1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,720 Before we start this podcast, I want to say that every project I have pretty much has 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,960 a village behind it, and this one is no exception. 3 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:12,960 I want to thank the patrons who stepped in on my Kickstarter to really make sure that 4 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,800 this got off the ground. 5 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:23,680 Denise Grady, Caden White-Wattam, Amanda Peake, Todd A. Davis, Jay Grant, and Corey Watson. 6 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:28,040 Without you guys, I wouldn't be sitting here talking with the awesome guest that I'm 7 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,880 about to talk to. 8 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:30,880 Thank you so much. 9 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:31,880 What's your book about? 10 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:32,880 You said it's poetry. 11 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:38,080 It's a time capsule, and it's basically all of my poetry from ages 16 and 19 that my 12 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,960 dad pushed me to basically self-publish on Lulu. 13 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,600 And as I've gotten older, I ordered a copy for myself, and I'm rereading it. 14 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,680 I'm like, oh my God, this really is a time capsule. 15 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:51,840 I was giving myself advice, essentially, but it's a whole rabbit hole. 16 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:57,880 I won't go into it too much. 17 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:02,960 Welcome to It's Your Lost podcast, where raw stories of resilience and healing are told, 18 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:10,920 all while uncovering and destigmatizing the diverse symptoms of loss. 19 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:11,920 Welcome back to the podcast. 20 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:15,000 If you missed last month's episode, well, it's your loss. 21 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:21,160 I'm your host, Michael LeBlanc, and I am here with Celine Wolf, who I'd like to say I know 22 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:25,720 this person very well, but they saw what I was doing on Facebook and decided that they 23 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,000 had to get a part of this. 24 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,520 Celine, how are you doing today? 25 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,440 I am doing really well. 26 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:35,480 I'm actually just really honored and blessed to be here and be able to appear on my first 27 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,360 ever podcast. 28 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:42,400 And I'm hoping to be able to expand my talents and gifts and just kind of grow alongside 29 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,160 others of like minds. 30 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:49,120 The best way to do it is to just get invited or to find somebody and just kind of like 31 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,120 vibe with them. 32 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:55,120 That's how I got started on my first podcast appearance with this really chill dude named 33 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,120 Steven Rhodes. 34 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,120 The Doll? 35 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,120 No, no, no, no. 36 00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,120 That's Steven Seagal. 37 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,680 Nobody, nobody famous, famous. 38 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:07,040 Steven Rhodes, he's got a wonderful podcast that I'm going to actually be interviewing 39 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,540 him tomorrow. 40 00:02:08,540 --> 00:02:13,640 I don't know when his is going to come out, but it was, it was such a ramshackle thing. 41 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:14,640 There was no ads. 42 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,360 It was just a conversation. 43 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:21,800 There was no real subject except for we were both on TikTok at the time and we were just 44 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,600 trying to connect, you know, talk about the experience. 45 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,280 And then from there, I've been on a Star Trek podcast. 46 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:36,720 I was on this one podcast that mostly brings people who are feminists and against the patriarchy. 47 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:41,640 And I had no idea what I was going to talk about because I was like, if you go a bunch 48 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:47,320 of ways, like I'm not, I am very, I'm actually relatively a pretty neutral guy, but as much 49 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:53,240 as fighting for, you know, the rights of humanity on all different, you know, subjects and platforms. 50 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,960 And so, I don't know, we just had a really good conversation. 51 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,840 So yeah, I'm hoping, you know, you get comfortable, if you're comfortable with this, you know, 52 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:04,960 if there's ever anything else that you want to come back on and you're like, Hey, I don't 53 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,440 feel like I talked enough about the deep dark things that have happened to me in my life. 54 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,840 I need to talk to you more. 55 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,680 If you feel that way, it's a trilogy. 56 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,680 It's a trilogy. 57 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:13,680 That's what I mean. 58 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:14,680 It's going to be a book. 59 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:15,680 It's going to be a lot of things right now. 60 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:16,680 I'm just trying to get to college. 61 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:21,840 That's like all the full sales and might have to push it back, but I'm going to get there. 62 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:22,840 Promise. 63 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,960 Well, I like the optimism that we're starting off here. 64 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:26,960 That's nice. 65 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,640 So, let's just completely destroy that. 66 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:35,960 And let me ask you, Celine, what have you lost? 67 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:44,360 My will to live, my self-respect, my family, my car, my job, my self-esteem. 68 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,240 I went, haven't I lost? 69 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:50,640 I took an ID, constructed my life to the very words and the very bare essentials. 70 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:56,600 I was never homeless, and yet last year I went on the spirit journey, very depths of 71 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:02,360 my darkness to find what was left after I lost it all. 72 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,560 And at the end of it all, I found God. 73 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:09,360 And I did not expect to come full circle to be like, man, I'm a hippie Christian, but 74 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,720 maybe there are aspects of me. 75 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:16,360 There's three aspects, but maybe that aspect is what saved me more than anything else. 76 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:17,360 Wow. 77 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:18,360 Okay. 78 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,360 That's a great sentence to start with. 79 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,080 I mean, it's multi-layered, obviously. 80 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,080 Okay. 81 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:28,000 So, one of the things that I'll just read a little quick snippet of what you shared with 82 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:33,640 me, and it's got pieces and parts of what you were saying, you know, family members, 83 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,640 and uncle, grandpa, jobs. 84 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:43,000 It says in here that you were lost in addiction, and it says spiritually, which it sounds like 85 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:47,920 that you lost something and then you came back to it in the vacuum that you were like 86 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,360 creating for yourself. 87 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,360 Is that what I'm hearing? 88 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:51,360 Yeah. 89 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:52,360 Okay. 90 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,360 All right, we'll share this. 91 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,560 It's the essence of being the number 333. 92 00:04:55,560 --> 00:05:00,680 My mom, I'm a proud Christian on, I guess, my right side. 93 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:06,120 My father, he's an old goat, and I won't go into detail right now, but I was with the 94 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,120 duality of Christianity. 95 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:10,600 You're supposed to honor both sides, and it was like I was being ripped in half, and 96 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,480 I could never choose a path fully. 97 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,800 I had to forge my own, which is what I've done. 98 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:15,800 Okay. 99 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:16,800 That's great. 100 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:17,800 So, let's figure it out. 101 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,240 Let's hear about that story. 102 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:26,080 So, let's, out of the things that we've mentioned, we've got the family members, the job, you 103 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,680 said yourself respect. 104 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:32,840 Where do you feel like your first big loss was that started you on the road of where 105 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,760 you thought you needed to start reconstruction? 106 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:42,440 The night that I, after 15 years, went out to a bar to go meet up with my high school 107 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:47,880 sweetheart, and he's making $100,000 a year, he shows up in a denulment, he's lost about 108 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:48,880 75 pounds. 109 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,640 I'm the biggest I've ever been. 110 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:54,280 My son's on disability, and I'm working at McDonald's at the time with purple hair, 111 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,680 and he pursues to make fun of me for my backpack curse. 