1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,280 Hi and welcome to the In the Cortex podcast. 2 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:10,280 We are your hosts. 3 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:11,640 I'm Paloma Garcia. 4 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,680 And I am Dani Perrecone. 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,600 And we're the founders of In the Cortex, an online community with programs that show people 6 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,520 the tools that they need to change their lives through brain reorganization. 7 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,920 No medication, just movement. 8 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:28,120 When you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate your nervous system, you start 9 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:32,160 to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the cortex. 10 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:36,560 Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the cortex life. 11 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,960 And now on to today's episode. 12 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:45,240 Hi everybody and welcome to a very, very special episode of our podcast. 13 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,320 Today we're here with Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum. 14 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,800 She is one of the most amazing people we've met in the last few years. 15 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:56,400 And I'll let her tell you a lot more about her herself. 16 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:59,880 You're going to intro yourself in a little bit, but we're here with you today because 17 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:05,200 we want to talk about all the overlap that we have in our philosophies on nurturing, 18 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:10,800 on parenting, on children and on really putting the focus on yourself as a parent, right? 19 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:14,440 Or as somebody who's going to become a parent at some point. 20 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,320 And that's where we've created this program. 21 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,660 And so we really want to use this podcast to give people some more insight and some 22 00:01:20,660 --> 00:01:25,320 more connection to who we are, why we're doing this and what the program is actually going 23 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:27,720 to do for parents today. 24 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:28,720 So welcome. 25 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:29,720 Thank you. 26 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:30,720 So happy to be here. 27 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:31,720 Loving to be here. 28 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,800 We want to do like a quick intro or not so quick. 29 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,920 Just kind of tell us about yourself and how you got into what you're doing. 30 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,320 Yeah, for sure. 31 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:42,800 So my background is in science. 32 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:46,360 I was a research scientist for about 15 years. 33 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:54,440 I did a PhD in medical science and neuroscience and also post doctor fellowship in integrative 34 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:55,440 neuroscience. 35 00:01:55,440 --> 00:02:01,660 And my focus the whole time was the origins of mental health, the origins and the reality 36 00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:06,240 of mental health and how do genetics play a role? 37 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:10,280 How does experience play a role? 38 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:16,200 And really, really focused on the brain circuitry, the brain areas, the neurochemistry, everything 39 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:21,840 that contributes to our mental health over those years. 40 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:26,600 And by the end of my time in research, I promised myself I'm going to keep going as long as 41 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:27,600 I love it. 42 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,080 Because I fiercely loved it for so many years. 43 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:37,360 I would jump out of bed feeling like the luckiest person in the world, skip to work, get to 44 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,960 be curious and creative. 45 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:49,040 There was a lot of down, down, downs too because research is so freaking hard as well. 46 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,660 But I did love it. 47 00:02:50,660 --> 00:02:55,980 And I promised myself, yes, this is the place for me as long as I feel this way. 48 00:02:55,980 --> 00:03:00,880 But by the end of my postdoc, I was really itching to bring information out into the 49 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:01,880 world. 50 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:04,840 And I kind of had that in my mind the whole time. 51 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,840 I was like, I think I'm going to love this for a while. 52 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:10,840 And then I really want to use the information. 53 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:16,880 There's so much incredible information locked up. 54 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,360 And so I was ready. 55 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:23,360 The amount of information that had come out on how experience in early life shapes the 56 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,520 emotional brain, shapes life, how it was so inspiring. 57 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:31,480 It was so much to communicate. 58 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:39,120 And I saw my friends having kids and I saw that they did not know any of this. 59 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:46,440 And in fact, all the modern parenting practices were, you know, working against fostering 60 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,680 emotional health for many, many children. 61 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,800 So I was like, this is it. 62 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:51,800 This is the time. 63 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,120 This is the place. 64 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:59,120 I left academia and trained as a birth and postpartum doula and also took a lot of other 65 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:05,840 courses, a lot of other education that would help me apply the knowledge to people. 66 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,600 And then, I mean, the book was, my book was like a huge goal the whole time. 67 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,560 I actually left the lab being like, I'm going straight to writing this book. 68 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:18,520 And I actually did start writing it then, but realized I needed a lot more experience 69 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,520 really. 70 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:26,180 So yeah, I spent many years doing that, became a mom myself in the same time. 71 00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:33,680 And now my book is done, which now encompasses like my whole life as a human, seeing myself, 72 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:38,320 all my work and working with parents as well. 73 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:46,480 So it's kind of like the neuroscience of early life and parenthood life, the art of raising 74 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:51,680 babies, this kind of like the Venn diagram overlapping there. 75 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,960 Yeah, that's where I'm working now. 76 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,200 So I love that. 77 00:04:56,200 --> 00:05:01,760 So when we found you, well, I think I don't remember how it all transpired, but I know 78 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:05,560 that people were asking you about primitive reflexes, remember? 79 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,160 And you and I had a call. 80 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,160 Okay. 81 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,160 Cool. 82 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:13,480 So, and I remember, I mean, I've been deeply embedded in this world of like going against 83 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,240 mainstream stuff for so long, because I'm like, well, obviously things aren't working 84 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,240 great. 85 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,240 We're not doing great as a society. 86 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,240 What's going on? 87 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:24,200 And I know for me, I had a super disorganized brain. 88 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,200 And one of the main things parents always come and say to us, they're like, I wish I 89 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,200 knew this sooner. 90 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,600 Do you get that all the time? 91 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,160 And what do you tell those parents? 92 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,160 Absolutely. 93 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,960 I mean, I think we find things when we're ready. 94 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:36,960 Yes. 95 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,760 And we're ready to take them in. 96 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:39,840 Right. 97 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,920 And so I kind of help people discover that too. 98 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:43,920 Right. 99 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:49,040 And to have so much compassion for the version of themselves that came before that didn't 100 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,080 have access. 101 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:55,520 And I think, you know, there's so many of us who are just so inspired to be shouting 102 00:05:55,520 --> 00:06:01,080 this stuff out, like trying to get as many people, you know, educated as possible, because 103 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:06,680 we know that people are so grateful and needing this. 104 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:07,680 Exactly. 