Hi, and welcome to the In The Cortex podcast.
We are your hosts.
I'm Poloma Garcia.
And I am Danny Parakoni.
And we're the founders of In The Cortex, an online community with programs that show
people the tools that they need to change their lives, their brain reorganization, no
medication, just movement.
When you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate your nervous system, you start
to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the cortex.
Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the cortex life.
And now on to today's episode.
Hello, and welcome to another podcast episode.
And this is a special one.
They're also special, but this one's especially special because we have a guest today.
And this is Lindsay.
She is my best friend of 31 years, right?
And so we've been through a lot together.
We basically call each other sisters because we've grown up together.
And today we are having a really awesome, raw, vulnerable conversation.
And she does not love these, but she volunteered or was kind of nudged very strongly by me
to come over and do it.
Slightly guided.
And we're going to talk about something that just kind of came into your world.
And you're just going to kind of share your experience with our listeners about how you
started bringing in some brain work, some journaling.
And then I sent you a podcast and it kind of just exploded your world a bit.
And the topic is all about codependency and how that connects to brain reorganization
and how there's so much overlap happening in those two departments.
Well, also really quick, this is going to be kind of like a workshop for people that
are curious as to like what our one-on-one sessions look like, how we help people kind
of coach people through these moments where they're trying to find the subconscious beliefs
and they're trying to get to that next level of like, how do I get to the root of what
I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing, right?
So this is kind of like a live.
And that's why I thank you, Lindsay, so much for doing this.
Absolutely.
Well, thank you both for having me.
So my name is Lindsay and I work for a nonprofit, NHR.
And yeah, so I've known about brain organization and brain work and ITC for many years now.
And I've just been kind of on a path of getting healthy.
And this is like a new, this kind of wellness, this is a new journey for me.
And I am just so grateful to have my bestie be able to kind of be my biggest fan and coach
here and help me with all of doing this.
And so I, I've started to do kind of a daily like ritual, if you will, but before work,
I've started incorporating, exploding rocks and I've been doing this for about a month
now.
And it's just been kind of really subtle, but I've been able to, I think, notice changes
in how I am able to present myself and how I'm able to have conversations that are difficult
where I would always ignore them.
Or I would maybe try to mask it and I would maybe, you know, try to use a drink to try
to open up things like that.
But kind of help me get into that space where I felt confident to do these things.
And so I've been sticking with it for about a month now and sense this kind of realization
of, I don't know, just I guess, learning who I kind of who I, who I am.
And I really didn't know who I was and really facing who like my truth and who I like my
identity.
And it kind of all just happened the last like month, this past week, especially I, Danny
shared a podcast on codependency and I listened to it and I'm just like, huh, why have I been
hiding from who I am?
Why can't I confront who I am?
And just kind of feeling really exposed and really wanting to not avoid the pain and fear
and just kind of directly going at it.
And so I think through the brain organization, the exploiting rocks and kind of helping with
the moral reflex integration, I've been able to really confront my truth.
And so I'm just super excited and a little bit scared, but I'm okay with that.
So
I'm here, it's a huge deal.
Yeah, like even doing this, like I didn't want to, but I'm here.
And so it's, it's I'm present and I, it's, you know, it's not, it's not so terrifying
and it's like I'm with people who I really trust implicitly and they're both professionals.
So, so I'm here and I'm excited.
I'm scared, but I'm all the things, but it's, it's kind of like day one and I'm doing it.
Yeah.
And I'm happy here.
So I have known each other for like I said, 31 years.
And there's, you know, there's always those people like Pullman, I talk about this all
the time about like what people would really benefit from doing brain work because we both
have been through it.
And we know the changes that happen.
And I've just like really worked on, you're like my first person that I really know I
had to like hold so much space for because I'm like, oh, I just know Lindsay's going
to find it one day.
And she's going to like her life is just going to start to come together.
And it just so happened, she was telling me the other day, like literally explaining to
me, she's like, yeah, you know, I just went and had this really hard conversation.
I was like, wait, what?
You had that hard conversation.
And she's like, oh yeah, I just like told this person, this and this person, this.
And I was like, okay, just for some context here, Lindsay had a roommate that she had
to have a conversation with about having her dog and she couldn't have the conversation
for how long?
Oh, like months, six months, six months.
And she was so terrified to have a conversation about just a dog and the logistics of the dog
being in the apartment and because the roommate wasn't cool with it.
And she was just so nervous to have a conversation.
And now like she's telling me just a few days ago, oh yeah, I just had this hard conversation
and this really hard conversation about setting a boundary of like, I, this is my worth and
I won't accept anything less.
And I was like, what have you been doing?
And she's like, oh, I've been journaling.
I'm like, anything else?
Oh, I asked, I said, have you been creeping?
That's what I asked you.
And you're like, no, just journaling and then like a couple of minutes later, she's like,
oh, I've been doing exploding rocks and exploding rocks integrate the moral reflex.
The moral reflex is a major, major reflex for your fight flight and free will not necessarily
freeze as much as mainly your fight or flight.
