Hi, this is Danny.
Before we start today, I want to ask you to take a quick second to rate and review
our podcast whenever you're listening.
This really helps us reach new listeners and spread the word that the brain can
change. Thank you.
And now on to our show.
Hi, and welcome to the In The Cortex podcast.
We are your hosts.
I'm Paloma Garcia and I am Danny Pericone.
And we're the founders of In The Cortex, an online community with programs that
show people the tools that they need to change their lives, their brain re-organization,
no medication, just movement.
When you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate your nervous system,
you start to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the Cortex.
Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the Cortex life.
And now on to today's episode.
Up next is one of our members, Cortex Moments.
And please bear with us on the sound.
It's just a quick clip, so please push through it.
We promise it's worth it.
I have so many in the Cortex Moments now that I've been doing this program.
Probably eight months, 10 months or so.
I finished the program and I just incorporated it into my everyday life.
For example, as a mom of a toddler, tantrum used to be so difficult for me to maintain
my calm.
I could just feel this sense of anxiety rising and even just frustration and getting
triggered from my child.
And it is completely different now.
I can see my child's compassion and able to stay completely calm.
And sometimes I do feel a little bit of a sense of frustration or irritation.
It's a particularly rough one, but it's almost like it starts coming and then I'm
just able to instantly just feel compassion for my child and put myself in their shoes
and just being able to support them in the moment that they're in for the emotion that
they're having.
And it's just a completely different experience that I once had.
And they went relationship.
So, you know, something that used to really irritate me in the past, or that I would just
get this as a speaker or just feeling kind of hot about something that really just doesn't
happen anymore.
And I know that this is a direct result of the brain work that I've done.
I've reorganized my brain to be able to live in my cortex.
It's like higher practicing and being able to view these situations with a different
blend.
And yeah, of course, sometimes I still have those feelings, but they're just not as
intense and they just don't bother me as much.
They're definitely not the remediation that I used to have.
I am just a huge proponent of brain work.
It has changed my life so much and I am so grateful for it in the cortex.
Listen, you little wiseacre, I'm smart.
You're dumb.
I'm big, you're little.
I'm right.
You're wrong.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
Okay.
That's actually the exact opposite message that we would like to get on our podcast
today, but we thought we would give a little bit of nostalgia to start out the episode.
Does anybody remember that?
That is, of course, the iconic Danny DeVito in the movie Matilda.
And so today we're talking about parenting strategies for a cortex life.
Hint, hint what Danny DeVito does in the movie is the opposite of what we recommend.
So, Danny, let's talk a little bit about some insights that we want to share with everybody.
Yeah, that clip is so what the kids would say today, cringy, right?
I even watched that movie kind of recently with my kids and I was just heartbroken of
like, gosh, that's so sad.
And that is what we're here to do is dispel all of the parenting things that we think
and thought we should be doing and how we want to bring it to you in a way that helps
you understand where the brain's at.
So you can create this nurtured and amazing connection with your child.
So you really are a team and able to move through all the challenges that life brings
us with more ease, more laughter, more fun, more understanding and just really helping
our kids get to that place of feeling respected because they are individuals.
It does not matter how old anyone is.
We should respect even the tiniest little babies that are still in utero or even before
they're born to adults, right?
That is the key to having a very cohesive society and also teaching them the path
to independence and helping them to become independent and not codependent on us for
the rest of their lives and then really bringing it all together and how the world works.
And we mentioned this many times.
The world is working in kind of a wonky way these days.
And we want to create a society in a world where we're living in our cortex, where we
are able to see the challenge for what it is and not become emotionally triggered and
spiral out of control, creating fights and then just feeling completely helpless and
in despair of what am I even doing here?
So today we're going to be breaking it down, giving you actual strategies on how to help
the brain, how to help parenting, how to become a team coming from a place regulated.
And I honestly can tell you, I have a four year old and a seven year old.
I've told you time and time again.
And parenting is one of the most challenging adventures you will go on because it strips
you of your everything, your rest.
Parenting takes you down to a really challenging place in your own life because you
can't, you know, not show up.
You are tired, you are working so hard and you're doing all the things and your kids
have their demands and they're putting them on you.
And so it's just challenging, right?
So we say this all the time.
You cannot parent from a dysregulated space and expect the harmony.
So really, this is to parents putting that spotlight on you, making sure you're doing
the work.
We always say that, please do our program first before you want to engage in the following.
But if you're like, hey, I'm not ready yet, we also understand that and we honor your
journey.