105 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:08,680 Yeah. 106 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:12,120 I think that also, you know, kind of one of the that's one of the good parts of social 107 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:17,880 media, right, is that I do think that this whole new there's like a new generation of 108 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:22,640 parents and people who are truly wanting to get to the root of what's going on with their 109 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:26,960 brain, with their challenges, with their behaviors, with whatever it is, or for their kids or 110 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,520 their parents or whoever it might be. 111 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:34,280 And I think that's why kind of more people are ready to listen to this stuff now than 112 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:38,400 they were before, because we were we're just so much more connected nowadays. 113 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:42,920 And I love the part of your book where you I think it's just like the very beginning 114 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:48,800 where you talk about all the different myths, all the different nurture and parenting myths. 115 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:52,080 And that just makes so much sense to me, like every single one of them. 116 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,080 And he said, you're like, of course, why do people think that? 117 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,480 And we're not going to get into the why because we're going to be here for 24 hours straight 118 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,400 talking about it. 119 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:04,480 But I'm curious, what is one of the biggest ones that shocked you when you started to 120 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,120 learn about this stuff? 121 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:13,380 Yeah, the self soothing is the biggest one, because I think it includes daytime parenting 122 00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:14,960 and nighttime parenting. 123 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:19,080 It's like this around it affects everything around the clock. 124 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:23,600 You know, the myth that we can teach babies to self soothe or that we have to teach them. 125 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:24,600 Right. 126 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:28,320 Soothe, you know, and then we look at the parent, us as parents, and we're like, can 127 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,440 we so can we even sue their self regulate? 128 00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:41,040 Because I see most of us actually reaching for substances, shopping, scrolling, and scrolling, 129 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,640 you know, other other types of dissociation. 130 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,680 100% right. 131 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,440 We're not even very good at it. 132 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:53,200 And then we think, yeah, that babies are going to I love that. 133 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,200 Well, right. 134 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,200 So real. 135 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,200 Yeah, it's true. 136 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:01,120 Like, I think that's one of the biggest things when you become a parent, you realize that 137 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,440 you're asking your kids to do things that you're not even capable of doing yourself. 138 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:07,240 And you're like, did that just happen? 139 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,000 Did I literally just come in the room kind of yelling and telling them to calm down? 140 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,200 I'm like, that's cute. 141 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,800 I'm not calm. 142 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,120 How I'm expecting them to be calm. 143 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:20,840 And I think that's where I love, like, one of the main things that I took away when I 144 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,400 was reading your book is the repair part, because we are human. 145 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,720 And we are going to mess up. 146 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:30,760 And that's the biggest thing for a pulmonite in the cortex as we talk about the human element 147 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,800 of us and how we don't have it all figured out. 148 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:40,200 But we do have our here's some really great tools that do help you calm down quickly. 149 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,640 And they change the dynamic in the home. 150 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,200 It's where we get this all the time in our messages, like there's more laughing, there's 151 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,880 more smiles, there's more of just like being here now. 152 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:55,200 And I can tell you without the brain tools, if I would have read this book, and I was 153 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:59,640 like, I just messed every single window up of when it was really critically important 154 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,400 to have a calm home. 155 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:05,480 Instead, I can now go, okay, yeah, maybe I wasn't the best parent. 156 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:06,480 And I want to be better. 157 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:07,480 But that's the goal here. 158 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,280 We're always trying to be better parents. 159 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:14,640 And we never want to shame any parent for not maybe you did sleep train. 160 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:18,240 And maybe you're like, I can see the effects of my child's now eight years old. 161 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,680 And we don't have a secure attachment. 162 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,080 Exactly. 163 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,840 Can you talk about how forgiving the brain is and share? 164 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:26,880 Maybe you did. 165 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:30,960 I think for me, my heart's really attached to the parents that have missed the zero to 166 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:31,960 three window. 167 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,000 And now they're learning about this information. 168 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,960 They're like, oh my gosh, is my child going to be messed up for life? 169 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,400 What did I do? 170 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:42,720 And I think that's where we can really work on having a discussion on how do we help parents 171 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,760 really see that there's hope? 172 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:45,760 Completely. 173 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:46,760 Yeah, completely. 174 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:53,880 Yeah, it's so important to understand both concepts that brain development between zero 175 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:58,960 to three is foundational for life. 176 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:06,280 Is this incredible opportunity we can take to influence our baby's brain towards regulation 177 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:13,840 and towards balanced regulation, all those wonderful things that promote health. 178 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:21,840 And the brain can continue to be plastic and continue to form new connections throughout 179 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,680 life. 180 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,640 So zero to three is really important. 181 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:31,400 Adolescence is another really important time. 182 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,360 And parenthood is another time too. 183 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,360 I love that. 184 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,360 Which is wonderful. 185 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:40,000 So we can always come return to nurture. 186 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:47,560 We can always repair, both in the cognitive brain, where we use words and we use reasoning 187 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:56,400 to repair, and in the emotional system, to form that emotional connection and relationship 188 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,400 at any age as well. 189 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:07,120 And one study that is really helpful to show the impact of how it can change is in Romanian 190 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:16,800 orphans who were adopted, when they're adopted closer to age zero, their outcomes are better. 191 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:27,440 But even for individuals who are adopted after three or closer to three, they do have reactive 192 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:39,400 nervous systems, high stress, low impulse control, lots of difficulty with emotionality 193 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:40,960 and health issues. 194 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:49,760 But the studies show that when those babies who would have way worse adverse experiences 195 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:57,640 than sleep training or, they were 100% emotionally neglected as babies. 196 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:04,900 They were fed and kept clean, but there was no resources for anything else. 197 00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:09,480 When they're nurtured throughout their whole childhood, then their brain goes into plasticity 198 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:13,660 as an adolescence, that is a new place for them to shift. 199 00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:19,400 And then they actually can even out their emotional systems. 200 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,400 That's amazing. 