All right, are you happy or sad?
Which way, oh, I guess, oh, you're happy and you are?
Come on, a bullet.
I guess I'm happy.
Oh, I'm always happy, bitch.
I am, but Rook Medusa, this is Top Shelf Hi-Jinks
and we clink clinkin', bitches.
Good morning, Bestie.
It's actually morning time
because we're starting early today.
I know.
Yes, we are.
Good morning, world.
It's the spring forward thing, I guess.
Maybe not.
Yeah, possibly, possibly not.
Well, my son's on spring break, I guess.
I don't know.
I always thought spring break was the same time,
like for everybody.
Yeah, that's what I thought too, but not really.
Yeah, I was like, how are they gonna go to Cabo
and do the wet t-shirt concerts all like different weeks?
I guess, right?
Cabo's making the money then
if it's a different week for everybody.
Damn you, COVID.
You fucked it all up.
Is he sleeping right now or is he already awake?
He's awake.
Oh, okay.
I thought he would be sleeping in or I don't know.
Is he a sleeper in, sleeper in or?
Yes, yes.
I think he's at that age where naps just are just like part
of his DNA.
Good, so that means he's becoming an adult.
Yeah, adultine.
That's right.
I'm taking a nap and we get done.
I know.
Oh, is the nap time, yes, let's do this.
That's right, bitch.
Let's do this.
Oh my goodness.
You know what?
I didn't even ask you.
Is your car fixed?
Oh, yes, it's been fixed.
I got it back like a week and a half later, I want to say.
Oh, nice, okay.
Yeah, somewhere around there.
Oh, yeah, oh, did I tell you that the bumper kit,
was there's a cable hanging out of the bumper?
Yeah, you told me that.
Okay, so that's why I'm like, I don't know if I told you that.
So I fucking, I don't know if I told you,
but I went back or they told me to come back
and they're like, well, yeah,
it's covered under your warranty.
I'm like, fucking better be bitch.
I was like, you're funny.
Let me check and see if it's under the warranty.
Oh, no, we're not doing that.
So the guy looked at it and he's like,
oh, they didn't attach a, I guess they didn't like,
not nail it down, but there's like something
that they needed to put inside the bumper
so it stays attached and that's all they did.
How could you forget that, but whatever?
Yes.
Yeah, I was driving by, there's like a little collision,
I guess it's like a auto body, yeah, auto body place.
And they said, making friends by accident.
Oh, they got jokes.
Yeah, these ones got jokes.
We should take that act on the road.
Yeah, I hope you're here all night.
Fuck.
Yeah, but I was like, hey, you know what?
Good one.
I, so yesterday,
I was getting a TV delivered to my house.
Oh, yeah.
For your room or for where?
Well, for the bedroom.
So in my, no, I'm sorry for the living room,
but I was going to take the living room TV into my bedroom
because in my bedroom,
I have a freaking dinosaur of a TV.
Okay.
It's a flat screen.
It's what this thing weighs at least.
Oh, it's the older person.
I don't even think Hitachi is even making to.
Yeah.
Well, I don't think so either.
So, but I'm the type of person like, Hey,
if it's not broken, like, exactly.
I don't care.
I don't care, but it does not take Netflix.
It doesn't do my.
It's not a smart TV.
No, it doesn't even.
I don't care.
And I have this little Joey Hopper thing from dish and it
still doesn't even read that.
Okay.
So it sucks.
But again, I don't really watch TV in my room.
I don't do the white noise.
I don't, I don't care.
I.
It's just in my room.
Okay.
And so I,
I have a new TV that's in the living room and right.
I have a new TV that's in the living room.
It's just huge.
And these guys that deliver it.
I told my son, first and foremost, it's Saturday.
And this is my weekend that I do not work.
Okay.
I was going to sleep in.
Be a bum as always.
Right.
All I hear is ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding.
How.
How do you know that?
I fucking wake up and like, what time is it?
Nine o'clock.
My, my phone has like a gazillion text messages.
Where you at this TV's heavy.
Yeah.
I was just like, Holy shit.
I'm trying to find a fucking bra to put on.
That kind of runs down.
That's what I do.
Yeah.
Exactly.
That's exactly what I did.
I told my son, answer the door is the TV people.
I'm like, I'm not sure what I'm doing.
I was like, I'm not sure what I'm doing.
And they run downstairs.
I didn't brush my girl. I didn't do anything.
I was just a hot mess.
And they are like, where, where do you want this?
Where do you fucking think?
Yeah.
So they put it in.
I said, do you guys install.
Are you going to hook it up because I don't know.
And they just keep shaking.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, they don't speak English.
They're like, I'm going to do that.
Or they're fucking their death, I guess.
I'm all, let's go Google translate.
Like, um,
Sorry.
Like, let's do this.
Um, yeah, so.
They make a mess in my house though.
So they actually installed it for you.
Yeah.
They took my TV down and they put it.
