1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,560 Hi, this is Danny. 2 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:05,680 Before we start today, I want to ask you to take a quick second to rate and review 3 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:07,600 our podcast whenever you're listening. 4 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:11,760 This really helps us reach new listeners and spread the word that the brain can 5 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,320 change. Thank you. 6 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:14,520 And now on to our show. 7 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,760 Hi, and welcome to the In The Cortex podcast. 8 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:24,700 We are your hosts. 9 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:27,760 I'm Paloma Garcia and I am Danny Pericone. 10 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,720 And we're the founders of In The Cortex, an online community with programs that 11 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:35,680 show people the tools that they need to change their lives, their brain re-organization, 12 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:37,800 no medication, just movement. 13 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:42,000 When you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate your nervous system, 14 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:46,280 you start to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the Cortex. 15 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:50,480 Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the Cortex life. 16 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,760 And now on to today's episode. 17 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:58,680 Up next is one of our members, Cortex Moments. 18 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,440 And please bear with us on the sound. 19 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,400 It's just a quick clip, so please push through it. 20 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:04,720 We promise it's worth it. 21 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,800 I have so many in the Cortex Moments now that I've been doing this program. 22 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:12,880 Probably eight months, 10 months or so. 23 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:17,160 I finished the program and I just incorporated it into my everyday life. 24 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:24,960 For example, as a mom of a toddler, tantrum used to be so difficult for me to maintain 25 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,600 my calm. 26 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:30,680 I could just feel this sense of anxiety rising and even just frustration and getting 27 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,800 triggered from my child. 28 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,040 And it is completely different now. 29 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:40,200 I can see my child's compassion and able to stay completely calm. 30 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:45,880 And sometimes I do feel a little bit of a sense of frustration or irritation. 31 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:51,080 It's a particularly rough one, but it's almost like it starts coming and then I'm 32 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:57,160 just able to instantly just feel compassion for my child and put myself in their shoes 33 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:02,400 and just being able to support them in the moment that they're in for the emotion that 34 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:03,040 they're having. 35 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,040 And it's just a completely different experience that I once had. 36 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,880 And they went relationship. 37 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:12,920 So, you know, something that used to really irritate me in the past, or that I would just 38 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:17,840 get this as a speaker or just feeling kind of hot about something that really just doesn't 39 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:18,880 happen anymore. 40 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,880 And I know that this is a direct result of the brain work that I've done. 41 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:26,080 I've reorganized my brain to be able to live in my cortex. 42 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:30,600 It's like higher practicing and being able to view these situations with a different 43 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:31,040 blend. 44 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:35,680 And yeah, of course, sometimes I still have those feelings, but they're just not as 45 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,240 intense and they just don't bother me as much. 46 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,600 They're definitely not the remediation that I used to have. 47 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,000 I am just a huge proponent of brain work. 48 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,480 It has changed my life so much and I am so grateful for it in the cortex. 49 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,640 Listen, you little wiseacre, I'm smart. 50 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:51,120 You're dumb. 51 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:52,120 I'm big, you're little. 52 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:52,640 I'm right. 53 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:53,400 You're wrong. 54 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,120 And there's nothing you can do about it. 55 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:55,920 Okay. 56 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:59,800 That's actually the exact opposite message that we would like to get on our podcast 57 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:04,160 today, but we thought we would give a little bit of nostalgia to start out the episode. 58 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:05,200 Does anybody remember that? 59 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,200 That is, of course, the iconic Danny DeVito in the movie Matilda. 60 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:14,200 And so today we're talking about parenting strategies for a cortex life. 61 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:19,880 Hint, hint what Danny DeVito does in the movie is the opposite of what we recommend. 62 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:25,040 So, Danny, let's talk a little bit about some insights that we want to share with everybody. 63 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:30,480 Yeah, that clip is so what the kids would say today, cringy, right? 64 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:35,480 I even watched that movie kind of recently with my kids and I was just heartbroken of 65 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,120 like, gosh, that's so sad. 66 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:42,600 And that is what we're here to do is dispel all of the parenting things that we think 67 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:47,360 and thought we should be doing and how we want to bring it to you in a way that helps 68 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,280 you understand where the brain's at. 69 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:53,600 So you can create this nurtured and amazing connection with your child. 70 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:58,600 So you really are a team and able to move through all the challenges that life brings 71 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:04,320 us with more ease, more laughter, more fun, more understanding and just really helping 72 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:10,120 our kids get to that place of feeling respected because they are individuals. 73 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,240 It does not matter how old anyone is. 74 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,640 We should respect even the tiniest little babies that are still in utero or even before 75 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,600 they're born to adults, right? 76 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:23,920 That is the key to having a very cohesive society and also teaching them the path 77 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:29,520 to independence and helping them to become independent and not codependent on us for 78 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,920 the rest of their lives and then really bringing it all together and how the world works. 79 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,560 And we mentioned this many times. 80 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,200 The world is working in kind of a wonky way these days. 81 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:43,320 And we want to create a society in a world where we're living in our cortex, where we 82 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:48,520 are able to see the challenge for what it is and not become emotionally triggered and 83 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:52,560 spiral out of control, creating fights and then just feeling completely helpless and 84 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,760 in despair of what am I even doing here? 85 00:04:56,240 --> 00:05:01,520 So today we're going to be breaking it down, giving you actual strategies on how to help 86 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:07,440 the brain, how to help parenting, how to become a team coming from a place regulated. 87 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,680 And I honestly can tell you, I have a four year old and a seven year old. 88 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,040 I've told you time and time again. 89 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:18,920 And parenting is one of the most challenging adventures you will go on because it strips 90 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,440 you of your everything, your rest. 91 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:26,760 Parenting takes you down to a really challenging place in your own life because you 92 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,160 can't, you know, not show up. 93 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:34,800 You are tired, you are working so hard and you're doing all the things and your kids 94 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,400 have their demands and they're putting them on you. 95 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,440 And so it's just challenging, right? 96 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,520 So we say this all the time. 97 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:46,000 You cannot parent from a dysregulated space and expect the harmony. 