112 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,960 We have two drinks, and he's like, well, I'm going to dip out, and I'm like, yeah, I 113 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:01,960 hate myself. 114 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:06,960 That realization alone is what led me that night to my first relapse after 15 years on 115 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:07,960 my DOC. 116 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:08,960 Okay. 117 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:15,840 So, a lot of people go to self-medication and drugs when it comes to dealing with sudden 118 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:20,360 changes in life, loss, especially if they've, it's kind of like the thing where they say 119 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,920 that if you have a weak spot and a balloon, and you squeeze on the balloon, it's going 120 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,240 to be the weak spot that always pops out first. 121 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:28,240 It's kind of the same thing. 122 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,720 Like if you've done that before, if you've leaned on that as a crush before, it's really 123 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,120 easy to go back. 124 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,880 What were you feeling around that time? 125 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:41,200 Like, you know, because obviously the five stages exist in pretty much all sorts of loss. 126 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:45,760 It just varies depending on how deep you are in before the thing got lost. 127 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,360 So, denial, all that. 128 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,360 Yeah. 129 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:55,320 So, which one do you think was hitting you the hardest that made you relapse? 130 00:06:55,320 --> 00:07:01,960 I was in denial to the very fact that my entire life was of my creation. 131 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:06,120 Everything that I tolerated and put up with, it was all my doing, and I did not want to 132 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,120 face that. 133 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:11,880 So, I thought, hey, I want to go have as much fun as I can tonight at the expense of basically 134 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,360 everybody around me. 135 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:18,080 That was when I started to embrace the left-hand side of myself fully and downhill. 136 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:21,280 But very quickly, it was a, it was a not a slow-moving trainwreck. 137 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,280 I'll put it that way. 138 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,280 Right. 139 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:24,680 There's something you said there. 140 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:28,640 I'm curious about that because I don't know exactly what kind of philosophy that is, or 141 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:29,640 maybe I do. 142 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,560 I just don't know the actual term of it. 143 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,280 You said the left-hand side of you. 144 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,120 I have a lot of practice and experience. 145 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,680 I was kind of brought in her editorially. 146 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,920 My dad kind of came out of the proverbial broom closet whenever I was about 15. 147 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,480 And I studied many paths. 148 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,880 I practiced many paths and I kind of became well-rounded. 149 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,880 And left-hand approach would be more self-serving. 150 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:54,000 I don't know if you can imagine the Tree of Life at the Kebala. 151 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,760 There's also a right-hand side, which would be more Christianity terms like mercy, stuff 152 00:07:58,760 --> 00:07:59,760 like that. 153 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:05,560 And I kind of strive for what I call the Israel-Ribardy Middle-Pollock and very passionate 154 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:09,440 about my beliefs and what I call a subjective synthesis that I form. 155 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:15,200 And it's kind of, I put it into practice, all sides, to fully know thyself. 156 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,800 And that's the three aspects. 157 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:17,800 Okay. 158 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:18,800 All right. 159 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:23,360 So, it sounds like you're very much aware of balance, which is, which is ideal, especially 160 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,760 if you want to keep mindfulness. 161 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:32,680 So I am not the world's best practicing Buddhist, but that's what I consider myself as. 162 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:36,520 I started off in Christianity while I was in the military. 163 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:42,520 Became very aware that my beliefs were bringing me anxiety day to day. 164 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,880 Maybe it just hadn't been explained to me right or just wasn't fitting me anymore because 165 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,920 everybody changes. 166 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:52,480 But I eventually came to feel that, you know, Buddhism was the thing that made me feel at 167 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,480 peace with this world and I feel like it started like making me kind of a better person and 168 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:01,720 leaning less on sarcasm and tearing everybody down, which, which is huge. 169 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:07,880 So was your relapse after, you know, you just kind of looked at your, your boyfriend and 170 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,480 went to a bigger picture. 171 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,600 September 4th, 2012, I almost died. 172 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,120 Aggravated assault, deadly weapon, knife to my throat. 173 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:21,720 I was in a six month living in a situation with my son, which ended in the cops kicking 174 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,280 in the door and me in a fetal position. 175 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:28,320 And they gave me a 10 month CPS case for it happening in front of my son. 176 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:32,080 So not only did I almost lose my life, but then I got, in my opinion, punished for it 177 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,920 for 10 months because they thought I'd go back to that. 178 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,360 Because apparently a lot of people do. 179 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,800 And I was like, wow, no, like when you almost die, like I promise you, I'm not going back 180 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:39,800 to that. 181 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,600 I showed this man mercy and I didn't want to testify. 182 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:48,040 I told the assistant DA that as long as he's on his medications, I'm not worried and they 183 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,760 can reduce charges and release him. 184 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:54,480 After 90 days, he got reduced from a felony and released and he proceeded to stop me for 185 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:55,480 two years. 186 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,800 And then about four years after that, I'm working at mental health hospital. 187 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:04,160 I'm working at group homes to help my son because he's also on disability. 188 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:07,360 And then I come home one day and my stepdad says, I'm going to talk to you. 189 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,120 Same house I'm in right now. 190 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,880 Step into the laundry room and my son proceeds to tell me that he was molested by the same 191 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,840 man that I showed Marcy to that stopped me. 192 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:21,160 And so I hold it all in for as long as I can and I'm just continuing to like a mental 193 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:26,640 health technician for others while containing this very dark thing that's killing me. 194 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:31,440 And the longer I hold on to it, the resentment and the rage, you can suppress it, but it's 195 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:32,760 going to come out one way or another. 196 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:37,520 So after sitting on that, of course, I did all the things that reported it to the all 197 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,560 the authorities that were needed to them. 198 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,600 They said at the time there was a statute of limitations. 199 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,960 Because since it was not told to me until after that statute, it was however I wanted 200 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:47,960 to proceed. 201 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,640 So I carried my son through over seven mental health hospital stays of his own. 202 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,120 I took him to therapy. 203 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,360 I went to therapy. 204 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,400 I tried medications for three years. 205 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,320 I also had to carry him to probation. 206 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,720 I had to take him to and from because he did assault and violence to my mom, like holes 207 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,320 in the wall, classic Kyle. 208 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:06,320 And I get it. 209 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:10,240 I carried him to the best of my ability till he had about 15, got him through that probation. 210 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:15,240 I helped him, I took him to the summer school so he could graduate and he could go to ninth 211 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,240 grade, which is where he's at now. 212 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,600 And then I stuffed away. 213 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,720 I did construct. 