Hi, and welcome to the In the Cortex podcast.
We are your hosts.
I'm Paloma Garcia.
And I am Dani Perrecone.
And we're the founders of In the Cortex, an online community with programs that show people
the tools that they need to change their lives through brain reorganization.
No medication, just movement.
When you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate your nervous system, you start
to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the cortex.
Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the cortex life.
And now, on to today's episode.
Hi, welcome to part two of our holiday series.
Today we're going to talk about, what are we going to talk about, Dani?
Tell us.
Setting our intention.
We're going to go further on that one and with kids.
With kids.
We're going to be very parent focused and about, well, let's just get into it.
I think it's important to mention that we are going to be talking about the holiday,
specifically Christmas, because that's what the two of us celebrate.
But this is something that applies, I think, for many different family situations, family,
you know, parties, engagements, anything, you know, whatever you have.
Friends, anytime.
Even friends, right?
It doesn't have to be just family.
Just a moment when you as a family, you with your immediate family, are going into a group,
a bigger group of people who you don't always know everything about them necessarily and
you don't know what the expectations are always going to be.
Again, society's expectations.
I will say it once and again.
Too high.
Anyway, go.
Right.
And this one is near and dear to my heart because I feel like I, I mean, obviously I'm on this
journey because I'm a parent.
And when you become a parent, you realize how hard it is.
And everything that you read in books and see on social media, you're like, yes, that's
great.
I'm going to do that.
And then the minute your child hits that button, you're just like, I can't hold it together
anymore.
You know, you like fall apart.
And that is what I think all parents and then we all go to bed lying in bed going, I wish
I did that different.
And then you find yourself just like wanting to apologize.
And then you're just like, I don't want to be that parent.
I don't know how to change it.
And it's funny because we've been doing this for so long.
I'd say, what is it, like four months ago, we decided to go through our own program because
we're like, that just makes sense.
And we actually committed to doing it every single day, 20 minutes a day of doing our
brain work.
I did it with my kids.
And funny enough, everything changed.
Right.
I went from and you were even here in July and I remember having a breakdown.
I had a massive, I can remember the one when I was in the bathroom.
I just had this, there was a couple of things happening.
My brain was overstimulated.
I was overwhelmed.
And then I had this subconscious of I'm a single parent doing this on my own.
And I feel like there's eyes on me, like, what are you going to do?
And I'm just like, but I'm alone and I just want support.
And I had that feeling of just being overwhelmed.
And I did not handle my four year old daughters upset very well.
And I felt the frustration.
And then our regulation was complete dysregulation.
And it was just like, wait a minute, this is not working.
So since that July until today, now she gets upset and I'm like, you're four.
You're supposed to get upset because it's hard to figure this world out.
I'm still figuring it out.
And I feel like now I've just removed this expectation.
And that's what's really huge is now that I just said that out loud, my interpretation
of expectation comes from the perception that society has expectations.
But honestly, I was creating them.
Right, exactly.
I mean, they're coming from society.
They are coming.
But it's you that decides.
You're deciding which ones you attach to and which ones you don't.
100%.
And they always change too.
I think they change your expectations for your kids in your home are going to be different
from in the car, from at Target, from at school or in the pod, from at your friend's house,
from at a distant relative's house.
Time of day, have they eaten?
And we don't always have that leeway for ourselves, by the way.
That important parenthesis right there.
But I think it's also coming into the holidays and all that stuff, it's like, what are my
intentions and what are my expectations for myself and for my kids going into this new
situation?
Right?
Because that's going to align with what your intention is.
You know what I mean?
And I had expectations and intentions to do great.
And like I said, I would go to the social media posts like, yes, I want to be that parent.
Yeah, I can do that.
And then once that trigger hit, I couldn't be that parent because I was dysregulated.
So then after doing the brain work 20 minutes a day for three months now, I'm like, I'm
that parent.
And I didn't have to effort my way through.
It just happened.
I all of a sudden grew my bandwidth.
And this is obviously a giant plug for our own program because we believe in it.
And we've been doing it for so long.
And we see the effects of what happens when you regulate your nervous system on a daily
basis because there's so many stressors hitting us constantly.
We had that talk today.
Oh, that's a big one.
Really quick side note.
500 years ago, right?
Like Machiavelli.
How do you say his name?
Like type of like Aristotle and like all of those philosophers.
They would process in one entire lifetime the amount of information that we process
now in one day.
That is like, and what's crazy is humanity has not moved forward really that much.
Which is also sad.
But then what are we?
We're stressed out of our minds.
There's too much going on.
There's too much.
And we just posted it.
We made a social media post about that today is we used to believe or we used to when we
were first trained that you could only you had to clock a certain amount of hours of
brain work and brain movements and all that stuff.
