Welcome to the God's Goodness podcast, where our mission is to encourage as well as highlight
God's Goodness and modern-day miracles. We are your hosts, Josh and Shelley Hankins.
Today we have with us a special guest. We have Hannah Gray with us. We know her from church
and my bastard come on this episode because the other day I was talking to her and I just
saw her face light up when she thought about what God's Goodness in her life that she could
possibly share. She's been praying over it the last couple of weeks about what she should
share about today. We're going to have her be led by the Holy Spirit and we're going
to ask her to start us off with a little prayer and then we'll go from there.
All right. My name is Hannah. I just want to open up and thank you God for leading me
here and introducing me to these two wonderful people. I want you to just guide me to the
right things that you want me to say, the things that you've done for me and the blessings
that you continuously do throughout my life. Amen.
So, let's hear all those goodness you have to share with that little prayer face.
It's so hard to know where to start because of how deep it is, how far back it's gone.
I guess I'll start with throughout my life and throughout, I would say, the more recent
of high school kind of area where I started to get to know God a little bit more and dive
into my relationship with him. Growing up was really difficult. I didn't really have
much of a support system. Emotionally, my parents are divorced. So the back and forth
of that and the kind of emotional torment that I went through in those years were really,
really tough. And I had a lot of passion with my interests, what it had to do with my art
and painting and photography. And I was learning at the time. And whenever I started high school,
there was a vocational school that I was really interested in joining. And my parents were
kind of cautious about that. They didn't want me to quote unquote, like, waste my time there.
But they didn't do anything wrong. Like, it's fine. It ended up being how it was supposed
to happen. They had a program there that was called Advertising and Design. And it was
more of like a graphic design, but they covered all the bases of it, including like the printmaking
process and photography. I was really interested in that. And they wanted me to shift towards
something that was more like more had more of like a foundation that I could really lean
off of and or just take classes. It's high school. So I would be there and spending most
of my time there. But so they didn't really see much of a future in graphic design, photography,
and they wanted you to invest in a little bit more time in something they thought was
going to bear more fruit. Right. Right. And they were just trying to help me. Like they
weren't being mean or cruel or anything like that. And I'll probably disagree if I ever
told them if they ever hear this, but it's fine. That's how I remember it. After eventually,
they did end up being like very, very supportive. And I greatly appreciate that. But it was
tough. And I am lucky that I am a very stubborn person. And when I see something, I end up
going for it, rather or not, somebody is there to support me with it. So with that being
said, I let God kind of guide me in that. And even though I didn't really get it from
my dad or my parents per se, I had it from God. And that's kind of what drove me to
learn and succeed in what I have. And with that, I just followed and I listened as much
as I could as a teenager and being very stubborn and kind of rebellious in that way. I ended
up winning like awards and stuff and getting college credits. And my professor at the time,
he forced me to be involved with this club. And I didn't really want to. And he was like,
no, you're going to do it because you're going to do good at it. So he forced me to
ended up competing in states for two years in a row for photography. It was a really,
really fun time. And I learned so much and made so many friendships from those trips.
It was actually amazing. But from that experience and being there and just listening over the
years that I was there, he ended up leading me to my career. And with that, I ended up
going to CCAC because I was trying to, I was trying to be smart about my decisions. I didn't
want to just go to college and try and figure it out. I didn't really have like financial
support. I couldn't take out any loans. Like it was a really, really tough time, but I
had a job that God led me to. I ended up working at Home Depot. I have for the past five years,
but I started then after around the time that I graduated high school. And it was a job
that I ended up attaining from a previous ex, but he helped me get the job there. And
because of that job, God led me to be able to carry myself basically. I learned how to
deal with people. I learned how to talk to them. I learned how to interact and do work
with vendors and stuff like that. And with appliances, they ended up putting me in appliances.
