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Coming up on The 40s Formula. Happiness feels

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like something we all want. But how do we get

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it? We all believe we need to chase happiness.

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When you chase happiness, it falls into this

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goal -oriented pursuit. And then there's that

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pressure. We are taught that crying is a sign

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of weakness. I vehemently object against that.

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Chronic stress is like the screensaver in your

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computer that's kind of running in the background.

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That is dangerous because that is what leads

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to burnout most often. The most important decision

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you will make for your life's happiness is the

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partner you choose to spend your life with. I'd

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ask myself, who's this guy if I'm married? I

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looked at my partner and I got used to him. My

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hypothesis is that disconnect is what makes us

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feel so fractured internally. I've discovered

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that there are hidden forces, the intangible

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things that we live with every day. And I want

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to shine a light on those things. Things like

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***. We know it's in our lives, but we don't

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talk about it. Sha In Yeo is Singapore's first

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happiness scientist, a two -time TEDx speaker

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and an upcoming author with her new book, I Miss

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Feeling Like Me. She helps leaders move from

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burnout to a place of success and fulfillment

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using the science of positive psychology. Through

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her company, Happiness Scientist, Sha 'un has

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spent over 14 years working across the region,

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teaching practical tools that help people build

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resilience, manage stress, and create thriving

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workplaces and homes. Her mission is simple,

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to show you that you don't have to choose between

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achievement and well -being. You can have both.

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The 40s Formula. The 40s Formula. The 40s Formula.

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Hosted by Jasmine Dillon, integrated health strategist

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specializing in gut health, hormones, and midlife

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well -being. And Amanda Lim, director of Lift

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Clinic and a leading expert in female strength

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and metabolism. Named one of CNA's top podcasts

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and winner of the 2025 Asia Podcast Awards in

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the Best Health and Wellness Podcast category.

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The 40s Formula is your no -fluff, science -meets

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-real -life guide to thriving in your 40s. Today

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we're talking about something we all want, happiness.

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But let's be honest, your 40s can feel like one

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giant juggling act. Between work, family and

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the never -ending to -do list, happiness often

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feels like it's slipping further and further

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away. We're going to explore what happiness actually

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means, why so many of us are getting it wrong

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and most importantly, how we can start creating

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more of it in our everyday life. So if you've

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been feeling like you're constantly running on

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empty or just going through the motions, then

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this episode is for you. And if you feel a little

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happier after this episode, why not subscribe,

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review and send it to a friend? That makes us

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happy too. Hi, Shane. Welcome to the 40s Formula.

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Hi, thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be

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here. We're so happy to have you and so excited

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to be talking about today's topic, which is happiness.

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Now, happiness feels like something that we all

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want. You know, we're all striving to achieve

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this thing, this feeling. But how do we get it?

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Because I feel like in our 40s, we're struggling

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so much with time management, family lives, work,

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working out, menopause. There's just so much

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going on. How can we get to that feeling without

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feeling like it's something that we have to do

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and have to get to? I think the challenge is

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that we all believe we need to chase happiness.

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And when you chase happiness, it falls into this

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goal -oriented pursuit. And that by itself brings

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across the notions of like, I need to get there.

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And then there's that pressure. So ironically,

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by chasing happiness, you are less likely to

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get there. So then if it's not about chasing

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happiness, what can we actually do? Like what

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should we measure our happiness by? Yeah, you

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know, there are many ways to measure your happiness.

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But what I think is most important is how do

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you actually feel on the inside? You know, and

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sometimes our body already tells us when things

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are going well or when things are not going well.

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Or we have emotions, but you know, sometimes

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we feel it, we disregard it, we dismiss it, or

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we like distract ourselves by watching Netflix.

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I mean, no judgment on those of who. to do it

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because I do it as well. But when we don't acknowledge

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some of these emotions, we don't get clarity

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on how we're actually feeling. And then how do

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you choose happiness when you don't really know

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what you're feeling, right? So it's not chasing,

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it's choosing and it's a journey. I think acknowledging

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that in the 40s, it's part of our journey rather

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than saying, oh, I should be like this. I have

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to be like this because once again, it's pressurizing

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to fit into a mold. So when you're saying choosing

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happiness, So it's like you look at the situation,

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you're at home, you know, you're sitting in your

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comfy seat, you're watching Netflix. In that

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moment, is it like then you're thinking, you

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know what, I'm so lucky I've got this house and

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I've got this sofa and I get to watch Netflix

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when I want to watch it rather than being like,

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OK, I need to buy something in order to feel.

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Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. I think it's

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about being present. Okay. When you're present,

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and when I say presence, it's not always that

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in your presence you're happy. And I think that

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again is a myth. Do we have to be happy all the

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time? We don't have to. I think acceptance and

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presence of who you are in that very moment,

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in a way, is fulfillment because then you only

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have that moment. So if you're having that moment

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watching Netflix, and for me I like to have a

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glass of wine, I'm like, chill, this is awesome.

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Right? Okay, yes. Do I have things that I need

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to do tomorrow? Yes. But that's the future. And

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many of us worry about the next day or we harp

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on what's happened in the past. It's really hard

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to be present. Yeah. We think about it. Yeah,

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because you are constantly thinking, aren't you?

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Oh, I think in your 40s, you're spinning all

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the time. It's like overdrive, right? Yes. And

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I remember, I think, I don't remember who told

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me this first, but I think about it associated

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with my parents. And they were always like, you

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know, depression is in the past. Anxiety is in

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the future. Happiness is in the present. And

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it's exactly what you said. It's like, this is

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the only place it could exist. So be here with

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it. Yeah. But I think society and many people

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that I've spoken to find it really hard to stay

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present. As you said, the mind's always... in

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overdrive and we pay attention to that because

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if we don't we fear that we are losing out we

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fear we're getting left behind and you know there's

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so much comparison around us so we're comparing

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well if you're when you're comparing you're not

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in the present because you're thinking about

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someone else you're thinking about something

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else you know so being present is a practice

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you um you talk about the science of happiness

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now what does that mean It's really looking at

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the research into understanding, you know, the

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world's population, if we think about it as 100%,

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there may be 10 to 12 % of people who may be

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struggling, maybe clinical depression or, you

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know, some kind of mental health issue, and they're

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not thriving. But what about the 80 plus percent

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who are doing okay and above? So positive psychology

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is actually studying... that group of people

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and asking a question, what enables them to be

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able to feel good on a day -to -day basis? And

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then you study that and you distill the science

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and the research that comes from that into practical

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daily things you can do. Can you share some of

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those things with us? Like what do 80 % of the

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people... Yeah, and that's heartening, by the

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way. That's heartening to know 80 % of the people

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are doing all right. Yeah, they're doing all

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right. And of course, the goal, I guess, for

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many people is not just to be okay. It's that

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we can function better than okay, right? Of course,

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on some days, that's incredibly hard to do. Yeah,

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but one of the things is about relationships.

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you know, good quality, strong relationships.

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I'm not sure if you're aware of the famous Harvard

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study, which is a longitudinal study where they

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looked at people who have been past 60 years

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and they examined all the different factors that

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led to them being healthy and happy. And the

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strongest predictive factor was the quality of

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their relationships. And how many of us actually

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do spend time to nurture those relationships?

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So it could be a simple check -in, text somebody

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that you love, send an emoji, call someone, whatever

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it is. And that to me is one of the things we

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can do every single day. And that reminds me

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of why the sixth pillar of lifestyle medicine

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is social connection. Because like you said,

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the science of happiness, it's also the science

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of health. Yeah. You know, people who are socially

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connected and have quality connections are healthier

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in the long run and it's not a coincidence. No,

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it's not. I mean, if you have a good social network

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and let's say you've been through something health

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-wise, your social network will check in on you.

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Yeah. They'll encourage you to go for a walk,

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for example. They'll remind you to take your

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medicine, right? Yeah. It's that social connection

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myself. That is literally my place in the surfer.

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Exactly. So one of these studies, I recall there

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was one which said that men who are married are

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happier, but women who are single... No, women

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who are married are unhappier. Yeah. That is

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absolutely... No, but the women who are then

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single are happier than... Than the married women.

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Yeah. Yes. So basically marriage benefits happiness

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in one gender. The guys get their kick and eat

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it. What's your thoughts on that? think it's

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a journey I've been married 20 years this year

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I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary happy

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anniversary thank you but if you rewind five

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years ago during the COVID years I would say

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that was a time when it was so hard You know,

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I saw him every day, you know. That is hard.

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All of us who are married, that is hard. And

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suddenly all the things that I saw only once

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a week because he doesn't work from home was

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there every second, right? And that's when the

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time I started asking myself, oh gosh, who's

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this guy if I'm married? It was very stressful

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to live in close quarters. And then over the

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last five years, I've also begun to kind of ask

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myself, well, what do I want in this marriage?

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And I think we don't spend enough time to ask

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these questions. And by the time you go through

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the motion, oh, it's 20 years. Well, what have

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you done? How did we get here? A lot of trial

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and error. Yeah, and so I think that marriage

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is something we both have to work together. And

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maybe the reason why married women may not be

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as happy is sometimes we, at least for me, is

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I looked at my partner and I got used to him.

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I took a lot of things for granted. And also

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I had a lot of blockage from the modelling that

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came from my parents about what a good marriage

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looks like. Or what a marriage looks like, maybe

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not even good, but what a marriage looks like.

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And I, in a way, expected him to behave in that

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mode. You know, so after I realised that, oh

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my goodness, I could be bringing that with me,

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I became more conscious and said, no, actually,

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who is he? What am I seeing right in front of

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me? Let that speak to me rather than the past.

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So, you know, that presence was so critical.

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And over the last five years, I feel like I love

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him more and more. Which is done for, Sue. Because,

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I mean, it's like what you said at the start,

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which was being in the present. So you weren't

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thinking about, you know, like things that he'd

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done before or, you know, what can he do tomorrow.

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But it's just like, okay, this is the guy that

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I've married. Now I'm seeing him for who he is,

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which I think is really a wonderful thing to

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do. And I feel like most people probably don't

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do that. Yeah, and not enough at least. Yeah.