And then they put the, the big TV up,
and they're like, I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm like, I don't know.
I'm like, okay,
I'm going to have to do it.
I'm like, I'm going to have to do it.
I'm just taking it out of this huge fucking box.
And there's styrofoam.
That everywhere.
And it's, yeah.
They don't give a shit.
And another thing.
That I,
this is just going to be a rant for me today.
Um, they don't even take off their shoes.
Which.
Oh, well, they're not supposed to.
They would have a liability if they, you know what?
Though I had little booty covers.
I was like, okay, I'm just like, all right, dude.
Like you guys don't speak English.
You don't have to take off your shoes.
Do you want the TV or not?
I was like, okay, is this, are you geek squad?
I don't think so.
But okay.
Um, no, because it's from Costco, but all right.
So how was the TV?
Did they have it on sale?
Uh, they did not have it on sale.
No.
I was wondering, cause it's like tax,
tax return season or whatever it's called.
So I figured everything was on sale.
And I was like, oh, I'm going to get a tax return.
I'm going to get a tax return.
You know,
that's another thing that I'm going to ranch about.
But I was like, damn, this year I didn't.
Oh, I hate.
Okay. Well, good. You didn't know.
Yeah. But everybody's like, I can't.
Oh, it's tax, it's tax.
I'm like, well,
maybe you need to have like five fucking kids and work at McDonald's
to get like $15,000 back or some shit.
I don't know.
Because I don't know.
I don't know.
Yeah.
I broke even.
That's all that.
Exactly.
I'm like, what the fuck?
Walmart's having a sale because who's getting money?
Like.
I don't know.
I'm just so thankful.
Like, whoof.
I only.
Yes, please.
Give me the $230 fucking $3.
Thank you.
I'm good.
At least you don't know it.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't know how people get so much goddamn money back.
I don't know.
I'm lost.
I don't know.
I'm lost.
I'm in the wrong tax bracket or something.
You're doing your taxes by yourself.
No turbo taxed as a.
Oh, okay.
I'm like, you know, I would honestly, I would suggest finding a,
not an attorney.
What are they called?
A public, an accountant.
They're going to charge you up the ass, but you got a fucking house and
you have kids.
You would, you should be getting more than fucking $233 back if you go to
an accountant.
They're probably charging you $500, but I can guarantee they'll get you at
like three G's.
They'll find ways.
I'm sure they're like, did you donate?
I'm like, yes, I gave a shit ton to fucking goodwill.
I do March of Dimes and St. Jude's like.
You file head of household, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Just making sure.
Yeah.
I don't know.
They always say, I'm glad you don't know.
So I'm just glad.
Yeah.
Cause when I was in Kelly, oh my word.
Yeah.
I didn't even get 200 bucks back.
It's just, they're just like, bitch.
You owe.
But it's okay.
Because maybe.
What are you claiming on?
Oh, but you have kids though.
I don't know.
But if you claim floor, what do you claim?
Do you know what you claim?
Yeah, I claim myself and I,
I think that they're taking out more money.
So I.
Yeah.
We'll get something.
No sense.
I don't know.
But the tax preparer on turbo tax.
Cause I paid the extra to have the little.
Oh, to have them virtual.
Whatever.
And all that.
And they were just like, Oh, we're so sorry.
Permanable.
It's you kind of slipped it.
The cracks.
Like you're, you're just like fucked.
Yeah.
I think you need to see an accountant and fucking have them look over your
taxes and fucking pay that fee that they're going to charge.
But you should be getting money back,
especially if you're only claiming one and you have two fucking kids and a
fucking house that you're paying a mortgage on.
You know what?
That makes no fucking sense.
They don't even give a shit about owning a house.
They're just like, how much interest did you pay?
What the fuck?
Yeah.
I don't like interest.
Like, can I just, I don't know.
There was something that happened during COVID where they gave me like,
or, or no, it was the, the, when I very first bought the house.
They were like, Oh yeah.
Oh, you told me that.
That's right.
I remember that.
And now it's just like, they don't give a shit.
They're just like, yeah, pay up bitch.
Shit.
So anyways, going back to my TV.
These dudes put the TV, they hook it up, whatever.
Why do I not see the cables to the TV?
Because I was going to take the old TV and put it up in my room.
Right.
And what the hell did these dudes do?
It seemed, well, you know what?
I'm just going to be real.
They fucking unplugged my Samsung TV and they put it up in my room.
They fucking unplugged my Samsung TV and plug in the Samsung TV I bought.
Right.
They didn't leave me any cables.
So they took the cables from the original.
They just, they just unplugged the original and just plugged in the new one.
So where are the fucking new cables?
Are they in the box?
Maybe.
No, they took the fucking box with them too.
Oh, they were doing me a service for taking the trash.
Yeah.
Oh, damn.
Okay, boo.
What the, these, and I gave them a tip.
Why?
That, that tip money could have been new fucking tables.
Yeah.