214 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:22,720 My mom had him. 215 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,280 I signed over, he gets SSI. 216 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,200 I willingly signed over the payee rights because I knew that I wasn't doing the right things 217 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:32,840 and I knew that I had to deal with and I didn't know how to, but I had to deal with what I 218 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,480 had suppressed for so long. 219 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,480 Right. 220 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:36,480 So that's where I was at. 221 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:37,480 Okay. 222 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:38,960 I don't know if that answers the question right. 223 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,920 No, that actually goes down just a different road, general. 224 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,760 And that's perfectly fine. 225 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,560 For somebody who, you know, came off the bat and mentioned so much, we could sit here and 226 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,280 talk about everything that you've ever lost. 227 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:56,040 But I mean, it sounds like it was that this right here is, is the story. 228 00:11:56,040 --> 00:12:00,880 To keep the conversation, you know, rolling like maybe like right after the ad read or 229 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:05,440 something, which the ad read is me talking about my own book. 230 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,440 But you know, one day, maybe there will be a book. 231 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,560 I have a book, I have a poetry book. 232 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:10,680 I'm self published. 233 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,960 I am also self published. 234 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:17,000 My book is called Dink, D&D in the Coffin Hold of the USS Enterprise. 235 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:23,960 It's available on my link tree, which I need to get your link tree before we leave. 236 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:24,960 That's right. 237 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:30,680 I wrote a book, Dink, spelled D-I-N-Q, D&D in the Coffin Hold of the USS Enterprise. 238 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,320 And it's available on Amazon as either a paperback or on Kindle. 239 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:38,840 It's a little bit of fantasy, a whole lot of memoir, and it serves as a stark examination 240 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,880 on how being a nerd can save your sanity. 241 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:42,880 Check it out. 242 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,800 Leave me a review. 243 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,880 So you said you enjoyed to play Paladins, right? 244 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:49,880 Yes. 245 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,920 And I found this on paladins.com. 246 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,880 I don't know if you've seen this or not. 247 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,240 Perhaps maybe you have. 248 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,680 This website uses cookies. 249 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:58,680 That's good to know. 250 00:12:58,680 --> 00:12:59,680 All right. 251 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,720 So how deep are you into the Paladins mythos? 252 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,840 Like do you know the story? 253 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:10,240 I mean, Atlas, and I think Atlas was that shooter guy. 254 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,480 Yeah, I know a lot about it. 255 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:13,880 Drop names, I'll link them. 256 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:14,880 Promise you. 257 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:15,880 Okay. 258 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:16,880 I really like stills. 259 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:17,880 Yeah. 260 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:22,400 Well, good, because I only just started looking into it because I kind of want to know what 261 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,800 my guest's interests are. 262 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,280 And I saw that this came before Overwatch. 263 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:29,280 This came before Overwatch. 264 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,360 Yeah, this came up before Overwatch. 265 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:35,560 Still carries a lot of serious Overwatch vibes, but adds a lot more characters. 266 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,200 I enjoy it more than Overwatch. 267 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,200 It was good. 268 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,200 I see that way. 269 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,200 Okay. 270 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,600 Well, because there are so many characters, Paladins thought that this would be important 271 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:54,760 to have a quiz to find out who you were going to be bringing with you into every fight. 272 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,200 Who's going to be your love, your romance. 273 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:02,320 And I figure since we're almost towards Valentine's Day, which will not be the time that this 274 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:06,920 gets released, but still, you know, we could find that out, you know, for... 275 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:07,920 That's awesome. 276 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:12,160 Yeah, for you, for me, for the audience. 277 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:17,000 So when opening a fresh game of Paladins, what class are you playing at? 278 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,000 Usually healer. 279 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,000 Usually what? 280 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,000 A healer. 281 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,880 I go for healer first, but I wait for everybody else to choose. 282 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,280 So read them to me. 283 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,400 So well, that would make, I would put as support because I would do anything to save someone 284 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:30,400 I care about. 285 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:31,400 There you go. 286 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,400 Perfect. 287 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,400 All right. 288 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:34,960 What kind of hobbies do you enjoy? 289 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:41,160 Darkness and destruction, shooting range, meditation, studying the depths of space and time, or 290 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,320 skateboarding and snowboarding. 291 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:46,040 Definitely studying the depths of space and time. 292 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,960 As one does. 293 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,360 If your Valentine could paint you a picture, what would it be of? 294 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,400 Something with fire to send chills to my heart, something cute but fierce. 295 00:14:56,400 --> 00:15:01,920 They recreate the starry night by van Gogh, something dark and filled with pain, something 296 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:06,920 explosive, or they recreate the persistence of memory by Salvador Dali. 297 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,520 Oh, definitely Dali. 298 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,920 I was kind of with a Wally and Dali. 299 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,920 I'm all about that. 300 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:13,920 Obviously. 301 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:18,960 And Dali's a trip, whether it's video or painting, right? 302 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,040 What books of these would you read? 303 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:27,080 Good Omens, A Song of Fire and Ice, The Jungle Book, A Wrinkle in Time, The Stars, My Destination, 304 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:31,440 The Art of War, Good Night Moon, and I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream. 305 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:32,720 These are really good choices. 306 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,880 I'm torn between A Song of Fire and Ice. 307 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:39,320 It actually reminds me of Nora Roberts, or A Wrinkle in Time, or The Art of War. 308 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,880 So I'm going to go Sun-Zoo, The Art of War, because I'm really about the philosophy. 309 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,360 I like that. 310 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:46,360 Okay. 311 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,000 Where would you take your Valentine on your first date? 312 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,000 The Zoo. 313 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,000 I love animals. 314 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,520 I'm going to go laser tag into the darkness and chaos. 315 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,600 It's quite lovely this time of year. 316 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:55,600 The Planetarium. 317 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,360 I'd have to check to see if I have time before committing to a date. 318 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:03,240 The Medieval Fair and Love, Love, Love, Love. 319 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,280 I don't know what that last one means. 320 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:07,280 Okay, so again, porn. 321 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,280 I've done laser tag as the first date before. 322 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:10,280 Super fun. 323 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,520 Or darkness of chaos. 324 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,920 I am infinite chaos, depending on the day. 325 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:17,240 And then I've been to Scarborough Fair in Texas. 326 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,480 So I'm going to go, I'm going to switch it up, and I'm going to say the Medieval Fair. 327 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,840 Alright, Medieval Fair. 328 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,680 I have no idea how many questions there are. 329 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,560 I'm going into this blind. 330 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:30,000 When it comes to deciding where your loyalties lie, who do you side with in the realm? 331 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,320 The Magistrate is on this side of the coin. 332 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,800 Paladins have the best goals for the realm's future. 333 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:35,920 Destroy it all. 334 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,080 Or I only align with those who follow love. 335 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,080 Period. 