Hey hey and welcome to the Forties Formula, your go-to place for insightful discussions
on navigating the forties and thriving in this transformative decade.
We're your hosts, Jasmin and Amanda, two women that are passionate about exploring
the challenges and adventures that come with turning 40 and what lies ahead.
Our guest today is Shireena Shirff-Manchharam, a dynamic and highly experienced coach with
Sheen's Image Consulting.
Sharina holds certification in image consulting, life coaching and positive psychology.
She's the founder of Getting to Happy, a mental health movement dedicated to promoting
happier and more mindful lives.
Her global perspective, diverse background and passion for helping others shines through
in her work.
Shireena is also a mentor and advocate for mental wellbeing, making a difference in the
lives of young people and corporate women transitioning into motherhood.
Today she joins us to explore the pursuit of happiness and what it truly means to be
happy.
Welcome Shireena, it's so great to have you here, I'm really excited.
Thank you for having me.
It's our pleasure.
But firstly I want to say I absolutely love the name Getting to Happy.
I feel like it resonates with so many people, you know, who doesn't want to be happy?
Everybody wants to get to that point.
So how can someone get to happy?
Well I think when we talk about happiness it's such a vague concept, it's something
that we all want but how do we get there?
We just have to firstly realise that it is within our control to be happy every day.
I think when we're younger or I think the, you know, the old way of thinking is I'm happy
if I get this or I'm happy if I have a baby or if I find the right partner or if I get
a promotion or if I make more money or I get this house and I think as we become older
and realise what's truly important and what brings happiness to our lives that it is the
small things every day that we can do that make us happy.
So the first thing is probably acknowledging that it's within our control to be happy.
I love that.
I think it's really important.
I think a lot of the times we always put it on, you know, that it's something else that's
going to make us happy.
Exactly.
Or someone else.
Yeah, someone else.
But the fact that you're saying it's us, you know, we can only make ourselves happy.
Absolutely.
Was there a moment in your sort of past or something that got you to a point of transition?
Like was there a point where you felt, hold on a minute, something needs to change, there's
something that triggered this journey of getting to happy?
Yeah, that's a good question.
People ask me that all the time.
Well, funnily, my name means joyful and happy.
And I definitely was not a joyful and happy person when I was young.
As a young person, absolutely not.
No, you know, very little confidence, couldn't even say my name in a group.
You know, peer pressure, just not understanding that happiness was anywhere near me or that
I even deserved it or that I could have it or get it.
So it definitely wasn't that person.
And then as I became older, I became, you know, I certified as a life coach, which I
think changed a lot of ways in which I thought about things.
And then when I had children, well, getting pregnant was very difficult for me.
I think it was probably started at that time.
Getting pregnant was really tough for me.
I found out in my early 20s, I could never get pregnant naturally.
I had to do IVF.
I had to topic pregnancies, miscarriages, and finally blessed with two unknowingly wonderful
children.
And I think it was at that time trying to see the silver lining in being able to do
something like IVF instead of feeling sorry for myself.
So changing that mindset of I get to do IVF.
I don't have to do it.
I get to do it.
I'm super duper duper lucky.
And I think it was that first big challenge in my life of changing mindset.
And then obviously that made me develop as a person, I think, be more grateful for things
and then really moving into this as a life coach.
And then during COVID, of course, right at that time was when I launched Getting to Happy
because I realized when I was working with my clients, corporate clients mostly, and
they would tell me, okay, Shri, now let's talk about this today.
And can you give this workshop?
I'm like, no, no, no, no.
You need to teach people how to be happier because only when they're happy, can they
be good employees, can they work or even as a student, you know, forget about getting
the right grades.
If you're happy, you'll try.
If you're happy and you've got friends, you'll be all right as a student.
But if you're not happy, nothing works.
So happiness again is a very broad thing, what is happy.
But that's the point that you've got to work and put all these things together to be a
happier person.
So that was during the COVID time.
And I love what you said, Sharina, about if you're happy, you'll try.