Oh, that makes no sense.
Boo, sorry to hear that.
Can you call, I guess Costco maybe?
Oh, yeah, I tried.
They just said, nope, we taped the cables to the back of the TV.
No, you didn't.
Like, just miss me with this shit.
Like, I'm so over it.
So can you just, I guess, order them from Amazon, I guess.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Boo.
I know.
Boo.
That's my rant.
But at least I have a TV.
So did they install the, or they, did they move it upstairs for you?
Or did they ready your old one?
No.
Nope.
Oh, I didn't think so.
Yeah, they didn't do shit.
Like, really?
I don't know.
I mean, I'm not sure you can even take off their shoes, but okay.
I love you Pomona bullets.
So how was your week?
My week was okay.
And I have an epiphany that is going to turn into a rant as well.
So let me ask you this, Pomona bullets, do you like get manicures or how are your cuticles?
Are your cuticles like just normal?
Because my cuticles have never been normal ever.
No, they, I, I hate them.
They're, they're not good.
I have, yeah, you're bad.
Okay, so mine are like paper thin and I always look at people's cuticles and they always seem like they're all
Even the ones that don't go to nail shops or whatever. They're always well
They're always well done or well manicured
I guess I don't know what the proper term is and they don't look paper thin like they look thick mine
I always have hang nails and like the especially now that it's winter. I guess winter's almost over
But my cuticles are just so fucking dry
So I went to the nail shop and I normally just get a pedicure this time
I said I need a pedicure and a manicure fucking just I guess cut my cuticles or remove my cute
You know that the dry part. Yeah, if I'm making any type of sense. Oh you are okay, so
The lady's like okay your man. I'm sorry your cuticles are really bad. I'm like, yeah, no fucking shit
So she's like let's soak your cuticles in the cuticle remover with the water
So I sat there for like 10 minutes with both hands in the water with the cuticles stuff
Of course, it's easy to remove but why it didn't dawn on me until now
I'm like anytime I go to the nail shop and asked to get my cute or I guess a manicure with the cuticles
Because you always sit in that solution and I'm like I never have hang nails
It's always just the cuticles that are fucking dry and then like
Three days after I get done with the nail shop
I fucking have hang nails on all my fucking fingers and I fucking look like trash and it dawns on me
This was like less. I think I got my manicure done last Saturday. Yeah Saturday by Wednesday
I fucking have hang nails everywhere and I'm like why the fuck does this always happen when I get done?
I'm like, oh duh
You're sitting in fucking that solution that removes the fucking hang nails
So of course it's gonna like I guess make your skin weak and then just fucking have hang nails everywhere
Does that make sense? I'm assuming that's what it is because I'm like I don't have hang nails
And these ones are really fucking bags. I sat in it for ten minutes, but I was just like fuck. I can't fucking win. Oh
You know what?
I'm never gonna do that again. I don't know. I went on Amazon
Mono bullets and I bought the I ordered the Sally Hansen's cuticle remover and then the cuticle push stick or whatever
Oh, yeah
And I'm like, you know what? I'm just not gonna get my fucking manicures anymore
Because my fucking hands are so fucked up right now. They were worse than just having dry cuticles that were cracked. Oh
Yeah, I have those two. I have those two. I fucking hate it, but yeah those hang nails
It's it's worse. It's a hurt
Yeah, it's the ones that you kind of have to just use a nail like fucking clipper to like yeah
Yeah, and they still and they still happen. I'm just like, okay, this needs to fucking stop and no matter how much
Vaseline or cubicle oil or right when I put on it's just like God damn it
That's my fucking rant. All right, you know what just don't use your teeth and pull it
God
Or I'm just like, uh, and I pull it and it's like it just rips all the way down to my knuckle
Oh, you're like, yeah, that's gonna leave a mark because it's gonna be hurt. It's gonna hurt every time I walk my hands
I'm just gonna use hand sanitizer
Maybe I'm right and then I'm just that would be worse though. I know it tries it out even worse
I was gonna say because of the alcohol
Yeah, I don't understand how people don't have like hang nails and all that but I'm like maybe they don't wash their hands all the time
Or I'm just always washing my hands. It seems like I don't know. Yeah, you're all dirty motherfucker. You don't have hang nails
Facts don't fist bump me
Right, like your non cuticle fucking hands
I guess elbow bump me so I don't have to fucking touch your fucking dirty hands. Yeah, give me your ashy elbow
No, oh
Yikes
People well, at least you got a mani-pedi
Yeah, as long as I get my pedicure that never happened. Well, they don't put your feet in that solution
Otherwise, I probably have hang nails on my feet
Right, I guess I don't know I guess cuz we're not always washing that I mean we wash them when we take a shower
But we're not continually like washing washing them like we wash our hands. I guess
Probably that's kind of weird. I never thought about it. I guess I'm now I'm really gonna have to GTS
Yeah
Who for thought let's just fucking find out hey Siri
Okay, so I have one news article that I found kind of interesting and then I'm like
Bollots will have her two cents in on in on this so in the state of Georgia
Now I'm just not gonna actually read I read the article earlier this week. I didn't write notes on it or anything
but a
Kid was asked why she had I think it's a wish of she I don't know if was a girl or a boy or whatever gender they are
Why they had so many bottles of nutmeg in their backpack at school
And nutmeg and she said or the student says oh
It's her bake or I guess for both cooking class whatever cooking class
All right, so I don't know if it was the principal the teacher or whatever they talked to the cooking class instructor
They're like what the fuck with the nutmeg. They're like, what are you talking about? I have no fucking I guess
Cuisine or whatever the recipes that include nutmeg. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about
Girl, did you know that kids are getting high off a nutmeg now?
