1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,700 Before we start this podcast, I want to say that every project I have pretty much has 2 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:07,940 a village behind it, and this one is no exception. 3 00:00:07,940 --> 00:00:12,940 I want to thank the patrons who stepped in on my Kickstarter to really make sure that 4 00:00:12,940 --> 00:00:14,780 this got off the ground. 5 00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:22,700 Denise Grady, Caden White-Wattam, Amanda Peake, Todd A. Davis, Jay Grant, and Corey 6 00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:23,700 Watson. 7 00:00:23,700 --> 00:00:28,020 Without you guys, I wouldn't be sitting here talking with the awesome guest that I'm 8 00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:29,860 about to talk to. 9 00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:36,540 Thank you so much. 10 00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:40,620 Welcome to It's Your Lost podcast, where raw stories of resilience and healing are 11 00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:49,340 told, all while uncovering and destigmatizing the diverse symptoms of loss. 12 00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,340 Welcome back to the podcast. 13 00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:54,920 I'm your host, Michael LeBlanc, and if you missed last month's episode, well, it's 14 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:55,920 your loss. 15 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,700 Today is a little bit different because it's just me. 16 00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:02,020 I don't have anybody sitting across from me or on Zoom. 17 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:06,880 It's just me in a chair, leaning forward as close as I can to this mic and sharing my 18 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:13,140 own story of loss, resilience, growth, why I'm doing this. 19 00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:18,420 Maybe we can get to know each other a little better over this proverbial cup of coffee. 20 00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:19,420 Settle in. 21 00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:25,100 Let's talk about the things that I've lost and how I wound up being here. 22 00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:29,500 First in 2016, I faced the first big loss of my life. 23 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:32,380 My mother passed away due to COPD. 24 00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:36,860 Basically she was breathing in, but every time she breathed out, there was a lot of 25 00:01:36,860 --> 00:01:39,180 CO2 that just decided to stay in her body. 26 00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:42,620 She wound up passing away quietly in her sleep. 27 00:01:42,620 --> 00:01:47,180 The home that she was living in in Oklahoma, they called me and said that she had passed 28 00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:48,180 away. 29 00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:52,980 I think that's when it really started shaping the perspective of my life and ways that I 30 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,740 just never had really thought of. 31 00:01:55,740 --> 00:02:02,380 That became a turbulent journey of finding out what grief was, finding out what depression 32 00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:08,300 was, trying to search for the meaning of life more than I had already done up to that point. 33 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:12,700 And then around that time, I lost the status of my relationship. 34 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:19,380 Me and my ex, we had grown, become different people and realized that we were better friends 35 00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:21,980 than we ever were spouses. 36 00:02:21,980 --> 00:02:30,060 Going through that separation and my mom passing away at the same time, it not only added a 37 00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:38,100 layer to my loss, it was a shift of learning how to cope with emotional stress. 38 00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:42,420 I learned how to cope mainly through humor at first. 39 00:02:42,420 --> 00:02:48,740 In fact, when I found out the day that my mom had passed, I called my ex-wife, we were 40 00:02:48,740 --> 00:02:55,740 separated at the time, and said, hey, guess who has two thumbs and no mom. 41 00:02:55,740 --> 00:03:00,500 The silence on the other end of the phone was deep. 42 00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:04,540 And I just said me, a little strained voice. 43 00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:08,420 I got up that day and started ironing my shirts. 44 00:03:08,420 --> 00:03:11,740 I called my brother or he called me, I don't remember which one. 45 00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:15,060 He could hear the ironing board in the background, he's like, are you okay? 46 00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:17,340 I think it's at that point I realized I wasn't. 47 00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:24,260 I lit out of one of the most weirdest twisted sounds I think I've ever made, the sound of 48 00:03:24,260 --> 00:03:30,940 the beginning of a sob and a groan and a yell all at the same time, just pure anguish coming 49 00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:32,060 out of my throat. 50 00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:34,420 I've never made that sound since. 51 00:03:34,420 --> 00:03:39,660 I've come close, but not the same way that happened when I lost my mom. 52 00:03:39,660 --> 00:03:43,020 I heard somebody else make that sound very recently. 53 00:03:43,020 --> 00:03:50,300 It triggered the same deep existential pain that I was feeling at that time, the first 54 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:53,340 time I made that sound. 55 00:03:53,340 --> 00:03:56,020 It's haunting that sound. 56 00:03:56,020 --> 00:04:03,020 So two losses down, six years later, my father, who I had always had a strained relationship 57 00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:08,700 as we had grown older, had begun to realize in my adult years that my mom was my favorite 58 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:09,700 parent. 