All right. There we go. So, uh, how was your
day? Not bad. Worked like usual, busy running
around. Lots of stuff going on. Yeah, me too.
Me too. A lot of stuff in the office that I work
at. A lot of new stuff that I have to do. It
keeps me away from scrolling on the phone and
doing things that don't get me paid. So, uh,
I, I welcome it. Busy few days one of our trucks
broke down at work So now we're down to one truck
and we got a bunch of funerals going on this
week So a lot of back -and -forth stuff. How
big is the area that you work in? If I to put
it like square miles probably like 60 or so 60
70 It's a pretty big area one truck for all that
Yeah, and the problem is our other turn up broke
was a dump truck. So we can't dig holes I have
to drive a 310 backhoe around my god Tri -County
area right now, if I have to dig something. No,
that's definitely not making your job easier.
No. Oh, goodness. We had some problems that they
were equipment related, i .e. somebody walked
away with it. Yeah, we came in and somebody had
helped themselves to the trailers that we have
and there's a bunch of hand tools and stuff in
there. Evidently, they weren't ready to take
anything big or whatnot because they didn't take
anything big. They took a whole bunch of stuff
that they could carry with their hands. my boss
said hey we did everything right we had everything
locked even the one that they couldn't cut they
cut the hasp around the lock so you know locks
only keep honest people honest so exactly it's
a it's a minor setback I don't think it's really
gonna like throw us like too far of a loop in
our schedule and everything but we will we will
overcome and persevere damn it yeah that's what
they got insurance for right So how about we
just Go ahead and say the the beginning stuff
and just get this conversation started John.
Yeah Welcome to it's your loss podcast where
raw stories of resilience and healing are told
all while uncovering and destigmatizing the diverse
symptoms of loss Welcome back to the podcast.
If you missed the inauguration episode in the
beginning of this year, well, still, it's your
loss. I'm host Michael LeBlanc and this is John
Angle, a newly acquired friend of mine who works
with death a lot, but recently has had something
kind of shake him in the world of death. And
I'm here to talk to you, John. I'm here to get...
All of the emotions out of your brain. Yeah,
so because mine's giant angle I deal in death.
I'm a great figure and my loss recently as I
lost my dog of 13 years cake She was a really
big part of my life Dealing with death this should
have been something I could have I thought I
would have been able to handle it easier But
it's just been really emotionally straining on
me a big struggle Yeah, uh How how much death
in your life or loss it doesn't even necessarily
have to be death how much big losses do you think
you've had enough to kind of dig up the old five
symptoms of loss machine? Yeah, I think I think
I'm stuck in a part of it right now. I think
I'm I'm sort of like the depression stage. I'm
not quite at acceptance on it. I mean, I've had
some family in the past, obviously, go friends,
people I've known are close to me, but I've gotten
through all those relatively easy, you know,
shed some tears then there and a month or so
later. weeks go by, I'm pretty good. It's been
at least two months now and it still hurts as
bad as it did. I'm still kind of past the bargaining
parts and all that. I'm kind of floating around
somewhere in the middle. I will say this, having
dealt with a little bit myself and talking to
a whole bunch of other people as is the is what
I've set myself to do in this podcast. The timetable
of grief is not one that's ever etched in stone.
It's very fluid. You never really know what's
going to hit you harder and whatnot. But I'd
love to hopefully help you by just at least talking
about this, starting from the top and just working
away to your art now. Like you said, you don't
feel like you should reach acceptance yet. But
maybe just talking about it. with somebody might
help so i mean if you're if you're down we can
go ahead and get started to the the meat and
potatoes of this and of course and that's why
i originally reached out in the first place because
i felt like getting a non -biased party someone
who wasn't tied to it essentially getting and
then building up my story out in your style of
format i think that would really help me get
get somewhere get to closure you know yeah i
hope so Well, please, excuse me. It's not very
often that I have something in front of me to
read, but I feel like I'm trying to add a little
bit more structure to all this. But this is more
along the lines. There's nothing, there's no
like actual like anything steeled and ironed
in with girders or anything like that. The first
thing, I want to make sure that I got the name
right. Did you say Cake, C -A -K -E or Cake?
