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This episode contains sensitive content that may not be suitable for children or workplace
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This testimony includes mature themes, real life struggles, and discussions that may
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Welcome to the God's goodness podcast where our mission is to encourage and highlight God's
goodness and modern day miracles.
We're your hosts, Josh and Shelley Hankins.
Today we have back with us Teresa Hamilton.
You heard from her last week she has a little bit more that the Holy Spirit wanted her to
share with the world and we're going to give her that opportunity but first we'll have
her open us up with an opening prayer.
Thank you.
So we just come to you today and we ask that you again speak through my words and through
our words and through our conversation and let your Holy Spirit have your way in us today.
In Jesus' name, amen.
Amen.
Thank you.
So where would you like to start in this episode?
Yeah, so stand at the gates of hell and redirect traffic.
Let's talk about that.
That was really bold and incredibly naive.
So for those of you who didn't get to listen to last week's episode, we encourage you
to go back and listen to that but she is on the devil's most wanted list and she's
fighting for the good side and yeah, I'll elaborate more on that later.
Yeah, you say that and I've said that to somebody before like I said I'm kind of doing, I'm
not like a recognizant specialist because I've been behind them and enemy lines.
I know how they operate.
I know how they work and now I'm back on the, I was like a double agent for you know and
so it's been interesting but I think the reason why I said that I needed two episodes is that
if we left it at, I want to stand at the gates of hell and redirect traffic.
Great story.
Kind of sounds like a fairy tale though.
You know, happy ending.
Woohoo, we're done.
You know, no more struggle, no more strife.
Once I said yes to Christ, there was a big sea that came on my chest that was like a
superhero.
Super Christian.
Nothing ever went wrong.
You could no longer sin and you were perfect.
Exactly.
Made perfect in that moment.
And I feel like too often we focused on too much on the BC era and not enough on the AC
era, after Christ era of our lives and really how the struggle and stuff works for his glory
in that second season of your life as well.
So what I didn't realize is that to stand at the gates of hell and redirect traffic,
you have to first be through the refiner's fire until you surrender and allow him to
refine you.
You can't be effective in redirecting traffic at the gates of hell.
You just can't.
Yeah, if you test something then you can be assured that it's going to work.
It's going to do what it was intended to do.
Right.
Also, a little caveat, the refiner's fire is a consistent work.
It's not something like one and done thing.
It's constant.
It's a constant process that I'm still going through today.
Yeah, God's always looking on us.
That old song is always working on me.
I don't know the words.
It was a kid's VBS song, I can't remember the rest of it, it just came to my brain.
My brain thinks in songs.
Awesome.
So, kind of a process and before we get into the deep spiritual things, people might be
listening from the last episode and they might be concerned about the cat.
Did you pray over the cat?
No, I did not.
And unfortunately, kind of ironically, about a month or so after I left that lifestyle,
the cat passed away of a seizure.
Wow.
God took care of it.
And I was obviously sad about it.
I was in the cat for sure.
But God was like no ties.
Yeah, it was that.
And I was reminded by a friend about David and Bathsheba and when they repented and came
to Christ, there was still, I guess, came to God, not Christ, but came to God.
There was, they had to lose their first son.
There were still consequences.
There were still a consequence to the sin and there was a sacrifice that he made.
And so I felt like that was kind of, I don't want to compare my cat to a human child.
You know, those things don't equate to each other as much as you love your cat.
Like it's your own child or your dog.
Sure, sure.
You still care about it.
There are definitely distinct differences between the two.
Oh, what is their differences?
So obviously after all this stuff happened, I really needed to take some time and really
get closer to God.
I kind of dated God for at least a year and I really did a lot of work to reclaim my identity
and wrestle with, you know, dealing with my sexuality and stuff.
And one of my favorite verses when it comes to dealing with homosexuality is one that's
commonly used to point the finger, but they misinterpret and misuse that scripture.
And so I'd like to share that with everybody.
It's 1 Corinthians 6, 9 through 11 says, Or do you not know that the unrighteous will
not inherit the kingdom of God?
Do not be deceived.
Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who practice homosexuality
nor thieves nor greedy nor drunkards or revelers or swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
People like to stop there.
But if we keep going, it says, And such were some of you, but you were washed, you were
sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ by the spirit of
our God.
