1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:21,240
Hello and welcome to the 40s Formula, your go-to place for insightful discussions on

2
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:24,880
navigating your 40s and thriving in this transformative decade.

3
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:29,320
We're your hosts, Amanda and Jasmin, two women that are passionate about exploring

4
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:41,800
the challenges and adventures that come with turning 40 and what lies ahead.

5
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,000
Today we're talking with Andrea Tan from the Athena Rising.

6
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:51,000
Andrea is a certified sex, love and relationship coach who works with individuals and couples

7
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:55,560
to create an empowered and embodied relationship with their love and intimate lives.

8
00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:59,640
She educates through her monthly workshops and private coaching on sexual wellness and

9
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:04,680
health as well as Jade-egg coaching for women and emotional healing through a modern Asian

10
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:05,680
lens.

11
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:10,280
Andrea has also been featured prominently in media, social media channels, speaking events

12
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,560
and interviews.

13
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:15,960
She recently published a chapter on sexual health in the women's health book All About

14
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,280
Eve.

15
00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:21,560
I had the pleasure of meeting Andrea at a postpartum event that we did for mummies.

16
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:26,160
It was the first wellness event that I've been involved with and I've been involved

17
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:31,840
with so many, right, that we actually considered sexual health as a part of women's health.

18
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:35,360
And I feel like it's dropped out of the conversation so much.

19
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:39,880
And when it comes to women in their 40s, I think it gets dropped down the to-do list

20
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:40,880
as well.

21
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,200
Do you feel that way?

22
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,200
Definitely.

23
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,520
I mean, women in their 40s have so much going on.

24
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:49,160
It's not just families, it's also their career, what they are building in their life, what

25
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:50,760
they're creating.

26
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,680
And it becomes part of a to-do list.

27
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,600
And that's the other thing that I noticed when you kind of say, oh, it drops down the

28
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,600
to-do list.

29
00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:00,600
It shouldn't even be on a to-do list.

30
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:06,280
It's not a chore, it's not a job, it's not something else to get ticked off the list.

31
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,200
And I think, you know, it's funny, you're right, I definitely use that language because

32
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,200
I think in a way that is somehow how I think about it.

33
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:16,920
And I think that comes as a product of being on this like fertility, trying to get pregnant,

34
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:22,400
trapping my days, you know, sex is part of an instrumental function of my life.

35
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:27,320
And it's like, how do you help women that are now done conceiving, okay, for good, how

36
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:31,160
do you help us get back into thinking about sex as something that's just spontaneous and

37
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,160
fun?

38
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:38,600
Well, for a lot of women who have just given birth or have a lot of young kids, I always

39
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:39,840
ask them to take it slowly.

40
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:44,200
I mean, you took nine months to have a baby, you kind of need a lot of adjustment after

41
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,200
that.

42
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,160
And then the other is also the fact that there are going to be changes.

43
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:51,240
I think a lot of times we talk about getting back to normal.

44
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,160
But the normal isn't really quite the same normal anymore.

45
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:55,320
And we do a lot of comparisons.

46
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:58,960
I think comparisons is what really kills the vibe sometimes because we're like, why can't

47
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,200
we get back to that time?

48
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,520
Why can't I be this way?

49
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:03,880
Or why can't I react this way?

50
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:07,320
But it really is about adjusting to a very different schedule.

51
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,880
And this is where your partner is really important because it's teamwork, right?

52
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:11,960
Yeah, what can he do?

53
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:12,960
How can he help me?

54
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:13,960
Yeah.

55
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,960
Let's play the game.

56
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,920
Yeah, I mean, nothing to pick up from my tone here.

57
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,560
No, but yeah, what can partners do to help women through this?

58
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:22,720
Yeah, so what can they help?

59
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,640
It's really not just with the kids and the baby.

60
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:30,280
It's also with what can they do to help with the sex life or with pleasure in the bedroom?

61
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:34,440
Do they have to support in terms of setting up certain environments?

62
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:38,040
Do they have to make sure that certain schedules are out of the way?

63
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:39,640
Is it about some things that we say?

64
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:43,840
We don't often talk with our partner about what we want in intimacy.

65
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,760
I need you to compliment my body, for instance.

66
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,520
We don't often ask for these things, but sometimes it's that simple.

67
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:54,200
And our partner really appreciates that because they're like, tell me what to do.

68
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,200
Tell me what to do, right?

69
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,640
Oh, girl, you're so right.

70
00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,400
It's funny, just as you said that, right?

71
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:03,600
I can't imagine myself saying to my partner, I need you to tell me that I look hot.

72
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,960
But I think I do.

73
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:10,160
So I think empowering yourself and your clients, that's what you do, I think, is really important

74
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:14,280
because it does seem awkward, I think, the first time you would think of approaching

75
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:15,280
like that.

76
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:16,280
I mean, what do you think, Jez?

77
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,720
Is that something that you'd walk right in and say?

78
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:19,720
No, I think it's really weird.

79
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:24,080
So my husband and I, we've been together for, oh, God fucking hell, 20 years, right?

80
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,280
So for us, it's really different.

81
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,260
I think we're very open with each other.

82
00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:29,260
We just say it as it is.

83
00:04:29,260 --> 00:04:33,240
I don't feel like I need to sort of pacify around him and be like, oh, you know, you

84
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:36,040
need to tell me I look nice.

