What up guys just a reminder I have two new ebooks out the first one the
immaculately obscene next scene that one's getting great reviews it's got a
couple of thumbs down as well but you know what I'm not everybody's cup of
tea I get it I'm obscene just like next scene also last week feet pose maven a
foot model's diary is out now as well that's getting great reviews for all the
foot lovers out there Amazon links for both are in the show notes so get to
click in and get to buy in and get to read in all right let's get this episode
started it is a two-part series so here is part one
why does it look like there are tarantulas on my fucking eyeballs and
they're fucking my eyeball I'm like this looks so ridiculous okay trim them
or no I'm not Hollywood good morning mademoiselle good afternoon happy
Sunday bitch happy fun day Sunday so it's fucking snowing in Oregon it may
look like snow but it's ice oh shit yeah so we had this severe ice storm come
and hit us pretty bad we got down to I would say 16 degrees okay so fill me in
an ice storm it comes down directly as ice it doesn't come down a snow yeah so
it's like freezing rain they call it freezing rain holy shit it they're
anticipating snow as well but first it was flurries and flurries are the little
tiny snowflakes it comes down as rain and it gets it's so cold as it gets
closer to the surface of you know the earth or whatever it turns into little
snowflakes and it doesn't stick it'll just immediately melt so those are
very easy I learned all this by the way since I've moved here to Oregon so those
are called flurries snow the snowflakes you can see them falling and they stick
and then you can make a snowman do all okay okay okay so freezing rain it's
rain but it freezes so it's not hail it's just little freezing rain and it
just oh sorry oh it sticks isn't snow fucking rain though technically and then
it comes down to snow or no I don't know I'm gonna have to look all this but
yeah I don't know I have no freezing rain I have no idea but it's so cold here
it's freezing temperatures that the freezing rain once it fits the ground
it's just sticking and it's just becoming a sleet of ice yeah it's pretty
bad so how many days has it been going on like that for about two days now so
you're not safe to drive to work your well nope they keep telling us on the
news don't if you don't have to leave your house do not because you're slipping
and sliding there's no track right it's ice it looks like snow but you're
sliding all over the place damn so no work tomorrow then or I would hope they
would close down but I'm going so they would actually close down I was
wondering how that works yeah a lot of the restaurants and small shops around
here are closing down I know yesterday Portland was having that Lion King
performance here in town or in Portland okay they shut that down they shut down
the Moda Center which is a venue kind of like the Staples Center okay that down
and all the events going on there yeah it's pretty bad I went outside this
morning and I figured well if I'm gonna go to work tomorrow I better try to get
some of this ice off of my car oh shit my it looked like a helmet was just on my
car
oh my god yeah so me and my son go out there chipping away at the ice I shit
you not how much was on top of your car it was about three to four inches thick
oh were you able to unlock your door and all that or eventually after I chipped
away the ice oh shit yeah and then obviously you had to shovel snow or I
guess shovel ice or yeah no my car is still legit just in stuck in ice on my
driving fucking shit yeah oh my gosh I don't even know what to oh wow okay so I
sent you that video of the dog yeah you she sent me a video of her dog Janie
she's outside if she's walking but she's literally walking on about four inches
five inches of ice all that poor thing what am I supposed to do
slipping and sliding everywhere but then she went to where I start laughing in
that video because she found a section where it was obviously thinner right and
she fell in it I know for Janie sorry I let her right back in
she did hurry up and go exactly holy shit yeah so obviously don't send your son
to school tomorrow even if you don't hear about snow day oh right but luckily
for him it says three-day weekend smart new thing oh that's right okay okay well
good at least hopefully and what's the forecast call for like how much more of
this it's just supposed to be freezing temperatures till the end of the week
and then it it gets up to maybe 25 30 degrees which is so freezing but not as
bad as 16 degrees right so the ice is gonna stick around all week probably
wow girl you're a trooper I'd been like fuck you Oregon goodbye I know I was so
close but guess even if I wanted to a I couldn't drive anywhere to get right
out of here and be the airport was just flights canceled left and right
flights being delayed people stuck at the airport so right pretty much stuck is
G unit back from yeah still on spring or I guess winter break or whatever yeah
she's back she's back in the oh okay cuz I'm like how's her flight gonna be
affected okay yep she's back in the dorms okay so yeah okay well I kind of
watched the Kansas City dolphins game last night and that was until they showed
Andy Reed's fucking frozen mustache I'm like this guy I'm like this guy is
