What up Baroque Medusa here. Just a reminder my new book Only Fans Funds got picked up
by independent publisher Alien Budapest and it's available in paperback and on Kindle.
Amazon link is in the show notes so click on it and get to reading.
Okay I understood the strategy about hot scotch but the little fucking rock that people would
throw and shit like I didn't know what that fucking meant. So maybe if the the
maybe if the fucking rock was um alcohol maybe both of us would understand the
entire fucking game all together welcome to our podcast.
Good day. Best day was so best day right rock star fucking fucking change right. I just took my first sip and I'm like you know what I told you this morning when I talked to or I guess when I texted you that I wanted to start drinking already but I'm like let me get my shit done because once we start podcasting I swear to God I got when we start getting tips in like I just need to edit the podcast.
And chill the fuck out for the rest of the day.
I know when you texted me and I read that I was like oh what I would do for a drink while I'm doing these fucking dishes.
So what happened to what happened to the dishwasher it just doesn't power on or what.
I have no fucking clue. One this dishwasher is brand well it's about a year and a half not even two years old.
Okay. And I don't know I it was working fine everything was cool and then all of a sudden my son and I we load up the dishwasher for the evening and going to hit start and it sounds funny and then all of a sudden we get this error message and it says F. T. D.
I was like what the fuck is this and so I open it up I make sure everything's like I don't know what I fucking close it again put it start and it's all F. T. D. be be be be my son T. D. stands for fuck the dishes.
Yeah.
That's the error code. Fuck it. Paper plates. It stands for failure to drain and I realized that it's not. Oh water's not even coming into the dishwasher anymore. I don't fucking well as long as it didn't flood your fucking kitchen.
No that my refrigerator did that so. Oh dear God. I know. And you see my shit. It's not like all old and it's brand new. Fuck and fuck. Well I think this was my fault though because it kept saying I needed to change the filter and I bought those filters that come with it and it's supposed to be like every six months or three months if you're good and you're on top of shit but three to six months you change this shit.
What's the. So I never know. Diswashers have filters. No this was for the fridge that flooded my kitchen. Oh OK. So and I'm assuming that's for the ice maker that which doesn't work and why change it. Yeah. Well but I do use the water.
So OK. I'm like all right. Change this shit. The fucking little filter light keeps blinking. I have filters. I change it. OK. My bad for maybe not really reading the directions or whatnot. I didn't know you had to fucking pull out the refrigerator. Turn off the fucking water.
To change the filter. Girl. Yes. Oh fuck that shit. For the picture moving forward. Yeah. I was like this is so fucking ridiculous. So I changed the filter. I pulled a little fuck her out. It's like a missile.
I'm just like putting another one in and I just hear. I was like maybe I didn't put it in right. So I'm like hitting it and turning it. And then all of a sudden it's like mom the kitchen flooded. What. We had to get a bunch of fucking towels. Yeah.
I guess I had to turn off the water. I just yeah. I was like F. M. L. Fuck my life. Yeah. But I'm just like you know I'm trying to call fucking plumbers and handyman whoever they're like we that sounds weird your dishwasher.
I was like yeah it says failure to train. I at least Google that error code. Right. Like I have no idea. And I go but fucking home cheapo had a contractor fucking this put this installed a fucking thing. And it did seem a little fishy when I'm underneath the sink.
It's like why the fuck do I have three feet of plastic tubing that goes from the yeah it's like you can you wouldn't think doll it probably you would think they would cut it just hey she only needs like maybe a foot if that not this coiled as shit and maybe it's all clogged or I don't
know. Or maybe he didn't install that fucking tube. Yeah I'm just like oh my gosh no I have a fucking plumber coming in on Tuesday. Lo's doesn't have a contractor to check shit out. Yeah but I bought it from Home Cheapo so.
Oh okay they're not really trying to help me they're like bitch we don't give a shit if you work for us like you bought it from the competitor.
Oh fuck yeah and my son just thinks it's the worst thing ever. Wash dishes by hand now. Oh god I did. I haven't had a dishwasher since I moved back home and let me tell you it's a pain in the ass.
There's always fucking dishes and they're always fucking like. Yeah it's kind of like I don't fucking care. I thought I came up with a grandmaster plan I'm like fuck this I'm only going to have 14 forks.
That means two forks one fork a day for the week me and my son and fuck that like you have to wash them that way dishes won't pile up. Well that didn't fucking work that didn't fucking work at all. It was the worst fucking idea.
I'm still having to wash shit I fucking hate it. I hate dishes and it makes it it puts a damper on my life because I want to cook.
But then I think about I'm like but I don't want to wash dishes that sounds good but I don't want to fucking wash all those dishes exactly washing dishes is fine but it just takes up too much time especially when you're cooking which takes up a lot of my fucking time and meal prepping to just fucking takes up all my fucking time but I'm like I don't like fucking
half of the takeout shit and then just whatever fuck my life. Okay really quick what are you drinking because I totally bypass that shit.
I'm getting loose on the goose today.
So great goose and some, I know cranberry juice and my son's like do you have a UTI.
They said no. No. Why mom is drinking that second whatever drink there is on the market now I saw on TV. Because we all right. Yeah, but that's what I'm doing I'm doing some some goose.
Okay. Well guess what I'm no longer a punk bitch I'm like if I'm a rock star I should drink like a rock star so I just had my first shot of I guess I shouldn't call it a shot. My first serving of Bombay sapphire on the rocks because I'm not a pussy anymore.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm feeling good smells like yeah but you know whatever and then of course I have my my hydration which is vodka crystallite fruit punch is the flavor once we got.
Fuck yeah you double fisting. That's right big shit I got like three shots left of Don Julio 70 and I'm like you know what I need and then I looked at my you always asked me like what how is that sapphire not gone yet I think I have like four shots left of that so I was just like
okay I'll order from Sam's the Don Julio 70 once I'm done with the fucking sapphire.
Yeah, I really want some sapphire now I'm going to put a in my.
It tastes really good.
It tastes really fucking good I'm like you know what I'm back on it now I don't give a fuck.
Yes, I'm going to put some break.
Some sapphire shots and some Tito shots in my council in my car from my lunch breaks.
Oh my god let's talk about Friday because I was running late and I fucking look at the clock it's 558 I'm like god damn it I have to leave because you know I start work at six and I'm like I don't have time to make my fucking drink I get to work the meeting is canceled that I host because everybody's off except for me and like a couple people and I'm like.
Good damn it I left my steno pad at home I was I was a hot mess Friday took forever to get over with but you know what it finally got over and I was just really mad I'm like I need to start carrying vodka in my console like pomegranate balls.
Yeah girl fucking life savers man town you hide it under my beanie.
Well because I don't want to throw them away until like I get home but then I keep thinking to myself well fuck if I got pulled over technically it's an open.
Right open empty container at my lunch it's five o'clock leave me alone.
And then you just hear clink clink clink clink clink clink so it's like my beanie in there.
I can solve that problem real quick and then you're the clink clink on your head you're like no it's just my loose marbles.
I'm like what the fuck Medusa are you here clink clink.
Kill four people.
Kill four people I swear.
That's right.
So speaking of vodka.
I didn't realize you love feel Vaughn that comedian so I hope you start listen I just realized he has a podcast I should have realized that a long time ago I sent it to my brother and he's like yeah I've been listening to his podcast for like a long fucking time where the fuck you been I'm like, well maybe he should have shared it with me.
I don't know.
Well do you watch his stand up.
I've been listening to his podcast.
Yeah his stand up is fucking hilarious.
He's so he's so funny.
I fucking love him he's a he should be a national treasure right next to beast mode, Marcia on.
Yeah, oh Theo he I was actually listening to one of his podcast he had who Bobby Lee.
Oh yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah, he's talking about Bobby Lisa.
I went on these dating apps or whatever. He's like, I was getting so many hits, he's like, I was excited he was it till I would talk to a few of these gals that would hit him up, and they're just like, can you hook us up with Theo.
That is fucking hilarious.
I would have been fucking Bobby if I would have known you were on the dating site I would have hit you up to just for Theo.
I've fucking I only listened to one episode and that's with Nick's worst and I fucking love Nick's worst and so I told you and I told my brother because my brother already listened to but I'm like, I guess he was stranded I don't know where the fuck you stranded during
the day, but was that a resort he had a resort, because I guess a lock down and feels like how much money did you end up spending over there like a million dollars he was like, maybe half of that because he was stranded, but I was just like, fuck.
I just, what's it called. Sorry, I'm already like tipsy.
I guess Nick's worst and was at the bar all day one day. I texted you this, the waiters or the waitress or the waiters just like hey I just want to let you know you went through an entire bottle of great goose and he's like cool.
Can I have one more drink, please.
