The relationship between a mother and a daughter
can be the most powerful bond in our lives, or
sometimes the one that hurts the most. In our
40s, that relationship often comes full circle.
We start to see our mothers as women, not just
parents. We notice how much of her story lives
in us, in how we love, how we parent, and how
we care for ourselves. This episode is about
what happens when we finally stop running from
that history and start healing. It's about breaking
cycles, setting boundaries and finding peace,
even when that forgiveness feels complicated.
Because sometimes healing your relationship with
your mother is how you finally come home to yourself.
If you enjoy this episode and find it useful,
please share it with a loved one. And don't forget
to subscribe and like the 40s Formula. Nur Adam
is a Singapore -based trauma recovery therapist
and motivational speaker known for her integrative
body, mind, heart approach to healing. As founder
of The Good Life Counseling and host of The Good
Life Podcast, she helps people navigate the hidden
wounds of heartbreak, abandonment, and rejection
so that they can reclaim safety, connection,
and purpose. With a master of counseling and
specialized training in somatic therapies, family
systems, and rapid transformation protocols,
Noor believes that healing is not about fixing
what's broken. It's about relearning trust with
your body, emotions, and life story. And Amanda
Lim, Director of Lift Clinic and a leading expert
in female strength and metabolism. Science Meets
Real Life Guide to Thriving in Your 40s. Noor,
we are so happy to have you for joining us today.
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. This
is so exciting. And I think, you know, we were
talking off air, right? You know, we are not
all mothers yet, but we are all daughters. And
I think talking about the mother -daughter relationship
is something that we can all relate to. Why is
the mother -daughter relationship feel so intense?
So, you know, when we're talking about the mother
-daughter bond, It is something that can either
evoke the deepest pain or the deepest comfort
because this bond, it is not just a relationship.
It is an imprint, which means the blueprint of,
you know, love and safety. It all begins in a
mother's womb, right? So in her womb, when she
is calm, regulated, the body produces these hormones,
you know, oxytocin, serotonin, and these are
hormones of safety and connection. so when the
body produces that the baby feels that and the
baby goes oh okay i can chill i can relax but
when the mother is under a lot of stress what
happens is that the body produces these stress
hormones so there's cortisol adrenaline and all
of that is being felt by the baby and the baby
goes oh my gosh i need i need to panic because
something does not feel right here and all these
stress hormones it it primes the baby's brain
you know for for vigilance instead of ease and
connection. So when the baby is going through
a lot of this, a lot of stress on the inside,
so what happens is that it forms a baseline from
which the baby knows what trust is like, what
safety is like, what normalcy is like. And it
doesn't just live in the mind. It lives in the
body, in the implicit memory of the nervous system.
So these kind of memories, they don't speak the
language of words or images. They speak the language
of body sensations, emotions, right? So it can
feel really intense when it comes to you. So
when you go out there into the world, all your
future relationships would be unconsciously compared
to this original imprint. Wow. Right? It's super
powerful. So if the imprint is filled with a
lot of love and compassion, it will reactivate
those neural pathways of safety. But if the imprint
is filled with a lot of fear, abuse, neglect,
the body learns both love and danger. It learns
that both of them coexist and that can feel confusing
for any child, which is why you will find a lot
of individuals struggling with leaning into love
because when they crave for it, they want it.
They can't help but feel another part come in,
go, no, it's too dangerous. Do not go there.
So what you're saying is these patterns start
in the womb. Yeah. So you are born in a way with
kind of an imprint of where your future relationships
might lead. Exactly. How do you see that translating
into the childhood relationship and then when
that baby becomes an adult? So, you know, once
the baby is out, whatever has been learned, it
doesn't magically go away. just because, you
know, you've all grown up, you know, you've become
an adult. Instead, it manifests itself in a lot
of patterns that you go into, right? Because
a lot of these childhood wounds, what we call
the trauma wounds, it's something that does not
come in a form of clear memories. You might not
even remember the specific detail or event that
happened that caused you to be, you know, so
anxious today. But your body... Your body remembers
that. It stores every single event in memory
and it goes, something does not feel right today.
