Hi, and welcome to the In the Cortex podcast.
We are your hosts.
I'm Paloma Garcia.
And I am Dani Pericone.
And we're the founders of In the Cortex, an online community with programs that show people
the tools that they need to change their lives through brain reorganization.
No medication, just movement.
When you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate your nervous system, you start
to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the cortex.
Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the cortex life.
And now on to today's episode.
All right.
Welcome back to another episode.
We are so excited today to talk about honoring our kids.
And this is really near and dear to our hearts because, first of all, we love kids and we
want more kids to just love being in that space of being allowed to be kids.
And we have our amazing nurtured parenting through brain reorganization program going
on with Dr. Greg Hershombaum.
So it's really like a topic we've been talking heavily about.
And we've got our WhatsApp groups going off and parents asking questions.
And our next module, parents don't know this yet, 100%.
I guess they do.
We're bringing kids on board.
And so Paloma and I really want to make sure that families see honoring from our perspective.
And we want to share that in today's podcast.
We're going to bring in lots of information, studies and all sorts of different fun things.
And essentially our take, as always, on how to honor kids so that way you're living your
best lives.
And, you know, we just.
Yeah.
So let's get the conversation started, Paloma.
Well, I feel like the conversation started because we were thinking about like we were
putting some stuff into the program and like, how are we going to help parents understand
how to motivate their kids?
And that if you're a parent or if you're a teacher, if you've worked with kids, you know
that question.
You've asked yourself that probably many, many times.
And motivating kids like motivating adults is very complex, right?
Because there's so much going on.
And so we found a few studies in like this really interesting article about how traditional
motivation systems don't really work.
And that's why we're always seeking more.
That's why we're always looking for something else.
Right.
And so, for example, I think something that we could just get straight into a baby girl
like parents and teachers.
We always want to find a way to get some, give the kids something else in exchange for
doing the thing that we want them to do.
Right.
Yeah.
And I think a lot of influencers that talk about motivating yourself to work out and lose
weight and improve your habits and stuff, they always say that kind of stuff.
Right.
Like, what are you motivating yourself with?
And so the ultimate point of this is that the motivation has to be intrinsic.
It has to come from within.
Then it has to be natural.
Right.
And so when we're putting so many shiny objects around the kid or the person that we're trying
to put, we're going to talk about kids mostly right now, but we're giving so much more value
to the thing that they're getting, not the thing that they're doing.
Right?
So it's like, clean your room.
And if after you clean your room, five days in a row, you get to watch a movie or you
get a video game or whatever it is.
And so the kid's not cleaning their room to clean their room, to build a new habit because
something that's good for their brain and for their mind and for their cleanliness and
for whatever they're doing because they just want the toy.
And so you just completely strip.
It's like you strip meaning from the things that you're actually wanting them to do.
And we start to put the value only on the other things.
Right.
On the things that they're getting from it.
A hundred percent.
And I am guilty of this.
Just like any everybody has ever walked the earth is guilty of this because we're human
and we hit our point of like, I'm tired and I know I need to get this done and I need
your compliance and I need you to just do it.
And I will attach that shiny, fun thing unto a lot of things.
But the difference is of what we're working to accomplish, at least in my home, is really
helping my kids understand the why.
And I think when you can help them understand why do we want a clean room, why do we want
to brush our teeth every day, why do we have to do certain things like practice reading,
then they start to start understanding the process.
Yes.
And sometimes motivators come in then and can be helpful, right?
Because we also need, right, dopamine, that motivating hormone to keep us going and keep
wanting more to get a little like refreshment.
Right.
And so for the space that I come from is really talking to my kids almost incessantly about
like the process of everything of like, why do we do this?
And when I have clarity in it, then they have clarity in it.
Yep.
And it's not just because I said so.
And I think if we fall, and this is not to shame any parents, our goal here is to help
you have more tools, more resources to just see things differently.
Yeah, and to find that balance.
And to find the balance and to grow your relationship with your kid.
Because if you can remember back, why did you become a parent in the first place?
Why did you become a teacher in the first place?
What did you really want to do?
You wanted to enrich your lives.
