What's your name bitch?
Pomona bullets.
And I think I'm broke with this at least.
Yeah, why not?
This is Top Shelf High Jinks and we about to be stupid.
Yeah, yeah.
Good day, bitch.
How it do.
It is weird here in SoCal.
It was 102 on Monday and then it cooled off a little bit.
And by it cooled off, I meant on Tuesday was 10 fucking one.
What?
Wednesday was 95.
Thursday was like, I want to say 85.
Friday rolls around in straight fucking rain, 76 degrees.
And there was mosquitoes everywhere at the fucking park.
I have like 12 bugs.
I have 12 mosquito bites on my fucking legs
because I was walking the fucking dog.
Is it like human Florida?
Yes, it's fucking Florida, bitch.
Yuck.
Yeah.
So whatever, it's overcast today.
At least it's not 100 degrees, but the mosquitoes are out and about
and they're mingling on my fucking legs.
Yeah, fuck.
Don't forget your SPF shit because even though the clouds might
be hiding that hot sun.
Still can burn.
Oh, thanks, Dr. Bullets.
You're welcome.
I don't know.
Dr. Phil said that.
Just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I haven't fucking watched Dr. Phil.
Happy Sunday, bitch.
Happy Motherfucking Sunday, my one fucking day off.
And then I'm back.
Well, you get three days off next week, which is good.
You do a Thursday off and then the weekend.
And it's just like that one fucking Friday.
Please, can I just have four days off?
It's like you get a day off, then you go to work and you get two days off.
It's just ridiculous, but I'll take it.
Do what you can.
Just suck it up till you find a new job.
Yeah, I'll just suck it up till I find a sugar daddy.
There you go.
Shit.
All right, I just took my first sip of Don Julio 70.
And I also have Bombay Sapphire because I'm trying to get rid of it
with the sparkling ice, whatever flavor.
I wish I was there.
That bottle would have been gone.
I haven't had that.
I haven't had the luxury to get.
Well, I could, I guess.
But yeah, I'm just doing some screwdrivers today.
Oh, nice.
Nice, nice, nice.
And some little tropical canna. OK.
And what's up with the rusty tin can situation?
The rusty tin can.
I don't want to get no fucking TV or staff infection from that.
No shit.
I got my tetanus shot and.
Tetanus shot. Yeah.
Whatever the fuck it's called.
It's still gently.
It's still rolling down the curb.
So that's great.
Or the street, the street, not the curb.
So it's not completely gone?
Um, well, pretty much I'm still kicking it.
So.
OK, well, that's good. Yeah.
Yeah. All right.
So you have topics for today.
I have one topic as well, but you can go ahead and get started.
Well, so this is a thing.
I kind of went down a little bit of a rabbit hole.
And reason being I had a co-worker.
Well, I have a bunch of co-workers and they think I'm HR
and they just try to be my friend.
They think I'm just going to magically correct
their time cards or whatnot.
And that's really not the case.
But I like to let them think that I could do that for them.
OK. And so they try to just talk to me.
How was your weekend?
How was your day?
How about TGIF and all this crap?
And they're just fake.
They're fake and it's good.
I don't care. It's it's a game.
And I like to play it.
And I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll play it.
Well, yeah, I play a little bitch.
And so this one gal, she comes up to me and younger, of course.
I would say maybe.
Early 20s or whatnot.
And she's she brings up the most random,
random fucking question and conversation.
And it's just you and her.
Yeah, she just because nobody's allowed in my office.
And so I had this little line where it's like, hey, step behind the line.
You know, you can't come in.
I'm a confidential employee.
I know all your guys is dirt.
I know skeletons hanging in your closet.
I give them names.
So it's all good.
Like you can't you can't be in my office, but you can talk to me
because my office is like I said, it's like a prison cell.
It's all cement and just gross.
And sometimes it gets a little hot in there.
So I have to fucking keep the door open because I need some fucking air.
And OK, so she comes up to me and she's like, oh, how is your weekend?
Blah, blah, blah.
And I I try to be nice, but I cut I cut people off just like, oh, you know,
they I hope you have.
I'm sorry I'm busy right now.
But is there anything else I can help you with?
OK, well, bye.
And whatever open door policy doesn't mean come fucking talk to me.
And so she tells me.
Question.
If you were to have a horrible death,
would you rather drown or be burned?
And I was like, what the fuck is this?
I was like, I'm sorry, I'm busy.
I'm you know, you can ask your your co-workers or your friends and family that question.
And so I go to the customer's bed on the sales floor.
What the fuck are you talking about?
You stupid fucking bitch.
But she planted the seed and I was like, well, I would fucking rather drown.
I don't want to be easy.
No, that would be more serene to me.
I'm like, fuck it. Let me just give into this.
And I'm going to inhale the water and out peacefully.
Exactly. You just.
I mean, I'm not a fucking witch.
That's not the feeling of witchcraft.
And you. So where did I live off?
Yeah, fuck that bitch.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Why are you going to ask some fucking random question like that?
Yeah, really weird.
Sounds like a millennial question.
I don't know. Anyhow.
So what did you tell her?
Well, I didn't answer her.
I was like, oh, OK.
No, I was like, I'm sorry, you can go and ask your
friends and family that.
But I have work to do.
You know, we don't talk like this on company time.
Oh, you're such a mega Karen.
Excuse me. I know.
I have to be.
And it's kind of fun pretending to be a Karen
because that's not my personality at all.
But I could totally pretend to be one like.
I like it.
Hate is going to hate, you know, just hate me.
You're you know what?
So now you're actually not serving cunt.
You know how I told you serving cunt is the new, I guess,
the new slang for we're fucking cool.
Yeah. Now you're just a fucking cunt.
Yeah. You know what?
I I I need a badge like seriously, that's it's all good.
I'll take it.
So good all day long.
All day long.
So yeah, I just kind of just like shish, off now.
Go go tend to your duties.
And then did she leave you alone after that?
Or is she dead with another question?
Now she she left me alone.
I closed my door, but she planted that seed.
And like like an idiot because I'm not a fucking Karen.
I am a cunt, but I'm just like, you know, I just started thinking,
like, you know, that is an interesting question.
But maybe awful company time.
Right. But I did think and I was like, oh, you know, I rather I would rather
drown, I would rather.
I would rather drown, too.