And then you were done.
And we were like, that's not doesn't make sense anymore.
It's not the truth anymore.
I think maybe even when they did study this stuff in the 50s, that was true.
For sure.
But it wasn't social media.
Exactly.
All this stuff that's going on.
It really is creating this world where we're overstimulated all the time.
So you are actually going to have to go back into that regulation space.
But let's bring this back to the holidays.
So what's your take on that?
And honestly, the holidays is a very stimulating time.
It's like now all we have to do is everything like buy, buy, buy.
Like when everyone's right.
So for me, it's like here are the toys I would buy for my kids.
And then you have the pressure of I've got to buy my kids toys.
And I'm actually in this space where I've been telling my kids.
I was like, you know what?
I've had a chat with the big guy, Santa.
And we've agreed that we don't need any more toys because it sounds insane to have to get
more toys for me to constantly remind you to keep cleaning them up.
Do you see that insanity cycle we're on?
So you know what?
I think experience is the way to go.
So we're talking passes, like season passes.
And we'll still do fun things to open presents because being a kid in childhood, you can't
ever replace that time.
And we all remember the magic of Christmas.
And then we all remember the moment where it just like fizzled out.
And you're like, I want to go back to being a kid.
But during the holidays is the time where it feels like your family's under a microscope.
Right.
And it's where you're coming in.
You're now seeing aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, if that's your case, that you
haven't seen for a while.
And then they see your child.
They're like, what's going on?
And then I get a lot of comments about how skinny my children are.
Oh my gosh.
And I will tell you, and they are thin, but they also move so much.
I was going to say they are always jumping around, running around.
I mean, they are in a healthy way.
It doesn't mean that they're like, you know, they know, like outside, they're always running.
Yeah.
I mean, Axel does.
My son is primed to move like that.
He just needs movement.
And that's why we found this option of schooling for him because that's what fits his brain
profile.
Yeah.
But yeah, so I think I get a lot of comments of like, oh, how old is your son?
He's so skinny.
And I'm like, and I go in my own internal system, because I grew up being the chubbier
girl and my brother being really skinny.
So it does hit that core wound from back in the day.
Right.
But also the point of it is like, how is that common intended?
Yes.
Like, is that intended to help me?
Exactly.
And how do you set your intention because you know which family members are going to
comment on your kid's weight.
And you know who it is?
It's always the ones that are hurting.
Of course.
Hurt people hurt people.
Again, we always go back to the same thing, but it's the truth.
Like, we're all coming from that stuff.
And this expectation that everybody's bodies should be a certain way makes no sense.
Oh, no.
Because it's, I mean, that'll be a whole other podcast.
But yeah, I think that that's the biggest thing is it's coming from their own perception
of life.
Right.
And we're going to talk about that in the next episode.
But it's about understanding where people's comments are coming from in that situation.
And kind of learning that your family isn't always going to fit into what everybody thinks
it will be, if that makes sense.
Right?
Like the perfect family, the kids that listen and obey.
All the cousins getting along perfectly and being best friends and whatever.
It's just not going to happen.
And we don't come from that because now we're a super blended family.
Exactly.
We're not from, you know, now we're divorced and trying to balance when do I even have
my kids on holidays.
And so there's that element too.
But I will say I used to care a lot about that.
I used to hang on to the comments.
I used to actually have a physiological reaction if someone called my children skinny because
it went back to when my son had a hard time breastfeeding.
Right?
So there was a root to it being like, oh, you're not able to provide and you're not
a good enough mom to feed your child.
Right.
So for me, it used to hit a core wound.
But since we've done the program and since I have committed to regulating my system daily,
I now can just like skirt through life differently.
It's just more of like I'm just cruising and I'm like, cool, cool.
Thanks for your comment.
Thanks for your feedback.
Not for me.
I'm going to ditch it.
It's like in one area out the other.
And it doesn't have the same impact on me.
Well, you're also prepping yourself and prepping your kids for all these situations.
But I will tell you, I did not set my intention for Thanksgiving.
And there were a lot of things that fell through the cracks because there's a lot of drama
that happened over Thanksgiving this year.
I'm not going to get into it.
But a lot of kids that...
I want to hear about it later.
There are a lot of kids that maybe weren't in their cortex.
But that's the other part too is we should and I've seen this on social media.
This is the beautiful part about social media is the good reminders is that our kids are
allowed to have bad days just as much as we are.
Right?
Yeah.
How many times you're like, I'm just having a day.
Right.
And my four year old is not allowed to.
Right.
Because of the incidents.
Why not?
Right?
So here's where we say, it's okay if you have an off day, but what's the repair?
Absolutely.
How do we grow from it?
How do we learn?
