1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:20,960 Hey hey and welcome to the Forties Formula, your go-to place for insightful discussions 2 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:25,160 on navigating the forties and thriving in this transformative decade. 3 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:29,120 We're your hosts, Jasmine and Amanda, two women that are passionate about exploring 4 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:41,760 the challenges and adventures that come with turning 40 and what lies ahead. 5 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,280 Our guest today is Priyanka Rai. 6 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,560 She is a psychotherapist, author and wellbeing consultant. 7 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:52,040 She wears many hats, including being the director of SQL counseling and consultancy, co-creator 8 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:56,520 of Story of Me, a personal development and coaching program for women, and a dedicated 9 00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:00,920 volunteer mentor for teens and families at the Ministry of Social and Family Development 10 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,560 here in Singapore. 11 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:06,520 With over two decades of experience, Priyanka has conducted high profile interviews and 12 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,160 written human interest content for various publications. 13 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:15,320 Today she is here to share her insights and wisdoms on nurturing mental wellbeing. 14 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:18,960 Mental wellbeing is a vital topic and our conversation aims to shed light on the importance 15 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:23,760 of self-care, self-discovery and nurturing your mental health, especially during the 16 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:24,760 forties. 17 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:29,840 We are absolutely honored to have Priyanka Rai here on the Forties Formula and today's 18 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,400 topic is all about mental health. 19 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,840 It's a topic that impacts us all, regardless of our age, but I feel like there's some 20 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,600 kind of unique significance in our forties. 21 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,560 Priyanka, why do you think that is? 22 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:48,560 Okay, I'm so glad you're asking this question because first of all, 40 is that age group, 23 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:54,960 let's just say 40 to 50 first, that kind of stage where maximum people are impacted by 24 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,720 some kind of mental issues. 25 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:03,320 And so this age is also the age group where we have the maximum depression rate. 26 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:07,120 But it is also the most exciting age group because that's the age group where we have 27 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:13,760 a lot of resources and we have a lot of wisdom from the last few years. 28 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:18,100 And so that's the age group where we can do better than any other age group. 29 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:25,680 So on both sides, this is the age group where mental health becomes really, really important. 30 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:30,440 What kind of challenges do you see women in their forties or women approaching their forties 31 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,000 facing? 32 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:38,680 So I think we can call it as a liminal stage, which is like a threshold where you are moving 33 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:43,040 out of say a very youthful phase of your life and you're not old at all. 34 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,040 That's right. 35 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:52,080 Yes, you are not and so that that kind of stage also comes with a lot of other changes, 36 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:56,120 like the kids are probably at the age where they do not need you or probably going into 37 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,120 the university. 38 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:03,440 There's this age where you have more responsibility from your probably parents or anybody else 39 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,040 that where you have caregiving roles. 40 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:11,200 You also are at a stage where doing very well in your career and so you have more responsibilities 41 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,200 in that sense, right? 42 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:18,240 Plus, it's also an age where you have seen a lot of loss and grief. 43 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,280 You have dealt with it. 44 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,520 You have faced it. 45 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:23,040 And now I'm not just talking about death. 46 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:29,440 I'm also talking about loss of say a dream of identity, loss of a kind of friendship 47 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:36,320 that you thought would last, a kind of idealism that you have carried yourself from your very 48 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:37,320 young days. 49 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:41,080 So there's a lot of losses that we are talking about. 50 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:45,640 Or it's also a kind of understanding that what I thought my dream was is changing. 51 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:46,640 I am changing. 52 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,040 So a loss of self. 53 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:54,160 Apart from that, there is a loss of, I shouldn't say loss, there's a change in relationships 54 00:03:54,160 --> 00:04:00,120 with whoever you have the closest relationship with, whether it's your child, your spouse, 55 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,120 right? 56 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:06,960 So there's a lot of changes that's coming in and women have to take that a lot. 57 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:12,760 And we have also the stage where there's maximum anxiety and depression as compared to men 58 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,820 absolutely twice. 59 00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:18,480 That makes it very relevant to look at that. 60 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:22,320 And you mentioned that idea of grieving a loss of identity. 61 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:25,880 I had never thought of that before, but it kind of hit me, right? 62 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:31,200 When it's like the things you have to let go of from your 20s and 30s in order to thrive 63 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,200 in your 40s. 64 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,920 And I don't know that we all allow ourselves that grieving process, that time to say that 65 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,960 that is who I was and this is who I am. 66 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:39,960 Yes. 67 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,600 I think also because there's no awareness, you don't realize that there is a loss of 68 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,320 identity and there is something to grieve. 69 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,040 But you do feel a sense of loss. 70 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:53,960 And I see most women this age struggling with where is the loneliness coming from? 71 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,240 Where is the restlessness coming from? 72 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,960 Where is the boredom coming from? 73 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:02,480 And these three things are extremely important at this stage, the loneliness, the boredom 74 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,960 and the restlessness, right? 75 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:09,360 And what's happening is our lives are so busy at that stage. 76 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:13,720 We're not stopping by to pinpoint on these, right? 77 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:20,000 What we are doing instead is probably paying more attention to exercise or maybe on nutrition 78 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,800 because that's what we can see. 79 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,240 But we can't see the restlessness and the cause of it. 80 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:28,560 And maybe we go to do a meditation, which is great, but we still have the source that 81 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,240 we haven't addressed yet. 82 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:35,840 And so these are all coming from the things that I mentioned, the loss of identity. 83 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:40,760 I want to also point out that the loss of identity is also because throughout our adolescence 84 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:45,880 and early adulthood, a lot of our identity is based on labels that people have given 85 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,440 us. 86 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,880 We haven't really figured out who we are. 87 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:57,280 We have absorbed what people close to us or the society or the peers have said. 88 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,600 And we have some kind of idea, oh, I think I like that. 89 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:01,600 So let's take it. 90 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,440 Or, you know, everyone's saying I'm very bold or I'm very courageous. 91 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:05,440 I'm very lazy. 92 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:06,440 I'm selfish. 93 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:07,880 Whatever it is, I've taken on that role. 94 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:11,140 And sometimes it doesn't fit me at all. 95 00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:13,480 Or maybe it did fit me when I was 18. 96 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:14,480 Hello? 