disgusting I mean he's a great coach but he's health-wise he's gross and the fact
that I have to see icicles on his fucking walrus goddamn mustache I'm like
fuck this game goodbye turned it off so gross I'm like can we talk and then the
entire fucking time I think I watched the first two or the first half the entire
time every five minutes the fucking newscaster or whatever you want to call
sportscaster had to mention the goddamn temperature I'm like you guys are
getting paid millions to be out there shut the fuck up you guys signed up for
this you know it happens all the fucking time it's cold deal with it
my dad texts me every time it's football a game is on or what not and he's like oh
so cold he's giving me a little bit of like support because you're up there
oh it's like
you're this close
God is his mother-in-law better from the COVID yet yes okay so he they were able
to I guess go back home no she never left home she's a hundred and nine or
hundred no but your your your dad was able to go back to his place oh yeah
yeah yeah okay yeah she's still here still kicking
both legs shit oh my gosh yeah so girl I have a question it's totally the 360
but we've been talking about I guess long intro so I was seeing online like the
magnetic false eyelashes and they looked interesting I'm like huh like you just
like set them on your eyes and they're supposedly they're magnetic they fucking
stay there you can take them off right how do they how I don't I don't know
whatever right supposedly self-adhesive says magnetic it's called fucking I
guess the self-adhesive glue you don't have to apply glue so my genius I've
never done fake eyelashes before I'm like oh this might um this might work out
whatever I don't have to do my fucking mascara and all that crap yeah I fucking
order this shit oh no so have you ever used fake eyelashes um in high school I
tried those with the glue and yeah but it was a worse experience I didn't even
know what the hell I was doing it was that was it okay well yeah I have only
done it once and that was like I don't know probably 30 years ago I don't
remember how to do it whatever the fuck I fucking get these kimono bullets and I
don't know about up in Oregon because it's not Los Angeles or Hollywood but
everybody has fucking fake eyelashes the eyelash transplants or whatever the
fuck they're called yeah we have a lot of eyelash salons down here so you can
get them I guess put on or I don't know I don't know what the proper term is but
there's plenty of eyelash salons down here not sure about up there anyways I
fucking order a set and I'm like let me throw these on girl why does it look
like there are tarantulas on my fucking eyeballs and they're fucking my eyeball
my eye socket I'm like this looks so ridiculous but can you trim them or no I
fucking throw them off and I'm like what I am not Hollywood I'm like all these
bitches in the fucking hanging out in the last long so I'm like I don't get it
let me try and I'm just like I look like a fucking looks so ridiculous if you
blink fast enough you fly away yes and you know what there was three the three
different types there was normal I guess or I guess just to make your eyelashes
look fuller and then the one that I got was in the middle so it wasn't like over
the top and then there was the over the top ones right I get the middle one I'm
just like well maybe I should have tried the fucking normal
damn it I should have taken a picture I was so pissed it should have I fucking had
tarantulas fucking my eye socket
but were they pretty secured did the magnet work I yeah I guess it did but
it didn't land on my eye on my eye line right I don't even know if I'm saying
that correctly I don't know I was I was just like you know I guess if I could
try it a couple more times I tried it twice and I'm like I'm done I look
ridiculous are they just like one time use and then toss them or no I guess you
can use them until they stop sticking to your eyelid I don't know
right you're laughing I was just like I can't believe I spent 20 bucks on this
shit but at least it was 20 bucks I don't know bitches go to the the lash salon I
don't even know how much they charge hundreds hundreds and then they and then
they have to keep going back because obviously they fall out right so I was
just like um yeah I'm so glad I didn't fucking sign up for that shit oh it's
just like it's a form of extensions or what like price yeah I guess extensions
yeah I don't know whatever but I thought you get a kick out of that you know they
they have that here too but I guess it's not as prominent you have to go down
here I have to go to the city they had to drive to Portland on frozen ice if you
need to yeah exactly I did right and these girls just look I guess it's the
new it's the thing I don't know yeah it's the thing down here too and I thought
I'd try it but just not the legit way I guess I don't know that for the people
who do use them that's cool it's just totally not me at all well I'm glad you
voiced that because I was on the fence about it I think I look ridiculous I
don't know people might say that it looked okay but I was just like this is
just not me so here we are well I heard a horror story from a gal here in
Oregon and she told me that she got mice you know what I read an article on that
I guess like for the last look if you get to like the last salon or the