And I'm like, this is my boy if he asked me to marry him, I would be like yes let's go.
Yes, I fucking love Nick's worst and he's so fucking hilarious.
I was like his fucking stand up like somebody farted or something.
Okay, that's my favorite stand up and it's no I guess it was a comedy central stand up because it's no you can't find it anywhere to like buy so you can stream it online.
Like, yeah, that's my favorite stand up by him because I'm a fucking immature 12 year old tomboy forever.
And then him in when he was in grandma's boy.
I still love him in a freaking Reno 911 he's a little scary Terry the roller skating.
Yes, that's where I first fell in love with her.
And that fucking TV show period is just fucking.
That should be I guess, I don't know, put in history I don't know what the proper term is but I fucking love Reno 911.
Who's your favorite character on Reno 911. You know what I like the. Oh gosh, what's her name. It's, it's the girl that the.
What's her name.
Yes. Okay, true. Yes, my favorite one with the short hair that has a crush on them, the main guy or that, I guess with the little short shorts.
Yeah, and I'm like, I'm always gay, but you know, he's so just fucking ridiculously stupid.
Oh, she's my babe. I think she's mine too. I love that whole fucking just show is so hilarious and I started watching it so I'm like, because pops is a cop and right.
I'm like, this is what you guys do. Remember when I don't know if you saw the episode where there was a bunch of girls going on a scavenger hunt and they needed to take a picture with a cop and a donut.
Oh yeah.
What about when they had to, I guess practice or I don't know what it's not called practice but like practice like a hazardous situation or like, or like they're training.
And treaties in a fucking hazmat suit and just they fucking hold her down.
Do you have a Roku TV.
I do not. Okay, because Roku there's a Roku. I didn't realize Roku TV. I know it's a Roku TV but I'm like, oh Roku actually has a TV channel on their Roku TV.
Anyways, they picked up. There's one there's two. I want to say there's two seasons brand new of Reno 911. That's exclusively just a Roku.
Oh, yeah, and I want it's ridiculous as always but I don't remember. I don't think Nick is on there much.
The role of Terry but I watched it was like the regular or that you know the normal cast so yeah. God that show and the fucking movie did you ever watch the movie. Oh yeah, of course.
Of course.
Yeah.
Oh, fucking. This is fucking great great that's. Yes.
Okay, so you know we're in the month of November right.
Thank God Halloween's over.
Right. Thank you. You know what there's I have to ask us people still and I fucking love Halloween I love fucking horror movies.
But can you take the decorations down from your fucking house.
Oh my god, bitch.
The neighbor neighbor yeah I was just gonna ask.
I don't know if a little fucker is going to have that shit up all year long probably, but then caddy to the other side of me. That neighbor already has Christmas motherfucking lights up and I'm thinking about fucking what am I going to do for Thanksgiving and what's
like I keep getting black Friday emails from like retailers and I'm like bitch what the fuck calm down who still shops for fucking Christmas I fucking hate Christmas simply because I was born on Jan 5 my birthday is always overshadowed because of the fucking Christmas because of Jesus and because of New Year's so you know what kindly fuck off or both those two holidays it's
my birthday. Absolutely that should be a national holiday right there. That's right.
Fuck that.
I'm just glad I'm down to one kiddo so it's like alright dude just put whatever the fuck you want in the Amazon cart and I will just get it delivered and I'm going to wrap up the fucking boxes I'm not even going to fucking take out nothing just whatever.
That's what my brother did one year we were over at his house.
I was it was two.
Maybe three years ago my dad was still alive. And he's like hey I have Amazon up what do you want for Christmas I'm like.
Okay and he's like just put it in the car I'm done.
Yeah, see smart minds think alike.
I'm like oh that's really smart I normally just give you cards or whatever. Yeah, and then you don't have to get that awkward fucking whatever a vase or something like how the fuck am I going to wrap this like no it comes in a fucking box and it looks all pretty.
A big handle of fucking vodka or don Julio 70 call it a day. Oh my gosh my dad one year bought me a membership to like Bev mo.
Yes and what's the membership give you or whatever.
I would get well I'm not really a wine drinker but fuck it if there's alcohol in it I'll take it but I would get five bottles of wine every month every month.
Oh like one of the month club or whatever. Yeah but you got five of them you get a re sling of fucking red wine a pin I don't don't quote me on how I'm saying.
Yeah, that was crap for it. And I'm like okay got all that shit, and I would get fucking 50% off of my purchase over $50 so you got to.
Oh wow. Yeah for the fucking year and I was like, what you daddy.
This is fucking the best gift ever fucking best gift ever but I don't think we have a Bev mo here and Oregon and I don't know if they.
I don't I used to like frequent Bev mo when I lived in Huntington Beach. Um, but I don't remember that that was.
It was like a Bev mo Christmas fucking wonderful goddamn gift ever and I feel bad because my dad's birthday is on Christmas.
Oh, that's right. Yeah, and I'm always just like he's always very Christmas and giving me gives him like that is just so shitty because it's your birthday dude, like gosh, so I always go like out.
I'll get him nice last.
Okay, so he still drinks. Oh, my dad, my dad says, I would come down I would love to meet your dad.
No, are you sure. I'm totally fucking sure.
And speaking of meeting people remember because I picked up my fucking frame my, my custom framed Baroque Medusa thing on whatever day was Friday.
I passed by Chili's I and then I have a flashback of the time that I was already at Chili's and then you showed up with a guy.
Julian. Yeah, your friend or your boyfriend or I know that's my but that's my buddy.
He was actually my roommate at the time. Oh, okay.
Got it because I'm like, I remember her showing up with a guy one time and they were cool but I'm like, I don't know if their boy if that was your guy or what we were just all hanging out fucking getting drunk.
Yeah, and he like picked up our tab and I was like, thank you bud.
Like, no, yeah, I was like, hey, you can always come he's like you girls are a little too much.
Really were not.
No, I will.
I'll go ahead.
I was like, take a selfie of us and you're calling the bartender moobs.
And then we were like, you were just in yet.
I think I grabbed his moobs.
Yeah, you're just like show us your moves and like, he kept telling us we need to simmer down and we were just not going to simmer down. I don't know.
Yeah.
And then we made him take a bunch of selfies of us or not selfies take pictures of us because back then I don't think we had selfie sticks or anything that no was it an actual camera or the phone.
I shows up when you text or call me I have that picture still.
Oh, you never show that to me when I saw. Okay, you have to show that to me again when are you have to show it to me when I we hook up again because I don't remember.
You told me that but I'm like, I don't remember seeing. I don't remember that night at all.
Oh my gosh, we looked.
We were so young.
We were so young and I still wore hoops.
Oh my God, you still you still wore what hoop the earrings.
Oh, I used to wear hoops all the time I haven't worn hoops I stopped wearing hoops because I have my head, those giant princess like headphones when I go to work.
I have them permanently attached to my, my fucking head or my ear so I'm like I can't wear hoops because they get in the way so I actually now that you say do you wear earrings when you go to work.
I do I wear.
Okay, not the hoops that I wear on the weekend hoops.
The door knockers bracelets.
I don't wear the door knockers anymore but I really need to I hope my fucking holes didn't close up shit.
But it does suck because if I'm on the phone and shit it's like, it gets in the way so I was just like I need and plus my hair is short so like I don't like to wear it because my hair short but normally if my hair is long like yours I'll tie it up or whatever.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, did I ever tell you um so I don't think I dress black, but my boy my boy Blaine when I used to work at Long Beach.
So I always have my hair tied up like in a knot. Do you know what they are one girl work called me top not when I used to work for the city of Long Beach because it was a high, a high bun and then yeah hoops.
And then I guess just the way I dress or whatever with the AJ ones and shit. So fucking blame.
Blaine is like, I'm like, oh yeah, I was telling him I'm like oh yeah I'm half Austrian and half Filipino.
He's like, you ain't mixed with blood.
And I'm like, no.
He's like, what?
He's like, I thought you were a light skinned black girl and I'm like, no.
I'm like, I think you need to get your and this is before I actually knew Blaine right because I was telling my boy Marquise I'm like, look, I was going to tell him I've had black in me but I don't have like in me.
Because you know my daughter is 25% black right.
And I'm like but now that I know Blaine the way I know Blaine I was just like, whatever boy.
But I'm like, no I think you need to go the optometrist he's like I thought you were a light skinned black girl.
You need to go to the doctor.
You need glasses.
Girl I got that my whole life because my Islander hair.
Or if guys would.
I would hook up with a dude and we're in a relationship and I would take a shower and don't do shit to my hair until the morning.
Whoa.
Like whoa and then there is a point in life, my life where I was a little chubby and the weight just goes in a certain area.
Like, I mean, it would be nice.
My arms would just kind of pan out but no.