And without getting into a very long theology, terminology lesson, if you look into the Greek
and Hebrew of those words, we're all included in that list.
Like there's not a single one of us who could look at that list of those sins that they
explain there and say we never did that.
Because,
Right, for a while there were still sinners.
Revolers, I forget if it's revelers or slendlers, but there is one of those words that means
breaking someone's confidence.
So breaking trust.
And if we can honestly say that we've never broken somebody else's trust before or lied,
somebody, you're lying now.
Right.
So like, or any kind of sexuality.
I have a message that I share about this is called leveling the playing field because
like, let's let's level, you know, God doesn't look at sin in levels, like, or on a spectrum
or on a spectrum.
He sees it flat.
It's a black or white, black or white.
As soon as the sin is a sin, you know, you steal a paperclip or you kill somebody.
It's just, you're a fee for murder, it means the same to me.
Right.
You were homosexual or you gossip, like same boat.
And one of the common mistakes that I see a lot in people who are trying to minister
to someone who is either in or coming out of homosexuality is that when they get saved,
the immediate goal is to straighten us when really sanctification and spiritual growth
should be the goal because if as they get closer to Christ, God is going to refine the
things in them that need refining and he's going to remove the things that need removing.
And sometimes they have a laundry list of issues.
Most of the times we all have a laundry list of issues to deal with.
And sometimes the one that looks like it's the most prominent like homo homosexuality
is like number 143 on their list.
Like things that don't, that yes, God's going to deal with it at his time.
So like, so he prioritizes things a little differently than we exactly.
And so his goal is to connect your heart with his heart.
Right.
And you say yes to him.
He's like, great, this is how we need to do it.
And it's not up to me.
It's not up to Joe or Tom or Nancy to decide for what God is going to prioritize in your
life.
Right.
It's not up to us.
So it's not up to greatly.
Like, I don't know what he's going to do.
It's not, it's we were talking before and I had mentioned that people like to condemn
homosexuality is the worst, right?
God says it's abhorrent.
But again, if a sin is a sin, that means all sins are abhorrent to God.
I think it's intellectually dishonest for a Christian to pretend that one is worse than
another.
When we know better and it just ostracizes a person from thinking that he can come or
or she can come to the God.
And I think that is a great disservice.
Yeah.
And I feel like if we're gonna like put sin on like a spectrum,
I would argue that gossip is worse in a sense
because I've seen gossip tear apart churches.
I've seen gossip tear apart and destroy someone's ministry.
Like I've seen it disintegrate churches and people
and I've not seen that necessarily with other sins.
But again, God doesn't see it that way.
He's a sin as a sin.
And well, and he also mentions that sexual morality
is the only sin that sins against the body.
Right.
All the other sins sins against other people.
But also sexual immorality, heterosexual or homosexual.
Right, yeah, yeah.
If I'm looking at lust full images as a heterosexual man,
that's sexual morality.
If I'm watching pornography, sexual morality.
Yeah.
If you're stepping out of your marriage,
premarital sex, any of that.
Yeah, yeah.
So they're the exact same to God.
One sexual immorality is exactly the same to another.
And so here we are being horrible Christians
living our sexual immorality
and saying somebody else's is worse.
Right.
Oh, I hate that.
Yeah.
And my thing also, like I've said,
the playing field is level at the cross.
Like we're all equal there.
Like neither of us are lesser or greater.
God is fair.
Yes.
He's merciful and just.
So for me, my journey out of homosexuality
led me to heterosexual, a heterosexual marriage.
But I have friends and some people
that I follow on social media who are living
with the fact that they still have that attraction.
And they don't have attraction to the opposite sex.
So they've been called to live a life of celibacy.
And it's very hard.
And it's not easy.
And that's what I think too, like the church sometimes
over glorifies marriage and doesn't correctly
honor the idea of singleness.
Because there are some people who are called to singleness.
And Paul talks about it.
And sometimes, and actually he says,
singleness is really kind of better in a sense.
But if you can't, then you should get married.
Like if you can't live a life singleness,
then you should get married.
Like that's what he basically says.
Well, I can't help it.
Go ahead and get married.
Right.
And it's also why I kind of, the word respect
might be the wrong word to use.