Stop
That's what I fucking said
Stop not fucking Meg is what they've been snorting. I guess or getting high
I don't know how they do I didn't read the in-depth article
But it it says that you can get high for ten minutes
But then you have the worst hangover for the next couple days and I'm just like what are these kids doing?
I don't understand
What?
Yeah, I'm assuming they're snorting it
You
Right nutmeg nutmeg girl. I'm like what the fuck can you guys like just I don't know man
I'm not totally out of loss what when it comes to society these days like at a total fucking loss
Yeah, I don't get it
Well, what in only ten minutes the fuck that's what
You get nosebleeds for nutmeg
No
I don't even like nutmeg in my fucking pumpkin pie. Yeah, I actually don't even like that me. Yeah
It kind of reminds me of that whole what was it the cinnamon?
Yeah, oh, yeah, I don't know. I just I thought that was weird
But I guess they don't get high. Well, okay
To like segue off that shit like yeah, they're these kids are
At school. They're drinking
Freakin listerine
They're drinking it. Yeah, because there's there's alcohol in it. So they're drinking it
God
Me
Listerine you're gonna drink that shit like
Their breath was
Is actually fresh from doing that
I'm drunkie how much fucking listerine do you really have to drink to get a buzz?
Right. That's just I don't I don't get it. I don't get it. I guess it's better than
That I don't know. I never did any of that stuff growing up like just that's so weird
I just took a beer from my dad's fucking 12 pack and yeah, right?
Like the normal sit the normal way. Yeah, the normal way
You really or or the drink then
Nyquil and shit when they're not sick and they just like to get a head change. I don't know
Yeah, I don't understand the Cezarep concept where I think it's
Corn syrup, I'm sorry cough syrup and they mix it with sprite. I want to say. Oh, yeah, I don't get that either
What is that? What is that called? I think like
I want to say I want to say it's a syrup. Oh my goodness
Kids these days
Yeah, I'm walking around with a cane and being since I'm an old lady talking like this like who the fuck snorts
nutmeg
Let me do this before I hit algebra
Ten minutes and then I just need to go home
Oh, yeah, I'm like come on a bullet get kick out of this. Yeah, I'm crazy. I'm gonna snort anything brown
Fuck same
I'm so fucking crazy. It's weird these fucking kids. Oh
What about that whole thing too or they were like?
choking themselves until they got like euphoric feelings and shit and
All these kids were talking themselves where they were having somebody I know I remember that yeah, but I don't remember how it was happening or if they were like
I don't know people are weird. Yeah
I blame social media as well because social media has a hand or I guess a hand in it since everything everything goes viral
That's stupid like that
You know, okay, speaking of that. So I you know, I'm not online
So I don't get all these like the trends or the newest like little tick tock whatever
But I heard that the newest trend or fad or whatever you want to call it was
people
want freckles
Freckles I saw that too and they're doing
Who's and with broccoli?