You wanted to grow connection and you wanted to just find more meaning.
But if we get ourselves so caught up in the mundane and having to do these little tasks
and then they turn into meltdowns and it's just like, yes, I hate this.
Why did I make this choice?
Right.
Yeah.
So our goal here is to help you reframe this process and to help you learn how to motivate
your kids from a very intrinsic space.
So they want to do what we're asking them to do.
Yeah.
Honoring that effort.
Right.
We're honoring.
And that's really what the whole point of this podcast is.
Right.
Is honoring, not getting them to do things, not checking it off your list or their list
or getting out the door faster.
Of course, those things are important and those things come when you start to honor
their efforts and honor the wonderful things that they do because kids are amazing.
And so it's about catching them being good and showing them what that means.
Right.
I mean, I'm saying catching them being good, whatever good means for you, right?
Whatever good is like you're trying to accomplish.
And showing them what that looks like and what it looks like in you and what they could
look like in them.
Right.
So I think, for example, one thing is like understanding.
I mean, you know your kids better than anybody, you know?
And you know your students, if you're connected to your students, you know them really well.
You know what they like, what they don't, what the personalities are.
And understanding, for example, what needs are they trying to get met when they are avoiding
something, when they're putting it off, when they're not getting it or like when they're,
you know, we put these labels on kids like, oh, he doesn't pay attention.
He's lazy.
He's this and that.
When really, I mean, kids are just so transparent.
That's the cool thing about kids.
That's why we love them.
They're so genuine, right?
They're always going to show you what's going on.
And it's just about digging a little bit.
Right.
So like, for example, on Friday I had this thing here in Mexico.
It was Dia del Niño, Kids Day, like National Kids Day.
And so on Friday I had like a little like bizarre thingy and I did like some movement
breaks with the kids.
It was super fun and silly.
Then there was one kid who was just nodded to him.
He's like, oh, this is so boring.
This is for babies.
Like for all the activities, right?
They were reading a book, they were coloring some stuff.
I will say maybe it wasn't the most exciting thing he's ever done in his life, but you
know.
And I noticed and he was just like talking to his mom, like, this is for babies.
They don't like this, blah, blah.
And she was struggling so much because she had another kid with him with her.
And so I was like, OK, what is this kid?
I could tell he was really like smart and like because he was saying some things that
he was like talking about this book that he was reading.
And I was like, OK, you're young to be reading that, but OK.
And so I was like, OK, he wants to feel seen.
He wants to feel valued.
He wants to feel like he has a place in this group of like 25 kids that he's never seen
before.
Right.
And the other ones are just like finding their own place.
He can't find his place yet.
So I said, hey, I really need some help.
Are you are you available?
And he was like, yeah, 100 percent.
Right.
And so I got I have these like little foam thingies for for the sessions that I'm doing
for when they're crawling.
Right.
They're like the typical little like preschool, like squares that it's like different colors
and they have like those thingies.
And I was like, I really need you to count these.
Tell me what color it is and what shapes are in there.
And like kind of like help me categorize them.
You seven.
He it was the best thing in his life.
Like he was really so on it.
He was like, OK, sure, I'm going to set up over here.
And he set up a little station and he had a purpose and he was seen.
I was I realized I was the person who was guiding some of the movements and doing these
things and I wasn't really seeing him.
I was seeing a group of kids.
Right.
And I was like, OK, that was me.
Like I had to look at him and say, OK, he needs a different kind of attention.
And that's true.
Like some kids are fine with getting the group attention.
Some people in general, like depends on your personality, depends on your brain.
He needed to feel like he had a purpose that day and that he like that I could tell her
that the people who were running the program could tell that he like had value and meaning
to his life.
And so it was so cute.
He like got it and he was like wrote it down on this paper all over the place.
It was like, I mean, he was seven.
Right.
Like he was literally he couldn't stop talking about it.
He was telling his mom, yeah, I did this my project.
And then his dad came to pick up and he was like, yeah, my project and this and that.
And like it was the cutest thing ever.
Right.
And so why is it cute?
Because you're giving the kid space to be himself.
And so now he's not disrupting.