It doesn't just go straight to a butt and it's like what the fuck so that's where it's supposed to go.
I guess you know pays my stomach is just goes to the booty that's fine and I will never forget I constantly living in so Cal.
I would go to liquor store and I remember there's like a good looking black dude and he's just like, suck girl.
Hey, so you got black in you and I didn't have my hair straight at that.
I was just like I go to the store.
So I was like, no, and I fell right into it.
So do you want some?
I was like, oh, dude, that's a good one.
Gotta give it to you.
That's a good one.
But no, thank you.
You know what's crazy is so my daughter is Austrian Filipino black and Hawaiian and she has the thinnest fucking lips.
And then there's me who's half Filipino and I look like my fucking dad Austrian but I have the fullest fucking lips and somebody was like, see, somebody told me that like those are white girl lips and I'm like, well, I'm not fucking white, but well, I guess Austrian is white.
But I'm just like, I don't know.
I'm like, I don't know how my daughter did not get full lips with being like 25% Filipino Hawaiian and fucking black.
Girl, I got hair lips to every fucking doing that Mexican thing where I just draw over the.
Oh, go ahead.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm just saying like fuck how the fuck do I have these little fucking hair lips.
And then my daughter's born and then she's like boom, like she got like a like Botox or just like boom just like these cute little fucking lips.
I'm like, damn, got some luscious lips like shit.
The fuck happened here.
And now that we're talking about I guess genetics or whatever so my daughter doesn't have full lips.
But she got my dad's green eyes.
Oh my God, or I guess my dad had blue my dad had blue eyes but obviously if my daughter is black Hawaiian, Austrian Filipino, her eyes are green.
And I'm just like you got that from pop out I'm like I'm so fucking jealous like I have fucking brown eyes like I have the shit brown eyes right but yeah, like well at least my daughter panned out good.
I'm telling you, I know my mother has like these hazel green eyes and shit and I get the brown fucking shit eyes and my dad's like it's because you're full of shit.
That's why your eyes.
I said all right well to say agreed.
Thanks pop. Yeah. Yeah, I get your shitty brown eyes then because you're full of shit too.
Right. Full of shitter. Yeah.
I was gonna go with November before I forget because you know I'm already fucking lit the fuck up. Okay, so it's the month of November and I'm looking on my Google calendar because that's where I schedule all my shit I don't know if you use Google the Google calendar or if you have appointments or whatever.
I got the fucking outlook calendar that's my only calendar is work.
So I use I use Google for my calendar right I'm like, Oh, okay so it's the month of November that's great. You know Thanksgiving is this month right.
Yes, right. But as of November 1 November month the entire month of November is Native American month and I'm like, how rude is that it's Native American month but where it celebrate celebrating Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving is what when the right hand comes over and fucking says guess what I'm going to eat your corn.
I'm going to cornhole you and now your land is mine to the Native American. How fucked up is that.
I know.
Miracle.
I'm just fucking rude I'm like, can you pick another month for Native Americans.
You know, yeah, I can you stop keeping their whole town in cages.
Oh, guess what, really, I do have a casino.
Oh yeah, fucking that's.
Fuck, fuck that.
So I don't know, but yeah, I don't I don't honestly I just play along with the whole, and it's mostly for my kids sake I guess because I don't want them to be weirdos and like oh you know Jehovah witness like we don't celebrate, but I kind of.
Yeah, like what the fuck we're not eating turkey.
I'm fucking over turkey but I was I saw a commercial today because my mom fucking wants to make turkey and I'm like it's always dried out.
And I'm gonna stuff the turkey with stuffing to order she make it separate.
Or does she make stuff.
Does she does make stuffing does she put it inside the.
I don't know I'm fucking over I'm like I don't even want to be here for Thanksgiving.
I was watching them live TV because you know my brother subscribes to yeah or is it yeah no I'm sorry you to TV for the fucking NFL season. Okay, but Popeyes has, I guess.
Asian Turkey. Yeah, and I saw that commercial commercial this morning when I'm watching ESPN I'm like, if we're.
I just, I don't know, are you doing Thanksgiving I can't, I love my family but I can't do my family for things. Well the good thing is is that I don't fucking have family up here, except my sister and my niece but they're going out of town so okay and.
The G unit was her birthday is coming up and I was like well okay I don't know is either Thanksgiving.
I can do both no. But yeah, do you have to work on black writing.
Yeah I guess it's retail thing it's like a carnal sin if you don't work I don't know they that's what I thought. And I was like I'm not even on the floor I'm not even selling but well that's good.
I'm gonna have to just fucking correct everybody's fucking time cards.
This next coming week is this your last week, I guess for do I guess to cover for the person that's on vacation. Yes, yeah.
I know then every other weekend I'll have off. Yeah.
Yes, thanks to heavens. Oh my gosh but yeah, June it's like, um, I'm totally coming over for Thanksgiving I said well then fuck.
I'm gonna make a.
You know, I'm thinking I was like maybe I'll just get one of those turkey breasts like I saw a little turkey breath I'm like I was just a fucking breath like.
We don't need no whole turkey I don't need it. I hate the whole get taking those gizzards out and all that shit I used to like it when I was happy and love, but now I'm just like fuck off everybody.
Nobody helps me clean the dishes.
Nobody cares like right and I don't have family here so it's like, but yeah I'm gonna do a small dinner it's just going to be turkey stuffing mashed potatoes.
Frickin green bean casserole.
Some mac and cheese.
Okay.
And that's about it.
I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm going to just try and little Wayne is.
I'm watching it's so undisputed on I guess ff Fox sports one little Wayne little Wayne that's that's okay so my guilty pleasure because I don't like this kind of wrap or whatever I like old school hip hop or whatever but the only one that I will listen to.
Well he's been around for at least 20 years as little Wayne but he's on under or I guess he's on undisputed on Fox sports one now, according to what I'm watching and I'm like,
we know what fucking Green Bay last week.
He bought it I thought he bought into like little Wayne is like the new Jay Z like Jay Z bought.
Oh, whatever. Yes. Yeah, maybe that's why he ran out of the tunnel Green Bay last week and I'm like what the fuck is going on. Yeah, like he's like a fourth, like a quarter of an owner, like it's not like he didn't just buy the fucking team but he bought into it so he owns a chunk.
So speaking of NFL, you know they finally fired Josh McDaniels and the GM for my Raiders it's a brand new era week nine.
Nice. Nice. Who's who's up for grabs now. Who's who's gonna.
Antonio Pierce I want to say.
Oh, you know, okay so it's Antonio Pierce and he held a great press conference. They keep replaying it before the first 10 o'clock game this morning.
We're all about Raider pride.
Blah blah blah when we walk out of that tunnel. It's all about game time and swag and I'm like, bitch, we back.
Oh, no.
And I guess Mark Davis supposedly apologized the entire fucking organization or whatever last week if I'm saying this correctly that he allowed this to go on for so long. I'm just like, okay whatever like
and Tom Brady if I'm saying this correctly Tom Brady wanted to buy in or be part owner with the I guess for the Raiders and I'm like, you know what even though I'm against Tom Brady, Mark Davis just say yes because you're doing a shitty fucking job because at the end of the day if your players are not performing correctly it's all about leadership and it falls on leadership even though
for sure.
Exactly right.
Yeah.
You don't want to put your all in it. You like the money. Yeah, but then when you have a fucked up leader you're like listen dude I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do and then it just gets all discombobulated nobody's in connection.
Nobody has communication. And then that's where all the loses come from.
You got to blame it on leadership not the player on the field they're only doing what they told.
Yeah, and that applies to work that applies to your fucking life.
And everything else.
Be responsible.
Fucking man up.
Oh, shit. Oh, okay. I really want to just cover something.
Sure.
Because it just happened to me.
Oh, and well, it's happened previously. And I don't like to really talk about it. But it's like this catch catch. Like, I don't know.
When, let's just say when's the last time I'm going to ask you when is the last time you like you tripped or fell in public or like people fucking saw you and shit when's the last time that has happened or has it ever happened.
Um, you know what that used to happen all the fucking time, but I don't really go out anymore.
I don't want to shut down and just be like, uh, uh, uh, okay, so, okay, I'm going to tough off that when you see somebody, a coworker or just whatever just just a rando in public and they tripping fall.
Do you offer help? Like, Oh, are you okay?
Do you offer them help or do you just kind of like, Oh, try to hold in the laugh because it's always funny when somebody fucking falls.
Like, what do you do when somebody like right in front of you where boom, you could either offer to help them or just like, do you just try to ignore it because, you know, they're probably embarrassed.
Or what do you do?
Okay, well, hey, I have the best story for you as an example and be I'm an asshole. So just remember I'm an asshole.
