1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,760 Fun fact, I don't know how to do math, and I thought that if I did from April to December, 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:12,160 that that's eight months, but if you counted on your fingers like I did seven times to 3 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:16,000 try to get it right, that's nine months. 4 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:22,000 So I shorted myself a podcast episode, and I really thank you for that. 5 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,280 You're welcome. 6 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:29,360 Welcome to It's Your Lost podcast, where raw stories of resilience and healing are told, 7 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:37,920 while uncovering and destigmatizing the diverse symptoms of loss. 8 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,280 Welcome back to the podcast. 9 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,480 If you missed last month's episode, well, it's your loss. 10 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:47,240 I'm host Michael LeBlanc, and I have with me here DeltaForks. 11 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:48,240 That's his name. 12 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,240 Nobody questioned it. 13 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:53,080 I'm going to call him D. He looks very tactical. 14 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,640 He sounds very tactical. 15 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,600 And my God is his hair amazing. 16 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,720 D, how are you doing today? 17 00:00:58,720 --> 00:00:59,720 I'm doing pretty good. 18 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:00,720 Thanks for the compliment. 19 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,680 It's longer than I normally have it. 20 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:07,880 So if I'm brushing it out of the way, I'm not flexing or anything. 21 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:08,880 It's a good swoop. 22 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:09,880 It's a good swoop. 23 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:14,200 I'm just jealous because I'm just rapidly losing the top of my hair, and I thought that 24 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,600 I wouldn't be going bald like my father, but I am. 25 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:21,480 So I'm taking my loss and turning it into compliments for anybody who I think has got 26 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,880 some good stuff going on. 27 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:24,880 Also, it's just good to start with a compliment. 28 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:25,880 Yeah. 29 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,480 I mean, I'm going gray, but you can't really see it. 30 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,120 I'm going gray in weird places. 31 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:35,360 Like obviously on the bottom of my beard, I'm going gray, but like I'm getting these 32 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:42,680 weird hairs right here on the ridge of my nose that grow out really quick, very thick. 33 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:45,960 So like I noticed like I go to scratch and like something's like rubbing against my finger. 34 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:46,960 So I pluck those. 35 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,280 Those are white as the driven snow. 36 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,600 I, there's no evolutionary advantage to that. 37 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,560 I have no idea why that's happening to me. 38 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,240 I've been, I've been going gray over white hair. 39 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,240 Since I was 13. 40 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:00,240 Oh, here and there. 41 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:05,560 But now it's starting to poke up in my beard and everything like that. 42 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,240 Even though it's really short, you can't really see it. 43 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,240 No, no, I can't. 44 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:09,240 I can't. 45 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:10,240 It's the mystery under there. 46 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,160 The mystery, the national man of mystery, I guess. 47 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,600 It's just kind of been something I've always known was going to happen. 48 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:15,600 Yeah. 49 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:19,160 I don't want to steal too much from other people's podcasts, but there's this one that 50 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,160 I really enjoy. 51 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:26,160 And in fact, we talked about this a little bit earlier before this episode. 52 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,840 And that's Josh's last meals and one of the things that he asks, and I've been meaning 53 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:35,160 to kind of just weave it into mine because it kind of just fits so well with it. 54 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,800 How often do you think about death? 55 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,520 Not super often, but not, not often. 56 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,360 I don't know what the normal amount is. 57 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,120 I don't know if there is one. 58 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:48,480 Maya, I guess I have a weird relationship with my own mortality. 59 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:53,360 We'll probably get into it later, but the short answer is that I don't really care. 60 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:54,360 Yeah. 61 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:55,480 We're going to have to come back to that one. 62 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:59,440 So first things first, we're going to dive in into things that you've lost and everything. 63 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,640 And I'll go ahead and ask all the pertinent questions. 64 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:02,720 And we'll talk about that. 65 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:07,800 This is a podcast about loss after all with the pieces of information that you gave me, 66 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:11,680 the same place that I have people sign up over there at sittingwithyou.com, forward slash 67 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,680 podcast. 68 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:13,680 Go over there. 69 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,920 If you want to be a part of my podcast as being a guest on the episode, there was a shorter 70 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,320 way to say that, I'm sure. 71 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,320 Sounded good to me. 72 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,320 Oh, thanks. 73 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,240 I ask people what their favorite game is. 74 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,440 Sometimes that gives me the chance to play like a virtual board game with somebody like 75 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:33,440 I got to play a battleship on paper back and forth with somebody. 76 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:38,360 But I don't know how I'd be able to play this with you during the podcast because one, I 77 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:42,560 don't have a PlayStation and two, I would just be distracted all hell. 78 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,360 No conversation would actually happen. 79 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,800 You enjoy hell divers. 80 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:52,440 I bought it day one and suffered through the, well, I say suffered, but they suffered from 81 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,440 their own success. 82 00:03:53,440 --> 00:04:00,720 And I've been a pretty big supporter of the developers since it's come out, mostly because 83 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:04,960 it's such a good, like they're good to their customers. 84 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,040 No, it seems like it. 85 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:14,280 And I appreciate that when some of the other games I play, they hate me or they just want 86 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:15,960 your money like most of the others. 87 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,560 I guess probably one of the more interesting things is while they were having several problems, 88 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:26,000 I got frustrated and started converting all of the stuff into D&D, not D&D itself, but 89 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,800 I think my statement was I'm going to play this game one way or another. 90 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:35,040 One of the things that I like is when people enjoy an IP, they turn it into their own tabletop 91 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:39,440 playing game because tabletop role playing has been a huge part of like keeping me sane 92 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,880 as you could find out like in my book. 93 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:46,280 Here it is right here, a dink D&D in the coffin hold of the USS enterprise. 94 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,240 There's going to be an ad read for that later audience. 95 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,120 So listen for that. 96 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:54,720 There's some river world, which was turned into a really good tabletop. 97 00:04:54,720 --> 00:05:00,400 And then there's this one system called aberrant, which you basically you just use a percent 98 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,680 dice, you could turn that in pretty much anything. 99 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,440 And that was really cool. 100 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:11,360 So yeah, I could see where that could definitely be a good passion project turning that into 101 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,880 to a D&D esque type style. 102 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,000 I have a quiz here that popped up at the top of my Google feed. 103 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,240 So it's got to be the best. 104 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:25,400 And it's called How much do you know about Hell Divers to so queue up the game music. 105 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,800 And we're just going to go ahead and run through this. 106 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:31,280 We got two and a half minutes to go through these questions. 107 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:32,640 And hopefully it won't take that long. 108 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:33,640 All right. 109 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,880 First and foremost, who is the publisher of the Hell Divers series? 110 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:37,880 We can do multiple. 111 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:38,880 Okay. 112 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:39,880 You already know. 113 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:40,880 All right. 114 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:41,880 Cool. 115 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:42,880 We got that. 116 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:43,880 Let's see. 117 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:44,880 Oh, according to this, you got that wrong. 118 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:45,880 It was Sony. 119 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,240 I'm starting to guess the developer was. 120 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:49,240 Yeah. 121 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:50,240 Okay. 122 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,240 Good. 123 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,720 I'm starting to guess the validity of this quiz. 124 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:58,080 Hell Divers series takes heavily heavy inspirations from this one. 125 00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,080 I know. 126 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,080 Stars of Troopers. 127 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,280 Absolutely. 128 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:06,760 So much so that Liberation Day is October 26. 129 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,360 And that's when the book was published. 130 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,080 By the way, did you know that? 131 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,520 I found that out today. 132 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:12,920 I did that. 133 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,440 Who is the creative director of the game series? 