So it manifests itself in the form of the patterns,
the roles that you play in your relationships
in order to preserve that connection. So for
instance, you might be seeing yourself playing
this role of a peacemaker, right? Where you're
like, conflict? No, that's not for me. So you
avoid conflict at all costs and you will do whatever
it takes, even at the expense of your own well
-being. you will do whatever it takes to maintain
the peace. So that's one. Maybe you take on the
role of the achiever, right? Feeling like you
need to do all these things, achieve all these
things in order to feel like a somebody, right?
Feeling as though there's no room for mistakes.
If you make a mistake, it means that you're a
failure. Maybe you take on the role of the silencer
where, you know, you feel something, but because
this role is so close to you, every time you
feel something, There's so much fear around trying
to express your truth, express your pain and
your feelings. And do you find that those roles
also kind of tag onto the birth order that you
may have? I was just talking with another former
guest from the 40s formula about the eldest daughter.
Oh my gosh. Right? And so when you said the achiever,
I was like, oh, I feel like that one's the eldest
daughter. But do you feel that birth order and
also those roles kind of do coincide? Absolutely.
You know, what I see a lot is, a lot of the eldest
child, right, they tend to take on the role of
the caretaker. They're like, you know, I have
to take care of my siblings, you know, my mother,
my father, and they often go into these cycles
of burnout, of exhaustion. So the birth order,
it makes so much sense in terms of the kind of
roles that you naturally go into. And I wonder
as well, because, you know, the birth order,
if you're the first child, there's that anxiety.
that's there you know because you don't know
what to expect I feel like it can be a lot to
sort of handle um I think about it sort of from
my perspective as well I'm the eldest daughter
you know and you were just talking about these
sort of different roles I'm like fuck that's
me oh fuck Holland that's me that's me as well
so it's it's really weird because I actually
think I've got a great relationship with my mum
and it was something that I really wanted like
I desperately wanted a daughter I desperately
wanted to be in a position where I could have
a great relationship with somebody you know someone
I can call a friend but then I do think about
certain things and I think yes I was like a friend
to my mum but I also took on roles that I probably
shouldn't have as a child growing up do you find
that women who are you know of our age range
probably took on more responsibility as being
not just a child, but more. Absolutely. Have
you heard of the term parentified child? I've
heard this term only recently. So it's the child
who felt like she needed to take on the role
of a parent because once upon a time, she was
burdened with a lot of the adult -related matters.
Like, for example, if as a child, your mom often
would come to you to talk about a lot of the
issues that were going on in the family. You
know, as a child, you'll go, oh my gosh, you
know, my mom is giving me, you know, these big
news, this big information. I need to do something
with it. And at such a young age, you need to
understand how the brain works. You know, it's
still developing. It has not fully developed
to the stage where it's able to reason, to question
and go, oh wait, mom, this is too much for me.
I can't take it, right? As a child, you go, oh
yeah, yeah, mommy's telling me this. I'll just
absorb. I'll take it in, right? And you don't
realize how much... you've absorbed as a child,
how much you've taken on until you go into these
relationships and adulthoods and you suddenly
feel you're panicking. You know, the moment you
have to have a close relationship, for example,
with your partner, the moment you have to take
on all these new responsibilities as a mother,
it just kind of comes to you as this feeling
of overwhelm, as this feeling of, I'm just going
to shut down. I just want to run away from the
world because it just feels too much. And one
of the things I also notice is this. A lot of
times people hear, you know, oh, it's such a
loving bond that I have with my mom. And the
thing is that we need to understand when we're
talking about a loving bond, whose perspective
is it truly speaking from, right? Because a loving
bond is not the absence of emotional wounds.
From the mother's perspective, love to her sounds
like a roof over your head. School education,
clothes to wear, food on your table. In her perspective,
I've given you everything. However, from the
child's perspective, love could mean something
different. In the child's eyes, love is often
measured through connection, not just provision.
