You've opened the door to the Janitor's Domain, a broom closet full of wonders.
Beyond the plungers, brooms, and unknown items of disgust are memories from the past.
The memories you are about to hear are not for the faint of heart.
The memories are meant for mature audiences only.
Listener discretion is advised.
Prepare yourselves for...
Tales from the Janitor.
I say that I'm a...
Lumberjack, baby.
And I'm going to...
Cut you down to size.
I'm a lumberjack.
Oh, baby.
And you're the one...
You're the one that's going to get my...
Prize!
That's the way we like it!
Oh, yeah! Chop my wood...
And it will warm you...
Twice.
Have you been here long?
I hope I didn't...
Embarrass myself too much.
Oh...
Anyway, I was just chopping wood for next season.
Figured I'd get out here while the weather was changing.
Ah, no. Not your typical janitor duties.
But the town is small, and it's not until the weather warms up that people start coming into this town.
But, welcome to the great state of Iowa.
Now, what can I tell you about Iowa?
Uh...
Not much, really. I'm sure you'll think of something.
Why don't I tell you an allegory while I stack this wood, huh?
I want to tell you a tale where you're going to hear a feature so, so good...
That they need to make a movie about it.
Let's talk about the exorcism in early.
Shall we?
Whoa!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Please, come this way, Father.
How is the child doing?
She is not doing well, Father. She has not eaten or drunk anything in days.
Tell me everything that has happened, Sister Frances.
She was brought here by Father Steiger four days ago. We have been praying non-stop and trying to do what we can.
Where is Father Steiger now?
He is in the room now, with Sister Monica.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Take me there, now.
It's just around the corner. We tried to keep her away from the rest of the convent.
In fact, some of the nuns have already complained about her being here.
What have they complained about?
fits of rage and calling the other sisters derogatory names. Here is the room now.
Thank you very much, sister.
Of course, father. I'll pray for her well-being and for yours.
How is Father Steger?
He is managing, father.
Managing?
This is new territory for him.
He has performed exorcisms before.
Not to this degree.
What pray tell do you mean?
Father, before we enter through that door, you must know that whatever this child of the Lord
has inside her is strong and evil.
Then let us begin, sister.
Father Reisinger, welcome. I'm glad you're here.
Father Steger, there is no time to waste. What is Ana's status?
She's not doing well, but I believe we are breaking through. We have made some progress.
Are you doing okay, father?
I still have much to give, father.
Good to hear that, father. It's going to get more difficult before it gets better.
You, the mighty father, have arrived.
With whom do you speak and please speak English.
My name is Juras. Did you bring my thirty pieces of silver?
I want to talk to Ana.
Ana is not here right now. Only Juras.
I want to speak with Ana.
Ana, who are you?
I am Juras.
Ana, are you a Tukas or a Samu Jura?
I am the Vajra.
I shall speak in whatever tongue I so desire.
Maybe you would like a little tongue, father.
I know that you get lonely at night. I know that you are tired.
I know that Ana gets lonely at night.
Her father wanted her, but she kept denying him his pleasure.
We don't need to hear this.
Afraid of what I am about to say? Afraid to say that Ana's father wanted her flesh? Afraid that we might have a little bit of fun?
Enough of this. Let us speak to Ana.
I told you! Ana is not here!
Get some towels.
No, leave it be.
Let the aroma fill your noses.
Let us all enjoy the smell of her bile.
Clean it up, sister.
Yes, father.
You are no fun today, father. Did you get some last night? Did you think of me when you were please?
Enough with these gums.
You bastard!
You did get some. Was his flesh as soft as mine?
Sisters, help me tie her down.
Sister Joan, help me hold her down. Sister Mary, please start tying. Make sure the knots are taut.
I liked being tied down. I'm bringing the chains and the whips.
Down here we are bound by much stronger chains than the ropes you use here.
But the truth is, men and women long to control and to be controlled.
It is human nature. Real life is full of pain and disappointment.
But fantasy... Oh, fantasy is a possibility.
Do you fantasize about me, father? Do you dream of my soft flesh on yours?
In the name of Jesus Christ, our God and Lord, strengthened by the intercession of the Immaculate Virgin Mary,
Mother of God, of Blessed Michael, the Archangel, of the Blessed Apostles Peter and Paul, and all the saints.
Boat-blickers! All of them!
And powerful in the holy authority of our ministry, we confidently undertake to repulse the attacks and deceit of the devil.
God arises. His enemies are scattered and those who hate him flee before him.
As smoke is driven away, so are they driven. As wax melts before the fire, so the wicked perish in the presence of God.
Behold the cross of the Lord! Flee, bands of enemies!
I'm bored. Let's have some fun. When was the last time you used your penis, father? I do hope that he enjoyed your flesh.
The Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the offspring of David hath conquered.
May thy mercy, Lord, descend upon us.
Don't you want to penetrate life, father? I'm right here. Is it my vagina good enough for you to penetrate, father?
As great as our hope in thee.
We drive you from us, whoever you may be. Unclean spirits, all satanic powers, all infernal invaders, all wicked legions, assemblies and sects.
In the name and by the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, may you be snatched away and driven from the Church of God and from the souls made to image and likeness of God and redeemed by the precious blood of the Divine Lamb.
Most cunning serpent, you shall no more dare to deceive the human race, persecute the Church, torment God's elect and sift them as wheat.
Do you know how I felt when I betrayed Jesus? When I accepted the blood money? The glory was all mine. When I took my life, I died with a smile on my face. Will you do the same?
God the Father commands you, as he does also the power of the Christian faith.
Blah, blah, blah.
God the Father commands you. God the Son commands you. God the Holy Ghost commands you.
The faith of the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and of the other apostles commands you.
Give place to Christ in whom you have found none of your works. Give place to the one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church acquired by Christ at the price of the blood.
Oh Lord hear my prayer.
And let my cry come unto thee.
You're just cutting lines out of the Bible. You're too busy dying to stop and live. You should give up on survival.
You tried all that you can. Just give up. I wish you would just go back home.
Nothing else for you to prove.
I know, I know you tried real hard, but this world, it doesn't love you the way I do.
May the Lord be with thee.
And with thy spirit.
Come here, Gretin. Come taste my tongue and feel my body. Pleasure my flesh with your flesh.
God of heaven, God of earth, God who has the power to give life after death and rest after work.
Because there is no other God than thee and there can be no other. Thou out the creator of all things.
Lord grant us a protection and keep us safe. We beseech thee through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Be gone Satan, inventor and master of all deceit, enemy of man's salvation.
We beseech thee through Jesus Christ our Lord. Be gone Satan, inventor and master of all deceit, enemy of man's salvation.
Help, help, help!
My Jesus, mercy, praise be to Jesus Christ.
Is it over father?
For now it is sister, for now.
What happens next?
Prayer, Father Stieger.
Lord, you who said, I leave you peace, my peace I give you.
Grant that through the intercession of the Virgin Mary we may be liberated from every evil spell and enjoy your peace always.
Watch over this young child of yours and grant her peace. Amen.
Amen.
The story you just heard was not on the scale of what exactly happened.
Sometimes the truth is more scary than the story being told.
On June 18th, 1912, Anna underwent her first exorcism.
During the summer of 1928, she underwent her second exorcism, which you just heard.
Father Stieger of Iowa and Father Reisinger of Germany were the ones who performed the exorcism in the convent.
The exorcism was reported as violent, with Anna levitating, howling and hanging from the frame of the doorway.
The exorcism started on August 18th and ended on December 23rd, 1928.
She refused to consume food and vomited multiple times, which resembled tobacco leaves.
Gross.
Several nuns requested a transfer during the ordeal.
Anna was believed to be possessed by Judas Iscariot, her own father and her Aunt Mina.
Anna only exhibited milder possessions after this.
The story of Anna has been made into movies and written about in multiple sources.
But for our next story, let's travel to Des Moines, where maybe we can break a leg.
Ready and action!
At the ideal high school.
Okay, let's take it from the top of Act 3.
Ready? Action.
Got my second buttonhole for me, Phipps?
Yes, my lord.
Rather distinguished thing, Phipps, I am the only person of the smallest importance in London at present who wears a buttonhole.
Yes, my lord. I have observed that.
You see, Phipps, fashion is what one wears oneself. What is what one wears oneself.
What is unfashionable is what other people wear.
Yes, my lord.
Just as vulgarity is simply the conduct of other people.
Yes, my lord.
And falsehoods, the truth of other people.
Yes, my lord.
Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself.
Yes, my lord.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance, Phipps.
Yes, my lord.
Don't think I quite like buttonhole, Phipps. Makes me look a little too old. Makes me almost in the prime of my life. Hey, Phipps?
I don't observe any alterations in your lordship's appearance.
You don't, Phipps?
No, my lord.
I am not quite sure. For the future, a more trivial buttonhole. Phipps on Thursday evenings.
I will speak to the florist, my lord. She has had a loss on her family lately, which perhaps accounts for the lack of triviality your lordship complains of in the buttonhole.
Extraordinary thing about the lower classes in England. They are always losing their relations.
Yes, my lord. They are extremely fortunate in that respect.
Oh. Line. Line.
Stop. Just stop. Peter, I told you to have your lines remembered by now.
I'm sorry, Miss Keele. I know them.
What happened then?
I saw something in the light booth.
What do you mean you saw something?
It looked like the lights were flashing.