extensions or whatever there's a somebody might I guess might is it but I don't
want to say what's called crabs but lights oh my I guess I want to say was
a life I could be wrong maybe it's mice but I guess that's because they they
stay on your eyelids or did she say how she got it or whatever yeah I I guess she
was so she wasn't properly cleaning them oh he didn't know that she had to clean
them and so I asked her I said well did you use makeup remover do you put
mascara on the fake lashes yeah and how does that work yeah she's like no no no
I don't put mascara you just have the lashes and it's supposed to eliminate
the need for the mascara okay and she said that she had them on she would just
wash her face like normal but she didn't know that there was a proper technique
to take care of them did she leave them on the in are like all time or yeah would
you take them on nope there were those I don't like you said I don't know how I
think they glue them or like with the permanent glue but it's not okay
permanent yeah yeah yeah fall out and whatever over time so she said she had
them for about two months okay and she got mice and how did she is it just itchy
yeah she said it was scary yeah and first when she said she got mites I'm
thinking lice you know bugs yeah or like where you could see him crawling or
their eggs and all but you can't know it's oh you think about it there's dust
mites do we see them like oh I didn't even think about that you're right yeah so
I'm assuming they were pretty microscopic or small oh what happened did she go to
the doctor or she figured out that it was the eyelashes yeah she figured it out
because she went to the doctor her eyes were itching really bad to the point where
she thought at first it was allergies oh no and so she was just taking you know
a suit of bed and Claritin right and then it got worse and her eyes were eye lids
puffed up and they were itching so bad she thought maybe she had pink eye oh
damn she went to the doctor for that to just get whatever the drops or whatever
they prescribe you for pink eye okay and they said this is a pink eye bitch oh god
damn yeah but she said two days after she removed the lashes and everything was
fine put the little topical whatever the doctor gave her yeah uh-huh fine
swelling went down the redness went away no more my yeah and the curling iron or
the little crimper the eyelash curler or whatever it's called it is doing it oh
my god okay well good to know I will totally not do I think I'm too old for
them anyways right well I if you're all that I'm totally archaic no I don't know
I'm just too if there's too much upkeep for something I can't I pass I'm good well
the I guess there's no really upkeep I guess if you go to the lash along except
you just need to make sure you sanitize them yeah I guess it's a certain little
oil or or a stringent that you're supposed yeah it's almost like when you
get hair extensions they want you to take care of that hair with certain little
right oils or whatever the hell I never had extensions I wouldn't know but I hear
stories just wash your eyelids out with rubbing alcohol
blow dry them on hot oh my goodness so I thought there was a game on now I'm
going back and forth I thought there was a football game on right now but there's
no football on maybe till tonight or did it get canceled was the game supposed to
be today but it got canceled for the bills or whatever yeah I think the bills
got canceled due to inclement weather now yeah okay so there because I thought oh
go ahead I'm sorry I was just saying so they're playing a rerun or something oh
that's okay so on Instagram because I don't know if you heard but the bills I
guess the New York bills stadium they offered people $20 an hour and to shovel
the snow so of course you know bills mafia you know right there's a greater
nation but bills mafia like takes everything to like the fucking utmost
level I have nothing but respect for bills mafia I don't give a fuck what
people say there's motherfuckers out there fucking shoveling snow shirt top
list the guys and I'm like you know what that's a real man I guess because that
would never be me you guys are like below whatever I guess obviously their
weather is a little bit worse than you yours yeah on a bullet but I was just
like wow got it that motherfuckers are crazy mad respect because I was outside
I was outside for five minutes I came back inside when I was chipping this ice
up of my car right I gotta I gotta defrost like my fingernails are gonna
right well you can't even feel on so speaking of ice no power issues right
no knock on wood thank God okay but on the news it said there was a hundred and
twenty thousand customers without power well as long as it's not you guys because
you guys already had your fucking thing I know but I'm ready this time good I'm
glad never now
crazy and I know you sent me that are you told me about your neighbor with the
Christmas decor that was gonna be one of my um tidbits for today as well there's
people here pomeon a bullet set still have the Christmas shit up as well and
I'm like it's Martin Luther King's birthday this weekend can you guys take
it down so your neighbor is not the only one like I'm just like are you guys
like in a time warp we're into January mid January the thing with my neighbor is
that 18 foot skeleton is year-round I can't believe you guys need a real H.O.A.