336 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,080 That last one. 337 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,080 There you go. 338 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,040 You've just come home after a day of battling for the realm. 339 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,320 What do you do to relax? 340 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,200 Lie outside and stay at a star. 341 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,120 Stare up at the stars. 342 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,000 Relax in the living room with my pets. 343 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,280 Work on improvements to my equipment. 344 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,280 Listen to heavy metal music in my room. 345 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,200 And take a nap and dream about love. 346 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,200 Not in select all. 347 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,200 I know. 348 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,400 I'm going to say living room with my pets. 349 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,400 There you go. 350 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,400 That's pretty good. 351 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,560 I've been doing that a lot here recently. 352 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:10,440 My cat just got out of surgery and he's just all about like comfort right now. 353 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,400 So you and your Valentine go out for a drink. 354 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,400 What are you having? 355 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,400 A nice coffee. 356 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,560 A hot one. 357 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,920 Milkshake with a cherry on top. 358 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,080 A unicorn frappuccino. 359 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,080 Wow. 360 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,000 That's branded answer right there. 361 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,000 Water. 362 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,000 It's... 363 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,000 Tiny tea. 364 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,000 Water. 365 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,000 It's for... 366 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,120 For its eternal energy drink or the blood of my enemies. 367 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,120 I don't know. 368 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:36,000 The blood of my enemies sounds tasty but I'm going to go with water. 369 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,000 It's eternal. 370 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,000 It is. 371 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,000 It is. 372 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,000 I've got three bottles of it next to me here. 373 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,000 It's also kind of warm up here. 374 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,840 So it's for my health and survival. 375 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:43,840 Okay. 376 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,840 Here we go. 377 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:45,840 All right. 378 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,920 Your Valentine is Imani. 379 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:48,920 While her temperature is something... 380 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:49,920 She's a good one. 381 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,880 ... is subject to change, she's always got your back dragon and all. 382 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,400 I get behind dragons. 383 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:55,400 Do you... 384 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,400 Do you ever play as Imani? 385 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,400 Is... 386 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:58,400 I absolutely love Imani. 387 00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,640 I've not mastered her yet. 388 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,320 I think level 30 is like the mastery but she does fire ice and she... 389 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:07,960 Her special, her ultimate is turning into a dragon and considering I'm near of the dragon, 390 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:08,960 it's super fitting. 391 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:09,960 Love it. 392 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:10,960 That's very fitting. 393 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:15,840 But there also, I'm a kind of a Pokemon Go nerd that has just recently came back into 394 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:20,360 it because I just, I didn't have time before and they have just recently released a Pokemon 395 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,840 called Drampaw which is half dragon, half grandpa and he looks like he's made out of 396 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,240 cotton candy. 397 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,600 It's a good year at the dragon. 398 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:28,600 There's a lot... 399 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:29,600 Oh yeah. 400 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:38,720 A lot going on. 401 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,400 So I feel like this is the story right here. 402 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:45,400 I mean, we can talk about all your other different losses like, you know, family and job and 403 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:52,200 whatnot but it sounds like to me that this is not just, this is one of those losses that 404 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,960 doesn't necessarily come with a physical loss. 405 00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:00,680 This is, this is a loss of self-esteem. 406 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,800 This is a loss of security. 407 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,960 That's what we're talking about. 408 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:05,960 Yeah. 409 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:06,960 Yeah. 410 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:14,360 So, which some people believe that emotional loss is something that we can just kind of 411 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:15,880 bolster up and just get over. 412 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,480 A lot of times they tell people what you were already doing. 413 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:20,480 Hold it inside. 414 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,840 Deal with it on your own. 415 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,400 Go in the bathroom and cry. 416 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,400 We don't want to see it. 417 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,480 We don't want to hear it. 418 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,640 And that's some bullshit. 419 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,120 My goodness, Selena. 420 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:31,120 All right. 421 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,680 So how many jobs had you had gone through? 422 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:35,680 Last year? 423 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:36,680 Yeah. 424 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:37,680 Okay. 425 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,160 So that was the height of my downfall, I guess. 426 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,160 Originally started 2022 March. 427 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,160 I was working at McDonald's the night that I relapsed. 428 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,920 Went to work the next day like nothing happened. 429 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:51,440 I was unhappy so I ended up getting, I wanted to switch it up so I went to a gas station 430 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,440 work there for a month. 431 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:53,440 Hated it. 432 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:54,440 Absolutely. 433 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,440 It was on the wrong side of town. 434 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:57,680 It doesn't matter where I live. 435 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,280 You know what the wrong side of town is. 436 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,280 I understand. 437 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,360 And then I tried to go back to healthcare. 438 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:04,360 Caregiver. 439 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:05,360 Did that. 440 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,360 I mean, over seven. 441 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,480 I guess I say seven or eight jobs in the past year and a half. 442 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,720 And it just got to the point where I'm tired of trying. 443 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,960 I'm tired of going through the interview process. 444 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,200 If the company does not align. 445 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,880 And what I was proving the most was that the company, their mission statement should 446 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,560 be what they stand by. 447 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,720 And oftentimes it's not. 448 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,360 Like it doesn't matter where I work. 449 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:27,880 But like when they push you to work over 16 hours and you know it's not right, but you 450 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:28,880 still do it. 451 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:29,880 You know what I mean? 452 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,880 You're not standing by your mission. 453 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:32,880 No. 454 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,680 I've been there. 455 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:39,240 Probably when people start looking at the amount of support that they have in their 456 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:42,640 business, they start thinking less about the mission statement, thinking about the bottom 457 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:47,440 lines and that starts hurting the crew and or whoever. 458 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,440 Yeah. 459 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:54,760 Um, so out of all of those, just, just wondering, you just carry on the conversation. 460 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:55,760 What do you think? 461 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:59,600 What was the one job that you lost or you're like, I did not want to lose that job. 462 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:03,320 I don't even know if I should touch base on the actual name, but it was called. 