I
Good day bitch what it do girl you just join I got a mouthful enough
I was waiting for you to join like like maybe 30 seconds later. I'm like let me throw these nuts in my mouth really quick and chew
Just nuts
There is that right almonds and cashews
All right, what are you drinking let's get started. I'm actually today. I'm drinking some soco
Sun and comfort. Oh my fucking god. I know my brother
Why did he ever tell you how do I sound okay on the mic really quick? Yeah, okay perfect
Me him my college best friend Tina and um
Who's the other one? Oh Lila? Um, I'm sorry my sister-in-law
I don't know. I brought a bottle of soco over there one day and we just all I went fucking balls deep with that shit. I
I
Fucking pass out. I apparently I got up to get to go to the bathroom or whatever
I got up from my chair and I fucking like just blacked out and I hit my head on the concrete my daughter was crying
I was at hundred proof I don't know what the fuck it was but
Everybody after that everybody's like no more soco period like we all overdosed on that like maybe two years later
I'm at a baseball game and I'm like guess what I'm drinking. They're like what and I'm like soco
They're like, you know what I'm gonna go throw up right now
PTSD
Okay, so I had like two and a half shots of just regular vodka left so I threw that in with
Cherry Bundy, which is like a hundred percent tart cherry juice. No sugar added
So I'm trying to hydrate and libate at the same time today since it's Sunday. It's sweet
Sounds great. I am I'm drinking mine on the rocks
Actually
You should put some nuts in your mouth, too
Yeah
How's your fingers? Oh fuck. I was just thinking about that before we got on this call
I was like this shit sucks. My pinky is the one that's like really giving me some issues right now
It just like throbs kind of looks like a fucking grape
The swelling hasn't gone down
It does but then when I utilize it or type or do shit, it's just it
It's just kind of delaying the healing process. I guess I don't fuck
You know, you know, or whatever. Oh, no, I fucking I wore those maybe two days and then I was like fuck this shit
Yeah
All right
Did you happen to watch them the Cypress Hill thing I'd sent you I did you don't have to watch the whole thing
No, it was actually very fucking entertaining
So I did watch it because I thought I follow them on fucking um, what's it called Instagram?
So when they posted this shit, I'm like
They're fucking at a at there at the San Diego Symphony and they're fucking doing this shit
Oh, I was like, I don't know because you know, I fucking love Cypress Hill. So I was just like yeah. Oh, I was just
elated
Let me sound like a mega Karen bitch
Yeah, I'm related that Cypress Hill was doing and they were all fucking suited and booted
They were looking good girl. I'd hit all of them. Yeah
I'm like because you know when you're a rapper you just see them in their fucking street wear
And I'm just like you guys need to dress or suit be suited and booted all the time
Don't wear no more street wear some people look good suited and booted some don't they look really good suited and booted
Oh, you know, it comes with age. They're like fine wine
Yeah, I agree and they're all aging well because they're not white. Yeah
They're looking tired. Yeah, they're not all looking like leather
Oh, I feel better now that I had some alcohol in me. I know me too. I was like
I have one beer left in the fridge and I found that I call them stragglers
I found it when I was going through the pantry early as I got one get left
But I'm not gonna do any beer till like the week before I come out and see you. I need to dry out with the bear shit
Yeah
Me too. I can't even fucking button my pants. I'm like, sorry beer. That's why you need to fucking get leggings
Yeah, exactly where my active wear and just you know
Did your son do karate yesterday he did he did he's now doing sparring so
Oh, yeah, he's not too happy about it, but
Like what the fuck I grew up with a shit ton of sisters and
Fuck and we never had no gear
Like, you know impact the blow
So shit, you're like a little like
It reminds me of the little sumo wrestler suits that people buy and they like the inflated ones
He's all he's all patted up
He's a sparring here fucking
Take a hit and give one. He's like, I don't want to get hurt
Oh, yeah, you know life life socks and
You know how to do a proper roundhouse kick to the fucking chin
Brace yourself, I show your upper lip. Yeah
Yeah, choke choke somebody out properly
Yes
Okay
So before I forget to tell you I had to bring this up on Urban Dictionary
So I went to go get my card. I was like Kia yesterday because they needed to put the xylone coating in
That's okay protective coat whatever the fuck. I don't know
Anyways, so I'm talking to the I'm talking to my sales guys name is Jason and
He's he's Hispanic
And I was telling him how I got when I went to college. It was DeVry. So it was I'm like
I would always run the streets with my boyfriend at the time
And he's like you would run the streets and I'm like, well, whatever he sold weed
But I was always on Valley and hope like
We weren't making runs, but you know, just stupid. Yeah, and he's like
He's like Emma
He's like, you know that um, Cholos don't exist anymore. I'm like, what? That's what I said
He's like, yeah, no, they're all fucking soft and he's like all these millennials now
He's like they're all soft that they're very emotional
We call them Edgers. There's no Cholos is no longer
The right terms they're Edgers because they're all soft and I'm like
Oh, no, it's in or Edgers is an urban dictionary. So let me read this to you and you'll be like, what's the fuck?
Edgers is a Latin American teenager who possesses a bold cut. I'm sorry a bull cut perm mullet or some combination of these
They're spotted in packs at six flags and malls and usually wear a black t-shirt and jeans sometimes even a sweatshirt
Nothing hardcore there at all. What happened to the Nike Cortez?
Yeah, exactly the shorts that go like I mean you might as well wear pants. What happened to the Raiders or the Cowboys gear?