Because I think there's an element of fear of failure that holds people back from being
happier people.
And I think that truly happy people can fail and realize that that's not something that
makes you unhappy.
That's something that actually moves you into more happiness because you tried.
Totally.
And I was such a fearful person.
I wouldn't do anything.
Like I was such a scaredy poke.
I can't even tell you.
And that's exactly it.
And now I realize that I'll do anything.
I'll say anything.
I'm not afraid.
And that's happiness.
Like knowing you can stand back up is happiness.
So people ask me, happiness means you're happy every day.
I'm like, oh, hells no.
Definitely not happy every day.
Yeah, happiness and toxic positivity need to be distinguished.
It's not just seeing the bright side in everything.
It's being able to persist through times that are trying, I think.
Yes, it's when you're down.
Can you stand back up?
Absolutely.
I love that.
I found when I was pregnant with the twins, I found out firstly I was having twins and
then I was having two boys.
And I went into this weird point in my life because I was desperate for a daughter.
And then when I found out it was two boys, every time somebody picked it, like mentioned
it, I would start crying because I felt like my life wasn't going to be how I had imagined
it.
I had this great relationship with my mom and I wanted that.
And I saw that my husband came from a family of all boys and I was like, God, I'm going
to be in the kitchen and the boy is going to be watching TV.
I'm going to be excluded.
And then I think I was like, just I hooked onto that concept of I need a daughter, I
need a daughter.
And then sort of the whole time I was fixated on having a daughter, I was not really thinking
about my boys.
And then one day it just occurred to me, it was in my mind like, shit, what am I doing?
I've got these three amazing boys who are absolutely healthy.
And I'm thinking about this concept of something that may never happen or if I did have a daughter,
is she even going to like me?
Because that can happen, you might not even have a relationship.
So it was just like a switch that went off in my head and it just changed everything.
And from that moment, I felt content, content with what I had and content with my situation.
And I feel like, is that something that a lot of people kind of need to distinguish,
the difference between being content and being happy?
Well can I just take a step back to what you were thinking about?
You know, when we have a situation but we dream about a situation that could be or something
in the future and that's really scary.
You know, if we allow ourselves to think what if or for the future, I mean, our brains can
wander into such a vast, scary space.
So what I do say about being happy is just today, just focus on today.
And I think before, like when we were younger, we went to school or even in our early careers,
it was all, what's your five-year plan and your 10-year vision?
And you're like, I have no idea.
And COVID kind of taught us that it's just today.
So you know, being pregnant with twins, twin boys, I mean, that's a beautifully scary at
the same time thought.
But if you thought about it in the moment and like, I'm so lucky.
I don't have one, I have two.
Too healthy?
Sounds better than nothing.
Yeah, 100%.
Versus the future and that's what I tend to see what people, you know, talking about,
you know, happiness is it's not tomorrow.
It's not the day after and it's not yesterday.
It's right now.
So I think that's another way that we can just be just very present and increase happiness
like that.
I think that's great.
You know, and I think most people do always sort of visualize how they want their life
to be, but then they miss what's actually happening now.
Yes.
So for women who are sort of, you know, in their 40s, how does or does the concept of
happiness change for them, like compared to their younger years?
I can only speak from experience.
I just entered this decade.
Well for you then, how does it feel?
So how has your sort of concept changed from how you were, say, in your 20s and your 30s
to how it is now?
I think it's about purpose.
I think, you know, purpose and meaning of life and all that is not, wasn't very important
to me in my 20s and 30s.
I was really thinking about starting my family, diapers, play dates, school, raising children
that were, you know, studying hard and happy and my home, building a home.
So I think those were my priorities when I was younger.
And I think moving into, and I was talking to my husband about this this morning, I said,
really, for him, he's 45 and for myself, I'm 40.
I said, now it's purpose.
And I literally was, I didn't know this question.
You were going to ask this, but it was due to him and I were just talking about it because
he's had some life changes now recently too.
And I'm like, this is when we can think about purpose.
We're lucky now.
