WEBVTT

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coming up on the 40s formula since singapore

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you know sex ed was called abstinence they will

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show us stds blisters and picture of aborted

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feeders and if you enjoyed it you're probably

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a do you think that Women, especially in their

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40s, are having sex for themselves or is it more

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for someone else? I was introduced to this sex

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toy. It gets you there in like three minutes.

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Wow. If you haven't had the opportunity to experience

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things, how would you know where you want to

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go and how to get there? You'll be surprised

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how many women have never looked at their vulva

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before. When I actually showed them, they're

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like, oh, do you mean this is how I look like?

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Your husband is no longer connecting to you at

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all. intellectual level, that emotional level,

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the spiritual level, then what sex are we talking

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about here? If your wife is stressed beyond her

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limits because you don't pick up your end of

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the deal, if you sit around like a big slob,

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you can bet, bro, that she's not hopping into

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bed. Angela Tan, a certified sexologist, intimacy

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coach, and medical doctor who's helped hundreds

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of women unlearn the good girl script and reconnect

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with what they actually want inside and outside

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of the bedroom. The 40s Formula. The 40s Formula.

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The 40s Formula. Hosted by Jasmine Dillon, integrated

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health strategist specializing in gut health,

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hormones, and midlife well -being. And Amanda

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Lim, director of Lift Clinic and a leading expert

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in female strength and metabolism. Name one of

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CNA's top podcasts and a finalist for best health

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and wellness podcast. The 40s Formula is your

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no fluff. Science Meets Real Life Guide to Thriving

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in Your 40s. And today we're having that conversation,

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the one so many of us have tiptoed around for

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far too long. We're talking sex, shame, pleasure

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and all the things we were never really taught,

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especially now in our 40s when our bodies, minds

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and relationships are shifting in ways that no

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one prepared us for. Our guest today is Dr. Angela

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Tan, a certified sexologist, intimacy coach,

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and medical doctor who's helped hundreds of women

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unlearn the good girl script and reconnect with

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what they actually want inside and outside of

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the bedroom. This episode isn't just about hormones

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or libido. It's about power, identity, healing,

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and rewriting the stories that we've been told

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about sex. This is absolutely something every

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woman needs to hear, whether you're in a long

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-term relationship, figuring yourself out again,

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or just starting to question the stories you've

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been told about sex and intimacy. So don't forget

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to subscribe, follow the show, and share this

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episode with a friend, a sister, or maybe anyone

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who needs to feel seen and heard and maybe a

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little turned on. And we'll be right back after

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this. Hi, Dr. Angela. It's so good to have you

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here. We're so excited. Hi there. So my name

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is Angela. So do I say hi to anyone here? You

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just say it. It's totally up to you. So, Angela,

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do you think that women, especially in their

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40s, are having sex for themselves or is it more

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for someone else? All right, before we dive into

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today's episode, let's talk about something that

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makes our lives way easier. And tastier, because

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let's be honest, between work, workouts, and

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you know, life, we don't exactly have time to

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wrestle the trolleys at the supermarket. Which

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is why we've been with The Meat Club since the

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beginning of the 40s formula. Yep, they've had

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our backs since episode one, and tasty dinners

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convenience and we're here for it. All right,

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TMC drop check. Let's see what we got here. Oh,

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well, first things first, you can't have Taco

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Tuesdays without Snapper. But what about salmon?

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Because that's definitely our favorite. Okay,

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fair enough. But chicken breast, that's the workhorse

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we're eating every single day. I think it's all

00:04:15.710 --> 00:04:17.949
about the chicken thighs. Oh my gosh, chicken

00:04:17.949 --> 00:04:19.689
thighs. I don't know if I could get one down

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myself, but I do know that this mince makes a

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mean burger. Who wants burgers when you can have

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a grass -fed beef eye fillet steak? Okay, that

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is amazing. But with that steak, I would definitely

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be serving this delicious broccoli and spicing

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it up with these chilies. Okay, you've definitely

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won there. I have got some coriander, some cherry

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tomatoes. I mean, check out the color on those.

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And for dessert, strawberries. We also got some

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We'll drop it in the show notes or you can find

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it on our Instagram. The Meat Club, where quality

00:05:22.449 --> 00:05:27.329
meets convenience. Do you think that women, especially

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in their 40s, are having sex for themselves or

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is it more for someone else? In my personal opinion

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and the experience I've had, I guess it's across

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the range. So I have a group of women who like,

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you know, what I'm done with waiting for things

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to happen, right? I want to own my body. I want

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to own my sexuality. And then this is how I want

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to feel about myself, right? And then we have

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another group of women who like, okay, so what

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do I do about it? Like, you know, I don't have

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the voice to speak up. Right. I'm not sure what

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I want. Right. I'm always waiting for someone

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to initiate. You know, if I initiate, I might

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appear as being too needy, too desperate or even

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being labelled as, you know, sluttish. So I'll

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hold myself back there. Right. How can women

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sort of speak up and initiate that conversation?

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it's really hard to just tell people, hey, you

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can do it, you can do it, you can do it, right?

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It doesn't work that way. So unfortunately, you

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know, the culture that we are in, the way that

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we are being brought up a lot of times, makes

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us feel that, you know, women is always playing

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the supportive role. We can't be too domineering,

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too demanding, because that's not what the characteristic

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of a good woman is, right? So we can't just tell

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people that, hey, you know like embrace yourself

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embrace your body right ask for the sex that

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you want okay it really takes a stepwise approach

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to tell women hey you know what you can be yourself

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you can be who you want to be and not putting

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sex as right at the first thing you know like

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i think about it in a way that i feel like women

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who are gen z kind of have this thing this ability

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to get out there and and and ask for what they

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want and then you have the millennials who have

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been brought up almost in a different era yeah

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and you know like just understanding what we

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want like how do we even begin to get down that

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that road because if you haven't had the ability

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or the opportunity to experience things how would

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you know where you want to go and and how to

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get there In terms of your sexual satisfaction.

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Exactly. So I have worked with couples, you know,

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who came in to help to revive their passion.

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And then when I sit down with them and ask, so

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what turns you on? And then I get this blank

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look. Yeah. Right? Like, isn't it supposed like

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you do your foreplay, you do your huffing and

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kisses, your caresses, you strip and then...

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And that's it. And that's it. Right? So when

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I start, you know, probing and suggesting, then

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you start to see the facial expressions. Sometimes

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it's like that. Sometimes you get a shocked face

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and sometimes you go like, what? What is that?

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And sometimes a bit of a disgust or something

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like that. So that's how we kind of like expose

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the women that we work with to look at, you know,

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hey, maybe there's something for you to explore.

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Okay, maybe that's too much for you. Let's put

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it aside. Right? But the moment they can, they

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realize that, hey, you know, the sexual repertoire

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is huge. And that's when they start thinking.

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Right. So instead of just going to the same shop

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over and over again and buying the same set of

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clothes, now we have a buffet of clothes. Oh,

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man. Now we're going back to clothes. You know

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what I do? I will buy. I like one thing. I'm

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going to buy in like three different colors.

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But at least it's different colors. Right. A

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little different. Where do you think these beliefs

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actually come from? Is it a cultural thing? Is

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it a societal thing? Is it just, I don't know,

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is it a religious thing? Why do you think that

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women are, I feel, especially the women in their

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40s, because I think there is a bit of a shift

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between sort of mindset, between sort of, you

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know, old women and young women. Where is it

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all coming from? I think it's everything, right?

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You know, well, at least in Singapore, when we

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went to school, you know, sex ed was called abstinence.

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No, are you serious? Yeah, so they will show

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us videos or photos of like STDs, right? The

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infections with their bums, blisters and ulcers

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and whatnot. Wow. And then there was once, you

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know, we were even shown like picture of aborted

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feeders. Right. Okay, I do know you guys have

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the abortion video here. Wow. Do you know about

00:09:58.389 --> 00:10:00.250
this? I did not know this. So even now, even

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today, 2025, if you want to terminate a pregnancy,

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you have to, as an adult, by the way, this is

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not like something just for teens or whatever,

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you have to go to the clinic and watch a video.

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And you might be, this is the craziest part,

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right? I think you can be in a room with other

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people also terminating a pregnancy that day.

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That part I'm not sure, so double check me on

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that, Singapore. But I know for a fact you've

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got to sit there and watch that video. And that

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to me is crazy. And it sounds like the sex ed

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is kind of that same experience. Yes. Those of

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us in our 40s, you know, we grew up, you know,

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with abstinence as the main thing on sex education.

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Right. And then when we were first introduced

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to puberty and sanitary pads, they divide the

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class into girls and boys. I think they still

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do that. They still do that. They definitely

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still do that. So my kids are at a British school.

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And they did separate the boys and the girls.

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I mean, for maturity sake. My son is nine and

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he's going through puberty education. And I don't

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know how he would handle that in terms of being

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in a class with other girls. But I loved it.

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I just did a sex education class for an international

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school. We have both the genders together. Interesting.

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What age group? All the way. So from the year...

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Eight and nine, so you have like nine, ten years

00:11:18.259 --> 00:11:19.700
old. Okay, yeah. So I'll take your sign. Alright,

00:11:19.799 --> 00:11:22.360
alright. Oh, year 8 and 9. Wouldn't that be...

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No, that would be a bit older. That would be

00:11:23.580 --> 00:11:26.299
13, 14. Then we also have the ones that are about

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10 years old as well. We started from there.

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So that would be year 5 and 6. Yeah. Right. I

00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:33.139
thought it was amazing because, you know, they

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were asking very brilliant questions. And unlike

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the time I had where you were not allowed to

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ask questions. We were too shy to ask questions

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anyway. Give us some examples of the questions

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you heard that you were like, huh. Right. So

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I have, you know, this student in class that

00:11:47.559 --> 00:11:51.649
asked me, What is condom made of? Oh, interesting.

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That's a good question. It's a great question.

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Right. I mean, I thought it was great, you know,

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and then this other kid who has no idea what

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porn is, wanted to know what exactly is porn

00:12:00.590 --> 00:12:03.269
because, you know, when I said porn, right, the

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rest of the class was giggling. Right. And then

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there was this girl that, you know, asked, you

00:12:07.710 --> 00:12:10.799
know, is the first time really painful? I thought

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they were brilliant questions. These are excellent

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questions. And it shows how comfortable they

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are asking those questions. And these are questions

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we never had a chance to ask. And to be fair,

00:12:18.620 --> 00:12:21.139
I... You didn't even know. No, I didn't even

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have sex education at school and I grew up in

00:12:23.980 --> 00:12:26.740
the UK. And the reason was because it was one

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day and that day I was sick. No, get out. And

00:12:29.460 --> 00:12:32.789
so I missed it. So I had to... And I never think

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fast hand. Well, our sex ed was not one day.