And that's how it will always outshine being a good person. So that I give you the story.
So I was in derive, derive college from 1997 and 1999. I want to summer around there, right? So my college best friend Tina, you've met her.
Yes, lover. We had, um, we had to dress up. God, I can't believe I dressed up today. We had to dress up and give speeches or reports, whatever the fuck and present or fucking bullshit.
We're walking down a flight of stairs. Why is Tina in her fucking pumps and her sports? What's it called? Like her pants suit?
Okay, so I'm walking behind her and she fucking slips going down the stairs and lands on her ass on the floor, like at the bottom, right?
Everybody rushes to her fucking aid.
Don't tell me. And here's Medusa at the top of the stairs laughing and pointing at her like, bitch, you fucking dumb.
I'm laughing the entire time and I'm like, are you okay? Because everybody's fucking helping her. Of course I would help her.
But if everybody's helping you, like, why do I need to help you if there's four fucking guys helping you? Or maybe there's three guys.
It was just like our normal posse. It was like four guys. It was Dennis, Tony, probably Tori.
And okay, so three guys, I want to say, and then it was me and her and I'm just, I'm like, I'm just a total fucking asshole.
So I laugh. Yeah, you know what? I'll help you, but I'm going to laugh the entire time, but there was three guys. So I'm just going to stay at the top of the stairs and laugh at you.
All right, Nina. And I will, I'm an asshole. I swear to God, I am so sorry to anybody who knows me. I'm an asshole. I own up to it. I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah.
It's all good. What about you? We know we're getting, we know we're getting. Well, I do the same. I'm a fucking bitch asshole. Like big time.
I love you. I will, I will watch you fall. Watch you kind of, you know, turtle.
You just don't know what happened. But I, I try not to, I try the asshole part of me tries not to laugh, but I hold it in so bad, my face turns red.
Are you okay? But I'm fucking dying and I have tears coming down and I'm trying so hard not to. But let's just say this.
When it happens to me, I'm just like, what the fuck? Like I, I get, I'm so, because I know karma exists.
It really does. I just do, I just try to bounce back like oops, oops, and just dust myself off or just like, I got it. Nobody worry about me. I got it.
Or what the fuck do I do? And it's so embarrassing. So one, when it happens to me, I'm like, fuck who saw, and I try to hurry up and glance.
Just like, who the fuck saw this shit? Do I just ask like it didn't happen or just bounce back? What the fuck? I fucking hate it. Nobody, nobody ever comes to like, hey, are you okay? Oh shit, are you all right?
Nobody. Everybody's just like, fuck it.
That's because we're assholes and never get aided. So that's, and that's, and that, you know what, it's called karma. So I totally understand why nobody would ask, hey, Medusa, are you okay?
They would never ask me that because I would never help you. Yeah.
They're just like this bitch karma.
Yeah. I'm like, okay, it's funny. It's funny. It's funny. And I'll laugh too until it starts hurting. I'm like, ah, fuck.
I'm like, I'm really ankle.
I was speaking up. I have a story for you because I know what you mean when you're just, I call it lap it up like lap it up muscle lips. So this was like, I was still living at home before I moved to Huntington Beach, and my brother was like, hey, do you want to,
um, my, or my sister-in-law, his wife will pick you up and we'll go to Tokyo, Waco, Waco, whatever the fuck for not for Christmas for dinner. I'm like, okay, that's cool. I get so lit up. Pomona bullets. When they drop me off back at home, I'm doing cartwheels in the fucking
front line. Now, do I know how to do cartwheels? Of course not. Of course not. So apparently, because I'm blacked out, I fucking fall. I wake up the next morning and I'm like, where the fuck are my sunglasses at?
And I text my brother, I'm like, did I leave them at the restaurant? He's like, bitch, go out on the lawn. They're all the fucking lawn, you dumb bitch. I was doing cartwheels and I'm like, I was doing cartwheels. I go out there and my glasses are broken into three pieces. He's like, yeah, he's like, you need to like, let
lay up.
You'll never, never, ever, ever, ever.
I fucking, I fucking fell flat on my face and my fucking glasses actually broke and they fucking dabbed and I got the clap on my nose.
I was like, fuck, they're like $300 glasses. Not anymore.
Yeah. And do you think anybody helped me and said in here's your glasses? No, fuck no, because I'm an asshole. I don't expect anything fucking more from anybody.
There was a time where, oh gosh, okay, so we're gonna like just roll it back. I was working at Mrs. Fields Cookies, and my mother refused to drive me to work. And it was like, okay, I'm just gonna walk to work, which was about maybe a mile
away. So I'm, I, it was at the Moncler Plaza. Okay. Okay. All right. And so I had to cross mountain and it's one of those streets. Oh, that's a busy fucking street bitch. Fuck yeah, you're like talking about four lanes.
And then there was that island where if you can't make it across where it says walk, you stay in the little island and you keep pushing so you can walk again. Yeah. And yeah, so I'm walking and I have this funky little fucking
farm. It's khakis and a red fucking pillow. Did you have your apron on? Yeah, no, I had my apron over my shoulder. Yeah, I had my yes. Yep. And my little visor. Yeah, I had it off. And I'm fucking walking and everybody's at a red light.
And it's just it's a busy street. I fucking fall I fall and I fucking eat it like I just fucking fall. Yes. Yes. And to the point where my little stupid khakis ripped, and I had little fucking pieces of concrete or whatever.
And I'm like, I don't know how long it felt like I was laying there for like two minutes, but I know it wasn't. But it felt like it. And I just was like, what the fuck.
Yeah, I'm like getting my stupid little visor my stupid fucking apron that flew out of my hands and shit. And people I get up and I look at the cars and they're just laughing. And a couple people honk to like, this is so funny.
And I was like, out in my fucking khakis are full of blood because my knees. Yeah. And I just like, I just don't know. I don't want I have now I have this big words like, I ain't crossing the goddamn street like no, no, I'm going to Uber.
I'm going to, I don't know. No, no. But yeah, it was, it was horrible. It was motherfucking horrible. It was horrible and I go to work and I just have blood.
Fucking blood. Yeah, I'm just like, I don't fucking know like I don't even know what to do like this is and I had to pull out little pieces of like street.
Yeah, it was fucking horrible. That was like my first incident where I fell in public and like, nobody knew me. Well, maybe they did they're like there goes that bitch going.
Like, bitch. Yeah, that bitch just fucking fall in it and it was embarrassing. It was so embarrassing.
And so recently, I'm decorating the training room at work and there's all these fucking cords like the extension cords and we have all these lights and we're doing this mad hatter thing party, whatever the fuck.
And I come into my my office and I have to go through the training room and then I had the little cell block little office. There's so many fucking cords and shit. And I fucking trip.
And I fall on this fake ass grass that we laid down and shit and I'm just like, yeah, and there's people on the computers doing like their training and they just kind of turn their chairs around they're like, and they just turned back.
So I just bounced up and I like that fix my time card guess what I'm not gonna fucking help.
But I fucking ate it and again it was like road rash on my fucking knees. I'm like, no way. I'm gonna need me surgery for the next 10 years.
I'm fucking falling and shit and I was like, okay, good because this is like game on game on and then I'm such a poor sport to so it's like all those attributes that I have. I'm like, fuck off. I can't wait to you guys fall I can't wait.
And so I remove a fucking slippery when what fucking sign and fucking fucking eat it bitch like.
And then I'm gonna laugh like I always do. But the funny thing is that like they must be so scared, like they won't laugh. Well they won't laugh out loud while I'm down.
But they'll laugh online like did you see that.
They're probably they're probably fucking turned around took a little fucking pick and put it on the second Instagram or some shit I don't know.
But I'm just like, damn dude, I can't keep. What the fuck I can't fall anymore but I fall. I fall the time I fall a lot and you know what the only time I would fall or like when you were talking about tripping earlier.
I would, it's not one of like maybe 10 years ago 10 to 20 years ago when I when I was heavy on alcohol. I would never. When I was sober was when I would trip and like, like fall and catch myself but it was never when I was drunk.
It was so weird. And I'm like maybe I should just be in a full time fucking trigger.
Yeah, or when I do fall when I'm drunk. I'm like, I don't remember. I'm just like where's this booze bruise comes from.
I have one on my fucking thigh right now and I don't know where I got it from. I'm just like this shit needs to go I keep massaging it like you know if you massage a fucking bruise or whatever like it gets really it's yellow and brown shit but I'm like it leaves faster if you massage it.
So I'm just like this is this is so fucking ugly it looks like somebody just fucking I don't know what they fucking like your battered wife. Yeah.
Fuck yeah I do that all the time like oh it hurts and I just massage and I'm like deep muscle and then I look after I get out of the shower and I'm putting lotion on and I'm like oh shit it's a big ass.