I swear to God and he he advanced because he had that a little one that
looked like it would be in like a classroom or something when you're
right and he had one of those hanging in front of his house and everybody would
bitch and complain like hey Halloween's over can you take that down now so he
came up with this marvelous plan to just dress the skeleton according to the
holiday yeah so it was a fest what's he gonna do for Valentine's Day is he gonna
dress it up as Cupid oh my gosh he dressed the little one up in a red
tutu and those little yes yes okay well I was joking but and then for um maybe
for Easter he could put a cross behind it and then just fucking nail him to the
cross that one I would be down for even better even fucking better
shit now he advanced he got that 18 foot one in his fuck man he got that one
ridiculous Halloween last year so I thought oh he's just it's gonna be
Halloween please please just be for Halloween no no that's why I sent you
that picture I'm like this dude but Christmas lights to show he has a heart
I guess whatever sir I'm surprised nobody in the neighborhood's like tried to
or does he he probably has yeah he has okay because I'm like I'm surprised
nobody's tried to take it down and like remove it like when you know the sun
goes down I actually was gonna pay a neighbor kid $40 you're like please
just take take one for the team take one for the street okay and then he comes
back a week later I see him he's like I can't do it so where's some heels or
something to throw off your height
horrible I don't I don't know I don't know what's going on with that guy
fucking loser I guess I don't know maybe I shouldn't say loser I don't know what
the proper term is but he needs to get over it yeah how about that
the tombstones you know how people put oh my god he still has those up yeah he's
keeping those up it seems like he's he's on a winning streak now so it's it's
gonna be February soon so the tombstones are still up yeah yeah that's I don't
know he's bringing down the value of my house yeah and for the whole entire
fucking neighborhood I'm gonna start a petition oh so you're you have a hot
tub so the water's frozen inside the hot tub right no I would assume mm-hmm nope
how does it stay what are you like it has a heater then or how does that stay
yeah the hot tub stays plugged in your round and oh the jets go on periodically
just to keep the water circulating so oh okay so that I guess but it doesn't
freeze when it's not on nope because it's heated the water stays heated otherwise
oh it stays heated got it okay and then I have the lid on it right and I did
notice though that I guess I don't the scientific terms I don't know but there
was icicles huge ice cold hanging from the lip of the lid also it overflowed I
guess I don't know I don't know if it was maybe it was just it's hot and so when
the ice would fall on top of it maybe it started melting it you know what that's
probably I don't know looking like Andy Reed's musta shit oh my gosh I know it's
just been at first I woke up and I was thinking oh it's snowed snow I slip right
my driveway oh and I hope you didn't land on your tailbone no no I managed to
grab my car before I like completely hit the ground okay so now I have a question
but what are your hours to Merle for work that are you back to your regular
hours since it's no longer Christmas yeah I'll be well seven to four okay so
what time are you do you have to start digging that your car out of the fucking ice
then or whatever I'm thinking four o'clock and I'm gonna have all right
fucking god maybe two hours do you have a really long extension cord you're gonna
take your hair dryer okay well you might want to do that I don't know if that
will help I don't know I don't know the tricks of the trade either but when I
was watching the news which I never do but I was they kept emergency news
report whether and they kept interrupting anything I was watching on TV and
they were saying what you should not do that are common mistakes and one of them
which before I saw this on TV I was thinking to do exactly what they just
told me not to do they said number one do not pour hot water oh yeah yeah no
because you'll crack your windshield your windshield crack mm-hmm I was like
shit you can do regular water from the hose though that'll help hmm but it's
oh I don't know if it worked for me down here but I don't have like four inches
of fucking goddamn ice stuck to my windshield either like a thin layer
and the freezing ice it's it's like hail but they're just super small super
right and pellets yeah I call it pellets or whatever yeah and they just fall
and they hit you and it stings your face yes I'm just I'm over it I'm over it
shit it'll be spring time soon I swear and then the nutria will be back yep and
all the allergies and the frogs oh yeah goddamn um any more spiders or wolf
spiders going on or they hibernate during this time of year to hopefully I
believe they hibernate because I have okay god anything sweet yeah fucking
living on wildlife goddamn or gone
oh don't remind me I have a great idea oh move north mmm crazy but I've been
drinking a lot of water lately and I came across some information which I
don't know if it's true but you know how they say everybody should drink at
least eight glasses of water a day yeah okay so I came across some information
where this doctor was saying a glass of water is tip a typical glass of water is
eight ounces okay so if you're gonna drink eight glasses of water a day you're
drinking 64 ounces of water that's half a gallon and he said that's false so and