But I understand the hesitancy and respect
that hesitancy from someone who's coming out of the LGBTQ
community and coming into Christ.
Because I understand what it costs.
You know, you're talking about surrounding
your identity, your sexuality, your sense of community.
Because say what you want, that community is really strong.
Like there's a very close knit friendships
that you develop with people in that community and stuff.
And like they stick together and everything.
And so to lose that, you know, and I would argue
that the church really needs to do a better job of establishing
community, especially for the people that are coming out
of homosexuality.
Because like they're losing their sense of community.
They're losing their sense of identity.
I mean, they're gaining it.
They're gaining the right identity.
You know, they're gaining this better sense of things.
But it is still a loss for them and it costs them something.
And I really, truly respect their hesitancy.
But I do say that if you are on the fence, if you are hesitant,
just come over here.
Like just come over to the cross, man.
It's work, but it's so much better.
And it's, and God will work in ways
that you just don't even fathom.
And it's a better life.
If it's good, it isn't easy.
Yeah, exactly.
So one of the things that I mentioned before
was that I was always very musical.
And I was involved in ministry and music and stuff.
And I was a teenager and everything.
But because of all the stuff I just did and everything,
I wasn't really sure how quickly God was going to restore things
like to me.
So one of the first things he restored to me
was actually that music, the love of music,
and then also giving me an opportunity to minister in that way.
And I went to this big revival service and stuff.
And one of the speakers said something about God's
restoring dormant seeds.
And I'm like, OK.
And then the next day, I get a call from my friend.
And my friend's like, hey, so I know this guy and this family
that are doing this, having this band, and they need singers.
Would you be interested?
And I'm just like, well, heck yeah.
Like, OK, dormant seeds, let's go.
And so I went and we further time ministered together.
And that's where I met Anthony, or Sonny, as he calls himself.
And everybody calls him Sonny Anthony.
He didn't tell us.
So we met Anthony Sonny.
Anthony Brown.
Yeah.
Check out his episode.
My son, my son calls him Uncle Honey.
Or Uncle Sonny now.
Now he says it right, but it was cute when he was saying
Uncle Honey.
It was really cute.
I don't know if Anthony appreciated it.
I know, I want to call him.
Podcasts, Glenn.
Yeah.
You're welcome.
So I was in that ministry.
And then finding a man was not on my radar at all.
Even though I did feel like God was going to eventually,
but it was somewhere off way in the future.
When I was 25, 30, not 22, I'd just come at.
It was like a year and a half or so out of this stuff.
And I'm like, it's just too soon.
So I was not interested.
But my Nana, Nana's puppy and Nana's,
there was this pastor that came in as a new pastor right
across the street from our family hardware store.
So he had come right out of the hardware store.
Like she'd met him at the hardware store,
because obviously the hardware store,
I like to call a family owned, small town hardware store,
is very much the men's version of the bar, the salon.
It's where they go to congregate and to talk.
And I said they did on Home Improvement back in the day.
It's very much what happens in my husband's.
And when you get really old, you go to McDonald's
and have breakfast for like three hours.
Yeah, yep.
I worked at McDonald's.
I remember the regular, the old, we call it the old head group
over there, just over there every day.
How you can eat that all three days beyond me.
But that's OK.
Anyways, so she met him at the hardware store.
And she's like, hey, he's single.
Let me explain.
Let me hook you up with my granddaughter.
Now, my Nana, me and my Nana, and the and very proud of me
and all this stuff.
Let off the story about me, telling him about me
with my epilepsy and everything.
And now he had had experience with special needs.
And so he was looking at my grandma like you're nuts,
because she's expecting me to be in a helmet and drooling.
Or somebody with clear deficits, clear struggles,
like mentally after that.
And so he's like, I don't know about that.
But we'll see.
Like whatever, just kind of trying to placate her.
And me, I looked at it.
She gave me, sent me this picture.
And she had a flip phone at the time,
which she should have had a smartphone by this point.
But it was the flip phone at the time.
So she took a really grainy, bad picture of him
and was like, he's kind of cute.
And then I was like, how old is he?
And she goes, he's 37.
And I'm like, yeah, I'm 22.
Like this is, I don't know.
But then she kept being persistent.
