Hello and welcome to the 40s Formula, your go-to place for insightful discussions on
navigating your 40s and thriving in this transformative decade.
We're your hosts, Amanda and Jasmin, two women that are passionate about exploring
the challenges and adventures that come with turning 40 and what lies ahead.
Today we're talking with Andrea Tan from the Athena Rising.
Andrea is a certified sex, love and relationship coach who works with individuals and couples
to create an empowered and embodied relationship with their love and intimate lives.
She educates through her monthly workshops and private coaching on sexual wellness and
health as well as Jade-egg coaching for women and emotional healing through a modern Asian
lens.
Andrea has also been featured prominently in media, social media channels, speaking events
and interviews.
She recently published a chapter on sexual health in the women's health book All About
Eve.
I had the pleasure of meeting Andrea at a postpartum event that we did for mummies.
It was the first wellness event that I've been involved with and I've been involved
with so many, right, that we actually considered sexual health as a part of women's health.
And I feel like it's dropped out of the conversation so much.
And when it comes to women in their 40s, I think it gets dropped down the to-do list
as well.
Do you feel that way?
Definitely.
I mean, women in their 40s have so much going on.
It's not just families, it's also their career, what they are building in their life, what
they're creating.
And it becomes part of a to-do list.
And that's the other thing that I noticed when you kind of say, oh, it drops down the
to-do list.
It shouldn't even be on a to-do list.
It's not a chore, it's not a job, it's not something else to get ticked off the list.
And I think, you know, it's funny, you're right, I definitely use that language because
I think in a way that is somehow how I think about it.
And I think that comes as a product of being on this like fertility, trying to get pregnant,
trapping my days, you know, sex is part of an instrumental function of my life.
And it's like, how do you help women that are now done conceiving, okay, for good, how
do you help us get back into thinking about sex as something that's just spontaneous and
fun?
Well, for a lot of women who have just given birth or have a lot of young kids, I always
ask them to take it slowly.
I mean, you took nine months to have a baby, you kind of need a lot of adjustment after
that.
And then the other is also the fact that there are going to be changes.
I think a lot of times we talk about getting back to normal.
But the normal isn't really quite the same normal anymore.
And we do a lot of comparisons.
I think comparisons is what really kills the vibe sometimes because we're like, why can't
we get back to that time?
Why can't I be this way?
Or why can't I react this way?
But it really is about adjusting to a very different schedule.
And this is where your partner is really important because it's teamwork, right?
Yeah, what can he do?
How can he help me?
Yeah.
Let's play the game.
Yeah, I mean, nothing to pick up from my tone here.
No, but yeah, what can partners do to help women through this?
Yeah, so what can they help?
It's really not just with the kids and the baby.
It's also with what can they do to help with the sex life or with pleasure in the bedroom?
Do they have to support in terms of setting up certain environments?
Do they have to make sure that certain schedules are out of the way?
Is it about some things that we say?
We don't often talk with our partner about what we want in intimacy.
I need you to compliment my body, for instance.
We don't often ask for these things, but sometimes it's that simple.
And our partner really appreciates that because they're like, tell me what to do.
Tell me what to do, right?
Oh, girl, you're so right.
It's funny, just as you said that, right?
I can't imagine myself saying to my partner, I need you to tell me that I look hot.
But I think I do.
So I think empowering yourself and your clients, that's what you do, I think, is really important
because it does seem awkward, I think, the first time you would think of approaching
like that.
I mean, what do you think, Jez?
Is that something that you'd walk right in and say?
No, I think it's really weird.
So my husband and I, we've been together for, oh, God fucking hell, 20 years, right?
So for us, it's really different.
I think we're very open with each other.
We just say it as it is.
I don't feel like I need to sort of pacify around him and be like, oh, you know, you
need to tell me I look nice.
I don't know.
I think we have a different relationship so that, you know, if we want something or we
want to say something, we will just say it.
But I feel like there are women out there who cannot, who can't be as open.
And it could just be, am I going to hurt their feelings?