I thought I was just like a sore muscle. But no, no.
There was a time where my dad was helping me move into an apartment in upland from the Kingsley house and I was going to an apartment, the three bedroom was nice downtown upland whatever.
And we were bringing up a fact I was on the top floor so it was two stories I was on top and they had those old school stairs where it's just like, I don't know if they're fucking just painted cement or some shit like I don't know but it was there.
They were rough. And we're trying to bring up a refrigerator my dad has a dolly and we strapped it and stuff and my dad tells me he's going to pull it up.
And I just need to push from from from the bottom or whatever. And we're doing that like one step at a time one step at a time one step at a time, and my dad sneezes and he's like fuck.
And he like let's go. And I'm trying to hold it he runs back down and were you at the bottom of the.
Are you were you. Yeah, I was at the bottom. And he's at the top to pulling it. And then he let's go. And then it goes.
And then he runs and he grabs it to save me but it's too late. It's too late. I fucking my knees fall and I just slide down like backwards.
And my chin like boom boom boom on the fucking stairs.
And my dad's all God damn it you fucking idiot.
Remember when you told me or when you told me a few episodes ago like when you boogie board and like you got our guests.
And I'm just like God damn it dude like you fucking idiot you fucking idiot and I was like how my idiot when I just went down eight stairs hit my chin on each mother fucking one.
I know like everybody's like you had a parent yes I fucking did.
You know what there will never be another fucking generation that like generation X that's all I'm gonna say. I'm telling you. I'm like, man, I'm making myself another drink so nice with all the extra noise because I'm already out.
Shit I'm waiting for the fucking liquor store to open goddamn time change I'm like what you know my body is telling me it's open.
I know I pick my myself clock.
So how far is your Costco from where you live.
Shit, it's like fucking I got to drive like 35 minutes just to get there, why that's when I figured because I'm like you should just stock up or, um, stock up.
I think my little liquor store in town is in business like
strictly 50% because of me, but and they and they always tell me when I go
They're like, are you podcasting this Sunday?
And I guess you need to listen to the list any of this
Great like shit, but they're just more of like oh
You know, I want to keep it light. I'm not gonna say it, but there are more just like hey
Hey, we can talk about guns too, but
Like basically that's not really our our goal or that's not one of our main topics, but yeah
His collect call
Motherfucker he would know about guns and they're like we're making all these
12 and then then we're gonna go to the
Yeah, that's fucking awesome because like I'm fucking and our a all thought way like let's do this
But shit and they're like well what when shit go down
We won't be on top of the roof and we're gonna be like you want to come or you want to fucking be one damn
I was like, yeah, I'll fucking be one of you like like legit. I got MRE's like you need me on your team
JRE Joe Rogan experience. That's me
Yeah, I'm like fuck it. You're gonna need me
Plus I'm cute. I could distract the fucking enemy
Bend over bitch. Yeah, boom
I'm just speaking up when shit goes down. You better be ready. So last week on Instagram
I you're always busy at work
So I don't like to like send you because you're not on Instagram
So I don't like to send you the links because I know you're busy
But Nate Diaz was hanging out with fucking Cypress Hill and I'm and they do yeah, Nate did Nate put, you know
There he's both our husband. So when Nate puts he was walking out wherever the fuck he was walking out with
Be real he's like when she was walking out with
Be real he's like when shit goes down be ready. I'm like, that's right bitch
That's right
Sometimes I've watched these like apocalyptic movies and I'm like yes
Because we're gonna fucking just be like oh, yeah fucking roll up on Nick Diaz
Fucking camp. I love Nate Diaz. You know him and you know him and Nick his brother
They swam from Alcatraz to fucking mainland. I guess. Oh, yeah
I was at two or three times and I remember when I worked at the city of Long Beach, um
There was one guy who was still in the old City Hall and I don't remember what guy was talking about
He's like, yeah, nobody's ever survived. I don't like what you're talking about
I'm like the brothers fucking did it like twice or three times and he's like, what are you talking about like the
and I forgot their names at the time because like like you baited me
I'm like the stock just slaps brothers and I had a fucking goal. Yeah, the fucking Diaz brothers
They did it at least twice because they don't fucking care
Yeah, they don't fuck around
Fucking there. They're the true definition of a man
Yes, I
Hung out with or I guess I met up for all you can eat Korean barbecue yesterday with two my Long Beach co-workers and
I
Was talking to Ernesto and I don't remember what we were talking about
We're talking about Nate obviously and I'm just like I love Nate Nate Diaz and all his fucking scar tissue on his face
No, I won't kiss all that scar tissue and call it a fucking day. I fucking love Nate
I'm on I like when it looks like spider webs. I hate spiders
spider webs on your skin
And please and you know, I gotta appreciate that his ears are not all fucked up cauliflower like the rest of the
anime fucking bandwagon people
Yeah, oh
My god, but yeah, so I yeah
I'm just like, oh my gosh, oh so
Just I've been watching like ridiculousness and I
I
Like I'm gonna that's on who is on hulu because I don't have regular TV
Well, it's on MTV. So if they dream it on who I gotta look it up
So
There was just like this one little like blurt that he was doing where he's just like hey, you know when
screaming and and it was like all the girls are just like
And it's just because they're gonna get proposed to and they're like
They do that type of shit and they I don't know that kind of sounds like a streak but not a scream right
Like oh god, I don't like those fucking bitches, but I'm
But the last time you scream do you even recall like whether it's because somebody fucking
Like you were scared in a haunted house you were on a roller coaster ride or maybe you fucking fell and you thought you broke your leg
Like maybe you're giving birth like what's last time you scream like maybe three months ago when I saw a giant fucking
Roach in the street and that fucking Roach was like almost
I'm well, I'm exaggerating. It's not the size of Fenway, but it was at least like
I'm looking at my finger now. So it's probably about two and a half inches long
And I just
You bro, it was so big I called it bro
I
Yeah
That and then like getting like I guess getting startled when I get startled or somebody scares me or whatever like if I'm not expecting
You to be there or whatever and I get startled. I fucking scream or I guess it's not a shriek. I scream
What about you?
Yeah, like when I
Last time I really screamed because I hate
Spiders I can deal with spiders that are smaller than a quarter
Or what but the spiders here when one of those motherfuckers was in my car
And it just came down my rear view mirror and I'm fucking going like 70 and the rain and I'm
mad everybody in the spider just
Screamed I screamed I think that was last time I fucking screamed
But I hate spiders I just fuck
Oh, so speaking of Oregon. So when I hung out I I met up with
My co-workers from Long Beach. I'm Ernesto and Fabian yesterday and I'm like so I went to Oregon
He they're like, okay, and I'm like, have you ever heard of Nutria?
And they're like no and I'm like and I tell her I tell Ernesto
I'm like new just sounds like it would be like a protein shake right like or like some kind of protein or whatever or supplement
He's like, yeah, I'm like, no, no, it's not that at all
Oh, I'm like, it's a beaver
It's a cross between a beaver and a fucking rat
So what I'm like when I tell Pomona bullets like when Mona bullets tells me this shit like it happens all the time
I fucking look it up and I'm like sure enough. It's a cross
Crossbreed. I'm like so I tell Ernesto like so did the rat fuck the fucking
Beaver or the beaver fuck the rat to make this fucking happen. Like I don't understand Oregon at all
I
Would think it was like a little fucking rat that just I don't know the fucking beaver, but they're not little these rats are
Like New York like New York
Disgusting and
Yeah, I just look up Nutria, bro. I'm like they exist and I swear to God
I don't know who fucked who but there's a crossbreed going on in Oregon
And they're gross and I fucking told you I was popping their asses like you should pop them and then fucking roast them
And then sell them on the road
We're like roll kill that's right
Like no, it's not even road kill
What's it called rat race remember on rat race we're talking about raspberry
Oh, yeah, when she and Kathy Bates is selling that fucking shit on the side of the road
God I need to find that movie or see if it's streaming because
That's even what I think I last watched it on Netflix
Or maybe it was on Prime
I still need to go to T-Mobile because I have free Netflix for a year and it's been out like month four now
I still it's not working on my phone. So I still need to get that fucking fixed before my year
Yeah, you're like excuse me. All right
You gotta give me some back pain
Oh, are you watching football right now?
I am I was watching it on my phone because the Germany game Casey and dolphins
Oh, who won that game?
Fucking the last that I checked Casey was like fucking 30
points and dolphins had zero in his third quarter
So, um, darling darling
Oh
From Roseanne fucking wins got it. Yeah, the two always wins. I guess like fuck
She fucked up Becky
No, darling, but Becky was the oldest that's right. Yeah
Yeah, the little sister wins again. Oh god, geez I was trying to do my rants and my rays
I have I
Did I write my rant down?