And so I messaged him on Facebook.
Actually, I'm not sure which one of us.
I think I was the one to message first,
because he didn't want to because he felt.
Because you thought you were special.
Uh-huh, exactly.
And so I messaged him and stuff.
And basically, we agreed to go on our first date simply
to shut my Nana up, because she just kept prodding.
And we're like, if we just go on one date,
then maybe she'll just be quiet.
We can move on with her life.
Like a parent or a persistent woman.
Tell the judge, caved.
So I was so hesitant about this that I had planned our first
date somewhere that was within running distance to my house.
So if it went south, I could just bolt.
You know, just flee.
On foot.
She planned this.
She planned to escape on foot.
Yes, I had my escape route planned.
And I planned to go around the block,
so I didn't know where I lived.
That's pretty bad.
I had to continue asking to take you back home.
All right.
Like it was like.
She wanted through the woods in West Virginia.
Boom expectations.
Well, it was weird.
And so it was the city.
So it was OK.
But I had the plan in my head.
And I even thought about it because I looked,
like, watch to hit.
Because it had glass door windows,
so you could see into the building.
And he was already there.
I'm just like, I don't know.
I don't know about this, but we'll do it.
And so we get in there, and then we get to talking.
And people talk about love at first sight.
I like to say love at first talk,
because it was like once we really started talking,
we realized God's doing something here.
And it was so, we closed the restaurant down.
And him being a pastor, we didn't
want to do anything that could compromise witness
or anything.
But we wanted to talk still.
So we ended up wandering around Walmart until midnight.
Wandering around Walmart and talking,
and just sharing our whole life.
Like, just everything out there, right in the first date,
like, all of it.
And so we started dating in November.
And on February 9th, so ironically,
as we're recording this, it's the day before 12 years ago.
It's like yesterday, tomorrow.
12 years ago, tomorrow.
He asked me to marry him.
So it was very quick courtship.
We know you know.
It was like the third date that I was just like, this is it.
It just like, this is right.
So you went from experimenting with homosexuality
to being flat out bisexual, to living with a woman,
to foregoing all that, exercising of demonic holds
in your life, and letting God let loose,
and literally finding attraction in a man you weren't even
looking for a man.
And boom, there you are.
And not just any man, but a man who's
in the Word of God for a living.
Right.
Yeah.
And so obviously, that was a lot of our discussions
like during our courtship.
Like people talk about like all this romantic lovey-dovey stuff
you do on courtship.
Ours was not.
I mean, granted, we were in love.
So we're lovey-dovey.
But it was very much like, OK, how is this going to work?
What it was like, and I really was
praying about it before he proposed.
We were talking about like, I expressed
that God had been calling me in ministry my whole life.
So it fits.
But it's just like, God really threw a curveball there
being pastor's wife.
I was like, that's not what I saw on the radar.
I thought missions, trips.
I thought evangelism.
I thought doing my own thing, throwing
a curveball of pastor's wife was not exactly what I expected
it to be at all.
Hold on.
I don't remember signing up for that part.
Right.
There it was.
Where's the fine print right there?
It's interesting because we were engaged to February.
And we got married June 15th of that year.
So we knew each other less than a year
before we even got married.
So that was maybe in hindsight a little naive.
But we made a point.
We can't call God's plans naive.
But we can only go right.
And it was just like, OK.
We understand that.
You're just the one not accustomed to this.
I will say this.
If you are somebody who's newly engaged,
I recommend waiting at least a year
because planning a wedding in four months, not recommended.
It was very, very stressful.
I recommend you a lope.
Oh, we should get to that.
A lope, save your money.
Just do that.
Just go to Justice of the Peace, get married.
Then go to your honeymoon.
Yep.
Come back and tell everybody you're married.
Yep.
And save the money for buying a house or something practical.
Also, the engagement ring.
Don't, don't, don't just don't spend that much money on it.
Like make it affordable or make it nice and stuff.
But like I told him absolutely not,
especially on a pastor's salary, like I was like,
that sucker better.
First of all, I'm prone to losing things.
So please do not spend over $100 on this.
Because like, and that and also knowing
that he made like $1,000 a month, I'm like, you better not.
Like, you better not spend a ton of.
You gotta sell a kidney to pay for this.