201 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,800 You know, are kind of restored, right? 202 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:28,220 But that also includes, and for our parents out there who are having those challenges 203 00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:34,840 in childhood, if infancy wasn't as highly nurturing as we would have maybe wanted it 204 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:39,680 to be, knowing that you have to persevere with that nurture through childhood times, 205 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:46,200 regardless of the behavior and regardless of the challenges, knowing it's a long game. 206 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,200 Right? 207 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,200 Totally. 208 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,800 I think that's also a perspective. 209 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,320 I mean, two things there. 210 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:57,480 One is that kind of what you're saying about how the two different brains can change, right? 211 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:03,080 And that's where we come in and we talk about the nervous system and the primitive brain, 212 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,640 how to help the primitive brain truly be efficient and truly be developed and understand what 213 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:10,680 its role is in day to day life, right? 214 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:17,140 And understand that it can kind of let go and let the cognitive brain take over. 215 00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:18,560 Like we are safe, right? 216 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,840 But that goes back into that attachment. 217 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,000 And what are we feeling? 218 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,000 What threats are we perceiving in our day to day life? 219 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:32,920 But also, I think the cool part is the empathy that parents start to gain when they understand 220 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:37,360 that the behaviors that their children are having are not because they're bad kids or 221 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:42,200 because they don't love them or whatever it might be, because that's how we perceive it 222 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,200 emotionally, right? 223 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,800 Like as a parent, if your kid is acting out a certain way or saying certain things to 224 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:53,000 you, could the kid say lots of things that are very hurtful a lot of the time? 225 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,920 Understanding this is their brain that needs a little bit more support. 226 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:57,920 It's not something personal. 227 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:03,200 And like you said, I think that helps the parents truly play that long game and be like, 228 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,520 you know what, this might be hard sometimes and it might be dysregulating for me too, 229 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:08,520 right? 230 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:12,640 But this is where I get to be the person that decides what am I going to focus on, right? 231 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:20,200 Am I going to focus on correction and trying to kind of like force my kid into this mold 232 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,680 that I want them to be? 233 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:25,200 Or am I going to focus on myself, give myself what I need? 234 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,600 And that's how my kid is going to start to have what they need as well, right? 235 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:33,560 And truly going from the root, which is why, you know, we've come together to do this program 236 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:38,440 is we want it to be clear that parents need this as well. 237 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,380 And only focusing on your kid is another form of dissociation. 238 00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:43,840 It just is, right? 239 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:47,920 It's like, nope, I'm just going to put all the information on them, all the pressure 240 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:48,920 on them. 241 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:52,840 I have, I just talked to a parent last week that was like, you know, this is very interesting. 242 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,080 It's all great, but I'm only here to focus on her. 243 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,080 Okay. 244 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,080 Only my daughter. 245 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,760 And I'm like, okay, but maybe you can do it with her. 246 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:00,760 No, I have no time. 247 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:01,760 I have literally no time. 248 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,600 Like, well, that's where our parents are, right? 249 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,000 That's where people are nowadays. 250 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,200 We were just saying this before we started recording. 251 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,000 We're so overwhelmed. 252 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,840 We're so full of just like information and just all these things we have to do and learn 253 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:20,120 about and just all this stuff that's going on that it's a lot more simple to go into 254 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:25,160 the flight mode and go into that fear mode of like, I'm just not going to even try. 255 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,160 Right. 256 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,760 And so that's where I think this, everything we're talking about here comes in. 257 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,560 Oh, absolutely. 258 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:38,480 I see it as like, when you're talking about just your child having behaviors and I think, 259 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:42,440 and I love when I was reading just like the intro part of your book where I was like, 260 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:46,120 oh my gosh, she's saying all the science that we talk about, all the neurons and all the 261 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,280 connections and how critically important it is. 262 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:52,160 I'm like, gosh, we have the person that's like talking to the science that we've been 263 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,000 talking about for so long. 264 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,680 And I love that part. 265 00:15:55,680 --> 00:16:01,400 And then as I'm reading it too, I'm like, I could not really grasp the whole idea of 266 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,640 like what happened to me as a kid until I became a parent. 267 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:09,160 And when you just said that about our parent brain changing, it was like, and Belinda and 268 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:14,880 I were going to do the podcast last week about talking about reparenting yourself while you're 269 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:19,040 parenting your children because, and you know this too, having a child yourself career is 270 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:23,000 like your kids say things to you and they shine that big spotlight on you. 271 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,000 And you're like, oh my gosh, you're right. 272 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,160 I do need to go look at that. 273 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:32,800 And then I even go, I was nurtured as a kid, but why do I still have a challenging time 274 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,200 with this, this and this? 275 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,760 And so it's, and this is where we're like, okay, don't go blame your parents for not 276 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:42,200 doing enough or like whatever it is, because we love to say that this is your story and 277 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:47,080 this is your chance to go ahead and go deeper into finding the most authentic version of 278 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,080 you. 279 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:54,760 And so this is where I've learned so much about me from being a parent because I've 280 00:16:54,760 --> 00:17:00,880 now reparented myself and given my little Danny self, what I needed as a kid that I 281 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:04,960 didn't get because my parents weren't able to do it. 282 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:09,360 And I think that's like the coolest part about where our generation with social media is 283 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:12,240 going is we're all learning to like break the cycle. 284 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:16,720 No more trauma passing down the best we can at least, because you know, nobody makes it 285 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:17,720 out unscathed. 286 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,800 Yeah, absolutely. 287 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:30,800 So much of the goals that we want to meet in our parenting are going to emerge in the 288 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,480 relationship between us and our child, right? 289 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:38,840 Like you were saying, like, you can't say, you know, my child's hitting or, you know, 290 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,760 doing something, let's fix just that. 291 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:47,640 It's always what is going on behind the behavior, right? 292 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:55,280 For our kids and so much of the time when we can regulate ourselves. 293 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,040 And you know, that's why this program is so important. 294 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:04,080 When we can regulate ourselves, we almost have to do nothing with our child, like other 295 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,520 than maybe some guidance, right? 