What happened to the bald bald head? There's no mullets
Mm-hmm
I'm not sure what happened to the bald head. I think you were right. I think it was a little bit weird
Bald bald head. There's no mullets. Mm-hmm. What happened to the tattoos on the face or your last name and old English on your back
There's they don't exist anymore. I guess that's what he told me and this guy. Um, my sales guy. I would say he's probably like maybe 30
Oh, shit
What a time to be alive
I've been living under a rock. Well, no, I've been living in Oregon. So I don't fucking know there ain't no Cholos here
I'll tell you that
I
Fuck
You know what my I let me just pick my jaw up from the floor
What happened to my Cholos? My dad used to like to call them ballheaded bastards and we don't have any ballheaded bastards anymore
You need to tell your dad not anymore, bitch. Yeah, I guess you uh, you got you did your job, right?
They're they're
Around
Um patrol I guess or he he was in Pomona then or where was he yeah
So he started off his career. Um LA PDF patrolling and and then he moved into uh, Pomona PDF
patrolling and then into homicide
He was never sheriff. He was always blue. Oh, no, he became lieutenant. He retired lieutenant. Yeah, but was he sheriff or PD? Oh, he was chef.
Okay.
Well, good.
Yeah, he's still alive. So yeah, he wasn't.
But yeah, he did like a 40 plus year run. So in the law enforcement.
No, I was wondering. Okay.
Okay, well that's cool.
Yeah.
Keeping the streets safe.
And meanwhile, you're a Griselda Blanco on the side. Yeah, I know. And my dad said if you get in the daily bulletin one more fucking time.
You're never going to eat.
It was, it was funny because the last time I was in the, the front page of a newspaper for those that don't know it's a newspaper, the daily bulletin.
Do they even still have newspapers? Some people get newspapers on my street, but I live on a street with a lot of senior citizens. So that's that.
You need to scroll on your phone, bitch.
The last time I was on the front page of the newspaper, it was actually pretty innocent.
I decided to ditch school. And we were going to go up to Mount Baldy, which is a mountain over in the southern region of California.
Yeah, they had, and it was snow. They had snow. So my friend said, Hey, guess what, let's ditch school and let's go to the snow.
My cousin's going to pick us up. She has a car. I think I was in junior high at the time.
And I was like, Okay, let's, let's go. So we ditch school.
Wait, who drove you guys like a joy road, joy, joy ride it?
No, it wasn't a joy ride. It was her cousin. It was an older, older cousin had a car was waiting for us at the corner. We jumped the fence. We ditch school.
So we go to the mountains. There's snow. And we're making a snowman. It was innocent.
Did you take your sisters with you? Like, I know your sisters are all one year apart or whatever.
Anytime you did this type of shit, were your sisters bad like you?
My younger one was my older sister and we're just a year apart.
My older sister was more just a negative Nancy. She never wanted to have fun. She wanted to make good grades and be a cheerleader and all that shit.
And she would tell me so. No. Oh, God, damn it. Yeah.
My younger sister would be totally down. But she, man, she was a little bit.
She hung around a crowd. I was a little more crazy than what I would do. I was just a normal child that was just like, fuck it. Let's ditch school.
So we go to the mountains. We're making a snowman. It's legit innocent.
This lady comes up to us and she has a camera and she says, Hey, hi girls, how are you doing?
My name is so is so I'm from the sun. I didn't know what the fuck the sun meant. I just thought like, oh, you're fucking alien.
Like, I don't fucking know. A fucking sun. Okay.
Well, if you stayed in school, you would know what the fuck that meant. I know. I was just like, okay, but she was so sweet.
And she's like, may I please take some pictures? I am a journalist, whatever. And we're like, yeah, she's taking pictures of us.
She asked for our names and like fucking idiots. We fucking give our real fucking names. No alias. I should have said I'm Jane Doe, but no.
You should have said you're Pomona bullets.
Yeah, I should have. And I give my mother fucking name first and last, like a fucking idiot, like a fucking idiot.
And the next day, my, my grandpa, my grandfather, he always got the daily bulletin the newspaper.
That was his fucking routine gets his oatmeal sits at the table reads the fucking newspaper does the crossword fucking puzzle.
My aunt, she comes over and she's like, hey, bitch, you're on the fucking front page again.
Like, what again again, but this was an innocent one. It wasn't a bad one this time. It was an innocent one. I was making a fucking snowman.
And yeah, and my fucking first and last name, right there. Boom. Yeah, please don't tell my dad, you know what I did. I tried to cut it out with scissors.
I was like, you really needed to stay in school. You dumb.
What the fuck happened to my newspaper and I said I need it for my current events report. Okay, well, you're a little bit smarter. Okay. Yeah, I tried. I tried.
I tried, but it didn't work out well. I was caught.
The thing was when the school tried to call my grandparents home to tell them, hey, your kid wasn't in there. Remember the whole thing it was like star 69 you could call back whoever.
Yeah, yeah, and all that and then you so there was a call block was like star 67 or something like that. I don't.
Oh, so you blocked the calls. I blocked the calls from the school.
I love you, bitch. And my my grandma would always have me answer that answer that so it was always like I answered it and I was like, our 67 it is.
Yeah, block this motherfucker. Like you're never going to tell my grandparents that I'm ditching.
So who's your dad, or he read the paper. Oh, yeah, my dad fucking read the goddamn paper.
I couldn't cut out the current events article on all the papers. Right.
And yeah, I got in trouble but it was worth it.
That's class. That's a classic line. If you are in the Daily Bulletin one more time.
Yeah, yeah, he threatened me like I can lose my job.
And you want to wire and I was like you can lose your job. Yeah, just like when he lied when I would draw fake tattoos with the big point 10.
And you said I was gonna get fucking ink poisoning and shit. No, that's a lie myth but busters.
So I guess like him and your older sister were like the best best is a friend since she was straight A and.
Yeah, it was it's in my head constantly still and I'm, you know, I'm in my 40s.