Now he's not melting on his mom.
Now he's not saying it's so boring and blah, blah, blah.
He's like, cool.
And then he went back and he participated in all the rest of the activities for the
other two hours.
I love that.
You hit something so critical.
And I think this is where when we're looking at motivation and we're looking at how do
I get to get myself to do certain things that I know I need?
But why am I not doing it?
Right.
There's so many different angles and nuances to this whole thing, but ultimately boils
down to what need is getting met.
Right.
So when we look at the parent, what need are you getting met by asking your children to
do certain things?
And what is your why?
OK.
Being really clear on that.
And then asking like, what is your kids need?
Right.
And so helping them understand their needs.
And so this is where you have those conversations.
And this is what we were just talking about before the podcast was how so many of us avoid
looking at the emotional need to be met.
And we're so afraid to talk about it.
Yes.
We avoid it.
And then we're all just sitting here with like our shoulders shrugged up like, I don't
know.
I don't know what to do.
And a kid with a disorganized brain, just like a parent, if they don't have certainty
from their leader, their parent, their caregiver, they're out of there.
And you are not capable of leading me to where I need to go.
And they feel that.
Right.
And that's a survival mechanism.
It is.
You can't trust the person, your leader.
Right.
You're going to leave the pack.
You're out.
You're going to leave the pack.
I can't figure this out on my own.
Right.
And that's very dangerous and a very survival situation to leave the pack.
But if it's so strong, right, that's where we see people like kids.
I did this too.
I threatened to run away from home and I wasn't happy with certain things.
And then you get to the end of the drive and you're like, that was a real bad choice.
I don't really like to handle this world.
I'm literally four years old.
Yeah.
You need to go back into like, okay, maybe I'll rationalize and reason with this person.
Yeah.
But ultimately it's because you felt like they weren't meeting your need.
Right.
And, and I, my kids just said this to me their day was last week and I was kind of, I was
at my point.
I was like, okay, I'm having my human moment.
I tell this to my kids all the time.
I'm being a human.
I'm tired.
I'm, I've got a lot going on in my mind right now.
I just really need some support from you guys just to do what you need to do.
I asked you to do this, this and this.
And then my daughter who's five turns around, she goes, but you're the adult.
We're not supposed to take care of you.
I said, very good point.
I'm not asking you to take care of me.
I'm asking you to take care of yourself, which would in turn help me.
And so she's like, huh, okay.
And you know, so she just has these really deep thoughts of like, wait, what's the hierarchy
here?
And then suddenly she's like, wait, you're supposed to help me with my needs.
And I'm like, right.
But my job as a parent is to help you become independent, not dependent on me and have
this codependency stuff that we're all still working through.
We talked about in a couple of episodes back, but like becoming independent.
So when you go out into this world, you can manage and handle whatever comes your way.
And you know, you're still going to need support.
You're not done, but you at least have the idea of like, okay, I can feel my emotions.
When my mom asked me to do this, I initially want to feel angry about it because, and then
we talk about it or I feel frustrated because it's hard for me and I don't know how to do
it.
And they're like, okay, now we need to help them.
So the goal here is looking at the needs and looking at your emotional needs attached to
that.
And it's like, let's open up that conversation.
So for me at home, it's where I look at when me and my kids are doing stuff.
And it's funny because doing this work has really taken me to a place of, I used to come
from this space because I think this is what society does is just because I said so I'm
an adult do it because I said so.
And so your kids, when you're a kid, you just do things and you're sitting there going like,
why the heck am I doing this right now?
Yeah, totally.
And you don't understand the why.
And then you just start to transfer that into now when you're an adult, you tell that to
your kids.
And so that's the cycle, right?
So we're trying to break that so we can have more compliance and harmony at home and start
looking at this.
This was the first time I started realizing like, I'm asking my kids to do things that
I can't do.
Like, I can't stay calm all the time.
What is that?
Well, we always say that, right?
We have these expectations for kids that they have to be these tiny little robots that listen
to everything and do everything that we want them to do.
And they're quiet and they're cute and they're whatever.
It's like, no, why do we have this?