Okay. Great name. And I know that from the little
bit of conversation that we had, you said that
you got her, she was like six months? Six weeks.
Six weeks. Six weeks. Yeah. Just started eating
solid food. Tell me about the name. Why Cake?
So growing up, big fan of the cartoon show Adventure
Time. I don't know if you've probably seen it
or heard of it. Oh, I love it. I love it. I feel
like everybody should see it. Exactly. They had
the one episode, Theo didn't take the gender
swap one. Yeah. when i got her female dog so
i couldn't ever take the dog and i figured you
know take the dog would be good and nobody can
ever be mad at cake you can't be mad and yell
cake yeah it's like trying to yell the word bubbles
doesn't it doesn't come out the the mouth the
same way I am a huge fan of Adventure Time and
I actually I don't know if you've seen the the
episodes that are available on HBO or Max or
whatever it is called, but there is a wonderful
series about Fiona and cake and How they they
they wind up like coming out of the mind of Simon
and they're like real flesh and blood in the
real world It's great. It's great. I have to
check that out. Absolutely And also the Adventure
Time other lands or something like they were
it was a short series where there were like 45
minute long episodes. One of them is about the
world of the dead. It's great. It's great. Check
it out. So cake at six weeks old. I love it.
I love that name. Why, why a dog? I guess really.
Are you a dog person? I am a dog person. I've
had a couple of dogs growing up, you know, and
as a kid, not old enough to understand. They
come times, you know, ran away. So I'd have for
a couple of years as a family dog named my brother.
Then one day we come up from school and the dog's
gone. So. It's more like a family thing. She
was my first like my pet like I was responsible
for her I took care of her, you know a type of
thing was my first like adult pet type of thing
and I Was in a weird spot in between jobs and
I had nothing to do and friend of a friend They
had a dog it had a litter of pit bull terriers.
That's what she is sort of the American Stadfordshire
terriers want to get technical but um He was
gonna be one of my other questions. What kind
of dog got there? Yeah, but um He ended up bringing
her up to show me, he was a seller to me, but
the moment he gave me her, she just immediately
crawled up me, nuzzled into my neck, and was
just so at home and peaceful. He's like, clearly
that dog's made for you, and he just gave me
the dog for free. Well, I love that. Just on
the spot, like, nope, that's your dog now. He
goes, don't even worry about it, goes, all yours.
Oh man, there's only been a few times in my life
that I've had a choice of... of getting an animal
and then like you know that immediate attachment
like I've had a lot of I've had a lot of cats
in my life and there are not a lot of cats that
automatically latch on to you like that but there's
been a couple in my life and that feeling is
it's a nice feeling it's it is she was only like
maybe four or five pounds like literally this
big you could put her in like a cargo pocket
once you when I first got her so I used to carry
around I'd wear big like bdu jackets and stuff
like that have her in a pocket or something else
stuffed in my hoodie pocket with her whole head
poking out. So she was always with me until she
was six, seven months old and I started going
back to work and like leaving her at home regularly
without me. Yeah. So any things with anxiety
or anything or? No, she was, I mean, for me or
her? Well, let's say her. But we can talk about
your anxiety too, if you'd like. No, luckily
I... I still live with my parents. I help them
take care of their house, stuff like that. They're
both elderly and not in great health. So she
always had someone to be with at home. She really
laughed around with my parents too. So she always
had somebody to be with. And one of my favorite
things, I miss it every day. When I get home
from work, a big front bay window with a couch
next to it. So every day I'd pull in my car,
she'd be standing there waiting for me in the
window. You know, I have a cat that does that.
Not very often do you have a cat who's like,
so about you that he shows up at the door like
as soon as he hears you. And he's starting to
do it with my wife too. It took him a couple
of years to get to that point. But I mean, that's
the great thing about a cat or a pet in general,
not just a cat, a pet that is excited to see
you and shows you that thing that we all know
that we are like, we are their life. Like they
are parts of our life because we've got work,
we've got taxes, we've got tariffs to worry about.