00:12:36.149 --> 00:12:37.370
I don't remember how long. Let's say it was a

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week. Maybe it was a month. My memory is fuzzy.

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What I did not get from my sex education, though,

00:12:42.009 --> 00:12:44.769
which then obviously, you know, later in life

00:12:44.769 --> 00:12:48.370
was shocking. I did not understand that intercourse

00:12:48.370 --> 00:12:51.730
was like insertion. Yeah. So I thought it was

00:12:51.730 --> 00:12:55.080
a special hug. and so like when i found out that

00:12:55.080 --> 00:12:57.980
like a body part goes in a body part my mind

00:12:57.980 --> 00:13:01.960
like exploded i was like wait what like and that

00:13:01.960 --> 00:13:03.960
like not to be you know but i mean hey we're

00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:06.100
all it's an explicit podcast yeah like that that

00:13:06.100 --> 00:13:08.299
the female is like the receiver one i was like

00:13:08.299 --> 00:13:10.740
oh because like a special hug doesn't really

00:13:10.740 --> 00:13:13.879
make it clear yeah no so like it was like you

00:13:13.879 --> 00:13:16.120
know like something's gonna go inside me like

00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:20.649
my that was And it was scary because in the drama

00:13:20.649 --> 00:13:23.009
series that I used to watch as a kid, you know,

00:13:23.029 --> 00:13:24.789
they would have this scene where, you know, a

00:13:24.789 --> 00:13:27.440
newly married couple. right they will do their

00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:29.659
thing and then the next morning the sheets will

00:13:29.659 --> 00:13:31.720
have blood stains on oh yeah yeah they do the

00:13:31.720 --> 00:13:34.080
super dramatization right right and that's what

00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:36.059
in my head is in the first night of marriage

00:13:36.059 --> 00:13:38.220
you're going to be bleeding oh so that's going

00:13:38.220 --> 00:13:41.679
to be painful mysterious blood so you're like

00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:43.759
where does it come from why is it there then

00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:46.340
the next few scenes in the new episodes you have

00:13:46.340 --> 00:13:48.860
this girl who's giving birth and screaming away

00:13:48.860 --> 00:13:51.539
oh god yeah that was dramatized that too Not

00:13:51.539 --> 00:13:55.039
sad, did not scream away. I did. So in our heads,

00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:57.059
you know, growing up with all these things, it

00:13:57.059 --> 00:14:00.960
was like, sex is painful. Giving birth is painful.

00:14:01.500 --> 00:14:04.360
Right? It's going to be uncomfortable. You're

00:14:04.360 --> 00:14:05.860
not going to enjoy it. You're not going to enjoy

00:14:05.860 --> 00:14:07.639
it. And if you enjoyed it, you're probably a

00:14:07.639 --> 00:14:10.679
slut. Right? Because that's where these shows,

00:14:10.820 --> 00:14:12.799
you know, the girls go to clubbing and have lots

00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:14.860
of fun. And they end up getting drunk and drug

00:14:14.860 --> 00:14:17.720
and rape. Yeah. Right? In those shows. Yeah.

00:14:17.799 --> 00:14:20.330
Right? And then when... we talk about it in school,

00:14:20.389 --> 00:14:22.730
it's always harsh, harsh. Yeah. Right? And then

00:14:22.730 --> 00:14:24.950
you, for boys in boys school, it was really interesting.

00:14:25.450 --> 00:14:28.389
What I heard was, some of them were very entrepreneurial

00:14:28.389 --> 00:14:32.950
and then they copied the tapes and sell it in

00:14:32.950 --> 00:14:36.549
school. Oh, like the porn tapes? This is obviously

00:14:36.549 --> 00:14:38.509
in our day, like, like the youth, when we were

00:14:38.509 --> 00:14:43.870
youth. Yeah. Oh, wow. I mean, Props to them.

00:14:44.090 --> 00:14:46.070
Yeah. Yeah, so this is the sex education that

00:14:46.070 --> 00:14:48.009
we had, right? And then the teachers weren't

00:14:48.009 --> 00:14:50.509
going to answer you anything. Parents were like,

00:14:50.590 --> 00:14:52.490
oh, you can wait until you're an adult, then

00:14:52.490 --> 00:14:55.090
you will know about it. Yeah. Right? And young

00:14:55.090 --> 00:14:57.149
kids shouldn't know. So, like, with all this

00:14:57.149 --> 00:14:59.769
in our head, we start to question, what is really

00:14:59.769 --> 00:15:03.669
sex? Is it sex for people who are wild? Who are,

00:15:03.690 --> 00:15:06.870
like, bad? Who are delinquents? Right? And then

00:15:06.870 --> 00:15:09.169
if you're a good girl, right, therefore, you

00:15:09.169 --> 00:15:11.090
must be very prim and proper. You cannot express

00:15:11.090 --> 00:15:14.419
your desire. Right. And you cannot tell people

00:15:14.419 --> 00:15:17.840
that you enjoyed sex. And so then if we look

00:15:17.840 --> 00:15:21.460
at women who now like fast forward to, you know,

00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:24.200
women who are top of their career and confident

00:15:24.200 --> 00:15:26.740
and and, you know, know what they want in their

00:15:26.740 --> 00:15:29.440
life. How does that reflect in the bedroom? Do

00:15:29.440 --> 00:15:31.860
you find that then these are the women who are

00:15:31.860 --> 00:15:34.279
holding back because, you know, everything is

00:15:34.279 --> 00:15:38.139
is. and, you know, dumb the right way. Yeah,

00:15:38.200 --> 00:15:40.899
I do that. I see that a lot, right? Because,

00:15:40.899 --> 00:15:43.159
you know, when you have climbed the success ladder

00:15:43.159 --> 00:15:45.860
and you build this perfect image of who you are,

00:15:46.019 --> 00:15:48.700
right? And then if you're going to allow something

00:15:48.700 --> 00:15:51.740
to taint your image, that's not going to work.

00:15:51.940 --> 00:15:54.200
No. You're going to be like so particular, like,

00:15:54.240 --> 00:15:56.899
okay, I need to keep myself premium proper, right?

00:15:56.960 --> 00:15:58.919
Even if I have sex, it's because, you know, it's

00:15:58.919 --> 00:16:01.519
an obligation because this is how marriages work,

00:16:01.659 --> 00:16:03.899
right? And because, you know, I want to conceive,

00:16:03.960 --> 00:16:07.009
I'm going to have kids. And it's never about

00:16:07.009 --> 00:16:12.210
I'm letting myself loose to enjoy myself. So

00:16:12.210 --> 00:16:15.809
I did a women's program over two days. It was

00:16:15.809 --> 00:16:18.610
during COVID time, so it was online. We did a

00:16:18.610 --> 00:16:22.490
very simple exercise where we got women to appreciate

00:16:22.490 --> 00:16:24.669
their bodies. So we started with the hands, something

00:16:24.669 --> 00:16:27.850
very generic. And then as you move on to the

00:16:27.850 --> 00:16:31.590
genitals and the breasts, and then people start

00:16:31.590 --> 00:16:35.559
getting very emotional about it. Because they

00:16:35.559 --> 00:16:38.539
realised that they haven't really noticed this

00:16:38.539 --> 00:16:41.220
body part of theirs. It has always been just

00:16:41.220 --> 00:16:44.720
biological. They never had a relationship with

00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:47.600
this body part. They never truly embraced who

00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:50.700
they are as a full woman. It was always very

00:16:50.700 --> 00:16:54.259
functional. So breasts were for feeding. Yes.

00:16:54.279 --> 00:16:59.000
For your husband to grow up. Right? Yes. Wow.

00:16:59.860 --> 00:17:03.039
So what would you say then to women who like

00:17:03.039 --> 00:17:05.920
that? might not have ever explored their bodies

00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:08.279
before and might feel like you know what it's

00:17:08.279 --> 00:17:11.420
too late now I I've just you know gone my whole

00:17:11.420 --> 00:17:15.140
life satisfying my husband you know doing this

00:17:15.140 --> 00:17:17.619
as an obligation like you said because I'm married

00:17:17.619 --> 00:17:20.940
is there any way they can come back from that

00:17:20.940 --> 00:17:23.980
and actually make it so it's about them and they

00:17:23.980 --> 00:17:26.190
can enjoy that experience as well Of course,

00:17:26.190 --> 00:17:27.630
totally, right? I mean, that's why we're having

00:17:27.630 --> 00:17:30.529
this conversation, right? It's going to be hard

00:17:30.529 --> 00:17:33.009
at the start. So I would say, you know, you're

00:17:33.009 --> 00:17:36.230
going to start to reconnect with your body, right?

00:17:36.609 --> 00:17:38.410
Don't start with the parts that you're going

00:17:38.410 --> 00:17:42.130
to have the most resistance to, right? So if

00:17:42.130 --> 00:17:44.089
the genitals are just too much, don't have to

00:17:44.089 --> 00:17:47.910
go there first, right? So sometimes I do a guided

00:17:47.910 --> 00:17:50.190
mirror exercise with my clients where we just

00:17:50.190 --> 00:17:52.309
simply sit in front of the mirror. Like, are

00:17:52.309 --> 00:17:55.500
you nude? Not yet. Okay. Not yet. I was like,

00:17:55.579 --> 00:17:57.200
I think that's awesome. You're just like sitting

00:17:57.200 --> 00:17:58.799
there with like your blazer and your dress and

00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:01.900
she's just like straight nude. But we sit in

00:18:01.900 --> 00:18:03.359
front of the mirror. Yeah, we get there, right?

00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:05.180
Oh, so you do get there. You do get there. I

00:18:05.180 --> 00:18:07.099
mean, that will be their personal homework. Yeah.

00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:12.819
Okay. So lesson one. Yeah. But I do that with

00:18:12.819 --> 00:18:15.960
my clients who have painful intercourse and that's

00:18:15.960 --> 00:18:18.640
when I need to do an internal examination. I

00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:21.299
actually do it with the mirror. So I show them,

00:18:21.359 --> 00:18:23.539
this is like the anatomy. And then you'd be surprised

00:18:23.539 --> 00:18:26.720
how many women have never looked at their vulva

00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:29.940
before. And it was the first time when I actually

00:18:29.940 --> 00:18:31.359
showed them, they're like, oh, you mean this

00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:35.200
is how I look like? Yeah. So it's pretty mind

00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:37.680
-blowing. I know when you start on this journey

00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:40.019
of helping women find themselves, then you realize

00:18:40.019 --> 00:18:42.660
that there were so many gets. So the first thing

00:18:42.660 --> 00:18:44.119
that I usually do is to get people to sit in

00:18:44.119 --> 00:18:46.160
front of the mirror, look at just the body parts

00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:48.970
that are exposed. How do you feel about it? Is

00:18:48.970 --> 00:18:51.630
it positive? Is it negative? Is it neutral? Why,

00:18:51.650 --> 00:18:54.710
why, why? What's the story behind each body part?