97 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:15,600 I'm not. 98 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:16,600 And I've learned so much. 99 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:17,680 I have moved so much. 100 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:21,680 I have changed the way I have experienced different things. 101 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,640 It doesn't fit anymore. 102 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,240 But I'm still clinging onto that. 103 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,440 I'm clinging onto the job that I wanted when I was a kid. 104 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,120 I'm clinging onto the identity. 105 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:34,560 I'm clinging even to the relationship part that I had. 106 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,520 But it's not juggling with my values, my ideas, and who I am. 107 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:41,400 So the restlessness, the loneliness, and the boredom starts. 108 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,120 And that is where it all kind of starts. 109 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,120 Yeah. 110 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:50,120 Do you find that with women, because like you mentioned, there's a difference between 111 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:55,200 sort of men and women when it comes to, say, depression, is it a physiological thing sometimes 112 00:06:55,200 --> 00:07:00,240 that causes a woman to feel more depressed than a man? 113 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:06,120 So the way the women process, and the way they express, and the way they feel the emotions, 114 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,120 different. 115 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:11,200 And so when they are, anything to do with relationship, anything to do with emotion, 116 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,680 they are more impacted. 117 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:13,680 And they take one more. 118 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:14,960 They multitask more. 119 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:19,580 So the expectation they have of themselves is already different. 120 00:07:19,580 --> 00:07:25,960 So the point is that women are twice as prone as men are to feeling low about themselves, 121 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,000 feeling they are not making the cut, this relationship is not going well. 122 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,200 So that impacts them more. 123 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,240 And then they start spiraling. 124 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:39,380 So two things I want to say here is although it sounds bad that, oh, they are more prone 125 00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:42,640 to depression and that sounds sad, it's not as sad. 126 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:48,640 Because also it's easier to address women have this habit of reaching out for help, 127 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,320 which is fantastic. 128 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,920 And they also reach out to other women. 129 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:57,920 They seek support system much faster and more easily than men do. 130 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,140 And that's where the solution is. 131 00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:06,640 So although it seems like, oh, they're impacted more, they also are easier to find, you know, 132 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,640 take to solution and get better. 133 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:09,640 Yeah. 134 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,140 I remember there was this billboard in LA. 135 00:08:11,140 --> 00:08:13,800 This is years, probably decades ago, if I'm being serious. 136 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,360 And it was like, millions of men will die from stubbornness this year. 137 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,320 And it was so interesting. 138 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,800 It was for a therapist. 139 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:27,080 And it was like, you know, it's like men's hesitation to talk and open up and give a 140 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,720 bit more about their feelings and connect. 141 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,760 Like you said, that is actually why they suffer more. 142 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,180 It's not that they're actually suffering more. 143 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,440 We know that they're not now, right? 144 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,920 That women are diagnosed with these conditions twice as often. 145 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,480 But men are suffering more. 146 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,520 And I think that's what's cool about women in our 40s is we can struggle, but we don't 147 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,520 have to suffer. 148 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:49,240 You know, one of my favorite quotes about running is that pain is necessary, but suffering 149 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:50,240 is an option. 150 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,240 Yes. 151 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,240 Right. 152 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,080 And it's like you don't have to do it alone. 153 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,840 And I think, yeah, that message is so powerful. 154 00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:01,360 That is I think one of the main things we miss out on mental health is that when we 155 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:07,380 feel bad about anything, our tendency is to just hide somewhere, withdraw, isolate. 156 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,720 And that's the worst thing we can do to us. 157 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:13,280 So of course, take your time and get over things, but not for too long. 158 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:14,980 You cannot hide for too long. 159 00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:19,120 If you're feeling not OK, find someone to talk to, anybody. 160 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,120 You just go out in the crowd, see people. 161 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:22,320 That's good enough. 162 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:23,480 You need to connect. 163 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,160 So that's like so important. 164 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,840 And I just want to point this out. 165 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:32,920 We talk a lot about mental health, and people immediately assume it's mental illness. 166 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:37,680 Something is wrong with you, you having some kind of depression, craziness, or anything 167 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:38,680 at all. 168 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,120 I'll not go into the labels there. 169 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:44,600 But mental health is not just mental illness or absence of it. 170 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:49,560 It's also the ability to take on the good things that's coming. 171 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:54,440 Because if you are not doing well in sort of mental health, not resilient, not ready 172 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:59,240 to take on an opportunity, not having that butterfly in the stomach and still saying, 173 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:02,200 I can take this on, you will not grow. 174 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:08,360 And this stage of 40s is where the maximum opportunities are. 175 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:14,480 Are you ready to grow beyond what you thought is also something that you need to address? 176 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,200 It's not just, oh, I'm not going to be depressed. 177 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,200 I'm not going to be anxious. 178 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,760 I'm not going to be low. 179 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,720 That's just one part of it. 180 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:24,160 Second part of it is, am I ready to take on what comes? 181 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:29,920 Am I ready to problem solve creatively so that I see solutions where there was not before? 182 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,720 And am I ready to grow beyond who I thought ever possible? 183 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:39,120 So we are talking of both sides that need sound mental health, ready to take on the 184 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:43,080 highs and ready to take on the lows, both. 185 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:44,080 That's amazing. 186 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:48,320 I feel like it's such an important thing that you've just said. 187 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:52,200 I heard a quote, expectation is the root of all heartache. 188 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,840 And I feel like as women, we always expect something. 189 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,720 We expect our kids to do things. 190 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:02,440 We expect our husbands to put their socks in the laundry basket. 191 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:12,520 You know, whatever it is, I feel like it's usually our expectations that lead to us feeling 192 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:16,360 sad, feeling bad about what's happening. 193 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,960 How can we overcome these, I guess? 194 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:25,680 I think before I even address the expectations we have for others, I think I need to address 195 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,840 the expectations on self. 196 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:36,360 And that I feel is more relevant because the language that most of us use for ourselves 197 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:42,080 is we must, we should, we have to reach here by this time. 198 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:48,800 We have to ensure our kids are getting this grade or we must see that the house looks 199 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:53,080 or we must have a spouse who keeps the socks. 