296 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,240 Some, you know, behavioral guidance. 297 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:15,240 But so much of them, of their awareness is attuned to us, attuned to our nervous system 298 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:20,000 state, and we are mirroring each other constantly, right? 299 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:25,240 So yeah, it's funny when you have parents who are like, I want to change, you know, 300 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:26,680 with me, it's sleep, right? 301 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:33,000 I talk to parents a lot about sleep, babies who need to be held a lot and it's like, well, 302 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,760 can we change this about the baby? 303 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,320 And it's always so much bigger. 304 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,320 Totally. 305 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,320 Right. 306 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,480 It does always exist within the relationship. 307 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,120 We always have to go back. 308 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,120 I love it. 309 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,560 So let's, can we do like a little mini workshop right now? 310 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:52,240 Cause I actually have, cause you're a sleep expert and I'm like thinking about with just 311 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:56,400 me and my two kids and I've created, and I'm like, this is a perfect example of what you 312 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:57,400 just said. 313 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,960 So with my two kids, I've co-slept since day one. 314 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:01,960 We've always done that. 315 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,200 It just made sense for us. 316 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:10,120 And but now my, my son is about to turn eight and my daughter is about to turn five and 317 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,080 they still come into my bed. 318 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:17,920 And it got to the point where like, I think I stopped nursing my daughter at three and 319 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,240 everyone was giving me so much pushback. 320 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:21,720 Like I can't believe you're still nursing her. 321 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,960 And I'm like, well, she, it's obvious, like it's natural. 322 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:24,960 Like she wants to. 323 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,280 And I'm like, well, the who says, but like, you know, you should breastfeed till they're 324 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:33,400 seven or something like crazy number that like Americans would be like, that's insane. 325 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:37,400 Um, but so when it was, I had to such it like a attached relationship. 326 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:41,000 It was different for my daughter than it was for my son. 327 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:45,160 And then now that they're getting older, they still come into my bed at the middle of night 328 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,320 and everyone's like, you need to break that habit, like stop it now. 329 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,140 And my fiance, especially he's like, you're just not getting sleep because they're waking 330 00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:52,640 you up all the time. 331 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:57,080 And the part of me that's like, but I don't really want to like outgrow this time period. 332 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,880 So I know I'm keeping it alive. 333 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:05,080 And I'm like, and I know we tell this to parents all the time when you're ready to tackle whatever 334 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:09,400 the behavior is, you'll feel it, but you do have to have the awareness of like, how are 335 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,440 you keeping it alive and keeping it going? 336 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,360 And but there is a part of me, there's nights where I'm not going to lie. 337 00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:15,360 I'm like, you know what? 338 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,840 I'd be really nice to sleep through the night without being woken up. 339 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:23,400 So a parent like me who's like aware of it, and then there's times where I'm like, what 340 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:28,760 part of my child is feeling, especially my son, because I feel like he has more of like 341 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:33,200 the attachment, maybe more rooted in insecure attachment stuff. 342 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:37,720 We had a lot of stuff that happened with breastfeeding and it just didn't go well. 343 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,120 And you know, I didn't end up breastfeeding him ended up pumping. 344 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:44,920 And then I became obsessed with pumping because I was like, oh, he can't have formula. 345 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,720 So toxic because I read everything about it and then you just go down these rabbit holes. 346 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:54,000 Like that's where the social media stuff for me is like, okay, that's not how much mom, 347 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,000 right? 348 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:59,000 And so I don't know, I'm just like thinking out loud, like what would you like when you 349 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:04,840 work with families and you talk about sleep, like how do you break down all the things 350 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:05,840 happening? 351 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:06,840 Absolutely. 352 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,400 I think it's a family solution. 353 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:15,640 It's always a family solution and looking at what everybody in the family is needing. 354 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:16,640 Yes. 355 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:28,360 And you know, I would say so many kids still need that closeness at night. 356 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:34,920 I have, I've met with so many adults who've said I slept on a freezing cold hardwood floor 357 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:41,440 with no blankets or pillows because my desire to be close to my parent was so strong and 358 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,560 they would sometimes outside a closed door because the boundary for the parents were 359 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,480 like, you don't come in here. 360 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:54,720 Or if the boundary was even stronger, they'd be awake, terrified in their room alone wanting 361 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,940 to be close so badly, right? 362 00:21:56,940 --> 00:22:01,420 Or some people will say that would have slept right beside them on the floor and like maybe 363 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:06,480 their dad would just like, you know, cave in sometimes be like, okay, you can come in 364 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:07,480 the bed, right? 365 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:08,480 Yeah. 366 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,840 So kids do have that need, right? 367 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,280 For approximately night, it makes sense. 368 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:19,080 It's a vulnerable, such a vulnerable time. 369 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:27,360 And usually starting eight, nine, 10, usually eight, they'll just be okay. 370 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:36,360 And then you say, I'm good, like I want to go on my own, you know, in my own space. 371 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:37,360 And some are younger. 372 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:39,960 Some two year olds are like, this is my room now. 373 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:40,960 Yeah. 374 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:46,760 And there's so much variability, but I always will tell parents it's a great choice to make 375 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:50,480 it accessible for them to be close if they need it. 376 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,220 And there's a lot of ways of doing that. 377 00:22:52,220 --> 00:22:57,720 Sometimes parents have a mattress on the floor that the kids can just go and get in. 378 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,880 Sometimes, you know, getting into bed. 379 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,440 Sometimes the parent will go join the kids in their space. 380 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,700 Sometimes siblings will share a room and that does it, right? 381 00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:13,560 So co-sleeping in terms of like same room sleeping as another person is a pretty strong 382 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,080 drive through childhood, right? 383 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:21,160 So just normalizing all of that for the kids is really important. 384 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:25,840 And you to like have to know that they're needing that, right? 385 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,320 Plus we're giving them every night they fall asleep in their own room is an opportunity 386 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:31,920 for them to be there the whole night. 387 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:36,560 And we always just give opportunities, right? 