I had a rant. I
Don't remember my fucking rant
I'm looking at my notes and I rewrote my notes cuz the notes were all over the place
I don't remember what my rant was. Oh, I I know I have a rant. Oh god damn it. So wait, come on bitch
She tried to
Jump up and she missed but now she's oh
Okay, so I have a rant
You go with yours first, of course. Well, my like my rant kind of just oh
Okay, well, I mean I really run a rant like
It's a surprise birthday parties. I fucking I have you ever had one at what birthday party a surprise
Birthday party where you walk in there like
No, no god would you want one?
No, I would be an asshole and like you guys need to prepare better because I really don't fucking care. I don't know I
Fucking hate surprise birthday parties. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to hide behind a couch
I don't know I don't want one either if somebody
Thought they were going to do justice and be a good friend and give me a surprise birthday party
I will fucking choke you like no
I don't fucking want to be surprised. I don't fucking care
I don't like surprises as far as a surprise birthday party goes
Please don't like let me in let me tell you what type of fucking food I would like for my birthday
Let me tell you what type of gift I would like let me tell you where I would like the fucking
Party to be do not you know what and surprise you're an earth sign like me
So we would like to prepare our own birthday surprise birthday parties because it's all about organization and then like just having it
Yeah, no, you're an earth sign like me
So I totally get where you're going from I'm just like just don't do that because if it's my birthday
And needs to be about me like I don't want to surprise wedding like fucking
Bitch are getting married
Fucking no, thank you. No, I didn't want this dress and I didn't want those heels or I know
That's a prize that is not a surprise that is a bullshit surprise
It's like I just I hate the fact because I have been invited like we're doing a surprise birthday party
Fuck your surprise birthday party. Does that bitch even want the fucking surprise birthday party?
I don't want to even fucking condone this type of fucking behavior like I
Love you so much
Love you too. That was my rant. It's like fuck the surprise birthday parties if you're fucking like I
Actually did one for my son when he turned three years old
A three-year-old would not know anything about a surprise party, okay?
Nope, and I and I told him I was like you ain't getting shit like you're only three
We did it big the last two years blah blah blah blah blah and he's like okay and but
I did have my my sister's come over to my apartment and they decorated really quick and I took them out
But the only thing you're gonna get is we're gonna go to Denny's and he's he loved any that three years old
So, okay, we went to Denny's they decorated the house and everything and my nephews and my niece my sisters
They like had the lights off and stuff and they said surprise and he was so fucking happy. He was just like
Like he was happy. He's like everybody here behind the couch and they said surprise
and
Like yeah, okay, so I can see he liked it. I wouldn't I wouldn't right
Fucking don't now don't catch me off guard. I'm gonna fucking end up pulling out my fucking
1911 and like popping people
There you go
Like nah, not today. No, it's my
I don't like surprise birthday parties and I don't want to be a part of one. I don't want to hide behind a couch
And I don't know
I don't know what the fuck that's all about. Maybe I'm just a grump, but no
You're just fucking old like me like
Just have my fucking drink call today. Can you imagine if we're like son wings that yeah
Exactly just be like bitch guess what your birthday lands on fucking football like or whatever like yeah, fuck it
Fucking let's invite who who we inviting yet not that one. Yeah, we can buy that one not that one
I need control. Don't don't just surprise. That's not a motherfucking good surprise for me
I don't even know what a good surprise would be if my fucking lotto numbers
Who fucking showed up on the goddamn screen of the TV? That's a great surprise
But I'm not like fuck that
Surprise here's two gallons of fucking gin. Yes, that's that's
Call that a present
An unexpected present or if I call the spirit animal because I show up to work with a fucking hot by hot
My hot tea with vodka in it and I'm typing away looking at blueprints. You're my spirit animal Baroque Medusa
I know I should be everybody's spirit animal
You should I'm telling you but what's the animal? What's the animal? Yeah, don Julio 70
I'm like my spirit animal. Oh
Sometimes I don't know if you had like a spirit animal or let's just say you the reincarnation exists
Who knows but if you could come back as an animal
What would you choose? Um, well since it's fucking I guess NFL Sunday
I would be
Beast mode
Beast mode March on Lynch. I fucking love you bitch. Oh
Man, he's gonna be like damn girl. You're gonna be stirring shit up
You know, he's got a fucking blender out
Instagram and I'm like and I'm like it's like $200 like bro
I can't do $200 like I have my nutra bullet and my nutra bullet's been I think it's like $100 and I bought it 10 years
That thing's still fucking worse. Yeah, Nutra bullet fucking worse than my ninja blender
Oh, you know what? I really want a ninja. I've seen that they got like really
High-end blades in that fucking there's fucking amazing
And I'm like man you could throw like a whole produce department from Sprouts market in there and it would fucking cut it
Yeah
And there while you're at it and call mine as well
And then you can put that shit in the dishwasher because it's dishwasher safe
So it's like you don't gotta fucking rinse that shit out. I don't have a
Here otherwise, I'd be like, yeah, let's go
Do you use your bullet for those margaritas? You know how you could you take off?
You know what I'm like everybody would make fun of me like um, well, I guess not make fun of me
It's not the right word. They would look I'm like margarita. I don't like the margarita mix because it's so just fucking
Stupid or whatever what I would do is um fresh mangoes and tequila and a little bit
Yes, and they're like that's a fucking margarita
I'm like to me it is because your fucking margarita is fucking bullshit with all your fake ingredients
Just throw a whole mango in them in the NutriBullet with lots of fucking I can taste the tequila
I'm like, well, maybe you should fucking man up
That's what I'm talking about. I don't use the fucking mix either. I'm like frozen berries
Oh, yeah, and I'll put in the what is it the fucking white the tequila white
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm just like boom
That's like that's all I need a fucking squeeze of lime. I don't give shit
So speaking of like how we're talking about mixing our own drinks or whatever
So remember last episode I was talking about mimosas in their fucking trash cuz oh, yeah
I can't do that
But um, I had a friend that was I was at their house and we were doing the mimosas and they were doing the mimosas
I'm like this just doesn't sit right. I'm like, where's your vodka?
I throw vodka in there or at least in my fucking cup, right?
Cuz I'm like, okay now I can fucking do this mimosas or whatever the fuck you call it with a champagne
I'm like, I just like I can't do champagne. I thought I could like
My my BFF or Darce she fucking loves champagne and that's great
And I fuck it just gives me the worst fucking hangover
But like when I throw the vodka in there, it's it's not a lot just like maybe a little bit
Or maybe one two shots maybe three
Well, here's a dumb question it
Is Cristal considered like a champagne?
Not to Darce not to Darce the standards. I think it is a champagne. She's like Emma
That's
Like, you know how like when I said Don Julio in 1942 and I fucking drank that shit and that shit is fucking trash
She's like that's the or that's the equivalent of Cristal
She's like stop listening like I know she's like I know you love hip hop or whatever
But like don't do their fucking standards when it comes to alcohol because it's just like no and I'm just like well
I learned that after Don Julio in 1942
I know I bought you a bottle and I was like don't drink it. I was like well, I can't waste it
No, you bought the Blanco you bought the Blanco or whatever and I've never had that so you know what?
I used to always be reposado girl
But like now when I got on the course it's called Cristal or crystalline or whatever for
When it comes to tequila when it's clear. Oh, yeah, but that don who the Blanco that you picked up was pretty good
Yeah, isn't that bad? I was like, yeah
Hmm. Okay, so here's my thing. Um, since they don't sell
Don Julio 70 where you live. Maybe you should like sell your house or rent it out and move back to California. I
Keep thinking I'm like damn
California and then I'll move in with you and then we can are not moving
Maybe if you need me to move in with you and we can fucking split rent. I just really miss you. I wish you were here in person
I know I'm just thinking I'm like damn
I have close to 300 and equity. I could just fucking bounce
please do
I don't know I think capital gains. I'm like god damn it
I need to stop drinking so much because like I don't know anymore. I'm just like, yeah, I'm like, great. Yeah, I'm gonna do it
Well, you need to school me school me on capital gains when I was working for the accountant when I moved back and
When I moved back home after I quit city of Long Beach
I worked for an account for two taxi or one. Yeah, two or I guess two taxis in one entire year
But he's like, yeah capital gains. This is now. I'm just like I have no idea what you're fucking talking about
Yeah, it just means that if you get too much what they consider free money, which isn't free fucking money
if I bought this mucking house and
I have equity because the house across the street is selling for 500,000 and I bought my house for three
That 200,000 they're like, uh, yeah, you gotta pay taxes
Yeah, that's capital gains in a nutshell. Oh
No, yeah
Yes, and that's all because it's the government and the government wants their fucking cut even though they get their
Oh, even though I already pay my fucking property taxes on paying everything
This is my motherfucking house and I don't give a shit
Maybe I made the right decision to buy this fucking house at the right mother fucking time and now it's worth way more
So now I can't get more than oh, I can't get my 200,000 when I sell without paying capital gains
Fuck off
That's what there's loopholes and I'll tell you how to do it. Damn. That just makes me angry
I know
That's like when I want the goddamn fucking lotto and I put the fucking money in there
They're like, oh, well, you now have to pay taxes
And then Wells Fargo was telling me, oh, well, you gotta pay
We're taking this out because you put too much money. Oh, so I put too much money in maybe I had the wrong fucking
Maybe well, it was a regular savings. Maybe I should have got a fucking
I don't know how you motherfucker or whatever the fuck. Oh and then when you do your taxes at the end of the year
You also have to claim tax or you have to claim that as income so you get fucked twice
Yeah, they are going to fuck me and then I put it away and then they're gonna fuck me again. I'm like, oh
Man
This doesn't make sense. No, it's all about keeping control for the government and
They always want to win so
I'm just like you motherfuckers and I did come to realize that hey middle class
Man, we're the ones that are just gonna be like the fucking little plugs for everybody else
for the entire fucking
lifetime of earth
Fuck this shit if I make too much like you're on bracket
See now. Yeah, so we're gonna take my money and we're gonna give it all to the
But it's like, you know what no wonder why everybody wants to stay fucking poor and just be like fuck it
Give me fucking free food stamps. I want $700 fucking free food
But guess what?