What's the lesson?
And so that's what we're big about here is let's reflect and go deeper.
But back to the whole setting the intentions.
For my kids, we're talking about Christmas, what's to expect, how are things going to
go?
And you're walking them through every piece of it.
I think that's a big part of it.
I mean, depending on the age that people have of people's kids, but maybe go through a few
tips of like, how do I set my kid up for my two year old, my five to seven year old, my
10 year old for how they're going to handle the holidays.
Teenagers, it's a little bit trickier, but you actually have a lot of experience with
that too now.
So like, how do you set those expectations?
Like, what are you going to walk them through?
Because you're going to talk about the different cousins or kids that are their age, right?
That are there.
You're going to talk about the different other relatives.
Food.
Like, what if you have a picky eater?
How are you going to handle that?
Right?
How are we going to handle if there's something you didn't expect for dinner?
Right?
How are we going to handle the whole gift situation?
Like, if somebody gets a gift and you don't, what's going to happen?
Right?
And so kind of walk me through a little bit of like different strategies.
Well, you already know the first thing I'm going to say.
It's always going to be, and this is so huge because I wasn't doing the brain work with
my kids regularly.
And then we were just hitting a lot more conflict and we're having a lot more moments of dealing
with all those issues you just mentioned and then being big explosive moments.
And now I still set my kids up.
We have our intentions set, but we have the brain work that supports them being able to
roll with because I can't predict everything.
So on Thanksgiving, for example, I didn't know if there were going to be more kids showing
up or not because people were kind of wishy washy if they were coming.
And then I kind of told my kids, I was like, I don't know if there's going to be other
kids there.
And they were able to handle it.
In the past, they were like, I don't want to go.
I don't want to do it.
It sounds so stupid, right?
Like, I just want to go and be with my dad now.
Right.
And so since we've been doing the brain work and they can now just roll with the situation,
kids showed up.
And that was the cool part too, was that they were already in their cortex.
So then it allowed for more cool stuff to start happening.
And that was...
Exactly.
And you're also seeing a moment of, at least for Axel probably, where he's able to just
go with the flow and hang out with everybody.
He really is.
He's...
He has grown so much.
Both of them, honestly, I'm so impressed with both of them this time.
Yeah.
I mean, Siggy is...
Totally different people.
Like, who are they?
I mean, it's amazing.
It's so expressive.
They're so themselves.
It's adorable.
I love it.
And I love that you see that and get that because sometimes you can be in your vacuum
and not really get that perspective.
But then I can remember back when you were here in July and how much harder it was.
Like sitting down and working for us.
This would have never been able to happen.
It's a totally different playing field.
So do the program, number one, because you're going to put in the effort and it's going
to be harder in the beginning because you have to get them to do the brain work.
But you, the parent, having the demeanor and adopting the demeanor that this is what I
need to do to help me be a better parent, your kids will jump on board.
Absolutely.
And if you keep them motivated with what's in it for them, basically what's in terms
of their brain, that's all that they need to hear.
We saw that today at the school.
We interviewed a bunch of kids.
Like, why are you doing this?
Because it makes my brain more connected.
How do you feel after you do this?
I feel more calm.
I feel more energized.
It's easier for me to be with my friends.
That's all you want to hear from a child who, especially a child who's having challenges,
but even kids who aren't.
You just want them to be happy and be connected.
And so that's ultimately it is if you do talk to your kids about this stuff, they're going
to be more prepared.
And so I think also another thing you do a lot is talk to them about it very openly.
This is what's going on.
Let's be truthful here, right?
Let's work out the situation together.
100%.
We talk about it all the time.
We talk about it from our personal level.
We talk about it from what we see in our surroundings.
Like, if Axel's having a challenging time with a teammate or a student, a fellow classmate,
and we just explain what's going on, he's like, they just need brain work.
He explained it to me yesterday.
It was so cute.
I was like, so what's going on?
He was talking about some kiddo that's having a hard time in school.
And I think he was being aggressive with Axel.
And I said, well, I meant to ask him, what did he do to you?
But I said, what's going on with him?
And Axel goes, he doesn't do brain work.
And I was like, oh, OK.
In a nutshell.
I was like, OK, I got it.
And it's cool for that.
That's amazing.
Yeah, because he knows he doesn't want to be that way.
His brain just doesn't have the connections to help him be something else.
And in comparison with Axel, who has all those connections, he's like, this happened.
He hit me.
He did this.
He did that.
And this is how I've been handling it.
And I know, mom, if it happens again, I'm going to be really, really mad.
And I'm going to want to retaliate.
He literally used the word retaliate.
I was like, just vocabulary.
I was just so impressed with him yesterday.
And he's like, I'm going to want to retaliate.