And also really quick for the listeners who aren't as familiar with like the lingo, the
moral reflex is the start of the infant startle reflex.
So the reason we have it is so that if the baby encounters like a really loud noise or
there's a change in like the, the position of the head or like something that is going
to be threatening, truly threatening, right?
To the baby in those first few months of life, they start to like scream just so that the
parents will come.
Like they basically can't do anything because they're two, three months old, right?
So that's what that reflex is there for.
However, if it stays on when we're older, it kind of turns into the opposite where it
like wants to create like a little bit of a, a bubble around us, right?
So if we still have our moral reflex on, we're going to be people who kind of, you know,
try to get into a lot of like people pleasing tendencies and they're going to be maybe super,
super shy, try to control everything, not be great with transitions because the brain
knows that anything that's different or new or unexpected is going to throw them back
into that fight or flight.
And so that's kind of like where I think a lot of your stuff was coming from Lindsay
of like really wanting to just avoid, avoid, avoid all these things as your moral being
like, absolutely not.
This is, I'm in my bubble.
I'm not going to deal with that, right?
Yeah.
Now you nailed it.
That's exactly.
I didn't want to be seen.
That's something that I've been, you know, I've been hiding.
I've been hiding.
I don't want to be, I want to be seen now and I want to be heard.
And these are, you know, I have things, you know, I want, I have things I want to, you
know, say and share and I want people to, you know, I guess have a better, a better
connection with people.
So, yes, I'm going to, I'm going to start writing down some reconnects by the way for
you.
I love this.
And being seen too is such like a, like from a survival standpoint, you don't want to be
seen, right?
You want to hide and blend in.
And now Lindsay's like, wait, I'm not actually in a survival space anymore.
I want to be seen.
I want my truth to come out.
I want my authentic life to begin.
And I'm like so excited for you.
And you know too, you're like, this is hard because obviously our nervous system craves
what we know.
And to step into this space, that's why it's scary because you're like, what does this
mean?
And so I hope we can do another talk to you in like a few months.
Obviously, you like go through this work more of like, okay, now what's your journey looking
like and sharing with listeners who are maybe in a similar position?
Cause a lot of people are, okay, I just identified some major things.
I really don't want this life anymore and you can share your experience, but we can
talk about that later.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, just by doing your exploding rocks every day, just 10, how many
do you do?
I do 15.
Okay.
15 exploding rocks.
It takes you how long?
Two, three minutes?
Not even.
Less than five minutes.
Less than five minutes to do that routine.
And now all of a sudden she's facing some massive, hard conversations out of the blue.
And I've known Lindsay for a very long time.
So it's not her norm to get into this space.
And it was so apparent that she made this massive shift.
And then she's all of a sudden receptive to, oh, what's that podcast?
And then connecting dots of like, Oh my gosh, that's me.
And I'm like, dude, it's me too.
I'm a codependent.
Like I'm a recovering codependent and working on this too.
So it's just showing you that like these simple movements will unlock this fear you've been
holding in your head that wasn't real for so long.
You were perceiving things as a threat that weren't real threats.
But now your brain's coming out of that.
And now you're like, wait, wait, this is new information I can now intake and now shift.
And now I'm ready to have these conversations.
So massive kudos.
And I'm like so excited.
And yeah, so let's get into it.
What are some signs of being a codependent?
A deep seated need for approval from others.
I feel like I'm a little forth that depends on the way that others think about you.
I feel like so many people identify with this.
Like I wouldn't identify the codependent, but some of these things I'm like, that's literally me.
A habit of taking on more than you can realistically handle both to earn praise or to lighten a loved one's burden.
Like how many times have you done that?
I feel like that's, that's, didn't you do it all the time?
As I just posted, I'm the feel lucky cop.
I'm like, girl, I was like, okay, listen to each other.
We all got our own journey.
We talked about it.
Okay.
No, I know.
It's like, we'll see how that looks.
A tendency to apologize or take blame on in order to keep the peace.
So it's peacekeeping above all, which is fun, right?
So you're saying, you know, Moro is fight, flight, freeze, fun.
The more moral may not make you freeze as much because that's where the fear paralysis
reflex comes in, but the fawning very much is that, right?
Because your Moro is like, I don't want to be seen.
I'm too scared to, you know, cause any, any, any stirs, anything that's unpredictable
is bad.
So I'm just going to make everything, everybody be happy.
Everybody be calm and chill.
Therefore avoiding conflict is another one.
Minimizing or ignoring your own desires.
That's a big deal.
And I feel like so many people do that, especially like now society, am I right?
The expectations, okay, that's not, I didn't do it with myself, but, you know, I, I do
think that like it's, there's so much of a narrative out there, especially like for
you and me as entrepreneurs who it's like, you have to do everything and like, you know,
split sweat and tears for your business, blah, blah.
And it's like, I'm also allowed to be a person and have a life.
Like it's not, it can't, it doesn't have to be one or the other, right?
And yeah, excessive concern about loved ones, habits or behaviors.
I feel like that's a big one for women, especially usually with our moms because that's just the
way it is.
