Welcome to the God's goodness podcast where our mission is to encourage and highlight
God's goodness and modern day miracles. We are your hosts, Josh and Shelley Hankins.
Today we have with us a special guest. We know her through Patty and Joe Barnaby. They were
on the podcast earlier talking about Club 316. I suggest you check it out. It's in our
top five. And with us today we have Shelley Phillips and we're talking about something that
not a lot of churches talk about, but God thought we were ready for this topic. And so he brought
her in our life and we ask that you listen with an open mind and we're here to give God the glory
and know that he can change everything. And with that we'll ask Shelley to open us up with an opening
prayer. Thank you. Father, we come before you today and ask that the words that are spoken here today
are yours and not mine. And that those who need to hear this message and hear that you are still a
God that delivers people, you still want to call people into your kingdom, you still want to set
people free. And not just with salvation, but anything that they are under father currently
that's a stronghold in their lives that it be removed from their lives that you want to do that for
them. And we ask that this play a role in that and what however you see fit. And we ask that in
Jesus name. Amen. Amen. So where would you like to start? I guess I'll start at the beginning.
So my testimony goes back about 50 years. I was very young when everything began. I was
five when my mom was saved. And prior to that, my mom was into witchcraft very heavily. I mean to
the point where she's told me stories about like walking through the house having a Ouija board on
the coffee table asking it a questioning it moving. So there was a really real deep
embediment in her life at that point, but she was searching. She grew up in a Catholic home
who was searching for something. And in the midst of that searching when I was five, she became a
Christian. But I believe that her being involved in that opened a door like the enemy needs a door
to kind of get a stronghold in our lives. And whether it's a generational curse, it's something
that's happened before and you're kind of born into it or something that's exposed through a parent
or whoever in your life or something that can happen to you in your life can open a door for
him to get a stronghold. But I think for me that's where it started. I remember when I was about four,
I was put down for a nap and I was in my room and all of a sudden I wasn't alone in the room.
There was something in there with me. And I remember it. When I told story years later,
my mom says that she remembers me telling me telling her when I woke up about this incident.
And this thing was in there and it wasn't it wasn't really scary. It was like this little kind of
annoyed looking thing. It was just hopping around the room and laughing at me and hopping on my bed.
And I remember distinctly it's saying to me, you're mine and I'm never letting you go.
Oh, wild. And that's why I think that this stronghold goes back to that point. Because like I said,
when I was five, my parents got saved. So I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church and my
parents were really involved in it. We went on Sundays, Sunday nights, on Wednesdays. If there
were plays and what like my parents, my mom would begin to play. So we were really heavily involved
in the church. And so I grew up in that. And I learned through that what the Bible had to say
about life, about how to live life. And I didn't think anything of it until I kind of hit puberty.
And it was early on. I had puberty pretty early. It was about 11 years old. But it wasn't always
about 14 that when I had friends that were kind of interested in boys and the boys were interested
in girls. And that I, you know, I, at that point, I was like, well, I had some confusion about who
I was interested in, but I wasn't really ready to date. Like I kind of felt in my mind like we're
too young. I mean, even even at 14, I was like, I like being a kid. I want to be a kid for a little
while. So it wasn't really anything that I thought too much about. And kind of fast forward to when
I was 16, I started to feel like I wanted to date my friends were dating. I wanted to also date.
The issue for me was that I wasn't attracted to boys. I was attracted to girls. And I didn't
know how to reconcile that. I knew what the Bible said. I knew how that the attraction was against
the word of God. And I didn't know what to do with it. I was close to my mom and dad and I still
am, but I didn't feel like there was anyone that I could talk to. I felt like if I had brought the
subject up and said, you know, Hey, this is how I'm feeling. This is the attraction I have that I
would have been told, you know, it's against the Bible and you should feel that way. And I already
knew that I didn't need somebody to tell me that I needed somebody help to help me not feel that way,
not have that attraction. How do I get rid of this? So I learned to kind of internalize what I
was going through internalize how I was feeling and kind of pretend that it wasn't there. So
pushing that down and pushing that down and decided, well, I'm just not going to date my friends
are dating. I had friends that I would hang out with. I kind of hung out with my brother. But when
I was 19, everything kind of kept came ahead to me. I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling.