It was probably just the lighting techs in the room.
The lighting techs are backstage on the catwalk, positioning the barn doors for Act 4.
Huh? Maybe it was the janitor.
I don't think that's the janitor.
Whatever it was, it's done now. Let's take it from where we left off. Places, everyone, okay? And... action.
Any letter, Phipps?
Three, my lord.
Want my cab around in twenty minutes?
Yes, my lord.
Ahem. Phipps. When did this letter arrive?
It was brought by hand just after your lordship went to the club.
Um, Miss Keele? I don't know what's going on.
I don't think we should be here anymore.
Let's finish in the hallway. Everyone, out of here now.
Lincoln High School has to be mysterious, as there is no story on why these things happen and when they do happen.
Maybe it is just high school rumors. Kids not happy because they didn't get the lead role on the production. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's really hard to say.
Maybe it's an angry janitor. Ha ha ha. Uh, not it. I wish I had more to tell you here, but I don't.
Our next story takes us to Charles City, Iowa, where we will hear a really, really sad tale about a girl named Samantha.
I hate this run.
What do you mean?
I just hate this part of the job.
They're just passengers like the rest.
You know they're not like the other passengers. They're all orphans.
Do you know why we transport them?
Probably to be ground up into animal food.
No. We take them to the east so that they can find new families, or if they're old enough, work on the farms.
Why can't they find families here?
Some are lucky and stay here, others not so lucky. They don't have families here. No relatives. The one that loves them, they...they...they're all alone.
How can they have no families?
They moved out here from the east to farm or work on someone else's land or family's dead or moved away or there was no contact with their relatives.
They can't all be Quasimodo, I guess.
Do you have children?
Yes, I do. Three strapping young lads.
Do me a favor then, will you?
What's that?
Most parents will do anything for their child. Except let them be who they are.
What gibberish is that? I know what's best for my kids.
No, you don't. You only think you do. Those children that we have back there aren't as lucky as your boys.
Do tell.
Not everyone has parents. Life leaves some people with just dreams. Don't take your children's dreams.
Is that what happened to you?
My dream was to work on a train. This is my dream. What was your dream?
Dreams are for little kids. Once you become a man, you don't have time for dreams.
Hope is a waking man's dream. Never lose it. Sometimes I think dreaming is the only right thing to do.
What kind of father did you have?
I didn't. I was an orphan, too. My father died when I was only two years old, and my mother passed when I was four.
Me and my sister were lucky enough, and we were raised by a farmer that couldn't have kids.
He didn't know how to be a father, but he tried.
We're coming up on the spur. Are we ready to open it up?
Steam is good. Fire's hot. We're ready.
Keep the cherries hot. Heading into the spur. Eastbound we go. Let's hope we can make good time.
Track looks clear. Opening up. You can go faster.
Three quarters throttle. Three cars clear. Time to open her up.
Boiler is good. You can do more.
Full speed. Keep the fire going. I got eyes.
Are you hearing something?
Huh? Hear what? What are you talking about?
I think I hear the orphans. It sounds like they're screaming.
Nah. They're probably just singing.
Those don't sound like songs. I'm checking it out.
I've got an idea. Go out on the deck. You'll be able to see. There's a slight bend up ahead.
Sure. I mean, you have to drive the train, right?
Stop the train!
What's wrong?
The cars are on fire. Stop the train!
Working on it. Give me some time.
Those orphans don't have time.
What's our speed?
Thirty.
Too fast for me to jump out.
You crazy? Why would you jump?
To save the kids.
Pull the brake.
We would burn the brakes.
The train is on fire. Who cares about the brakes? Pull them!
Applying brakes now.
Speed fifteen. What are you going to do?
I'm going to save as many as I can.
Speed ten. I'm jumping.
Be careful.
The runaway train went over the hill and she blew.
And she blew. She blew, blew, blew.
In the shuffling madness of the locomotive breath runs the all-time loser headlong to his death.
He hears the silence howling, catches angels as they fall, and the all-time winner has got him by the balls.
Lyrics of the song Locomotive Breath by Jethro Tull take a different meaning after this tale.
Sadly, that day none of the children were saved.
Well, now when you walk the old tracks, you can hear the orphans crying, the smell of the smoke,
and even the ghost of a young girl named Samantha by the locals who wears a white dress walking through the woods.
There's nothing in the records that say this incident ever happened,
but orphan trains ran through here from 1853 to 1929.
If you happen to visit here and hear a young girl singing, don't be surprised if you can't find her.
How about for our final narrative we go to the small town of Van Meter?
Where? Well, you're just going to have to listen to this one.
Clarence, where were you last night?
I was at the bank.
All night?
I didn't want that robber to get in the bank.
Wait, what robber?
The one that you saw last night.