200 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:59,560 That is the imposition on self because it tells us we are doing great then. 201 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:04,520 And that's the only time when things are falling into place and when we have the expectations 202 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,240 met, we feel we have done our job. 203 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,740 It's more to do with us than to do with them. 204 00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:14,600 So I'm not saying that we shouldn't have expectations of self for others. 205 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,940 We have to, otherwise, you know, where are we going? 206 00:12:17,940 --> 00:12:19,720 But the language is important. 207 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:24,520 So it is not the expectation that somebody will do something. 208 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,600 It is the expectation. 209 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,760 What does it mean to me when they do something? 210 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:31,880 Why am I feeling so satisfied or so accomplished? 211 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:35,100 Because somebody did what we expected them to do. 212 00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:36,100 It's not. 213 00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:40,520 So I think it's just changing, stepping back and changing the expectations on self first. 214 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:45,080 It has nothing to do with them doing something or I doing something that only I'll feel good 215 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:46,080 about myself. 216 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:49,000 It's a flow, not a destination. 217 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:56,480 So I think that's where I would like to say because we focus too much on the final outcome. 218 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,960 And I would just keep saying it's the journey. 219 00:12:58,960 --> 00:12:59,960 It's the moment. 220 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,720 I'm doing well. 221 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,920 It has nothing to do with how clean this place looks. 222 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,880 I'm just enjoying what I'm doing right now. 223 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:12,120 I keep this here and whatever it is, you know, it's the process which is more important. 224 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:17,200 So expectation and destination and goal are kind of mish-mashed. 225 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:21,280 So that's where I would like to draw a line and say, no, it's the process and expectations 226 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:22,800 will start changing automatically. 227 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:23,800 Yeah. 228 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:28,440 And I mean, that could not be more relevant for a lot of women during their health journeys. 229 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:32,000 You know, I work with so many women that say, well, in my 20s, I could just, you know, skip 230 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,680 dinner and lose five pounds overnight. 231 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:34,760 Well, guess what? 232 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,000 Welcome to your 40s where that's not going to happen. 233 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:41,840 The expectation that weight loss will be easy in your 40s, you need to drop it. 234 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:47,040 And focusing on what you are doing toward your health goals is much more empowering. 235 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,000 Instead of saying I want to lose, you know, two kg by the end of the month, you might 236 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,720 say I want to hit three workouts per week every week for this month. 237 00:13:54,720 --> 00:14:00,000 That is such a more empowering, measurable, you know, satisfying goal than to say if I 238 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,400 don't lose two kg by the end of the month, I'm a failure. 239 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,920 Yeah, you are so right. 240 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:09,200 And you know, like usually in my field, I have people who suddenly feel so hopeless 241 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,000 and helpless. 242 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:16,920 And the only way to get them out is just for them to feel I am empowered enough to do 243 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,400 something. 244 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:23,800 The fact that I reach out to someone, maybe you, and say that, hey, I think I need to 245 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,000 do something about it. 246 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:29,240 And the fact that I have taken a step for myself. 247 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,240 And that is the goal. 248 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,240 Yeah, action. 249 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,240 That I moved. 250 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:33,840 I didn't stay in one place. 251 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,160 I moved. 252 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,400 And that is actually the process. 253 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,400 Yeah. 254 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:42,480 And you can look back on that month and say here's all the checkboxes of what I did versus 255 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:46,680 here's this one little number, this one little measure of what I didn't do. 256 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,320 And again, by the way, usually when you do check all those boxes, you get what you wanted 257 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,320 anyway. 258 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,320 But that's the bonus. 259 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:57,040 We are not looking at that too much. 260 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,600 Hey, Amanda, picture this. 261 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,600 You're in your 40s. 262 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,600 I am. 263 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:02,600 You are. 264 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,480 You're working, you're raising kids, you're heavily pregnant and you're hungry. 265 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,480 Yep, that's my everyday. 266 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,600 But 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00:15:42,740 --> 00:15:47,400 For more updates, recipes and special offers, don't forget to follow The Meat Club on Instagram 279 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,080 at themeatclub.sg. 280 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,800 That's the meat M-E-A-T-C-L-U-B-S-G. 281 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:55,800 Now back to the show. 282 00:15:55,800 --> 00:16:03,000 I also find that being in our 40s, we're kind of sandwiched in between parents and our kids. 283 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,920 And there's like pressure coming from both sides. 284 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:12,480 Do you find that a lot of the women that you speak with are struggling with coping with, 285 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:20,000 you know, dealing with elderly parents or aging parents, and then obviously their kids, 286 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,120 and that pressure is just getting too much to them? 287 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:23,120 Yes. 288 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,040 And that is so true. 289 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:32,280 So when I'm talking about loss, the loss is also in terms of when you see your parents 290 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:37,720 aging, there's a loss of that image you had when you were a kid, that they are the super 291 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,200 superman, superwoman who will take care of you. 292 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,480 They're so strong and stuff like that. 293 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:47,120 But now that they're aging, you see their vulnerable weak side, they're depending on 294 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,120 you. 295 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,400 They're kind of clinging sometimes, right? 296 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:55,080 And then not only are you having that pressure that you need to take care of them, you're 297 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:59,320 also mourning who you thought they were and who they have become. 298 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:03,960 And that's a bit of a sadness, which we do not allow ourselves. 299 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:08,600 You know, that grief we have not allowed ourselves, that I feel sad for who they were and what 300 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:13,280 my relationship with them was, because the relationship is changing. 301 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,640 And that change has to come and you have to accept. 302 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,000 So that becomes hard. 303 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,880 On the other side, the kids, they were young, they were completely like, Mama, you're the 304 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:22,880 best. 305 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,720 And now they are like, you don't know anything. 306 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,720 Right? 307 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,520 I'm sorry, you mean my kids are not going to think I'm the best? 308 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,560 I have a three and a two and one on the way. 309 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,440 So they're still thinking I'm the best. 310 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,440 Is that going to change, Priyanka? 311 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,440 Yes. 312 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,200 But then again, it's a temporary phase. 313 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:41,520 It may again come back like, OK, my kids are much, much, much older. 