85
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,040
I don't know.

86
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:41,440
I think we have a different relationship so that, you know, if we want something or we

87
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,000
want to say something, we will just say it.

88
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:48,320
But I feel like there are women out there who cannot, who can't be as open.

89
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,040
And it could just be, am I going to hurt their feelings?

90
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,480
Or does he feel the same way?

91
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,360
Or what does he think?

92
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,000
Like you said, when you have kids, your body does change.

93
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:05,960
And I feel if we are not content in our body, are we sort of projecting it on to our partners?

94
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,920
And the thing is, you said 20 years, right?

95
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,640
So 20 years is a testimony of how you communicate.

96
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,720
It's precisely that.

97
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:16,480
And so it's not that, you know, like some women do and some women don't.

98
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:21,240
But sometimes with the whole business of the change, you know, you're dealing with a newborn.

99
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,640
If you have kids and a newborn, that's like a whole new crazy level, right?

100
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:25,640
So sometimes we do forget.

101
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:26,640
So these are reminders.

102
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:30,200
Like I like to often give my clients just to just remind them, you know, like you can

103
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,600
have that conversation.

104
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:32,600
You can ask.

105
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,400
It's really not about trying to be over sexual in the conversation.

106
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:43,120
It's really what do you need from your partner to feel better or to feel more comfortable

107
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:47,320
in the mood or just to feel less stressed around the new baby.

108
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,920
And when you're working with clients, are you often working with women alone?

109
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,360
Are you working with men alone?

110
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,800
Are you working with couples or do you do all of it?

111
00:05:54,800 --> 00:06:01,320
I do all of it, but predominantly now it's a lot more of women and some couples.

112
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,680
Because when couples work with me, both have to be willing.

113
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:08,160
And sometimes there's a little bit of mismatch between what they want.

114
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:12,960
But a lot of women are actively now kind of seeking help and just seeking some sort of

115
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:13,960
different perspectives.

116
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:14,960
Yeah.

117
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:19,240
And when you say like both parties have to be willing, have you had a couple that you've

118
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:23,040
worked with where you kind of had to drag it out of one of them and the other one was,

119
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,360
you know, one was there to be there.

120
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,320
One was there for the ride type thing.

121
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,080
Yes, often.

122
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:32,800
But to be fair, it's not because of the circumstances that led them to the session.

123
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,120
You know, sometimes when you decide that this is really something that you want, you know,

124
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,720
especially we're talking intimacy, we're talking pleasure, we're talking getting super comfortable

125
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,080
in your relationship and vulnerable.

126
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:46,240
And then you start taking the action to get there.

127
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,000
You know, for example, come for a session, you know, get from information.

128
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,120
And when you actually step in that session, it puts you in a whole different space.

129
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,900
And sometimes you do react a little bit differently.

130
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:55,320
So it could be that as well.

131
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:59,280
But yeah, I mean, you definitely get that because no two people in the same relationship

132
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,280
are the same.

133
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:04,160
And I think that's a very important thing for us to take note because often we are kind

134
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:10,760
of in our space a lot in our head a lot and we forget to see things from our partner's

135
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:11,760
view.

136
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:15,160
We think we kind of know, but that's where conversation needs to come in.

137
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,560
Yeah, you're so right.

138
00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:21,160
I have a friend who has been with her partner for a very long time.

139
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:27,400
They do have kids and she basically confided in me that she just does not have the desire

140
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,400
anymore.

141
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,720
It's just out of a system.

142
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:35,040
She's still attracted to her husband, but she just has no desire to be intimate.

143
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:39,680
What would you say to somebody like that when they're at that point where it's just no longer

144
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,680
there?

145
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,860
Well, I mean, there are many reasons why that happens.

146
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:48,720
And to be honest, out of a bunch of those, one of the reason is, yes, they are just not

147
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,680
really sexually attracted to their partner.

148
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:55,600
But there could be a lot of other factors as well, especially for women in their 40s.

149
00:07:55,600 --> 00:08:00,760
I find that it's almost like an accumulated level of stress when you have stress that's

150
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:05,140
coming from different angles, you know, like your family, your career, even other things

151
00:08:05,140 --> 00:08:09,160
in your life, even how you you feel in your relationship.

152
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:13,200
And these are low level kind of anxiety and stress that kind of cumulates.

153
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,960
It kind of hits a point in your 40s where you're like, enough is enough.

154
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:20,040
And you know, why don't I just not do anything?

155
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:21,120
Because that's the easier way out.

156
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:26,200
So sometimes there is that that segment that I see.

157
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:29,960
And I often look in terms of how do we reignite some sort of excitement in their life?

158
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:35,240
It's not just about sex or pleasure, but how do I find that spark again in myself?

159
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,240
You know, what do I associate pleasure with?

160
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,720
Sometimes we go through so much things in the day to day.

161
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:46,120
We forget what it means to feel pleasure or to feel love, to feel like we receive love.

162
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,600
We're just kind of doing the thing.

163
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:48,720
We're getting the kids to school.

164
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,560
We're making sure they eat, they sleep.

165
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:50,840
Right.

166
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:51,920
There's all of that.

167
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,440
And we're trying to stay sane.

168
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:58,040
But we forget what it is to feel, to feel pleasure, to feel love and to receive that

169
00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,480
feeling from our partner.

170
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,200
So sometimes it's just really about reconnecting with that.

