:29:51.660 --> 00:29:54.619 talents and i i find that a real challenge in 00:29:54.619 --> 00:29:57.880 watching children grow up and kind of feeling 00:29:57.880 --> 00:30:00.880 and tuning in because as you say They don't know. 00:30:00.900 --> 00:30:03.859 They will just game and follow their, you know, 00:30:03.880 --> 00:30:07.680 whatever they want to do that is a little bit 00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:10.319 addictive as we're surrounded by addictive stuff 00:30:10.319 --> 00:30:12.839 at the moment. I think watching as parents and 00:30:12.839 --> 00:30:15.599 trying to figure out, you know, where do they 00:30:15.599 --> 00:30:17.900 have talents and then supporting that without 00:30:17.900 --> 00:30:21.019 over pushing it so you don't get a rebellion. 00:30:21.119 --> 00:30:24.980 Yes. Wow. That's actually, I think, a good question 00:30:24.980 --> 00:30:27.140 is how do you do it so you don't push your child 00:30:27.140 --> 00:30:30.400 away? How do you do it so that you are able to 00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:35.920 be the parent figure, but your child is not distancing 00:30:35.920 --> 00:30:38.980 themselves from you? Yeah, because it could go 00:30:38.980 --> 00:30:42.140 either way, right? So it's important to understand 00:30:42.140 --> 00:30:45.599 that. So a healthy relationship is I can be me 00:30:45.599 --> 00:30:49.400 as a person and still have that relationship. 00:30:49.839 --> 00:30:52.859 Now you have two kind of characters. You have, 00:30:53.079 --> 00:30:55.200 if that isn't, if the healthy relationship isn't 00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:58.119 possible the way I am, You can either go into 00:30:58.119 --> 00:31:00.880 the lonely wolf kind of behavior. You rebel against 00:31:00.880 --> 00:31:04.500 the relationship. You choose you or you go into 00:31:04.500 --> 00:31:08.339 the people pleasing. I do not fight for me. I 00:31:08.339 --> 00:31:11.279 give it up to have the relationship. And you 00:31:11.279 --> 00:31:13.279 never know what kind of child you have. And this 00:31:13.279 --> 00:31:16.039 is, I think, the biggest risk in the top down. 00:31:16.140 --> 00:31:18.799 I don't listen to you kind of parenting, because 00:31:18.799 --> 00:31:22.119 what if they go into the lonely wolf? Then you 00:31:22.119 --> 00:31:25.599 lose all control because you do rely on cooperation. 00:31:26.750 --> 00:31:29.329 When they get into the teenage years, if they 00:31:29.329 --> 00:31:32.410 totally, you know, just cut you out, then you 00:31:32.410 --> 00:31:34.849 have a problem. Not saying that people -pleasing 00:31:34.849 --> 00:31:38.069 is great either, but you have more control as 00:31:38.069 --> 00:31:40.309 a parent, right? If you want to control your 00:31:40.309 --> 00:31:42.750 children, that probably feels better. For the 00:31:42.750 --> 00:31:45.910 child, it's not a great outcome either. Annabelle, 00:31:45.930 --> 00:31:49.589 what age are your children? Three and a half 00:31:49.589 --> 00:31:51.150 and five. Three and a half and five. And you're 00:31:51.150 --> 00:31:53.950 homeschooling. Are you going to continue homeschooling 00:31:53.950 --> 00:31:56.599 them? I don't know. We haven't kind of decided. 00:31:56.619 --> 00:31:59.000 I think my intention was always to get her to 00:31:59.000 --> 00:32:00.940 go to primary school when she's seven. Okay. 00:32:01.619 --> 00:32:04.000 So we'll see. Because I guess my question around 00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:06.980 that would be, I think my, so my kids are the 00:32:06.980 --> 00:32:09.240 same age, five and four. And then my little one 00:32:09.240 --> 00:32:11.880 is one. And they're in the local system here 00:32:11.880 --> 00:32:15.700 in Singapore. And so I see how. Some of what 00:32:15.700 --> 00:32:18.259 I consider traditional Asian values are already 00:32:18.259 --> 00:32:21.019 being kind of planted as little seeds. And that 00:32:21.019 --> 00:32:22.839 sounds very insidious