134 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,200 I have multiple choice if you need it. 135 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,520 It should be Pielstad or something like that. 136 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:22,520 Pielstad. 137 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,520 I have Johan Pielstad. 138 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:25,520 Correct answer. 139 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,520 Good job. 140 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:31,520 What kind of game is the first Hell Divers title? 141 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:32,760 It's Top Down. 142 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,440 Top Down Shooter. 143 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:35,720 Correct. 144 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,600 You are, you're killing it, my guy. 145 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,120 Except for the first one. 146 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,120 Except for the first one. 147 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:46,680 Yeah, Hell Divers 2 includes a permanent blank feature. 148 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,120 I'll give you multiple questions here. 149 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,560 We have unlimited ammo, difficulty scale, death. 150 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:52,840 They spelled difficulty wrong, by the way. 151 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,040 I just want to point that out. 152 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,040 And Friendly Fire. 153 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,880 Well, Friendly Fire is always on here. 154 00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:58,880 So I would go with that. 155 00:06:58,880 --> 00:06:59,880 Yeah. 156 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,960 And they said that they're never going to change it because it's part of the charm of the 157 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,520 game and also to recode that would be a nightmare. 158 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,360 What is the fictional planet in Hell Divers called? 159 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,360 What, Super Earth? 160 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,360 Super Earth. 161 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,400 It's the only one that makes sense because the first one's Tatooine and I went, I know 162 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:16,400 that's not right. 163 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,400 Yeah. 164 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,400 What game engine does it use? 165 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,400 It's Unreal. 166 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,400 Unreal 4 or 5? 167 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,240 Oh, I don't know. 168 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,400 I would go with 4. 169 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,400 5 is... 170 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,400 4. 171 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,800 We're doing 4. 172 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,800 It was the Autodesk Stingray. 173 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:32,800 Okay. 174 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,120 Yeah, that seems wrong. 175 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:38,560 What year did the first Hell Divers game release? 176 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,760 2015, I think. 177 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:41,760 Correct. 178 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,240 And what kind of game is Hell Divers 2? 179 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:45,240 It's a third person. 180 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,240 Third person shooter. 181 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:47,240 We have two seconds left. 182 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,880 Did we answer all of them in time? 183 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,360 We did not. 184 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,360 Unfortunate. 185 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,840 We're not real gamers. 186 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:54,840 We're not real gamers. 187 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,920 We got a total of 70 points. 188 00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:59,400 How about a nice cup? 189 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:02,640 This is what you've earned, this statement. 190 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,200 You can go ahead and print this on. 191 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,200 It's yours now. 192 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,200 You can do whatever you want. 193 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,640 How about a nice cup of Liberty? 194 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:09,640 All right. 195 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:10,640 Good job. 196 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,560 What's the only certificate that I've ever got that I can't print out? 197 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:18,760 I'll send you a Google Doc of it. 198 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:19,760 But no. 199 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,680 So yeah, the game looks amazing. 200 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,440 A lot of people have been enjoying it. 201 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:28,720 Some people are kind of divided on the whole Liberty aspect of it. 202 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:33,400 In fact, I saw a Reddit post while I was doing kind of like a dive into figuring out how 203 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:38,760 I was going to introduce Helldivers into this episode where they're like, can we dial down 204 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:39,760 the democracy? 205 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,640 I'm like, I don't think you get the point. 206 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,640 I don't think you get the point of why democracy is. 207 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,960 A, democracy is, that sounds treasonous. 208 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:48,960 It does. 209 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,000 But B, satire is a thing. 210 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,240 It is. 211 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:57,120 You can tell people who didn't watch or didn't understand Starship Troopers when this game 212 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,440 first came out. 213 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:03,720 Because people were like, oh God, it's so farcical. 214 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,000 It's so in your face. 215 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:11,120 And then people who didn't know about Starship Troopers started hearing about Starship Troopers 216 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,840 and they were like, oh my God, they ripped this off on my people. 217 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:15,840 Satire is a thing. 218 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,080 And it really depends. 219 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:20,600 They went more with the movie than the book. 220 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:24,840 Because the, is it Paul Verhoeven? 221 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,400 Was the director of the movie? 222 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:33,720 This historical experience is, because he's from Denmark, I believe. 223 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:40,240 And their experience from World War II kind of colored his view of the book. 224 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:41,960 Yeah, I could see that. 225 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,040 The book was very pro-military. 226 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,920 It was a little on the nose. 227 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,960 It might have been, it could have been satire on its own, right? 228 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,960 But it was very like pro-service, pro civil servant ship. 229 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,120 And the movie was like, oh man, this is fascist. 230 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:03,600 The game is just like, just, you know, we're going to go free the shit out of some bugs. 231 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:04,600 Yeah, right. 232 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:05,600 You're part of it. 233 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,920 You're so much of a part of it that you don't know anything else. 234 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:14,840 What's really cool is watching people play it and then like the behind the scenes story 235 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,800 that they're telling with like some of the placements of the dead bodies, the propaganda 236 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,440 that's being shown and everything like that. 237 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:24,360 And you know, there are some people, like the moments where they go, wait a minute, 238 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,480 are we the bad guys? 239 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,680 No, we're not the bad guys. 240 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:29,840 No, we're not the bad guys. 241 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,320 We can't be the bad guys. 242 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,320 We can't be the bad guys. 243 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:36,560 We're literally liberating this planet. 244 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:41,480 You're a defrosted 18, almost 19 year old kid that just got dropped onto a planet and 245 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,720 was eaten by a bug. 246 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,920 Your life existed for five minutes. 247 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:52,640 It's, if as many veteran friends as I have, I mean, I think the quote is the United States 248 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:56,360 figured out that worshiping veterans is better than taking care of them. 249 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:57,360 Yeah. 250 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:02,760 It's an unfortunate thing. 251 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:07,560 And I have, you know, not for lack of trying, but I wasn't a veteran or I'm not a veteran, 252 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,520 but I have a lot of friends that are. 253 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,520 Right. 254 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:14,960 And their experience is very widely, but that's kind of one of the things that they can all 255 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:19,880 kind of, they haven't put it into words because I think a comedian made that quote. 256 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,880 Yeah. 257 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:21,880 So I can't claim it. 258 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:26,600 I could remember who it was, but it's too true. 259 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,080 It's unfortunate. 260 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:34,240 I've seen, I've seen a couple of different sides when it came to people being taken care 261 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:40,640 of by the VA or being put on hold forever for a health thing. 262 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:41,840 And VA is our only health choice. 263 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:45,120 So they just basically have to suffer until they get to it. 264 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:49,520 But I think really it's kind of luck of the draw when you walk into that building on what's 265 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:50,520 going to happen. 266 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:54,880 I think I myself lost pretty much all of my VA benefits for the way that I got out of the 267 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:55,880 military. 268 00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:57,080 It's called an other than honorable. 269 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:02,560 It's paperwork, a paperwork discharge is they just basically strip everything of you and 270 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:07,120 then like kick you out the door and it's like, all right, go with God. 271 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:16,440 And I looking back on it, the way that I acted, which was like a really stressed out early 272 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:21,160 twenties, older teens kid who was married and trying to balance in military. 273 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:25,600 I, I put too much myself quickly and the military didn't care about that. 274 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,800 They were just like, you're not, you're not performing. 275 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:28,800 Right. 