Exactly. Topical. But, you know, for them, it's
just like, hey, you're home. It's time to feed
me, pet me, love me, let me be part of your life.
Those kind of pets are just, they're just great.
And from what I remember, you had, you had 13
years, right? Yeah. Yep. Same place, like? Same
place. She lived in the same house. You know,
I'm still here, but she lived in the same place,
ran around the same property and community for
her whole life. Okay. Well, that's uh, that's
that's the nice warm awesome parts of it, but
let's uh, let me ask what happened so She ended
up picking up I never had her spayed as a at
all important away She had puppies when she was
five, but never to stay and I guess it that can
lead to In an elderly dog they can get an infection
when they're in heat or going through them At
some point she picked up an infection and she
she hit it pretty well by not letting on to any
of us that she was feeling ill or anything. And
then I went out, me and my partner went on vacation
with her parents. She seemed fine. And over the,
over the week I was gone, she stopped eating,
lost a bunch of weight. I got home, she'd probably
lost 20 pounds. And then a day later it was a
regular emergency that very short after we found
out what was happening. Wow. Yeah. And animals,
especially like, uh, like domesticated mammals,
um, They, they just live like, like if something
goes wrong with them, there's like, Oh, this
is wrong with me now, but it's okay. My owner
is here. I'm still getting food. Everything's
fine. It's just something that I have to live
with. Now. I've seen that happen a couple of
times in it. It always sucks. Denial. Right.
Yeah. Oh yeah. So tell me about the first, the
first few days after everything was, was said
and done. So the hardest was definitely the next
day going to work because again as a great figure
we also run a crematorium and I want to thank
my bosses for being the great people they are
because I called them the day before because
we knew we had already scheduled her getting
put down and the company who did that to semi
-locals they do house calls so luckily we were
able to find someone to do a house call so she
got put down in the house she lived in I thought
it was better than that but The hardest day was
the next day I went to work because they had
her ashes. They stayed for me waiting to bring
her down after it was over to cremate her for
me, so I'd have her. The hardest part was getting
there in the morning. Sorry. It's okay, man.
The hardest part was getting there and my boss
comes and goes, hey, we have her. She's ready
for you. I'm like, okay, I'm not ready. Yeah.
I've recently lost a pet. It was to cancer. Yeah.
happened quicker than I thought it was going
to. When I caught it at first, I thought it was
a hernia. Took them to the vet and they let me
know, it's like, hey, this is a tumor. We can
cut it out now. I'm like, cool. I'd say within
a week, it was twice the size it was when they
first cut it out. The whole time, I was telling
myself, it was kind of like a pre -denial type
thing. If I say that I'm not ready if I say that
his brother isn't ready. This is somehow going
to stay the course and that I can keep him alive
and in the back of my mind. And maybe for you
too, you know it's selfish. You know it's selfish,
but it's hard. It's hard. I'm sorry you went
through that. When did you – how long did it
take you for you to go – to get that breath in
and go, okay, you know, I've got to – I've got
to accept, I've got to accept the ashes. I've
got to move forward at least with that stage.
Oh, I waited right till the end of the day. Like
until like we worked seven to three was 2 45.
We're getting ready to leave the cemetery. And
I finally walked back in. I'm like, it's time.
And then they just ended me like, it's a very
nice bag. And so they do their, but they handed
it to me and they gave me a hug. Do you feel
that you working in the environment you did helped
any with your thought process during that? Honestly,
I want to say yes, but I don't think so. I mean,
it should have, but it really should have. Well,
it should have when it comes to the human psyche
is its best wishes at best. So, I mean, what
about now? Like, you know, two months and, you
know, you say you've been through a few stages,
but I mean, is there still any part of you that,
you know, wakes up in the morning and is ready
to hear like the paw prints on the floorboard
or? No, I've accepted that. I know she's, you
know, she's in her box, she's not. The first
couple days, I have pellet stoves, you know,
wood burning pellet stoves, so they kind of,
in the pellet straw, they kind of make that sound.