Right.
Like my engagement ring was like a $50 set from like Amazon.
Like, and I loved it and everything.
It's just as simple.
Yeah, no.
I was like, and I was like, but if you want to spend a couple
hundred dollars on me, buy me a new like washing machine or something.
Like I'm just saying.
Something practical that I can't do.
Something practical.
Like, yeah, give me a new vacuum cleaner, like a great vacuum cleaner or something.
Like don't spend money on that kind of thing.
You know, that I'm going to very likely lose.
Which you're not wearing yet?
That's because she lost it.
No, I do know where it's at.
Where several of my sets over the years are.
But I have very sensitive skin and like I've tried every single thing under
the sun and it just irritates me.
Everything like I'm considering it since we're 12 years in.
I feel like it's a safe zone.
Maybe.
Yeah, you're both in the word.
He's a pastor.
I think it's actually this.
This is getting to this part of the story.
We're actually not in ministry currently.
So a year in a year into our marriage, we miscarried our first child at five
weeks.
Sorry to hear that.
And my name is Tim Jordan Skye.
You know, and it's funny because like on our honeymoon, we like just knew like God's
going to give us a kid.
So one of the things we bought was this little Cocoa Beach bonnet like the
little sun hat, you know, like so our kid can wear it someday.
Like say, hey, we believe that you were coming like way back then.
And so.
We planted the fields.
We were just waiting for the rain.
Right.
So we had our first marriage miscarriage at five weeks.
And I would say that while that was devastating, it was it was almost like one
of those we had just figured out that it was even a thing.
And then it was gone.
Like so it wasn't.
We didn't really have enough time to wrap our minds around what we were losing.
So I don't want to like say it was easier, but it was, especially now looking
in hindsight of what we've all experienced.
It was definitely like the easiest of our losses.
The guest before you had a similar experience.
Yeah.
With the short and the long.
Yeah.
So then we get to 2016, which I am my husband politely called a year of hell
because it was just one thing after another after another.
It started out good because I was pregnant again.
But on April 1st of 2016, I was 13 weeks along, measuring at seven weeks or so.
And like at seven weeks, we went to the doctors and they were telling us that the
pregnancy is unviable, unviable with life, you know, and try to push a DNC on me to eliminate
it.
And I was just like, no.
And the reason I said no instantly wasn't because I was like, well, maybe God can do
it.
But I'm great at that moment.
A friend of mine had had an experience where the pregnancy was unviable and then she carried
a term.
So I was like, no, I know that he.
He can do it.
And so just in case.
But what I didn't realize is that for seven weeks after that, I would be a walking tomb.
And something they don't talk about is how after a certain point in miscarriage, it can
be like labor and that can start at anywhere from seven weeks on up.
As your body is trying to naturally dispose of it.
Yeah.
And so what I actually ended up having is I ended up going into labor and I delivered
our baby on the toilet and I sat there crying as my husband fished her out.
Because we just felt like, like I was like, I can't just flush hit.
Yeah.
Correct.
I would feel the same.
You know, I can't.
I can't just.
No.
And so he did that for me and we were grateful that unfortunately we had a really close
relationship with the local funeral home because of being in the ministry.
And so at no cost to us, they were able to cremate her for us.
And her name is Leah Song.
So that was April that we dealt with all of that.
And then in June, my husband is at work and messages me, I'm getting going to go to the
ER because I think I'm having a heart attack.
And so he does have a heart attack, not a like arrest type heart attack.
He has non STEM EMI's, which are kind of worse because I mean, he's had now looking back,
I think we're at seven or six MIs.
And ironically and kind of weirdly, they always happen in June, like right around our
anniversary.
And I'm just like, that would be a really crappy thing for you to do to me is to die
like right before or after right during like our anniversary or anytime really, anytime
really, but like really to pick that time of all times, like really like knock it off.
Okay.
So in June, he has a heart attack almost dies on me.
And then I'm like looking back and hindsight, I'm like, well, kind of, I kind of thank
God for the miscarriage because it was like, if I didn't miscarry then I definitely probably
would have in June because the stress of just, you know, dealing with a husband.
And I joked as like, you know, people say you're worked, we're too old for this kind
of thing.