98 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:51,480 So really, this is to parents putting that spotlight on you, making sure you're doing 99 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:51,800 the work. 100 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:56,440 We always say that, please do our program first before you want to engage in the following. 101 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,800 But if you're like, hey, I'm not ready yet, we also understand that and we honor your 102 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:00,280 journey. 103 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,120 So we're going to give you some tips and we're going to break them down for you and 104 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,920 hope you can start applying them and see how they work for you at home. 105 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:07,840 Yeah. 106 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:10,760 And let's talk about kind of going back to the Danny DeVito. 107 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,120 Danny DeVito, I love your work. 108 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:19,920 Because I said so kind of mentality that is very common or I think maybe used to be 109 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:20,520 very common. 110 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:25,240 I don't know that much about current parenting trends. 111 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,800 I think you know a lot more about this, Danny, obviously. 112 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,520 I'm going to say it's common. 113 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,200 Okay, it is. 114 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:30,520 Okay. 115 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,920 I feel like it's kind of like a very outdated way of looking at things. 116 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:38,280 But I know that, I mean, it is, of course, a lot of people are making the shift and that's 117 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,680 why they're listening to this podcast probably, right? 118 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,000 So what is wrong? 119 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:51,800 Like what is the problem or the issue with saying, because I said so, go get your shoes, 120 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,440 get in the car because I said so. 121 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,240 Eat your dinner right now because I said so. 122 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,160 Time to go to bed because I said so. 123 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,320 I think so many people grew up with that. 124 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,640 And why do you think that is harmful? 125 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:07,280 The very first part of it is it's triggering that survival brain. 126 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:12,440 And so anytime a demand comes at a brain, it's going to immediately respond with a 127 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,080 fight or flight or freeze or fawn reaction. 128 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,920 And that is if that brain is in very underdeveloped space. 129 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,280 And so I mentioned this in the last podcast. 130 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,200 Little Danny was always in survival mode. 131 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,920 So I was already in that hyper state of everything being a threat. 132 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,680 So if someone came at me and demanded something from me, I immediately would have 133 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,320 had one of those four responses because that was how my brain was wired. 134 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:38,280 Now, so if you have a brain that's already prone to being in that fight or flight 135 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:43,120 space, which most brains are today, then you're going to immediately shut down 136 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,920 that brain and we're going to already have what we call a pawn's moment where 137 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,040 you're just, there's nothing rational going on. 138 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:53,560 The second part of that is then tapping into all the subconscious beliefs. 139 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,920 And then it's giving that. 140 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,600 And that's where we talked about the respect. 141 00:07:56,600 --> 00:08:00,440 And we want to make sure children feel respected because if you feel respected 142 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:03,160 as a child, you're going to feel respected as an adult. 143 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,400 And then your life will emulate that. 144 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:09,600 And so if you don't feel like you have a voice, if you're not seen, if you're not 145 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:15,440 heard, if you don't have any power in a healthy way, power, then that's going to 146 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:19,720 be a reflection of the rest of your life and you're going to be doing behaviors 147 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:23,360 that are really showing how you weren't given that as a child. 148 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,400 So that's why those two main points are really damaging to come at it from the 149 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,280 I said so perspective. 150 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,040 And most parents, we know this, right? 151 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,600 Paloma, why do parents go there? 152 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,080 They're dysregulated. 153 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,720 And yeah, they're tired. 154 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,560 They're over exhausted. 155 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,240 They got so much going on. 156 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,720 And that's also something that I think we forgot to say at the beginning of the 157 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:47,640 podcast, we say this every single podcast, no judgment, you know, like I haven't 158 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,960 been there and I've shared this before. 159 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:54,160 I got to think really long and hard before I even consider having children 160 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,440 because I know it's really, really, really challenging. 161 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,640 But Danny, you've been there so many times where you do go to them because I 162 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,360 said so, right? 163 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:06,160 And so that's kind of my next question to add on to that is when is it okay? 164 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:11,160 Because sometimes there is that moment and I've seen this so many times that 165 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:16,240 there's so many times with my students, with my friends who have kids where you 166 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,520 do have to get somewhere or you have to have to do something, right? 167 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:24,240 So there is a moment where like, because I said so is okay, right? 168 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:29,560 How would you frame it in a way that's not going to be triggering the pawns and 169 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:34,120 that's not going to be also damaging the parent and whatever they're trying to 170 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,960 do in that day or that night or whatever. 171 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:36,920 Yeah. 172 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,240 And really quick, I want to put a quick note in there for you Paloma, because 173 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:45,000 honestly, being able to say, I don't know if I'm ready to have kids is one of 174 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,960 like the most courageous and bravest things a person can say into this world. 175 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,720 It feels like because everybody's having kids because that's just what we do, 176 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:52,120 right? 177 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:53,560 Especially this age, yeah. 178 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:54,000 Yeah. 179 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,960 And especially to be like, I don't know if it's for me because to even do that is 180 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:03,840 already taking that step of saying, I don't know if I'm able to hold space for 181 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,960 somebody else and think about all those cycles, then you're already breaking 182 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,120 because so many people have kids. 183 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,040 I've had parents come to me and say, I wish I didn't have kids. 184 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,080 And I was like, but you do. 185 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,680 And you need to step into it because there's lives depending on it. 186 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,880 So that was a quick little plug for all the people out there who are listening 187 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,240 and they're like, I don't know if I want to have kids. 188 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,040 If you're even questioning it now at this point, then don't. 189 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:25,160 You know, there's no pressure. 190 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,800 Again, remove what society thinks. 191 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:33,520 So going to the question, when I get to that point where I have, and we're 192 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,360 going to talk about the strategies in a minute and I've done all the strategies 193 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,560 and then my children are still pushing. 194 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:42,560 And we're in an environment where I don't have the time to give them the 195 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,360 full explanation of what needs to happen. 196 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,320 And it could be a safety thing like, hey, we're about to cross the street. 197 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,720 Give me your hand because we need to cross the street. 