Like I said, it would be more peaceful and serene and you're just able
to surrender as opposed to being fucking tortured by fucking fire.
Yeah, you're going to.
Fuck and share your fucking skin sizzling and shit.
Like, no, I don't want to die in a fire.
I mean, if I die in a fire, I hope to be suffocated by the smoke before the flames.
Like, just take me out.
Oh, you even took it.
OK. Yeah. You know what?
I like you. You're real fucking smart.
I don't even think about the fucking smoke.
That's like when I used to work in Irvine, this fucking he was H.R.
And he was sick in the head like me.
So he was like, Medusa, if you if you had it, if it was a life or death
situation and you had to only save one person, would it be your dog or your daughter?
And I'm like, it would be my daughter.
He's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
And I'm like, if I say my daughter, she can say my fucking dog.
If I say my dog, my dog cannot say my fucking daughter, you dumb fuck.
Come on, dude. Come and sit.
Clearly he has no pets and he has no fucking kids.
So I'm like, you're a dumb fucking cunt.
I can't believe you would let your dog die.
And I'm like, you're not getting the fucking point.
I would save my daughter and my daughter would save the fucking dog.
Girl, I could eat either one.
Oh, shit.
Fuck, I know.
And it's just like, is this like a new thing?
People are asking these like or millennials asking these fucking questions to us.
What do we know?
The Gen Xers.
Yeah, because I thought we were baby boomers.
We're not. Thank God.
So I mean, I don't I don't know if they're getting a kick out of it.
I don't know if this is an icebreaker type of question.
I don't fucking know.
This is not communication to me.
When I meet somebody, I shake their hand.
I'm like, my name is a lot of bullets.
Like I don't even like shaking hands anymore because, you know what?
I saw a fucking meme like when I was working at Long Beach and it's so fucking true.
They're like, when you shake somebody's hand, 90, what did it say?
It said something like 95 percent of that
or 90 for 95 percent of the people you shake hands with
has either had their dick in their hand or somebody else's dick in their hand
and they haven't washed their hands.
And I'm like, bitch, what the fuck?
I don't want to shake no more hands.
And this is before covid in the lockdown.
Right. So fucking accurate.
And there's the whole thing like you gave me a what is it?
A cold fish, a dead fish or like a handshake?
You're just like a little dainty hand.
Like just just don't touch me.
Let's just we got this bump if you want.
I don't I don't fucking know.
I don't even know if that's appropriate, but you know, what was it?
Are you doing elbows?
You know, elbow bumps, long beach.
He used to do the elbow thing and I'm like, that's what I should start doing
or just not doing that at all. Yeah.
Just how about just, hey, what's up?
How about how about just the chin check type?
Like a throat punch?
No. And then you just throw a throat punch.
OK, so let me give you a word of advice when it comes to people in your office
because I had to deal with that all the time, too.
When I was in Long Beach, when I would work in the lower level,
I was sitting next to the coffee machine.
So my supervisor, he worked.
He didn't work in the lower level.
So I was in the basement.
He was up whatever floor, I think was the 12th floor.
Anyways, I'm like, this is what I do now because I figured it out.
I'm like, when people would fucking like just get their fucking mouth off.
I didn't want it. I didn't want to talk to them.
I would get up out of my seat and they would have so they're facing me, right?
So I would get I would get up out of my seat and act like I'm walking to the door
because I need to fucking leave.
So they're so they would they're walking backwards as I'm walking in their face, right?
Yeah. And then and then they would forget what they're fucking talking about
because they're thinking I'm leaving and then they just fucking leave.
So I'm like, I nailed that down real fucking quick.
But I do the whole spiel the same way.
What I do is I grab my keys and I can go.
I didn't even do that.
I grab my keys and I get up, I grab my keys and I go, oh, shit.
And I and I push my computer, but I'm not doing shit.
Yeah, and I grab my keys and I go, oh, OK, I'm sorry.
And I just boof. And I and I just and they get up and leave.
Yeah, and they leave. And then when they leave, I don't even leave.
I just fucking reverse.
Right back. Yeah.
So all right, you got that down.
Yeah, I'm just like, you know, I I'm a I hate people.
So I can I can.
That's why I fucking love you. I hate people too.
I'm just like, just get the fuck on.
And so. But the bitch, honestly.
I'm going to call her a bitch because I don't even really know her name.
So yeah, I don't know.
Bitch, it is. Bitch, it is.
And but she did plant the little seed and then I actually came home from work
and I was thinking to myself, well,
how many near death experiences have I had?
And and it all stemmed and I was just going down this little rabbit hole.
And I'm like, oh, shit.
OK, so I'm just going to ask you a question.
OK, have you ever choked on food where you needed like, yes.
And I have the best story.
OK, please, please tell.
I was in great grade.
I call it grade school.
I guess it's elementary.
So I had one of those pepper, those round peppermint candies in my mouth.
Oh, yeah, I'm sucking on it.
And I decided I'm like, oh, I'm thirsty because I'm a fucking stupid idiot.
So I started drinking Coca-Cola from the from the actual bottle, right?
Like, yeah. So when I'm drinking it, I start fucking choking.
And I fucking make it to my dad.
I'm motion to my dad. I'm like, dad, I'm fucking choking.
He's like, open your mouth.
And he looks, he's like, I don't think nothing here. Throw it. You're fine.
I'm like, fuck.
Just go down the track.
Yeah, I was not going to fucking save me for shit.
I don't know. I guess it finally went down or maybe I guess I swallowed.
You like your throat's fine.
I'm such an asshole.
What happened? Did it just go down?
I guess I did. I didn't spit it up.
I don't know.
They don't call me deep throat, Medusa for nothing.
I fucking told him and was just like, that's something Papa would totally fucking do.
Like, you're fine. Stop it. Stop crying.
Yeah. That's what my dad would tell me. Stop crying.
Yeah. That's my dad.
And the funny stuff is like I was thinking back and like, OK, my first
what I felt was my near death experience was when I was a kid as well.
I was eating a motherfucking apricot.
Oh, no, not apricot.
It was a peach because I had a bigger pit and. Oh, no.
Yes.
I think I was like, I don't know, six or seven.
And I was a scrawny, skinny, little islander kid.
And you still are, by the way.
Well, thank you.
I thought I had tiny wrists, girl.
Your wrists are toothpicks. I'm like, shit.
Yeah. But I look like a must motherfucking Mrs.
