1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,300 Hi, and welcome to the In the Cortex podcast. 2 00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,300 We are your hosts. 3 00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:11,640 I'm Paloma Garcia. 4 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,680 And I am Dani Perrecone. 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,600 And we're the founders of In the Cortex, an online community with programs that show people 6 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,520 the tools that they need to change their lives through brain reorganization. 7 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,920 No medication, just movement. 8 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:28,120 When you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate your nervous system, you start 9 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:32,160 to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the cortex. 10 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:36,560 Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the cortex life. 11 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:40,120 And now, on to today's episode. 12 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:46,920 Hi, welcome to part two of our holiday series. 13 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,520 Today we're going to talk about, what are we going to talk about, Dani? 14 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,520 Tell us. 15 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,520 Setting our intention. 16 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,900 We're going to go further on that one and with kids. 17 00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:55,900 With kids. 18 00:00:55,900 --> 00:01:00,360 We're going to be very parent focused and about, well, let's just get into it. 19 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,760 I think it's important to mention that we are going to be talking about the holiday, 20 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,280 specifically Christmas, because that's what the two of us celebrate. 21 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:11,000 But this is something that applies, I think, for many different family situations, family, 22 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,200 you know, parties, engagements, anything, you know, whatever you have. 23 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,200 Friends, anytime. 24 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,200 Even friends, right? 25 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,200 It doesn't have to be just family. 26 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:21,440 Just a moment when you as a family, you with your immediate family, are going into a group, 27 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:27,120 a bigger group of people who you don't always know everything about them necessarily and 28 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,280 you don't know what the expectations are always going to be. 29 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,000 Again, society's expectations. 30 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,000 I will say it once and again. 31 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,000 Too high. 32 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,000 Too high. 33 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,000 Anyway, go. 34 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,000 Right. 35 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,440 And this one is near and dear to my heart because I feel like I, I mean, obviously I'm on this 36 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,400 journey because I'm a parent. 37 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:48,640 And when you become a parent, you realize how hard it is. 38 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:53,160 And everything that you read in books and see on social media, you're like, yes, that's 39 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:54,160 great. 40 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:55,920 I'm going to do that. 41 00:01:55,920 --> 00:02:01,120 And then the minute your child hits that button, you're just like, I can't hold it together 42 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,120 anymore. 43 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,440 You know, you like fall apart. 44 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:07,680 And that is what I think all parents and then we all go to bed lying in bed going, I wish 45 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:08,720 I did that different. 46 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,040 And then you find yourself just like wanting to apologize. 47 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,640 And then you're just like, I don't want to be that parent. 48 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,720 I don't know how to change it. 49 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,440 And it's funny because we've been doing this for so long. 50 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,880 I'd say, what is it, like four months ago, we decided to go through our own program because 51 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,680 we're like, that just makes sense. 52 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:28,280 And we actually committed to doing it every single day, 20 minutes a day of doing our 53 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:29,280 brain work. 54 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:30,840 I did it with my kids. 55 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,560 And funny enough, everything changed. 56 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:33,560 Right. 57 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:38,040 I went from and you were even here in July and I remember having a breakdown. 58 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,320 I had a massive, I can remember the one when I was in the bathroom. 59 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,720 I just had this, there was a couple of things happening. 60 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:44,720 My brain was overstimulated. 61 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,340 I was overwhelmed. 62 00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:50,240 And then I had this subconscious of I'm a single parent doing this on my own. 63 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,840 And I feel like there's eyes on me, like, what are you going to do? 64 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,000 And I'm just like, but I'm alone and I just want support. 65 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,120 And I had that feeling of just being overwhelmed. 66 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:05,120 And I did not handle my four year old daughters upset very well. 67 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:06,880 And I felt the frustration. 68 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:10,240 And then our regulation was complete dysregulation. 69 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,280 And it was just like, wait a minute, this is not working. 70 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:19,880 So since that July until today, now she gets upset and I'm like, you're four. 71 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,040 You're supposed to get upset because it's hard to figure this world out. 72 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,920 I'm still figuring it out. 73 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:29,720 And I feel like now I've just removed this expectation. 74 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:34,800 And that's what's really huge is now that I just said that out loud, my interpretation 75 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:39,720 of expectation comes from the perception that society has expectations. 76 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,120 But honestly, I was creating them. 77 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,120 Right, exactly. 78 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,120 I mean, they're coming from society. 79 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,120 They are coming. 80 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:46,120 But it's you that decides. 81 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:50,120 You're deciding which ones you attach to and which ones you don't. 82 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:51,120 100%. 83 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,120 And they always change too. 84 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:56,160 I think they change your expectations for your kids in your home are going to be different 85 00:03:56,160 --> 00:04:02,080 from in the car, from at Target, from at school or in the pod, from at your friend's house, 86 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,440 from at a distant relative's house. 87 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,520 Time of day, have they eaten? 88 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:11,360 And we don't always have that leeway for ourselves, by the way. 89 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,440 That important parenthesis right there. 90 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:20,040 But I think it's also coming into the holidays and all that stuff, it's like, what are my 91 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:25,400 intentions and what are my expectations for myself and for my kids going into this new 92 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,400 situation? 93 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,400 Right? 94 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,480 Because that's going to align with what your intention is. 95 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,560 You know what I mean? 96 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:36,240 And I had expectations and intentions to do great. 97 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,400 And like I said, I would go to the social media posts like, yes, I want to be that parent. 98 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,200 Yeah, I can do that. 99 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,780 And then once that trigger hit, I couldn't be that parent because I was dysregulated. 100 00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:51,000 So then after doing the brain work 20 minutes a day for three months now, I'm like, I'm 101 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,000 that parent. 102 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,200 And I didn't have to effort my way through. 103 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,200 It just happened. 104 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,600 I all of a sudden grew my bandwidth. 105 00:04:56,600 --> 00:05:00,800 And this is obviously a giant plug for our own program because we believe in it. 106 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,000 And we've been doing it for so long. 107 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,480 And we see the effects of what happens when you regulate your nervous system on a daily 108 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:09,680 basis because there's so many stressors hitting us constantly. 109 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:10,680 We had that talk today. 110 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:11,880 Oh, that's a big one. 111 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,360 Really quick side note. 112 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,760 500 years ago, right? 113 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:16,760 Like Machiavelli. 114 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,760 How do you say his name? 115 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:26,080 Like type of like Aristotle and like all of those philosophers. 116 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:30,760 They would process in one entire lifetime the amount of information that we process 117 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,520 now in one day. 118 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:39,440 That is like, and what's crazy is humanity has not moved forward really that much. 119 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,040 Which is also sad. 120 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,640 But then what are we? 121 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,040 We're stressed out of our minds. 122 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,360 There's too much going on. 123 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:46,360 There's too much. 124 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,360 And we just posted it. 125 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:51,680 We made a social media post about that today is we used to believe or we used to when we 126 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:55,080 were first trained that you could only you had to clock a certain amount of hours of 127 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,480 brain work and brain movements and all that stuff. 128 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,240 And then you were done. 129 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,400 And we were like, that's not doesn't make sense anymore. 