1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:12,000 Welcome to the God's goodness podcast where our mission is to encourage and highlight 2 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:17,320 God's goodness and modern day miracles. We are your hosts, Josh and Shelley Hankins. 3 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,640 Today we have with us a special guest. We know her through Patty and Joe Barnaby. They were 4 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:27,680 on the podcast earlier talking about Club 316. I suggest you check it out. It's in our 5 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:32,720 top five. And with us today we have Shelley Phillips and we're talking about something that 6 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:37,840 not a lot of churches talk about, but God thought we were ready for this topic. And so he brought 7 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:42,960 her in our life and we ask that you listen with an open mind and we're here to give God the glory 8 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:49,040 and know that he can change everything. And with that we'll ask Shelley to open us up with an opening 9 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:55,040 prayer. Thank you. Father, we come before you today and ask that the words that are spoken here today 10 00:00:55,040 --> 00:01:00,240 are yours and not mine. And that those who need to hear this message and hear that you are still a 11 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,560 God that delivers people, you still want to call people into your kingdom, you still want to set 12 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:10,560 people free. And not just with salvation, but anything that they are under father currently 13 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:15,680 that's a stronghold in their lives that it be removed from their lives that you want to do that for 14 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:20,880 them. And we ask that this play a role in that and what however you see fit. And we ask that in 15 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:27,280 Jesus name. Amen. Amen. So where would you like to start? I guess I'll start at the beginning. 16 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:35,680 So my testimony goes back about 50 years. I was very young when everything began. I was 17 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:45,040 five when my mom was saved. And prior to that, my mom was into witchcraft very heavily. I mean to 18 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:50,000 the point where she's told me stories about like walking through the house having a Ouija board on 19 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:55,840 the coffee table asking it a questioning it moving. So there was a really real deep 20 00:01:55,840 --> 00:02:00,640 embediment in her life at that point, but she was searching. She grew up in a Catholic home 21 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:05,040 who was searching for something. And in the midst of that searching when I was five, she became a 22 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:11,280 Christian. But I believe that her being involved in that opened a door like the enemy needs a door 23 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:15,280 to kind of get a stronghold in our lives. And whether it's a generational curse, it's something 24 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:20,160 that's happened before and you're kind of born into it or something that's exposed through a parent 25 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:25,120 or whoever in your life or something that can happen to you in your life can open a door for 26 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:31,360 him to get a stronghold. But I think for me that's where it started. I remember when I was about four, 27 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:37,440 I was put down for a nap and I was in my room and all of a sudden I wasn't alone in the room. 28 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:42,160 There was something in there with me. And I remember it. When I told story years later, 29 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:49,040 my mom says that she remembers me telling me telling her when I woke up about this incident. 30 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:53,920 And this thing was in there and it wasn't it wasn't really scary. It was like this little kind of 31 00:02:53,920 --> 00:03:00,480 annoyed looking thing. It was just hopping around the room and laughing at me and hopping on my bed. 32 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:07,360 And I remember distinctly it's saying to me, you're mine and I'm never letting you go. 33 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:16,560 Oh, wild. And that's why I think that this stronghold goes back to that point. Because like I said, 34 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:21,760 when I was five, my parents got saved. So I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church and my 35 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:27,520 parents were really involved in it. We went on Sundays, Sunday nights, on Wednesdays. If there 36 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:31,840 were plays and what like my parents, my mom would begin to play. So we were really heavily involved 37 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:39,040 in the church. And so I grew up in that. And I learned through that what the Bible had to say 38 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:45,200 about life, about how to live life. And I didn't think anything of it until I kind of hit puberty. 39 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:51,360 And it was early on. I had puberty pretty early. It was about 11 years old. But it wasn't always 40 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:58,400 about 14 that when I had friends that were kind of interested in boys and the boys were interested 41 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:05,120 in girls. And that I, you know, I, at that point, I was like, well, I had some confusion about who 42 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:09,280 I was interested in, but I wasn't really ready to date. Like I kind of felt in my mind like we're 43 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:13,200 too young. I mean, even even at 14, I was like, I like being a kid. I want to be a kid for a little 44 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:18,240 while. So it wasn't really anything that I thought too much about. And kind of fast forward to when 45 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:24,080 I was 16, I started to feel like I wanted to date my friends were dating. I wanted to also date. 46 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:29,120 The issue for me was that I wasn't attracted to boys. I was attracted to girls. And I didn't 47 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:34,720 know how to reconcile that. I knew what the Bible said. I knew how that the attraction was against 48 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:41,600 the word of God. And I didn't know what to do with it. I was close to my mom and dad and I still 49 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:46,160 am, but I didn't feel like there was anyone that I could talk to. I felt like if I had brought the 50 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:50,800 subject up and said, you know, Hey, this is how I'm feeling. This is the attraction I