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And it makes me think I'm sure you're familiar

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with the Harvard happiness scientist, Arthur

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Brooks. Yes. famous for saying that the most

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important decision you will make for your life's

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happiness is the partner you choose to spend

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your life with. Yes. Do you agree with that?

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I do. After 20 years, I do. And I'm very grateful.

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Sometimes I look at him and I think, you know,

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I'm so lucky. to be married to this guy. But

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as I said, five years ago, I may not have had

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that thought, but I was stuck in the past. Yeah.

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Hanging on to all the things he may or may not

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have done, he may or may not have said. But once

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I learned to let that go and realized that, hey,

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you know, he was who he was and so was I. So

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if I'm so -called judging him for that, but he's

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not, then, hey, maybe I'm the one who needs to

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kind of let that go. And so I can see him for

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who he is. I heard somewhere that expectation

00:12:07.179 --> 00:12:12.299
is basically the thing which causes more problems

00:12:12.299 --> 00:12:15.179
because you're expecting things. I can't remember

00:12:15.179 --> 00:12:17.340
what the exact saying is. I don't know. Is there

00:12:17.340 --> 00:12:19.259
an exact saying or am I just paraphrasing? No,

00:12:19.259 --> 00:12:23.080
there's something that it's like, it takes away

00:12:23.080 --> 00:12:27.200
from your ability to appreciate. Yeah. And that's

00:12:27.200 --> 00:12:29.159
the thing, isn't it? It's like I expect you to

00:12:29.159 --> 00:12:32.039
do something, but you're not meeting my expectations.

00:12:32.259 --> 00:12:35.620
So then that becomes something that is more of

00:12:35.620 --> 00:12:39.820
an issue with me because it's upsetting me. And

00:12:39.820 --> 00:12:43.179
then do expectations in family life, in relationships,

00:12:43.299 --> 00:12:45.440
at work, you know, in all of these different

00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:48.620
areas of your life cause people to sort of move

00:12:48.620 --> 00:12:52.340
away from happiness? Having expectations sets

00:12:52.340 --> 00:12:55.700
you up for a particular standard. And it is your

00:12:55.700 --> 00:12:59.080
standard. But when somebody consistently or occasionally

00:12:59.080 --> 00:13:01.379
does not meet your standard, then you are liable

00:13:01.379 --> 00:13:04.639
to feel disappointment. And that's why disappointment

00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:08.360
over time becomes resentment, right? Because

00:13:08.360 --> 00:13:12.519
if you constantly fail to meet my standard, then

00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:15.340
you are a disappointment. That's the narrative

00:13:15.340 --> 00:13:18.240
that we start to create in our mind. But we have

00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:19.879
to rewind and ask ourselves, well, where did

00:13:19.879 --> 00:13:23.580
this expectation come from? It's a lot to unpack.

00:13:24.200 --> 00:13:25.940
Because sometimes, as I said, it could be from

00:13:25.940 --> 00:13:28.600
modeling. It could be from words that people

00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:30.799
said to you. It could be from the environment.

00:13:31.850 --> 00:13:33.909
for example, marriage, right? A husband's supposed

00:13:33.909 --> 00:13:35.629
to buy something for you on your anniversary.

00:13:36.049 --> 00:13:38.830
If you have that expectation and he does not,

00:13:38.909 --> 00:13:41.509
which we see, you know, often in the movies,

00:13:41.909 --> 00:13:44.649
then you're going to be disappointed. Yeah, this

00:13:44.649 --> 00:13:47.289
is actually really funny because I remember before

00:13:47.289 --> 00:13:49.110
we got married, my husband said, oh, we should

00:13:49.110 --> 00:13:51.429
do that thing on your first anniversary, you

00:13:51.429 --> 00:13:53.429
get paid per se. And I was like, great, yeah,

00:13:53.509 --> 00:13:55.730
let's do it because it's very unlike him to suggest

00:13:55.730 --> 00:13:58.460
something like this. And then... We get to our

00:13:58.460 --> 00:14:00.320
first anniversary. I gave him the paper gift

00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:02.600
and he was like, oh, I forgot. I'm like, seriously?

00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:07.220
This is the first time. So anyway, 17 years later,

00:14:07.340 --> 00:14:10.059
I still haven't gotten anything. And then the

00:14:10.059 --> 00:14:14.360
subsequent 16 years, he remembered. No. And the

00:14:14.360 --> 00:14:16.500
funny thing is, obviously the expectation was

00:14:16.500 --> 00:14:18.580
there for the first one. But after that, I very

00:14:18.580 --> 00:14:20.360
quickly let go because I'm like, yeah, this is

00:14:20.360 --> 00:14:24.379
not going to keep. And with fewer expectations,

00:14:24.620 --> 00:14:26.600
I wouldn't say lower. People always say lower

00:14:26.600 --> 00:14:28.360
your expectations. that almost feels like you

00:14:28.360 --> 00:14:31.279
need to betray yourself, right? But I think it's

00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:34.320
a sense of acceptance that if this is the person

00:14:34.320 --> 00:14:38.299
who this person is and we see it for the totality,

00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:41.120
then the expectation is now pegged according

00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:44.360
to what your reality is, not your imagined standard.

00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:47.500
And that is much easier to do than say, I'm going

00:14:47.500 --> 00:14:49.600
to lower my expectation just for you. It makes

00:14:49.600 --> 00:14:51.559
the other person feel small, right? Yes, exactly.

00:14:51.580 --> 00:14:54.500
And also like, does everything need an expectation?

00:14:55.389 --> 00:14:58.149
Meaning, do you have to have an expectation of

00:14:58.149 --> 00:15:01.230
a gift on an anniversary? That's a created expectation.

00:15:01.850 --> 00:15:05.529
So if you go in without that, or maybe your expectation

00:15:05.529 --> 00:15:08.250
is broader, like celebration. We will celebrate

00:15:08.250 --> 00:15:10.210
milestones in our family, but it doesn't have

00:15:10.210 --> 00:15:11.990
to be like, I will get a gift of exact value

00:15:11.990 --> 00:15:15.269
X. It's like, maybe expectation's not even helpful

00:15:15.269 --> 00:15:17.889
in a lot of situations. And then you'll be pleasantly

00:15:17.889 --> 00:15:20.090
surprised. That's what I've learned. Everything

00:15:20.090 --> 00:15:23.629
becomes a bonus. You're like, wow. oh, that happened?

00:15:23.809 --> 00:15:26.950
Yeah. All right. Yeah. And then that drives that

00:15:26.950 --> 00:15:29.250
feeling of happiness, you know? Yeah, that's

00:15:29.250 --> 00:15:31.870
amazing. What do you think are some of the unique

00:15:31.870 --> 00:15:34.450
challenges that women in their 40s tend to face

00:15:34.450 --> 00:15:37.169
when it comes to their emotions and their well

00:15:37.169 --> 00:15:39.429
-being? Yeah, one thing I've been experiencing

00:15:39.429 --> 00:15:43.470
is being a caregiver up and down. Sandwich generation,

00:15:43.750 --> 00:15:46.370
that's very, it's a very trying time, right?

00:15:46.409 --> 00:15:49.549
My dad's 85. In the past few years, he has been

00:15:49.549 --> 00:15:53.639
unwell. He's better now. But when we first experienced

00:15:53.639 --> 00:15:56.379
his shift from being someone who's independent

00:15:56.379 --> 00:15:59.700
and outgoing and suddenly I have to be with my

00:15:59.700 --> 00:16:02.279
laptop in his house, just making sure he doesn't

00:16:02.279 --> 00:16:04.740
fall off the bed or making sure his meds are

00:16:04.740 --> 00:16:07.179
in check. So that weighs very heavily. But then

00:16:07.179 --> 00:16:09.700
I've got two daughters who also need my time

00:16:09.700 --> 00:16:11.679
and attention. I've got a business that needs

00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:13.899
time and attention. So I think the challenge

00:16:13.899 --> 00:16:18.220
is being pulled in so many directions. wanting

00:16:18.220 --> 00:16:21.419
also not to let yourself down. You need to take

00:16:21.419 --> 00:16:23.899
care of yourself, right? So how do you balance

00:16:23.899 --> 00:16:26.179
that? And I realized over the journey of the

00:16:26.179 --> 00:16:29.919
past few years being a caregiver and in all directions

00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:32.700
was that I should not feel guilty about taking

00:16:32.700 --> 00:16:35.460
time for myself because you are going to feel

00:16:35.460 --> 00:16:38.409
it no matter what people say. You know, your

00:16:38.409 --> 00:16:40.750
dad needs you, so you rush there. Your daughter

00:16:40.750 --> 00:16:42.629
needs you, so you rush back. You know, you think

00:16:42.629 --> 00:16:46.350
about dinner. So finding that little respite

00:16:46.350 --> 00:16:48.730
for myself was something I told myself is going

00:16:48.730 --> 00:16:51.250
to be guilt -free. That's how I got through it.

00:16:51.470 --> 00:16:53.570
Yeah. What's your little guilt -free? Yeah, I

00:16:53.570 --> 00:16:55.129
was just going to say, how do you know your self

00:16:55.129 --> 00:16:58.389
-care? Just hiding in a quiet space of the room,

00:16:58.409 --> 00:17:02.269
I think. Of the house. They're all going for

00:17:02.269 --> 00:17:04.329
a walk. You know, I've got a little park outside

00:17:04.329 --> 00:17:07.529
my place and I would just take off and go. Even

00:17:07.529 --> 00:17:10.670
if it's 10, 15 minutes. And during that time,

00:17:10.670 --> 00:17:14.269
I just deep breathe, enjoy the... If I have to

00:17:14.269 --> 00:17:16.670
cry, I cry. You know, as I let it out, I process

00:17:16.670 --> 00:17:19.609
it so that when I come back, I can be... a little

00:17:19.609 --> 00:17:21.569
stronger than I was before I went out. Yeah.