276 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,880 So I don't blame them. 277 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,440 I did when I first got out. 278 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:34,440 Sure. 279 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,520 Pretty bitter, pretty sour, but yeah, no anymore. 280 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:44,400 But let's let's not worry about my loss right now. 281 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,400 Let's worry about yours. 282 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,280 All right, so the first thing I'm going to ask is, I don't know exactly what you remember 283 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:55,600 when you filled out the form, but I'll go ahead and ask you, D, what have you lost? 284 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,640 So my childhood was not that bad. 285 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,560 I mean, it was kind of average. 286 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:07,880 I kind of grew up without us, without much of a sense of hope, but that's not what I 287 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:08,880 lost. 288 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,120 I grew up with very like realistic. 289 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:17,720 I grew up real poor and I grew up, you know, my parents didn't sugarcoat it. 290 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,600 You know, they, I never went hungry. 291 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:20,600 They might have gone hungry. 292 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,280 I don't really know if they did. 293 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:28,240 They never showed it, but my family kind of fell apart when I turned 18. 294 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:35,240 And after, after that, I kind of, I feel like my purpose was lost because I, not for lack 295 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,200 of trying, I was, I did attempt to join the military. 296 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,440 It's supposed to be a combat medic. 297 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:47,560 And I, through either a failing in the system or my own failing, I had a back injury that 298 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,240 nobody knew about. 299 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,280 And it turns out when you're supposed to be a combat medic, you're supposed to be able 300 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:53,840 to fire and carry somebody. 301 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:54,840 Yeah. 302 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:59,680 And put their body weight plus 60, 70 pounds of infantry gear. 303 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,400 It turns out I couldn't do that. 304 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:08,160 And they got real mad at, you know, it's the military, you know, it's some, it's an 305 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,160 uncaring machine. 306 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,160 Sure. 307 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:18,160 And is a, in an undisclosed time between 2010 and 2015, they were, which is, you know, middle 308 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,960 and middle into GWAT. 309 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,920 So they, they, they were more cared about getting bodies in there. 310 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:31,760 And I think it was, whether they thought I was just being a quitter or not, it's here 311 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:37,240 nor there, but I either just wasn't tough enough to deal with the injury or I was just 312 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:40,280 too hurt, probably both. 313 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:45,680 But it was just, I think there's no way to prove it, but it's just in like, almost like 314 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,560 a, you know, with something, you know, pulling on your spirit a little bit, like, I think 315 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:54,480 I was supposed to like take a bullet for somebody or save somebody. 316 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,480 Sure. 317 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:59,120 Then either that didn't happen. 318 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:03,560 So like, I wouldn't say that I feel like a sense of a newie afterwards, just kind of 319 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:04,560 that listlessness. 320 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:05,560 Yeah. 321 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,720 But it's, I don't know, it's just something that didn't happen that I feel like it was 322 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:10,720 supposed to happen. 323 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:11,720 Okay. 324 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:16,840 And then kind of after that, you know, you, you, you pick up and do what you have to afterwards 325 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,440 and you have to make money. 326 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,440 Yeah. 327 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:25,200 And then a lot, my family fell apart further after that instead of just being kind of fractured, 328 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,360 it just fell apart totally after that. 329 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:33,280 And then I was left to take care of a couple of family members, all of my own. 330 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:37,360 It was a parent and then a grandparent at the same time. 331 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,840 And my siblings were nowhere to be found. 332 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:49,560 My parents got a divorce shortly after I terminated my enlistment contract in an undisclosed year. 333 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,000 And so that sucked. 334 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:56,080 And then I got a job that was really good at the beginning. 335 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,000 I struggled to say I shouldn't have taken it because the money was pretty good. 336 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,560 And I learned a lot, but it murdered my social life. 337 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:03,560 Okay. 338 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:07,440 None of that's ever really recovered. 339 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:13,760 So not to be too morbid, but like, I think I'm probably still here just out of spite. 340 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,440 You mean here on planet Earth? 341 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:16,440 Yeah. 342 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,440 Out of spite? 343 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:18,440 Okay. 344 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,120 I'm just like, the universe isn't going to get me. 345 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:25,360 Like they don't, they don't get to determine when I go. 346 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,360 Got you. 347 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,880 There, there's something to be said for having a spirit of, you know, middle finger to the 348 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:36,080 stairs, like, you know, you can fuck you, you tried, you know, what is it? 349 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,400 Like in the military, there was the acronym leadership. 350 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,600 And it just had, I forget what all of it lasts. 351 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,600 I haven't heard, I haven't heard that in a while. 352 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:50,080 So much that I forgot that I just remember the small acronyms like FTN, fuck the Navy. 353 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:55,160 It might have been an army thing, but there's this thing called leaderships. 354 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,960 And it all it is just the acronym, the army values. 355 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:58,960 Yeah. 356 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:03,200 And it just adds S on the end and S stands for spite. 357 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,640 And it turns out spite gets a lot of shit done. 358 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:06,640 spite. 359 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:07,640 It does. 360 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:08,640 It does. 361 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,760 It's, it got me started into content creation. 362 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:14,760 It got me not, you know, taking your sewer slide. 363 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:15,760 It gets it done. 364 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:21,600 And I try to, you know, not be like full hate mode with it. 365 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:27,320 But you know, it's, it's my personal freedom to make that decision. 366 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:33,080 If you basically attacking the world with spite, hey, look what I can do. 367 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,680 I can do this in spite of everything else. 368 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,960 Is that your main method of coping? 369 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,360 Or do you have something else? 370 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:46,800 I think you mentioned self-deprecated humor is also in your bag, which there ain't no 371 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:52,560 humor and like self-deprecating humor, like no other humor I know. 372 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,200 So I kind of defer back to my childhood. 373 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,320 My dad is really funny. 374 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:02,040 And my mom is really funny and my sister is really funny. 375 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,640 Both of my sisters are really funny. 376 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:09,800 But I grew up in a family that if you weren't funny or had like a keen wit, you were locked 377 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,440 all over. 378 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,560 So I learned to be my sister humor. 379 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:18,200 And then, you know, if you've seen any of my stuff online, I'm reasonably tame, but 380 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,280 I'm not like that in real life. 381 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,200 I have a vicious sense of humor. 382 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,520 I have, I have made grown men cry. 383 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,400 I have affected negative mental states on people ongoing. 384 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:32,120 I have just a constant, what is it, vicious mockery? 385 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,120 Just spilling out of you. 386 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,120 Is that what's happening here? 387 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:40,040 It's like, I have like the ability, it was instilled in pretty much everybody in my 388 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:46,120 family that you, if you couldn't fight back verbally, you were just, you're not bullied, 389 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:49,680 but you're made to feel it. 390 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,240 You were made to feel it. 391 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,080 It's okay to say your family bullies you. 392 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:58,480 If anything, your family bullies you before a good family, I think gives you a little 393 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:02,440 bit of bullying before you go out and get bullied by the world because kind of let you 394 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:05,400 know, it's like, Hey, if you think we're rough, it's just going to get worse out there. 395 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,480 So you need to learn to kind of spar a little bit. 396 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,840 You get toughened up and it builds character. 397 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:17,200 You know, the things that like parents will say, especially from this geographic region 398 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:26,600 is a full gambit and then having ADHD kind of gave me anger problems as a kid. 399 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:27,920 Both of my parents have a temper. 400 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,040 I have a temper. 401 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:35,720 I tend to, I describe it as a fury of that lightning because it's there and it's gone. 402 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:40,520 It's mostly why I've avoided physical altercations because I don't, I don't, I don't want to snap 403 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,640 on somebody and end up in jail. 404 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,640 You guys can't see it, but I'm too pretty to be in jail. 405 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,640 Yeah, that's kind of hard to, it's kind of hard to spite your way out of the moment. 