Wait with broccoli. What so this little I guess it's like a makeup artist or something. Okay says
dip broccoli
I guess a stalk of broccoli
Because of the little dots on
Yeah, yeah, and you put it on your cheeks like fucking freckles with broccoli who the fuck wants freckles that just means
Cancer to me. I don't know or you're exactly because like I told you I think I told you this when it was locked down
I was outside walking because I wasn't about to get fat like everybody else on lockdown. I was working out
I don't care. I was walking Pomona bullets and I didn't wear a fucking hat
I had some block on but my face is fucked up from being out during lockdown
It I have freckles all over like on my cheekbones and they're like they're not like
They're not strategically placed obviously
Like they look all like all splotchy even with makeup on it. I'm like, you know, I don't fucking care
Like if you see my freckles and you don't like them look away
They're freckles or they're already like it's like sun damage
I got serious sun damage on my fucking face and I'm still fucking tanning
I don't give a fuck about the burn spots on my skin. Yeah
Fuck you ozone layer. That's right
But yeah, I have freckles galore on my face shit
Well, yeah
Who'd have thought yeah
Hey, have you ever got like those skin tags or I think I don't think it's like in our DNA because I've had it
I had one on my neck, but you know like you I guess you can freeze them off or whatever
Yeah, yeah, I've never had a freeze them off the one that I had though
I think it's like cuz um, I was just addicted to like pinching it cuz you get like you could feel it just a little bit
I guess you've never had one right, but I guess I just fucking kept pinching it hard enough or whatever and it finally fell off
And I'm like, okay, is that all that it takes I'm just gonna keep fucking with this shit
So I didn't need to burn it up
My mom has some skin tags. Yeah. Yeah, I see the older people over women in my family too
I'm like, oh shit. Is that something I got to look forward to like what and I don't even know what causes that or why or what happens or
I don't know your skin just starts growing
I
Need somewhere new to grow and it's gonna make a mole but not really it's a skin tag
And it's all on like the neck right or yeah, I've seen it
Yeah, the ones that I've seen the one that I had was on my neck and then my mom has it
I want to say on her neck too. I think was her neck. Yeah, I want to say yeah
Yeah, my aunt has skin tags and they're on her neck and
I'm just like what the hell
It is that is that something I have to look forward to
Yeah, I don't know and I'm fucking younger the one that I had was probably like 15 years ago
So that was I don't know I see a lot of older people like you said but for some reason I got it really young
Huh? Well, I started getting fucking gray hair. I was like 19
Oh, I'm looking at I just GTS and I guess dogs get skin tags to my you know what family might have a couple oh
But what is a skin tag though it doesn't FDA cleared skin tag remover, okay? Well, whatever
They are common especially as a person ages and doesn't cause any harm skin tags tend to develop when the skin rubs together
such as armpits anus thighs
Eyelids and neck
huh
They are more common in people living with overweight and obesity who have folds of skin. There is no medical need to remove a skin tag
So it's when the skin rubs together that's weird and how the fuck does it go on your neck?
That's what I don't know exactly and then why doesn't why isn't everybody's armpits filled with skin tags?
Anus can you imagine having one on your anus and your anus though?
That's fucking crazy
eyelids I
Guess I've seen people with skin tags on their eyelids. No, yeah
Let me think about that. Maybe they were moles, but they were I guess skin tags, but they're not just like the well pronounced skin tags
I was like, I just thought that was a sty this is skin tag
Whoa
What the hell how is your eyelid gonna rub like what yeah, that doesn't make sense
It says girls can appear anywhere on the skin, but they usually develop obviously where the skin has been rubbing against skin jewelry or clothing
So even clothing
I guess that makes sense for it like
the anus part
Get your drawers up in your ass
You got a you got a thong up on in that right yeah, you can get skin tags
Oh my god, oh
You know speaking of a thong do you own many?
No, I don't have any I used to wear them, but like they're so uncomfortable
I don't I guess since we're getting older we're just like, but you know what?
I don't even really wear underwear especially since I wear sweats fucking wear it was so funny one day
I was talking to gorilla and he said something he's like I see everything and I'm like, oh, yeah
So what color am I underwear today and he's like, what the fuck are you talking about? You don't worry me?
I'm like, oh, you know me so well
It's where I'm wearing some today because I have fucking leggings on it's like why can't I just not have to wear underwear?
I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, it is a pain in the ass
Yeah, I don't know
Yeah, I don't I go commando quite often a lot. Yeah, it's just like how guys don't like to fucking wear
Fucking boxers or whatever I get you. I don't fucking like wearing underwear either
Well speaking of boxers like have you okay?
Anybody any man that you've been with have you ever been with a guy that wears those like the tiny whiteies or the
Whatever other than boxer. No, no, they've always been boxers or the boxer briefs. I guess
I've never been with it. Well, I've never been with a
An actual European. I wonder if they still wear the grape smugglers. I hope they do
I hope all you European men that I've grown to love and like the og ones at least the ones that are 50 and above because I'm 50
I hope you guys are still rocking grape smugglers if you're listening
Shit rock them grape smugglers, bitch
We should just we should be more polite and say plum
You know what grapefruit smugglers, let's go
I wonder who came up with the term grape smugglers now that you're talking about let's be more polite. You know what you're right
cream
Mugglers
I love you so much
We were drinking right now. We could totally go into
I know we'd go out
Yeah, into a whole new another atmosphere. Yeah
Taking people on a ride right now. We were fucking right. Oh, no
Yeah, sorry guys. Sorry we're sober
I'm speaking of sober. I'm so my my long beach
Buddies, they're all right one of them. I guess the group tech the group text was yesterday
They're like, so are we meeting up next Saturday? And I thought we weren't so and then one of them they're like, oh, no
I still have to do the upgrade. So I'm like, okay. I guess we're not meeting and the other ones like I still want to meet up
I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm like, all right. Well, if we're meeting up, I guess I need to start drinking this week
I'm like, I want to be able to enjoy just two beers with you guys and I can't do that like totally sober. So
We'll see what happens
Oh, well, hey
Just have a vodka crystal late. I guess I was gonna have one today, but I don't feel like I still don't feel like it
It's so weird. Like I'm old now
Whatever
Yeah, I don't know
Sometimes
Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna just tell you a story
um that happened to me the other day and
And I just feel that if I had a drink
um in me
It would have been way smoother. Um
My neighbor
I don't know. I I drop off my son at karate class and I'm coming home. His class is an hour long
So I just come home. It's a five minute drive to the karate dojo
And I come back home and I see my neighbor's son. His son seems like he's about maybe
Mid 20s late 20s
Um, you could tell that he probably has the easel, you know, he lives at home
For reasons, I guess
So he waves hi and I wave hi
I come up my driveway. I go to my door to unlock it
Tell me why the fuck?