Why do we expect that from a literal three year old?
You know, right.
And it's like they're human and we can't even do that all the time.
So that's our first thing is really looking at what are you asking your kids to do?
Can you do it?
And so many times our parents will come to us and they're like, oh, my kids, they're
fighting the brain work.
And we just ask a simple question.
How do you feel about the brain?
And then they go, well, I internally fight it.
Like I know I need to do it, but I don't know why I can't do it.
And it's so crazy how much our systems resist things that are so needed and good for them.
Everyone can relate to that.
You know, you're supposed to go eat healthy, do exercise, but you just don't want to do
it.
You're like, no.
And there's like internal battle of like, I will not do it.
So our kids do the same freaking thing, right?
They're like, exactly.
No, I don't want to do it.
Right.
Even though they know it's good for them, they don't want to do it.
So then we always tell parents, as soon as you come to peace with knowing that you are
doing this to help your life get easier, your children will get on board.
And I am 100% a testament to that.
The minute we both accepted it.
1000%.
Yeah.
Oh, 100%.
It just happened with one of the moms in my mom group.
She was like, oh, she was so worried that her kid had a kickstand crawl.
And she was so worried about it and then she started doing the brain work, right, for like
a week.
And by the time I got to her house and saw the kid, he was already crawling regularly
and now he hasn't used his foot again the whole time.
It's just because she focused on herself, right?
Like that anxiety wasn't being pulsed into the kid the whole time.
Because that's the whole thing with the nervous system co-regulation, right?
You're picking up the safety signs from the other person.
But if you're the young one, you need to pick up the signs from your leader, right?
And if you don't know what's going on with your leader, then you have to pick them up
on your own.
And you're like, wait, I don't.
I'm I'm I'm little right.
Like, Sigi, you're supposed to be taking care of me, right?
I'm the guy.
I love it.
You just said that.
So the co-regulation is so huge.
And we just have so many parents right now that are saying, I've just been doing my brain
work, but my kid hasn't.
And they're chilling out.
And it's exactly that.
It's the mirroring neurons.
It's the co-regulation.
It's all of that energy that's being exchanged.
And when you the parent who's supposed to be in charge, calms your energy down, your
kid feels it.
And that goes for your thoughts.
That goes for everything.
So anytime parents come to us with my kid has blah, blah, blah, the question immediately
just goes straight to the parent.
Well, what are you feeling about that?
Absolutely.
Oh, my gosh.
I don't know why I haven't done any self reflection on this.
It's like because we were never taught to do self discovery.
And yes, our biggest thing.
And that's one of the things also that we want to talk about today, right?
Is like when people are fighting things, when kids are fighting things, why are you fighting
it?
Like, let's sit down and talk.
Let's sit down and talk.
And then when you're fighting things, you're not going to be able to pick up your room.
Right.
Maybe I don't I don't I can't do it right.
Right.
I don't know where everything goes.
I don't want to be alone when I'm doing it.
I don't like being alone in my room.
It's not fun for me.
I it's too much.
Right.
I get overwhelmed.
Right.
Yeah, exactly.
I feel like I or I'm bored.
It's boring.
That's such a typical kid response.
Right.
It's so boring.
And like giving them and the article says this to giving them a reward isn't going
to make picking up your room fun.
Like it just isn't.
Right.
So what can we help to make it more enjoyable?
What can we do to help make it more enjoyable?
If you want to do it with somebody.
Okay, cool.
Let me know next time.
I'll have an activity and we can do it together.
Well, body doubling.
Right.
Or, hey, remember that really cool book on audible?
Let's play it while you clean up your room.
You know, and like I do that every single time I have to clean up my room.
I put on a really good podcast and I forget and I end up cleaning even more than I thought
I was going to do.
Right.
I'm like taking out old things like you get into it.
Right.
And you get to engage in two things.
And it's also kind of helping them understand like, yes, some things in the world are just
not going to be like not everything in your life is going to be fun and entertaining.
And but you can find ways to make every little tiny moment enjoyable.
Right.
In whatever works for you and giving them that choice of being like, what do you think
would make it more fun for you?