406 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,000 Yeah, it's the moment that they put you in there. 407 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,640 Also, I'm not, I'm not trying to spite somebody to hurt somebody. 408 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,840 I'm just, that's not my target. 409 00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,440 It's just kind of like, like a lot of my friends, and I guess people in their early 20s and stuff 410 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:04,920 like that, they usually have a lifeline, like there's somebody to bail them out if something 411 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:05,920 goes wrong. 412 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:06,920 I didn't have that. 413 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,640 In fact, I was, I was the lifeline for other people. 414 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:15,560 And a lot of ways I'm tired of living through, you know, historic events and it never makes 415 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:16,560 anything easier. 416 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:17,560 It's always harder. 417 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:23,240 If anything, I'm glad that I'm kind of lucky, but it's going to run out eventually. 418 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:26,360 And I'm one, I'm just kind of waiting for that. 419 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:30,120 So it's just kind of the whole spite thing. 420 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:37,720 It's probably a oversimplification of it or, and it might be making it too aggressive, 421 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,760 but it's just, life's not going to get me down. 422 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:47,320 And I've, I've come up through some pretty rough times in my adult life and I'm, I can 423 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:48,720 give it right back. 424 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,360 It's a good mindset to have. 425 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:56,800 I do want to say you're kind of bringing up a couple of things that I heard from my therapist 426 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:01,280 as one is like, you know, parents are also supposed to be at a certain point, you're 427 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:02,320 safe space. 428 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:09,480 My mom and dad would sometimes forget that when it comes to like some of the jabs and 429 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:15,840 whatnot, and she says, maybe that's why, you know, you, you have the kind of relationships 430 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,520 that you are, that you have right now. 431 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:23,000 And she's yet to go fully deep into why I'm pretty sure that's going to be, you know, 432 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,000 further on down the line. 433 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,680 Can't wait to dig into that. 434 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:31,880 Loss of something that is not physical is definitely something that is still a loss. 435 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:36,920 You will wind up going through the five stages on your own terms. 436 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:37,920 Sometimes it takes a long time. 437 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:43,640 Sometimes it's quick, depending on how much of a value that had in your life. 438 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,360 And then again, sometimes those, those stages only show up way later. 439 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,040 Like you don't even deal with them at all. 440 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:53,680 Talking with a friend of mine who just recently lost his mom and his dad actually all within 441 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:54,800 a couple of months. 442 00:21:54,800 --> 00:22:01,000 He was saying that he hasn't cried and he cried more at his friend's funeral, which 443 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:05,200 happened a couple of years ago than he has now. 444 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,760 And he started beating himself up mentally over the phone is like, you know, why am I 445 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,000 such a piece of shit? 446 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,000 What's wrong with me? 447 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,240 And I'm like, dude, you grief doesn't happen like that. 448 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,720 It's not, it's not something that is predictable. 449 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,440 It doesn't land the same way every time. 450 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,120 It's not even shaped the same way. 451 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,640 It doesn't feel the same way. 452 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,880 He's like, it will happen. 453 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:30,400 And if the more that you are open and you get the anxieties, even the anxiety of not 454 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:35,400 feeling grief, that more that you get that out, the more there will be healing. 455 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,160 You just won't notice it until later. 456 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,160 Right. 457 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,200 That's part of the reason why I do this podcast. 458 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,880 In general, there are a lot of people out there. 459 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:46,160 I was talking to somebody the other day who just now started processing the stuff that 460 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:51,520 happened to him when they were 15 years old and they're like in their early 40s, late 461 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:52,520 30s. 462 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:53,520 I don't know. 463 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:54,520 I didn't ask. 464 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:55,520 It wasn't proper to ask. 465 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:56,520 You never ask a lady her age. 466 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,720 But it's something I say down here. 467 00:22:58,720 --> 00:22:59,720 Yeah. 468 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:01,920 But it all comes out in its own time. 469 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:06,880 Having said the career loss, let's go ahead and just start talking about that first and 470 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,400 we'll work around to other things. 471 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:12,360 The military is something that it sounded like that you were really excited about the 472 00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:14,640 prospect of getting into. 473 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:15,640 Am I wrong? 474 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:21,920 It was something that I don't come from a military family or anything like that, or 475 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,000 even a family that has a whole lot of civil service. 476 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:31,200 I think my grandfather was a lawyer and my great grandfather was a Supreme Court judge 477 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,440 of the state. 478 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,440 Wow. 479 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:35,120 So not federal. 480 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:38,120 Like I'm not from that kind of family. 481 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,120 I mean, still. 482 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:40,120 Yeah. 483 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:43,800 I never met him, but I've heard a lot of stories about him. 484 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,520 My family is very good at telling stories, at least my father side of my family. 485 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,280 I'm reasonably close to. 486 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,160 It was something that I was excited about. 487 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:58,400 It was probably the first time that my family was out and out proud of me for something, 488 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,560 something I did instead of just being a smart kid. 489 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:07,280 Because I'm really smart and I don't flex those wings that much. 490 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:12,040 Mostly not in public, mostly because people just don't like it. 491 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:19,160 So I'll quietly be smart quietly in a corner and be like, that's not how that worked. 492 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,400 If someone's talking about history or physics or something like that, that's not how that 493 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,400 works. 494 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,120 But I won't tell them how that doesn't work. 495 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:30,080 I just I'm like, I'll just I'll be like, okay, I know how that works because it's a tangent. 496 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,440 But I can do algebra in my head when I was in high school. 497 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:34,440 Sure. 498 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:37,360 And I used to get in trouble for it for not putting it all like they would make you write 499 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:38,360 down your work. 500 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,160 You're speaking my language. 501 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,840 Is this that conversation about somebody had the other day? 502 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:43,840 Teachers don't like that. 503 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:44,840 No. 504 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,160 And I would get the answer kind of from here. 505 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:48,160 Yeah, I learned. 506 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,160 I did what you taught me to do. 507 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:51,880 Why are you mad at me? 508 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,880 Why are you bullying me? 509 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:54,880 I'm right. 510 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,040 In the words of Hannibal Bress. 511 00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:02,200 But to go on to the work thing, it was something that my family was proud of me for. 512 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,600 And when it didn't work out, I didn't. 513 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:11,680 My grandfather flipped my dad kind of flipped for like a weird reason. 514 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:15,800 My dad flipped because of my grandfather flipping and because my grandfather was like, he's 515 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:19,320 never going to get a job and like I didn't get dishonorable. 516 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:20,320 Oh, yeah. 517 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:21,320 Yeah. 518 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:22,320 I just cut a contract. 519 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,960 I'm like, I don't know why everyone's flipping out. 520 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:29,960 I think they did some bragging to their friends. 521 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:34,840 And then they had to go back and say, oh, hey, that never worked out or just never talk about 522 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:35,840 it again. 523 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,000 And then they ask about it later. 524 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:41,320 And then your grandfather's like, it was a bad back. 525 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,480 I don't even know, man. 526 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:49,720 Well, my grandfather was an Olympic Javon thrower and played football in college. 527 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,680 So like, and then he was a lawyer. 528 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:54,880 The fathers in your family are getting shit done. 529 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,080 That's what I hear. 530 00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,080 It's weird. 531 00:25:58,080 --> 00:25:59,760 Like, and then my dad's a truck driver. 532 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:00,760 Okay. 533 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:05,440 There was there was there's a certain there's a certain kind of marathon running spirit 534 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,440 you have to have to be a proper truck driver. 535 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:13,440 So the biggest lesson that was hammered into me when I was a kid, like every family, like 536 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,880 teaches the sons like a lesson. 