Potato Head, like my whole like core is just fucking fat.
And it's like toothpicks sticking out.
I'm in tears over here.
I'm going to do more squats.
I'll tell you that and sit ups.
But anyways, so I put this fucking apricot pit in my mouth
and I'm trying to get all the little fibers of the fruit off.
And I'm just, you know, and I'm a stupid dumb ass kid.
And it gets lodged in my throat.
And of course, I don't go running with the universal
sign of two hands on my throat like I'm choking because my dad
would probably kick me in the ass and say, I'm OK.
And I didn't want to get in trouble.
And I was trying to get it up.
It wouldn't come up.
I was trying to get it like swallow it.
And oh, shit.
It was just lodged and I couldn't breathe.
And I was like, oh, so I just.
It just went down my trachea.
I just went down.
It felt like it was lodged in my fucking chest for a while.
And I was like, well, it was.
That's a fucking big pain.
I know. And for a little fucking Islander girl, yeah, it was.
I was like, oh, shit.
And I was like, well, I don't know how it's going to come out.
But then it is whatever.
At least I'm not going to be in trouble.
And it hurt.
Like it.
Well, your dad would have fibbed you.
My dad was just like, suck it up.
Yeah. My dad would have been like, wow, you're still alive.
And then I.
So yeah, that was the first.
And I really.
I was turning blue.
I remember running to my little vanity and looking at myself in the mirror.
And I was like, I'm I'm I'm dying.
I'm going to be dead.
And I was just going to lay in my bed and just just be dead.
Like this, I just wanted them to find me like fucking snow white, you know,
just, you know, she ate the apple and poison apple.
I just I don't know.
I was just it was it was very terrifying.
That was terrifying first near death experience.
And then I almost drowned and then I jumped off a roof.
Oh, my God.
You jumped off a fucking roof.
Yeah, and to a pool.
And to a pool, I hope.
No, no, no, no.
I was a kid.
I know what the fuck, bitch.
OK, so us growing up, remember, we used to have the rich people or the
the higher class would have those big ass fucking satellites in their backyard
and whatever. Oh, yeah. OK.
But for me, we just had this fucking antenna on top of the roof.
And OK, sometimes you have to torque it, tweak it, whatever.
I don't torque it.
Tweak it.
And so my dad had a ladder and he was he went on the roof and he fixed the.
And and Tana. OK, the antenna.
He left the fucking ladder just to the roof.
So my sister and I were like, hey, you know, it's going to be fun.
Let's jump off the roof, but let's have something that's going to be fun.
So my sister says, I'm going to take an umbrella
because I'm going to be Mary Poppins.
And I was like, Jesus fucking Christ, what?
What sister? Yeah.
Yeah, fuck.
And I was like, OK, and that was her idea because I never wanted to go in the fucking roof.
But I was like, oh, yeah, let's just do this.
And I was like, you know what?
My idea is going to be so I back then they didn't really have plastic bags,
but we had a couple. OK.
And so I and my stupid.
Childlike mind thought if I put my arms
in each little handle of the bag,
I thought it was going to be like some fucking parachute.
I used to play with those and throw them up and then they would go down
and they have a little plastic parachute.
And I just thought like, I'm going to fucking have a parachute.
So I was. Oh, my goodness.
Yeah. So my sister goes first and she jumps.
And it's a single story, whatever.
We're jumping straight to cement, which is fine, I guess.
I don't know. My sister goes first.
Her umbrella goes inside out.
I mean, of course it doesn't.
And she just falls and rolls, but she gets up.
She's like, I'm good.
I was like, but she didn't fly like Mary Poppins.
Like, I don't fucking understand.
And I have my stupid plastic bag on that.
I'm thinking it's going to be like a parachute.
I jump off and yeah, the fucking bag just flew over my head.
And I just fell onto the brick planter and I broke my arm.
Yeah.
I was.
You didn't fall on grass.
No, I fell.
We were jumping onto brick.
We were jumping onto a cement patio and we had a little break.
Oh, my fucking God.
Yeah. And I was like, like her umbrella at least broke her fall a little bit.
My fucking parachute.
I don't know.
And my dad's like, you dumb shit, you dumb fuck.
And I was like, OK, so I broke my arm.
I was like, OK, but I thought I was dying.
I thought I was dying.
I will consider that a near death experience.
That was my second one, maybe I got caught in the undertow once.
Oh, that happened to my daughter when I tried to teach her how to.
It wasn't even surf like body surfing.
Yes. Oh, my God.
I took her way too far out.
It's the equivalent.
This story is the equivalent of my dad telling me I'm not fucking choking.
My phone is fucking fine.
So I take her all the way out.
We're a boat.
No, I think we're at Seal Beach.
We're a seal.
Yeah. Yeah.
We were there and I took her out and I'm like, hey, you're just going to you're
going to ride the wave in.
It's just a whitewash wave.
Well, the undertow and she's fucking like by the time.
And I'm like, I'll meet you at shore.
So I swam back and she fucking she comes back.
The monobots is crying.
She's like, I almost fucking died.
She's like, you're just in the fucking sand.
He was so freaked out.
I'm like, OK, I'm sorry.
I should have did that.
I don't know.
I got caught under toe to my dad.
My dad used to tell me because we're Islander.
He's like, hey, like this is like, like this is like, you should know this shit.
And if you get caught and if you can't come back up, he's all swim at an angle.
Don't go against it.
And so I was I got caught and I was like, holy shit, I'm trying to boogie board.
I wasn't even that far out.
And I started swimming at an angle.
I think it felt like I walked when I got to shore.
I lost my boogie board and I finally made it to shore.
And I don't even know.
It's like we were at lifeguard number fucking 17.
I'm like a lifeguard number eight tower.
And I'm like, I don't see my family.
They obviously don't give a fuck that I'm missing.
I fucking walk back to the lifeguard tower because I remembered
we're like our tower number 17.
We're near that one, at least.
And I think it was Seal Beach.
I thought I was there as well.
And I'm like, I my dad's like, well, what happened?
I was like, well, you told me to fucking swim at an angle.
I guess I swam at a fucking angle that just took me like three fucking miles from you.
I don't fucking know.
It felt like it.
I fucking walked back and I'm just like, my dad's like, well, I'm glad you made it.
That's a baby boomer fucking.
You're glad I made it.
And you know what?
And that's not kudos to even my mother, even worse.
