Hi and welcome to the in the cortex podcast. We are your hosts. I'm Paloma Garcia and I
am Danny Pericone and we're the founders of in the cortex, an online community with programs
that show people the tools that they need to change their lives, their brain reorganization,
no medication, just movement. When you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate
your nervous system, you start to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the cortex.
Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the cortex life. And now on to today's episode.
Let's start out with a quick cortex moment from one of our members.
Hi, my name is Sam. I'm a dad of two teenagers. Recently went through a pretty gnarly divorce
and found this program at the, I don't know, I'd say midpoint of the divorce. And wow, what
a life changer. I've recognized a lot of different changes in my life and my two teenage daughters
have noticed those changes as well. One of them is becoming a little bit calmer, just working
through things instead of, you know, snapping. It's just getting down to their level and
saying, Hey, how do we work through this? Or how come we're not doing this instead of
go clean your room? It just comes across a lot better. And they respect you differently,
especially when they're teenagers. You really need that, you know, to be able to get through
your hard days. I've also noticed that I've become a little bit more compassionate, being
able to see things differently, see my girls differently, see my fiance differently. And
just, you know, from a male's perspective, sometimes compassion isn't where you think
it is. And, you know, I'm much more aware of that. And communication, well, lots of different
things there. One thing I used to do is just walk right into their rooms and, you know,
what are you doing, checking up on them because their doors were shut. Now I knock on the
door real calmly instead of knock on it real loudly. Just knock on it, count backwards
from five and, but that's changed how our relationship is, is me seeing and hearing
them on what they're feeling. And I never really was aware of what other people would
feel in some cases of life. And I'm sure we could all relate to that. And it's just amazing
what this program has done for me. So I just want to say, you know, the ITC program is
fantastic. It just changes a lot of things. And it's changed so much in my life in the
short period of time of doing it that now my two teenage daughters just started doing
the program too, because they want to see some better changes in their lives.
All right. Welcome back to another episode of our podcast. Today we're talking all about
putting the spotlight on parents and why that is so important. And this is not to shame
anyone. We always want to start with that disclaimer. This is not about judging or shaming.
It's really about us giving our take on parenting from a brain perspective. And it's such an
important piece that Paloma and I feel like we're screaming from the rooftops that everyone
needs to get really on the floor and start working on their brains and regulating their
nervous systems, because we have so many parents that come to us that tell us, Hey, can you
please fix my child? They're experiencing this, this, and this. We've tried everything.
We've tried timeouts. We've tried motivation boards. We've tried mainstream therapy. We've
tried parenting courses. We've tried drop off programs. We're now medicating. And we're
not saying that any of that's inherently bad or not a great route to go. We just want to
share that there's something that needs to happen before you really get into that. And
that's where we talk about our approach, which is really a bottom up approach. And we're
going to share some more stuff in another episode on how you can really address that,
giving strategies and tips on how to approach parenting with the brain in mind. But today
is really starting with parents and putting that as the forefront of today's conversation.
And we're all about the bottom up approach with you and with your kids. And because the
neurological piece is so important, right? We look a lot at behaviors. We look a lot
at the way that we interact with others. Maybe we look at academics, speech, whatever it
might be. And we don't often look at what's going on underneath that, right? We look a
lot at the symptoms and not as much at the roots. And so that's why I add in the cortex
we help people get their brain where it needs to be neurologically, right? So if their primitive
brain is underdeveloped, that means that the nervous system is going to be dysregulated.