I kept suppressing everything. I was miserable because we want to be in relationships as human
beings, right? We want somebody to share our lives with. And I felt like I couldn't have that because
I couldn't have couldn't follow how I felt because I felt it was a sin. But I didn't also want to
want to date a male because it wasn't that wasn't my attraction. So when I was 19 and that reached
ahead, I was living with some friends and they all went out one night. So I was left in the
apartment by myself. And it was at that point that I thought I just need this whole thing over with.
So I cleaned out the entire medicine cabinet. I don't honestly recall how many bottles it was,
but I dumped everything on the coffee table and I just took everything that was there.
And immediately after I finished consuming the last bit of those pills, the phone rang. And back
then we didn't have cell phones. It was still landline. So the phone rang and I could have been
for anybody in the house and I don't even know except I know now that it was the Lord like
why I would have answered the phone. But I answered the phone and it was my 17 year old brother and
he said to me and this gets very emotional for me. He said, I felt like something's wrong and
they did call you. We were close then and we're still close now, but it's not something a 17 year
old typically does. He didn't call me up on a regular basis and ask me how I was doing.
So I immediately said I'm not okay. And I told him what I had just done and kind of
start freaking out a little bit says, you know, I'm calling ambulance, I'm calling on the dad,
I'm calling. I'm like, please don't call anybody. Like it was embarrassing enough, was hard enough.
And I knew that if he did, I would be forced into a situation where I had to reveal why.
And I couldn't, I couldn't talk about it. So I ended up, I said, just come over and be with me.
You know, I kind of went to the bathroom and purged my system of everything that I could.
And I believe that I caught everything in enough time that there was never any side effects. Nothing
really ever was able to happen to me as a result of him calling and me, you know, reacting as fast
as I did. And that, that kind of led to more suppression. Right. I did realize though, like,
it's not that I, it's not that I wanted to die. I just didn't want to be alive, if that makes any
sense. Like I didn't want to live the way I was living. But I entered into my twenties and
although we had gone to church a lot when I was growing up at some point, we had stopped going
to church and only because of the churches themselves, not because of the kind of walking away
from the Lord. But when I hid in my twenties, I decided I need to go back to church. I need to
find a church. And that's what I did. I looked around and I found a church and I started going
back and I, you know, this whole time of suppressing, I still was like, you know, I kept reaching out
to the Lord. Like I wanted it to be delivered. I didn't want to feel the way I felt. And I couldn't
understand why that deliverance wasn't coming because I would pray for it. So in my twenties,
I found churches and I would go and then I would end up leaving the church. But I thought, well,
you know, I want to have somebody in my life. So there was a few guys that I dated, but any
time it got a little bit serious, I was out. I'm like, this is my heart's not in this. This is
really what I want. And I, you know, I was lying to them. I was lying to myself. I was living a lie.
It was so confusing, such a horrible time because I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know where
to go with it as much as I, as much as I prayed, even the churches, I didn't feel comfortable enough
to ever bring up to anyone what I was going through, what I was thinking, what I was feeling.
And I mean, we're going back here to the 80s and the early 90s when I was in my teens and in my 20s,
that it's a different world than it is now. And I, in a way, the fact that it's kind of in the
world's eyes, okay to have same-sex attraction, do all these things, I think that helps in that
there are people out there that are going through what I went through that maybe they could talk to
somebody if they feel like they aren't supposed to feel that way back then. There was, there was
nobody, there was just nothing that I could do with that. So I dated a little bit. Like I said,
if it came, became serious at all, I really would just push that person away and ended up
throughout my 20s and most of my 30s being by myself because I couldn't be, in my mind,
couldn't be with, couldn't have that same-sex attraction and date somebody of the same sex,
but I also did not want to be with a male. So I ended up just kind of living my life by myself.
I had friends, I hung out with family, and it wasn't until about my late 30s that I was working
with somebody that, a female, that co-worker and one day I just, I noticed that I felt like she was
flirting with me and you know, I thought, well that can't be right and then I kept noticing it and then
I realized that I believed that it was true. So I kind of approached her, I kind of said something
about it and she said that, that she was and I really liked this person and I thought, I think
I was about 38 years old, I mean this whole time, you know, I have no real relationship ever in my life
and this person was showing me some attention and I was like, you know, I felt like I've lived my
life the way I was supposed to, but really not because I'm suppressing something that's there,
right? I'm really not living life, I'm just existing at this point and I'm in, I didn't want to have
my parents so I thought, I felt like I was living for them and when I met her I said, I can't do that anymore.