198 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,080 There's not a lot of time. 199 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,120 That's when I say, because I said so, it's a safety thing. 200 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,000 Or if it's like, you know, a health well-being situation, that's when it's, 201 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:01,920 I said so, I need you to trust me. 202 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:07,440 And but it's coming from a place where I am regulated and I have already built 203 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,120 that trust muscle between us. 204 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:10,480 That's what I was going to say. 205 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:14,440 And they know that they can trust me to surrender because that's ultimately, 206 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,360 when a parent is in control, that's the goal, right? 207 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,120 They're in control. 208 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,000 They're the guide. 209 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:24,000 And it means that they're able to help that other person who doesn't have all 210 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,120 the tools yet to understand what's going on in the situation. 211 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:32,480 When a child is able to do whatever they want, it is actually the scariest thing 212 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:36,040 for a kid because they go, oh, no, I'm in control. 213 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,320 Wait, wait, wait, this isn't how it's supposed to go. 214 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,480 And then that turns into other things down the road where you're like, I had 215 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:44,360 to parent myself and I am lost and all that, all this stuff. 216 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:49,240 So this is where we say, that's the time the situation is calling for it. 217 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,000 You need to get out. 218 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:54,640 We can share examples of this, you know, health, safety, that sort of thing needs 219 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,720 to be, you know, because I said so, I'm your parent. 220 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,320 That's what I do. 221 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:58,320 Absolutely. 222 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:03,920 And I think there are moments that I've noticed with you and your family. 223 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,960 And obviously I keep coming back to this because of course I'm very close 224 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,200 and I've seen you guys, other way you guys operate. 225 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,320 I think there's moments where you also go back and you're like, Hey, do you guys 226 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,640 remember what happened earlier when we talked about this? 227 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:19,520 And maybe you weren't totally super listening to me. 228 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:24,160 And I had to get really stern and say, because I said so and tell you really, 229 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,760 right now we have to do this thing. 230 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,400 Let's talk about it. 231 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,840 Here's why that happened. 232 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,560 And here's how we can do it next time so that we don't get to that point, right? 233 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:37,200 Because at the same time, it's always important to keep in mind that they 234 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,960 are still kids and they are still going to have those moments of dysregulation. 235 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:45,200 And again, we've talked about this before, the expectation for kids is so high 236 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,760 that they always have to listen the first time, do everything they're told, all these 237 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:49,040 things. 238 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:50,800 And sometimes they're just not ready for it. 239 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,000 And that's when the parent is able to say, okay, this is not the moment to 240 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:54,800 teach lessons. 241 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:58,400 This is the moment to get out of danger, to get out of the situation, to get to 242 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,480 the next situation that is going to be more positive. 243 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,400 So listen to me right now. 244 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,920 And then if necessary, you can go back and talk about it, right? 245 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,880 Once they're in a moment in a space where they can listen and where you're in a 246 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,520 space that you can actually talk about it. 247 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,640 Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you said that. 248 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,880 That is like going back to when you're in the cortex. 249 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,680 That's the only thing that can happen, right? 250 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,720 Is we are all now calm, we're no longer in whatever threatening situation we 251 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:22,480 might have been in. 252 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,680 And now we can reflect. 253 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,640 And that's what life is, is it's constant reflection. 254 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,000 Hey, how did you do here? 255 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,400 What would you like to do differently in the future? 256 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:35,840 And I do this with my kids so much and we have such a constant forward 257 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,040 momentum of growth. 258 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:41,160 And that doesn't mean we relive things that are challenging because, right? 259 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:44,520 And I've been very open and honest, like my son has, you know, really 260 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:49,640 challenged with separation anxiety and building that trust up of, you know, 261 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,200 are you going to be there for me, mom? 262 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,800 Because he's got an abandonment wound from, you know, when I was nursing and 263 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,200 all the things going on with that and I've talked about that another podcast. 264 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,080 So that's something that's still coming up and then my ex husband and I 265 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:03,200 got into a divorce. 266 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,000 So that was another moment of like, wait, can I trust how you're 267 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,480 going to handle the situation? 268 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:13,560 So it's constantly needing to keep looking at something, you know, 269 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,320 whatever the situation's calling for and then knowing how you do keep 270 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:20,760 breaking it down and keep reflecting and keep growing. 271 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:21,720 And this is what we do. 272 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,160 So we talk about this all the time. 273 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,080 We've talked about money. 274 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,160 We've talked about relationships. 275 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:29,400 We talked about all of our own core wounds from childhood and we might hit 276 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,920 one point of it, but then there's an, that's the umbrella. 277 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,360 And then there's so much more to the onion, right? 278 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:38,200 Where you have to peel back more layers of how do you get deeper into that route? 279 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:42,840 And again, I wouldn't talk to my four year old the same way I talked to 280 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,120 my step girls that are 15 and 17, right? 281 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:46,760 Exactly. 282 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:51,480 I obviously have to cater that conversation to help them make sense of it. 283 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:55,400 And when she was two, you weren't talking to her the way you talk to her now. 284 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:55,880 Right. 285 00:14:55,880 --> 00:15:01,080 But I, so I've always, always talked to kids as they are humans, not like, 286 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,520 oh, you cute little baby, you know, and like talk down to them. 287 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,920 I've always been a person who's just talked to a child or a baby for life, 288 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,440 what, for what it really is. 289 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:14,520 And so I do that for all kids and it's amazing when kids see you, like they 290 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,280 see that and they light up and they're like, oh my gosh, they see me, they get me. 291 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:22,360 So that's our other thing is try talking to kids in a way like they're a human 292 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,200 and they understand so much more than we give them credit for. 293 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,240 Yeah. 294 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:31,320 They understand so much more than you can get, you give them credit for 295 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,320 than anybody gives them credit for. 296 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:37,640 And they'll surprise you when you don't even know that they picked up certain things. 297 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,960 And, and, and of course, it's the same thing. 