So we're going to give you some tips and we're going to break them down for you and
hope you can start applying them and see how they work for you at home.
Yeah.
And let's talk about kind of going back to the Danny DeVito.
Danny DeVito, I love your work.
Because I said so kind of mentality that is very common or I think maybe used to be
very common.
I don't know that much about current parenting trends.
I think you know a lot more about this, Danny, obviously.
I'm going to say it's common.
Okay, it is.
Okay.
I feel like it's kind of like a very outdated way of looking at things.
But I know that, I mean, it is, of course, a lot of people are making the shift and that's
why they're listening to this podcast probably, right?
So what is wrong?
Like what is the problem or the issue with saying, because I said so, go get your shoes,
get in the car because I said so.
Eat your dinner right now because I said so.
Time to go to bed because I said so.
I think so many people grew up with that.
And why do you think that is harmful?
The very first part of it is it's triggering that survival brain.
And so anytime a demand comes at a brain, it's going to immediately respond with a
fight or flight or freeze or fawn reaction.
And that is if that brain is in very underdeveloped space.
And so I mentioned this in the last podcast.
Little Danny was always in survival mode.
So I was already in that hyper state of everything being a threat.
So if someone came at me and demanded something from me, I immediately would have
had one of those four responses because that was how my brain was wired.
Now, so if you have a brain that's already prone to being in that fight or flight
space, which most brains are today, then you're going to immediately shut down
that brain and we're going to already have what we call a pawn's moment where
you're just, there's nothing rational going on.
The second part of that is then tapping into all the subconscious beliefs.
And then it's giving that.
And that's where we talked about the respect.
And we want to make sure children feel respected because if you feel respected
as a child, you're going to feel respected as an adult.
And then your life will emulate that.
And so if you don't feel like you have a voice, if you're not seen, if you're not
heard, if you don't have any power in a healthy way, power, then that's going to
be a reflection of the rest of your life and you're going to be doing behaviors
that are really showing how you weren't given that as a child.
So that's why those two main points are really damaging to come at it from the
I said so perspective.
And most parents, we know this, right?
Paloma, why do parents go there?
They're dysregulated.
And yeah, they're tired.
They're over exhausted.
They got so much going on.
And that's also something that I think we forgot to say at the beginning of the
podcast, we say this every single podcast, no judgment, you know, like I haven't
been there and I've shared this before.
I got to think really long and hard before I even consider having children
because I know it's really, really, really challenging.
But Danny, you've been there so many times where you do go to them because I
said so, right?
And so that's kind of my next question to add on to that is when is it okay?
Because sometimes there is that moment and I've seen this so many times that
there's so many times with my students, with my friends who have kids where you
do have to get somewhere or you have to have to do something, right?
So there is a moment where like, because I said so is okay, right?
How would you frame it in a way that's not going to be triggering the pawns and
that's not going to be also damaging the parent and whatever they're trying to
do in that day or that night or whatever.
Yeah.
And really quick, I want to put a quick note in there for you Paloma, because
honestly, being able to say, I don't know if I'm ready to have kids is one of
like the most courageous and bravest things a person can say into this world.
It feels like because everybody's having kids because that's just what we do,
right?
Especially this age, yeah.
Yeah.
And especially to be like, I don't know if it's for me because to even do that is
already taking that step of saying, I don't know if I'm able to hold space for
somebody else and think about all those cycles, then you're already breaking
because so many people have kids.
I've had parents come to me and say, I wish I didn't have kids.
And I was like, but you do.
And you need to step into it because there's lives depending on it.
So that was a quick little plug for all the people out there who are listening
and they're like, I don't know if I want to have kids.
If you're even questioning it now at this point, then don't.
You know, there's no pressure.
Again, remove what society thinks.
So going to the question, when I get to that point where I have, and we're
going to talk about the strategies in a minute and I've done all the strategies
and then my children are still pushing.
And we're in an environment where I don't have the time to give them the
full explanation of what needs to happen.
And it could be a safety thing like, hey, we're about to cross the street.
Give me your hand because we need to cross the street.
There's not a lot of time.
That's when I say, because I said so, it's a safety thing.
Or if it's like, you know, a health well-being situation, that's when it's,
I said so, I need you to trust me.
And but it's coming from a place where I am regulated and I have already built
that trust muscle between us.
That's what I was going to say.
And they know that they can trust me to surrender because that's ultimately,
when a parent is in control, that's the goal, right?
They're in control.
They're the guide.
And it means that they're able to help that other person who doesn't have all
the tools yet to understand what's going on in the situation.