Like I'm done with this, I need to do what I feel is going to make me happy and live my life the way
I feel I'm supposed to and whatever that fallout means, I can't go on like this. So her and I
started dating and you know, my parents kind of found out and I really stayed away from them for
about the first six months and I did that because I knew it would be hurtful for them and I didn't
want to do that, but what choice, you know, I didn't feel like I had a choice. So we were in a
relationship and we ended up being together almost six years with a lot of house together
and during that time though, one side started to kind of let my parents back in and started
going back around them because I missed them, you know, I always had a really good relationship
with them and I wanted to maintain that. How difficult was that to reintegrate with them?
I made it more difficult than it became because the neat thing was like I knew how my parents
felt, I knew how they looked at the situation and how they felt about the relationship, but they
never said were disappointed in you, you know, you're living in sin, you're doing this,
they never brought that up. In fact, one of the things that always really got me was they never
treated the person I was with any differently than they treated my brother's wife and that's
both volumes to me. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't an acceptance of the situation,
but it was a loving gesture in spite of the situation and I think nowadays that's where
a lot of people get that wrong. People want to judge or hate or look at somebody who's living
a different lifestyle than them because all the Bible says this, the Bible does say that and
then I think God is very clear on same-sex relationships. He's very clear that he made
male and female, he didn't make so, he didn't, nobody's born into a confusion that comes from
God about their identity. That confusion comes from the enemy, it comes from a stronghold that
either plants itself in their life at some time during their life or it's done that in the history
of the person's family, the person's family. Yeah, the cycle's a family, yes.
Powerful and you had mentioned how you were visited by some demonic little...
It was, yeah. And that's how to hold on you for so long. That's so incredible that some people
don't understand that this is a demonic fight, this is a spiritual battle and so many of us
take our own opinions and we insert what we think God would say based on how we feel,
making a lot of the people we need to talk to more afraid than they ever should be. Absolutely.
You know, it takes an incredible bravery for you to admit that you had a need in this area and then
to go lacking without any kind of resolution for so long. That's an incredible journey that sounds
very painful and lonely for a lot of it. It was, it was very painful and very lonely. And I think
that's why when I met that person I was kind of like, this is my opportunity to finally be in a
relationship to live my life and it was, it lasted like I said about six years and it was a great
relationship at the beginning. In fact, I remember my brother telling me once that if my dad had said
to him, you know, I don't agree with your sister's lifestyle, but she seems very happy. And that
makes me happy at that point. It wasn't what he wanted and I know that him and my mom were praying
for me to be out of that, but it didn't stop him from, from kind of looking at it and going, okay,
that's what this is now, at least it's a happy situation for her. After that relationship ended
after about six years, I remember I was riding with my dad after that and I don't think that
they understood that I wasn't choosing to be attracted to women. A lot of people, I think,
believe that it's a choice. Now, you choose to walk in sin, but you don't always choose the
sin itself. I, at that point, could not, I could not change how I felt. It was a feeling that I
had and it was very real to me. So when somebody says that they are gay or they are trans, whatever
they identify as, I believe that it's absolutely who they believe they are. It doesn't mean that
it's not a lie, but it's very real to them. Yes. So I've said that many times that it is,
what they feel is based on fact or not is irrelevant because what they feel is true, no matter what I
feel, what they feel is true about themselves. And so I 100% agree with you on that. Yeah. So I was
riding around with my dad and we saw like this, this guy walking in the cowboy hat, he says to me,
that's what you need is a cowboy. And I said, I don't think you understand. But you still don't
get it after all these years. That that's, yeah, when you haven't lived that, I don't know.
I don't know either side. Right. Yeah. So after that relationship, I was alone for a couple years
and then I met somebody and got back into another relationship, another same sex relationship.