59 00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:14,980 I've always talked more about details than I think I'd ever talked about with my dad, 60 00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:20,740 including my sexuality and the way that I view the world. 61 00:04:20,740 --> 00:04:27,100 Dad and I basically had a passing casual conversation relationship that almost always ended in him 62 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:32,940 asking for money, adding a strain to our relationship that I just could never look past. 63 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:38,020 Eventually, after I told him that I would always pick up the phone after mom had passed 64 00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:42,300 away because we were going to fix our relationship, it got to the point where I'm just watching 65 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:48,420 the phone ring until it stops or stopped past tense. 66 00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:51,020 You know, life has a way of throwing curveballs at us. 67 00:04:51,020 --> 00:04:57,340 Not only did those losses happen, like physical losses that are attached to people, I also 68 00:04:57,340 --> 00:05:03,980 lost jobs, as a lot of us did during the pandemic in 2020. 69 00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:07,300 I lost two jobs during that year. 70 00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:11,180 If it hadn't been for the fact that we were in a situation where other people were in 71 00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:15,700 the same boat, I probably would have felt a little bit more dejected than I did. 72 00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:20,900 I did feel really weird about having to reach out for assistance for money or anything like 73 00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:21,900 that. 74 00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,740 There were a lot of emotions going through me at that time. 75 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:30,420 As I'm sure there were a lot of turbulent and upsetting situations happening all over 76 00:05:30,420 --> 00:05:36,500 the world, it just struck me that my sense of identity and stability could just be rocked 77 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:43,260 like that just by a couple of motions that basically I had no control over, vice controlling 78 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:48,900 my own exposure to other people and monitoring my health. 79 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:55,020 But it's not like I caused the pandemic, but it sure was just affecting me nonetheless. 80 00:05:55,020 --> 00:06:00,940 The world was moving around, my life was getting changed, and I felt so useless at times. 81 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:05,100 But all of these challenges prompted shifts and coping mechanisms. 82 00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:10,300 I began to see myself as a member of clubs that were letting me in because certain events 83 00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:11,300 had let me in. 84 00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:13,340 Like, I was now in the Dead Parents Club. 85 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:16,420 I was now in the One Divorce Under My Belt Club. 86 00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:20,260 I was now in the Oop, I've Had COVID Club. 87 00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:27,100 Though I do still sometimes pull from those just to get a laugh or to let people know 88 00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:33,060 that I am in a healed or healing situation when it comes to thinking about the things 89 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,500 that I've lost. 90 00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:39,140 It's still kind of an evolving thing where I'm deciding to have more serious conversations 91 00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:47,740 sometimes and using the jokes more as antidotes so I can actually interact with people and 92 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:52,780 let them know that, hey, I hear you, I'm listening, I can be empathetic, I can be sympathetic 93 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:53,780 too. 94 00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:56,940 The hits just kept coming during this time. 95 00:06:56,940 --> 00:07:04,500 All I was trying to get all of this in my mind and like, okay, my 30s are going to be 96 00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:06,620 just the decade of loss. 97 00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:11,740 My body was like, you know what, we're going to give you a little bit more grief. 98 00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:14,380 We're going to evict your gallbladder. 99 00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:20,700 And that was a process all on its own of long nights sitting with a heating pad on my right 100 00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:25,980 hand side above my ribs thinking that I had some kind of weird gas problem until eventually 101 00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:32,420 I went to the doctor and they were giving me my ultrasound and when I asked them, hey, 102 00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:33,940 how does it look in there? 103 00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:37,780 She said, well, I don't have the ability to diagnose you. 104 00:07:37,780 --> 00:07:42,100 I do, however, know that you can live without a gallbladder. 105 00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:48,340 I took the hint and realized that I was about to lose my gallbladder and that changed some 106 00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:50,180 physical aspects in my life. 107 00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:56,940 It changed a part of my diet and then I wound up getting diabetes. 108 00:07:56,940 --> 00:08:01,060 A lot of things happened in between my 30s and 40s. 109 00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:07,500 It not only shaped me into this person that I am now behind the microphone. 