When a child is able to do whatever they want, it is actually the scariest thing
for a kid because they go, oh, no, I'm in control.
Wait, wait, wait, this isn't how it's supposed to go.
And then that turns into other things down the road where you're like, I had
to parent myself and I am lost and all that, all this stuff.
So this is where we say, that's the time the situation is calling for it.
You need to get out.
We can share examples of this, you know, health, safety, that sort of thing needs
to be, you know, because I said so, I'm your parent.
That's what I do.
Absolutely.
And I think there are moments that I've noticed with you and your family.
And obviously I keep coming back to this because of course I'm very close
and I've seen you guys, other way you guys operate.
I think there's moments where you also go back and you're like, Hey, do you guys
remember what happened earlier when we talked about this?
And maybe you weren't totally super listening to me.
And I had to get really stern and say, because I said so and tell you really,
right now we have to do this thing.
Let's talk about it.
Here's why that happened.
And here's how we can do it next time so that we don't get to that point, right?
Because at the same time, it's always important to keep in mind that they
are still kids and they are still going to have those moments of dysregulation.
And again, we've talked about this before, the expectation for kids is so high
that they always have to listen the first time, do everything they're told, all these
things.
And sometimes they're just not ready for it.
And that's when the parent is able to say, okay, this is not the moment to
teach lessons.
This is the moment to get out of danger, to get out of the situation, to get to
the next situation that is going to be more positive.
So listen to me right now.
And then if necessary, you can go back and talk about it, right?
Once they're in a moment in a space where they can listen and where you're in a
space that you can actually talk about it.
Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you said that.
That is like going back to when you're in the cortex.
That's the only thing that can happen, right?
Is we are all now calm, we're no longer in whatever threatening situation we
might have been in.
And now we can reflect.
And that's what life is, is it's constant reflection.
Hey, how did you do here?
What would you like to do differently in the future?
And I do this with my kids so much and we have such a constant forward
momentum of growth.
And that doesn't mean we relive things that are challenging because, right?
And I've been very open and honest, like my son has, you know, really
challenged with separation anxiety and building that trust up of, you know,
are you going to be there for me, mom?
Because he's got an abandonment wound from, you know, when I was nursing and
all the things going on with that and I've talked about that another podcast.
So that's something that's still coming up and then my ex husband and I
got into a divorce.
So that was another moment of like, wait, can I trust how you're
going to handle the situation?
So it's constantly needing to keep looking at something, you know,
whatever the situation's calling for and then knowing how you do keep
breaking it down and keep reflecting and keep growing.
And this is what we do.
So we talk about this all the time.
We've talked about money.
We've talked about relationships.
We talked about all of our own core wounds from childhood and we might hit
one point of it, but then there's an, that's the umbrella.
And then there's so much more to the onion, right?
Where you have to peel back more layers of how do you get deeper into that route?
And again, I wouldn't talk to my four year old the same way I talked to
my step girls that are 15 and 17, right?
Exactly.
I obviously have to cater that conversation to help them make sense of it.
And when she was two, you weren't talking to her the way you talk to her now.
Right.
But I, so I've always, always talked to kids as they are humans, not like,
oh, you cute little baby, you know, and like talk down to them.
I've always been a person who's just talked to a child or a baby for life,
what, for what it really is.
And so I do that for all kids and it's amazing when kids see you, like they
see that and they light up and they're like, oh my gosh, they see me, they get me.
So that's our other thing is try talking to kids in a way like they're a human
and they understand so much more than we give them credit for.
Yeah.
They understand so much more than you can get, you give them credit for
than anybody gives them credit for.
And they'll surprise you when you don't even know that they picked up certain things.
And, and, and of course, it's the same thing.
Go back to when you were a kid.
Right.
You understood a lot more things than your parents probably gave you credit for.
Even if they weren't direct, right?
Like I could, I could tell them my parents were going through some rocky times,
even though nobody told me anything.
I knew it.
I just could feel it.
Right.
And so they were acting like, oh yeah, everything's great.
We're fine, blah, blah.
And you're like, okay, I might not have understood that at the point.
I'm when I was younger, I might not have understood what that meant.
But part of me understood that something was disconnected there.
On a percent.
So, and that's exactly what I do with my kids is I don't give them all
the details of all the fights and arguments and all the things that have happened with me and their dad.
But I give them the understanding that we just, you know, it's okay if humans go different directions.
And we have to embrace that we all are just trying to do the best we can.
And it's okay.
Let's have some grace.
And so this is another big part of what we want to share for parents is that if there is any ego involved in parenting thinking that you're the best parents.