have that I 51 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,160 would have been told, you know, it's against the Bible and you should feel that way. And I already 52 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:58,720 knew that I didn't need somebody to tell me that I needed somebody help to help me not feel that way, 53 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:04,560 not have that attraction. How do I get rid of this? So I learned to kind of internalize what I 54 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:11,520 was going through internalize how I was feeling and kind of pretend that it wasn't there. So 55 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,840 pushing that down and pushing that down and decided, well, I'm just not going to date my friends 56 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:20,880 are dating. I had friends that I would hang out with. I kind of hung out with my brother. But when 57 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:25,920 I was 19, everything kind of kept came ahead to me. I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling. 58 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:32,480 I kept suppressing everything. I was miserable because we want to be in relationships as human 59 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:37,440 beings, right? We want somebody to share our lives with. And I felt like I couldn't have that because 60 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:44,160 I couldn't have couldn't follow how I felt because I felt it was a sin. But I didn't also want to 61 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:50,960 want to date a male because it wasn't that wasn't my attraction. So when I was 19 and that reached 62 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:56,160 ahead, I was living with some friends and they all went out one night. So I was left in the 63 00:05:56,160 --> 00:06:01,600 apartment by myself. And it was at that point that I thought I just need this whole thing over with. 64 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:07,440 So I cleaned out the entire medicine cabinet. I don't honestly recall how many bottles it was, 65 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:11,200 but I dumped everything on the coffee table and I just took everything that was there. 66 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:21,440 And immediately after I finished consuming the last bit of those pills, the phone rang. And back 67 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:25,520 then we didn't have cell phones. It was still landline. So the phone rang and I could have been 68 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:30,080 for anybody in the house and I don't even know except I know now that it was the Lord like 69 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:34,480 why I would have answered the phone. But I answered the phone and it was my 17 year old brother and 70 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:41,120 he said to me and this gets very emotional for me. He said, I felt like something's wrong and 71 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:48,000 they did call you. We were close then and we're still close now, but it's not something a 17 year 72 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:52,320 old typically does. He didn't call me up on a regular basis and ask me how I was doing. 73 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:57,840 So I immediately said I'm not okay. And I told him what I had just done and kind of 74 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:02,480 start freaking out a little bit says, you know, I'm calling ambulance, I'm calling on the dad, 75 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:06,320 I'm calling. I'm like, please don't call anybody. Like it was embarrassing enough, was hard enough. 76 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:12,480 And I knew that if he did, I would be forced into a situation where I had to reveal why. 77 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:19,040 And I couldn't, I couldn't talk about it. So I ended up, I said, just come over and be with me. 78 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:24,880 You know, I kind of went to the bathroom and purged my system of everything that I could. 79 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:29,760 And I believe that I caught everything in enough time that there was never any side effects. Nothing 80 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:36,000 really ever was able to happen to me as a result of him calling and me, you know, reacting as fast 81 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:42,640 as I did. And that, that kind of led to more suppression. Right. I did realize though, like, 82 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:47,360 it's not that I, it's not that I wanted to die. I just didn't want to be alive, if that makes any 83 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:52,960 sense. Like I didn't want to live the way I was living. But I entered into my twenties and 84 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:58,640 although we had gone to church a lot when I was growing up at some point, we had stopped going 85 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:02,880 to church and only because of the churches themselves, not because of the kind of walking away 86 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:07,920 from the Lord. But when I hid in my twenties, I decided I need to go back to church. I need to 87 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:12,080 find a church. And that's what I did. I looked around and I found a church and I started going 88 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:17,920 back and I, you know, this whole time of suppressing, I still was like, you know, I kept reaching out 89 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:22,160 to the Lord. Like I wanted it to be delivered. I didn't want to feel the way I felt. And I couldn't 90 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:27,680 understand why that deliverance wasn't coming because I would pray for it. So in my twenties, 91 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:33,520 I found churches and I would go and then I would end up leaving the church. But I thought, well, 92 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:39,120 you know, I want to have somebody in my life. So there was a few guys that I dated, but any 93 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:44,800 time it got a little bit serious, I was out. I'm like, this is my heart's not in this. This is 94 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:50,320 really what I want. And I, you know, I was lying to them. I was lying to myself. I was living a lie. 95 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:57,440 It was so confusing, such a horrible time because I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know where 96 00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:02,320 to go with it as much as I, as much as I prayed, even the churches, I didn't feel comfortable enough 97 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:07,040 to ever bring up to anyone what I was going through, what I was thinking, what I was feeling. 