171
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:06,240
The other is also we often talk about sex and pleasure in like the same sentence.

172
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,360
But really, it is kind of a whole spectrum.

173
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,560
It isn't just whatever happens in the bedroom.

174
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,840
It isn't just that act of sex.

175
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,240
There is a whole spectrum when it comes to intimacy as well.

176
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:16,880
Yeah.

177
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:22,160
And that's why I love that you position yourself as like a sex, love and intimacy coach.

178
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:25,040
Like defining those different things, right?

179
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:29,120
How do you kind of shift gears between sex, love, intimacy?

180
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,320
Like how do you define each of those differently?

181
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:39,120
Well, I mean, it really also depends on the cases that come to me and what their goals are

182
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,640
and what they want to achieve.

183
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:45,680
But sex for me, a lot of the work around sex is really around the techniques, the mindset,

184
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:51,360
the triggers and even some of the wellness and dysfunction areas that happen that doctors

185
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:55,960
don't exactly treat when it comes to like sexual pain and things like that.

186
00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:02,360
When it comes to love, a lot of the work is around how is our relationship with our partner

187
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:06,480
or how is our relationship to dating or to love itself.

188
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,360
It's such a loaded concept.

189
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:13,040
Love is so big and we have so many stories about it.

190
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,600
We have so many beliefs growing up.

191
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,440
You know, our culture plays a part, our upbringing plays a part.

192
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,560
So what is our relationship to love?

193
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,880
And how do we essentially as human beings embody love?

194
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:23,760
What does that mean?

195
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:30,200
You know, we learn a lot of things in school like maths and science and English and different languages.

196
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:37,520
But we don't really learn what is to embody certain feelings, embody love and how does that feel like?

197
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,360
You know, we're just really out there going through achieving the day.

198
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,960
And when it comes to intimacy, there's a lot more element of interaction with your partner.

199
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,040
What does intimacy mean?

200
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:50,920
And when I meant the spectrum just now, it was really across like what is physical intimacy like

201
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,680
or emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy.

202
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:58,280
You know, there's a whole range where we can really connect with our partner.

203
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,200
It doesn't always have to be sex.

204
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:06,240
In fact, it shouldn't only be and that's where the variety and excitement and the exploration comes in.

205
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,520
It's interesting you say that because your background does make such a huge difference.

206
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:17,120
I think growing up in an Asian family, I don't think it's the norm to see parents being openly affectionate towards each other.

207
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:17,880
But I was quite lucky.

208
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,480
So for me, I did see that I did see my parents being affectionate.

209
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,120
But I think a lot of people that I know never saw that.

210
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:32,520
So even now, they don't, you know, as partners show affection to their husband or their partner in front of their kids.

211
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:38,240
What would you say to people to, you know, how important is it to sort of normalize this?

212
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:43,160
Well, I mean, there is this whole idea that we model what we have our kids, right?

213
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:48,800
But showing affection is, I mean, if we're talking about the physical type of affection or the verbal type,

214
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,080
that's to me one way of showing affection.

215
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,480
And kids sense very different things, you know, they sense a deeper level.

216
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,520
They know if you truly love each other.

217
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:02,240
So for me, when couples are connecting, if there is love and connection,

218
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:07,800
if there is that existence of those emotions, it's really just about giving them more tools,

219
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:15,320
you know, either communications or practices tools to just be able to allow themselves to express to each other in different ways.

220
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,800
But it doesn't always have to be physical or verbal.

221
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,720
I mean, I saw this video online. It's really cute.

222
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,680
And it wasn't really about love and relationship.

223
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:27,480
I was how about a husband was helping his wife around the house.

224
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,040
Very simple stuff like lifting the...

225
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:32,400
I feel like I need to show my husband that video.

226
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,760
Well, I mean, it was really interesting because it was a really simple video.

227
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:41,600
His wife would be sweeping and vacuuming and then he would lift up the carpet, you know,

228
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:45,360
because then you can get underneath and then she would just go about her thing.

229
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,400
And his kid is just sitting on the other side of the carpet with his toys.

230
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,400
And, you know, that happens for a while.

231
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,040
And then next thing you see, the dad is not around.

232
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,080
But, you know, this is like a toddler, right?

233
00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:00,280
And, you know, his mom is vacuuming again and he tries to lift the carpet.

234
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,280
Aww! That's so cute! That's really sweet!

235
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,360
Yeah. So, like, I mean, in all those instances, the dad didn't go like,

236
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,000
oh, you know, I love you and you're so sexy.

237
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,880
And like, he's not doing like all the physical type of affection.

238
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:12,840
I mean, we never know.

239
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:17,480
But what I'm saying is that, you know, often there are many different ways to show that we care.

240
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,880
And that's the other lesson as well for us in relationships, right?

241
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:25,960
We often want or we think that there are certain ways that we see affection.

242
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,640
And we're like, why aren't you doing this, you know?

243
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,120
So and so's husband does it for her this way.

244
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:33,920
You know, why aren't you doing that? Why aren't you, you know, doing all this for me?

245
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:40,200
But generally, you know, if someone is always taking care that you have your tea in the morning,

246
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,960
you know, you have to have that tea in the morning and they're always taking care for you.

247
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,880
That's a lot of affection as well.

248
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,280
And it's great to also kind of show appreciation for these little things.