Right.
Maybe if you pick up for a little bit and then you play with something and then you
pick up a little bit more and then you play with something.
Right.
Like let's find what works for them.
Because once again, these are skills that they're going to use for the rest of their
lives.
Right.
That brings them onto the independence of like, hey, I learned to do this back when
I was a kid.
It becomes my habit now.
And I just know to put on a podcast and fold my laundry and put it away.
I do that too.
And we were just talking about this too the other day of when you in the here's this is
always the catch 22 with brain organization is you need to have a developed crawl to be
able to clean a room effortlessly.
Right.
Yeah.
And to have that crawl means that you do have to insert some extra dopamine to help them
see the benefit of the crawling to then bleed over to how much easier room, you know, keeping
your room up is.
So there's a lot of that.
And when I this was totally me before I was doubling down on my crawling, which is developing
the midbrain.
I remember that's the part of the brain that develops between six to 12 months of life
when a baby is crawling.
And it's really essentially the filter of the brain, the piece to help you transition
from one thing to the next.
It's the part that sees the big picture, breaks it all down and keeps it organized.
And honestly, if you go look at your car or your room right now, just go look at the state
of it.
You'll be able to tell what state your midbrain is in.
It is a direct correlation to how your brain is functioning.
So when I started crawling more, I used to do this thing where I would sit in my head.
I'm sure you listeners might have this come to them.
I would just start adding how much time it was going to take me.
And then I would talk myself out of it because I was like, I was just going to take so long
to get it done.
And that's procrastination.
Right.
And then you get to the wire where you're literally you have to and now your stress hormones
are raging through your system and you have to get it done.
And you're like, oh, I got it done finally.
But it's because you needed that deadline.
As soon as you start crawling, your brain can just like start getting things done easier
and just track it.
And I would notice myself like, oh, I should go start laundry instead of like sitting in
my head for a while ruminating on the thought I would just go do it.
And I'd come back like, oh, only a minute went by.
I was easy.
So that's why we're trying to help you understand the motivation to get the brain work done
does require some extra dopamine boost in the beginning to help them feel that they
can get over that hump of like, oh, my gosh, organizing my room is so overwhelming.
Absolutely.
And then once we are doing it and where our brain becomes more organized, now we can just
have conversations about it.
And now my kids, we just talk about all the time.
They don't need carrots being dangled for them to get their creeping done.
We just go, OK, we're doing it.
Let's go.
Yeah, we'll go upstairs and we'll take care of our brains.
And then we talk about it a lot.
This is another big piece we want to talk about with you is once you start to see the
positive rewards of these great new changes in their behavior and their living, you have
to highlight it because the brain to have like that cha-ching.
Yes.
I see that new neural connection and I want to keep it alive because you know, wire together,
wire together.
So you've got to keep that alive.
So anytime I see my kids, Axel the other day, he's been we haven't in all honesty, I have
been more on me doing my brain work because I like just love how I feel when I do it.
And I'm like, if I'm chill, then my kids are chill.
But then I started seeing some midbrain behaviors from my son come out where he was just not
remembering what was next.
It was insane.
And he was getting really sensory overloaded by his hair bothering him.
He's like, Mom, can you cut my hair?
It's like tickling my ears and I hate the way it feels.
And then when he got down on the floor, sure enough, he crawls with his hands and knuckles.
Right.
There's your sensory.
So he started doing some more.
We did some brain work last week.
We brought some in this week.
And then all of a sudden I gave him like a three step direction and he did all three
steps without one reminder.
I was like, oh, it happened.
Okay.
There's that midbrain.
So then I go, Axel, did you love that?
And he's like, what?
I'm like, you just did those three things without stopping and needing a reminder.
And he's like, oh, yeah, cool.
I was like, why do you think that happened?
He's like my brain work.
It's like he doesn't always want to admit it, but he knows it's good for him.
Of course.
Like I did my brain work.
So that's the connection loop.
Right.
And like that's where that intrinsic reward will come in.
It's like, I do this, then this is my reward.
And it becomes just a natural way of going about life.
Not needing your mom to nag you.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
It just becomes natural and easy and part of who you are.