So a couple, a little bit to get used to that
not being her. But no, I mean, at this point,
I know, I know she's gone. It's still hard. Of
course. So that leads you to the next stage,
which is anger. And I'm going to take a wild
swing here. and say that there was probably some
internalized anger going on. Oh yeah, a lot of
it. I was really mad at myself for not noticing
sooner. Even after our vet recommended some things
that could have been done, like a surgery or
like an experimental medicine, but both of them
also could have just killed her in a more painful
way. But like this selfish part, like you said,
part of me was angry for not trying more. doing
more, noticing it sooner. I thought back to years
ago, when I didn't get her spayed, I'm like,
I should have done that, you know, 10 years ago.
If you don't mind me asking, was it just the
thing where it just kind of passed you by or
you thought that everything was going to be okay?
Like, what was the thought process behind that?
My friends, close by friends of mine, have a
bunch of shepherds and they've never had any
of their spayed. I've known people who just haven't
gotten them spayed. She's had a litter of puppies
once when she was four, I believe. And that's
because she got out off her leash, you know,
ran around, got a little taste of the town type
of thing. Right. But I mean, after that, I never
had an issue. I never thought of – I didn't want
to put her into a surgery because I figured that'd
be scary for her. And she was healthy and fine,
not being neutered. She didn't have her promiscuous
life. I didn't have other dogs to worry about.
So I didn't think it was a big deal. Then later
on, you're kicking your butt for it. How did
that – how did her look? I mean, I definitely
tried to like keep it to myself. I would say
more or less, you know, it's one of the things
where you're in your car driving to work or you're
in the shower at night and you're just mad at
yourself, like blaming yourself, looking in the
mirror like, you should have done better. You
could have done like, why did you do this type
of stuff? So it really, it really was internalized.
I don't know, like at the time that I lost a
couple of I'm close with people and pet. The
last time I lost a person, it was my father.
And the anger, there was a lot of anger for me
and mine was, it was all external. I don't know,
I kind of just wanted to let it out. Like I did
a lot of screaming, I snapped at people. It was,
I don't know, I just, I knew that those emotions,
like they become acid eventually, if you keep
them in there for too long. Which, if anybody
watches anything I say, you'll hear me say eventually
that anxiety and anger are a lot smaller and
more easier to deal with when they're out of
your chest. Was there anybody you could, like,
just kind of vent to? Did you want to vent to
anybody? I mean, I definitely had people I could
have vented to, my partner, I got a bunch of
close friends, people who reached out to me during
the day of, day prior to it, like the whole thing
going down, but I didn't want to. I guess, again,
part of my whole profession, I was trying to...
put on the brave face and try to bear the burden
for everybody else who is also sad and dealing
with that one to be strong for them type of thing,
I guess you could say. Fair enough. And like
I said, I work in the industry. So I mean, Gravedigger
is trying to be crying about that. That is an
interesting tableau to see just a really depressed
Gravedigger just bawling into the tears, into
the dirt. So did anybody acerbate? Acerbate?
Is that the word? Did anybody make your anger
worse by like kind of dismissing your feelings?
I hope not, but it happens with a pet. To me
was too soon and kind of like getting kind of
like advocating me that how are you already thinking
of a new dog? At that point two weeks went by
Now they started bringing up new pets. I'm like,
it's it's too soon to be thinking about that
I kind of started a little something but what
did you get to the point where they understood?
Yeah. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Was there
anything else that you felt that was I Don't
know kind of burning at you or was that was that
pretty much it I mean I said most of it was just
things that I retrospectively could have done.
You know, the old hindsight type of things was
really burning at me. Not so much other people
and their reactions. For the most part, nobody
really pressed issues about it or like many things
like comments that would seem off -putting for
about losing a pet type of thing. A lot more
of it was just about things that I wish I could
have done better or would have realized or everything
you wish you could have done that you can't,
type of thing. I feel like if anything that that
naturally goes into the bargaining stage right
there, right? Yeah. I mean, that's, I don't know
what your belief on a higher power is or anything
like that, but you know, a lot of people, if
they do have something where they feel that can
right the wrong, a lot of, you know, a lot of
hard, sad or angry prayers or just thoughts out
there to the universe is like, hey, you know,
if I had a chance, I would do it all over again,
but I would do something different. And I mean,
I feel like we've kind of, we've kind of visited.