A habit of making decisions for others or trying to manage your loved ones.
And you and I talk about this all the time, Danny, and we'll get further into these.
There's a few left.
A mood that reflects how others feel rather than your own emotions.
That's such a big one.
Fulfill your anxiety when doing something for yourself, doing things that you don't really
want to do simply to make others happy, idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the
point of maintaining relationships that make you unfulfilled.
How many of you boy like that are out there, you know, overwhelming fears of rejection or
abandonment.
So a lot.
And I feel like as I have been on this journey of really finding my authentic self, I'm like,
okay, I definitely had a deep seated need for approval for mothers.
I definitely cared what others thought about me.
I definitely took on more than I needed to.
And now that I'm aware of it, it's different because I'll still do a lot of these things,
but it's not in the same sense.
It hits different.
And that's where the programming and me have shifted.
But let's talk about like, where does this programming come from?
And we talk about programming in our business all the time.
We talk about in the cortex.
A whole big portion of our program is looking up the subconscious, where did you pick these
patterns up?
And we were just doing a really awesome call today with our parenting group and it's with
Dr. Guerreira.
And it was so awesome.
And Lindsay just so happened to come over and she was laying on the couch listening and
she was like, Oh my gosh, I was a high needs baby.
And you were also a high needs baby, but you were calling it high needs back in the day.
And Greer will just call it like you're a deep feeling child or baby.
And you also have high stress and low stress needs.
And so it's just a different way of looking at it.
Like you were just a baby that needed more nurturing.
And if we really boil it all down and look at where it all started, and this is not to
blame any parent or any caregiver, this is just to shine the light on it and to become
like, let's normalize the conversation.
Let's start talking about how this effect is going to show up later in life.
So your mom, she had your sister.
And then how many months later were you born?
11.
11 months later.
And your sister had hip dysplasia.
Yeah, she was in a full body cast and yeah, full body cast and my mom was obviously taking
care of me, but she couldn't take care of my sister.
So it was a constant like, you know, she was having to rely on a lot of other people.
But I think when I didn't, I don't know.
I guess I didn't get enough time with her or something, but yeah.
But you did.
It's just that your mom didn't know how to nurture you, how you needed to because our
society and the expectations are, oh, that baby should just be sleeping on its own.
That baby just should be able to self soothe, right?
And that's what Greer's book is dispelling all the myths of like, what is parenting and
what should it really be considered?
And we've kind of skewed all that in today's world.
And so this is not to shame your mom.
This is just to let your mom know that she did the best she could with the information
she had and you were a product of having needs that didn't get met, right?
And so when you don't get your needs met and this goes into, you know, babies who cry and
they cry it out and eventually if no one shows up for them, they just shut down and
then people go, Oh, look, that baby's finally sleeping.
No, they shut down.
They turned off.
They're like, no one's listening to my cues.
So obviously I'm not being heard.
And so you stop.
And so this is a lot of where a lot of the codependency comes from, right?
Is like where you're looking for, you know, you don't want to have any conflict maybe
because you're like, you know, when I cried out for help, my parents fought in the background
of like having to take care of me and they were overwhelmed.
So then you just create this pattern of like, Oh, I just don't want to store things up.
Like I don't want to make anybody mad again.
And this is all in the program that you have created, right?
But that's not the story you want anymore.
So you get to shift it, right?
So we can unpack some of this today.
You feel up for it?
Which of those lists of the common signs of codependency do you feel hit you the absolute
most self-worth that depends on what others think about you?
That's huge.
That's a really big one.
And why do you think the one stands out the most for you?
Like where does that come from?
I think it comes from a fear of, you know, rejection or, you know, not, you know, approval.
But I feel, I don't know, I feel like it could be a lack of security, you know?
I feel like I don't want that taken away.
And so I want to make sure I avoid any conflict or, you know, I want to make sure that everyone's
happy, you know, keep piecing or peacekeeping.
And that was my job.
So I didn't know.
That was your job when you were a kid at home.
To make sure everyone was okay.
If there was fight, you know, I mean, it just, it was kind of a role I kind of took on.
It felt normal and it felt healthy, but it really, I don't think it really helped me.
Do you, do you feel like maybe because your sister had like the whole hip situation and
like a lot of your parents' attention and resources had to go to her that you, that
that's why you decided to be like, okay, well, I'm going to take on the other role.
Or like, was it causing lots of problems in the house?
Like, is this, do you think like a sibling thing or more like your parents were just
not giving you that, that kind of nurture and, and, and I could be that value that you
were looking for.
I really thought about, you know, maybe having to do with my sister.
I didn't really, I don't really think it has to do a lot with my sister, but I think it
was just more just kind of like the chaos in the house.
And I didn't have any control of it.
And I don't know.
So just got that a little bit.
What did the chaos look like?
Or where did it come from?
Like who do you think?
Or where was it stemming from?
Yeah.
Was it like, oh my gosh, like, was it like a parent with a disorganized brain?
Cause that often happens, right?
Somebody who's just like always late or always, you know, running, it forgets things and just
like, kind of all over the place.