130 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,400 It's not the truth anymore. 131 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:07,120 I think maybe even when they did study this stuff in the 50s, that was true. 132 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,120 For sure. 133 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,720 But it wasn't social media. 134 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:10,720 Exactly. 135 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:12,320 All this stuff that's going on. 136 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:16,440 It really is creating this world where we're overstimulated all the time. 137 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:20,720 So you are actually going to have to go back into that regulation space. 138 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,920 But let's bring this back to the holidays. 139 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,800 So what's your take on that? 140 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,120 And honestly, the holidays is a very stimulating time. 141 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,920 It's like now all we have to do is everything like buy, buy, buy. 142 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:32,920 Like when everyone's right. 143 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,520 So for me, it's like here are the toys I would buy for my kids. 144 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,400 And then you have the pressure of I've got to buy my kids toys. 145 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,960 And I'm actually in this space where I've been telling my kids. 146 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:41,960 I was like, you know what? 147 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,280 I've had a chat with the big guy, Santa. 148 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:50,360 And we've agreed that we don't need any more toys because it sounds insane to have to get 149 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,040 more toys for me to constantly remind you to keep cleaning them up. 150 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,240 Do you see that insanity cycle we're on? 151 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,240 So you know what? 152 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:57,640 I think experience is the way to go. 153 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:01,080 So we're talking passes, like season passes. 154 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:05,240 And we'll still do fun things to open presents because being a kid in childhood, you can't 155 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,400 ever replace that time. 156 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,240 And we all remember the magic of Christmas. 157 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,920 And then we all remember the moment where it just like fizzled out. 158 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:15,560 And you're like, I want to go back to being a kid. 159 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:20,200 But during the holidays is the time where it feels like your family's under a microscope. 160 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,200 Right. 161 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,160 And it's where you're coming in. 162 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:28,240 You're now seeing aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, if that's your case, that you 163 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,240 haven't seen for a while. 164 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,240 And then they see your child. 165 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,800 They're like, what's going on? 166 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:36,320 And then I get a lot of comments about how skinny my children are. 167 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:37,760 Oh my gosh. 168 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:43,240 And I will tell you, and they are thin, but they also move so much. 169 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:47,200 I was going to say they are always jumping around, running around. 170 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,800 I mean, they are in a healthy way. 171 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:52,680 It doesn't mean that they're like, you know, they know, like outside, they're always running. 172 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:53,680 Yeah. 173 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:54,680 I mean, Axel does. 174 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,800 My son is primed to move like that. 175 00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:58,800 He just needs movement. 176 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:03,640 And that's why we found this option of schooling for him because that's what fits his brain 177 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:04,640 profile. 178 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:05,640 Yeah. 179 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,400 But yeah, so I think I get a lot of comments of like, oh, how old is your son? 180 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,400 He's so skinny. 181 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:15,240 And I'm like, and I go in my own internal system, because I grew up being the chubbier 182 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,400 girl and my brother being really skinny. 183 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,000 So it does hit that core wound from back in the day. 184 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,000 Right. 185 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,240 But also the point of it is like, how is that common intended? 186 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,240 Yes. 187 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,520 Like, is that intended to help me? 188 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:26,520 Exactly. 189 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,960 And how do you set your intention because you know which family members are going to 190 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:29,960 comment on your kid's weight. 191 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,320 And you know who it is? 192 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:32,720 It's always the ones that are hurting. 193 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:33,720 Of course. 194 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:34,720 Hurt people hurt people. 195 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:38,920 Again, we always go back to the same thing, but it's the truth. 196 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,840 Like, we're all coming from that stuff. 197 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:44,840 And this expectation that everybody's bodies should be a certain way makes no sense. 198 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:45,840 Oh, no. 199 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:49,360 Because it's, I mean, that'll be a whole other podcast. 200 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:54,140 But yeah, I think that that's the biggest thing is it's coming from their own perception 201 00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:55,140 of life. 202 00:08:55,140 --> 00:08:56,140 Right. 203 00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:58,240 And we're going to talk about that in the next episode. 204 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:03,120 But it's about understanding where people's comments are coming from in that situation. 205 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:09,880 And kind of learning that your family isn't always going to fit into what everybody thinks 206 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,880 it will be, if that makes sense. 207 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:12,880 Right? 208 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,240 Like the perfect family, the kids that listen and obey. 209 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,920 All the cousins getting along perfectly and being best friends and whatever. 210 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,240 It's just not going to happen. 211 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,440 And we don't come from that because now we're a super blended family. 212 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:24,440 Exactly. 213 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:29,880 We're not from, you know, now we're divorced and trying to balance when do I even have 214 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,360 my kids on holidays. 215 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,320 And so there's that element too. 216 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,320 But I will say I used to care a lot about that. 217 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:37,920 I used to hang on to the comments. 218 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:42,320 I used to actually have a physiological reaction if someone called my children skinny because 219 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,920 it went back to when my son had a hard time breastfeeding. 220 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:45,920 Right? 221 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:49,120 So there was a root to it being like, oh, you're not able to provide and you're not 222 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,160 a good enough mom to feed your child. 223 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,160 Right. 224 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,440 So for me, it used to hit a core wound. 225 00:09:54,440 --> 00:10:00,080 But since we've done the program and since I have committed to regulating my system daily, 226 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,000 I now can just like skirt through life differently. 227 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,160 It's just more of like I'm just cruising and I'm like, cool, cool. 228 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,160 Thanks for your comment. 229 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,160 Thanks for your feedback. 230 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,160 Not for me. 231 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,160 I'm going to ditch it. 232 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,160 It's like in one area out the other. 233 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,640 And it doesn't have the same impact on me. 234 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,120 Well, you're also prepping yourself and prepping your kids for all these situations. 235 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:20,000 But I will tell you, I did not set my intention for Thanksgiving. 236 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,880 And there were a lot of things that fell through the cracks because there's a lot of drama 237 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,840 that happened over Thanksgiving this year. 238 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,680 I'm not going to get into it. 239 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:27,680 But a lot of kids that... 240 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:28,680 I want to hear about it later. 241 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:32,240 There are a lot of kids that maybe weren't in their cortex. 242 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:36,220 But that's the other part too is we should and I've seen this on social media. 243 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:40,800 This is the beautiful part about social media is the good reminders is that our kids are 244 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,840 allowed to have bad days just as much as we are. 245 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:43,840 Right? 246 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:44,840 Yeah. 247 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:45,840 How many times you're like, I'm just having a day. 248 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:46,840 Right. 249 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,120 And my four year old is not allowed to. 250 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:49,120 Right. 251 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:50,120 Because of the incidents. 252 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,120 Why not? 253 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,120 Right? 254 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,720 So here's where we say, it's okay if you have an off day, but what's the repair? 255 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:56,720 Absolutely. 256 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:57,720 How do we grow from it? 257 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:58,720 How do we learn? 258 00:10:58,720 --> 00:10:59,720 What's the lesson? 259 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,720 And so that's what we're big about here is let's reflect and go deeper. 