how I just said that. But 00:32:22.839 --> 00:32:25.339 I mean, I see it happening in terms of, oh, this 00:32:25.339 --> 00:32:28.099 is why this is the way it is. Is your choice 00:32:28.099 --> 00:32:31.119 to homeschool an attempt at kind of circumventing 00:32:31.119 --> 00:32:33.619 that? Or is it because, you know, it's a choice 00:32:33.619 --> 00:32:35.200 that you made with your husband? Like, tell me 00:32:35.200 --> 00:32:36.720 a little bit more about that choice. So, yes, 00:32:36.920 --> 00:32:39.480 I did see a little bit of that creeping in, even 00:32:39.480 --> 00:32:41.059 when they were like two or three years old in 00:32:41.059 --> 00:32:42.660 school. Literally, I see it from the PG group. 00:32:42.720 --> 00:32:44.940 Stop trying to like, you know, do it. the chinese 00:32:44.940 --> 00:32:47.099 characters just like go play the flash cards 00:32:47.099 --> 00:32:50.000 i know that little slap sound i was like oh that's 00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.579 that's new um that i think uh that was one component 00:32:54.579 --> 00:32:58.980 but i just feel like the window for this childhood 00:32:58.980 --> 00:33:01.839 is so short and in singapore formal education 00:33:01.839 --> 00:33:04.640 begins at seven that's primary one i'm like before 00:33:04.640 --> 00:33:07.240 formula formal education begins we have this 00:33:07.240 --> 00:33:09.839 time to ourselves how do we want to spend it 00:33:10.170 --> 00:33:12.869 What can we offer? What are our family values 00:33:12.869 --> 00:33:16.589 and how do we align that together? So I feel 00:33:16.589 --> 00:33:19.250 like for kids, you know, my kids below seven, 00:33:19.329 --> 00:33:22.930 what I want for them is not spelling and, you 00:33:22.930 --> 00:33:25.130 know, being able to read. And I think all of 00:33:25.130 --> 00:33:28.210 that is important, but I feel like values, knowing 00:33:28.210 --> 00:33:30.869 who they are and having that emotional attachment 00:33:30.869 --> 00:33:35.789 to the parent and not another caregiver was important 00:33:35.789 --> 00:33:38.369 to me. I get that that's something that's not. 00:33:38.869 --> 00:33:41.289 necessarily an option for a lot of people, but 00:33:41.289 --> 00:33:43.529 I felt like I was at a point in my career where 00:33:43.529 --> 00:33:47.130 I could step back a little bit to give this time 00:33:47.130 --> 00:33:49.829 to them and spend it together. And I feel like 00:33:49.829 --> 00:33:51.849 that the secure attachment that they have with 00:33:51.849 --> 00:33:55.750 their parent is very important. And I feel like, 00:33:55.769 --> 00:33:57.970 yeah, I make mistakes all the time. I like, you 00:33:57.970 --> 00:34:00.390 know, I'm feeling in the dark, but the fact that, 00:34:00.410 --> 00:34:02.630 you know, the presence that I'm there with them, 00:34:02.750 --> 00:34:04.890 I see them through all the seasons, the hard 00:34:04.890 --> 00:34:07.009 stuff, the good stuff. I felt like that was very 00:34:07.009 --> 00:34:10.300 important for us. I love that. I don't know if 00:34:10.300 --> 00:34:12.860 I could do it though. You spent all day with 00:34:12.860 --> 00:34:14.500 my kid. I know I couldn't. So that's not even, 00:34:14.539 --> 00:34:15.619 we don't even have to talk about it. I know I 00:34:15.619 --> 00:34:17.760 could not do it. It's funny because, you know, 00:34:17.800 --> 00:34:21.039 like you mentioned that those values are not 00:34:21.039 --> 00:34:22.719 important to you. And I agree. Like, I feel like 00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:25.360 a kid should have their childhood. They should 00:34:25.360 --> 00:34:27.360 be out there playing and they should be able 00:34:27.360 --> 00:34:32.039 to do, be a kid. Yeah. But then we started questioning, 00:34:32.239 --> 00:34:35.769 oh, my son is approaching. like year six, which 00:34:35.769 --> 00:34:38.329 is the year before going into secondary school. 