00:18:55.049 --> 00:18:57.490
What about this body part? Can you appreciate?

00:18:57.869 --> 00:19:01.089
What has this body part done for you? So by getting

00:19:01.089 --> 00:19:05.289
them to go through a gratitude process, the awareness

00:19:05.289 --> 00:19:08.869
process, where they learned how to vocalize,

00:19:08.869 --> 00:19:11.579
verbalize, and gradually... touching the body

00:19:11.579 --> 00:19:15.039
parts to show love and connection. These are

00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:17.240
the little steps that I do with my clients such

00:19:17.240 --> 00:19:18.839
that they get more connected with their bodies

00:19:18.839 --> 00:19:21.740
and themselves. And then as they get more comfortable,

00:19:21.980 --> 00:19:24.640
they can go to the ones that are more sensitive.

00:19:25.759 --> 00:19:28.940
You mentioned painful sex. That's something that

00:19:28.940 --> 00:19:31.140
happens, I guess, for women in their 40s, especially

00:19:31.140 --> 00:19:34.359
during that sort of transitional phase of perimenopause.

00:19:34.680 --> 00:19:37.900
Now, what would you... advise obviously you're

00:19:37.900 --> 00:19:39.940
a medical doctor as well now what would you advise

00:19:39.940 --> 00:19:42.279
a woman who is struggling with painful sex whether

00:19:42.279 --> 00:19:44.700
that is related to perimenopause or maybe something

00:19:44.700 --> 00:19:47.599
completely different you know how do you approach

00:19:47.599 --> 00:19:50.220
that topic so essentially you have to look at

00:19:50.220 --> 00:19:52.539
you know is it happening every time is there

00:19:52.539 --> 00:19:56.140
a trigger is it just purely dryness so for some

00:19:56.140 --> 00:19:58.000
women it's just purely dryness and they were

00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:00.099
like okay let's just do make sure you have your

00:20:00.099 --> 00:20:03.579
lube There are daily moisturisers, daily vagina

00:20:03.579 --> 00:20:06.039
gel stick that's available that you can do to

00:20:06.039 --> 00:20:09.480
add in hyaluronic acid to the insides. No end

00:20:09.480 --> 00:20:11.859
to what hyaluronic acid can do. To the face,

00:20:12.000 --> 00:20:14.839
for the down below. I mean, I have it in my collagen.

00:20:15.619 --> 00:20:19.299
I have it in right now. Then I was like, dang,

00:20:19.359 --> 00:20:23.299
okay. No, no, no. It's like my collagen has hyaluronic

00:20:23.299 --> 00:20:26.039
acid and vitamin C. It's like, you know. Yes,

00:20:26.059 --> 00:20:28.019
it's the perfect formula that you need. Yeah,

00:20:28.039 --> 00:20:30.079
yeah. Also, sometimes if it's just pure dryness,

00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:32.140
you know, that will do the trick, right? But

00:20:32.140 --> 00:20:35.039
sometimes it's more than that, right? Why else

00:20:35.039 --> 00:20:37.440
could it be? Because I have worked with women

00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:40.690
who have birth traumas. Oh, yeah, girl. Right.

00:20:40.950 --> 00:20:43.289
So there's a group that, you know, we might miss

00:20:43.289 --> 00:20:46.829
because they have had kids 20 years ago and everything

00:20:46.829 --> 00:20:49.349
seems to be fine, but they have been enduring

00:20:49.349 --> 00:20:51.730
it. Yeah. It's just that when perimenopausal

00:20:51.730 --> 00:20:54.369
comes up, it becomes even more apparent. Yeah.

00:20:54.470 --> 00:20:57.170
And then I have women with undiagnosed endometriosis

00:20:57.170 --> 00:21:00.369
that, you know, seems to get worse at a certain

00:21:00.369 --> 00:21:02.569
point in time and they're worsened by the menopausal

00:21:02.569 --> 00:21:05.049
symptoms as well and then it comes in. Right.

00:21:05.210 --> 00:21:07.210
So a lot of times, there can be other things

00:21:07.210 --> 00:21:09.339
that we've been missing out. Right. And of course,

00:21:09.339 --> 00:21:12.160
you know, there's a relationship component. Right.

00:21:12.200 --> 00:21:14.839
And then sometimes, you know, I'm not sure whether,

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:18.160
you know, the women here notice like the longer

00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:21.299
you're married to somebody, the more flaws you

00:21:21.299 --> 00:21:25.220
seem to be seeing from the person. Well, I'm

00:21:25.220 --> 00:21:29.900
coming up to 17 years. Right. All this resentment

00:21:29.900 --> 00:21:32.259
builds up and we never talked about it because

00:21:32.259 --> 00:21:34.559
it's always so much easier to sit under the carpet

00:21:34.559 --> 00:21:36.779
and say, look, that's a small thing. Let me let

00:21:36.779 --> 00:21:40.019
it go. Let me let it go. But it doesn't, right?

00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:42.660
And over time, the intimacy and the connection

00:21:42.660 --> 00:21:45.599
with a partner actually dwindles, right? And

00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:48.920
then that can account for the reduce of arousal,

00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:51.200
right? And that can cause painful sex as well.

00:21:51.559 --> 00:21:54.420
Since day one, Guzmini Gomez has been on a mission

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I was just reading. I subscribed to this feminist

00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:56.880
newsletter. I'm probably going to murder her

00:22:56.880 --> 00:22:58.819
name. so I apologize if this author hears it.

00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:02.140
Her name is Zaun Villanes, like Dawn with a Z.

00:23:02.579 --> 00:23:06.140
And amazing, it's feminist motherhood. And she

00:23:06.140 --> 00:23:08.880
was talking about, she wrote an open letter to

00:23:08.880 --> 00:23:11.960
heterosexual men why your wife doesn't want to

00:23:11.960 --> 00:23:15.359
have sex with you. Wow. And it's like, in case

00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:17.660
you're wondering, you know, it's not necessarily,

00:23:17.859 --> 00:23:19.279
I mean, of course, it's hormonal factors, et

00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:21.480
cetera. Yeah, we all got that. But like, it's

00:23:21.480 --> 00:23:24.019
like, if you don't do shit around the house.

00:23:24.730 --> 00:23:27.589
If your wife is stressed beyond her limits because

00:23:27.589 --> 00:23:29.769
you don't pick up your end of the deal, if you

00:23:29.769 --> 00:23:31.849
sit around like a big slob when she's out there

00:23:31.849 --> 00:23:33.549
busting her ass in the gym taking care of herself,

00:23:33.809 --> 00:23:36.750
you can bet, bro, that she's not hopping into

00:23:36.750 --> 00:23:38.970
bed with you voluntarily. You know, like if she's

00:23:38.970 --> 00:23:41.210
doing it because she has to or feels like she

00:23:41.210 --> 00:23:43.210
has to, you know, in the marital bond, and she

00:23:43.210 --> 00:23:44.930
probably doesn't love it. Like if you don't uphold

00:23:44.930 --> 00:23:49.750
your end of the self -care deal, do not be surprised

00:23:49.750 --> 00:23:52.069
when your wife doesn't love having sex with you.

00:23:52.109 --> 00:23:54.460
And I think it was a... super powerful. I'll

00:23:54.460 --> 00:23:56.859
forward this to you. It's so good. Cause she,

00:23:56.859 --> 00:23:58.519
she, she wrote it first as a blog post and then

00:23:58.519 --> 00:24:00.319
she reframed it as a letter so that you could

00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:02.319
like literally show it to a heterosexual man

00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:04.099
and be like, Hey, just in case you don't see

00:24:04.099 --> 00:24:06.480
the writing on the wall, bro. Um, but the point

00:24:06.480 --> 00:24:08.539
is with all of that, I think you're absolutely

00:24:08.539 --> 00:24:10.539
right. I think a lot of women are having those

00:24:10.539 --> 00:24:12.880
symptoms of, um, you know, painful intercourse,

00:24:12.900 --> 00:24:15.359
lack of desire, you know, and, and they're looking

00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:18.480
for every medical reason in the book. When at

00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:21.039
the end of the day, it could be just like that

00:24:21.039 --> 00:24:23.400
dude's not making it feel real sexy in a relationship.

00:24:23.619 --> 00:24:25.920
Right. Because, you know, I have couples and

00:24:25.920 --> 00:24:28.400
there's this couple that left me a huge impression.

00:24:29.279 --> 00:24:31.740
Okay. And so I came in, you know, we had a few

00:24:31.740 --> 00:24:34.359
sessions. Things was improving. But then the

00:24:34.359 --> 00:24:36.940
husband didn't feel that it was up to mark because

00:24:36.940 --> 00:24:40.140
he was still not having his sex. Yeah. So the

00:24:40.140 --> 00:24:42.539
outcome was not, it was still no sex. Right.

00:24:43.529 --> 00:24:45.990
And then he got really upset and said, look,

00:24:46.150 --> 00:24:48.569
you know, things were working well in the first

00:24:48.569 --> 00:24:50.450
10 years of our marriage. I bring in the bacon,

00:24:50.650 --> 00:24:52.910
you take care of the kids. And now you're telling

00:24:52.910 --> 00:24:56.130
me that my EQ is low and I need to work on my

00:24:56.130 --> 00:24:58.890
EQ so that we have sex. Oh. Right. What's this

00:24:58.890 --> 00:25:02.089
about? Because their whole relationship was built

00:25:02.089 --> 00:25:05.009
a different way. Yes. And I guess from his perspective,

00:25:05.130 --> 00:25:06.890
he's like, well, you know, I've always been the

00:25:06.890 --> 00:25:08.990
breadwinner. And, you know, things are the same,

00:25:09.009 --> 00:25:12.009
but things are not the same. Yeah. Yeah. And

00:25:12.009 --> 00:25:15.329
breadwinning qualifies me for sex. Please, here's

00:25:15.329 --> 00:25:19.750
money. Now I get sex. But I think men do do that,

00:25:19.809 --> 00:25:22.369
honestly. And I don't want to call out men. Probably

00:25:22.369 --> 00:25:25.480
women. I don't know any women that do that. But

00:25:25.480 --> 00:25:27.039
let's just say like men, you know, I think a

00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:28.740
lot of times they're like, I take care of this

00:25:28.740 --> 00:25:31.299
family, therefore I get sex. And it's like that

00:25:31.299 --> 00:25:32.900
is, what do they call it, a false analogy or

00:25:32.900 --> 00:25:34.940
a false parallel or whatever? It's like that

00:25:34.940 --> 00:25:37.700
doesn't entitle you to sex in this relationship.