260 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,680 But back to the whole setting the intentions. 261 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:10,920 For my kids, we're talking about Christmas, what's to expect, how are things going to 262 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:11,920 go? 263 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,280 And you're walking them through every piece of it. 264 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,120 I think that's a big part of it. 265 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:20,160 I mean, depending on the age that people have of people's kids, but maybe go through a few 266 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:25,920 tips of like, how do I set my kid up for my two year old, my five to seven year old, my 267 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,280 10 year old for how they're going to handle the holidays. 268 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,760 Teenagers, it's a little bit trickier, but you actually have a lot of experience with 269 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:32,760 that too now. 270 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,760 So like, how do you set those expectations? 271 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,440 Like, what are you going to walk them through? 272 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:41,000 Because you're going to talk about the different cousins or kids that are their age, right? 273 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,000 That are there. 274 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,920 You're going to talk about the different other relatives. 275 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:44,920 Food. 276 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,880 Like, what if you have a picky eater? 277 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:47,880 How are you going to handle that? 278 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:48,880 Right? 279 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,680 How are we going to handle if there's something you didn't expect for dinner? 280 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,680 Right? 281 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,040 How are we going to handle the whole gift situation? 282 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,240 Like, if somebody gets a gift and you don't, what's going to happen? 283 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,240 Right? 284 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,160 And so kind of walk me through a little bit of like different strategies. 285 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,400 Well, you already know the first thing I'm going to say. 286 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:08,120 It's always going to be, and this is so huge because I wasn't doing the brain work with 287 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,920 my kids regularly. 288 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:14,060 And then we were just hitting a lot more conflict and we're having a lot more moments of dealing 289 00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:18,200 with all those issues you just mentioned and then being big explosive moments. 290 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,440 And now I still set my kids up. 291 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:25,240 We have our intentions set, but we have the brain work that supports them being able to 292 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,820 roll with because I can't predict everything. 293 00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:31,140 So on Thanksgiving, for example, I didn't know if there were going to be more kids showing 294 00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:34,560 up or not because people were kind of wishy washy if they were coming. 295 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,720 And then I kind of told my kids, I was like, I don't know if there's going to be other 296 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:37,720 kids there. 297 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,360 And they were able to handle it. 298 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,360 In the past, they were like, I don't want to go. 299 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,360 I don't want to do it. 300 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,360 I don't want to do it. 301 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,360 It sounds so stupid, right? 302 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:46,360 Like, I just want to go and be with my dad now. 303 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,360 Right. 304 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:53,000 And so since we've been doing the brain work and they can now just roll with the situation, 305 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,000 kids showed up. 306 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,860 And that was the cool part too, was that they were already in their cortex. 307 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,360 So then it allowed for more cool stuff to start happening. 308 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:01,360 And that was... 309 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,360 Exactly. 310 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:06,400 And you're also seeing a moment of, at least for Axel probably, where he's able to just 311 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,160 go with the flow and hang out with everybody. 312 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,160 He really is. 313 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,160 He's... 314 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:11,960 He has grown so much. 315 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,560 Both of them, honestly, I'm so impressed with both of them this time. 316 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:15,560 Yeah. 317 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:16,560 I mean, Siggy is... 318 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:17,560 Totally different people. 319 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:18,560 Like, who are they? 320 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:19,560 I mean, it's amazing. 321 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:20,560 It's so expressive. 322 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:21,560 They're so themselves. 323 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:22,560 It's adorable. 324 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:23,560 I love it. 325 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:27,360 And I love that you see that and get that because sometimes you can be in your vacuum 326 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,640 and not really get that perspective. 327 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:33,400 But then I can remember back when you were here in July and how much harder it was. 328 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,360 Like sitting down and working for us. 329 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,400 This would have never been able to happen. 330 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,800 It's a totally different playing field. 331 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:45,240 So do the program, number one, because you're going to put in the effort and it's going 332 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:49,360 to be harder in the beginning because you have to get them to do the brain work. 333 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,680 But you, the parent, having the demeanor and adopting the demeanor that this is what I 334 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:57,040 need to do to help me be a better parent, your kids will jump on board. 335 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,040 Absolutely. 336 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:03,020 And if you keep them motivated with what's in it for them, basically what's in terms 337 00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:05,440 of their brain, that's all that they need to hear. 338 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,160 We saw that today at the school. 339 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,280 We interviewed a bunch of kids. 340 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,600 Like, why are you doing this? 341 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,040 Because it makes my brain more connected. 342 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,240 How do you feel after you do this? 343 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,240 I feel more calm. 344 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,540 I feel more energized. 345 00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:17,280 It's easier for me to be with my friends. 346 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:21,120 That's all you want to hear from a child who, especially a child who's having challenges, 347 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,680 but even kids who aren't. 348 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:25,240 You just want them to be happy and be connected. 349 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:29,920 And so that's ultimately it is if you do talk to your kids about this stuff, they're going 350 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:30,920 to be more prepared. 351 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:36,600 And so I think also another thing you do a lot is talk to them about it very openly. 352 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,160 This is what's going on. 353 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,360 Let's be truthful here, right? 354 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,400 Let's work out the situation together. 355 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:43,400 100%. 356 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,400 We talk about it all the time. 357 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,560 We talk about it from our personal level. 358 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,920 We talk about it from what we see in our surroundings. 359 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:55,480 Like, if Axel's having a challenging time with a teammate or a student, a fellow classmate, 360 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:59,120 and we just explain what's going on, he's like, they just need brain work. 361 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,120 He explained it to me yesterday. 362 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,120 It was so cute. 363 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,120 I was like, so what's going on? 364 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:06,280 He was talking about some kiddo that's having a hard time in school. 365 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:10,000 And I think he was being aggressive with Axel. 366 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,080 And I said, well, I meant to ask him, what did he do to you? 367 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,000 But I said, what's going on with him? 368 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,760 And Axel goes, he doesn't do brain work. 369 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:17,760 And I was like, oh, OK. 370 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:18,760 In a nutshell. 371 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:19,760 In a nutshell. 372 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:20,760 I was like, OK, I got it. 373 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:21,760 And it's cool for that. 374 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:22,760 That's amazing. 375 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,360 Yeah, because he knows he doesn't want to be that way. 376 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,780 His brain just doesn't have the connections to help him be something else. 377 00:15:29,780 --> 00:15:34,240 And in comparison with Axel, who has all those connections, he's like, this happened. 378 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:35,240 He hit me. 379 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,240 He did this. 380 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,240 He did that. 381 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,200 And this is how I've been handling it. 382 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:43,640 And I know, mom, if it happens again, I'm going to be really, really mad. 383 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,720 And I'm going to want to retaliate. 384 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,040 He literally used the word retaliate. 385 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,840 I was like, just vocabulary. 386 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,000 I was just so impressed with him yesterday. 387 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,960 And he's like, I'm going to want to retaliate. 388 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,200 And Danny, you're like, OK, but what are you going to do? 389 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,360 Well, I think I can probably go get my teacher. 