That I saw? Hold on, I never said that was a robber. I just thought it was.
So, seeing a light on top of a building wasn't unusual for you?
Like I just said, I only thought it was a robber.
Kleptomania has a hard habit to break. Fingers aren't.
I don't know if what I saw had finger... Wait, did you hear the robber too?
I think it was. I heard some noises last night while inside.
What did you hear?
It sounded like something scraping against metal.
What did you do?
I opened the window and shot in the direction of the sound of my rifle.
Did you see anything?
I was too afraid to go see if I had hit anything until morning.
And?
All I saw was some broken glass and... well...
Well what? Come on, how was it?
I... saw some three-toed tracks.
Exactly how large?
It was the largest tracks I ever saw.
Did you tell anyone?
I told Doc, and he said he also heard some weird noise last night.
What did he do?
He shot two, but didn't see anything.
What do you think it is?
I don't know.
Why are you here though?
Because I saw two.
You saw it?
Two nights ago. I forgot something at the store, so I went back and...
There it was, sitting on top of my store.
What did you do?
Well, I told everyone that I just thought it was a burglar.
But you didn't.
No, I saw it.
What was it?
It was like something I never saw before.
It was a giant bat.
A giant bat?
It had to be at least seven foot tall.
Where do you think it came from?
My guess is the mine.
Huh. They have been using a lot of explosives recently to get deeper in.
Maybe it woke up.
Look over there. Was that what you saw?
Yeah, yeah that's it.
Well don't just stand there clowns. Show it.
I'm gonna get closer first.
Did you hit it?
I don't know. I should have hit it right in the chest.
But I don't see any blood.
Maybe I missed.
Which way did it fly off?
You were right. It went back toward the mine.
We should go there then.
And do what exactly?
I'll think of something.
Just make sure that raft of yours is loaded in case you have to shoot it again.
Oh it's loaded and ready.
Did you see that lat?
What was that lat? Where did it come from?
He came from the creature.
What is that smell?
That came from the creature as well.
Maybe you diet hit it?
Then where's the blood?
Maybe we can't see it.
If it was blood we would see it.
Everything bleeds the same as you and me.
Do you think there is any dynamite at the mine?
There should be.
What are you thinking?
We should blow up the entrance. That way it can never get out again.
What about all the people that work there?
Look I know that would make a lot of people mad.
But do you really want that creature flying about?
Why don't you go grab your gun? Maybe some more people.
And we just shoot it a bunch of times.
I guess that's not a bad idea.
But blowing it up should be an option.
We'll keep it as a last option.
It's almost daylight.
How many people do you think we can get?
Oh I'm sure we can get most of the town.
Then I suppose we better get to it.
Alright let's go Eugene.
The next night the town assembled a posse of men and they made their way to the coal mine.
They waited and eventually under the cover of darkness they saw the creature fly out and go towards town.
The men waited until almost dawn when the creature came flying back and opened fire as the creature retreated back into the mine.
The creature was never seen again.
And no evidence was ever found as to what this creature was.
The small town holds a festival every year dedicated to Van Meter Monster.
Over the years people have wanted to know more about the creature and the mine.
But the mine is closed and the townspeople don't want this mine reopened anytime soon.
Iowa has many many more weird stories to hear about.
But unfortunately our time here is complete.
Grab some corn on your way out.
Make some popcorn and spend time with your family.
There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things don't you think?
Open your eyes and look around.
But I'm moving on to my next adventure.
If you want you can join me by following the yellow brick road.
Hahahaha!
I'm not sinking in the whiskey.
Sipping on a history.
It's a whole lot worse than that.
Since you went away.
I got one foot in the grave.
Somewhere between the edge of being alive.
And feeling dead.
Living like this makes dying look scary.
Digging up bones.
Better left buried.
Kicking them stones in love's cemetery.
Well I said it's not the end.
And I swore I'd get you back again.
But now I can't believe.
That he and you said I do.
I wasn't there watching you.
But a chill came over me.
When that preacher man spoke that prayer.
I swear I felt it in the air.
And my soul started sinking deep.
Since you went away.
I got one foot in the grave.
Somewhere between the edge of being alive.
And feeling dead.
Living like this makes dying look scary.
Digging up bones.
Better left buried.
Kicking them stones in love's cemetery.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
My head's full of memories.
That pine box won't shut.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
A nail in the coffin of what's left of us.
Since you went away.
I got one foot in the grave.
Somewhere between the edge of being alive.
And feeling dead.
Since you went away.
I got one foot in the grave.
Somewhere between the edge of being alive.
And feeling dead.
Living like this makes dying look scary.
Digging up bones.
Better left buried.
Kicking them stones in love's cemetery.
Love's cemetery.
Hi, it's me.
I'm out of town until Monday.
Just leave a message.