You've opened the door to the janitor's domain, a broom closet full of wonders.
Beyond the plungers, brooms, and unknown items of disgust are memories of the past.
The memories you are about to hear are not for the faint of heart.
The memories are meant for mature audiences only.
Listener discretion is advised. Prepare yourself for tales from the janitor.
Peel the potato, peel the potato, peel the potato and put it in the pot!
Oh god, I am so sick and tired of peeling these dang potatoes.
I mean who are these potatoes for anyway? I've never even met anyone from Idaho.
But hey, at least you found me. You want to give me a hand peeling these potatoes?
Nah, I'm sorry. I know that you're not here to work.
Welcome to Idaho, the state that doesn't exist.
And the state where the square dance is the state dance.
Did you know that no one even knows where Idaho got its name from?
I'm sure we can get some guesses here, but I realize we're not here to do that.
I need to listen to something to drown out the boredom of peeling these god forsaken potatoes.
So let's just jump right into our first story, which takes place in this very town of Boise.
Are you ready to go through the integument of the Boise tunnels? Let's go!
Ha ha ha ha!
How much further do you think we've got to dig?
It can be that much further.
Phew, we have to be at least three feet down already.
Do you see that? Water lines are always put at least 12 inches below the frost line.
It would have been a lot easier to use the backhoe to get us down farther.
I told you we had to hand dig for at least the last 18 inches.
We don't want to cause any more damage than what is already there.
Plus, since these pipes were put in by hand, we should be able to fix them by hand.
They were probably put in by hand from the Chinese.
Doesn't matter who put them in. It's our job to fix them.
Hey, I think I got something.
Did you find the pipe?
I think so. Either that or a big rock.
You should clean out around it.
I know, I know.
Art, you okay?
Yeah, I only fell down about a century. Hey, toss me down a light would you?
Here, catch.
Why you have to come down here?
Why? What do you got down there?
I'm in a tunnel. It's a long tunnel too. It's got a lot of branches leading off it too.
Looks like it goes under the entire city.
Hang on, I'm coming down.
What did we find?
I don't know.
Whatever it is, I sure don't remember it being on any maps.
Well, let's go explore it.
We still have to fix the pipe.
It will still be broke when we come back. Come on, we can look for a little bit, right?
Then we can come back and fix the pipe. Who knows, maybe there is treasure down here.
I doubt there is any treasure.
But you don't know if we don't look.
Listen, we fix the pipe and this will be sealed up again. We may never get another opportunity.
Thirty minutes. We can look around for thirty minutes.
I knew you would see it my way.
Shut up. Which way do you want to go?
Which way is center of town?
It should be this way.
Alright, let's go to the center of the town.
So, what do you think they see us anyway?
Do you think it could be the migrant tunnels we heard about as kids?
You mean the tunnels built by the Chinese? I thought those were just drainage tunnels.
That's one story.
What are the other stories?
Some say they used it for gambling or opium dens.
So there really could be treasure down there.
Maybe, it's the Kyrdos haven't gotten to it first.
So, which way now?
I think we should go to the right.
That would take us near the museum, right?
It should.
How far do you think these go?
Don't know, but we're not going to have the time to explore it all.
If we find a door, maybe we can use it to come back.
A door? I haven't seen any access points so far. Not even a vent. Which is really weird.
The air down here seems pretty clear though.
Which should mean that somewhere air is getting pumped in here.
But from where though?
Hard to say.
Do you think we're under the museum yet?
If not, we've got to be getting close.
I'm still not seeing any doors.
Never mind. There is a brick wall up ahead though.
Those bricks look newer than the rest.
Yeah, they look to be about 50 or 60 years old.
There probably was a door there at one point. They sealed it off during the renovations more than likely.
So you think anyone else knows about these tunnels then?
Maybe, but I don't think anyone will openly talk about them.
I do think we should turn around and head back now.
But we haven't found another access point yet.