110 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:10,900 It shaped me into a different person dealing with people day to day. 111 00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:18,540 I think it gave me more empathy and it gave me more understanding of what people may go 112 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:24,780 through because each one of those different losses, I went through the stages of grief 113 00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:25,780 for each one. 114 00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:30,620 I mean, obviously for the ones of my parents, to a lesser degree, I went through the same 115 00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:32,380 thing with my dad. 116 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:37,500 I had so much bargaining, anger and depression, grief, acceptance, all of it. 117 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:41,220 I had all five stages when it came to my divorce. 118 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:46,180 That's because I was really thinking that this was going to be the relationship that 119 00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:48,380 was going to continue on. 120 00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:53,140 But then again, I always thought that even though my parents who had various health problems 121 00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:56,860 of their own, I thought that they were going to continue on. 122 00:08:56,860 --> 00:09:02,020 Turns out I wasn't really good at sudden unexpected change in my life. 123 00:09:02,020 --> 00:09:08,020 I guess as humans, we really aren't all that adept at dealing with change. 124 00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:10,700 But well, those threw me for a loop. 125 00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:16,900 To deal with that change, to deal with that loss, to deal to cope, right? 126 00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:20,540 Not only was I using humor, but I was also using content creation. 127 00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:24,820 It started shortly after my mom passed away, where I would go on these long walks and just 128 00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:26,380 let my brain wander. 129 00:09:26,380 --> 00:09:31,140 And then I would sit down with the phone's camera facing me and I would vent about whatever 130 00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:35,300 my brain had been fixated on during that 45 minute walk. 131 00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:38,180 And then I would put those videos up on Facebook. 132 00:09:38,180 --> 00:09:39,940 People started liking them. 133 00:09:39,940 --> 00:09:44,660 One thing led to another on doing short form videos on TikTok during the pandemic because 134 00:09:44,660 --> 00:09:46,780 everybody was. 135 00:09:46,780 --> 00:09:50,100 And from there, I started a podcast. 136 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:58,020 I really feel like creation is such a large part of my healing process as well. 137 00:09:58,020 --> 00:10:01,020 Not only am I doing that, but I was writing as well too. 138 00:10:01,020 --> 00:10:06,740 So I mean, I keep myself busy on a rotating schedule of projects. 139 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:09,360 They offer catharsis. 140 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:16,100 They offer reflection, these projects that I do, especially the book, which I feel like 141 00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:22,700 is a good time ever to talk about this podcast and how this broadcast is brought to you by 142 00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:26,100 that's right. 143 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,340 This ad read right here. 144 00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:31,500 Hey, this is Michael LeBlanc, your guide through it's your loss podcast. 145 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:35,900 Before we delve back in, this is a reminder that my memoir, Dink, D&D in the coffin hold 146 00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:41,660 of the USS Enterprise is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble as a ebook and as a 147 00:10:41,660 --> 00:10:43,660 paperback on Amazon. 148 00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:48,140 It's a memoir from the ages of five to 23 and a journey through all the losses, triumph 149 00:10:48,140 --> 00:10:53,100 and magic that tabletop RPGs gave me to help me keep sane and to heal. 150 00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:59,060 Grab your copy because your support keeps this queth podcasting and exploring loss alive. 151 00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:08,140 Now let's get back to the story unfolding on it's your loss podcast. 152 00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:12,500 Okay, so maybe it's not really brought to you by the book, but when you have a podcast 153 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:16,420 and you don't have a lot of sponsors, you got to pretty much sponsor yourself. 154 00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:20,580 I hope you guys get a chance to read that because a lot of these things that I'm talking 155 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:26,380 about right now come out in that in such a magical way for me. 156 00:11:26,380 --> 00:11:31,660 I felt so much lighter when I finally finished it and I hit publish. 157 00:11:31,660 --> 00:11:35,620 There's a little bit of humor in there as well because I can't let go of that. 158 00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:40,700 And not only that, it helped me face some traumas in my life that I don't normally bring 159 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,100 up in everyday conversation. 160 00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:50,940 Things like abuse my mom's hands, a really bad car wreck that won't damaging my ex-wife 161 00:11:50,940 --> 00:11:52,740 way more than I got damaged. 162 00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:56,620 I got a scar on my finger and she got permanent knee damage. 163 00:11:56,620 --> 00:12:03,700 I can't sing the praises loud enough of therapy when it comes to handling this kind of thing 164 00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:09,340 and learning how to let go and learning what grief is and learning what guilt is and how 165 00:12:09,340 --> 00:12:12,700 also much they pay into each other. 