It's not about like, okay, our home is there, the kids are there.
Now it's purpose.
Like, what am I doing every day?
So I think that the 40s, 50s is about what I can do based on the resources that I have.
It's not about, you know, I felt like 20s was hustling, 30s was babies and getting all
that together.
And now it's purpose, meaning what can I do with my life?
What's important to me?
What makes me happy?
Where can I say no?
Where should I say yes to?
And it's funny you say that because I think after I had kids, I went through this point
in my life.
I was like, what am I doing?
You know, I'd see women who were being moms and then working hard and they were like,
they were doing everything.
And I was just like, what am I doing with my life?
Like, where am I?
And you know, I think finding that purpose, like what is it that drives you is so important.
And it took me a while to get there.
And now that I feel like I'm there, and I don't know if it's coincidental that I've
sort of got there, you know, as I got into my 40s, but I feel like, you know, my life
is how I want it to be.
You know, I don't feel like, oh, I wish I had that.
I wish I had that.
It's just, you know, I'm happy with what I've got now.
And I think just appreciating what you have is quite important.
You know, as obviously as women, a lot of women have so many different roles, you know,
their moms, their working, their sisters, their wives.
How does somebody sort of juggle everything and maintain that sort of contentment and
purpose in their life?
I think that is purpose.
Having all those things is your purpose.
And you're supposed to be busy and feel all out of place and that there's not enough hours
in a day.
There aren't.
But how lucky are you to have so much on your plate that there aren't enough hours in the
day?
I love that.
I love that you've flipped it, you know.
And that's the thing.
It's all sort of mindset, isn't it?
It's everything.
It is.
It's how you look at something.
It is.
And when times are hard or when we're younger and it's not, I mean, in your 20s, if I met
someone who was like, you know, what's my purpose, I'd say, just forget about it.
Let's just, just don't think about it.
You're not supposed to have a purpose in your 20s.
It's all right if you don't know.
Don't worry.
It'll come at the right time.
Yeah, I think, you know, it really hit me when you said about your purpose.
And one of our previous guests was talking about her identity kind of solidifying in
her 40s.
And I think those two things to have in common is this freedom from expectation in your 40s
and this freedom from uncertainty.
You know, what you said, Jasmine, it's like you have your family.
It's finished.
You have your partner.
It's finished.
You don't have to have that knowing uncertainty and what if and wonder that you have in your
20s.
And again, that's what's great about your 20s is that potential is endless.
Possibilities could be anything.
Correct.
But what's kind of reassuring in your 40s is that you know the answers.
There is no more what if how many kids will I find a partner.
Now it's like you get to explore these parts of yourself that you might not have had access
to in your 20s and 30s because you were too full of what ifs.
So it sounds to me and correct me if I'm wrong, that women may be a position to reach happiness
levels in their 40s that they maybe couldn't even get to in their 20s and 30s.
Do you find that that's possible?
Well, I think you could you still happy in your 20s and 30s.
But it's a different kind of it's not a yeah.
I like what you just said.
That's true.
Like was I as happy as I am now in my 20s and 30s?
No.
But I also feel like that's that's OK.
I'm glad I didn't have it already and set then.
Maybe you're very blessed if you figure it all out quite early.
But I think it's the building blocks in the 20s and 30s like building foundation, making
mistakes, trying different things in your career or with your children or your partner,
figuring it all out.
Make mistakes.
Go to the end and come back.
And then maybe 40s and 50s is solidifying all the things that are important.
Yeah, maybe I love that message, though.
So if we do have listeners that are under 40, make mistakes and live your life.
Yes.
It's such power in those words and then allowing younger women to do that.
We're so afraid of not stepping on toes, not messing up, not disappointing someone, not
trying.
True story.
So I say to my boys, I always say you either win or you learn like there's no losing here.
If you don't get what you want out of it, you'll learn from it and you'll do better
next time.
I think my boys are at the point where they get worried like, oh, what if I lose?
I don't want to lose.
And I'm like, there's never losing.