$700 in free food. I know I fucking went to the goddamn grocery store and I'm like three bags
$125
You know, it's fucking crazy is like I buy all my fucking food for the week, right? So I buy a tray of chicken breasts
I buy three or four dozen eggs and then
The most expensive thing because I'm so fucking lazy. I buy the salad kits, right?
So it's already the pre-cut salad with a salad dressing and you just fucking mix it in my chicken or eggs
Why does each fucking bag cost four dollars? I have to pick up girl between four and five of those
So that's fucking $20 right there
But yet the chicken for like seven or six pounds of chicken
It's like $12 and then four dozen eggs at grocery outlet is like one
It's like ten bucks and I'm like I'm set for the week and then I pick up my 93 seven of the ground sirloin from
What's it called from Sam's?
Three pounds is and it's obviously one pound each but it's 15 bucks
I'm just like I'm fucking set for the week, but that fucking salad kid kills me and my mom was just like well
Maybe you should just fucking buy a head of cabbage or whatever and fucking do I'm like now
You know what I'm already wasting so much fucking time washing all my fucking dishes
Right. There's no room for a dishwasher in the fucking house and just
But whatever so but it's cheaper than still buying takeout and eating trash so for sure
It's still good, but like I did the same motherfucking thing. I'm gonna make spaghetti for dinner
And I was like, you know what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna buy one of those little salad kits as well just I guess fucking love Taylor Farms. Oh
Do you have Taylor Farms? I guess for a salad you do not. Oh, no
Okay, so here I guess here's my rant and it wasn't even a rant, but now it is
Taylor Farms if you're listening
Why do you have?
Like for the buffalo chicken salad kit if I pick it up from Sam's I have the croutons
I don't do the shredded cheese. I throw that in the trash because it's fucking trash
Yeah
Yeah, and so I have the salad the buffalo
The buffalo whatever salad dressing and then I also have the buffalo seasoning so in a separate packet
So it comes in a packet and it smells like buffalo chickens. Yeah, whatever, right? Why?
That's great, but if I pick up the salad kit from grocery outlet because I don't want to go to fucking Sam's
It doesn't fucking have that
Like what the fuck is it exclusive for Sam's?
I guess maybe maybe not. I don't know
God damn it. I was just fucking
Florida when I was like, okay, fuck this I used to buy a fucking little bag like a spring mix or whatever
For two bucks maybe maybe and I'm like for fucking dollars
And it looks all wilted and gross and there's like limited produce
Fuck and I'm like, okay. I can just do a
Caesar salad and oh well guess what it doesn't come with the chicken and
It doesn't come with the croutons. It doesn't even come with the fucking dressing. I'm like, so I can just
Know lettuce yeah, yeah, I can literally buy a fucking romaine motherfucker
I just chop that shit up too much work
Now I was like, yeah, I was like, I don't want to do that. I was like, but why am I gonna buy this bag?
Fucking assholes and then it's got the iceberg fucking mix, which is shit
I fucking yeah, no, yeah, I'm the same way
But I'm more of a cabbage girl because the Taylor farms at least they put cabbage so it's I'm all about
I guess it's crunchy for their fucking salad. So I guess I'll pay the four bucks or whatever but um
The one salad kit it says it's three and half servings. It lasts me a day. So I have it for like I
Know I don't think I've told you this I eat like four times a day. So like I eat chicken I eat
One two I eat half a pound of chicken a day and then
Four ounces or a quarter pound of fucking ground sirloin and then I have like six or seven eggs a day
That's my nice. Yeah, but um that fucking salad kit like so one salad kits has three and a half servings
I eat one a day. So I'm like I have to buy it between four and five
Yeah, and there's like I'm just like god damn this is expensive, but I was just like and even though it's four bucks
everybody I
Know what is better than fucking spending?
On a fucking cheeseburger some
Yeah, it's like yeah, I rather to spend four bucks and just eat the fuck of shit within the day in the day
Yeah, I can toss that shit. I don't know but um, yeah, I'm fucking done
I'm just like what the fuck no wonder why now I'm here in Oregon. Everybody just give me farm fresh eggs
I'm like, fuck yeah, you know what now that you're talking about eggs
So remember how you told me like a few episodes ago. You're like the difference between
Or you said because I only hard-boiled my eggs because I hate my mom's kitchen
So I hard-boiled the eggs and you told me you're like if the the shell doesn't
Automatically peel off and it sticks on the fucking egg then it's fucking back throw it away
Well, guess what so last week I had like two eggs that didn't automatically peel off
So I had to like
Like pry it off and I'm like well, let me see what she's fucking talking about is she fucking right?
Oh my god, you can tell like the total fucking difference. It's just like so just like
It doesn't taste like an egg
Yeah, and I'm just like oh
Did I eat it? Of course I did because it's all about protein
I'm like I didn't realize the difference I just thought I over I always thought I overcooked the egg or I
Undercooked the egg and it's all about the freshness, but it's so weird that I don't know if I came from the same chicken because it was in the fucking carton
But probably not no probably not so I was just like oh
Like pomegranate bullets. Thank you very much. You're very welcome. I was living in a box in California
No, I'm just like oh shit
What you guys do over here? How?
Really quick I'm looking at I'm watching NFL
So yeah in the box has their fucking tacos, but their monster tacos have red shells now
So are they actually like like doused in fucking L tapatio?
Oh
Might need to go there. What is that? It's probably that even a real taco because it's fucking jack in the box
I'm like they have red shell tacos. It looks like they were fucking cooked in L tapatio. Well, what's in again like Taco Bell doing like the
The ranch Doritos shells and shit like they probably were and so now they're probably doing like a
What they had I went through a Taco Bell phase like maybe five before I left Huntington Beach, but
They had like I want to say it's their chalupa like
I'm like it's fucking trash, right, but it has the hard shell taco. Yes
The case oh dip or it's like case. Oh is like not our spread on it and then the hard shell tacos like attached to it
Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, they did like I want to say it's a chalupa. I'm just like I fucking ate three or
Did you get the right six of those?
I ordered six and and didn't want them. I'm like, I'm gonna eat them all
I fucking did that shit too. And then I was fucking driving home. I was like I should use a restroom for a day
But no, I won't and I fucking like I was like oh I had bubble guts and I was like damn
Damn damn
Don't let me just fucking mess myself
Like fuck and I'm like get the fuck out of my way tractor get the fuck out of my way people I gotta get home
I text day and I'm like a
duty to fuck it
Yeah, unlock the door or else. I don't fucking know but it's the fucking storm is a brewing like
No, I'm like, yeah, I don't know he's like, okay
I fucking yeah, I just fucking I was like man. Fuck you Taco Bell. You're so delicious, but you're not I wish I was 20 again
I know what fuck everything up. Just like fucking McDonald's fucking Taco Bell. What's the other one?