Shelter, food. These are important needs that
need to be met. They're fundamental needs that
need to be met by the primary caregiver. However,
when you're talking about a child's developing
brain, what is needed for that brain to really
flourish, to grow, it's more than just these
survival needs, right? What they need is that
emotional attunement and safety, which means
the child needs to feel that, hey, no mummy understands
me. She's holding whatever it is that I'm feeling
right now. She is able to validate whatever I'm
feeling right now. And when those two versions
of love, they do not align, the mother's expression
of love through provision, sacrifice, and the
child's need for connection and emotional presence,
when they don't match, it results in a relationship
that's very confusing for the child growing up.
Because on one hand, the child might feel warmth.
you know, love. But they might also notice another
part of them that feels this deep sense of loneliness,
this emptiness, right? And that is the hallmark
of ambivalent attachment, that push -pull dynamic
between craving closeness yet fearing disappointment
altogether. And this is where childhood emotional
neglect often lives because childhood emotional
neglect is not so much about what happened. But
what didn't happen for the child? So you may
have grown up in a seemingly safe home, no violence,
no shouting, no hitting. But if your feelings
were consistently neglected or dismissed, or
you were often left to yourself to deal with
the overwhelm, the big feelings, because we're
biologically hardwired to survive. The brain
will go into this automatic response to push
down all these needs, to push down all these
emotions in order to preserve that connection.
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code TFF. So you mentioned ambivalent attachment.
You mentioned overwhelm. What are some other
signs that we might be carrying our mother's
trauma with us? The body sensations, right? So
a lot of times you might notice yourself having
sudden palpitations, headaches that never seem
to go away. the knots in your stomach, your gut
is not doing too well, flare -ups in your skin.
So a lot of times, these signs of unhealed trauma,
it comes forth in your body, right? And these
are automatic responses. You don't even have
to instruct your body to beat faster. It's just
beating faster. And you go, what is going on?
And the reason why that happens is because a
lot of these unhealed wounds, It's stored in
the body, in your tissues, your organs, right,
your cells. And when that is that deeply ingrained,
it's hard for you to just snap out of it. You
can't tell yourself, oh, you know, chill, you
know, chill, you know, be okay, be okay. It doesn't
work that way because it speaks a different language.
And we need to be able to understand how it speaks
to us. This sounds, so we've heard of generational
trauma, you know, which is... you know, from
your grandparents, your great grandparents. But
this doesn't feel so far like generational. This
feels really close. Is there another term for
that? Or would it still fall under the same sort
of category? It would still fall under the same
because like, you know, your mother was your
first universe. So you inherit whatever she was
seeing, she was feeling. And within her own body,
she is also carrying the wounds of her mother,
her parents. So it's all being passed down and
it is generational trauma. Have you worked with
clients that have not been able to unpack that?
Meaning you can see the signs on, you know, whether
it's in their body or in their expression that
they are struggling with this passed down trauma,
but they aren't ready to address it yet? Yeah.
And you can feel it in the form of the resistance,
right? So every time when we are trying to go
there to that part that is raw and vulnerable.
they could either come in the form of intellectualizing
their feelings, right? So this term is called
spiritual bypassing and just not feel what you
need to feel, but just stay up here in the mind
because it's safer to stay up here, right? To
kind of find and you can read all the books,
listen to podcasts and go, okay, why did this
happen? But it's not the same work as going within
here, right? So clients who tend to be resistant,
they tend to show, you know, experiences of intellectualizing
and just rationalizing a whole lot of, oh, I
know why I feel this way. Oh, this happened because
of this. Is it necessary that once a client has
identified that a trauma is, that they've had
trauma carried over from their parent, that they
forgive? Is forgiveness a necessary step for
this? So when we look back at the term of forgiveness,
right? So the role of forgiveness is freedom
for yourself. You know, not justifying, excusing,
or forgetting what happened. So forgiveness is
not so much about the other person, what they
did to you, but it's more about releasing this
pain that still lives within you. So I see this
pitfall, it's so common, and it's because of
how forgiveness has been defined from the onset.