314 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,960 They did all the transitioning and moving closer to me. 315 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,800 So that's that's fine. 316 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:47,800 But that happens. 317 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,320 And then there is the whole thing of am I not needed? 318 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,320 And I was important. 319 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,840 Am I not anymore? 320 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,520 And that that again hits you. 321 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,800 And there's again this loss of identity and a grief of I was needed. 322 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,880 Now suddenly I'm I'm not needed anywhere. 323 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:07,440 And the sandwich that you say causes a lot of stress. 324 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,840 When I say stress, you know, let's just break it down. 325 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,640 Stress is not bad. 326 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,600 People have this habit of saying I'm so stressed. 327 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:14,600 Stress is bad. 328 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:15,600 No, it's not. 329 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:16,600 Stress keeps you moving. 330 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:17,600 Right? 331 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:18,600 So stress is great. 332 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,240 We need a certain amount of stress to grow. 333 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:26,440 The stress becomes a problem when it continues and on and on and on. 334 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:32,640 And we you have not figured out a way to find a little break in between and cool down. 335 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:37,680 It's always like your body and your mind are ready for some threat. 336 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,280 And that continued stress is where the burnout comes in. 337 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:48,040 So to identify this is continuing how and what I can do to have a little pause and a 338 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,040 break. 339 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:54,440 Find my little places where I can just relax and let down my guard is necessary. 340 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,740 Otherwise it's leading to burn out. 341 00:18:56,740 --> 00:18:59,880 And there are like we ignore the symptoms of burnout. 342 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,840 And that's what it leads to a lot of physical ailments as well. 343 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,000 I always say to my kids, mommy needs some oxytocin. 344 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,280 And they 100% know that that's when I'm coming in for a hug. 345 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,040 So, you know, oxytocin, oxytocin. 346 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,560 So sweet. 347 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:21,600 How important is it to maintain a healthy relationship? 348 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,600 Like you were talking about relationships earlier, not only with yourself, but also 349 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,040 with your partners and stuff as well. 350 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,760 Because I think as you grow, you change. 351 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:37,320 And sometimes, you know, whether it's your siblings, whether it's your husband, your 352 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,680 kids, everyone's changing. 353 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:44,960 Everyone has different beliefs, different ideas about what's happening. 354 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,320 How can you sort of keep that bond strong? 355 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:54,360 You know, people have this misconception that the relationship you have once just remains 356 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,440 the same. 357 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:58,120 Really it should not. 358 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:01,240 You know, I think that acceptance is important. 359 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:05,320 It's changing doesn't mean it's getting worse. 360 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,240 But people do have that thought. 361 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:11,480 When I was 20 and dating, he did this. 362 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,280 And so he's not doing that now. 363 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,280 It's bad. 364 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,280 It's bad news. 365 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,280 No, it's not. 366 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:20,160 It's high time he did different things for what you need now. 367 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,440 And that's a good thing. 368 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,080 So relationships will change with everybody. 369 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:29,160 The first and foremost thing is to accept it will change and that it should change. 370 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,640 It should not stagnate. 371 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,040 That's the first thing. 372 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:36,520 Second thing is that I was saying for a sound mental health, one of the most important things 373 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,280 is connection. 374 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,480 And that's where the relationships coming. 375 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:46,720 If relationship could be bottled into something and given to people, I would give it every 376 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:52,480 day because that's like in my mind, the thing that I have seen that impacts the most. 377 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:56,880 And so a little bit of thing, as you say, we expect from others and it's OK. 378 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,720 That's a good and healthy relationship. 379 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,760 And a little bit we need to put in and change. 380 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:09,040 So what I find women, especially in their 40s, they are so successful in so many ways 381 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,360 that they kind of get arrogant about it. 382 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,240 I know best. 383 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,680 And this has worked for me. 384 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:18,880 This is what I think should be in the way relationships should be there in the way I'm 385 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,200 a mother, in the way I'm a friend and the way I'm an employee. 386 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:27,640 And you get fixated on a sense on what you think works, which has been successful at 387 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:28,640 some point. 388 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:36,440 But the whole mantra of this stage is to be OK with change, to see it flowing in a certain 389 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:41,360 way and you know instinctively this is what is needed. 390 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:47,040 And I think that's where I want to point out women usually have a higher instinct. 391 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:48,400 This is not woo woo thing. 392 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:49,400 It's research. 393 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,400 Right. 394 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:51,400 Any men listening. 395 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:52,400 It's hard science. 396 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:53,400 Yes. 397 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:54,400 Yes. 398 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:58,200 But women do not really rely on that. 399 00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,200 That's the sad part. 400 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,240 That the gut instinct is real. 401 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,920 We do have more nerves out there. 402 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:09,080 So it's just that we have not clogged it, but we have sensed it. 403 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:13,280 So if there was a suggestion that I would give women is to use your strength. 404 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:14,580 It's a superpower. 405 00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:18,920 So instinctively you would know what to do in a relationship. 406 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:19,920 Don't ignore it. 407 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,560 Instinctively, you will know that my health is not feeling good. 408 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:24,560 Go with it. 409 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,880 Instinctively, you will know what is good for you. 410 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,520 And what works for I mean, you would know you would know what works for one doesn't 411 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:31,880 work for other. 412 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,800 Do not stick on to a diet just because it's a fad. 413 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:39,160 Do not stick on to an exercise routine because your sister does it. 414 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:40,840 You cannot rely on someone else. 415 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,600 It's your own gut instinct. 416 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:46,500 So whether it's a relationship connecting with people, go with your gut. 417 00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:48,400 Someone feels good and energizes you. 418 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,080 That's your person. 419 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,280 You're absolutely right, Bianca. 420 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,760 And you're speaking directly to me a few years ago. 421 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:54,760 I was divorced. 422 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:58,440 I was going through a divorce and it was with a partner that I had been with for 12 years. 