390 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,720 He was kind of fighting that urge. 391 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,000 Like, I really want to. 392 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,160 But then he was like, yeah, I'm going to go get the teacher, get some help. 393 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,400 And it was so awesome to see him working this out. 394 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,920 I mean, he's seven years old. 395 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:07,920 What? 396 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:08,920 What seven-year-old does this? 397 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:14,000 And the beautiful part is maybe not so beautiful, but the rest of your life, you're going to 398 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,720 be around people who aren't in their cortex. 399 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:17,720 Because not everyone is. 400 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:18,720 It is beautiful. 401 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:19,720 Because if not, it is beautiful. 402 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,920 Because if you're in your survival brain, too, then you're just going to be putting 403 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,520 the ends with everybody all the time. 404 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,080 And your life is also going to be hard. 405 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,080 Exactly. 406 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,160 So right now, of course, it's hard to have somebody being aggressive with you or whatever 407 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,400 it is in school. 408 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,320 But it's way harder if you're engaging with it as well. 409 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,640 And that's at all ages. 410 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,640 100%. 411 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,000 So we talked about options. 412 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,000 What are your options? 413 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,160 So you're noticing, here's my challenge. 414 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:42,160 What are your options? 415 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,120 So when you're in your cortex, you have options. 416 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:48,520 When you're able to see things from different angles and go, OK, how can I handle this? 417 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:52,960 And your brain is able just to have that flexibility, like we talked about in the last episode. 418 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:58,520 So setting the intention is so much easier when you're working with someone who has a 419 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,840 brain that is in the cortex. 420 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,880 That's just going to be the obvious first step. 421 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:08,560 And I can tell you, my life is so much easier when I put those 20 minutes in a day. 422 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:09,560 Yeah. 423 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:10,560 Oh my God. 424 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:11,560 Prime ourselves. 425 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,120 And now let's talk about how this is going to go. 426 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,440 And you're going to be able to handle the nose and, hey, you just got to roll with it. 427 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,280 And sometimes because I said so. 428 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:23,480 And I mean, we just went on a vacation just to the desert. 429 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:28,920 And I and Axel last year at the desert was overstimulated with the sounds of all the 430 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,960 motorbikes and all the things he was covering his ears. 431 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,320 He was just like, I don't like this. 432 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,480 This is all so new to me. 433 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,920 And he was having a hard time rolling that asking a ton. 434 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,480 He still asked a ton of questions. 435 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:43,920 But it like in a way of out of curiosity, not out of like sort of anxiety. 436 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,440 Yeah, exactly. 437 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:46,780 And so totally. 438 00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:47,840 And he walked up to kids. 439 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:48,840 We just posted the video. 440 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,800 And I remember him being like, Mom, I want to go hang out. 441 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,000 I want to meet some kids. 442 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,000 I was like, cool. 443 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,360 And I was like, I'm going to video this. 444 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,600 I just want to watch the interaction of him go make some friends. 445 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:58,600 It was not planned. 446 00:17:58,600 --> 00:17:59,600 And I just pulled out my camera. 447 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,640 I was like, he just walked right up and just like watching his body language. 448 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,040 It was like, hey, dude, what's up? 449 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,320 And I'm like, so many adults can't do that. 450 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,320 Exactly. 451 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,360 Like adults can't even walk and be like, hey, how's it going? 452 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,360 How are you? 453 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,360 Like, can I have a try? 454 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,640 It was just amazing. 455 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,840 So that's the first step. 456 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:22,420 So now setting the intention, you the adult have the resources to see what's coming, right? 457 00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:23,880 If you have an organized brain. 458 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:24,880 Yes. 459 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:25,880 So there it goes again. 460 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:26,880 Do the program. 461 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:27,880 Well, yes, exactly. 462 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:28,880 That's always going to be a thing. 463 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,720 But at the same time, if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably figuring 464 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:34,400 out some ways to make your life easier, right? 465 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,520 Whether or not you've started the program. 466 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,520 Hint hint. 467 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:42,720 But I think that there's also a really important thing is to always do it when you are in your 468 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:43,720 cortex. 469 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,400 Don't try to set your intention when you're already like in that fight or flight survival 470 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:51,280 anxiety mode, because that's just going to make you feel so much worse. 471 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,920 And it's just going to kick you further into that survival mode because you're only adding 472 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,240 fuel to the fire, right? 473 00:18:56,240 --> 00:19:03,320 When you're giving threats, and then you're like, wait, I'm threatening you with this 474 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,240 or this and they're extreme. 475 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,680 With even thinking about things. 476 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:07,680 Yeah. 477 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:13,320 So and my fiance, shout out to him because I always call him out on this, but he said 478 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,280 something and I said, you know, it's okay, because my mom gave me this tip just recently 479 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:21,920 and since my cortex is now online, I can hear feedback so different. 480 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,760 And my mom was like, you know, you can say to your kids, let me think of what I'm going 481 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:26,760 to do. 482 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:30,160 I don't know what to do right now in this moment, but let me think of an option that's 483 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,360 going to help teach you how to handle this in the future. 484 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,360 Excuse me. 485 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:39,640 And you don't have to have an immediate answer all the time because sometimes you don't know 486 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:40,640 as a parent. 487 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,800 Sometimes you need to go calm yourself down because you're triggered. 488 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:46,040 You're like, well, my kid just hit me with something. 489 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:50,200 Or I mean, obviously in that situation, you can probably come back with a very strong, 490 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,880 like when my daughter hit me with the Barbie, I did one or I said, if you hit me with the 491 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:55,040 Barbie, that's going in the trash. 492 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,640 And I actually had the boundaries to throw it in the trash. 493 00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:58,640 You did? 494 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,120 This is how different my boundaries are. 495 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:04,120 Because she would have thrown it in the trash and I would have been like, that's $10. 496 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,440 Down the drain, those Barbies are expensive. 497 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:11,300 And I was like, no, she needs, I told you, because she wound up and I was like, if you 498 00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:13,400 decide to hit me with that, it will be in the trash. 499 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,440 But it was a very calm response to her. 500 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,640 And she goes, let me test you. 501 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:23,240 And she swipes me kind of half, like didn't full on whack me with it, but gave me a swipe 502 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:24,240 because she was upset. 503 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,280 I'm not saying it's okay, but I said, okay, can I please have the Barbie? 504 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,080 And I took it and I walked out. 505 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,960 She kind of whimpered, not even a full blow meltdown. 506 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:32,960 Whoa. 507 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,600 Okay, mom means business. 508 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,920 And this is what you're going to see when you have that conviction in you as a parent 509 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:43,560 that I no longer, because that's where a lot of my parenting came from. 510 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:48,160 When I would set an intention or I would set the expectation and then I told them what 511 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:52,360 the natural consequence or the cause and effect was going to be if we didn't do X, Y, and 512 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:56,640 Z and we talked about it ahead of time, I then would be like, ooh, am I being too hard? 513 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:57,640 Right. 514 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:58,640 Ooh, is this, are they? 515 00:20:58,640 --> 00:20:59,640 That's the mom guilt. 516 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,640 Then the guilt and then all that might kick in. 517 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:02,640 Am I traumatizing them? 518 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:03,640 Yeah. 519 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:05,640 Yeah, like how am I rupturing our relationship? 