249
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:51,440
Oh, I, you know, I noticed you put the tea there. Thank you so much.

250
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:56,440
Yeah. And that reminds me of obviously the really well-known concept of love languages, right?

251
00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:01,520
That it's important to kind of know your partner's love language and speak it to them, even if it's not yours.

252
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,520
Are you someone who kind of uses the idea of love languages at all?

253
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:09,400
Well, I feel that love language kind of compartmentalizes it too much.

254
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,440
So it makes it a little bit too rigid.

255
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:18,720
I just generally like to make it a lot simpler where it's really about start paying attention to the things that your partner does.

256
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:24,720
I genuinely believe that two people, when they're in a relationship and there is love and affection on some level,

257
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:30,480
or there is some history together, they don't wake up in the morning trying to piss each other off.

258
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,480
I hope that's true.

259
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,840
Yeah, that's not the intention. They don't go wake up and, let me piss my wife off today.

260
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:35,600
What am I going to do?

261
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:36,600
How can I push a button?

262
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:41,120
Yeah. It's more like, okay, let me see how I can make her feel better.

263
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:42,120
How can I make her happy?

264
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:47,840
And it's a whole different level of connection when you see your partner happy with something that you did

265
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:50,280
and appreciative and they light up because of that.

266
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:55,160
Which is why I always say, just watch out for the little things and the little appreciation.

267
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,960
For instance, opening of doors.

268
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,480
We find that very common.

269
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,880
It's like, oh, you should do that.

270
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,560
I mean, there are some conversations that I see couples having.

271
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,440
You should be opening the door for me.

272
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:11,480
But genuinely, I don't see the issue with, if you see your partner doing that,

273
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,640
and your partner maybe has been doing that for the last 10 years and 15 years,

274
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,840
there really is nothing wrong or fake about it.

275
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:21,520
To just thank your partner when they do that, it's just little things that they really appreciate.

276
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:27,840
And a man feels quite, he feels quite manly.

277
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,680
When he knows that he has made his partner happy, he does feel quite good about himself.

278
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:35,200
Yeah. And I think that is something that's important for us to remember that have been in relationships.

279
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,560
I mean, you've been with your partner much longer than I've been with mine,

280
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:41,240
but that they need appreciation as much as we do.

281
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,840
So we always say, you don't appreciate all the things I do for the kids.

282
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,520
And you don't see all the things I do for the house.

283
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:50,240
But it's like, do we see the things that they do for the sake of our intimacy and our connection?

284
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:54,640
And I think that's an equal, they might not express it like we do,

285
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,840
which is why it's even maybe more important that we acknowledge those little things.

286
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:58,320
Yes.

287
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,680
How did you get into this line of work?

288
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:03,720
How did you decide that passion was your passion?

289
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,280
Well, OK, let me see if I can make it really concise.

290
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,880
So I started out learning very early on, like you said, Asian household and just kind of upbringing.

291
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:14,960
I learned that I had to numb my emotions.

292
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,080
I had to just work hard, study hard.

293
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,720
And I had to just dumb down my expression.

294
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:25,560
Just don't be too expressive and just stay in your lane and do your stuff.

295
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:30,520
And so as I grew older, I found that there was really something missing and I was doing a lot,

296
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:31,760
high achieving Asian, right?

297
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:34,640
So I would be doing all those leadership courses.

298
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:39,440
I will be looking at executive coaching, leadership coaching, results driven coaching.

299
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:45,280
And there's something that didn't quite click until I came across the course around orgasms,

300
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,280
pleasure and emotions.

301
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,680
And I was like, wow, you know, we're talking pleasure and we're talking emotions.

302
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:56,600
Two things that out of all the stuff that I have been exploring were the two things that that seemed to be missing.

303
00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:01,280
And they were in the same connection and space of this course.

304
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,200
So I did the course as a personal student.

305
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:08,120
And for over two years, I really saw quite a fair bit of change.

306
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:13,040
It was really about learning how to integrate, I guess, both sides of me,

307
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:19,560
the part that I thought I had to be strict and aggressive and no emotions because you need to get things done.

308
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:26,280
This is the side that had to feel and be vulnerable and be open and be open to flow and uncertainty,

309
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,600
which is very much what relationships and intimacy is.

310
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,760
You are being very open to the possibilities that may happen,

311
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:38,280
but it's also not being having in control of that and being allowing to go with the flow.

312
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,960
And so naturally, after that, I saw the benefits.

313
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:46,480
And when the coaching certification opened up for the first time, I interviewed applied.

314
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,680
And that was five years ago.

315
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:57,000
I really enjoyed my time since that because I've seen how transformational it is when we just start exploring such a vulnerable space in our lives,

316
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,120
which is the intimacy and the sexual part of ourselves.

317
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,200
And I love that you use the word vulnerability a lot.

318
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:07,240
Right. I keep thinking about what you had just mentioned about your friend, Jasmine, how she was like, I'm pretty much done with sex.

319
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,120
Like, I'm pretty much that part of my life is closed. Right.

320
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:19,080
But, Andre, on your website, you say that kind of sexual health and relationship connection is a journey back to our most authentic selves.

321
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:25,520
So I think it's interesting, right, because when I hear what you said, Jasmine, it's like this woman who's kind of said, I'm shutting off this part of myself.

322
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:31,520
And then we have Andre, who's like, actually, let me find let me help you journey back to your most authentic self.