So I still hear why people are like your sister but it's okay because now tables have turned.
There you go. So whoop whoop. Yeah, when I was growing up.
Because I'm exactly like my dad. Like I don't know. Would you take I guess was your dad bad growing up then or who do you take after like all your your traits and your mannerisms and all that shit.
My dad and my dad tries to say, don't tell anybody but you're my favorite.
That's like, you're like you're such a lie you tell that to everybody. Yeah, you probably tell that to everyone.
But I think me and my dad are we are two peas in a pod. We clashed a lot we bumped heads a lot because I was so much like him.
And now it's like great fucking pop a beer, we're fucking have some fucking whiskey. We're just like, we're doing it like he's one of my best friends like I love my dad.
That's the same with me and well my dad's no longer here but I was exactly like my dad growing up so like, and I still am I guess like direct blunt and like I'll tell you what I want, or you know that type of shit.
But I remember growing up my mom would always excuse me mom, my mom would always say like why can't you be more like your brother you're exactly like your dad and I'm just like bitch you know you turn me into this right when you call the cops on me at the age of three and a half so
fucking start with me please.
Three and a half.
Yeah, well I told you that story right. Yeah.
Yeah, my fucking mom. Fuck my mom. I mean fuck my mom in a good way but I'm like I just always wonder like if she never called the cops on me at the age of three and a half.
Like, would I be like, like the most boring as person in the world and I probably married with five kids and fucking just like oh, I want to drown all these kids in myself like I just got to end my fucking life.
I was just like, but I was just like, I'm so glad she called the cops on me at the age of three and a half. I'm just like what's the. I don't understand.
Anyway, there you go.
Yeah, my mom's the same way.
When they when my parents divorced, my mom did not like me and I used to think it was middle child syndrome. But,
you're like your dad. Yeah, and she said, oh, you remind me of your father.
And I was like good. Yeah, and, and he's still pushing. He still runs marathons. He's still looking good.
300 pounds.
Oh, shit.
300.
Just do it for entertainment purposes.
Just say it for the shock effect. Yeah.
So when's the last time you saw your dad.
The last time I saw him was unfortunately at my grandmother's funeral, his mother passed and.
So, you know, unions are typically funerals. So, yeah, how long ago was that about two years ago?
Oh, okay. I was wondering, because I know you've been up there for seven. So I was just wondering if like he comes up to visit you guys.
No, you would think but he, he's his own man. He always says he always gives me these promises. I'm going to come up there. I want to see you.
We're going to go fishing or go shooting.
What is your dad.
70 he'll be 77 this year.
He was born on Christmas.
Oh, he's a Capricorn.
Yep.
Well, the December Capricorns are the total opposite of myself, which is the January Capricorn, by the way, but okay, I like him even more now.
Yeah, that's why we mesh. Well, he's a little ram and I'm a bull and let's do this, like, right.
And we like to clink clink.
Good.
So I don't, I don't know. I'm just like trying to stay cool right now. You know, my mom's place is so fucking loud with all the shit that's on. I'm hopefully this because I'm in my old bedroom, which is my, I guess, turned into my dad's office and now it's Maris or my
daughter's office and she works from home but like there's a fridge in here and I'm hoping it's not fucking humming. So it doesn't pick up on the mic but I don't.
I try to go everywhere but my room is too far away from the fucking, I guess the Wi Fi bullshit. I'm not putting an amplifier.
You know, I'm not gonna eat a dick. I'm not doing all that shit.
I'm so fucking.
I'm just gonna say we have these little sales people. I don't know I'm like is it a, you know, a Mormon, a Jehovah Witness, my fucking doorbell rings. And if nobody's texting me and saying hey bitch, I'm at your door.
And my doorbell has been ringing to this. Yeah, I'm not gonna answer the fucking door. Like, I don't give a fuck who you are because you're probably a solicitor, whatever.
And I get it, it's a job, do you, but I'm so motherfucking tired of having these fucking people coming to my door.
They ring the doorbell, like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding, it's not even fucking just like ding dong, like hey is anybody home. It's like I need to get in. Somebody's chasing me type shit or I don't know how.
I don't have a story for you when you're done.
Okay.
And they're asking me, would you like solar panels?
Fucking solar panels.
Are you kidding me?
We live in fucking Oregon.
You're trying to sell solar panels
in the two fucking months of the fucking whole year
where there's actual sun.
Like why would I fucking want to fucking invest
in the fucking solar panels?
Wait, so you're Oregon, where you're at,
it's like Seattle then or what?
Yes, not as bad.
But, oh, I didn't know that.
Yes, it just fucking rains all the time.
And I'm glad because I want to go outside in the rain
because I feel like crying.
I want to cry out loud and just be wet all over.
Yeah, just fucking my makeup's ruined.
My fucking glasses are fucking foggy.
Yeah, foggy and all fucking, I have to keep cleaning them.
It's fucking rain.
It's always rain.
And what's worse is I have that island fucking hair
and everyone thinks, oh, you have straight hair.
That's so beautiful.
No, it's not.
It takes fucking...
I'm gonna buy you this little fucking tube.
It's $26, but I swear to fucking Christ.
I'm like, let me buy this shit.
I bet this shit is fucking crap.
I'm like, I'll spend $26 on it.
This shit fucking works.
And I have very little hair.
You don't really use a lot,
but I will buy you some in Amazon to you
because you will fucking love this shit
for your fucking island hair, bitch.
Thank God.
And people are just like, whoa, you have curly hair?
And I was like, it's not actually curly.
It's fucking nappy.
It's crazy.
Yeah, and the minute fucking water hits it, Jesus.
Just call it pubes on my fucking head.
Like I...
Ew!
I fucking hate it, but it's okay.
Yeah, please send it.