00:25:37.900 --> 00:25:39.400
Yeah, because they have this idea that, you know,

00:25:39.460 --> 00:25:42.460
if I am loving the family by providing, then

00:25:42.460 --> 00:25:45.319
you're going to love me back by providing this.

00:25:45.819 --> 00:25:48.599
thing called sex yes girl and then it confuses

00:25:48.599 --> 00:25:51.720
um the way that we view marriage relationship

00:25:51.720 --> 00:25:55.900
intimacy sex right if it's sex it's just an action

00:25:55.900 --> 00:25:58.519
fine it's a transaction but if you're looking

00:25:58.519 --> 00:26:01.539
at intimacy and sex, that's a whole different

00:26:01.539 --> 00:26:04.599
ballgame together. How do you build that connection?

00:26:04.819 --> 00:26:06.940
There's emotional base, there's spiritual base,

00:26:07.140 --> 00:26:09.440
right? And then, you know, like smart men, so

00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:11.500
there's an intellectual connection as well. Yeah,

00:26:11.519 --> 00:26:13.299
off air, we were talking about how Jasmine loves

00:26:13.299 --> 00:26:17.559
a smart dork. Yeah, I do. So if your husband

00:26:17.559 --> 00:26:19.240
is no longer connecting to you at intellectual

00:26:19.240 --> 00:26:21.819
level, at emotional level, at a spiritual level,

00:26:22.039 --> 00:26:24.579
then what sex are we talking about here? Yeah,

00:26:24.579 --> 00:26:26.299
because then it's just the physical act and there's

00:26:26.299 --> 00:26:30.019
no actual, I guess, yeah, like you said, relationship,

00:26:30.140 --> 00:26:32.640
connection, like the deeper meaning behind it,

00:26:32.700 --> 00:26:34.640
which is what I guess sex is all about. It's

00:26:34.640 --> 00:26:37.000
not just the physical, active being together.

00:26:37.519 --> 00:26:39.119
Did that guy ever get sex? Yeah, I want to know

00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:40.920
about this guy. Yeah, so this guy is like pissed

00:26:40.920 --> 00:26:42.539
that he has to have EQ now. He's pissed that

00:26:42.539 --> 00:26:44.299
he has to like, you know, be a full man. And

00:26:44.299 --> 00:26:47.259
then the interesting part was then the wife retired.

00:26:47.500 --> 00:26:49.079
I mean, I feel a bit bad because I think I've

00:26:49.079 --> 00:26:51.119
been empowering her too much in the sessions

00:26:51.119 --> 00:26:53.140
to speak up. No, girl, you let her rip. Right?

00:26:53.440 --> 00:26:56.680
So she actually said, you know what? With the

00:26:56.680 --> 00:26:58.650
money that you have right now, There'll be a

00:26:58.650 --> 00:27:01.029
line of girls queuing for you. Oh, shit. So she

00:27:01.029 --> 00:27:04.069
dropped the whole just like, hey, you want something

00:27:04.069 --> 00:27:07.609
different? Go get it. And then he shut up. Wow.

00:27:08.069 --> 00:27:10.410
So then, oh, I got to know what happened. Can

00:27:10.410 --> 00:27:12.420
you share what, like... Were there more sessions?

00:27:12.960 --> 00:27:14.180
Right. Yeah, I mean, there were more sessions.

00:27:14.220 --> 00:27:17.119
So it was like them easing out, you know, who

00:27:17.119 --> 00:27:19.500
they are as individuals, you know, how are they

00:27:19.500 --> 00:27:22.200
coming together as a couple and then working

00:27:22.200 --> 00:27:24.640
on their differences. Yeah. Right. So it's still

00:27:24.640 --> 00:27:26.819
a lot of work in progress because, you know,

00:27:26.819 --> 00:27:29.680
people don't come in like every week for sessions.

00:27:29.799 --> 00:27:32.099
They come in every one month, two months, whenever

00:27:32.099 --> 00:27:34.910
they feel like they have the time. So that is

00:27:34.910 --> 00:27:38.329
a problem when we put relationship as a non -parody

00:27:38.329 --> 00:27:41.269
because money -making is always a priority. You

00:27:41.269 --> 00:27:43.369
know, whenever there's a money -making cause,

00:27:43.609 --> 00:27:46.250
you see people sign up for it. Yeah. Right? Whenever

00:27:46.250 --> 00:27:49.109
there's a relationship -building cause, well,

00:27:49.130 --> 00:27:51.529
you kind of see that the numbers that comes in

00:27:51.529 --> 00:27:53.690
are really different. Interesting. Right? So

00:27:53.690 --> 00:27:58.289
I think in our very productive -driven society

00:27:58.289 --> 00:28:02.069
that we live in, right, we always put our productivity

00:28:02.069 --> 00:28:05.900
as a priority. How we run the household, how

00:28:05.900 --> 00:28:07.839
we run the family, how we run the relationship.

00:28:08.059 --> 00:28:10.779
And that's affected the way that we view intimacy.

00:28:11.450 --> 00:28:13.450
We had a previous guest just come in talking

00:28:13.450 --> 00:28:15.809
about therapy. And she said that she just has

00:28:15.809 --> 00:28:17.730
a standing appointment with her therapist every

00:28:17.730 --> 00:28:19.890
two weeks. Wow. And she said it's just like the

00:28:19.890 --> 00:28:21.450
gym. I mean, hopefully she goes to the gym more

00:28:21.450 --> 00:28:23.230
frequently than every two weeks. But meaning

00:28:23.230 --> 00:28:26.309
like, it's not like you go to the gym only when

00:28:26.309 --> 00:28:28.289
you need to be healthy. It's like, no, you go

00:28:28.289 --> 00:28:30.190
to the gym as an ongoing practice of self -care.

00:28:30.609 --> 00:28:32.809
That's how she sees her therapy. Amazing. Do

00:28:32.809 --> 00:28:35.450
you recommend that couples do something like

00:28:35.450 --> 00:28:37.170
that? I mean, I will. They don't have to pay

00:28:37.170 --> 00:28:40.650
a therapist per se, but they need to be concerned.

00:28:40.750 --> 00:28:43.650
connecting right there are plenty of scenario

00:28:43.650 --> 00:28:46.690
cards online that you can find right questions

00:28:46.690 --> 00:28:49.990
that you if you are a bad at questioning you

00:28:49.990 --> 00:28:52.230
know asking open -ended questions just go chat

00:28:52.230 --> 00:28:55.849
GPT ask for 10 yeah chat GPT therapy I'm sure

00:28:55.849 --> 00:28:58.230
like persons like yourself hate that shit where

00:28:58.230 --> 00:29:00.049
it's like oh yeah that'll fix it but it does

00:29:00.049 --> 00:29:02.890
help right if you have problems for regular maintenance

00:29:02.890 --> 00:29:05.309
and you don't want to pay 500 bucks for a therapist

00:29:05.309 --> 00:29:08.630
fine I get it right but are you doing something

00:29:08.630 --> 00:29:11.019
for yourself Right? I mean, you don't have to

00:29:11.019 --> 00:29:13.880
go to the personal trainer every day. Yeah. In

00:29:13.880 --> 00:29:16.099
fact, I agree with that. Yeah, I agree. You need

00:29:16.099 --> 00:29:17.859
to learn to lift weights on your own. Like, you

00:29:17.859 --> 00:29:19.900
got to learn how to squat, bro. Exactly. Like,

00:29:19.900 --> 00:29:22.259
you cannot pay $150 every time you got to squat.

00:29:22.460 --> 00:29:24.279
Yes. You got to learn it. Yes. So, the thing

00:29:24.279 --> 00:29:26.579
is, you know, there's no ownership in this aspect.

00:29:26.859 --> 00:29:28.920
You know, they expect relationships to work.

00:29:29.039 --> 00:29:32.980
Yeah. Right? Just by... big in the same household

00:29:32.980 --> 00:29:35.500
yeah fair and it's not going to be that way you

00:29:35.500 --> 00:29:37.579
know like you have to work at it you need to

00:29:37.579 --> 00:29:40.579
have the eq you need to have the communication

00:29:40.579 --> 00:29:43.819
you need there needs to be Give and take in both

00:29:43.819 --> 00:29:47.119
situations. I have to say my husband is way better

00:29:47.119 --> 00:29:50.480
than me at this. Not at the EQ part, no. I'm

00:29:50.480 --> 00:29:55.519
a PhD EQ, okay? No, but at taking time for just

00:29:55.519 --> 00:29:56.880
us, because we have three, I should definitely

00:29:56.880 --> 00:29:58.559
preface this, we have three little kids at home.

00:29:58.640 --> 00:30:00.539
So five, three, and one. So we have a whole house

00:30:00.539 --> 00:30:02.539
of kids all the time. And we also live with my

00:30:02.539 --> 00:30:05.079
in -laws, which is like, hey, love it, but also

00:30:05.079 --> 00:30:07.980
definitely a sex killer. It's like grandma and

00:30:07.980 --> 00:30:11.019
grandpa around the house. Anywho, he's so good

00:30:11.019 --> 00:30:13.400
about being like, it has been too, not about

00:30:13.400 --> 00:30:15.720
sex necessarily, but it's been too long since

00:30:15.720 --> 00:30:18.640
we have been alone as two humans. I love your

00:30:18.640 --> 00:30:21.400
date. Your date. Our date cards. That's him though.

00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:23.960
That's him. So we have the, we also have these

00:30:23.960 --> 00:30:26.160
date cards where it's like you scratch off and

00:30:26.160 --> 00:30:28.019
whatever the card says, you got to do it. And

00:30:28.019 --> 00:30:29.920
we like really do do it. Like we were just like,

00:30:30.140 --> 00:30:32.119
so our one right now is horseback riding. Our

00:30:32.119 --> 00:30:33.759
one right now is horseback riding. You have to

00:30:33.759 --> 00:30:36.059
understand my husband and I are from not horseback

00:30:36.059 --> 00:30:38.339
riding backgrounds. We had a patient yesterday

00:30:38.339 --> 00:30:40.240
be like, Like, just play polo. And I was like,

00:30:40.279 --> 00:30:42.799
bless her. Like, that we could just get on horses

00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:44.619
and play polo. Have I told you about my experience?