Or does he feel the same way?
Or what does he think?
Like you said, when you have kids, your body does change.
And I feel if we are not content in our body, are we sort of projecting it on to our partners?
And the thing is, you said 20 years, right?
So 20 years is a testimony of how you communicate.
It's precisely that.
And so it's not that, you know, like some women do and some women don't.
But sometimes with the whole business of the change, you know, you're dealing with a newborn.
If you have kids and a newborn, that's like a whole new crazy level, right?
So sometimes we do forget.
So these are reminders.
Like I like to often give my clients just to just remind them, you know, like you can
have that conversation.
You can ask.
It's really not about trying to be over sexual in the conversation.
It's really what do you need from your partner to feel better or to feel more comfortable
in the mood or just to feel less stressed around the new baby.
And when you're working with clients, are you often working with women alone?
Are you working with men alone?
Are you working with couples or do you do all of it?
I do all of it, but predominantly now it's a lot more of women and some couples.
Because when couples work with me, both have to be willing.
And sometimes there's a little bit of mismatch between what they want.
But a lot of women are actively now kind of seeking help and just seeking some sort of
different perspectives.
Yeah.
And when you say like both parties have to be willing, have you had a couple that you've
worked with where you kind of had to drag it out of one of them and the other one was,
you know, one was there to be there.
One was there for the ride type thing.
Yes, often.
But to be fair, it's not because of the circumstances that led them to the session.
You know, sometimes when you decide that this is really something that you want, you know,
especially we're talking intimacy, we're talking pleasure, we're talking getting super comfortable
in your relationship and vulnerable.
And then you start taking the action to get there.
You know, for example, come for a session, you know, get from information.
And when you actually step in that session, it puts you in a whole different space.
And sometimes you do react a little bit differently.
So it could be that as well.
But yeah, I mean, you definitely get that because no two people in the same relationship
are the same.
And I think that's a very important thing for us to take note because often we are kind
of in our space a lot in our head a lot and we forget to see things from our partner's
view.
We think we kind of know, but that's where conversation needs to come in.
Yeah, you're so right.
I have a friend who has been with her partner for a very long time.
They do have kids and she basically confided in me that she just does not have the desire
anymore.
It's just out of a system.
She's still attracted to her husband, but she just has no desire to be intimate.
What would you say to somebody like that when they're at that point where it's just no longer
there?
Well, I mean, there are many reasons why that happens.
And to be honest, out of a bunch of those, one of the reason is, yes, they are just not
really sexually attracted to their partner.
But there could be a lot of other factors as well, especially for women in their 40s.
I find that it's almost like an accumulated level of stress when you have stress that's
coming from different angles, you know, like your family, your career, even other things
in your life, even how you you feel in your relationship.
And these are low level kind of anxiety and stress that kind of cumulates.
It kind of hits a point in your 40s where you're like, enough is enough.
And you know, why don't I just not do anything?
Because that's the easier way out.
So sometimes there is that that segment that I see.
And I often look in terms of how do we reignite some sort of excitement in their life?
It's not just about sex or pleasure, but how do I find that spark again in myself?
You know, what do I associate pleasure with?
Sometimes we go through so much things in the day to day.
We forget what it means to feel pleasure or to feel love, to feel like we receive love.
We're just kind of doing the thing.
We're getting the kids to school.
We're making sure they eat, they sleep.
Right.
There's all of that.
And we're trying to stay sane.
But we forget what it is to feel, to feel pleasure, to feel love and to receive that
feeling from our partner.
So sometimes it's just really about reconnecting with that.
The other is also we often talk about sex and pleasure in like the same sentence.
But really, it is kind of a whole spectrum.
It isn't just whatever happens in the bedroom.
It isn't just that act of sex.
There is a whole spectrum when it comes to intimacy as well.
Yeah.
And that's why I love that you position yourself as like a sex, love and intimacy coach.
Like defining those different things, right?
How do you kind of shift gears between sex, love, intimacy?
Like how do you define each of those differently?