So like you already, you've already mentioned
you, you wish that you had gotten her spayed.
And you know, if it makes you feel any better,
like I'm, I'm an animal guy, dogs, cats, fish,
hamsters, snails. I've, I've had a pretty good
plenthora of animals to take care of over my
life. And some have gone better. Some have gone
worse, but There are so many things that you
hear, so many conflicting health ideologies when
it comes to elective surgeries that might curb
something later on, diets, even how to care for
your pet's mental health. There are so many different
things to bombard you with that you just kind
of have to choose and hope for the best, especially
if it's a situation out of love. You're not just
breeding animals. This is a companion that you...
you know, carry with you for 13 years. And I'm
sure somebody's already said this and I hate
platitudes. I like words. I like to spin together
words and realize that not the same sentence
is good for everybody. But I hope someone has
told you this by now, that you couldn't have
known. Yeah. Okay. Good. Because I hope out of
anything, if anybody else said to you, because
you couldn't have. We try so hard to read the
future, man. And we just We can't do it. We can't
read minds, and we can't read the future. We
kind of suck at that as human beings. I mean,
honestly, even the day we rushed her to the emergency
vet, he even told me that, and I goes, hey, this
is something that doesn't happen very often,
because you wouldn't have known until it gets
to that point where it's too late. Good. That's
a good doctor. I'll be honest with you. Some
doctors don't do that. They just look at you
and go, this is what you should have done. And
I'm like, are you really coming at me with that
energy right now? What the fuck is wrong with
you? Oh, man. Were there any other things that
you were thinking of that you could have done
differently? I mean, now's the time. Get it out.
Honestly, health -wise, she had a healthy life.
I mean, other than like spaying, if I would have
known that. I think the only thing I could have
done differently, if I could have, I would have
spent more time with her. Amen to that. That's
amazing. That's a blessing in itself, man. The
fact that that's the only other thing that you
can think of and shit. I'll be honest with you,
I'd love my cat to death. He's so comforting
when I'm here. He's so chill. He's one of the
best cat -like cats I've ever had in my life.
I give him the good stuff on the weekends, the
catnip. We both take our medicine at the same
time every day. Like he knows it's eight o 'clock
dad, it's time for my hyperthyroidism and it's
time for your diabetes. Like it's, and I'll be
honest with you, every time I see him, it's like,
man, I could have spent a little bit more time
with you today, but I got to go make money to
afford the medicine that we both take at eight
o 'clock. And yeah, like I said, it's a blessing
to only have those two things. I hope you see
it like that. I can't force that view on you,
but from the outside looking in, I'm really glad
you don't have bigger and more regrets, man.
I mean, gets in trouble once in a while. She'd
now go through the trash here and there. No more
than, you know, an average dog, but she was a
good dog overall. She was quiet. She barked.
They're like, biggest thing, doesn't like bicycles.
Not people on, but doesn't like bicycles. Don't
know why. It's not about two wheels. I don't
know. Gravity, physics. What about, what about
motorcycle? They don't like those either. They
don't like loud stuff. so yeah all right so two
wheels and making two wheels louder yeah probably
wasn't it just wouldn't wouldn't fit man well
i mean i'm not going to say and in fact i i am
going to say but believe me this this is not
my viewpoint that you know as we've been talking
you've you've shown your emotion i mean and and
that's that's great. That's huge. Because again,
keeping it in is just horrible. But I don't think
necessarily the fact that you're quick to get
into the fields and maybe have a cry that necessarily
like it's part of like a depression type thing.
I think it's more along the lines of just still
raw wounds. But depression is the next stage.
I think maybe if you want to, I would love to
hear what were some of your hardest moments that
just kind of drove it home for you. That cake
was where cake is. I mean, I think first of all,
the hardest moment was I knew she passed. They
came, I got to hold her. And like when they put
the two shots in the first shot to push the sleeve
and I held her until, you know, the stethoscope
and that, I mean, between that moment, and getting
her ashes back. Like, I was almost unfit, so
I just, I really couldn't be positive with anything,
just other than thinking of her. I don't know,
it was carrying her to the car and carrying her
out of the car to the facility to have her cremated.