It's got a lot to do with how we've been brought
up. You know, growing up, you might hear things
like, oh, she's your mother. She brought you
into this world. Just let it go. Just forgive
her. Right. Don't be a difficult child. Rise
above. Yeah, rise above. Be the better person.
Right. The problem with these words is that it
teaches you that your pain is invalid. It teaches
you that you need to silence what has hurt you.
So if you are struggling to forgive, it might
just be because of what you've been taught to
believe about forgiveness. So a reframe that
I would like to share on this, it would be this,
right? If you say, I forgive you, mother, what
you're actually really saying to yourself is,
I release myself from carrying this pain that
was never even mine to hold. in the first place
and this refrain can be especially powerful because
it takes your power back right it shifts that
focus towards here towards safety towards freedom
not so much on what the other person can do their
capacity and their willingness to actually change
now with that said forgiveness is something that
is not an easy thing right to let go of the what
you've been holding on to because the deeper
the relational wound, the harder it is for this
part to want to kind of part ways with that and
to let go of all of that. So if you're struggling
with that, I would invite you to extend grace
and compassion to yourself and to let go of the
timelines. You know, to have to be over it, to
be done with it. Know that this is your healing
journey. Everybody's healing journey will look
very different. And you shouldn't have that timeline
or deadline in place because it's just going
to add a lot of pressure to this part of you
that's navigating through this complexity. And
I think specifically releasing yourself from
timelines is relevant to women in their 40s because
a lot of women in their 40s have daughters and
have mothers. And that's not been the case for
most of our lives. Until you become a mother,
you aren't struggling with that. And then add
to the fact that... As your parents age, you
become more of a parent to that parent. So now
you have your actual child and now you're in
a parental role with your parent. This is new
for many of us. Absolutely. How do you help women
navigate being kind of that sandwich of a parent
and a parent of their elderly parent? So it's
being aware of what comes up. Because it's not
an easy thing, right? Going to your 40s, there
are going to be a lot of these new responsibilities
you're going to take on. Caring for your child.
caring for your aging parents, managing a relationship
with your partner, your in -laws, work, and on
top of that, managing of the self. So if you
think about it, that's a lot. That's a lot. That's
a lot, right? And if you were to dismiss that
as, oh, you know, it's just nothing, right? You're
going to actually essentially telling, you're
telling your pain that, oh, what you're going
through now, it's just nothing, right? So first,
it's just being aware and going in to validate
what you're going through. And now it's not easy.
Being a mother, that's a new role that you're
taking on. And right now the roles are reversed.
You're now being a mother to your mother. And
that can either strain or further strengthen
the relationship depending again on the original
imprint. If the early bonds with your mother
is filled with compassion and love, yes, you
might still find yourself having those instances
where it's going to be tiring. It is not easy.
You are going to feel tired, but the overarching
or the... the dominant emotional experience you
might actually feel is more of that compassion
and empathy rather than, oh, this is a burden.
I'm so exhausted. I'm going to just give up,
right? And it's important to be aware of that,
right? And if the original imprint was that of
a lot of the fear and uncertainty, that is going
to come up as well. Any survival patterns that
has not been healed is going to come up as well.
So instead of feeling more grounded, you might
find yourself in these loops of feeling exhausted,
burnout, feeling shame, deep loneliness. So motherhood
can really awaken a lot of the old, unhealed.
attachment memories and wounds. So that awareness
is key so that you are in control of what's going
on instead of all these younger parts, the past
parts coming on and controlling your life today.