a dog
Okay, I I love dogs. I'm cool with dogs. I'm not
This mother fucking was a beowulf like fucking huge. What what the fuck is this this was huge
I swear
It's probably an actual wolf. You know what you do live out in the fucking country, bitch
This the other fucking dog and I was so scared. I was so scared. I was trying to open my fucking door
And this this dog
Legit
Wait at least 300 pounds. I'm not sure. Yeah, that's a fucking wolf bitch
Yeah, I was just like what the fuck and it just starts sniffing my fucking leg
And it's right up on my porch and I'm trying to open my door
Okay, and I'm thinking to myself. Okay. Don't
Don't let him in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was actually like kind of waiting like I'm I'm about to
Open the door bitch because I'm coming in. I don't know and so my neighbor
He comes over and he's like come on puppy. I said, is this your dog?
And I'm trying to not
Show fear fear right at all because I was like if a bee smells fear you get stung
If the dog smells fear, I'm dead. I'm fucking dead. I am so dead
Uh, he's like come on puppy. I was like puppy
And I said, is this your dog?
He's like no
It's been on my porch for the past 30 minutes and I don't know
Who it belongs to and I was so that even made me more fucking scared because
He can't call his dog like it's not your dog. So you can't even say come here
This fucking dog just kept sniffing and I was trying to hurry up and open my door
But I just I don't know. I kind of fucking panicked. It was like the longest
So then what happened? Did he leave you alone? No, the dog just stopped
Stopped sniffing me, but it just kept its nose right on my leg
Oh, shit and
I like I don't fucking know like thank goodness. I don't have jaynie anymore and shit, but I was right like uh
I don't know like I don't know I can't run. I can't I don't I don't I don't want it
In the house. Yeah, and and the guys was like puppy. Come on. Come on puppy. Come on
Like this is not a fucking puppy. Take your fucking dog, bitch. I was like no it's not your dog
And I was like I I go I hope you
Oh good good luck finding the owner and I just tried to get the fuck in so fast
But the fact of the matter was it was the longest maybe
I don't know
It was probably 20 seconds, but it was the longest 20 seconds of my life. Yeah
I was so scared. I was scared and I and then did he finally follow the kid to his porch?
I don't I fuck you're like I don't care. I don't even know what the fuck happened. I was like i'm safe
But yeah, it was just it was just the biggest dog. It looked like a husky dog
That's a wolf, but it was just fucking huge and it didn't have a collar and I don't know it looked like it
I don't know it would probably eat deer. Yeah, it was half wolf or some shit. I don't even know yeah
I wouldn't even think wolves are that big
Bail wolf maybe but like
I don't fucking know it was just I just I wasn't I'm never scared of dogs, but this motherfucker was just
On it. It was just huge. It was like on steroids or some shit. It was just fucking huge
I was scared and I haven't been scared
So I was just thinking to myself like
Haven't been scared. Well, I hope your life insurance policy is up to date
It is but you know what good glad to hear
I'm so glad but I think I need to check the beneficiaries
You're like some people need to come off this shit. Yeah, fuck that you ain't getting shit
Even though I'm not worth too much, but
You're hilarious I'm telling you girl, I don't know but yeah, I was just thinking was the last time I really been scared
Scared was the last time you legit were scared. Can you remember?