I mean, I feel like that's probably the saddest
I've, I don't think I've ever been that sad for
my entire life over anything. I mean, that was
the hardest thing I've, I feel like I've ever
had to deal with. Well, I mean, it's a huge downswing
on emotions in general. And I'll be honest with
you, handling anything that's past, I don't know
what it's about in my childhood or whatever in
my life that has made me feel physically uncomfortable,
like on my hands and arms, wherever I'm touching,
whatever dead thing happens to be touching me
at the time. Maybe it's just natural revulsion.
I'm not quite sure what it is, but it felt like
it added to it. It added It added that depression
feeling of like a real depression feeling of
body aches to go along with the doldrums that
you're in. Is those kinds of moments, those kinds
of feelings, they kind of shape what you do on
the days, weeks, months after. What would you
say is your most noticeable change in the way
that you do your day -to -day stuff that feels
might be due to this emotion? Well, I have Raj's
help now, but I have her dog bed set up in the
back room of her house in the corner. All of
her toys, her leftover treats. I don't know what
to think of that she liked. Every morning I get
my cup of coffee. I say good morning to her.
I know. I mean, to acceptance would be to finally
like it's my shrine, but I want to put her up
on her shelf, you know, like to actually not
have not have that. And I feel like that's. What
they can get past that part of it right now,
which is like a my depression. It's still in
her at least in her bed I still see every morning,
but I feel like once they get you know past this
part I can you know take her stuff. You know
away put pack I'm not gonna get rid of them gonna
pack it up, but Like I finally put on display.
You know she should be right now, but When I
get to that step, I think that's all I'm gonna
get to my acceptance, but right now It's I know
she's but it helps that I have her where she
is now That makes sense. Oh, definitely. Again,
there's no timetable on this. It's not like she's,
I don't know if you believe in an afterlife.
If you do, it's not like she's up there looking
down at you going, hey, come on. Come on, hurry
up. My mom always used to tell me that death
is all about the living. And I never fully understood
that until she passed away. And I'll be honest
with you, you didn't really even start really
believing it until therapy much later. when I
realized that I just, the grief, the way that
I was handing on my grief, I was raw dogging
it. These things that I tell people now and these
conversations that I engage with, I wasn't having
any of that. For me, dealing with trauma was
sarcasm and creation. Arch videos, lose myself
in the act of creating something. And then when
anybody wants to talk about it, you know, just
have jokes, which don't get me wrong. I have
a whole playlist on my TikTok called, uh, skull
parents skull, because no one ever expects a
dead parent joke. And if they do, they're probably
following me. It doesn't sound like you're, you're,
uh, you're writing. Well, I don't know. It sounds
like you're writing into acceptance, John. If
I'm, if I'm to be honest, it doesn't sound like
you're there yet. Sounds like you're slowly plotting
your way into there. And that is fine. And I'll
be honest with you, keep having these kinds of
conversations with people who are willing to
have them with you, because that's going to be
invaluable. You're going to look back on that.
And in this moment, as fresh as it is, you can't
see it now, but you're going to look back, be
happy for the moments that you did have where
you were able to talk to people who actually
cared about your situation and is going to bring
a smile to your face. Oh, yeah. But. By all means,
don't force that now because it's disingenuous.
So here we are. I feel like you're in depression.
What are your coping mechanisms? What does coping
look like to you? Honestly, just trying to keep
busy with stuff like work or socialing with my
friends or I play a lot of video games in my
free time too when I can. Just try to keep myself
occupied doing something else. Like keep going,
you know, just moving around, mind occupied,
stuff like that. You know idle hands and that
situation does allow the brain to kind of keep
going back to those memories of thoughts Yeah,
what kind of video games you're into right now?