Or was it more like emotional stuff where one person was very reactive and the other one
was maybe trying to keep the peace or was it a little bit of both?
I think it's a combination, but I think a lot has to do with, you know, how my parents
were probably really struggling.
And you know, I think a lot has to do with like now knowing about my dad.
I don't think he was, you know, I like, I don't blame him, but he, he didn't have the
skills to really handle my sister and myself.
And my mom was doing the best she could, but they just didn't have the skills.
They didn't know how to, I guess do it.
And so I felt like I needed to step in.
I don't know, that's kind of been my role.
Yeah.
That's it.
And that was me too.
Yeah.
I was definitely the peacekeeper at my house cause my brother was definitely a terror.
And you know, I got thrown off to the wayside a lot and it was always like, Danny, just
do it cause you won't have a melt on about it.
Just can you handle it?
And so internally I'm like, he got off of everything.
Like he didn't have to do any of the chores because they were just like, oh, he'll throw
a melt down and he won't have to do it.
But if you really look at the pattern and you look at your dad and you look at your
mom and then you look at how your siblings handled the word, how you handled the world.
And it's like interesting because my dad and brother were mirrors, right?
And it was very much like, you know, just have a melt down and you get off, which we
now can consider weaponized incompetence, right?
Cause they actually could do things.
And that's where I'd say your, your sister falls under is like the weaponized incompetence.
Like I just can't do it.
So then you were just like, I have to do it.
And it still plays out today.
It does.
And I just thought of this.
She was in a full body cast.
Did she get any movements she needed when she was growing up?
Absolutely not.
And now she has been labeled and this is what's so, oh my gosh, this is the first thing I
thought when you said it at the cast.
Like this is so crazy because, you know, she's always had like learning challenges, right?
And it's, but she's been considered and labeled and diagnosed as person who's incompetent.
But let's look at it like, what if she actually did all the brain work?
And what if she all of a sudden just found her true self?
Like you are right now.
How crazy of a story.
It would be a totally different story.
And then all the dynamics have changed.
Cause when Lindsay's with me, like I, we were just talking about this, like I literally
like run the show and I'm like, we're going to do this, this, this and this.
And she's just along for the ride.
Literally.
So I always say I have three kids with Lindsay's with me because I have my two and then Lindsay.
And I'm like, yeah, she's just a child, right?
Cause she just is like, oh thank goodness I don't have to beat the person who does stuff.
Right.
Yeah.
I didn't really think about that.
I know.
That's funny.
I feel like I fall into that role with you too.
Where I'm like, okay, mommy's taking care of everything.
And you're just like, okay, let's go.
And I'm like, I'm thinking of that time we went to Tory Bynes and the three of us are
just like, behind you.
I'm in another dimension.
I wish you could experience.
I do, but I think you're, we're good.
Oh, see, and this is what's so great is like, then you find that partner.
Cause like when I'm with Sam, for example, like I let him take the control and I'm like,
oh thank goodness, I don't have to think anymore.
Like it's so nice to have that person that can take over for you, but that's codependency.
My exact.
That's exactly like, I depend on you to help me get my needs met.
So when you start to become aware of it, and then a big thing that we've been talking
about lately too, and this can maybe go back into the chaos and maybe deciding like where
you want to be in this is like, what story do you actually want to tell?
And what story is yours?
So so much time you talk about like your mom and like your mom's approval and needing
your mom's approval, like where does that even come from?
But and you don't even have to pinpoint exactly when it hit, but you can also start looking
at like, but that's not my story.
And like, because you feel very responsible for now what happens with your mom.
I do.
And that's something that I'm like, that's not your job.
I tell you that all the time.
I do.
Yeah, that's not your role.
I do have a, you know, that's crazy story of me running her over with a car and she's
still, I know, yeah, if you didn't know, I had a little whoopsie.
Okay, that sounds way worse than it was.
That is definitely a whoopsie doodle, Lindsay.
That was a major whoopsie.
Let me paint the picture.
Yeah, I want some on this.
Yeah, Lindsay was there's a held for 13.
Okay.
We were neighbors too at the time and Lindsay was going to pull out the vehicle from the
driveway so we'll give it a car wash.
Her mom was giving her directions with the driver door open and she was standing between
the driver door and the car.
And so Lindsay put her foot from the break to the gas.
Car was on.
It started rolling on an incline and I thought, Oh shoot.
Okay, and then it's like in reverse and then my mom's like, hit the break.
I'm like, Oh shoot, this is a 50 50 chance.
I hit the wrong one.
So she hit the back in reverse.
This door totally pulls her and she's dragged in, you know, down the driveway in the street
and then the car finally ends up in the driveway, you know, the neighbor's yard and the power
box and the power box.
It went out.
It was a big day.
It was.
Unfortunately.
I was in the Lindsay's all of a sudden at my house for a little while.
I was like, Oh, cool.
Lindsay's having sleepovers.
And I had no idea her mom was in the hospital because she hit her with the car door.