323
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:37,920
How do you feel that sex, sexual health, partner intimacy, how can that help us find our authentic selves?

324
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:43,320
Yeah, so I may be I mean, because this is partly my word, but I mean, me going out on the limb to actually like state this.

325
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:54,760
But I feel one of the most important growth areas in our life is really about how we heal and define our relationship to pleasure and sex.

326
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,000
And that would be probably one of our biggest lesson.

327
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:04,320
The second biggest will be our relationships, because, you know, anything happens, you know, you're dealing with a human being, you learn a lot of lessons from there.

328
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:16,120
And why that's the case is because that journey, that journey back to exploring what your sexual health or your self, your sexual self and your relationship to pleasure is, is because it happens on so many levels.

329
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:22,000
All these different levels of yourself need to be integrated, your physical, your mental, your emotional and your intellectual.

330
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:33,800
You know, all these need to come along for the right. So it becomes a very holistic journey when it's done with the intention to really just explore experience and find out a little bit more about yourself.

331
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,880
The other is also the experience of pleasure and sex.

332
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,280
And again, I like to use the word pleasure because it isn't always sexual pleasure.

333
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:50,200
But the experience of pleasure and the experience of sex is really about you being present with your partner, you know, to feel really good in that experience.

334
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,400
You have to be very present with your partner, you have to be very present with yourself.

335
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,360
And you're really talking about activating all your senses at the same time.

336
00:19:56,360 --> 00:20:08,480
So it's really one of the more, I would say, sensationally intense journey just by trying to explore that that space back to what your relationship to pleasure and sex is.

337
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,840
What would you say then for people who are like, oh, we need to schedule it in.

338
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,800
It is always missionary.

339
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,640
You know, there's no there's no spontaneity.

340
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:25,160
How can people make it more pleasurable without it being, you know, just routine and boring and, you know, as it has been for however long?

341
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:31,440
Yeah. But also without it being like a whole production also, where it's like, you know, I had to go get a costume and like a whip.

342
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,920
You know, like, is there a happy medium there?

343
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,320
OK, so my pass to this, right.

344
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:46,440
And I'm a bit controversial in this point where I'll say if it works, if routine and boring and missionary works for the two couples, for the two in the couple, I would say just continue.

345
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,160
You know, don't don't try and fix what's not broken.

346
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,160
But of course, for those who are like looking for a little bit more.

347
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,840
And yes, we don't want the whole production.

348
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,200
I mean, again, we don't have time.

349
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,960
We have so many things going on.

350
00:20:58,960 --> 00:20:59,960
It's also really interesting.

351
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:06,480
Like, do we have do we have something where we we can kind of switch in that mode a little bit better?

352
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:07,840
Like, so I like cheat sheets.

353
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:14,480
I like I like little triggers where do you know what your partner's go to phrase is?

354
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,160
You know, I mean, like, oh, the look.

355
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,920
All that that secret signal.

356
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:23,240
I like secret signals and secret languages because that's between you and your partner.

357
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,640
And it's really fun because you get to come up with it together.

358
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,920
You get to laugh about it like later on.

359
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,680
And this is something that you develop between yourself.

360
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:41,280
And these are things that you can kind of use to tease and play with so that when you kind of look at sex later on, it's a lot easier to kind of get in that space.

361
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,200
I do agree that scheduling at some level is important.

362
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:49,760
I mean, like I said, busy schedules, certain things does get out of mind and we do forget sometimes.

363
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,560
And scheduling it in does allow us to then set some space around it.

364
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:58,760
So we kind of prepare ourselves or, you know, we kind of know that, OK, I'm preparing for a date.

365
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:06,360
You kind of take care of yourself emotionally or physically as you kind of move towards that that date or time that you set.

366
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,320
So I think that is important as well.

367
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:13,880
And, you know, if you don't want the full production, get a I mean, you could always have a little drawer of stuff that you know,

368
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,920
your play drawer, your props drawer.

369
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:23,600
Yeah. And even if it's, you know, the conversations that you have before sex, so like, you know, what should we do to spice it up?

370
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,200
Should we role play? What should we do?

371
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:32,320
That particular conversation I always thought was really fun to couples and I always encourage them to do it because it's the actual process of that conversation

372
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:39,560
that you learn so much about your partner, you know, where you all you start having fun, just even just thinking about the different ways,

373
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:42,760
even if you don't eventually execute everything.

374
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:52,160
But like the whole conversation, like, oh, I like to play the waitress at the bar looking for the businessmen who is alone, you know,

375
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:59,040
then he'd be like, what? You know, that was the thing that you like, you know, or I like to take on a different accent from a different country and see how that goes.

376
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:04,720
So you learn about different things from your partner and just coming up with these different stories.

377
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:12,720
It's also really fun. So to use that, that, I guess, planning or discussion process also is a way to create deeper intimacy.

378
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,640
Yeah, I love that. It makes me think of that. I don't know if you guys ever watched Modern Family, that show Modern Family,

379
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:22,520
but like every year on their anniversary, the two main characters would do this, like the same role play, like they would play the same characters,

380
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,720
they would only play them on like their anniversary or their Valentine's Day.

381
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:30,400
So it was kind of like this special character they saved where they would pretend they were strangers and meet at the bar.

382
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:36,680
So it's kind of like, you know, watching that, it was like, oh, that's actually exactly what you're talking about is having this little ritual.