Hey, wait, wait, have you seen that movie,
Waiting with Justin Long and Ryan Reynolds?
Yes.
Okay, remember the girl Naomi?
The other one?
Yeah, bitch.
That's it.
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah, all right, Nickname was Paul Malau,
fucking for a while.
Fucking, I should have been on the head and shoulders
commercial with them, but yeah, female male.
Like, now I have a story.
Where are we trying to go with this?
Okay, so I have a story about people knocking
on your fucking door.
Okay, so I don't have a ring.
We don't have a ring here at my house, right?
But I get home and my mom and my daughter,
they just need to start paying attention.
Anyways, my mom thinks it's funny.
God, I'm sorry if you hear my dog barking
and guess my mom's home.
Anyways, somebody, I wasn't home, I was at work.
My daughter works from home.
Somebody knocked on our door, or our door, right?
And asked, it was a black female with red hair.
So they asked if we have rooms to rent.
Let that, wait, hold on, let that sink in your fucking head.
So I get home from work and my mom tells me this
and starts laughing and I'm just like, bitch, what the fuck?
So I'm like, okay, so let me preface with this
to saying that the house next door to us,
the owners turned it into a living care facility
for the older people, okay?
Okay.
So they have on-site nurses, they live there,
they have people live, or the older people live there,
whatever.
Anyways, so I'm like, okay, I'll wait for my daughter
to get off work, even though she's right in front of me.
I don't wanna disturb her, cause she's fucking working.
My mom would disturb her, by the way,
but I'm like, she's fucking working,
I'm gonna leave her alone.
So when she gets off work, I ask her, I'm like,
what happened?
And she tells me, she's like, mom,
somebody came to the door, rang the doorbell,
and when I went to go open the door, because we have,
like, I call it the prison jail cell, the screen door.
You know what I'm talking about though.
Yeah, oh yeah, okay.
Yeah, so when my daughter opened up the door,
that obviously was locked.
So when she went to go, like, go, I guess,
towards the door to talk to the lady,
the lady stepped up on the fucking porch and asked her,
like, and then she went to go like, I guess,
I don't know if I'm saying this right.
She went to go, she was trying,
she wasn't trying to get in the house,
but she was like insinuating she wanted to get in the house
so she could talk to my daughter.
So I'm like, what the fuck?
So she asked my daughter if there's a room to rent,
and my daughter was just like, no.
What the fuck are you talking about?
A, she fucking leaves.
So when I get home and I'm in the garage exercising,
I see the same fucking chick,
but I didn't realize it was the same chick,
but my dog is, well, Fenway barks at every fucking thing.
Yeah.
So I was just like, she looked weird walking up the street
with a handbag, and she was just looking at me
because I was looking at her,
and Fenway's barking at her.
Anyways, I asked, and so Marissa was like,
I'm like, how did you feel?
Because Nana thinks it's funny,
but this is, we live on a dead end street.
Let me start there as well.
Yeah, right?
So I'm just like, what the fuck?
So Marissa was just like, yeah,
it kind of felt weird,
the fact that she stepped up on the porch,
and I'm like, how'd you feel?
Like, did you feel like something was wrong?
She's like, yes.
I'm like, okay, now we have a problem.
So of course it was late at night,
so I didn't want to call next door.
I have the owners, the original owners that live,
or I guess I lived there because I was growing up,
they would live, or I have their numbers.
Anyways, so I'm like, I'll wait till the morning
to talk to the nurses that work there
and see if that person was,
this lady knocked on the fucking door,
or on their door to see if they have
a fucking room to rent, right?
Right.
She was walking up the street doing that shit.
So I was just like, all right.
So I get home from work the next fucking day,
and I'm like, and so, and I'm just fucking on edge
because I'm like, dude, my mom is fucking 82.
I'm like, don't fucking pull the shit on my street.
I will fucking...
Yeah, I know how you roll, yeah.
Right.
I'm like, I will bust somebody.
And my mom's like, I don't understand
what you're thinking.
And I'm like, they're fucking casing the joint
or they're casing the street
because nobody fucking does that shit.
Who the fuck walks up and down the street
knocking on doors, talking about,
do you have a fucking room to rent?
Yeah, fuck that shit.
So let me preface this again with saying
my daughter didn't tell me that this lady had
like a Nigerian accent, okay?
Because next door, there's all the nurses there
are I guess from Nigeria or South Africa
or the Philippines, of course.
Of course, yeah.
You didn't fucking tell me that part.
So I knocked next door before I called the owners
of the house, I'm like, let me talk next door really quick.
So I talked to the male nurse, who's Filipino?
I'm like, Louis.
Hey, did somebody knock on your door yesterday,
black lady, red hair and ask if there was a room to rent?
And he's like, what?
No.
And he's like, what'd she look like?
And I'm like, I'm like, I just told you.
I'm like, yeah, black with red hair and it's short.
And I'm like, I saw the same lady that my daughter described
to me walking up the street
and my dog was barking at her, but she barks at everybody.
And he's like, no, but he's like, you know what?
We just had a new nurse start here last week.
And that sounds like it might be her.
So I'm like, okay, well, where the fuck is she?
So I can like, where the fuck is she?
Yeah, I'm gonna confirm this is the subject.
Right.
So look, I'm sorry that I'm dragging this story out,
but I have to build up to the climax,
which is my daughter who was a fucking millennial.
She was just like, okay, so Louis next door, he's like,
well, she's on lunch, she'll be back in an hour.
And then I'm like, okay, I will be back here
in 75 fucking minutes with my daughter.
And we let the fucking check this bitch out.
If this is her, we're good.
If not, now we have a real fucking problem.
So he's like, okay, that's cool.