00:30:44.880 --> 00:30:47.980
On a horse? No, please. So, okay. So it was our

00:30:47.980 --> 00:30:50.440
honeymoon. And I'm that person who's like, right,

00:30:50.519 --> 00:30:52.440
we've got to do all of this stuff. You know,

00:30:52.460 --> 00:30:54.140
like, we're going to, you know, whatever it is.

00:30:54.160 --> 00:30:56.759
Jet ski and all that. Yes. My husband is not.

00:30:56.839 --> 00:30:58.900
He's like, I just want to chill. I want to read

00:30:58.900 --> 00:31:01.180
a book. You know, I don't want to. But I made

00:31:01.180 --> 00:31:04.779
him do horseback riding. He got the younger horse.

00:31:04.859 --> 00:31:07.400
I got the ex race. I don't know what they're

00:31:07.400 --> 00:31:08.799
called. You know what the race of horses called?

00:31:10.079 --> 00:31:11.660
Stallions? I don't know. No, I'm just making

00:31:11.660 --> 00:31:14.980
shit up. But my horse didn't like the fact that

00:31:14.980 --> 00:31:18.819
the other horse kept overtaking him. So my horse

00:31:18.819 --> 00:31:22.119
would then speed up. Fucking hell. My first time

00:31:22.119 --> 00:31:24.769
on a horse, I shut myself. Not literally. But

00:31:24.769 --> 00:31:26.730
fuck it. Oh, my God. I've not been on a horse

00:31:26.730 --> 00:31:29.670
and we got married 17 years ago since. OK, well,

00:31:29.769 --> 00:31:31.769
so I will report back once we get on horses.

00:31:31.829 --> 00:31:35.210
Oh, yeah. But he's so good about like we it's

00:31:35.210 --> 00:31:37.529
been enough time where we've been like just living

00:31:37.529 --> 00:31:39.710
in the chaos. We have to get out and be a couple

00:31:39.710 --> 00:31:41.890
again because I would just go forever. I would

00:31:41.890 --> 00:31:43.890
just go forever in the chaos. Honestly, I just

00:31:43.890 --> 00:31:46.799
you know, I'm so instrumental day to day. do

00:31:46.799 --> 00:31:48.759
the things do the bedtime like he's like we have

00:31:48.759 --> 00:31:51.779
to get out and be human beings again yeah I know

00:31:51.779 --> 00:31:54.539
so yeah but like really truly and I think somebody

00:31:54.539 --> 00:31:56.470
in the couple has to be that guy Because if it

00:31:56.470 --> 00:31:59.589
was up to me, we would never have done anything

00:31:59.589 --> 00:32:02.170
in our first six years. I have couples who come

00:32:02.170 --> 00:32:04.289
in the same situation. So one person is always

00:32:04.289 --> 00:32:07.210
that guy. And the other person appears to be

00:32:07.210 --> 00:32:09.829
not doing the couple work. And then the conflicts

00:32:09.829 --> 00:32:12.710
arise. Why is it always me holding on to the

00:32:12.710 --> 00:32:15.809
relationship? This relationship is us. Where

00:32:15.809 --> 00:32:19.089
are you? So I am that guy. I am the one who does

00:32:19.089 --> 00:32:21.509
all the stuff. You are Tyler. We've talked about

00:32:21.509 --> 00:32:24.190
this so many times and I'm on it. But I also

00:32:24.190 --> 00:32:26.049
know that my husband is not going to be the one

00:32:26.049 --> 00:32:29.069
who organizes things and does things. And now

00:32:29.069 --> 00:32:31.349
I have actually realized, well, do you know what?

00:32:32.150 --> 00:32:34.750
That's him. This is me. And actually, if I want

00:32:34.750 --> 00:32:36.990
these things done, I will do it. He's never going

00:32:36.990 --> 00:32:39.630
to say no. I just have to, you know, do it. And

00:32:39.630 --> 00:32:42.269
then I can do it my way. As an example, when

00:32:42.269 --> 00:32:45.150
he came to our wedding, I'm really thankful that

00:32:45.150 --> 00:32:46.809
he didn't want to get involved because it meant

00:32:46.809 --> 00:32:50.309
I got to do everything that I wanted for my wedding.

00:32:50.369 --> 00:32:52.099
And he didn't say no. He was like. Here you go.

00:32:52.119 --> 00:32:53.720
You do what you want. It's your wedding. It's

00:32:53.720 --> 00:32:56.980
our marriage. I love that because I've seen couples

00:32:56.980 --> 00:32:58.799
who argue over, no, this is what I want. This

00:32:58.799 --> 00:33:01.200
is what I want. So I've just realized most of

00:33:01.200 --> 00:33:03.619
everything that happens in our relationship is

00:33:03.619 --> 00:33:05.880
what I want. Yeah. I think happy wife, happy

00:33:05.880 --> 00:33:08.619
life is like a real thing, I think. The happy

00:33:08.619 --> 00:33:11.180
wife, happy life thing. Yes, it works that way.

00:33:11.339 --> 00:33:14.420
But then again, a lot of times, I guess, man

00:33:14.420 --> 00:33:17.779
has a problem figuring it out. What actually

00:33:17.779 --> 00:33:20.539
makes my wife happy? Yes. Oh, yeah. I have to

00:33:20.539 --> 00:33:23.000
be very specific and say what I like, what I

00:33:23.000 --> 00:33:25.299
want. Because otherwise, he just wouldn't. Yeah.

00:33:25.440 --> 00:33:27.599
But you're right. I think that's a big deal.

00:33:27.779 --> 00:33:29.559
Yeah, it is. And then, you know, the couples

00:33:29.559 --> 00:33:31.440
I'm seeing in my room, you know, both of them

00:33:31.440 --> 00:33:33.119
are struggling to tell each other what they want.

00:33:33.880 --> 00:33:36.019
Is that a communication issue though? It's more

00:33:36.019 --> 00:33:38.519
than communication. It's also like understanding

00:33:38.519 --> 00:33:42.019
yourself. And then after that, being able to

00:33:42.019 --> 00:33:44.599
say, hey, this is what I really want without

00:33:44.599 --> 00:33:46.880
feeling embarrassed about it. Because, you know,

00:33:46.900 --> 00:33:48.880
in the Asian culture, things are very different.

00:33:49.079 --> 00:33:52.420
You wait to be approved, right? You don't fight

00:33:52.420 --> 00:33:55.700
for approval. Interesting. Yeah. So a lot of

00:33:55.700 --> 00:33:58.619
times we will quietly do our work. right and

00:33:58.619 --> 00:34:01.279
hopefully the teacher spot us i will notice because

00:34:01.279 --> 00:34:02.839
we don't want to we don't want to be the one

00:34:02.839 --> 00:34:05.779
seen shouting out look at me look at me yes but

00:34:05.779 --> 00:34:08.260
you know i want you to acknowledge that i am

00:34:08.260 --> 00:34:11.280
doing what's correct so yeah i can totally see

00:34:11.280 --> 00:34:14.199
that yeah have you ever had a couple where you

00:34:14.199 --> 00:34:16.099
get them to the point where they actually kind

00:34:16.099 --> 00:34:18.500
of peel back the onion and they both say what

00:34:18.500 --> 00:34:22.239
they really want sexually and then and then that

00:34:22.239 --> 00:34:24.500
is not the same thing or it's not a compatible

00:34:24.500 --> 00:34:27.340
thing it happens but sometimes you know if things

00:34:27.340 --> 00:34:29.960
are planted well they go to see oh this is what

00:34:29.960 --> 00:34:32.039
you want i didn't realize why didn't you tell

00:34:32.039 --> 00:34:35.800
me right so for example you know most guys like

00:34:35.800 --> 00:34:39.039
blowjobs yeah for example let me pull one example

00:34:39.039 --> 00:34:42.800
dudes like blowjobs you are not wrong right well

00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:44.599
the husband was happily receiving and the wife

00:34:44.599 --> 00:34:46.679
was happily giving but then it was during the

00:34:46.679 --> 00:34:49.659
session that we recognized that Actually, you

00:34:49.659 --> 00:34:52.519
know, blowjob was not his number one. But the

00:34:52.519 --> 00:34:54.840
wife always thought it was the number one because

00:34:54.840 --> 00:34:56.880
it's the number one for most guys. Interesting,

00:34:57.099 --> 00:35:01.840
yeah. Right? So what he enjoyed more was actually

00:35:01.840 --> 00:35:06.320
giving her oral sex. Wow. Oh, okay. Right. Yes.

00:35:06.920 --> 00:35:10.840
That's why he's marriage material. Right? And

00:35:10.840 --> 00:35:13.019
then on the other hand, the wife was struggling

00:35:13.019 --> 00:35:14.920
because, you know, in the whole Asian culture,

00:35:15.119 --> 00:35:18.619
down there, it's always dirty. Right? And if

00:35:18.619 --> 00:35:20.800
I'm not washed, if I'm not cleaned, don't go

00:35:20.800 --> 00:35:24.519
near me. Right? And then every time, you know,

00:35:24.559 --> 00:35:26.340
there has to be a ritual that, you know, she

00:35:26.340 --> 00:35:28.739
cleans herself properly before sex happens. Oh,

00:35:28.760 --> 00:35:30.639
that's interesting. See, I didn't, this is new

00:35:30.639 --> 00:35:33.599
to me. Is this an Indian thing too? Yes. it is

00:35:33.599 --> 00:35:36.099
so like you have to go through like like it's

00:35:36.099 --> 00:35:38.340
it basically you got to be stepping out of the

00:35:38.340 --> 00:35:40.920
shower yes in that immediate moment and then

00:35:40.920 --> 00:35:42.440
then that would be when that stuff could occur

00:35:42.440 --> 00:35:44.019
right and then you know with kiss and everything

00:35:44.019 --> 00:35:46.099
that's not going to happen every time no because

00:35:46.099 --> 00:35:49.519
life right and then she ends up rejecting him

00:35:50.659 --> 00:35:54.239
Oh, like, I haven't showered. Yeah, we can just,

00:35:54.239 --> 00:35:56.340
you know, do the usual, you know, don't go down

00:35:56.340 --> 00:35:58.920
there, you know, that kind of thing. And then,

00:35:58.940 --> 00:36:01.780
you know, this unknowingly was causing a lot

00:36:01.780 --> 00:36:03.880
of mismatch in the relationship. And then the

00:36:03.880 --> 00:36:06.800
sexual satisfaction went down, you know, work

00:36:06.800 --> 00:36:10.179
piles up, the kids... chores piles up you know

00:36:10.179 --> 00:36:13.119
and then things dwindle so when we actually start

00:36:13.119 --> 00:36:15.579
going back like you know what happened did something