I play a lot of first person shooters most of
the time play a lot of armor reforger right now
So me and my one buddy started playing some hunting
game. It was on Xbox Game Pass. It was pretty
hokey. So we thought, hey, it'd be fun to play
that, run around, shoot some animals and wildlife
type of preserve situation. So we've been doing
that past couple of days. It's very hokey type
of game. It's fun to screw around with your friends
and more of us just chit -chatting and bullshitting
than doing anything really intensive. And I think
that's what's helping me a lot, just chatting
with my friends on consoles or like that. I'm
excited to do it, just talking to people, not
even about the dog or the loss, just like you
said, idle mind, idle hand, just trying to keep
something going. Yeah. Video games and coping
for me, especially in the fresh few months, weeks
or months, depending on how hard it hit me, that's
always been huge for me. In fact, I can remember
the first time that I really got upset. Well,
kind of. I don't know how I really handled it.
was young 13 14 had a dog who the first real
dog that we had because we had had like Dogs
like right when I was young and then like a whole
slew of cats But my dad was gifted to dog and
I was like, alright, cool. I didn't understand
him. I Knew I liked him. I didn't know how to
handle dogs. Like I said, I was a cat person
up to that point but my dad comes and visits
the place that I'm staying at at my friends.
It was very weird to have my parents come find
me there. Normally, they knew if I was over at
my friend's house that I was good. They didn't
have to worry about me. Him showing up, I was
like, what's going on? He's like, hey, I just
want to let you know that somebody found Skylar,
the dog, out in the kudzu. If you don't know
what kudzu is, it's a very fast growing vine.
in the south and takes over everything, very
invasive species. But our backyard was just covered
with it and we said we found him back there.
He was obviously poisoned. And the way he delivered
it too, my dad was not a man of tact. He just
went, someone killed the dog. And I was like,
oh damn, that sucks. He's like, yeah, I'll see
you at home. And so I go back inside, me and
my friend, I call him my brother now. uh because
we've just been through so much shit and we were
playing Killer Instinct at the time and I I unpaused
it I just sat down cross -legged in front of
there and I'm just laser focused on the game
now and he's like what was that all about and
I just kind of turned my head I was like someone
killed my damn dog can we play and between that
Final Fantasy 7 and Parasite Eve I think those
were the things that we were playing at that
point That started me needing that solace in
the first couple of weeks or months of playing
video games. Baldur's Gate, I got into that after
my dad died. Big game to get into with me. If
you're gonna get lost in a game, might as well
keep that. That and loud music, man. That was
one of my coping mechanisms too. Still is, I
guess. Yeah, I mean, I'm a big fan of music,
but even at work, I do a lot of audiobooks that
help me. I gotta focus on something that cannot
let my mind wander. Yeah. And I guess that's
really what it's all about for a lot of people
is to let your mind wander. Let the subconscious,
I guess, kind of pick up the pieces for a little
bit. And if there's something wrong, maybe it'll
start waving and go, hey, I need some attention.
You're making cereal and you're crying right
now. We need to address this. Yeah. But I can
only hope for you that And that you will, you'll
get to that acceptance. Don't try to push it,
I feel. I don't think you're trying to. It doesn't
sound like, but I do want to ask, and it's something
that I'm always kind of curious of. Are you holding
what you're feeling right now in relation to
other losses that you've had? Like, are you trying
to compare the two? Honestly, I know, because
I've lost in close runs and stuff like that,
and nothing does compare to what I feel for the
loss of my dog. I guess the closeness of her,
as I've experienced, she's been like a something
that I've had that 13 years consecutive day in
and day out like with so the regularity of her
in my life versus people or aunts and uncles,
this and cousin stuff like that. I'm definitely
not trying to compare or anything. I guess maybe
it's more of my first real solid like adult loss,
you know, like last real big family death. An
uncle of ours died eight years ago that I met
maybe three times when I was like eight years
old. And what connection there is really to get
severed, right? At best, you don't get a chance
to meet them again for a fourth time. And that
is, okay, well, that's good. I'm glad. I asked
that because I've had a bunch of conversations
where people go, I don't understand why it hurts
different, but I feel like you do. I feel like
you understand why it hurts different, and that's
why it's your first big adult loss. Now, I do
say loss. There are other losses that happen
as an adult, such as relationship status, work
status. I mean, big losses make the five stages
happen all over again in various differing degrees.