And so all of the approaches that Danny was mentioning before, that's why they're not
working is because at the core, the brain is still in that survival mode, in that nervous
system dysregulation, right? And so you might try all the different things that are top
down. And that's the reason they're not working because at a certain level, the brain is always
only thinking about survival. And so you might be able to operate sometimes a little bit
better than others. And that's why I'm sure a lot of you have heard the term scattered
efforts, right? Where sometimes things are really, really easy and you're like, okay,
cool, I'm in the flow. And sometimes you're like, why is everything so hard? And I mean,
we've all been there, right? And it always depends on what's going on in your life. Do
you have stressors? Are you feeling sick? Did you eat, right? There's so many different
things that can come up at the end of the day. The true way to actually make sure that
you're consistently able to process the way of the world around you from a logical perspective
is to give your brain that neurological support that it needs. And here's the thing, we're
really out of touch. I'm not a parent yet. Danny's a parent in our duo. And but we're
really out of touch in the way that we're asking kids to do things that a lot of the
time adults can't even do. Like how many times have we had that moment? I was just talking
about this with somebody on a call, that moment where you're like, sit down, calm down, stop
screaming, put on your shoes and get in the car. And the kids like, okay, sure, but you're
screaming and doing all the things you're telling me not to do. And I think every parent
has been there, right? I mean, I've seen it time and time again. I used to see it with
my mom. I've seen it with all the parents that I've worked with. And once again, we're not
blaming the parent. It's only happening because the dysregulated nervous system, the survival
brain, all the retained primitive reflexes, all the neurological stuff that we talk about,
it doesn't just happen in kids. If it happens in a kid, it's going to transfer into it adolescents
and adulthood, right? A kid with a disorganized brain becomes an adult with a disorganized
brain. And so that's why we want to really look at that today, right? Is, is first of
all changing those expectations. And second of all, changing the focus because the parent
is the one that's setting that stage for the kid. And I don't know if you've heard of nervous
system co-regulation, but that's the way that you or your nervous system starts to regulate
according to other nervous systems around you. And I know that sounds kind of strange,
but if you think about it, we are animals at the end of the day. That's why animals,
mammals, a lot of them travel in packs. That's why, you know, we are meant to be together
and be in a society and we do feed off of each other signals unconsciously, right? That's
our neuroception. That's our entire reception telling us what's going on inside of our body.
And that's stuff we're going to talk about in a different episode, but all of this is
to say that at a base level, we are created to regulate with each other. And so that's
why we say, okay, look at the parent first and then you can set the expectation for the
child because once again, you're asking your kid to listen the first time. And when's the
last time you actually listened the first time to something? Like, let's be honest, a
lot of us need 17,000 reminders to do one thing, right? So it's also about understanding
that kids are kids for a reason. And I do believe that in nowadays, like we really do have this,
this idea that kids have to act a certain way and be a certain way. And, you know, you've
got to sit up straight and listen to the teacher. And I think we talk about this every episode,
but it's true, right? Because it's not always neurologically possible for kids to do that.
And so we have these expectations that they're not meeting. And so it becomes a cycle, right?
So they're not meeting the expectation. And so they have to figure out compensations and
then the behaviors are going to come out and then they're going to get in trouble. And then
it's going to go way back to the beginning, right? So you start over again with the whole
cycle and it always has to do with what's going on in the brain and what's going on in
their central nervous system. So that's just one tiny piece of what we're talking about
today is like resetting the expectations. But of course we have to talk about a lot
of other pieces that are going in there. Yeah. And I just want to circle back to a couple
of things because I have these conversations all the time because I am in the throes of
parenting and I'm working with a four year old, a seven year old, a 15 year old and a
17 year old. So we really have the full gamut of, I mean, we don't have babies anymore. So
that's a little different. But we have like the true time of when parenting and consequences
and all the things need to come online and we really do need to be a united effort. So
I am working with my fiance for all four of the kids. And then we have the other parents
that are on the other side. So we really are experiencing quite a challenging meshing of
all the systems come in together. My whole technique on parenting really goes into what
we're about to discuss. How do we really parent with putting the oxygen mask on ourselves
first? And that is so important because I was, we're dysregulated and I would be that
parent that's like, everyone calm down. And I'm like, but I'm not being calm. I just
had this conversation with my fiance the other day and he was asking my son, like, you need
to listen first time every time. And I was like, do you listen first time every time?
And he looks at me, he's like, actually, no, I don't. And I was like, exactly. So it goes
back to what Paul was just saying is we cannot keep asking our kids to do something that
we are not doing. And the bigger piece is, is why are we doing that? We're doing it because
if we have order outside of ourselves, it helps us feel calm. And that's really going
back to again, us put the oxygen mask on. So as I've regulated my nervous system, I
was just not, and this is where in the cortex, our program comes on, where we regulate you,
you help to get yourself in a space of coming out of survival mode. So the little things
aren't show stopping anymore. The best part is, is it's automatic. So you put in the time
to do the brain work. And then the rest of the day just flows. All the things that used
to be challenging, like getting out the door, transitioning, remembering to do this, this
and this, listening just happen. And it happens effortlessly. You don't have to think your
way through it. You don't have to go come up with other ideas on how to do X, Y and
Z. It just happens. Your brain is lined up for it. And then at the same time, once you
are to survival mode, the attachment parenting, the gentle parenting, that's all these major
terms today become easy. And this is where the second half of our program dives into
the subconscious beliefs. And that's right in line with attachment and gentle parenting.