And we were together about eight years and about six years into that, I have bought a new car and
that car had Sirius X7. And in there, part of that package was a Christian station. And I noticed
one day I was flicking around the stations on there. And I don't even remember what song it was
that actually came on, but I thought that's a really good song. And I can remember from
in the 80s and 90s, when I was listening to Christian Music back then that it was,
there was a lot of people that were really, you know, good musicians and I really enjoyed the music.
And I thought this music is even better than back then. Like it is really great stuff. So I left
it on and I just started listening to it, you know, just having it on because to me it, I like the
melodies. I like, you know, the songs that were playing. You can actually understand the words.
Right. And I like, I've always liked music. So I thought, oh, I'll leave it on. Well,
it started to minister to me. And it's so hard for me to describe what happened, but I felt God
calling me. It's like I could hear him. But it was so far in the distance at this point that I could
hear him. And I don't know how to convey hearing that. Like it was just, I describe it sometimes as
this wooing, like he was wooing me back to him. And he was using the music. I would listen to the
music and I would hear him calling me. And I noticed one day that on a road that I took
for about 14 years, I noticed a church on a hill. And I know the church wasn't new. I knew the church
had been there. But I noticed it. I didn't think anything of it. And still, until I started realizing
that I was noticing the church all the time and not thinking about it, like it wasn't like, oh,
I'm coming up on where that church is. I would pass and I would see it. It was like, I keep noticing
this church. You know, I'm listening to the music and I could feel this call, this faint, distant
wooing of him calling me back. And this went on for well over a year. You know, and it wasn't every
day. But when I really started noticing that I was noticing the church, I actually said out loud to
myself one day in the car when I noticed like, why do I keep noticing this church? Like, am I going
to go there someday? Why does this church keep standing out? So during this time period, the
relationship that I was in, I really started to pull myself from the relationship. As God was calling
me, it wasn't something that was always at the front of my mind, but I always felt like he was
there and kind of pulling me back in. The relationship that I was in was, it was a difficult one.
But I felt myself beginning to pull back. And in, during 2020, we had scheduled a vacation,
which got canceled because of COVID. And the following year, in February of 21, we rescheduled
it. And this whole time, this whole time, this whole year or so, the Lord, I'm listening to the
music, I'm noticing the church and the Lord is calling me. And when, in fact, from Valentine's
Day of 2021, I bought her a Bible of all things. I'm like, I feel like I need to do this. I feel
like I need to get her a Bible. And when we rescheduled the vacation, I knew I wasn't gone.
But I knew that I needed out of the relationship that I was in. I knew I shouldn't be in that
relationship. And I knew that it wasn't fair kind of to either one of us that I was, I was still there.
But when you're in something for as long as I was, and at that point, it was almost eight years,
it wasn't a bad relationship, but it wasn't a great relationship either, right?
No, but you put a lot of your life equity into it.
Yeah. It was comfortable. And making that decision to walk away from there, I went back and forth a
lot in my mind is, is this the right decision or am I throwing away somebody that I'll regret,
you know, walking away from. So we rescheduled the vacation and like the final payment on that
vacation was due in May. And I thought, I have to be out of this by May, because I can't continue to
make memories with somebody that I shouldn't be with, I don't want to be with. I can't continue
to do this for either one of us. And from that point, the next few weeks, it was such a battle,
it was such an emotional battle in my life. I've never felt stressed like that ever. It was overwhelming.
I'm battling what should I do? I'm battling the emotions of walking away from this. I'm battling
knowing that I'm going to hurt her and I didn't want to do that. She had a lot of hurt in her life,
a lot of hurt in her childhood. And I thought, I'm just going to be another person that does
something to her that's not good. And I'm battling the call of God to come back. I know it was a
spiritual battle, as you alluded to earlier, it's a spiritual battle and not a physical battle. But
that a lot of times bleeds over into the physical, like you just, you're very stressed out about it.
And we had made dinner plans. It was in April. It made dinner plans with some friends. It was
another same-sex couple. And they came to her house before we were going. One of the things that we,
although I had lived with somebody in the previous relationship, her and I never lived together.
I had dogs, she had cats. And really, it was a blessing because it would have been so more
convoluted if I sold my house and moved in than it ended up being when everything was final.
They came to her house before we were going out to eat. And she was kind of showing them around.