I didn't even know how to swim.
And we went to the fuck.
They put you in the fucking ocean with a boogie board and you didn't know how to fucking swim.
No, no, I was just supposed to ride the little wave and then I just got out of the water.
I was like, I'm not going to swim.
I was just supposed to ride the little waves and then I just got caught.
You got nine lives and I think you're on your ninth one.
So you need to fucking chill.
I know. That's why I'm like fucking boring now.
I'm just like fucking rocking in a rocking chair and knitting.
Like, I don't fucking know.
I'm going to like I'm going to put puzzles together on my fucking kitchen table.
Like, please don't.
My mom did that.
She's trying to frame them all and I just want to burn them down.
Yeah. And it's like, what the fuck?
You just put like, it's done.
And then what do you do?
Just break it up or or please.
I'm thinking I'm going towards that.
Like, I'm going to get the little puzzle glue.
What am I going to do?
Frame them, give them for fucking gifts to people.
Like, look, I did a fucking puzzle.
Now, nobody wants that shit.
Like, I don't even fucking know.
I have no words.
I totally agree.
My mom framed hers.
Don't fuck puzzles.
I. Yeah.
Yeah.
That's all I'm going to say.
Yeah. I don't know.
That's when you know you're really getting old and like.
Oh, gosh, that was 20 years ago.
Oh, well, she was old then, but you know what I mean.
I was just thinking of all I was like, damn, dude,
I fucking really had near death experiences.
Quite a bit.
I remember when my mom was cheating on my dad
and she used to go to her sister's house
who had an apartment with one of those community pools
with like the, you know, in the apartments and.
And so yeah.
And it's all like the little like jail bars go all the way around.
And you have to have a key, whatever.
And I was playing in the pool with my sisters and stuff.
And I remember this guy was like, touch you and my mom.
And she was in the hot tub.
And I was like, excuse you, like don't touch my mom.
Like, don't touch her.
He was like massaging her neck or some shit like that.
I don't know.
But my parents were still together at the time.
So shit, I must have been like seven.
OK.
And I was like, don't touch my mom.
And he picked me up and he threw me in the deep end.
OK, guess what?
I can't go in the deep end.
Oh, hell no.
Yeah, exactly.
And my mom's over there with her sisters and they're just like,
what are her with their little wine coolers and shit?
You got to be fucking kidding me.
No, what? This is and I hope my mom's never going to listen to this podcast.
But if she ever did, I hope she takes this, you know, when she goes to meet
the master or whatever the fuck happened when you die.
She needs this.
I hope it replays in her fucking head.
So he throws me in the deep end.
And he's like, get out of here, you little rat.
And he throws me in the deep end.
And my sister and do the dog.
Hello. Hello. I did.
Oh, it went dead. OK, I'm like, hello.
Oh, good.
So come on, let's do the doggy paddle.
OK, I made it to the side and I go to my mom and I say, mom,
I almost drowned.
And she's, if you were to almost drown, you would be dead.
I was like, what the fuck?
Yeah, and I was like, OK, Miss Littlefucking.
What were those little fucking little drinks that they had or little or whatever?
And I was like, OK, so I go home to my dad and like, dad, guess what happened?
And I'm going to tell you everything.
And my dad's like, OK, I'm going to the next barbecue there.
You show me who did it.
I sure will.
There he goes. Yeah.
It was it was great.
That's why I love my god.
I cannot believe your fucking mom. I know.
Fucking crazy.
I mean, you can let alcohol take control, but please.
Please drink responsibly.
Too bad it didn't fucking take her like since she accidentally drowned
in the fucking pool from taking a nap.
I know, fucking crazy woman.
OK, I guess this is going down right now.
We don't want to go dark.
So what's that with you?
OK, so I was conversating with remember.
Oh, did I tell you remember I told you last week?
I think I told you last last episode that
if you go on the Nike website now, there's fat people modeling all the fuck out.
Active wear.
Did I also tell you about Calvin Klein doing the same shit?
Shut the front door. No.
Yeah, I saw it on my Twitter feed.
So Twitter feed has like they said like in the night, you know, remember when
Markie Mark and I want to say was Brooke Shields when they said nothing
comes between me and my Kelvin's. Yes.
Remember that? And then they were all fit and whatever.
Cool. Now, Calvin Klein supposedly also has the fat people.
So my thing is this and I'm like, ew, whatever.
I don't want to see that.
A and B. I'm like, can you imagine if the kids if there was a military draft,
not an NFL draft or an NBA draft, can you imagine if there was a military draft
today, nobody like under the, I guess the 18 year olds or the, I guess,
whatever the, the younger generation, I guess the millennials,
none of them would be fit enough to fucking fight or do our military.
Right. And then they go like, oh, my back hurts.
Yeah. You hurt my feelings.
Yeah. I mean, told me to do 20 push ups.
Well, bitch, you should be able to do 20 push ups regardless.
Yeah. You signed up to be a killer, like seriously.
And they'll be like, no, you drafted me and I'm just here because you made me.
Fuck that.
I have a lot to say about that, but I won't.
And it's fucking sad.
It is sad. And you know what, like to dovetail off of that,
my, my father being in the the law enforcement and everything in his career.
He it started then because he started like, hey, you know,
these guys can't run after the crook.
They can't jump a fence.
They can't they're just like, well, like, you know,
and you mean like the fellow officer?
Yeah. Oh, OK.
And it was his his whole patrol, his whole everything.
And he's like, hey, we're going to we're going to come to work at five a.m.
We're going to run three miles.
We're going to and they couldn't.
They couldn't jump over a fence.
They couldn't they can't do shit.
So what the fuck? Like, what kind of cop do you want?
Some big the wall?
Well, that's well, that's what it goes for.
You just shoot the people.
Oh, yeah. I might as well.
Well, just just shoot.
Why run when I can shoot?
Yeah. And then they're giving the cops like bean bags and shit.
Like, oh, you can't shoot people. No, no, no.
I don't know.
It's just it's just horrible.
And then like the military. OK.
Yeah. And I kind of get it.
We what I guess like the Marines are supposed or whatever the America is supposed
to be like the police of the world, the the the military.
OK, well, no, not no more.
We're little softies and nobody.
Straight or Edgers.
Yeah, we're all Edgers.
No, Cholo, whatsoever.
Straight Edgers.