520 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,520 But then I came from a different place. 521 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,360 I was like, no, everyone needs boundaries. 522 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,880 Boundaries are healthy within reason, right? 523 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,880 So if you're going to hit me with something, then, ooh, it's not safe for you to have that. 524 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:17,120 I need to go throw it in the trash. 525 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,120 And it's like that. 526 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:19,120 It doesn't be, I can't believe it. 527 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,120 I can't believe it. 528 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,120 Yeah, it doesn't have to be. 529 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:22,120 And then you're ripping out. 530 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,120 So this scene, right? 531 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,480 It's just, can I please have your Barbie? 532 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,480 Okay, it's going in the trash. 533 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,040 And I said, we talked about this. 534 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,680 I told you if you're going to hit me with it, it's going to be gone. 535 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,680 And she's like, oh, oh, shoot. 536 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:33,680 Okay. 537 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:34,680 I heard that. 538 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,520 So, and do you think she's going to hit me with a Barbie? 539 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,520 No. 540 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:38,520 She's like, that boundary is now clear. 541 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:39,520 Exactly. 542 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:43,240 And so this is where the intention matches the boundary. 543 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:50,240 And then you can have that consequence that helps our kids understand how the world works. 544 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,360 And also, yes, absolutely. 545 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,240 And understand how to navigate themselves at some point. 546 00:21:55,240 --> 00:22:00,400 And like you and I said this, have said this before, a parent's job really is to be that 547 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:05,520 bubble of that boundary in those first years. 548 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,600 And the boundary might get a little bit wider and wider as they grow up. 549 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:12,640 And then eventually you can go like this and they understand where it is. 550 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,720 But if you never put it down, they never know where it is. 551 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,800 So they're going to be all the way over here trying to figure out where's the boundary? 552 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:18,800 Where's the boundary? 553 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,960 And we humans need to understand where it is. 554 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,640 It's just a natural part of who we are. 555 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:29,960 And so that's one of the coolest things is as parents learning what works for you as 556 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:30,960 well. 557 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,760 Because what works for you might not work for somebody who's watching this podcast. 558 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,960 So it's learning that works for your own family. 559 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:40,760 And also there's a TikTok trend going on right now about remember when you look at your parents, 560 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,640 like these like corny videos of like parents being adorable. 561 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:48,120 And it's like, remember, this is also your first, your parents first time living life. 562 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:52,160 Like they don't, you know, they might have more experience, but they haven't been in 563 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,280 this specific part of their life yet either. 564 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,280 Right. 565 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:56,880 Just like you haven't been in this specific part of yours. 566 00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:57,880 100%. 567 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,440 So always about having that compassion for others. 568 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,240 And that's what our whole next episode is all about. 569 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,240 Yeah. 570 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:04,240 And okay, two things really quick. 571 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:08,240 So back to behavior, because you're going to be with family and they might be judging 572 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:12,040 your behavior and they might immediately think, oh, this is because of your parenting. 573 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:17,320 And it might be, you know, there could be some, there's always room for improvement. 574 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:21,320 But the other part too, as I always like to say, but okay, it's a lot parenting and it's 575 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,320 a lot brain. 576 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:23,320 Yes. 577 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,520 So there's the brain based behaviors, right? 578 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:31,040 Not being able to sit still, make eye contact, process information, filter out the unimportant 579 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:35,320 stuff, know how to keep my hands to myself because I'm always looking for where my body 580 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,720 is in space. 581 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,520 So there's a lot of brain based behaviors. 582 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,440 Then there's the behaviors that are learned and that is the parenting. 583 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:43,440 Exactly. 584 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:44,600 So those have to work together. 585 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,880 And then the parenting really has to come in when we have some never ever's like hitting, 586 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:52,600 spitting, kicking, anything that's obviously very dangerous. 587 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,160 That's not okay to ever do. 588 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,280 Like the Barbie hitting me with the Barbie. 589 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:59,640 That's never ever in your life going to serve you and help you be a better person to hit 590 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:00,640 someone with a Barbie. 591 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:01,640 Or with anything. 592 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:02,640 Or with anything. 593 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,220 So that's where you have to look at all components of it. 594 00:24:06,220 --> 00:24:10,240 And that's what our program helps you do is first regulate you, the parent, so you can 595 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,840 be rational. 596 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,760 And then you look at what does my child need, right? 597 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:20,080 And so when your family comes to you and gives you some sort of a judgment on, oh your child's 598 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:21,360 not sitting and eating. 599 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,360 You're like, oh well thank you for that feedback. 600 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:24,360 That's a good one. 601 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:25,360 I love that. 602 00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:28,360 The thank you for the feedback leaves them with absolutely nothing. 603 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:29,360 Oh, okay. 604 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,520 Cute, they acknowledged me. 605 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:36,000 And now I feel like kind of a jerk because I just said something that wasn't needed. 606 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,000 Exactly. 607 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,680 And they said it thinking it'd help them feel better, but it actually doesn't. 608 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,200 And it's also a good way to mirror yourself, right? 609 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:46,720 Like when you look at somebody you're like feeling like you want to make that comment. 610 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,760 Why am I making that comment? 611 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,320 What is that going to give me? 612 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,720 Is it going to give me the satisfaction of feeling like I'm better than that person because 613 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,360 of blank, right? 614 00:24:55,360 --> 00:25:00,000 Because my kid is strong and the other kid is skinny or whatever it might be, right? 615 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:04,120 I mean that's also where we as adults have to take that. 616 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,000 Especially when it has, when kids are involved. 617 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:10,560 Because especially in these young, young ages, zero to seven, that's when they're taking 618 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,520 in so many messages about themselves. 619 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:16,040 And so imagine if the kid overhears you talking about their body. 620 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,520 That's an internalized message right there about their body not being good enough, not 621 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,160 being valuable, not being worthy, whatever it might be. 622 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:26,840 So it's also so important because we do, even if we are dysregulated as adults, we always 623 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:27,840 have more tools in the kids. 624 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:28,840 Always. 625 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:29,840 That's for sure. 626 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:30,840 100%. 627 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:31,840 We have more experience. 628 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,440 So there's the thank you for the feedback line. 629 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,800 And then there's, I kind of forgot where else I was going with this. 630 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:48,640 But there's the need for how do I then help give that child their, getting that need met. 631 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:54,720 And so it's like maybe at the dinner table, and this is where you can now be the expert. 632 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,080 Because when you're the expert for your child and you're advocating for your child, then 633 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,400 people are kind of like, oh, okay, she's got it, right? 634 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,200 And you're educated, you know what kind of what's happening. 635 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,560 Like actually I've been learning about his vestibular system and it's really hard for 636 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,080 him to sit still. 637 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:11,320 So I am okay with him standing up at the table. 638 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:16,720 That's another one we wanted to touch on is what the other expectations are for your kids, 639 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:17,720 right? 640 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,800 So that somebody requiring that all the kids sit at the dinner table, if you know that 641 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:26,360 about your kid's brain, you need to speak up and be like, hey, actually I'm okay with 642 00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:28,440 my kids standing at the dinner table. 