00:34:38.570 --> 00:34:40.250 We were wondering, what are we going to do? Are 00:34:40.250 --> 00:34:42.730 we going to go back to the UK? If we are, then 00:34:42.730 --> 00:34:45.110 he's going to have to take some exams. I started 00:34:45.110 --> 00:34:47.210 freaking out because I heard that in the UK, 00:34:47.409 --> 00:34:51.389 although they've got a UK -based education, they're 00:34:51.389 --> 00:34:53.150 still far behind what they're doing over there 00:34:53.150 --> 00:34:54.769 because in the UK, they're getting homework every 00:34:54.769 --> 00:34:56.289 day. They're doing this. And then I'm thinking, 00:34:56.389 --> 00:34:59.289 oh my God, my son's fallen behind. Is that a... 00:34:59.960 --> 00:35:02.480 fear or something that you have because as much 00:35:02.480 --> 00:35:03.920 as I was like I want them to be a kid I don't 00:35:03.920 --> 00:35:06.139 care about this stuff then I'm like fuck I didn't 00:35:06.139 --> 00:35:08.960 care about this stuff and then I don't know where 00:35:08.960 --> 00:35:11.619 I stand I can get away with it a little bit easier 00:35:11.619 --> 00:35:13.940 because my kids are so young yeah um you know 00:35:13.940 --> 00:35:15.820 and and in fact I'm pulling them out so that 00:35:15.820 --> 00:35:18.599 they can be a kid I think when they're you know 00:35:18.599 --> 00:35:21.260 seven eight nine when formal education begins 00:35:21.260 --> 00:35:23.920 um that is the real challenge because I think 00:35:23.920 --> 00:35:27.159 all parents can agree that oh let kids be kids 00:35:27.159 --> 00:35:29.409 everyone says that but the thing is how many 00:35:29.409 --> 00:35:31.170 parents can put their money behind what they 00:35:31.170 --> 00:35:34.210 say? Not many. And I think it depends on, you 00:35:34.210 --> 00:35:37.469 know, in your kid's age, year six, you said, 00:35:37.570 --> 00:35:40.789 that's a tricky time because you do need the 00:35:40.789 --> 00:35:43.130 grades to get into certain schools. So then, 00:35:43.170 --> 00:35:46.730 you know, to her point, how important is that 00:35:46.730 --> 00:35:50.570 to him and to you? But I think when it comes 00:35:50.570 --> 00:35:53.469 to school and grades, it's also a lot about... 00:35:53.960 --> 00:35:56.539 For the child to be able to be confident about 00:35:56.539 --> 00:35:59.659 themselves. It does hit their confidence if they 00:35:59.659 --> 00:36:02.719 don't do well in school. I think it's more about 00:36:02.719 --> 00:36:05.500 actually understanding how can I handle me and 00:36:05.500 --> 00:36:09.320 my intelligence? What can I be good at? Right. 00:36:09.440 --> 00:36:12.639 So if a child struggles in school, they suffer 00:36:12.639 --> 00:36:15.239 from that. They don't want to look stupid and 00:36:15.239 --> 00:36:18.340 they do feel stupid. So it's really more about 00:36:18.340 --> 00:36:21.480 how am I supporting my child to get good grades? 00:36:22.119 --> 00:36:24.719 How am I supporting my child if they don't manage 00:36:24.719 --> 00:36:27.599 to get good grades? And I think that's something 00:36:27.599 --> 00:36:29.840 that you mentioned earlier, Amanda, was like, 00:36:29.860 --> 00:36:32.539 oh, the tuition and the pressure. You know, I 00:36:32.539 --> 00:36:35.079 can do that in a very different way. I can actually 00:36:35.079 --> 00:36:37.920 say, hey. what do you think you would like to 00:36:37.920 --> 00:36:40.099 be better at and let's have a look what are you 00:36:40.099 --> 00:36:41.940 struggling with rather than saying you have to 00:36:41.940 --> 00:36:43.460 go here and here and here and if you don't get 00:36:43.460 --> 00:36:45.980 good grades because we put so much stress on 00:36:45.980 --> 00:36:48.719 them that the emotional world is actually preventing 00:36:48.719 --> 00:36:51.639 them from having better grades so if we support 00:36:51.639 --> 00:36:55.159 in a loving supportive way that actually shows 00:36:55.159 --> 00:36:57.800 them this is how you can get better at something 00:36:57.800 --> 00:37:01.000 where we create a growth mindset where we understand 00:37:02.239 --> 00:37:04.420 It's not about