Can you, so the way I'm sort of hearing what
you're saying is that obviously these emotional
feelings that we go through in the womb, which
is obviously subconscious, we're not aware of
what's going on. It's something that stays with
us for a long time. Can you really truly heal
from that? Like, is there a way? Because if it's
not something that you're able to control, can
you control it later? Is it so innate that it's
unchangeable? Yeah. So the good thing is that
even if you can't remember what exactly happened,
but your body keeps score, right? Being able
to work with the unconscious, to be able to work
with the unhealed wounds, using your body as
that vessel, as that portal, right? And when
you use your body as this system, as this intelligent
vessel to guide you through the parts that still
need healing, it helps navigating through healing
a little bit more manageable compared to just
kind of like going through it, feeling blinded
and not knowing where to start. So one of the
things that I do in the sessions with my client
is somatic healing. And for those who are not
familiar with somatic healing, it's essentially
working with the body because the body carries
the imprints of our unhealed wounds. So in sessions,
it might look like slowing things down and really
tuning in to your body sensations. For instance,
just noticing what's happening right now. Is
there a tightening of your chest? Is your head
feeling heavy? Do you notice a lump in your throat
or knots in your stomach? Because that's the
language of stored trauma. It speaks the language
of the body. And there are three key elements
that I do in my sessions with clients to guide
them through this. And the first is titration.
So titration, it is being able to feel the pain,
but in small micro doses, right? Because you
don't want to overwhelm the nervous system. as
you're trying to feel these emotional experiences.
Number two, it's about pendulation. So this is
a gentle rocking back and forth between the state
of activation and the state of safety. Again,
it's to allow the body to stay within the window
of tolerance so that it does not feel overwhelmed.
And the third element, it is resourcing. So this
is about creating these anchors of safety internally
or externally. So that it sends that signal to
the body that, hey, you know, it's safe to be
here. You don't have to check out. And are these
movements, like is pendulation literally a movement
or is it a mental practice? So it's a mental
awareness of where your energy is being fluctuating
towards. So let me give you an example, right?
For example, you're walking through the hawker
center, right? You're just nicely walking through
and suddenly you're hearing this shouting, this
loud noise. Someone's shouting at the back. you're
noticing your heart, this part is just tightening
up, right? Your shoulders are tensing up, knots
in your stomach. You're feeling this irritation,
this annoyance. And suddenly you feel as though,
oh my gosh, this reminds me of my mom's anger,
right? So the good thing, you don't have to stay
stuck with that, right? You don't have to stay
stuck with what's going on here, the activation
here. It's about noticing that is there. and
being able to shift that awareness from here
to another place that feels grounded so that's
where pendulation comes in going from this space
of activation and just finding externally like
for example you know nearby you're you're noticing
there are trees and you're like oh trees gives
me a lot of calm so just bringing your attention
to those trees noticing the color the leaves
the branches the bark right and just placing
your attention there until you notice your system
feels bit calmer and once it feels calmer you
can and relate back to this place of activation
so doing this back and forth until you notice
this activation feels a little lesser right and
what you also did there was to anchor into resourcing
using the tree to kind of bring your senses back
into the present moment wow i mean i think you
know a layman's term for that is mindfulness
right you know yeah you know being in that moment
but i think that's a really it's it's helpful
to frame it as a strategy meaning being in the
present moment with the trigger might be very
alarming like i'm mindful but i'm but i'm triggered
and i'm tense versus like you said i love the
pendulation swinging out toward the tree right
right take a deep breath and then we get back
into ourselves and when you come back you don't
have to stay there forever. Stay there for like,
you know, three to five seconds and then go out
again. Yeah. It's not escapism. It's pendulation.
I think that's such a great distinction. And
it's so important to be able to teach your nervous
system to increase its capacity to be with these
feelings. The reason why I feel so many times
we don't want to feel is because we've been taught
the traditional way of feeling, which is sit
with it. Until you go into that full meltdown
and crisis, right? Until you feel so re -traumatized.
I mean, it makes sense if that has been the way
on how you're supposed to feel your feelings.
The next time you're telling your body, hey,
feel it. Your body's going to go, no way am I
going to be feeling it. That's too scary. So
you want to take it really slow, right? In healing
these trauma wounds, slow is the way to go fast.