Well, I mean, it really also depends on the cases that come to me and what their goals are
and what they want to achieve.
But sex for me, a lot of the work around sex is really around the techniques, the mindset,
the triggers and even some of the wellness and dysfunction areas that happen that doctors
don't exactly treat when it comes to like sexual pain and things like that.
When it comes to love, a lot of the work is around how is our relationship with our partner
or how is our relationship to dating or to love itself.
It's such a loaded concept.
Love is so big and we have so many stories about it.
We have so many beliefs growing up.
You know, our culture plays a part, our upbringing plays a part.
So what is our relationship to love?
And how do we essentially as human beings embody love?
What does that mean?
You know, we learn a lot of things in school like maths and science and English and different languages.
But we don't really learn what is to embody certain feelings, embody love and how does that feel like?
You know, we're just really out there going through achieving the day.
And when it comes to intimacy, there's a lot more element of interaction with your partner.
What does intimacy mean?
And when I meant the spectrum just now, it was really across like what is physical intimacy like
or emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy.
You know, there's a whole range where we can really connect with our partner.
It doesn't always have to be sex.
In fact, it shouldn't only be and that's where the variety and excitement and the exploration comes in.
It's interesting you say that because your background does make such a huge difference.
I think growing up in an Asian family, I don't think it's the norm to see parents being openly affectionate towards each other.
But I was quite lucky.
So for me, I did see that I did see my parents being affectionate.
But I think a lot of people that I know never saw that.
So even now, they don't, you know, as partners show affection to their husband or their partner in front of their kids.
What would you say to people to, you know, how important is it to sort of normalize this?
Well, I mean, there is this whole idea that we model what we have our kids, right?
But showing affection is, I mean, if we're talking about the physical type of affection or the verbal type,
that's to me one way of showing affection.
And kids sense very different things, you know, they sense a deeper level.
They know if you truly love each other.
So for me, when couples are connecting, if there is love and connection,
if there is that existence of those emotions, it's really just about giving them more tools,
you know, either communications or practices tools to just be able to allow themselves to express to each other in different ways.
But it doesn't always have to be physical or verbal.
I mean, I saw this video online. It's really cute.
And it wasn't really about love and relationship.
I was how about a husband was helping his wife around the house.
Very simple stuff like lifting the...
I feel like I need to show my husband that video.
Well, I mean, it was really interesting because it was a really simple video.
His wife would be sweeping and vacuuming and then he would lift up the carpet, you know,
because then you can get underneath and then she would just go about her thing.
And his kid is just sitting on the other side of the carpet with his toys.
And, you know, that happens for a while.
And then next thing you see, the dad is not around.
But, you know, this is like a toddler, right?
And, you know, his mom is vacuuming again and he tries to lift the carpet.
Aww! That's so cute! That's really sweet!
Yeah. So, like, I mean, in all those instances, the dad didn't go like,
oh, you know, I love you and you're so sexy.
And like, he's not doing like all the physical type of affection.
I mean, we never know.
But what I'm saying is that, you know, often there are many different ways to show that we care.
And that's the other lesson as well for us in relationships, right?
We often want or we think that there are certain ways that we see affection.
And we're like, why aren't you doing this, you know?
So and so's husband does it for her this way.
You know, why aren't you doing that? Why aren't you, you know, doing all this for me?
But generally, you know, if someone is always taking care that you have your tea in the morning,
you know, you have to have that tea in the morning and they're always taking care for you.
That's a lot of affection as well.
And it's great to also kind of show appreciation for these little things.
Oh, I, you know, I noticed you put the tea there. Thank you so much.
Yeah. And that reminds me of obviously the really well-known concept of love languages, right?
That it's important to kind of know your partner's love language and speak it to them, even if it's not yours.
Are you someone who kind of uses the idea of love languages at all?
Well, I feel that love language kind of compartmentalizes it too much.
So it makes it a little bit too rigid.
I just generally like to make it a lot simpler where it's really about start paying attention to the things that your partner does.