00:36:15.579 --> 00:36:18.460
happen somewhere before that made you feel that

00:36:18.460 --> 00:36:21.820
sex is no longer that pleasurable right and then

00:36:21.820 --> 00:36:24.059
it came down to this point like you know the

00:36:24.059 --> 00:36:26.079
husband said actually you know thinking back

00:36:26.079 --> 00:36:28.519
i felt rejected because you know i was very happy

00:36:28.519 --> 00:36:31.400
to offer but you know she's always saying no

00:36:31.400 --> 00:36:35.079
oh wow that's so interesting right that is interesting

00:36:35.079 --> 00:36:38.219
like i yeah the hygiene norms thing and then

00:36:38.219 --> 00:36:40.400
it becomes like you know it's like that's like

00:36:40.400 --> 00:36:42.179
you said it's basically like two ships passing

00:36:42.179 --> 00:36:44.300
in the night that actually want the same thing

00:36:44.300 --> 00:36:45.920
but like you know she's backing down because

00:36:45.920 --> 00:36:47.960
she thinks this one thing and he's you know thinking

00:36:47.960 --> 00:36:49.880
she's enjoying this other thing yeah so it's

00:36:49.880 --> 00:36:51.840
not that they are not communicating but they

00:36:51.840 --> 00:36:55.840
have no awareness of where there was a non -communication

00:36:55.840 --> 00:36:58.920
because it's happened it happened so subtly right

00:36:58.920 --> 00:37:00.539
and then there was a lot of assumptions like

00:37:00.800 --> 00:37:02.800
I want the best for my partner. It's not that

00:37:02.800 --> 00:37:04.760
I don't want anything for myself, but we're always

00:37:04.760 --> 00:37:07.300
putting our partners on a priority. But we miss

00:37:07.300 --> 00:37:09.960
like, what exactly is a priority? Talking about

00:37:09.960 --> 00:37:12.719
priorities now, I think when it comes to women,

00:37:12.780 --> 00:37:15.239
again, in their 40s, you know, either work is

00:37:15.239 --> 00:37:17.460
more important or kids are more important. How

00:37:17.460 --> 00:37:19.159
do you make your relationship more important?

00:37:20.459 --> 00:37:22.659
Oh, that's a tough one. It is a tough one. It's

00:37:22.659 --> 00:37:25.159
a tough one. Right. So a lot of times because,

00:37:25.219 --> 00:37:26.860
you know, when we get married, if there's certificate,

00:37:27.179 --> 00:37:29.599
we have this assumption that, you know, till

00:37:29.599 --> 00:37:32.519
death do us part. Right. So no matter what I

00:37:32.519 --> 00:37:34.619
do or don't do, we're only going to part when

00:37:34.619 --> 00:37:37.760
we die. Yeah. Yeah. I do remind Tyler that all

00:37:37.760 --> 00:37:39.619
the time. It's like you're stuck with me till

00:37:39.619 --> 00:37:42.059
you die. Figure it out. So a lot of times because

00:37:42.059 --> 00:37:44.800
of this confirmation that we have, people stop

00:37:44.800 --> 00:37:47.400
putting in extra effort to keep and maintain

00:37:47.400 --> 00:37:50.570
the relationship. Right? And then it's only when

00:37:50.570 --> 00:37:53.010
we start to sit down and look like, hey, you

00:37:53.010 --> 00:37:55.030
know, how are you feeling in the last 10 years?

00:37:55.170 --> 00:37:57.610
In the last 15 years? Or the last 20 years? How

00:37:57.610 --> 00:37:59.610
do you feel about how things are like for you?

00:38:00.170 --> 00:38:03.309
And then as they have that moment to reflect,

00:38:03.449 --> 00:38:07.510
they go like, oh, right. I actually feel alone.

00:38:08.710 --> 00:38:11.969
Right? You know, there's this very busy household.

00:38:12.210 --> 00:38:13.989
There's two of us. There's the kids. There's

00:38:13.989 --> 00:38:16.130
the helper. You know, there's so much activities.

00:38:16.150 --> 00:38:19.199
We go... overseas you know every two three months

00:38:19.199 --> 00:38:23.340
there's always a family outing but yeah i'm actually

00:38:23.340 --> 00:38:27.219
alone down there right and and this is this moment

00:38:27.219 --> 00:38:29.860
that people start realizing that they haven't

00:38:29.860 --> 00:38:34.230
been connecting So you kind of need to get them

00:38:34.230 --> 00:38:37.110
to see that they really want and desire that

00:38:37.110 --> 00:38:40.369
connection. It's not just about, hey, you can

00:38:40.369 --> 00:38:42.610
do it, come on, let me give you 10 strategies

00:38:42.610 --> 00:38:44.610
of how to improve your relationship and then

00:38:44.610 --> 00:38:48.230
I'm quite sure you can get it going. So a lot

00:38:48.230 --> 00:38:51.909
of times it's to help them uncover what's really

00:38:51.909 --> 00:38:54.510
going on inside them. What are they really struggling

00:38:54.510 --> 00:38:56.969
with and what is it that they want in a relationship

00:38:56.969 --> 00:38:59.789
before people actually put in effort to make

00:38:59.789 --> 00:39:02.480
relationships work. What are like the top three

00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:04.320
struggles that you see with women in their 40s?

00:39:04.320 --> 00:39:06.679
Like we are assuming that, I'm assuming I should

00:39:06.679 --> 00:39:10.980
say, I think maybe together, is work stuff, kids

00:39:10.980 --> 00:39:14.559
stuff, libido. The one thing that kind of push

00:39:14.559 --> 00:39:17.860
women into that direction is like, we need to

00:39:17.860 --> 00:39:22.099
be a super mom, a super boss at work, a super

00:39:22.099 --> 00:39:25.739
manager, right? And a super everything. Because

00:39:25.739 --> 00:39:28.739
in this era, we are taught that, you know, women

00:39:28.739 --> 00:39:31.599
cannot stand up to be equals as men. So we need

00:39:31.599 --> 00:39:34.119
to fight for every opportunity to be that equal,

00:39:34.280 --> 00:39:37.920
right? If we're not doing well at home, you're

00:39:37.920 --> 00:39:40.480
not doing well at work, we can't be that equal.

00:39:40.960 --> 00:39:44.679
So that desire for us to show up constantly in

00:39:44.679 --> 00:39:47.840
all areas of your life drives us crazy. It's

00:39:47.840 --> 00:39:49.780
exhausting, isn't it? Yeah. Think about it. If

00:39:49.780 --> 00:39:52.539
you've got to be number one in every aspect of

00:39:52.539 --> 00:39:54.900
your life, fucking hell. Yeah, it's too much

00:39:54.900 --> 00:39:57.099
pressure. And I think, you know, men just don't

00:39:57.099 --> 00:39:58.760
have it. And I don't want to make this whole

00:39:58.760 --> 00:40:01.420
episode about men and women. But honestly, if

00:40:01.420 --> 00:40:03.039
a man's not holding up his end of the deal at

00:40:03.039 --> 00:40:05.860
home, no one's like, oh, you're a crap dad. Obviously,

00:40:06.500 --> 00:40:07.800
if you're not showing up for your kids at all.

00:40:07.900 --> 00:40:09.659
But you know what I mean? For women, it's like

00:40:09.659 --> 00:40:11.880
the second you do something for yourself, it's

00:40:11.880 --> 00:40:15.539
like, and where are her kids? And who's taking

00:40:15.539 --> 00:40:17.699
care of the kids, sweetheart? Men don't get those

00:40:17.699 --> 00:40:20.940
stupid questions. So it's very evident. Don't

00:40:20.940 --> 00:40:23.019
mind me sharing here. Recently was Mother's Day

00:40:23.019 --> 00:40:26.289
and Father's Day. Right, so my kid is in her

00:40:26.289 --> 00:40:30.170
final year of kindergarten. K2. Yeah, K2, right.

00:40:30.289 --> 00:40:31.889
So the school is really nice. You know, they

00:40:31.889 --> 00:40:35.510
organize mommy's only event for mommies. And

00:40:35.510 --> 00:40:38.550
then they organize a daddy's event only for daddies

00:40:38.550 --> 00:40:41.030
to come around for Father's Day. And guess what?

00:40:41.670 --> 00:40:44.050
Right, on Mother's Day, you know, 90 % of the

00:40:44.050 --> 00:40:46.889
mommies showed up. Oh, did the dads not show?

00:40:47.269 --> 00:40:50.230
And then on Father's Day... we have like, you

00:40:50.230 --> 00:40:53.210
know, 40 % of the mommies show up instead of

00:40:53.210 --> 00:40:56.449
the daddies. Are you serious? Right? Because

00:40:56.449 --> 00:41:00.530
it's like, it's so easy for a man to say, hey,

00:41:00.530 --> 00:41:02.269
you know, I'm traveling for work. I'm going to

00:41:02.269 --> 00:41:06.690
miss this. Right? But for a mom to say, hey,

00:41:06.750 --> 00:41:08.750
I need to work. You know, I got to miss this

00:41:08.750 --> 00:41:11.769
event for my kid. It's too much for us to handle.

00:41:11.949 --> 00:41:14.670
We just want to be there for all these major

00:41:14.670 --> 00:41:16.949
milestones of our kids. Yeah, it's so interesting.

00:41:17.579 --> 00:41:20.099
Because our school does the same thing. And you

00:41:20.099 --> 00:41:21.340
know what I thought was actually really cute

00:41:21.340 --> 00:41:24.219
and kind of feminist -y? Was at the Mother's

00:41:24.219 --> 00:41:26.619
Day event, one of the moms, so this one mom,

00:41:26.719 --> 00:41:28.280
her name also happens to be Amanda, which is

00:41:28.280 --> 00:41:31.239
why I know her. She has four kids. The youngest

00:41:31.239 --> 00:41:33.519
one is the one in my kids' class. And so she

00:41:33.519 --> 00:41:35.360
ain't got time for squat, right? She works full

00:41:35.360 --> 00:41:37.219
-time, four kids. So she actually sent the eldest

00:41:37.219 --> 00:41:39.929
daughter. as like the proxy and I thought that

00:41:39.929 --> 00:41:42.269
was so sweet and she did the little presentation

00:41:42.269 --> 00:41:44.789
you know like about like it was just really cute

00:41:44.789 --> 00:41:46.710
it was really cute so it's like but I hear what

00:41:46.710 --> 00:41:49.369
you're saying like dad's not showing and it's

00:41:49.369 --> 00:41:52.070
like oh yeah yeah it's like oh it's legit it's

00:41:52.070 --> 00:41:53.969
fine yeah if Aman doesn't show it's like where

00:41:53.969 --> 00:41:56.750
was she yeah what's what's more important to

00:41:56.750 --> 00:42:00.170
her you know yeah so we carry that not just as

00:42:00.170 --> 00:42:03.320
a society but as an individual yeah So when we

00:42:03.320 --> 00:42:06.980
have to be that superwoman in everything, the

00:42:06.980 --> 00:42:12.059
libido is going to drop. And then amazingly,

00:42:12.360 --> 00:42:16.320
I was introduced recently to this sex toy. It

00:42:16.320 --> 00:42:19.119
gets you there in like three minutes. Wow. Can

00:42:19.119 --> 00:42:21.099
you share the name of this sex toy? I'll even

00:42:21.099 --> 00:42:22.280
put it in the show notes. Can you put it in the

00:42:22.280 --> 00:42:24.940
show notes? Yeah, honestly, if you don't mind.