talent or whether you're good 00:37:04.420 --> 00:37:06.860 or bad at something. It's about learning. If 00:37:06.860 --> 00:37:10.539 I'm at A, to get at B, I have to take certain 00:37:10.539 --> 00:37:13.179 steps. And I might take that slower than others, 00:37:13.420 --> 00:37:16.780 but you can get to B. Everything that we learn 00:37:16.780 --> 00:37:19.980 in primary school, for example, is something 00:37:19.980 --> 00:37:23.320 that an average intellect can manage. The question 00:37:23.320 --> 00:37:27.550 is how. And so I see my role as a parent as in 00:37:27.550 --> 00:37:30.590 learning how can you emotionally get through 00:37:30.590 --> 00:37:33.840 a system like school. Because that's a real challenge, 00:37:33.960 --> 00:37:36.739 especially for boys who have much higher motor 00:37:36.739 --> 00:37:41.420 impulses, who have a lot less interest in fine 00:37:41.420 --> 00:37:44.199 motor skills and things like that. So it's really 00:37:44.199 --> 00:37:46.800 how am I supporting my child and not whether 00:37:46.800 --> 00:37:49.079 I'm going to support my child. If you are in 00:37:49.079 --> 00:37:52.519 a system, you want to do well. Everybody wants 00:37:52.519 --> 00:37:54.579 to do well, right? Because otherwise we suffer 00:37:54.579 --> 00:37:56.920 from... Well, and you talk about now how systems 00:37:56.920 --> 00:37:59.760 can affect boys and girls differently, potentially. 00:37:59.900 --> 00:38:02.340 Yeah. Right. And I would want to bring that question 00:38:02.340 --> 00:38:04.980 a little bit more into the home. So in terms 00:38:04.980 --> 00:38:07.539 of parenting styles, do you find that culture 00:38:07.539 --> 00:38:10.340 and tradition and kind of, you know, location 00:38:10.340 --> 00:38:14.000 influence how you parent girls versus boys? I'll 00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:15.679 give you an example from my own home very quickly. 00:38:16.099 --> 00:38:17.699 And I think I brought this up on the show actually 00:38:17.699 --> 00:38:20.260 once before. before bedtime, my kids are little, 00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:22.099 they like to run around nude, right? Just like 00:38:22.099 --> 00:38:23.760 straight up nude. Just like, you know, the freedom 00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:27.019 of nudity is so fantastic. Yeah, it's just, it's 00:38:27.019 --> 00:38:28.599 so great. Like they, the second they get in, 00:38:28.619 --> 00:38:31.519 okay. So when my little boys run around nude, 00:38:31.699 --> 00:38:34.079 it's fine. No one comments, right? Things go, 00:38:34.099 --> 00:38:35.199 you know, they're up and down the stairs, whatever. 00:38:35.360 --> 00:38:38.320 When my little girl runs around nude, her, my 00:38:38.320 --> 00:38:40.340 father -in -law will say, shame, shame, go upstairs, 00:38:40.480 --> 00:38:42.099 put your panties on, go upstairs, put your pajamas 00:38:42.099 --> 00:38:44.239 on. And he'll literally say the word shame, shame, 00:38:44.239 --> 00:38:46.199 because it's just like how it's expressed. And 00:38:46.199 --> 00:38:48.980 like, He never says it to the boys. He might 00:38:48.980 --> 00:38:50.920 say maybe at one point, like, okay, now it's 00:38:50.920 --> 00:38:53.139 time to put your PJs on, just from an exasperation 00:38:53.139 --> 00:38:56.920 perspective, but not the shame part. That was 00:38:56.920 --> 00:38:58.619 the first time that I realized, oh, there's some 00:38:58.619 --> 00:39:01.420 definite gender coding going on there, and that 00:39:01.420 --> 00:39:03.760 one's blatant. Do you notice little moments like 00:39:03.760 --> 00:39:05.400 that? The top part for me is to unlearn all of 00:39:05.400 --> 00:39:08.239 that, because I was brought up in that. You were 00:39:08.239 --> 00:39:12.079 the shame, shame, no panties Annabelle? I mean... 00:39:12.079 --> 00:39:15.599 It's okay, I will neither confirm nor deny. know 00:39:15.599 --> 00:39:17.559 where that came from maybe it's like i don't 00:39:17.559 --> 00:39:20.400 know