537 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:20,000 This is what makes you a man or however, you know, right or wrong. 538 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:26,440 But the lesson that I was taught is your work ethic defines your worth, which as an adult, 539 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,160 I'm like, maybe that's not the healthiest thing. 540 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,920 But it's like, it's even though I'm not the healthiest thing, I will sacrifice everything 541 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:33,920 for work. 542 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,640 It's definitely an economic America type thing. 543 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:41,080 Like something that was told and that a lot of us now are very getting very disillusioned 544 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:44,480 with we're like, no, that that sounds horrible. 545 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,560 That makes us just horrible humans. 546 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:51,080 No wonder everyone's looking at the previous generations and going, man, you guys, your 547 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,080 priorities were forked. 548 00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:57,480 But I had, I mean, I have a very good work ethic. 549 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:02,800 Most buses that I've ever had love me because I will work myself to death for them. 550 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:10,440 And that's kind of that's led to some problems, mostly boundaries and stuff like that. 551 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:15,720 And it's so, I mean, it's just it's the experience of yourself and your 20s. 552 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:19,280 It's like you work yourself to death to get a little bit and then you establish yourself 553 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:22,200 and then you realize you still have a whole lot to go off. 554 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:23,200 Yeah. 555 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:27,880 And then my current like the military was something I wanted to do to get back to it. 556 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,040 Maybe he's kicking in. 557 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,040 So I'm trying to focus. 558 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,040 It's all good. 559 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,040 You didn't go that far. 560 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:33,040 It's fine. 561 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:38,440 I don't know whether they thought I was I was a quitter or I've taught with other veterans 562 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,440 about it. 563 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:44,440 And I don't think I've ever had like a negative reaction from them. 564 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:48,440 Mostly it's like, it's like, there's like, hey, those dudes were just assholes. 565 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:49,440 They failed you. 566 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:50,440 Sure. 567 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:56,440 I don't fully agree with that because they made some points that were very harsh that 568 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,440 made too much sense. 569 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,440 And they were probably trying to motivate me and it just didn't hit the way they wanted 570 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:07,440 it to because it was the one that sticks in my in my head was. 571 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,440 And it's still he was now granted. 572 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:15,440 This is a six that got shot in the head and half game state. 573 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:16,440 Wow. 574 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,440 You couldn't tell. 575 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:23,440 And when he told me what he was, you know, that far from my face screaming at me. 576 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:27,440 And this is before I was government property, mind you. 577 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:31,440 And he was, you know, as a medic that couldn't lift somebody or a future medic that couldn't 578 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:33,440 lift somebody. 579 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:37,440 And he was like, what, you know, to quote, what the fuck am I supposed to do when I'm 580 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,440 shooting at some dickhead on the mountain? 581 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:45,440 And I have, I can't come fucking help you carry this guy when he got it. 582 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:46,440 Someone's going to get killed. 583 00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:49,440 And unfortunately it's not going to be. 584 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:54,440 So, you know, that that turns some levels. 585 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:55,440 Oh, shit. 586 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:56,440 I'm fucked up. 587 00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,440 I mean, yeah. 588 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:01,440 But I write, but still. 589 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,440 That hurts. 590 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:11,440 I had some things thrown at me while I was in the military, ranging from everything to 591 00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:20,440 how I will never be somebody who gives anything of value in the naval nuclear scene to why is 592 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:26,440 your wife with you because you are a waste of effort. 593 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:35,440 And to make me realize that the, a lot of that was coming out of places out of one anger, 594 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,440 unresolved anger that they have in a situation that they're in. 595 00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:44,440 And to the culture that they're raised up in if they're in there long enough, it seeps into 596 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:50,440 them, it becomes a part of them, which looking back on it, I'm glad that I learned what I 597 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:55,440 did out of leadership, because I had a couple of good leaders in there that weren't telling 598 00:29:55,440 --> 00:30:00,440 me that, you know, I was a waste of the human genome. 599 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:08,440 And I took a lot out of that, which I hope, I hope that kind of help that helped you to 600 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:12,440 like I feel like anybody who gets out of the military at a certain point, especially early, 601 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,440 they get what they can out of it that was positive. 602 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,440 And they go forward with that. 603 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,440 Have a lot of respect for people that do make it. 604 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:23,440 Yeah, on a physical level just because the first job I wasn't the medic was a 605 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:28,440 first thing I was supposed to have I was supposed to be military intelligence. 606 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:35,440 But in the infinite races of the United States government, you can't do that and be colorblind. 607 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,440 I didn't know I was colorblind until I went to meps. 608 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:41,440 You learned a lot about yourself in meps. 609 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:44,440 Yeah, military entrance program for those of you don't know. 610 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,440 Yeah, it was. 611 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:49,440 Yeah, the civilian doctor was like, Hey, dude, you're colorblind. 612 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:50,440 I'm like, what? 613 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:56,440 I went to art school and explain some other stuff about art school. 614 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:59,440 But it was like, no, you're rendering colorblind. 615 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,440 I'm like, what does that mean? 616 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,440 It's what you can't have the OS they sent me here for. 617 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:09,440 And I'm like, ah, yeah, I was supposed to be a 35 Mike, which in the army is human, 618 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:15,440 human intelligence, which kind of my interview is called human because that was something 619 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,440 I really wanted to do. 620 00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:20,440 And they're like, no, you can't do that. 621 00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,440 Let's let's go pick another one. 622 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:23,440 I'm like, okay, fine. 623 00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:25,440 There goes a $20,000 signing bonus. 624 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:26,440 Okay, great. 625 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,440 Fantastic. 626 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:30,440 Well, you can be an MP or you can be a medic. 627 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:36,440 And I'm like, ah, and though when you get an LPN license out of basic training, so you 628 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:37,440 can go do that after the military. 629 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:39,440 And I'm like, oh, okay. 630 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:43,440 They were really good about reminding you what you could do afterwards. 631 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:48,440 Like, you know, trying to trying to lead up, you know, as far as if you do this, it'll 632 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:50,440 set you up for later. 633 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:51,440 Yeah. 634 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:52,440 And that was that was nice. 635 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:57,440 The only thing you needed at that point was the ability and the physical ability to have 636 00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,440 the follow through and be able to see that. 637 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:00,440 Right. 638 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:05,440 And I think this like my recruiter, my original recruiter was awesome. 639 00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:11,440 I got handed off to somebody else that they fucking hated me. 640 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:14,440 They were both infantry. 641 00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,440 My original recruiter was it was a paratrooper. 642 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:18,440 He was pretty chill. 643 00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:20,440 The first words he ever spoke to me was never get married. 644 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:21,440 Don't ever get married. 645 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:24,440 He'd had an argument with his wife that morning. 646 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:26,440 It was just made me laugh. 647 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:30,440 And the second impression I got him, it was they tried those government cars at the recording 648 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:33,440 stations like they fucking stole them. 649 00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:39,440 He drove up a state highway, like 80 miles an hour weaving in an amateur. 650 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:41,440 I don't know. 651 00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:42,440 Cool, man. 652 00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:43,440 This is fantastic. 653 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:44,440 Like we're going. 654 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,240 I did really well on the as Vab. 655 00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:50,440 I guess you have to be to be a M.I. or a medic. 656 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:51,440 Yeah. 657 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:52,440 Yeah. 658 00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:53,440 Or a Navy nuke. 659 00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:54,440 Yeah. 660 00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:55,440 Yeah. 661 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:56,440 Yeah. 662 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:57,440 You had to do well. 663 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:58,440 You had to do well. 664 00:32:58,440 --> 00:32:59,440 They're happy with my numbers. 665 00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:03,440 I don't know how I don't remember exactly my scores, but I know my GT score and normal score 666 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,440 was over 107. 