00:17:21.670 --> 00:17:23.329
And I think that's the misconception too, that

00:17:23.329 --> 00:17:24.670
self -care has to be like a whole production.

00:17:24.750 --> 00:17:26.109
Like, oh, I'm going to book a massage in St.

00:17:26.230 --> 00:17:28.589
Regis and go in 90 minutes. And it's like, no,

00:17:28.630 --> 00:17:30.190
a 10 minute walk around the house, be in nature,

00:17:30.230 --> 00:17:31.990
breathe some air, see some sun. You know, it

00:17:31.990 --> 00:17:33.829
really doesn't have to be a whole thing. Some

00:17:33.829 --> 00:17:36.730
fundamental things really do work. Yeah. Right.

00:17:36.890 --> 00:17:39.529
You just mentioned the opposite of happiness,

00:17:39.750 --> 00:17:43.130
crying. Yeah. Now, is that a strategy that can

00:17:43.130 --> 00:17:46.210
really sort of help you get to that level of

00:17:46.210 --> 00:17:50.059
acceptance and being I don't want to say, okay,

00:17:50.099 --> 00:17:51.380
so I'm not going to use the term happy because

00:17:51.380 --> 00:17:53.319
I feel like happy just feels like, you know,

00:17:53.319 --> 00:17:55.779
like up here. Yeah, which is great. You know,

00:17:55.779 --> 00:17:57.799
I feel like we all should be there. But do you

00:17:57.799 --> 00:18:00.259
feel like contentment might be a bit more of

00:18:00.259 --> 00:18:03.079
a balanced term in this situation? So, you know,

00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:06.259
letting it out and then being okay with it. Like

00:18:06.259 --> 00:18:09.720
what other strategies can people use in order

00:18:09.720 --> 00:18:13.099
to feel more balanced, I guess? Yeah, crying

00:18:13.099 --> 00:18:16.920
is a way of release. We are taught that crying

00:18:16.920 --> 00:18:20.619
is a sign of weakness. I vehemently object against

00:18:20.619 --> 00:18:22.759
that. I cry a lot, so maybe I'm just giving myself

00:18:22.759 --> 00:18:25.880
some system. But it's also a nervous system release,

00:18:26.099 --> 00:18:28.359
right? The nervous system gets so wound up. We

00:18:28.359 --> 00:18:31.099
are living in a hustle culture and we don't express

00:18:31.099 --> 00:18:34.440
ourselves enough, right? And if I remember correctly,

00:18:34.579 --> 00:18:37.440
Dr. Edith Eger, who was a Holocaust survivor

00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:39.759
and now a therapist, she said, you know, the

00:18:39.759 --> 00:18:43.500
opposite of depression is expression. It's so

00:18:43.500 --> 00:18:46.089
powerful when I read that. And for someone like

00:18:46.089 --> 00:18:48.769
her to say that and having seen so many clients,

00:18:48.950 --> 00:18:51.150
it's something that I constantly tell myself.

00:18:51.450 --> 00:18:53.789
If I'm not feeling good, I need to get it out

00:18:53.789 --> 00:18:56.630
of my system in some way or other, right? And

00:18:56.630 --> 00:18:59.329
so crying helps me, writing helps me, talking

00:18:59.329 --> 00:19:02.049
to my friends help me, whatever. And I throw

00:19:02.049 --> 00:19:04.930
every resource I have at that expression because

00:19:04.930 --> 00:19:08.430
then the feeling that... that's so stuck here,

00:19:08.509 --> 00:19:11.450
for example, doesn't stay inside. And that's

00:19:11.450 --> 00:19:13.789
how you get to more balance because why are we

00:19:13.789 --> 00:19:17.029
tilted over to one end in the unhappiness zone

00:19:17.029 --> 00:19:20.309
is that we suppress a lot or we distract a lot.

00:19:20.430 --> 00:19:24.049
Either way, the emotion is not released. And

00:19:24.049 --> 00:19:26.789
when it's not released, it gets stuck here and

00:19:26.789 --> 00:19:30.009
becomes the negative emotions, right? It's funny

00:19:30.009 --> 00:19:32.450
because you've just obviously said crying, writing,

00:19:32.690 --> 00:19:36.309
talking. And I'm like, wow, that is actually...

00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:38.779
letting it out. And I mean, obviously, you know,

00:19:38.819 --> 00:19:40.380
we talk about journaling, we talk about gratitude,

00:19:40.519 --> 00:19:42.660
we talk about all this stuff. But it's just in

00:19:42.660 --> 00:19:45.740
this moment, it's kind of like, oh, that is physically

00:19:45.740 --> 00:19:49.599
getting those trapped emotions or whatever it

00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:52.000
is that you're feeling out. Lifting barbells,

00:19:52.000 --> 00:19:55.660
sweating heavily. Those are two other ways to

00:19:55.660 --> 00:19:57.900
physically let it out. Pillows in the room. Throw

00:19:57.900 --> 00:20:00.490
pillows, Joel. don't hurt anyone and that's what

00:20:00.490 --> 00:20:02.009
we teach our kids right I mean at least that's

00:20:02.009 --> 00:20:04.230
what we teach our kids too is like you know go

00:20:04.230 --> 00:20:06.309
like you know when my I can see my little boy

00:20:06.309 --> 00:20:08.349
get so angry sometimes and I just say you know

00:20:08.349 --> 00:20:10.950
like you can hit a pillow you can punch the mattress

00:20:10.950 --> 00:20:12.849
you know you can't hit anybody else but if you

00:20:12.849 --> 00:20:15.130
need to physically express it you can because

00:20:15.130 --> 00:20:16.690
they don't have some of those more sophisticated

00:20:16.690 --> 00:20:19.910
tools yet right at four or even shaking you know

00:20:19.910 --> 00:20:22.829
in somatic practice we say shaking actually gets

00:20:22.829 --> 00:20:25.430
the body moving in a different way and it gets

00:20:25.430 --> 00:20:29.910
the emotions released yeah And it's funny because,

00:20:29.970 --> 00:20:32.910
you know, like I am a talker. So sometimes I'll

00:20:32.910 --> 00:20:34.470
be like thinking about things in my head and

00:20:34.470 --> 00:20:36.490
then I'll be saying it out. And I will get, mummy,

00:20:36.589 --> 00:20:37.970
who are you talking to? I'm like, oh, nobody,

00:20:38.089 --> 00:20:42.049
just myself. I just need to get it out. And then

00:20:42.049 --> 00:20:43.890
even with crying, you know, like we do associate

00:20:43.890 --> 00:20:47.170
crying with being sad or being upset. But actually

00:20:47.170 --> 00:20:49.650
you cry when you're happy. You cry. I mean, I

00:20:49.650 --> 00:20:51.789
cry sometimes when I laugh if I'm like laughing

00:20:51.789 --> 00:20:54.380
too hard. And, you know, or if something really

00:20:54.380 --> 00:20:56.480
moves me, it makes me emotional, it makes me

00:20:56.480 --> 00:21:01.259
cry. So actually crying isn't negative. No, it's

00:21:01.259 --> 00:21:03.619
not. Like, you know, I watch a lot of K -dramas

00:21:03.619 --> 00:21:06.619
and they actually, I can't remember the researcher's

00:21:06.619 --> 00:21:08.500
name, but there is a researcher who actually

00:21:08.500 --> 00:21:11.440
studied why K -dramas hook us so much. Stop it.

00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:13.380
This is great. Yes, tell us more. And the reason

00:21:13.380 --> 00:21:16.759
is you see resonance in the character's journey.

00:21:17.160 --> 00:21:20.900
It touches you and you cry. Wow. So you get release.

00:21:21.720 --> 00:21:23.579
In that resonance. It's really funny because

00:21:23.579 --> 00:21:27.160
my father -in -law is obsessed with Korean dramas.

00:21:27.339 --> 00:21:29.980
Like, my father -in -law. Really? Yeah, this

00:21:29.980 --> 00:21:33.319
is like an Indian guy in the UK who has never

00:21:33.319 --> 00:21:35.660
really been exposed to, you know. Yeah, like

00:21:35.660 --> 00:21:38.200
Asian media. And all of a sudden, like I saw

00:21:38.200 --> 00:21:40.339
it on in the background and he was sitting there,

00:21:40.380 --> 00:21:42.579
but so was my brother -in -law. And I thought

00:21:42.579 --> 00:21:44.039
my brother -in -law was watching it. So I joked,

00:21:44.059 --> 00:21:45.279
I'm like, oh, you're watching K -dramas? He's

00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:46.859
like, oh no, dad's watching it. I was like, oh,

00:21:47.079 --> 00:21:50.220
this is interesting. Definitely my parents -in

00:21:50.220 --> 00:21:52.259
-law also, but more convention in Singapore.

00:21:52.579 --> 00:21:57.660
Oh my God. GYG has done it again. GYG goes local.

00:21:57.779 --> 00:22:00.180
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YouTube channel. Leave us a review on any episode

00:22:16.380 --> 00:22:19.380
and screenshot it to the 40s Formula Instagram

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at the 40s Formula. But you have to make sure

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00:22:42.279 --> 00:22:45.059
to win. Stress seems to be such a big deal, like

00:22:45.059 --> 00:22:47.359
in our 40s, you know, I feel like we're constantly

00:22:47.359 --> 00:22:49.740
on tenterhooks, you're stressed out about everything.

00:22:50.779 --> 00:22:53.519
How can we manage our stress in an effective

00:22:53.519 --> 00:22:56.619
way so that it doesn't feel like too much and

00:22:56.619 --> 00:22:59.660
it doesn't lead to things like burnout? Knowing

00:22:59.660 --> 00:23:03.460
what kind of stress it is. To me, I see three

00:23:03.460 --> 00:23:05.779
types of stress. The first one is actually positive

00:23:05.779 --> 00:23:08.960
stress. So let's say you're preparing for a presentation.

00:23:09.920 --> 00:23:12.339
And you've done it a few times, but, you know,

00:23:12.359 --> 00:23:13.819
it hasn't always gone well. You have a little

00:23:13.819 --> 00:23:15.759
bit of stress to do it better the next time.