I genuinely believe that two people, when they're in a relationship and there is love and affection on some level,
or there is some history together, they don't wake up in the morning trying to piss each other off.
I hope that's true.
Yeah, that's not the intention. They don't go wake up and, let me piss my wife off today.
What am I going to do?
How can I push a button?
Yeah. It's more like, okay, let me see how I can make her feel better.
How can I make her happy?
And it's a whole different level of connection when you see your partner happy with something that you did
and appreciative and they light up because of that.
Which is why I always say, just watch out for the little things and the little appreciation.
For instance, opening of doors.
We find that very common.
It's like, oh, you should do that.
I mean, there are some conversations that I see couples having.
You should be opening the door for me.
But genuinely, I don't see the issue with, if you see your partner doing that,
and your partner maybe has been doing that for the last 10 years and 15 years,
there really is nothing wrong or fake about it.
To just thank your partner when they do that, it's just little things that they really appreciate.
And a man feels quite, he feels quite manly.
When he knows that he has made his partner happy, he does feel quite good about himself.
Yeah. And I think that is something that's important for us to remember that have been in relationships.
I mean, you've been with your partner much longer than I've been with mine,
but that they need appreciation as much as we do.
So we always say, you don't appreciate all the things I do for the kids.
And you don't see all the things I do for the house.
But it's like, do we see the things that they do for the sake of our intimacy and our connection?
And I think that's an equal, they might not express it like we do,
which is why it's even maybe more important that we acknowledge those little things.
Yes.
How did you get into this line of work?
How did you decide that passion was your passion?
Well, OK, let me see if I can make it really concise.
So I started out learning very early on, like you said, Asian household and just kind of upbringing.
I learned that I had to numb my emotions.
I had to just work hard, study hard.
And I had to just dumb down my expression.
Just don't be too expressive and just stay in your lane and do your stuff.
And so as I grew older, I found that there was really something missing and I was doing a lot,
high achieving Asian, right?
So I would be doing all those leadership courses.
I will be looking at executive coaching, leadership coaching, results driven coaching.
And there's something that didn't quite click until I came across the course around orgasms,
pleasure and emotions.
And I was like, wow, you know, we're talking pleasure and we're talking emotions.
Two things that out of all the stuff that I have been exploring were the two things that that seemed to be missing.
And they were in the same connection and space of this course.
So I did the course as a personal student.
And for over two years, I really saw quite a fair bit of change.
It was really about learning how to integrate, I guess, both sides of me,
the part that I thought I had to be strict and aggressive and no emotions because you need to get things done.
This is the side that had to feel and be vulnerable and be open and be open to flow and uncertainty,
which is very much what relationships and intimacy is.
You are being very open to the possibilities that may happen,
but it's also not being having in control of that and being allowing to go with the flow.
And so naturally, after that, I saw the benefits.
And when the coaching certification opened up for the first time, I interviewed applied.
And that was five years ago.
I really enjoyed my time since that because I've seen how transformational it is when we just start exploring such a vulnerable space in our lives,
which is the intimacy and the sexual part of ourselves.
And I love that you use the word vulnerability a lot.
Right. I keep thinking about what you had just mentioned about your friend, Jasmine, how she was like, I'm pretty much done with sex.
Like, I'm pretty much that part of my life is closed. Right.
But, Andre, on your website, you say that kind of sexual health and relationship connection is a journey back to our most authentic selves.
So I think it's interesting, right, because when I hear what you said, Jasmine, it's like this woman who's kind of said, I'm shutting off this part of myself.
And then we have Andre, who's like, actually, let me find let me help you journey back to your most authentic self.
How do you feel that sex, sexual health, partner intimacy, how can that help us find our authentic selves?
Yeah, so I may be I mean, because this is partly my word, but I mean, me going out on the limb to actually like state this.
But I feel one of the most important growth areas in our life is really about how we heal and define our relationship to pleasure and sex.
And that would be probably one of our biggest lesson.
The second biggest will be our relationships, because, you know, anything happens, you know, you're dealing with a human being, you learn a lot of lessons from there.