98 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:15,200 And I mean, we're going back here to the 80s and the early 90s when I was in my teens and in my 20s, 99 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:21,440 that it's a different world than it is now. And I, in a way, the fact that it's kind of in the 100 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:28,720 world's eyes, okay to have same-sex attraction, do all these things, I think that helps in that 101 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:32,560 there are people out there that are going through what I went through that maybe they could talk to 102 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:36,960 somebody if they feel like they aren't supposed to feel that way back then. There was, there was 103 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:43,200 nobody, there was just nothing that I could do with that. So I dated a little bit. Like I said, 104 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:49,040 if it came, became serious at all, I really would just push that person away and ended up 105 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:57,440 throughout my 20s and most of my 30s being by myself because I couldn't be, in my mind, 106 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:01,600 couldn't be with, couldn't have that same-sex attraction and date somebody of the same sex, 107 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:07,040 but I also did not want to be with a male. So I ended up just kind of living my life by myself. 108 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:13,120 I had friends, I hung out with family, and it wasn't until about my late 30s that I was working 109 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:20,000 with somebody that, a female, that co-worker and one day I just, I noticed that I felt like she was 110 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:26,080 flirting with me and you know, I thought, well that can't be right and then I kept noticing it and then 111 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:32,720 I realized that I believed that it was true. So I kind of approached her, I kind of said something 112 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:39,360 about it and she said that, that she was and I really liked this person and I thought, I think 113 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:44,560 I was about 38 years old, I mean this whole time, you know, I have no real relationship ever in my life 114 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:51,760 and this person was showing me some attention and I was like, you know, I felt like I've lived my 115 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:57,360 life the way I was supposed to, but really not because I'm suppressing something that's there, 116 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:03,120 right? I'm really not living life, I'm just existing at this point and I'm in, I didn't want to have 117 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:08,160 my parents so I thought, I felt like I was living for them and when I met her I said, I can't do that anymore. 118 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:12,960 Like I'm done with this, I need to do what I feel is going to make me happy and live my life the way 119 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:20,080 I feel I'm supposed to and whatever that fallout means, I can't go on like this. So her and I 120 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:25,760 started dating and you know, my parents kind of found out and I really stayed away from them for 121 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:31,840 about the first six months and I did that because I knew it would be hurtful for them and I didn't 122 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:39,280 want to do that, but what choice, you know, I didn't feel like I had a choice. So we were in a 123 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:44,480 relationship and we ended up being together almost six years with a lot of house together 124 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:50,480 and during that time though, one side started to kind of let my parents back in and started 125 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:55,200 going back around them because I missed them, you know, I always had a really good relationship 126 00:11:55,200 --> 00:12:01,840 with them and I wanted to maintain that. How difficult was that to reintegrate with them? 127 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:08,080 I made it more difficult than it became because the neat thing was like I knew how my parents 128 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:12,640 felt, I knew how they looked at the situation and how they felt about the relationship, but they 129 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:17,840 never said were disappointed in you, you know, you're living in sin, you're doing this, 130 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:23,680 they never brought that up. In fact, one of the things that always really got me was they never 131 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:28,400 treated the person I was with any differently than they treated my brother's wife and that's 132 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:34,720 both volumes to me. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't an acceptance of the situation, 133 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:41,040 but it was a loving gesture in spite of the situation and I think nowadays that's where 134 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:46,800 a lot of people get that wrong. People want to judge or hate or look at somebody who's living 135 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:52,880 a different lifestyle than them because all the Bible says this, the Bible does say that and 136 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:59,840 then I think God is very clear on same-sex relationships. He's very clear that he made 137 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:05,520 male and female, he didn't make so, he didn't, nobody's born into a confusion that comes from 138 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:10,560 God about their identity. That confusion comes from the enemy, it comes from a stronghold that 139 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:16,640 either plants itself in their life at some time during their life or it's done that in the history 140 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:24,080 of the person's family, the person's family. Yeah, the cycle's a family, yes. 141 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:32,000 Powerful and you had mentioned how you were visited by some demonic little... 142 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:39,440 It was, yeah. And that's how to hold on you for so long. That's so incredible that some people 143 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:46,880 don't understand that this is a demonic fight, this is a spiritual battle and so many of us 144 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:54,320 take our own opinions and we insert what we think God would say based on how we feel, 145 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:59,280 making a lot of the people we need to talk to more afraid than they ever should be. Absolutely. 