It's just learning.
That's awesome.
I love that.
Oh, thank you.
I feel like I have to somehow coach my kids sometimes.
What would you say to a woman who's in that point in her life, maybe a transitional period,
whether it's going back to work after having a baby or getting into her 40s and they're
feeling unsettled, how would you try to sort of make her realize what her purpose is during
a transitional period in her life?
I think the conceptualization of that purpose will come to anyone at their specific time.
Everything falls into place at the right time for you.
Maybe your purpose only comes at 50.
Maybe it comes at 20.
So I think it's just being patient, leaving things up to the universe to being able to
see that too.
So I do believe that there is some power that puts the stars aligned for you at the right
time, but it's also faith in that.
So even if things don't go your way, this is meant to be.
I'm learning from it.
So I always say, what's the silver lining?
What are you learning from this situation?
You haven't lost your learning, which is what you just said, Jasmine.
But just trust in the process.
It will come at the right time.
And ask yourself, is my brain in the right place?
Am I thinking about this in the right way?
So if you start feeling frustrated, just give yourself some time.
And do you find that clients come to you as a coach during certain recurrent types of
periods?
Do you see women coming to you at X time, going through a divorce, let's say, or just
having had a baby, let's say?
Or do you find that there's a recurrent theme of needing happiness that you see with your
clientele?
Well, I'm a maternity coach as well.
So I work with women who are mostly in corporate who get pregnant.
I handhold them during their leave.
And I help them reintegrate back into the workforce.
So that's the majority of my clients.
And I love that phase.
And it's a tough phase.
Having gone through difficulty getting pregnant and having my kids, I think that that's one
of the biggest group of women that are coming to me and asking for advice.
And it's so unfair because so much of it is our bodies.
And both of you are experts in this versus myself when it comes to things that you cannot
control in your body after you give birth.
I mean, you can do a million things and go for a walk and be outdoors and practice gratitude
and be mindful and meditate.
But there are things that are just happening within you that you can't control.
But you still have a four-finger separation in your abdominal.
So what's it going to do?
Exactly.
Yeah, I hear you.
So I feel like there's control and out of control.
And yes, you can do things that are within your control.
But after you give birth, there are things that are happening to your body.
And it sucks.
You can't control it.
And then you have to work and you have to stay up late and do calls and travel and go.
And that, I find, is a really hard place for women.
So yeah, I'm sure you guys have advice on that as well.
Yeah.
And again, I am that woman, right?
I'm in that moment.
I am with child now looking down my third postpartum journey.
So I definitely can empathize with how women in this exact stage of life are struggling
to find that happiness.
So Shrinny, you've got two kids.
And obviously, when a parent is talking to their kids, it's always in through one ear,
out through the other.
How do you show your kids, how can you teach them, how can they be happy without them being,
oh, mom, here she goes again?
How do you-
My kids do that.
Yeah.
So how can you show your kids without, obviously, specifically telling them, you should be happy
and can tell me what you got?
I love that question.
Awesome.
So I think with happiness or anything that you want to do in your life and make changes,
you have to be consistent.
You both know that with your clients, if you're going to go to the gym once a week or once
a month, ain't nothing going to happen to you.
Ain't gonna happen.
Yeah.
You're not going to come out a fit person.
No.
So happiness is the same.
So tools that we do every day as a family, also on the other side is there are so many
parents who come to me and say, you know, I do so much for my kid.
They're so ungrateful.
Teach them to be grateful.
I'm like, what do you do in your family every day?
Or parents who want their kids to lose weight or be more fit.
I'm like, as a parent, what do you do?
What example do you show?
So happiness is the same thing or mental well-being is the same thing.
So in our family, we have consistent things that we do.
So always going outside for exercise, like being outdoors.
We don't use a lot of tech in the house.
I don't really watch very much TV.
And it kind of filters down.
My kids love to watch TV, but they just have things that they've implemented.
Like the TV is never on in the daytime.
Sony on it maybe at night on the weekends.
So we're examples of that.