388 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:37,560 I love that. 389 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,760 When they take it, they take it. 390 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:44,240 So yeah, like normalizing it, I think is the number one thing is I feel like my whole upbringing 391 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,120 of my kids, I was just fighting against people, like trying to prove like, no, this feels 392 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,200 right to me. 393 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,520 And I'm a very strong voice when it comes to that. 394 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:53,040 I was like, no, I'm not doing that. 395 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,160 No, I'm not doing this. 396 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,160 Yes, I'm doing this. 397 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,160 And I was just prepared to take flack for it. 398 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,120 And like, you're not parenting the right way. 399 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:02,360 And I was like, but it just doesn't make sense to me. 400 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:03,360 It doesn't feel right. 401 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,280 So I think that this was what this program is. 402 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:09,120 Like, maybe you were bullied into doing something that didn't feel right. 403 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:13,040 And now you feel a lot of guilt and shame because you're like, and the mom guilt thing 404 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:14,040 is so real. 405 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,040 It's unbelievable. 406 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,040 It's unbelievable. 407 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:20,640 You feel every second of every day of like messing up everything. 408 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:25,720 And but I love that you're just talking about there's needs that need to get met, give the 409 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:31,520 opportunity and then even to some kids, like you mentioned, don't need to go sleep or need 410 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,040 proximity. 411 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:38,160 And those would be like more like the dandelion kids that you mentioned in the book, right? 412 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,960 Natural resiliency in them. 413 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,060 Or then you have the orchids. 414 00:24:42,060 --> 00:24:46,880 And I'm like, my son's totally an orchid and my daughter's definitely more of a dandelion. 415 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,880 And I love that you give that. 416 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:49,880 Yeah. 417 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:53,440 And they might end up, you know, on their own at different times, right? 418 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,080 Depending on, depending on it. 419 00:24:55,080 --> 00:25:00,080 But yeah, I mean, you also mentioned like, am I as a mother having them take care of 420 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,920 me by this, right? 421 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,440 I kind of got that as well. 422 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,380 That's possible too. 423 00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:14,920 But I think once we're, we're always tuning into what our kids are needing and being, 424 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,520 you know, really honest about that, I think then that we're in a good place. 425 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:24,000 And the other thing you said, the mom guilt stuff is I actually have never felt mom guilt. 426 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,000 Wow. 427 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:30,900 Because I've always returned to what do I need? 428 00:25:30,900 --> 00:25:32,400 What does my child need? 429 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:33,400 Right. 430 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,280 And what is my, and what's my intuition? 431 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:43,120 I know that meeting his needs never, I have so many of those, so many ladybugs living 432 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,120 in my house. 433 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:45,120 They're so cute. 434 00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:46,120 They're always around. 435 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,120 Yeah. 436 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:53,120 I don't, I don't have any guilt about any of it because- 437 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:54,120 That's huge. 438 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:55,120 Yeah. 439 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,400 Talk more about that. 440 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:03,240 I mean, I feel like my guilt comes from, cause I got a divorce and I feel like that's where, 441 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,840 I'm like, I totally disrupted things, but now it's better. 442 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,960 Like we're through it, like the hard part of it. 443 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,920 And I couldn't even say it without crying in the past because I was like, Oh my gosh, 444 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,800 I messed my kids up, right? 445 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:20,280 But like, honestly, like, how do you not, like, I feel like every mom I know has guilt. 446 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,400 They're like, I'm not working enough. 447 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:27,880 I'm not making enough money or I'm, you know, or I'm working too much and then I don't see 448 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,400 my kids or know my kids. 449 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,640 It's like you compare and I think that's where it's rooted in the comparison. 450 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:34,640 I think so. 451 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:41,800 I do feel when I work after, work after hours when he gets home, I do feel guilty about 452 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:42,800 that. 453 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,240 I'm like, Oh, I would spend, want to spend more time and all this kind of stuff. 454 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:48,760 But always just return to self-compassion every single time. 455 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,600 And I think for you, I need that. 456 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:57,640 Your divorce too, like you have compassion for that, you know, for you in that moment, 457 00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:58,640 right? 458 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:02,840 You had to make that choice and that was the best choice for you. 459 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:09,560 And like, we need to love you for that, you know, and support the kids through it too. 460 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:10,560 Right. 461 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:11,560 Love it. 462 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,120 So yeah, that's so true. 463 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:19,000 Like, so a part of our program, like as we like talk through and workshop through things 464 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,040 and like, that's what our program is designed to do is bring up journaling problems and 465 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,200 like, why does Danny have so much guilt for being a mom? 466 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,200 Right. 467 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:30,080 And she's like, ah, you need more compassion, then I go and check and now we'll do a muscle 468 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:33,920 check and see what my subconscious says about, do I have compassion? 469 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:35,720 Paloma is on me all the time about this. 470 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:39,080 She's like, girl, always go out, you do so much. 471 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:40,080 Why don't you see this? 472 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,200 And I was like, well, because I was raised in a home that's like, you don't just sit 473 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:44,240 down and do nothing. 474 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:45,720 You're always doing something. 475 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,640 And I watched my parents today and I'm like, do you all take breaks? 476 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,200 Like you're in your sixties, like you're in your, your days of retirement where you can 477 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,560 just chill all day and they can't. 478 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,520 Their parents, they couldn't. 479 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,320 So it's like the crazy thing of passing it down. 480 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,680 But now here I am having this awareness moment going, oh, okay. 481 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:07,520 I can put some compassion in my own self right now. 482 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:09,720 Like I can do that for myself. 483 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,800 And that's what the program is designed to do. 484 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:16,080 And I do take care of myself daily, gotten so much brain work in, but now I need like 485 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:20,920 what we call a reconnect where we help my subconscious just be like, girl, you're doing 486 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:21,920 so much. 487 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,920 Just love yourself a little bit more here. 488 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:29,920 I bet, I bet that choice was the kindest thing for your acts, the kindest thing for you and 489 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,920 the kindest thing for your kids. 490 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:33,920 Oh, absolutely. 491 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:34,920 Yeah. 492 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:39,840 And I think this also says so much career because about where your brain is, because 493 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,920 you sent us a video already of your creep. 494 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:47,080 And so we kind of know what your nervous system is already prepped to do. 495 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,360 And your nervous system is pretty developed. 496 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:53,760 I don't remember exactly the percentage of maybe like 75, right? 