Why is it that sort of revisiting these experiences
can actually help rather than just... sort of
staying away from them altogether? Because it's
about helping your body to complete what it couldn't
complete back then. Can you expand on that? Because
imagine this, once upon a time, if let's say
you were in situations where you wanted to let
out your anger, but your dad or your mom came
in, don't, don't you dare do that. I don't like
you to be an angry child. So what happens? As
a child, you had to hold it in, right? So the
anger that wanted to go out, it had to stay stuck.
So that is what happens as you move on in life.
A lot of the stuckness, it still remains. The
anger that wanted to come out, it couldn't complete
itself. So the objective and the purpose of revisiting
is not to re -traumatize you, which is why we
go really slow, is to be able to touch base with
what needed to touch base at that point in time
and to help it to complete it through very safe
means. So for example, anger is something that
comes in a form of activation. It's a lot of
activation that comes in your body. So the strategy
to that is to be able to discharge it. So some
of the ways on how you could do it, shadowboxing,
right? Channeling that energy towards somewhere
because the energy needs to go somewhere. If
it doesn't go out, it stays here. And then if
it stays inside, that's when it manifests as
a physical... Illnesses, everything comes on.
Do you feel that this is unique to the mother
-daughter relationship? I mean, obviously there's
the aspect of the womb, right, which is the obvious
connection. But do you think that this extends
to parenting generally? So let's say adoptive
parents, let's say the father -parent, you know,
or the second partner that's not the non -birthing
partner. Do you feel that this is still relevant
for that relationship? Yeah, any relational wound
would have very similar injuries on the inside,
right? It's still... It's going to be the same,
the wound of feeling not wanted, abandoned, not
loved, whether it comes from your mother, your
father, wherever it is, as long as it's a human
being, that injury, that relational wound can
happen. I ask that specifically because I have
a friend who is very public about her struggles
with her father. And it made me think about one
of the ways that she's public about it is that
she struggles now that she's in a kind of parenting
role as he's elderly. She struggles to not forcefully
repeat her wounds on him because she wants to
punish him. And she wants to show him how it
felt to be her now that the roles are reversed.
And, you know, she's constantly open about her
battle to not reproduce that toxic relationship,
you know, but it's hard because it's what she
knows. And so I was thinking, I was like, is
this, you know, do you see that with fathers
as well as mothers, you know, that kind of this
struggle to. not repeat patterns yeah exactly
exactly and when you're working with women that
have at least done the work on themselves so
they say okay i have examined these patterns
i know where they come from i've been swinging
on my pendulum getting my shit together but is
reconciliation so i mentioned forgiveness right
so so can you forget but meaning can you reconcile
with the parent is that the true final step where
you reestablish a relationship that is not toxic
with the parent that gave you that deep wound.
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And why is this important? Self -regulation before
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relationship? Because if your wounds, it's still
associating your parent to things like fear,
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going to just come out. Blow up. Yeah, it's going
to be messy. You're just going to be so drained
and exhausted from it. And that's not going to
do any good to yourself and also to the relationship,
right? For some people, they build these walls
around them when they have these wounds inside,
when it's not healed. They have these walls around
them. And imagine trying to have a conversation
with someone with the walls in front of you.
Imagine you open the little door, say something
real quick, shut it back up. It distorts a lot
of the information and it makes it so hard to
hear each other. And for some people that are
so good at building the walls, they've actually
built soundproof rooms. They place themselves
in the room, right? And then imagine, again,
trying to communicate with your mother and she's
outside. Nothing gets out, nothing gets in, right?
Again, it sounds like a real sort of communication
issue there where two people are talking and
no one's actually listening. Yeah. And you can't
hold space for one another if you're still coming
from a place of deep wounding. It's hard. It's
so hard. I have deep empathy for women who carry
these wounds from their mothers. I do. But I'm
very happy to say that I don't, meaning my mother
and I have a wonderful relationship. That's beautiful.
