You've opened the door to the Janitor's Domain, a broom closet full of wonders.
Beyond the plungers, brooms, and unknown items of disgust are memories of the past.
The memories you're about to hear are not for the faint of heart.
The memories are meant for mature audiences only.
Listener discretion is advised.
Prepare yourselves for Tales from the Janitor.
Excuse me, sir, but are you finished with your drink?
Thank you, sir.
Is everything alright?
Oh, hey, it's you.
Taking a ride on the steamboat, I see.
I haven't been on a steamboat since the Sultana.
It was a very nice boat.
It was big, too.
Oh my goodness.
I remember there had to be close to 1,500 people on it.
I think the boat sank, though.
Anyways, enough about my past.
Welcome to Mississippi, the Magnolia State.
Did you know at one time the majority of the population in Mississippi were slaves?
I don't know if that's something to be proud of, but it is history.
I didn't write it, just a fact.
Anyway, another weird fact is that this state produces more than half of the country's
supply of catfish and sweet potatoes.
I've never really been a fan of catfish, but some people like it.
Meow.
Did you know that Mississippi is also home to an average of 27 tornadoes per year?
Oh, that's a lot.
I love how almost everywhere you go you can hear blues music.
And one of my favorite musicians is from here.
I mean, who can't love cheeseburgers in paradise, am I right?
Don't forget that margarita.
I know you're not here for me and the history of the state.
You're here to experience the stories I'm about to tell you.
It's time now to get ready to be beautiful on Nash Road.
That was a good really party.
Yes, that was a real party.
It's a good thing I didn't drink.
You could have drank.
I'm okay to drive.
You can't even talk right.
Have I ever been able to talk right?
No, I guess not.
See I told you I'm a good go to.
Let's just get home and get you to bed.
I like going to bed with you.
We don't have time for any funny stuff.
We gotta be somewhere important tomorrow morning.
We always have time to fool.
Don't you dare start anything with me.
I just want to go home and go to bed and sleep.
Fine.
We will get home and just go to bed.
Thank you.
Where are we at anyways?
The sign said Nash Road.
Are you crazy?
Why are we on this road?
Oh come on now.
You can't really believe the stories of a three legged woman.
Yes, I really can believe the stories.
Big tough guy like you believe in something like that.
I don't believe it.
Aren't you scared of her?
No, I'm not scared of a story we heard as kids.
What about the stories we hear as adults?
You mean the stories we hear at the bar?
Or when we're over at your friend's house drinking?
Or when your friends come over and we're drinking?
Do you see the common thread here?
No.
What's the connection?
You only tell a story when you've been drinking like this.
Maybe.
I'll prove it to you.
How are you going to do that?
I'm going to stop the car, turn off the headlights and honk three times.
You crazy?
Don't do that.
Oh come on you big sissy.
I'm no sissy.
Says the baby who is scared of a story we would tell to scare ourselves.
Scare our...
I'm no baby.
Do it then.
See, nothing happened.
Can we just go home now?
Maybe it is just another scary story.
I told you so.
Go, go, go.
I'm going as fast as I can.
Come on go.
Get this thing going already.
I'm going, I'm going.
Faster, faster.
We're coming to the end of the road.
Just keep going.
I need someone to help me.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
No.
I need help.
Hurry up!
Hold on tight!
I think she stopped.
Well, I guess, um, the stories are true after all.
Don't tell anyone what I did.
What?
Scream like a little girl tough guy?
Yeah.
The legend of Mississippi's three-legged lady isn't for the faint of heart.
Now, the weird part of the story is how she is rumored to have gotten that third leg.
Some say it was removed from her dead lover and attached to her.
Others say she's a mother and the leg is the only part the mother found of her dismembered
daughter.
Ugh.
Still, others think that the phantom is a result of a satanic cult that once performed
sacrifices in a nearby church.
Oh, this is getting weird.
Now, I don't know what happened, but I do know I'm not driving down Nash Road near Columbus
at night.
Or at Calloway Hall, for that matter.
Make a hole, make a hole, coming through!
Oh, what do we have here?
It's the captain, he's been shot!
Get him up on the table.
You've got to help me, Doctor.
We will.
Don't you worry, Captain.
Nurse, get over here.
Coming, Doctor.
That's all for now, soldier.
Excuse me, but my orders were to stay with him, Doctor.
Fine.
