WEBVTT 00:00:01.380 --> 00:00:05.559 I'm excited. We are live. Right on, man. How 00:00:05.559 --> 00:00:08.220 are you doing, Jay? I'm good. Johnny? I'm real 00:00:08.220 --> 00:00:10.460 good. It says Jay on the screen and it threw 00:00:10.460 --> 00:00:13.099 me. No, I apologize. How's everything going? 00:00:13.419 --> 00:00:16.920 Good. Good. We had a pretty eventful Mother's 00:00:16.920 --> 00:00:19.219 Day. We kept ourselves pretty busy, which is 00:00:19.219 --> 00:00:21.559 good. This Mother's Day was actually a little 00:00:21.559 --> 00:00:24.960 bit rough for me. Not every Mother's Day is as 00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:29.480 rough as this one was. Just kind of constant 00:00:29.480 --> 00:00:33.460 reminders. Yeah, and because of that like I put 00:00:33.460 --> 00:00:35.100 out a little video yesterday just kind of saying 00:00:35.100 --> 00:00:40.460 hey to just Reaching out to a mom. They can't 00:00:40.460 --> 00:00:42.799 hear me, but it felt good for me Well, that's 00:00:42.799 --> 00:00:44.820 why I was that's why I was asking to be fair. 00:00:45.179 --> 00:00:49.979 Yeah Like I feel you right I feel you on that 00:00:49.979 --> 00:00:51.740 one, you know, I mean, I'm gonna be wrong I have 00:00:51.740 --> 00:00:53.299 my mother at the same time my grandmother's on 00:00:53.299 --> 00:00:54.840 the way out and I feel and it's one of those 00:00:54.840 --> 00:00:57.920 things where we're we're we're not we're not 00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:00.280 we're not happy about it, but obviously especially 00:01:00.280 --> 00:01:01.759 because the way she's going my grandmother's 00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:05.319 currently in the in the latter stages of dementia 00:01:05.319 --> 00:01:08.719 slash Alzheimer's that's rough. She's yeah, and 00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:10.959 it's I had my I had my first experience at that 00:01:10.959 --> 00:01:13.079 my mother insisted I call her so I called her 00:01:13.079 --> 00:01:16.590 and It took her a good two minutes before she 00:01:16.590 --> 00:01:19.629 finally was like, Johnny? And I was like, yes. 00:01:19.890 --> 00:01:21.230 And that helped. I seemed to give her something 00:01:21.230 --> 00:01:24.230 to latch on to, but it was like, man. I was like, 00:01:24.329 --> 00:01:27.510 God bless. I'm not comparing. You were in the 00:01:27.510 --> 00:01:30.870 weeds there for a minute. I told my mother, I 00:01:30.870 --> 00:01:32.209 said, don't make me call her again like that. 00:01:32.370 --> 00:01:34.769 I really, I just, you know, being there is one 00:01:34.769 --> 00:01:39.780 thing, but man. No, I understand. I've had to 00:01:39.780 --> 00:01:42.780 talk to a couple people in my life that were, 00:01:43.019 --> 00:01:45.340 you know, just not all together, you know, in 00:01:45.340 --> 00:01:48.120 this realm of reality anymore. It's a certain 00:01:48.120 --> 00:01:49.700 point where you realize that it's a little bit 00:01:49.700 --> 00:01:52.359 selfish on your point to try to try to get them 00:01:52.359 --> 00:01:55.659 to latch something onto because, you know, they're 00:01:55.659 --> 00:01:57.579 swimming in their own thing and, you know, they 00:01:57.579 --> 00:01:59.099 may get a little frustrated with themselves, 00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:03.239 but, you know, we want that familiarity. We want 00:02:03.239 --> 00:02:08.219 that. But we went to my in -laws, which they're... 00:02:08.250 --> 00:02:11.210 actual delight. I love them to death. And we 00:02:11.210 --> 00:02:14.050 made a really, it's like one of the best damn 00:02:14.050 --> 00:02:15.569 chicken casseroles I think I've ever made in 00:02:15.569 --> 00:02:18.449 my life. That's awesome. We bought some gluten 00:02:18.449 --> 00:02:21.110 -free desserts that were good for Marley. We 00:02:21.110 --> 00:02:22.889 bought some non -gluten -free for her father 00:02:22.889 --> 00:02:25.150 because for him, he could just taste the difference. 00:02:25.229 --> 00:02:26.569 And we're like, all right, fair enough. You know, 00:02:26.710 --> 00:02:28.069 that's all right. We'll get you some gluten. 00:02:34.909 --> 00:02:38.169 Welcome to it's your loss podcast where raw stories 00:02:38.169 --> 00:02:40.909 of resilience and healing are told all while 00:02:40.909 --> 00:02:43.550 uncovering and destigmatizing the diverse symptoms 00:02:43.550 --> 00:02:49.370 of loss Welcome back to the podcast and if you 00:02:49.370 --> 00:02:52.509 missed last month's episode It's your loss. I 00:02:52.509 --> 00:02:55.669 am host Michael LeBlanc and I the very special 00:02:55.669 --> 00:02:57.509 guest with me today They're all gonna be very 00:02:57.509 --> 00:02:59.210 special guests if I have anything to say about 00:02:59.210 --> 00:03:04.840 it. We have Johnny Johnson Hello How are you? 00:03:05.319 --> 00:03:09.879 I'm good. Real good. You are a self -professor. 00:03:09.900 --> 00:03:14.599 Know it all. I am totally. You are a nerd. You 00:03:14.599 --> 00:03:18.840 are married. Let's just get all of it out there. 00:03:19.379 --> 00:03:25.259 Your social security number is like 614. I have 00:03:25.259 --> 00:03:29.379 a dog. I have a dog and cat. Nice. A pet dad. 00:03:30.639 --> 00:03:32.900 Yes, absolutely. Very much so. I'm also a real 00:03:32.900 --> 00:03:35.439 dad. My daughter's 19 and she's on her way to 00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:37.199 college. She's doing college -y stuff right now. 00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:41.639 What's she going to college for? She's actually 00:03:41.639 --> 00:03:43.879 switched majors. She wanted to be a radiology 00:03:43.879 --> 00:03:45.979 person and then she came to us one day in tears 00:03:45.979 --> 00:03:48.000 and she's like, I just wanted to do that for 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:49.659 the money, but I really want to be a teacher. 00:03:49.860 --> 00:03:51.580 And we're like, then be a teacher. Be a teacher. 00:03:52.310 --> 00:03:54.409 Whatever if that's in your heart you love and 00:03:54.409 --> 00:03:56.349 we know she loves kids She does vacation Bible 00:03:56.349 --> 00:03:57.870 school at church and she does she teaches swim 00:03:57.870 --> 00:03:59.870 to kids at the at a for a place called British 00:03:59.870 --> 00:04:03.330 swim school That's cool. And so she's loves that 00:04:03.330 --> 00:04:05.370 doing that stuff We're like we kind of knew you 00:04:05.370 --> 00:04:07.569 were you needed to do something with kids But 00:04:07.569 --> 00:04:09.949 if this yeah do it like do it if you want to 00:04:09.949 --> 00:04:11.870 be a teacher do it But was there ever a point 00:04:11.870 --> 00:04:13.930 like in closed doors, you're just looking at 00:04:13.930 --> 00:04:17.350 your wife. You're going radiology Really? We 00:04:17.350 --> 00:04:20.389 all the time because here's the thing She's terrible 00:04:20.389 --> 00:04:23.449 at math, but she again has, it's more, I think 00:04:23.449 --> 00:04:25.949 it was always about her heart for people and 00:04:25.949 --> 00:04:28.129 then eventually became her heart for kids. Cause 00:04:28.129 --> 00:04:29.449 even then she wanted to be like a pediatrician 00:04:29.449 --> 00:04:30.990 or something. And we were like, well then why 00:04:30.990 --> 00:04:33.589 don't you just, I mean, I get it, but like, you 00:04:33.589 --> 00:04:35.069 want to deal with kids, just be a teacher or 00:04:35.069 --> 00:04:36.819 something, you know? I think when I was young, 00:04:36.939 --> 00:04:39.139 I wanted to do a medical thing because of the 00:04:39.139 --> 00:04:41.019 fact that I do have compassion for people. I 00:04:41.019 --> 00:04:43.279 want to see people do better and maybe help them 00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:45.500 get better. But then like everything leading 00:04:45.500 --> 00:04:49.540 up to it and the darker, grittier side of healthcare, 00:04:49.879 --> 00:04:52.360 the politics of it, the older that I got, the 00:04:52.360 --> 00:04:54.860 more that I just realized I was like, maybe I'll 00:04:54.860 --> 00:04:56.939 become an architect. That didn't work either. 00:04:57.579 --> 00:04:59.620 No, I love it. He's like, I don't know why I 00:04:59.620 --> 00:05:01.939 do this. I'll do something else. Right on, man. 00:05:03.230 --> 00:05:05.050 Johnny, I don't know how much you know about 00:05:05.050 --> 00:05:08.730 the show. Maybe you've caught an episode or two 00:05:08.730 --> 00:05:11.029 just to kind of get familiar eyes, but this have 00:05:11.029 --> 00:05:16.889 this is a show about loss and grief and You know 00:05:16.889 --> 00:05:19.610 the way that people deal with it and the one 00:05:19.610 --> 00:05:21.689 thing that I've always wanted to do when I started 00:05:21.689 --> 00:05:25.230 this show Was to talk to people who not only 00:05:25.230 --> 00:05:28.470 lost people because that's gonna happen even 00:05:28.470 --> 00:05:31.509 if it's people that you don't talk to anymore, 00:05:31.670 --> 00:05:34.009 maybe you're a loner, people that have been in 00:05:34.009 --> 00:05:36.470 your life, they're gonna go away. Or you might 00:05:36.470 --> 00:05:38.930 go away first, who knows, but loss will happen. 00:05:39.089 --> 00:05:41.290 And I was like, but there's so much other kinds 00:05:41.290 --> 00:05:44.310 of loss. There's material loss, there's a station 00:05:44.310 --> 00:05:46.649 of life. I wanna talk to somebody who's lost 00:05:46.649 --> 00:05:49.189 a limb. I haven't had a chance to find somebody 00:05:49.189 --> 00:05:52.050 to do that yet, but I know that's gotta do, you 00:05:52.050 --> 00:05:55.480 know. some some backflips through the five stages 00:05:55.480 --> 00:05:58.000 and here I can imagine especially because you 00:05:58.000 --> 00:06:00.300 have ghost limbs and stuff sorry I'm sorry you 00:06:00.300 --> 00:06:03.000 suddenly got me massively like wow yeah I can 00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:04.540 only imagine like because you're right they have 00:06:04.540 --> 00:06:06.139 to deal with the actual physical loss but at 00:06:06.139 --> 00:06:07.720 the same time there's that whole idea of phantom 00:06:07.720 --> 00:06:10.060 limb where you're like you feel still technically 00:06:10.060 --> 00:06:11.980 a connection to that exactly it's not there anymore 00:06:11.980 --> 00:06:15.259 it's like ah and so like does that put you through 00:06:15.259 --> 00:06:17.699 like a little mid -spiral of the five stages 00:06:17.699 --> 00:06:20.519 when you feel it again you know I'm so interested 00:06:20.519 --> 00:06:24.290 and one day my missing limb will come and I will 00:06:24.290 --> 00:06:27.930 be able to do my interview. But you come along 00:06:27.930 --> 00:06:30.009 and you know, I asked you if you want to do it. 00:06:30.009 --> 00:06:33.350 You said yes. And we've come across the station 00:06:33.350 --> 00:06:36.750 or the identity, the station of life, a part 00:06:36.750 --> 00:06:40.990 of your personality that gets lost. And I don't 00:06:40.990 --> 00:06:46.810 want to bury the lead too much. So it says right 00:06:46.810 --> 00:06:49.329 there on all your socials that you are a recovering 00:06:49.329 --> 00:06:54.740 narcissist. Yes. And I didn't know where a show 00:06:54.740 --> 00:06:57.220 would come out of that until we sat down for 00:06:57.220 --> 00:06:59.759 five and 10 minute, you know, little technical 00:06:59.759 --> 00:07:03.220 thing. And I started to see it. And to be honest 00:07:03.220 --> 00:07:06.300 with you, I think there's gonna be a lot of similarities 00:07:06.300 --> 00:07:09.199 between other conversations I've had with how 00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:11.800 it happened when it first came to you, how you 00:07:11.800 --> 00:07:14.740 dealt with it and where you are now. I told my 00:07:14.740 --> 00:07:17.639 wife about our short little discussion because 00:07:17.639 --> 00:07:19.100 she was she was also like hey how'd it go and 00:07:19.100 --> 00:07:22.339 I said I'm I'm really I'm excited for this now 00:07:22.339 --> 00:07:24.399 because especially as you as I was mentioning 00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:26.019 things and you were pointing out oh that's like 00:07:26.019 --> 00:07:28.579 this I really had to think wow yeah he's right 00:07:28.579 --> 00:07:31.019 and and it's funny I had to deal with so many 00:07:31.019 --> 00:07:33.639 other issues at the time that I don't know that 00:07:33.639 --> 00:07:36.699 I ever processed that eyes that that's kind of 00:07:36.699 --> 00:07:39.420 similar to set that pattern or template of the 00:07:39.420 --> 00:07:41.779 five stages and things Part of the reason I did 00:07:41.779 --> 00:07:45.079 this show is because I was starting to see little 00:07:45.079 --> 00:07:48.079 flashes of the five stages and a lot of things 00:07:48.079 --> 00:07:50.360 that I've lost. And I'm a Buddhist, I'm not a 00:07:50.360 --> 00:07:52.480 great Buddhist, but I am a Buddhist. And one 00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:55.339 of the things that I struggle with is not becoming 00:07:55.339 --> 00:08:00.879 too attached to physical things. Before I really 00:08:00.879 --> 00:08:03.079 dove into it and started to think about what 00:08:03.079 --> 00:08:05.160 Buddhism meant to me, what material things meant 00:08:05.160 --> 00:08:09.160 to me, I was getting The the I was getting like 00:08:09.160 --> 00:08:11.759 really upset whenever I lost like anything I 00:08:11.759 --> 00:08:15.620 was cherishing all my my my possessions and I 00:08:15.620 --> 00:08:18.980 would Get to the point where like I would recognize 00:08:18.980 --> 00:08:21.339 bargaining as in well. Yeah, I lost this thing 00:08:21.339 --> 00:08:23.579 You know, I could just buy it again and I was 00:08:23.579 --> 00:08:25.879 like, I'll just get it one more time Yeah, it's 00:08:25.879 --> 00:08:28.300 okay. I could just I could just get it and then 00:08:28.300 --> 00:08:30.759 say I can't buy it again. Oh, I'm in depression 00:08:30.759 --> 00:08:36.539 now Again that so many things that we lose it 00:08:36.409 --> 00:08:42.649 sparks that journey. Let's get into it. Let's 00:08:42.649 --> 00:08:47.769 start with the first stage. And to do this properly, 00:08:48.129 --> 00:08:53.309 I want you to tell me that story you were telling 00:08:53.309 --> 00:08:56.230 me before. None of these people have heard it 00:08:56.230 --> 00:08:59.570 on when it was kind of just thrown in your face 00:08:59.570 --> 00:09:03.149 that you were a narcissist. Go for it. So I got 00:09:03.149 --> 00:09:05.269 married at a really young age, way younger than 00:09:05.269 --> 00:09:08.110 most people. I was like 19. It was stupid. It 00:09:08.110 --> 00:09:09.870 was done in the heat of emotions, as kids are. 00:09:10.149 --> 00:09:12.009 And we were married for all of about two years. 