And Danny, you're like, OK, but what are you going to do?
Well, I think I can probably go get my teacher.
He was kind of fighting that urge.
Like, I really want to.
But then he was like, yeah, I'm going to go get the teacher, get some help.
And it was so awesome to see him working this out.
I mean, he's seven years old.
What?
What seven-year-old does this?
And the beautiful part is maybe not so beautiful, but the rest of your life, you're going to
be around people who aren't in their cortex.
Because not everyone is.
It is beautiful.
Because if not, it is beautiful.
Because if you're in your survival brain, too, then you're just going to be putting
the ends with everybody all the time.
And your life is also going to be hard.
Exactly.
So right now, of course, it's hard to have somebody being aggressive with you or whatever
it is in school.
But it's way harder if you're engaging with it as well.
And that's at all ages.
100%.
So we talked about options.
What are your options?
So you're noticing, here's my challenge.
What are your options?
So when you're in your cortex, you have options.
When you're able to see things from different angles and go, OK, how can I handle this?
And your brain is able just to have that flexibility, like we talked about in the last episode.
So setting the intention is so much easier when you're working with someone who has a
brain that is in the cortex.
That's just going to be the obvious first step.
And I can tell you, my life is so much easier when I put those 20 minutes in a day.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Prime ourselves.
And now let's talk about how this is going to go.
And you're going to be able to handle the nose and, hey, you just got to roll with it.
And sometimes because I said so.
And I mean, we just went on a vacation just to the desert.
And I and Axel last year at the desert was overstimulated with the sounds of all the
motorbikes and all the things he was covering his ears.
He was just like, I don't like this.
This is all so new to me.
And he was having a hard time rolling that asking a ton.
He still asked a ton of questions.
But it like in a way of out of curiosity, not out of like sort of anxiety.
Yeah, exactly.
And so totally.
And he walked up to kids.
We just posted the video.
And I remember him being like, Mom, I want to go hang out.
I want to meet some kids.
I was like, cool.
And I was like, I'm going to video this.
I just want to watch the interaction of him go make some friends.
It was not planned.
And I just pulled out my camera.
I was like, he just walked right up and just like watching his body language.
It was like, hey, dude, what's up?
And I'm like, so many adults can't do that.
Exactly.
Like adults can't even walk and be like, hey, how's it going?
How are you?
Like, can I have a try?
It was just amazing.
So that's the first step.
So now setting the intention, you the adult have the resources to see what's coming, right?
If you have an organized brain.
Yes.
So there it goes again.
Do the program.
Well, yes, exactly.
That's always going to be a thing.
But at the same time, if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably figuring
out some ways to make your life easier, right?
Whether or not you've started the program.
Hint hint.
But I think that there's also a really important thing is to always do it when you are in your
cortex.
Don't try to set your intention when you're already like in that fight or flight survival
anxiety mode, because that's just going to make you feel so much worse.
And it's just going to kick you further into that survival mode because you're only adding
fuel to the fire, right?
When you're giving threats, and then you're like, wait, I'm threatening you with this
or this and they're extreme.
With even thinking about things.
Yeah.
So and my fiance, shout out to him because I always call him out on this, but he said
something and I said, you know, it's okay, because my mom gave me this tip just recently
and since my cortex is now online, I can hear feedback so different.
And my mom was like, you know, you can say to your kids, let me think of what I'm going
to do.
I don't know what to do right now in this moment, but let me think of an option that's
going to help teach you how to handle this in the future.
Excuse me.
And you don't have to have an immediate answer all the time because sometimes you don't know
as a parent.
Sometimes you need to go calm yourself down because you're triggered.
You're like, well, my kid just hit me with something.
Or I mean, obviously in that situation, you can probably come back with a very strong,
like when my daughter hit me with the Barbie, I did one or I said, if you hit me with the
Barbie, that's going in the trash.
And I actually had the boundaries to throw it in the trash.
You did?
This is how different my boundaries are.
Because she would have thrown it in the trash and I would have been like, that's $10.
Down the drain, those Barbies are expensive.
And I was like, no, she needs, I told you, because she wound up and I was like, if you
decide to hit me with that, it will be in the trash.
But it was a very calm response to her.
And she goes, let me test you.
And she swipes me kind of half, like didn't full on whack me with it, but gave me a swipe
because she was upset.
I'm not saying it's okay, but I said, okay, can I please have the Barbie?
And I took it and I walked out.
She kind of whimpered, not even a full blow meltdown.
Whoa.
Okay, mom means business.
And this is what you're going to see when you have that conviction in you as a parent
that I no longer, because that's where a lot of my parenting came from.