Anyways, but that scenario has stuck in Lindsay's head and now she has this massive guilt and
her mom plays into it because her mom has a lot of co-dependency stuff and her mom will
like continuously like be like, Oh, my back's hurt.
It's probably from when you ran.
All the time.
I get it.
It's never lost on me.
Yeah.
What happened?
Right.
But see this is where a reconnect can come in and you can surrender that and be like,
you're human and you were 13.
So you didn't really know how to drive.
And there's so much logic behind that that I'm like, that's not your story.
Like that's what you need to surrender and get rid of because no one can give you that
shame or guilt because that's not for you.
That's not serving you.
And that's really when we look at co-dependency is like, is this serving you?
It probably isn't.
So what are you going to do about it now?
Right?
So then you're going to reshape it exactly so that it works for you.
And I, let's just go really quick into the definition of co-dependency because we didn't
talk about that in the beginning.
So it's a way of behaving in relationships where you persistently prioritize someone else
over you.
I think that was kind of clear from the things that we read out before and you assess your
mood based on how they behave.
The therapist named Vicky Botnik explained that co-dependency often involves a sense
of forgetting where you end and where your partner begins.
I feel like that's such a great way of like describing it because you just feel this like
this connection that's just so deep.
And I feel like that's where you start to go into the patterns of like figuring out
whatever, not even figuring out, just always knowing what they're going to feel, how they're
going to react, what's going to be their thought about this thing.
And every time we do something new or something big happens in your life, you're like, I wonder
what this person's going to think about it.
This is your first thought, right?
And so that's kind of not like, why would that be there?
If you're not a child, why would that be a thing that you would think about?
But if you have these patterns, obviously that's where it goes, right?
And like it can eventually lead to a disconnection from your own needs and desires, promote
unhealthy relationship dynamics, absolutely, and affect self-worth and overall well-being.
And what is the best way to help this is creating boundaries.
And that's what your conversations were as soon as you started doing your exploding
rocks and having awareness.
And so as soon as you start to create the boundaries and you start realizing like, wait, because
you're upset, I'm not going to be upset.
That's your stuff, not mine.
And you'll see like as you get more into this work, everyone's just projecting and
mirroring everything, right?
And so you can start to realize like, wait, you can be in that space, that's your story,
I don't want that story anymore.
And that's really what this is about.
And so when you start to look at what boundaries you want to create, how do you want to live
your authentic self?
So what do you need in order to get there?
And a lot of times we have to just love ourselves.
Like, have you ever thought about just like loving who you are?
So then you can start to create the boundaries because you love yourself so much, you know?
I've never really, I don't think I have.
Right.
That's another reconnect, by the way, I'm just writing it down.
This is interesting guys though, really quick.
Because I think this is something that a lot of people have kind of dealt with at least
peripherally.
Experts originally introduced the term codependency in the 1940s to help describe specific behavior
patterns that they noticed in partners and family members of people living with alcohol
use disorder.
By this original definition, codependent might describe loved ones who enabled alcohol use
and the signs included making excuses, hiding the alcohol use and protecting the person from
any fallout or consequences of their actions.
And so this kind of comes to, and now they're saying experts now agree that it's become a
much more nuanced and more complex or, you know, situation and dynamic.
But this is where we kind of go back to when you were little, little and your mom is the
person who you're feeling the most codependency with right now.
And so you're saying she, the first thing you said earlier was she couldn't handle it.
There was too much.
She couldn't.
She was doing the best that she could.
And so that's already you noticing that there was something there that was missing, right?
You're acknowledging that there was something that was missing, which is normal because
every parent, no parents ever going to be perfect, right?
But that's where you took on this role of like something's missing, but that's okay.
I'm the person who's going to help her get it, right?
Because of the other dynamics that were going on in your family, because some people can
have a parent that doesn't necessarily have all the tools slash most of us had that, right?
Most people have that and not necessarily take on that, that role of like, I'm going
to be the hero.
I'm going to be the one that like really takes charge here.
And I don't say hero in like an egotistical way at all.
It's like kind of like more of like the triangle, which we talked about in the last episode,
but I'll explain that a little bit.
But it's more your tiny little self being like, okay, there's a, there's a gap that
I need to film this family that somebody needs to film this family.
And that's going to be me.
I'm going to abandon myself because also my brain is disorganized and have all these reflexes
that are on.
I'm in survival mode.
So this is the only way that I see to keep surviving within this family and when this
dynamic.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
You, you're talking about the hero role and I can see so many times when, and you were
listening to that other podcast, a different podcast of talking about the drama triangle
and how we all get ourselves trapped into it.
And we start to go into that space of I'm experiencing fear, uncertainty, insecurity.
It's triggering something that's a very primal feeling and I'm lost.
And so then I start to create stories.
And when I create a story, I'll always go from like the victim to the villain to the
hero because the victim is like, poor me.
This always happens to me.
And then all of a sudden the hero comes online, I'll fix it.
I'll just do more and I'll just cover it up and, you know, I'll mask all my feelings.
I'll abandon myself to make sure that this gets handled.
And then there's the villain.
It's because you, it's because you're always doing this and why can't you stop?