You can wait outside.
No, I'm not leaving his side, sir.
Look, my dear boy, while I applaud your loyalty, you are just going to get in the way.
I can help.
I have medical training.
Sir, follow the doctor's orders and please get outside.
Your captain is in good hands now.
Captain, I'm going to give you something for the pain.
Just give it to me already.
Come on, let's go outside.
Soldier, just do it.
Let the doctor work on me.
Have you known the Captain Long, soldier?
We grew up together, went to the same school.
Are you from somewhere around here?
Just down the road a bit, actually.
That's nice.
Tell me what you did growing up.
The captain and I, we like to go fishing.
Tell me about some of the fish.
We would catch everything, but we love catching catfish.
We would take them home and give them to our mothers and eat real good that day.
Are you bleeding?
It's just a scratch.
Here, let me help you.
Okay, if you think it's necessary.
Absolutely, it's the least I can do.
Take off your shirt and I'll go get some supplies.
Here we go.
Now let me clean you up.
Thank you.
You're really nice.
Just doing my job, sir.
I never thought I'd have a woman caring for me.
We all do our part.
The wound doesn't look too bad.
I'll clean it up so it doesn't get infected and then put a bandage on it.
Thank you.
What's your name?
Mary.
Nice to meet you, Mary.
It's nice meeting you too.
If it wasn't for this war going on, I would have liked to court you.
Maybe you still can, once the war is over.
I would like that.
Let me apply the bandage on you.
My body is all yours.
It's getting close to the end of the day.
Does it always get quieter here at night?
No, it's actually the opposite.
That's when most of the wounds come in.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Keep them alive.
How would I do that?
Don't let them lose hope.
Once hope is gone, it doesn't matter what the doctors do.
How do I help them keep hope?
Especially in a place like this.
Talk to them like I talk to you.
Remind them of better times.
You know, I just met you, but I really do think you're amazing.
You would be correct.
You're not bashful, are you?
No.
I've seen enough in my life to know that I've seen too much.
My world is surrounded by death and blood.
It'll soon be over, and then I can take you up on the hill over there and we could
just watch the world below us.
I would love for you to take me there.
Then that's exactly what I'll do once this war is over.
I heard that we're advancing north tomorrow, so maybe you can finally get some peace.
Peace will never find us here until the bloody war is over.
So many innocent people have died.
So many just like you.
Do you think we'll win the war?
Nobody really ever wins in the war.
I guess not, but I'm gonna win this war.
Why?
So that I can come back to you.
You don't really need to win to do that.
Just come back alive.
Will you wait for me?
I will.
You've given me something to fight for.
You don't need me for a reason to fight.
If anything, I should be a reason for you not to fight.
It's what I have to do.
Then do what you have to do.
Are you good now?
I think so.
You put back on your shirt.
I need to go back inside and help.
Mary?
Yes?
I will come back for you.
I promise that.
I know you will.
As you can probably guess, the soldier never returned.
And Mary was devastated by this.
The story goes that Mary climbed the clock tower and left to her death.
And now her ghost remains at Calloway Hall where she has been seen weeping at the feet
of beds in the middle of the night.
The ghost never does any harm to anyone.
Maybe, just maybe, because when she was alive, she cared for the living.
Or at least tried to.
The Civil War produced so, so many ghosts.
So much pain happened in those four years.
So many good people getting hurt.
So much innocence lost.
Sorry.
But I always like a good love story.
Anyway, our next story takes us to Meridian as we look for a way to get across the other
side of the burnt bridge road.
Here, take a swig.
You know I don't drink that.
Come on, it'll loosen you up a bit.
Are you saying I'm too tight?
No, no, that's not what I'm saying at all.
I'm just joking.
What is that anyways?
It's my special home brew.
The finest moonshine this side of the Mississippi.
I thought you weren't making any more since you got caught last time.
I wasn't for a while, but this time I hit it better, deeper in the woods.
Fine, I'll try it.
It tastes like gasoline.
Yeah, it really gets your motor running, doesn't it?
I don't know how you can drink that stuff.
You get used to it after a while.
Here, take another drink.
Fine.
There you go.
Tastes better the second time around, doesn't it?
No, definitely no.
All right, all right.
I'll make some softer ones for you next week.
Thanks.
Hey, anything for my best girl.
What are you going to do after we graduate?
Don't know yet.