497 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:59,240 And so that's so, it just makes so much sense that you're like, yeah, I'm able to just be 498 00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,000 compassionate and not go into that fight or flight mode. 499 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,320 Like that's just how it is, right? 500 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,760 Whereas somebody who's not, right? 501 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:11,080 A parent who's listening to this, who maybe goes into that moment of like kind of like 502 00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:15,720 Danny, like feeling really guilty or feeling like they have to beat themselves up or feeling 503 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:19,480 just anxious and overwhelmed all the time. 504 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,960 They're going to have a lot harder time with just being like, I don't feel guilty, right? 505 00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:27,080 And like looking at it kind of like you just said, with compassion and through a logical 506 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:32,200 lens from that logical brain, from that cognitive brain, you can't, right? 507 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:35,800 Because your primitive brain is taking over and that's who's at the wheel, right? 508 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,040 Is the primitive brain. 509 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:41,600 And so that's where this whole thing kind of comes together, right? 510 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:46,920 Is a prepping the brain to be more compassionate, prepping the brain to be more connected and 511 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:49,740 more logical and more loving and nurturing, right? 512 00:29:49,740 --> 00:29:52,840 If you're in survival mode, that's not going to be your MO. 513 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:53,840 You're surviving. 514 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:54,840 You're not nurturing. 515 00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:58,080 You're in a different operate mode, right? 516 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,120 Like it's just a different thing. 517 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:03,720 And I think that that's like a really cool piece of what's going to happen with this 518 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:04,720 program. 519 00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:06,440 And I know you're doing the program to us. 520 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,600 So I think it's going to be interesting to see kind of also your evolution. 521 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:13,840 I mean, obviously we've done it a million times, but that's going to be like a really 522 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:19,040 cool piece because I do think we were just listening to this really popular podcast last 523 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,320 week about, and they interviewed somebody about parenting. 524 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:26,200 And all of the strategies were just going through the cortex, right? 525 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:31,120 What you guys, what we all talked about right before getting on the call, take a deep breath, 526 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:37,880 zoom out, look at it from a logical perspective, make a game plan for how you're going to respond 527 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:39,500 rather than react. 528 00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:43,500 But that doesn't take into account the most natural thing in the world, which is going 529 00:30:43,500 --> 00:30:45,200 into survival mode, right? 530 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:47,720 And for so many people, that's it. 531 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:52,040 So you're in the survival mode and you're telling your brain to take a deep breath. 532 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:53,720 That brain doesn't process deep breaths. 533 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,060 That brain doesn't process logic. 534 00:30:56,060 --> 00:30:59,320 That brain processes shallow breathing here. 535 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:04,200 Survive, survive, anxiety, anxiety, anger, anger, whatever it might be. 536 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:05,200 Right? 537 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:09,480 And so that's where I think this is kind of like the way to, I hope that where I hope 538 00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:14,120 that it really hits home for parents that are in that moment is you got to start before 539 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:17,380 and then you'll be able to use all those other tools, right? 540 00:31:17,380 --> 00:31:20,720 All those amazing tools, all the knowledge is out there. 541 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:23,340 We've talked about all this amazing information. 542 00:31:23,340 --> 00:31:27,440 If your nervous system isn't prepped to receive it, it's just not going to go through. 543 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:29,300 The message isn't going to be clear. 544 00:31:29,300 --> 00:31:33,080 That makes me think of where parents are at. 545 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:35,680 And I think we've already kind of mentioned it. 546 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:37,760 People want, people are aware. 547 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:38,760 Yes. 548 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:43,680 They know that parenting is important. 549 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:49,920 After meeting me, they know that the infant years are important, and the childhood years 550 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:51,760 are important, adolescent years are important. 551 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:53,400 It's all important. 552 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:57,360 And that in itself can create a lot of anxiety because it's like, how is it important? 553 00:31:57,360 --> 00:31:58,360 What does that mean? 554 00:31:58,360 --> 00:31:59,360 What do I do? 555 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:00,360 So much pressure. 556 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:01,360 Yeah. 557 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:02,360 And like, who do I listen to? 558 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:03,360 Right. 559 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:05,920 And they want to break. 560 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:13,120 A lot of people want to both break intergenerational cycles of, you know, parenting, you know, 561 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:21,200 some of the harsher parenting and start new cycles of being connected, providing the scaffolding 562 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,960 and providing all the things that babies and children need. 563 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:25,960 Right. 564 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:30,760 But they can't, again, not possible in a survival brain. 565 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:37,400 That involves so much planning, so much cortical processing. 566 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:38,400 Exactly. 567 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:39,400 Exactly. 568 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:44,720 And that's why our company is called In the Cortex, because we want to give the brain 569 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:47,160 the tools that it needs to live in the cortex. 570 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:48,160 Right. 571 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:49,160 Yes. 572 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:50,160 Completely. 573 00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:54,400 And I think people are like, oh, I got to do so much to get ready for parenting or, 574 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,200 you know, all this kind of stuff. 575 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:01,840 But yeah, this kind of program is perfect for somebody in that spot. 576 00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:02,840 Right? 577 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:03,840 Absolutely. 578 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:04,840 Who's worried about it. 579 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:05,840 Yeah. 580 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:12,440 So because you just had an amazing press on Hillary Swank had an article writing, like, 581 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:16,200 if I could read you my baby list, like, what would I actually have on it? 582 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,120 And it would be Greer's book, obviously. 583 00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:20,520 And like, she had two items. 584 00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:26,080 She's like, honestly, like all that stuff that we spend so much time and energy on is 585 00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:28,920 absolutely worthless in the big picture. 586 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,040 Like, yeah, you need a stroller. 587 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:34,200 Yeah, you need, you know, a car seat, of course. 588 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:38,960 But like all the billion dollar industry that's marketing to you as a parent that you need 589 00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:40,840 this, this, this, this, this, and this. 590 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:45,880 It's like, no, you don't actually, all you need is to like have your baby close and respond 591 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:46,880 to your baby. 592 00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:47,880 That's nurtured parenting. 593 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:49,400 Will you share that really quick? 594 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:55,840 Nurtured parenting is being in an attuned emotional and physical relationship with your 595 00:33:55,840 --> 00:34:02,080 baby where you're conscious and aware of all the cues that they're putting out from their 596 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:06,480 survival brain, right, from their lower brain. 597 00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:07,520 When do they want to communicate? 598 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:11,760 We want to show up and communicate with them and go back and forth in communication and 599 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:14,840 play and movement. 