Right.
And so we just trap ourselves in this triangle of constantly seeing every situation and it's
like, oh my gosh, it's okay.
So what story, and this is really when I listen to co-dependency, when I listen to the work
that we do, I'm like, it's just rooted in having these survival mechanisms on and not
knowing how to see the discern from a real threat and a perceived threat, right?
Because most of when we go into that fear space, that's all of us having perceived threats.
Like you having a perceived threat of like, what did you think was like the worst thing
that was going to happen when you talk to your roommate about a dog?
Like what was going through your head when you're like, how come I can't have this conversation?
Oh, I didn't want her to say no.
Okay.
You know.
I was at so like threatening because it really goes into like the dog stuff.
And what was the dog to you?
He was a, he was a, he was a, yeah.
It's so much, right?
So he was something I thought I needed to fill a void with my father who like abandoned
me.
It was a really tough month.
And then I had another relationship kind of, I was trying to like see where that was going
to go.
And then it was not going where I wanted it to go.
So it was like, I got hit.
I got hit twice.
To rejection point.
Rejection.
That's right.
Rejection.
And so then I'm like, I need to fill this.
And I thought a dog could help me.
And you know, that was not the, that was not the solution for anybody.
And that's what we all do that we all turn to like, okay, I need to fill this void.
I'm going to get a dog to boost my dopamine and serotonin and take my mind off reality.
I'm going to drink.
I'm going to do drugs.
I'm going to do something social media, do some school for hours.
I'm going to get lost in a world.
So I don't have to feel this pain.
And that's what we all do as humans.
Like that's literally the human journey is to face it.
But when you're in that survival mindset, the problem becomes so big and you don't even know where to start, but you did the most beautiful thing.
You started just doing 10 exploding, 15, exploding rocks that I, and that catapulted you into wheat.
I can actually do this.
It's not as big as I've made it out to be, right?
Yeah, I love that.
So now we're going to add some reconnects.
Right.
Should we do one together?
Of course.
I think we could do one because I think that would be so fun and Lindsay can kind of maybe share how you're feeling about it.
Like, okay, a reconnect.
What does I love myself sound like a good one?
Actually, in a space that you're like, okay, I think that I think it's fitting.
So it actually does make sense to start with this one.
Yeah, I think so too.
And then we can do like I accept myself too, because that's another big one.
Did you put that on the list?
No, I have so many, but I have, how about I am safe?
I think there's a big component of safety for you two, no?
For all of us.
That's a big one.
Yes, I am safe.
I think that one would be my number one.
You want that one to be first?
Yeah.
Being safe.
Once you feel safe, then you actually can be like, okay, actually do you want to start loving myself now?
Yeah, and I do want to look into all these things.
Exactly.
And then the feeling of safety, like being able to even say or think that you feel safe is coming because you did the brain work, right?
Because your brain is at a space where it doesn't feel like it's in constant attack all the time.
That's how you were feeling before, right?
Everything, the conversation with your roommate, whatever, you know, things was going on with your mom.
It always felt like it was like somebody was going to attack you and it was actually life and death.
And now you're like, oh yeah, I could say that I am safe because we've done this so many times and a lot of people get to that point where they're like, oh, they, sorry, they start at that point where they're like, I'm safe.
I can't do that.
Absolutely not.
Or they're starting laughing hysterically.
Like, there's no way, right?
Or I love myself.
Yeah, right.
And so that's where this reaction that you just had tells me a lot about where your brain is because we've seen the other side of it so many times.
I'm glad you just said that.
So anyone who's listening right now, just say out loud, I am safe and not in the safe of like the physical sense we're talking about in the emotional sense.
And just see what your body's responses you can just feel your body's reaction like Paloma said some people laugh.
What was yours?
How did you, where did you feel that when you say I am safe?
I haven't had it yet.
Okay, say it.
Oh, there you go.
There's a whole sign right there.
So I just say it out loud.
Yeah.
I am safe.
I.
Does it feel like it's believable?
Yeah.
Oh, you feel like you.
Okay.
This is why we love muscle checking because then we can bring in like what is your subconscious really feeling right now and muscle checking is such a really cool, cool tool.
Do you feel good with muscle checking?
Yeah.
Do you want to try it out and see if you can muscle check yourself for I am safe?
Do you like to do it standing or do you like to do it with just your that technique?
I think I'll stand.
Okay.
She's going to stand.
That's a better one.
Let's all do it together.
Yeah.
And so we're standing up right now.
I'll be the narrator here.
So we're standing up and we put our hands on our belly button and we take in a deep breath and make sure we're hydrated.
And you're just going to first get a baseline reading on showing asking your body to show you what a yes response looks like.
And this is just such a subconscious way of tapping into what your body naturally is programmed to do.
So ask it out loud.
Show me a yes.
Good.
And Lindsay's body went forward.
Good.
And now say show me a no.
Show me a no.
And her body just went backwards.
Your nose very strong.
That's great.
You felt that.
Her nose stronger than her yes.
Okay.
Now you're going to ask I am safe.
