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Welcome to the God's Goodness podcast, where our mission is to encourage as well as highlight

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God's Goodness and modern-day miracles. We are your hosts, Josh and Shelley Hankins.

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Today we have with us a special guest. We have Hannah Gray with us. We know her from church

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and my bastard come on this episode because the other day I was talking to her and I just

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saw her face light up when she thought about what God's Goodness in her life that she could

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possibly share. She's been praying over it the last couple of weeks about what she should

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share about today. We're going to have her be led by the Holy Spirit and we're going

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to ask her to start us off with a little prayer and then we'll go from there.

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All right. My name is Hannah. I just want to open up and thank you God for leading me

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here and introducing me to these two wonderful people. I want you to just guide me to the

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right things that you want me to say, the things that you've done for me and the blessings

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that you continuously do throughout my life. Amen.

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So, let's hear all those goodness you have to share with that little prayer face.

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It's so hard to know where to start because of how deep it is, how far back it's gone.

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I guess I'll start with throughout my life and throughout, I would say, the more recent

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of high school kind of area where I started to get to know God a little bit more and dive

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into my relationship with him. Growing up was really difficult. I didn't really have

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much of a support system. Emotionally, my parents are divorced. So the back and forth

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of that and the kind of emotional torment that I went through in those years were really,

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really tough. And I had a lot of passion with my interests, what it had to do with my art

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and painting and photography. And I was learning at the time. And whenever I started high school,

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there was a vocational school that I was really interested in joining. And my parents were

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kind of cautious about that. They didn't want me to quote unquote, like, waste my time there.

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But they didn't do anything wrong. Like, it's fine. It ended up being how it was supposed

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to happen. They had a program there that was called Advertising and Design. And it was

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more of like a graphic design, but they covered all the bases of it, including like the printmaking

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process and photography. I was really interested in that. And they wanted me to shift towards

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something that was more like more had more of like a foundation that I could really lean

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off of and or just take classes. It's high school. So I would be there and spending most

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of my time there. But so they didn't really see much of a future in graphic design, photography,

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and they wanted you to invest in a little bit more time in something they thought was

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going to bear more fruit. Right. Right. And they were just trying to help me. Like they

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weren't being mean or cruel or anything like that. And I'll probably disagree if I ever

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told them if they ever hear this, but it's fine. That's how I remember it. After eventually,

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they did end up being like very, very supportive. And I greatly appreciate that. But it was

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tough. And I am lucky that I am a very stubborn person. And when I see something, I end up

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going for it, rather or not, somebody is there to support me with it. So with that being

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said, I let God kind of guide me in that. And even though I didn't really get it from

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my dad or my parents per se, I had it from God. And that's kind of what drove me to

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learn and succeed in what I have. And with that, I just followed and I listened as much

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as I could as a teenager and being very stubborn and kind of rebellious in that way. I ended

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up winning like awards and stuff and getting college credits. And my professor at the time,

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he forced me to be involved with this club. And I didn't really want to. And he was like,

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no, you're going to do it because you're going to do good at it. So he forced me to

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ended up competing in states for two years in a row for photography. It was a really,

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really fun time. And I learned so much and made so many friendships from those trips.

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It was actually amazing. But from that experience and being there and just listening over the

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years that I was there, he ended up leading me to my career. And with that, I ended up

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going to CCAC because I was trying to, I was trying to be smart about my decisions. I didn't

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want to just go to college and try and figure it out. I didn't really have like financial

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support. I couldn't take out any loans. Like it was a really, really tough time, but I

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had a job that God led me to. I ended up working at Home Depot. I have for the past five years,

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but I started then after around the time that I graduated high school. And it was a job

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that I ended up attaining from a previous ex, but he helped me get the job there. And

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because of that job, God led me to be able to carry myself basically. I learned how to

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deal with people. I learned how to talk to them. I learned how to interact and do work

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with vendors and stuff like that. And with appliances, they ended up putting me in appliances.