Yeah?
I'm probably going to stay working at the diner.
I could keep selling my moonshot.
She's been paying good money for it.
You need to get a real job, Sam.
Why?
Because, you know, my dad hates that I go out with you.
Would he like me more if I started working a real job?
Probably not, but maybe.
It wouldn't hurt to try.
Are you worth it?
What do you think?
I think you're totally worth it.
But I still get to make my special recipe on the side.
I think I can live with that.
What time do you have to get home?
As long as I'm home before my dad wakes up, it doesn't matter.
Are you sure that he ain't staying up, sitting on the front porch with a shotgun?
He could be doing that too.
I think I'll take the long way home then.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
Maybe we can stop somewhere.
If we find a nice spot, I would like that.
Oh, I know a couple around here we've visited before.
Let's go to someplace new.
How about the Bordeaux's Hay Barn?
Isn't that where you took me on our second date?
What did you think about prom?
It was nice.
That's all just nice?
What do you want me to say?
That you had a good time.
You want me to lie?
You didn't have a good time.
It would have been nice to dance with you.
We did dance.
One dance doesn't count, Sam.
Val.
I'm sorry I was busy.
You were talking with your friends.
Smoking, cigarettes, and drinking.
By the time our dance came around, I couldn't put my head on your chest without my nose
burning and coughing up a storm.
I'm sorry.
I'll make it up to you.
How are you going to do that, Casanova?
That was our last prom.
But what if it wasn't our last dance?
Sam, are you saying what I think you're saying?
Let's finish high school and then we can get m-
Sam, watch out!
The Burnt Bridge Road is no different from any other road.
But as you know, looks can be deceitful.
According to the legend, driving home on a dark night, the young couple's car crashed
on the bridge, decapitating the female passenger and causing the bridge to go up in flames.
The phantom prom goer can still be seen driving along the bridge in purpose, perhaps still
looking for her date.
Or her head.
Oh boy.
The legend of the area states that if you're driving your car on a dark and stormy night,
the headless ghost will jump on the roof of your car to catch a ride.
Speaking of rides, we're almost to the end of hours.
Let's go to Deer Island, where I'm sure we'll dig up something.
Captain, got another soul in sight?
Good, good.
Tell me, who is more important to please?
God, or the King of Spain?
Who is God's personal representative in this area?
I am.
Then it is better to please God, Captain.
Exactly.
And anyone who dares to deny this will soon find his head pierced and his neck stretched.
I will go on to meet God in haste, and lucky he will be.
They will have to kill me before I die, sir.
Oh, I'm glad your plan was a success, Captain.
My plans are always a success.
Sir, may I bang my head on the floor until we reach land?
We'll reach land soon.
We need to bury this treasure.
But after we kill everyone first.
Oh yes, corpses.
Corpses all day long, as far as the eye can see, and beyond if you can fathom.
But can we slaughter them?
Oh, I look forward to that.
Yes, and then we kill them all.
When they stretched me on the rack for a couple of years, I didn't go round and die all over
the place.
In fact, I stand two inches shorter.
Now pick your landing crew of the hottest men.
I would like to join the party, sir.
What would you do to them?
I would nail their tits to a table.
I like that.
That would be terrible and painful.
I'm still my father.
To you, son.
Come lads, you wear them.
Let's get the rest of the crew.
Land ho!
We should grab him.
He has nice muscles.
They glisten in the sun.
His hair reflects the color of the sun.
The way he talks, it's just...
By God, I'd let him swab my poop deck.
I mean, sorry.
We should grab him.
Grab him!
All right.
I think you've had too much sun.
Let's go.
Captain!
Dan?
Just step over him.
A couple more and he'll be just right.
Captain, there's land ahead.
An island.
And your natives?
We can take them, sir.
They are primitive.
Sharpen your knives.
We're forming a landing party.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Come on, get up.
You're coming too.
Aye, sir.
I would like to volunteer.
I'd be so rich.
I am the richest pilot in the world.
I'm a man of my word.
I'm a rich pirate.
Sir, the crew is assembled.
We're ready.
I see you've picked the right men.
Only the strongest and best worst men for this job.
Here's hoping that we'll get close to each other during the mission.
To the boat, men.
Oh, Cabin Boy.
Aye, did we bring him?
He's the most skilled man with a blade I've ever seen.