00:42:25.309 --> 00:42:28.070
It's a womanizer. It's a third generation one.

00:42:28.110 --> 00:42:30.309
So they have the 3D wave and it really simulates

00:42:30.309 --> 00:42:33.369
the clitoris really well. I think I haven't.

00:42:33.590 --> 00:42:36.650
I've heard of it. I was recently at a menopause

00:42:36.650 --> 00:42:40.150
event. They gave us a womanizer toy. Right. It

00:42:40.150 --> 00:42:41.969
may be this one. I'm embarrassed to admit I haven't

00:42:41.969 --> 00:42:45.690
opened the box yet. Oh, I'm so lame. But that's

00:42:45.690 --> 00:42:48.250
interesting. Okay, womanizer. Okay, sponsor us.

00:42:49.070 --> 00:42:52.489
So what I realized is that, you know, yes, women

00:42:52.489 --> 00:42:55.400
have access to all this. right we can get a quick

00:42:55.400 --> 00:42:59.239
fix if you want to but deep down you know who

00:42:59.239 --> 00:43:02.840
we are as women who are we right what do we really

00:43:02.840 --> 00:43:07.500
want to actually enjoy this womanhood right and

00:43:07.500 --> 00:43:11.300
then as we age you know and well you know the

00:43:11.300 --> 00:43:13.480
body's going to change and how do we embrace

00:43:13.480 --> 00:43:16.519
the change how do we deal with you know saggy

00:43:16.519 --> 00:43:19.880
boobs right how do we deal with like you know,

00:43:19.880 --> 00:43:22.539
the dryness, how we deal with, you know, my hair

00:43:22.539 --> 00:43:24.619
turning white, you know, like, like things like

00:43:24.619 --> 00:43:27.000
that. So, so if all these transitions, I think

00:43:27.000 --> 00:43:30.920
a big thing that women of 40s need to start recognising

00:43:30.920 --> 00:43:35.880
is like, who are we underneath the shell? Yeah.

00:43:36.380 --> 00:43:39.860
Grey blending, push -up bras, hyaluronic acid.

00:43:40.139 --> 00:43:44.769
Yeah, hyaluronic acid, definite vote. So obviously,

00:43:44.929 --> 00:43:46.929
you've mentioned the womanizer and you said it'll

00:43:46.929 --> 00:43:48.869
get you there in three minutes. But I actually

00:43:48.869 --> 00:43:52.869
think having an orgasm and actually having sex

00:43:52.869 --> 00:43:55.010
with your partner is a very different experience

00:43:55.010 --> 00:43:57.289
because it's not just about the orgasm. It's

00:43:57.289 --> 00:43:59.730
about that connection between the two people.

00:43:59.809 --> 00:44:01.670
So yes, I mean, you know, getting there in three

00:44:01.670 --> 00:44:06.070
minutes, amazing. But actually, I think the whole

00:44:06.070 --> 00:44:08.670
point of a relationship is that it should be

00:44:08.670 --> 00:44:12.679
more than just that. Yes. It's not something

00:44:12.679 --> 00:44:14.539
that happens only in the bedroom. It has happened

00:44:14.539 --> 00:44:18.619
on a daily basis. Right? I mean, if you're having,

00:44:18.619 --> 00:44:22.639
you know, Coke, fries and burger every day. Yeah.

00:44:22.719 --> 00:44:25.739
Oh, that's going to suck your libido. Right?

00:44:25.840 --> 00:44:27.719
And then one day you proclaim that I'm going

00:44:27.719 --> 00:44:30.460
to be healthy and then you do a great balance

00:44:30.460 --> 00:44:32.599
meal for the day, your body still won't be in

00:44:32.599 --> 00:44:34.679
a shape. Correct. That's such a great analogy.

00:44:34.940 --> 00:44:38.039
Right? So in relationship, it has to be something

00:44:38.039 --> 00:44:40.500
that happens every day. So one of the things

00:44:40.500 --> 00:44:44.039
that I always propose to couples is flirt every

00:44:44.039 --> 00:44:46.719
day. When was the last time you actually flirt

00:44:46.719 --> 00:44:49.860
with your partner? I mean, my partner, he sends

00:44:49.860 --> 00:44:53.039
me thirst traps all the time. Like he always

00:44:53.039 --> 00:44:55.199
sends me gym selfies and like it was a six pack

00:44:55.199 --> 00:44:56.900
all out. So like I would say he flirts with me

00:44:56.900 --> 00:44:59.900
quite a bit. That crazy guy. But no, but you're

00:44:59.900 --> 00:45:01.739
right, though. Like the day to day you lose it

00:45:01.739 --> 00:45:03.480
sometimes. Yeah. Like you absolutely it just

00:45:03.480 --> 00:45:06.500
gets buried beneath everything. And yeah, like

00:45:06.500 --> 00:45:09.380
we had we talked to somebody about sex in I think

00:45:09.380 --> 00:45:11.940
season one of this podcast. And I said something

00:45:11.940 --> 00:45:15.099
like when sex falls down your to do list. And

00:45:15.099 --> 00:45:17.239
she was like, does it have to be on a to -do

00:45:17.239 --> 00:45:19.420
list? You know, like, is it even that instrumental

00:45:19.420 --> 00:45:22.179
a task? Like, meaning like, can't it be more

00:45:22.179 --> 00:45:24.320
organic and in the thread of your relationship

00:45:24.320 --> 00:45:26.739
versus like tick, tick, tick on the list? So

00:45:26.739 --> 00:45:29.619
when couples struggle with their sex life, you

00:45:29.619 --> 00:45:31.780
know, one of the things that I do prescribe is

00:45:31.780 --> 00:45:34.900
schedule it. Yeah. Right. As much as it doesn't

00:45:34.900 --> 00:45:37.139
sound sexy, but what I'm saying scheduling is

00:45:37.139 --> 00:45:39.980
not scheduling the intercourse. I'm saying scheduling

00:45:39.980 --> 00:45:43.679
the time to connect. Right. It don't have to

00:45:43.679 --> 00:45:47.289
be intercourse. It can just be something sensational,

00:45:47.690 --> 00:45:51.389
right? More sexually driven, but not intercourse.

00:45:51.530 --> 00:45:53.869
When was the last time you actually put in effort

00:45:53.869 --> 00:45:57.190
to make it work? If your calendar is filled with

00:45:57.190 --> 00:46:00.510
multiple events and meetings, are you saying

00:46:00.510 --> 00:46:03.130
that your couple life don't even deserve a space

00:46:03.130 --> 00:46:05.750
on the calendar? So you talked about prescribing,

00:46:05.789 --> 00:46:08.610
which obviously means that you're a doctor. How

00:46:08.610 --> 00:46:11.630
did you go from medical doctor, obviously in

00:46:11.630 --> 00:46:16.000
an Asian society, to being... A sexologist. How

00:46:16.000 --> 00:46:18.639
did that transition happen? I would say it was

00:46:18.639 --> 00:46:21.400
really a lot of turns to the event. So there

00:46:21.400 --> 00:46:23.639
was this period of time in my career that I was

00:46:23.639 --> 00:46:25.800
working in a GP clinic. And then this 80 -year

00:46:25.800 --> 00:46:28.699
-old man came and asked me for Viagra. Wow. Oh,

00:46:28.699 --> 00:46:33.769
hey. Again, get a grandpa. That was like... all

00:46:33.769 --> 00:46:35.809
right, you know, what am I supposed to do with

00:46:35.809 --> 00:46:37.250
it? Like, you know, I can go through all the

00:46:37.250 --> 00:46:38.710
questions and make sure that he's physically

00:46:38.710 --> 00:46:41.469
well and he's not going to like, you know, pass

00:46:41.469 --> 00:46:43.710
out. Yeah, have a heart attack on him. Like things.

00:46:43.929 --> 00:46:46.849
I mean, it's happened. So that was the only thing

00:46:46.849 --> 00:46:49.650
in my head that I was concerned about. And then

00:46:49.650 --> 00:46:51.730
there was me feeling awkward and everything.

00:46:51.929 --> 00:46:54.050
So on hindsight, I should have asked things like,

00:46:54.190 --> 00:46:56.789
oh, you know, who's your sex partner or partners?

00:46:57.070 --> 00:46:59.670
You know, is it safe for you? Right, in case

00:46:59.670 --> 00:47:01.730
you're in trouble, you know, who can call for

00:47:01.730 --> 00:47:03.840
help? You know, that, And then do you have any

00:47:03.840 --> 00:47:06.139
protection and things like that? So there were

00:47:06.139 --> 00:47:08.260
so many more questions that I could have asked,

00:47:08.360 --> 00:47:10.420
but I didn't because I wasn't educated enough.

00:47:10.719 --> 00:47:12.780
Right? The aspect. Because with a master's in

00:47:12.780 --> 00:47:14.599
medicine, it doesn't get you far in that area.

00:47:14.800 --> 00:47:17.480
Yeah. Right? And then I had this couple who had

00:47:17.480 --> 00:47:20.000
just delivered their baby. So the guy in the

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:22.119
head said, oh, you know, things are great. You

00:47:22.119 --> 00:47:25.519
can resume sex. And they came to me and asked

00:47:25.519 --> 00:47:30.320
me, how do we start? Oh. And I'm like, don't

00:47:30.320 --> 00:47:34.199
you just start? Yeah. So there are a lot of questions.

00:47:34.340 --> 00:47:36.099
Then, you know, I have menopausal women coming

00:47:36.099 --> 00:47:38.579
to me, telling me about things. I have people

00:47:38.579 --> 00:47:40.380
who are just coming for a simple flu and then

00:47:40.380 --> 00:47:43.219
suddenly we're talking about low libido and miscarriages.

00:47:43.440 --> 00:47:47.059
Wow. I'm like, this is so uncharted territory.

