Good day, Miss.
Good afternoon.
Or maybe I should just be like, yo, what the fuck is up?
It's Sunday, bitch.
Yeah, fucking Sunday funding.
Sunday morning coming down.
Okay, so what the fuck with your finger?
Let's start there.
Okay, well, let's just start.
Hello?
Yeah, that was me and my little G unit were doing a little song together.
And I have, yeah.
So, and that goes towards my broken finger.
Guess what my son likes to do?
Slam motherfucking fingers in the fucking car door.
Oh fuck.
Oh, this happened this morning or when?
Oh, no, it happened about two days ago.
Yeah, I, I'm a righty.
So I'm like, okay, okay, you little fucking asshole.
You fucking slammed it on my left hand.
My pinky and my, I guess you would say the ring finger.
You know, when, when, when, when a motherfucker wants to give you a fucking ring and say,
I'm going to marry you.
Yeah, so it's just a little motherfucking tips.
The tips, you know, the tips you use when you know you have enough water and rice type tips.
So you can't suck the tip.
Yeah, you know what?
Hey, that whole fucking saying just the tip.
Yeah, you fuck you.
Well, just the tips of my fingers are fucking broken and just the tip is not entering.
Yeah.
Yeah, I've never broken fingers knock on wood.
Oh, or you just have to let it heal on its own, I guess.
Well, I went to the doctor and they give me these little splints.
Oh, yeah.
And then they kind of fucking healed on themselves and they're just like, it looks like I have like, I mean, I have to watch my words.
I don't know, like Parkinson's.
Parkinson's disease.
Fuck.
I'm just like, oh.
Yeah, yeah, I'll send you a fucking text of the fucking fingers.
They suck.
It's so bad. And I'm trying. I just blended my new job. So they're like, can you type 40 words per minute?
I'm like, well, I mother fucking split.
Yeah, if I didn't have if I fucking had these.
Yeah.
Fucking insane. Fucking you gotta you kids either love them, you fucking have to hate them.
They ruin your life or they make your life that much enjoyable depends on the day. Yeah.
And the mood and the day that my fucking fingers were slammed into my door.
And I'm telling my son, can you open the fucking door?
He's like, he has these little earbuds.
He can't fucking hear me.
Now what those earbuds would have gone fucking flying to the moon, bitch.
I swear.
Well, we can't do that these days.
And you know, that's that's child endangerment and we can't we can't fucking.
Yeah, but you know what?
Let's just keep this between us and who's listening. I will fuck and punch somebody in the throat.
Like, no, bitch.
Yep. Throw punch.
It's either clean, clean or bang bang.
And or I'm going to say punch punch.
The good thing is I would fucking kick you in the fucking chin.
That was my thing.
That's because my son is in karate and roundhouse kick.
Roundhouse kick motherfucker to the chin.
Open the fucking door.
My fucking fingers are breaking.
Oh my God.
So the door was like completely closed.
Yes.
Oh my God.
I would have motherfucking died.
Yeah.
No words.
You know, I'm just, you don't know, you don't know.
I'm going to stop saying, you know, to everybody listening because I say that a lot and it doesn't
make any sense because nobody knows.
And nobody knows what it feels like to have two fingers shut in a door.
Well, at least it's not your middle finger, bitch.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can still fucking flip somebody off.
It's my left hand.
So I'm like, well, you know, doesn't matter.
Do you give me, I just said, you know, but do you give your guy, if you give your guy
handies, hopefully it's not the left.
I'm a right hander.
You're like, bitch, you're going to get the okay sign and that's how I'm going to do it.
Boom.
That's what it is.
I got your tip right here.
Yeah.
Fucking just the tip.
How about just a tip and a fucking door fucking.
But anyways, good, good, good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
So how's the, I guess the song going.
I fucking have these.
I don't give two facts.
Do you guys have that?
It's like going around right here.
I got to order one for work.
Those karaoke, karaoke, um, mice that are Bluetooth and you can like sync them up.
You know what I'm talking about.
Oh yeah.
I know it's a good thing.
I do not have one.
Okay.
I might have to order you one and then we can fucking go off when I go up there
because I got to order one for work.
Cause we just, all we do all day at work is fuck up.
Oh, I mean, we do our work, but you know, I'm just like,
we need a karaoke fucking microphone so we can just go off while we're fucking
working.
Wait, wait, wait.
So let's the karaoke thing carry.
Okay.
Whatever.
Um, I like that, but it's because I'm not a good person.
Um, I like that, but it's because I'm.
I wonder.
Yeah.
Is it, is it, is it, is do people really like that?
Karaoke.
Yeah.
Yeah man.
It's all about the alcohol bitch.
So speaking of work, uh, my coworkers are younger than me.
They're fucking millennials, which is totally fine.
I don't mean that in a bad way when I say fucking millennials, they're just fucking
millennials anyways.
They're like, uh, I guess the supervisor, he's like, uh, we need to do a team
building day and I'm like, all right, as long as it's during work hours,
cause I'm not doing the shit after work bitch, do not do it on my personal
fucking time.
So he's like, what does everybody want to do?
And so, uh, I don't know.
Somebody said miniature golf and somebody said, uh, somebody said
karaoke and then I don't know, somebody said something.
I'm like, dude, can we just fucking like hit the day club and fucking just
get fucked up and they're like, you know what, that sounds perfect.
Now let's see if they actually scheduled this shit.
And I'm like, I will show you how to drink professionally.
So you won't be all fucking dehydrated and you can start early in the morning,
bitch.