We're just going to have to find another way down here later.
What if there is no other way?
They will have to wait until the next water main break.
But what if the next main doesn't lead us back down here?
Time moves forward, time moves backwards. Down here, time stands still.
Rumors about the tunnels underneath Boise are fairly rampant with the locals.
Some locals believe that the Chinese built the tunnels to use as opium dens, a way to smuggle, or a place to gamble.
Others say that they were just drainage ditches for all the laundry, and it was a way to keep the storefronts dry.
The last known people to discuss the tunnels was during the 1960s, yet no one today has seen or been inside the tunnels.
Some say that the tunnels never existed.
The people that do believe that the tunnels existed say they go to almost every building in town, including the capital.
I wonder if they do exist.
Oh, God, how many potatoes do we have to peel?
There's another story in Pocatello about Lamarckism that should ease this tedium.
Ugh.
Hold up here for a bit. Let the others catch up. We'll rest here for a while.
We really should keep pushing on.
We'll rest up. There's another river coming up that we'll have to cross later.
Why don't we get closer to the river then?
I ain't resting near that river. We rest here.
Kathy, wake the kids and get ready to fix us something to eat.
We're running low on meat, meaning we're going to have to hunt again soon.
If we see some traders, we can trade the hides for more food.
I wouldn't get rid of all the hides. We're going to need them to stay warm.
Be quiet, woman.
Your wife is correct, Roger. No need to get rid of them all.
Stay out of my business, Jim. Worry about your own family.
Just trying to help you out.
If I wanted your help, I would ask you for it. Other than that, stay out of my business.
Stay close to the wagon, kids. Don't wander too far.
Kathy, the kids are running about.
I told them they could. They need to use up some energy.
Woman, you are going to be the death of me.
I'll keep an eye out for them.
You can get your eyes off my children.
What is your problem, Roger?
My problem is you always trying to get into my business.
What's the problem here, gentlemen?
There's no problem.
Oh, there is a problem. The problem is Jim's always trying to be in everybody's business.
I'm sure he means no harm by just being friendly.
Well, he can be less friendly with me and my family.
We all need to help each other out. It will make the rest of the journey a lot easier.
I need no help from no one.
Jim, it will be best to leave him be for now.
Not a problem. Just call if you ever need anything.
That will be never.
Roger, when was the last time you rested?
I got no time to rest.
Take a moment. Spend some time with that family of yours. Get something to eat and relax for a little bit.
We'll be back on the trail in about an hour. The rest of the group is coming in.
Whatever. I got no time for other people.
We're all just trying to get where we need to go.
I don't need anyone to help me.
In fact, I'm going to get my family together and cross that river myself.
I'm not going to stop you, but I will warn you. Don't stop at the river. You must keep going.
I'll stop where I want to stop.
You do whatever you have to do then.
I will. Kathy, we're leaving. Get the kids ready.
What about the food?
What we've got is good enough.
Children, come on. Your father says we're leaving.
Give me some of the meat.
This tastes terrible.
I told you it wasn't ready yet.
Give it to the children. They'll eat it.
What are you going to eat?
I'll have some hardtack.
You should eat more than that.
I'm fine, woman, but we will need to get some water.
The guy told us not to stop at the river, so probably not a good idea to get it from there.
I don't listen to no man. You know that.
Come on, children. Get in the wagon.
Come on.
Roger, settle down. The kids were barely in the wagon.
Ain't got no time to wait.
Remember, don't stop at the river.
What did he say?
Something that makes me know never mind.
Why aren't the rest coming with us?
Because we don't need them. We can do this on our own.
Are you sure you know where you're going?
I'm a man. I don't need anyone telling me no directions.
You and your stubbornness.
Be quiet, woman.
Hmm.
I see the river coming up. Get the buckets ready.
Okay, okay. Children, hand me those empty buckets.
Whoa!
You got those buckets ready?
Coming up. Do you want me to help you?