423 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:02,280 And I remember so many of our mutual friends were like, oh, Mandy, you just got to stick 424 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:03,280 it out. 425 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,280 You just got to make it work. 426 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:05,760 You just got to remember why you got together in the first place. 427 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:10,840 But what you just said about change and acknowledging the change in relationship, just because we 428 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:15,740 got together when I was 25 doesn't mean we needed to be together when I was 37. 429 00:23:15,740 --> 00:23:22,320 And I think other people's expectations of what I should do based on what the relationship 430 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:27,080 was or even their perception of it from the outside really did make me struggle. 431 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:31,240 And I didn't finalize my divorce for two years because I just couldn't wrap my head around 432 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,400 the fact that it was time to call it. 433 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,680 And had I followed my instinct from the very beginning, it would have been an easier process. 434 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:38,680 It would have been a shorter process. 435 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,720 And I think I would have spared him a lot of the pain. 436 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,680 So I hear you, girl. 437 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:44,840 Yeah, absolutely. 438 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:49,080 I think what happens is that we're not sure which one is instinct and which one is anxiety 439 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:50,480 or fear. 440 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,120 And that's where we struggle. 441 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,840 But that's a bit of a practice. 442 00:23:54,840 --> 00:24:00,280 Just tuning in and figuring out and then experimenting in small places. 443 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,080 Because it's like a muscle that grows. 444 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:03,560 But how do you know? 445 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,640 And I don't want to go in with something which is going to have consequence. 446 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,880 So why not try in small, small places and see where your instinct leads you? 447 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,480 You would know where it's successful, where it's not. 448 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,240 And then that's how it grows. 449 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,160 And I think my instinct level has increased. 450 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,440 And increased the more I use it. 451 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:23,880 And that's the whole thing. 452 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,040 It's like a muscle. 453 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:28,920 It is completely a muscle, I tell you. 454 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,720 Use it more. 455 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:36,000 I also wonder on the flip side, people who are in a relationship, they've been together 456 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,160 a long time. 457 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,920 And then someone turns around and says, I just don't get the butterflies anymore. 458 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:44,160 Does that mean that their relationship is ending? 459 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,800 Is that it's done? 460 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:48,800 No. 461 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:54,080 I think a lot of listeners just breathe this cyberly. 462 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:59,640 No, I think I'm going to say two things that I've mentioned already before. 463 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:04,920 One is that butterflies doesn't mean it's left. 464 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,280 Even if you're 18. 465 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,240 People react differently. 466 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,280 They need different things. 467 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:15,080 And so again, I would say do not go on the fat, on the movies, on whatever is being fed 468 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,840 on social media as to this is what it is. 469 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:19,240 No, it's not. 470 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:20,680 It's your instinct. 471 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:22,600 If you feel complete, you would know. 472 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,640 You don't need to look at somebody else to tell you. 473 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:26,640 You would know. 474 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:27,640 And that would be fine. 475 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,440 There's no checklist, people. 476 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,480 There's really no checklist out there. 477 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:32,480 You know, you know. 478 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:37,960 Second thing that I'm saying is you need different things in different phases of your life. 479 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,760 What you needed at that time was something else. 480 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,980 What you need now is something else. 481 00:25:43,980 --> 00:25:49,160 What you feel complete with, that only you would figure out. 482 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:53,400 And sometimes I feel this whole thing, you know, it's great that people are getting more 483 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:54,400 self-aware. 484 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:59,320 They are tuning in to themselves and saying this is what I need, self-care. 485 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:00,640 It's all good, all fine. 486 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:07,500 But sometimes people are in a hurry to drop something and run to the next thing just because 487 00:26:07,500 --> 00:26:09,880 there's an availability of choice. 488 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:14,080 But that makes you more anxious, not necessarily more calm or more happy. 489 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:17,640 Okay, I just want to add happiness is not about excitement. 490 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,480 There are two kinds of happiness or well-being. 491 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:24,920 One is the hedonic, which is like the excitement, the fun, the thing that goes like we, you 492 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:25,920 know. 493 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:30,280 And then there's the quieter kind, the eudaemonic, which is the satisfaction, the meaning, the 494 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:34,440 purpose, the quiet understanding of this is it. 495 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:39,360 Aside, you know, both are needed in equal measures. 496 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:43,040 Maybe sometimes one goes higher, sometimes one goes lower, and that's fine. 497 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:47,920 But we should not base our happiness or feeling of well-being on just one of it. 498 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:54,940 We need both to be complete and feel accomplished or feel fulfilled. 499 00:26:54,940 --> 00:26:57,320 You mentioned gut instinct. 500 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,240 Based on gut, I'm going to talk about sort of your gut health. 501 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:07,360 Now people say that your gut health can reflect on your brain health. 502 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:10,440 How much of that would you say is true? 503 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,440 Yeah, it is. 504 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:13,440 It is. 505 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:17,160 It is true, but I wouldn't just go on the gut health. 506 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:24,920 I mean, of course, physical well-being and mental well-being are really closely connected. 507 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,800 And there are no like beating around the bush on this. 508 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:28,920 It is. 509 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:36,880 And it can go to the extent of not just anxiety or stress or high BP or diabetes. 510 00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:42,280 It goes to cancer, heart diseases, and every single thing. 511 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:49,720 I have got clients who you could see how they have progressed in their healing just because 512 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:55,880 they are able to speak, just because they are able to take out all the pain or all the 513 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,620 things that they have been holding on. 514 00:27:58,620 --> 00:28:00,440 And that has made a difference. 515 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:06,320 You know, letting go sometimes of the bitterness is directly related to how physically it shows 516 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:07,320 up. 517 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,200 So it's not just the gut. 518 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:13,600 It's all together that mental as well as physical is one thing. 519 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:18,780 And I wish more and more healthcare professionals would take that into account, and many do. 520 00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:23,860 So there are like doctors who would immediately ask you to go to someone who can help you 521 00:28:23,860 --> 00:28:25,760 with your mental side as well. 522 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,840 And it's something, it's holistic. 523 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:29,840 Everything is holistic. 524 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,440 Everything is interconnected. 525 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:34,160 So one doesn't work without the other. 