Yeah, I'm a pro.
I can afford my habit.
Bitch, so can I.
Yeah, that's, that's, that's what it takes.
It's not hair on now.
I'm not living under a fucking bush and a fucking tent and, and going to the,
well, I mean, I, I, I, well, yeah, I'll just stop there.
I have never, the only like drugs I've ever done was marijuana and, uh,
did I tell you this story?
So, uh, when I was in college, my college boyfriend was the fucking,
um, the marijuana dealer for like the entire fucking score.
Anyway, so, um, after college, I got fucking fat cause, uh,
munchies.
Yeah.
And my dad, God bless him.
And for all the people who think fat shaming is like bad, you know,
like go fuck yourselves.
You need to fucking get healthy and fucking do your fucking job when it
comes to your health.
Anyways, I was fucking fat.
My dad's like, guess what?
I need to talk to you.
And I'm like, okay.
And he's like, I don't know what the fuck is going on,
but you have a fat ass.
You're fucking insane.
And I don't know.
He's like, I did not come to America to have a lazy fat fucking daughter.
You need to figure it out and you need to fucking like slim down
because this, this shit ain't going on in my house.
And I'm like, sir, yes, sir.
So the very next day was the last day I smoked marijuana and I got
my act together and I've had my act together ever since.
So thank you, Papa, fat shaming this lazy bitch.
Yes.
Thank you, Papa.
I Pete, thank you, Papa.
I know you're listening.
Um, shit.
Well, I don't know if I should even interject.
Interject bitch.
Do you?
Um, so yeah, I am.
Yeah, I, well, my first interaction being an Islander, it was,
it was honestly when I was in Hawaii, um, Kauai.
I, uh, it was like a, it was a family thing.
You just take a couple puffs of the little splint or the joint or whatever
people call it because everybody, what Ems, and it was always after dinner.
So everybody could relax.
I guess I was like, I fucking like this.
Um, and then I come to the mainland or the States.
Um, I'm in California and I just remember watching these, um,
people or men.
I don't say they're whatever, but they were, they were brown,
but they were kicking a ball around.
Oh my fucking.
And I kept seeing this dude.
I'm in the bleachers.
I'm like fucking 10 years old and I see this dude, the older man,
older, gentle man.
How about that?
And he keeps going to the bushes and, and he keeps, and then he
kicks his little soccer ball around and people are coming around.
I'm like, Hey, something looks suspicious.
Stranger danger.
Yeah.
I was like, Hey, I was just trying to go to the pool and whatever.
I'm sitting on the bleachers.
I'm fucking recognizing this.
And you have to remember that my dad was a homicide detective.
Um, everything like that.
I was like, I'm not gonna be a, uh,
Vietnam vet. So.
Yeah.
I was kind of raised to be a little suspicious and I.
10 years old and they go over to the bushes.
But I'm, I'm doing that little like done, done, done, done, done, done.
Like.
Creeping.
Please don't because I don't want to be killed because my dad used to tell
me to be killed if you do the X, Y, Z.
Shit.
This fucking.
No.
So I go behind the bushes.
I move the leaves.
I find almost.
Three pounds of cannabis.
Oh, guess what I did?
I was like, I'm gonna put it on my fucking in my backpack and I fucking
ran off and I was just like, what do we do?
I saw that shit.
What a cool new toy.
Obviously people want this. Is it worth money?
I don't know.
Yeah.
And so what happened to the three pounds?
What'd you do?
Um, so it was, it was, it was, it's kind of funny because, um,
I totally learned how to roll a split.
Never do that.
That shit would piss me off.
I can't even fucking roll an egg roll and I'm fucking.
That's how Austrian I am.
I can't even roll a motherfucking egg roll.
I know.
It took a while and I just kept, and I just kept using this shit.
Like, I don't fucking care.
I was just trying, trying like, um, that, and I put in trash,
putting trash money, but, or prison.
Right.
Yeah.
Or your dad.
Huh?
Where did you hide that shit since your dad was a fucking homicide
detective and he could probably smell that shit and you're fucking 10 years
old.
Yeah.
I was so, my dad had a brother.
So we had a little compound of, it was just family owned houses.
And, um, I knew that my uncle.
Yeah.
I knew he was a little crazy.
He was like clinking and banging on fucking cars at two in the morning
and shit.
He was a little crazy.
Your dad's brother.
Yup.
Younger brother.
And I said, Hey,
Guess what?
Guess what I found.
And he said, what the hell?
He's like, you know how much money you have in here?
I said, can I get a Nintendo?
Please.
If I give you this bag, can I get, can you buy me a fucking Nintendo from
the pawn shop or whatever the fuck you do?
Right.
Yeah.
I'll buy you 10 fucking Nintendo's bitch.
Yeah.
I was like, um, how much, but, but I'm 10 years old.
I don't fucking know how much that shit's worth.
Right.
And it's illegal.
And I know my dad's a cop and I know his, his brother is my uncle is a
convict and I don't, I don't know.
I don't know.
But it was just the best time of my life.
I miss those guys.
I know.
And I never got a fucking Nintendo and I gave him all that fucking
weed and I fucking stole it probably from the cartels.
Okay.
You know what?
You need to lighten up on the movie watching bitch.
No, I'm serious.
Well, it's three pounds.
So yeah, I would say that.
Well, I mean, shit, I don't know.
I mean,
three pounds ain't shit anymore these days.
Exactly.
But back then, that was like, I, I, they could have fucking put a bullet in
the back of my fucking head.