00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:18.460
So when stress is slightly beyond your comfort

00:23:18.460 --> 00:23:21.500
zone, we call this eustress. And that is actually

00:23:21.500 --> 00:23:23.900
good stress. It's just like working out. Yeah.

00:23:23.960 --> 00:23:26.380
Right? You push your limits. Yeah. In the moment,

00:23:26.460 --> 00:23:29.400
it's like... But then... you get stronger. So

00:23:29.400 --> 00:23:31.319
if that is the kind of stress you're experiencing,

00:23:31.480 --> 00:23:33.680
it isn't actually negative. We shouldn't label

00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:35.759
it that way. Then, of course, there's chronic

00:23:35.759 --> 00:23:38.579
stress. So chronic stress is like the screensaver

00:23:38.579 --> 00:23:40.660
in your computer that's kind of running in the

00:23:40.660 --> 00:23:43.680
background. That is dangerous because that is

00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:46.279
what leads to burnout most often because that

00:23:46.279 --> 00:23:48.440
is the one that you, because it's so constant

00:23:48.440 --> 00:23:52.140
and it's become so commonplace, you disregard

00:23:52.140 --> 00:23:55.970
it. You think, I'm fine. So that's the one that

00:23:55.970 --> 00:23:57.450
we need to be on the lookout because chronic

00:23:57.450 --> 00:24:00.549
stress over time actually has a physical impact

00:24:00.549 --> 00:24:03.529
as well. Burnout isn't just emotional, it's also

00:24:03.529 --> 00:24:05.910
physical. And then the last one is what we call

00:24:05.910 --> 00:24:08.509
distress. Those are for the acute moments where

00:24:08.509 --> 00:24:11.150
something that you didn't anticipate landed on

00:24:11.150 --> 00:24:13.509
your lap and you just have to... summon everything

00:24:13.509 --> 00:24:15.730
you have and sometimes everything you have is

00:24:15.730 --> 00:24:18.809
just not enough. So you go under the water, right?

00:24:18.849 --> 00:24:21.710
So I think first step is knowing what kind of

00:24:21.710 --> 00:24:24.089
stress you're experiencing because then you can

00:24:24.089 --> 00:24:26.930
choose the right strategy to deal with the stress,

00:24:27.009 --> 00:24:29.230
right? And of course, paying attention to your

00:24:29.230 --> 00:24:32.309
body. What is your body already telling you about

00:24:32.309 --> 00:24:35.029
what you're experiencing? Two questions about

00:24:35.029 --> 00:24:38.690
the three types of stress. First, If you have

00:24:38.690 --> 00:24:42.509
more experiences of eustress, are you better

00:24:42.509 --> 00:24:45.069
at handling distress? That's number one. And

00:24:45.069 --> 00:24:48.069
then number two, are you better at handling distress

00:24:48.069 --> 00:24:52.809
if your chronic stress load is lower? So let's

00:24:52.809 --> 00:24:54.569
take the first one. If you have more experience

00:24:54.569 --> 00:24:57.150
of eustress, will you be better at handling distress?

00:24:57.369 --> 00:25:00.970
I think it's a practice. The ability to respond

00:25:00.970 --> 00:25:04.420
to stress is a practice. So let's say you're

00:25:04.420 --> 00:25:06.660
doing that presentation. What do you tell yourself

00:25:06.660 --> 00:25:09.619
before the presentation? Your mental thoughts

00:25:09.619 --> 00:25:11.799
affect your behavior and your physical body.

00:25:11.980 --> 00:25:14.279
So if you're telling yourself, oh man, you know,

00:25:14.279 --> 00:25:16.319
the last four times I did this, I totally sucked.

00:25:16.519 --> 00:25:19.619
Then you are going in there with that mindset

00:25:19.619 --> 00:25:22.319
and you may not show up the best. And then you

00:25:22.319 --> 00:25:25.119
create a self -fulfilling prophecy of I suck

00:25:25.119 --> 00:25:28.420
at presentations. So if that's the mindset you're

00:25:28.420 --> 00:25:30.460
going into the distress, then I would say that

00:25:30.809 --> 00:25:33.029
It may not help you as much because the moment

00:25:33.029 --> 00:25:35.170
the distressing thing happens, you're going to

00:25:35.170 --> 00:25:38.190
think, ah, it's happening to me again. I'm stuck

00:25:38.190 --> 00:25:41.150
in this victim mindset. And the second question,

00:25:41.210 --> 00:25:42.809
again, if you don't mind. Yeah, the second question

00:25:42.809 --> 00:25:46.029
is just if you can keep your chronic stress under

00:25:46.029 --> 00:25:48.470
control to the best of your ability, then when

00:25:48.470 --> 00:25:50.730
those elements of distress hit, are they easier

00:25:50.730 --> 00:25:54.349
to manage? Yeah, you build capacity. I think

00:25:54.349 --> 00:25:57.690
this is what we mean by knowing what helps you

00:25:57.690 --> 00:26:00.559
in those moments of chronic stress. what are

00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:02.799
those practices that you are doing to support

00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:06.259
yourself? And are they something you do on a

00:26:06.259 --> 00:26:08.420
regular basis? Because if you don't, like for

00:26:08.420 --> 00:26:11.339
example, people say breathing, mindful practice

00:26:11.339 --> 00:26:13.400
is very helpful. But if you do it once a year,

00:26:13.579 --> 00:26:17.180
you are not actually managing your chronic stress.

00:26:17.460 --> 00:26:19.740
You're just managing on that one day. And that

00:26:19.740 --> 00:26:21.779
is literally lifted from exercise science, by

00:26:21.779 --> 00:26:23.480
the way. Building capacity is something that

00:26:23.480 --> 00:26:25.460
we talk about as coaches, right? It's like, it's

00:26:25.460 --> 00:26:28.440
cool if you can do a skill one time, but you

00:26:28.440 --> 00:26:31.400
need to build your capacity to repeat that skill,

00:26:31.480 --> 00:26:33.640
right? And that's how you actually get fitter.

00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:37.059
Yes, 100%. So like running a marathon, if you

00:26:37.059 --> 00:26:40.180
ask me to run it tomorrow, I'll pass me to run

00:26:40.180 --> 00:26:43.740
it for 10 hours. I wouldn't even attempt to do

00:26:43.740 --> 00:26:46.250
it. But if I've had all that practice. Maybe

00:26:46.250 --> 00:26:48.289
I can't be the top person, but I would maybe

00:26:48.289 --> 00:26:50.890
be able to compete it. And it's the same for

00:26:50.890 --> 00:26:53.349
managing stress. So if we think of it that way,

00:26:53.349 --> 00:26:55.970
then it becomes something easier to conceptualize

00:26:55.970 --> 00:26:58.789
and build. And I think that leads nicely to our

00:26:58.789 --> 00:27:01.609
next segment, which is Fuel Your 40s and it's

00:27:01.609 --> 00:27:04.609
sponsored by The Meat Club. The Meat Club provides

00:27:04.609 --> 00:27:08.109
sustainably sourced produce and protein direct

00:27:08.109 --> 00:27:11.750
to your door. And you can get $20 off your first

00:27:11.750 --> 00:27:14.309
order if you use code TFF. And the question for

00:27:14.309 --> 00:27:17.990
you that they have is, How can you ground yourself

00:27:17.990 --> 00:27:21.509
during times of stress and burnout? Is there

00:27:21.509 --> 00:27:24.190
a particular food or a ritual that you tend to

00:27:24.190 --> 00:27:27.710
practice that helps you feel balanced during

00:27:27.710 --> 00:27:32.170
the day? Yeah, I like to drink coffee in the

00:27:32.170 --> 00:27:34.829
morning. But I do know that if I take too much,

00:27:34.829 --> 00:27:37.390
it kind of riles me up, right? And I get too

00:27:37.390 --> 00:27:41.430
like... And so I also drink tea. Yeah, so like...

00:27:41.519 --> 00:27:44.079
calming teas, peppermint tea, or I just came

00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:46.660
back from China and I drink the Chinese tea that

00:27:46.660 --> 00:27:49.099
has no caffeine. Yeah. And I find that at about

00:27:49.099 --> 00:27:51.480
three o 'clock, that reaching hour of the day,

00:27:51.539 --> 00:27:53.900
right? Where you got energy dips. Instead of

00:27:53.900 --> 00:27:56.200
going for a coffee, I now prefer to go for a

00:27:56.200 --> 00:27:58.519
tea because it gives me that calming sense without

00:27:58.519 --> 00:28:01.019
the caffeine kick that affects my sleep at night.

00:28:01.440 --> 00:28:03.200
Yeah, that's really interesting because I can

00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:06.619
drink coffee all day, every day, even on an empty

00:28:06.619 --> 00:28:09.900
stomach and I feel okay. But if I have tea and

00:28:09.900 --> 00:28:13.410
I haven't eaten, I will literally throw up. Oxalates.

00:28:13.529 --> 00:28:15.630
Is it the oxalates? One might say. One might

00:28:15.630 --> 00:28:18.130
say. The tannins, I think it's tannins in the

00:28:18.130 --> 00:28:20.410
tea. And I'm just like, I can't do it. I cannot

00:28:20.410 --> 00:28:22.569
drink tea unless I've eaten something. Yeah.