And why that's the case is because that journey, that journey back to exploring what your sexual health or your self, your sexual self and your relationship to pleasure is, is because it happens on so many levels.
All these different levels of yourself need to be integrated, your physical, your mental, your emotional and your intellectual.
You know, all these need to come along for the right. So it becomes a very holistic journey when it's done with the intention to really just explore experience and find out a little bit more about yourself.
The other is also the experience of pleasure and sex.
And again, I like to use the word pleasure because it isn't always sexual pleasure.
But the experience of pleasure and the experience of sex is really about you being present with your partner, you know, to feel really good in that experience.
You have to be very present with your partner, you have to be very present with yourself.
And you're really talking about activating all your senses at the same time.
So it's really one of the more, I would say, sensationally intense journey just by trying to explore that that space back to what your relationship to pleasure and sex is.
What would you say then for people who are like, oh, we need to schedule it in.
It is always missionary.
You know, there's no there's no spontaneity.
How can people make it more pleasurable without it being, you know, just routine and boring and, you know, as it has been for however long?
Yeah. But also without it being like a whole production also, where it's like, you know, I had to go get a costume and like a whip.
You know, like, is there a happy medium there?
OK, so my pass to this, right.
And I'm a bit controversial in this point where I'll say if it works, if routine and boring and missionary works for the two couples, for the two in the couple, I would say just continue.
You know, don't don't try and fix what's not broken.
But of course, for those who are like looking for a little bit more.
And yes, we don't want the whole production.
I mean, again, we don't have time.
We have so many things going on.
It's also really interesting.
Like, do we have do we have something where we we can kind of switch in that mode a little bit better?
Like, so I like cheat sheets.
I like I like little triggers where do you know what your partner's go to phrase is?
You know, I mean, like, oh, the look.
All that that secret signal.
I like secret signals and secret languages because that's between you and your partner.
And it's really fun because you get to come up with it together.
You get to laugh about it like later on.
And this is something that you develop between yourself.
And these are things that you can kind of use to tease and play with so that when you kind of look at sex later on, it's a lot easier to kind of get in that space.
I do agree that scheduling at some level is important.
I mean, like I said, busy schedules, certain things does get out of mind and we do forget sometimes.
And scheduling it in does allow us to then set some space around it.
So we kind of prepare ourselves or, you know, we kind of know that, OK, I'm preparing for a date.
You kind of take care of yourself emotionally or physically as you kind of move towards that that date or time that you set.
So I think that is important as well.
And, you know, if you don't want the full production, get a I mean, you could always have a little drawer of stuff that you know,
your play drawer, your props drawer.
Yeah. And even if it's, you know, the conversations that you have before sex, so like, you know, what should we do to spice it up?
Should we role play? What should we do?
That particular conversation I always thought was really fun to couples and I always encourage them to do it because it's the actual process of that conversation
that you learn so much about your partner, you know, where you all you start having fun, just even just thinking about the different ways,
even if you don't eventually execute everything.
But like the whole conversation, like, oh, I like to play the waitress at the bar looking for the businessmen who is alone, you know,
then he'd be like, what? You know, that was the thing that you like, you know, or I like to take on a different accent from a different country and see how that goes.
So you learn about different things from your partner and just coming up with these different stories.
It's also really fun. So to use that, that, I guess, planning or discussion process also is a way to create deeper intimacy.
Yeah, I love that. It makes me think of that. I don't know if you guys ever watched Modern Family, that show Modern Family,
but like every year on their anniversary, the two main characters would do this, like the same role play, like they would play the same characters,
they would only play them on like their anniversary or their Valentine's Day.
So it was kind of like this special character they saved where they would pretend they were strangers and meet at the bar.
So it's kind of like, you know, watching that, it was like, oh, that's actually exactly what you're talking about is having this little ritual.
Yeah. And relationships are built on these little stories and moments, right? They're not built on the big stuff.
So when you kind of look back or when you kind of, you know, celebrate anniversaries, you're like, remember we did this or, you know, we only have this.