They had never been there before. And one of them said, why aren't the two of you married?
And she said, well, I want to be, but she doesn't. And that broke my heart because I thought,
I'm wasting your time. I'm wasting my time. I'm in something. I'm never going to be able to give
you what it is that you want from me. And it was very devastating for me. So we went out to eat
that evening. The next day we got up and we were doing our usual Saturday morning routine, which,
you know, let's get breakfast and then we'd get ready and we're going to go to the gym.
And the spiritual battle became so intense that I could feel it in the physical. I don't know how
to completely convey that to anybody, but she was upstairs and I was on the main floor. And,
you know, for two weeks prior to this, I went to tell her so many times, I have to end this,
but I would choke it back. I would choke it down because I learned very early on to hide,
to choke things down, to suppress things because I'd done it so much in my life. I'd become an
expert at it really, but this was getting to the point where I clicked. It was so strong that I
clicked. And on that particular day, I'm on the first floor and I, I, it's like I could hear the
Lord saying, go tell her, go tell her. And I'm like, I can't, it's going to be okay. And I'm
trying to talk myself out of it. Say, you know, just, you're going to be okay. It'll be all right.
You know, just, you know, go, this feeling will go away. It'll, it'll be fine. But the emotions
are welling over. Like I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. It was so intense.
So at one point, you know, I'm swallowing my emotions like physically swallowing, you know,
trying to, trying to choke back tears and a breakdown or whatever it is that's going on in
me emotionally. And at one point I couldn't swallow anymore. Like it was like there was
something stuck in my throat and the spiritual battle was so intense. I honestly could feel it.
Like I could feel the stress in the strain that I felt was going on in the spiritual,
in the physical for me, like there was this tug of war for my soul and something was going to
happen pretty quickly. So when I got to the point where I physically couldn't swallow anymore,
and I couldn't get rid of that emotion, I said, okay, I will go tell her now. I said it out loud.
I said, like I was answering the Lord, I said, okay, I'll go tell her now. And when I said that,
I felt that lump, whatever that was being pushed out of my throat. And I knew, I knew it was that
stronghold that for 50 years from the time I was four, I had a hold in my life. I knew it,
that it was gone. And I went up and I don't know everything that I said. I mean, I know I told her
that I couldn't live like that anymore. I couldn't be in the relationship that I wanted my eternity
spent with the Lord. I didn't want it spent elsewhere that I couldn't do that. My eternity
being with Jesus was more important than anyone or anything, no matter what that meant. And there
was a lot of there was crying and screaming. And it was not good. It was about an hour long of
wrestling with, you know, her coming to the realization. I mean, what first thing she said to
me was, you want to date a man? And I'm like, this is nothing to do with dating. It's like,
I feel like I'm dying right now. Like this is this hurts me so bad. It says nothing to do with that.
This has to do with being right with the Lord for me, whatever that whatever comes of that,
whatever that means. She kind of kept reiterating to me that she was gay. And that was it. I'm like,
okay, like I'm not saying I'm just telling you where I'm coming from from my life for where I
am right now. This is what I have to do. And I'm sorry that this is hurting you. Like I don't know.
I must have said a thousand times, I don't want to lose you out of my life because I didn't I had this
what kind of weird thing in my brain that I would tell her about Jesus. I would tell her what the
Bible says and that she would go, okay, I want to be a Christian too. Let's be friends. You know,
let let me move on with smoke, move on with our lives like this. And that didn't happen. And it
was very devastating because at that point, I wasn't in love with her, but I loved her. I cared
about her. I cared about her well being. I cared about her future. I cared about whether or not
she was hurting. And here I am the person inflicting that pain. And that was really hard for me to
deal with. And I think even harder for her. So it's trying to be very empathetic and sympathetic
to what she was hearing. I'm sure it was a shock. It was always very good at kind of hiding where I
was. I felt like I was being honest for the last six months or so, like pulling myself away. But I
realized that she really didn't have a clue. And I really blindsided her with the whole thing.