The best parent in the entire world.
Our podcast and program are probably not a good for you.
Our number one thing is being vulnerable and authentic here.
And Paloma and I own our stuff all the time, very publicly, that we have so much we're working through.
And we are humans.
We are not above anything.
But the one thing that I will always say is that I mess up all the time.
I tell this to my kids too.
I am messing up too.
This is the first time I've ever been a parent.
So this is a learning curve for me.
And but when you're a parent who thinks that and people always come up to us and they say, oh, but we're fine, right?
Like, you know, we're fine.
We're doing okay.
Right.
And I'm like, hey, everyone has room for improvement.
Not ever not anyone has it figured out.
So check yourself now.
And just notice how are you feeling about taking on different tactics and how is that coming through to you?
Do you feel challenged in your parenting?
Do you feel like it's hitting a core of like you're not enough as a parent?
Those are all signs that there's definitely some subconscious in there that is coming through and kind of going to start to
maybe make you fall into that Danny DeVito role a little bit where you're just like, because I said so, stop questioning me.
Right.
And that's the number one thing.
Once you become regulated and you start looking at your own patterns, then you can start stepping into being the parent you really want to be.
And that's kind of newer for me because we've been doing our program now for seven weeks.
And I am just like, oh my gosh, Paloma, Siggi started to have like a meltdown a little bit, but I didn't go into the whole thing of
I'm so tired right now.
Can you just get it together and just like, let's get through this and get our jammies on and go to bed.
I was like last night, whether you're taking me to your bed and you're like, go to sleep and they're like, okay.
And they just listened and I was like, wow, because I'm coming from a different place.
I'm actually like blown away sometimes we pinch ourselves all the time.
Like, oh, this stuff is like really powerful.
It really works every time and we laugh about it because we're like, we love and believe it.
We're so passionate about it and then we live it and we're like, holy cow, look at all these changes.
So it's so easy to forget about your own tools.
Oh my gosh.
So easy.
And we always think we have even you and I put this pressure on ourselves where we're like, we should.
What's that saying?
You don't should all over yourself.
Like we should be this regulated.
We should be like this all the time.
And I think that's also what comes up for certain parents.
I mean, people in general, when they're starting to question, they're like, okay, I'm gonna go to bed.
Their behaviors and their attitudes in the world.
You're like, well, I shouldn't have that attitude.
I shouldn't feel that way.
I shouldn't act this way.
I shouldn't be questioning myself.
So why is my little kid questioning me?
Once again, expectations.
Like let go of the expectations and let's stop shooting all over ourselves, please.
Because honestly, the best thing is when you start to truly be yourself and be like, oh,
okay, you will discover so much about yourself.
We discover things every single day and our members do too.
Every day.
And as you just said that, I was like, wow, I just should have all over myself yesterday
when I was like, why am I crying right now?
I should be past all of these emotions.
Hello, you're a human, right?
So, you know, and that's where we say this is a journey.
We are a lifestyle brand where we say this is a way of life.
Every morning I am up with my kids doing my brain work.
We set ourselves up.
They know the drill now.
It's just what we do to set ourselves up to have an easier, more flowy day where we can just laugh
more, connect more, and just be more present.
It's literally what every parent I think is looking for.
Absolutely.
Let's get into some of the ways of how we know the brain processes, the information for what it is,
and keeps the brain in the cortex.
That's the goal here.
Stay in the cortex because that's where the magic happens.
That's where you can keep moving forward through any challenge.
So the first one.
I will say before going forward, we shouldn't fear the pawns.
We shouldn't fear the moments of, you know, the dysregulation because it's also normal.
It's more understanding when is the right, it's more about timing.
When is the right timing?
When is, when am I feeling it?
When is my kid ready to process this information?
Because if we start to fear the pawns and we start to fear the dysregulation, then
they're going to feel like there's something wrong with having feelings and we don't want that.
So it's important to keep that in mind, right?
I love that.
I just had another aha with that and I'm like, oh yeah, embrace all of it, right?
But it is a moment where you can, we've say this all the time, like I'm totally in my pawns right now.
I totally forgot about this meeting and it just triggered all this and I'm blah, blah, blah.
But it's happening.
Like I honestly, I'm like, I don't actually feel like I'm fully in my pawns where I'm in
survival reaction mode really at all anymore.
I feel like I'm in emotional mode where I'm like, I feel this, this is an emotion.
I feel sad and that's okay.
So yes, you're totally right.
We do want your pawns to still lie dormant.
So if you have a true survival situation, you're like the Saber II Tiger coming down the street.