146 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:08,720 You know, it takes an incredible bravery for you to admit that you had a need in this area and then 147 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:16,080 to go lacking without any kind of resolution for so long. That's an incredible journey that sounds 148 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:23,520 very painful and lonely for a lot of it. It was, it was very painful and very lonely. And I think 149 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:29,200 that's why when I met that person I was kind of like, this is my opportunity to finally be in a 150 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:35,120 relationship to live my life and it was, it lasted like I said about six years and it was a great 151 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:40,240 relationship at the beginning. In fact, I remember my brother telling me once that if my dad had said 152 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:47,760 to him, you know, I don't agree with your sister's lifestyle, but she seems very happy. And that 153 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:54,560 makes me happy at that point. It wasn't what he wanted and I know that him and my mom were praying 154 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:59,760 for me to be out of that, but it didn't stop him from, from kind of looking at it and going, okay, 155 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:05,840 that's what this is now, at least it's a happy situation for her. After that relationship ended 156 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:12,400 after about six years, I remember I was riding with my dad after that and I don't think that 157 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:18,480 they understood that I wasn't choosing to be attracted to women. A lot of people, I think, 158 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:24,880 believe that it's a choice. Now, you choose to walk in sin, but you don't always choose the 159 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:32,720 sin itself. I, at that point, could not, I could not change how I felt. It was a feeling that I 160 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:38,640 had and it was very real to me. So when somebody says that they are gay or they are trans, whatever 161 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:43,440 they identify as, I believe that it's absolutely who they believe they are. It doesn't mean that 162 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:51,520 it's not a lie, but it's very real to them. Yes. So I've said that many times that it is, 163 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:57,760 what they feel is based on fact or not is irrelevant because what they feel is true, no matter what I 164 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:04,160 feel, what they feel is true about themselves. And so I 100% agree with you on that. Yeah. So I was 165 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:09,120 riding around with my dad and we saw like this, this guy walking in the cowboy hat, he says to me, 166 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:14,480 that's what you need is a cowboy. And I said, I don't think you understand. But you still don't 167 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:20,480 get it after all these years. That that's, yeah, when you haven't lived that, I don't know. 168 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:27,040 I don't know either side. Right. Yeah. So after that relationship, I was alone for a couple years 169 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:34,000 and then I met somebody and got back into another relationship, another same sex relationship. 170 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:42,160 And we were together about eight years and about six years into that, I have bought a new car and 171 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:50,960 that car had Sirius X7. And in there, part of that package was a Christian station. And I noticed 172 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,920 one day I was flicking around the stations on there. And I don't even remember what song it was 173 00:16:55,920 --> 00:17:00,880 that actually came on, but I thought that's a really good song. And I can remember from 174 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:06,400 in the 80s and 90s, when I was listening to Christian Music back then that it was, 175 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:11,280 there was a lot of people that were really, you know, good musicians and I really enjoyed the music. 176 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:16,880 And I thought this music is even better than back then. Like it is really great stuff. So I left 177 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:23,360 it on and I just started listening to it, you know, just having it on because to me it, I like the 178 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:28,240 melodies. I like, you know, the songs that were playing. You can actually understand the words. 179 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:33,840 Right. And I like, I've always liked music. So I thought, oh, I'll leave it on. Well, 180 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:44,560 it started to minister to me. And it's so hard for me to describe what happened, but I felt God 181 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:52,720 calling me. It's like I could hear him. But it was so far in the distance at this point that I could 182 00:17:52,720 --> 00:18:01,200 hear him. And I don't know how to convey hearing that. Like it was just, I describe it sometimes as 183 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:07,680 this wooing, like he was wooing me back to him. And he was using the music. I would listen to the 184 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:18,400 music and I would hear him calling me. And I noticed one day that on a road that I took 185 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:24,480 for about 14 years, I noticed a church on a hill. And I know the church wasn't new. I knew the church 186 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:30,880 had been there. But I noticed it. I didn't think anything of it. And still, until I started realizing 187 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,800 that I was noticing the church all the time and not thinking about it, like it wasn't like, oh, 188 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:41,280 I'm coming up on where that church is. I would pass and I would see it. It was like, I keep noticing 189 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:46,720 this church. You know, I'm listening to the music and I could feel this call, this faint, distant 190 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:55,440 wooing of him calling me back. And this went on for well over a year. You know, and it wasn't every 191 00:18:55,440 --> 00:19:01,600 day. But when I really started noticing that I was noticing the church, I actually said out loud to 192 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,520 myself one day in the car when I noticed like, why do I keep noticing this church? Like, am I going 193 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:11,840 to go there someday? Why does this church keep standing out? So during this time period, the 194 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:20,240 relationship that I was in, I really started to pull myself from the relationship. As God was calling 195 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:25,440 me, it wasn't something that was always at the front of my mind, but I always felt like he was 196 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:31,840 there and kind of pulling me back in. The relationship that I was in was, it was a difficult one. 197 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:41,840 But I felt myself beginning to pull back. And in, during 2020, we had scheduled a vacation, 198 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:50,000 which got canceled because of COVID. And the following year, in February of 21, we rescheduled 199 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:55,120 it. And this whole time, this whole time, this whole year or so, the Lord, I'm listening to the 200 00:19:55,120 --> 00:20:01,200 music, I'm noticing the church and the Lord is calling me. And when, in fact, from Valentine's 201 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:08,960 Day of 2021, I bought her a Bible of all things. I'm like, I feel like I need to do this. I feel 202 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:15,040 like I need to get her a Bible. And when we rescheduled the vacation, I knew I wasn't gone. 203 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:21,280 But I knew that I needed out of the relationship that I was in. I knew I shouldn't be in that 204 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:30,720 relationship. And I knew that it wasn't fair kind of to either one of us that I was, I was still there. 