And then as of right now, they can pretty much for the most part throw me where they
need me. But it wouldn't be without that guidance and that continuous balance that
God gave me to be able to get through that. Because of that job, I was able to pay for
all of my CCAC loans up front and in full. I was able to support myself, which I would
not have been able to if God didn't lead me in that direction. But I knew I wasn't going
to stay there forever. I'm still there. But I know that that journey is going to be coming
to an end soon. And I'm very grateful for the friendships that I've made there. And
for the support that I've gained from being there, because when I was there, the people
that I was working with, my managers, my supervisors, my coworkers, they were also very supportive
of the ideas and the thoughts that I had and the challenges that I was facing. They were
very encouraging and it's something that I've always really appreciated. But a little bit
of a backtrack to the vocational school that I went to, it was a little bit frustrating
to go through that. And throughout my life, I've always felt like I needed to have proof
that I was succeeding in something for people to support me. And it was shown there in vocational
school. And whenever I started to look for a career in my field in graphic design, it
happened through whenever I was graduating, it happened through whenever I was trying
to start my own business for photography, I was discouraged from doing certain things.
And it actually really scared me to venture out into things that I was unsure about or
was trying to figure out. But I let God kind of guide me in that. And now I've done so
many cool and creative things that I never would have done without him pointing people
out to me to work with or having people introduce me to other people to different jobs. And
it's really just been a blessing from the people and the friendships that I've made
from these small jobs that I've done throughout my business.
I have a question. So you're saying that you are having difficulties accepting validation
without proof. Yes. So how hard did that make your journey with God? Like, did that reciprocate
to that area as well? Like, did you feel the need to prove yourself to him, to validate
why he loves you, why he chose you? And then so how difficult was that?
In a way, yeah, it really, really was because I had this idea of who I was and I've always
tried to kind of be a specific kind of person. And I've always questioned if why would God
want somebody who's not in his idea, in his perfect kind of idea of a person, of a human
being, what we're supposed to be. And that was really troubling because I'm human, I
mess up, I learn from it, that's part of life. And it wasn't until I really got close to
God that I was like, I'm not supposed to be that person, I'm supposed to learn, he loves
me for who I am, I am the image that he made me in throughout the journey. It wasn't A,
you're the person that you are now because you're continuously growing. There's a continuation
of the perfection.
So when you accepted that, how easy was it to transfer that to the non-Godly side of
your work and such, you know, to your mundane job? Do you still need to seek validation
from certain things? Like, do you need to prove yourself to somebody to prove it or
because you accept God's love, you can say, no, this doesn't matter here or I accept what
you say or is it a constant battle still?
It was still a battle. I was still, in that point, I was battling with two sides of myself.
There was the Christian me, and then there was the people that everybody else see. And
that realization also kind of hurt because I was like, they should be the same person,
there shouldn't be a this or a that. I'm still the same person. And having those like,
in the Hannah Montana double life, like, it was tough because I wanted to be accepted
by the people that weren't Christians. And so I would act a certain way. And then I wanted
to be accepted by the people that I was friends with who were in the church, and I had to
act a certain way. And it was at this battle. And now I don't have that anymore. But it
was really tough because it like, what do you do in that sense? You kind of lose the
sense of who you are in that battle. Because no matter which way you look, you're not being
your true self all the time because you're missing out on the other half of your life.
It was tough. But I think now God's given me the, I've less of a filter, I guess. But
and it's not that I don't care. I do care very deeply about people. But I guess their
opinions of who I am don't really associate with me because they're those person's opinions.
They're not from God. Not that God can't use people to speak. And yes, I'm always listening.
But they don't stick to me. Like they used to.
And that's one thing I found as I got older, you give a lot less cares about what other
people think of you. You learn that people are more absorbed in their own junk than
paying attention to you and your stuff, you know, but then you give away that care about
what other people care, and that gives you more of a freedom to be the true you, you
know, that God's created you to be. And then you learn that not everybody is here for the
long haul. Some people do need to be purged, you know, and he prunes as he prunes us,
he prunes the friends and the people and guides us to the right relationships and gives you
those connections to growing and new places, new jobs, new adventures.
And sometimes that pruning hurts because those branches are still alive and we're not ready
to give them up. God's like, this is where I need you to go. Yeah. And I think self-esteem
is foolish. I've thought that for many years. We decide who we are based off of what our
parents poured into us and then what our friends poured into us and what we chose to believe
out of what they poured into us and what we chose to believe is a lie from what they poured
into us. And it's not really an adequate self-reflection of who we really are. And so by reading the
Word, I can learn who I really am and therefore I call it God-esteem. So anyone's opinion
of me doesn't matter because they didn't make me. They didn't know me and my mother's
womb. So I could say safely that, you know, just pour it right off of me. You go ahead
and keep talking, buddy. I don't care.