The famous story.
My favorite story.
No, it's more like, hey, this just happened.
You know, you need to be able to react in a manner that's going to keep everyone alive.
But you don't want that to be happening when your child says, hey, Mom, why is this the way it is?
And you're like, big eyes, and you're screaming at them.
There are very first and number one tip is asking questions and asking questions.
This is also something to keep in mind when we're sharing all these tips.
It's an art.
We don't just expect you just to have it down and it's done and there's a black and white way to do this.
So yes, really knowing your child, knowing your style and really finding a rhythm that works for all of you
to keep you in that space of being able to ask a question that keeps your brain in the cortex.
So an interrogative question, did you do your homework, is not going to keep you in your cortex
because that feels like a threat.
That feels like I'm lying.
That feels like you don't trust me.
There is a lot of undercurrent there.
But asking questions like, hmm, did I ask you to go do your homework?
Did I ask you to go put ice cream on the walls?
I don't know.
That's asking questions where did I ask you to do this or this?
That's helping the brain tune into two options.
It's also giving it in a really light way.
And it's also keeping everybody in the cortex.
And I just threw a novelty, which is our next point, which is saying something that's completely off the wall.
Because you cannot be in survival mode when you're answering a question
because your brain automatically kicks it into the cortex.
It has to process it there.
You cannot be sitting and thinking in survival mode.
And then also novelty.
You know, that's something that's a very cortex function.
Being able to see things in a really creative imaginative way.
It's again, going to bring that information to the cortex, keeping that child engaged in whatever you're talking about.
Sometimes when you've lost your kids like too far, and this just happened at soccer the other day,
a kid got kicked in the face.
And I tried one of my novelty approaches on him.
It wasn't going in.
He was already too far into his pants where he's like,
I don't think you asking me if my belly button fell off was funny.
He's like, this really hurts.
Thanks, Danny.
He's like, Mom.
And I was like, all right.
So sometimes you have to be like, hey, I'm trying things out.
Sometimes they hit.
Sometimes they don't.
And that's where you sting in your cortex allows you to keep coming up with ideas on how do you keep engaging that cortex.
Another great novelty approach is by whispering.
Whispering is like everyone knows that when someone starts whispering, they're like, oh, they're saying something I can't hear.
And I shouldn't hear it.
And so they just tune in and they're like, uh, huh, got it.
So oftentimes I'll advise parents go just in like ear shot, but then whisper and do it in a way where like you're really like, gosh,
I'm really hoping that Johnny knows that he has to go clean his room right now before we can go have ice cream for dessert or something.
I don't know why I have ice cream on the brain.
But, um, I'm hungry.
Yeah.
Um, and so that's where he, Johnny's like, oh, I should go clean my room.
So we're not directly talking to him.
He thinks he's overhearing something he shouldn't hear that's engaging the cortex to tune in.
And that's a great way again to get that cortex online.
And that actually made me think of this author.
I can't remember the name.
When teenagers have received a lot of messaging about their behavior.
When, when their kids teens, preteens, all those developmental stages, when they've received the messaging from their parents, I have such an amazing kid.
I have such a responsible child.
My child is so loving and all of these positive messages, they are more likely to kind of stay on the track.
Let's say that we want them to be on in adolescence and early adulthood, which is when a lot of people kind of stray from the path that parents thought they were on or that they might want to
keep their children on in terms of having a happy and fulfilled life.
And I don't remember where this study was done, but we can look it up and it was really, really interesting.
And this is another great way of saying, of doing that, right?
Even when maybe this is not something you're going to do when the kid is about to have a tantrum or a meltdown.
It's more of like a positive reinforcement technique and you can act like you're talking to maybe your spouse or like talking on the phone saying, yeah, you know, I just have axles amazing.
And he's just been doing all of his brain work.
He's cleaning up his room.
I'm just so, so proud of him.
Then making sure that you're that they're hearing these messages without you always telling them directly.
You are amazing.
You are so great because sometimes they need to feel like it's that social proof, right?
It's like as if you're talking about it with somebody else that makes it even more valuable.
Oh, I love that.
I'm so glad you brought that up.
And really quick to note during that adolescence, that's actually when the brain is going through a massive pruning process where it is now priming itself to say,
you know what?
I don't need you parents.
I actually can take this on myself.
And that's where all of a sudden these teens make those not so cortex choices because they're actually flexing that muscle to say, I'm independent.
I can go on to the world.
Watch me because that's really exactly in time.
That's when that truly when kids are moving out and going to, you know, adventure and meet other people.