What else?
Gratitude is a huge one.
That's life changing.
It's the best thing ever.
So if you can practice gratitude with your kids.
So as soon as my kids were born, Lara's almost 14, the day she was born, you know, not the
day she was born, when she came home, putting her to bed at night, I would say in her baby
voice, oh, I'm grateful that I slept through the night.
I'm grateful that I'd finished my bottle of milk.
And then I would say it as a mom, I'm grateful that I get to hold you in my arms because
I waited for you.
Or I'm grateful that I bought a muffin and it was delicious today.
Something small, because if you're looking at the day, I mean, there's a bazillion things,
but there are wonderful things every day.
So I would say it and as my kids learn to speak, they say it as part of their bedtime
routine after their prayers.
They say three things and what it does is no matter how crappy a day you've had, there
are still things that you can be grateful for.
What does that do?
It builds resilience.
You know, we have growth mindset, positive mindset.
That's what we want.
So happiness is that, right?
It's learning those things.
You can still have bad days, but being able to see the silver lining, being strong about
it, trying your best, not being scared, being brave, all those things.
Always getting to happy, the reason why I made it into cards as well with a stand is
that I thought that all the things that increase well-being and happiness, we know them.
They're not my science, you guys.
It's all out there.
I'm not claiming it.
Oh, damn it.
Here I was thinking.
That's a magic pill.
Yeah.
So it's all there, but we forget what to do.
So going back to with my kids, the kids card set, you take one card, you put it up on a
stand, you look at it, maybe it's, you know, write a letter.
Yesterday, my daughter wrote a letter to the horse that she rides, which was, you know,
being very naughty with her.
And she was angry, frustrated.
And she wrote a letter to him and she was bawling her eyes out about how grateful she
was that she had him teaching her all these life lessons and resilience because, you know,
kept throwing her off and being awful.
So write a letter is a card.
Practicing gratitude daily is a card.
Exercising, getting fresh air.
And we don't say meditating in the kids set, we say take a breath.
I love that.
We don't need to do such big scary things.
We can just remind them that there are small things they can do every day.
Cleaning up your room.
If you don't tell a kid why, you know, science can show you that when your room is clean
before you go to bed, you sleep better, et cetera.
Well, they don't want to do it.
Mom, stop telling me to clean my room.
Clean up your room.
I don't want to clean my room.
But why when you go to sleep?
Do you want better sleep?
Do you want to be better tomorrow morning?
Do you want to, you know, do better in school and, you know, have better conversations and
make better choices?
Well, clean up your room so you get good sleep and all that will happen.
So small things like that.
I love that.
So what I started implementing with my eldest son, who unfortunately has got a bit of a
fixed mindset, but I'm trying to show him that, you know, it's not you can change.
You can you can grow.
You can you don't have to be where you are.
You can improve on whatever you're doing.
And we started sending out a prayer to the universe because although I was born into
a Sikh family, I'm not particularly religious.
So I thought what I'll do is I'll do like this universe prayer with him in a dear universe.
I'm thankful for what I'm thankful for.
You know, my family, my my kids, my husband, my parents, you know, send another prayer
to somebody who needs it.
So at the time, my son had a bit of an injury.
So I'd say I'd like to send some love and thoughts to Kyan so that he recovers faster.
And then also just send out there.
What do I want?
What I'd like to achieve?
And it's not I want a new video game or I want this toy.
But you know, I would like to improve on my piano playing just so that it's on the forefront
of his mind.
So he's thinking about, you know, if I'm sending out to the universe, I will get better at
the piano.
But that also requires me to practice and and stuff.
And, you know, it took him a while to sort of get his head around it because, you know,
we would be like, I want this Pokemon game or I want this.
But I would then go back and like, no, it's what do you want to achieve?
And then, you know, he enjoyed that.
And it'd be times where if I forgot and he'd say to me, Mommy, are we going to pray today?
I'm like, oh, I love it.
I love the fact that he has bought it up himself consistency for it.
Right.
Yeah.