Well, I was like, I'm too young for this, like I'm about 25, 20, I'm 26, 25, 26 here.
Wow.
Like, and dealing with something that should arguably be something older people deal with
like, I mean, you didn't marry an older guy.
Yeah, but I knew like, I wasn't naive in that sense that I knew like him being so much older
than me that we were going to have like he was going to get sicker faster than I do.
Like, and like our things weren't going to necessarily sync up.
Like they do.
Yeah, there was quite the age.
Yeah.
And it definitely comes out when he starts talking about pop culture stuff.
I'm just like, uh, who, so how old is he?
He's, he'll be 50 in September.
Oh, my age.
50.
And then I'll be 35 in September.
So, so here I am, 25, 26, it's June.
So it was 25 dealing with a husband who could be dying and stuff.
And I'm just incredibly alone.
And I got a little bitter because like we were part of this dumb nomination and not
a single person like from the denomination or anybody like from ministry reached out to
us at all, like to support me or anything.
The only people that did was some of my family members and like I was incredibly alone.
A couple of the church members of our church definitely stepped up and kind of definitely
took care of us and stuff.
But like it was just like, it was a really a big season of bitterness for me, especially
with the loss of the baby and everything.
Like I was just extremely grief stricken and extremely bitter and angry, but also trying
to still lead in ministry and recognizing like that I'm leading on empty, you know,
completely.
And so I was like, well, you know, maybe we should go to this Bible study from another
church to just kind of get fed ourselves from a way that's away from our congregation
and stuff.
And like, we do that and he's like, yeah, well, yeah, you can't pour from an empty cup.
Right.
And so and I, and I still went in there completely going through the motions like completely,
it's kind of like that to life again, the double life.
Yeah.
Kind of like, okay, I'm doing this out of obedience, but I don't feel it.
Like there's no in your heart.
There's no feeling here.
I don't want just going through the motions.
Yeah.
I don't want the feelings.
I just, I'm just going to go and be faithful and go through the motions and see what happens
and lo and behold, the topic of discussion that night was the story of Hannah.
And I got so angry when I picked up that like they had like a page that gives you like the
outline of the discussion.
Can you remind listeners if they don't already know about the story of Hannah?
So Hannah was somebody who was much older and had been there and for a very long time
and got, she prayed and God gave her Samuel.
She's the mother of Samuel.
Right?
Pretty sure it's Samuel.
Fact check me on that one because I'm not sure, but she was struggling with a season
of, a long season of barrenness and then she prayed and God gave her a child.
And so I was a little bitter there because I'm very angry.
Yeah.
I'm like, I finally go to Bible study and this is what we're going to talk about.
Like really?
You didn't see it as a sign like maybe that could be for you.
Right.
No, there was no, this is for me thing.
It was like, it felt like a slap in the face.
I was angry and so like I'm sitting there, my blood's boiling and I don't, I'm, my blood
is boiling to the point that I can't even hear what the pastors like.
I'm just, you're not completely in anger.
And then the Lord speaks to me and he says, my promises to you have not changed.
Your circumstances now do not change my promise of children.
I will provide fruit from your womb to Claire's Lord.
Now I heard that I received it.
I didn't feel it and I didn't really, I was like, okay, how could you though?
And so I pray, I wrote it down faithfully, right?
And then in 2017, we found out we were pregnant with my son and I looked back and I saw that
when we conceived, my son was about a year to the day that I received that promise.
And so my son's name is Josiah Bryce and that means a God who heals swiftly.
And then in 2018, once we had my son, my husband's health declined more and he had a couple other
heart attacks and stuff and we realized that just ministry full time was not going to work
anymore.
And he actually had a mental breakdown shortly after that too that we just were like, we need
to clean break from this ministry.
And so we left that church until the end of 2018.
And my husband continued to have multiple heart attacks.
And then in June of 2021, we basically learned that the left side of his heart was essentially
dead.
And in the earthquake, there was no very little to no blood flow going to it.
His LAD, which is they call the widowmaker was 100% blocked.
And it also had like an aneurysm around that blockage, you know, and so things were very
not good.
It's just a miracle that he's living at this point.
So in 2021, we went to a specialist up in Youngstown.
We went to the specialist cardiologist because they had done a heart cath and they realized
that they couldn't do anything, but they might the specialist might be able to do something.