I'll do it. I want it done right.
You stay on the wagon and keep the children in line.
Hand me the buckets.
Are you sure you don't need no help?
Just give me the buckets, woman.
Here you go, then.
Here you go.
Hell those children would quit crying, would you?
They're not our children.
Well, if they're not our children, then whose children are they?
I don't know.
Something's got me! Kathy!
Do you need help, Roger?
Ahh!
The Water Babies of Massacre Rock has been a long-told legend in the region,
told before people started crossing the land while on their way to Oregon.
The legend has it that a Native American tribe faced a terrible famine
and that there wasn't enough food to go around.
Mothers unable to nurse were told by the elders that their newborns
were to be drowned in the river so they wouldn't die of starvation.
The legend has it that the children transformed and started living in the lake
by growing gills, tails, and fins on their body.
This terrible attempt at kindness backfired as the babies,
still starving in death and furious at their fate, lingered at the river.
It is always the little ones who suffer.
They waited for people to come to the river so the children could pull them under the water
and feast on the remains.
Next time someone tells you not to stop at a river, you might want to take their advice.
Let's continue our journey with our next story,
which takes us nowhere, or at least it's what they want us to believe.
I'll let you decide who I'm referring to.
Gentlemen, Mrs. Green, please try some of my fruits.
Oh, I eat all the food I can, and what I can't, I can.
Ladies?
Do you know why we are here today?
Um, I believe that Mr. Black called the meeting.
At least that's what my letter said.
What is this department?
The Things That Don't Exist department?
It's been around for a very long time.
I knew here. I just got assigned and was told to meet here.
Um, the Things That Don't Exist?
The Things That Don't Exist? That is a funny name for a government department.
I'm Mrs. Green, and that is Mrs. Red. And who might you be?
I'm Mr. White.
Oh, so you're the new Mr. White.
Huh, I remember the last time we were in here. It was to discuss the Republican Party.
We got a lot of people to believe in that one.
The new Mr. White? Wait, um, the Republican Party exists.
I voted for the President, and he won. How can Republicans not exist?
Here comes Mr. Black now.
Gentlemen, ladies, we are here to talk about SL-27.
For those that don't know about Project SL-27, it's what we are calling the made-up land between Utah and Canada.
We are making the maps that people will deem to be true.
If we say that there is land between the states, the people will believe us.
You think that the people will believe that we just made up territory?
The American people will believe anything that we tell them. We are the government.
Who doesn't believe the government? They already believe that the Earth is round, and fitting a state should be easy.
Oh, the American people can be easily manipulated. Remember the whole election?
Getting people to vote for our candidate was easy.
Getting them to believe that there isn't land could be a little more tricky. It's something that they can explore.
Excuse me, um, voting for your candidate.
Mr. White, there is a lot that you'll have to catch up with.
Now, without maps, one could think he's in Washington Territory, or even in Nassau.
Don't forget about the Shoshone or Absolutka Territory.
Mr. White, notice how the area said we are renaming.
Why are we renaming land?
We could give the area to the Indians.
The Indians know about the land, and they would dig it.
I don't understand why we are doing this.
We are in charge of making the map. The government and the people will believe what we tell them.
How big of an area are we talking about?
The Dakota Territory will be quite big. We should split them up.
Let's stick to one area at a time, Mr. Black.
Fair enough. Back to the task at hand.
Let's assume that the Washington Territory and the Oregon Territory are staying where they are.
We could just make them bigger.
There's no reason to do that. They actually wouldn't be getting any bigger.
Then why are we doing this?
To stop the Utah Territory from expanding into Canada.
If we say that there's a territory above them, they can't go any farther north.
Plus, this will stop the Washington Territory from expanding more east.
What are we planning on calling this area on the map?
What about Idaho?
Where did that come from?
What language is that exactly?
It's Shoshone for nothing.
Mrs. Brick, I didn't know you spoke Shoshone.