463 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:07,960 I was trying to basically run, run a type of be the assistant. 464 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,760 I worked directly with the CEO. 465 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,400 I worked directly with the lady who ran and set everything up. 466 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:14,960 I was PRN. 467 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,840 I covered everything. 468 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:22,040 And from that I went to the opposite because I lost five clients in the matter of two months 469 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,040 to death for old, for elderly. 470 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,880 And I got really sad and I was like, I'm tired of that. 471 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,240 Let's go for something completely different. 472 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,560 So I went and I worked at an adult bookstore for three weeks and I was going to become 473 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:32,560 a store manager. 474 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,080 And I was training and learning all that, but if I have an addictive personality, that 475 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:41,600 might not have been the best choice for me, which I found out quickly, less than a month 476 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,000 before I was asked to quit. 477 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,000 Oh man. 478 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:49,000 Um, so you're just kind of free falling, free falling, wheeling around, trying to grab 479 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,840 anything you could hold on to. 480 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:54,400 And people look at, give me the chance, like the fact that I could have ran a whole store 481 00:21:54,400 --> 00:22:00,720 as a store manager, the fact that I could have, it's insane how much potential I have 482 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,520 and how terrible I applied it, you know? 483 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:07,280 Hey, there's got, there's something to be said for being honest with yourself at least, 484 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:11,800 you know, just saying, I was like, ah, man, better than that. 485 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:16,040 The first time, I know this is small cookies in comparison to your whole story, but like 486 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,720 the first time I ever ran into anything like that. 487 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,120 And this is seriously this pales in comparison, but I can't stop myself. 488 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:28,560 I, uh, failed my first ever class in high school and it was history. 489 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,560 Still hate history. 490 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:30,560 I, I'm not happy. 491 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:31,560 I'm upset. 492 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,560 I hate history, but I'm good at it. 493 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,680 Ah, well, you see, I was good at it too. 494 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:39,120 All I had to do was do the damn homework or actually do the work. 495 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:43,520 And so I had the same teacher again the next year, made all days and she just looked at 496 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,840 me in disappointment as she handed me my last grade. 497 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,120 She's like, why didn't you just do this the first time? 498 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,840 Mr. Laplac, you're so much better than this. 499 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,960 And she was like one of those like old school teachers, like if she could hit people with 500 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,040 rulers, she would have. 501 00:22:56,040 --> 00:23:02,160 And I was just like, sorry, Dr. Green, but that was my, my first taste of ever realizing 502 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:06,400 that people actually watch you apply yourself. 503 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:10,320 You know, sometimes people think that you're not being watched or sometimes the opposite 504 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:11,760 people think they've been watched. 505 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,080 They people watch you too much. 506 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:21,200 Um, but paranoia and reality and like, the universe sees it all every, every stage. 507 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,760 Do you think that do you think at a certain point that you were like, you were having 508 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,280 blinders on to everybody else? 509 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:30,560 Like you were just thinking everybody else is seeing me try my best. 510 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,760 Nobody seeing the, the darker side of what's happening to me right now. 511 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,440 Not necessarily like that. 512 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:41,480 I think that people were only amplifying the darker aspects, you know, in some ways, in 513 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:46,000 some form or fashion, saw everything that I was doing, but they were manipulating it 514 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,480 to their own advantage and or what they could get out of it. 515 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:50,480 Yeah. 516 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,040 And that's kind of the nature of humans, the human condition. 517 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:57,720 And um, it hurts whenever you're an empath, which is what I kind of declare myself as. 518 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:02,720 I've reached the point where like I can kind of connect and make people feel things just 519 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,960 by talking to them just by being on the phone or being in video. 520 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:10,400 And it's really hard, but I've learned how to control that to a point where I've learned 521 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,400 a lot. 522 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,400 It's a lot of shocker work. 523 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:13,400 I'll just make you that way. 524 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:14,400 A lot of stuff. 525 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:19,200 Uh, well, what about support during those times where there was there anybody who was 526 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,600 constantly in your corner this entire time? 527 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:25,280 The people that actually are destroying your life are actually the ones also saving them 528 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,280 simultaneously. 529 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:30,800 And when you think that your family, they should have your back, sure they prayed for 530 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:34,760 you to get up off the streets, but that's the same family member that is now evicting 531 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,280 me, you know what I mean? 532 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,960 Contending me back to the streets that I was saved from. 533 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:43,480 So it's very ironic that the people that are actually there for me will bring me a pack 534 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:44,480 of cigarettes. 535 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:45,480 We'll be like, Hey, hang in there. 536 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:46,480 Hey, got this. 537 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:50,080 Are the very people that I truly learned myself. 538 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:51,080 Right. 539 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,440 Um, you were telling me a little bit about your current situation before we're going 540 00:24:54,440 --> 00:25:01,840 in here and have to say, you know, you're, you admit the fact that you, you got a problem 541 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:06,560 with addiction does and get a chance. 542 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:11,400 Know that I'm asking this after watching my parents do a whole bunch of stuff under their 543 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,640 own addictions. 544 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,600 And so at this point I'm asking out of curiosity because I'm never going to get the chance 545 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,440 to ask my own parents. 546 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,920 Um, how much of a pool. 547 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:26,000 When things get dark and down, how much of a pool and what does that pool feel like? 548 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:30,600 Does your addiction give on you in times of strife and stress? 549 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,640 It's like the abyss, doc and the cabalistic terms. 550 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:42,080 Like fully being aware that I could just literally fall backwards and go and the pull on it. 551 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:46,640 It's so strong that I have to literally practice grounding myself. 552 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:52,280 I have to literally stomp my foot on the ground, if they know to myself, like today, for instance, 553 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:57,160 it was a terrible day and, um, the universe had my back whenever I wasn't strong enough. 554 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:02,800 So I once again remain sober and clean and I am so much stronger for it. 555 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:07,240 The fact that I almost let somebody down to that very point where it's like I either feel 556 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:10,440 morbid or I'm going to do something about it. 557 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:15,120 And instead I'm here talking to somebody about it and it's like so therapeutic, way better 558 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,320 than getting high, way better than drinking. 559 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:19,800 And um, it's perfect. 560 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,160 What I'm going through right now sucks. 561 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,000 I don't know how many times I'm going to get a chance to say this. 562 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,000 It seems like it's happened. 563 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,800 This is my fifth podcast I've done so far for this season and um, it seems like this 564 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:37,440 comes up every time that anxiety and problems, the stuff that you're holding on in the inside 565 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:41,480 seem and look so much smaller once you finally get them out of your mouth and show them to 566 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:42,480 people. 567 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,880 You show them this little thing that has been eating you up inside. 