So I get back to my house, I call PD
and there's no PD up here, it's fucking sheriff.
So I call the sheriff's office and I'm like, yo,
this is what's going on.
Did anybody call from this street yesterday talking about,
do you have a fucking room to rent?
And they're like, no, she immediately says no.
And I'm like, you didn't even fucking check your files, bitch.
Yeah, yeah, you know?
Excuse me, I didn't even hear any fucking typing
on the keyboard.
Fuck 911 dispatcher.
Why didn't call 911?
I just called like the main line,
cause it wasn't, you know, I'm not that bitch,
but she's like, no, and I'm just like, okay,
she's like, why didn't you call yesterday?
I'm like, this is not, don't fucking turn the shit around.
Yeah.
Okay, cool, I'm like, well, I need you to do me a favor,
do you fucking document that I fucking called in
and said this is what's going on,
even though it's not happening as we speak,
cause she was giving me issues, whatever.
So I tell Marissa, I'm like, look,
we're going to go over there after the lunchtime,
blah, blah, blah, she's like, because she's black,
which is totally fine, right?
I don't fucking care.
My daughter was very concerned.
You fucking green.
What's the matter?
Thank you, that's where I'm going with this.
My daughter was so concerned that I was going to say something
out of turn or like be racist and I'm like,
I'm not going to be fucking racist.
I just, she's like, what are you going to do?
I'm like, when she comes out to the outside,
I just need you to identify her.
I will identify her.
If we're all on the same page, then good,
we can fucking walk away.
If not now, now I got to do drastic fucking measures.
Anyways, it turns out that the chick walking up
and down the street asking if there's a room to rent
is the girl that works next door.
What the fuck?
Right.
And I'm like, what are you doing?
And then she's like, well, I guess
because she actually lives next door to me,
like at the house, right?
She's like, well, I have another,
I guess one of her Nigerian nurse friends
just came over from, I guess, Nigeria,
wherever I should just say Nigeria.
Yeah.
And, excuse me, she's looking for a room to rent.
I guess that's, cause she works next door as well,
but she, I guess she lives,
she lives in Pomona of all fucking places.
Oh my gosh, no.
Probably on the west side though.
Right.
I hope it's the west side,
cause if it's on the east side,
then that's even a longer time.
Yeah, then there's gonna be some issues.
Right.
She should have called me.
I would have had it handled.
Please.
Right.
But so she works next door, crisis averted.
And then so we fucking leave to walk back home, right?
Which is all of 13 steps.
My daughter's just like,
mom, thank you so much for being like accommodating
or whatever I'm like, excuse me, A and B.
I'm like, you don't understand.
I would do this if it was a dude,
if she was Hispanic, if she was white,
it doesn't fucking matter about the color.
I'm just trying to keep my house and my street safe.
So fuck you.
Yeah.
She's just like, good God,
everybody in there, goddamn feelings.
I fucking hate that.
You know, this is just bringing me back again, PTSD.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, G unit was, I'm gonna go into the story.
Okay.
Single mom, remember my corner house right there?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
So I'm coming home.
It was the time change.
So it was darker.
I didn't leave my lights on,
which I typically used to do just so when I get home
as a single mom, I have my daughter,
I get into my house, whatever.
And it's a fucking corner house.
And I had a lot of stuff to just kind of watch out for.
I didn't have any cameras.
And back then I didn't have any ring.
There was no rings back there.
Yeah.
There was nothing.
But I always still rolled out, locked and loaded.
So, I'll just say that.
G unit was about, maybe nine or 10 months.
She was still in one of those little carriers,
those little car seats where you click it in
and you take it out and stuff like that.
And I see this guy, it was a kid, almost,
maybe mid-20s, I don't know.
But again, growing up the way I grew up,
I was already like, oh, he's about five, seven,
African-American, white shirt, this, that.
I'm already just registering it really quick.
And it's not that I'm trying to judge a book by its cover,
but that's just how I was raised.
I'm always just, and he's kind of walking back and forth.
And I'm trying to get into my driveway.
And he allows me like, oh, oops, go into your driveway.
So I go into my driveway and he comes up to my car.
And I haven't even turned off the ignition or anything.
I have my daughter in the back and he says,
like, roll down your window.
But he does that old school little,
like roll down your window.
Yeah.
And so I had the automatic windows.
I cracked it just a little bit.
And I said, how can I help you?
And he's like, you probably don't remember me,
but yeah, I was here and he's just buying time.
That's what I thought.
First thing, you're buying time, dude.
And I was like, so you're the fucking watcher.
And I'm just thinking all this shit.
Like, no, no.
And then I hear like a whistle and he just goes, bye.
And he runs and he gets across my front yard.
And I was like, oh, no, fuck this, fuck that,
fuck that, fuck that.
I get my protection.
And I put my dome light on in my car.
I call my dad, which at that point,
he was only about a mile away from me,
living about a mile away from me.
And I leave my daughter in the car.
And thank goodness, I went shooting the other day
and I had all my guns underneath this little couch
because I was cleaning that.
So I had more and I swear to God,
I felt like Charlie's Angels.
And I just thought, if there's a motherfucker in my house,
someone's gonna die.
And I locked my daughter into my car.
I left the dome light on.
I went in and I was just Charlie's Angels.
I started flipping on all these lights.
I started doing everything.
I saw this dude jumping out of my daughter's nursery.
What the fuck?
Yeah, yeah.
And I was like, and I had my dad on the phone.
And I said, I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna fucking shoot him.
And I already had it.
I was already ready.
I don't even know the whole situation.
I should have took it a different approach.
No, but you're trying to just,
you were in like fight or flight mode
and you're like fight because if you flight,
you're gonna die.
Yeah.
Or my shit's gonna get stolen
and I'm a fucking single mom and fuck this.