643 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,520 Or maybe running around and then coming and having a bite. 644 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:32,960 Depending on what's okay with each person's family. 645 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,160 And you can build something in so you can make it sneaky. 646 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:38,360 So if you know this is something, be like, hey, Axel, can you go get some napkins? 647 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:39,360 So he's getting up. 648 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:41,120 Hey, Axel, can you go get me some water? 649 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:45,600 So you're building in breaks because you know his brain needs to get up and move. 650 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:50,000 And it doesn't look like it's disruptive, but you talk about it ahead of time. 651 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:55,040 See, I know sitting at the table is challenging for you, but I also know you need to eat to 652 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,240 help fuel your body, okay? 653 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,080 So let's talk about options. 654 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:02,080 How about you look at me and I'm going to tell you, you need to go do this, this, and 655 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,080 this. 656 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:04,680 And I notice that you do have to front load. 657 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:07,720 You do have to be prepared for what's to come. 658 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,440 But I'll tell you, I start to get a little bit more relaxed when my kids are living more 659 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:12,440 cortex. 660 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:13,440 Of course. 661 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,120 And then I don't have to worry about front loading nearly as much. 662 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:19,200 So you set the expectation with the children of, hey, this is what we need to be able to 663 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:20,200 do. 664 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,160 I understand what needs you need to get met. 665 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,240 So here's ways I can help you. 666 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,040 That's where the adult comes in with the resources. 667 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:30,800 That's where you come in and you talk to us and we're working with you to make it so, you 668 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:31,800 know, we're a team. 669 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:34,800 We're helping you behind, like we have office hours. 670 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,140 We have the Facebook groups. 671 00:27:36,140 --> 00:27:40,520 We have the accountability group where you're asking us questions to help. 672 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,680 We'll help guide you with specific things. 673 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:43,680 We have one-on-one coaching. 674 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:44,680 And we do one-on-one. 675 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:48,520 That's where most people get like the most value because it's just time for you. 676 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:49,520 Exactly. 677 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:51,880 It's catering to your specific situation. 678 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:59,240 So once I've set the expectation, I've helped my child, then you just kind of see what happens. 679 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:05,400 And then you notice, hey, did that aunt or uncle or grandma or anyone have any sort of 680 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:10,600 judgment that hit a wound that actually made you feel and have an emotional reaction? 681 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:13,080 Because then that is going to be your reconnect. 682 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:16,440 That's where you go, hey, I have a new layer. 683 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:20,920 And this is where you kind of, it's kind of fun if you look at it that way, go, where 684 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,800 do I get to now go deeper and learn more about myself? 685 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:24,800 Totally. 686 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,320 And that's always going to get you so much information. 687 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:31,560 It gets you so much further along in your journey as a human. 688 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:35,440 And I also wanted to mention for other people, what are some other ideas we can have for 689 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,320 kids who have different kinds of challenges? 690 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:41,320 So we have, for example, the vestibular, the movement seekers, like you said. 691 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:46,000 I think also for more of the social anxiety kiddos, I can think of my brother when he 692 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:50,560 was little getting into a group of kids would be like, oh my goodness, I can't even think 693 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:51,560 of doing that. 694 00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,240 And that's a little bit of, we know a lot of kids like that. 695 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:58,080 Getting them maybe have a book that they're going to come and share with all their cousins, 696 00:28:58,080 --> 00:28:59,080 right? 697 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,120 Or something, an activity that they've already planned, a board game that they love that 698 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,560 they want to come share with their friends or with their cousins or whatever. 699 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:10,240 Have specific questions they want to ask everybody and kind of help them understand, this is your 700 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:15,280 family, they want to hang out with you and help them kind of ease that initial tension 701 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:17,000 maybe by you coming up with them. 702 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:21,200 And if it's a kiddo that needs kind of to feel a little bit of that mom, the mother's 703 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:25,160 protection and it's okay, like hang out with them and see that it's okay, it's safe. 704 00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,200 And then they can keep doing on their own, right? 705 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:31,000 And I want to think of like a couple of more ideas because of the kids who are going to 706 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:35,800 maybe get to the, because I can think of the typical, maybe a little bit older kid who's 707 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:42,160 going to go into the living room of the Thanksgiving or Christmas, whatever and be exactly. 708 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:45,080 So yeah, that is- 709 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:46,280 Are you okay with that? 710 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:47,280 Right. 711 00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:54,040 This is where again, you talk about it ahead of time, set that intention of what you intend 712 00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,640 for them to partake in. 713 00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:01,680 And really quick too talking, we're going to talk more about profiles and family members 714 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:08,600 and all that in the next episode, but for kids and to be an advocate for kids, if adult 715 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:14,480 demands a hug or a kiss or whatever it is, you be the advocate and goes, and you can 716 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,800 help them by saying, do you want to give them a high five or knuckles? 717 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:19,000 A fist bump, yeah. 718 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,200 Or whatever you're comfortable with. 719 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:26,360 And sometimes the adults will get kind of upset and be like, why don't you want to hug 720 00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:27,360 me? 721 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:28,360 And then it hits their own wound, right? 722 00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:29,360 I like what's wrong with me. 723 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:30,360 I like what's wrong with me. 724 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:31,360 And then they're- 725 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,560 You're like, it's a child, right? 726 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:36,960 Their inner child is going back to the playground when Billy didn't want to play with them, 727 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:37,960 of course. 728 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,640 But the idea here is this, we're teaching children the autonomy of their bodies. 729 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:41,640 Absolutely. 730 00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:43,400 And I have the ultimate choice of what's happening to me. 731 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:44,400 That's such a big one. 732 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:49,480 And also coming from my background in Mexico, that's the number one thing. 733 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:50,960 Dale un beso a tu tia. 734 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,000 Orale, vamos, dale un abrazo. 735 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:57,520 And all these kids, you were always forced to hug every single person in a room of 60 736 00:30:57,520 --> 00:30:58,520 people. 737 00:30:58,520 --> 00:30:59,520 You're like, I don't want to do this. 738 00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:02,520 I don't know half of these people. 739 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:03,520 Right, right. 740 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:04,520 I remember that in Ecuador. 741 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:05,520 You would have to give a kiss on the cheek to everybody. 742 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:06,520 It's a Mexican thing. 743 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,840 I never knew when the boundary was like, when do you stop? 744 00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:10,840 When's the line of stopping? 745 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:15,920 And then, yeah, and you're like giving a kiss and you're like, this seems like kind of insane. 746 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:17,600 I love that part of the culture. 747 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,240 But then also when it's people you don't know, you're like, this feels weird. 748 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:21,240 Especially when you're a kid. 749 00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:22,240 Oh, gosh. 750 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,840 Like as an adult, you decide who you kiss on the cheek and who you don't. 751 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:28,360 But as a little six-year-old, why would you have to go kiss every single person in the 752 00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:29,360 room? 753 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:30,360 Exactly. 754 00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:32,880 But see, these are things that I'm learning as an adult because I wasn't given those options 755 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:34,880 as a kid and I was super shy. 756 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:35,880 Right. 757 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:36,880 Exactly. 758 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:40,280 I was the one hiding behind mom like, no, don't make me do it. 759 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:47,320 And I'll never forget my grandma would give the wettest kisses and the sensory on it was 760 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:51,680 just like, oh, mom, don't make me do it. 761 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:56,640 But then they're like, if you don't show respect to grandma, then she's going to think I'm 762 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,320 a bad parent and blah, blah, blah. 763 00:31:58,320 --> 00:31:59,320 And so this is where we're like- 764 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:00,320 But then there are kids who don't care. 765 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:01,680 There are kids who are like, come on, I love it. 766 00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:03,200 Come on, grandma, give me more kisses. 