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And then as of right now, they can pretty much for the most part throw me where they

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need me. But it wouldn't be without that guidance and that continuous balance that

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God gave me to be able to get through that. Because of that job, I was able to pay for

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all of my CCAC loans up front and in full. I was able to support myself, which I would

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not have been able to if God didn't lead me in that direction. But I knew I wasn't going

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to stay there forever. I'm still there. But I know that that journey is going to be coming

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to an end soon. And I'm very grateful for the friendships that I've made there. And

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for the support that I've gained from being there, because when I was there, the people

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that I was working with, my managers, my supervisors, my coworkers, they were also very supportive

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of the ideas and the thoughts that I had and the challenges that I was facing. They were

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very encouraging and it's something that I've always really appreciated. But a little bit

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of a backtrack to the vocational school that I went to, it was a little bit frustrating

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to go through that. And throughout my life, I've always felt like I needed to have proof

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that I was succeeding in something for people to support me. And it was shown there in vocational

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school. And whenever I started to look for a career in my field in graphic design, it

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happened through whenever I was graduating, it happened through whenever I was trying

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to start my own business for photography, I was discouraged from doing certain things.

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And it actually really scared me to venture out into things that I was unsure about or

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was trying to figure out. But I let God kind of guide me in that. And now I've done so

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many cool and creative things that I never would have done without him pointing people

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out to me to work with or having people introduce me to other people to different jobs. And

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it's really just been a blessing from the people and the friendships that I've made

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from these small jobs that I've done throughout my business.

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I have a question. So you're saying that you are having difficulties accepting validation

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without proof. Yes. So how hard did that make your journey with God? Like, did that reciprocate

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to that area as well? Like, did you feel the need to prove yourself to him, to validate

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why he loves you, why he chose you? And then so how difficult was that?

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In a way, yeah, it really, really was because I had this idea of who I was and I've always

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tried to kind of be a specific kind of person. And I've always questioned if why would God

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want somebody who's not in his idea, in his perfect kind of idea of a person, of a human

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being, what we're supposed to be. And that was really troubling because I'm human, I

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mess up, I learn from it, that's part of life. And it wasn't until I really got close to

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God that I was like, I'm not supposed to be that person, I'm supposed to learn, he loves

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me for who I am, I am the image that he made me in throughout the journey. It wasn't A,

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you're the person that you are now because you're continuously growing. There's a continuation

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of the perfection.

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So when you accepted that, how easy was it to transfer that to the non-Godly side of

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your work and such, you know, to your mundane job? Do you still need to seek validation

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from certain things? Like, do you need to prove yourself to somebody to prove it or

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because you accept God's love, you can say, no, this doesn't matter here or I accept what

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you say or is it a constant battle still?

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It was still a battle. I was still, in that point, I was battling with two sides of myself.

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There was the Christian me, and then there was the people that everybody else see. And

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that realization also kind of hurt because I was like, they should be the same person,

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there shouldn't be a this or a that. I'm still the same person. And having those like,

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in the Hannah Montana double life, like, it was tough because I wanted to be accepted

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by the people that weren't Christians. And so I would act a certain way. And then I wanted

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to be accepted by the people that I was friends with who were in the church, and I had to

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act a certain way. And it was at this battle. And now I don't have that anymore. But it

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was really tough because it like, what do you do in that sense? You kind of lose the

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sense of who you are in that battle. Because no matter which way you look, you're not being

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your true self all the time because you're missing out on the other half of your life.

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It was tough. But I think now God's given me the, I've less of a filter, I guess. But

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and it's not that I don't care. I do care very deeply about people. But I guess their

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opinions of who I am don't really associate with me because they're those person's opinions.

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They're not from God. Not that God can't use people to speak. And yes, I'm always listening.

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But they don't stick to me. Like they used to.

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And that's one thing I found as I got older, you give a lot less cares about what other

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people think of you. You learn that people are more absorbed in their own junk than

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paying attention to you and your stuff, you know, but then you give away that care about

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what other people care, and that gives you more of a freedom to be the true you, you

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know, that God's created you to be. And then you learn that not everybody is here for the

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long haul. Some people do need to be purged, you know, and he prunes as he prunes us,

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he prunes the friends and the people and guides us to the right relationships and gives you

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those connections to growing and new places, new jobs, new adventures.

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And sometimes that pruning hurts because those branches are still alive and we're not ready

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to give them up. God's like, this is where I need you to go. Yeah. And I think self-esteem

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is foolish. I've thought that for many years. We decide who we are based off of what our

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parents poured into us and then what our friends poured into us and what we chose to believe

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out of what they poured into us and what we chose to believe is a lie from what they poured

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into us. And it's not really an adequate self-reflection of who we really are. And so by reading the

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Word, I can learn who I really am and therefore I call it God-esteem. So anyone's opinion

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of me doesn't matter because they didn't make me. They didn't know me and my mother's

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womb. So I could say safely that, you know, just pour it right off of me. You go ahead

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and keep talking, buddy. I don't care.