You know what?
I'm just going to call you Griselba block over now.
This and clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
And let me tell you this.
I am fucking dehydrated as fuck.
I'm drinking.
I still have sapphire.
I got sapphire and sparkling ice going on.
But last night yesterday was the longest fucking Saturday.
Let me tell you this.
My fridge went out.
My fridge.
So the new fridge didn't get delivered till yesterday,
which fucking throws off my fucking routine because I meal prep on
Saturdays.
I hate meal prepping on Sunday.
Everybody fucking meal preps on Sundays.
I hate meal prepping on Sundays because that I just want to fucking relax on
Sundays.
Well, guess who's meal prepping today because the fucking fridge just
showed up yesterday.
This bitch.
That's why I'm running late.
And I'm like, I'm running late.
So what you meal prep?
Oh, so last night, I, I'm like, let me just fuck off for the rest of the day.
I got my hair done in the morning.
You know, that's like at least four hours when you get your roots done.
Right.
And then the fridge got delivered.
And then me and me and M went to go see tariff fire.
Cause I fucking love horns.
So does she, but we saw that.
But before that we went to the, have you ever been out back?
Yes, I have.
I love the blooming onion or whatever.
Okay.
Well, the last time I've been to outback was when I was still living here.
And I'm going to say M was probably like maybe 12.
So like 20 years ago, 20 years has passed somewhere around there.
Stop saying our age.
So I'll say 20 years has passed, maybe a little bit more that since I,
since both of us have been to the outback.
So I'm looking at the menu online when I'm at the hair salon and I'm like,
Hey, I'm going to get this.
And she's like, Oh, I'm going to get this.
Cool.
They no longer have the port.
They used to have a porter house steak.
And it was one pound.
And I would eat the entire motherfucking thing in one sitting.
They no longer have that a B.
I ordered a New York, the New York strip or whatever the print.
It's not whatever.
Yeah.
You know, I like marbling on a steak.
Let's get the marble cause it's going to have fat and it'll be good.
So the first thing that comes out is my fucking Caesar salad and.
No crook.
Girl, I took three bites of that fucking salad and I'm like,
this salad is fucking trash.
No, was there croutons?
I'm going to say no.
Son of a bitch.
It was trash.
Well, yeah.
So we're sitting at the bar.
Of course we're sitting at the bar because I've refused to sit in a booth.
So we're going to get served quicker at the bar.
Thank you.
So I'm going to get the bar.
I'm going to get the bar.
You can serve quicker at the bar.
Thank you.
So the bartender is like, oh, you don't like it.
Or, you know, what's wrong with the salad?
Cause I put it away. All right. You know, I gave it to her to give away.
And I'm like, this salad is trash. And Marissa's like, she's like, do not.
She's like, don't go into it, mom. I wasn't going to complain.
I'm just saying it's trash, right? Like I'm not going to fucking eat this.
Dude, I took three bites.
I'm not going to waste my fucking time.
I don't need trash anymore.
News flash.
Unless it has croutons.
It's just that I'm a fucking drunk.
So the bartender's trying to make it right.
I'm like, I'm not complaining. Don't worry about it.
I just don't want it in my face. Just fucking throw it out.
So my state comes in where M's.
Um, she got a blooming onion hamburger, I guess.
Oh, yummy.
Yeah.
I know.
M's my type of girl.
She always has been since eight year old.
She's like, mom, this burger is not fucking seasoned. I'm like, okay.
Yeah, it's not seasoned, but she has all this fucking shit on it.
Yeah.
And then, but, um, before they brought out the food,
they gave us our own salt and pepper grinder.
So I'm like, I guess you got to fucking do that thing, right?
Whatever.
I get my fucking, I, I, I ate my entire fucking steak.
Like I'm good with the steak.
I'm good with the fucking mashed potatoes or I got the mash or the garlic or the
loaded, the loaded mashed potatoes.
But the steak, I guess I should have put more like seasoning on it.
They didn't really season it, but I was just like, we get to the movies and I'm
like, yeah, I'm like, what was your food?
Like whatever, like mediocre.
And she's like, yeah.
And I'm like, same with mine.
And I'm like, so then I start thinking, I'm like, has outback steakhouse always
been mediocre, but we thought it was that fucking shit like 20 years ago.
That's probably what it was cause it's a fucking chain restaurant.
That's when you're coming up and you, you fucking move from Applebee's and
Chili's to outback.
I can't believe people fucking eat up Applebee's.
I've ate their once.
I'm like, that shit is the, that's fucking trash, trash.
Okay.
Like I will eat McDonald's before fucking Applebee's.
The thing is you're watching TV.
If you're not just on, you know, Netflix or you're whatever, if you're watching
TV and you see those fucking commercials and you're just like, damn
Applebee's, what are you doing?
Damn Chili's still doing those big back ribs.
I want to go there and it always sucks ass.
The only place that is fucking always good is fuck.
The only franchise, um, the franchise franchise restaurants that me and
M life that are totally approved as fucking Chili's.
They're, they're fajitas are always fucking good.
They have the worst and also outbacked.
They have the worst beer selection for draft beer.
So we had to get, um, we got, um, not like, we got, we got Laganitas.
It's little something ill or whatever the fuck the day, the day,
the day, uh, god damn it.
The day, the day drinking IPA, not the Laganitas.
Does that make sense?
Yes, of course.
Because we used to do Chili's and Laverne all the time.
Oh my fucking God.
I fucking miss that Chili's and Laverne and the fucking, the fucking, um,
um, I don't know what the fuck, you know what?