00:09:12.149 --> 00:09:15.029 And then she cheated on me and got pregnant by 00:09:15.029 --> 00:09:17.350 another guy. And I was trying my best to sort 00:09:17.350 --> 00:09:18.850 of figure. But there had been like all kinds 00:09:18.850 --> 00:09:20.669 of sneaking behind. And it's funny because that's 00:09:20.669 --> 00:09:22.110 not actually the stuff that matters. And by that 00:09:22.110 --> 00:09:25.700 I mean, when we talked... I was, cause she, cause 00:09:25.700 --> 00:09:28.139 she got pregnant and I was like, I was like, 00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:30.440 Hey man, it's okay. Not with you, but who she 00:09:30.440 --> 00:09:33.080 was. No, it's right. And I was like, Hey, I'm, 00:09:33.100 --> 00:09:34.879 I was like, look, I want to work on this. I want 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:37.039 to, you know, I've really felt like I had grown 00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:38.379 up in that kind of a family where you're supposed 00:09:38.379 --> 00:09:40.120 to work to work out problems and this and that 00:09:40.120 --> 00:09:41.860 and whatnot. And I was like, let's, let's figure 00:09:41.860 --> 00:09:44.019 this out. And she was very much like somebody 00:09:44.019 --> 00:09:45.659 else's baby and the whole thing. And then finally 00:09:45.659 --> 00:09:48.980 we were just so, I was trying so bad to use all 00:09:48.980 --> 00:09:51.639 of my manipulation tactics to try to keep the 00:09:51.639 --> 00:09:54.889 situation because she validated. things in me. 00:09:55.210 --> 00:09:57.149 And that's part of being a narcissist is finding 00:09:57.149 --> 00:09:59.070 people that validate those elements. And all 00:09:59.070 --> 00:10:01.389 of a sudden that wasn't happening. And by the 00:10:01.389 --> 00:10:04.129 very nature of cheating on me, that was somehow 00:10:04.129 --> 00:10:06.330 insulting to my sensibility as a narcissist. 00:10:06.330 --> 00:10:07.610 Like how could that have happened? But rather 00:10:07.610 --> 00:10:10.690 than being angry about it, I saw my grip on something 00:10:10.690 --> 00:10:13.509 that defined me slipping. And so I was trying 00:10:13.509 --> 00:10:16.169 my best to do all the things and it started to 00:10:16.169 --> 00:10:18.610 frustrate her and she just suddenly was like, 00:10:19.029 --> 00:10:20.929 you understand? And she just ripped into me and 00:10:20.929 --> 00:10:24.100 I'm standing in my garage. I'm just standing 00:10:24.100 --> 00:10:28.299 and as she's talking I stopped talking and I 00:10:28.299 --> 00:10:30.019 listened and I remember sitting there just kind 00:10:30.019 --> 00:10:32.799 of stunned and I was I was looking through her 00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:35.379 But I remember hearing everything and when it 00:10:35.379 --> 00:10:37.220 was all said and done. I remember I was kind 00:10:37.220 --> 00:10:40.360 of shell -shocked I was like, okay. Okay. I vaguely 00:10:40.360 --> 00:10:42.980 remember her saying I'm sorry as she left and 00:10:42.980 --> 00:10:44.720 I stood there It was actually my mom who came 00:10:44.720 --> 00:10:46.720 out and said are you okay? I said, I don't think 00:10:46.720 --> 00:10:49.059 so and I said can I just can you give me a little 00:10:49.059 --> 00:10:51.250 bit? He's gave me some space and so she went 00:10:51.250 --> 00:10:54.610 back inside. The issue for me wasn't that my 00:10:54.610 --> 00:10:57.509 ex -wife had offended me or upset me. It was 00:10:57.509 --> 00:11:00.850 that everything she said rang true. I did not 00:11:00.850 --> 00:11:03.230 know how to process that because I didn't have 00:11:03.230 --> 00:11:06.419 a name for any of it. And so I was very angry. 00:11:06.519 --> 00:11:09.539 I became very angry at women for a good year 00:11:09.539 --> 00:11:12.059 and a half. And finally, I wasn't happy being 00:11:12.059 --> 00:11:13.740 angry anymore. So a friend of mine suggested, 00:11:13.919 --> 00:11:16.340 why don't you go see a therapist? There was this, 00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:18.259 they call them faith -based therapists, but it's 00:11:18.259 --> 00:11:20.179 not a faith -based therapist. That person's not 00:11:20.179 --> 00:11:22.039 a Christian. They're someone who knows how to 00:11:22.039 --> 00:11:23.639 deal with Christian people, if that makes sense. 00:11:24.679 --> 00:11:27.620 And in fact, she was a very honest therapist 00:11:27.620 --> 00:11:29.279 who was like, just so we're all in the clear. 00:11:29.710 --> 00:11:32.970 i respect faith i have a faith i am not a person 00:11:32.970 --> 00:11:35.889 of faith i just know how to come at you that 00:11:35.889 --> 00:11:39.090 way and i remember i even said i sat down and 00:11:39.090 --> 00:11:40.909 i said well look first thing out the gate i just 00:11:40.909 --> 00:11:42.769 need you to know i think i'm smarter than you 00:11:42.769 --> 00:11:45.389 and i want to be open and i want you to know 00:11:45.389 --> 00:11:51.929 that so that i can't I don't want to manipulate 00:11:51.929 --> 00:11:53.470 my way through this, because one thing about 00:11:53.470 --> 00:11:55.730 me, as I'm very intelligent, I had to say, if 00:11:55.730 --> 00:11:58.029 I want to actually get anything out of this, 00:11:58.309 --> 00:12:00.690 I have to be real and raw, whatever that meant. 00:12:00.730 --> 00:12:02.230 And I didn't know what that meant at the time. 00:12:03.470 --> 00:12:05.009 And so these were one -on -one sessions. We did 00:12:05.009 --> 00:12:06.570 once a week. And it was about four or five weeks 00:12:06.570 --> 00:12:10.769 in. And I was having just a particularly emotional 00:12:10.769 --> 00:12:14.190 episode during the therapy session. And I forget 00:12:14.190 --> 00:12:16.009 what exactly we were talking about, but I was 00:12:16.009 --> 00:12:17.309 frustrated. And I was like, well, why do you 00:12:17.309 --> 00:12:18.730 think, why does this happen to blah, blah, blah? 00:12:18.870 --> 00:12:20.429 And she just kind of sat there for a second. 00:12:20.830 --> 00:12:22.090 And she had been writing some notes. She put 00:12:22.090 --> 00:12:26.649 it down. And she said, Johnny, you're a narcissist. 00:12:27.389 --> 00:12:30.120 I felt like she'd slapped me. It was right at 00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:32.059 the end of our session, so it was even worse. 00:12:32.379 --> 00:12:33.860 And she's like, we'll talk about it next week. 00:12:34.000 --> 00:12:36.419 So I had to sit on that for a week. Same bad 00:12:36.419 --> 00:12:39.559 time, same bad channel. Yeah, yeah. My goodness. 00:12:40.340 --> 00:12:42.399 It was rough. It was just coming to that conclusion. 00:12:42.519 --> 00:12:45.879 Eventually, I came back and I was like, well, 00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:48.080 let's say you're right. What does that mean? 00:12:48.159 --> 00:12:49.940 Like, what does that actually mean to me? And 00:12:49.940 --> 00:12:51.779 then again, I'm intelligent, I did look things 00:12:51.779 --> 00:12:54.179 up, but the internet wasn't as much as it is 00:12:54.179 --> 00:12:56.000 today. Back then it was, you know, I'm gonna 00:12:56.000 --> 00:12:58.419 download my Dragon Ball desktop, I'm gonna leave 00:12:58.419 --> 00:13:00.039 for an hour while it's doing that, you know what 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:01.879 I mean? And it might be done by the time you 00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:05.419 get back. No, for real, for real. And so, I was 00:13:05.419 --> 00:13:06.960 able to look some things up, and obviously I 00:13:06.960 --> 00:13:08.820 had the library, and I looked at some different 00:13:08.820 --> 00:13:10.720 things and whatnot. So I understood the concept, 00:13:11.460 --> 00:13:13.179 and I even told her up front, I said, I'm having 00:13:13.179 --> 00:13:18.610 difficulty with this. Mainly because I I thought 00:13:18.610 --> 00:13:22.070 I was generous. I'm open. I'm let me tell you 00:13:22.070 --> 00:13:26.490 all the good things about me And not to mention 00:13:26.490 --> 00:13:29.090 I had grown up in a house as a person of faith 00:13:29.090 --> 00:13:31.529 and I'm like, how can I be as a Christian? How 00:13:31.529 --> 00:13:33.470 can I be a narcissist? It doesn't make sense. 00:13:33.470 --> 00:13:36.149 I'm like, come on really well that right there 00:13:36.149 --> 00:13:38.870 I mean that's that's gotta be textbook denial 00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:42.080 Like, you're trying to validate your existence 00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:44.100 by holding it against everything else that you 00:13:44.100 --> 00:13:46.019 know that's around you. Like, how could I be 00:13:46.019 --> 00:13:50.519 this? I'm this. There's something to be said 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:54.960 for at least taking the time to, you know, research. 00:13:55.139 --> 00:13:57.580 You know, was she right when she told you that? 00:13:57.740 --> 00:13:59.340 Which by the way, I want to touch on, you know, 00:13:59.539 --> 00:14:02.320 faith -based therapy. It turns out that the person 00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:04.399 who I went to therapy with for the first time 00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:07.740 that I went to therapy, they were also in that 00:14:07.740 --> 00:14:10.399 part of faith -based. And yeah, it wasn't that 00:14:10.399 --> 00:14:12.360 they brought their faith into it. She was like, 00:14:12.500 --> 00:14:15.700 how do you reconcile being the person that you 00:14:15.700 --> 00:14:19.159 are and having these things and having these 00:14:19.159 --> 00:14:20.980 people and living the life that you are in the 00:14:20.980 --> 00:14:24.179 middle of America? Practice Buddhism. And I'm 00:14:24.179 --> 00:14:31.220 like, practice is a strong word there. I appreciated 00:14:31.220 --> 00:14:33.279 her bringing that up because she didn't bring 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:36.179 it up in every session. If she thought it was 00:14:36.179 --> 00:14:41.340 pertinent. So if anybody ever stumbles across 00:14:41.340 --> 00:14:44.250 faith -based therapy, don't shy from it. No, 00:14:44.289 --> 00:14:46.049 my therapist was good at that I remember I was 00:14:46.049 --> 00:14:48.970 very I was very hard on myself in the early stages 00:14:48.970 --> 00:14:50.809 of all this and when I was on the own on ones 00:14:50.809 --> 00:14:53.210 because eventually she she switched me over to 00:14:53.210 --> 00:14:56.269 her she had a group therapy for Attics and her 00:14:56.269 --> 00:14:58.330 thought process was we should approach it that 00:14:58.330 --> 00:15:01.460 way mainly because of how I was just certain 00:15:01.460 --> 00:15:03.299 behavior patterns I was showing in this whole 00:15:03.299 --> 00:15:04.879 thing, she was like, why don't we approach it 00:15:04.879 --> 00:15:06.899 that way? Because she actually used the phrase, 00:15:06.919 --> 00:15:08.879 do you want to recover from this? And I remember 00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:10.419 thinking to myself, what does that mean, recover 00:15:10.419 --> 00:15:14.220 from it? And so she optioned for that. But there 00:15:14.220 --> 00:15:15.919 was a couple of times during our one -on -ones 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:19.500 when she would say, Well, you're being really 00:15:19.500 --> 00:15:23.820 harsh. Doesn't the word say to forgive? Why should 00:15:23.820 --> 00:15:25.700 we forgive others out there, but why aren't you 00:15:25.700 --> 00:15:28.259 doing any of the forgiving inwardly? And I remember 00:15:28.259 --> 00:15:30.019 you said that would be like, shut up. You don't 00:15:30.019 --> 00:15:32.759 know nothing. You know what I mean? You just 00:15:32.759 --> 00:15:34.500 don't want to hear that stuff. You're like, I 00:15:34.500 --> 00:15:37.019 want to be mad. I want to justify my being angry 00:15:37.019 --> 00:15:39.440 at all this. I mean, that pretty much touches 00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:43.419 the denial right there. So you go into the group 00:15:43.419 --> 00:15:47.820 therapy, right? How long did you do that? So 00:15:47.820 --> 00:15:50.419 it was all in about four years, which sounds 00:15:50.419 --> 00:15:53.539 crazy, but I was getting so much in terms of 00:15:53.539 --> 00:15:58.860 learning about myself and And it's so funny because 00:15:58.860 --> 00:16:01.019 and I had given her permission to call me out 00:16:01.019 --> 00:16:02.919 on things if she saw it because I'm You kind 00:16:02.919 --> 00:16:04.480 of have to go backward a little bit to how you 00:16:04.480 --> 00:16:06.360 get I got there when I was a kid growing up I 00:16:06.360 --> 00:16:08.600 was always the fat kid I hit six feet tall at 00:16:08.600 --> 00:16:10.919 fifth grade My class picture is me standing next 00:16:10.919 --> 00:16:13.240 to the teacher and people think in the picture 00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:14.980 that I was that's like the assistant teacher 00:16:14.980 --> 00:16:18.700 or something like the Yeah, for real, for real. 00:16:18.899 --> 00:16:21.820 And when you're that fifth grade, you're that 00:16:21.820 --> 00:16:24.419 size, and everyone else is significantly smaller, 00:16:24.899 --> 00:16:27.419 it immediately puts a light that this is in high 00:16:27.419 --> 00:16:29.700 school. When you're at that age, it's awkward. 