That is definitely something I'm really grateful for. My parents was more fond of the idea
of going to church. I told my parents, and this was like a really, really dark time in
my life and in my parents' lives as well. Like it was just tough all around. And I was
talking to my mom the one day. I was like 13 possibly at the time. And I was like, hey,
I really feel like I need to go to church. And, you know, I brought it up a couple of
times and we went periodically. But I told my mom, I was like, hey, we start going to
church or I'm going to start walking there. Like we need to go. Like I, there was just
a lot of stuff going on at the time.
When you say dark, how dark do you mean? Like under the mattress dark? Like, you know, midnight
dark? Like what kind of like how dark was it?
Well, if I'm going to be that honest, my pap had passed away. It was very, very quick
and sudden he died of stage four lung cancer. We didn't have like as much time as I would
have liked to have with him. And I know my mom definitely feels that way. It was her
dad. I was battling in school. I was getting pretty bullied. Like I didn't really have
a lot of friends in middle school. This was around that time. So I was struggling at home.
I was struggling at school. And I decided to tell my mom that I was moving in with my
dad, which is really heavy due to the fact that my parents are divorced and my dad is
I love him, but he's not the greatest role model to say the least.
Same. To give you some input, I only ended up living
with my dad for about four to five months throughout the school through that school year.
I was with him for less than a year until I was like, I need to move back with my mom.
And she drove me to school every single day, even though it was like a half an hour away
at different districts. It was kind of not legal.
When you moved with your dad, how soon was that from when your dad passed?
Not enough time.
So your mom was reeling from that even. So your mom was like really like double suffering.
She lost her father. She didn't have a husband. She lost her daughter. That's got to have
been really rough for you.
She was with my stepdad, but I know that they were also going through difficult time as
well. But yeah, it was a dark time all around. Yeah, I was going through it. My mom was definitely
going through it. And it was also ironically around, I think right before my pap ended
up passing that I told her that I needed to go to church.
And unfortunately, I made the decision to move with my dad, but it led me through some
pretty dark stuff as well.
So yeah.
Well, I'm glad that you made the choices that you have made that led you to the road you're
on now.
Yeah, me too. Even me both.
How long did it take when you were going to church and before you decided that this is
absolutely for me? Not just a phase, not just a fad. This is, I want to choose Jesus, right?
When did that transformation happen?
Jesus for life.
It didn't happen until a few years after. We ended up going to this one church and there
wasn't much of a youth group, but they were doing their best. It was nice. There were
some people that I knew from school and we went to this place called Creation. It's
kind of like a Christian camp. It's like, it's a festival and you camp out and stuff.
It's pretty cool. It's pretty cool. We had a vending, a vendor thing that we did there.
We made, we built a coffee shop basically.
Coffee.
It was a fun time. But I was kind of just like going through it. You know, I went because
it made me happy, but I don't think I like, I understood, but there was something that
like wasn't clicking the way that it was supposed to. There was actually an incident
that happened there. I've never experienced anything like this, but I was working the
coffee shop like normal. I was, there was other youth group people around.
Everything went quiet. I've never, like, I don't know how to explain what happened,
but everything went quiet and like stopped. And it was only one word that was said, but
I've hung on it to it till this day, but it was patience. And like everything, it was
quiet. Like it was a noisy place. There was people around, you know, there's music and
concerts and everything and people were talking and serving drinks and whatnot and everything
just like stopped for like a split second and it was just patience. And then it resumed
and I was like, I will like never forget that that happened. Like that was absolutely nuts.
But I don't think it was until that moment that it really clicked that I was like, that's
what they're, maybe that's what they're talking about when God speaks because there's no other
way for me to explain what happened that day.
Cause everything just stopped. It was kind of like something out of like a movie. Like
it was, it was nuts. Everything just stopped for a split second.
And from that point, which is clearly an experience with God.
Yeah.