And I think another thing that we do often is we naturally call more attention to things
that are negative.
Right.
We've talked about this before on the podcast.
It's really the way that our brain is wired is to give more energy to negative things.
And it's kind of counterintuitive sometimes to focus on the positive.
I mean, I know it sounds like, oh, yeah, we'll just look at the positive things that they're
doing.
Right.
Like, why not?
We're just trained to avoid it, like to look for the negative, but also avoid the negative,
if that makes sense.
So it's kind of like at the same time, we don't we want to avoid meltdowns like the
plague.
Right.
We don't want them to feel anything negative.
We want to protect them and have them be happy all the time.
Right.
That's once again, that expectation.
That's what kids are.
They're happy little sweetie little cutie patooties.
Right.
Like they're not allowed to be humans.
That's something that Mr. Rogers said often.
There's like just because they're little people doesn't mean that their emotions are all so
little.
Right.
Oh, and it's so true.
Like it might be something.
I mean, I love Mr. Rogers.
If you haven't seen that documentary, you have to watch it.
It's on HBO.
You haven't seen it.
Oh my God.
No.
Okay.
It's going to blow your mind.
You're going to cry nonstop.
But it's so good.
So cute.
I'm so here for it.
It's so sweet.
But he always talked about that because that was his whole approach is like validating the
emotions that they have, whether they're negative or they're positive and understanding like,
you know, if if dropping your ice cream on the floor is the worst thing ever to you,
like and you get in, you know, you feel terrible.
You're so sad.
You were looking forward to it so much.
What does an adult do?
Oh, it's just ice cream.
Come on, let's go.
We got to go to the practice.
We got to go home.
Come on.
It's fine.
It's just ice cream.
Get over it.
But for that kid, they're like, excuse me.
I was looking forward to this all day.
This is a big deal for me.
It might be ice cream ever.
Like, come on, you know, like this is a big deal for me.
And so we minimize things because we don't want them to feel the discomfort for ourselves.
Right.
So we minimize it in them for us because we also don't want to be put in that uncomfortable
place.
And so that's where it's like, it's just so common and people do it all the time.
And we don't even notice where a kid is having a situation.
You're like, oh, it's fine.
Just forget it's no big deal because you see it from a different perspective.
And immediately what you're telling that child is, okay, what I feel is not valid.
And so I need to hide my feelings.
And I need you.
And also there's probably something wrong with me because why did I get upset about
something and my parents said it doesn't matter.
Like what's wrong with me?
So we're instilling all of these beliefs and we don't even know it.
Right.
And so that's also the piece where we have to have empathy for ourselves because we are
like grew up in a certain way where we're like, you know, the adult is like, I don't
want to feel that emotion.
Like it's not cute and it's not fun.
And so I don't want them to feel it.
So it's kind of this thing where you have to like also pat yourself on the back, be
like, okay, you've gone through what you've gone through.
Right.
But let's give this child the opportunity to feel their feelings and to truly get in
contact with that stuff because that's how you build, you know, emotional intelligence
as well.
Right.
And so that's the thing about empathy is like being able to feel your feelings and express
whatever is going on in your life naturally without feeling like you're going to be judged
or like it's not valuable or like it's wrong.
And again, this is as I'm saying that I'm saying I'm not judging the parents that do
it.
We're not judging the parents or teachers that do this because it's been instilled in
us for so long.
Right.
Get over it.
It's not a big deal.
Negative feelings.
No, no, no.
Just push them aside.
And we do it with adults too.
I got really upset by this thing that somebody said, oh, it's, you know, she probably didn't
mean it that way.
Right.
No, let's dig into it.
Why did you feel upset?
Where is it coming from?
Because it's usually coming from a wound inside of you.
Right.
And so that's why you're trying to avoid that feeling in your child when especially when
it comes to like talking about sensitive subjects or whatever it is, that's where all of your
programming comes out.
And I know we always say it's all about looking at ourselves first, but it just truly is.
It just is.
And honestly, what you nailed is the whole shame cycle.
Right.
It's like everything really that we have such a hard time talking about boils down to shame.