383
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:42,280
Yeah. And relationships are built on these little stories and moments, right? They're not built on the big stuff.

384
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:48,400
So when you kind of look back or when you kind of, you know, celebrate anniversaries, you're like, remember we did this or, you know, we only have this.

385
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:53,800
This is something that only two of you have. So when we talk about building strong relationships where you're connected,

386
00:23:53,800 --> 00:24:00,240
where, you know, a lot of things can happen in the world and how do you continue to stay together and grow together?

387
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:04,600
These are the things that start to cement that connection.

388
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:08,520
And I think, you know, it's all fun and games, I will say, to have fun and games.

389
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:13,360
Meaning like it's fun to talk about role play. It's fun to go maybe the sex toy shop and see what's new.

390
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:18,760
It's fun to kind of, you know, have these like sexy planning convos. But how about the less fun?

391
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:23,360
So let's talk about women who are going through either they've gone through sexual trauma in their youth.

392
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:27,640
They've just recently gone through divorce. They've experienced partner infidelity.

393
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,280
They're not sure what's the next step for their relationship.

394
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:38,520
How do you help women that are having trouble with their sexual health due to some of these issues that are not maybe sex toy redeemable?

395
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,800
You know, that are a bit deeper.

396
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:49,080
Yeah. So I do encounter a lot of these cases and often it requires, like you said, safety, you know,

397
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:56,320
because they don't feel safe. So they do need to first develop a sense of safety in their bodies and just safety with me as well in the session.

398
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:05,080
So I do spend a lot of time on that, different talk sessions or different practices just to get them in that feeling of safety.

399
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:12,600
Because once they're in that space, there are a lot of things that they can also develop on their own and explore by themselves, you know, outside the session.

400
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:22,760
The other is also I like to call the I mean, in my mind, visually, it looks like I'm holding like a balloon and I'm expanding the capacity, their capacity for pleasure.

401
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:31,760
So they may start out with a very small amount of capacity for pleasure because at that point, you know, just, you know, they're just shrinking themselves and closing up themselves.

402
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:38,400
And what I'm doing really is not going like, you know, let's take on some new roles and and teach you to be sex goddess tomorrow.

403
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,480
But it's really about you have that little container for pleasure.

404
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:48,000
Let's allow yourself, since you feel safe enough now to start expanding that container for pleasure.

405
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:58,840
And so it's a lot of embodiment practices because that so-called containers what they feel within their body, you know, like in their actions, in their thoughts, in their emotions.

406
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:03,040
And I work to slowly increase that container for pleasure.

407
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:10,200
And I give them different practices and tools to learn about connection with self so they can practice and they can use it connection with self.

408
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:23,040
It's really about regulating their nervous system and working in that direction to heal the association that they have with pain from that particular incident or a series of incidents to pleasure.

409
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,440
So it's really about healing that association with pleasure.

410
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,240
Yeah. And I think that's that's a really, really helpful.

411
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,360
I hope that the listeners that need to hear that are hearing that because I think, you know,

412
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:40,200
repairing that relationship with yourself is probably much more important than what you could ever work on with a partner, at least in that first stage of trauma.

413
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:45,600
How do you feel? How do you help women that? OK, let's say they don't have any sexual trauma or issues there.

414
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,680
Let's say they have a wonderful connected partner.

415
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:53,280
So their intimacy relationships are good, but their relationship with their body is so problematic.

416
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,760
They do not feel desirable. They do not feel sexually beautiful.

417
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,200
They do not feel worthy. Even they don't.

418
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,840
They struggle to even take off their clothes with their partner.

419
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:06,440
How do you help women whose their body image is kind of the big limiter?

420
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:08,720
So, I mean, with that, I understand.

421
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:13,760
And every woman on some level, I think, has some degree of that.

422
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:23,360
So it's really working around building self-love and self-worth with different parts of the body, again, with different practices and tools that I use.

423
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:32,160
And I like to work towards a concept where, you know how we often say, you know, I want this person to love me for all that I am, you know, like all as I am.

424
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:37,680
And that's exactly what I work to for those who are working their relationship with self and their body image,

425
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:44,720
because you really are about loving and encompassing everything, even the parts that you thought were ugly.

426
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:50,600
And that could not just be body, it could even be smell, sense or what you think there is.

427
00:27:50,600 --> 00:28:00,200
And that's something also with women that they often struggle with as well, especially when it comes to intimate health, like how they smell or how they come off to their partner.

428
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:11,040
And so it's really about encompassing that whole, all of you, like learning to love all of you, working through steps around self-worth, self-love,

429
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:17,600
and feeling where you don't need to be a certain body image to be sexy and to be loved.

430
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:24,440
And when you're operating from that area, I realized that a lot of women, then when their communication partner starts to change, you know,

431
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,160
I don't even have to be there for both of them.

432
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:30,400
You start to realize that their communication change, their partner reacts differently.

433
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:32,200
They are able to express what they need.

434
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:38,280
For example, like I said, you know, if you need your partner to say, you know, no, I really like your body as it is,

435
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:42,400
and your partner needs to say at least three times, you know, that's what you need.

436
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:46,280
Then you start being able to express that for yourself as well.

437
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:50,480
Because the really painful thing about body issues is it doesn't just affect the women.