00:28:22.650 --> 00:28:25.410
Which is so weird for me. But anyway, as a Brit,

00:28:25.490 --> 00:28:28.529
aren't you guys supposed to drink tea? No, I'm

00:28:28.529 --> 00:28:33.170
a coffee drinker. Yeah. So let's talk about caffeine

00:28:33.170 --> 00:28:35.910
then. How does, you know, you've mentioned that

00:28:35.910 --> 00:28:37.529
you're cutting back on the caffeine because it

00:28:37.529 --> 00:28:41.640
helps you. to sleep later on in the day. Now,

00:28:41.680 --> 00:28:43.579
have you noticed that there's a trend with people

00:28:43.579 --> 00:28:45.940
who have too much caffeine or, you know, don't

00:28:45.940 --> 00:28:47.960
have anything and how their sort of emotional

00:28:47.960 --> 00:28:51.960
well -being is? I can't say that I notice a trend,

00:28:52.039 --> 00:28:55.119
but when I talk to many people who say that they

00:28:55.119 --> 00:28:56.720
are cutting back on caffeine, the number one

00:28:56.720 --> 00:28:59.259
thing they say it's because they can't sleep

00:28:59.259 --> 00:29:02.779
at night and the sleep affects the mood. There's

00:29:02.779 --> 00:29:06.579
no denying that. Even for me, when I love the

00:29:06.579 --> 00:29:08.500
coffee, I mean, oh my gosh, I would love to drink

00:29:08.500 --> 00:29:10.900
it at 3 o 'clock, right? But I totally can't

00:29:10.900 --> 00:29:12.910
because I'll be like... an hour at 3am in the

00:29:12.910 --> 00:29:14.849
morning and then the next day I'm grouchy and

00:29:14.849 --> 00:29:17.329
so on and so forth. So that's what I'm noticing.

00:29:18.029 --> 00:29:20.869
Whether it has a long -term impact on your mood

00:29:20.869 --> 00:29:23.269
and some people do say there's a link to feeling

00:29:23.269 --> 00:29:26.029
more adrenaline pumping through your body and

00:29:26.029 --> 00:29:28.369
how that wires up your nervous system. There's

00:29:28.369 --> 00:29:30.150
also been people who have talked about that.

00:29:30.269 --> 00:29:33.710
But I can't say I'm the expert. Yeah. So obviously,

00:29:33.930 --> 00:29:37.349
you know, sleep does affect your mood and the

00:29:37.349 --> 00:29:40.950
way you feel. Stress, you know, from family life.

00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:43.339
work life, all of that stuff. What else can affect

00:29:43.339 --> 00:29:47.519
us in the way that we're feeling? The environment

00:29:47.519 --> 00:29:51.759
around us. I'm for this concept of being able

00:29:51.759 --> 00:29:55.980
to structure your ecosystem in your environment

00:29:55.980 --> 00:29:58.880
around you, right? Choosing who you spend time

00:29:58.880 --> 00:30:02.400
with, noticing what are your drainers, what I

00:30:02.400 --> 00:30:04.000
call the drainers, what are the things that deplete

00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:06.819
your energy and the things that replenish you

00:30:06.819 --> 00:30:09.619
and then being more intentional about how you

00:30:10.599 --> 00:30:13.559
structure that environment. But because we are,

00:30:13.720 --> 00:30:16.420
we live in that environment day to day, sometimes

00:30:16.420 --> 00:30:18.960
we're not aware. Yeah. So I always tell people,

00:30:19.019 --> 00:30:22.359
let's do a little bit of an audit into your environment.

00:30:22.599 --> 00:30:24.920
Love that. Because if the people around you are,

00:30:24.980 --> 00:30:28.059
say, always on tenterhooks and all nagging at

00:30:28.059 --> 00:30:30.140
you all the time or whatever, that's going to,

00:30:30.140 --> 00:30:33.259
you know, erode on you, right? And if you're

00:30:33.259 --> 00:30:35.329
not aware and you think that's the norm. Well,

00:30:35.329 --> 00:30:37.750
then maybe you can make a choice to find a different

00:30:37.750 --> 00:30:40.170
place or environment or maybe even just put on

00:30:40.170 --> 00:30:42.650
something when your ears too calm while you're

00:30:42.650 --> 00:30:44.869
trying to get your work done. So little things

00:30:44.869 --> 00:30:47.349
like that can make a huge difference. And it's

00:30:47.349 --> 00:30:49.410
like, you know, if you're always consuming stuff,

00:30:49.509 --> 00:30:53.190
whether it's, you know, directly into your mouth

00:30:53.190 --> 00:30:55.349
or, you know, whatever is on social media or

00:30:55.349 --> 00:30:58.650
on TV and you're buying stuff. yeah you're gonna

00:30:58.650 --> 00:31:00.849
feel like crap yeah you know and I feel like

00:31:00.849 --> 00:31:04.450
how you how you are in terms of your sort of

00:31:04.450 --> 00:31:06.289
behavior and your normal sort of day -to -day

00:31:06.289 --> 00:31:08.869
stuff really does affect how you feel as well

00:31:08.869 --> 00:31:11.049
so that completely you know that makes a big

00:31:11.609 --> 00:31:13.950
Big, big difference. So you say that, you know,

00:31:13.950 --> 00:31:15.690
you do an audit now. Can you give us a case study

00:31:15.690 --> 00:31:18.250
of somebody who came in and they're like, oh,

00:31:18.250 --> 00:31:20.970
I feel terrible, but I don't know why. What were

00:31:20.970 --> 00:31:23.869
the things that really were driving that, you

00:31:23.869 --> 00:31:26.369
know, rubbish feeling? Oh, yes. One of it was

00:31:26.369 --> 00:31:29.190
this person came in feeling exhausted, like feeling

00:31:29.190 --> 00:31:31.329
disconnected from their work. I mean, classic

00:31:31.329 --> 00:31:33.910
signs of almost becoming burnout. And when I

00:31:33.910 --> 00:31:35.910
asked this person a little bit more, she said,

00:31:36.049 --> 00:31:38.950
you know, I have this habit of playing games

00:31:38.950 --> 00:31:43.769
on my phone. Yeah, before I go to bed. And she

00:31:43.769 --> 00:31:46.069
was asking me, is that why I can't sleep? I think

00:31:46.069 --> 00:31:48.009
she already had an inclination that that's the

00:31:48.009 --> 00:31:50.549
reason why. But I asked her, so what's driving

00:31:50.549 --> 00:31:53.750
that behaviour? And she said, well, my brain's

00:31:53.750 --> 00:31:56.430
too wired up. And I'm thinking about so many

00:31:56.430 --> 00:31:59.329
things that's happening tomorrow. So I get stressed

00:31:59.329 --> 00:32:02.109
and I find that playing games help me to de -stress.

00:32:02.250 --> 00:32:04.710
But what she doesn't know is that the impact

00:32:04.710 --> 00:32:07.529
it's having on the brain is that it's driving

00:32:07.529 --> 00:32:09.910
the exact things that she's trying to avoid.

00:32:10.269 --> 00:32:13.430
You know, so I think when you're not so aware,

00:32:13.529 --> 00:32:16.150
you do these things because you can't tell that

00:32:16.150 --> 00:32:18.890
it's having that impact in the long run. In the

00:32:18.890 --> 00:32:21.769
moment, we all want pleasure. We run away from

00:32:21.769 --> 00:32:24.000
pain. We go towards pleasure because it feels

00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:26.799
good. But the dopamine hit also comes with a

00:32:26.799 --> 00:32:29.559
drop when you don't get it. And so that's how

00:32:29.559 --> 00:32:32.039
addiction forms. That's why we do doom scrolling.

00:32:32.140 --> 00:32:34.119
That's why we go shopping. That's right. No,

00:32:34.200 --> 00:32:35.740
my husband and I are always, you know, working,

00:32:35.880 --> 00:32:38.059
co -managing patients that have health habit

00:32:38.059 --> 00:32:40.400
problems. And definitely the doom scrolling is

00:32:40.400 --> 00:32:42.019
related to the sleep habits, which then is related

00:32:42.019 --> 00:32:44.660
to other. But exactly what you said, which is

00:32:44.660 --> 00:32:47.099
like there are coping strategies we use. So she

00:32:47.099 --> 00:32:49.799
identified that I do these games because it helps

00:32:49.799 --> 00:32:53.680
me decompress. Okay. It's fair to say. But is

00:32:53.680 --> 00:32:57.640
your strategy adaptive or maladaptive? Yes, that's

00:32:57.640 --> 00:32:59.299
right. Meaning, is it moving you toward your

00:32:59.299 --> 00:33:01.660
goals or away from it? Not saying it's not a

00:33:01.660 --> 00:33:04.220
strategy. She's obviously figured out that games

00:33:04.220 --> 00:33:07.440
gives her some sense of relief. But is it moving

00:33:07.440 --> 00:33:09.799
you toward a goal that you really want? So, for

00:33:09.799 --> 00:33:11.380
example, she wants to fix her sleep. She's feeling

00:33:11.380 --> 00:33:13.759
exhausted. It isn't. So then it's like you have

00:33:13.759 --> 00:33:15.559
to be honest with yourself about that strategy

00:33:15.559 --> 00:33:18.779
is maladaptive. Yes. I need to find one that

00:33:18.779 --> 00:33:21.420
is adaptive to my greater goals. Yes. So Amanda,

00:33:21.519 --> 00:33:22.720
you know how I've been on this journey about

00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:24.460
improving my sleep? Oh, you have been obsessed

00:33:24.460 --> 00:33:27.519
about it lately. Well, I have found something

00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:31.440
that has been incredible. Cozy Earth bed sheets.

00:33:31.799 --> 00:33:33.880
That's saying a lot because you are really picky

00:33:33.880 --> 00:33:36.200
about your sleep setup. Exactly. These sheets

00:33:36.200 --> 00:33:38.619
are made from bamboo viscose. They are naturally

00:33:38.619 --> 00:33:41.900
breathable. I get the perfect night's sleep.

00:33:42.099 --> 00:33:45.220
They keep me cool all night. Oh, and I've been

00:33:45.220 --> 00:33:47.599
eyeing the pyjamas too. They are so chic and

00:33:47.599 --> 00:33:50.519
super cozy. It's a total game changer and so

00:33:50.519 --> 00:33:53.400
relaxing for the evenings. And what's crazy is

00:33:53.400 --> 00:33:55.460
that Cozy Earth actually ships to Singapore,

00:33:55.660 --> 00:33:59.740
orders over $560 ship free, and in the US orders

00:33:59.740 --> 00:34:02.220
over $50 ship free. And did you know you can

00:34:02.220 --> 00:34:06.319
get your biggest ever discount, 41 % if you use

00:34:06.319 --> 00:34:10.559
code TFF today. So head over to CozyEarth .com

00:34:10.559 --> 00:34:13.539
and use that code TFF today. I love what you

00:34:13.539 --> 00:34:15.440
said about being honest with yourself. You know,

00:34:15.460 --> 00:34:18.019
on the topic of happiness and well -being, being

00:34:18.019 --> 00:34:20.980
honest with yourself, it may be the seemingly

00:34:20.980 --> 00:34:24.039
challenging way to get to happiness and fulfillment,

00:34:24.260 --> 00:34:27.260
but it is a very important step because that's

00:34:27.260 --> 00:34:30.019
where awareness comes in. What am I really doing

00:34:30.019 --> 00:34:33.139
or not doing that is helping me towards my goal?