298 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,400 Go back to when you were a kid. 299 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,040 Right. 300 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,560 You understood a lot more things than your parents probably gave you credit for. 301 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,440 Even if they weren't direct, right? 302 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:52,440 Like I could, I could tell them my parents were going through some rocky times, 303 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,440 even though nobody told me anything. 304 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:55,320 I knew it. 305 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,440 I just could feel it. 306 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:56,760 Right. 307 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,600 And so they were acting like, oh yeah, everything's great. 308 00:15:58,600 --> 00:15:59,720 We're fine, blah, blah. 309 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:03,480 And you're like, okay, I might not have understood that at the point. 310 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,040 I'm when I was younger, I might not have understood what that meant. 311 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,640 But part of me understood that something was disconnected there. 312 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:10,840 On a percent. 313 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:14,680 So, and that's exactly what I do with my kids is I don't give them all 314 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:20,360 the details of all the fights and arguments and all the things that have happened with me and their dad. 315 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:25,400 But I give them the understanding that we just, you know, it's okay if humans go different directions. 316 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:30,680 And we have to embrace that we all are just trying to do the best we can. 317 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,120 And it's okay. 318 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,320 Let's have some grace. 319 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:44,280 And so this is another big part of what we want to share for parents is that if there is any ego involved in parenting thinking that you're the best parents. 320 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,360 The best parent in the entire world. 321 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:50,440 Our podcast and program are probably not a good for you. 322 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,720 Our number one thing is being vulnerable and authentic here. 323 00:16:53,720 --> 00:17:00,200 And Paloma and I own our stuff all the time, very publicly, that we have so much we're working through. 324 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,400 And we are humans. 325 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,000 We are not above anything. 326 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:07,160 But the one thing that I will always say is that I mess up all the time. 327 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,520 I tell this to my kids too. 328 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:09,720 I am messing up too. 329 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,640 This is the first time I've ever been a parent. 330 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,800 So this is a learning curve for me. 331 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:19,640 And but when you're a parent who thinks that and people always come up to us and they say, oh, but we're fine, right? 332 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,440 Like, you know, we're fine. 333 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,080 We're doing okay. 334 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:21,240 Right. 335 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,960 And I'm like, hey, everyone has room for improvement. 336 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,120 Not ever not anyone has it figured out. 337 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,600 So check yourself now. 338 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:35,960 And just notice how are you feeling about taking on different tactics and how is that coming through to you? 339 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,560 Do you feel challenged in your parenting? 340 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,520 Do you feel like it's hitting a core of like you're not enough as a parent? 341 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:46,200 Those are all signs that there's definitely some subconscious in there that is coming through and kind of going to start to 342 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:53,240 maybe make you fall into that Danny DeVito role a little bit where you're just like, because I said so, stop questioning me. 343 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:53,640 Right. 344 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,120 And that's the number one thing. 345 00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:02,680 Once you become regulated and you start looking at your own patterns, then you can start stepping into being the parent you really want to be. 346 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:08,520 And that's kind of newer for me because we've been doing our program now for seven weeks. 347 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:15,400 And I am just like, oh my gosh, Paloma, Siggi started to have like a meltdown a little bit, but I didn't go into the whole thing of 348 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,520 I'm so tired right now. 349 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:20,520 Can you just get it together and just like, let's get through this and get our jammies on and go to bed. 350 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:25,000 I was like last night, whether you're taking me to your bed and you're like, go to sleep and they're like, okay. 351 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:29,480 And they just listened and I was like, wow, because I'm coming from a different place. 352 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,640 I'm actually like blown away sometimes we pinch ourselves all the time. 353 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,040 Like, oh, this stuff is like really powerful. 354 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:40,280 It really works every time and we laugh about it because we're like, we love and believe it. 355 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:44,520 We're so passionate about it and then we live it and we're like, holy cow, look at all these changes. 356 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,920 So it's so easy to forget about your own tools. 357 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:47,720 Oh my gosh. 358 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:48,360 So easy. 359 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:52,040 And we always think we have even you and I put this pressure on ourselves where we're like, we should. 360 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,080 What's that saying? 361 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,920 You don't should all over yourself. 362 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,480 Like we should be this regulated. 363 00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,320 We should be like this all the time. 364 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,960 And I think that's also what comes up for certain parents. 365 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,960 I mean, people in general, when they're starting to question, they're like, okay, I'm gonna go to bed. 366 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,680 Their behaviors and their attitudes in the world. 367 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,040 You're like, well, I shouldn't have that attitude. 368 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,560 I shouldn't feel that way. 369 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,760 I shouldn't act this way. 370 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,600 I shouldn't be questioning myself. 371 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,280 So why is my little kid questioning me? 372 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,000 Once again, expectations. 373 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:27,640 Like let go of the expectations and let's stop shooting all over ourselves, please. 374 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:33,240 Because honestly, the best thing is when you start to truly be yourself and be like, oh, 375 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,480 okay, you will discover so much about yourself. 376 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,200 We discover things every single day and our members do too. 377 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:39,400 Every day. 378 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:44,280 And as you just said that, I was like, wow, I just should have all over myself yesterday 379 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,240 when I was like, why am I crying right now? 380 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,800 I should be past all of these emotions. 381 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,840 Hello, you're a human, right? 382 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,200 So, you know, and that's where we say this is a journey. 383 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:00,760 We are a lifestyle brand where we say this is a way of life. 384 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:04,120 Every morning I am up with my kids doing my brain work. 385 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,480 We set ourselves up. 386 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,600 They know the drill now. 387 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:12,600 It's just what we do to set ourselves up to have an easier, more flowy day where we can just laugh 388 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,400 more, connect more, and just be more present. 389 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,120 It's literally what every parent I think is looking for. 390 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:19,720 Absolutely. 391 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:26,520 Let's get into some of the ways of how we know the brain processes, the information for what it is, 392 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,120 and keeps the brain in the cortex. 393 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,000 That's the goal here. 394 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,880 Stay in the cortex because that's where the magic happens. 395 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,280 That's where you can keep moving forward through any challenge. 396 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,280 So the first one. 397 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:42,040 I will say before going forward, we shouldn't fear the pawns. 