I know you want to know what it's my fucking iPhone.
You know what?
It's not your iPhone.
Don't discriminate.
It was, um,
We can start with the motherfucking ranch because my iPhone,
like bang, bang iPhone gang, everybody.
Yes.
Bang, bang iPhone.
And I'm still like this shit is fucking dumb, yo.
No.
And then it gets your, it gets to be your best friend once you learn how to use
it.
My fucking, um, my, you and all the other iPhone gang, gang,
bang, bang, bang, bangers can go fuck yourselves.
So you learn it.
You're like, bitch, did you know how to, you could do this?
Did you know you could do that?
You know you can do this.
Somebody fucking called me and I'm like, wait a second.
I'm trying to do my podcast.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
I'm talking and I'm like, hello.
And I'm like, what the fuck ended?
I'm like, did this fucking time out because of this goddamn fucking iPhone?
No, it was because somebody fucking called me.
Yeah.
Okay.
I try to say ignore and then I accidentally hung up.
So yeah.
Speaking of, I forgot to put do not disturb on or do not disturb.
So I need to do that the next time we report.
Yeah.
Well, we're learning.
Yeah.
Thank you for everybody who's, um,
Learning with us.
Right.
Um, so what were we talking about before your phone call?
Fuck.
I don't fucking know, but you told me we're going to, we're going to fucking
go off of ransom raise.
We're doing.
We're talking about.
Was it still about your 10 pounds of weed?
No, we, we, um,
No.
Can you stop saying that?
You're the one who brought the fucking story.
They could rewind and hear that shit.
Like, I don't know.
We were going to do our ransom raise.
Let's go from there.
Ransom raise.
Okay.
Do you want to start or we can toggle off of each other.
I got plenty of rants this fucking week. Cause guess what?
Technology and I'm fuck.
I'm just so glad I'm 40 fucking nine and I'm like halfway done with,
I'm more than halfway done with my life.
I want to be dead by 81 because my number is nine.
So I have to be dead by 72 or 81 to be, to call it a fucking
day. I don't want, like people want to fucking live to be a hundred.
Like my mom is, was listening to a podcast.
How do we have to be 125?
I'm like, bitch, why the fuck did I move home to help your ass?
If you want to live in the 125.
Like who the fuck does that shit?
Hey.
My, my great grandmother is going to be 108 this December.
I don't fucking care.
I want to be dead by 72 or 81.
I don't want to be dead by 72 or 81.
I don't want to be dead by 72 or 81 and be done.
Like fuck this shit.
I'm sleeping with the 45 under my fucking pillow after the age of fucking 75.
I'm just going to sleep with the 40, a 40 ounce bitch.
A 40 and a fucking 44 or maybe a 22.
It doesn't matter.
Whatever does the job, but I just don't want to fucking do it and then be like,
oops, I'm still alive.
No, I don't want to be dead by 78.
I don't want to be dead by 79.
Nobody's fucking wiping my ass.
I'm going to sleep with a gun under my pillow.
It would probably be a 38 because it's like a snub nose because there
It's going to be a fucking revolver.
Right.
Fuck. Yeah, you know what?
I fucking just bought a brand new judge.
It's called the judge.
I'm like, yeah, I should have been a judge in life as a profession
because I feel like I should judge everybody's fucking life.
motherfucker this motherfucker has fucking 45 longs and I'm just like wow and
fucking shotgun shells like fuck yeah thank you Oregon fucking love you let's
talk about like I guess ex-boyfriends oh yeah I was like I was um I was with this
guy and my ex-boyfriend I guess if you want to call him that um he's like have
you seen the movie Sicario and I'm like no and he's like watch this fucking
movie you will fucking love this movie this movie like is your totally fucking
movie have you seen this movie I have not so we're gonna Sicario yeah I came
out like in 2015 I want to say it has Josh Brolin Emily Blunt and the
mercenary what's his fucking name Benito del Toro
oh yes I'm here I'm just trying to I'm just trying to okay so the mercenary
is Benito del Toro Emily Blunt is FBI and she goes black ops the black I
want to call I call it black ops black ops leader is Josh Brolin and the
premise I'm not gonna give everything away because you're gonna have to watch
with me because I know you fucking love fucking guns like I do so the premise is
Benito del Toro's family got killed by a drug lord so he's going to back to pay
revenge they give Emily Blunt oh now give him the story way they give Emily Blunt
um they give her like a false pretense so she's under the assumption like
whatever the story is but it's really to go after the drug lord does that make
sense yes okay of course so the opening scene I want to say is in Arizona and I'm
fucking watching this movie with my ex and the opening scene they do a raid
okay so the raid they come into the house and they're all with fucking
rifles they're they're all rifled up with two two threes so they show up with
two two threes and I'm like my ex didn't know anything about guns so I'm like oh
shit and cuz I was fucking drunk so I'm like are those two two threes or three two
threes and he's like what the fuck are you talking about I'm like the fucking
rifle bro is I'm gonna give it a three two three or two two three and he's like
now you're scaring me I'm like fuck you I'm gonna call my brother up let me call
my brother my brother I'm like have you seen Sakario he's like yes and I'm like
is that a three two three or a two two three he's like bitch three two three is an
area code so two two three yeah like okay it's a two two three fucking sweet so
all I'm gonna say is this and we'll leave it alone so um they shoot up the
fucking house and when they shoot up the house like a bullet goes our two two
three um goes through the goddamn um it goes through the house wall right so um
the next scene you see um I guess the FBI guy he looks into the fucking like the
wall you know the drywall and then he's like what the fuck so he starts pulling
away from the drywall he starts pulling the drywall away right girl why I don't
know who wrote this fucking movie dead bodies yeah oh wait I think I fucking
seen this I'm just kind of just being hilarious because you well maybe it's
because your dad's a homicide or ex-harmist detective why were the bodies
stacked in the entire fucking house wall you know I'm talking about like from
yeah start to finish there was so many bodies stacked like one two three four