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That is definitely something I'm really grateful for. My parents was more fond of the idea

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of going to church. I told my parents, and this was like a really, really dark time in

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my life and in my parents' lives as well. Like it was just tough all around. And I was

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talking to my mom the one day. I was like 13 possibly at the time. And I was like, hey,

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I really feel like I need to go to church. And, you know, I brought it up a couple of

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times and we went periodically. But I told my mom, I was like, hey, we start going to

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church or I'm going to start walking there. Like we need to go. Like I, there was just

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a lot of stuff going on at the time.

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When you say dark, how dark do you mean? Like under the mattress dark? Like, you know, midnight

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dark? Like what kind of like how dark was it?

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Well, if I'm going to be that honest, my pap had passed away. It was very, very quick

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and sudden he died of stage four lung cancer. We didn't have like as much time as I would

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have liked to have with him. And I know my mom definitely feels that way. It was her

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dad. I was battling in school. I was getting pretty bullied. Like I didn't really have

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a lot of friends in middle school. This was around that time. So I was struggling at home.

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I was struggling at school. And I decided to tell my mom that I was moving in with my

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dad, which is really heavy due to the fact that my parents are divorced and my dad is

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I love him, but he's not the greatest role model to say the least.

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Same. To give you some input, I only ended up living

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with my dad for about four to five months throughout the school through that school year.

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I was with him for less than a year until I was like, I need to move back with my mom.

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And she drove me to school every single day, even though it was like a half an hour away

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at different districts. It was kind of not legal.

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When you moved with your dad, how soon was that from when your dad passed?

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Not enough time.

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So your mom was reeling from that even. So your mom was like really like double suffering.

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She lost her father. She didn't have a husband. She lost her daughter. That's got to have

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been really rough for you.

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She was with my stepdad, but I know that they were also going through difficult time as

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well. But yeah, it was a dark time all around. Yeah, I was going through it. My mom was definitely

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going through it. And it was also ironically around, I think right before my pap ended

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up passing that I told her that I needed to go to church.

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And unfortunately, I made the decision to move with my dad, but it led me through some

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pretty dark stuff as well.

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So yeah.

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Well, I'm glad that you made the choices that you have made that led you to the road you're

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on now.

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Yeah, me too. Even me both.

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How long did it take when you were going to church and before you decided that this is

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absolutely for me? Not just a phase, not just a fad. This is, I want to choose Jesus, right?

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When did that transformation happen?

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Jesus for life.

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It didn't happen until a few years after. We ended up going to this one church and there

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wasn't much of a youth group, but they were doing their best. It was nice. There were

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some people that I knew from school and we went to this place called Creation. It's

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kind of like a Christian camp. It's like, it's a festival and you camp out and stuff.

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It's pretty cool. It's pretty cool. We had a vending, a vendor thing that we did there.

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We made, we built a coffee shop basically.

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Coffee.

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It was a fun time. But I was kind of just like going through it. You know, I went because

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it made me happy, but I don't think I like, I understood, but there was something that

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like wasn't clicking the way that it was supposed to. There was actually an incident

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that happened there. I've never experienced anything like this, but I was working the

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coffee shop like normal. I was, there was other youth group people around.

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Everything went quiet. I've never, like, I don't know how to explain what happened,

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but everything went quiet and like stopped. And it was only one word that was said, but

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I've hung on it to it till this day, but it was patience. And like everything, it was

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quiet. Like it was a noisy place. There was people around, you know, there's music and

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concerts and everything and people were talking and serving drinks and whatnot and everything

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just like stopped for like a split second and it was just patience. And then it resumed

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and I was like, I will like never forget that that happened. Like that was absolutely nuts.

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But I don't think it was until that moment that it really clicked that I was like, that's

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what they're, maybe that's what they're talking about when God speaks because there's no other

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way for me to explain what happened that day.

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Cause everything just stopped. It was kind of like something out of like a movie. Like

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it was, it was nuts. Everything just stopped for a split second.

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And from that point, which is clearly an experience with God.

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Yeah.

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Did you have a slow rise up from there or did that catapult your faith up?