This is something that only two of you have. So when we talk about building strong relationships where you're connected,
where, you know, a lot of things can happen in the world and how do you continue to stay together and grow together?
These are the things that start to cement that connection.
And I think, you know, it's all fun and games, I will say, to have fun and games.
Meaning like it's fun to talk about role play. It's fun to go maybe the sex toy shop and see what's new.
It's fun to kind of, you know, have these like sexy planning convos. But how about the less fun?
So let's talk about women who are going through either they've gone through sexual trauma in their youth.
They've just recently gone through divorce. They've experienced partner infidelity.
They're not sure what's the next step for their relationship.
How do you help women that are having trouble with their sexual health due to some of these issues that are not maybe sex toy redeemable?
You know, that are a bit deeper.
Yeah. So I do encounter a lot of these cases and often it requires, like you said, safety, you know,
because they don't feel safe. So they do need to first develop a sense of safety in their bodies and just safety with me as well in the session.
So I do spend a lot of time on that, different talk sessions or different practices just to get them in that feeling of safety.
Because once they're in that space, there are a lot of things that they can also develop on their own and explore by themselves, you know, outside the session.
The other is also I like to call the I mean, in my mind, visually, it looks like I'm holding like a balloon and I'm expanding the capacity, their capacity for pleasure.
So they may start out with a very small amount of capacity for pleasure because at that point, you know, just, you know, they're just shrinking themselves and closing up themselves.
And what I'm doing really is not going like, you know, let's take on some new roles and and teach you to be sex goddess tomorrow.
But it's really about you have that little container for pleasure.
Let's allow yourself, since you feel safe enough now to start expanding that container for pleasure.
And so it's a lot of embodiment practices because that so-called containers what they feel within their body, you know, like in their actions, in their thoughts, in their emotions.
And I work to slowly increase that container for pleasure.
And I give them different practices and tools to learn about connection with self so they can practice and they can use it connection with self.
It's really about regulating their nervous system and working in that direction to heal the association that they have with pain from that particular incident or a series of incidents to pleasure.
So it's really about healing that association with pleasure.
Yeah. And I think that's that's a really, really helpful.
I hope that the listeners that need to hear that are hearing that because I think, you know,
repairing that relationship with yourself is probably much more important than what you could ever work on with a partner, at least in that first stage of trauma.
How do you feel? How do you help women that? OK, let's say they don't have any sexual trauma or issues there.
Let's say they have a wonderful connected partner.
So their intimacy relationships are good, but their relationship with their body is so problematic.
They do not feel desirable. They do not feel sexually beautiful.
They do not feel worthy. Even they don't.
They struggle to even take off their clothes with their partner.
How do you help women whose their body image is kind of the big limiter?
So, I mean, with that, I understand.
And every woman on some level, I think, has some degree of that.
So it's really working around building self-love and self-worth with different parts of the body, again, with different practices and tools that I use.
And I like to work towards a concept where, you know how we often say, you know, I want this person to love me for all that I am, you know, like all as I am.
And that's exactly what I work to for those who are working their relationship with self and their body image,
because you really are about loving and encompassing everything, even the parts that you thought were ugly.
And that could not just be body, it could even be smell, sense or what you think there is.
And that's something also with women that they often struggle with as well, especially when it comes to intimate health, like how they smell or how they come off to their partner.
And so it's really about encompassing that whole, all of you, like learning to love all of you, working through steps around self-worth, self-love,
and feeling where you don't need to be a certain body image to be sexy and to be loved.
And when you're operating from that area, I realized that a lot of women, then when their communication partner starts to change, you know,
I don't even have to be there for both of them.
You start to realize that their communication change, their partner reacts differently.
They are able to express what they need.
For example, like I said, you know, if you need your partner to say, you know, no, I really like your body as it is,
and your partner needs to say at least three times, you know, that's what you need.
Then you start being able to express that for yourself as well.
Because the really painful thing about body issues is it doesn't just affect the women.