667 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:06,440 Yeah. 668 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:11,440 And my other recruiters, one was he was a staff sergeant. 669 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:15,440 I won't use his name and he had been shot in the head. 670 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:18,440 And you couldn't tell and he was getting out of the military. 671 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:21,440 Military Army recruiters fucking hate their job. 672 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:23,440 It's a volatile situation. 673 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:25,440 Most of them, yeah. 674 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:31,440 The other one fell off of through a building in Afghanistan with a 27 pound machine gun 675 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:32,440 on his back. 676 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,440 Fucked his back up worse than mine was. 677 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:39,440 So I got no sympathy for my back from him, which explains something years later now. 678 00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:44,440 And he, his first advice was me, if you ever get picked to be a recruiter, do something 679 00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:45,440 and get in trouble to get demoted. 680 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,440 You don't want this. 681 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:48,440 Roger. 682 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:53,440 It was about the only thing I could say to him at that point because you just don't expect 683 00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:54,440 that. 684 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:59,440 And you know, I was, I was still a civilian at the time, but I was so like wrapped up like, 685 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:00,440 I'm going to do this. 686 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:02,440 Like I, I referred to them by rank. 687 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:03,440 They didn't hate it. 688 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:04,440 I don't think they loved it. 689 00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:06,440 And then so I went, I did the thing. 690 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:11,440 You come back from meps and they had at the time, what was called future so soldier is 691 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:14,440 basically these went back two days a week to PT the shit out of you. 692 00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:15,440 Okay. 693 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:18,440 Um, mostly probably because they hated you and they hated them. 694 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:19,440 So that whole unresolved anger. 695 00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:21,440 I got that at the time. 696 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:24,440 Like I understood that they don't like me because they're having a bad demo. 697 00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:25,440 I get it. 698 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,440 It's not personal, but I'm also going through some stuff. 699 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:31,440 Uh, it was, ah, it was rough. 700 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,440 I was like, wait a minute and it was just basically like, 701 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:38,440 it went from bad that I couldn't firemen carry and did like the guy that, 702 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:39,440 the staff sergeant. 703 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:42,440 Uh, was like, what's your MOS? 704 00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:43,440 I knew it was coming. 705 00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:47,440 And I said it and he, he stopped in the middle of yelling and at the rest of the 706 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:50,440 group to me, who was off to the side doing flutter kicks. 707 00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:57,440 And he basically lifted me by my shirt because there was, there was no like, 708 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:58,440 resisting. 709 00:34:58,440 --> 00:34:59,440 It was just like, Hey, I'm, I'm a back. 710 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:00,440 Oh, no. 711 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:05,000 help you with that, Dukehead. When I'm, you know, someone's gonna get killed. After that, 712 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:11,160 I think they pt'd the shit out of me so hard that I passed out. Because there was in a strip 713 00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:15,800 mall. So it was like, there's that road behind it. I was like, Hey, I'm gonna go throw up and 714 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:21,560 they're like, cool. Don't get it on yourself. And I'm like, Okay, cool. So I got to throw up and pass 715 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:27,560 out as everybody else is going home. No one comes looking for me. I walk back into the recruiting 716 00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:32,600 stage. And the one of the other recruiters that I didn't interact with much is like, 717 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:36,440 what happened to you? And I was like, I passed out sergeant and it's like, Oh, close that door. 718 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:42,840 Yeah. And then I went home. Then I think a couple weeks later, 719 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:48,680 when they found out, Oh, hey, you have a back injury. I think I passed out standing up once. 720 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:55,160 Not for lack of physical exertion. I wasn't always a fat ass. I just got old and fat. And then they 721 00:35:55,160 --> 00:36:02,120 threatened to punch me in the face. And I think at that point, they ran me until I threw up, 722 00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:09,560 hanging out the side of a car once. It was an overall unpleasant experience. Like, I understand 723 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:15,960 the medic is important. You want him to be able to do his job. Right. So I don't hold what happened to 724 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:22,360 me, like personally against them. But I also recognize that that's not the way that I was 725 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:29,080 supposed to do. Like, yeah, my original recruiter, the paratrooper was like, Hey, because I was like, 726 00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:33,880 Hey, I have like a little bit of a back injury. They knew that going in. They signed it off like, 727 00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:41,720 Hey, sure, what back injury? And I was like, Okay, cool. That's how this is. Several things of 728 00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:46,280 medical history just kind of disappeared. Yeah, exactly. Whatever they whatever they can do to 729 00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:51,240 to move you forward. Right. And which at the beginning, I was appreciative of, you know, 730 00:36:51,240 --> 00:36:57,400 Hey, you're helping me, you know, do the thing that I feel called to do. Cool. Oh, wait, not like 731 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:01,640 that. If I had known that this is what it's going to be, I just would have taken the deep, you know, 732 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:08,200 the, the, what's it the DQ the disc wall, right, right. And I would have been, you know, better off 733 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:14,680 at the end. And I just would have gotten the job. Signing the termination for my contract was 734 00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:19,480 probably the worst. I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me. So I brought a witness. 735 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:26,920 Okay. And then I was grilled by a whole bunch of people from like E five to E seven. And I got a 736 00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:33,000 call from an O three later that day. My God. Yeah, they really did not want me to terminate that 737 00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:37,400 contract. Which I mean, getting the government the recant on anything like that. It's, it's 738 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:43,960 pretty normal. It went from like, the NCO screaming at me to like, the later on that day, the captain 739 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:48,600 like, trying to sweet talk me back into it. And I was just like, I know what's going to happen if 740 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:53,160 I walk back in there and they're going to bug and kill me. Right. Like it's already been clear that 741 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:59,400 this isn't something that I should do. Like being a medic, like I was a little bit concerned that 742 00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:04,200 I was going to get someone killed. And unfortunately it wasn't going to be me to mirror that guy's 743 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:13,160 words, which in my age now is unhealthy. Yes. Yes, it is. And it's important. I think it's 744 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:17,880 important to realize that, but yeah, definitely. I'm pretty self aware psychologically that, you 745 00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:24,520 know, I'm, I don't know that I'm real fucked up, but I'm not normal. And I think I attributed it 746 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:30,840 mostly to the, to not this, I don't attribute it to this. That was just a period of like three months. 747 00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:37,160 I attributed it to more of just the ADV. Like I cope weird. Like I have like really strong coping 748 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:44,280 mechanism, but they're weird. Let's, let's pivot slightly because this became an episode about 749 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,400 your military and everything like that. And I'm perfectly fine because it sounds like there was 750 00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:52,280 a lot there to unpack. One, great, because I haven't, I haven't had another episode about this 751 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:57,240 particular thing from the other side. I've told people about my experiences, especially writing 752 00:38:57,240 --> 00:39:03,320 in the book and everything. So it's really interesting to me to feel a large sense of 753 00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:09,080 mirroring when I'm talking to you about your experiences. Two, it doesn't matter how long 754 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:17,400 the trauma took place. And it doesn't matter how long ago the trauma took place. It's still trauma. 755 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:22,600 It's still happened to you. And the fact that you're beginning to kind of see that, you know, 756 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:27,720 and you also have a kind of peace with that to realize that that was fucked up. And it probably 757 00:39:27,720 --> 00:39:33,400 did do something to you. Don't shy away from that, because I think you can get a lot of good catharsis 758 00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:38,120 by continuing to unpack that, especially either talking with friends or if you happen to have a 759 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:47,160 therapist, I don't know if you do. Three, the amount of people that I had to talk to and the looks of 760 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:54,680 let's be honest, disgust, yeah, disgust and disdain. That's perfect. The looks of disgust and disdain 761 00:39:54,680 --> 00:40:01,080 from the people who are in the room talking to you like you have just not only failed them, 762 00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:29,080 but you have failed yourself and you have failed your future that at such a young age, it does remarkable damage to you that I only recently, well, I didn't say recently, like it took me at least 15 years later to when I was talking to somebody in the VA about the possibility of switching my outcome to just a regular discharge, where she was like, they did you wrong. 763 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:39,080 And hearing somebody in the VA said that like it triggered something in me. I'm in there. I'm in the VA office going, I didn't know anything else. It sucked. 764 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:45,080 It was bad. Of course, I'm one to cry my emotions out in general. I just do. 765 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:47,080 Yeah, you're on with it. 766 00:40:47,080 --> 00:41:05,080 Yeah, so I want to know, can we talk more about your coping? Why you think, I mean, your words, you said you cope weird. I would love to hear about more about your coping thing because the beauty of this podcast for me is one person's weird coping ability. 767 00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:23,080 Could when they describe it and give somebody else validation, because they think that they're a fucked up individual for the way that they cope. So tell me about tell me about your go to coping mechanisms. I mean, even if you think that they're just too weird, I want to hear about them. 768 00:41:23,080 --> 00:41:37,080 I will. But first, I will take you back on something. I had that moment of catharsis a couple of years later. Really, it was within two years of it actually happening. I was I worked really close to home. It wasn't a very good job, but it wasn't terrible, but I would walk home. 769 00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:39,080 Because it was close to close to drive. 