568 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:49,840 And it doesn't necessarily, you know, it doesn't cure you. 569 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:50,840 God knows. 570 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:56,800 But sharing that with somebody, it's, it's as effective as therapy depending on how 571 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,320 good your therapist is. 572 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:03,000 I feel like my, I feel like my therapist is pretty good and she does more than just listen 573 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,000 to me. 574 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,600 But sometimes Jesus, that's all you need. 575 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:06,600 Well, I'm, I'm glad. 576 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:11,520 That advice that I got was actually from a cat kicked out of haunting reality shipping. 577 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:16,040 I paid $50 for this piece of ice, which then he refunded three weeks in. 578 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:20,640 He said that my critical failure was looking at the world or looking at others as if they 579 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:21,640 were broken. 580 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:26,400 My mindset, if I wanted to change my reality, we did the change because it's a reflection 581 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:27,400 of the self. 582 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,760 If I look at somebody else like they're broken, then obviously there's something wrong with 583 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:32,080 me for not being able to heal them. 584 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:36,480 So when I changed that mentality, my whole world, well, I might still be dealing with 585 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,480 problems. 586 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:38,480 My whole world has changed forever. 587 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,520 That sounds like that would be very much the thing that you would have to keep up, you 588 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:45,160 know, just through, you know, willpower and probably affirmations. 589 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:49,760 You seem like somebody who really believes in affirmations, like putting that out there 590 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,640 and living what you're putting out there. 591 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,760 Standing by what I do, even if it's cool. 592 00:27:54,760 --> 00:28:01,080 Well, you know, you did mention earlier that you, you written, you've written a book of 593 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,080 poetry. 594 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:06,760 I'm sure that that's just a quality like example of the stuff that's in there as well. 595 00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:08,760 I mean, think about it. 596 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:10,160 Who's a very ubiquitous word? 597 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:12,240 It could rhyme with a lot of different things. 598 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:13,400 All right. 599 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:19,080 So when I was writing these questions, I thought that it was a loss of spirituality that you 600 00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:23,160 would found yourself on an agnostic plane or something different. 601 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,760 But you said it was actually a, it was a circle. 602 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:29,240 It was maybe, maybe not a perfect circle. 603 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:30,240 Probably. 604 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,040 Shout out to perfect circle, but. 605 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:33,040 Yeah. 606 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:34,040 A little purple circle. 607 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:35,800 Like it came across my Spotify the other day. 608 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:37,680 I was like, I totally forgot you existed. 609 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:38,680 Thank you for coming back. 610 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,280 A month or two ago. 611 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:42,280 That's. 612 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:43,280 Yeah. 613 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:44,280 Maybe maybe they're coming back. 614 00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,280 We just don't know it. 615 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:47,920 So let's talk about spirituality for a second. 616 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:56,440 Would you call the way that you feel about God and the universe a role in coping or is 617 00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,360 it a way of life that has spawned other coping mechanisms? 618 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:03,800 Tell me about what spirituality means to you. 619 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,400 And now it is transforming into basically a lifestyle. 620 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:12,200 I, as I stated, I've studied many different world religions and practices starting from, 621 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,920 you know, I was trying to be Buddhist when I was 15. 622 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:15,920 That was my goal. 623 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:16,920 That was actually my first time. 624 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:18,400 It's hard to do as a team. 625 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:23,520 I joined an open circle because of my dad and he did, I did, I dedicated myself for 626 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:26,840 a year and a day just studying as above so below principles. 627 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:32,040 Through that I watched as he giced through that I decided, wow, mind blown. 628 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:37,640 And then I started studying the hermetic principles, rebellion, red 1984 multiple times, brave new 629 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:38,640 world. 630 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:42,040 And I kind of developed my own, my dad played a devil's advocate by the way, because he's 631 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:45,520 an old goat and he would challenge me and we would have debates. 632 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:50,080 Not all of them were healthy, but debated because we wanted me to develop a really strong sense 633 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:54,160 of self and it's kind of Nordic in practice where it's a lifestyle. 634 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:58,520 Like you say that you better put your, put your money where your mouth is. 635 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:03,520 And so when I reached the point where I wanted to truly know myself internally in terms of 636 00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:10,840 the darker aspects of shadow work, what I applied was over 17 years of mental preparation. 637 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:16,120 And so there are many times where I feel like I could have easily not been here today, but 638 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:21,640 because of my ability to think quick on my feet, I am here today and it's amazing. 639 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:28,200 And it only strengthens, however weak my application on life itself, it only strengthens my internal 640 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,680 bond with my spiritual side. 641 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,520 I think I'm, I think I'm doing really good. 642 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:37,280 I think on the right track, it took me doing a year and a day being a part of an open circle. 643 00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:41,720 I was a part of a Coven, Wiccan, Gardenarian or Alexandrian and base. 644 00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:46,360 I was taught by a fourth generation, third degree British traditional witch. 645 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:47,360 She was our Coven leader. 646 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:49,360 No doubt it was the high priest. 647 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:53,640 I lived with the open heart, open circle, high priest and high priestess. 648 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:54,640 I took care of them. 649 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:55,640 They were disabled. 650 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:56,720 I was the maid. 651 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,720 I would set up and break down. 652 00:30:58,720 --> 00:30:59,720 I was a bard. 653 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:00,720 I could play guitar. 654 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:01,720 I could jump. 655 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:02,720 It was one of the best times in my life. 656 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:06,840 And when I lost that and where I moved now is like a Bible Belt of text, it's West Texas. 657 00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:08,440 I can't apply that now. 658 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:10,440 That is such Christianity. 659 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:11,440 Christianity. 660 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:13,560 That is such a shift. 661 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:15,640 It's a movie that you would never believe. 662 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:20,520 It's a love story that might not ever get told of how I found God. 663 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:21,520 Wow. 664 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:23,520 That, that is amazing. 665 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:30,840 I mean, even I'm, I fully believe that what you see in religion in life, especially as 666 00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:35,760 you get older becomes an amalgamation of all different types of things. 667 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,680 Makes the universe make sense to you. 668 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:43,400 And it's even more special if you realize that there's only a handful of people in the 669 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,400 world that may see it the same way as you do. 670 00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:50,800 But for coming from those different layers, you know, from being the, the maiden, the 671 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:56,080 bard from being the parts of those circles and then coming back to, you said, Texas, 672 00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:57,080 right? 673 00:31:57,080 --> 00:31:58,080 Coming back to, coming back. 674 00:31:58,080 --> 00:31:59,080 Born in the Middle East. 675 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:00,080 But yeah. 676 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:01,080 Okay. 677 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,400 I was, I was born in Oklahoma, but raised in the Carolinas. 