205 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:35,040 But when you're in something for as long as I was, and at that point, it was almost eight years, 206 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:40,000 it wasn't a bad relationship, but it wasn't a great relationship either, right? 207 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,240 No, but you put a lot of your life equity into it. 208 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:49,040 Yeah. It was comfortable. And making that decision to walk away from there, I went back and forth a 209 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:53,760 lot in my mind is, is this the right decision or am I throwing away somebody that I'll regret, 210 00:20:53,760 --> 00:21:01,600 you know, walking away from. So we rescheduled the vacation and like the final payment on that 211 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:07,280 vacation was due in May. And I thought, I have to be out of this by May, because I can't continue to 212 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:13,760 make memories with somebody that I shouldn't be with, I don't want to be with. I can't continue 213 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:20,400 to do this for either one of us. And from that point, the next few weeks, it was such a battle, 214 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:26,880 it was such an emotional battle in my life. I've never felt stressed like that ever. It was overwhelming. 215 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:34,480 I'm battling what should I do? I'm battling the emotions of walking away from this. I'm battling 216 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:39,120 knowing that I'm going to hurt her and I didn't want to do that. She had a lot of hurt in her life, 217 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:43,120 a lot of hurt in her childhood. And I thought, I'm just going to be another person that does 218 00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:50,960 something to her that's not good. And I'm battling the call of God to come back. I know it was a 219 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:55,280 spiritual battle, as you alluded to earlier, it's a spiritual battle and not a physical battle. But 220 00:21:55,280 --> 00:22:00,720 that a lot of times bleeds over into the physical, like you just, you're very stressed out about it. 221 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:07,600 And we had made dinner plans. It was in April. It made dinner plans with some friends. It was 222 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:14,480 another same-sex couple. And they came to her house before we were going. One of the things that we, 223 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:19,600 although I had lived with somebody in the previous relationship, her and I never lived together. 224 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:25,440 I had dogs, she had cats. And really, it was a blessing because it would have been so more 225 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:31,680 convoluted if I sold my house and moved in than it ended up being when everything was final. 226 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:38,320 They came to her house before we were going out to eat. And she was kind of showing them around. 227 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,720 They had never been there before. And one of them said, why aren't the two of you married? 228 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:49,680 And she said, well, I want to be, but she doesn't. And that broke my heart because I thought, 229 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:55,360 I'm wasting your time. I'm wasting my time. I'm in something. I'm never going to be able to give 230 00:22:55,360 --> 00:23:03,760 you what it is that you want from me. And it was very devastating for me. So we went out to eat 231 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:10,240 that evening. The next day we got up and we were doing our usual Saturday morning routine, which, 232 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,920 you know, let's get breakfast and then we'd get ready and we're going to go to the gym. 233 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:23,760 And the spiritual battle became so intense that I could feel it in the physical. I don't know how 234 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:30,800 to completely convey that to anybody, but she was upstairs and I was on the main floor. And, 235 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:37,600 you know, for two weeks prior to this, I went to tell her so many times, I have to end this, 236 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:43,520 but I would choke it back. I would choke it down because I learned very early on to hide, 237 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:50,000 to choke things down, to suppress things because I'd done it so much in my life. I'd become an 238 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:55,040 expert at it really, but this was getting to the point where I clicked. It was so strong that I 239 00:23:55,040 --> 00:24:03,120 clicked. And on that particular day, I'm on the first floor and I, I, it's like I could hear the 240 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:09,360 Lord saying, go tell her, go tell her. And I'm like, I can't, it's going to be okay. And I'm 241 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:14,320 trying to talk myself out of it. Say, you know, just, you're going to be okay. It'll be all right. 242 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:20,480 You know, just, you know, go, this feeling will go away. It'll, it'll be fine. But the emotions 243 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:24,720 are welling over. Like I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. It was so intense. 