So when women are, you know, feeling uncomfortable and they're like, you know, I don't feel good about myself, I don't feel sexy,
therefore I don't want to have sex, often when their partners are receiving it, it feels like it's not that you don't want to have sex, you don't have sex with me.
You know, and then all that misunderstanding happens as well.
And so sometimes it's really good to also uncover a little bit of that, you know,
what is it that they're struggling around sexual image and sexual body image when it comes to sex and pleasure?
And what can their partner kind of do to support that in that sense?
So let's say there is no partner.
So I'm thinking of a lot of my girlfriends in their 40s that are, you know, single, ready to mingle.
And, you know, they're struggling with their body image and they don't even want to put themselves out there to even be with a partner, right?
So, you know, they're struggling with their sexuality alone at home, not even feeling, you know, well enough to go kind of seek out sexual partnership.
What advice would you give to single women in their 40s who either, like I said, the friends I'm referring to,
they've never been in a long term partnership, but also those that are re-entering the single world after maybe a long term partnership or marriage?
Yeah. So same thing, like I mentioned just now, a lot of the practices and tools are done with self, but simple things we can do.
You know, the mirror is a great tool to help, you know, that's really something because the mirror is really kind of very visual and in your face.
I usually start off with the less triggering portions. You'll be surprised, like maybe the hair may be a triggering piece for a woman,
but maybe her nose is not so much triggering, but still something she can't reconcile with.
So I start off with that before we move to that, before we move to genitals or like a different parts of the body image.
The other is also, like I said, about building the self love and self worth type of practices.
Do you feel that that part of you is worth giving all that love, you know, and all that acceptance?
It's coming to that stage of their relationship with self.
And when we start building it in pieces, the rest usually kind of falls into place.
I feel like one of the biggest qualities of a woman is once she's confident, she'll project that out.
And then that is quite an attractive, you know, an attractive quality, because I think if you are confident enough to love yourself,
your partner or a prospective partner can see that as well.
Yeah, I think that is a huge part of it, is what you project in terms of your sexuality, like whether you own your own sexuality.
Yeah, I mean, we know when a woman has done her work, we know when a woman is, you know, kind of,
I mean, she doesn't have to have everything, all her ducks in the room, but she kind of has, you know, she's comfortable with her body.
A couple of ducks. Maybe not all the ducks.
We need a few in the room, but like she's comfortable with her body.
We kind of know there's something that radiates out of her.
Women are like magnets. They have that capability to really radiate out so that people kind of,
like it's like a, yeah, I call it a magnet because, you know, people kind of receive that.
And so it's really about working on different practices.
I usually like to start with a few triggering areas in their body image and get them to see, even sometimes take on some roles.
So sometimes you're very stuck in your, you know, in yourself and you like, you can't see yourself in a very different space.
So we do a little bit of different roles. Like what would, okay, let's say if the client's name is Sandra, so what will sexy Sandra do?
What will burlesque dancer Sandra do? For instance, you know, Sandra's getting real.
I like it. Yeah. And just to get them to play with different parts, you know, I like to use a little bit of games and exercises
because it tricks the nervous system as well, because I'm like, you know, this is fun.
We're going to try it for a while. You know, you're going to do practices and you will come back the next session.
You know, if you don't like it within one or two weeks, we can we can change it up again.
Yeah. Could it also work with like, you know, if you've got a pair of heels that you're like, oh my God, these heels make my legs look amazing.
Could you use that to make yourself feel better or, you know, whether it's a particular lipstick or like props, but I'm not talking about sex toy props.
I'm talking about just general things that make you feel good, that make you want to, you know, I guess,
project out that confidence to feel more attractive, to then want to proceed further and I guess be intimate with a partner or with a potential partner, I guess.
Yes, definitely. So that's the cheat sheet thing, right?
If you know that that one thing works for you, have that nearby, right?
There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, for a long time, I'll give my own personal example.
For a long time during the pandemic, we were wearing masks or we never had to go out.
So there was no makeup, right?
And there was it came to a point where I think it was everything about staying in, lack of sun.