I really think that we should just let all the lifers just say give them a fucking
uniform and let them kill like you killed before.
And like, how about kill the whoever we're fighting at this point in time?
I don't fucking know. But so stupid.
You know what? Now that you're talking about inmates,
I don't remember.
I was going to bring up something about the prisons and I really I should have
fucking wrote it down.
Oh, whatever. And I fucks.
I do the same thing.
And there's like and I had like another co-worker and he said be
correctional officer here in Oregon.
And he's a talker.
And now he works.
Were you with you?
Because he yeah, he retired 31 years.
Oh, but he's like a talker.
So there's another one.
And they're all talkers at work.
That's how it always is.
Gosh, and I'm just like, dude, it's it's nice.
But like, I really don't.
I don't really I don't know.
But anyways, he was telling me he's like, hey, if you ever watch the news
and they say that they have to release all these prisoners,
these are the release prisoners every day.
He's like, it's it could be up to two to 12 to 20 because it's their time is up.
And they release them.
He's like, but they do this little stunt.
Stunt where they call the news and they say, oh,
we had to release all these prisoners and it's and it's not really.
Like, oh, we had to release them because we don't have manpower.
It's just and they make them run and the news.
He said, did you see it on the news?
No, I don't watch the fucking news.
I do not watch the news.
Yeah, I don't watch the news either.
But let me ask you this.
So when the lockdown happened here,
they released inmates from jails down here because of the code.
I guess the quote unquote, the planned demic PLA and and ED.
E M I C is what I call it.
Not the pandemic.
It was fucking planned.
Yeah.
Anyways, they released the inmates stating or I guess what their their
intention was because the COVID was there was a spike of COVID and the jails.
And I'm like, well, maybe it'll fucking kill them.
Maybe just leave it alone.
I don't fucking tell you stop taking my tax dollars.
Because sometimes I just think maybe I should just go to jail.
I'll get three meals a day and I'll fucking, you know, I get electricity and I've
got to worry about kids and yeah, just fucking because fuck it.
I don't know.
But we should go to a lighter topic, I guess.
Okay, all these people yelling at us.
Right.
I have a lighter topic.
So I got my roots done yesterday, right?
Oh, and I'm talking to Matt is my my my hairstylist, I guess.
I don't know what we call him.
Anyways, we both love Britney Spears and I'm like, what is it with Britney Spears
and Jennifer Lopez and anybody with the short fucking hair?
They have the worst hair extensions ever.
They always have the worst extensions ever.
They always have the worst extensions.
I'm like, Matt, you need to hit these people up and DM them or slide into their
DMs and be like, look, I can do your fucking hair.
I can put in quality extensions and you won't look like fucking trash.
And he tells me that the reason why they they have shitty hair extensions and
the what obviously you can tell that their extensions and just fucking trash
is because they don't do their hair period.
And I'm like, OK, well, if you had a stylist, they should be doing your fucking hair.
I'm like, Rihanna never looks like that.
Like all black people, they always have their fucking hair done
and they have extensions and weaves and everything, but they have their shit
on point every fucking day.
Props to those fucking people.
Yes, Britney Spears and JLo.
You guys got to hang that shit up.
It's JLo really.
Oh, yeah, her hair is short.
And anytime she has a long fucking weave or whatever the fuck I'm like,
I don't want to see you with fucking bangs.
I don't want to see you with your fucking the hair that goes down to your butt
because your hair is not that fucking long.
Yeah, tell where it stops and starts.
It's fucking trash.
Oh, fuck.
That's I guess one of my rants.
Well, that's a lighter note, but it's a rant and it just gets on my nerves.
I'm like, how much money do you guys make?
And you guys just you put money into the wrong places, like get some quality fucking hair.
I was actually telling my hairstylist the other day
when I got my roots done, which I, again, do not like the what what she was doing.
I was just going to ask, is it growing on you?
No, it's not.
I'm going to say, hey, I didn't pay 500 fucking dollars for this shit.
Like I'm unhappy not doing it.
Um, no.
So, um, yeah, we're going to revamp this look.
And I was thinking of just going a little bit shorter
and then just doing some maybe extensions, but just, you know, just weave some.
Oh, I'll give you an intake on that.
Just remind me about extensions after when you're done.
I want to interrupt. So go ahead.
And she's like, yeah, it'll be about, you know, $1,200.
And I was like, if I cut my and I was like, well, I don't know that.
I don't know if I really want to do all that.
Like because she's like, well, if you're going to spend that much,
you're going to need all the products and you it's a big upkeep.
And this and that. And it's like, well, never mind.
OK, that. And so I've had extensions.
I didn't have like a whole lot or whatever.
I got like the different color ones or whatever.
And they were professionally put in.
So I had they weren't sewn in. I guess they were glued in.
I don't know how ever they attached or no, they attached it.
It wasn't it wasn't glued in.
Oh, so it was sewn.
Yeah, I guess so.
But here's the thing, it's great when it's at the top of where it's at the root.
But it's they said, oh, the last six months.
Well, that's cool until your hair starts growing.
And then it's like, you know how your hair gets long.
So you it gets all fucking knatted at the top because of the new growth.
And you can't fucking comb it down because that's fucking sewn halfway down.
So I'm just like, this is fucking dumb. Take this shit out.
I don't know how people fucking do this shit.
So I am I've had it done and I'm just like never again.
That's why I got a meme that said you ain't ugly.
You just poor bitch. Like I guess I'm poor.
I'm just poor. I can't.
I have a fucking mortgage to pay in a car note.
I don't fucking know.
I got a kid going to college. I guess I'm poor and I'm ugly.
Right. I can't fuck.
I can't do it. You ain't ugly bitch. You poor. Yeah. Mm hmm.
You're fucking. Yeah.
Put me on the top of the list of that one.
No, you're responsible. How about that?
Yeah. Yeah. Of course.
I will try to be.
OK, question.
So before we go into rants, I this morning I was just, you know what?
Regular potatoes, russet potatoes.
And you know how like they have the smaller ones that are not.
I call them bite sized potatoes, but they're like the little tiny ones
that you can like cook and cut them in half and you can like pop them in your mouth.
They're like bite sized. Yeah.
Why don't they have that for fucking yams?
Like why do yams have to be like so fucking huge wide?
And then when you try to cut through it and it's just a nightmare.
I'm like, can we have baby yams? That would be great.