244 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:31,040 So at one point, you know, I'm swallowing my emotions like physically swallowing, you know, 245 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:35,920 trying to, trying to choke back tears and a breakdown or whatever it is that's going on in 246 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:41,280 me emotionally. And at one point I couldn't swallow anymore. Like it was like there was 247 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:47,360 something stuck in my throat and the spiritual battle was so intense. I honestly could feel it. 248 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:52,720 Like I could feel the stress in the strain that I felt was going on in the spiritual, 249 00:24:52,720 --> 00:25:00,400 in the physical for me, like there was this tug of war for my soul and something was going to 250 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:05,360 happen pretty quickly. So when I got to the point where I physically couldn't swallow anymore, 251 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:13,680 and I couldn't get rid of that emotion, I said, okay, I will go tell her now. I said it out loud. 252 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:18,960 I said, like I was answering the Lord, I said, okay, I'll go tell her now. And when I said that, 253 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:27,520 I felt that lump, whatever that was being pushed out of my throat. And I knew, I knew it was that 254 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:34,240 stronghold that for 50 years from the time I was four, I had a hold in my life. I knew it, 255 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:42,880 that it was gone. And I went up and I don't know everything that I said. I mean, I know I told her 256 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:49,920 that I couldn't live like that anymore. I couldn't be in the relationship that I wanted my eternity 257 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:57,920 spent with the Lord. I didn't want it spent elsewhere that I couldn't do that. My eternity 258 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:04,880 being with Jesus was more important than anyone or anything, no matter what that meant. And there 259 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:11,120 was a lot of there was crying and screaming. And it was not good. It was about an hour long of 260 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:17,200 wrestling with, you know, her coming to the realization. I mean, what first thing she said to 261 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:21,760 me was, you want to date a man? And I'm like, this is nothing to do with dating. It's like, 262 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:27,360 I feel like I'm dying right now. Like this is this hurts me so bad. It says nothing to do with that. 263 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:32,880 This has to do with being right with the Lord for me, whatever that whatever comes of that, 264 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:39,120 whatever that means. She kind of kept reiterating to me that she was gay. And that was it. I'm like, 265 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:44,160 okay, like I'm not saying I'm just telling you where I'm coming from from my life for where I 266 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:49,280 am right now. This is what I have to do. And I'm sorry that this is hurting you. Like I don't know. 267 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:54,080 I must have said a thousand times, I don't want to lose you out of my life because I didn't I had this 268 00:26:54,960 --> 00:27:00,560 what kind of weird thing in my brain that I would tell her about Jesus. I would tell her what the 269 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:06,160 Bible says and that she would go, okay, I want to be a Christian too. Let's be friends. You know, 270 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:11,520 let let me move on with smoke, move on with our lives like this. And that didn't happen. And it 271 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:17,840 was very devastating because at that point, I wasn't in love with her, but I loved her. I cared 272 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:22,320 about her. I cared about her well being. I cared about her future. I cared about whether or not 273 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:28,560 she was hurting. And here I am the person inflicting that pain. And that was really hard for me to 274 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:35,600 deal with. And I think even harder for her. So it's trying to be very empathetic and sympathetic 275 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:42,560 to what she was hearing. I'm sure it was a shock. It was always very good at kind of hiding where I 276 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:49,280 was. I felt like I was being honest for the last six months or so, like pulling myself away. But I 277 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:54,000 realized that she really didn't have a clue. And I really blindsided her with the whole thing. 278 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:58,400 And I still feel horrible about that. It's something that's, it's really hard to deal with when you 279 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:04,160 devastate something like that. Well, and you know, despite how you were feeling, you still cared for 280 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:10,960 her. Absolutely. Still do. So it, you know, nobody wants to, wants to do that to somebody they care 281 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:16,880 for. That's, you know, that's hard to do. That's, that's a very, it's a very big sacrifice that you 282 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:22,640 made in order to get closer to the Lord, you know, to make that choice and then go through with it. 283 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:30,960 That was, that felt difficult when you told the story. I could feel it. It's incredible. I'm sorry 284 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:36,880 you had to go through that. Thank you. But you know, I, the church that I kept noticing that night, 285 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:44,560 well, before that, so I called my parents and, but even before that, so when I left, when it finally, 286 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:49,840 the conversation was over and she's just like, you need to just get out. I got in the car and I 287 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:56,240 turned on the radio and Mercy Me was off. And, you know, God doesn't make any mistakes ever. There's 288 00:28:56,240 --> 00:29:02,080 nothing that's not in his plan that it's crazy to me that he even goes down to a specific song. 289 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:07,200 So I get in the car and the song say I won't, is on, you know, in the beginning of it is, 290 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:13,440 basically says today it all begins. Like I'm seeing my life for the very first time through 291 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:18,800 different lengths. And that's literally playing while I'm leaving her driving. And I thought, 292 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:24,560 please, this is pretty profound that this is, this is absolutely the truth. I call my mom and dad 293 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:30,400 on the way home, you know, and told them and ended up going over there a little bit later on that 294 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:39,760 afternoon. My dad was outside. My dad's a very loving, caring, kind person. So he knew that I 295 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:47,440 was devastated and hurt. And, you know, instead of kind of rejoicing, my dad said to me, 296 00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:52,160 and I, I'm crying, I'm a basket case. And he said, what happened? And I said, 297 00:29:52,160 --> 00:30:00,240 I couldn't say no to God anymore. And that's really what it was. And it amazes me that the 298 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:07,360 Lord loves us enough to chase us down, to make it the situation so uncomfortable 299 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:16,880 