Did you have a slow rise up from there or did that catapult your faith up?
It catapulted it for a while and then things always happened like they do. And I fell back
here and there and everything, but that's kind of where it took off. Like there was
no other question in my mind after that moment. Like this is real. That happened. I like,
nobody else could have experienced it. Like I can't prove that that happened.
Nobody else did experience it. That's incredible.
Like that was just for you.
Happened. Sometimes I'm like, was that real? And I was like, no, no, no, that, that was
real. That happened. So that was like the moment that I had like that realization. And yeah,
it skyrocketed after that. It was nice for a while.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
You know, when we talk about, you know, sometimes we don't always keep this accelerated climb
up. And I like, I worked outdoors in the pipelines. I've walked many hills and valleys and saddles
and ridges and whatnot. And when you consider that God is on the highest peak, that when
you climb this little hill, you're closer to that peak in height, but not close to an
distance and that you inevitably have to go back down into a valley before you climb up
an even higher hill. And it's going to, your life is going to kind of see saw this way.
And you're going to have areas your life where it's going to be like a saddle where it's
a nice easy climb up and you're missing all these downhills.
But eventually you're going to have to hit one of those ravines. Eventually human nature
is going to take over and you're going to, you're going to mess up. And I think what
separates us from the struggling Christians is that we get back up quicker. And a struggling
Christian doesn't get up because he doesn't feel that he's worthy. And it's not about
her worth. It's about our calling and the Creator who calls us to that. And he gives
us these experiences, you know, from healings to words uttered in total peace amidst chaos.
And with these experiences, we can bolster our relationship with him and we will always
have something we can call back on and say, I remember that and that was solid and that
was real and that was organic and that was pure. And nothing the enemy can do to me can
take that away from me. And I think that is an amazing experience to have. I'm so glad
you shared that because that like, I don't know, you didn't give me goosebumps, but it
did like I'm feeling something over it, you know,
nice little spidey tingle.
It is. I don't know what is. It's like, it's like a chill, but without a chill, it's,
you know, 100% believable. I believe 100% that is a gift from God. I believe 100% that
you have had an experience and I believe 100% that without an experience, it is very, very
difficult to follow him.
Yeah. No, that's very true. He's done a few things like that. He'll sprinkle them out
here and there. But whenever you said that like, it's like a hill, because after that,
I went through something like another like kind of dark time in my life a few years later,
is after that where I almost completely ended my life.
Oh, yeah. And this was not coincidence because obviously it was, it was God. There's no other,
again, reason for it. But there was a moment where I was, was going to go ahead and do
it. But my, um, one of my, I don't, I don't think I've ever told him this. I don't think
I will, but.
You might be right now if you share it.
I wonder if he'll know it's him. This was a long time ago, but he would walk to my,
to my dad's house every now and then and we would hang out. He was a really good friend
of mine. We would just hang out because he was close. I knew him really well. And it
was kind of that time in my life where you just show up at somebody's house and hang
out and whatnot. Hey, are you home? Yeah, sure. Come over. This was kind of like one
of those things except he didn't call. He just showed up. And I am kind of dumbfounded
by this, by this, because I was, I was going to do it that day. But my best friend, he
asked if I was at my dad's house and I was like, yeah, I don't know what time I'm leaving,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, okay, good to know. And then lo and behold,
a few hours later, he just shows up and it never ended up happening. We ended up getting
into like a really deep conversation and not talking about that, but like just talking
about life stuff. And it saved my life once again.
Have you ever had a conversation with him like that before?
No. He's not a Christian or anything like that.
Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. He'll use anybody. That's, that's.
He impressed upon him a conversation to start with you and that's what he did.
Yeah. He saved my life. And that's something that I'll never forget and something that
I've always cherished. He's an awesome guy. Yeah. I wish that I can leave him to God,
but that's maybe God's using someone else to do that. Maybe, maybe, maybe it's just
time. Maybe you just need some patience. Yeah. God uses that one on me a lot. It's
a constant. He gives me the word peace a lot. Nice.
I'm not a very peaceful person all the time. So clearly it's a lesson and not a good job.
You're very peaceful. It's not a, not a pat on the back.