And I love that in what both of you are saying, you know, my kids are the youngest, I think,
of the three of us here.
And so, you know, when I think of happiness for them, it's so inherent, you know, like
their whole spirit is happiness.
So the idea that we want to start practicing happiness, I think is amazing because I think
I'm taking it a bit for granted now that they just wake up happy because they're two years
old and, you know, they have Spider-Man sheets.
Whereas I think the act of practicing happiness is something that we definitely need as we
get older.
So why not start it at this age?
And like what you said is say something out loud and have them repeat it.
I love that.
Or have a ritual that is connected to bedtime that then they have to look forward to every
day.
I think that's something that as a mom of small kids, I can definitely start doing now.
So I really appreciate that.
Yeah.
That's so sweet.
I think also we have to also and as your kids are young, but as they become older too, we
have to teach them why doing this will help them.
Like we know when we talk about like meditation, for example, nobody tells you the science
of how your brain actually changes.
Well, if you knew that, we'd all be meditating.
It's incredibly powerful.
But we always say like, oh, I got to be in my lulu lemons doing yoga and then I'll meditate.
You don't.
But it's education, it's actually putting in the effort, understanding why.
So as the kids become older, I think that's, you know, that's important.
And Jasmin, back to your point about, you know, your kids doing a prayer out to the
universe.
And one of the cards we have is goal of the day, which is similar.
So parents use it in the morning before school, the cards there and it's like, okay, just
think about one thing today.
Make, you know, be a better friend to X person or appreciate the school lunch because you
get to get school lunch.
Otherwise, I'm going to give you some broccoli from the house.
Exactly.
You know, there's a goal of the day and an intention setting for adults.
Like when I wake up in the morning, I do the exact same thing as you do with your son.
Before I touch my phone, I just think about my day.
It could be a personal thing, a professional thing.
And I just say, okay, I'm going to give my intention is to, you know, have an awesome
podcast session with you guys was my intention this morning.
Or it's, you know, finish my meeting early so I can watch my daughter horse ride today
or enjoy my night out with my girlfriends.
Setting an intention, same thing, but what does it do?
It actually increases motivation.
You feel a rush of endorphins when you create a goal.
So it's a great way to start their day too.
Yeah.
And I love that your intentions and goals are already positive, right?
It's like, I'm going to have an awesome podcast.
Not like I hope I do well on that podcast.
You know, it's like you have already mastered the art of positive intention.
And I think that that is something that so many people struggle with, you know, that
the act of happiness is an action.
You know, it's something that you choose to, you know, in your words and your thoughts
and your actions, because obviously, so I consider myself a cognitive behavioral coach,
right?
So I'm all about taking action and a little bit of fake it till you make it.
Totally.
There is power in choosing words that are more positive, even if you don't feel that
way, or even something like where there is a level of uncertainty.
Will I do well today?
I don't know, but I will do well today.
That's how you express that.
You know, you get through that uncertainty by faking it a bit.
And I think that is so, so powerful.
Were you always like that, Amanda?
I think so.
I was not.
I think I was.
I think it takes, I mean, for those people out there who think, well, you know, maybe
Amanda was born like that.
She's super lucky.
It's like, well, you might not be born like that, but it takes effort.
Yeah, it still takes effort, though.
It still takes effort.
And I think there is, as like a lifelong happy person, I think there is almost like an expectation,
like Amanda could never be sad because Amanda is always happy.
So there's, you know, there's that kind of different journey as well.
How would you say, or how could you help women who are sort of in a relationship, strengthen
their relationships to ensure that they are able to feel happy within their, whether it's,
you know, with their partner, with their parents, with their kids, even their sort of social
network.
So how important are these relationships in contributing to your happiness, I guess?
I mean, we're social creatures.
We need the community around us.
I think it's surrounding yourself, number one, with the right kind of people that keep
you positive.
Number two, accepting that maybe sometimes you can't choose the relationships that you're
in, parents, siblings, that kind of thing.
And then spinning it and saying, well, am I lucky I just have them?