And it's like, I'm not lovable.
I'm unworthy.
I'm disconnected from something.
And it's these little moments of like an ice cream falling on the floor.
And for us, it brought up so much emotion.
And then it was like, you're not valid.
And then you're like, now I'm shameful.
I'm unworthy of having emotions.
Right.
And we carry that through our whole lives.
And it's butting up with our kids and us and the parents who are getting really honest
and raw and having these hard conversations about their own upbringing can now start to
change the whole discussion with their own kids.
And I sit there openly with my kids and tell them everything.
And I've had people come up to me.
They're like, I want my kid to come home and tell me everything.
It's like, well, do you tell your kid everything?
Like, and I'm not saying everything.
No, of course not.
The way you feel.
Right.
And so I let my kids know that it's normal to have arguments with people.
It's not normal to hit people.
There's a difference.
And so I think even when you say an argument, my mind immediately goes into like a fist
fight.
Like that's how I was programmed to think an argument looks right.
Yeah.
But an argument can just be like, I see something different than you.
And we're having a discussion about our differences.
And that's OK.
But it's not OK to start hating each other and being mean and aggressive and doing all
these other things to each other.
And this is where doing this really heavy work to dive deep into what you experienced
as a kid alongside as you're raising your kids, it's a lot.
But as you start practicing it more and you start identifying and you start saying, hey,
my need is this.
It's bringing up a lot of like because maybe the ice cream on the floor for you as an adult
was like, I don't have time for this.
I don't have patience to deal with this.
I don't want to go spend more money about this.
Like you have all your logical reasons as to why.
And you can kind of rattle them all out.
But then once you're able to finally get out of your own self and look at your kid and
be like, oh, that means a lot to you.
Yeah.
And also kids don't have that much access to the prefrontal cortex, which is the one
that says, oh, it's just an ice cream.
I'll go get another one.
Right.
Or I'll have another one.
I already ate part of it, so I'm fine.
Right.
And so why once again, we lower what we're expecting in terms of their emotional handling
of things.
They must be.
It might be the first time it's ever happened to them.
Right.
And so even though you can see it as the logical thing, most likely, it's still important to
validate what it feels like for them.
100%.
Yeah.
So then once you're in that space and like normally the ice cream hits the floor, we're
using this example because it's probably happened in some capacity to you.
But the ice cream hits the floor and then like the emotion of the kid comes up.
Right.
And it's just it's quick.
It's a fight, fight, freeze.
Like Paloma said, they're not operating from that prefrontal cortex.
It's a very survival reaction.
It's not like a tiger's walking up to them or they're being like threatened for their
lives, but for their own existence, it does feel like that way.
So they're in what we call the ponds.
They're in their survival brain.
And what we recommend doing when you get into that is like getting a really quick redirect
on board.
So you can help have a conversation next.
So then you can give choices and talk about how we're going to move through this.
Yes.
And this just happened the other day.
One of my favorite ways you have to do some really outlandish, very, very novel idea on
how to get your kids attention.
And so there was a kiddo who was hurt and I walked up there.
It wasn't my kids involved in it.
So for me, there was no emotion connected to it, which is another big thing for parents.
And I just see me and I was like, oh, my gosh, is everybody OK here?
OK.
So I have to just make sure.
Did your belly button fall off?
And the little girl and all the kids were like, what?
He's jumping on a trampoline.
Why would her belly button fall off?
And it's just like this really like that's the only way you can process that is in your
cortex.
And so it kicks them into their cortex immediately.
So it gets them out of survival mode into their cortex to think about it.
And once they're there, you can see it like the whole their physiological shift.
Everything happens.
The crying stops and like their shoulders drop and you can just see like, OK, the cortisol
starting to drop out of their system.
And now you come out with like another quick redirect of like, OK, how are we going to
move through this right now?
Exactly.
You want to do this or do you want to do this?
And if you can, you can't always grab their attention that way, because sometimes when
I do this with my kids and it's me and I'm the safe zone, of course, I try to do something
novel, they might escalate it.
And so oftentimes quiet is a really good one, just not engaging and you staying super calm.