And, you know, it was just a very low period.
And there was just so much to do around the house, make sure everybody is like either healthy or fat.
You know, we can't even have groceries because of the number of times we can go down to the supermarket, things like that.
And it was a very, very low period.
And the day that we had some areas open up that you didn't need a mask, I knew I could wear lipstick.
And that red lipstick changed everything for me.
I mean, it really lifted me up. And it's so simple, right?
And it's nothing superficial about that.
I mean, we do a lot of things by ourselves, sometimes using a little tool like sex toys or like a lipstick or like even just
that coat or that shirt or that inner wear.
You know, it's OK. It's OK to help.
And you know, you've got that sexy red.
Yeah, I was saying, I was like, and you brought your red lips for us today.
So I can tell, you know, you're bringing the sexiness for us, girl.
And I appreciate that.
Well, we do have to wrap up here, Andrea.
But again, you've given us, I think, infinite tools for, you know, how we can improve our relationships with ourselves, our bodies, our sexual health.
What would you tell women in their 40s is your 40s formula?
How do you help women thrive and feel their best in their 40s?
Give us your best formula that we can that we can apply in our own lives.
Well, I guess I can say it's I mean, because I'm in my 40s.
So this is something that it's very dear to me.
I do believe that it's something that I live by because I'm also in my 40s.
And I do believe as women, we are meant to really be able to express ourselves in many, many different ways.
We have not been given the chance and the permission sometimes, or we've just not been taught that it's safe to do so.
So really, for me, the 40s formula is when I say I really love my life.
I mean, I know that sounds like a little cliche, but the way I love it is I'm very much about being very present and experiencing every moment, whether it's interaction with someone.
And I think that is what really excites me.
That's really what allows me to explore different expressions.
And I guess also in my 40s, I'm less, I guess, conscious than in my 20s and 30s.
So experimentation, exploring how I like to express myself.
I don't restrict myself as much.
You know, I don't think that I have to be one image or the other.
So for those in their 40s, I really encourage just more expression, you know, play around with different things, see what works for you.
You have many different parts of you.
Just allow those to come out and trust in the women around you.
I think when we're in our 40s, we understand that having a community is very important.
Sisterhood is important.
You know, have these women support you in your journey and you support them as well.
Amazing. That's the no shits given hashtag.
I think we need to.
I feel like that is a unifying theme for our podcast here is no shits given and be bold, right?
Make your choices.
And own them in this decade.
Well, thank you so much, Andrea, for being with us.
We really appreciate your insights and we're so happy that you took the time with us today.
No, thank you for having me here.
Thank you.
This is Paul, our editor.
He's a 25 year old unmarried Singaporean guy listening to the ramblings of 12 older women on everything from menopause to weightlifting to sex.
So, Paul, what's your thoughts on today's conversation?
So for me personally, I'm actually unmarried, but I do have a partner.
So, you know, initially I had a stereotype that being, you know, being a sex coach means that you need to talk about like sex related advice.
But I didn't quite realize it also encompasses much more than just that, you know, we talk about like relational side of things or the emotional side of things between partners.
So I feel my perception on that has changed and well, I guess having a sex and relationship coach can be beneficial if you need one, I guess.
Yeah.
All right. Anyway, catch you guys next time.
See y'all.
Bye bye.
Be sure to hit that follow button.
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Thank you for being part of this community and we'll be back next week for more empowering conversations with inspiring guests.
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This is, I always say this is like I am giving you the best I have.
This is all I can do.
I mean without being too like, you know, without having an entourage.
Yeah.
Yes, exactly girl.
My entourage is my kids, which they are not help, that's not a glam squad.
Yeah, not helpful.
They're not the ones making me look better or else, no they actually are.
To be honest, especially my daughter, she's ridiculous.
They had their children's day carnival yesterday.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it was her first time ever playing musical chairs and she won.
Amazing.
And the teacher like sent me this whole thing of her sitting in that last chair and like
Louise won musical chairs.
I was like wow.
What a great day for her.