I can't even think of anything right now. I guess life-threatening or just
Yeah, or just something startled you. I don't know just like the last time you've been
Scared, I guess the last time you're just your heart started racing because you just were scared
Nothing comes to mind right now
Huh, huh? I know it too. I was like I do get scared or whatever, but I guess not like
Nothing like what the wolf in you has happened to me that I can recall
I'm gonna have to think about that and then if I remember anything I'll bring it up next week
I mean otherwise we're gonna sit here for a long fucking hour. Just like hmm
Play the jeopardy theme song and shit. Did you tell your son? I did and my
Stereo cuz he hates dogs
Yeah, he hates dogs. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, he hates dogs
And it's Janie obviously. Uh, you know what he hated Jane too
Okay, well, let's be real. Yeah, he just doesn't like dogs. I don't know
But I get it because I think I pinpointed the reason why and
It was because I got bit by a fucking dog when we were walking into Target when he was like
Three years old. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah
It's a little fucking straight ass like I don't know. It was a dog
it was just sitting there by the entrance and
It seemed like it was just waiting for its owner to come outside. I don't know
Everybody was walking in the mechanic doors or the mechanical doors like just opening
We were walking through. I didn't think anything of it. Why the fuck did this dog just want to
Yeah, seriously, seriously, uh
Yeah
Well, I'm shit and I was like only I get the PTSD for that part then I'm like, sorry
Sorry son. What? Yeah, I was like, you know, poor thing my son. He's just like, oh shit
I was such a Karen I was like I went straight to the fucking
Prox where the proxied was I grabbed band-aids. I'm like I if you don't want me to
Yeah, because it's a fucking dog bite. Hello. Fuck you. I didn't bite you hard. Yeah, I still have the scar to this day
Did you go to the hospital? Oh
Well, I went yeah, I went to the emergency room. You're like after I
after I
Yeah, after I used to all fucking targets back in and then are you gonna pay for it? No bitch
Are you do you want to be sued ain't paying for this shit? Fuck you
Yeah, they get do something with the dog then or no
No, what's it so the dog wasn't on a leash? No, it was just like it was like
Just fucking God there. I know and I am but I kicked the fuck out of it too
And I was just like well, that's because you bit too. So
Yeah, it locked onto my hand because I put my hand up to like block it and it just locked on and
It's fucking canine just rip my
Skin yeah, it ripped my skin so bad where you could see the little
The like oh my god. Did you have to get stitches?
No, they didn't give me stitches. Okay. Well, I guess it wasn't too bad
Well, they just give me like some type of like they put like that glue on
On me. Oh
And they just you only had puncture wounds, I guess and I was like alright and they gave me
No, they made sure like they get I didn't have
They took blood and then it was like tetanus. I guess a tetanus and a
Shit, yeah, okay
Yeah, huh, yeah, I'm sorry good old fucking America for you. Um, yeah
Yeah, I don't really I love dogs
Yeah, I don't know. I mean that's a fucking angry aggressive ones that don't have a leash on them that their owner just lets them
Do their thing, you know, and it looked like a motherfucking like Benji type dog. I just one of those ready ass fucking much
Just didn't have a collar
fucking
Younger if we have younger listeners are like what the fuck is the Benji a Benjamin like the the dollar bill or whatever
I keep forgetting. Yeah
Nobody knows probably nobody knows about Benji or lassie
I fucking hated lassie and Benji. I like gentle been and flipper
The TV shows but gentle been I'm sorry, but lassie and what was the other and Benji?
I'm just like fucking boring. I hated Benji. I just thought it was the ugliest little fucking dog
Benji boring. You're gonna save nobody at least lassie save like
What was what was his owner's name or her owner's I don't remember all the doll. Oh, what about flipper?
Yeah, I like what I like to watch flipper and gentle been did you ever watch gentle been I did watch gentle been yeah, yeah
Always got a good little life lesson out of that one
Don't poke the bear yeah
Shit oh
Wow
Man, okay, so I'm gonna change topics really quick sure
I got my hair done yesterday, right?
And so my hair is finally grown out to where I can tie it up in a knot. Okay, my hair guy Matt
He's fucking gay and he has the best fucking hair. He used to do drag drag Queen stuff
Oh before COVID and then he stopped doing drag Queen whatever drag shows whatever the fuck. I don't know
Anyways, he's like Medusa now that your hair is long. How are you styling it?
During the week. I looked at him like he's a fucking crazy person. I'm like, uh, you saw how I walked in here, right?
He's like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, I tie it up in a knot. He's like
So you're growing you growing you grew up
You're growing your hair out just so you can tie it up tie it up in a knot every day. I'm like, yeah
He's like, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing that. We're curling your hair today. I'm like, we're doing what?
He's like you can curl your hair in five fucking minutes and have your fucking hair and be like on fleek for the rest of the week
Or for the day or whatever. I'm like my hair doesn't hold a curl
And if I knew how to French braid I even took a French braiding class
I can't French braid for shit if I could French braid my fucking hair and to to like
Split it down the middle and French braid and have two braids
I'm like, I could have like beachy waves and that's the only type of the curls I like. Yeah. Well, I'm gonna curl your hair anyway
Fucking fine. He's like see five minutes. He did it. My hair looked great and I'm like, but he's the hairstylist
So it would take me like 20 minutes. I don't have time and patience for that. I fucking out
He's like, so what do you do? I'm like, I blow dry it and then I flat iron it and he's like
You and every girls in their flat irons. I don't like bitch
Yes, I flat iron my hair because I don't like the fucking frizz. Yeah, and I
Just my question come on a bullet. Do you style your hair?