And I still feel horrible about that. It's something that's, it's really hard to deal with when you
devastate something like that. Well, and you know, despite how you were feeling, you still cared for
her. Absolutely. Still do. So it, you know, nobody wants to, wants to do that to somebody they care
for. That's, you know, that's hard to do. That's, that's a very, it's a very big sacrifice that you
made in order to get closer to the Lord, you know, to make that choice and then go through with it.
That was, that felt difficult when you told the story. I could feel it. It's incredible. I'm sorry
you had to go through that. Thank you. But you know, I, the church that I kept noticing that night,
well, before that, so I called my parents and, but even before that, so when I left, when it finally,
the conversation was over and she's just like, you need to just get out. I got in the car and I
turned on the radio and Mercy Me was off. And, you know, God doesn't make any mistakes ever. There's
nothing that's not in his plan that it's crazy to me that he even goes down to a specific song.
So I get in the car and the song say I won't, is on, you know, in the beginning of it is,
basically says today it all begins. Like I'm seeing my life for the very first time through
different lengths. And that's literally playing while I'm leaving her driving. And I thought,
please, this is pretty profound that this is, this is absolutely the truth. I call my mom and dad
on the way home, you know, and told them and ended up going over there a little bit later on that
afternoon. My dad was outside. My dad's a very loving, caring, kind person. So he knew that I
was devastated and hurt. And, you know, instead of kind of rejoicing, my dad said to me,
and I, I'm crying, I'm a basket case. And he said, what happened? And I said,
I couldn't say no to God anymore. And that's really what it was. And it amazes me that the
Lord loves us enough to chase us down, to make it the situation so uncomfortable
that we can't say no. He does that for us. I don't understand it. And I don't have to
understand it. And I'm not any more special to him than anybody else. And he, you know,
to me, he wants to do that for everybody. But when he's like, no, your mind, that's it. I mean,
I, in my mind, I picture him saying, it's the enemy, not, not one more minute. I'm done. Done
letting God, his kids mind and making it impossible for me to continue to walk away.
That night, I reached out to the church I had been noticing. And I said, listen, I, I just got
out of this relationship, I shouldn't have been in. Do you have a counseling group? Like, I,
I want to talk to people. They sent me the name of two of their, both the two counselors there,
they sent me, they're both their names. And one of the names was somebody that I recognized right
away that my family had counseled with like 25 years before this. And I thought, of all,
and they did counsel at that church, there wasn't where they went to see this person. And I thought,
this is not a coincidence. Because with the suppression that I became so good at talking
about things is all something that I had a lot of difficulty with trusting people to open up to.
But when I saw her name, I thought I, I could open up immediately. Like, I don't know her,
but I knew of her. And I knew like, she was such a great person that I wasn't going to have any
difficulty in going in and opening up and getting on with, with the healing part. With this, you
know, with everything, that day, when I said those words and that thing you left, I've never
struggled with that attraction again. It was gone when that was gone. It's not, I've never looked
back and regretted anything. I had to go through a healing process as you do with anything, you
know, when you come out of whatever you're in, it took some time for me to heal and kind of move on.
But when the Lord delivered me, He delivered me from that house.
It was instantaneous, but it was 50 years in the making, right? And I've asked them a few times,
like, why didn't it happen all those years earlier? Why didn't it happen in my 20s when I asked for
that? Why was this? And I'm not going to answer yet, because I feel like people are going to maybe
ask me that question at some point, like, well, why didn't it work, you know, years before? Yeah,
ask and you shall receive. It's like, well, how long is this going to take on? Right, right. And
why did it take that long? And I don't know. I don't dwell on that. Like, why I look for, okay,
it happened at that moment for a reason, whatever that reason is. And I, I believe that it's because
of the chaos in the world right now in with the homosexuality, with the transgenderism,
with people not knowing their true identity is in Jesus and not in these other things that the
enemy has lied to them about, that maybe it's, it was just the time to deliver me so that he could
show people through my testimony that he still delivers people and he wants to deliver them.
And not just from that from anything, alcoholism or porn addiction or drug addiction, whatever it is,
he's proven to me beyond the shadow of the doubt that he still delivers because he did it for me.