526 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:38,000 Like when I have someone coming to me with say depression or something, the first thing 527 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:42,480 I do is a move exercise. 528 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:45,360 And that immediately has some kind of effect. 529 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:46,580 And then you come back. 530 00:28:46,580 --> 00:28:51,540 And then I will have a look at what you are eating, what you are consuming, how much of 531 00:28:51,540 --> 00:28:54,040 it is processed, how much of it is sugar. 532 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:56,160 But it is all interconnected. 533 00:28:56,160 --> 00:29:02,120 I cannot just help you heal mentally if I'm not looking at your lifestyle, your sleep, 534 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,340 your exercise routine. 535 00:29:04,340 --> 00:29:05,340 It's all together. 536 00:29:05,340 --> 00:29:07,640 And I think that's where the collaboration come in. 537 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:11,000 If you are looking at well-being, we are not looking at just one person. 538 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:12,760 We are looking collective. 539 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:17,960 And there has to be a collaboration by everyone to say this is how everybody lives up. 540 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:18,960 Yeah. 541 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,960 And I love that you said the immediate effect of exercise. 542 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:28,000 I think so much of my job as a fitness and nutrition coach is convincing women to exercise, 543 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,040 giving them all the motivation and pep talks they need to exercise. 544 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:35,680 But what's cool about exercise versus something that might be more daunting, like a course 545 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,900 of physical therapy, for example, is that it's immediate. 546 00:29:38,900 --> 00:29:40,840 You go out for a walk in the fresh sunshine. 547 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:44,600 And I promise you, you will feel better than 15 minutes previously when you were inside 548 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,160 in a dark room feeling crap about yourself. 549 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:47,160 100%. 550 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,160 And feeling crap about your body. 551 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:49,160 Yes. 552 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:55,440 And I think that's another episode, but exercise is scientifically the most effective antidepressant 553 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:58,160 that's non-pharmaceutical that we have. 554 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:04,680 So if mental health professionals and wellness professionals can emphasize and bold text 555 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:09,560 that message to every woman we come in contact with, I think the world would be a much healthier 556 00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:10,560 place. 557 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:11,560 And I mean that on both sides. 558 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:12,560 Yes, absolutely. 559 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:17,280 And when you said that go for a walk in the sunshine, you actually touched on two or three 560 00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:18,280 things together. 561 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:19,800 It's sunshine, it's a walk. 562 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:23,560 And it's that, as I was saying, I am doing something about it. 563 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:24,560 I am taking action. 564 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:25,560 I'm taking action. 565 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:29,120 I'm empowered, you know, and that makes all the difference. 566 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:30,120 Sure does. 567 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:34,080 It's so funny because I actually had a conversation with a potential client yesterday and she 568 00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:39,920 said, oh, I hear it's 80% diet versus 20% exercise for weight loss. 569 00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:44,600 And I said, well, kind of, because you can't out exercise a bad diet. 570 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:45,600 Sure can't. 571 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:48,260 But don't, that does not mean don't exercise. 572 00:30:48,260 --> 00:30:51,680 What that means is go out and exercise not only for your cardiovascular health, but also 573 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:52,680 for your mental well-being. 574 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,480 Like you need the exercise. 575 00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,160 Don't just focus on it as a weight loss tool, you know. 576 00:30:58,160 --> 00:30:59,160 Exactly. 577 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:02,320 Well, and again, that brings us back to our, you know, what is the purpose of exercise? 578 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:07,080 If the purpose is only weight loss, eventually you will be spinning your wheels. 579 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:08,800 That's not a lifelong purpose. 580 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:09,800 Exactly. 581 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:14,120 So my husband always says to me, don't project your stress on me because I'm such a talker. 582 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:19,120 Like when I feel like something is getting to me, I will just go out there and I'll sort 583 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:21,600 of say it out loud, whether he's listening or he's not listening. 584 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:24,120 But I feel like, you know, I need to get it out. 585 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:29,880 How much of, you know, talking it out, does it, does how much of talking it out, does 586 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:30,880 it help? 587 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:31,880 Does that make sense? 588 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:32,880 I don't even want to say that. 589 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:33,880 I get you. 590 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:34,880 I get you. 591 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:35,880 Yes, it helps. 592 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:38,880 But then it doesn't help everyone. 593 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:39,880 Okay. 594 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:44,200 So I mean, as I said, what works for you, only you will know. 595 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,800 So if that's what works for you, you need to do that. 596 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:52,160 However, I must mention that one of the things that we always ask the clients to do is if 597 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:58,920 something is bothering you rather than keep it and, you know, let it marinate, say it. 598 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:00,360 Oh, I love that term. 599 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:01,360 Let it marinate. 600 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:02,360 Yeah. 601 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:03,360 That's exactly what I would say. 602 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:06,800 So say it, but say it doesn't always mean speak it. 603 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,600 You can always write it. 604 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:13,440 Or, you know, I have a few clients who don't like writing, journaling. 605 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,800 No, I cannot do it. 606 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:19,200 And I don't feel like speaking it out. 607 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:20,200 So what do you do? 608 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:24,520 So they take on their phone and then just speak to the phone and they delete it. 609 00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:25,520 Amazing. 610 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:26,520 And that's okay. 611 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:27,520 That's okay. 612 00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:28,520 Basically, just take it out. 613 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:35,020 And it can come in terms of, you know, I speak to my sister, I find a friend and I find sometimes 614 00:32:35,020 --> 00:32:40,800 a stranger to talk to or I'm writing it down in a journal, maybe I'm speaking it out somewhere 615 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:42,960 and getting it over with. 616 00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:47,760 But then again, it's like the needs to speak is different for different people. 617 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:53,400 But what I'm talking about here is if you feel there's some unfairness in your life 618 00:32:53,400 --> 00:33:00,120 or you're stuck or something that I have against someone, some kind of anger, that has to 619 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:04,280 be conveyed rather than kept in sight. 620 00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:10,160 And sometimes it is okay to have just one outburst or one, it doesn't even have to be 621 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:16,800 an outburst, honestly, it can just have like one conversation or a letter or whatever, 622 00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:17,800 an email. 623 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:22,920 I have taken it out rather than feeling I'm the victim because I took some action. 624 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:25,480 I'm the hero of my story here. 625 00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:28,840 That's the game changer. 626 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,920 How do you know when someone needs more than just talk therapy? 627 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:37,680 Like at what point would you realize that this is sort of more ingrained deep within 628 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:39,840 and how can you help that person? 629 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:44,400 So what you're saying is going beyond just talking it out. 630 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:48,840 Okay, as I said, stress is okay or any of the things that's happening to you is okay 631 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:53,520 if it is just for a short time and you rest or you talk it out or you do something, exercise 632 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,200 and you're quite better. 