I mean, supportive beyond words. So to flip the
conversation to a more positive note, what are
some signs that you are in a positive mother
-daughter relationship? What are the types of
support, the types of conversations that you
can have with your mother that you know that
this is a secure and safe place? Yeah. You will
notice that your body feels calm when you're
talking to her. It's not tense up. It's not being
in defense mode. but you notice that you're able
to go deep with her, you won't have thoughts
of, oh, is she going to judge me? You know, is
she going to like criticize me if I were to say
something like that? But when you have those
conversations with her, you will feel it in your
body that you're in such a flow together with
her. The energy is like connected. Do you think
that culturally there's a difference between
relationships, like mother -daughter relationships?
And I bring this up because... I feel like sort
of in Asian culture, it can be a little bit more
like there's more expectation. You kind of think
about, you know, family values and what other
people are thinking. Do you see that, that there's
difference in relationships based on culture
than there is, you know, maybe in a Western type
environment as well? Yeah, I would say in, you
know, in the Asian context, individuals, children
definitely brought up more conservative, more
traditional. Right. It's talking about, you know,
those gender roles that, you know, as a man,
this is what you're supposed to do. You know,
as a female, this is what you're supposed to
do. And because of the cultural differences,
again, it impacts the kind of script that you
have growing up. Right. So if you're being brought
up in an environment where as a female, as a
woman, you're supposed to be a good housewife,
you know, cook very well because that's your
job. That's where your worth is tied to. then
when you go into these relationships, that is
how you intend to define yourself, right? So
definitely, yes, culture has a huge role in terms
of how you see yourself, in terms of what you
feel you should be doing, in terms of what your
value and belief systems are. It's time now for
one of our favorite features on the show, which
is our Fuel the 40 segment sponsored by our sponsor,
The Meat Club. And they've actually submitted
a question for you. From your work in trauma
recovery, do you find that there are certain
meals or foods or ways of eating that help people
feel kind of grounded and supported while they're
healing in their healing journey? Absolutely.
I feel food is such an important part of ensuring
that your system feels safe because everything
that you feed into your body, your body takes
it in, it absorbs it, right? And this can have
a huge impact on your nervous system regulation.
So if you're eating a lot of oily foods, high
carbs, high sugar processed foods, you will notice,
I mean, in the moment you're like, oh yeah, those
chips are so good. Comfort food, right? Comfort
food, right? But you will notice a huge crash
after that, right? The lethargy that never seems
to go away because your body is experiencing
a lot of inflammation and that manifests itself
through the chronic lethargy that never seems
to go away. You know, the brain fog. Right. Issues
perhaps with your period. There's a lot of things
that can come up when you do not nourish yourself
with the right sort of food for your body. So
what sort of thing do you recommend then to have,
you know, a stable mind, stable body, stable
mind? What sort of stuff would you recommend?
Vegetables, leafy vegetables, super important.
Having high protein rich sort of foods because
that actually keeps your tummy. full much longer
it prevents you from snacking snacking consistently
not so good as well not good for your sugar levels
because it kind of goes into these crazy spikes
you actually don't have to eat a lot meals every
single day. You don't have to eat all the time.
It's all coming from internally. When your system
is regulated, it's able to kind of control these
cravings and temptations better. And it's not
eating just because it's bored. It's not eating
because it wants to escape certain feelings.
Do you find that you have people who are using
food as an escape method? Yes, right? Escapism
can come in various forms and food is one of
them. Emotional eating, right? Because it's very
easily within your reach, right? It's so easily
accessible, right? And it's everywhere. It's
everywhere, right? At the supermarket, the vending
machines, you just kind of go in, reach in and
it's a very fast relief. You eat it, you take
that candy and you go, oh yeah, it's so good.