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It catapulted it for a while and then things always happened like they do. And I fell back

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here and there and everything, but that's kind of where it took off. Like there was

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no other question in my mind after that moment. Like this is real. That happened. I like,

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nobody else could have experienced it. Like I can't prove that that happened.

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Nobody else did experience it. That's incredible.

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Like that was just for you.

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Happened. Sometimes I'm like, was that real? And I was like, no, no, no, that, that was

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real. That happened. So that was like the moment that I had like that realization. And yeah,

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it skyrocketed after that. It was nice for a while.

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Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

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You know, when we talk about, you know, sometimes we don't always keep this accelerated climb

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up. And I like, I worked outdoors in the pipelines. I've walked many hills and valleys and saddles

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and ridges and whatnot. And when you consider that God is on the highest peak, that when

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you climb this little hill, you're closer to that peak in height, but not close to an

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distance and that you inevitably have to go back down into a valley before you climb up

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an even higher hill. And it's going to, your life is going to kind of see saw this way.

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And you're going to have areas your life where it's going to be like a saddle where it's

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a nice easy climb up and you're missing all these downhills.

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But eventually you're going to have to hit one of those ravines. Eventually human nature

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is going to take over and you're going to, you're going to mess up. And I think what

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separates us from the struggling Christians is that we get back up quicker. And a struggling

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Christian doesn't get up because he doesn't feel that he's worthy. And it's not about

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her worth. It's about our calling and the Creator who calls us to that. And he gives

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us these experiences, you know, from healings to words uttered in total peace amidst chaos.

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And with these experiences, we can bolster our relationship with him and we will always

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have something we can call back on and say, I remember that and that was solid and that

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was real and that was organic and that was pure. And nothing the enemy can do to me can

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take that away from me. And I think that is an amazing experience to have. I'm so glad

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you shared that because that like, I don't know, you didn't give me goosebumps, but it

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did like I'm feeling something over it, you know,

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nice little spidey tingle.

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It is. I don't know what is. It's like, it's like a chill, but without a chill, it's,

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you know, 100% believable. I believe 100% that is a gift from God. I believe 100% that

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you have had an experience and I believe 100% that without an experience, it is very, very

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difficult to follow him.

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Yeah. No, that's very true. He's done a few things like that. He'll sprinkle them out

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here and there. But whenever you said that like, it's like a hill, because after that,

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I went through something like another like kind of dark time in my life a few years later,

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is after that where I almost completely ended my life.

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Oh, yeah. And this was not coincidence because obviously it was, it was God. There's no other,

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again, reason for it. But there was a moment where I was, was going to go ahead and do

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it. But my, um, one of my, I don't, I don't think I've ever told him this. I don't think

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I will, but.

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You might be right now if you share it.

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I wonder if he'll know it's him. This was a long time ago, but he would walk to my,

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to my dad's house every now and then and we would hang out. He was a really good friend

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of mine. We would just hang out because he was close. I knew him really well. And it

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was kind of that time in my life where you just show up at somebody's house and hang

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out and whatnot. Hey, are you home? Yeah, sure. Come over. This was kind of like one

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of those things except he didn't call. He just showed up. And I am kind of dumbfounded

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by this, by this, because I was, I was going to do it that day. But my best friend, he

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asked if I was at my dad's house and I was like, yeah, I don't know what time I'm leaving,

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blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, okay, good to know. And then lo and behold,

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a few hours later, he just shows up and it never ended up happening. We ended up getting

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into like a really deep conversation and not talking about that, but like just talking

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about life stuff. And it saved my life once again.

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Have you ever had a conversation with him like that before?

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No. He's not a Christian or anything like that.

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Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. He'll use anybody. That's, that's.

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He impressed upon him a conversation to start with you and that's what he did.

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Yeah. He saved my life. And that's something that I'll never forget and something that

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I've always cherished. He's an awesome guy. Yeah. I wish that I can leave him to God,

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but that's maybe God's using someone else to do that. Maybe, maybe, maybe it's just

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time. Maybe you just need some patience. Yeah. God uses that one on me a lot. It's

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a constant. He gives me the word peace a lot. Nice.

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I'm not a very peaceful person all the time. So clearly it's a lesson and not a good job.

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You're very peaceful. It's not a, not a pat on the back.