770 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:40,080 Sure. 771 00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:47,080 But I would like there was an old man that would also walk and I got to talk to him. He was actually he was a World War two that. 772 00:41:47,080 --> 00:42:00,080 And he served like all all of a war to sure. And then make his living afterwards washing dishes. Very nice man. I hope he's okay. Though this is a number of years. I'm sure he's passed. He was in time. 773 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:08,080 But he was a first of a number of veterans that gave me my validation. 774 00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:15,080 And he was like, you tried. No one, no one can ask anything else. You try way more than what some people do. 775 00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:26,080 Which is what he said. Yeah, that you tried. You gave an honest effort. It didn't work out and you've moved on to other veterans going, Hey, they did you dirty. 776 00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:40,080 They weren't supposed to do that. They certainly weren't supposed to touch you. Right. Let alone make you know physical threats of violence against you or, you know, talk to you that way. They were supposed like going back to my original sergeant or recruiter. 777 00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:45,080 He was like, Hey, we're going to work with you. We're going to build you up to where you can do this. 778 00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:54,080 He got transferred. Right. He was he was in the hundred and seventy third. He was a cool dude. He wasn't even the highest ranking, but he was like the league guy. 779 00:42:54,080 --> 00:43:03,080 But they put him in charge of another recruiting station and I got handed off to tweet all that tweet of the tweet of them. But a hard ass one and hard ass two. 780 00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:12,080 I like the idea of tweet of the tweet of them. Oh, they they've rocked my shit. But moving on to coping mechanism. 781 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:24,080 I don't know that it's an act of coping mechanism again to how I would come when I was younger. I cried my emotions out to up until I was probably 13 or 14. 782 00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:27,080 And then I didn't cry again till I was in my mid-twenties. 783 00:43:27,080 --> 00:43:33,080 OK, I mean, those are formative years. You're still learning how to balance your emotions. So that makes sense. 784 00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:40,080 Right. And then I just I think I didn't cry. I remember I was my middle eight twenties when I cried again. 785 00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:42,080 OK. 786 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:48,080 And it happens every once in a while. I didn't view it as anything particularly cathartic or un-cathartic. 787 00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:52,080 It's fine. It's it's it's an emotional outlet. 788 00:43:52,080 --> 00:44:00,080 But as far as my coping, it's kind of a passive way of going about it is a reminding myself that it can always be worse. 789 00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:07,080 And I I've never dipped into the trauma comparisons where other people do have it worse, which is true. 790 00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:13,080 Other people do have it worse. But there there's the comparison is the thief of joy. 791 00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:14,080 Yeah. 792 00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:23,080 So I will I'm good about that. I will never compare myself to someone else because no one else has done what I've done in the exact order that I've done it. 793 00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:30,080 So really, it's just kind of a detachment from it. It happened. OK, I'm going to be open about it. 794 00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:41,080 And then I'm going to move on. And it's just an acceptance and understanding of what happened, why it happened, what with the ramifications for it going forward. 795 00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:56,080 And then washing my hands of it. It's I don't I don't want to call it an emotional numbness to me. But there's some of the philosophical philosophical and spiritual things that I've subscribed to in my in my adult life. 796 00:44:56,080 --> 00:45:01,080 There's not a whole lot that I care about very strongly. 797 00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:07,080 Yeah, I caution myself early on about that. Don't not using it as a barrier. 798 00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:15,080 I've always maintained and stressed a level of self awareness about myself. 799 00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:21,080 That what's healthy, what's not what's to be careful about what's not to be careful about. 800 00:45:21,080 --> 00:45:35,080 And especially just a detachment is something that can be dangerous. I would like to think that I have maintained a sensible level of it, at least within my own psychological limits. 801 00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:45,080 I'm a very psychologically strong person. I've been told by people that with a psychology background that mirrors that that, hey, you have very strong coping skills. 802 00:45:45,080 --> 00:45:58,080 And it's not because you don't deal with it is because you just process it in a way that might not be typical that at least lets you just kind of be like it happened. 803 00:45:58,080 --> 00:46:02,080 I'm moving on. It's it's behind me now. The past is dead. 804 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:12,080 Which mirrors one of the first conversation pieces of the conversation that we had earlier when we were talking about, you know, focusing on the present because past is dead and the future hasn't happened yet. 805 00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:21,080 Having said that, the human psyche does one thing really well and that's hold on to things that we don't necessarily realize that we've held on to. 806 00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:44,080 And sometimes that expresses itself in different ways, either an addiction to something that seems relatively benign, a tick, either a physical or a mental one, or bursts of really quick anger, which that was one of the reasons that I went to therapy is because I was experiencing that. 807 00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:59,080 Do you think, looking back on the way that that you are processing the way that you have processed being very sounds like being relatively methodical about it. 808 00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:12,080 Do you think that there's anything that's still kind of like a burr in your psyche that maybe shows up every once in a while that you think maybe could be due to something in your past. 809 00:47:12,080 --> 00:47:23,080 Kind of but almost unrelated. I don't really care. Like there have been a couple situations when the last six months that I was reasonably sure I was about to die. 810 00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:26,080 And I just went, eh, happened to happens. 811 00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:30,080 In which, in what way, if you don't mind me asking. 812 00:47:30,080 --> 00:47:36,080 I was reasonably certain someone kicked open my front door in the middle of the night one time. 813 00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:46,080 Which I woke up rendered it like they shoot me, they shoot me. And another one I thought I had, I had vertigo real bad. 814 00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:52,080 And then I was like, oh, hey, I'm suddenly sweating really badly because of the stress of having vertigo. 815 00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:59,080 Right. Like bad vertigo like I couldn't stand. And then like half of my body went numb. I'm like, oh crap, I might be having a stroke. 816 00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:08,080 And I just kind of laid down on the ground. I went to sleep and I was like, if I wake up, I wake up and then I woke up and I was still half numb and I was like, shit, I lived. 817 00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,080 Do things. 818 00:48:10,080 --> 00:48:13,080 One, I'm glad you're alive. 819 00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:17,080 If not solely for the process of making this podcast. 820 00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:26,080 Also getting to know another new face, which has kind of been the joy of this year is actually getting to know new people. 821 00:48:26,080 --> 00:48:34,080 As an adult, you realize you don't get to do that very often unless like as a genuine back and forth instead of just like at Walmart. 822 00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:42,080 The other thing is, is you may already know this from somebody who has lived how they lived and whatnot. 823 00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:53,080 But what a typical male response to have something drastically happen to your body and you're just like, I'm not going to tell anybody if I live, I live. 824 00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:56,080 If not, I'll get it fixed. 825 00:48:56,080 --> 00:48:59,080 There was somebody in the house at the time. 826 00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:06,080 But I was like, then part of me was like, yeah, I should probably have someone call an ambulance, but I need a shower. 827 00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:08,080 No, I'm good. 828 00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:11,080 Oh, the priorities. 829 00:49:11,080 --> 00:49:14,080 I just don't want to be in like, what is it? 830 00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:19,080 My mom hates it when I say it, but it's like, if I die, it solves all my problems. 831 00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:24,080 Makes up, makes problems for you and other people, but my problems are gone. 832 00:49:24,080 --> 00:49:29,080 My mom was very big of the phrase that death is all about the living because once you're dead, you're dead. 833 00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:31,080 Everybody else has to deal with the ramifications. 834 00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:36,080 And, you know, knowing that there is some kind of freedom of that. 835 00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:38,080 I think my grandfather was a really big proponent of that. 836 00:49:38,080 --> 00:49:48,080 That's why he set everything from the moment of his death on on his terms, you know, made sure that everybody pulled him off that the best that they could. 837 00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:58,080 Your story reminds me of the one time that I experienced PM Tylenol because I had a headache. 838 00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:02,080 I needed to take some medicine and it had been a bad headache. 839 00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:04,080 Like one that like so I understand. 840 00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:09,080 Yeah, yeah, it was started here and it just started swallowing my whole head basically. 841 00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:14,080 And so I was taking some I took some some time at all and it was blue. 842 00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:20,080 But I'm like, whatever, pills come in different shapes and colors like I didn't check the box or anything like that. 843 00:50:20,080 --> 00:50:22,080 And then I'm sitting there on the couch everybody. 844 00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:31,080 I'm in a house with four other people and we're all watching TV and then all of a sudden I just get like just cordonly sleepy. 845 00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:37,080 Like the the the quickest I've ever gotten and half of my brain went. 846 00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:39,080 I mean, at the time we were having some hard times too. 847 00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:44,080 So I was like, I wasn't really stressed out about this thought. 848 00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:45,080 I just knew it was coming over me. 849 00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:49,080 I was like, this is the sleep of death. 850 00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:53,080 I'm going to curl up on this couch. 851 00:50:53,080 --> 00:51:01,080 I looked at my wife thought, I love you and went to sleep thinking that that was going to be it. 852 00:51:01,080 --> 00:51:03,080 I raised no alarms. 853 00:51:03,080 --> 00:51:09,080 I woke up later about five or six hours still groggy as hell. 854 00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:11,080 And my wife's like, are you okay? 855 00:51:11,080 --> 00:51:13,080 I'm like, do you really sleep? 856 00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:15,080 And she's like, what kind of pills did you take? 857 00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:18,080 I'm like, I don't know the blue pills that were there. 858 00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:22,080 And she's like, Michael, you idiot, you're on PM medication. 859 00:51:22,080 --> 00:51:27,080 And I told her straight up still in my groggy state is like, oh, I thought I was dying. 860 00:51:27,080 --> 00:51:32,080 And the look on her face, she's like, you thought you were dying and you didn't tell me anything. 861 00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:43,080 So I, I understand the thought process, but I would say now because of where I am, who was in my life, what I'm doing. 