00:34:33.599 --> 00:34:35.739
Right? Go. Well, I don't like the word go, but

00:34:35.739 --> 00:34:37.920
helping you to get to where you want to do. And

00:34:37.920 --> 00:34:39.800
if we're not honest with ourselves, we can be

00:34:39.800 --> 00:34:43.119
in denial for many years. And then it maybe takes

00:34:43.119 --> 00:34:46.500
something big to happen before you realize, man,

00:34:46.780 --> 00:34:49.539
I could have done something, right? Yeah. And

00:34:49.539 --> 00:34:51.619
I think being honest with yourself also applies

00:34:51.619 --> 00:34:53.960
to being honest about the good things in your,

00:34:54.039 --> 00:34:55.519
you know, so for example, being honest about

00:34:55.519 --> 00:34:57.440
the scrolling habit not helping you, fair enough.

00:34:58.030 --> 00:34:59.989
But also be honest. I'm thinking about your example

00:34:59.989 --> 00:35:02.050
about preparing presentations and being like,

00:35:02.110 --> 00:35:04.510
I suck at presentations. Do you suck? Because

00:35:04.510 --> 00:35:06.369
why do people keep inviting you and paying you

00:35:06.369 --> 00:35:08.389
to give presentations? I think you might be pretty

00:35:08.389 --> 00:35:11.369
good at it. So being honest about your strengths,

00:35:11.389 --> 00:35:13.409
I think will give you a lot of relief in the

00:35:13.409 --> 00:35:16.429
future as well. Yes. Many people I find do not

00:35:16.429 --> 00:35:20.179
know how to embrace. receiving compliments about

00:35:20.179 --> 00:35:22.019
what they're good at. And by people, you mean

00:35:22.019 --> 00:35:25.079
women, right? I think men are like, yes, he lavished

00:35:25.079 --> 00:35:27.000
that face, just call me. Women are like, no,

00:35:27.079 --> 00:35:28.980
I'm terrible. The 1 % of the men are like that.

00:35:29.039 --> 00:35:31.840
Yeah, you're right. Yeah, so they find it really

00:35:31.840 --> 00:35:34.119
hard. And I had this really interesting experience

00:35:34.119 --> 00:35:36.579
when I came back after studying in the US. We

00:35:36.579 --> 00:35:39.480
did this practice there that is all about strengths.

00:35:39.739 --> 00:35:42.780
We told a story that we have been through that

00:35:42.780 --> 00:35:45.360
reflected a certain strength. And the people

00:35:45.360 --> 00:35:47.519
in our group were supposed to tell us what strengths.

00:35:47.599 --> 00:35:50.099
they saw in the story. How cool. Yeah, it was

00:35:50.099 --> 00:35:52.000
a beautiful exercise. I do that with my clients

00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:55.300
all the time and it makes everyone cry. But when

00:35:55.300 --> 00:35:58.579
I came back to Singapore and we did that for

00:35:58.579 --> 00:36:01.159
the first few times, people would be embarrassed.

00:36:01.460 --> 00:36:03.820
They would turn bright red. Literally, I had

00:36:03.820 --> 00:36:06.780
a lady who turned tomato red. Sharing her story.

00:36:07.039 --> 00:36:09.500
No, she shared it and people were reflecting.

00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:12.280
She told me, Shan, I need to walk out of the

00:36:12.280 --> 00:36:15.369
room right now. And I said, I was so shocked

00:36:15.369 --> 00:36:18.130
because I totally loved hearing about my strengths.

00:36:18.429 --> 00:36:20.730
You know, it was so refreshing. But she had to

00:36:20.730 --> 00:36:22.710
walk out. And I said, what's going on with you?

00:36:22.710 --> 00:36:24.429
Is that a cultural thing, do you think? I think

00:36:24.429 --> 00:36:27.050
it's quite cultural. She said, nobody. She was

00:36:27.050 --> 00:36:29.929
in her 40s at the time. I was in my 30s, 20s,

00:36:29.929 --> 00:36:33.449
I don't know. But she said, nobody has told me

00:36:33.449 --> 00:36:36.760
what I'm good at. I wanted to cry for her. Wow,

00:36:36.840 --> 00:36:39.320
that's actually making me cry. Yeah. It was so,

00:36:39.480 --> 00:36:42.340
yeah. And then she walked out and then she came

00:36:42.340 --> 00:36:44.219
back and I just thought, you know, I'm glad you

00:36:44.219 --> 00:36:46.880
came back in. Yeah. What people share with you

00:36:46.880 --> 00:36:50.079
are the genuine things they have seen. You know,

00:36:50.099 --> 00:36:52.840
sometimes we could take it in and just say, if

00:36:52.840 --> 00:36:54.639
we have nothing to say, just say, thank you.

00:36:54.920 --> 00:36:58.340
Because they see you as you. How you see yourself,

00:36:58.519 --> 00:37:00.679
well, that's another story altogether. Wow. You

00:37:00.679 --> 00:37:03.480
know, so. That's so powerful. Like, I think that's,

00:37:03.480 --> 00:37:06.059
it's probably something not a lot of people do.

00:37:06.179 --> 00:37:08.219
And I think it's quite normal. You hear a compliment

00:37:08.219 --> 00:37:11.420
and you might say thank you. But I don't know,

00:37:11.460 --> 00:37:13.860
like, like I'll hear things and somebody was

00:37:13.860 --> 00:37:16.260
like, for example, people say to us, oh, your

00:37:16.260 --> 00:37:18.920
podcast is great. And I'll say. Thank you. But

00:37:18.920 --> 00:37:20.619
then I don't know. Are they just saying that

00:37:20.619 --> 00:37:22.699
because they know I have a podcast? Yeah, exactly.

00:37:22.960 --> 00:37:25.260
They're like, I mean, it is great. For the record,

00:37:25.360 --> 00:37:26.719
all of our listeners out there, I know you agree.

00:37:27.940 --> 00:37:31.300
But and I think I don't know if I if I usually

00:37:31.300 --> 00:37:34.179
take things to be genuine or if my husband ever

00:37:34.179 --> 00:37:36.199
compliments me, I'll be like, yeah, OK, whatever,

00:37:36.340 --> 00:37:37.940
you know, because I'm like, oh, you're my husband.

00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:39.480
You have to say it. I mean, you just say it.

00:37:39.500 --> 00:37:41.539
Oh, definitely. The knee jerk is to say something

00:37:41.539 --> 00:37:44.019
self -deprecating. Yeah, absolutely. The knee

00:37:44.019 --> 00:37:46.199
jerk is to just say someone says I like your

00:37:46.199 --> 00:37:48.469
outfit. You're like, oh, thank you. I don't know.

00:37:48.610 --> 00:37:50.809
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I got it on bargain, whatever.

00:37:50.989 --> 00:37:53.170
You know, it's like you immediately self -deprecate.

00:37:53.170 --> 00:37:57.289
I think that is a very embodied feminine pattern

00:37:57.289 --> 00:37:59.789
of communication. Yeah, it's a protection mechanism.

00:37:59.829 --> 00:38:02.409
Yes. Because we do it to ourselves first, self

00:38:02.409 --> 00:38:05.469
-sabotage, so that when people actually do say

00:38:05.469 --> 00:38:09.210
it, we have already said it. It's so painful

00:38:09.210 --> 00:38:13.329
to see everyone do this, but it's that. thing

00:38:13.329 --> 00:38:15.610
that maybe when you were younger that was what

00:38:15.610 --> 00:38:17.769
you received or those were notions that were

00:38:17.769 --> 00:38:21.409
said to you and we have outgrown that young self

00:38:21.409 --> 00:38:24.670
but yet we still carry it forward right and that

00:38:24.670 --> 00:38:27.570
makes it so hard to because it's protection who

00:38:27.570 --> 00:38:31.130
doesn't want to feel safe we all do so if someone

00:38:31.130 --> 00:38:33.269
we feel that someone's going to maybe say something

00:38:33.269 --> 00:38:36.010
not so nice about our clothes or whatever we're

00:38:36.010 --> 00:38:37.630
doing then might as well we say it ourselves

00:38:37.630 --> 00:38:39.469
because we're used to talking to ourselves like

00:38:39.469 --> 00:38:41.969
that But in the long run, that's really hard

00:38:41.969 --> 00:38:43.969
for our well -being. And that's survival, isn't

00:38:43.969 --> 00:38:47.110
it? Feeling safe, that's when you know you're

00:38:47.110 --> 00:38:48.550
going to survive and it just comes back down

00:38:48.550 --> 00:38:51.190
to human nature and what humans are designed

00:38:51.190 --> 00:38:55.289
to do. So, okay, let's take a completely different

00:38:55.289 --> 00:38:57.710
direction now. We're going to do this little

00:38:57.710 --> 00:38:59.750
segment called Hot or Hype. It's like a little

00:38:59.750 --> 00:39:02.630
game. We're going to throw out some trending

00:39:02.630 --> 00:39:06.369
terms or facts and we'd like to hear your opinion

00:39:06.369 --> 00:39:09.110
as to whether you think it's hot or hype. Okay.