five six seven and I'm like bro and he's like what I'm like who wrote this
fucking living like they they're reading my fucking mind because I'm like if I
was a serial killer I would fucking vacuum seal these fucking bodies up and
I would store all that wine and so I get all hot and bothered so I'm like hey
we should fuck and he's like what he's like he's like I don't understand your
fucking mind you're fucking out of your mind no we're not gonna fuck we're gonna
just watch the movie and I'm like bro okay whatever you're lame
and then I watched the rest of the movie I've watched that movie at least 20 fucking 20
wait wasn't it a sitcom or was it no it was a movie oh and you know there's a
second one coming out yeah no that one came out and my brother went to go see it
when it the weekend it opened he's like he texts me like yo do not watch this
fucking movie in the movie theater I can't believe I wasted my motherfucking time
if it comes out wait for it to stream and I still haven't seen he's like there's a
waste of fucking time and I'm like okay so but that fucking movie I was just
like somebody read my mind and like we're talking about guns but the guy I was
with he's like you scare me I don't know what the fuck you're talking about I'm
like well three two threes in area code it's two three three two three two
four three four three and he's from the five six two so you know at least he
wasn't a nine on nine or well nine on nineers would know their caliber as well
though that's right sis that's what I'm talking about and that's okay so that
we're trying to go on ranch well I thought we were going on ramps but I
guess you're ranting about I'm ranting about people not knowing they're goddamn
tired I do the thing area code just a reminder I do the same I think I watched
a movie and it was like bird bird man or I don't I don't fucking know it was
years ago and I was like wait a second that's not a fucking nine yeah so I can
just put myself out because I don't want nobody wiping my ass and fucking putting
me in the home and shit like it just I just want to die I don't I don't want to
live to be after 75 I guess that was our
our complete rants do you have anything to rave about you know what I do have a
rave my co-workers this is the first job that actually like everybody and I
fucking like my job fucking finally I'm 40 fucking nine so you know how the lot
will happen last week and fucking somebody yeah but anyways the day before
when we we all put put in that work and fucking my supervisor he's like so what's
everybody gonna buy the first thing they're gonna buy if we win the lotto
and he's like I'll go first he's like I will pay off Medusa's brand new car note
because she deserves to not have a car note and I'm like you good people who
fucking who would fucking do that other than I guess him and you because you've
paid me off with your lotto oh well I well I gave you a chunk but I thought I
paid totally grateful for it so yeah you're welcome yeah you're good people I
knew it but that is my rage so I work with good people and they're good-hearted
and we can just curse and fucking as long as we get our work done right you get
your work done but we all we all can just fucking have a good time and not have to
worry about people backstabbing each other like at all my other fucking jobs
especially at the city of filled fill in the blank yeah you know I just hate
people but I love people but I hate them especially when they just try to act
like they need to be you know part of society like fuck that shit just be you
do what the fuck you want and be and be truthful so any that's really hard for
people to do these days but yeah yeah get off your phone but then again stay on
your phone and listen to our podcast um yeah well shit my raves it's really
hard for me to rave about something because yeah but I would like to rave
about I'm actually gonna rave about bamboo plants oh okay no and I would just
like to say I try to have I just bought my house two years ago I I'm trying to do
this little DIY do it yourself I'm trying I don't know how to decorate I'm so bad
at being that that would look cute that would look nice um but I just want my
house to look alive so I thought plants okay yeah I killed them all I don't even
fucking know what the fuck I'm doing I just thought water the motherfuckers right
so there's some plants that I know how to take care of so I'll when I go up
there I'll show you the plants you can even fucking just put them in a base of
water and they fucking grow like you don't need soil thank you and I didn't
even realize when you buy a plant and it has that little plate underneath the the
whatever the pot I didn't know that you just fucking pour the goddamn water and
the little plate and so the roots yeah I don't have a green thumb but my raves
are bamboos because I can miss watering them for fucking a week and they're
still alive and they're so beautiful so the money tree or whatever yeah of course
yeah yeah fucking kill that shit it just keeps going it's got a dust in a
little bit and it's all good like I love you bamboo I I'm learning how to take
care of other plants how about that but my rave is bamboo thank you bamboo yeah
money tree thank you for keep spinning thank you for the little everything that
I have thank you for the little elephant yeah I just I love it thank you bamboo I
don't have to fucking water you that's my rave well if I forget to water you
but you know I'll put a fucking water you know you were there with the little
fucking rocks and shit like it's alright I'll clean your roots once a fucking
year like thank you bamboo you don't you don't need any attention next to a
cactus and I don't want cactus I rather have a family boring yeah fucking
stupid cactus guy here I'm fucking Islander bamboo and this is a lucky
bamboo and I'm lucky to have you too so that's my race um what are you drinking
did we go over this already yeah that was like earlier I know but what are you
drinking I don't remember what you told me I just said I was drinking vodka I don't
know wonder but you are on a tirade today and I fucking love it but I can I can
do some more I actually try not to I'm trying to I'm trying to make this
podcast sound great you know what I bet if you dip your fucking broken fingers
in that vodka your fingers will come back tonight bitch I'm trying I'm you know
what I'm gonna just punch my son in the throat with my broken fingers so when