398 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:46,840 We shouldn't fear the moments of, you know, the dysregulation because it's also normal. 399 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,840 It's more understanding when is the right, it's more about timing. 400 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:51,800 When is the right timing? 401 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,800 When is, when am I feeling it? 402 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,640 When is my kid ready to process this information? 403 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:02,200 Because if we start to fear the pawns and we start to fear the dysregulation, then 404 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,680 they're going to feel like there's something wrong with having feelings and we don't want that. 405 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,240 So it's important to keep that in mind, right? 406 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:09,720 I love that. 407 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:14,040 I just had another aha with that and I'm like, oh yeah, embrace all of it, right? 408 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:18,200 But it is a moment where you can, we've say this all the time, like I'm totally in my pawns right now. 409 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,840 I totally forgot about this meeting and it just triggered all this and I'm blah, blah, blah. 410 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:23,960 But it's happening. 411 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,880 Like I honestly, I'm like, I don't actually feel like I'm fully in my pawns where I'm in 412 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,680 survival reaction mode really at all anymore. 413 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,920 I feel like I'm in emotional mode where I'm like, I feel this, this is an emotion. 414 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,560 I feel sad and that's okay. 415 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,920 So yes, you're totally right. 416 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,640 We do want your pawns to still lie dormant. 417 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:46,360 So if you have a true survival situation, you're like the Saber II Tiger coming down the street. 418 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:47,160 The famous story. 419 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:48,360 My favorite story. 420 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,840 No, it's more like, hey, this just happened. 421 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:55,560 You know, you need to be able to react in a manner that's going to keep everyone alive. 422 00:21:55,560 --> 00:22:00,440 But you don't want that to be happening when your child says, hey, Mom, why is this the way it is? 423 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:04,280 And you're like, big eyes, and you're screaming at them. 424 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:10,680 There are very first and number one tip is asking questions and asking questions. 425 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,800 This is also something to keep in mind when we're sharing all these tips. 426 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:14,520 It's an art. 427 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,760 We don't just expect you just to have it down and it's done and there's a black and white way to do this. 428 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:24,760 So yes, really knowing your child, knowing your style and really finding a rhythm that works for all of you 429 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:30,760 to keep you in that space of being able to ask a question that keeps your brain in the cortex. 430 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:36,360 So an interrogative question, did you do your homework, is not going to keep you in your cortex 431 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:37,720 because that feels like a threat. 432 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,000 That feels like I'm lying. 433 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,440 That feels like you don't trust me. 434 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,040 There is a lot of undercurrent there. 435 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:47,000 But asking questions like, hmm, did I ask you to go do your homework? 436 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,960 Did I ask you to go put ice cream on the walls? 437 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:50,280 I don't know. 438 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,800 That's asking questions where did I ask you to do this or this? 439 00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,240 That's helping the brain tune into two options. 440 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,640 It's also giving it in a really light way. 441 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,800 And it's also keeping everybody in the cortex. 442 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:07,960 And I just threw a novelty, which is our next point, which is saying something that's completely off the wall. 443 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:12,520 Because you cannot be in survival mode when you're answering a question 444 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,160 because your brain automatically kicks it into the cortex. 445 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,600 It has to process it there. 446 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,320 You cannot be sitting and thinking in survival mode. 447 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,800 And then also novelty. 448 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,920 You know, that's something that's a very cortex function. 449 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:28,360 Being able to see things in a really creative imaginative way. 450 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:34,360 It's again, going to bring that information to the cortex, keeping that child engaged in whatever you're talking about. 451 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:39,800 Sometimes when you've lost your kids like too far, and this just happened at soccer the other day, 452 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,080 a kid got kicked in the face. 453 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,640 And I tried one of my novelty approaches on him. 454 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:44,520 It wasn't going in. 455 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,760 He was already too far into his pants where he's like, 456 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:50,600 I don't think you asking me if my belly button fell off was funny. 457 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,160 He's like, this really hurts. 458 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:53,800 Thanks, Danny. 459 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,400 He's like, Mom. 460 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:56,360 And I was like, all right. 461 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:59,400 So sometimes you have to be like, hey, I'm trying things out. 462 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,440 Sometimes they hit. 463 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,880 Sometimes they don't. 464 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:08,120 And that's where you sting in your cortex allows you to keep coming up with ideas on how do you keep engaging that cortex. 465 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:12,040 Another great novelty approach is by whispering. 466 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:18,440 Whispering is like everyone knows that when someone starts whispering, they're like, oh, they're saying something I can't hear. 467 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:19,960 And I shouldn't hear it. 468 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,480 And so they just tune in and they're like, uh, huh, got it. 469 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:32,040 So oftentimes I'll advise parents go just in like ear shot, but then whisper and do it in a way where like you're really like, gosh, 470 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:39,560 I'm really hoping that Johnny knows that he has to go clean his room right now before we can go have ice cream for dessert or something. 471 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:40,920 I don't know why I have ice cream on the brain. 472 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:44,040 But, um, I'm hungry. 473 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:44,920 Yeah. 474 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:48,600 Um, and so that's where he, Johnny's like, oh, I should go clean my room. 475 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,600 So we're not directly talking to him. 476 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:55,560 He thinks he's overhearing something he shouldn't hear that's engaging the cortex to tune in. 477 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,320 And that's a great way again to get that cortex online. 478 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,200 And that actually made me think of this author. 479 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,560 I can't remember the name. 480 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:10,040 When teenagers have received a lot of messaging about their behavior. 481 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:19,320 When, when their kids teens, preteens, all those developmental stages, when they've received the messaging from their parents, I have such an amazing kid. 482 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,320 I have such a responsible child. 483 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:28,680 My child is so loving and all of these positive messages, they are more likely to kind of stay on the track. 484 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:39,720 Let's say that we want them to be on in adolescence and early adulthood, which is when a lot of people kind of stray from the path that parents thought they were on or that they might want to 485 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:43,160 keep their children on in terms of having a happy and fulfilled life. 486 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:49,320 And I don't remember where this study was done, but we can look it up and it was really, really interesting. 487 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,120 And this is another great way of saying, of doing that, right? 488 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:57,960 Even when maybe this is not something you're going to do when the kid is about to have a tantrum or a meltdown. 489 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:07,080 It's more of like a positive reinforcement technique and you can act like you're talking to maybe your spouse or like talking on the phone saying, yeah, you know, I just have axles amazing. 