influence what we know now or maybe just 00:39:20.400 --> 00:39:23.340 you know looking deep like does that resonate 00:39:23.340 --> 00:39:26.320 with me so i think the harder part is to unlearn 00:39:26.320 --> 00:39:29.500 all these biases that i have growing up um for 00:39:29.500 --> 00:39:31.679 me it's like you know suck it up boys don't cry 00:39:31.679 --> 00:39:35.659 or like you know um girls i don't know sit down 00:39:35.659 --> 00:39:37.679 quietly and read a book or you know things like 00:39:37.679 --> 00:39:39.519 that so i i don't do that with my kids but the 00:39:39.519 --> 00:39:42.559 struggle that i have is to catch myself when 00:39:42.559 --> 00:39:45.860 that happens and say you know what that's fine 00:39:45.860 --> 00:39:48.500 yeah i have the same i have the same i have to 00:39:48.500 --> 00:39:52.019 really catch myself so that was one of the things 00:39:52.019 --> 00:39:55.119 that i had in mind as an answer to what did you 00:39:55.119 --> 00:39:57.500 rebel against and i had a mother who was very 00:39:57.500 --> 00:40:01.539 hmm traditional a traditional woman expecting 00:40:01.539 --> 00:40:04.840 women to behave in a certain way you always have 00:40:04.840 --> 00:40:10.230 to be very um well uh made up and you you cannot 00:40:10.230 --> 00:40:12.210 be too loud and you cannot be too aggressive 00:40:12.210 --> 00:40:16.269 girls don't do that um and and i really didn't 00:40:16.269 --> 00:40:19.550 like that but i have to catch myself because 00:40:19.550 --> 00:40:22.349 i still have a feeling to that i have a feeling 00:40:22.349 --> 00:40:24.769 creator when i see my daughter doing something 00:40:24.769 --> 00:40:28.050 that my mom would have corrected and i was like 00:40:28.679 --> 00:40:30.960 And I really have to catch myself. Yeah. Why 00:40:30.960 --> 00:40:34.960 am I correcting? For example, my mom, my mom 00:40:34.960 --> 00:40:37.239 always says like, Oh, she's got such a beautiful 00:40:37.239 --> 00:40:41.239 figure. Yeah. But to this day, I never walk in 00:40:41.239 --> 00:40:43.119 front of my mother because she will comment how 00:40:43.119 --> 00:40:45.519 I look from the back. So, so I never walk in 00:40:45.519 --> 00:40:49.320 front of my mom. It was just so annoying. Yeah. 00:40:49.380 --> 00:40:53.059 The appearance norms are so stark here as well. 00:40:53.099 --> 00:40:56.190 And that does in my, in my. observation really 00:40:56.190 --> 00:40:59.070 go one way it's really we comment on women's 00:40:59.070 --> 00:41:01.210 bodies we don't comment on men's there might 00:41:01.210 --> 00:41:02.909 be a little bit of teasing at Chinese New Year 00:41:02.909 --> 00:41:04.829 like oh you've gotten fat you know like with 00:41:04.829 --> 00:41:07.610 the men but with the women it's like every single 00:41:07.610 --> 00:41:10.030 thing is dissected how your skin looks how skinny 00:41:10.030 --> 00:41:12.449 obviously how skinny you are how your hair is 00:41:12.449 --> 00:41:14.610 being worn if you look old everything absolutely 00:41:14.610 --> 00:41:16.369 and you know what it's a tough point because 00:41:16.369 --> 00:41:18.530 like what Cornelia said we're catching ourselves 00:41:18.530 --> 00:41:21.150 as you know more Conscious parents, I guess. 00:41:21.210 --> 00:41:24.150 But we're also protecting our kids from people. 00:41:24.349 --> 00:41:26.630 Yes. Calling them out like, oh, you've got a 00:41:26.630 --> 00:41:29.670 little, you know. Whatever. Whatever there. So 00:41:29.670 --> 00:41:33.969 it's just, yeah, a lot. It's a lot. And again, 00:41:34.130 --> 00:41:35.489 you know, well, let's see. So you have three 00:41:35.489 --> 00:41:38.489 boys. I have two but one girl. What have you 00:41:38.489 --> 00:41:40.750 got? One of each. One of each. Two boys, one 00:41:40.750 --> 00:41:44.110 girl. So, okay. So we have a diversity of genders 00:41:44.110 --> 00:41:46.630 here. And the fact that we're noticing it. Cornelia, 00:41:46.750 --> 00:41:49.309 now that your kids are older, do you notice? 