Yeah, because we want Sonto.
Right. Fucking what the fuck.
Figure it out. We figure it out.
I would love to have bite sized yams and then I can throw them in the air fryer
and then just have the perfect amount for my meal.
I don't like to fucking have to cook.
Are you? Oh, it's just a fucking nightmare with the yams.
So I need bites.
The bite sized ones are like the the same size as the little tiny ones for potatoes.
That's and then they say you can cook them and always freeze them.
Then you forget you froze them and then.
Oh, that's my mom. That is my fucking mom.
Is this yours? No, bitch.
I have my own fucking fridge and freezer because you like to fucking stockpile
bullshit that you never fucking eat.
My mom has one. She has three fridges.
But now actually she got or she didn't get rid of one, but she.
She she took all her shit out.
And so now she has, oh, no, she has one fridge and like an extra freezer
and half of the shit that's in there like
I think was last month.
She pulls she pulls out this little personal size cheesecake and she's like a nook.
Is this yours? It's not mine or Marissa's.
And I'm like, bitch, that's fucking yours.
Your son gave that to you on Mother's Day.
Last month was July.
And I'm like, throw that shit out because she would have tried to freeze it
and just fucking throw that shit out.
That's my fucking mom.
You're a lot of freezer burn.
Jeez.
And then I was telling one of my co-workers we met up like I think it was last year.
I'm like, I'm like, Jeff, I'm like, I was looking for the frying pan to fry
some fucking eggs. I couldn't fucking find it.
Where is it?
And God damn fucking fridge because my mom cooked.
And she's in the fridge.
My mom cooked something and she put instead of putting it in a Tupperware.
Yeah, no Tupperware.
She has a fucking God damn cupboard full of Tupperware.
I have no Tupperware.
She she fucking uses like all her pots and pans are in the God damn fridge.
No, that's oh my God, my blood pressure is rising right now.
I know mine is like now.
But I do have to admit I do that because I like coffee every morning.
I do rice and I do put a lid and I just put that shit in the fridge.
Like after it doesn't take up your entire fucking fridge.
Right.
OK, that's what I thought.
Handle is just sticking out.
You can't close the door.
Exactly. So when I tell Jeff and his wife this, God bless the wife.
Medusa, is your mom Mexican?
I'm like, close enough.
She's Filipino.
She's like when I was growing up and where the fuck was she growing up?
Not LA. What's that fucking city called?
Was it summer Kelly?
LA, South LA.
She was like when I was growing up, all my Mexican friends, their moms did the same thing.
I'm like, God damn it.
I'm like, it drives me fucking nuts.
I'm like, what the shit in the gut?
And then and then my mom, she bought more Tupperware like two months ago.
And I'm like, why why should I buy more Tupperware?
She's like, because I don't have any.
I'm like, bitch, I point.
I'm just like, you know what?
I'm fucking done.
Like I just I have I'm having an outer body experience here at home.
And I just I'll be leaving soon.
That's all you need to know.
Oh, good. Come up to Oregon.
No, bitch.
You need to come back to LA.
Ah, I can't do the fucking spider season.
I can't do the two lane freeway or the two lane highway with tractors.
It's serenity.
Yeah.
When do you know when me and do you know we're walking to
to the the park or whatever?
You know, the riverfront.
Yeah. So like we pass over or we're walking over the overpass.
I guess I call it overpass, a little mini bridge where the river is.
And she's like, oh, yeah, auntie.
She's like, so last year on the snow day that my mom told me to walk to school,
you know, there was a snow day.
She's like this river overflowed and like the water was up here where I was walking.
I'm like, you know what? What the fuck?
I'm like, fuck your mom and this fucking state.
I'm like, what the over why?
I'm like, you guys, I'm like, what the fuck?
Yeah, we flooded.
But this is all good.
I'm like, Pomona bullets is just like like
Pomona bullets is a baby boomer.
You walk to school. I don't care.
I didn't hear about snow day.
Yeah, she can have some legit stories to tell her kids.
At least she's she's a very responsible child.
And so is your fucking son.
So yeah, I know, right?
I like your mom.
I don't know how I ended up with them.
And I'm like, no, you did.
You did the opposite of what your mom did.
Oh, I guess that's good that your mom fucking sucks.
Yeah, because obviously you turn that shit around real fucking quick.
I was like, not today.
Not on my watch.
I'm not going to jail for child endangerment.
You're not getting spanked.
You're getting disciplined. Learn the lingo.
Oh, that's all about.
Also, and on a brighter note,
I'm doing this thing that I know, June, it's going to fucking hate me.
But it's OK because I love her.
And when I die, I hope she just says, hey, I had a badass mom.
And so she's going to college.
She's moving into the dorms, right?
And she get early access.
She didn't get allowed.
Oh, well, but, you know, she's she's but her little
roommate's going to be there or whatever.
And so what I did because I'm stuck with her dog.
Oh, that's yeah.
Yeah, so I bought a life size cut out of her dog.
I fucking love it.
I'm going to put that when when does it come?
It's going to be here in a couple of days.
And I know I probably will be at work, but I'm just going to.
Are you going to hide it? Yes. Yes.
Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.
I'm going to hide it and I'm going to put her fucking life size dog
in her room and it's a cardboard cut out.
I love it.
Don't get about your dog.
You should have a also order a life size cut out cardboard of a snake
because your dog likes to bring fucking.
Oh, I should.
And it's pretty cool.
I got the proofs and I'm like, yes, yes, and yes.
And I was taking pictures of Jane, the dog.
Right. And I'm just like, look, and she looks like that little
Sarah McGloughlin dog like in the oh god.
She's always like so fucking sad.
She has the best life here.
Oh my god.
Um, but yeah, I'm going to put that shit in her fucking room.
She's going to hate me.
She's going to feel embarrassed, but I don't give a fuck.
Like.
Mama loves you.
So does Jay. Yeah.
Don't forget about us.
I should have put a fucking life size photo of myself.
She would fucking make that a her.
Draw on those little fucking mustaches.
I mean, yes. Yeah.
And the devil, the devil must act in the home.
Fuck man.
But you know, the funny thing is like my therapist said, oh,
guess what happens?
It's a cycle.
Somebody gets treated bad and then they want to be better.
And then they treat their kids like, oh, I grew up bad.
So I'm going to give you everything.
And then they.
So it was like a cycle.