678 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:10,000 But, but then coming back to that, obviously your relationship with, with God can't be 679 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,440 the exact same one as it was. 680 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:13,800 I mean, you've seen and done too much. 681 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,240 I tried to explore that entire duality. 682 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:17,640 Like I effectively did. 683 00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,000 I watched my old go to the dad. 684 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:21,000 And you know what I mean? 685 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:24,320 I cannot, I'm not going to get into that because I don't want to, I don't want to twist it 686 00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:28,360 into something where it's perceived negatively because it's not, it's all a part of truly 687 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:34,120 understanding that there's one source in my opinion and the religious paths are all branches 688 00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:35,400 to that huge tree. 689 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:37,800 And however you visualize it is your thought form. 690 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:42,920 So the way I visualize and connect it to God whenever I found him, it, you know, it was 691 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,520 a Bob Marley one love and it was, it's a joke in my head. 692 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:51,800 You know, he doesn't look a thing like Jesus because he's Bob Marley dude. 693 00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:52,800 It's hilarious. 694 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:54,360 I could subscribe to that actually. 695 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:58,600 I, I could totally see Jesus as a barb Bob Marley. 696 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:00,040 Eskos, I'll be honest with you. 697 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:04,080 I was not, even when I was younger, I was never completely down with white, brown hair, 698 00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:05,080 blue eye Jesus. 699 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:11,280 Like I, I never, it doesn't, I, even when I was younger, I was like, he came, he came 700 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:16,680 from where and when was this and he was, he looked very Aryan evidently. 701 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,440 I, it didn't ever make sense. 702 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:19,440 He brown, he brown. 703 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:20,440 Okay. 704 00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:22,440 Let's just get to brown, whatever he is. 705 00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:23,440 Exactly. 706 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:24,440 He was not, yeah. 707 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:25,760 He was not an Adonis. 708 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:32,520 So, so these moments when, Adonis, that's great. 709 00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:37,240 So many, so many different things come out in these conversations that I have and I will, 710 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:43,160 I will probably have, hopefully remember Michael, you need to remember this, have Adonis maybe 711 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,160 in the title. 712 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:45,160 I think that would actually grab some people. 713 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:46,160 Oh, I was a side joke. 714 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:48,160 It, for me, it's on a butt. 715 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:49,920 Don't just cut that part out. 716 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:50,920 We'll see. 717 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:53,920 We'll see what comes of it off the cutting room floor. 718 00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:55,840 You're, you're like a DM. 719 00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:58,040 You really are. 720 00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:00,440 You have to be, you have to be. 721 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,280 You have religion. 722 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:11,080 You see as your, your religion, your experience, what other coping mechanisms do you have other 723 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:14,520 than, you know, speaking out loud, stomping your foot? 724 00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:20,360 Like what else gets you through the times where everything just seems like it's full 725 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:22,360 of loss and shit? 726 00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:24,360 Music, my lineage. 727 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:28,560 I cannot go into detail about this, but in my journey, and I was adopted, it was a closed 728 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:33,400 case classified and one of my goals was to find out the true lineage. 729 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:38,840 I'm not at liberty to talk about that just yet, but it's pretty magical and music, drumming 730 00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:40,720 and guitar. 731 00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:41,720 I'm curious. 732 00:34:41,720 --> 00:34:43,520 So can you tell me after we stop recording? 733 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:44,520 Absolutely. 734 00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:45,520 Fantastic. 735 00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:46,520 It's a working progress. 736 00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:47,520 It's a life's passion. 737 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,360 I will not talk about just yet. 738 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:50,360 Gotcha. 739 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:51,360 Gotcha. 740 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:54,880 Well, I will, I will hold it to myself and no one will ever know unless you give me the 741 00:34:54,880 --> 00:35:00,560 go ahead to, or if you want to maybe do it on a future episode or something. 742 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:03,080 Music is, is huge for me as well. 743 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:07,400 And I'm one of those people who call music therapy. 744 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,720 I mean, a lot of people subscribe to that idea. 745 00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:17,360 And I used to call it audio morphine when I was working as a restaurant manager for 14 746 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:18,560 years. 747 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:22,400 And they gave me the closing shift most of the time because I had a good eye for detail. 748 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,000 And I was also a department head. 749 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:30,080 So there was a lot of times where closing also meant handling the inventory. 750 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,440 But I would, I would tell people, it's like, all right, look, if you're going to listen 751 00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:37,040 to your own music, put in earphones or ear, earphones yet. 752 00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:38,040 That's not right. 753 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,040 Headphones. 754 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:40,040 Yeah. 755 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:43,480 Headphones at the time, earbuds weren't necessarily all that thing. 756 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:46,880 Apple pods were iPods, ear pods, whatever they were. 757 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:48,000 They were, they were a thing. 758 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,000 You can tell I'm not an Apple boy at all. 759 00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:51,480 I'm not either. 760 00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:52,480 Yeah. 761 00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:57,720 Um, but I would take my stereo or Bluetooth speaker or whatever I had at the time and put 762 00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:02,800 it in the office door facing out towards the kitchen and just blast whatever it was. 763 00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:09,000 And the moment that the music started, I felt the anxiety not loosen, you know, just all 764 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,080 the stress and everything out of the day. 765 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:18,040 And I would go after my parents died, I would seek out the songs that would actively make 766 00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:23,320 me a moat like there are times where I'm going to cry regardless because I'm, I got no problem 767 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:28,040 crying, but sometimes just, yeah, yeah. 768 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:31,720 Emotionally constipated, I think I called myself once because I was just like, I feel 769 00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:32,720 it. 770 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:33,720 It just won't come out. 771 00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:40,360 And then, um, uh, it was, I think a year after my dad passed and, uh, I was listening 772 00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:44,480 to, uh, Blue October, Hate Me. 773 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:45,480 And yeah. 774 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:46,480 Yeah. 775 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:48,000 You know, you know, I could see the look on your face. 776 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:49,000 And you're face right now. 777 00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:55,200 So I mean, that song, the song, it's, it doesn't even necessarily like accurately reflect the 778 00:36:55,200 --> 00:37:01,680 pain of like my situation is not the same as the songs, but it, my God, the right, yeah, 779 00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:04,000 the raw emotion just takes everything in here. 780 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:07,440 And then the next thing I know I'm screaming along, there's tears in my eyes. 781 00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:10,040 God, I love, I love that song. 782 00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,600 Every time it comes along, I re blog it or repost it wherever I happen to find it. 783 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:16,600 I'm like, everybody else needs to feel the pain I'm feeling right now. 784 00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:22,440 I mean, I think that's a great story for what I'm hoping to be a first episode with you. 785 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:27,240 I mean, if you ever want to like talk more about like the times where like, I feel, I 786 00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:31,560 feel like this was just like a 45 minute introduction to something that can just get packed later, 787 00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:32,560 but we'll see. 788 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:33,560 We'll see. 789 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:37,160 Um, but there, there's so much I want to ask you, but there's so much time that I don't 790 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:38,160 have. 791 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:39,160 Sorry if I've overloaded you. 792 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:40,160 No, it's okay. 793 00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:41,160 I barely even touched this. 794 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:42,160 Yeah. 795 00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:43,160 I know, I know. 796 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:47,680 And, but no, I think this right here is a interesting enough story. 