When I would set an intention or I would set the expectation and then I told them what
the natural consequence or the cause and effect was going to be if we didn't do X, Y, and
Z and we talked about it ahead of time, I then would be like, ooh, am I being too hard?
Right.
Ooh, is this, are they?
That's the mom guilt.
Then the guilt and then all that might kick in.
Am I traumatizing them?
Yeah.
Yeah, like how am I rupturing our relationship?
But then I came from a different place.
I was like, no, everyone needs boundaries.
Boundaries are healthy within reason, right?
So if you're going to hit me with something, then, ooh, it's not safe for you to have that.
I need to go throw it in the trash.
And it's like that.
It doesn't be, I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
Yeah, it doesn't have to be.
And then you're ripping out.
So this scene, right?
It's just, can I please have your Barbie?
Okay, it's going in the trash.
And I said, we talked about this.
I told you if you're going to hit me with it, it's going to be gone.
And she's like, oh, oh, shoot.
Okay.
I heard that.
So, and do you think she's going to hit me with a Barbie?
No.
She's like, that boundary is now clear.
Exactly.
And so this is where the intention matches the boundary.
And then you can have that consequence that helps our kids understand how the world works.
And also, yes, absolutely.
And understand how to navigate themselves at some point.
And like you and I said this, have said this before, a parent's job really is to be that
bubble of that boundary in those first years.
And the boundary might get a little bit wider and wider as they grow up.
And then eventually you can go like this and they understand where it is.
But if you never put it down, they never know where it is.
So they're going to be all the way over here trying to figure out where's the boundary?
Where's the boundary?
And we humans need to understand where it is.
It's just a natural part of who we are.
And so that's one of the coolest things is as parents learning what works for you as
well.
Because what works for you might not work for somebody who's watching this podcast.
So it's learning that works for your own family.
And also there's a TikTok trend going on right now about remember when you look at your parents,
like these like corny videos of like parents being adorable.
And it's like, remember, this is also your first, your parents first time living life.
Like they don't, you know, they might have more experience, but they haven't been in
this specific part of their life yet either.
Right.
Just like you haven't been in this specific part of yours.
100%.
So always about having that compassion for others.
And that's what our whole next episode is all about.
Yeah.
And okay, two things really quick.
So back to behavior, because you're going to be with family and they might be judging
your behavior and they might immediately think, oh, this is because of your parenting.
And it might be, you know, there could be some, there's always room for improvement.
But the other part too, as I always like to say, but okay, it's a lot parenting and it's
a lot brain.
Yes.
So there's the brain based behaviors, right?
Not being able to sit still, make eye contact, process information, filter out the unimportant
stuff, know how to keep my hands to myself because I'm always looking for where my body
is in space.
So there's a lot of brain based behaviors.
Then there's the behaviors that are learned and that is the parenting.
Exactly.
So those have to work together.
And then the parenting really has to come in when we have some never ever's like hitting,
spitting, kicking, anything that's obviously very dangerous.
That's not okay to ever do.
Like the Barbie hitting me with the Barbie.
That's never ever in your life going to serve you and help you be a better person to hit
someone with a Barbie.
Or with anything.
So that's where you have to look at all components of it.
And that's what our program helps you do is first regulate you, the parent, so you can
be rational.
And then you look at what does my child need, right?
And so when your family comes to you and gives you some sort of a judgment on, oh your child's
not sitting and eating.
You're like, oh well thank you for that feedback.
That's a good one.
I love that.
The thank you for the feedback leaves them with absolutely nothing.
Oh, okay.
Cute, they acknowledged me.
And now I feel like kind of a jerk because I just said something that wasn't needed.
Exactly.
And they said it thinking it'd help them feel better, but it actually doesn't.
And it's also a good way to mirror yourself, right?
Like when you look at somebody you're like feeling like you want to make that comment.
Why am I making that comment?
What is that going to give me?
Is it going to give me the satisfaction of feeling like I'm better than that person because
of blank, right?
Because my kid is strong and the other kid is skinny or whatever it might be, right?
I mean that's also where we as adults have to take that.
Especially when it has, when kids are involved.
Because especially in these young, young ages, zero to seven, that's when they're taking
in so many messages about themselves.
And so imagine if the kid overhears you talking about their body.
That's an internalized message right there about their body not being good enough, not
being valuable, not being worthy, whatever it might be.
So it's also so important because we do, even if we are dysregulated as adults, we always
have more tools in the kids.
Always.
That's for sure.
100%.
We have more experience.
So there's the thank you for the feedback line.
And then there's, I kind of forgot where else I was going with this.
But there's the need for how do I then help give that child their, getting that need met.
And so it's like maybe at the dinner table, and this is where you can now be the expert.
Because when you're the expert for your child and you're advocating for your child, then
people are kind of like, oh, okay, she's got it, right?