This guy's jumping out of my daughter's window
into my backyard and he's trying to get over my fence
to leave or whatever.
And I told my dad, I'm gonna fucking shoot.
My dad said, you can't.
Don't shoot him from the back.
Yeah, thank you.
You know, don't do it.
You're fucking front because you're gonna go to jail
or you're gonna...
Yeah, and he's not technically in your home anymore.
Yeah.
And don't do it from the back.
And he was like, oh, so I just shot, but not at him.
I didn't aim at him.
I just shot like, hey dude, I fucking have a...
Well, he was a dumb motherfucker
because he didn't find any of your guns under the couch.
Yeah, exactly.
And that's right when you come in.
And I had fucking three guns there.
I had like a 380, my nine, and my 45 fucking...
Yeah, clocks.
And I'm like, okay, you fucking idiot.
But I don't know.
So I was like, well, is there more people in the house?
I don't know.
So my dad fucking of course rolls up
and he's all, did you check the perimeter?
And I was like, nope, that's your job.
That's your job.
I'm checking closets.
I'm checking under beds.
I'm checking because I had three bedrooms.
And I'm just checking.
And I was like, these motherfuckers.
Did they take anything?
Well, I guess...
No, I rolled up probably right
before they had the opportunity.
Gosh.
And then I opened my front door
and I had the same type of that security door.
And I was like, fuck you.
I'm just like, do I call cops?
Like, do I even call them?
No, you call my dad.
Yeah, I'll just call my dad.
Dad, just tell your buddies.
This is what happened.
They never came back, I bet.
Oh, fuck no.
I was, no.
But it was a very scary experience.
Yeah, no, I hear you.
But, and then I just, I would,
that whole night, of course I didn't sleep.
And I'm just like...
Understandable.
And I got my daughter.
I'm like, oh gosh, thank God.
She was asleep, she didn't even know what was going on.
She didn't know that I thought.
You filed a police report, right?
Oh, of course, of course.
I'm like, you ain't that dumb.
No, because I fucking shot
and I shot at my wooden fence just on the bottom.
On top of that too.
Okay, I didn't even think about that.
Yeah, so I had to, I had to at least say,
but they apprehended,
because I'm talking like, if I was a cop.
Well, they're going southbound on this street
and he was about five, six years old.
He was a male usual.
And...
Definitely a cello, not an Edgar.
Yeah, yeah.
No, well, yeah, yeah.
And I was like, not today suckers.
And not tomorrow, not never.
And I hope you F and O.
And I don't know if they were scoping out my house or what,
but they probably knew,
oh, this chick comes home at this time.
Well, they didn't know how to tell time since you came home.
Yeah. And I was like, ha, ha, fucking,
thank you daylight savings.
Fuck.
Okay, so now that we're talking about guns.
So maybe about, shit, I wanna say 26, 15.
So what are we in 20?
So like about eight years ago,
I was at my brother's, right?
So it was me, him and my sister-in-law's wife.
We're getting ready to,
now let me preface this with,
before I went over there, I talked to the God,
my oldest nephew's Godfather.
I'm like, hey, I'm in town, stop by.
If you guys are free, stop by you and your wife.
So he's like, all right, never heard from them.
Totally forgot about it.
So me and my brother and his wife,
we're walking out of the house and you've been there.
So we walking out on the porch
and we're getting ready to pile into the car.
And my brother lives on a dead end street as well.
Oh gosh, yeah.
So we have a Ford expedition,
like this as we're getting ready to pile into the car
cause we're gonna go to the bar.
Story of our lives, right?
Clink, clink.
Right?
So this fucking Ford expedition is like,
makes a slow right turn and is like,
just fucking like creeping down the street.
I'm fucking, we're all fucking drunk already.
Or I, no, I'm sorry, because Lila was gonna,
she doesn't drink.
So my sister-in-law doesn't really drink.
So she was gonna drive.
I'm fucked up.
We're getting ready to go to the bar
so we can have more fun and turn up.
My brother is like,
la and he points at the house and he's like kitchen.
And I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
Cause my brother is seeing this fucking Ford expedition
like roll down the street real slow.
And I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
And I thought it was funny at first,
but his tone like his tone changed.
I turn around and when I turn around to see
what the fuck kitchen meant,
Lila comes out with fucking guns.
And she's like, daddy and he fucking,
she fucking throws one to him.
He catches it.
And then like all of a sudden, like,
cause you know my brother lives on,
so if you're coming down,
you don't wear my brother's left.
Yeah, yeah.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
When the Ford expedition is coming down the street,
it's not on the same side as the right side.
So my brother would live on the left side.
So this motherfucker like jackknife
and like pulls into like the side.
He doesn't pull into the driver,
but he pulls it all like all fucking sharp and shit.
My brother, everybody was freaked out.
And then like the Godfather man,
he was like, what the fuck?
And he's like, yo, and my brother's like,
yo, you cannot show up here unannounced
and you don't fucking creep down my motherfucking street.
Cause you see how
I was like, me.
Fuck, I love it.
Merca.
I'm like, you guys all fucked up my fucking buzz right now.
Like, don't pull this shit.
He's like, well, if said to come through and I'm like,
well, you could have fucking said you're on your way, bitch.
Like who the fuck does that shit?
Fuck, especially in SoCal.
Right.
I like that.
Organize this like law where, hey,
you can just fucking protect your shit.
Somebody enters your house back front.
Don't fucking matter.
Nice.
Yeah.
Fucking love it here.
Fucking wish.
And my whole neighborhood and again,
I live on a cul-de-sac as well.
So.
What the fuck is cul-de-sac?
Fuckin' cul-de-sac.
Oh shit.
But everybody is just like, Merca.