166 00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:13,700 I don't know. 167 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:20,820 I'm really glad that I found the person that I have to walk me through that therapeutic 168 00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:21,820 process. 169 00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:29,860 I'm also really glad that I found the relationship that I am now after my first marriage failed. 170 00:12:29,860 --> 00:12:34,620 I learned a lot from that and I feel like that's one of the things that some people 171 00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:40,380 want to run away from is looking at the loss that they've had and trying to learn from 172 00:12:40,380 --> 00:12:45,100 it instead of running from the things that hurt when they think about the loss that they've 173 00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:47,140 had. 174 00:12:47,140 --> 00:12:53,180 There are friendships that I've made and camaraderie is that they have been constants 175 00:12:53,180 --> 00:13:00,380 in this journey and then there are also friendships that wound up becoming a marriage. 176 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:06,460 There's a friendship that wound up becoming a marriage during this journey. 177 00:13:06,460 --> 00:13:13,020 And some of these people who I feel that have been a huge part in my growing process, parts 178 00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:20,580 that I've offered catharsis and have made me a more cogent human being, I'm getting 179 00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:23,020 the chance to interview them on this podcast. 180 00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:26,720 So I'm hoping you're getting the chance to hear that as well. 181 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:32,100 One of them being Todd A. Davis who without him that before mentioned book wouldn't have 182 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,100 happened. 183 00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:40,780 So all together we're talking personal struggles, triumphs, sadness, loss, creativity, friendship, 184 00:13:40,780 --> 00:13:41,780 love. 185 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:44,500 All of this just gets woven together into this tapestry. 186 00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:47,300 I'm really glad I'm getting the chance to share it with you. 187 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:50,660 This is going to be a shorter episode because no one wants to hear me talk about 45 minutes 188 00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:55,940 about my life but I just wanted to give you a snapshot on why I'm doing what I'm doing. 189 00:13:55,940 --> 00:14:03,260 Other people need to get the chance to hear that there are normal ways to deal with grief. 190 00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:06,220 There are abnormal ways to deal with loss. 191 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,380 None of it should really be stigmatized. 192 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:16,020 Now some of it is less than healthy such as self-medication with harder drugs, self-harm. 193 00:14:16,020 --> 00:14:23,780 And if you are experiencing anything like that, I offer one the chance to talk to somebody 194 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:30,980 who will not judge you, who wants to listen, who wants to hear you as a human being who's 195 00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:32,300 going through some shit. 196 00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:37,540 And two, I highly suggest that if you don't want to talk to a random stranger, reach out 197 00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:38,540 to your family and friends. 198 00:14:38,540 --> 00:14:43,700 There's going to be a little voice inside of your head that tells you that, hey, I'm 199 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:48,020 not doing too good right now but I don't want to bother somebody with all of my problems. 200 00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:52,340 Believe me when I say that they would rather be bothered with your problems than be bothered 201 00:14:52,340 --> 00:14:59,300 to find out that you had done something so rash that maybe you decided to end your story 202 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:04,900 on your terms and then suddenly death becomes all about the living. 203 00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:06,800 Anxiety and depression will cast their shadow. 204 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:11,820 There are times where you feel like they're just going to swallow you up. 205 00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,900 Speak them out, get them out of your chest. 206 00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:20,340 They're so much smaller out in front of you in word form than they are in that unspoken 207 00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:28,260 cloud of acidity and anger and sadness that just tears away at your heart. 208 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,180 Talk with somebody, please. 209 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:34,740 Even if it's out to yourself, maybe in a mirror. 210 00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:37,260 But I think that's it for me today. 211 00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:41,340 I really, but I think that's it for me today. 212 00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:43,460 Remember loss isn't just about the individual. 213 00:15:43,460 --> 00:15:47,700 Sometimes it has to be a shared story and I'm really glad that these people who I'm talking 214 00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:50,900 with are willing to share their stories with you. 215 00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,980 Thank you for joining me on this personal journey. 216 00:15:52,980 --> 00:15:58,100 It's been a privilege to share these chapters with my life, these abridged moments. 217 00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:00,220 You're not alone. 218 00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:05,740 I'm your host, Michael LeBlanc, and if you happen to miss next month's episode, still, 219 00:16:05,740 --> 00:16:06,740 it's your loss. 220 00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:07,740 I'll talk to you later. 221 00:16:07,740 --> 00:16:20,260 Bye-bye.