And you're educated, you know what kind of what's happening.
Like actually I've been learning about his vestibular system and it's really hard for
him to sit still.
So I am okay with him standing up at the table.
That's another one we wanted to touch on is what the other expectations are for your kids,
right?
So that somebody requiring that all the kids sit at the dinner table, if you know that
about your kid's brain, you need to speak up and be like, hey, actually I'm okay with
my kids standing at the dinner table.
Or maybe running around and then coming and having a bite.
Depending on what's okay with each person's family.
And you can build something in so you can make it sneaky.
So if you know this is something, be like, hey, Axel, can you go get some napkins?
So he's getting up.
Hey, Axel, can you go get me some water?
So you're building in breaks because you know his brain needs to get up and move.
And it doesn't look like it's disruptive, but you talk about it ahead of time.
See, I know sitting at the table is challenging for you, but I also know you need to eat to
help fuel your body, okay?
So let's talk about options.
How about you look at me and I'm going to tell you, you need to go do this, this, and
this.
And I notice that you do have to front load.
You do have to be prepared for what's to come.
But I'll tell you, I start to get a little bit more relaxed when my kids are living more
cortex.
Of course.
And then I don't have to worry about front loading nearly as much.
So you set the expectation with the children of, hey, this is what we need to be able to
do.
I understand what needs you need to get met.
So here's ways I can help you.
That's where the adult comes in with the resources.
That's where you come in and you talk to us and we're working with you to make it so, you
know, we're a team.
We're helping you behind, like we have office hours.
We have the Facebook groups.
We have the accountability group where you're asking us questions to help.
We'll help guide you with specific things.
We have one-on-one coaching.
And we do one-on-one.
That's where most people get like the most value because it's just time for you.
Exactly.
It's catering to your specific situation.
So once I've set the expectation, I've helped my child, then you just kind of see what happens.
And then you notice, hey, did that aunt or uncle or grandma or anyone have any sort of
judgment that hit a wound that actually made you feel and have an emotional reaction?
Because then that is going to be your reconnect.
That's where you go, hey, I have a new layer.
And this is where you kind of, it's kind of fun if you look at it that way, go, where
do I get to now go deeper and learn more about myself?
Totally.
And that's always going to get you so much information.
It gets you so much further along in your journey as a human.
And I also wanted to mention for other people, what are some other ideas we can have for
kids who have different kinds of challenges?
So we have, for example, the vestibular, the movement seekers, like you said.
I think also for more of the social anxiety kiddos, I can think of my brother when he
was little getting into a group of kids would be like, oh my goodness, I can't even think
of doing that.
And that's a little bit of, we know a lot of kids like that.
Getting them maybe have a book that they're going to come and share with all their cousins,
right?
Or something, an activity that they've already planned, a board game that they love that
they want to come share with their friends or with their cousins or whatever.
Have specific questions they want to ask everybody and kind of help them understand, this is your
family, they want to hang out with you and help them kind of ease that initial tension
maybe by you coming up with them.
And if it's a kiddo that needs kind of to feel a little bit of that mom, the mother's
protection and it's okay, like hang out with them and see that it's okay, it's safe.
And then they can keep doing on their own, right?
And I want to think of like a couple of more ideas because of the kids who are going to
maybe get to the, because I can think of the typical, maybe a little bit older kid who's
going to go into the living room of the Thanksgiving or Christmas, whatever and be exactly.
So yeah, that is-
Are you okay with that?
Right.
This is where again, you talk about it ahead of time, set that intention of what you intend
for them to partake in.
And really quick too talking, we're going to talk more about profiles and family members
and all that in the next episode, but for kids and to be an advocate for kids, if adult
demands a hug or a kiss or whatever it is, you be the advocate and goes, and you can
help them by saying, do you want to give them a high five or knuckles?
A fist bump, yeah.
Or whatever you're comfortable with.
And sometimes the adults will get kind of upset and be like, why don't you want to hug
me?
And then it hits their own wound, right?
I like what's wrong with me.
And then they're-
You're like, it's a child, right?
Their inner child is going back to the playground when Billy didn't want to play with them,
of course.
But the idea here is this, we're teaching children the autonomy of their bodies.
Absolutely.
And I have the ultimate choice of what's happening to me.
That's such a big one.
And also coming from my background in Mexico, that's the number one thing.
Dale un beso a tu tia.
Orale, vamos, dale un abrazo.
And all these kids, you were always forced to hug every single person in a room of 60
people.
You're like, I don't want to do this.
I don't know half of these people.
Right, right.
I remember that in Ecuador.
You would have to give a kiss on the cheek to everybody.
It's a Mexican thing.
I never knew when the boundary was like, when do you stop?