they delivered my fucking fridge yesterday is fucking a hundred degree or
no I'm exaggerating wasn't a hundred degrees yesterday with 95 I'm sorry they
want to deliver my fridge is best buy order through best buy so it's too little
I call it worse by worse by delivered my fucking garage I wish my fucking fridge
and there I'm like oh you guys say to you so fucking much you guys want a beer
and they're like what and I'm like anytime like like we had the cable
guy I'm not the cable guy the internet guy come out whatever and it's fucking
hot I'm like here's a beer I'm like don't drink so I give him the beer and
he's like it's the the kid I call it kiggles the kiggles summer kiggles and
he's like this ain't bear am I trust me it's fucking bear bitch and I'm like
thank you very much don't drink this when you're fucking driving the goddamn
worst buy fucking truck you get you wait to get home and enjoy your fucking
beer and you need to tell all the other customers you're dropping fridges off to
to fucking give you a beer to these motherfuckers are like okay bless you thank
you like by the way you're gonna get a survey on email I guess so if you can
fill it out I'm like bitch I gave you beer don't worry about it you're gonna
get five fucking stars you're all now I'm gonna say he was drunk on the job
why would I don't worry about it because if I'm if I'm giving you beer
obviously you're gonna get fucking matched out with stars bitch
fucking guys I and yeah I and shout out to home the best not ever I fucking hate
home Depot it's all about those all about those right about now it's all about
those mm-hmm yeah everybody go to Lowe's what happened about home Depot though
um they they gave me so I bought a dishwasher a brand new dishwasher they
had some I don't know what they do they they contract people to come out yeah and
they install it and guess what my whole fucking kitchen floods they didn't
install it properly I could they check us because that's with my mom's with my
mom's place right I was gonna get a dishwasher and like the plumbing
underneath so you might need to check the plumber I don't know if it's the
installation was wrong or maybe your your plumbing underneath the house for the
god damn it for the water the pipe that the water comes out of that might be
clogged or it might be broken well it was it was nice because I I fucking and
like everything was working properly until I don't really want to say it was
home Depot I whoever they contracted with that came out to my my little town
right they just didn't do something properly so my whole kitchen flooded
and that's because I make my kids just like dude if I'm gonna cook you're gonna
clean that's I gotta give you props I'm not gonna call you a helicopter parent
but you're a fucking good parent when it comes to responsibility with your kids
cuz even I was fucking lazy doing that shit with with M growing up so kudos to
you bitch clink clink on that I'm like hey motherfuckers if there's dishes in
the sink then I'm not cooking and you're not eating or you're gonna eat feed
yourself so if they want a meal so the kids were packing the dishwasher and it
was brand new dishwasher just installed home Depot the contractor it flooded my
whole kitchen it flooded my whole kitchen it buckled my island yeah and
they say it's not our problem that's what fucking home Depot said what uh-huh
and so I had to call my now you gotta call somebody to come out and fucking
fix the I did I called my I honestly I'm a new first-time homebuyer right and
I was like well I guess I have home insurance if you if you crash your car
you call your car insurance people I will call my home insurance people okay
and how did that go nation-wide is not on your side and I fucking last time I
checked we're in America and it's called capitalism and it's never about the
person paying out it's about the person accepting the money and they will never
give it back yeah now I was like well fuck it I I thought my shit to Geico but I
also had to hire just people to coming out just making sure there wasn't black
mold making sure like whatever and yeah it was just fucking it was a fucking
disaster it was a fucking disaster call it like $5,000 later at a good fuck yeah
oh so is it fixed now or no oh it's fixed now but I'm saying so does the
dishwasher actually work oh yeah yeah I got it I got a fucking dishwasher
that's working and the plumber came out and everybody and you better bullshit
you know what I don't talk shit on online but you need to fucking like I guess
yelp and give me a fucking review I want to but I'm just like guess guess what
I'm working for now Lowe's fuck you Home Depot and your contractors and your
fucking shitty service and you know what I would file because I'm old school and
you're old like me I don't know if it still exists but the better business
bureau the triple B I would file a complaint with them yeah there's a little
farm rule farm town yeah roll y'all roll y'all my fucking stupid ass
refrigerator that I bought from fucking Home Depot and all of a sudden stop the
ice maker stop working it's a Samsung it's one of those nice little yeah
$3,000 thank you but guess what I bought like just a regular one I didn't buy
like the fancy one and was fucking $400 for like it's just first I wish you could
come to my mom's house you would see how fucking ridiculous you know what I need
to have like a separate podcast where I just like fucking spill on my god I have
so many mental issues moving back home you guys don't ever move like oh my god
okay anyways I'm sorry keep interrupting you go bitch my stupid
fucking fridge it was so nice and I was like oh this sounds like fucking
amazing and then I don't know it's like four months later the ice stops working
and I don't know I call yeah oh I got a fucking five-year warranty they offered
me the two and I was like you know what I'm a single mom I think I might need a
fucking five-year I will pay the extra yeah fucking can you do it just a lot
I don't know and it was actually one of the nicest refrigerators I've ever
owned I I don't know about the refrigerators that have the freezers on
the bottom with drawers and my brother bought my mom that one yeah it opens up
on the bottom yeah it's kind of like I don't know so I said give me give me at
least a five-year warranty and what they say like oh fuck we're gonna have to do