797 00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:53,520 The fact that, you know, you have, you know, there's stories of loss and struggle and then 798 00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:54,520 change. 799 00:37:54,520 --> 00:38:00,120 You're not the first person to have changed their view on, on life in general and move 800 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:01,120 forward. 801 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,880 That's, that's in a different fashion than what they were. 802 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:10,000 I've come to see that a couple of times now, which is, I knew going into this podcast that 803 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:15,320 I was going to find so many different styles of humanity that I had just. 804 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,760 The way I framed it in my head, I think I posted it on my page. 805 00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:20,200 I was like, it's not skid row, but it might've came close. 806 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:21,200 You know what I mean? 807 00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:24,880 It's kind of like a documentary, but it's not, it's a conversation. 808 00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:27,720 And what I like the most about it is that there's room for growth. 809 00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:30,560 There's room for a continuation, a continuum. 810 00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:33,120 And it doesn't have to be worse, whatever feels natural. 811 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:37,440 So whatever stopping point you get to is whatever stopping point I take. 812 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:38,440 Okay. 813 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:44,280 So my question for you would be, what made you want to create this podcast specifically? 814 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:45,280 If you care to share. 815 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:46,280 Yes. 816 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,120 God, I care to share. 817 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:51,720 It's only fair after asking so many people, so many other questions. 818 00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:53,320 So quick lowdown. 819 00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:55,840 I've told this story before, but not to you. 820 00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:59,440 I lost my mom in 2016. 821 00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:03,840 And from there, I started doing videos after I would take walks, clearing my mind and 822 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:04,840 just talk to people. 823 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,840 It was called sitting with Michael at the time. 824 00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:12,760 And I went from there and decided to start doing YouTube videos and they were doing okay. 825 00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:16,240 But then I wanted to figure out how I was doing better and somebody said you could do better 826 00:39:16,240 --> 00:39:18,720 doing short form videos. 827 00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:21,720 And I was like, all right, of course, this is around when TikTok was taken off around 828 00:39:21,720 --> 00:39:23,200 2020. 829 00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:24,360 And so I started doing those. 830 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:25,360 And yeah, it did take off. 831 00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:28,960 I found a better audience that way, took that applied to other places, finally became 832 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:33,200 sitting with you because you go over my whole platform. 833 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:36,840 And then yeah, I think it was shortly after my dad died, which has been a couple of years, 834 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:41,880 two or three years now, I try not to put a noticeable pin on the calendar for that. 835 00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:42,880 The days will come. 836 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:46,000 I try not to remember how long it was. 837 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:51,320 And I was talking to a lot of other people who were talking about loss. 838 00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:54,360 And there was a lot of stress that wasn't being handled right. 839 00:39:54,360 --> 00:40:01,620 And it was before I was in therapy that I started talking to other people and starting 840 00:40:01,620 --> 00:40:04,000 hearing all of these different stories. 841 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:09,760 Because people want to commiserate or the horrible thing is like, I'm so sorry. 842 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:11,200 And then they just stare at you. 843 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,360 That's the worst. 844 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:19,320 But I knew that I wanted to do a podcast before then, but it was kind of aimless. 845 00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:23,760 And then the more that I had these conversations, and then it was before I went to therapy, 846 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:28,120 I can say that, that I was just like, I want to talk to other people about how they're 847 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:29,200 dealing with it. 848 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,540 Because people kind of get uncomfortable with me when I make dead parent jokes. 849 00:40:32,540 --> 00:40:33,800 But I'm in that club. 850 00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:35,880 My parents die. 851 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:38,080 Other people are making dead parent jokes and their parents aren't dead. 852 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:40,400 That means that either A, their relationships are really messed up. 853 00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:44,160 Or B, they just don't get two shits about death. 854 00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:49,080 But for me, it was more along the lines of, it was my coping. 855 00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,720 And then I realized that not everybody copes the same way. 856 00:40:51,720 --> 00:40:55,520 And then I really wanted to find out how people are coping. 857 00:40:55,520 --> 00:41:03,240 But coping and grief changes different people in so many different wild permutations. 858 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:06,640 And I want other people out of there, the more I thought about it, I was like, other 859 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:11,320 people out there are struggling, being told not to cry, being told to just shovel their 860 00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:12,760 emotions in. 861 00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:17,600 Or they're going through some really weird symptoms that people don't really necessarily 862 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:22,160 think about due to either self-medication or there was already an imbalance in their 863 00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:27,880 life and the grief is coming out and say, like, I've heard of people just rhythmically 864 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,640 pulling out their hair or I wanted to know those stories. 865 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:36,160 And I want other people to hear those stories too, because it can't just be about my help, 866 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,520 about helping me if I'm going to. 867 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:40,920 But it's not about my opinion. 868 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:41,920 Okay. 869 00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:43,360 I will take that. 870 00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:47,040 I've got my shoes are humongous. 871 00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:49,880 So that makes sense. 872 00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:54,960 And then I got, I found out right before I started recording that, God, what's his name, 873 00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:59,200 Anderson Cooper was doing a podcast about grief. 874 00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:04,200 But his was about learning how to handle all the things that he hasn't handled, like what 875 00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,960 grief, what, what, how that actually means and what how that's how that is shaping his 876 00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:09,280 life and how it could be better. 877 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:11,720 I was like, okay, all right, it's different enough. 878 00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:15,560 I'm not, I'm not stepping into the same places that other people are. 879 00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:18,800 But even if he did, there are so many different stories. 880 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:19,960 It's a spectrum. 881 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:21,080 It's definitely a spectrum. 882 00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:22,080 It is. 883 00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:24,560 Um, well, Celine, this has been amazing. 884 00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:29,180 Um, you know, we don't have to, we don't have to like hang up, hang up right now. 885 00:42:29,180 --> 00:42:32,600 Because I've got, I've got a while before I've got to head home and I'd love to just 886 00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:36,760 you know, talk with you in general, but this podcast can't keep running too long. 887 00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:38,760 Again, thank you so much, Celine. 888 00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:40,720 Where do you want people to find you? 889 00:42:40,720 --> 00:42:43,400 Do you want to plug anything that you want to plug? 890 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:48,480 Um, Celine, Amber, Wolf, Christina, Ashley, Vansby or infinite chaos, depending on who 891 00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,600 you get that day. 892 00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:55,600 And you mind if I put your link tree in, in our, okay, I'll get my link tree from you. 893 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:57,840 It'll be in the description. 894 00:42:57,840 --> 00:43:02,920 And I've been your host, Michael LeBlanc, even if you miss next month's episode, well, 895 00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:04,080 still, it's your loss. 896 00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:05,520 I'll talk to you guys later. 897 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:19,160 Bye-bye.