When's the line of stopping?
And then, yeah, and you're like giving a kiss and you're like, this seems like kind of insane.
I love that part of the culture.
But then also when it's people you don't know, you're like, this feels weird.
Especially when you're a kid.
Oh, gosh.
Like as an adult, you decide who you kiss on the cheek and who you don't.
But as a little six-year-old, why would you have to go kiss every single person in the
room?
Exactly.
But see, these are things that I'm learning as an adult because I wasn't given those options
as a kid and I was super shy.
Right.
Exactly.
I was the one hiding behind mom like, no, don't make me do it.
And I'll never forget my grandma would give the wettest kisses and the sensory on it was
just like, oh, mom, don't make me do it.
But then they're like, if you don't show respect to grandma, then she's going to think I'm
a bad parent and blah, blah, blah.
And so this is where we're like-
But then there are kids who don't care.
There are kids who are like, come on, I love it.
Come on, grandma, give me more kisses.
Great.
If that's your kid, let him do it.
So then you have to be able to know every child has different needs.
Absolutely.
And you can just blanket it that every kid has to do these things.
100%.
That's a huge, huge, huge, huge role point.
That's a really big one for me.
But going back to the, let's talk about teens.
Yeah.
Let's talk about the adolescence and the teens because I literally witnessed this on
Thanksgiving.
And again, it's talking about what you're comfortable with.
I am not comfortable with teenagers being on phones all the time.
It is disturbing to me.
Like it is-
And we know what the screens are doing to their brain and it's like you're in a social,
yeah.
Yeah.
I'm actually also, I'm not a fan of having screens at the table at all for anybody.
I don't love when my dad likes to watch TV while we're eating because he loves the white
noise.
We'll talk about that profile a little bit because that's a really big one that comes
up with our members all the time.
But for me, it's like, hey, here's what we're going to intend to do.
We're going to connect.
And then you help your teen decide what they're comfortable with.
What job do you want to do?
Do you want to get everyone's drinks for them?
Do you want to set the table?
Do you want to help with dishes?
Enroll them in the process because I know for me, I grew up clearing the table.
I grew up helping with the dishes because my mom worked in the kitchen all day and cooking
is so hard now that I do it.
I know, it sounds like that.
Yeah.
And I'm like, wow, you're on your feet.
It's exhausting.
They shouldn't also have to do the dishes.
It's a collaboration.
And I think also in that same breath, not villainizing the phone.
No.
So not being like, don't you do it on your-
No.
Don't talk about it.
Let's say, I understand you want to be on your phone.
You're a human.
You're a teenager.
Let's find a balance.
Yes.
Come to the table, have a conversation, clean up.
After you do that, then you can be on your phone.
Or let's do, we're going to do the gifts and we're going to do this and then you can be
on your phone.
Whatever it is for you, right?
Set, also set like a time amount.
Don't go over 45 minutes on the phone, 30 minutes, 15, whatever it is, whatever you're
comfortable again, once again, right?
And you know the teen.
This is a teen who's on their phone like 10 hours out of the day and now you're like,
you're only going to have 15 minutes.
That's not okay.
That's like withdrawal.
Exactly.
They're going to go into withdrawal.
It is an addiction.
Literally.
So find what works.
And the approach to it because teenagers, depending on if we're talking female or male,
hormonal, whatever.
Hormonal they all are.
But even more so females going into certain times and dealing with the hormones because
even we deal with the hormones and it's a lot.
But talking about it in a certain way, so treating them with the respect.
And this is so important.
And this is something that I'm on my fiance all the time because he's a very direct to
the point person.
Right, he is.
Most men tend to be direct to the point, right?
Without having that fluff and that softness to like approach it from a loving and like
even though he's coming from a good space, it is triggering that survival brain with
get off your phone.
Right.
Whoa bro.
Excuse me.
How about we talk about this, right?
So let's talk to our children with that respect.
Hey, you know what?
I get you want to be on your phone.
I know that's a lot of fun.
I know it's your world.
I know you're connected to all your friends.
I don't know what that was like growing up because I didn't have that option.
But I do understand what connection feels like.
So what do you think is reasonable?
And then you can kind of open it up and they're like all day.
Okay, let's bring it down.
Let's say, hey, how about we work on this?
And so you have a conversation.
You teach them how do we both get our need met.
Because that's life.
You have needs.
I've got needs.
We work together and collaborate every day.
Absolutely.
And we're constantly working through that.
That's what relationships are.
Right?
Exactly.
And it's also how do we help them interact in a way that they're not just sitting there
stuck talking to the cousin, whatever about whatever he's into.
Yeah, boring adults are so boring.
Bring a game that you really like.
Bring an activity.
Bring a book.