00:16:29.820 --> 00:16:31.759 It's weird. And people treat it that way. And 00:16:31.759 --> 00:16:34.000 so I'm being bullied by kids. And so one, I had 00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:36.659 to start liking myself a lot. And I had to really 00:16:36.659 --> 00:16:39.519 embrace that. And I studied books on psychology. 00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:41.059 I studied because I wanted to make people like 00:16:41.059 --> 00:16:43.919 me. And part of those things, you have to understand 00:16:43.919 --> 00:16:46.899 what you're trying to sell, so to speak. And 00:16:46.899 --> 00:16:48.460 that was actually a lot of how the approach happened. 00:16:48.460 --> 00:16:50.559 And so little by little, I begin drinking my 00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:52.059 own Kool -Aid, if you will, in terms of, yeah, 00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:53.840 no, look how great I am. I'm worth being a friend 00:16:53.840 --> 00:16:56.600 with. And I jokingly used to say, I was the guy 00:16:56.600 --> 00:16:58.519 who was the friend of the girl. And when she 00:16:58.519 --> 00:17:00.600 broke up with the guy, or she would come cry 00:17:00.600 --> 00:17:02.759 on my shoulder, and then ultimately we'd have 00:17:02.759 --> 00:17:05.740 a relationship. And so little by little, life 00:17:05.740 --> 00:17:08.509 became a manipulation. And then you start seeing, 00:17:08.750 --> 00:17:11.029 oh, well, look, see, I am valid. These people 00:17:11.029 --> 00:17:14.589 do like me. And then it became I'm smarter than 00:17:14.589 --> 00:17:17.190 everyone. It doesn't help. And I hate this part 00:17:17.190 --> 00:17:18.869 because this part always comes across conceited. 00:17:19.049 --> 00:17:20.849 I have an IQ of about 180. But it's not what 00:17:20.849 --> 00:17:23.250 you think. By that, I mean everyone equates that 00:17:23.250 --> 00:17:25.029 to, oh, well, why aren't you Einstein or whatever? 00:17:25.309 --> 00:17:28.250 It's not that kind of intelligence. It's I process 00:17:28.250 --> 00:17:31.549 information fast. Right. So if I'm exposed to 00:17:31.549 --> 00:17:32.450 information, I can process it quickly. It's not 00:17:32.450 --> 00:17:35.450 that you know everything. Which everybody tends 00:17:35.450 --> 00:17:37.329 to think that it's like you were pre -programmed 00:17:37.329 --> 00:17:40.990 with knowledge. That's not an IQ. No, I just 00:17:40.990 --> 00:17:43.390 process information really quickly. So getting 00:17:43.390 --> 00:17:46.019 people to like me suddenly became... You know, 00:17:46.079 --> 00:17:47.859 you'd be better off doing something this way, 00:17:47.960 --> 00:17:49.980 but I don't know how to tell you that, so I'm 00:17:49.980 --> 00:17:52.700 just gonna help you in that direction. And you 00:17:52.700 --> 00:17:54.819 start manipulating people. And that manipulation 00:17:54.819 --> 00:17:57.319 suddenly becomes, I'm better than, I'm smarter 00:17:57.319 --> 00:17:59.700 than, and then looking down at people and their 00:17:59.700 --> 00:18:02.700 ideas are suddenly not the greatest ideas, and 00:18:02.700 --> 00:18:05.099 you start having this negative outlook toward 00:18:05.099 --> 00:18:07.440 everybody, but everybody should look at me as 00:18:07.440 --> 00:18:11.529 being great. It didn't help that because of my 00:18:11.529 --> 00:18:14.450 IQ I was able to learn, I learned skills fast. 00:18:14.609 --> 00:18:17.730 I was able to, I used to sit in the mirror as 00:18:17.730 --> 00:18:21.170 a kid and I know everything my face is doing 00:18:21.170 --> 00:18:23.609 all the time. I know what the expressions are, 00:18:23.710 --> 00:18:25.849 I know what it feels like, I understand how it 00:18:25.849 --> 00:18:28.329 looks, and I know what my best side is, if you 00:18:28.329 --> 00:18:32.069 will. So now fast forward to therapy. So I'm 00:18:32.069 --> 00:18:35.150 in this group of, as far as I'm concerned, a 00:18:35.150 --> 00:18:38.250 whole lot of less -thens. I'm like, I know that 00:18:38.250 --> 00:18:40.410 I have an issue, but I'm constantly in this and 00:18:40.410 --> 00:18:42.549 I don't have that issue I don't have that issue 00:18:42.549 --> 00:18:44.950 and these are by the way This is a mix of people 00:18:44.950 --> 00:18:47.470 with narcotics anonymous people alcohol anonymous 00:18:47.470 --> 00:18:50.269 people people who have varying addictions It 00:18:50.269 --> 00:18:52.470 wasn't almost nobody was like me. Everybody had 00:18:52.470 --> 00:18:54.730 a form of addiction. This was an addictions group 00:18:54.730 --> 00:18:58.109 Because there was a psychological experiment 00:18:58.109 --> 00:19:02.980 that you were brought in No, it was in her mentality. 00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:04.460 She wrote a book about it later, not with about 00:19:04.460 --> 00:19:06.779 me, but in general about how the idea is the 00:19:06.779 --> 00:19:09.559 commonalities of addict mentality. Actually, 00:19:09.680 --> 00:19:11.359 she didn't mention me by name because I asked 00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:14.420 her not to, but she does mention that narcissism 00:19:14.420 --> 00:19:17.460 is potentially an addictive behavior because 00:19:17.460 --> 00:19:19.180 of what it does and gives you in the endorphin 00:19:19.180 --> 00:19:20.660 rush. There are a lot of similar things that 00:19:20.660 --> 00:19:22.279 happen in the brain for narcissists that happen 00:19:22.279 --> 00:19:24.920 with people who use drugs or alcohol. Do you 00:19:24.920 --> 00:19:26.519 happen to know the name of the book? Oh my gosh, 00:19:26.599 --> 00:19:31.150 I used to. It was like that. No, it was like 00:19:31.150 --> 00:19:33.769 I think it was like it was like out of the darkness 00:19:33.769 --> 00:19:36.910 or something Okay, it was a yeah, I'll look it 00:19:36.910 --> 00:19:39.890 up if you if you find it We'll put it right here 00:19:39.890 --> 00:19:43.089 because that would be wild for other people to 00:19:43.089 --> 00:19:46.789 to read that Yeah, she was really I like man. 00:19:46.809 --> 00:19:49.309 She was great. And I think she still like practices 00:19:49.309 --> 00:19:50.710 like loose I don't think she does it officially 00:19:50.710 --> 00:19:52.470 she used to be like much more involved with it 00:19:52.470 --> 00:19:54.470 and whatnot, but now she's kind of retired But 00:19:54.470 --> 00:19:57.369 so in that group setting I would look and see 00:19:57.369 --> 00:20:00.529 everybody with their various things. And there 00:20:00.529 --> 00:20:04.269 would be moments in it where I would start trying 00:20:04.269 --> 00:20:06.390 to get people to talk and open up. And I would 00:20:06.390 --> 00:20:09.130 be trying to manipulate people. And she would 00:20:09.130 --> 00:20:11.829 call me out. She would be like, first, stop doing 00:20:11.829 --> 00:20:14.589 that. Second, this is my group. And you need 00:20:14.589 --> 00:20:16.369 to understand that. And I would be like, you're 00:20:16.369 --> 00:20:17.670 right. And everybody started to understand what 00:20:17.670 --> 00:20:19.490 my deal was. And that's really why I was there 00:20:19.490 --> 00:20:21.390 so long is because I had to really get out of 00:20:21.390 --> 00:20:24.940 my. So I imagine now with a like group setting, 00:20:25.299 --> 00:20:27.180 you see that thing, everybody sees it in shows 00:20:27.180 --> 00:20:29.259 and movies. It's like, hi, my name is, and I 00:20:29.259 --> 00:20:32.519 am. So did you do that as well? Like, and just 00:20:32.519 --> 00:20:35.619 let everybody know why you were, wow. Yeah. And 00:20:35.619 --> 00:20:37.680 everyone, and it's so funny because I felt stupid 00:20:37.680 --> 00:20:40.400 because it is exactly how it looks. You say, 00:20:40.519 --> 00:20:43.779 Hey, uh, my name is Johnny. Uh, I am a narcissist. 00:20:43.940 --> 00:20:45.380 And I would have said just like that. And she 00:20:45.380 --> 00:20:48.900 said, don't minimize. And I was like, fine. I'm 00:20:48.900 --> 00:20:51.119 a narcissist. Cause I was all like, I was like, 00:20:52.279 --> 00:20:55.680 Right. And it's so funny because everyone then 00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:59.759 in concert, hi, John. And I was like, I remember 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:03.059 thinking to myself, the stories are true. Yeah. 00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:04.880 I was thinking to myself, this is so stupid. 00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:08.559 So I mean, that's forward. That's got to bring 00:21:08.559 --> 00:21:11.480 you like moments of frustration, especially, 00:21:11.559 --> 00:21:13.480 you know, during those times when you were first 00:21:13.480 --> 00:21:15.819 brought into it, you know, and, you know, she's 00:21:15.819 --> 00:21:17.240 calling you out on your shit and everything. 00:21:17.400 --> 00:21:20.220 How much anger were you holding on or letting 00:21:20.220 --> 00:21:23.650 go of? during that time? There were a couple 00:21:23.650 --> 00:21:25.890 of, um, she, she had to ask me to step out a 00:21:25.890 --> 00:21:29.490 couple of times. Really? Yeah. It was mainly 00:21:29.490 --> 00:21:31.690 because one of the tactics I would use to manipulate 00:21:31.690 --> 00:21:35.430 people was in genuine relatability. So let's 00:21:35.430 --> 00:21:36.829 say you're telling me something about what you're 00:21:36.829 --> 00:21:39.450 going through. I would either make up a scenario 00:21:39.450 --> 00:21:41.210 that was really close to what you're dealing 00:21:41.210 --> 00:21:45.390 with to empathize, or I would actually have find 00:21:45.390 --> 00:21:48.150 something that maybe wasn't exactly and try to 00:21:48.150 --> 00:21:51.140 give it a weird tangential connection. And she 00:21:51.140 --> 00:21:52.559 would call me out and be like, so if you want 00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:55.660 to empathize, then just plain empathize. Just 00:21:55.660 --> 00:21:58.079 be able to say, look, I'm sorry, I can't imagine 00:21:58.079 --> 00:22:00.380 what you're going through, but it sounds like 00:22:00.380 --> 00:22:03.779 it sucks. And that was so weird to me because 00:22:03.779 --> 00:22:05.900 nobody liked me for my thoughts and opinions. 00:22:05.960 --> 00:22:07.839 And when I was younger, why would they care now? 00:22:07.940 --> 00:22:10.299 I have to be this person that people think I 00:22:10.299 --> 00:22:12.599 am. I can't just be whoever, because I didn't 00:22:12.599 --> 00:22:15.960 know who me was. It was odd, and so little by 00:22:15.960 --> 00:22:18.400 little, I started feeling who I was slipping 00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:21.660 away, and that became really scary. I remember 00:22:21.660 --> 00:22:23.019 there were times I would be like, I have to, 00:22:23.019 --> 00:22:24.539 I have to go. And then she would correct me, 00:22:24.539 --> 00:22:25.759 and I'd go out there, and she would come out, 00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:27.240 and she was like, I'm sorry, did I do something? 00:22:27.240 --> 00:22:29.359 And I was like, no, no, no, you understand. And 00:22:29.359 --> 00:22:31.039 she was the one that had to tell me, it was, 00:22:31.039 --> 00:22:33.240 he was slipping. Whoever he was, the other me 00:22:33.240 --> 00:22:36.160 was going away. And I was like, where is he going? 00:22:36.279 --> 00:22:39.160 I'm not safe without that. You know, and that 00:22:39.160 --> 00:22:43.839 was a, yeah, it was. I haven't touched that in 00:22:43.839 --> 00:22:51.019 a minute. I can relate in the way of letting 00:22:51.019 --> 00:22:54.519 go of the person who I was in my first relationship, 00:22:54.660 --> 00:22:58.279 my first marriage, and learning how to be a genuine 00:22:58.279 --> 00:23:00.980 person. Because I'm not going to lie, looking 00:23:00.980 --> 00:23:03.880 back at younger me, I was pulling the same moves 00:23:03.880 --> 00:23:09.730 you were. I wanted to always be on the top of 00:23:09.730 --> 00:23:12.730 an argument. I felt that my opinions were going 00:23:12.730 --> 00:23:15.849 to be more helpful. And then looking back on 00:23:15.849 --> 00:23:17.589 the way that we were living life, I'll be honest 00:23:17.589 --> 00:23:21.609 with you, I had no room to talk. We were only 00:23:21.609 --> 00:23:24.369 basically just floating along. And then the moment 00:23:24.369 --> 00:23:28.730 that I wanted to do something different, she 00:23:28.730 --> 00:23:31.069 was like, this isn't the person that I want to 00:23:31.069 --> 00:23:35.990 be with. And she went her own way. Our relationship, 00:23:37.220 --> 00:23:39.980 Broke horribly at that point and I've talked 00:23:39.980 --> 00:23:43.200 about this before back in season one where I 00:23:43.200 --> 00:23:45.859 was talking about There was a lot of bargaining 00:23:45.859 --> 00:23:48.940 in my part of the relationship and I was like, 00:23:49.000 --> 00:23:50.779 oh we could definitely make this work I mean, 00:23:50.779 --> 00:23:54.579 it sounds like you think yeah Fine we can make 00:23:54.579 --> 00:23:57.359 this we want to be poly. Well, whatever let's 00:23:57.359 --> 00:24:01.140 do that, but After I got into the relationship 00:24:01.140 --> 00:24:04.339 that I am now and I realized what it's like to 00:24:04.339 --> 00:24:08.839 be with somebody who pushes back equally, if 00:24:08.839 --> 00:24:12.420 not more than I do, with how she sees things, 00:24:12.640 --> 00:24:15.000 but not because she wants to be right, but because 00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:18.599 she wants the friction. That did so much for 00:24:18.599 --> 00:24:23.059 me to kind of scrub away that kind of person 00:24:23.059 --> 00:24:27.079 that I thought relationships needed. And so, 00:24:27.579 --> 00:24:30.890 and dude, I went through an emotional wild. fire. 00:24:31.130 --> 00:24:33.990 It was, there was sadness, anger. I went through, 00:24:34.130 --> 00:24:36.069 I think I probably went through this list at 00:24:36.069 --> 00:24:37.890 least like six or seven times while I was trying 00:24:37.890 --> 00:24:40.609 to figure myself out. I can't imagine doing that 00:24:40.609 --> 00:24:44.609 in a room while everybody's trying to construct 00:24:44.609 --> 00:24:46.490 and deconstruct themselves. You know what I'm 00:24:46.490 --> 00:24:49.809 saying? That is wild. Once I got kind of past 00:24:49.809 --> 00:24:52.490 that rough early stage, I would say about the 00:24:52.490 --> 00:24:55.720 midway through year two. I began to really use 00:24:55.720 --> 00:24:57.759 the group for what it's meant to be used for, 00:24:57.960 --> 00:25:00.599 which is getting that point of real relatability, 00:25:01.099 --> 00:25:04.099 where I would see somebody, they'd be talking 00:25:04.099 --> 00:25:07.319 about a substance, but they would describe what 00:25:07.319 --> 00:25:09.500 it felt like for them, oh, that stuff felt really 00:25:09.500 --> 00:25:11.559 great, and it's this huge high, and endorphins, 00:25:11.859 --> 00:25:14.180 and I remember thinking to myself, you know, 00:25:14.299 --> 00:25:16.200 when I would manipulate people, and they would 00:25:16.200 --> 00:25:19.380 go the way I wanted it to go, it was amazing. 