And you know, I just hold space for my kids.
It's another really good way to get them back into their cortex.
But the goal is get them in their cortex.
It takes time and patience.
And so that's a really big piece in something novel, if that works.
And then you give choices on how do we handle the next thing.
And I love to give my kids a choice when it comes to what do you want?
Do you want this or do you want this?
Giving a choice and two choices that you, the parent you're comfortable with, and you
give them that autonomy to make that choice of, OK, I'm moving myself towards independence.
I get to choose what thing I do next.
And I think also just really quickly, let's remove the fear of the emotion, remove the
fear of the tantrum or the reaction, because also it's very natural to feel that that thing
happens.
And that goes into that survival mode, and so you're flooded with all this cortisol
and adrenaline and chemicals.
You need to get it out somehow.
And sometimes screaming and crying is a great way to get it out.
And a lot of us have seen that when you use the quiet approach, they'll cry for a little
bit and then they're over it and they're fine.
They need to get it out.
And we've all felt this too.
When you have a very stressful situation, that you're like, oh, my God, I need to get
like, I need to get this out.
And it feels so good to cry or to do something, to like punch a pillow, punch something, you
know, like get it really out of your system.
It feels amazing because that's what it's meant for.
It's meant to be used.
Right.
And again, if you're a parent who you're fearing your child to melt down, that's your stuff,
right?
That's where you get to go, why do I have shame?
Does it make me feel like I'm a bad parent?
Do I feel like I, I honestly don't know what to do.
A lot of parents don't know what to do.
Paloma and I have been so blessed to have so much training on other people's kids before
I had my own.
And I really got to learn.
And I even had to apologize to a couple of parents I ran into last week.
I was like, I no longer do that approach.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God, I love that.
I remember when we do like the, you have to keep doing your patterns no matter how much
you cry.
And we totally wouldn't, that's how we were trained and we would never do that.
Ever.
Oh, it's so, it's hard to think about.
It was not.
Yeah, it was hard to.
So I apologize to all of those parents that have come before.
And it's really like, parenting is hard for sure, but really the biggest part is looking
at you and going, what is it bringing up for me to say yes or to say no, and to get clarity
on what need you're getting met.
And then from there, you can use all these amazing tools to like just navigate your relationship
with your kids so differently.
And number one thing, I can't believe you haven't said it yet, explicitly at least,
is society's expectations on parenting.
And it's like, how did I not say that?
I know it's because I don't think it's like in your wheelhouse with this topic.
Cause I'm not a parent.
Yeah.
I don't have any expectations.
Cause you're like, I don't, I don't have kids right now.
Yeah.
But for me, like, and this is, I loved when my kids gave me such a moment to go reflect
on certain things.
And I've talked about it a million times, like Axel playing baseball and how he was
so fearful.
And I'm like, what do you mean you're so fearful?
But then I would honestly start catching myself being fearful in little moments of like the
ball coming at me when I was playing catch with him.
And I was like, oh, okay, there's some passion.
Like I'm picking this up for me.
So this is parenting is like, you get to use your kids to spotlight and highlight all the
things that you get to go work on.
And it's a fun, when you get into that space and you really like can step out of the emotional
triggers and the activations constantly and you're like, oh my gosh, my kids are teaching
me this right now.
Oh, that's cool.
And then you start to just, your relationship with your kids grows and shifts and changes.
I feel like I'm in such a sweet spot with my five and eight year old right now where
I'm like, dude, we can go places with just like one little backpack, like not even a
full backpack.
Like we can just like go charge the world now.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, we're doing great.
And we've done so much hard work for the past eight years to get here.
So if you're like, I want that, I want to experience this with parenting, join us in
the parenting revolution course.
I mean, you would be joining a little bit late, but you know what?
You get the program for life.
You get access to me, Paloma and Greer.
And we're having some amazing conversations.
Our next one is Monday when this hits, but they're all recorded and you can go back and
watch them.
Or you can join our ITC regular program, which is equally amazing and so much stuff.
So there's a lot there.
Do you want to take us out?
I will take us out.
Okay.
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Thank you.
On that note everyone good night.