And then, Your brain is looking for the next
hit. It's like, okay, what's the next candy that
I want to eat? What's the next, you know, nice
food that I want to eat? So it keeps your brain
busy so that you don't have to go within your
body, which is where the hurt and the pain is
at. So, yeah. Yeah, I think the same could be
said for alcohol. Yes. It kind of distracts the
brain so that you don't have to deal with what's
going on. Yeah, alcohol, gaming, shopping. Yeah.
Yeah. Can I ask you a bit of a personal question?
Sure. What brought you to this line of work?
And if the answer is your own mother, if you
could share that with us. I would say. It's,
yeah, you know, it's my lived experience of going
through traumatic experiences. You know, I think
it started off like in adulthood, being in relationships
that were not fulfilling. But as I got deeper
into the work, you know, I realized that, hey,
actually, yeah, there were some parental wounds
growing up, you know. It's a loving family. But,
you know, there are instances where I remember
as a child. You know, big feelings. I was left
to my own to be able to deal with it, right?
So I was thinking it wasn't really from the parents'
intention to want to make me feel like a miserable
child. Looking back, it's what they could do
at that point in time based on what they have
learned themselves growing up in their families.
So going into this work, it has allowed me to
extend a lot of that compassion towards my own
parents and also first and foremost towards my
own self. to stop being harsh on myself for feeling
this way, for having these struggles that I see
in myself today. And I think moving through this
journey, I realized that this work of going within,
it's so important, right? It's not a thing that
you should do when you just have time. Because
think about this, everything that you see, everything
that you do out there is based on how you see
yourself internally here. If internally it feels
disconnected, it feels insecure, unstable, that
would be the very lens on how you see everything
out there. And even if you've got all these achievements,
good career, great wealth, you will not be able
to really be in it and really feel it because
there will always be a part of you that feels
that sense of emptiness and loneliness. Deep
wound, like you said. It doesn't heal overnight.
Yeah. Well, let's lighten up the convo a little
bit. We have a segment called Hot or Hype here
on the 40s Formula where we'll give you kind
of a hot topic in psychology. Sure. And you can
get back to us if you think it's hot or if you
think it's total hype. Okay. And you can absolutely
justify your answer. So it's not like you have
to, you know, die on a hill. You can tell us
why you feel that way. Okay. But so hot or hype?
family therapy oh definitely a heart i mean good
oh good i mean family therapy it's it's something
that allows you to uncover all those hidden patterns
of generations something that on your own could
feel really hard to process and unpack so yeah
a heart oh yeah yeah all right hotter hype moms
and daughters as best buddies I would say it
depends, okay? Because if best friends means
it is that having healthy boundaries, having
mutual respect, openness, then it's hot. But
if best friends mean there is a lack of healthy
boundaries, no privacy, emotional dependency,
then it's a hype. Then that's fair to say, I
think, because that could go both ways for sure.
All right, hotter hype, and this kind of alludes
back to my story about my friend and her father.
Adult kids cutting off their parents. I would
say it depends. If it's coming from a place of
healing, right, and safety, then it's a hot.
But if it's coming from a place of avoidance
and convenience, then it's a hype. All right,
last one. Breath work. Specifically 9D breath
work, if you're familiar with it, but that kind
of practice of letting go through breath. Hot
or hype? Hot. Yeah. Because we both did it. We
did it once. Yeah. Okay, cool. All right. Well,
our final question for every guest here on the
40s Formula, and I think you'll be in a beautiful
position to share this with us from your expertise.
What is your 40s Formula? From your background,
what would you like to offer women in their 40s
from your perspective that will help them thrive?
Stay curious. Play more. Keep your nervous system
regulated because that is where your real confidence
will truly shine. I love that. Nervous system
regulation, girl. It needs a shorter catchphrase,
but it's a good bumper sticker. Well, we are
so happy to have you with us today, Noor. Thank
you for your insights. Thank you so much. Again,
best of luck with your recent book publication,
and we hope to chat with you again. Thank you
so much. Thank you. Awesome, Fazli. Thank you
so much. Thank you. Thank you. So that's that
first little part. And now I'm going to read
your bio. And then we'll rock and roll.