that we can't say no. He does that for us. I don't understand it. And I don't have to 300 00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:21,600 understand it. And I'm not any more special to him than anybody else. And he, you know, 301 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:26,240 to me, he wants to do that for everybody. But when he's like, no, your mind, that's it. I mean, 302 00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:33,840 I, in my mind, I picture him saying, it's the enemy, not, not one more minute. I'm done. Done 303 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:40,000 letting God, his kids mind and making it impossible for me to continue to walk away. 304 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:47,120 That night, I reached out to the church I had been noticing. And I said, listen, I, I just got 305 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:50,640 out of this relationship, I shouldn't have been in. Do you have a counseling group? Like, I, 306 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:56,640 I want to talk to people. They sent me the name of two of their, both the two counselors there, 307 00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:02,640 they sent me, they're both their names. And one of the names was somebody that I recognized right 308 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:10,960 away that my family had counseled with like 25 years before this. And I thought, of all, 309 00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:15,840 and they did counsel at that church, there wasn't where they went to see this person. And I thought, 310 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:22,880 this is not a coincidence. Because with the suppression that I became so good at talking 311 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:28,560 about things is all something that I had a lot of difficulty with trusting people to open up to. 312 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:35,120 But when I saw her name, I thought I, I could open up immediately. Like, I don't know her, 313 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:41,520 but I knew of her. And I knew like, she was such a great person that I wasn't going to have any 314 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:49,680 difficulty in going in and opening up and getting on with, with the healing part. With this, you 315 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:56,480 know, with everything, that day, when I said those words and that thing you left, I've never 316 00:31:56,480 --> 00:32:02,800 struggled with that attraction again. It was gone when that was gone. It's not, I've never looked 317 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:07,840 back and regretted anything. I had to go through a healing process as you do with anything, you 318 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:13,360 know, when you come out of whatever you're in, it took some time for me to heal and kind of move on. 319 00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:17,360 But when the Lord delivered me, He delivered me from that house. 320 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:23,520 It was instantaneous, but it was 50 years in the making, right? And I've asked them a few times, 321 00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:27,840 like, why didn't it happen all those years earlier? Why didn't it happen in my 20s when I asked for 322 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:32,560 that? Why was this? And I'm not going to answer yet, because I feel like people are going to maybe 323 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:38,240 ask me that question at some point, like, well, why didn't it work, you know, years before? Yeah, 324 00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:43,440 ask and you shall receive. It's like, well, how long is this going to take on? Right, right. And 325 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:50,160 why did it take that long? And I don't know. I don't dwell on that. Like, why I look for, okay, 326 00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:55,040 it happened at that moment for a reason, whatever that reason is. And I, I believe that it's because 327 00:32:55,040 --> 00:33:02,720 of the chaos in the world right now in with the homosexuality, with the transgenderism, 328 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:09,520 with people not knowing their true identity is in Jesus and not in these other things that the 329 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:16,880 enemy has lied to them about, that maybe it's, it was just the time to deliver me so that he could 330 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:22,320 show people through my testimony that he still delivers people and he wants to deliver them. 331 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:28,400 And not just from that from anything, alcoholism or porn addiction or drug addiction, whatever it is, 332 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:34,560 he's proven to me beyond the shadow of the doubt that he still delivers because he did it for me. 333 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:41,200 I don't have to stop secondhand story. It is my story. And it's completely real in him transforming 334 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:49,280 my life and transforming who I believed I was and who now I know who I am in him and changing 335 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:57,920 how I view relationships. I love how he used music to speak to you. I know when I did, there was a 336 00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:05,120 30 day Caleb challenge and I took that challenge once and it wrecked me for secular music. I sold 337 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:14,880 all my secular CDs and I only had a couple Christian CDs and but, but God, I keep winning all these 338 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:20,800 three CDs from their local radio station. They changed their policy that you can win only once 339 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:26,800 every 60 days instead of 30 days. But then besides the recedes, God also gave me a whole 340 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:33,200 collection of CDs from some church. They were, they didn't need them anymore. And so he replenished 341 00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:38,640 what I had and then some. So it's just amazing that if you think you're giving up one thing, 342 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:42,720 he will give you something better. It's like that one meme where Jesus is holding the big 343 00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:46,640 teddy bear behind his back and he's asking you to give him the little teddy bear. And he's like, 344 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:51,920 just trust me, you know, and you just give up that little bit. But it's just great how he's 345 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:58,720 uses different ways to speak to us, you know, whether it's music or just, you know, the Holy 346 00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:04,880 Spirit, we're making you look at that church, you know, notice it. And then eventually it ends up 347 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:11,120 having somebody you needed. I really love how you said that you didn't want to die. 348 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:18,160 You just didn't want to be alive. I think that speaks so much to a lot of people that are struggling 349 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:26,560 with all manners of attacks from the enemy that they aren't necessarily looking for a way to harm 350 00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:30,720 themselves. They're not walking out in front of traffic. They're not throwing themselves from windows. 