862 00:51:43,080 --> 00:51:55,080 I am more susceptible to actually having things that are wrong with me getting taken care of, because I think my quality of life is better now. 863 00:51:55,080 --> 00:52:06,080 And therefore my wants to continue and to keep putting my names on things and to meet new people and to do new things is, is budding. 864 00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:17,080 Which it sounds like to me, that's kind of what's going on with you over this last year, getting into socials and whatnot and willing to put your face even half of it up on the screen for other people to see. 865 00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:24,080 I don't know, D, it sounds like to me, and for somebody who just met you, it sounds like to me that you're going through a period of growth and damn it, I'm glad I'm here for it. 866 00:52:24,080 --> 00:52:31,080 Well, hey, well, it just means that if I die, it's now your problem. 867 00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:33,080 At least a little bit, just a little bit. 868 00:52:33,080 --> 00:52:36,080 Hey, you've got you've got footage of my face. Congratulations. 869 00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:42,080 Yeah, congratulations. You spoke to me like, I mean, I'm certainly not God's, you know, gift on earth. 870 00:52:42,080 --> 00:52:45,080 But I mean, the trauma is mainly funny. 871 00:52:45,080 --> 00:52:47,080 Amen to that. 872 00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:58,080 The story of you telling like your wife that hey, I thought I was dying. Like I told that to a co-worker just, I mean, I'm pretty open about these things. 873 00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:05,080 I probably shouldn't be like most like one of the people that works with like the elderly disabled people at my job. 874 00:53:05,080 --> 00:53:10,080 This was like the look that she gave me was like, what the fuck. 875 00:53:10,080 --> 00:53:12,080 Oh, it's one of those moments like I said earlier. 876 00:53:12,080 --> 00:53:14,080 They were like, oh, honey, what's wrong with you? 877 00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:16,080 Oh, I won't use her name. 878 00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:24,080 I won't use her name, but she's like a really, really nice girl in her like early 20s, early 20s. 879 00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:27,080 Probably mid 20s. I don't know how old she is. I've never asked. 880 00:53:27,080 --> 00:53:28,080 Again, you don't ask that. 881 00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:29,080 You don't ask. 882 00:53:29,080 --> 00:53:30,080 No. 883 00:53:30,080 --> 00:53:39,080 One of the two people that I'm really close to at work or not really close to but close enough, especially I've always maintained like a boundary at work. 884 00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:44,080 This job is going to make me soft because it's an office job and I've never had an office job before this one. 885 00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:45,080 Same here, buddy. 886 00:53:45,080 --> 00:53:53,080 So it's nice to like I've like, I've, you know, it's nice to like sit on my ass and type at work instead of having to like move heavy shit. 887 00:53:53,080 --> 00:53:59,080 There's a simplicity of just knowing that a portion of your day is just emails and that's okay sometimes. 888 00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:01,080 Oh, that's okay. 889 00:54:01,080 --> 00:54:12,080 Now I will tell you this, it's forced me to have to go outside every day and take walks for the vitamin D and the mental health because I know that if I just live behind the desk, I'm going to waste away. 890 00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:14,080 But there's still a gentle simplicity about it. 891 00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:15,080 Anyway, go ahead. 892 00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:16,080 Yeah. 893 00:54:16,080 --> 00:54:29,080 But just the way that this lady looked at me like I like this, like she was having a crisis because she knew I was I have a crisis and it didn't compute that I didn't care. 894 00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:34,080 And I was just like, she's, she's really, really nice. 895 00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:41,080 And I think there was another coworker she's about to have a master's degree in psychology. 896 00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:58,080 And she is like, I can never tell exactly what that person thinks of me because they were the person that you're really self aware, like someone with a master's degree in psychology is like, you're on that like you're out oddly, oddly self aware of yourself. 897 00:54:58,080 --> 00:55:01,080 And I'm just like, I don't know what to think that as a compliment or not. 898 00:55:01,080 --> 00:55:04,080 You just look at her and go, thanks, it's the trauma. 899 00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:08,080 Well, no, she's the one that claimed that you're funny because of the trauma. 900 00:55:08,080 --> 00:55:09,080 Yeah. 901 00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:11,080 And it's just kind of like, okay, I'll take it. 902 00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:13,080 I'm really funny. 903 00:55:13,080 --> 00:55:19,080 Most of the time, though, these people don't get the really mean kind of humor that I've done that is what I'm really funny. 904 00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:20,080 Yeah. 905 00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:23,080 But they get done the lighthearted where I'm just really quick-witted. 906 00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:27,080 I tone it back depending on when I'm around because you can't be like that around everybody. 907 00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:28,080 Yeah. 908 00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:29,080 Especially in a professional setting. 909 00:55:29,080 --> 00:55:30,080 I would like to keep this job. 910 00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:33,080 I don't want to go back to freight or retail. 911 00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:35,080 It doesn't pay the best, but it's not stressful. 912 00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:37,080 And that's kind of what I needed life. 913 00:55:37,080 --> 00:55:39,080 You need that work-life balance, my guy. 914 00:55:39,080 --> 00:55:40,080 I understand that. 915 00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:47,080 They care a lot about, I mean, I work with like 95% women and they're either like a lot younger than me or a lot older than me. 916 00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:51,080 And granted, I'm pretty low on the totem pole there. 917 00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:54,080 I mostly just do data entry, but I'm really good at my job. 918 00:55:54,080 --> 00:55:55,080 There you go. 919 00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:57,080 So nobody wants my job. 920 00:55:57,080 --> 00:56:01,080 So they just generally leave me alone to let me do my job. 921 00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:06,080 One of the very few times that I've had no supervision for the most part, 922 00:56:06,080 --> 00:56:10,080 my boss is like, I don't care if I hear a few after a week or two, but like, 923 00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:11,080 I know the job's going to get done. 924 00:56:11,080 --> 00:56:16,080 So I guess that's kind of what I funneled into because it's important to me to have a good reputation that works. 925 00:56:16,080 --> 00:56:19,080 And that's mostly because I don't want micromanagement. 926 00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:21,080 I hate being micromanaged. 927 00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:23,080 I don't know what that says about me. 928 00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:27,080 Probably nothing because I don't know too many people that like being micromanaged. 929 00:56:27,080 --> 00:56:35,080 No, no, not unless they, they're in for the job simply just to get paid 930 00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:37,080 because at that point they're just like point and click, man. 931 00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:39,080 Just tell me what to do. 932 00:56:39,080 --> 00:56:43,080 And then the other segment of people that really like to be micromanaged, 933 00:56:43,080 --> 00:56:44,080 but we're not going to get into that. 934 00:56:44,080 --> 00:56:45,080 No, that's a different thing. 935 00:56:45,080 --> 00:56:46,080 That's a whole different thing. 936 00:56:46,080 --> 00:56:47,080 That's a whole different thing. 937 00:56:47,080 --> 00:56:48,080 Certainly not me. 938 00:56:48,080 --> 00:56:50,080 I'm not even, I'm not even joking. 939 00:56:50,080 --> 00:56:51,080 That's not me. 940 00:56:51,080 --> 00:56:54,080 I view my like personal free will too much. 941 00:56:54,080 --> 00:56:56,080 That's crazy. 942 00:56:56,080 --> 00:57:00,080 Look, we're going to pause here for a second because I got to read about my book. 943 00:57:00,080 --> 00:57:05,080 Just taking a small break to tell you that this episode of the podcast is brought to you by Dink, 944 00:57:05,080 --> 00:57:09,080 spelled D-I-N-Q-D-N-D in the coffin hold of the USS Enterprise. 945 00:57:09,080 --> 00:57:15,080 It's my first book, a memoir in which I tell you about trying and failing in a Navy school for nuclear operators, 946 00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:18,080 all while juggling marriage and depression. 947 00:57:18,080 --> 00:57:20,080 Where does D&D come in? 948 00:57:20,080 --> 00:57:22,080 It's woven all throughout the book. 949 00:57:22,080 --> 00:57:25,080 Check it out on Amazon as a paperback or on Kindle. 950 00:57:25,080 --> 00:57:30,080 The link's in the description below. 951 00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:33,080 And hopefully that makes you want to buy it. 952 00:57:33,080 --> 00:57:38,080 It's still available on Amazon or Barnes & Noble if you want digital or you can get a paperback. 953 00:57:38,080 --> 00:57:40,080 That's fun too. 954 00:57:40,080 --> 00:57:42,080 Anyway, back to D. 955 00:57:42,080 --> 00:57:49,080 I'm just going to blatantly steal another thing from Josh here. 956 00:57:49,080 --> 00:57:53,080 And of course he asks a different question, but it is still a pretty succinct question. 957 00:57:53,080 --> 00:57:57,080 He likes to ask people at the end of the podcast, are you happy? 958 00:57:57,080 --> 00:58:03,080 Which brings a wide varied, a lot of them just smile and go, yeah, I am. 959 00:58:03,080 --> 00:58:06,080 Because they talk about all the good things in life. 960 00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:09,080 And then sometimes you get, I think I am. 961 00:58:09,080 --> 00:58:12,080 And those are always the interesting answer. 962 00:58:12,080 --> 00:58:16,080 But for you, I just want to ask, do you think you're healing? 963 00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:19,080 To be perfectly honest, there's not much healing to do. 964 00:58:19,080 --> 00:58:20,080 Okay. 965 00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:22,080 And to answer your other question, I'm content. 966 00:58:22,080 --> 00:58:23,080 Okay. 967 00:58:23,080 --> 00:58:24,080 Content. 968 00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:25,080 That's fine. 969 00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:27,080 That kind of goes along with the thing that you're saying that you're more self-aware. 970 00:58:27,080 --> 00:58:29,080 I think that answer fits you perfectly. 971 00:58:29,080 --> 00:58:39,080 We've scratched the surface of what I was going to ask you, but that's because when I started scratching, we realized that there was a bigger hole, I think, to actually get into there. 972 00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:41,080 And I'm so glad that we did. 973 00:58:41,080 --> 00:58:43,080 I would love to have you on again. 974 00:58:43,080 --> 00:58:47,080 You know, five years down the road, I still want to be doing this because this is fun. 975 00:58:47,080 --> 00:58:49,080 It's relatively easy to do. 976 00:58:49,080 --> 00:58:51,080 And I'm meeting so many new people and getting to know people. 977 00:58:51,080 --> 00:58:54,080 So thank you so much. 978 00:58:54,080 --> 00:58:57,080 Where can people find you? 979 00:58:57,080 --> 00:59:02,080 I think both Instagram and TikTok is DeltaForks. 980 00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:05,080 My interview is human with DeltaForks. 981 00:59:05,080 --> 00:59:10,080 And I have DeltaForks on YouTube. 982 00:59:10,080 --> 00:59:12,080 I think it's DeltaForks. 983 00:59:12,080 --> 00:59:14,080 That's the channel name. 984 00:59:14,080 --> 00:59:18,080 So are there any spaces, underscores, and how do you spell human? 985 00:59:18,080 --> 00:59:25,080 Human. H-U-M-I-N-T. Human intelligence is the military term for it. 986 00:59:25,080 --> 00:59:30,080 But most of the stuff goes through DeltaForks on TikTok. 987 00:59:30,080 --> 00:59:32,080 It is much wider. 988 00:59:32,080 --> 00:59:34,080 All one word? 989 00:59:34,080 --> 00:59:36,080 I don't know. 990 00:59:36,080 --> 00:59:41,080 Get your shit together, B. 991 00:59:41,080 --> 00:59:43,080 It's like, I don't... 992 00:59:43,080 --> 00:59:45,080 I'd say a way. 993 00:59:45,080 --> 00:59:47,080 Yeah, it's all one word. 994 00:59:47,080 --> 00:59:49,080 Don't care about anything. Nothing serious. 995 00:59:49,080 --> 00:59:53,080 It's also going to be in the description below as well. 996 00:59:53,080 --> 00:59:57,080 And I am your host, Michael LeBlanc. 997 00:59:57,080 --> 01:00:05,080 And if you happen to miss next year's episode, still, it's your loss. 998 01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:07,080 Thank you so much, D. 999 01:00:07,080 --> 01:00:08,080 We'll talk again. 1000 01:00:08,080 --> 01:00:10,080 Thanks for having me. It was fun. 1001 01:00:10,080 --> 01:00:18,080 MUSIC