00:25:19.899 --> 00:25:22.559 I was just like, yeah, see, aren't you happier 00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:25.440 now? Because you listened, of course. And by 00:25:25.440 --> 00:25:27.180 that point, my therapist had to actually pull 00:25:27.180 --> 00:25:29.140 things out of me. Because she realized I had 00:25:29.140 --> 00:25:30.359 kind of turned a corner, and at that point, I 00:25:30.359 --> 00:25:32.980 was trying to just absorb. But she would see 00:25:32.980 --> 00:25:35.420 in my face that something, she would say, John, 00:25:35.539 --> 00:25:38.160 it looks like something hit you just then. And 00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:40.099 I'd be like, well, yeah, everybody is funny. 00:25:40.180 --> 00:25:42.240 They started then support being like, no, no, 00:25:42.240 --> 00:25:44.099 it's okay. You're not you're not being that way. 00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:46.220 You're because I started being real timid. Like, 00:25:46.380 --> 00:25:49.660 do I am I am I being that way? Am I being real 00:25:49.660 --> 00:25:52.859 right now? You know, and then and about your 00:25:52.859 --> 00:25:57.559 three, I discovered existing. Yeah. You know, 00:25:57.700 --> 00:25:59.700 it's like, it's so you know, you like my insights, 00:25:59.720 --> 00:26:02.660 because they're just okay, whatever. And but 00:26:02.660 --> 00:26:04.839 I remember about your three, I had a different 00:26:05.700 --> 00:26:10.339 Turn and it was I realized I got a lot more by 00:26:10.339 --> 00:26:13.759 giving other people value and I stopped trying 00:26:13.759 --> 00:26:17.539 to Convince people who I was and of my value 00:26:17.539 --> 00:26:19.640 and started kind of just saying hey, you know 00:26:19.640 --> 00:26:23.079 what? You're awesome. Like you're great, you 00:26:23.079 --> 00:26:24.960 know, so what you don't do anything that I do 00:26:24.960 --> 00:26:27.640 who cares I don't do anything you do let's get 00:26:27.640 --> 00:26:29.240 into what you're about You know, I mean, how 00:26:29.240 --> 00:26:31.119 do you approach stuff? And why do you do the 00:26:31.119 --> 00:26:33.339 things you do and how are you put together and 00:26:33.339 --> 00:26:36.940 that suddenly became? whole different world and 00:26:36.940 --> 00:26:39.759 people's people started to show me they appreciated 00:26:39.759 --> 00:26:44.079 me for me and Me for who I was and that was such 00:26:44.079 --> 00:26:46.759 an it was yes But then it became it was such 00:26:46.759 --> 00:26:49.660 a weird like imposter syndrome set in hard and 00:26:49.660 --> 00:26:52.140 it just like because I was always feeling like 00:26:52.319 --> 00:26:54.359 I don't know if I deserve, you know, I don't 00:26:54.359 --> 00:26:56.819 know if I deserve all that, but all right. And 00:26:56.819 --> 00:26:59.420 I stopped, like we almost had to go the opposite 00:26:59.420 --> 00:27:01.559 direction where she had to say, no, it's okay 00:27:01.559 --> 00:27:05.539 for you to be loved, be appreciated, have people 00:27:05.539 --> 00:27:08.240 treat you, you know, positively. And this is 00:27:08.240 --> 00:27:10.539 the good side of what you, how things used to 00:27:10.539 --> 00:27:12.859 be, you know? And if people wait till people 00:27:12.859 --> 00:27:15.099 ask you for your advice and don't you give them, 00:27:15.220 --> 00:27:16.940 give it to them genuinely. I remember for the 00:27:16.940 --> 00:27:19.079 longest time I would self -regulate. I would, 00:27:19.119 --> 00:27:20.980 cause they were, cause when you're a narcissist, 00:27:21.319 --> 00:27:23.359 lying is very second nature. Like it's just, 00:27:23.720 --> 00:27:25.460 it's a, and I would literally start for the early, 00:27:25.460 --> 00:27:26.859 the early days and once in a while I'll still 00:27:26.859 --> 00:27:29.859 do it. I'll say something and just first thing 00:27:29.859 --> 00:27:32.000 out of my mouth, I'll blurt it and go, I'm sorry. 00:27:32.400 --> 00:27:34.980 I just lied to you. That's not true. What I just 00:27:34.980 --> 00:27:37.539 said is not true. And now it comes off to people 00:27:37.539 --> 00:27:40.079 now like, Oh, you just miss from you forgot it 00:27:40.079 --> 00:27:42.500 or misthought. But the truth is in my head, that 00:27:42.500 --> 00:27:44.700 was an old behavior. Spit something out of my 00:27:44.700 --> 00:27:47.539 mouth just because of years of my childhood like 00:27:47.539 --> 00:27:49.599 structured. It's in there and once it does it 00:27:49.599 --> 00:27:51.759 slips out That would be like, oh, yeah, totally, 00:27:52.000 --> 00:27:53.680 you know, like I have this and this and I'd be 00:27:53.680 --> 00:27:57.099 like, no, that's not all the truth Why I said 00:27:57.099 --> 00:27:59.180 that kind of like that thing what we do we try 00:27:59.180 --> 00:28:01.819 to fit in with our friend groups Especially if 00:28:01.819 --> 00:28:03.940 we're new in the friend groups and they say something 00:28:03.940 --> 00:28:05.660 along the lines is like you've seen such -and 00:28:05.660 --> 00:28:08.319 -such show or oh my god I love this band and 00:28:08.319 --> 00:28:11.779 you're like Yeah, I love that band too. You're 00:28:11.779 --> 00:28:13.680 spending the next two days going, what songs 00:28:13.680 --> 00:28:15.519 do they sing? You know, just to try to - Who 00:28:15.519 --> 00:28:17.319 are this group? Exactly, why do I know them? 00:28:18.380 --> 00:28:23.039 Oh man, I messed up the biggest chance to really 00:28:23.039 --> 00:28:25.380 kind of just have like a little fling relationship 00:28:25.380 --> 00:28:29.339 while I was in, I was 12th grade. getting ready 00:28:29.339 --> 00:28:31.799 for the Navy. I was probably in the best like 00:28:31.799 --> 00:28:34.180 shape of my life at that point as far as like 00:28:34.180 --> 00:28:37.299 muscle mass and slimness. And so this stroke 00:28:37.299 --> 00:28:39.980 up this conversation with this really cool chick 00:28:39.980 --> 00:28:42.880 and she was like, Hey, do you know drops of Jupiter, 00:28:43.480 --> 00:28:47.200 which is a song by train? And I went, and I went, 00:28:47.579 --> 00:28:50.950 Yeah, man, I love all their songs. And she was 00:28:50.950 --> 00:28:52.410 like, cause you thought that was the name of 00:28:52.410 --> 00:28:54.849 the band? Yep. And I was like, Oh man, any, anything 00:28:54.849 --> 00:28:57.410 to get this, this chick to go like have a Wetzel's 00:28:57.410 --> 00:28:59.190 pretzel with me at the mall. You know, I was 00:28:59.190 --> 00:29:03.049 like, I was ready to say yes to anything. We, 00:29:03.230 --> 00:29:06.289 we, the conversation flatlined after that. Yeah. 00:29:06.289 --> 00:29:10.269 That was, that was risk taken. And I was, I did 00:29:10.269 --> 00:29:15.309 not calculate that well. So let me, let me talk 00:29:15.309 --> 00:29:19.009 or ask about the Johnny that wasn't in the group. 00:29:19.420 --> 00:29:22.000 at that point, because when you're in therapy, 00:29:22.900 --> 00:29:24.960 it's really easy to focus on the things that 00:29:24.960 --> 00:29:27.039 you should do because you have people there guiding 00:29:27.039 --> 00:29:28.819 you. You're surrounded by, especially if you're 00:29:28.819 --> 00:29:30.339 doing group, you're surrounded by people who 00:29:30.339 --> 00:29:31.779 are supposed to be putting in the work as well. 00:29:31.980 --> 00:29:35.089 What about... the Johnny who wasn't in therapy. 00:29:35.210 --> 00:29:38.650 How was he dealing with life? So I immediately 00:29:38.650 --> 00:29:40.549 threw myself back more into my faith. I was going 00:29:40.549 --> 00:29:43.869 to church with my parents and I had gotten really 00:29:43.869 --> 00:29:46.309 involved in my job and I was really kind of, 00:29:46.369 --> 00:29:47.650 not that I wasn't involved in my job, but I mean 00:29:47.650 --> 00:29:49.589 like I really, really like I was working late 00:29:49.589 --> 00:29:52.690 because it was just me at that point. I was not 00:29:52.690 --> 00:29:54.670 in a relationship of any kind. Which is probably 00:29:54.670 --> 00:29:56.970 a good thing at that point for the deconstruction, 00:29:57.109 --> 00:29:59.440 reconstruction phase that you were in. Yes, no, 00:29:59.460 --> 00:30:02.759 for sure. And I actually, it's so funny that 00:30:02.759 --> 00:30:06.180 you mentioned, because again, my whole life, 00:30:06.180 --> 00:30:07.700 it's a spiral, man. I don't know how far you 00:30:07.700 --> 00:30:10.299 wanna go down this road. It's a spiral, brother. 00:30:13.339 --> 00:30:16.579 I met a girl through a friend. I had some friends 00:30:16.579 --> 00:30:18.539 I'd known back in the day who suddenly crossed 00:30:18.539 --> 00:30:21.660 my paths again. And they used to tell me, they're 00:30:21.660 --> 00:30:22.740 like, oh yeah, we thought you were full of crap 00:30:22.740 --> 00:30:24.039 back in the day, whatever else. And I was like, 00:30:24.079 --> 00:30:25.319 oh, it's fine. And so I started hanging out with 00:30:25.319 --> 00:30:30.059 them. And so I met this girl through them, her 00:30:30.059 --> 00:30:32.539 name was Erica, and so she ended up being my 00:30:32.539 --> 00:30:36.619 second wife. And we had started talking, and 00:30:36.619 --> 00:30:39.299 I remember being very upfront with her about 00:30:39.299 --> 00:30:42.220 who I was. I was like, look, I don't even know, 00:30:42.299 --> 00:30:43.579 she was going to college, I said, I don't even 00:30:43.579 --> 00:30:44.740 know if I'm supposed to, because I'm handling 00:30:44.740 --> 00:30:46.000 this like an addict, I'm not supposed to be getting 00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:49.069 into relationships and stuff yet. But I was very 00:30:49.069 --> 00:30:51.609 upfront because I wanted her to know. I was trying, 00:30:51.829 --> 00:30:53.589 because that was like a huge thing at the time 00:30:53.589 --> 00:30:55.289 was like honesty and all this. And so she was 00:30:55.289 --> 00:30:57.670 like, all right, well, I go back to school and 00:30:57.670 --> 00:31:00.109 just we'll whatever. When I come home, I'll touch 00:31:00.109 --> 00:31:01.289 base with you, see how you're doing. I was like, 00:31:01.289 --> 00:31:02.710 all right, cool. And so we did. So about a year, 00:31:03.069 --> 00:31:04.829 two years or so. It wasn't until after I got 00:31:04.829 --> 00:31:07.289 out of therapy, I was doing one or two follow 00:31:07.289 --> 00:31:09.890 up one -on -ones by myself just to kind of make 00:31:09.890 --> 00:31:12.170 sure everything was okay. My training wheels 00:31:12.170 --> 00:31:14.190 were off completely and I was good more or less. 00:31:14.900 --> 00:31:17.019 And I was always welcome back. And a couple of 00:31:17.019 --> 00:31:18.480 times I took her up on it and I would come back 00:31:18.480 --> 00:31:20.940 to do one -on -ones just to kind of double -check 00:31:20.940 --> 00:31:24.180 and stuff. And she said, you know, if you feel 00:31:24.180 --> 00:31:27.599 like you're good to be in a relationship, that's 00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:30.920 entirely up to you. This is new territory. The 00:31:30.920 --> 00:31:32.440 reason I had you in that group was because there 00:31:32.440 --> 00:31:33.859 are many of the same behaviors, but you don't 00:31:33.859 --> 00:31:35.980 necessarily have all those same kind of trigger 00:31:35.980 --> 00:31:37.900 points. It's just a matter of being open and 00:31:37.900 --> 00:31:40.400 honest. And so I was like, all right. I almost 00:31:40.400 --> 00:31:42.980 went the opposite direction in that I really 00:31:42.980 --> 00:31:46.230 was trying to be Very like I was like, what do 00:31:46.230 --> 00:31:47.509 you where do you want to go eat? You want to 00:31:47.509 --> 00:31:48.609 go eat somewhere wherever you want to go eat? 00:31:48.690 --> 00:31:50.450 We can go eat like I had no more opinions My 00:31:50.450 --> 00:31:53.269 opinions were gone. So that's how I began I just 00:31:53.269 --> 00:31:55.650 like overcompensated for how I used to be and 