767 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,200 Great. 768 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:05,440 If that's your kid, let him do it. 769 00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,880 So then you have to be able to know every child has different needs. 770 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:09,880 Absolutely. 771 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,560 And you can just blanket it that every kid has to do these things. 772 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:13,560 100%. 773 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:14,560 That's a huge, huge, huge, huge role point. 774 00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:15,560 That's a really big one for me. 775 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,240 But going back to the, let's talk about teens. 776 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:19,240 Yeah. 777 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,560 Let's talk about the adolescence and the teens because I literally witnessed this on 778 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:23,560 Thanksgiving. 779 00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:25,440 And again, it's talking about what you're comfortable with. 780 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:28,680 I am not comfortable with teenagers being on phones all the time. 781 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:31,080 It is disturbing to me. 782 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:32,080 Like it is- 783 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:35,640 And we know what the screens are doing to their brain and it's like you're in a social, 784 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:36,640 yeah. 785 00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:37,640 Yeah. 786 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:43,000 I'm actually also, I'm not a fan of having screens at the table at all for anybody. 787 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,520 I don't love when my dad likes to watch TV while we're eating because he loves the white 788 00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:48,520 noise. 789 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:52,640 We'll talk about that profile a little bit because that's a really big one that comes 790 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:54,480 up with our members all the time. 791 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:57,520 But for me, it's like, hey, here's what we're going to intend to do. 792 00:32:57,520 --> 00:32:58,560 We're going to connect. 793 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:02,440 And then you help your teen decide what they're comfortable with. 794 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:03,440 What job do you want to do? 795 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,200 Do you want to get everyone's drinks for them? 796 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:06,720 Do you want to set the table? 797 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,400 Do you want to help with dishes? 798 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:14,120 Enroll them in the process because I know for me, I grew up clearing the table. 799 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:19,280 I grew up helping with the dishes because my mom worked in the kitchen all day and cooking 800 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:20,960 is so hard now that I do it. 801 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:22,760 I know, it sounds like that. 802 00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:23,760 Yeah. 803 00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:24,760 And I'm like, wow, you're on your feet. 804 00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:25,760 It's exhausting. 805 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:27,440 They shouldn't also have to do the dishes. 806 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:28,440 It's a collaboration. 807 00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:29,440 It's a collaboration. 808 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:33,440 And I think also in that same breath, not villainizing the phone. 809 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:34,440 No. 810 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:35,440 So not being like, don't you do it on your- 811 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:36,440 No. 812 00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:37,440 Don't talk about it. 813 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:38,800 Let's say, I understand you want to be on your phone. 814 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:39,800 You're a human. 815 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:40,800 You're a teenager. 816 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:41,800 Let's find a balance. 817 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:42,800 Yes. 818 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:46,240 Come to the table, have a conversation, clean up. 819 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,600 After you do that, then you can be on your phone. 820 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,800 Or let's do, we're going to do the gifts and we're going to do this and then you can be 821 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:52,800 on your phone. 822 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:53,800 Whatever it is for you, right? 823 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:56,240 Set, also set like a time amount. 824 00:33:56,240 --> 00:34:00,960 Don't go over 45 minutes on the phone, 30 minutes, 15, whatever it is, whatever you're 825 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:02,480 comfortable again, once again, right? 826 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:03,480 And you know the teen. 827 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:08,240 This is a teen who's on their phone like 10 hours out of the day and now you're like, 828 00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:09,240 you're only going to have 15 minutes. 829 00:34:09,240 --> 00:34:10,240 That's not okay. 830 00:34:10,240 --> 00:34:11,240 That's like withdrawal. 831 00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:12,240 Exactly. 832 00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:13,240 They're going to go into withdrawal. 833 00:34:13,240 --> 00:34:14,240 It is an addiction. 834 00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:15,240 Literally. 835 00:34:15,240 --> 00:34:16,240 So find what works. 836 00:34:16,240 --> 00:34:22,400 And the approach to it because teenagers, depending on if we're talking female or male, 837 00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:23,400 hormonal, whatever. 838 00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:25,720 Hormonal they all are. 839 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:30,320 But even more so females going into certain times and dealing with the hormones because 840 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,840 even we deal with the hormones and it's a lot. 841 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:37,280 But talking about it in a certain way, so treating them with the respect. 842 00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:38,960 And this is so important. 843 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:43,120 And this is something that I'm on my fiance all the time because he's a very direct to 844 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:44,120 the point person. 845 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:45,120 Right, he is. 846 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:46,560 Most men tend to be direct to the point, right? 847 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:50,560 Without having that fluff and that softness to like approach it from a loving and like 848 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:55,280 even though he's coming from a good space, it is triggering that survival brain with 849 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:56,280 get off your phone. 850 00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:57,280 Right. 851 00:34:57,280 --> 00:34:58,280 Whoa bro. 852 00:34:58,280 --> 00:34:59,280 Excuse me. 853 00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:00,280 How about we talk about this, right? 854 00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,400 So let's talk to our children with that respect. 855 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:03,720 Hey, you know what? 856 00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:05,920 I get you want to be on your phone. 857 00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:06,920 I know that's a lot of fun. 858 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:08,120 I know it's your world. 859 00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:10,160 I know you're connected to all your friends. 860 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:13,360 I don't know what that was like growing up because I didn't have that option. 861 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:15,880 But I do understand what connection feels like. 862 00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:18,080 So what do you think is reasonable? 863 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,560 And then you can kind of open it up and they're like all day. 864 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:24,040 Okay, let's bring it down. 865 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,760 Let's say, hey, how about we work on this? 866 00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:27,360 And so you have a conversation. 867 00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:31,240 You teach them how do we both get our need met. 868 00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:32,920 Because that's life. 869 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:33,920 You have needs. 870 00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:34,920 I've got needs. 871 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,800 We work together and collaborate every day. 872 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:37,800 Absolutely. 873 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:39,040 And we're constantly working through that. 874 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:40,440 That's what relationships are. 875 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:41,440 Right? 876 00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:42,440 Exactly. 877 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:47,400 And it's also how do we help them interact in a way that they're not just sitting there 878 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:51,880 stuck talking to the cousin, whatever about whatever he's into. 879 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,000 Yeah, boring adults are so boring. 880 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:55,240 Bring a game that you really like. 881 00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:56,240 Bring an activity. 882 00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:57,240 Bring a book. 883 00:35:57,240 --> 00:36:01,200 If you really want to be on your own, if you're really in that loner stage that many 884 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:05,440 teenagers go through and that's totally fine. 885 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:07,280 Once again, decide the level of participation. 886 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:09,920 If that's the kid who wants to be reading a book, that's fine. 887 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:11,840 At least they're not on their phone. 888 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:12,840 Right? 889 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:16,280 Or if you are going to do that, go into the different rooms so you're not next to everybody 890 00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:17,960 talking and you're like this on your phone. 891 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:18,960 Right? 892 00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:23,040 So I think it's important to have them also understand this is why we're asking it from 893 00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:24,040 you. 894 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:25,600 Because this is a moment that we're all together. 895 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:27,760 We're seeing people you don't see all the time. 896 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,520 And they want to get to know you better every time they see you too because they've seen 897 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:31,520 you grown up. 898 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:33,480 Or these are your cousins. 899 00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:35,480 These are people that, you know, they're part of your family. 900 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:36,600 It's important to get to know them. 901 00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:39,080 So this is why I'm asking it of you. 902 00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:42,560 It's not because I want to control you or whatever teenagers think. 