So it was like up and down and up and down.
They know, I totally get it.
I totally understand what you're saying.
Yeah. And I was like, you know what?
So maybe I should just drink a little bit more.
So I do.
And I'm like, fuck it.
I don't know what you're having for dinner tonight.
Fuckers.
Like, um, fucking do it.
Like, shit, don't expect.
I hate the fact that my kids just was for dinner tonight.
I don't know what the fuck are you cooking?
They're old enough.
Yeah, I can see if there were five.
Yeah.
Speaking of kids, yesterday I was so fucking tired when I came home.
I fucking had my hair done.
When you get your hair done, obviously,
they give you the massage.
Oh, yes.
I'm so fucking tired.
And I went to bed late on Friday because of vanilla gorilla.
And then I get up early and then he massaged,
or I get my hair done, massage scalp.
And then I still have, I had a brow, eyebrow appointment,
like at four o'clock.
So like, and then she started massaging my face
when she was doing my brows.
And I'm just like, I was knocked out by 7.30 last night.
I'm like, I'm so fucking tired.
I don't give a fuck.
I was up by 2 a.m.
I hit the gym and I'm like, I'm ready to go.
But fuck, man.
Where was, oh, this is where I'm going with this.
So I get, so in between the eyebrow and hair appointment,
Fenway follows me around the house all the fucking time.
And she's so fucking needy, which is fine.
I fucking love her.
But yesterday I just fucking had it.
I'm like, I didn't realize Marissa or I didn't realize
Em was listening to me.
So I'm like, Fenway, I need a big favor from you right now.
I'm like, shut the fuck up and leave me alone.
And the Em just starts laughing.
I'm like, go lay down.
Stop following me.
I need to fuck.
I'm like, I just need, I need to be left alone.
I have 20 fucking minutes to get shit done.
And then I need to leave again.
Just leave your mother alone.
And she's like, come here Fenway, it's okay.
Fenway.
How old is Fenway, by the way?
She's fucking 12.
So now her face is all gray.
And she's got her, I know.
I love her 12, you know.
I remember when she was a pop.
I know.
Some guy was trying to buy her for $500
outside the Pomona fucking liquor store.
I'm like, no, sir.
Of course it's Pomona.
You're waiting for Pomona bullets to buy her fucking drink.
And then we are walking back to our house.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
So I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to cut you off.
You didn't cut me off.
We just, it's weird.
Because sometimes we cat throughout the week.
And sometimes we don't.
And our podcasts get a little crazy when we do it on the Sunday.
Because we haven't talked.
No, it's better because we haven't talked all week.
Yeah.
So here's my rant.
I went grocery shopping.
I went grocery shopping before obviously we got on the call.
So I'm checking out, or I'm getting ready to check out the grocery line.
So the guy in front of me, yeah, the guy, no, two,
there was not the guy in front of me, but the guy.
So two people in front of me.
He's, the guy is still fucking, the cashier is still like ringing up his fucking groceries.
And he's already punching in his card, which you can do,
but he keeps punching in.
He's like, sir, I'm not fucking done yet.
He didn't say fucking, but I'm not done yet.
Please stop.
I guess trying to punch your stuff in and we're not giving cash out.
This register doesn't allow cash to be, I guess, you know, if you use your ATAM card.
Yeah, this motherfucker is still fucking punching cars.
He's like, sir, sir, you need to stop.
And I'm like, I just want to go home.
I just want to like fucking.
I just bring up my fucking groceries, bitch.
I have three bags of salad kits and I just want to go home.
This motherfucker, I don't know.
At least it didn't jam.
He finally listened.
I don't know.
After the second time he fucking told him to stop punching the buttons on the ATM or whatever that fucking checkout thing is.
I fucking hate you.
So wait, are you so question, are you the one that if you have a full cart per se and somebody just,
you look behind you and they just have a couple of items, are you the one that?
Yeah, I tell them to go ahead of me.
Oh, I love you.
Yeah, that's because we're good hearted people.
Yeah, I was just like, why do you have to wait for my fucking 20 item checkout if you have one item just fucking go bitch.
Yeah.
You're one fucking.
That's my good deed for the day.
I mean, it's just common sense.
That's not even a good deed.
It's fucking common sense.
You would think, but there's times where I just have fucking eggs and bread and this person in front of me has a cart like hey they're doing like a one month I'm going to stock up.
Right.
Shit.
And it's like, can I just please I just have two fucking items.
I have eggs.
Never expect anything from the human race.
I know they are fucking horrible.
That's like expecting a payout from the government.
That'll never happen.
Yeah, yeah.
Fuck off.
That's like, I, it's so funny that like, oh, you make this much money to guess what you pay more taxes like fuck off.
Sorry, I'm almost spilled my water.
I'm a water.
Oh, well, yes, you should.
Yeah, I'm on water.
I'm sorry.
I know I have my little aquafina right next to me too.
So I was going to tell you, oh, one more rand then now that we're talking about grocery stores.
So back when I was still in HB, I was at Vaughn's.
I never go to Vaughn's, but Vaughn's had like they their deli makes like homemade or they don't make homemade.
But their guacamole is really good.
So I'm not paying attention because I'm hungover.
Sorry, my life.
So I go in line, I go in this line to check out.
I didn't realize there was a lady in back of me, or I guess to the side and she was already in line and she was, she looks at me like I'm crazy and she's like, well, just cut me off then I was already in line and I'm just like, oh, okay, so I get out of the line to move and then she fucking keeps talking to me like talking smack and I'm just like.
Okay, bitch, I'm sorry.
I'm like, I wasn't paying attention.
I'm like, I swear to God, there are so many Karen's in an orange.
Oh yeah.
That's where the carver born the fuck out of fucking Huntington Beach and still beach but there's just way too many Karen's and they fucking pissed me off and I'm like, this is what I get for not going shopping when they first open.
I'm like, I'm not fucking Karen's in my face I'm like bitch, I am not fucking white like you if you only knew. Yeah, you're like, bitch, I'm gonna cut you in the parking lot.
Fuck man, I was just like, I will never trust a white bitch.
I don't give a fuck.
I know all shady as fuck.
I'm like, damn man that fucking shit runs through my fucking veins and I'm like, right.
I don't like it.
It burns.
I love when I love when somebody from Orange County is like, yeah, I'm German.
I'm like, or whatever, right?
For instance, I'm German.