I do not I I blow dry
Thank you very much
So I'm like, I don't know how to French braid but like sometimes I'll part my hair and then I'll like twist
I'll do a twist and then I'll put the bobby pins in so my hair will be down
But there'll be a twist in the front and that's the extent of it and I'm like, yeah
I'm just like if I could learn how to fucking French braid I'd be fucking beachy wavy
boho girl like all day long. Oh, yeah, I I
Did buy this fucking blow dryer thing where it's called like a bae
something I don't know but
anyways, you
Put your hair and you just like you
It blow dries it's kind of like a brush one of those blow dryer brushes type deal
But it just makes your hair, but I end up looking like fucking fair faucet and shit and like I don't know
I know you're talking about so is it like a roller? It's a roller hairbrush
Yeah, but it rolls like it automatically rolls when you're drying it. No, this one doesn't automatically roll
You have to like part your freaking hair in four
segments and okay, you just kind of I
I think there's a specific way to actually fucking do it, but yeah every time I use it
I'm just like god damn it like
Yeah, I look like I like fair faucet
Charlie's angels
There we go. Yeah, Mona both would be perfect. You know what actually I was like you're gonna throw on some like
cat eyes and like
Yeah draw my lips a little bit bigger than they actually are
Good morning, Charlie
Yeah, I was like, yeah, you know what I could I could probably rock this look but
Hmm. I don't know but it just falls out my hair. My hair is so nappy
There's this yeah, I was gonna say your hair is naturally curly though
My hair isn't curly at all. It just gets frizzy, but it's just stick straight. It doesn't hold a curl for shit
That's like my hair is just fucking nappy. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it and everyone's like, oh my gosh
Your hair looks so cute. Yeah, right?
Forever to wash and blow dry
Yeah, I need some Jerry curl juice
Like
Horrible I put so much I remember back in the day when I was
I don't know junior high. I just put fucking baby oil in my hair
To tame it. Oh, so you're anything to get the frizz to go away
Yeah, and then I just started using a motherfucking iron. I was like, I'm gonna iron my fucking dickies and I'm gonna
I'm gonna iron my my wife beater and my dickies and
There you go. My hair
Her yeah, that was probably the worst thing ever, but yeah, I did that. It was all good
I'm just trying to figure out how to fucking make beachy waves and not
Fucking stress out about it because I would like beachy waves, but I just are you know wavy hair or whatever, right?
You know, what about those?
Curlers and they're they kind of they're like I kind of look like
What would you call it? Not styrofoam, but they're that foamy stuff along the long L's I guess or whatever
Yeah, you're supposed to put them in your hair and you just I have that and I haven't I bought those
Maybe last month and I haven't tried it yet. I'm gonna try I guess I'll keep you I'll do it before next Sunday
But um, I don't know if my hair is long enough on the top because I mean not all of my hair
Maybe on the top part it would be able to do that, but the rest of my hair. No because it's still
Not long enough
If that makes any fucking sense it does my hair is just barely getting to my shoulders. So um
Maybe by next summer
It's been two years since I let my hair grow out so what your hair is to your shoulders now
Yeah, it's almost to my shoulders. So um the top part or you know the front part of my hair
Yeah, the bottom part of my hair obviously has always been at my shoulder
I guess my shoulders or whatever, but the top hair is finally long enough
shoot, yeah, so
There is that
Adultine look at that like shit. I don't know sometimes I just want to shave my whole fucking head like
Fucking I was just like I'm fucking over. That's what I did like every ten years. I cut my hair or a shave all my hair
Oh, yeah, but it's so I think it's funny that hairstylist. They're like, oh, yeah
We can you can do your hair in like five minutes. They all fucking say that Pomona boys
And I'm like, that's because you're the fucking hairstylist. Yeah, the fuck you're doing so I'm
Time I told my hairstylist. I was like, you know what? I don't even wash my freaking hair four days after you curl it because like I
I can't do that. I can't my why do my arms hurt
Now all tangled in my hair because I was trying to un or to comb out the curl and now it's all tangled in
Yeah, I don't I don't give a shit. Yeah, I do that whole
You're gonna make a ponytail
But then when you have your hair tie and you're doing the second little wrap and yeah, that's how I have my hair now
Yeah, that's how I have my hair now too
Fucking twinsies right now. All right fucking out of my I need the hair out of my face
Yeah, and I hate that I have these little hairs that just keep coming down like I want them all the time same hair
It's like what is even with a gel and hairspray it still like sticks out because yeah, it's like whatever you fucking cut
It's so fucking horrible. I hate that I try to put and then I have to go to the bathroom
I'm putting more water and that that little exactly coming up like little horns. Well, you know, yeah, like I
Guess my devil horns
The are on devil woman. Yeah
All right, I think we should wrap this up we're at 52 minutes ma'am
Oh, you don't key. You have any parting words for our listeners. I do not I just hope you guys had a great weekend and
Please be safe out there. I
Agree and have a good week and the eclipse is
Tonight at midnight. It's oh, yeah, so here we go solar eclipse. Let's do this
All right guys have a good week. We will talk to you next weekend. Peace. Bye. I