I'd like to think that I've learned some patience over the years. I've been told that I'm very
patient, but. But when I'm tired and hungry, that goes right out the window. Oh yeah. No,
that's something that I take from my parents too. We all get hangry and it's when we get
hangry at the same time, it's a minefield. Yeah. It's a sad story. It's all bad. It's
a fun time. Oh man. Yeah. Life is a lot about relationships. And you know, like God wants
that relationship with us. You know, it's not about religion. It's just about getting
to know Jesus. And you know, when you get to the end of your life, he wants to be able
to say, well done and good, faithful servant, because you know, then he can welcome you
in his house. If he doesn't know you, why would he let you live in his house? And, and those
relationships throughout our lives, better relationships we have. It's just the better
life. It's all in who you know. We had a pastor as a guest, a friend of mine,
Pastor John Kent. I'm in his church on a Sabbath church. And he had shared with me
something that I'd like to share to illuminate how you felt before between trying to please
your Christian friends and trying to please your non-Christian friends. And he would start
off by saying that we all wear masks, right? And we wear this mask because we want to impress
the people so badly because we want to feel accepted and loved. And at a certain point
with wearing this mask, we start losing who we are as an identity and we start becoming
very afraid to get rid of the mask because we're afraid it's the mask that the people
love. And if we lean into God, we have a way out from the mask. You know, I wear masks.
I'm friendly when I don't want to be because I'm a very introverted person. And as a result,
my tank gets empty quick and I like to be left alone. And sometimes I'm not. And I put
on a fake face for happiness and really, I just want to crawl away, right? But for the
most part, the personality that I present is me. And so I am joyful. I am aloof. I
am laxidazical. Or I can be methodical. I can be lots of things. But the point is,
with God, you can shed the mask because you realize that it's not important for the mask
to be loved because this can be shattered. This is just a thing and it can hurt you so
bad if you lose that mask. And to start accepting that people are going to love you for who
you are. And it's just a lie from the enemy that says that they're not going to like you.
And I know for one from people I've met that the more I got to know them, the more I loved
to them. And I mean, really know them not like, like, well, they really get a nice mask,
right? I mean, like, wow, this guy's a hoarder. And he's living like it's got dead rats in
his house. And man, I love this man so much in that moment. Like it almost made me cry.
And that's a lot for me to admit. So we might have to edit that part out. And so I'm really
glad that you had that experience. I'm very glad that you did not end your life. I'm very
glad that God is so present in your life that you were here at this table with us today.
And I never talked to you before today, right? My wife talks to you. So I've seen you, church,
I've seen you walking around the camera with the action shots and stuff. And I'm very glad
from upon meeting you that you were here. I'm very glad that you were sitting in that
chair that you have that fridge that you have this apartment like this year. I just love
you so much. You're just, you're just a perfect person. And I know that you're not, but from
the standpoint of judging you correctly through the lens of God, you are a perfect person.
And he is going to be faithful to complete what he has started in you. And you have a
long journey ahead and you got some valleys ahead, but you also have a lot of peaks. And
I'm just so happy that she was called to you. My wife was called to you and saw that look
in your eye.
I'm so glad.
I'm just, I'm so glad because you're just a wonderful person.
Yeah.
Thank you for that. That was really nice.
You're welcome. That's my mask. No kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
No, I understand though. Like it's tough because from a point in my life, like I wanted people
to get to know me so bad, but I just, I wanted them to like me first. And it was tough to
remove that because you're right. You are still those qualities of that mask, but you
don't have to wear the mask as a whole to pretend to be those just adjust to those
good qualities because there's more to you than just that obvious perfection. Like there's
other qualities that make you unique to who you are that are still good. It's tough. But
yeah, it's crazy talking about like, like my mind is always just blown of even like
recently of the blessings that God has just done. There's like the past blessings. There's
the continuous and then there's the present that he's doing. And it's just, I'm just,
I'm waiting. Like he's already done so much recently. And I'm just, I'm just like, what
are you going to do next? Like I'm, I'm ready dude, but what do you do in next? Cause I'm
kind of excited.
You think that's exciting. You need to wrap your brain around the thought of how many
prayers has he answered that you never had to ask. Right? Like where you are now that
you things went so smooth that you didn't even know you had to ask a prayer because
he already took care of you on the way.