If you really want to be on your own, if you're really in that loner stage that many
teenagers go through and that's totally fine.
Once again, decide the level of participation.
If that's the kid who wants to be reading a book, that's fine.
At least they're not on their phone.
Right?
Or if you are going to do that, go into the different rooms so you're not next to everybody
talking and you're like this on your phone.
Right?
So I think it's important to have them also understand this is why we're asking it from
you.
Because this is a moment that we're all together.
We're seeing people you don't see all the time.
And they want to get to know you better every time they see you too because they've seen
you grown up.
Or these are your cousins.
These are people that, you know, they're part of your family.
It's important to get to know them.
So this is why I'm asking it of you.
It's not because I want to control you or whatever teenagers think.
Right?
It's for your own good.
You want to know your family better because they're your family.
They're your people.
Totally.
100%.
Yeah.
And I can think back to my teenage years.
Yeah.
I can think back to my teenage years.
I always do that.
I said that.
Yeah.
Now that I have two stepdaughters, I'm always like, okay, when I was 15, when I was 17.
Oh yeah.
My parents knew nothing.
Yeah.
They did not understand.
And so yeah.
And I even have these conversations with my mom now because I'm like, hey, I'm so sorry.
Right?
This is what human, like this is just what we do as humans.
You don't know what you don't know.
And I tell this to them all the time is like, I promise in 10 years, you're going to be
like, whoa.
Yes.
I understand now.
Right?
But when people told us at their age, we were like, no, I won't.
It's going to be different for me.
You'll never know what this love for my boyfriend feels like because you've never been in love
before.
Yeah, I never have.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So it's like, it's so teenagers are hard.
Yes.
And it's a time and this is something we wanted to do a whole podcast on about the teenage
brain.
We need to do that.
Yeah.
Because it's so much.
And it's wild.
So that compassion of like treating your teenager with respect and the law of physics comes
in.
The harder you push, the harder they push back.
So you have to take that moment where you feel the emotions, you feel the betrayal,
you feel like I've done everything for you.
Why do you fight everything I do?
Like I understand when you're four, seven, but you're 15.
Yeah.
You're 17.
Yeah.
Come on.
Like something's got to give that.
I understand 100%.
And that's where you have to like just take that moment, eat your ego and say, okay, wait,
I'm allowed to have human emotion, but I also need to go work on that and deal with it on
my own and then come to my teen clean slate.
Hey, I'm here for you.
I'm here for you.
Like you're going to mess up.
You're going to have lots of mess ups in your life and I want to be on your team.
Even when you're messed up, even when you're crying, but I do also need to hold a boundary.
Exactly.
And that's once again what they want to know and make them feel empowered.
It's the same with the younger kids.
You really want them to feel like they're making all the decisions.
Same thing with your teenager.
100%.
If you want to get it harder, you might have to be a better actor, but you really do make
them think it's their idea.
I don't even feel like I have to act when I actually have gone and done the work on me.
Right, that's true.
Okay, you just did this and I've made me feel like you're not expressing gratitude for me.
You have no appreciation for everything I've done.
And they're like, no, but I am.
I really do appreciate it and I am grateful for everything you've done.
And you're like, but you're not showing it.
And then you're like, wait, okay, maybe they don't have the tools yet.
Exactly.
And again, think to yourself at that age, you weren't showing them anything but like,
ew.
Yeah.
Honestly, you really didn't even think of your parents as having emotions.
All you think about is yourself and your friends and your boyfriend.
Like that's it.
Honestly, it couldn't be further from the truth.
Good Charlotte, we're listening to you at Lincoln Park.
That's all you care about.
Yeah, the band posters on the wall.
You're obsessed.
So yeah, it's really hard time for the holidays, especially if you have, so maybe if you've
got trauma going on, maybe you have divorce, maybe you've got all these things happening
during this time of the year.
But our advice is you can creep and crawl your way through it to make it easier.
And then setting that intention.
Get that RAS system looking for how you want it to go.
And we're here to support.
So if you've got questions, if you want to ask us, hey, this is what's going on.
Is this a brain related behavior?
Is this a learned behavior?
How do I handle this?
Never ever.
We've got tips, brain based tips that will help you navigate these times.
And we're in it.
Like Paloma, I feel like you're in it with me because we work together so closely and
you see my kids, their behavior and all the things happening.
And I'm always like, this is so hard.
And so we're here to support because we get it.
It's human.
And the number one thing is, is you're not going to get it perfect and right every single
time.
Yes.
And be okay with that.
Be okay with it.
And you know, society's expectations are what you make of them.
Oh, I make jokes.
Yeah, that was good.
We should do a whole episode about society's expectations.
Okay.
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Thank you.
Happy holidays.