00:31:55.650 --> 00:31:57.630 I still had to kind of learn I still didn't know 00:31:57.630 --> 00:31:59.569 who I was really I really right I was trying 00:31:59.569 --> 00:32:01.970 to learn who I was and probably being in relationship 00:32:01.970 --> 00:32:04.470 wasn't the best thing because I got real the 00:32:04.470 --> 00:32:08.509 the level of NRE at that stage was so high in 00:32:08.509 --> 00:32:11.210 Terms of just that new relationship energy. Yeah 00:32:11.210 --> 00:32:15.089 It's just boom it would just blow up So a friend 00:32:15.089 --> 00:32:17.250 of mine invited me to his wedding. He was getting 00:32:17.250 --> 00:32:19.569 married and his he was having a BDSM wedding 00:32:19.569 --> 00:32:21.690 And by that I just mean it was it was at a club. 00:32:21.690 --> 00:32:24.670 He was a serge and he was marrying his his bottom 00:32:24.670 --> 00:32:27.430 They were doing a promise. They were doing a 00:32:27.430 --> 00:32:30.670 promise thing first, which was the coloring and 00:32:30.670 --> 00:32:32.569 then a year from then they would get married 00:32:32.569 --> 00:32:34.369 So it was like it was like essentially a glorified 00:32:34.369 --> 00:32:36.950 engagement. That's such a cool scene I've had 00:32:36.950 --> 00:32:39.809 a couple I've I've got a couple of friends that 00:32:39.809 --> 00:32:44.240 have that that were in that for like God, 15, 00:32:44.319 --> 00:32:47.160 20 years, and they were like, eh, you know, we're 00:32:47.160 --> 00:32:50.259 gonna go settle down in a double white. While 00:32:50.259 --> 00:32:52.920 they were there, the stories, the outfits. Sure, 00:32:52.960 --> 00:32:56.079 sure. The parties. Oh yeah, no, no, so much. 00:32:56.240 --> 00:33:01.440 So we, I, in an effort to be sort of my, whoever 00:33:01.440 --> 00:33:04.140 I was, I threw my, I, cause you gotta remember, 00:33:04.259 --> 00:33:06.200 in all that time that I was being not me, I was 00:33:06.200 --> 00:33:08.480 manipulating people and being, I was always chameleoning 00:33:08.480 --> 00:33:12.619 and being who someone else. Yeah. I thought that 00:33:12.619 --> 00:33:14.440 person thought I would be. So this was very much 00:33:14.440 --> 00:33:17.599 an exploratory time for me in terms of trying 00:33:17.599 --> 00:33:19.480 to figure out what my likes, dislikes, and all 00:33:19.480 --> 00:33:21.160 that nonsense was. We were married for all of 00:33:21.160 --> 00:33:24.359 two years. We went to this thing and our world 00:33:24.359 --> 00:33:26.859 exploded. We began throwing parties at our house 00:33:26.859 --> 00:33:28.359 and the whole nine yards and it was just learning. 00:33:28.740 --> 00:33:30.819 And there was this like overabundance of honesty 00:33:30.819 --> 00:33:33.059 that was both appreciated and later on it was 00:33:33.059 --> 00:33:35.779 like, was it the right? I was learning who I 00:33:35.779 --> 00:33:38.720 was in a crazy insane way. And then eventually, 00:33:39.000 --> 00:33:41.720 we drifted apart. And one day we were sitting 00:33:41.720 --> 00:33:44.359 there and she says, we've kind of just become 00:33:44.359 --> 00:33:47.019 roommates. And I said, yeah, we kind of have. 00:33:47.440 --> 00:33:49.440 And she was like, well, then I'm just going to 00:33:49.440 --> 00:33:54.140 move out. And I was like, OK. And she did. And 00:33:54.140 --> 00:33:56.960 it was over. And it was, yeah, super crazy. Then 00:33:56.960 --> 00:33:59.720 that's when the unthinkable happened and was 00:33:59.720 --> 00:34:02.000 somebody who had been attracted to that particular 00:34:02.000 --> 00:34:04.799 fire version of me. Came in my life and stayed 00:34:04.799 --> 00:34:07.180 so I had three partners at the time and two of 00:34:07.180 --> 00:34:08.679 them left one of them stayed and the One who 00:34:08.679 --> 00:34:11.579 stayed became my third wife, which if I'm if 00:34:11.579 --> 00:34:14.360 I'm doing the abacus right now, that's your current 00:34:14.360 --> 00:34:18.519 wife No, okay. All right. I got my current wife 00:34:18.519 --> 00:34:21.159 Is the fourth wife my current wife is the fourth 00:34:21.159 --> 00:34:23.260 wife and she's my final final done This is my 00:34:23.260 --> 00:34:26.280 forever wife my bad for jumping ahead. No, you're 00:34:26.280 --> 00:34:28.900 good. You're good, but This is the one that I 00:34:28.900 --> 00:34:31.280 briefly touched on last week, or when we talked 00:34:31.280 --> 00:34:36.360 briefly in the fight. She was a narcissist of 00:34:36.360 --> 00:34:40.539 a different kind than I had. And she had a son 00:34:40.539 --> 00:34:43.880 who became my son, and I actually treat him like 00:34:43.880 --> 00:34:46.380 my son. I loved him. I still love him. Patrick 00:34:46.380 --> 00:34:49.519 and I still, Father's Day, he texts me. May the 00:34:49.519 --> 00:34:50.900 4th is his birthday. I call him, send him stuff. 00:34:50.900 --> 00:34:53.199 That's wonderful. We're very much involved in 00:34:53.199 --> 00:34:56.900 one another's life. We love Star Wars. I know 00:34:56.900 --> 00:34:59.119 he's going to a full sale and I told him I said 00:34:59.119 --> 00:35:00.940 when you graduate let me know I'm gonna be there 00:35:00.940 --> 00:35:03.440 and he lived with my he lived with my family 00:35:03.440 --> 00:35:06.000 here so my daughter is his sister as far as I'm 00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:09.849 concerned I was a son, I was a kid of a step 00:35:09.849 --> 00:35:12.849 parent. So my father took me, so that's the only 00:35:12.849 --> 00:35:15.650 picture I knew in terms of how to be a parent, 00:35:15.710 --> 00:35:18.550 which is to be all in no matter what. Regardless 00:35:18.550 --> 00:35:22.269 of this is my kid, so he's my son. And I literally, 00:35:22.269 --> 00:35:24.789 he calls me dad, I call him son. I'm 100 % behind 00:35:24.789 --> 00:35:28.030 building a family. Yeah. Because the family that 00:35:28.030 --> 00:35:29.989 you're born into sometimes isn't necessarily 00:35:29.989 --> 00:35:32.610 gonna be the best fit for you. So building a 00:35:32.610 --> 00:35:36.409 family is like top tier. Yeah. What I want to 00:35:36.409 --> 00:35:38.530 do when it comes to family creation for sure 00:35:38.530 --> 00:35:44.010 and so we We got I remember we would have such 00:35:44.010 --> 00:35:46.250 arguments and fights me and my this wife at the 00:35:46.250 --> 00:35:51.500 time and she loved to argue So I had to really, 00:35:51.500 --> 00:35:54.860 I had to dig deep into some old tools to be able 00:35:54.860 --> 00:35:57.679 to just fend off. And there were moments and 00:35:57.679 --> 00:36:00.039 times that we'd have arguments and I call it 00:36:00.039 --> 00:36:01.559 her little girl, the little girl inside of her, 00:36:01.619 --> 00:36:03.380 the one who had one day been hurt, but would 00:36:03.380 --> 00:36:05.820 come out every now and again and be real vulnerable 00:36:05.820 --> 00:36:08.280 and real wonderful and real and say wonderful 00:36:08.280 --> 00:36:10.900 things. And then this mean narcissist side of 00:36:10.900 --> 00:36:12.659 her would wrap up again and it would just be, 00:36:12.659 --> 00:36:14.840 and it was terrible. It was her world and I lived 00:36:14.840 --> 00:36:19.949 in it. And remember, so this is me still, I went 00:36:19.949 --> 00:36:24.130 so far the opposite direction that I didn't know 00:36:24.130 --> 00:36:27.190 who I was. And I'll never forget, we were having 00:36:27.190 --> 00:36:29.829 an argument or art fight one day, and she was 00:36:29.829 --> 00:36:32.349 like, you need to do this, you need to man up, 00:36:32.510 --> 00:36:35.510 all these things. I was so upset, because I had 00:36:35.510 --> 00:36:40.469 been that guy. I had been strong, self understanding 00:36:40.469 --> 00:36:44.250 who I was. And all this stuff, and I was real 00:36:44.250 --> 00:36:46.920 just, It was just rough, man. It didn't get, 00:36:47.239 --> 00:36:50.440 it sounded like you got you to questioning. Yeah. 00:36:50.760 --> 00:36:55.139 Were you in the right spot? Right. And so I remember 00:36:55.139 --> 00:36:57.599 I was real upset and my best friend had said 00:36:57.599 --> 00:36:59.639 to me, he goes, hey, what was the last time you 00:36:59.639 --> 00:37:01.539 talked to God? And I said, and I remember I was 00:37:01.539 --> 00:37:02.639 real mad. I was like, God doesn't want to talk 00:37:02.639 --> 00:37:04.420 to me right now, bro. I'm just not feeling it. 00:37:04.420 --> 00:37:05.639 And he smacked me because he knows, he knows 00:37:05.639 --> 00:37:07.099 how I grew up and he's like, dude, God's always 00:37:07.099 --> 00:37:08.539 waiting. He's just waiting. And I was like, he's 00:37:08.539 --> 00:37:11.750 like, talk to him. So I decided I was gonna have 00:37:11.750 --> 00:37:13.230 a conversation with God my parents who I was 00:37:13.230 --> 00:37:14.750 staying with at the time because I had chosen 00:37:14.750 --> 00:37:17.090 to leave this situation because I identified 00:37:17.090 --> 00:37:21.210 it as being a Destructive and a very toxic relationship. 00:37:21.389 --> 00:37:24.309 Yeah. Yeah And she even rent machine was like, 00:37:24.449 --> 00:37:25.469 why don't you fight with me anymore? I said, 00:37:25.510 --> 00:37:29.849 I don't want to fight. I want to do that I can't 00:37:29.849 --> 00:37:31.849 I don't want to do that anymore. I don't care 00:37:31.849 --> 00:37:33.170 if you're right. I don't care if I'm right anymore 00:37:33.170 --> 00:37:35.730 I'm just done and so I was living with my parents 00:37:35.730 --> 00:37:37.880 who I had left. I remember I wrote My son had 00:37:37.880 --> 00:37:39.559 a letter saying, no matter what, I need you to 00:37:39.559 --> 00:37:40.880 know that I love you. I think you're the world. 00:37:41.079 --> 00:37:43.260 I said, I will never ever not be your dad. I 00:37:43.260 --> 00:37:45.860 said, well, I have not left because of you. Trust 00:37:45.860 --> 00:37:49.579 me. 100 % know that. Nice. And he called me and 00:37:49.579 --> 00:37:52.460 we even had lunch later on that week and stayed 00:37:52.460 --> 00:37:54.739 very much in touch, even regardless. And the 00:37:54.739 --> 00:37:57.110 little girl inside her let... let her make sure 00:37:57.110 --> 00:37:58.610 that that was important. She was like, look, 00:37:58.690 --> 00:38:00.349 you're the only one that's ever shown my son, 00:38:00.530 --> 00:38:02.389 like love, compassion. Like she knew she was 00:38:02.389 --> 00:38:04.510 able to identify, but the narcissist was able 00:38:04.510 --> 00:38:06.469 to sit here and say, you're showing him things 00:38:06.469 --> 00:38:09.889 I can't show him. And I was, yeah, it was crazy. 00:38:10.710 --> 00:38:14.489 It is, it really is. And, and so that's why he's 00:38:14.489 --> 00:38:17.949 still in my life. But yeah, I went home, I got, 00:38:18.170 --> 00:38:19.590 if I was gonna talk to God after not talking 00:38:19.590 --> 00:38:21.550 to him for a couple years, I grabbed a six pack 00:38:21.550 --> 00:38:24.550 of apple cider and I drank four in a row and 00:38:24.550 --> 00:38:27.030 then I started talking and it was literally like, 00:38:27.090 --> 00:38:30.210 so, I guess we're supposed to be talking. And 00:38:30.210 --> 00:38:34.009 I was so mad and I just, and everything. From 00:38:34.009 --> 00:38:37.170 the first marriage to that one, it was like, 00:38:37.309 --> 00:38:40.349 and I was so angry and this and that, and I couldn't 00:38:40.349 --> 00:38:42.429 write a scene more dramatic, because it was raining 00:38:42.429 --> 00:38:44.110 outside. My parents had gone out of town, so 00:38:44.110 --> 00:38:47.389 I had the house to myself. And I'm outside. There's 00:38:47.389 --> 00:38:49.389 thunder happening. My parents live in a wooded 00:38:49.389 --> 00:38:51.670 around house, so there's woods everywhere. And 00:38:51.670 --> 00:38:54.190 I'm sitting there on my knees in the front yard, 00:38:54.329 --> 00:38:57.730 just shouting at the sky. You're right. That's 00:38:57.730 --> 00:39:00.030 cinematic as hell. It was. It really was. It 00:39:00.030 --> 00:39:05.119 really was. And I remember the thunder had stopped, 00:39:05.159 --> 00:39:07.760 and it just started raining. But it was almost 00:39:07.760 --> 00:39:10.980 like Hollywood had turned on the rain. And I'm 00:39:10.980 --> 00:39:12.860 just sitting there, and it was one of those moments 00:39:12.860 --> 00:39:17.360 where I've never heard God's audible voice. I'm 00:39:17.360 --> 00:39:19.900 not one of those people who says that kind of 00:39:19.900 --> 00:39:23.420 thing. But I remember feeling in my... I felt 00:39:23.420 --> 00:39:25.880 it in my heart, like God was like, are you done? 00:39:26.019 --> 00:39:28.920 Are you good? Can we now? Now can we start talking? 00:39:29.559 --> 00:39:31.739 And that began the beginning of my own spiritual 00:39:31.739 --> 00:39:34.579 kind of healing, which in turn kind of helped. 00:39:35.079 --> 00:39:37.940 It took all that journey to finally start to 00:39:37.940 --> 00:39:41.039 go, yeah. And then I remember I woke up the next 00:39:41.039 --> 00:39:42.920 morning feeling very refreshed, but very tired. 