you wonder why you're gaining weight he said to stay hydrated and to lose weight
or whatever you whatever it is that you need to weigh yourself divide it in half
and then that's not many ounces of water you should be drinking a day well how
about stop eating junk drink a gallon of water a day and get some movement in
and lift some fucking weights and then you can eat whatever the fuck you want
at the end of the day and you won't put weight on how about that doctor Jesus
Christ I was like huh if I wasn't gonna go by it but I wanted to do my
calculations and I said to myself it doesn't seem right I'm not an internet
doctor but that does not seem right I'll just stick with my eight glasses right
in front day yeah I often drink more than that but I'm just glad you're not
drinking three red bowls a day anymore oh you're like I would but I value my
life right shit as much as you may not think I do enjoy waking up in the morning
waking up to go to work or trying to do the fucking nice bullshit yeah okay so
here's another question now that because I've never lived in well I was born in
Canada but I moved when I was five so that doesn't really count so if your
store were to be closed for I guess snow day or whatever the proper term is for
that they would call you like how far in advance or they have like a call-in the
hotline or whatever that you need to call to check if you you're supposed to
show up to work the next day I don't know oh no I well where I currently am
working nobody's told me anything about that so are you gonna call tomorrow
yeah if the roads aren't safe for okay because shit where I used to work at the
the credit union they gave you this little card and it was your inclement
weather emergency line and they would you can call it and they would just give
you updates like we're gonna still be open but if your shift right this day
we're opening up late or yeah that's what they need to do for your current job I
would think I don't know yeah you would think but I don't I don't know because I
am not gonna risk it just to exactly I'm actually I have I have some anxiety
building up a little bit I'm trying to nip it in the bud but right but I don't
so yesterday my son tells me mom mom mom look out the window look look look look
look so I ran over to the office where I can look out the bedroom the office
windows to see in the street okay one of the neighbors is pulling out of their
driveway and and they're going slow but the minute they got on the street their
car just started sliding and turning oh no spinning and it was spinning it was
going pretty slow picked up speed and it hit a parked car oh god damn it and I
just thought to myself yeah we're not going anywhere anywhere there's no way
it's not even safe to be like like I'll order door-dash no because they're
probably not driving either because hello exactly shit and it's not like
chains are gonna work chains can give you extra traction for snow or but not for
ice not for ice fuck you need a fucking hovercraft I need some ice cakes right
a mechanical sled god damn okay well I just yeah I know you're smart so hopefully
if I if it's not safe to drive tomorrow then just call out yep gonna have to I
don't have any sick time but oh well I'm not alive I can't eat I will never be
sick and you know what you're hilarious
so I want now that that poses another question so like say like the neighbor
that you said that you saw it like when it picked up speed it hit hit a parked
car he's his insurance has to pay the other people's car even though right I
would because it is that fault yeah absolutely absolutely see don't go to
work tomorrow it's like that I don't know what happened I guess I lost
connection because all of a sudden it just went dead so sorry about that no
worries well we can pick that we left off yeah so what I was saying I don't
know if you heard it I think I was already cut off or it ended or whatever
but you're giving me anxiety just thinking about all the possible scenarios
so just be safe tomorrow yeah I'm just I was I don't even know how I guess
nobody actually even left the neighborhood well a couple but I'm I don't
know why maybe they were gonna try to get to work I don't know but right part
when I was outside this morning and all the cars were just still it's the same
right there but then again you if it's ice you don't really see the tire yeah
anything so black black ice right um term or no I think so I think
I don't want no comments below saying black eyes that's called sweet
it's blurry flavor that was snow that was flurries yeah I don't know it just
all of a sudden I start stressing out about it shit I know okay well but just
wish me luck bestie I am wishing you luck I want you to be safe and I want the
universe to keep you protected and your car so you don't have to deal with any
of that shit yes
god damn okay yeah well yeah I'm trying not to see now I'm all my heart
starting to race it's like oh my god okay I'm all fidgeting now I'm sorry
all right girl well I know we just got back on but I'm looking at the time
because I have that appointment so I need to call it a day on my end is there
anything else that you wanted to speak of me and our podcast today the only
thing I'm gonna do is just make sure all my gadgets phones and everything is
charged just a yes and I'm and you have all your batteries ready to go oh yeah
your flashlights and I guess your emergency food supplies yep I'm ready
I'm ready this time you're ready okay well I hope you have a good week and I
will keep you in my thoughts all week with your ice and hopefully it'll start
melting yes all right have a good week have a good week too bye guys bye