438
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:56,000
So when women are, you know, feeling uncomfortable and they're like, you know, I don't feel good about myself, I don't feel sexy,

439
00:28:56,000 --> 00:29:03,840
therefore I don't want to have sex, often when their partners are receiving it, it feels like it's not that you don't want to have sex, you don't have sex with me.

440
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,680
You know, and then all that misunderstanding happens as well.

441
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:11,680
And so sometimes it's really good to also uncover a little bit of that, you know,

442
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:17,680
what is it that they're struggling around sexual image and sexual body image when it comes to sex and pleasure?

443
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,480
And what can their partner kind of do to support that in that sense?

444
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:22,840
So let's say there is no partner.

445
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:26,680
So I'm thinking of a lot of my girlfriends in their 40s that are, you know, single, ready to mingle.

446
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:33,760
And, you know, they're struggling with their body image and they don't even want to put themselves out there to even be with a partner, right?

447
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:41,320
So, you know, they're struggling with their sexuality alone at home, not even feeling, you know, well enough to go kind of seek out sexual partnership.

448
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:45,520
What advice would you give to single women in their 40s who either, like I said, the friends I'm referring to,

449
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:53,080
they've never been in a long term partnership, but also those that are re-entering the single world after maybe a long term partnership or marriage?

450
00:29:53,080 --> 00:30:00,320
Yeah. So same thing, like I mentioned just now, a lot of the practices and tools are done with self, but simple things we can do.

451
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:07,840
You know, the mirror is a great tool to help, you know, that's really something because the mirror is really kind of very visual and in your face.

452
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:14,800
I usually start off with the less triggering portions. You'll be surprised, like maybe the hair may be a triggering piece for a woman,

453
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:18,560
but maybe her nose is not so much triggering, but still something she can't reconcile with.

454
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:25,040
So I start off with that before we move to that, before we move to genitals or like a different parts of the body image.

455
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:30,680
The other is also, like I said, about building the self love and self worth type of practices.

456
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:37,120
Do you feel that that part of you is worth giving all that love, you know, and all that acceptance?

457
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:40,400
It's coming to that stage of their relationship with self.

458
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:45,760
And when we start building it in pieces, the rest usually kind of falls into place.

459
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:51,480
I feel like one of the biggest qualities of a woman is once she's confident, she'll project that out.

460
00:30:51,480 --> 00:31:00,400
And then that is quite an attractive, you know, an attractive quality, because I think if you are confident enough to love yourself,

461
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:05,120
your partner or a prospective partner can see that as well.

462
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:11,680
Yeah, I think that is a huge part of it, is what you project in terms of your sexuality, like whether you own your own sexuality.

463
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:17,600
Yeah, I mean, we know when a woman has done her work, we know when a woman is, you know, kind of,

464
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:23,040
I mean, she doesn't have to have everything, all her ducks in the room, but she kind of has, you know, she's comfortable with her body.

465
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:24,560
A couple of ducks. Maybe not all the ducks.

466
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:28,640
We need a few in the room, but like she's comfortable with her body.

467
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,120
We kind of know there's something that radiates out of her.

468
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:37,840
Women are like magnets. They have that capability to really radiate out so that people kind of,

469
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:43,040
like it's like a, yeah, I call it a magnet because, you know, people kind of receive that.

470
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:47,120
And so it's really about working on different practices.

471
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:54,000
I usually like to start with a few triggering areas in their body image and get them to see, even sometimes take on some roles.

472
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:59,320
So sometimes you're very stuck in your, you know, in yourself and you like, you can't see yourself in a very different space.

473
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:06,120
So we do a little bit of different roles. Like what would, okay, let's say if the client's name is Sandra, so what will sexy Sandra do?

474
00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:10,640
What will burlesque dancer Sandra do? For instance, you know, Sandra's getting real.

475
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:16,320
I like it. Yeah. And just to get them to play with different parts, you know, I like to use a little bit of games and exercises

476
00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:19,920
because it tricks the nervous system as well, because I'm like, you know, this is fun.

477
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,760
We're going to try it for a while. You know, you're going to do practices and you will come back the next session.

478
00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:27,680
You know, if you don't like it within one or two weeks, we can we can change it up again.

479
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:34,240
Yeah. Could it also work with like, you know, if you've got a pair of heels that you're like, oh my God, these heels make my legs look amazing.

480
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:43,280
Could you use that to make yourself feel better or, you know, whether it's a particular lipstick or like props, but I'm not talking about sex toy props.

481
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:48,440
I'm talking about just general things that make you feel good, that make you want to, you know, I guess,

482
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:56,680
project out that confidence to feel more attractive, to then want to proceed further and I guess be intimate with a partner or with a potential partner, I guess.

483
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,960
Yes, definitely. So that's the cheat sheet thing, right?

484
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:04,080
If you know that that one thing works for you, have that nearby, right?

485
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:07,480
There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, for a long time, I'll give my own personal example.

486
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,640
For a long time during the pandemic, we were wearing masks or we never had to go out.

487
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:12,200
So there was no makeup, right?

488
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:17,600
And there was it came to a point where I think it was everything about staying in, lack of sun.

489
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:21,200
And, you know, it was just a very low period.

490
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:25,640
And there was just so much to do around the house, make sure everybody is like either healthy or fat.

491
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:31,080
You know, we can't even have groceries because of the number of times we can go down to the supermarket, things like that.

492
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:32,960
And it was a very, very low period.