633 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:59,000 But if it is prolonged, it's just not getting okay. 634 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:03,920 One thing is it is impacting every area of your life, whether there's relationship, whether 635 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:07,840 the output, what you are able to do otherwise and it's impacting. 636 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:11,480 You're fatigued all the time or you're irritated all the time. 637 00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:18,320 Or what happens a very telltale sign is that your threshold of annoyance really changes, 638 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:19,320 right? 639 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,560 You're getting really upset with small little things. 640 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:26,120 What was okay and you could really handle so much, but now you're not. 641 00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:28,800 Those are the little signs that something is not okay. 642 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:35,280 Another thing is there's a lot of muscle aches, headaches, digestion issues. 643 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,040 Those things come up, right? 644 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:41,240 And then sleep, how your appetite, you see changes. 645 00:34:41,240 --> 00:34:44,840 You see changes in the way your skin looks, your hair feels. 646 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:48,600 So there are like small, small things and it's, of course, we'll all go through all 647 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:53,280 kind of little bouts of haven't slept well or have trouble or whatever it is. 648 00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:57,880 But if this just goes on and on and usually your loved ones would know and they would 649 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:03,440 say something like you're getting so restless or you're so snappy or you're losing your 650 00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:07,160 cool, those are the cues. 651 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:11,120 So that's when you realize you need something more than just talking it out. 652 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:14,240 You need professional help there. 653 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:16,480 We call the 40s the no shits given decade. 654 00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:20,680 If you feel like when you get to this point, you don't really care. 655 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,560 You just do what you need to do. 656 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:30,280 But what would you say is sort of the difference between not giving a shit, but also becoming 657 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:33,560 just a grumpy old man, I guess. 658 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:42,000 How do you stop yourself from turning into that annoying nosy neighbor? 659 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:49,880 You know, the whole thing is this stage from say 40 to 65, which is called as middle adulthood. 660 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:50,880 I love that you said middle. 661 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,880 I did. 662 00:35:53,880 --> 00:36:03,840 So the most important purpose of this stage in terms of psychosocial terms is that you 663 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:11,800 have this need and urge to give, to pass on what you know to someone else. 664 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:13,560 And that's where the mentoring comes in. 665 00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:15,760 That's where volunteering comes in. 666 00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:23,320 That's where taking care of someone else comes in, and that's the difference between I don't 667 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:28,280 give a shit, but I don't turn into a grumpy old person. 668 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,200 That is the difference between that. 669 00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:34,320 So I don't care, you know, because I've lived my life. 670 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,800 I have come to a point where I have my resources. 671 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:40,940 I'm the strongest I've ever been in all kind of sense. 672 00:36:40,940 --> 00:36:46,760 So I don't have to listen to someone else telling me what to do because I've come out 673 00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:49,640 of all the labels that people have given me. 674 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:53,840 I have finally arrived and I know who I am and what I want. 675 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:55,920 So that's very empowering, right? 676 00:36:55,920 --> 00:37:01,720 On the other hand, as I said, sometimes you get fixated on, I know, and this is what's 677 00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:02,720 going to last. 678 00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:03,720 No. 679 00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:09,420 So just to be, just to have that humility that even this will change and I'm open to 680 00:37:09,420 --> 00:37:15,680 change and yet to understand that my main task and purpose is to give in some form, 681 00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:19,520 whether to take care of my parents, whether to take care of my children, whether to find 682 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:20,960 someone else to mentor. 683 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:27,640 So it is good for people to understand that this stage is going to rely a lot on how much 684 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:33,080 of what we have learned can be passed on either in terms of what you're doing, you're passing 685 00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:38,520 on information, writing a book, writing something else for somebody else, or just helping out. 686 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:43,840 Even if it is helping out your neighbor by giving some piece of advice that you have, 687 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:45,760 it's also passing on information. 688 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:52,240 So this age has to understand that this is their role and if they do it, it's beautiful. 689 00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:53,240 Yeah. 690 00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:56,520 I was watching last night the documentary about life in the blue zones and they were 691 00:37:56,520 --> 00:38:01,200 talking about one of the reasons that Singapore is now a blue zone is because of how Singapore 692 00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:06,380 incentivizes multi-generational living and living, you know, having multiple generations 693 00:38:06,380 --> 00:38:07,880 of families living together. 694 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:12,360 And I live in a multi-generational home and I think that resonates so beautifully with 695 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:17,920 the fact that my in-laws can pass on their knowledge to the kids, their knowledge to 696 00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:18,920 myself. 697 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:22,460 You know, my husband and I have a constant reminder of a successful relationship living 698 00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:25,360 in our home, right, his parents, and our kids see that. 699 00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:31,840 And I think that, you know, having access to that information sharing environment and 700 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:35,420 that love and connecting environment is really powerful. 701 00:38:35,420 --> 00:38:40,040 And I think that it benefits us in our 40s and I should definitely say me in my 40s, 702 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:44,840 my husband is young and fresh, and also, you know, his parents in their 60s. 703 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:50,560 I think that everyone is getting a happiness and a mental health benefit just by intergenerate 704 00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,280 multi-generational living. 705 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:54,940 So that's we're coming back to the thing. 706 00:38:54,940 --> 00:38:57,320 Isolation is bad. 707 00:38:57,320 --> 00:38:58,320 We don't. 708 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:02,720 And okay, now, you know, people listening in who might not have the whole family thing 709 00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:06,760 might feel I'm losing out, but that's not the case. 710 00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:12,160 What I'm trying to say is we got to think of, you know, the whole community as a family. 711 00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,740 We have to think of probably even the whole world as a family. 712 00:39:14,740 --> 00:39:20,760 It doesn't have to be, oh, me and my sibling or my daughter or my husband. 713 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:22,520 That's restricting. 714 00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:26,860 What I'm trying to say is the most beautiful part of this stage is to understand we can 715 00:39:26,860 --> 00:39:28,160 open up. 716 00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:32,360 We don't have to start dividing or we don't have to start, you know, restricting ourselves. 717 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:35,760 We can open up and include people, include everybody. 718 00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:37,360 So that's where it is. 719 00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:38,360 Give. 720 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:39,360 Yeah. 721 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:40,360 Amazing. 722 00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:42,960 Priyanka, it's been absolutely incredible having you here today. 723 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:47,260 But before we say goodbye, we do have one final question we would like to ask you. 724 00:39:47,260 --> 00:39:49,640 And it's what's your 40s formula? 