Sometimes they happen in a flash. You go from
bargaining to acceptance in 30 minutes because
you realize why you lost what you lost. And I
think there's also kind of a blessing that you
have that we can kind of, you know what happened.
You know, all of it makes sense biologically,
timeline and everything. Again, that's a little
bit of a blessing, man. Yeah, I'd say so too.
I mean, in a way, you're right. It's a blessing
that I might have to compare this or deal with.
Judgment of all their huge losses like so I'm
theoretically the next couple should be easier
go into it with that mentality One of the things
that I was going to ask is what do you look forward
to? Do you look forward to anything now that
this this vacuum has been created? Is there is
there something that you want to do something
that you think you want to try? I've always been
Since I've had her if you about taking a long
vacation as long stays away from her type of
thing and then I guess now that I don't have
to worry about her being here by herself or with
the parents or whatever, just me not being around
to make sure she's okay. I get to get a little
more freedom to go travel a bit more now. I don't
have to worry so much. You know, don't feel guilty
thinking about that. It's really easy to do that.
But there are two things kind of helping you
along with that. If I were you, this is that
I would be thinking about. One, she's a She wasn't
sentient enough to know that when it's all said
and done, you're going to go on a vacation without
her. And two, doing things, doing positive things
in the memory of something or someone that you've
lost. I think that kind of helps along maybe
getting you towards acceptance. I know I tell
a lot of stories about myself in this too, but
it's one of the ways that I relate with the person
that I'm talking to. And after one of my biggest...
non -death losses in my life, and that was the
separation leading into the divorce of my first
marriage. My brother went, pack your shit. You're
coming to the West Coast for a vacation. You've
never seen the West Coast. You're gonna go see
it. And I was like, ugh. And he's like, I'm paying
for it. And so if you don't come after I pay
for it, I'm just gonna be pissed. And I was like,
ugh. Same guy, same guy, by the way, that I played
video games with. While I was there... I don't
know if it was because he gave me something to
worry about because the way he drives sometimes
scares the shit out of me, or it was just something
new. My brain was embracing something new in
the midst of all that. Do it, man. Go on a vacation.
In fact, go on a vacation, and if you want to,
I would love to do a follow -up episode with
you. Actually, I have a trip planned next month.
I'm going out to Cleveland, Ohio. My best friend,
my essential brother or another mother. He's
getting married. Nice. So I want to be one of
the crewmen who's been at his wedding and I'm
excited for that. Dude, do it. Do it. Get lost
out there for a couple of days. I really, your
journey is not done and I hope nothing but the
best for you in this journey. And seriously,
if you want to do like a follow -up episode,
like towards the end of the year, by all means,
man, reach back out. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Is
there anything that you want to plug, like a
channel or anything, or are you just out there
doing this? Sat here to exist most of all but
uh two things on our show real quick. Yeah, please
I did break bring cake out here with me. So she
was also part of the podcast. I love that. Hello
cake and I always sent you a bunch of photos
of her from her life all that I'm gonna have
some of I'm gonna have some of those on the screen.
I'm just gonna let you know that oh, yeah, but
my partner surprised me yesterday with a printout
of Me and her on her last book. It's a pretty
good clear John, that's lovely, man. That's great.
I love the people in our life who care enough
about us and the way that we feel to kind of
help immortalize the way that we felt about our
loved ones. That's great. Well, John, thank you
so much for sharing, man. I really hope this
gets you like on even further into the acceptance
area. Let's keep in touch. I want to make sure
that you know. I feel like our talk right now.
I feel a lot better overall that your story's
out there now. Thanks, man. I'm glad. I'm starting
to feel a little bit better, but I'll definitely
keep in touch and let you know when I finally
get to that stage of acceptance. All right. Well,
don't rush it, and can't wait to hear what your
journey is going to be. John Engel, thank you
so much for showing up, showing in, showing out
your emotions, man. I really appreciate that.
As always, I'm your host, Michael LeBlanc, and
if you happen to miss next month's episode, still,
it's your loss. Thanks so much, Sean. Of course.
Thank you for having me. No problem. Bye -bye.