I have like, I think the sergeant of our little town
lives here too.
And everybody's just like, are you okay?
We saw somebody at your house.
We saw somebody knocking.
We saw somebody in a hood.
Hoodie.
We saw, everybody's just on fucking watch.
Love it.
They're fucking awesome.
And they're just like, we're ready to, like,
they're like Marine style, kill, kill, kill.
Like we don't, we don't fucking around.
It's like, nice.
Nice to be here.
Thank you for welcoming me.
Yeah.
Oh, gosh.
So what is your rant?
Do you have a rant today?
You know what?
I do have a rant.
Thank you for like circling around
because I'm like, oh, we're running low on time.
Yeah.
On rant.
Okay.
So yesterday I went to Kia on the way home.
So I placed an order with Sam's Club
because I refused to go into Sam's Club on the weekend.
So I placed an order online or on my app.
And I'm like, I will pick it up on the way back from Pomona.
Why did I order 80, 20 grass-fed breed?
God, I can't even fucking talk.
80, 20 grass-fed ground sirloin.
Why?
I have never ordered that in my life.
I could have sworn I fucking did 93, 7.
I fucking hate 80, 20.
That's the best.
Yeah, you know, because you got to drain the fat.
It's all that pink goo.
Yeah.
You got to drain the fat and all that bullshit with 93, 7.
You ain't got to do that shit.
So that and then like, so I'm just like,
when they put that in my fucking car and then like,
I took it out and I'm just like, what the fuck?
And I'm like, oh, I'm going to finally get to complain about them
because they always get my shit right.
But then I did the math and I'm like, if I,
like when they scan that shit to put it in your fucking order,
like they, the UPC simple has to fucking match.
So I'm just like, I need to look at my order
because I bet it says 80, 20, but if it's not,
I'm going to fucking complain.
And what do you know?
I fucking, I've got damn that fucking shit.
Like who eats 80, 20 fucking ground beef?
Well, I guess I do because I fucking put it in my goddamn fucking
order.
So that's all, that's my rant.
I have a couple of other rants, but that's my main one
is I don't know how to fucking read.
Oh, my other rant is why is iPhones font so goddamn small?
Fuck, you know what?
I am not a fan of iPhone.
Wait a second.
You can expand it.
Well, yes.
But when it comes to your web browser,
you cannot expand the font on your month.
You can't even, you can't even like, oh, well,
you're on the desktop version.
You got to go to the mobile version of the fucking that
that's true.
Well, I don't know.
Oh, I guess I, you know what?
I was talking to my boy yesterday.
He's like, I'm so glad my boy, my buddy Blaine,
he's a photographer that I've been working with.
He's like, I'm so glad.
Now you can set up your iCloud account.
And then I can share the album that I made for you.
And I don't have to email you all the time.
You can just access it freely.
Why can't I fucking like find my fucking Apple email?
And he's like, yeah, all you need to do,
he's like, why don't you go to YouTube and like a YouTube,
like how do you use your iPhone?
I'm like, no bitch, I ain't going to fucking do that shit.
Oh, that, you know, that's crazy because I, I've been,
I didn't want iPhone, but I just kind of fell into it
because where I worked 10 years ago, maybe 10 plus years,
my company kept giving me an iPhone, an iPhone, an iPhone.
And I kept fucking upgrading, upgrading.
It's an iPhone fucking 10, it's 11, it's a fucking 12.
Like I, so I'm just like, I'm cool with just fucking emails
and pages, but you know, that doesn't exist.
So, now that I started my new job,
they give me this fucking Android.
And people are trying to call me.
Oh God bless them.
I fucking love Android.
Like I was talking when I, go ahead, I'm sorry,
I keep interrupting.
I'm just like, what the fuck?
So it's kind of like Kris Kross.
Like you're either an iPhone person
or you're a fucking Android.
No, you know what?
Yeah, so fucking Blaine's like,
Em, are you going to fucking get like the, the, the iMac
and all that in the iPads?
I'm like, no bitch, I'm staying,
I got a Samsung tablet and I will be HP or Dell
from my goddamn laptop, like fuck Apple.
I, well, I'm like, fuck Android.
And it's like, this is like a, this is like a West Coast
connection, fucking Cyprus, heel fucking battle.
Because I'm just like, what the fuck?
I'm trying my phone rings at work and it's like huge.
I don't know.
So you got, you have the Samsung,
you probably have the Samsung 23 Ultra.
Fuck and I don't fucking know.
And I'm just like, what the fuck?
And I'm, somebody's calling me and I hear it ringing.
I see it.
Then I try to push the little green like answer.
And it never answers.
I'm like, what the fuck am I doing wrong?
How do you fucking answer a phone call on the Android?
And then my, my boss says, oh, you hit swipe it up.
Yeah.
And you swipe it down.
I'm like, what the fuck is this?
But you know what the swiping functions on iPhone suck.
And then like, if you're trying to read,
God, I can rant all fucking day about the IBM iPhone.
I'm just going to rant about, we could both rant,
but my rant was actually going to be about fucking little
black ants that are in my motherfucking house.
But, well, summertime, we'll save that for another day.
Fuck these little motherfuckers.
Like I don't understand what the fuck are you doing?
They're looking for water, bitch.
I don't fucking, like, I just vacuumed the house.
Did like, and I have, my carpet is like a little bit,
it's not, it's, it's plush, I guess you could say.
It's nice, nice carpet.
And I pick up my TV remote, I'm on my couch
and I start feeling these little things like crawling on me.
I'm just like, and I don't understand what it is.
But, and then I look and I'm like,
why is there fucking black ants on my motherfucking remote?
In my fucking, like there's no food here.
There's no water.
There's no nothing.
They just invaded.
I'm like, you motherfuckers.