And so that's a big part of when us humans are designed to do that.
So if you're like, why does my teenager make those do those things?
It's because that's what their brains designed to do.
But really important, our brain is not fully developed until we are 26 years old.
And that's why we always say, don't do anything life changing until after 26.
And of course, actually some studies have said 29.
Oh, it's getting later now.
I believe it is.
Honestly, the science is still out on that one.
But yeah, just hold space for those ages and look for yourself and also patch yourself on the back because we were doing the best we could.
Let's just say that.
So, okay.
So asking questions and novelty, you know, not talking directly at them, but making sure they're an air shot.
Another great tip is making sure that your child, if you really want them to hear something,
you're sitting in front of them.
You have tactile input.
That means you maybe have some nice proprioception.
You're putting your hands on their shoulders.
You're giving them a bear hug, whatever you're in front of them and you're telling them whatever it is that you need them to hear.
And then after you do that, the next tip, after you've done those, the first one asking questions or the third one,
I just mentioned of a child in front of you, ask them back what they heard.
So now you know if they're processing what we're talking about.
So, so cool.
I love that chat we just had.
Could you go ahead and tell me back what you just heard?
And that way now we're all on the same page.
Now you can actually hold them accountable for whatever it is that just went down.
And I usually give like points like I with my son, I have like talking points.
So maybe I give them like three step instructions or three different things I need them to do.
And I have, I put my fingers out and count with them.
So I just went through those three steps.
You're not going to now go haywire and go to something we didn't mention, right?
Okay, cool.
We got it.
And when kids are writing age, you can also have them write it down because writing things, putting pen to paper helps your brain really solidify what's what it's thinking about and what it's processing.
Oh, I love that for teenagers.
I have been doing that with the teenagers now we put it on paper and we both like sign off on it.
Like, yes, we have now have a binding contract that we all have agreed on and we negotiated it to where we're all comfortable.
We heard your opinion.
We heard your voice and we just did this the other day and like, and I print out their daily brainwork schedules and then I add on all the other things that we need to have covered for the week.
We talk about it.
It's up on the bulletin board.
So yeah, it's a great tool.
And maybe now that you say that, I should have them write it instead of me.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
Yeah, because it's like putting pen to paper.
Well, that's why we have our members sign that right and sign that commitment text.
It's such it sounds like such a silly thing, but it really does help your brain process that message much more profoundly.
And it's more likely that this message is actually going to stick in the brain than if you just say it, you know, especially nowadays because there's so much information going in and out of the brain.
That saying something's like, okay, it's in one ear at the other or like never even in the ears.
It just went out your mouth and like out into the ether, you know.
So my next strategy that I use, I mean, I use all of these, but this is one that as we are in my favorite time to use this is usually in the transition period.
So we just get picked up from school or I just got picked the kids were relieving soccer practice.
We're heading home.
Now we're going to set the expectation they're in their car seats or whatever.
You're all in a car together.
This is the time you have a captive audience.
Everyone's on board.
Okay, guys, we're about to go into the house.
What do we need to do before this time?
And it's usually like right around that crunch time of getting ready for bed, you know, you got to eat dinner, take showers, jammies on, brush teeth, bed.
So then I rattle off what are the expectations, right?
So we talk about what the to-dos are.
And then I talk about how are we going to handle sitting at the table?
And this is where our brain stuff comes in because we're always like, we never want to force kids to sit.
So maybe you know your child, they don't need to sit all the time.
Maybe you've agreed on standing at the table while you have to figure out what's comfortable for you.
And as you've learned more about the brain and how it's processing, not everyone can sit still.
And so that's where we come in and we help support that process.
So anyways, talk about the expectation is, are they allowed to be eating food around the house?
Are they allowed to be eating food around the house?
Are they going to be playing when it's time to eat dinner?
Every time I set the expectation and I ask them back what is expected of them, we have effortless moments.
And then anytime I forget it, I go, oh, that's good feedback.
I forgot to set you guys up.
And that doesn't mean I have to do that for the rest of their life.
But then they start to create that habit of, hey, I'm about to walk into a new transition moment.
What do I need to accomplish here?
How many times do us adults walk into the house and go, what was I here to do?
Right?
Because we didn't plan ahead.
We didn't think in our minds, I'm here to go do this, this, this, and this.
And before I was organizing my brain, I was using my fiance as my executive functioner.
And he would literally walk in and be like, Danny, sit down, track, you're doing da-da-da-da.
And I was like, oh my gosh, why am I not doing this on my own?