And so I went to this at that time, I was practicing some head covering just because
I felt like that was something that God really was leading me to do for a time during prayer
or all the time it started at prayer.
And then it kind of developed into all the time just because I felt like we weren't just
in this season of spiritual warfare and struggle that I just really felt like that was something
I needed to do at the time.
And so we get to this meeting and stuff or this this doctor's appointment with a heart
cath orization.
And I'm praying in the in the waiting room with my head covering.
I mean, I'm sure some people in that waiting room probably thought I was nuts or extremely
charismatic at least because I had like the Jewish prayer show like over me praying in
the prayer room.
And during that time, God just I thought people were judging me and I didn't really care because
I'm just like, I'm praying.
I don't care.
I'm at war.
I'm going at war.
This means war.
You know, just, you know, I think recently then I had just watched like war room.
So I was just really fired up about, you know, so I expected like the people around me to
just kind of give me space and stuff.
But then all of a sudden it's like that waiting room turned into an upper room and we just
like they came up and we're like pray.
I saw them praying and stuff and like we just kind of turned that it was just an upper room
in that moment.
Literally.
Oh no.
Right.
So when I'm praying and God reveals to me this vision of like, it's like I saw the vessels
of his heart opening up.
Like I just saw it and I'm just like, okay, this is like, I had this complete piece about
the situation.
And so when the doctor comes out and tells me like they were able to restore some function,
you know, and he's like, you know, so we were able to do it.
And I was like, no, God did it.
And the guy just kind of looked like, you know, because he's an arrogant doctor, you
know, like, give credit to God or not.
He's still going to do it.
And what was interesting is like during that upper room moment, we had not a single person
that was waiting with me received bad news from their loved one.
Like all of the surgeries that day.
Everyone got covered.
Blessing covered everybody.
It was so incredible.
They were focused on the one who can solve the problems, but you know, focus on growth.
My husband's is still disabled.
Like he's, you know, he just got, we just after six years of fighting got his disability.
But something that is recently been a change in both of our hearts working on it is the
fact that I told him told him just a few weeks ago.
Like I said, you know, I was reminded about the story about King Hezekiah who prayed and
God extended, he was, he was on his deathbed essentially.
And he prayed and God extended his life for 15 years.
And I reminded my husband of that story is like, you know, God extends our life for a
reason.
Like when he extends our life, he's doing it for a reason.
He's not going to extend somebody's life who doesn't have a purpose.
I was like, so you might be disabled.
Like I've, I've my notes, I said, disability does not negate healing.
Like God definitely healed him.
God is definitely extending his life and doing work in his life.
And I was like, and that's what I've seen with his life is that he's not done with
him.
He can make that heart new anytime.
Yeah.
But he might not too.
Like he might, it might just be where it's at, you know, what's, but it's really cool.
What's really cool.
And I love when, when science and faith meet.
It's just really cool to me, but that able to open up not his LAD, but some of the other
function of that left side of his heart.
And his heart did this weird thing.
It created these collateral vessels and it's like using these collateral like vessels to
keep his heart functioning.
Like it's not, he's not functioning like his like ejection fractions, like 35% or 30%.
Like he's still not fully like definitely not running any marathon.
Running any there.
In fact, most of the time he has to be very careful about any kind of physical exertion
that he does because it just takes everything out of him.
Like even just taking a shower, going to church takes a lot out of him or just taking my son
to the bus stop.
Sometimes, you know, just, it's really hard for on him, but like that collateral is working.
And I'm like, and even the doctors are just like, I don't understand how like you're standing
here still.
Like they'll get it one day.
Yeah.
In this life or the next, I'll get it.
So and the, and another thing, I guess a ongoing theme of my life, I didn't realize it really
until like writing this out has been healing.
Like that God has been my healer and proven that just not just through my life, but the
lives of people around me so many times like undeniably, like he heals, he restores, he
redeems like, and only the way he can.
Right.
And one of the things for me that recently, when I was 31, he gave me a diagnosis and that's
why I've said that diagnosis can be a way of healing.
Because if you understand yourself or you understand why something is the way it is,
that in itself is a healing because it's, it's an understanding.
You know, one of the things I've always struggled with is organization.