00:39:09.449 --> 00:39:14.150
Gratitude journaling. Hot. Yeah. How about something

00:39:14.150 --> 00:39:19.110
like a digital detox? Can we go in between? Yes,

00:39:19.170 --> 00:39:26.760
you can. Hot and hype. Hope. The detox has to

00:39:26.760 --> 00:39:29.440
come with intention and awareness. It's not like,

00:39:29.500 --> 00:39:30.860
oh, I'm just going to put my phone away because

00:39:30.860 --> 00:39:32.699
you know what? Your old practices and habits

00:39:32.699 --> 00:39:34.519
are just going to pull you back to your phone,

00:39:34.579 --> 00:39:37.840
right? So it's the intention. Why do you want

00:39:37.840 --> 00:39:41.019
to do this detox in the first place? And maybe

00:39:41.019 --> 00:39:43.980
the thing is it's your sleep, it's your relationships,

00:39:44.059 --> 00:39:46.219
maybe you are spending too much money shopping.

00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:50.320
Right? So there must be a clear intention and

00:39:50.320 --> 00:39:53.159
then not say it's more hot than hype. It's like

00:39:53.159 --> 00:39:55.719
dry January, right? If February 1st, you're going

00:39:55.719 --> 00:39:57.960
to just like face plant into 10 beers, probably

00:39:57.960 --> 00:39:59.980
dry January is not a thing that you need to do.

00:40:00.119 --> 00:40:02.059
Yeah, or you need to digitally detox while you're

00:40:02.059 --> 00:40:04.000
in a beautiful villa in Bintan. Well, that's

00:40:04.000 --> 00:40:06.519
pretty easy to do. Yeah, but when you come back

00:40:06.519 --> 00:40:08.099
and all the stresses in your life start coming

00:40:08.099 --> 00:40:10.079
back, is that really going to help you, right?

00:40:10.179 --> 00:40:12.300
So intention, I think, matters to that. Yeah,

00:40:12.320 --> 00:40:14.420
I think that's a great way to look at it. What

00:40:14.420 --> 00:40:18.139
about supplements? So ashwagandha, what else

00:40:18.139 --> 00:40:19.739
is a good one? Yeah, for happiness. Yeah, for

00:40:19.739 --> 00:40:24.739
happiness. So mood -boosting stuff. I'm inclined

00:40:24.739 --> 00:40:29.480
to say hot. Yeah. Because I have actually taken

00:40:29.480 --> 00:40:31.800
supplements that do actually help me to feel

00:40:31.800 --> 00:40:34.940
better. Which ones, Sha 'en? Share the teas.

00:40:36.099 --> 00:40:40.420
Tea. Yeah. I mean, ashwagandha definitely contributes.

00:40:40.599 --> 00:40:43.280
I take magnesium to help with my sleep. For a

00:40:43.280 --> 00:40:45.739
bit, that's a sleep. Vitamin D sometimes because

00:40:45.739 --> 00:40:47.880
although we live in sunny Singapore, you'd be

00:40:47.880 --> 00:40:49.940
surprised how many people are shot on. I would

00:40:49.940 --> 00:40:52.780
not be surprised. work every day. Everyone that

00:40:52.780 --> 00:40:55.139
we speak to. And of course, like vitamin C, right?

00:40:55.159 --> 00:40:57.280
Like the basic stuff that, you know, and the

00:40:57.280 --> 00:41:00.300
kind of diets that we have are definitely not

00:41:00.300 --> 00:41:02.360
giving us enough. But what I've learned about

00:41:02.360 --> 00:41:05.239
supplements as well from a nutritionist or a

00:41:05.239 --> 00:41:07.639
dietitian was that your gut has to be able to

00:41:07.639 --> 00:41:11.099
absorb these supplements. So I guess if, and

00:41:11.099 --> 00:41:13.099
I've learned that over time, my gut hasn't been

00:41:13.099 --> 00:41:15.199
very good. And I used to be a teacher and I developed

00:41:15.199 --> 00:41:18.090
very bad gastric problems. Yeah, so now I take

00:41:18.090 --> 00:41:20.349
probiotics to kind of line the thing and then

00:41:20.349 --> 00:41:22.969
I find that the absorption does help. So if you're

00:41:22.969 --> 00:41:25.250
just chugging supplements without looking at

00:41:25.250 --> 00:41:27.429
the whole system in your body, then it's very

00:41:27.429 --> 00:41:30.409
expensive. Oh yeah, just expensive tea, right?

00:41:30.510 --> 00:41:35.530
Yes. Chocolate, wine, shopping, shoes, handbags.

00:41:35.829 --> 00:41:42.170
Hot. Yes, yes, yes. Keep going. Oh yeah, I wouldn't

00:41:42.170 --> 00:41:45.170
say I'm a super shopper. Yeah. But I always shop

00:41:45.170 --> 00:41:49.650
to... give myself a reward yeah yeah not because

00:41:49.650 --> 00:41:52.349
i have to earn it but because i feel good yeah

00:41:52.349 --> 00:41:55.210
like i've got a new gig sealed i'm gonna buy

00:41:55.210 --> 00:41:57.570
that nice new thing i want to buy because i've

00:41:57.570 --> 00:42:00.849
i've worked hard for this it's not a reward although

00:42:00.849 --> 00:42:03.650
it sounds like it but it's like it's just celebrating

00:42:03.650 --> 00:42:06.800
the win yeah That's how I look at it. Like when

00:42:06.800 --> 00:42:08.699
we buy new workout clothes, which we've been

00:42:08.699 --> 00:42:12.599
working out consistently for years. I don't mind

00:42:12.599 --> 00:42:15.800
buying trainers and leggings and workout stuff.

00:42:15.900 --> 00:42:17.699
I don't feel guilty about buying that stuff.

00:42:18.019 --> 00:42:19.719
Oh, literally zero. Again, but that's our work

00:42:19.719 --> 00:42:22.059
clothes. It is our work clothes. It's little

00:42:22.059 --> 00:42:24.280
messages to yourself. You know, I always believe

00:42:24.280 --> 00:42:26.960
happiness is built on the little. Words that

00:42:26.960 --> 00:42:29.260
we say to ourselves on a day -to -day basis.

00:42:29.699 --> 00:42:32.440
Okay, so then coming back to that, can money

00:42:32.440 --> 00:42:36.420
buy happiness? Ah, there's a study which was

00:42:36.420 --> 00:42:38.840
recently revised. Okay, so the original study

00:42:38.840 --> 00:42:43.079
said that human beings need about 75 ,000 US

00:42:43.079 --> 00:42:49.159
dollars to be feeling fairly happy. It was a

00:42:49.159 --> 00:42:52.840
long -time study that was not dismantled. But

00:42:52.840 --> 00:42:55.820
recently, they did say that certain conditions

00:42:55.820 --> 00:42:59.079
also have to be in place. Just money alone is

00:42:59.079 --> 00:43:01.920
not going to get you that happiness, right? Things

00:43:01.920 --> 00:43:03.820
like social connection that we talked about earlier.

00:43:03.960 --> 00:43:06.199
If you have all the money in the world, but no

00:43:06.199 --> 00:43:08.780
social connection, it's also. But it's also true

00:43:08.780 --> 00:43:11.199
that if you don't have enough money, it is going

00:43:11.199 --> 00:43:14.300
to kick you into survival mindset. And that could

00:43:14.300 --> 00:43:16.940
be really difficult. So there's no straightforward

00:43:16.940 --> 00:43:19.460
answer. It's very nuanced. And we have to see

00:43:19.460 --> 00:43:22.719
the context of how the person is living. Didn't

00:43:22.719 --> 00:43:24.880
that study come out around the same time when

00:43:24.880 --> 00:43:26.639
we found out that Bhutan was the kingdom of happiness?

00:43:26.900 --> 00:43:30.099
And Bhutan made all the headlines. Do you remember,

00:43:30.199 --> 00:43:33.280
what was the secret of the Bhutanese that made

00:43:33.280 --> 00:43:34.739
them the kingdom of happiness? I don't actually

00:43:34.739 --> 00:43:36.300
remember, but do you remember? Well, there's

00:43:36.300 --> 00:43:40.059
something that I read, and it sounds so counterintuitive,

00:43:40.260 --> 00:43:43.760
is that they contemplate death. everything that's

00:43:43.760 --> 00:43:46.440
right that was in the comfort crisis I believe

00:43:46.440 --> 00:43:49.019
yes so interesting okay so what they're doing

00:43:49.019 --> 00:43:50.760
is they're they're not looking at themselves

00:43:50.760 --> 00:43:54.139
as being immortal which I feel a lot of us do

00:43:54.139 --> 00:43:56.440
we don't really think about death you know like

00:43:56.440 --> 00:44:00.000
unless obviously it's imminent but that kind

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:01.980
of makes it look like right you're basically

00:44:01.980 --> 00:44:05.380
making yourself which we all are, obviously.

00:44:05.639 --> 00:44:07.639
And then you're learning, I guess, to live in

00:44:07.639 --> 00:44:09.519
the present. Is that how it works? Yes, that's

00:44:09.519 --> 00:44:12.980
right. So they contemplate not being like all

00:44:12.980 --> 00:44:15.760
in the doldrums or stuff. It sounds terrible,

00:44:15.820 --> 00:44:19.059
but it's not actually. And I do that. I find

00:44:19.059 --> 00:44:23.739
that it keeps you alive and awake to what you're

00:44:23.739 --> 00:44:26.239
experiencing right now. Not morbid thoughts,

00:44:26.460 --> 00:44:29.019
right? But it's more like, oh, wow, yeah. I mean,

00:44:29.039 --> 00:44:31.139
who knows what's going to happen tomorrow? You

00:44:31.139 --> 00:44:32.980
know, when some people spin off and say, Kapai

00:44:32.980 --> 00:44:35.300
DM, seize the day. And then they spend all their

00:44:35.300 --> 00:44:38.420
money. Well, it's not that as well. I think we

00:44:38.420 --> 00:44:40.800
have to come with a little bit of that balance,

00:44:41.039 --> 00:44:44.760
right? But the contemplation reminds you that,

00:44:44.800 --> 00:44:48.360
hey, you are alive. Yeah. You are living. And

00:44:48.360 --> 00:44:50.320
yes, there's going to be hard things. We all

00:44:50.320 --> 00:44:53.489
go through difficult things. But today. it's

00:44:53.489 --> 00:44:55.309
here for you and what you're going to do with

00:44:55.309 --> 00:44:57.610
today. It's beautiful to live that reaction.