903 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:43,560 Right? 904 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:44,560 It's for your own good. 905 00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:46,040 You want to know your family better because they're your family. 906 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:47,040 They're your people. 907 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,040 Totally. 908 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:49,040 100%. 909 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:50,040 Yeah. 910 00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:51,040 And I can think back to my teenage years. 911 00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:52,040 Yeah. 912 00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:53,040 I can think back to my teenage years. 913 00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:54,040 I always do that. 914 00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:55,040 I said that. 915 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:56,040 Yeah. 916 00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:57,040 Now that I have two stepdaughters, I'm always like, okay, when I was 15, when I was 17. 917 00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:58,040 Oh yeah. 918 00:36:58,040 --> 00:36:59,040 My parents knew nothing. 919 00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:00,040 Yeah. 920 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:01,520 They did not understand. 921 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:02,520 And so yeah. 922 00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:06,720 And I even have these conversations with my mom now because I'm like, hey, I'm so sorry. 923 00:37:06,720 --> 00:37:07,720 Right? 924 00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:11,560 This is what human, like this is just what we do as humans. 925 00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:13,320 You don't know what you don't know. 926 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:17,000 And I tell this to them all the time is like, I promise in 10 years, you're going to be 927 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:18,000 like, whoa. 928 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:19,000 Yes. 929 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:20,000 I understand now. 930 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,000 Right? 931 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,000 But when people told us at their age, we were like, no, I won't. 932 00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:24,880 It's going to be different for me. 933 00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:28,360 You'll never know what this love for my boyfriend feels like because you've never been in love 934 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:29,360 before. 935 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:30,360 Yeah, I never have. 936 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:31,360 Thank you. 937 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:32,360 Yeah. 938 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:36,360 So it's like, it's so teenagers are hard. 939 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:37,360 Yes. 940 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:41,880 And it's a time and this is something we wanted to do a whole podcast on about the teenage 941 00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:42,880 brain. 942 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:43,880 We need to do that. 943 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:44,880 Yeah. 944 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:45,880 Because it's so much. 945 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:46,880 And it's wild. 946 00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:53,080 So that compassion of like treating your teenager with respect and the law of physics comes 947 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:54,080 in. 948 00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:56,000 The harder you push, the harder they push back. 949 00:37:56,000 --> 00:38:00,920 So you have to take that moment where you feel the emotions, you feel the betrayal, 950 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,520 you feel like I've done everything for you. 951 00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:05,480 Why do you fight everything I do? 952 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,160 Like I understand when you're four, seven, but you're 15. 953 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:09,160 Yeah. 954 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:10,160 You're 17. 955 00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:11,160 Yeah. 956 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:12,160 Come on. 957 00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:13,160 Like something's got to give that. 958 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:14,960 I understand 100%. 959 00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:20,080 And that's where you have to like just take that moment, eat your ego and say, okay, wait, 960 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:25,760 I'm allowed to have human emotion, but I also need to go work on that and deal with it on 961 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:28,800 my own and then come to my teen clean slate. 962 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:30,440 Hey, I'm here for you. 963 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:31,440 I'm here for you. 964 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:32,440 Like you're going to mess up. 965 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:36,480 You're going to have lots of mess ups in your life and I want to be on your team. 966 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:41,320 Even when you're messed up, even when you're crying, but I do also need to hold a boundary. 967 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:42,320 Exactly. 968 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:46,400 And that's once again what they want to know and make them feel empowered. 969 00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,160 It's the same with the younger kids. 970 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:50,760 You really want them to feel like they're making all the decisions. 971 00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:51,760 Same thing with your teenager. 972 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:52,760 100%. 973 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:57,480 If you want to get it harder, you might have to be a better actor, but you really do make 974 00:38:57,480 --> 00:38:59,680 them think it's their idea. 975 00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:03,160 I don't even feel like I have to act when I actually have gone and done the work on me. 976 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:04,160 Right, that's true. 977 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:10,240 Okay, you just did this and I've made me feel like you're not expressing gratitude for me. 978 00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:12,720 You have no appreciation for everything I've done. 979 00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:14,240 And they're like, no, but I am. 980 00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:16,920 I really do appreciate it and I am grateful for everything you've done. 981 00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:19,480 And you're like, but you're not showing it. 982 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:22,480 And then you're like, wait, okay, maybe they don't have the tools yet. 983 00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:23,480 Exactly. 984 00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:27,200 And again, think to yourself at that age, you weren't showing them anything but like, 985 00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:28,200 ew. 986 00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:29,200 Yeah. 987 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:33,080 Honestly, you really didn't even think of your parents as having emotions. 988 00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:36,080 All you think about is yourself and your friends and your boyfriend. 989 00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:37,080 Like that's it. 990 00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:40,400 Honestly, it couldn't be further from the truth. 991 00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:42,560 Good Charlotte, we're listening to you at Lincoln Park. 992 00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:43,880 That's all you care about. 993 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,800 Yeah, the band posters on the wall. 994 00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:48,200 You're obsessed. 995 00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:54,720 So yeah, it's really hard time for the holidays, especially if you have, so maybe if you've 996 00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:58,240 got trauma going on, maybe you have divorce, maybe you've got all these things happening 997 00:39:58,240 --> 00:39:59,960 during this time of the year. 998 00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:03,640 But our advice is you can creep and crawl your way through it to make it easier. 999 00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:04,640 And then setting that intention. 1000 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:09,440 Get that RAS system looking for how you want it to go. 1001 00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:10,600 And we're here to support. 1002 00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:14,180 So if you've got questions, if you want to ask us, hey, this is what's going on. 1003 00:40:14,180 --> 00:40:15,720 Is this a brain related behavior? 1004 00:40:15,720 --> 00:40:17,460 Is this a learned behavior? 1005 00:40:17,460 --> 00:40:18,460 How do I handle this? 1006 00:40:18,460 --> 00:40:19,460 Never ever. 1007 00:40:19,460 --> 00:40:24,520 We've got tips, brain based tips that will help you navigate these times. 1008 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:25,520 And we're in it. 1009 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:29,760 Like Paloma, I feel like you're in it with me because we work together so closely and 1010 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,640 you see my kids, their behavior and all the things happening. 1011 00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:35,120 And I'm always like, this is so hard. 1012 00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:37,320 And so we're here to support because we get it. 1013 00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:38,320 It's human. 1014 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,520 And the number one thing is, is you're not going to get it perfect and right every single 1015 00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:42,520 time. 1016 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:43,520 Yes. 1017 00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:44,520 And be okay with that. 1018 00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:45,520 Be okay with it. 1019 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:49,160 And you know, society's expectations are what you make of them. 1020 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:52,000 Oh, I make jokes. 1021 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,160 Yeah, that was good. 1022 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:58,400 We should do a whole episode about society's expectations. 1023 00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:00,560 Okay. 1024 00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,200 So please follow us on social media. 1025 00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:08,380 Please subscribe, like this episode, rate us on the whatever platform you're listening 1026 00:41:08,380 --> 00:41:11,700 on because that really helps us get like recommended to other people. 1027 00:41:11,700 --> 00:41:18,360 And social media, Instagram, underscore, Instagram is inthecortex, underscore US. 1028 00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,800 We also have a Spanish now inthecortex, underscore ESP. 1029 00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:24,080 Facebook is inthecortex US. 1030 00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:27,040 TikTok is in underscore the underscore cortex. 1031 00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:29,080 Our website inthecortex.com. 1032 00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:31,700 Email hello at inthecortex.com. 1033 00:41:31,700 --> 00:41:37,200 And remember, if you use promo code brainiac, you will get 10 bucks off your first payment 1034 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:38,200 of our program. 1035 00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:40,840 And remember the prices are going up next year. 1036 00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,760 So might want to jump on right now. 1037 00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:44,760 Thank you. 1038 00:41:44,760 --> 00:42:11,760 Happy holidays.