That says a lot about the brain too that the nose stronger than the yes by the way.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's the wire.
Yeah.
Okay.
I am safe.
Okay.
She's getting a yes.
Yeah.
Good.
I was thinking because you've been doing all the moro's like it's feeling more real to you.
Like you are saying if you're afraid to understand that.
Yeah.
Your brain's safe there.
Okay.
Now do I love myself just to see what your subconscious says.
And you can already see her body.
She's like fidgeting a lot and she's smiling.
She's right in a laugh.
It's like that feeling of like.
Love myself.
So let's see what your body says.
When they say I love myself.
I love myself.
And that's a no.
And that is like, but you already had all the physiological responses.
Like you could feel.
Where'd you feel it when you said I love myself.
Right.
Where I felt it.
Did you feel it anywhere?
No.
Okay.
But you started laughing.
Yeah.
Cause you're like, no, that's not true.
So what we're going to recommend is when he's going to take a post-it note and she's going to write down on the post-it note.
I love myself.
And the process here requires water.
This is a reconnect.
We bring this into our program.
It's level two of our main program.
Our parenting program is going to have it woven throughout.
And it's an amazing way to create a new neural connection in her brain that operates from a space of I love myself.
And so I'm going to do more loving things for myself to live and have the story that I really want.
That's authentically me.
So she took a sip of water, but we're going to do it again.
And you're going to take a deep breath in.
As you're thinking, I love myself in your mind.
You're taking in a sip of water.
Good.
And we hold the water in our mouth.
We take in the inhale.
We let the inhale out.
So that's an exhale.
And then we saw a lot.
We're doing some deep work over here.
And then we moved to our next pattern or next movement.
It's called brain buttons.
So you put one hand on the belly button and then the other hand finds your brain buttons.
These are these two indents that are right below your clavicle bone.
And if you just put your hand so your finger and your thumb are kind of rubbing to these two spots.
And most people feel really sore and tender.
Does it feel sore and tender for you?
No.
Okay.
Great.
And then we move to the rule.
And you're thinking here as you're rubbing these two top points, the hand on the belly button stinks.
Still, you're just thinking to yourself, I love myself and envision yourself right now with your eyes closed, doing things that are loving for yourself, doing this work.
That's love for yourself because now you get to be authentic and who you were meant to always be.
Other things that are loving yourself or drinking water or going for walks, whatever, whatever fuels your soul into like love and bringing more of that to you.
Because you can't really love anybody else.
You love yourself.
So taking another deep breath here.
I love myself.
Letting it out.
Good.
And then we're going to switch sides.
So the hand that was on the brain buttons moves down to the belly button and then the hand from the belly button comes up to the brain buttons.
And again, you're just rubbing and I like to take my whole hand.
So I have all four fingers rubbing one spot.
My thumb is rubbing on the other side and I'm breathing through my belly doing deep belly breath.
I love myself.
Do about three deep breaths here.
And if you ever want to see what this movement looks like in a video, you can always go check out our Instagram channel.
We'll link that here in the show notes of doing what's called pace.
This is a brain gym movement.
It is an amazing way to just connect left and right sides of your brain and your body and also the top of your body from the bottom of your body and the back and the front.
It's a really amazing way to put yourself into the super learning state, which drops you into a theta state, which brings in these reconnects.
So they go into your subconscious.
There's so much science behind it.
And that's a quick nutshell version.
Paloma has already moved on to the cross cross and I just bring your opposite elbow to your opposite knee.
You can do the sitting, you can do the standing.
You can do this.
I'm drawing lazy eights.
Anything that is crossing your midline here.
I like to jump on trampolines.
But when I'm loving myself, I tend to pick like more loving movements, which would be like drawing lazy eights or squeezing the opposite shoulder and dragging it across my chest.
That always feels really good.
And I'm thinking in my mind, I love myself.
It's almost like we're giving ourselves a hug to you.
There you go and do whatever feels natural as long as you're crossing your midline.
And you're bringing in left and right sides of the brain.
And then the last step, you're going to cross your ankles.
Hands are on front of you.
Your palms are facing each other.
Now drop your thumbs down to the ground, cross one hand over the other, interlace your fingers and pull it in.
If you were a visual learner, that was probably really hard to understand.
So check out the video.
We'll link it below.
Bring the thing to the roof of your mouth.
And you're just thinking, I love myself.
I do take in a deep belly breath here.
And letting it out.
I love myself.
Taking in another deep breath.
I love myself.
This pose is so amazing for calming the heart energy and just bringing it all connected.
It's the best one to do whatever you need to calm your energy quickly.
And you're going to switch to the other side is on top.
Pulling it in.
Good.
Don't forget to switch your ankles, tongue to the roof of your mouth, bringing in breathing in all that loving energy.
To your body.
And letting it out.
I love myself.
I love myself breathing in.
And letting it out.
Taking one more deep breath.
Really picturing all that love coming to you.
From you.
And just knowing it's your time to start loving yourself.
Letting that breath out.
And then we bring our fingertips together.
And we like to add a little tap to each finger.