Because maybe I wouldn't, maybe I don't have them.
And what would my life be like?
So being present in that moment and saying, you know, what if I didn't have it?
So I'm grateful I do have it.
And the other one is not taking advantage of the relationships that you do have.
So I love this card that I have in this set called relationship repair.
And it's not about just repairing broken relationships.
It's literally going through your phone.
And this is what I do.
I want to pick up my phone and I, you know, want to try to use it less, but I'm going
to pick it up anyways.
I think, what can I do with it?
What can I do that's important for me?
So I literally go through WhatsApp and I reach out to people that I haven't messaged for
a long time.
And I'm like, hey, how are you?
And someone goes, I just had a really bad day.
Thanks for just saying that.
Or, oh, I'd love to meet you.
It's been ages since I've had a coffee.
And it's, or I saw on Instagram that your kid did this.
How sweet or genuine comments.
Doesn't have to be a paragraph, but it's relationship connection, relationship repair, not taking
advantage of those.
And I think when we're younger too, we're like, oh my God, so I'm so busy.
Well, everyone's busy.
You're not the only one.
Reach out, make the time and strengthen the relationships that you do have.
100%.
I also find that, you know, like when someone says, oh, I find it so annoying when my husband
does this, is it what your husband is doing or is it you?
Is it, you know, it's coming from within you.
It's not so much them because it doesn't bother them.
It bothers you, right?
So, so how do you deal with that situation?
You know, when something that, you know, your husband does or your kids do and you find
it annoying, how can you deal with that to sort of not let it, I guess, irritate you?
Maybe except that it does irritate you.
I mean, this is a very sad situation.
I mean, sad example, but someone said that their husband's snoring used to drive them
crazy and they didn't sleep for like years.
And their husband passed away.
He was a friend of someone, someone.
And she was like, I wish that just didn't annoy me as much as it did because I'd rather
have it than not have him at all.
So that's the extreme situations where you could sometimes take yourself out of and say,
okay, why am I so annoyed?
What can I do?
I mean, you can't help your spouse from snoring.
I mean, get medication, get nose clip.
I don't know, do what you gotta do.
But also, is it really a bigger deal, this bigger deal?
And what, how else can I spend my time thinking about what's annoying me?
Yeah.
I definitely always think about when I'm complaining about my wonderful husband, because he is
wonderful in so many ways.
It's like, okay, exactly what you said.
All the great things he does, they dwarf this one little thing that drives me crazy.
And I have to remember that, that it's not, these are not all on equal footing, right?
His flaws and his amazing benefits are not equal.
The flaws are tiny, the benefits are many.
And I have to remember that the scale of what makes me upset or unhappy is so small compared
to what makes me happy and secure.
Correct.
Obviously, a healthy mind is a happy mind.
So what sort of techniques or strategies do you use to sort of keep your mind and your
body fit?
For the mind, I think it's that daily intention before getting out of bed, is gratitude every
night.
It's meditation, exercise, daily exercise.
I love to exercise.
I mean, I hate it when I'm in the gym, but I love it after.
Feeling fit, yeah.
So the meditation and the exercise, I always struggle, I think, with my body.
I think, Amanda, I talked to you about this a while ago, that relationship with my body.
But I think entering the 40s, I've got what I've got.
I'm healthy.
Blood work is great.
All that's, again, what's most important.
So I think the relationship with my body has to also change in my 40s.
I'm doing the things that I know are good, exercise, meditation, eating as well as I
can.
I'm being more mindful about my relationship with food.
That's an interesting one.
I mean, you guys are experts in this.
But yeah, taking time to eat more mindfully, think about what I'm putting in my body, how
much alcohol I'm consuming, caffeine, things like that, which weren't as important in my
20s and 30s.
And I love that you put exercise in the mental health bin, right?
We don't separate out exercises only something that contributes to our physical health.
That exercise, and you mentioned with your kids, exercising outdoors, that's a huge family
value for us as well.
We get our kids outdoors and active every single day.