It's a brain function, right?
The brain function.
And also, you can make it like a cute thing and name it something, like a team meeting.
Let's have our team meeting and kids love that kind of stuff because it makes them feel that team feeling again, right?
Like we're all in this together.
And helping them do that, like you said, Danny is going to help them also do this automatically when they're adults.
And then bring this to, it's a really good skill to have in your life in general at any age.
100%.
So the final and last tip here that we have just is model to them obviously what you want them to see.
So if you want them to have a clean room, is your room clean?
Like something so simple, right?
Those are the moments where people actually go, oh my gosh, it's actually not, right?
I'm telling them to clean their room and mine's not clean.
So that's the obvious one.
And now we said it was an art.
So sometimes when you could date that modeling, you could even model back the behavior that they're giving you, but be careful here.
Because if we're too far in our ponds, meaning we're already down into that place of irrational thinking, if you do anything that's modeling back like the whining, the crying or whatever they're doing,
you're going to trigger that ponds and to go to full fledged ponds mode.
And then also it then comes through a shame and mocking.
And so we want to make sure that we're not doing that.
And I just did this with my daughter the other day, but I was able to see so calm and regulated.
And they were sitting at the counter and they were asking for all these things to eat.
And then they're like, oh, no, I don't want that.
And then I was like, just randomly just came to me.
I was like, what if I looked at you guys and just started like doing the same whining.
And then I set it up and then I said, would it look weird if mom walked around going, ew, that is so gross.
I cannot believe they just did that to me.
And you could just see their faces immediately shift and go, yeah, you're right.
That's pretty, pretty.
And then it turned into laughing because they were just like, no.
Well, you're right.
We are being kind of whiny.
And what is our favorite line poem and what do we always say?
Oh, we don't speak whinies here in the cortex.
Sorry guys.
The more you can bring these things into a funny, fun connection place, the better it's going to be because that's the truth is all of us have to work on stuff our whole life.
It's going to be more fun if you do it, if you take it more lightly.
We don't have to take these things too serious.
And then once again, you might want to go back and at nighttime go over it.
And then we're talking about earlier whining, you know, let's try to work on that.
Like maybe instead of whining, you can ask me things or you can ask me questions or we can talk about things beforehand or what's another way that we can communicate when you feel like you're not being heard.
Because usually that's whining.
It's coming from that or it's coming from a need that's not being met.
Like they're tired.
They're hungry there.
They've just done too much for the day.
Right.
So let's help them understand their own cues in their body too when their brain is still disorganized.
That's so true.
And this brings us to another point of when you are going back and doing the reflection part and when you are reflecting on yourself as a parent, because oftentimes as parents, we start going into correction mode and we're correcting behaviors.
Why?
You're making noises in the background.
It's actually annoying my brain.
I need you to stop.
And so when a kid feels like they're constantly corrected because your brain profile can't block out that noise, then it starts to create that tension.
Right.
So this is why we always say go work on your brain.
Go get to the place where these things you just can let them ride.
So we always want to make sure come back to what is the behavior you're correcting and why.
Why do you feel like that behavior needs attention and correction?
Okay. And as long as you're clear in your head, then that explanation to your child is going to be clear.
And we always bring it back to like very natural and logical things as to why that behavior you're doing is not going to ever serve you.
And so it could be as simple as like a slamming door.
Right.
My four year old she'll get upset sometimes and she'll run into a room and she'll slam a door.
Never in the world is slamming a door ever going to serve you.
I mean, unless you're obviously getting away from somebody and you need to let your life, but that's not what we're going for here.
Right. We're going for it. When you're upset, do you think slamming a door is going to help solve this challenge?
Right. So that's where we help her understand.
And so that's like a perfect example of like, Hey, if I can't trust you to, you know, regulate through this or help let me help you co-regulate.
Because my big thing with my four year old is she loves the co-regulation piece.
Every kid does, by the way, I just go up to her.
I see she's upset.
I hug her and I help her feel like, okay, thank you for that.
I'm like, okay, thank you for helping me regulate.
I've been doing this enough now where that moment takes now seconds for her to switch back into her cortex.
So I just give her a big hug.
I don't say anything and I just let her melt into me and she's like, okay, I'm safe.
I got this.
And then we come back and talk about slamming a door.
Hey, if I can't trust you to have a door on your, on the hinge and you're going to use it for what it's meant for, for privacy purposes, for, you know, what doors are meant for.
Then should we take it off the door so you don't have that urge to want to slam it?
And then she looks at you like, wait, in what world would you take a door off?