I can't for the life of me be organized.
I can't for the life of me, like remember to do basic tasks.
Like it just seemed like everything that people said was like automatic to them was not automatic
for me.
Like it's work.
It was always work.
It was always a struggle and everything.
And I felt like I was broken.
Like there was something wrong with me and I couldn't focus and I couldn't do anything.
And thank you.
There's this little app that I downloaded just to get along with some of my younger
coworkers at the time.
And I downloaded this app, TikTok and that algorithm, man, that, that hit me real quick.
And I was like, hmm, then my son was having some struggles and in preschool and stuff.
And so they recommended that I maybe get him evaluated for ADHD.
And as I'm filling out that paperwork, I'm just like, that's me.
That's me.
Huh?
Yep.
That's me.
I think I have ADHD.
If he has it then that means I have it.
And so before even getting him formally diagnosed, I went to a counselor, a psychologist that
was a Christian.
I made sure that I was from a Christian counselor and stuff.
And when I finally got my diagnosis, that was eye opening for me.
And when I left that office, God spoke to me.
He's like, now you see.
Now you see you're not broken.
Now you see yourself for who I've seen you all along.
And I was just set free of all that guilt, that shame that.
Yeah.
And you finally saw that he doesn't blame you.
Right.
It was not your fault.
Yes.
Like all this up and down, even like with my faith journey, you can see that I was, it
was very much up, down, up, down, up, down, hot, cold, hot, cold.
Like all of it just made sense now.
And I was excited about it because finally all of this makes sense.
But then I'm trying, one of the biggest things that problems for me was Bible study.
Trying to get, do devotions is really, really hard for me.
And I went online and I was like, is there like devotionals for ADHD people?
Like is there anything out there?
And all I saw was stuff that was like anti ADHD, like how you can pray it away and stuff
and all this stuff.
And like, I'm just like, wait a minute, I'm not praying something away that God has given
me.
Like this is something I feel like he has made my brain work differently for a beautiful
reason.
And so I was like, well, if there's not a devotional for it, I'll write it.
And so that's what I did and I did write where to leave my Bible.
It's a 30 day Bible guide for the easily distracted.
I got it for Josh.
And how far did you get through that?
I mean, I started it.
It's on the challenge.
It's literally on my dresser.
How very ADHD of you.
I think in the first page, I say something about.
It's not even a very thick book and yet it's so intimidating.
And like one of the things I say is like, like I'm getting cold sweats.
I even said in there in my info intro, it's funny that I say something like, oh, this
might end up on your shelf with the rest of your Bible studies instead of you doing finishing
it, but it's okay.
I'm going to trust that the Holy Spirit will meet you to finish it whenever you know,
boom, you're ready.
It's there for you.
So it'll take you like 17 years to get through that little book.
We will put a link to that in the show notes.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
And like that was one of the things that Josh was kind of hoping for it was like he wanted
to do more Bible study, but it's like, it's a lot of work.
I think my biggest thing with what I get through that is like being consistent, but also giving
yourself room for having variety and having it not look the same every day, like, or even
every month, things you want to fast.
Like, yeah, I can't like when I do Bible studies and stuff, I, if it says it's going
to take more than seven days on like my Bible app, I'm just like, yeah, I'm not going to
be able to stick with that.
But we'll try.
We'll see.
You know, I think the only time I've been able to do Bible studies that are longer is
when I'm doing it with like a group of people who are keeping me accountable.
And even then, I'll admit that even the one that I'm currently in, I have not read.
Skip the homework.
I've skipped most of the homework.
But you go for fellowship.
So that's important too.
And I get it.
God will get you what you need.
And then it's like, I'll get to the reading when I get to it.
Yeah.
Or I won't.
It's okay.
Like, God will be there.
God will be there.
He knows you.
Right.
He does.
It's like that one meme, I know you, and I know you know that I know you and what, was
it Zoolander or something, whatever it is.
I don't even know what those were.
It was just a meme.
Anyway, wow.
We covered a lot.
No wonder we needed two episodes.
So thank you so much for sharing all of that.
I hope it blessed somebody because, you know, as long as it blessed somebody, it was worth
it.
I know it did.
You know.
Thanks for tuning in to today's episode.
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