Not a day goes by.
And even if it's a rainy day, we dance in the rain.
And that's what we do in our backyard.
It's not very glamorous, but they love it.
My son's in a bucket.
But yeah, I think that exercise as a mental health practice needs a little bit more PR.
You're so right.
The six pack ripping abs got a lot of headlines, but the mental health benefits of it get none.
Because that's science.
We only see what we see.
You go to the gym and you're going to be skinny.
Oh, I want to be skinny.
I want to lose weight.
But no one says, if you exercise, this is a science.
This is what's happening internally in your brain.
If we did that, we'd be much more inclined to go to the gym, not just for a physical
appearance.
Yeah.
The most powerful and most underutilized antidepressant is exercise.
And that's science, guys.
Check that one.
Yeah, totally.
That checked me.
Shareena, it has been absolutely wonderful to have you here.
Before we wrap up the conversation today, we do want to ask you one last question.
And that is, what is your 40s formula?
What sort of advice or mantra, philosophy, whatever it is, would you like to give our
listeners about being in your 40s and owning it, I guess?
I thought about this question, which you did ask prior.
And I just thought about this quote.
So it's, you get what you work for, not what you wish for.
I love that.
It speaks to me, girl.
Which is what I heard on another podcast.
And I've stolen it.
I say it all the time.
And it's true that when we're young, we wish for so many things.
We wish for that perfect thing.
And we wish and we want.
And our kids blow candles out on a birthday cake wishing for things or going to bed at
night wishing.
And I'm like, it's not that, guys.
It's not that anymore.
You're not going to get anything by wishing and praying and hoping.
But you will get it if you work for it.
The grade in school, to be happier, the promotion.
You will if you work.
So you get what you work for, not what you wish for.
And as I transition to the next phase, your 40s, 50s, 60s, hopefully on and on, you can
give more effort and more intention and more mindfulness to the things that you want.
It's harder when you're giving birth, worrying about schools and all that kind of stuff.
You can give more priority to it, I think, at this stage in life.
So you get what you work for, not what you wish for.
You'll put in the effort, whether it's to be happier, be more fit, strengthen relationships
within your family, whatever it may be.
You'll get it if you work for it.
That's amazing.
That's such great advice.
And hopefully we'll all take that on board and sort of work towards what we want and
just go out there and get it.
So thank you so much again, Shireena.
It has been incredible.
It's my pleasure.
Thank you for having me.
Thank you.
This is Paul, our editor.
He's a 25 year old unmarried Singaporean guy listening to the ramblings of 12 older women
on everything from menopause to weightlifting to sex.
Paul, what's your thoughts on today's conversation?
I'm naturally a pessimist when it comes to thinking about outcomes.
So I'm currently in my mid-20s and hell, I don't actually know what exactly I'll be doing
in life as a whole.
But hey, thanks for the reminder that it's important to stay healthy.
And I love your quote where you mentioned, if you're happy, you'll try.
So thank you for the reminder.
Please live and I'll catch you guys at the next one.
See y'all.
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Bye.
My parents are American.
They don't understand that like here, because you know Americans drink like drip coffee,
right?
And we drink coffee with cream.
That's like kind of how it's done.
And they like can't understand why they go anywhere here and they order a coffee with
cream and the person's like, a long black, a flat white.
And they're like, no, I don't even know what those words are.
I just want a cup of coffee.
And then they get the coffee and it's like this big.
Because Americans are like, we're used to like 20 mls coffee.
So I said, mom, I'm like, just go to Starbucks.
Yeah, exactly.
They're going to have the thing you need.
They're like, the coffee you gave us was this big and it was $7.50.
And I was like, I know.
Yeah, that's Singapore.
$7.50 for a small little coffee.
Yeah.
And it's an espresso.
So it's got like 50 milligrams of caffeine.
And then your mom's like getting ready for the Hyrox with you.
Yeah, exactly.
She's like, this is amazing.
When you're in New York that can burn down 1,000 homes.
Hyrox are the best.