600 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:21,760 When they're stressed, they need us to be regulated or regulating in the process of 601 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:28,000 regulation to be an external brain for them to bring their stress curve down, right? 602 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,800 Because they can't see that themselves, right? 603 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:31,920 That's that self soothing myth. 604 00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:33,480 Other babies can do it themselves. 605 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:34,480 They need us. 606 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:35,720 They need our mature brain. 607 00:34:35,720 --> 00:34:42,680 I say we have to lend them our cortex and our hippocampus to regulate. 608 00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,120 And then the last part is nurturing their sleep, right? 609 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:50,960 So we're nurturing them in all their states and with sleep, that's, you know, either being 610 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:56,680 close that proximity if they're needing it and responding to their stress at night too. 611 00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:57,680 Yeah. 612 00:34:57,680 --> 00:34:59,640 And so you, yeah. 613 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:04,280 And you can't do that if you are a parent who's in your own survival space. 614 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:08,880 Like you can't respond to anyone else's cues because you're like, what about me and mine? 615 00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:13,160 Like I just focused on me trying to stay alive here. 616 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:19,120 And I know that sounds like really drastic, but I know for me as a parent, because I mean, 617 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:23,680 Greer had development in her brain before she even had a baby. 618 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,200 So she could handle things differently. 619 00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:26,200 That was just natural. 620 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:28,320 That's just how it worked out for her. 621 00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:32,080 And I'm sure your parents were very attuned to you and you probably picked up a lot of 622 00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:33,400 that there. 623 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:37,400 And then someone like me who maybe didn't have like super chill parents and they know 624 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:38,400 we talk about this. 625 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:39,400 So it's okay that I share this. 626 00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:46,080 We have a great relationship with them and they didn't handle stress well because they 627 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:47,600 never were taught that either. 628 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:51,800 I actually did a podcast with my dad talking about that and what their parents were focused 629 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:53,680 on during their time. 630 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:59,200 But so for me, if I didn't do my brain work as before I had kids, I couldn't even imagine 631 00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:04,240 what I would have been because I was already like having your first child is very, it's 632 00:36:04,240 --> 00:36:05,240 jarring. 633 00:36:05,240 --> 00:36:10,200 Like it's a whole world of like, whoa, like everyone talks about how hard it is, but you 634 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:12,360 don't really know it until you're in it. 635 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:14,520 And you don't know. 636 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:16,840 And then all of a sudden you're like, wait, I have to take care of the human. 637 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:20,440 I don't know what, what, like what do I do? 638 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:26,120 And thank goodness I had some brain work under my belt, but the subconscious stuff was so 639 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:27,440 intense for me. 640 00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:28,440 Yeah. 641 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:33,600 So many doubts in my abilities, being able to be a good mom. 642 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:38,820 Like I just like doubted myself and I was just so critical and guilty all the time. 643 00:36:38,820 --> 00:36:42,040 So that tripped up a lot of my survival brain too, because I'm like, oh, I'm doing everything 644 00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:43,040 wrong. 645 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:44,040 Like what choice do I make? 646 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:47,680 And, and so I think that this is what this program is here to help with is to create 647 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:52,400 that community, create that village of, Hey, we all feel like there's probably some stuff 648 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,920 in the mainstream that's maybe not clicking and driving with you and your parenting. 649 00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:57,840 And you're like, I just found Greer's book. 650 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:00,160 Oh my gosh, this is speaking my language. 651 00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:01,580 Now what do I do? 652 00:37:01,580 --> 00:37:02,800 What tools do I have? 653 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:07,280 And I can assure you as soon as I get off this call, I'm going to be doing a reconnect 654 00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:12,000 on me about self-compassion and just like myself more. 655 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:14,040 And that's something I can do right now in minutes. 656 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:18,680 It'll shift and I can start showing up differently for my kids pretty quickly. 657 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:27,320 So for our mission, we're really wanting just to bring more awareness to the human element 658 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:33,040 of all of this and then giving practical tools that here's what you can do daily. 659 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,720 You don't have to do it online every single day. 660 00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:39,120 You watch some videos, you get to get on a live call. 661 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:40,920 Maybe we should talk about more of the program. 662 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:42,200 Yeah, let's talk about it. 663 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,200 We're going to have four live calls. 664 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,520 It starts on April 1st is the first call. 665 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:52,560 And then after each module, we're going to have another call, April 1st is the kickoff. 666 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:58,640 And each module is designed with a different theme to help guide whatever season of parenting 667 00:37:58,640 --> 00:37:59,640 you're in. 668 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:03,920 So the cool part about this program is that whether you have kids yet or you don't, you're 669 00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:07,240 still able to participate because like we just talked about on this, right? 670 00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:11,960 The sooner you can get yourself regulated, the more prepared you're going to be to help 671 00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:15,280 out your kiddos and really be the guide that you want to be for them. 672 00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:20,220 And so it's hosted online, but like Dani said, you don't have to spend hours and hours watching 673 00:38:20,220 --> 00:38:23,680 videos and kind of like consuming all that information on the computer. 674 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:28,440 We're going to have exercises, journal prompts and different guides for each, each season 675 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:32,920 of parenting, so to speak, that are going to help you keep working through this stuff, 676 00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:33,920 right? 677 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:38,480 So we're doing the brain work and the neurological reorganization, the brain reorganization 678 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:43,300 at the same time as we're doing all the emotional stuff and really digging into what's coming 679 00:38:43,300 --> 00:38:47,960 up for each person, because it's not always going to be the same for each parent, right? 680 00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:52,440 There's a lot of common themes, but you know, you're going to process parenting in a different 681 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:54,600 way that I would than Greer has, right? 682 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:59,840 And so that's also where we kind of love the combination of people that we have here because 683 00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:02,160 we can all speak to different things. 684 00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:03,920 And so yeah, it's going to be three months long. 685 00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:07,600 So we're going to get on those calls and then everybody has lifetime access afterwards. 686 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:12,120 So you, we always say this, we're showing you the tools. 687 00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:13,120 You have them. 688 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:14,440 We're just showing you how to use them, right? 689 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:18,560 So that's why we want people to just be able to come back, reference this, maybe when they 690 00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:22,620 have another child or maybe when they have, you know, less going on or if somebody's pregnant 691 00:39:22,620 --> 00:39:26,320 right now and they can't do the creepy, well, then they can come back and finish it later, 692 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:27,320 right? 693 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:28,960 So that's really what we want to do. 694 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:32,720 And we're going to have a community on Facebook and on WhatsApp and just really keep the momentum 695 00:39:32,720 --> 00:39:35,720 going throughout the whole program. 