Mr. Black, there are a lot of things you don't know about me.
Mrs. Wright, maybe one day you can be so good as to enlighten me.
Can we get back to the meeting at hand, please?
This is so bad to this Idaho. I don't think we could call it that.
We need something that's more American.
What if we change it to Idaho?
I think we can shorten it even more to Idaho. One word, no pause.
What do we tell the people it means?
We tell them it means gem of the mountain.
I like that.
Thank you, Mr. Green.
So what shape should we give it?
It could be a rectangle like the other states.
That would be too easy.
Why don't we shape it big on the bottom to cover the Utah border,
and skinny on top to allow space between Montana and Washington.
Mrs. Wright, that is brilliant. No one will ever question an odd-shaped territory.
I is my specialty.
I thought your specialty was killing...
Not here, Mrs. Green.
Now, do we have everything settled?
I believe that we do.
Next week, I would like to discuss the moon.
What about the moon? You can't tell me that doesn't exist.
We can see it with our own eyes.
Mr. White, it does indeed exist. But what's on the other side?
This meeting could be convivial.
Think about it. Okay, meeting adjourned.
Mr. Black, what is it that you do exactly?
Mr. White, I'm responsible for giving the people something to believe in.
How much effect do you have?
I control everything, Mr. White.
Mrs. Red.
He was asking too many questions.
Tell the team to clean it up. I'll start looking for another one.
The original Mr. White was good enough.
We can't use him anymore. We have to erase his mind so he can become the president.
While some will say that secret government departments are the things that don't exist, let me ask you one question.
Have you ever met anyone from Idaho?
You might know people that have supposedly driven through it or been to an airport.
But what if you were still in Montana or Utah and you just didn't realize it?
Sure, the government knows. But would they actually tell you?
I can't honestly tell you if I'm in Idaho. Sure, my map says I am. But remember who made the maps?
I bet these guys even made those tiny little fuses to go in the Christmas lights.
I'm sure that you could discuss all this at great length, but no one would ever truly know.
Our last story of this so-called state is a story of wonder. As in, I wonder if it ever happened.
Let us take a trip to a secret naval testing site and get to know a little creature I like to call the beast in Lake Pend Oreille.
Dive, dive! What's the depth? 38 feet, sir.
A periscope.
Sir, you do realize we are diving.
Stand by to surface.
Sir?
Stand by to surface.
You heard him. Stand by to surface.
Now let's get this straight. I want the scope up as we dive.
As we dive, sir?
I want to be ready to fire once we hit 50 feet. I know this is new to you, but you'll get used to it.
The purpose of this drill is what, sir?
The purpose of this drill is to dive and fire as soon as we level. Let's try this again. Surface.
Surface. Below main ballast.
Hard rise on the planes.
Surface, sir.
Surface, sir. Okay, let's do this again.
Dive. Below the negative. Level off. 8 degree angle. Depth, 40 feet.
Steady on course.
Mark 50. Level off.
Fire 1.
Fire.
Time?
One minute, sir.
Not fast enough. Open the vents sooner.
Aye, aye, sir.
Stand by to surface. We'll try this again.
Stand by to surface. Below main ballast.
Ballast.
Surface, sir.
Sound the alarm.
Dive.
Open them up. Flood those tanks.
Taking a chance, aren't we, sir?
You can always shut them if you don't get a green board.
Open the vents.
Dive faster.
Open the vents full.
Mark 50. Level off.
Fire 1.
Fire.
Time.
37 seconds, sir.
I want us to get down to 30 seconds.
Sir, we're picking up something on the radar.
I appreciate the ad lib, officer, but we are in a lake. Just testing diving maneuvers.
I understand, sir, but unless the equipment is malfunctioning, there is something ahead of us.
Size?
Bigger than us, sir, and moving quickly.
Take us down.
Open the vents.
Down bubble 12 degrees.
Down 12 degrees.