I've had that realization so many times and I've had these conversations with my mom
and I'm like, mom, like this is really cool. I have to tell you this. You remember when
I was like, I'm like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.
And then all of this happened and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting. And then
like, I didn't even realize that this was going to happen, but it's cool that he taught
me all of this stuff that I was going to use in the process. Like working at Home Depot.
All those skills that I use to prepare me for being a graphic designer and using it
like a like a corporate job and like being able to talk to people like how I am now.
Like all these different aspects of learning that he's taught me. He's like, yeah, I know
I'm going to talk the way to use it later because you're going to need it. You might
not like it in the process, but you're going to need it. So you're going to have to learn.
And it was a struggle to learn those things. I didn't always like it, but I'm happy that
I went through it because I learned so much.
The fruits. They will know. They will know you because of your fruits. What first is
that?
I'm also notorious for not memorizing the chapter in first.
It's a lot of work.
Well, you know, I cheat and I cite Jesus. And when the devil tempted him, Jesus didn't
say, Hey, Isaiah wrote down, he said, as it's written or it is written, he didn't say where
you could find it, just that it was in there. And, you know, obviously they didn't number
it by chapter and verse when Jesus had read the Torah. And so, so it's an unfair comparison.
However, I think what's more important is that you know scripture, not necessarily
where to find it. It could us to you if you can though. If you're, if you have that kind
of a mind that is able to do that, I would support you 100%. However, there's a lot of
us like me that have a real difficult time with that chapter in verse. Right. I could
tell you, Oh, I think that's in John. Where? Oh no. Let's look it up. And I'll look it
up. I'll Google it right there. I've argued with people and said, Oh, it says this and
he's like, where am I? Google that real quick. I opened up the Bible right here. And let's
read before and let's read the Bible after and get some context in it. Yeah. Yeah. Well,
it starts at the section starts at Matthew 715. But the verse I was thinking of is 16.
You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from
thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. Anyway,
that's where it is. I love Matthew this year. It is. It's come up a lot for her. Nice. Yeah.
It's everything I'm seeking and finding it's in that book. So, well, it everything's in
the book. Basic instructions before leaving earth. And it even if you have a white. The
Bible is so good. Although I think Bible just means book in Greek. Oh, really? And so when
it says Holy Bible, they just mean Holy book. But I like my acronym nonetheless. So when
people call it the good book, that's literally the Bible with the good news. Interesting.
The best news ever. Yes. You're doing plugs for bands now. Oh, man. Well, Hannah, thank
you so much for coming on with us. Of course. I tell people, don't think you have to cram
everything into one episode because, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you walk away and you're
like, oh my gosh, I have to tell them this. Yeah. We'll book you again. Yeah. And I'm
actually going to start recording like video clips for a church. And if anybody has like
a really cool story, I want to get it on film. Like short stories here and there to help
supplement. Like three minutes or less. And then we can share them on social media. And
then we'll have even more encouragement about God's goodness and modern day miracles. Oh
my goodness. I got something for that too. Nice. We got so many things to come from this
because God's goodness is never ending. And we got never ending content with the people
that God puts in my life. And that's, you know, where this idea came from is just like,
just talk about it. Well, I'll be here as long as you need me. You keep telling me
to be. Thank you for that. He's usually the last to know. I'll book it with everybody
else to make sure it's good with everyone else. Find the location and then show it
and tell them where to come. I'll send them the, uh, calendar. This is something God
impressed on her. He didn't impress us on me. So I'm just supporting my wife. That's
literally all I'm doing here. Just shows up. He'll never listen to an episode, but
he'll record them. I hate the sound of my own voice. You would never know by how much
I talk. You could do a podcast. You have a good voice for that. I don't think so though.
I hear it and I'm like, ooh. So that might be why he doesn't listen to any. Maybe. I
hear it. I'm like, who's that Bozo? Oh yeah. Well, anyway, thank you so much for being
with us, Hannah. And everyone, thank you for listening. We hope to the mission is to encourage
and if you thought of somebody that might be encouraged by this message, we hope or
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to you next time.