00:41:50.539 --> 00:41:52.699 What do I want to say? We're planting still. 00:41:52.900 --> 00:41:55.699 Yours are growing. Do you notice the outcomes 00:41:55.699 --> 00:41:58.219 of the way that you parented differently in your 00:41:58.219 --> 00:42:00.420 girls specifically or your boy? You mean in terms 00:42:00.420 --> 00:42:03.039 of girls and boys? In terms of gender? In terms 00:42:03.039 --> 00:42:06.159 of not commenting on her appearance the way that... 00:42:06.320 --> 00:42:08.340 your mom did with you like do you see that she 00:42:08.340 --> 00:42:10.500 is less appearance conscious now because of that 00:42:10.500 --> 00:42:12.360 choice because i'm not the only person in her 00:42:12.360 --> 00:42:15.940 life right there so i mean my mom still comments 00:42:15.940 --> 00:42:18.800 on her okay my other the other set of grandparents 00:42:18.800 --> 00:42:23.219 still does that social media is terrible um it's 00:42:23.219 --> 00:42:26.099 it's really really difficult to succeed in that 00:42:26.099 --> 00:42:30.269 i'm i I don't know. Maybe I'm more of a safe 00:42:30.269 --> 00:42:32.769 spot for her to actually talk about these things. 00:42:32.849 --> 00:42:34.989 I would have never spoken to my mother about 00:42:34.989 --> 00:42:40.489 it. And she comes to me and openly speaks about 00:42:40.489 --> 00:42:43.170 these things. That's wonderful. Yeah, that is 00:42:43.170 --> 00:42:45.969 wonderful. But I find it really hard to watch 00:42:45.969 --> 00:42:48.590 the gender differences. But I find it harder 00:42:48.590 --> 00:42:51.989 to watch for raising my boys, to be honest. They 00:42:51.989 --> 00:42:54.989 have such a negative feedback. Boys have such 00:42:54.989 --> 00:42:58.010 negative feedback in schools. I mean, girls are 00:42:58.010 --> 00:43:00.570 easier to school. All schooling systems are made 00:43:00.570 --> 00:43:04.570 for girls and the way girls are. And for boys, 00:43:04.630 --> 00:43:07.469 and some teachers, I mean, they're at the German 00:43:07.469 --> 00:43:09.550 school, so it's not an Asian context or anything, 00:43:09.789 --> 00:43:13.349 right? But what the teachers say to the boys 00:43:13.349 --> 00:43:16.369 is just unbelievable. They usually have worse 00:43:16.369 --> 00:43:22.070 marks in just how they participate in the different 00:43:22.070 --> 00:43:25.730 sessions. And the teachers say, well, the girls 00:43:25.730 --> 00:43:28.550 are better than you. Wow. And the confidence 00:43:28.550 --> 00:43:31.530 of the boys and the anger that comes from that, 00:43:31.570 --> 00:43:33.909 that is something you really have to parent through 00:43:33.909 --> 00:43:36.750 because they get angry. And I understand that. 00:43:36.909 --> 00:43:39.769 It's very difficult for boys to be boys nowadays. 00:43:40.210 --> 00:43:43.110 Yeah, we actually had a whole topic. We had a 00:43:43.110 --> 00:43:47.539 whole episode discussing, you know, how. to bring 00:43:47.539 --> 00:43:51.340 up boys. I do a workshop on that too, raising 00:43:51.340 --> 00:43:54.739 boys because it is, and also because male role 00:43:54.739 --> 00:43:57.059 models are very difficult to find, especially 00:43:57.059 --> 00:44:00.380 in early education that all women, very rarely 00:44:00.380 --> 00:44:03.000 you find a man. I was actually very, I'm going 00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:04.559 to say lucky because I've been saying it for 00:44:04.559 --> 00:44:06.780 a long time. I really wanted my boys to have 00:44:06.780 --> 00:44:09.900 male teachers. And this year, all three of them 00:44:09.900 --> 00:44:13.000 have got male teachers. And I thought it's in 00:44:13.000 --> 00:44:17.000 the way that they are flourishing. is very different 00:44:17.000 --> 00:44:18.340 like there's nothing wrong with female teachers 00:44:18.340 --> 00:44:19.880 i actually think you know they're very nurturing 00:44:19.880 --> 00:44:22.960 it's all great but i felt like the boys thrive 00:44:22.960 --> 00:44:25.679 with male teachers because what i had noticed 00:44:25.679 --> 00:44:28.460 prior to this point was with their sports activities 00:44:28.460 --> 00:44:31.559 whenever they had not young but sort of a young 00:44:31.559 --> 00:44:36.619 -ish male uh teacher or coach Those were their 00:44:36.619 --> 00:44:38.860 favorite lessons. Yeah, absolutely. They're more 00:44:38.860 --> 00:44:40.940 interested in it. They have a different way of 00:44:40.940 --> 00:44:43.340 connecting. So we do have a sponsored question 00:44:43.340 --> 00:44:45.360 coming from our sponsors, The Meat Club, and 00:44:45.360 --> 00:44:47.659 this segment is called Fuel Your 40s. And they 00:44:47.659 --> 00:44:49.940 want to know, and I want to know actually, is 00:44:49.940 --> 00:44:52.340 there a protein focused meal that you put on 00:44:52.340 --> 00:44:54.719 the table that kind of represents your cultural 00:44:54.719 --> 00:44:58.480 background to your family? Oh, I have one. It's 00:44:58.480 --> 00:45:01.559 called ABC soup. Oh, tell us more. Like literally 00:45:01.559 --> 00:45:05.039 put in a pot. It's like chicken, carrots. corn 00:45:05.039 --> 00:45:08.320 and onion and you just leave it to boil and that's 00:45:08.320 --> 00:45:10.260 it that is not only healthy that sounds some 00:45:10.260 --> 00:45:12.300 simple enough that i could actually make it which 00:45:12.300 --> 00:45:14.739 is like beyond words like you just put it all 00:45:14.739 --> 00:45:17.300 in ignore it it tastes amazing love it yeah this 00:45:17.300 --> 00:45:19.480 is actually very similar we do a roast chicken 00:45:19.480 --> 00:45:21.780 with just tons of vegetables chuck it in the 00:45:21.780 --> 00:45:24.719 oven done yeah yeah again chicken and veg who 00:45:24.719 --> 00:45:27.619 does not want that exactly super easy yeah and 00:45:27.619 --> 00:45:29.039 you can get that all at the meat club you can 00:45:29.039 --> 00:45:33.650 use code tff for 20 off so ladies We end every 00:45:33.650 --> 00:45:36.630 episode the same way, and that is with your reflections 00:45:36.630 --> 00:45:40.269 on the 40s formula. What in a few sentences or 00:45:40.269 --> 00:45:43.429 a few words can you tell particularly moms in 00:45:43.429 --> 00:45:46.610 our 40s about how to thrive in this era? Yeah. 00:45:46.690 --> 00:45:50.809 So I just say the family tree starts with the 00:45:50.809 --> 00:45:53.190 roots and the roots of the family tree is the 00:45:53.190 --> 00:45:57.170 couple. So I really think. If you really want 00:45:57.170 --> 00:46:01.510 to nurture yourself and the stamina that you 00:46:01.510 --> 00:46:04.949 have, you have to also start with feeling good 00:46:04.949 --> 00:46:07.289 in your relationships that are not just the children, 00:46:07.369 --> 00:46:09.889 because you can't just pour out of an empty cup, 00:46:10.030 --> 00:46:13.449 nurture your relationship, spend time on actually 00:46:13.449 --> 00:46:19.539 really being together. like spending time together 00:46:19.539 --> 00:46:24.000 so that you um that you then have a good root 00:46:24.000 --> 00:46:26.860 system to have a healthy family that's brilliant 00:46:26.860 --> 00:46:30.099 what are the roots yeah annabelle when i think 00:46:30.099 --> 00:46:34.300 of my 40s i think like clarity so like simplify 00:46:34.300 --> 00:46:39.320 the things that don't really matter um protect 00:46:39.320 --> 00:46:43.860 what does and live a life that's aligned with 00:46:43.860 --> 00:46:47.940 your true self And there's no time like now, 00:46:48.059 --> 00:46:49.920 right? I mean, if we haven't gotten that far 00:46:49.920 --> 00:46:53.599 in our forties, it's time. Yeah. Well, thank 00:46:53.599 --> 00:46:55.340 you ladies so much for being on the show today 00:46:55.340 --> 00:46:57.239 and sharing your amazing thoughts on conscious 00:46:57.239 --> 00:46:59.739 parenting, tiger momming and everything in between. 00:46:59.760 --> 00:47:02.059 We are so happy to have had you. Thank you so 00:47:02.059 --> 00:47:38.780 much. Thank you. Thank you. We do need the laptop 00:47:38.780 --> 00:47:39.420 back, please.