Like I've never seen a door taken off, you know, so it's engaging the novelty, but it's also giving a natural consequence of like, if you can't handle having the door and being respectful of it, then I'll just get rid of it for you.
It makes life easier, right?
And then she's like, now she's starting to hesitate and go, ooh, I don't think I actually want to do this.
So check in, where are you coming from when you put in a consequence?
Is it a Danny DeVito mode?
Or is it, we should just call it that for now instead of components like Danny DeVito mode.
Or is it because you're actually wanting them to understand how the world works.
And that's the connection mode of like, hey, I see you're upset right now.
It's okay to be angry.
We can help work through this, but you're not allowed to hit me or throw things at me.
And that's where that boundary needs to stay.
So if you're feeling tempted to throw things at me, I need to help you get to a place where it's safe for everybody.
So it's not a time out.
It's, hey, I'm going to put you somewhere where there's nothing that's going to harm you or me while you're calming down.
And hey, if you'll allow me to help you, I would be so happy to help you through this moment.
And with my kids in the beginning, there's no way they could have had that conversation when they were really triggered.
But now that they have so much more cortex online, I can have those conversations and we stay so much more rational.
And now they come up to me instead of getting upset.
They're like, mom, I need a hug.
I need a hug. Help me regulate.
And in those moments, they'll start to understand, okay, I'm feeling like I want to throw that water bottle.
I'm going to go over there and you'll see that happening.
And that's when it's really cool because they are on, nobody wants to be the person who's throwing water bottles and throwing things and all this, right?
And by the way, I think we should call it wormwood mode, not Danny DeVito because Danny DeVito is actually a cutie patootie.
But it's also understanding that they don't understand how to get from A to C.
You need to walk them from A to B and then from B to C and understand the connection, right?
So that's the whole point is understanding the why behind consequences.
That's it.
It's walking them through your logic of the throwing of the door of all these things because their little brains are not going to understand it yet, right?
That's what they're here for is to understand those kinds of messages and then understand what consequences mean in the real world when they're at school, when they're maybe out in the community and something happens.
That's when you can also talk about those situations.
And you can also say, you know, if this is also for things that happen in public, kids that maybe might have like a meltdown or a hard moment in, you know,
a hard moment in a grocery store and that's where you definitely need to remove them.
And then you can also say like, if this were an adult, they would also be removed because you have to learn how to regulate yourself before you're going into a society that we live in.
And that's the truth.
We live in a society and there are ways that you behave when you're with others out of respect for others as well as respect for yourself.
And so that's ultimately what they're going to end up learning.
That's so true.
And a really important thing, so being a parent is when so many times people think that your child is just that immediate representation of where you're at.
And so everyone blames the parents for the child's behavior.
And it is a two-way street here.
Like, yes, the child does have challenges.
And we talk about that about the underdeveloped brain and that's why they're having the meltdown in the store because they just heard no.
And now they're like, but I don't care about anything other than that toy and I will throw a full blow meltdown in the store.
And what happens to that parent you talked about with the parent that got on the plane with the baby in the last few episodes ago.
And what happens is then the parent can't hold their regulation because then they feel judged and they are now going to be shamed by society for not being able to control their child.
And we want to give such a different perspective that it's two parts to this process.
So every parent that comes in and says, I want to check my ego.
I know I have stuff to work on.
Oh my gosh, this is going to be such a great method for you because you're going to get to find out more about you.
You're going to be authentic.
You're going to be able to live in your cortex and be regulated.
And now you start to show your child how to do that as they also are on that same path.
So that's where the harmony, the synergy between the two really is a team.
If a parent can stay calm, that will help that child diffuse faster.
The great thing is we have all the tools and we always end it on this note, but it's true.
We have all the tools and we can get through whatever life throws at us.
That's why we have these tools and that's why our program is lifetime access.
You're always going to have them.
So with that in mind, thank you so much for joining us and let's talk about, you know, all the technical stuff.
So Instagram in the cortex underscore us.
Tiktok is in underscore the underscore cortex.
Facebook is in the cortex us.
Website is www.inthecortex.com.
Our email is hello at in the cortex.com.
Please keep emailing us.
We're getting so many great ideas from everybody and we really appreciate your support.
Thank you so much for being here.
Subscribe, share it with just one person.
Just share it with one person, a really good friend that's also a parent or that might be interested in this stuff.
You really, really help us so much by spreading the word.
You probably know this already, but our promo code is a Brainiac to get 10 bucks off your first payment.
Of our program.
So we will see you next time and thank you so much.
Thank you.