I'm like, okay, so was your mom or dad actually born or raised in Germany?
Yeah.
No.
And I'm like, okay, well, bitch, no, you're not not not even your grandpa.
Okay, but now bitch, shut up.
You are not your white your regular American way.
Yeah, the American cheese.
Yeah.
I think we're off with that, but just fucking don't tell me you're fucking German.
You're a fucking liar.
You need to know your lineage.
Yeah.
No shit.
Like did you do the fucking, what is that called that little fucking, you can find your ancestry,
whatever the fuck, right?
Fucking assholes.
I fucking hate the fact that people are like, oh, you're Pacific Islander.
Your family's in Hawaii.
Oh, we're from Hawaii too.
Yeah.
It doesn't drive with my you fucking howlies.
Like, no, you're not like you guys, you guys know, know, know, and know, and just, and
then there's others that are like, oh, I'm like, oh yeah, my dad's Austrian.
My mom's Filipino.
They're like, Australia.
And I'm like, no, bitch.
Oh, so and then, and then, then, then they say this.
So did your dad speak like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
I mean, and I'm like the exit.
Yeah, he has a German accent bitch.
Does he speak like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
That's some white fucking magazine.
Assholes who are fucking uneducated shit.
Like fucking fucking, you guys just, you probably don't even have a passport.
Like, I don't fuck.
Those are those people.
Well, I don't have a passport.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Well, guess what?
We're not trying to fucking leave.
We're not.
I have my real ID.
I don't have a passport.
I need to get a passport.
Me too.
But you know, they're, they're saying that you have to like send your legit birth certificate
and shit.
And it's kind of like that.
Yeah.
And that's kind of scary.
Well, that's what Oregon was telling me because my passport expired.
Shit.
I don't know.
Yeah.
No, I didn't know if your passport, well, at least in California, if your passport expired
less than 10 years, you can just renew it.
I guess online.
I had a passport.
It expired like 17 years ago.
So I'm like, fuck, I gotta actually, I guess reapply.
Yeah.
And then they want your original.
It's like, why do you want my original?
You fucking can look me up in the system.
Like, because like it took me so long.
I was born in Southern California and living in Oregon now.
It's like, what the fuck?
Like, no, I, I don't know because I sent my, my son's passport or not passport.
Like birth certificate because we were doing a bunch of military, you know,
just like whatever he had, he was getting his SS, whatever his whatever.
And yeah, and he was getting all that stuff and they're like, we need his original birth
certificate.
And I gave it to them and they were like, we will mail it back.
But when I, when I mailed it to them.
They're like, oh, we cut it because they like the little mail opener,
little scissor thingy that they do.
Huh.
They, they fucking cut his fucking original birth certificate in half.
They're like, oh, we're so sorry.
And it's like, well, so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Did they send you another copy or did they?
No, like, we'll put in for it.
But you, you know, you have to fucking like all this bullshit.
I had to jump through so many fucking hoops.
And it's like, I don't, I don't trust you guys.
Sometimes our mail opening system is, is a little too efficient.
It's like, fuck you.
Fuck you.
I live in Oregon.
My son was born in fucking LA County.
Like, are you fucking kidding me?
Jesus.
If the Jesus take the wheel.
Hey Zeus.
I was like, I'm gonna take the wheel.
I was like, I'm gonna drop that lawn mower and take the wheel.
This is fucking crazy.
Get on that John dare and take the goddamn wheel.
This is fucking crazy.
Like I fucking hate.
Shit.
It's like, you know what, but I'm, I'm good.
I don't, I don't, I don't have any fucking.
Nothing on my bucket list.
Nothing.
In the near future.
Or I want to go out of the country.
So we happen to know the same stuff.
And, but maybe I could build atown without going to a
town.
Like I fucking, like, I think it has been,
have you ever held a press conference relationship.
even do like the East coast anymore.
I want to go to Miami and I'm like, that is a six hours.
Yeah, it's a six hour flight.
And I'm just like, fuck, that means I have to get up
to use the bathroom at least once.
And that's disgusting,
cause it's a fucking airplane bathroom.
Let's start there.
And then just the people and it's recycled air.
Yeah.
For six fucking hours.
And then you're in like first class
and then you have these little assholes
still coming to use your bathroom.
You're like, excuse me.
Yeah.
The curtain.
Yeah.
I mean, stop.
Right?
Not first class.
I'm getting my own private jet.
Yeah.
This is so, yeah.
And I really was thinking more,
I guess I could go on a cruise,
but like I don't want to fucking go on a cruise.
I've been on a cruise there.
Okay.
But we, the cruise that I went on,
that was like back in college.
We took a boat or we to obviously,
we took the cruise from Florida.
I think it was for Lauderdale.
And then we took it to not Jamaica.
Where the fuck did we go?
Oh, the Bahamas.
And we didn't stay, the boat dropped us off
and then it picked us up like four days later.
So we weren't actually, I guess, like cruising.
Like just living on the fucking ship.
Yeah.
It was a big cruise liner,
but we didn't stay on the boat.
I guess, which is a good thing.
Cause I don't know if I'd be able to do that.
Like, you know how they stop everywhere?
Yes.
I know.
I did the fucking, the Baja Bay fucking cruise
and the Tequila cruise and God,
they stopped and it's like, our get back on the ship
or else you're left type shit.
And my very, very first cruise was I took the kids,
we flew to Florida and we did that Disney cruise.
We went to the fucking Mickey Island.
Oh yeah, my college best friend used to do that
with her daughter all the way.
Oh God.
Fuck my life.
Like it was just like, please.
I'm not a Disney person.
You know what I want to do?
I want to do the Virgin cruise.
That dude said there was no children allowed.
Please.
Yeah, I would do a cruise with no children.
Yeah.
And I'm like, hey dude,
I know you want to go to the moon and whatever the fuck,
but your Virgin cruise with no children allowed.
Yes, please sign me up.
I would like to maybe do that.
I don't know.
You know, we're also, no kids were allowed was that,
that's, what's that scuba gear?
That submarine dive down to the Titanic.
You're a bitch, dude.
I can't believe you said that.
I'm ready to implode.
You're fucking crazy as shit.
I fucking love you.
I love you too.
And on that note, I guess we should call it a day.
We should.
All right.
Well, I will talk to you next week.
Have a good one.
You too.
Bye everybody.
Bye.