493
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:39,840
And the day that we had some areas open up that you didn't need a mask, I knew I could wear lipstick.

494
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,280
And that red lipstick changed everything for me.

495
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,360
I mean, it really lifted me up. And it's so simple, right?

496
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:47,520
And it's nothing superficial about that.

497
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:55,520
I mean, we do a lot of things by ourselves, sometimes using a little tool like sex toys or like a lipstick or like even just

498
00:33:55,520 --> 00:34:00,360
that coat or that shirt or that inner wear.

499
00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:02,000
You know, it's OK. It's OK to help.

500
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,160
And you know, you've got that sexy red.

501
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:06,640
Yeah, I was saying, I was like, and you brought your red lips for us today.

502
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:09,160
So I can tell, you know, you're bringing the sexiness for us, girl.

503
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:10,680
And I appreciate that.

504
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:12,320
Well, we do have to wrap up here, Andrea.

505
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:19,360
But again, you've given us, I think, infinite tools for, you know, how we can improve our relationships with ourselves, our bodies, our sexual health.

506
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:23,680
What would you tell women in their 40s is your 40s formula?

507
00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:27,800
How do you help women thrive and feel their best in their 40s?

508
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:32,800
Give us your best formula that we can that we can apply in our own lives.

509
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:35,920
Well, I guess I can say it's I mean, because I'm in my 40s.

510
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:39,360
So this is something that it's very dear to me.

511
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:43,960
I do believe that it's something that I live by because I'm also in my 40s.

512
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:52,480
And I do believe as women, we are meant to really be able to express ourselves in many, many different ways.

513
00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:58,880
We have not been given the chance and the permission sometimes, or we've just not been taught that it's safe to do so.

514
00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:04,280
So really, for me, the 40s formula is when I say I really love my life.

515
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:15,360
I mean, I know that sounds like a little cliche, but the way I love it is I'm very much about being very present and experiencing every moment, whether it's interaction with someone.

516
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,760
And I think that is what really excites me.

517
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,440
That's really what allows me to explore different expressions.

518
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:28,360
And I guess also in my 40s, I'm less, I guess, conscious than in my 20s and 30s.

519
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:32,040
So experimentation, exploring how I like to express myself.

520
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,200
I don't restrict myself as much.

521
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:36,760
You know, I don't think that I have to be one image or the other.

522
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:44,560
So for those in their 40s, I really encourage just more expression, you know, play around with different things, see what works for you.

523
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,440
You have many different parts of you.

524
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:51,200
Just allow those to come out and trust in the women around you.

525
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:57,040
I think when we're in our 40s, we understand that having a community is very important.

526
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:58,320
Sisterhood is important.

527
00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:02,400
You know, have these women support you in your journey and you support them as well.

528
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,800
Amazing. That's the no shits given hashtag.

529
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,320
I think we need to.

530
00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:11,880
I feel like that is a unifying theme for our podcast here is no shits given and be bold, right?

531
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:13,160
Make your choices.

532
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:14,560
And own them in this decade.

533
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:16,320
Well, thank you so much, Andrea, for being with us.

534
00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:19,440
We really appreciate your insights and we're so happy that you took the time with us today.

535
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:20,560
No, thank you for having me here.

536
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:21,560
Thank you.

537
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:25,120
This is Paul, our editor.

538
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:33,760
He's a 25 year old unmarried Singaporean guy listening to the ramblings of 12 older women on everything from menopause to weightlifting to sex.

539
00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:37,160
So, Paul, what's your thoughts on today's conversation?

540
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:41,040
So for me personally, I'm actually unmarried, but I do have a partner.

541
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:49,600
So, you know, initially I had a stereotype that being, you know, being a sex coach means that you need to talk about like sex related advice.

542
00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:57,760
But I didn't quite realize it also encompasses much more than just that, you know, we talk about like relational side of things or the emotional side of things between partners.

543
00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:07,880
So I feel my perception on that has changed and well, I guess having a sex and relationship coach can be beneficial if you need one, I guess.

544
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:08,600
Yeah.

545
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,000
All right. Anyway, catch you guys next time.

546
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:10,640
See y'all.

547
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:35,640
Bye bye.

548
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:42,520
Be sure to hit that follow button.

549
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:44,040
We appreciate your time and support.

550
00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:50,040
Thank you for being part of this community and we'll be back next week for more empowering conversations with inspiring guests.

551
00:37:50,040 --> 00:38:18,600
Bye bye.

552
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:35,280
This is, I always say this is like I am giving you the best I have.

553
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:36,280
This is all I can do.

554
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:40,040
I mean without being too like, you know, without having an entourage.

555
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,040
Yeah.

556
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:42,040
Yes, exactly girl.

557
00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,840
My entourage is my kids, which they are not help, that's not a glam squad.

558
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:46,840
Yeah, not helpful.

559
00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,960
They're not the ones making me look better or else, no they actually are.

560
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:53,960
To be honest, especially my daughter, she's ridiculous.

561
00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:55,560
They had their children's day carnival yesterday.

562
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:56,560
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

563
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,760
And it was her first time ever playing musical chairs and she won.

564
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:00,760
Amazing.

565
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:04,320
And the teacher like sent me this whole thing of her sitting in that last chair and like

566
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,120
Louise won musical chairs.

567
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:07,120
I was like wow.

568
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:20,760
What a great day for her.