00:44:57.769 --> 00:45:00.949
It takes a lot of burden off our shoulders. You're

00:45:00.949 --> 00:45:02.550
right, actually, because in the little things,

00:45:02.730 --> 00:45:04.670
you know, your kids not putting their shoes on

00:45:04.670 --> 00:45:07.750
before school don't really matter so much. Yes,

00:45:07.789 --> 00:45:11.130
exactly. Yeah, wow. And then, so what would you

00:45:11.130 --> 00:45:13.530
say are your sort of top three then tips to,

00:45:13.530 --> 00:45:17.909
you know, helping women get the most out of their

00:45:17.909 --> 00:45:22.099
everyday life? Wow, that's a big question. What

00:45:22.099 --> 00:45:24.739
are the top three tips? Appreciation. I would

00:45:24.739 --> 00:45:28.119
say appreciate what you have. They say that contentment

00:45:28.119 --> 00:45:31.920
comes when you appreciate what you have. Very

00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:35.639
often we have a negative bias that points us

00:45:35.639 --> 00:45:37.659
in the opposite direction. We start to notice

00:45:37.659 --> 00:45:41.820
what we don't have and feel less than. So gratitude.

00:45:42.360 --> 00:45:44.900
Just now we talked about celebrating wins. I

00:45:44.900 --> 00:45:47.699
think for women, we need to celebrate, shout

00:45:47.699 --> 00:45:51.099
it out loud, whatever it is. It sounds like,

00:45:51.119 --> 00:45:53.639
oh, you're so proud and arrogant, but we don't

00:45:53.639 --> 00:45:56.500
do that enough. And we're not talking about big

00:45:56.500 --> 00:45:58.900
wins like, oh, I appeared in a newspaper kind

00:45:58.900 --> 00:46:01.840
of wins, but like, hey, I completed my first

00:46:01.840 --> 00:46:04.739
workout today. Yes, that is the biggest win.

00:46:04.940 --> 00:46:09.730
This airs. I had an argument with my daughter

00:46:09.730 --> 00:46:14.130
and I didn't shout at her. I was able to empathize.

00:46:14.130 --> 00:46:16.550
I mean, little things like this that weigh us

00:46:16.550 --> 00:46:19.170
down and make us think less of ourselves, we

00:46:19.170 --> 00:46:21.550
need to celebrate those wins. Little things are

00:46:21.550 --> 00:46:23.710
the big things. They really are. They compound,

00:46:24.010 --> 00:46:26.769
right? As James Cleo talked about, the atomic

00:46:26.769 --> 00:46:30.130
effect, 1 % of celebrating small wins leads to

00:46:30.130 --> 00:46:33.070
exponential gains. Imagine if we did more of

00:46:33.070 --> 00:46:35.070
that. Wow, we need to do more of that, guys.

00:46:35.110 --> 00:46:37.429
Everyone, more of celebrating the small stuff.

00:46:37.909 --> 00:46:39.469
Shane, can you tell us what you're going to be

00:46:39.469 --> 00:46:42.409
doing next? What's up and coming for you? Yeah,

00:46:42.449 --> 00:46:45.349
I'm writing a book and it's called I Miss Feeling

00:46:45.349 --> 00:46:49.909
Like Me. Yeah, and it's about how we, in our

00:46:49.909 --> 00:46:53.010
journey to happiness, sometimes feel very disconnected

00:46:53.010 --> 00:46:55.489
from who we are. And I think my hypothesis is

00:46:55.489 --> 00:46:58.489
that disconnect is what makes us feel so fractured

00:46:58.489 --> 00:47:02.119
internally. And I think over the last 14 years

00:47:02.119 --> 00:47:03.940
of doing this work, I've discovered that there

00:47:03.940 --> 00:47:06.699
are hidden forces, maybe the intangible things

00:47:06.699 --> 00:47:09.599
that we live with every day. And I want to shine

00:47:09.599 --> 00:47:11.780
a light on those things. Things like perfectionism.

00:47:12.059 --> 00:47:15.239
Things like showing up with a big smile but feeling

00:47:15.239 --> 00:47:19.960
like shit inside. Addiction to productivity.

00:47:20.760 --> 00:47:25.099
All these things that we know it's in our lives,

00:47:25.199 --> 00:47:27.639
but we don't talk about it. And I want to shine

00:47:27.639 --> 00:47:29.800
the light on that because... with awareness,

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:33.659
then change can happen with little steps. So

00:47:33.659 --> 00:47:35.239
it's definitely going to end on a hopeful note.

00:47:35.280 --> 00:47:37.440
I am the happiness scientist. Yeah, thank you.

00:47:37.599 --> 00:47:40.000
But once you shine the light, then we'll say,

00:47:40.059 --> 00:47:41.719
hey, you know, there's a different way that you

00:47:41.719 --> 00:47:45.179
can choose to live. Yeah. And that kind of harkens

00:47:45.179 --> 00:47:47.079
to something that I think has come up in happiness

00:47:47.079 --> 00:47:50.280
narrative recently, which is toxic positivity.

00:47:51.260 --> 00:47:53.599
Can you talk us through what toxic positivity

00:47:53.599 --> 00:47:56.300
is differently from authentic happiness? Yeah,

00:47:56.360 --> 00:47:59.320
it's toxic positivity is when you just smell

00:47:59.320 --> 00:48:01.800
even when things are hard. So someone told you,

00:48:01.860 --> 00:48:05.280
oh, I lost my job. It's okay. You know, I'm sure

00:48:05.280 --> 00:48:07.559
you can find one very soon. There's so many available

00:48:07.559 --> 00:48:11.019
jobs on LinkedIn. You know, that is toxic because

00:48:11.019 --> 00:48:13.079
you're not meeting the person where they are.

00:48:13.800 --> 00:48:17.699
They are feeling sad, they have grief, lost identity.

00:48:17.780 --> 00:48:19.980
There's so much that goes into losing a job.

00:48:20.019 --> 00:48:22.619
And if you tell them, no worries, yes, the intention

00:48:22.619 --> 00:48:25.320
is most often good. You're trying to help the

00:48:25.320 --> 00:48:27.920
person to feel better. But honestly, that person

00:48:27.920 --> 00:48:31.139
probably feels worse. So authentic happiness

00:48:31.139 --> 00:48:34.360
is meeting the person where they are, extending

00:48:34.360 --> 00:48:36.840
that empathy and say, wow, that must be hard.

00:48:37.400 --> 00:48:40.599
You know, that job mustn't mean a lot to you.

00:48:40.960 --> 00:48:42.820
Of course, if the person is like, I love my job,

00:48:42.860 --> 00:48:44.559
then you meet them there as well, right? I mean,

00:48:44.579 --> 00:48:47.159
authenticity is being able to see where the person

00:48:47.159 --> 00:48:49.800
is and gently meet them where they are. That's

00:48:49.800 --> 00:48:51.460
very different from just being blanket positive

00:48:51.460 --> 00:48:54.079
all the time. Right, Cheyenne, this has been

00:48:54.079 --> 00:48:56.599
such an amazing discussion. I've really loved

00:48:56.599 --> 00:48:58.139
having this conversation with you because I feel

00:48:58.139 --> 00:49:00.199
like it's something that's not just relevant

00:49:00.199 --> 00:49:02.920
to women in their 40s, but relevant to everybody,

00:49:03.179 --> 00:49:05.760
anywhere, anytime, small kids, big kids, little

00:49:05.760 --> 00:49:08.500
kids. Yeah, and the longer you start thinking

00:49:08.500 --> 00:49:10.760
about this stuff, I feel like the longer trajectory

00:49:10.760 --> 00:49:12.820
of happiness you may have. So it's never too

00:49:12.820 --> 00:49:15.380
early. Yeah, so much for having me. But before

00:49:15.380 --> 00:49:17.800
we do go, we do have one more question for you.

00:49:17.900 --> 00:49:19.719
And it's one question that we ask all of our

00:49:19.719 --> 00:49:21.940
listeners. And it is, what's your 40s formula?

00:49:22.320 --> 00:49:26.659
What advice, mantra or tips, strategies, anything

00:49:26.659 --> 00:49:28.539
you want, would you like to share with our audience

00:49:28.539 --> 00:49:31.519
who are in their 40s about how they can thrive

00:49:31.519 --> 00:49:35.119
in this decade? My mantra is I'm doing the best

00:49:35.119 --> 00:49:38.260
that I can given the resources that I have. Yeah.

00:49:38.360 --> 00:49:42.460
And that's okay. That is a formula. I mean, put

00:49:42.460 --> 00:49:45.119
that on a t -shirt, girl. I'm doing the best

00:49:45.119 --> 00:49:47.519
that I can given the resources that I have. And

00:49:47.519 --> 00:49:49.800
that's really the best that we can do, right?

00:49:49.960 --> 00:49:52.320
I think sometimes we often push ourselves to

00:49:52.320 --> 00:49:56.119
say, I need to do more, be more. And I get that.

00:49:56.159 --> 00:49:58.320
I get where that's coming from. But honestly,

00:49:58.519 --> 00:50:01.320
some days for me, my battery's flat. And if my

00:50:01.320 --> 00:50:04.300
battery's flat and I still show up doing something,

00:50:04.380 --> 00:50:08.260
that is 100%. That is not 0%. Many people do

00:50:08.260 --> 00:50:10.840
not see it that way. But I think we need to live

00:50:10.840 --> 00:50:12.719
that way so that we're not so hard on ourselves.

00:50:13.320 --> 00:50:16.300
Yes. Thank you so much. I think you've shared

00:50:16.300 --> 00:50:20.460
so much amazing stuff. And we're happier for

00:50:20.460 --> 00:50:22.860
it. Yeah, for sure. So thanks for being here.

00:50:23.599 --> 00:50:24.099
Thank you.