75 feet.
100 feet. Sir?
Level out at 150.
Leveling out. 8 degrees. 4 degrees. 150 feet, sir.
Still on us, sir.
Any other testing going on in the area?
We were the only one on the schedule, sir. Water should be clear.
Arms?
Arcadia has nothing on board, sir. Can we outrun whatever it is?
It's our only option.
Sound the alarm. Prepare for surface rapid ascent.
Amoor! Amoor!
Going up. Surface.
20 degrees, up bubble. Blow the tanks.
This sub hasn't been tested yet for a quick ascent.
No time better than the present.
Sir, what are your next plans?
We're going to try to outrun it. The only other option would be to ram it.
Bearing 160 straight ahead.
Right full rudder.
Half speed.
Bearing 80 degrees.
Trailing us, but gaining, sir.
Three-quarter speed.
Left rudder 15 degrees.
Up periscope.
Now let's see what's in the water with us.
Bearing 70 degrees, sir. Should be close.
Got something in view.
What is it, sir?
Full speed.
Full speed, sir?
I don't know how to explain this.
But it looks like the damn Loch Ness monster is in the water with us.
Sir, I'm sure it was just a branch or something.
Take a look for yourself.
I didn't think the stories were true.
What stories?
About the paddler.
Come again?
A story about the serpent that roams these waters.
I never thought them to be true.
Now you're telling me we have a lake serpent to deal with?
Well, sir, I didn't think you'd want to know about my degree in maritime archaeology.
Just like you wouldn't want to know about my PhD and calling people out on their own bullshit.
I know you don't have a degree in maritime archaeology.
Your degree was in mathematical theory.
Sir, the creature is closing. Fast.
Right rudder 30 degrees.
He is still following us.
Full stop.
Sir?
Full stop.
Sir?
It seems to be going away from us.
Sir, that was quite a risk.
We weren't going to outrun whatever it is.
I don't know how you do this, sir.
Take us home.
Quarter speed. Right rudder 30 degrees.
Sir, what do you want us to put in our reports?
Tell them that the submarine works fine.
What about the serpent?
Officer, if you want to include that in your report, make sure you write yours and my straightjacket size.
Sir?
Like my grandpappy always said, us assholes have to stick together.
I'm sure I'll find a way to omit that from the report.
You do that. You do just that.
All throughout the world, you will hear stories. Some that you might even believe.
This serpent has been spotted in the lake since 1940, and just about every other year sporadic sightings have been reported.
These sightings suggest that the paddler is indeed a reality.
But just like everything else, how can one be so sure that it's legit and not a lie?
How can one be so sure that it's legit and not something made up to attract tourists or just a big fish caught in a glare of light?
I'm sure that some OGA, other government agency, can tell you the truth.
But would you really want to know?
I mean, all I know is that we have heard and will continue to hear stories that will make you think.
I mean, some are real. Which ones though? I don't know. I'm a busy man.
Too busy to think, and my next job takes me to the McPike Mansion.
I've had it with potato peeling. Blech. I hope to see you there. Ha ha ha. Oh ho ho ho.
Everybody trying to change my ways, but I live just to see you break. I'm a sucker for adrenaline, every villain is.
You take the high road, I take the low. Everyone lies cause everyone knows.
Feels good to be, feels good to be, feels good to be a little bit bad.
Oh ho ho ho, a little bit blind. Feels good to be a little bit blind. I'll admit I'm a little bit wicked.
I belong in the grave I'm digging. I live like a villain is.
I come alive and I lose control. Everyone lies just to ease their soul.
Feels good to be, feels good to be, feels good to be a little bit bad. Oh ho ho ho, a little bit blind.
Baby, we're all monsters, just afraid to show our colors.
Feels good to be, feels good to be, feels good to be a little bit bad. Oh ho ho ho, a little bit blind.
Feels good to be a little bit bad. Soon Janitor, there will be blood.