351 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:39,040 But they are not really in it. They're not really feeling the life and they're not okay. 352 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:44,720 They're just not okay. And I really feel that resonance with some people. And then a lot of 353 00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:51,680 people I work in EMS and, you know, we get a lot of psych suicidal calls and such. And I feel that 354 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:57,840 this is like a category prior to that when you're walking that line where you're not suicidal, you're 355 00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:04,400 just okay not being here. And that just spoke to me so much. I think more people need to hear that 356 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:09,280 because when we know that we feel the same thing as other people, we know that we're not alone. 357 00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:15,040 And the enemy likes us to make us feel isolated so he can pick at us. And so I love that you 358 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:20,160 can get that message out there with that. And with these episodes, people can listen like, 359 00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:25,360 hey, I'm not the only one dealing with that. And then they see that God did it for one person. 360 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:29,680 He can do it again. And it's never going to be in the same way. He's very creative. 361 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:36,080 Right. And if you go back, we by no means have talked to every single person that's had a miracle. 362 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:40,880 But when you go back to how many podcasts with people we've talked to that experienced it, then 363 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:48,960 why not you? Or why not me? Or why not that person over there? Nobody is excluded from the glory of 364 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:54,000 God. No one is excluded from his healing, his restorative power. No one is excluded from it. 365 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:59,280 Like this is something he wants for us. And that's another lie from the enemy that tells us that 366 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:04,480 we're not worthy of it or that we don't deserve it. I think we need to identify that too. 367 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:11,360 Yeah, I believe that he wants to free us all from whatever it is. I think, as I said earlier, 368 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:17,280 salvation is the first step. But then there are so many people who are saved that live under 369 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:22,000 oppression of some sort and feel like they have to or they're embarrassed or they don't want to 370 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:28,240 talk to anybody. And it is difficult. I mean, I've been there. I know that. But God does want to free 371 00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:35,120 us. I love the song Thrive because and I listen to that sometimes like he doesn't want us to just 372 00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:41,840 be alive. He wants us to thrive. And that's what that's the feeling that I want to have. I mean, 373 00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:48,640 you can get bogged down by life, but you shouldn't go through it. We get one shot at this. And to try 374 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:53,920 to get it right. And to live a life where we have some joy in our life and we have some pleasure in 375 00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:58,400 our life with just enjoying doing things, whether it's going to eat with a friend or whatever. 376 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:04,480 When you are under an oppression of some sort, those types of things are known. They're like 377 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:09,920 numbed down. Like they're not real. The colors aren't as bright as they are supposed to be. 378 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:15,360 Because we have this underlying attack from the enemy that wants to hold us in that bondage. 379 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:21,520 And it's not the way that Jesus created us to live. He wanted to save us and He wanted to free 380 00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:28,960 us from that same bondage. And you're correct. As I said earlier, I'm not special to God. We are 381 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:36,400 all special to God. I'm grateful. I thank Him almost every day that He saved me and He transformed 382 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:44,880 my life. And it was April 10th, 2021. And in fact, I have this tattoo on my hand and that's what it 383 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:51,120 stands for. It's Morris Code. Because I said, I want people to ask me what that is. And I tell 384 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:57,280 people it's the day that the Lord changed my life forever and transformed me and renewed me into being 385 00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:04,640 what He actually created me to be in whole and not just part of. It's important for people to 386 00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:10,560 understand that He wants to do the same thing for them. Absolutely. I couldn't think of more. 387 00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:20,000 Absolutely. I love this episode. It's so good. It made me tear up. But when the Holy Spirit's 388 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:27,520 moving, I do that. It just oozes out there so much. So I love that. It made me tear up too. And I don't 389 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:37,120 often admit that. It made me tear up too. Yeah, it's powerful. I love how He uses relationships to 390 00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:44,480 just build His kingdom and bring us together. And then we can give Him a glory. It's just so good. 391 00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:49,360 If you have been blessed by this episode or you thought of somebody, somebody came to your 392 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:55,760 mind, we ask that you share the episode so we can encourage others. And also, we have a fundraising 393 00:39:55,760 --> 00:40:01,920 campaign that helps with our audio expenses and actually our podcast studio that God has granted 394 00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:08,160 us with. So it's very exciting. And if you go to Gipson, there's a link in the about section. So if 395 00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:13,760 you go there, you can just click on that. And that's easy. There's options there to give. And also, 396 00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:18,720 there's an email option that you can sign up for our emails and get the episode sent to you so you 397 00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:22,720 don't miss an episode. And with that, we'll talk to you next time.