490 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:08,600 And he's just been doing all of his brain work. 491 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,200 He's cleaning up his room. 492 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,800 I'm just so, so proud of him. 493 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:17,400 Then making sure that you're that they're hearing these messages without you always telling them directly. 494 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:18,360 You are amazing. 495 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:23,080 You are so great because sometimes they need to feel like it's that social proof, right? 496 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:27,480 It's like as if you're talking about it with somebody else that makes it even more valuable. 497 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:28,760 Oh, I love that. 498 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:29,800 I'm so glad you brought that up. 499 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:38,280 And really quick to note during that adolescence, that's actually when the brain is going through a massive pruning process where it is now priming itself to say, 500 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:38,760 you know what? 501 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,040 I don't need you parents. 502 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,440 I actually can take this on myself. 503 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:49,720 And that's where all of a sudden these teens make those not so cortex choices because they're actually flexing that muscle to say, I'm independent. 504 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:50,680 I can go on to the world. 505 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,720 Watch me because that's really exactly in time. 506 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:59,560 That's when that truly when kids are moving out and going to, you know, adventure and meet other people. 507 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:03,960 And so that's a big part of when us humans are designed to do that. 508 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:08,120 So if you're like, why does my teenager make those do those things? 509 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,040 It's because that's what their brains designed to do. 510 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:14,040 But really important, our brain is not fully developed until we are 26 years old. 511 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:17,560 And that's why we always say, don't do anything life changing until after 26. 512 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,840 And of course, actually some studies have said 29. 513 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:21,960 Oh, it's getting later now. 514 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:23,320 I believe it is. 515 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,240 Honestly, the science is still out on that one. 516 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:32,200 But yeah, just hold space for those ages and look for yourself and also patch yourself on the back because we were doing the best we could. 517 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,440 Let's just say that. 518 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:35,080 So, okay. 519 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:41,640 So asking questions and novelty, you know, not talking directly at them, but making sure they're an air shot. 520 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:46,280 Another great tip is making sure that your child, if you really want them to hear something, 521 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:47,880 you're sitting in front of them. 522 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,160 You have tactile input. 523 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,480 That means you maybe have some nice proprioception. 524 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,160 You're putting your hands on their shoulders. 525 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:59,240 You're giving them a bear hug, whatever you're in front of them and you're telling them whatever it is that you need them to hear. 526 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:06,120 And then after you do that, the next tip, after you've done those, the first one asking questions or the third one, 527 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:10,120 I just mentioned of a child in front of you, ask them back what they heard. 528 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:14,120 So now you know if they're processing what we're talking about. 529 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:15,240 So, so cool. 530 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:17,000 I love that chat we just had. 531 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,240 Could you go ahead and tell me back what you just heard? 532 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,560 And that way now we're all on the same page. 533 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:25,720 Now you can actually hold them accountable for whatever it is that just went down. 534 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:30,200 And I usually give like points like I with my son, I have like talking points. 535 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:35,000 So maybe I give them like three step instructions or three different things I need them to do. 536 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,400 And I have, I put my fingers out and count with them. 537 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,560 So I just went through those three steps. 538 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,840 You're not going to now go haywire and go to something we didn't mention, right? 539 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:43,400 Okay, cool. 540 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:44,040 We got it. 541 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:54,520 And when kids are writing age, you can also have them write it down because writing things, putting pen to paper helps your brain really solidify what's what it's thinking about and what it's processing. 542 00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:56,680 Oh, I love that for teenagers. 543 00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:01,240 I have been doing that with the teenagers now we put it on paper and we both like sign off on it. 544 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:08,120 Like, yes, we have now have a binding contract that we all have agreed on and we negotiated it to where we're all comfortable. 545 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:09,240 We heard your opinion. 546 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:17,320 We heard your voice and we just did this the other day and like, and I print out their daily brainwork schedules and then I add on all the other things that we need to have covered for the week. 547 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:18,440 We talk about it. 548 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,120 It's up on the bulletin board. 549 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:21,880 So yeah, it's a great tool. 550 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:25,080 And maybe now that you say that, I should have them write it instead of me. 551 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:26,280 Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. 552 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:27,880 Yeah, because it's like putting pen to paper. 553 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:32,760 Well, that's why we have our members sign that right and sign that commitment text. 554 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:40,120 It's such it sounds like such a silly thing, but it really does help your brain process that message much more profoundly. 555 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:49,880 And it's more likely that this message is actually going to stick in the brain than if you just say it, you know, especially nowadays because there's so much information going in and out of the brain. 556 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:54,520 That saying something's like, okay, it's in one ear at the other or like never even in the ears. 557 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,400 It just went out your mouth and like out into the ether, you know. 558 00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:07,560 So my next strategy that I use, I mean, I use all of these, but this is one that as we are in my favorite time to use this is usually in the transition period. 559 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:13,240 So we just get picked up from school or I just got picked the kids were relieving soccer practice. 560 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:14,520 We're heading home. 561 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:18,040 Now we're going to set the expectation they're in their car seats or whatever. 562 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,040 You're all in a car together. 563 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:22,040 This is the time you have a captive audience. 564 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:23,320 Everyone's on board. 565 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,960 Okay, guys, we're about to go into the house. 566 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,160 What do we need to do before this time? 567 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:37,400 And it's usually like right around that crunch time of getting ready for bed, you know, you got to eat dinner, take showers, jammies on, brush teeth, bed. 568 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,040 So then I rattle off what are the expectations, right? 569 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,040 So we talk about what the to-dos are. 570 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:45,640 And then I talk about how are we going to handle sitting at the table? 571 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:51,640 And this is where our brain stuff comes in because we're always like, we never want to force kids to sit. 572 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:55,640 So maybe you know your child, they don't need to sit all the time. 573 00:30:55,640 --> 00:31:00,920 Maybe you've agreed on standing at the table while you have to figure out what's comfortable for you. 574 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:06,120 And as you've learned more about the brain and how it's processing, not everyone can sit still. 575 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:09,640 And so that's where we come in and we help support that process. 576 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,640 So anyways, talk about the expectation is, are they allowed to be eating food around the house? 577 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:15,640 Are they allowed to be eating food around the house? 578 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:17,640 Are they going to be playing when it's time to eat dinner? 579 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:24,640 Every time I set the expectation and I ask them back what is expected of them, we have effortless moments. 