Oh my god, Tommy's burgers. Oh
My god, they're fucking chili cheese fries with onions and I would yeah extra cheese
Oh god and the entire house would smell the next day because it just it just yeah
It did that that smell just lingers and just like I would throw it out in the outside trash like the entire house
I'm like, oh this shit is seeping through my pores
They're fucking chili cheese fries, I'm like, I wish I could eat their chili cheese fries again. God damn it
God, I was like a big-time winner sitch old motherfucking fan
Oh my god, remember like on Sundays, it would be like yeah growing up like 10 cent or 15 cent or maybe a quarter
Chili cheese dog days like after church
Yep, and then you could get like two dollar chili cheese
The good old days. Oh god, that's my body to take it
And it was super cheap
Yeah, it's fucking delicious
You know you could buy fucking wiener sitch old chili. I don't know if it's there and Kelly but over here you can
And I can I was like, oh shit. I'm gonna fucking ship you some
No, please don't
Put it in the food bank
Down here. I want to say you right down here around 10 years ago
I don't know if it still is happening, but Red Lobster had their remember their cheddar baked
Oh, was it called their cheddar Bay biscuits? Oh, yeah
They had like they had the like it would come in like um, you know how like antemima or whatever would come in a pancake mix
And the cardboard box, but yeah, they had that for Red Lobster's
Cheddar Bay biscuits now
One on Thanksgiving because I was so fucking drunk
I was at my brother's and I'm like, hey, let me make this real quick
So I fucking made them and I just fucking like fucking drunk. I threw them on the wax paper and then we baked them because
his wife
He's like why does this look like fucking shit?
And I'm just like I swear to God it looks like shit, but it will taste so good
But don't try and cook when you're drunk on Thanksgiving. Oh, no, you end up with a bunch of burn scars too
and booze bruises
booze bruises and burn scars
And you drop the deviled eggs all over the kitchen floor
I love deviled eggs, but I don't have patience to make that shit in the time
That's worse than what I would rather wash dishes for 12 hours than make deviled eggs
That's why we're besties you can come wash my dishes and I'll just make the devil
Oh, you know what? I'll take you up on that offer because I love deviled eggs
because that's way too much work and too much craftism whatever the fuck
I just get one of the kids sandwich bags and I just cut a little fucking thing and I put all the fucking
There you go. I just go, I'll give a shit. It looks cute. Tastes good
It tastes real fucking good. I just don't have time for that shit
And then you just get bubbleguts? No, because it's fucking eggs and it's not fucking Taco Bell
Right and I and I use best foods all day every day. So yeah, I don't use that
I fucking love this foods because it has to be best food. I'm like best foods
Why are you fucking seven dollars a fucking jar now because it's gonna pay it, you know, I'm gonna pay it
But sorry mayonnaise mayonnaise, I believe is I'm gonna say is egg whites and then just like whatever the fuck it is
Like if you buy like miracle whip remember when miracle what used to be a thing and I'm like this
Oh, yeah trash. I'm like
There's
Fucking sweet, it's all fucking fake. I'm like at least
Best foods was egg whites and I want to say oil
Yeah, and then best foods makes one too with olive oil. Yeah, oh
So good. I haven't had to buy mayonnaise in a long time, but if it is mayonnaise then I buy fucking
Best foods best foods. That's that's Islander right there. That's where mom and
Everybody teaches you like hey this max Ellen is gonna be max Ellen. This is best foods
So speaking of Islander so next week is my last week at work and the week afterwards
I still like I've had on my to-do list monobots for the last four weeks
call
Maui and like am I good to come over for the fucking weeks?
Have I called?
Oh my other ranch is
Um Alaska Airlines has emailed me twice in the last 48 hours. Do you want to upgrade or and by upgrade to I guess?
What's it called? So I'm supposed to go to Maui in two weeks, right?
Right. Yeah, so fucking Alaska Airlines is like do you want to bid on first class? I'm like
So people bid on first class now you just
So I'm just like I I'm not gonna fucking bid and be I'm like I
You know what this week? I will call and make sure I guess if it's okay to come
Girl, I thought you did that a long time ago. I did I keep saying it
I'm just like I'm just gonna keep waiting because I have travel insurance and I'm just like I know um
So Maui reopened I want to say it was two or three weeks ago. So like me. I'll just fuck. I don't know whatever the fuck
I don't know
So we'll see what happens. I'll call this week to make sure but I haven't heard from the host
I'm gonna stay at a hospital because I'm not really when I travel by myself. I don't know about you
Have you ever stayed at a hospital?
I have not. Okay. Everybody's just like everybody. It's like you're staying at a hostel. I don't like
Uh, well, yeah, they're like, have you watched the movie hostile? I'm like
Yes, I'm glad. Oh god. Yeah, exactly. So the people who have never stayed in a hostel and say have you watched the movie?
Hostile well, maybe you should fucking stay in a hostel. It's not fucking like that
But here's the thing. I don't do the hostel with like where I'm staying with
Everybody I I did that before growing up. But um, so I did I guess whatever hostel I booked for
I booked a private room
But um, I don't have an actual bathroom. So I have to share it with everybody which is fucking fine
But I was just like it's so much cheaper than staying in a goddamn hotel
If I'm by myself, so is it like a bed and breakfast type?
Yeah, so I'm like if you're good, you can like um, at least when I did the hostels in san francisco
And in boston you can bring your own food and you can write your name on it and you put in the fucking fridge
But you have to wash your own dishes and all that. I'm like, I don't do that shit
Um, if I bring food, I'm gonna leave it in my fucking room because I'm not putting it in the goddamn kitchen
but they have like I guess
Conan you know breakfast or whatever that shit, but it's just it's I don't know
It's more of a commune and you talk to people. That's how I learned about um
Or and that's how I fell in love with IPA beer was when I stayed at the hostels in san francisco with
And I took in she's like we're staying on a hostile like yes, bitch
but um, then she learned about hostels too, so
I don't know. I like hostels everybody's different
But I don't know if that's because my dad is austrian and he's only ever known hostels before he moved here
Or he got migrated to the goddamn fucking united states
Whatever the fuck. I mean, I I think I
I guess you would if it's like a bed and breakfast type shit
I there was like somebody who just legit had a house and I I did go to japan and
I've never been to japan. When did you go to japan? Oh fuck. I don't know like 20 years ago
Oh, I'll be for it before the baby is
Yeah, okay, sure. Yeah, I mean my passport's expired. So I don't know fucking and I need to get that that that ID
Just uh, that's that yeah, yeah, so down here. I think it's the real is it called the the real idea
I've had mine for like two years. So do they have that in or again too then I guess yeah
I think it's by next year october. I won't even be able to fly
I don't know if I can fly or do anything within the country
I couldn't even just fly to fucking kelly if I don't have this shit. So I don't know
Well, here's my thing with the real ID now. I'm like, can I just like
Board with my fucking liquid and not
And it'd be over three fucking ounces because I'm like if I fly when I fly to fucking
Maui my face is finally fucking clear is more clear. Thanks to retina or whatever the dirt
Yes, and I'm on her fucking her fucking face wash, but the face wash is eight ounces and I'm like
I guess I'm like I don't want to like I was just gonna buy like whatever face wash you can buy in the travel size
uh, yeah
I guess at the store because her thing it's like it's all fluffy or whatever you can't fucking
I can't pump it into a god in a travel size goddamn tsa approved bottle
Yeah, so I'm just like, uh, maybe I'm gonna check luggage. I don't want to fuck my face up my face is finally looking
a lot better
You gotta be careful with checking in and fucking lugging
Exactly and I'm like if it didn't get lost or whatever it's like
And you know what happened?
It took Hawaii
And you know what happens though the fucking altitude I did that shit
I had this little cute Victoria's Secret little like makeup fucking plastic little zippy bag and I put all my
Fucking makeup in there. Uh-huh my fucking lipglasses and shit just like exploded
It was everywhere and I was like what the fuck when you were in the art
So on your carry on or in your no it was on the
Fucking like my check in
I was like I'm not gonna do that much like makeup
I'm just gonna do my basics because you know, I don't wear that much makeup right so I'm like, yeah
No, no no these motherfuckers
Everything I had a little liquid eyeliner busted. I mean it
Oh
All right, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Yeah. Well, I know if I'm gonna pack the face wash
I'm putting it in a ziplock bag. So it doesn't
If it accidentally leaks or whatever it's not gonna leak on my shit
Yeah, it's just all fucked up and I was like, oh my gosh. What the fuck?
the fuck happened
Uh
All right. Well, that's good to know
All right, I think we need to wrap this up really quick. I just looked at the time
I could talk to you all day because I know because we don't ever talk anymore
Bitch, that's because you've been working nonstop. Thanks to your coworker being in Hawaii. Fuck that coworker
I know I'm all fucked up and then it's a disney fucking
And yeah, fuck you a lawni
Fuck you mickey mouse. That's right and minnie and whoever else not
Not a duck or goofy though. I fucking love goofy and I do like goofy goofy was my favorite. That's right
All right. Well, I am Boreg Medusa and you are
Pomona bullet that's right and together we cling-clink and you guys should cling-clink too. We are out. Goodbye
Bye. Adios.