00:39:42.960 --> 00:39:44.880 And I went to church that Wednesday, I went to 00:39:44.880 --> 00:39:46.340 church that Sunday, and little by little began 00:39:46.340 --> 00:39:48.300 to rebuild the pieces. And I committed to myself 00:39:48.300 --> 00:39:51.079 and my parents, but mostly myself. I had not 00:39:51.079 --> 00:39:55.579 been alone. Since I was 16. I had been in some 00:39:55.579 --> 00:39:58.260 version of a relationship and I realized I needed 00:39:58.260 --> 00:40:00.800 to be alone What good is a narcissist that they 00:40:00.800 --> 00:40:04.079 don't have people around? Yeah, you hit it right 00:40:04.079 --> 00:40:06.940 on the nose Yeah, and I realized I needed to 00:40:06.940 --> 00:40:10.039 focus on on God and work work because I had let 00:40:10.230 --> 00:40:13.710 the drama of the past just bowled me over. And 00:40:13.710 --> 00:40:16.010 that was part of that, who that weak person was 00:40:16.010 --> 00:40:18.289 that she called out and whatnot. And I realized 00:40:18.289 --> 00:40:21.289 I needed to read. And I finally, finally, years 00:40:21.289 --> 00:40:25.630 later began to figure out who I was. And I'll 00:40:25.630 --> 00:40:27.469 never forget my first time I got my own apartment 00:40:27.469 --> 00:40:30.429 and I went to the supermarket and I bought $300 00:40:30.429 --> 00:40:31.909 worth of groceries because I was still buying 00:40:31.909 --> 00:40:35.170 for everybody, for three people. And I remember 00:40:35.170 --> 00:40:37.510 I went home and I said, I don't want to eat any 00:40:37.510 --> 00:40:40.719 of this shit. And I drove to my best friend's 00:40:40.719 --> 00:40:42.559 house, he was two miles away, and I pulled up 00:40:42.559 --> 00:40:45.199 and I said, hey, you got groceries. And he was 00:40:45.199 --> 00:40:48.039 like, and his wife was all excited, like, oh, 00:40:48.039 --> 00:40:49.719 that's such a great blessing, thank you so much. 00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:52.619 And he's like, hey, they went inside, he goes, 00:40:52.719 --> 00:40:55.179 what is up? And I said, I need to go back to 00:40:55.179 --> 00:40:57.920 the store, and I need to figure out what I. And 00:40:57.920 --> 00:41:01.099 so I went to the store, I spent two hours in 00:41:01.099 --> 00:41:04.420 a Publix. And I was like, because I literally 00:41:04.420 --> 00:41:08.019 was like, do I want, what kind of. What kind 00:41:08.019 --> 00:41:10.019 of peanut butter do I want? And I eventually 00:41:10.019 --> 00:41:12.340 landed on, well, you know what? I do like the 00:41:12.340 --> 00:41:13.960 honey roasted. I'm going to get the honey roasted 00:41:13.960 --> 00:41:16.019 because that's what I want. Finding yourself 00:41:16.019 --> 00:41:19.420 in a public space. Bro. That's poetic. I bought 00:41:19.420 --> 00:41:22.519 two bags. I bought two bags. That's it. Two bags. 00:41:22.619 --> 00:41:24.929 I spent maybe a hundred bucks if that. And, but 00:41:24.929 --> 00:41:27.550 everything was something I knew I wanted. And 00:41:27.550 --> 00:41:29.730 that was sort of the beginning for me. It's so 00:41:29.730 --> 00:41:31.949 funny. That was my first time I started watching 00:41:31.949 --> 00:41:35.329 YouTube. I started seeing the movie trivia Schmodown, 00:41:35.449 --> 00:41:37.230 which was a trivia thing that these guys had 00:41:37.230 --> 00:41:39.769 put together themselves. And I was like, I like 00:41:39.769 --> 00:41:42.590 movies. I like this. And the Collider had a movie 00:41:42.590 --> 00:41:45.190 talk show and I would watch that. And then I 00:41:45.190 --> 00:41:47.230 liked John Campia and I discovered, I started 00:41:47.230 --> 00:41:50.190 seeing, I don't know, YouTube, suddenly I was 00:41:50.190 --> 00:41:55.920 like, people I can do I can do this and I remember 00:41:55.920 --> 00:41:57.900 that I watched they were just gonna introduce 00:41:57.900 --> 00:41:59.539 the newest doctor which at the time was Jody 00:41:59.539 --> 00:42:02.880 Whitaker okay and I was and I recorded a little 00:42:02.880 --> 00:42:05.519 short video on a channel that doesn't exist anymore 00:42:05.519 --> 00:42:07.820 and I was like Uh, you know, I was like, yeah, 00:42:07.820 --> 00:42:09.340 I'm so excited. Oh my God. I watched the thing 00:42:09.340 --> 00:42:11.019 and recorded the screen while I was watching 00:42:11.019 --> 00:42:13.300 it the whole bit. And I was like, eh, it's awesome. 00:42:13.440 --> 00:42:15.119 I'm so excited. It's the first chick. It's great. 00:42:15.159 --> 00:42:16.780 It's going to be the best and whatever. I was 00:42:16.780 --> 00:42:19.199 very excited about it. And I'll never forget 00:42:19.199 --> 00:42:21.300 like a month or two later, BBC reached out to 00:42:21.300 --> 00:42:23.840 me and they used a clip of me being excited in 00:42:23.840 --> 00:42:25.659 their rollout video. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. 00:42:26.019 --> 00:42:27.960 It was, I was so excited about that. And that 00:42:27.960 --> 00:42:30.260 was sort of the first foray into me kind of realizing 00:42:30.260 --> 00:42:33.409 that there was a world I could potentially tap 00:42:33.409 --> 00:42:35.670 into that could deep down inside. I think I still 00:42:35.670 --> 00:42:39.150 seek validation. We all do, but anybody who sits 00:42:39.150 --> 00:42:41.389 in front of a camera this long normally does, 00:42:43.530 --> 00:42:45.050 but it's the money. Cause I told my wife and 00:42:45.050 --> 00:42:46.530 stuff. So I remember I was trying to think who 00:42:46.530 --> 00:42:49.909 I wanted to be. And cause I felt like, you know, 00:42:50.070 --> 00:42:53.429 Johnny, yay. Who's that? But also fast forward 00:42:53.429 --> 00:42:57.420 to all this. I have a lot of NDAs. that I've 00:42:57.420 --> 00:42:58.920 signed over the years because I was a broadcast 00:42:58.920 --> 00:43:01.639 and different television things. Some that are 00:43:01.639 --> 00:43:03.820 about to expire and some actually have already 00:43:03.820 --> 00:43:05.860 recently expired. Will the expired ones become 00:43:05.860 --> 00:43:08.980 content? I hope. That'd be cool. I haven't tried 00:43:08.980 --> 00:43:11.519 it. I haven't really, but we'll take a look and 00:43:11.519 --> 00:43:14.139 see because it'd be fun. But at the end of the 00:43:14.139 --> 00:43:17.059 day, I wanted to make sure that I... I wanted 00:43:17.059 --> 00:43:18.900 to really kind of figure out who I was. And I 00:43:18.900 --> 00:43:20.960 remember sitting here going, my mother and everybody 00:43:20.960 --> 00:43:22.340 used to say, you always think you're a know -it 00:43:22.340 --> 00:43:24.960 -all. But I realized now, and at first I was 00:43:24.960 --> 00:43:26.440 like, that's just stupid. I'm not going to do 00:43:26.440 --> 00:43:27.360 that. I'm not going to do that. That's dumb. 00:43:27.440 --> 00:43:28.480 But then I started thinking about it. I was like, 00:43:28.800 --> 00:43:31.380 but I do like to help other people know stuff. 00:43:32.519 --> 00:43:35.179 I do like to help kind of explain that I'm an 00:43:35.179 --> 00:43:39.159 explainer. I'm a talker. And what's funny is 00:43:39.159 --> 00:43:40.980 the internet's one of those rare places where 00:43:40.980 --> 00:43:43.449 people actually want your opinion. Like that's 00:43:43.449 --> 00:43:47.269 why they tune in. Even if they just want an opinion 00:43:47.269 --> 00:43:52.690 to rage at, even if it's something that is in 00:43:52.690 --> 00:43:54.829 their sphere of influence and they just want 00:43:54.829 --> 00:43:58.969 to make this guy an idiot. Watch all of his videos 00:43:58.969 --> 00:44:01.670 in hate form. No, for real. No, for real. Well, 00:44:01.769 --> 00:44:04.010 if you ever see like a nerd, Roddick, who's currently 00:44:04.010 --> 00:44:07.730 like the king of hate videos. He hates on everything, 00:44:07.849 --> 00:44:10.150 but he literally is like... If you liked your 00:44:10.150 --> 00:44:12.110 video, thank you. If you didn't like it, thank 00:44:12.110 --> 00:44:14.789 you for watching. And it's like, you have to 00:44:14.789 --> 00:44:17.050 realize, yeah, there's the both kinds, but yeah. 00:44:17.309 --> 00:44:20.230 And I, over time, I remember the first time I 00:44:20.230 --> 00:44:23.230 was on sidebar that I think I'll never forget. 00:44:23.369 --> 00:44:27.030 I had a brief relapse of feeling, cause I had, 00:44:27.309 --> 00:44:30.099 I had, I'd never been on this side. of a narcissist 00:44:30.099 --> 00:44:32.179 -abusive relationship. I had always been the 00:44:32.179 --> 00:44:35.340 abuser, never the abusee. And now all of a sudden, 00:44:35.500 --> 00:44:37.760 I had left, or run away, or escaped a narcissist 00:44:37.760 --> 00:44:40.199 relationship, and I didn't know where to turn. 00:44:40.380 --> 00:44:43.019 I didn't. I went once to see my therapist, and 00:44:43.019 --> 00:44:46.059 she kind of was like, she basically said, you've 00:44:46.059 --> 00:44:48.360 been a victim of narcissism at this point. And 00:44:48.360 --> 00:44:50.260 so I went online, and I found, at the time I 00:44:50.260 --> 00:44:52.420 was on Facebook, I went to, I've long since left 00:44:52.420 --> 00:44:54.599 Facebook, because I hate that place. But at the 00:44:54.599 --> 00:44:57.699 time, I went there, and I found a narcissist 00:44:57.699 --> 00:45:01.500 survivor's page. It was mostly women and they 00:45:01.500 --> 00:45:05.239 were all shocked and as they would say stuff 00:45:05.239 --> 00:45:08.179 About they were going through I would be like, 00:45:08.179 --> 00:45:10.119 oh, that's what she used to say to me blah blah 00:45:10.119 --> 00:45:12.440 blah blah And then a couple times they would 00:45:12.440 --> 00:45:14.420 say something I would be like, you know, I remember 00:45:14.420 --> 00:45:17.139 when I used to do that and They were like, what 00:45:17.139 --> 00:45:20.099 are you talking about? And I was like, oh, I 00:45:20.099 --> 00:45:23.260 don't I guess I never told you guys I'm a recovering 00:45:23.260 --> 00:45:25.940 narcissist. They were like, are you and they 00:45:25.940 --> 00:45:28.179 were like, what do you and I remember the conversation 00:45:28.179 --> 00:45:30.519 stopped And everybody was like, what do you, 00:45:30.719 --> 00:45:33.500 we need you to explain this. Not, it wasn't confrontational. 00:45:33.860 --> 00:45:36.280 It was, what do you mean? And I said, well, and 00:45:36.280 --> 00:45:39.480 I gave rough, small version. It was probably 00:45:39.480 --> 00:45:42.800 one of the most amazing things because they were 00:45:42.800 --> 00:45:45.579 so unbelievable about like, I can't believe you 00:45:45.579 --> 00:45:48.610 made it out. that you decided not to be that 00:45:48.610 --> 00:45:51.329 way anymore. And then the other half of it was 00:45:51.329 --> 00:45:53.210 we're happy that you were survived this person 00:45:53.210 --> 00:45:54.929 because clearly you have a unique viewpoint on 00:45:54.929 --> 00:45:58.710 that whole situation. But the fact that you decided 00:45:58.710 --> 00:46:01.130 that you didn't want to be that way. And I had 00:46:01.130 --> 00:46:04.710 to tell him I couldn't. I realized when my ex 00:46:04.710 --> 00:46:06.409 -wife told me about myself, she did more than 00:46:06.409 --> 00:46:08.550 just tell me about myself. She let me see that 00:46:08.550 --> 00:46:12.659 I had left wreckage behind. That people were 00:46:12.659 --> 00:46:16.599 hurt there was it was it had hurt people I had 00:46:16.599 --> 00:46:19.440 manipulated you taking away from someone's ability 00:46:19.440 --> 00:46:23.000 to freely make a choice even if even if you think 00:46:23.000 --> 00:46:26.480 it's a dumb choice it's still their choice and 00:46:26.480 --> 00:46:31.019 that's that's like the Crux of us being people, 00:46:31.019 --> 00:46:33.179 you know being able to tell somebody hey look, 00:46:33.179 --> 00:46:35.340 you know what? I don't necessarily agree with 00:46:35.340 --> 00:46:37.239 your decision, but it's your decision to make 00:46:37.239 --> 00:46:41.219 that's huge and I had taken that away from people 00:46:41.219 --> 00:46:44.599 and then just like it had begun to be taken from 00:46:44.599 --> 00:46:46.960 me so it was and it's one again that's why i 00:46:46.960 --> 00:46:48.260 had to tell you the whole story is because this 00:46:48.260 --> 00:46:51.369 weird yo -yo And then finally, I started doing 00:46:51.369 --> 00:46:55.070 videos for my church there and there was, I had 00:46:55.070 --> 00:46:56.670 posted a couple of LinkedIn and then someone 00:46:56.670 --> 00:46:58.909 had randomly seen one. A friend had, it's funny, 00:46:58.989 --> 00:47:00.050 it was like six degrees of separation. Someone 00:47:00.050 --> 00:47:01.989 had reshared it or whatever else and someone 00:47:01.989 --> 00:47:03.809 saw it. Next thing I know, I got a direct message 00:47:03.809 --> 00:47:05.489 from a place up here in Georgia that's saying, 00:47:05.510 --> 00:47:08.610 hey, we're looking to hire a video editor. We 00:47:08.610 --> 00:47:11.630 do faith -based TV, which the truth is it's infomercials. 00:47:11.690 --> 00:47:15.070 Faith -based TV is infomercials. A word network. 00:47:15.429 --> 00:47:16.889 You pay to be honest. I've directed and produced 00:47:16.889 --> 00:47:19.769 a few of them myself, yeah. Yeah, it's but you 00:47:19.769 --> 00:47:22.809 do it and you dress it up as a show So you have 00:47:22.809 --> 00:47:25.710 to actually plan a television show and that sort 00:47:25.710 --> 00:47:27.329 of was the beginning of my world getting into 00:47:27.329 --> 00:47:31.369 broadcast and and eventually I got I moved up 00:47:31.369 --> 00:47:34.489 here and I remember I was working really hard 00:47:34.489 --> 00:47:36.889 and it was freeing because nobody knew me I had 00:47:36.889 --> 00:47:40.130 no history and I was able to just be me for the 00:47:40.130 --> 00:47:43.380 first time and It's so funny The first place 00:47:43.380 --> 00:47:45.519 I stopped when I got here, I found a Publix and 00:47:45.519 --> 00:47:48.219 I was like, oh my God, you have Publix here too. 00:47:48.579 --> 00:47:50.639 I walked in and I was emotional. I was like, 00:47:50.659 --> 00:47:52.079 I just moved here from Florida and you don't 00:47:52.079 --> 00:47:54.139 understand. This is the only thing that looks 00:47:54.139 --> 00:47:57.619 familiar. I love this place. And they were like, 00:47:57.719 --> 00:47:59.679 well, welcome to Georgia. It was wonderful. Yeah, 00:47:59.739 --> 00:48:03.289 so I started doing really good things. And I 00:48:03.289 --> 00:48:05.869 had this really huge success. I was the first 00:48:05.869 --> 00:48:08.889 person to help in a meeting. I sold like a $30 00:48:08.889 --> 00:48:11.510 ,000 pilot of someone to come record a talk show 00:48:11.510 --> 00:48:13.849 pilot in her studio. They'd never rented the 00:48:13.849 --> 00:48:15.309 studio out for that much before it was great. 