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I'd like to think that I've learned some patience over the years. I've been told that I'm very

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patient, but. But when I'm tired and hungry, that goes right out the window. Oh yeah. No,

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that's something that I take from my parents too. We all get hangry and it's when we get

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hangry at the same time, it's a minefield. Yeah. It's a sad story. It's all bad. It's

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a fun time. Oh man. Yeah. Life is a lot about relationships. And you know, like God wants

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that relationship with us. You know, it's not about religion. It's just about getting

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to know Jesus. And you know, when you get to the end of your life, he wants to be able

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to say, well done and good, faithful servant, because you know, then he can welcome you

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in his house. If he doesn't know you, why would he let you live in his house? And, and those

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relationships throughout our lives, better relationships we have. It's just the better

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life. It's all in who you know. We had a pastor as a guest, a friend of mine,

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Pastor John Kent. I'm in his church on a Sabbath church. And he had shared with me

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something that I'd like to share to illuminate how you felt before between trying to please

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your Christian friends and trying to please your non-Christian friends. And he would start

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off by saying that we all wear masks, right? And we wear this mask because we want to impress

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the people so badly because we want to feel accepted and loved. And at a certain point

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with wearing this mask, we start losing who we are as an identity and we start becoming

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very afraid to get rid of the mask because we're afraid it's the mask that the people

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love. And if we lean into God, we have a way out from the mask. You know, I wear masks.

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I'm friendly when I don't want to be because I'm a very introverted person. And as a result,

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my tank gets empty quick and I like to be left alone. And sometimes I'm not. And I put

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on a fake face for happiness and really, I just want to crawl away, right? But for the

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most part, the personality that I present is me. And so I am joyful. I am aloof. I

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am laxidazical. Or I can be methodical. I can be lots of things. But the point is,

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with God, you can shed the mask because you realize that it's not important for the mask

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to be loved because this can be shattered. This is just a thing and it can hurt you so

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bad if you lose that mask. And to start accepting that people are going to love you for who

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you are. And it's just a lie from the enemy that says that they're not going to like you.

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And I know for one from people I've met that the more I got to know them, the more I loved

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to them. And I mean, really know them not like, like, well, they really get a nice mask,

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right? I mean, like, wow, this guy's a hoarder. And he's living like it's got dead rats in

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his house. And man, I love this man so much in that moment. Like it almost made me cry.

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And that's a lot for me to admit. So we might have to edit that part out. And so I'm really

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glad that you had that experience. I'm very glad that you did not end your life. I'm very

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glad that God is so present in your life that you were here at this table with us today.

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And I never talked to you before today, right? My wife talks to you. So I've seen you, church,

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I've seen you walking around the camera with the action shots and stuff. And I'm very glad

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from upon meeting you that you were here. I'm very glad that you were sitting in that

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chair that you have that fridge that you have this apartment like this year. I just love

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you so much. You're just, you're just a perfect person. And I know that you're not, but from

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the standpoint of judging you correctly through the lens of God, you are a perfect person.

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And he is going to be faithful to complete what he has started in you. And you have a

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long journey ahead and you got some valleys ahead, but you also have a lot of peaks. And

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I'm just so happy that she was called to you. My wife was called to you and saw that look

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in your eye.

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I'm so glad.

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I'm just, I'm so glad because you're just a wonderful person.

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Yeah.

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Thank you for that. That was really nice.

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You're welcome. That's my mask. No kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

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No, I understand though. Like it's tough because from a point in my life, like I wanted people

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to get to know me so bad, but I just, I wanted them to like me first. And it was tough to

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remove that because you're right. You are still those qualities of that mask, but you

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don't have to wear the mask as a whole to pretend to be those just adjust to those

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good qualities because there's more to you than just that obvious perfection. Like there's

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other qualities that make you unique to who you are that are still good. It's tough. But

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yeah, it's crazy talking about like, like my mind is always just blown of even like

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recently of the blessings that God has just done. There's like the past blessings. There's

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the continuous and then there's the present that he's doing. And it's just, I'm just,

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I'm waiting. Like he's already done so much recently. And I'm just, I'm just like, what

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are you going to do next? Like I'm, I'm ready dude, but what do you do in next? Cause I'm

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kind of excited.

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You think that's exciting. You need to wrap your brain around the thought of how many

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prayers has he answered that you never had to ask. Right? Like where you are now that

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you things went so smooth that you didn't even know you had to ask a prayer because

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he already took care of you on the way.

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I've had that realization so many times and I've had these conversations with my mom

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and I'm like, mom, like this is really cool. I have to tell you this. You remember when

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I was like, I'm like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.