I don't have to stop secondhand story. It is my story. And it's completely real in him transforming
my life and transforming who I believed I was and who now I know who I am in him and changing
how I view relationships. I love how he used music to speak to you. I know when I did, there was a
30 day Caleb challenge and I took that challenge once and it wrecked me for secular music. I sold
all my secular CDs and I only had a couple Christian CDs and but, but God, I keep winning all these
three CDs from their local radio station. They changed their policy that you can win only once
every 60 days instead of 30 days. But then besides the recedes, God also gave me a whole
collection of CDs from some church. They were, they didn't need them anymore. And so he replenished
what I had and then some. So it's just amazing that if you think you're giving up one thing,
he will give you something better. It's like that one meme where Jesus is holding the big
teddy bear behind his back and he's asking you to give him the little teddy bear. And he's like,
just trust me, you know, and you just give up that little bit. But it's just great how he's
uses different ways to speak to us, you know, whether it's music or just, you know, the Holy
Spirit, we're making you look at that church, you know, notice it. And then eventually it ends up
having somebody you needed. I really love how you said that you didn't want to die.
You just didn't want to be alive. I think that speaks so much to a lot of people that are struggling
with all manners of attacks from the enemy that they aren't necessarily looking for a way to harm
themselves. They're not walking out in front of traffic. They're not throwing themselves from windows.
But they are not really in it. They're not really feeling the life and they're not okay.
They're just not okay. And I really feel that resonance with some people. And then a lot of
people I work in EMS and, you know, we get a lot of psych suicidal calls and such. And I feel that
this is like a category prior to that when you're walking that line where you're not suicidal, you're
just okay not being here. And that just spoke to me so much. I think more people need to hear that
because when we know that we feel the same thing as other people, we know that we're not alone.
And the enemy likes us to make us feel isolated so he can pick at us. And so I love that you
can get that message out there with that. And with these episodes, people can listen like,
hey, I'm not the only one dealing with that. And then they see that God did it for one person.
He can do it again. And it's never going to be in the same way. He's very creative.
Right. And if you go back, we by no means have talked to every single person that's had a miracle.
But when you go back to how many podcasts with people we've talked to that experienced it, then
why not you? Or why not me? Or why not that person over there? Nobody is excluded from the glory of
God. No one is excluded from his healing, his restorative power. No one is excluded from it.
Like this is something he wants for us. And that's another lie from the enemy that tells us that
we're not worthy of it or that we don't deserve it. I think we need to identify that too.
Yeah, I believe that he wants to free us all from whatever it is. I think, as I said earlier,
salvation is the first step. But then there are so many people who are saved that live under
oppression of some sort and feel like they have to or they're embarrassed or they don't want to
talk to anybody. And it is difficult. I mean, I've been there. I know that. But God does want to free
us. I love the song Thrive because and I listen to that sometimes like he doesn't want us to just
be alive. He wants us to thrive. And that's what that's the feeling that I want to have. I mean,
you can get bogged down by life, but you shouldn't go through it. We get one shot at this. And to try
to get it right. And to live a life where we have some joy in our life and we have some pleasure in
our life with just enjoying doing things, whether it's going to eat with a friend or whatever.
When you are under an oppression of some sort, those types of things are known. They're like
numbed down. Like they're not real. The colors aren't as bright as they are supposed to be.
Because we have this underlying attack from the enemy that wants to hold us in that bondage.
And it's not the way that Jesus created us to live. He wanted to save us and He wanted to free
us from that same bondage. And you're correct. As I said earlier, I'm not special to God. We are
all special to God. I'm grateful. I thank Him almost every day that He saved me and He transformed
my life. And it was April 10th, 2021. And in fact, I have this tattoo on my hand and that's what it
stands for. It's Morris Code. Because I said, I want people to ask me what that is. And I tell
people it's the day that the Lord changed my life forever and transformed me and renewed me into being
what He actually created me to be in whole and not just part of. It's important for people to
understand that He wants to do the same thing for them. Absolutely. I couldn't think of more.
Absolutely. I love this episode. It's so good. It made me tear up. But when the Holy Spirit's
moving, I do that. It just oozes out there so much. So I love that. It made me tear up too. And I don't
often admit that. It made me tear up too. Yeah, it's powerful. I love how He uses relationships to
just build His kingdom and bring us together. And then we can give Him a glory. It's just so good.
If you have been blessed by this episode or you thought of somebody, somebody came to your
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