00:48:15.530 --> 00:48:20.210 And I got home and I was like, yeah. Hello? And 00:48:20.210 --> 00:48:22.809 it was empty. And I was like, so I called up 00:48:22.809 --> 00:48:25.590 my best friend and I said, hey, you think I'm 00:48:25.590 --> 00:48:28.329 ready to date? Because I realized that having 00:48:28.329 --> 00:48:32.960 success by yourself is empty. And he goes, well, 00:48:33.079 --> 00:48:36.119 if you're really serious, then yeah, probably. 00:48:37.059 --> 00:48:39.059 If you're asking the question, then you're probably 00:48:39.059 --> 00:48:41.000 ready to explore that. And I said, all right. 00:48:41.280 --> 00:48:43.179 So I decided rather than jumping in like I had 00:48:43.179 --> 00:48:46.199 before, like I was doing, I was pushing 32, 30 00:48:46.199 --> 00:48:48.880 film. God, no, I was pushing 35. And I was like, 00:48:48.980 --> 00:48:51.420 there's no way. All of this before your 40s, 00:48:51.480 --> 00:48:54.820 by the way. I want to point that out. There's 00:48:54.820 --> 00:48:57.449 a lot of people who think that like, long -term 00:48:57.449 --> 00:48:59.130 life changes like that, you know, you're, you 00:48:59.130 --> 00:49:01.809 wind up like kind of like broken and like trying 00:49:01.809 --> 00:49:03.750 to crawl out of your things, like in your forties, 00:49:04.030 --> 00:49:09.429 but. Yeah, dude. And I was exploring lifestyle 00:49:09.429 --> 00:49:11.210 stuff. I remember saying ever all the time, my 00:49:11.210 --> 00:49:13.329 selling point was I'm living more life than most 00:49:13.329 --> 00:49:15.489 people ever do. And it's kind of true because 00:49:15.489 --> 00:49:18.150 things happen so fast. But so I, because I was, 00:49:18.150 --> 00:49:20.349 I was different. I was like, you know what? I'm 00:49:20.349 --> 00:49:23.269 not, I'm not a go out to the bar data kind of 00:49:23.269 --> 00:49:26.000 person. So I went online and I researched what 00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:31.219 is the best dating site or whatever. And I found, 00:49:31.260 --> 00:49:32.880 and this is just my own research, this is not 00:49:32.880 --> 00:49:37.800 me. I'm not selling anything. I found OKCupid 00:49:37.800 --> 00:49:40.300 had the best reputation among the actual psychologists 00:49:40.300 --> 00:49:42.760 and people who knew something, specifically because 00:49:42.760 --> 00:49:45.260 its algorithm is one of the best. And everybody 00:49:45.260 --> 00:49:49.039 agreed on one thing. Before you ever hit see 00:49:49.039 --> 00:49:54.199 my matches, answer. Answer 1 ,000 questions because 00:49:54.199 --> 00:49:56.360 they have questions. So I downloaded the app 00:49:56.360 --> 00:49:59.239 I downloaded the app and I was like okie -doke 00:49:59.239 --> 00:50:01.400 and I just started answering questions. I'd be 00:50:01.400 --> 00:50:02.760 sitting on the toilet answering questions I wait 00:50:02.760 --> 00:50:04.539 on meetings answering questions doctors office 00:50:04.539 --> 00:50:06.800 answering questions and I got to thousands and 00:50:06.800 --> 00:50:09.639 I went you know what just in case answer 300 00:50:09.639 --> 00:50:13.159 more and So I want to be sure man. I was like, 00:50:13.239 --> 00:50:15.239 you know what? I don't want to be any doubt and 00:50:15.239 --> 00:50:17.920 I and I and I remember I the very first I had 00:50:17.920 --> 00:50:19.900 already put a profile picture and I put a very 00:50:19.900 --> 00:50:23.579 modest modest profile up. I was very honest about 00:50:23.579 --> 00:50:25.260 what I was looking for in terms of hey look I've 00:50:25.260 --> 00:50:26.679 been through some tough I want somebody I can 00:50:26.679 --> 00:50:29.039 share all life with whatever that looks like 00:50:29.039 --> 00:50:32.599 and I went to show me my matches and the first 00:50:32.599 --> 00:50:35.639 person I went to had no profile picture and I 00:50:35.639 --> 00:50:37.280 was like why did you show up? I guess they'd 00:50:37.280 --> 00:50:39.320 answered enough questions that they the second 00:50:39.320 --> 00:50:41.800 person was the person who eventually became my 00:50:41.800 --> 00:50:45.809 wife and I reached out I reached out and I was 00:50:45.809 --> 00:50:47.809 like, hey, just, you know, I literally, my opening 00:50:47.809 --> 00:50:50.469 line was, so apparently we're 98 % compatible 00:50:50.469 --> 00:50:55.409 according to this thing. And yeah. My, uh, my 00:50:55.409 --> 00:51:01.050 wife, uh, she was the maybe the eighth person 00:51:01.050 --> 00:51:04.469 that I talked to on plenty of fish and not, not 00:51:04.469 --> 00:51:07.429 like talk, talk to, but you know, like actually 00:51:07.429 --> 00:51:10.900 started a conversation in the chair. And mine 00:51:10.900 --> 00:51:13.599 was a commentary on her middle name because it 00:51:13.599 --> 00:51:17.119 is, it is Adele. And I was like, so are you an 00:51:17.119 --> 00:51:20.559 Adele fan or? I hate you so much. I hate you 00:51:20.559 --> 00:51:22.579 so much. I'm surprised she didn't shut you down. 00:51:22.699 --> 00:51:25.139 She was like, this is the most original conversation 00:51:25.139 --> 00:51:28.019 that has started on this app. Oh my God. That's 00:51:28.019 --> 00:51:29.739 awesome. Turns out there's a bunch of assholes 00:51:29.739 --> 00:51:32.599 on, on dating apps. So that's so funny. Right 00:51:32.599 --> 00:51:36.730 on. So, I didn't really have to guide you really 00:51:36.730 --> 00:51:41.150 all throughout the steps. You did a really good 00:51:41.150 --> 00:51:46.230 job. You almost slid into acceptance too quick 00:51:46.230 --> 00:51:49.269 without talking about some of the pain and whatnot. 00:51:51.050 --> 00:51:54.369 I have to say, the relationships that you were 00:51:54.369 --> 00:51:59.730 in, especially with the two -year and then the 00:51:59.730 --> 00:52:02.320 narcissist. uh, that, you know, wrecked your 00:52:02.320 --> 00:52:04.579 world for a while. You know, that's a form of 00:52:04.579 --> 00:52:06.380 bargaining on itself because you're like, well, 00:52:06.480 --> 00:52:08.460 this is a, this is a relationship I know I can 00:52:08.460 --> 00:52:12.440 handle. You know, this is what I can do. Yeah. 00:52:13.380 --> 00:52:15.539 Which there are two things that came to me while 00:52:15.539 --> 00:52:18.079 we were talking and I like to say things like 00:52:18.079 --> 00:52:19.940 this for the end because it helps to kind of 00:52:19.940 --> 00:52:22.480 cap off everything. The first thing is that I 00:52:22.480 --> 00:52:25.519 kind of see you right now as an emotional, uh, 00:52:26.110 --> 00:52:28.610 version of Zoidberg. So I kind of see you as 00:52:28.610 --> 00:52:31.710 an emotional Zoidberg of a certain way. Like 00:52:31.710 --> 00:52:34.030 you come into this thing, you talk about the 00:52:34.030 --> 00:52:36.510 carapace that you had that was narcissism, and 00:52:36.510 --> 00:52:39.030 then you broke down and you're the jelly version, 00:52:39.329 --> 00:52:41.090 which everything kind of wiggles and you're just 00:52:41.090 --> 00:52:44.090 trying to find your place in life. And then you 00:52:44.090 --> 00:52:45.670 find something that's kind of comfortable and 00:52:45.670 --> 00:52:47.829 you realize it's not fitting you right. And then 00:52:47.829 --> 00:52:51.480 eventually after having one of the most one of 00:52:51.480 --> 00:52:53.380 the most dramatic conversations with God winds 00:52:53.380 --> 00:52:56.719 up finding yourself a new Zoey Berg body. And 00:52:56.719 --> 00:52:58.300 it sounds like it's fitting you comfortably. 00:52:58.579 --> 00:53:02.500 I'm glad to get to know the Johnny that you are 00:53:02.500 --> 00:53:04.360 right now. Thank you. I appreciate that. You're 00:53:04.360 --> 00:53:07.840 welcome. And again, putting it out there. like 00:53:07.840 --> 00:53:10.659 that. The first thing that's normally on your 00:53:10.659 --> 00:53:13.500 socials is recovering narcissists. You know, 00:53:13.559 --> 00:53:15.179 it's the same thing. I put the same thing on 00:53:15.179 --> 00:53:18.079 all my socials, which is just, hello, everybody. 00:53:18.199 --> 00:53:19.739 Michael LeBlanc here sitting with you. Welcome 00:53:19.739 --> 00:53:23.820 to my heart. Your thing. That's nice. It's saccharine. 00:53:23.840 --> 00:53:26.199 It's a little sweet, but you're like, no, this 00:53:26.199 --> 00:53:28.380 is who I am. And if you want to hear opinions 00:53:28.380 --> 00:53:30.780 about everything nerd, you're in the right place. 00:53:32.969 --> 00:53:35.349 So, and the second thing that I wanted to dig 00:53:35.349 --> 00:53:38.849 into is that it's interesting that as a recovering 00:53:38.849 --> 00:53:42.849 narcissist, your recovery was still very much 00:53:42.849 --> 00:53:45.389 dependent on the people who are around you, but 00:53:45.389 --> 00:53:49.349 you started to see them as sources of energy 00:53:49.349 --> 00:53:51.130 instead of something that you could give your 00:53:51.130 --> 00:53:54.969 energy to. Yeah. And that's huge. Well, I just 00:53:54.969 --> 00:53:59.940 kind of saw it more like I wasn't leeching. Be 00:53:59.940 --> 00:54:03.079 more communal less sure less like a vampire. 00:54:03.079 --> 00:54:05.460 You know, I mean like I was like like make me 00:54:05.460 --> 00:54:10.820 feel valid instead of Sweet serotonin. Yeah instead 00:54:10.820 --> 00:54:13.179 is much more like oh my god, you're so interesting 00:54:13.179 --> 00:54:16.300 and and you discover so many new I said I felt 00:54:16.300 --> 00:54:18.900 such a jerk when I said People are awesome. Like 00:54:18.900 --> 00:54:21.300 yeah, like there's stories and depth when you 00:54:21.300 --> 00:54:23.460 know, cause you obviously do this, but like there 00:54:23.460 --> 00:54:25.820 you get to realize that people are great. They're 00:54:25.820 --> 00:54:28.260 messy and they're, and they're ridiculous and 00:54:28.260 --> 00:54:30.639 they're funny and they're deep. And you're like, 00:54:30.760 --> 00:54:33.440 Oh my God, I love it. I love it. I love it. It's 00:54:33.440 --> 00:54:35.739 the same reason why I like photography is because 00:54:35.739 --> 00:54:38.860 it stops and forces you to take a look at things 00:54:38.860 --> 00:54:41.760 at either a an angle that you've never seen before. 00:54:42.449 --> 00:54:45.869 Or try to find something and find an angle that 00:54:45.869 --> 00:54:47.650 nobody else has seen before and kind of lift 00:54:47.650 --> 00:54:51.989 that up. And both dealing with people and that, 00:54:52.130 --> 00:54:56.989 there's a lot of similarities. So it sounds like 00:54:56.989 --> 00:54:59.409 to me that you made it to the acceptance. I mean, 00:54:59.510 --> 00:55:02.210 you were circling around acceptance anyway, but 00:55:02.210 --> 00:55:04.909 I feel like you've really got hold on it. So 00:55:04.909 --> 00:55:10.409 what does the future look like for you? My family, 00:55:10.809 --> 00:55:12.449 I absolutely have leaned on my faith because 00:55:12.449 --> 00:55:14.170 that was such a big part of kind of that turning 00:55:14.170 --> 00:55:16.969 point for me of sort of really reaching a new 00:55:16.969 --> 00:55:20.389 place. But at the same time, I've really tried 00:55:20.389 --> 00:55:24.309 to hyper focus on, let's communicate, let's talk, 00:55:24.389 --> 00:55:28.110 let's see what's up. There are no bad ideas and 00:55:28.110 --> 00:55:31.449 there are no bad thoughts. When I first, my daughter 00:55:31.449 --> 00:55:33.190 is actually my stepdaughter. She first came into 00:55:33.190 --> 00:55:34.789 my life, she was 12 and angry because her parents 00:55:34.789 --> 00:55:36.690 had gotten divorced two years prior. I was the 00:55:36.690 --> 00:55:39.760 new guy and I was whatever. Oh, she came home 00:55:39.760 --> 00:55:43.340 one day from visiting her dad and She said and 00:55:43.340 --> 00:55:45.320 she was crying she was upset and I was like what's 00:55:45.320 --> 00:55:46.800 going on and her dad was having a hard time with 00:55:46.800 --> 00:55:48.960 the relationship He was in and she's like, I 00:55:48.960 --> 00:55:51.639 just I want I feel like nobody loves my I feel 00:55:51.639 --> 00:55:54.699 like nobody loves him. I Stopped it. I was like, 00:55:54.980 --> 00:55:57.840 oh it hit me so hard and I said stay right here 00:55:57.840 --> 00:56:00.079 I went upstairs to my wife and I said so you're 00:56:00.079 --> 00:56:03.219 gonna think I'm crazy and she was what I Said 00:56:03.219 --> 00:56:05.460 we need to let his name is Torrance said we let 00:56:05.460 --> 00:56:09.679 Torrance move in And she goes, what? And I said, 00:56:09.760 --> 00:56:11.239 we didn't let Torrance move in. We have a guest 00:56:11.239 --> 00:56:13.639 room. He could stay there. We didn't let him 00:56:13.639 --> 00:56:15.340 move in. And she goes, why? I said, because I 00:56:15.340 --> 00:56:18.460 refuse to have my daughter think that nobody 00:56:18.460 --> 00:56:21.699 loves her dad. I said, that's not, I'm not going 00:56:21.699 --> 00:56:23.679 to be that person. And I said, and as far as 00:56:23.679 --> 00:56:25.940 I'm concerned, he's not a threat of any kind. 00:56:26.019 --> 00:56:28.099 And I just feel like he needs to move in. And 00:56:28.099 --> 00:56:29.679 so she was like, are you serious right now? I 00:56:29.679 --> 00:56:32.679 said, yeah. And so we moved him in and it was 00:56:32.679 --> 00:56:35.179 about kind of letting them understand people 00:56:35.179 --> 00:56:37.019 are people and forgiveness is a thing. And we 00:56:37.019 --> 00:56:38.920 helped him get back on his feet. And eventually 00:56:38.920 --> 00:56:41.059 he moved out. But at the time we was very much 00:56:41.059 --> 00:56:43.619 a lesson in, hey, I remember there were the two 00:56:43.619 --> 00:56:47.360 of them. And I said, I need you both to understand, 00:56:48.619 --> 00:56:51.139 you two are always worried about you two. I'm 00:56:51.139 --> 00:56:53.519 going to be on