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And then all of this happened and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting. And then

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like, I didn't even realize that this was going to happen, but it's cool that he taught

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me all of this stuff that I was going to use in the process. Like working at Home Depot.

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All those skills that I use to prepare me for being a graphic designer and using it

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like a like a corporate job and like being able to talk to people like how I am now.

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Like all these different aspects of learning that he's taught me. He's like, yeah, I know

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I'm going to talk the way to use it later because you're going to need it. You might

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not like it in the process, but you're going to need it. So you're going to have to learn.

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And it was a struggle to learn those things. I didn't always like it, but I'm happy that

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I went through it because I learned so much.

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The fruits. They will know. They will know you because of your fruits. What first is

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that?

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I'm also notorious for not memorizing the chapter in first.

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It's a lot of work.

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Well, you know, I cheat and I cite Jesus. And when the devil tempted him, Jesus didn't

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say, Hey, Isaiah wrote down, he said, as it's written or it is written, he didn't say where

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you could find it, just that it was in there. And, you know, obviously they didn't number

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it by chapter and verse when Jesus had read the Torah. And so, so it's an unfair comparison.

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However, I think what's more important is that you know scripture, not necessarily

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where to find it. It could us to you if you can though. If you're, if you have that kind

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of a mind that is able to do that, I would support you 100%. However, there's a lot of

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us like me that have a real difficult time with that chapter in verse. Right. I could

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tell you, Oh, I think that's in John. Where? Oh no. Let's look it up. And I'll look it

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up. I'll Google it right there. I've argued with people and said, Oh, it says this and

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he's like, where am I? Google that real quick. I opened up the Bible right here. And let's

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read before and let's read the Bible after and get some context in it. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

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it starts at the section starts at Matthew 715. But the verse I was thinking of is 16.

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You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from

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thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. Anyway,

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that's where it is. I love Matthew this year. It is. It's come up a lot for her. Nice. Yeah.

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It's everything I'm seeking and finding it's in that book. So, well, it everything's in

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the book. Basic instructions before leaving earth. And it even if you have a white. The

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Bible is so good. Although I think Bible just means book in Greek. Oh, really? And so when

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it says Holy Bible, they just mean Holy book. But I like my acronym nonetheless. So when

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people call it the good book, that's literally the Bible with the good news. Interesting.

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The best news ever. Yes. You're doing plugs for bands now. Oh, man. Well, Hannah, thank

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you so much for coming on with us. Of course. I tell people, don't think you have to cram

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everything into one episode because, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you walk away and you're

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like, oh my gosh, I have to tell them this. Yeah. We'll book you again. Yeah. And I'm

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actually going to start recording like video clips for a church. And if anybody has like

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a really cool story, I want to get it on film. Like short stories here and there to help

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supplement. Like three minutes or less. And then we can share them on social media. And

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then we'll have even more encouragement about God's goodness and modern day miracles. Oh

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my goodness. I got something for that too. Nice. We got so many things to come from this

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because God's goodness is never ending. And we got never ending content with the people

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that God puts in my life. And that's, you know, where this idea came from is just like,

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just talk about it. Well, I'll be here as long as you need me. You keep telling me

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to be. Thank you for that. He's usually the last to know. I'll book it with everybody

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else to make sure it's good with everyone else. Find the location and then show it

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and tell them where to come. I'll send them the, uh, calendar. This is something God

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impressed on her. He didn't impress us on me. So I'm just supporting my wife. That's

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literally all I'm doing here. Just shows up. He'll never listen to an episode, but

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he'll record them. I hate the sound of my own voice. You would never know by how much

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I talk. You could do a podcast. You have a good voice for that. I don't think so though.

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I hear it and I'm like, ooh. So that might be why he doesn't listen to any. Maybe. I

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hear it. I'm like, who's that Bozo? Oh yeah. Well, anyway, thank you so much for being

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with us, Hannah. And everyone, thank you for listening. We hope to the mission is to encourage

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and if you thought of somebody that might be encouraged by this message, we hope or

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any of the podcasts, we hope that you pass it along. And if you'd like to help us on

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our mission, these podcasts, I do not edit the audio. And so we send it out for professional

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editing. So if you want to help us with financing, we have a give send go account under and look

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up a God's goodness podcast and you can help us with that mission. And we would greatly

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appreciate any support with it, whether there be prayers or financial aid. And we'll talk

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to you next time.