with it for five fucking years bitch fuckers I'm all fuck you Samsung fuck you
home Depot fuck you they try I told them that my freezer or the ice little maker
because there's a little thing where you can put water I crushed you can change
all this digital it's supposed to be all fancy my brother has the same fridge as
you it sounds like I was like you Samsung and fuck this shit and I'm going
through my manual and just like how the fuck what is going on it just seems like
my ice I guess maker is just kind of broken and over freezing because I can
chip that shit off like a fucking glacier and oh okay go ahead anyways yeah
and I'm just like this is and so I call for help and they say guess what we
don't have anybody in your area at this time and you can just you can take your
fridge back and that's not how this fucking works like no this is not how
this fucking works I bought a warranty you come out and fix it or you come out
and pick the fucking thing up bitch and replace it with a brand new one no
same fucking time it didn't happen so that's why I'm like fuck you you home
depot right now and fuck you Samsung no yeah and I just bought a little fucking
ice maker that makes ice like 10 minutes so I plugged in right next to the fridge
it's it's fine but like I'm like fuck this shit how the fuck am I gonna take
the fridge back and get stood credit yeah
huh I'm like well at least I don't fuck it what if I just made a bad purchase I
guess bad no it's fuck you Samsung you got me all fucking worked up yeah it
sucks so we're gonna have ice when I come up there though right oh yeah I bought a
fucking ice maker and I fucking love me some ice you know I'm making my own
motherfucking ice I'm all fuck you I don't have a fucking truck I'm not renting
a you-haul I'm not I don't know any fucking man out here to fucking help me
load it in and actually to get the motherfucking fridge into my house they had
to have the doors yeah I know what you're fucking talking about so here's my
thing my fridge is a little tiny I guess it's a one-person fridge it's not like
the little mini fridges that fit under a desk or whatever so I fucking measured
the fucking door and I'm like oh it's gonna fit through my dad's old bedroom
which was my bedroom but I'm growing up but I'm like I try to remove the door
yesterday and I'm like oh god not this far has not been removed like you WD48
you fucking take the screwdriver in the fucking hammer and I'm just like fuck
this shit so I didn't remove the door but luckily it fit through because I'm
like I would have made those two little Bubees a little Oopalooba's fucking do
it because that's what I fucking paid I paid extra so you guys can fucking move
this shit like whatever hopefully wasn't like fucking Home Depot well they told
me I have 30 days if something goes wrong and I'm like is that Home Depot no
it's um bet worst buy oh good hopefully yeah I guess cuz it's not a legit it's
not an actual fridge that would be to our I guess store food for a family they
didn't offer me a fucking warranty on that shit when I ordered online hmm
whatever should at least got like a 90-day warranty
whatever you get will you get that on a fucking game council a game council or a
game console you know I am still so fucking mad just thinking about my
fucking fridge right now just talking about the whole thing shit fuck
fucking mad I need I need to just find my little Zen spot yeah well I haven't
found my Zen spot I'm all god damn it's not even fucking 12 a.m. that's good
shit oh I don't even know what I'm gonna tell you oh so I got my Kia Soul okay so
let me talk about my Kia this is gonna be a really long podcast I'll give a fuck
let's do this so the last car I had was a 2014 Chevy Sonic so I still had my key
where you can stick it into the ignition and you can fucking turn it up or
whatever and you start your fucking car cool so this Kia like the Kia dealer the
salesperson picked me up on last Sunday because I'm like I don't have a car you
need to come pick me up are you gonna fucking pay for my Uber cuz I'm not
paying for this shit like if you want this fucking sale let's go Kia Pomona I
fucking love you guys you guys are the only one out of Alhambra, Gwendale and
Garden Grove was that like real Rancho Road Kia Pomona
yeah yeah Pomona bullets fucking love you bitches so they picked me up and a
homegirl that was driving was check this out so she's like was it loud on your
street the night or Saturday night so she picked me up last last Sunday she
picked me up she's like wasn't loud on your street the night before and I'm
like I don't know I fucking went to bed early and the AC the AC was cranking
even though my mom likes it at 80 degrees which I totally get because you
know whatever it's fucking hot
cheers
anyways I finally my oh by the way my air conditioner for my room broke so I
replacement yesterday so I was fucking die my room is at 60 so whatever the
fuck now that I have my air conditioner anyways homegirl from Kia Pomona
she's like was it loud on your street last night I'm like I don't know I didn't
hear anything fucking my air conditioner my I was at the house I was at the house
on the other side of the street two houses down for a birthday party I'm
like oh at Daniel and Emmanuel's house she's like yeah and like we fucking went
to 1 a.m. and like she's like your neighbors are gonna complain the cops
are gonna show up they'll be fine
so I'm like that that was the first sign I'm like I I know Pomona bullets I know
you're like me when it comes to signs right so oh yeah when she told me that
and I'm just like okay it's a sign it's a positive sign that I'm I'm working
with Kia Pomona because I was on my street last night fucking partying
right you got the car though I got the car oh I'm trying to do my my rant
about the car so on the way to Pomona so I can sign the paperwork because I
did everything over the fucking phone and online right because I'm like I don't
like I shouldn't have to do this like in person like I have all the fucking shit
here she tells me because she has the same car that I do I think I'm the same
year right so the Kia Soul she's like yo I'm gonna let you know right now that
the the car talks to you a lot and I'm like okay I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about and she's like let me tell you this if you fuck like it
it's gonna drive you fucking nuts and I'm like okay so Pomona bullets I get my
fucking car I fucking like the car when I'm at the stop light cuz I'm sure