her team from now on. And so I 00:56:53.519 --> 00:56:55.480 always made sure that, you know, I wanted to 00:56:55.480 --> 00:56:57.239 make sure it reinforced. I told my, I taught 00:56:57.239 --> 00:57:00.639 my daughter how bad men can be. I was like, let 00:57:00.639 --> 00:57:02.300 me tell you some stuff that these boys might 00:57:02.300 --> 00:57:04.739 be thinking, you know, and I would, I would really, 00:57:04.820 --> 00:57:07.219 I was always very, very much there for her. And, 00:57:07.219 --> 00:57:09.739 um, and even now that it's funny, her, her biological 00:57:09.739 --> 00:57:12.480 dad's taken a weird turn and he's, he sort of 00:57:12.480 --> 00:57:14.559 disappeared himself and gone into his home. It's 00:57:14.559 --> 00:57:16.980 very bad. But I've always made sure she knew 00:57:16.980 --> 00:57:18.860 that one, she was loved, and two, that we could 00:57:18.860 --> 00:57:20.400 always talk. And that's what I wanted to really 00:57:20.400 --> 00:57:23.119 reinforce. That being said, it's about communicating 00:57:23.119 --> 00:57:25.039 and letting people know that, you know, I'm a 00:57:25.039 --> 00:57:27.980 very collaborative person. So for me, the future 00:57:27.980 --> 00:57:31.280 is about kind of making sure that I help my family 00:57:31.280 --> 00:57:33.980 be healthy moving forward. Healthy in terms of, 00:57:34.159 --> 00:57:35.920 let's talk, let's talk things out, you know, 00:57:35.960 --> 00:57:38.639 whatever. There's not enough talking in the world 00:57:38.639 --> 00:57:41.659 in terms of, you know, and if you're angry, fine, 00:57:41.980 --> 00:57:44.280 but don't live there. Don't live there. We got 00:57:44.280 --> 00:57:46.719 to talk it out. Whatever it is communicating 00:57:46.719 --> 00:57:49.099 the anger as as weird as it feels because we 00:57:49.099 --> 00:57:51.579 all get told that you know Keep your keep your 00:57:51.579 --> 00:57:52.940 loud shit to yourself. If you're going to be 00:57:52.940 --> 00:57:55.019 loud do it anonymously on the internet. No, I 00:57:55.019 --> 00:57:58.460 mean like We were there was a whole time and 00:57:58.460 --> 00:58:02.900 there's still a time. Yeah, right totally And 00:58:02.900 --> 00:58:04.340 there's gonna be a time there's there's always 00:58:04.340 --> 00:58:08.449 gonna be a time where Being loud is not necessarily 00:58:08.449 --> 00:58:11.130 the option, but it's going to be an option. And 00:58:11.130 --> 00:58:15.570 if sometimes, if that's what you got to do, be 00:58:15.570 --> 00:58:18.530 loud. Be loud. Be real. For Christ sakes, be 00:58:18.530 --> 00:58:22.329 real. Yeah. That's exactly what it boils down 00:58:22.329 --> 00:58:24.510 to. And I've always told my kid what a narcissist 00:58:24.510 --> 00:58:27.590 is like. I've explained to her those signs and 00:58:27.590 --> 00:58:30.030 things to watch out for. Here's how you know 00:58:30.030 --> 00:58:32.860 you're being manipulated. No, so I've kind of 00:58:32.860 --> 00:58:34.739 taken all the things that I used to do and turn 00:58:34.739 --> 00:58:37.019 them into life lessons and object lessons of 00:58:37.019 --> 00:58:38.840 oh People do this kind of stuff. They all know 00:58:38.840 --> 00:58:40.659 my family knows I'm nothing. This is secret. 00:58:40.880 --> 00:58:42.519 It's just an effort of making sure I guess for 00:58:42.519 --> 00:58:46.059 me the future is Helping other people understand 00:58:46.059 --> 00:58:48.960 know what that is like, you know, you're kind 00:58:48.960 --> 00:58:52.940 of kind of like kind of like an arts Arnold Schwarzenegger 00:58:52.940 --> 00:58:56.300 type character Learned all of his stuff in the 00:58:56.300 --> 00:58:58.699 trenches and is now applying it to save his daughter's 00:58:58.699 --> 00:59:02.300 life commando Am I getting that right? I think 00:59:02.300 --> 00:59:07.039 that's commando. I think that's commando. That's 00:59:07.039 --> 00:59:10.480 great. Also, you almost made me tear up a little 00:59:10.480 --> 00:59:12.980 bit with the story about taking in her dad like 00:59:12.980 --> 00:59:16.820 that. Dude, that's vulnerable and sweet and real 00:59:16.820 --> 00:59:21.099 and emotionally intelligent. I don't want to 00:59:21.099 --> 00:59:23.079 just keep pouring accolades on you, but that's 00:59:23.079 --> 00:59:26.059 so no and I it's funny I'm so happy that I feel 00:59:26.059 --> 00:59:28.000 uncomfortable with that because I don't I always 00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:30.519 tell people look I do appreciate all that Thank 00:59:30.519 --> 00:59:33.019 you, and I accept I accept and receive it's hard 00:59:33.019 --> 00:59:36.099 to accept compliments You know well especially 00:59:36.099 --> 00:59:38.780 especially because I told it's like it's like 00:59:38.780 --> 00:59:40.440 an alcoholic going by a bar You know what I mean? 00:59:40.460 --> 00:59:42.539 And there's times that I will tell my wife I 00:59:42.539 --> 00:59:43.800 was like hey if I ever seems like I'm getting 00:59:43.800 --> 00:59:45.980 too big for my britches You tell me you know 00:59:45.980 --> 00:59:48.300 and it's okay, and I married a person who does 00:59:48.300 --> 00:59:51.519 that she's she's my biggest critic And I constantly 00:59:51.519 --> 00:59:54.119 I don't I don't constantly put things out there 00:59:54.119 --> 00:59:57.300 just to wow her I constantly put myself out there 00:59:57.300 --> 01:00:00.760 to see you know to see what's what's gonna stick 01:00:02.539 --> 01:00:04.519 Well, you know sometimes people who are acts 01:00:04.519 --> 01:00:06.800 look at the like coins the chips whatever they 01:00:06.800 --> 01:00:09.440 have the different groups that That was one of 01:00:09.440 --> 01:00:13.940 those moments when I I was like Okay, maybe I'm 01:00:13.940 --> 01:00:16.820 not so bad a person anymore You know, and I don't 01:00:16.820 --> 01:00:18.300 mean I just and it was like, you know what cuz 01:00:18.300 --> 01:00:21.300 I meant it I genuinely was like I'm doing this 01:00:21.300 --> 01:00:23.579 for her I didn't I wasn't doing I didn't care 01:00:23.579 --> 01:00:26.059 who saw I wasn't trying to be like no look what 01:00:26.059 --> 01:00:29.059 we did Yeah, no, it doesn't sound like it It 01:00:29.059 --> 01:00:31.719 sounds, from the outside, from the story that 01:00:31.719 --> 01:00:37.239 you told, sounds entirely selfless, which I'm 01:00:37.239 --> 01:00:39.460 happy for you and your family, man. I appreciate 01:00:39.460 --> 01:00:42.059 that. I always have to, I'm going to tell myself 01:00:42.059 --> 01:00:45.639 a little bit in terms of my, it's always there. 01:00:46.380 --> 01:00:48.840 Way in the way, way in the way in the back. And 01:00:48.840 --> 01:00:51.840 by that, I mean, there are moments that I think 01:00:51.840 --> 01:00:53.400 about what you just said and I sit here and I 01:00:53.400 --> 01:00:57.920 go, you know, maybe I'm still in a tiny way. 01:00:58.789 --> 01:01:01.530 Feeding that old me like just little little things 01:01:01.530 --> 01:01:02.909 where I'm like, hey, you know what making people 01:01:02.909 --> 01:01:05.849 feel good? Does make me look good. It's way in 01:01:05.849 --> 01:01:08.429 the back and I tell my wife that I'm like I like 01:01:08.429 --> 01:01:10.130 I always have to check myself with her I'm like 01:01:10.130 --> 01:01:12.570 is that and that is you think I'm she's like 01:01:12.570 --> 01:01:15.369 no, you're fine. I was like alright But um, you 01:01:15.369 --> 01:01:18.809 know, but it's cuz it's you're never I Feel like 01:01:18.809 --> 01:01:21.190 you you never are sure and that's part of being 01:01:21.190 --> 01:01:23.289 on guard Big making sure I'm not making sure 01:01:23.289 --> 01:01:25.130 that I understand if I'm bullshitting or not 01:01:25.099 --> 01:01:27.980 Well, that's why it's huge to be with somebody 01:01:27.980 --> 01:01:30.760 who can see you from the outside and not be afraid 01:01:30.760 --> 01:01:32.739 to tell you what they're seeing. So I'm glad 01:01:32.739 --> 01:01:34.940 that you have that. I appreciate you brother. 01:01:35.420 --> 01:01:37.679 Not a problem. Well, this has been awesome. Thank 01:01:37.679 --> 01:01:39.599 you so much for this. Not a problem. I need you 01:01:39.599 --> 01:01:41.679 to know this is probably the only living record 01:01:41.679 --> 01:01:44.619 of all of those events. Well, so I'm going to 01:01:44.619 --> 01:01:46.519 save this show. You have no idea I'm going to 01:01:46.519 --> 01:01:50.940 save this so much. Like legit. I saw you touch 01:01:50.940 --> 01:01:52.739 some potentially raw things that you haven't 01:01:52.739 --> 01:01:57.590 touched in a while. That's why I'm excited about 01:01:57.590 --> 01:02:00.409 this particular season because I want to focus 01:02:00.409 --> 01:02:03.570 on the story and not a gimmick because the story 01:02:03.570 --> 01:02:05.969 itself is possibly the best, I think, gimmick 01:02:05.969 --> 01:02:08.090 that I could get out of this because it's real 01:02:08.090 --> 01:02:13.010 for them. The last guy that I had, I mean, he 01:02:13.010 --> 01:02:14.929 still shook up. He's not in his acceptance phase 01:02:14.929 --> 01:02:17.590 yet. So the fact that he wanted to talk, I normally 01:02:17.590 --> 01:02:20.289 don't talk to people who haven't been in their 01:02:20.289 --> 01:02:24.510 loss cycle for less than a year. Lost can last 01:02:24.510 --> 01:02:27.710 longer than that, but he wasn't even in an acceptance 01:02:27.710 --> 01:02:31.170 yet, but he felt lighter, he said afterwards. 01:02:32.809 --> 01:02:34.869 You could very well have been like that stepping 01:02:34.869 --> 01:02:38.409 stone process, which is cool. That's cool. I've 01:02:38.409 --> 01:02:41.489 been calling myself here recently a grief eater. 01:02:42.889 --> 01:02:47.539 Okay. Yeah, because there are people out there 01:02:47.539 --> 01:02:50.539 who they've called them sin eaters or whatever, 01:02:50.719 --> 01:02:56.679 people who take in the information. I don't know 01:02:56.679 --> 01:03:00.400 why, it just feels right. Thank you so much for 01:03:00.400 --> 01:03:03.679 being on the show and doing this. And it's funny 01:03:03.679 --> 01:03:05.719 because that makes a lot of sense as a Buddhist. 01:03:05.840 --> 01:03:07.639 Not that I know everything about Buddhists, but 01:03:07.639 --> 01:03:09.199 I mean like that whole idea of letting things 01:03:09.199 --> 01:03:11.000 go, but at the same time kind of like taking 01:03:11.000 --> 01:03:13.159 everything in as it is. You know what I mean? 01:03:13.199 --> 01:03:15.880 Whatever that is. And that's awesome. I'm really, 01:03:15.880 --> 01:03:18.840 you know, I'm excited for you and the journey 01:03:18.840 --> 01:03:21.440 you're on with this. This is great. Thank you. 01:03:22.159 --> 01:03:24.719 I did only check out the last one and I kind 01:03:24.719 --> 01:03:26.619 of perfunctorily scanned some others, but I think 01:03:26.619 --> 01:03:29.579 I will keep up for sure because I'm... I enjoyed 01:03:29.579 --> 01:03:31.300 this a lot and I would love to see kind of where 01:03:31.300 --> 01:03:33.559 you keep going with this. Please keep doing it, 01:03:33.639 --> 01:03:35.039 brother. Keep doing it. Thank you. Thank you. 01:03:35.119 --> 01:03:37.280 I'll tell you this. If you know anybody who is 01:03:37.280 --> 01:03:39.400 having a hard time with anything that they've 01:03:39.400 --> 01:03:41.420 lost or a rough time in their life that they 01:03:41.420 --> 01:03:44.480 want to, because again, I'm a firm believer that 01:03:44.480 --> 01:03:47.539 any rough times in your life brings about these, 01:03:47.539 --> 01:03:50.699 you know, changes no matter how minute or how 01:03:50.699 --> 01:03:54.780 quick they happen. So send them my way. But Johnny, 01:03:54.840 --> 01:03:57.980 where can they find you? I'm on all the socials 01:03:57.980 --> 01:04:00.679 as at a real know -it -all because because most 01:04:00.679 --> 01:04:02.300 every platform has Mr. Know -it -all in some 01:04:02.300 --> 01:04:03.960 form taken by someone who doesn't they do it 01:04:03.960 --> 01:04:06.500 was hard to find I started stayed away from film 01:04:06.500 --> 01:04:08.179 for a while because I was kind of feeling a little 01:04:08.179 --> 01:04:10.960 burned after the pandemic but I've started and 01:04:10.960 --> 01:04:14.659 I haven't a handle on on the ex it's Jay Johnson 01:04:14.659 --> 01:04:17.460 films and it's I'm gonna try to start doing some 01:04:17.460 --> 01:04:20.179 AI stuff with ideas of my own like take my ideas 01:04:20.179 --> 01:04:23.519 brave of you to keep like sailing your boat in 01:04:23.519 --> 01:04:26.219 X when everybody else is just seeing it as like 01:04:26.219 --> 01:04:28.940 a shitstorm. I'm also on the others too. I'm 01:04:28.940 --> 01:04:32.320 on threads. I'm on blue sky. I'm on all of them. 01:04:32.619 --> 01:04:35.079 Yeah, but I feel like that's my piece with that. 01:04:35.159 --> 01:04:38.139 of just being a place that just puts my unfiltered 01:04:38.139 --> 01:04:40.599 opinions and just like shitposting there every 01:04:40.599 --> 01:04:43.179 everything else has been like you know just putting 01:04:43.179 --> 01:04:45.760 out my videos or whatever blue skies like only 01:04:45.760 --> 01:04:49.519 specifically food for me uh that's awesome only 01:04:49.519 --> 01:04:51.800 only food related posts only food related totally 01:04:51.800 --> 01:04:55.260 but it's real a real note all all one word is 01:04:55.260 --> 01:04:57.659 that what i'm hearing anywhere that you want 01:04:57.659 --> 01:05:00.099 to yeah learn about everything that this guy 01:05:00.099 --> 01:05:05.349 knows do it man I guess we'll go ahead and call 01:05:05.349 --> 01:05:07.670 it there. As always, I'm Michael LeBlanc. This 01:05:07.670 --> 01:05:10.070 has been Johnny Johnson. And if you miss next 01:05:10.070 --> 01:05:13.090 month's episode still, it's your loss. Talk to 01:05:13.090 --> 01:05:15.170 you guys later. Bye -bye.