So that was my rant, but okay.
Yeah.
So what about a rave?
I'm one week closer to coming up to Portland
and hopefully it's not going to be 100 fucking degrees
when I get up there.
I think we get the, it gets to like 90, 98
and everybody acts like it's just,
we start having these little cool down.
Oh, you could go to the library if you need to cool down
because fucking nobody here in fucking Oregon
has fucking ACs.
And I thought that was weird.
I guess coming from California, I'm like, what the fuck?
Do you have a, do you have a, a fuck?
Yeah, I do.
I fucking bought an HVAC, I'm like, uh-uh.
I don't give a fuck if it's cold 90% of the time,
but when it's hot, I'm going to be comfortable.
Right.
Well, good.
I'm glad.
So I went to USPS this week
and I picked up one of those flat rate shipping boxes.
So I'm going to, it's not that big because it's flat rate,
but I'm going to throw everything I can in there
and fucking ship it to you.
Like, I guess the week before,
just so I don't have to carry that fucking shit.
Right.
All right.
It's all good.
I got you.
Thank you.
Oh, you're not working the set.
You tell me you need that Saturday off when I show up.
I did.
And you know what?
As a matter of fact, I'm like,
oh, I was looking at my stupid fucking schedule
and I'm just learning.
I'm on this job.
I'm, how do you fucking look at your schedule?
They said, you need to look on Thursdays
because it posts on Wednesdays and blah, blah, blah.
So I figured out and I look like a way to second.
There's a lot of shit that doesn't look right.
And I didn't, they had me working six days,
a fucking week, one day.
I only get Sunday.
Like, I don't fucking know.
I said, this is that, that can't be.
Be right.
Something is wrong.
And see, that's the position that I was hired to do
is the fucking schedules.
Oh, so did you fix your schedule?
Like, I'm on Saturday.
They haven't allowed me yet.
It was my first week.
So I'm like, oh, I'm the fucker.
Did you clear the Saturday though?
Oh, no, I don't know yet.
They said I had to wait until next week,
this coming up week, Wednesday,
when my little mentor who shows me
how to fucking fix things and do things.
Oh, you're gonna fix that shit
cause Saturday is on, bitch.
I was like, no, you guys can't.
Can't do this to me.
But you figured out the karaoke mic
so we can karaoke, right?
Oh, fuck yeah.
Yeah.
I was singing.
And we gon' fucking do that shit.
I was like, R-I-P.
I was trying to find a song
because I know a lot of songs.
I sing to them in the car or whatever,
but when it comes to karaoke, I'm just like, the fuck.
Like, how do I not, how did I not know?
I thought it was roses in the park.
Not groups is in the heart.
Like, I just...
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Bitch, what the fuck?
I know.
Yeah, it's grooves in the heart, bitch.
Yeah, and I was like, I was always singing roses in the park.
Like, what the fuck?
I'm fucking too drunk.
Like, I don't fucking know.
So you're gonna have to show me when I get up there then,
how, cause I don't have the mic.
We have the mic at work,
cause I got the mic for work,
but I'm like, I guess I'll get a mic for the house.
I didn't realize you could like sync it up
with YouTube and shit.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Cause I'm just YouTubing,
karaoke, like just the words to go on my TV.
And then with iPhones, thank you, iPhone,
you just push and it just goes streaming to my TV.
And I have...
You need to show me that shit
because it's on for my house then when I come back.
Yeah.
And I was just like, what the fuck?
Grooves in the heart.
That's fucking crazy.
Roses in the park.
I love roses.
Roses in the park, in the back of the bus.
I didn't fucking know.
Like, bitch, what?
Fuck.
Yeah.
There's plenty of songs that I was like, oh fuck.
Man, come on bullets.
You're a fucking dipshit.
Like what the fuck have you been saying this whole time?
And this is like years and years and years
of fucking bullshit.
Like, wow.
Okay.
Huh.
Well, it sounded good.
Thank you, YouTube.
Yeah.
I was like, thank you, YouTube.
And thank you for everybody who takes the effort
to actually fucking listen to the lyrics and type them down
and let me read them because wow.
Okay.
I don't even want to go.
Shit.
I'll have to tell you the other songs.
I was like, what?
What are you?
Oh my gosh.
I can't believe I was fucking saying this shit.
Well, we can do the cure for sure
because that's what we fucking do.
And then we got to get one of our phones to record us
like video wise just so I can fucking send it to my brother.
We're like, those two bitches are drunk.
I'm like, yeah, but we do karaoke sober too unlike you.
Yeah.
Exactly.
And you know, it's all about, yeah, having fun.
Like, fuck it.
I don't know.
I remember my mother.
She was the life of the fuck up
and just live their fucking life and stop being a crude.
Yeah.
Fuck yeah.
Like we're fucking life's too short.
And the older we get, the more that this is like
weighing on my shoulders.
You know, I am gonna say my mom, my mom, oh fuck.
I have to say this.
This is so fucking funny.
So she, okay, Target.
The brand, Target.
You know, it's a Target.
It's a circle and a dot.
It's a fucking Target.
You could, you know.
Oh, I thought you meant the store.
Yeah, the store.
Yeah.
Okay, Target.
Their logo is like a circle and a dot.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, Target, hello.
Yeah, hello.
My mom saw, I never even knew that.
I'm like, oh my God.
The fuck is wrong with you?
And I always tell my dad, well, you picked her.
Like I didn't have no choice.
I didn't have no fucking choice.
And that matter.
You fucking picked her.
You fucking, you didn't know Target was a Target?
Like Target?
That would be something my mom would say as well.
Like, okay, I don't, so, solchen for anybody.
There are large corporations under
stand free from these big profit Leaving PS,
Goodbye.
Adios.