725 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:55,000 Can you share any piece of wisdom, advice to our listeners about how you can thrive 726 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:56,000 in your 40s? 727 00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:57,000 Okay. 728 00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,960 I think a little piece of information I have moved out of 40s. 729 00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:06,600 But the thing is, if I say 40s was, or still probably is, if I can just put it in that 730 00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:09,640 way, is really a thriving time. 731 00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:14,080 And I'm reiterating that people start feeling sad that I'm losing out on this, this, this, 732 00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:16,520 this, this, but there's so much to gain. 733 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:17,880 And you flourish. 734 00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:20,200 This is the stage to flourish. 735 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:27,720 My 40s formula is to evolve, to not get fixated on what I think is the best or what I have 736 00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:33,680 known to be the best, which means I'm ready to change. 737 00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:36,520 Someone tells me something that I think is, wow, cool. 738 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:40,000 And that can be a 15-year-old that I just met. 739 00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:41,000 And that's okay. 740 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:42,520 I'm ready to accept. 741 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:43,720 So that's one. 742 00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:46,200 The second thing is to move. 743 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:47,680 And I love dancing. 744 00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:51,680 So you know, like finding different ways to keep moving. 745 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:56,880 And I'm also using it as a symbolic stance that not to stay in one place and not to have 746 00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:00,640 a stagnation in what you do and how you think to move. 747 00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:06,680 And I think just to enjoy the process, not to compete with anyone. 748 00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:12,600 That has been like a real big game changer, not to always compete, look at someone and 749 00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:15,400 see how I'm feeling bad about myself. 750 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:19,200 I think my profession is such that someone else succeeds. 751 00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:20,200 It's good for me. 752 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:21,200 Right? 753 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:26,040 So that also has become my mantra that when I see other people succeed, I'm happy. 754 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:30,240 So there is like too many reasons to be happy then because someone is always succeeding 755 00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:31,240 somewhere. 756 00:41:31,240 --> 00:41:35,080 So yeah, that's how I have. 757 00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:42,880 Another thing that I have to say is to slow down and look inwards, to grow in self-awareness 758 00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:47,040 and to understand what's working and what's not working. 759 00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:52,640 And that's where the instinct comes in to rely more and more on the instinct and go 760 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,640 with it, go with the flow. 761 00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:55,640 Lovely. 762 00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:56,640 Amazing. 763 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:57,640 Thank you so much. 764 00:41:57,640 --> 00:41:58,960 Thank you so much for having me. 765 00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:01,080 Yeah, we are so happy to have had you today, Priyanka. 766 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:02,080 Thank you. 767 00:42:02,080 --> 00:42:03,080 Thank you. 768 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:05,760 This is Paul, our editor. 769 00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:10,440 He's a 25 year old unmarried Singaporean guy listening to the ramblings of 12 older 770 00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:14,000 women on everything from menopause to weightlifting to sex. 771 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:17,240 Paul, what's your thoughts on today's conversation? 772 00:42:17,240 --> 00:42:21,520 So as a young person, I will often question myself like what exactly is happiness? 773 00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:26,520 Because I'm in a situation in life where I'm pretty much not sure about where I would 774 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:30,040 want to take my career and life afterwards. 775 00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:36,400 And the main thing for people around my age, I guess, is probably finance, career directions 776 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:43,160 and a sense of purpose in life, all three of which I'm pretty much lacking at the moment. 777 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:48,680 So I've always wondered how can I be happy and pretty much being less stressed about 778 00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:54,240 all these life issues in my current situation life while staying realistic to things at 779 00:42:54,240 --> 00:42:55,240 the same time. 780 00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,320 So I don't know, just an open question, I guess. 781 00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:01,280 So just another thought for another day. 782 00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:03,960 All right, catch you guys next time. 783 00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:04,960 See you all. 784 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:10,200 Hey guys, did you know that you can leave us questions and comments on FanList? 785 00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:11,200 That's right. 786 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:14,760 On fanlist.com slash the forties formula, you can leave us a voice note where you can 787 00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:18,040 ask us anything, leave us your feedback or just say hi. 788 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:20,440 Sapnam gave us a five star review. 789 00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:21,440 Amazing. 790 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:23,000 What an amazing podcast. 791 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:27,960 Having just hit my 40s, this is relatable, inspiring, funny and right up my street. 792 00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,680 Love the different perspectives and very practical advice. 793 00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:31,760 Thanks ladies. 794 00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,080 We're so glad we were able to inspire you, Sapnam. 795 00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:35,960 Thank you so much. 796 00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:40,680 Before we go, please remember to hit subscribe and take a moment to support the 40s formula 797 00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:44,080 by leaving a review on your favorite podcast platform. 798 00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:47,720 Your reviews will help us to reach more people and allow us to continue to bring valuable 799 00:43:47,720 --> 00:43:48,720 content. 800 00:43:48,720 --> 00:43:52,000 It should only take a moment and it's a free way for you to support the show. 801 00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:56,920 You can also stay updated with the 40s formula by following us on Instagram at the forties 802 00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:57,920 formula. 803 00:43:57,920 --> 00:43:59,000 All one word. 804 00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:02,560 We share behind the scenes insights, episode updates and much more. 805 00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:05,240 So please be sure to hit that follow button. 806 00:44:05,240 --> 00:44:06,880 We appreciate your time and support. 807 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:10,080 Thank you for being part of this community and we'll be back next week for more empowering 808 00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:12,480 conversations with inspiring guests. 809 00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:33,480 Bye. 810 00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:57,840 I have to say you said your past your forties. 811 00:44:57,840 --> 00:44:58,840 You look incredible. 812 00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:03,400 I thought you were like right here with us. 813 00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:05,240 I'm right here with you. 814 00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:07,240 I'm right here with everybody. 815 00:45:07,240 --> 00:45:11,600 I didn't want to say my daughter is his age. 816 00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:12,600 Wow. 817 00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:13,600 No way. 818 00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,600 Do you mind us asking how old you are? 819 00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:16,600 Yeah. 820 00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:17,600 In fifties. 821 00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:18,600 Wow. 822 00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:19,600 You look amazing. 823 00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:20,840 Like I never would have thought so. 824 00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:22,160 I genuinely thought. 825 00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:28,160 In fact, I remember you asking is Pyrrhon Kiernan 40s questioning whether you were in your thirties. 826 00:45:28,160 --> 00:45:29,160 Yes. 827 00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:32,480 We have a couple of guests that are just in their late thirties. 828 00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,200 You know, so they're not in their forties yet. 829 00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:38,360 And then you and one other guest, which I won't call out for her own sake, are past. 830 00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:43,880 But that's great because I feel like you're then giving us the knowledge of going past 831 00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:44,880 your forties. 832 00:45:44,880 --> 00:45:45,880 So amazing. 833 00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:46,880 Yeah. 834 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:47,880 You've been through. 835 00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:48,880 Yeah. 836 00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:49,880 Thank you. 837 00:45:49,880 --> 00:46:15,560 Thank you so much.