00:47:47.219 --> 00:47:49.440
You know, it's either I'm going to figure it

00:47:49.440 --> 00:47:52.099
out, you know, or we're going to lose all these

00:47:52.099 --> 00:47:55.159
patients who are asking for help. Yeah. So that

00:47:55.159 --> 00:47:58.579
was kind of like... the reason why I started

00:47:58.579 --> 00:48:01.679
to go more into it. And then as I went more into

00:48:01.679 --> 00:48:03.880
it, I realized there were more and more gaps.

00:48:04.260 --> 00:48:08.519
And then I was like, okay, if there's not enough

00:48:08.519 --> 00:48:11.079
people providing this service, can I do something

00:48:11.079 --> 00:48:13.380
about it? Can I change things? And that was how

00:48:13.380 --> 00:48:15.920
I started my journey. Wow. And did that 80 -year

00:48:15.920 --> 00:48:18.699
-old guy get his Viagra? Yeah. Yeah, he did.

00:48:18.780 --> 00:48:22.159
And he's still with us today. I hope he is. I

00:48:22.159 --> 00:48:25.869
really hope he is. For someone who... you know

00:48:25.869 --> 00:48:31.030
has struggled with getting back onto having sex

00:48:31.030 --> 00:48:34.349
say after a while of not having sex what steps

00:48:34.349 --> 00:48:37.570
could they take to sort of get back out there

00:48:37.570 --> 00:48:40.530
and you know and this could be for say let's

00:48:40.530 --> 00:48:41.889
say someone's been in a long -term relationship

00:48:41.889 --> 00:48:44.230
and then in their 40s maybe they went through

00:48:44.230 --> 00:48:46.349
a divorce so you know they they were in a relationship

00:48:46.349 --> 00:48:48.409
they probably didn't have sex during that you

00:48:48.409 --> 00:48:51.530
know for a while they got divorced and now there's

00:48:51.530 --> 00:48:55.340
a lady and she's ready to mingle yeah She's single

00:48:55.340 --> 00:48:57.820
and ready to mingle. How can she do that? Okay,

00:48:57.880 --> 00:48:59.900
I would say, first and foremost, be comfortable

00:48:59.900 --> 00:49:03.000
with who you are. Yeah. Right? Because divorce

00:49:03.000 --> 00:49:05.579
does leave emotional baggage. Has that been handled?

00:49:06.139 --> 00:49:10.019
Right? Because once the state is ready, the physical

00:49:10.019 --> 00:49:13.019
body follows after. If the internal state is

00:49:13.019 --> 00:49:15.320
still in a flustering state, it's still in a

00:49:15.320 --> 00:49:18.199
self -dub state, like, even if we put ourselves

00:49:18.199 --> 00:49:20.320
out there, we're not going to look very attractive.

00:49:20.619 --> 00:49:23.559
In fact, we're going to be looking very confused.

00:49:24.349 --> 00:49:26.449
right uncertain and that's not very attractive

00:49:26.449 --> 00:49:29.289
right so the moment you know a woman is clear

00:49:29.289 --> 00:49:31.210
like oh this is what i want i'm ready for it

00:49:31.210 --> 00:49:33.409
the body follows and how to warm up the body

00:49:33.409 --> 00:49:35.849
that's the next big question yeah right um i

00:49:35.849 --> 00:49:38.969
would suggest you know if to try masturbation

00:49:38.969 --> 00:49:42.539
you know getting a sense of how their body feels

00:49:42.539 --> 00:49:44.760
like being touched. So remember I talked about

00:49:44.760 --> 00:49:47.199
the appreciation exercise earlier? Yeah. So that

00:49:47.199 --> 00:49:49.300
can also be brought in in this context. Okay.

00:49:49.420 --> 00:49:51.679
Right. And then if they're concerned about, you

00:49:51.679 --> 00:49:55.000
know, penetration, what we do is we do dilator

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:58.039
therapy, right, where we actually have a gel

00:49:58.039 --> 00:50:00.969
stick to teach women. how they can actually start

00:50:00.969 --> 00:50:03.809
to receive penetrative sex again. Gel stick?

00:50:04.190 --> 00:50:07.389
Yeah, so... What's that like? What is that? I

00:50:07.389 --> 00:50:08.650
don't have a picture, but you know, feel free

00:50:08.650 --> 00:50:11.849
to put a picture in the video. Right? I'll just

00:50:11.849 --> 00:50:16.230
insert one. Gel stick? I mean, I love that because

00:50:16.230 --> 00:50:19.110
it's a product that is conical in shape. It's

00:50:19.110 --> 00:50:24.130
made of gel, like a jelly, but the firmer ones.

00:50:24.389 --> 00:50:27.070
Okay. Right? And it has hydrolyzed acid inside

00:50:27.070 --> 00:50:30.289
it, vitamin C inside it. So maybe we all need

00:50:30.289 --> 00:50:33.349
a gel stick. And with the gel stick, because

00:50:33.349 --> 00:50:35.409
it's conical, it doesn't feel like you're stuffing

00:50:35.409 --> 00:50:38.610
something huge right inside right away. Okay,

00:50:38.690 --> 00:50:41.130
so it starts off with a narrow diameter, and

00:50:41.130 --> 00:50:43.730
then as it goes deeper, Right. Then the diameter

00:50:43.730 --> 00:50:46.349
increases. So when you couple that with your

00:50:46.349 --> 00:50:48.989
physical therapy sessions, you know, it helps

00:50:48.989 --> 00:50:51.789
you be confident. Or like, oh, actually, I'm

00:50:51.789 --> 00:50:54.429
still working. So is this something that, say,

00:50:54.429 --> 00:50:57.809
a perimenopausal woman could use if she's, you

00:50:57.809 --> 00:51:00.469
know, having symptoms of, let's say, you know,

00:51:00.469 --> 00:51:03.690
low libido or dryness? Is that or atrophy? Atrophy

00:51:03.690 --> 00:51:05.650
happens as well, doesn't it? Yes. So this product

00:51:05.650 --> 00:51:08.590
was for women who has dryness. Right. And sometimes

00:51:08.590 --> 00:51:12.530
I add estrogen cream as well. to improve the

00:51:12.530 --> 00:51:14.730
whole outcome, right? So it really depends on

00:51:14.730 --> 00:51:16.489
what the woman needs. And then if they have other

00:51:16.489 --> 00:51:18.429
symptoms, you know, we might need to start on

00:51:18.429 --> 00:51:21.750
hormonal replacement therapy, depending, right?

00:51:21.789 --> 00:51:24.289
But if it's just very localized, topical solutions

00:51:24.289 --> 00:51:27.789
work really good in these cases. How about testosterone?

00:51:28.969 --> 00:51:32.110
Testosterone is a little bit on the gray at this

00:51:32.110 --> 00:51:35.250
point in time, right? So in the Singapore guidelines.

00:51:35.369 --> 00:51:37.849
Yeah, that was kind of my question. Yeah. Is

00:51:37.849 --> 00:51:39.550
that I know women in America, they're like getting

00:51:39.550 --> 00:51:43.030
after it because they got on T. but not as widely

00:51:43.030 --> 00:51:46.230
prescribed here. Yeah. And you have, it's like

00:51:46.230 --> 00:51:48.889
you can't get the, oh God, what's that term?

00:51:49.590 --> 00:51:52.329
That pharmacy thing. Compounding. Yeah, compounded.

00:51:52.329 --> 00:51:53.969
You can't get compounded tea here, right? It

00:51:53.969 --> 00:51:56.610
has to be the gel. It has to be FDA approved.

00:51:56.829 --> 00:51:59.210
Correct. The gel. Yeah. So the gel, all right.

00:51:59.289 --> 00:52:02.030
I mean, it does really have to be very personalized.

00:52:02.130 --> 00:52:04.150
And then you just speak to your physician about

00:52:04.150 --> 00:52:07.019
it. Of course, you know. you might want to find

00:52:07.019 --> 00:52:10.039
a physician who is either someone who's more

00:52:10.039 --> 00:52:12.500
open about such things and then you can explore

00:52:12.500 --> 00:52:14.460
the risks and the benefits. Yeah, so happen to

00:52:14.460 --> 00:52:18.880
know a guy. But what I will say is, have you

00:52:18.880 --> 00:52:23.019
observed women getting on testosterone and improving

00:52:23.019 --> 00:52:25.159
their libido outcomes? I don't have that much

00:52:25.159 --> 00:52:27.360
of data for myself. Yeah, on that one. Well,

00:52:27.519 --> 00:52:30.719
we have had so much amazing insight from you

00:52:30.719 --> 00:52:33.320
today. I feel like, you know, women can take

00:52:33.320 --> 00:52:35.280
a lot away from this conversation, whether it

00:52:35.280 --> 00:52:37.519
comes to the emotional side of things, the medical

00:52:37.519 --> 00:52:41.159
side of things. But there is one more question

00:52:41.159 --> 00:52:43.059
we would like to ask. And it is a question we

00:52:43.059 --> 00:52:45.539
ask all of our guests. And that is, what's your

00:52:45.539 --> 00:52:48.719
40s formula? How can women in their 40s really

00:52:48.719 --> 00:52:52.480
thrive, I guess, sexually to make sure that they

00:52:52.480 --> 00:52:56.139
are empowered and confident in this era and during

00:52:56.139 --> 00:52:59.360
this decade? Don't be afraid to take your space.

00:53:00.409 --> 00:53:03.409
You work for it. You earned it. You deserve it.

00:53:03.449 --> 00:53:06.230
So take this piece. Yeah. Damn right. Get what

00:53:06.230 --> 00:53:09.610
you want. Yeah. Well, thank you so much, Angela.

00:53:09.690 --> 00:53:12.010
It has been wonderful having you here. We really

00:53:12.010 --> 00:53:14.309
appreciate this conversation. Thank you. Thank

00:53:14.309 --> 00:53:45.670
you for having me. Thank you so much. yeah and

00:53:45.670 --> 00:53:48.989
he looks like a mix between jason statham and

00:53:48.989 --> 00:53:52.829
paul walker yes like extremely gorgeous paul

00:53:52.829 --> 00:53:55.929
walker was my number oh my god he was my ideal

00:53:55.929 --> 00:53:58.349
like in terms of looks he was because see paul

00:53:58.349 --> 00:54:00.969
walker's too babyish for me but then that edge

00:54:00.969 --> 00:54:03.250
yeah the little edge that chris williams had

00:54:03.250 --> 00:54:06.829
okay see what you mean shut up just like are

00:54:06.829 --> 00:54:09.929
we doing a podcast today or not as much yeah

00:54:09.929 --> 00:54:12.190
yeah mics are warm mics are hot