696 00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:40,100 And I think the most important piece is that the three of us are going to be participating 697 00:39:40,100 --> 00:39:43,600 and guiding and really communicating, answering questions. 698 00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:47,960 Like we're going to be dedicated to this group during the whole three months and forever, 699 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:49,360 obviously, because we created it. 700 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:53,360 But that's, you know, the cool pieces that we do have those, that live component that's 701 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:54,960 going to be really, really exciting. 702 00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:55,960 Yeah. 703 00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:59,920 And we're learning alongside, like, I mean, you know, just little nugget I got today and 704 00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:04,120 I'm like, I love that we're all in this space together, constantly learning. 705 00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,800 There's nobody who has it all figured out ever. 706 00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:13,320 And we're raw and real and we will cry with you and have breakthroughs alongside you. 707 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:17,540 So this is why we're so excited about this, because it's something that I wish I had spent 708 00:40:17,540 --> 00:40:20,680 more time on before I had kids. 709 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:23,160 Because I mean, I'm in it now, which is great. 710 00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:28,440 But like we said earlier, you find the information when it's meant to do and when you're ready 711 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:29,560 to absorb and learn it. 712 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:34,840 So I think that, yeah, that really, I really felt it when you said I wish I knew this because 713 00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:40,280 I knew I, I can have a reactive nervous system when I have like a lot of stressors added 714 00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:43,320 up and my window of tolerance is tiny, right? 715 00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:49,840 That nurture reservoir I call in my book can be very, you know, get, once that's depleted, 716 00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:52,720 I, you know, super reactive. 717 00:40:52,720 --> 00:40:56,520 I knew that before becoming a mom. 718 00:40:56,520 --> 00:41:05,160 I think that if I had known I could rewire myself, right, going into it, I would have 719 00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:07,040 jumped at that chance. 720 00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:12,920 The cool part too is like, I want to end this with when you start to really dive into this 721 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:16,840 work, you look at your relationship with your child so differently and you look at them 722 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:23,200 as your guide and your teacher, because my children teach me so much every school day. 723 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:28,080 It's amazing because they might not always listen to you, but they're watching you and 724 00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:32,880 they're watching and then they try to emulate you and you're like, where did that come 725 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:33,880 from? 726 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:34,880 And then you catch yourself doing it. 727 00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,040 You're like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. 728 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:42,600 So this is where we're trying to redefine the dynamic of it's not just obey me and listen 729 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:43,600 to me. 730 00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:44,600 I'm your parent. 731 00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:45,600 It was great. 732 00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:51,640 Like a team and having this like amazing synergy between the parent and kids and leveling the 733 00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:54,040 playing field that we're all just trying to get better. 734 00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:59,040 Cause that's such a great thing to teach our kids that growth mindset of you're never done 735 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:00,280 working on yourself. 736 00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:01,560 There's more always. 737 00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:02,560 Right. 738 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:04,520 So this is that to tee it up too. 739 00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:05,520 Completely. 740 00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:11,520 And I think so many of us are lacking in regulation and probably some of the development because 741 00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:13,520 we had no models. 742 00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:14,520 Right. 743 00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:15,520 Exactly. 744 00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:21,000 This is, you know, there's, there's some things in my book that I have that we can, we can 745 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:28,480 use to regulate and show our kids to model, but the program goes even further, you know, 746 00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:33,040 to really have us practice and have our kids around when we're practicing. 747 00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:35,440 And then that's breaking the cycle. 748 00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,040 That's exactly, there you go. 749 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:39,920 You know, we, this is how we do it. 750 00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:41,640 And that's the only way they learn. 751 00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:42,640 Yes. 752 00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:44,480 Only way is by seeing it. 753 00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:45,480 Agreed. 754 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:46,480 By being told. 755 00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:47,480 Oh my gosh. 756 00:42:47,480 --> 00:42:51,320 My son will walk around and be like, mom, you're so in your pawns right now. 757 00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:54,160 I'm like, you're right. 758 00:42:54,160 --> 00:42:55,840 I need to go do my creeping. 759 00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:56,840 It's needed. 760 00:42:56,840 --> 00:42:59,240 Like I stop everything I'm doing. 761 00:42:59,240 --> 00:43:01,760 And I'm like, I gotta go take care of me immediately. 762 00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:05,160 So I think having that humility of like, yeah, you're right. 763 00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:06,160 I'm so happy. 764 00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:10,520 My kids can tell me when I need some regulation and they can see it and they do it with me 765 00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,760 and we're like, okay, we're all better now. 766 00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:13,760 Okay. 767 00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:17,280 Amazing way to like shift out of certain states. 768 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:20,240 I'm so excited for our start. 769 00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:25,280 Like I feel like this just like revved up everything and I'm like, gosh, okay. 770 00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:30,120 So if you're interested in signing up, Pullma, can you help us with like where they find 771 00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:31,120 everything? 772 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,080 Yes, they can find it on our website. 773 00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,360 We have a, it's in our programs page. 774 00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:36,360 It's also on the homepage. 775 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:39,000 You can also find out the link in our bio. 776 00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:42,040 Our Instagram is in the cortex underscore us. 777 00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,920 Our tick tock is in underscore the underscore cortex. 778 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:49,520 And those both of those links in bio have the information for the program. 779 00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:55,640 And if you sign up soon, you're going to be able to, first of all, get started with looking 780 00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:56,640 at the intro. 781 00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:59,840 Everything's going to be dripped out on the 18, the first part. 782 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:02,660 So you can start looking at all the information beforehand. 783 00:44:02,660 --> 00:44:06,200 So we recommend securing your spot as soon as possible. 784 00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:08,440 And then we have the first call on April 1st. 785 00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,680 So we, you know, just, just try to get in there as soon as possible so that you have 786 00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:16,360 more information and you're really prepared by the time we have that first call. 787 00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,400 Cause it's definitely going to be a lot of stuff that we're going to be talking about 788 00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:21,400 and it's going to be so amazing. 789 00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:23,400 And that's it. 790 00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:26,800 Grier do you want to share your social media channels as well? 791 00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:28,920 Yeah, absolutely. 792 00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:36,240 On Instagram, I'm nurture underscore neuroscience underscore parenting. 793 00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:41,240 And you can find links to my website and all that good stuff there through that. 794 00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:42,240 Perfect. 795 00:44:42,240 --> 00:44:43,240 Okay, great. 796 00:44:43,240 --> 00:44:48,720 Well, we will talk to you very soon and we're just super excited about this and thank you 797 00:44:48,720 --> 00:44:50,200 so much for being here, Grier. 798 00:44:50,200 --> 00:45:13,040 Yeah, thank you.