So we just say, I love myself while we tap our fingertips.
I love myself.
And we bring all that lovely energy to our heart and send it out into the world.
More people can love themselves and bring it back to ourselves.
And now we check.
So go and stand back up again, Linz.
Put your hands on your belly button, take in a deep breath and say out loud, I love myself and see what your body wants to do.
I love myself.
Awesome.
And your energy feels so different.
Do you feel it?
Yeah.
What do you feel?
Lighter.
Whatever.
I just, I'd have to say, just I feel lighter.
Lighter.
Yeah.
You feel really calm to me.
Yeah.
So that was a reconnect.
And now Lindsay gets to take this post-it note of loving yourself, put it up on your car dashboard.
And then more, this goes into the subconscious and now Lindsay is going to start operating from a space of loving yourself.
And so she's going to have the awareness now when it comes to the codependence of, wait, I love myself so much.
I'm going to set a boundary because the boundaries healthy for me.
And it tells me where my body ends and that other person begins and what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.
And I don't want all your stuff.
And I'm working on my stuff.
So this is just going to be the beginning and Paloma is going to send you a list.
She didn't know I have the list.
I can read it out for anybody listening is curious.
As we were talking, I was typing these out.
So I am seen.
I am heard.
I am respected.
I am authentic.
I embrace my authenticity.
I love myself.
I am safe.
I am loved.
I'm appreciated.
I have a space in the world.
I have a space in my family.
I accept myself.
And you can make those your own, right?
So if you feel like this is going a little deeper, you're like, oh, I want to make sure that it says I am respected as a brain coach.
For example, I would do that one right if I were like stroke.
You and I have done that before actually, because when we were like dealing with imposter syndrome and that kind of stuff.
But yeah, I'll copy paste these into the chat.
And I just want to say it's it's so easy to say I'm going to work on myself.
I'm going to do all the good habit, all the things that you pictured yourself doing when you were doing the reconnect.
It's so easy to say, okay, I'm going to start drinking water.
I'm going to start setting boundaries.
I'm going to eat healthy.
I'm going to move every day.
And then when your brain, when your subconscious doesn't align with somebody who deserves that, that's when you start to see the self sabotage come in.
Right.
So that's why this is such an important piece of just becoming, you know, the person that you want to be and truly being yourself is that.
If not, you're just always going to be fighting and fighting and fighting against your subconscious.
And that's where those changes in those lifestyle, you know, kind of things that you do become so much harder to do because you're it's it's a culture shock in your brain, not culture shock.
You know what I'm trying to say.
It's just like it doesn't work in your brain because your brain is like, you know, you don't.
Why would you do things that are good for you if you hate yourself, right?
If you don't love yourself, but you don't respect yourself, right?
So that's where it sounds so silly to say it that way, and I know we always talk about this, but that truly is the way that your brain is perceiving it because your brain has the opposite belief.
Right.
I am a terrible brain coach.
I'm not worthy of respect.
Right.
And so that's where when you try to act as though you do have those beliefs and you say, yeah, I'm going to do this and do that.
You keep self sabotaging because your brain is like, absolutely not.
You can't do this, bro.
That is opposite to what I believe.
And the brain always wants to confirm what it quote unquote believes to be true.
Right.
So this is why that's like such an important step for this, for these, for these big lifestyle changes like you're going through.
100%.
Wow.
And accepting the human in you because you're going to have moments and you've seen me, you see me, I fall apart.
Lindsay was with me like a couple of weeks ago as having a men TV and apart because I'm a human and embracing that is just like, there's no such thing as a perfect human and Greer said it today that like,
you know, she said parenting is messy.
Being a human is messy.
Like us humans have emotions and sometimes we're crying and sometimes we're making a choice that didn't serve us.
But then it's like, what's the repair?
And so that's why reconnects can come in and be like, I can repair all this.
I can, I can rewrite my story and my story is never ending and I'm never done.
And I'm going to learn more and more about myself.
And so I know that feels daunting.
Sometimes you're like, oh my gosh, that's a lot of work.
But guess what?
It's going to get better every day and look at in just the past month, Lindsay, like how much you've already accomplished is amazing in comparison to 39 years, right?
And so you're like, okay, in a month I can do this.
What's next month going to be and who knows and I'm unattached.
Yeah.
So we'll come up with more reconnects as we dive into this more and and just trust that you're on this amazing journey and we're so happy you're here and you're doing.
I'm happy I'm here too.
You always say I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy to be here.
Happy to be here.
You all come back now.
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This is too late the day for us to do a podcast.
You know, love my jokes.
But you know, we do believe here at ITC. If you're just listening to us for the first time we want to have fun because life should be fun.
More fun. So we are silly goose is but we also take yours. Your stuff serious too. So we know about everybody.
Exactly. It's all about the balance. Good boy. What does good boy say it's a lot of he says something about how you want a lot of things. Good boy. Monte said something about how it's that's a whole point of going through this like self growth thing it's about playing with
it and looking at the light side because if not it all gets way too dark.
And that's what we do here and in the cortex so thank you.
Thank you.