Let me put some lotion on those shoulders.
Get your hands off me.
Oh, this feels good.
Oh, so good.
Get me here as a neck next, will ya?
Drop!
Remember, men, we're clearing the land fast so the captain can come aboard.
I was told we were gonna torture.
We'll have to wait for the captain.
While we wait, we can cook a nice dinner for them.
I mean, we can loot the island.
Aye, we can pillage the island clean.
Set a course for Madagascar.
More sail!
I hope he's good with a blade.
We're getting close to land.
Prepare to fight.
They're waving.
They seem friendly.
I think it's a trick.
They're trying to get our guard down.
Don't get fooled, men.
That one woman is naked.
They are trying to torture us before we get there.
Look away, men.
Don't fall for their trap.
I would gladly moisten their feet with my nostrils.
Prepare to fight, men.
Show off those magnificent muscles.
Ready, men.
Charge!
I love my buttocks!
I will stay back and guard the boat.
I shall dispatch them with a heavenly force after I pull up my trousers.
Don't fall for their tricks.
Their beautiful women and their magnificent breasts are only meant to distract us.
Kill all the men.
We will torture the women later when the captain lands.
Let the molestation begin.
Watch out behind you.
Where's the leader?
They seem to be a group of rambling people.
The captains come in.
They're the landmen.
Oh, daddy.
I like it when you hit me like that.
This area is clear, sir.
Let's go greet the captain.
Oh, captain.
Over here.
It's safe.
Hurry up, lads.
Do you have the treasure, captain?
You fool.
Yes, I have the treasure.
I want to eat my own buttocks.
Give me your hand, captain.
I claim this island to be my island.
A pirate island.
Aye, captain.
King captain.
King?
I don't want to be king.
Now, let's look for a place to bury this treasure.
Come on, men.
Let's go get our treasure.
Yes.
Let me see those strong muscles at work.
Start digging, men.
Let's see.
Stagger.
Crawl.
Stagger.
Roll.
What are you doing?
You're either born a pirate or you're not.
Just start digging.
Oh, I broke a nail.
Oh, I have the treasure.
We're almost ready to place the treasure.
You've got a lovely bottom there, blue eyes.
Aye, look at the flowers on this island.
They look so beautiful.
That's deep enough.
Now, who's going to stay here and protect the treasure?
I will, sir.
Aye, you will do.
Open the chest.
No!
Shall we go, sir?
Bury it and we will go.
Come on, lad.
There's pirateing to do.
Well, you come in or what?
I don't know if that's a real story or not,
but it is the one-eyed picture.
According to legend, a pirate captain once steered his ship
into Biloxi Bay to bury a large treasure.
He and his men buried the gold on Deer Island,
but before they left, he chopped off the head
of one of his own men to protect the gold.
Now, the ghost is supposedly guarding the treasure.
To this day, no one has been able to find the treasure,
but many have stated that they have seen the apparition.
But we have docked and our time is finished together today.
To quote William Faulkner,
to understand the world, you must first understand
a place like Mississippi.
I don't understand the world,
and I really don't understand Mississippi.
My boss has gotten me a job again,
so I guess my time away is done.
I hope to see you all again.
I'll be going to the Limp Mansion.
There's something there I need to clean up.
Ha ha ha ha.
Gross.
All my friends, they've all been gone.
Most of them have fallen in love.
They're getting married too young.
And my sister, I don't see much.
I guess she's moving away to follow Jesus,
and it's hard on me.
And it's hard on me.
I saw my daddy cry for the first time.
I heard my mama lie for the first time in a long time,
and I held my granddad's hand,
and I looked him in the eye when he closed and forgot.
Oh, I never understood.
When God took his mind, he took ours too.
I fell in love once,
but I don't talk about it much.
But I haven't given up against others' opinions,
but that love left me scarred and restless.
And if I want to love, I've got to work hard to let go,
cause I never get it easy.
There's nobody who can please me when I walk away.
Trying to love someone,
he don't love me yet and I'm scared to death.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And I let myself go cold,
and I'm tired of being told.
I keep too quiet, I am too stubborn,
I should be more selfish, short,
but I've seen too much to think simply.
I've had too much pain to find beauty in things,
I've only ever tried to keep on reminding myself that these days,
they're all a pass away.
These days, they're all a pass away.
And it's sickening, how I cannot wait.
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is a dream.