580 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,640 And then anytime I forget it, I go, oh, that's good feedback. 581 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:29,640 I forgot to set you guys up. 582 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:32,640 And that doesn't mean I have to do that for the rest of their life. 583 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:37,640 But then they start to create that habit of, hey, I'm about to walk into a new transition moment. 584 00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:39,640 What do I need to accomplish here? 585 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:43,640 How many times do us adults walk into the house and go, what was I here to do? 586 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:44,640 Right? 587 00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:45,640 Because we didn't plan ahead. 588 00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:49,640 We didn't think in our minds, I'm here to go do this, this, this, and this. 589 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:53,640 And before I was organizing my brain, I was using my fiance as my executive functioner. 590 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:57,640 And he would literally walk in and be like, Danny, sit down, track, you're doing da-da-da-da. 591 00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:01,640 And I was like, oh my gosh, why am I not doing this on my own? 592 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:03,640 It's a brain function, right? 593 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:04,640 The brain function. 594 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:09,640 And also, you can make it like a cute thing and name it something, like a team meeting. 595 00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:15,640 Let's have our team meeting and kids love that kind of stuff because it makes them feel that team feeling again, right? 596 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:17,640 Like we're all in this together. 597 00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:23,640 And helping them do that, like you said, Danny is going to help them also do this automatically when they're adults. 598 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:28,640 And then bring this to, it's a really good skill to have in your life in general at any age. 599 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:29,640 100%. 600 00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:35,640 So the final and last tip here that we have just is model to them obviously what you want them to see. 601 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:39,640 So if you want them to have a clean room, is your room clean? 602 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:40,640 Like something so simple, right? 603 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:44,640 Those are the moments where people actually go, oh my gosh, it's actually not, right? 604 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:47,640 I'm telling them to clean their room and mine's not clean. 605 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:48,640 So that's the obvious one. 606 00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:50,640 And now we said it was an art. 607 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:58,640 So sometimes when you could date that modeling, you could even model back the behavior that they're giving you, but be careful here. 608 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:09,640 Because if we're too far in our ponds, meaning we're already down into that place of irrational thinking, if you do anything that's modeling back like the whining, the crying or whatever they're doing, 609 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:14,640 you're going to trigger that ponds and to go to full fledged ponds mode. 610 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,640 And then also it then comes through a shame and mocking. 611 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:20,640 And so we want to make sure that we're not doing that. 612 00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:25,640 And I just did this with my daughter the other day, but I was able to see so calm and regulated. 613 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:29,640 And they were sitting at the counter and they were asking for all these things to eat. 614 00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:31,640 And then they're like, oh, no, I don't want that. 615 00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:34,640 And then I was like, just randomly just came to me. 616 00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:37,640 I was like, what if I looked at you guys and just started like doing the same whining. 617 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:44,640 And then I set it up and then I said, would it look weird if mom walked around going, ew, that is so gross. 618 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:47,640 I cannot believe they just did that to me. 619 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,640 And you could just see their faces immediately shift and go, yeah, you're right. 620 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:51,640 That's pretty, pretty. 621 00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,640 And then it turned into laughing because they were just like, no. 622 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:55,640 Well, you're right. 623 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:57,640 We are being kind of whiny. 624 00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:00,640 And what is our favorite line poem and what do we always say? 625 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,640 Oh, we don't speak whinies here in the cortex. 626 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:03,640 Sorry guys. 627 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:12,640 The more you can bring these things into a funny, fun connection place, the better it's going to be because that's the truth is all of us have to work on stuff our whole life. 628 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,640 It's going to be more fun if you do it, if you take it more lightly. 629 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:17,640 We don't have to take these things too serious. 630 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:21,640 And then once again, you might want to go back and at nighttime go over it. 631 00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:25,640 And then we're talking about earlier whining, you know, let's try to work on that. 632 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:35,640 Like maybe instead of whining, you can ask me things or you can ask me questions or we can talk about things beforehand or what's another way that we can communicate when you feel like you're not being heard. 633 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,640 Because usually that's whining. 634 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:40,640 It's coming from that or it's coming from a need that's not being met. 635 00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:41,640 Like they're tired. 636 00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:42,640 They're hungry there. 637 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:43,640 They've just done too much for the day. 638 00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:44,640 Right. 639 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:49,640 So let's help them understand their own cues in their body too when their brain is still disorganized. 640 00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:51,640 That's so true. 641 00:34:51,640 --> 00:35:06,640 And this brings us to another point of when you are going back and doing the reflection part and when you are reflecting on yourself as a parent, because oftentimes as parents, we start going into correction mode and we're correcting behaviors. 642 00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:07,640 Why? 643 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:09,640 You're making noises in the background. 644 00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:10,640 It's actually annoying my brain. 645 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:11,640 I need you to stop. 646 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:20,640 And so when a kid feels like they're constantly corrected because your brain profile can't block out that noise, then it starts to create that tension. 647 00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:21,640 Right. 648 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,640 So this is why we always say go work on your brain. 649 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:26,640 Go get to the place where these things you just can let them ride. 650 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:33,640 So we always want to make sure come back to what is the behavior you're correcting and why. 651 00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:37,640 Why do you feel like that behavior needs attention and correction? 652 00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:42,640 Okay. And as long as you're clear in your head, then that explanation to your child is going to be clear. 653 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:50,640 And we always bring it back to like very natural and logical things as to why that behavior you're doing is not going to ever serve you. 654 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:53,640 And so it could be as simple as like a slamming door. 655 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:54,640 Right. 656 00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:58,640 My four year old she'll get upset sometimes and she'll run into a room and she'll slam a door. 657 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:01,640 Never in the world is slamming a door ever going to serve you. 658 00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:06,640 I mean, unless you're obviously getting away from somebody and you need to let your life, but that's not what we're going for here. 659 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:12,640 Right. We're going for it. When you're upset, do you think slamming a door is going to help solve this challenge? 660 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:15,640 Right. So that's where we help her understand. 661 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:25,640 And so that's like a perfect example of like, Hey, if I can't trust you to, you know, regulate through this or help let me help you co-regulate. 662 00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:29,640 Because my big thing with my four year old is she loves the co-regulation piece. 663 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,640 Every kid does, by the way, I just go up to her. 664 00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:32,640 I see she's upset. 665 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,640 I hug her and I help her feel like, okay, thank you for that. 666 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:37,640 I'm like, okay, thank you for helping me regulate. 667 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:44,640 I've been doing this enough now where that moment takes now seconds for her to switch back into her cortex. 