yours does but you're at 2020 so let me ask you this for your Jeep Cherokee does
the um does the car stop when you're at a stoplight
oh you know what yeah it's like a gas saving type of fuck yeah I turn that
fucking shit off so and I'm just like you know what I was like I'll pay for it
just saying stop stop thinking I fucking have a dead battery like right I am not a
gearhead by any means like my other best friend Darcy she's a fucking gearhead
but I will tell you this I'm like that means if my car turns off at a motherfucking
stoplight every time you're fucking idling and it turns off a first of all
it's a hundred degrees outside so my air conditioning shuts off that's fucking
stupid and be who cares if you're saving fucking gas your starter is going to go
out like you know what I'm talking about and I'm just like what's the shelf life of
the starter on a fucking car now because you're sitting at a stoplight and it
turns off and then like 30 seconds later it's it cuts back on the shelf life of
the starter on a new car is probably gonna be shit so you're gonna have to
replace your motherfucking starter and I'm sorry if I'm yelling I'm so fucking
worked up okay so that happens I fucking tell her what I'm doing the test
drive I'm like I want to test drive the shit they make me test drive it I'm
like okay we need this disabled because I'm fucking leasing the car
promotable issues like we can't disable us you're not you can't disable it bitch
I'm like this fuck this shit is fucking dumb yeah so I'm not trying to like I
don't know like fucking global warming is already happening like what the fuck
am I gonna do right fucking keep my car my car engine on please out of fucking
red light so now I have to like and she's like you have to do it every time
you're at a light and I'm like damn it but um it turns out I only have to do it
once I guess but I haven't driven like long distance no so yeah all you have to
do is just keep your foot on the gas pedal and and just stop if it is a red
light just stop about maybe five feet from the and then yeah I'm just I hit the
light now because I'm just like this or the button or whatever but here's the
other thing when I get out of this fucking car it tells me to check the rear
seat to make sure I didn't leave any people in the backseat and I'm like you
know what I know people are fucking dumb and people got so much dumber and
lazier since the lockdown but this shit tops the motherfucking cake I'm like
fucking seriously don't fucking tell me that shit and they told me when I signed
the paperwork they're like this is not an automatic driving car you need to
manually drive it I'm like look I know you're trying to tell me this because of
liability reasons but I'm not a stupid bitch like this is not a Tesla and fuck
Tesla fuck Elon Musk I don't give a fuck about that fucking car company and him
so I'm going to moon I'm going down street exactly and don't fucking go to
Mars leave Mars alone like Mars is there for a reason and oh I fucking hate the
human race that's my fucking rant and this fucking technology is making people
more dumber and stupider no and stupider is not even a word girls you know what
it's a new word we're playing it in the fucking dictionary stupider stupider
must read a map stupider you can't read a fucking map like
yeah you just can't read a fucking map you're stupider
begin of maps so I got my fucking iPhone and for those that don't know I
transferred finally over from Samsung or I guess from Android to fucking iPhone
so I fucking downloaded all my fucking Google shit right so I Google Google
Maps and I guess Apple has their own fucking map system and I don't give a
fuck I'm still Google girl at the end of the day so I will listen to Google maps
before I listen to fucking Siri fuck that dumb bitch's name is like a village
bicycles everybody rides fucking Siri bitch yeah fucking Siri well Siri fuck
you she goes I won't answer to that but she'll answer the slut but and she'll
also answer where do you bury the body she'll fucking answer that but she won't
answer to Siri fuck off stupid Siri I don't even know how to activate Siri on
my phone you just hold the power button until the little stupid goes up on the
bottom and then you just say whatever the fuck you want what's the weather what's
time how do you spell this how do you do that it's she's your fucking absolute
I'm gonna fucking help you be a motherfucking retard for the rest of
your fucking life here on earth
I love you Pomona bullets love you too I think we better end this and I got a
merge both episodes together or I guess both yeah because you know friend was so
rude and interrupted by calling now fucking episode session
I see I always say Jesus and and actually I'm atheist but um but I heard
that's the name you call when you're you know you're getting a car accident or
some shit we call sweet James down here do you know who sweet James is oh is
that who I need to call he's like the new Larry H Parker and let me fucking tell
you this you need to fucking Google sweet James okay when I was working for
the city of Long Beach I told my buddy one of my good friends I'm like you see
those billboards are fucking all over the 605 they're all over right no I'm
just like he looks like and even I told him this I'm like this motherfucker looks
like he will like buy one of those cheap prostitutes and he'll hook up with them
in like a motel hit me up on my fucking Instagram that's right I'm like he'll
buy three of those cheap um what's it called prostitutes and tell them to meet
them at the motel six I'm like yeah baby I'll pay you after I fuck you and then
he's the type of guy that would wash his dick in the fucking sink yeah what's
that a lot because I'm a graphic bitch my daughter was just like what the fuck
mom I'm like that's the type of person he is like he wouldn't even like do a
proper cleaning like he would even jump in the fuck shower right I just washed
it in the sink and I'm like who the fuck does that yeah people like sweet James
I'm gonna have to Google that shit I don't I don't know but I know California is
fucking crazy I will Google sweet James billboards and I will send it to you
like yeah he washes his dick in the sink the cheapy prostitutes that off a
skid row like oh okay you're high in dollar and like no you're not no you're
paying $40 like
like
oh shit well it was good chatting to
you later clink clink clink clink bye bitches bye