668 00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:46,640 So I just give her a big hug. 669 00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:50,640 I don't say anything and I just let her melt into me and she's like, okay, I'm safe. 670 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:51,640 I got this. 671 00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,640 And then we come back and talk about slamming a door. 672 00:36:54,640 --> 00:37:04,640 Hey, if I can't trust you to have a door on your, on the hinge and you're going to use it for what it's meant for, for privacy purposes, for, you know, what doors are meant for. 673 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:09,640 Then should we take it off the door so you don't have that urge to want to slam it? 674 00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:13,640 And then she looks at you like, wait, in what world would you take a door off? 675 00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:22,640 Like I've never seen a door taken off, you know, so it's engaging the novelty, but it's also giving a natural consequence of like, if you can't handle having the door and being respectful of it, then I'll just get rid of it for you. 676 00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:24,640 It makes life easier, right? 677 00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:29,640 And then she's like, now she's starting to hesitate and go, ooh, I don't think I actually want to do this. 678 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:34,640 So check in, where are you coming from when you put in a consequence? 679 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:36,640 Is it a Danny DeVito mode? 680 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:41,640 Or is it, we should just call it that for now instead of components like Danny DeVito mode. 681 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,640 Or is it because you're actually wanting them to understand how the world works. 682 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:50,640 And that's the connection mode of like, hey, I see you're upset right now. 683 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:52,640 It's okay to be angry. 684 00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:57,640 We can help work through this, but you're not allowed to hit me or throw things at me. 685 00:37:57,640 --> 00:37:59,640 And that's where that boundary needs to stay. 686 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:05,640 So if you're feeling tempted to throw things at me, I need to help you get to a place where it's safe for everybody. 687 00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:07,640 So it's not a time out. 688 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:13,640 It's, hey, I'm going to put you somewhere where there's nothing that's going to harm you or me while you're calming down. 689 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:19,640 And hey, if you'll allow me to help you, I would be so happy to help you through this moment. 690 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:24,640 And with my kids in the beginning, there's no way they could have had that conversation when they were really triggered. 691 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:30,640 But now that they have so much more cortex online, I can have those conversations and we stay so much more rational. 692 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:32,640 And now they come up to me instead of getting upset. 693 00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,640 They're like, mom, I need a hug. 694 00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:36,640 I need a hug. Help me regulate. 695 00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:42,640 And in those moments, they'll start to understand, okay, I'm feeling like I want to throw that water bottle. 696 00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:45,640 I'm going to go over there and you'll see that happening. 697 00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:51,640 And that's when it's really cool because they are on, nobody wants to be the person who's throwing water bottles and throwing things and all this, right? 698 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:58,640 And by the way, I think we should call it wormwood mode, not Danny DeVito because Danny DeVito is actually a cutie patootie. 699 00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:05,640 But it's also understanding that they don't understand how to get from A to C. 700 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:11,640 You need to walk them from A to B and then from B to C and understand the connection, right? 701 00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:15,640 So that's the whole point is understanding the why behind consequences. 702 00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:16,640 That's it. 703 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:24,640 It's walking them through your logic of the throwing of the door of all these things because their little brains are not going to understand it yet, right? 704 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:34,640 That's what they're here for is to understand those kinds of messages and then understand what consequences mean in the real world when they're at school, when they're maybe out in the community and something happens. 705 00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:37,640 That's when you can also talk about those situations. 706 00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:45,640 And you can also say, you know, if this is also for things that happen in public, kids that maybe might have like a meltdown or a hard moment in, you know, 707 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:50,640 a hard moment in a grocery store and that's where you definitely need to remove them. 708 00:39:50,640 --> 00:40:00,640 And then you can also say like, if this were an adult, they would also be removed because you have to learn how to regulate yourself before you're going into a society that we live in. 709 00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:01,640 And that's the truth. 710 00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:07,640 We live in a society and there are ways that you behave when you're with others out of respect for others as well as respect for yourself. 711 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:10,640 And so that's ultimately what they're going to end up learning. 712 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:11,640 That's so true. 713 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:20,640 And a really important thing, so being a parent is when so many times people think that your child is just that immediate representation of where you're at. 714 00:40:20,640 --> 00:40:24,640 And so everyone blames the parents for the child's behavior. 715 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,640 And it is a two-way street here. 716 00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:28,640 Like, yes, the child does have challenges. 717 00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:34,640 And we talk about that about the underdeveloped brain and that's why they're having the meltdown in the store because they just heard no. 718 00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:40,640 And now they're like, but I don't care about anything other than that toy and I will throw a full blow meltdown in the store. 719 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:46,640 And what happens to that parent you talked about with the parent that got on the plane with the baby in the last few episodes ago. 720 00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:58,640 And what happens is then the parent can't hold their regulation because then they feel judged and they are now going to be shamed by society for not being able to control their child. 721 00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:02,640 And we want to give such a different perspective that it's two parts to this process. 722 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:06,640 So every parent that comes in and says, I want to check my ego. 723 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:08,640 I know I have stuff to work on. 724 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:12,640 Oh my gosh, this is going to be such a great method for you because you're going to get to find out more about you. 725 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:13,640 You're going to be authentic. 726 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,640 You're going to be able to live in your cortex and be regulated. 727 00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:21,640 And now you start to show your child how to do that as they also are on that same path. 728 00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:26,640 So that's where the harmony, the synergy between the two really is a team. 729 00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:31,640 If a parent can stay calm, that will help that child diffuse faster. 730 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:36,640 The great thing is we have all the tools and we always end it on this note, but it's true. 731 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:41,640 We have all the tools and we can get through whatever life throws at us. 732 00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:45,640 That's why we have these tools and that's why our program is lifetime access. 733 00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:46,640 You're always going to have them. 734 00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:53,640 So with that in mind, thank you so much for joining us and let's talk about, you know, all the technical stuff. 735 00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:57,640 So Instagram in the cortex underscore us. 736 00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,640 Tiktok is in underscore the underscore cortex. 737 00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:03,640 Facebook is in the cortex us. 738 00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:08,640 Website is www.inthecortex.com. 739 00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:11,640 Our email is hello at in the cortex.com. 740 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:12,640 Please keep emailing us. 741 00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:16,640 We're getting so many great ideas from everybody and we really appreciate your support. 742 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:17,640 Thank you so much for being here. 743 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:20,640 Subscribe, share it with just one person. 744 00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:24,640 Just share it with one person, a really good friend that's also a parent or that might be interested in this stuff. 745 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:27,640 You really, really help us so much by spreading the word. 746 00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:32,640 You probably know this already, but our promo code is a Brainiac to get 10 bucks off your first payment. 747 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:34,640 Of our program. 748 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:36,640 So we will see you next time and thank you so much. 749 00:42:36,640 --> 00:43:05,640 Thank you.