It's really about becoming a nurturing connection because you cannot be nurturing if you're
in survival mode. You're like, shoot, forget about you. I got to survive. I got to take
care of me. I got to feed me and help me forget about you guys. Right. And let's be honest,
parenting does take you to that extreme level sometimes because it's challenging. It's,
you know, you don't sleep all the time. And so then that's turning on that survival brain
or maybe you're not eating because you got to feed everybody else or you have to be
shuffling around to so many different extracurriculars that it's hard to have time to do it all.
Right. And again, we've talked about this before. We've lost the village. We really
are encouraging the village to come back to support raising humans. We cannot do it alone.
It's just, it's not how we were designed to be. And that's what Paloma just mentioned
with the mammals. We need to be a pack. So as we come out of survival mode, now we can
really start to dive into the nurturing connection. Right. Noticing that I need to give them
a secure and independent and empathetic connection. We also then dive into being more respectful
and conscious and positive because now we're capable. Our bandwidth has now grown and now
we're able to see our kids for the individuals that they are. And so much of our world today
is parents feel like our kids are an extension of us and, you know, they are at some level.
Right. But we really need to really see that our kids having a certain behavior like what
Paloma was mentioning when we're dysregulated doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It means
that brain is getting a need met. What is that need? And so if we can look at it from
a curious angle and see it as, Hey, what are they needing right now? Okay, maybe they feel
that they're not being heard and seen. That's why they're yelling. Let's break this down.
Let's figure out what the root of this is. And now we can go in and support them. And
at the same time that you're experiencing that with your child, it's going to stir up
stuff in you. And this happens to me all the time as I'm parenting. And we always tell
parents, once you start becoming like once you're a parent, your children are your greatest
teachers and they put the spotlight on you and they help you see what you have yet to
go work on in yourself. And you really can't escape it anymore. So you can hide from it
until you have kids and then you're like, Oh, I have to face this, or you don't, that's
up to you completely. But when your child's acting the way they are, then it might bring
up stuff within you. And then you're going to start reacting and responding a certain
way, unless you're regulated and unless you can really see those as two separate things
and tackle them for what they both need.
Yeah. And that's where we love to share the subconscious piece as well. The second six
modules are all dedicated to the subconscious piece. And this is really, really important
in the first seven years of life. Kids are in a brainwave state that's called theta,
which is kind of like a semi-hypnotic state. It's kind of like when you're about to fall
asleep or when you just wake up in the morning and you're still kind of in that hazy dream
world, but you're not fully awake yet. Or when you get into like a deep meditation,
that's when theta occurs. And in theta, what you're doing is you absorb a lot of information
into the subconscious. Usually the subconscious and the unconscious aren't really available
to us, right? In our day to day, they're guiding us 100% of the time, but they're not always
readily available for us to see. We operate with only 5% consciousness in our lives. So
we are only conscious of 5% of what's going on in our mind at any given time. Let that
sink in literally to your subconscious because that's a lot. I mean, 95% of what we do is
our subconscious programming. So in those first seven years of life, kids do have that
much easier access to subconscious. So that's where they're programming their views on the
world, the views about themselves, about work, about money, about love, about every single
thing because that's what they're here to do is to learn about the world in those first
years of life. So then when it's their turn to go and live their lives and be independent,
whatever, they already know what the world quote unquote is about. The issue is that
a lot of the time our subconscious beliefs are shaped in not the most positive way. So
we all have subconscious beliefs that are very, very positive and some of them that are very,
very negative. And so they're holding us back without us even noticing. And that's another
piece that Danny's talking about when kids are mirroring things back to you. A lot of
the time what they're mirroring is that subconscious belief and the brain always wants to confirm
what it always already believes to be true. So it doesn't mean that it has it's not true.
It's not true. It's not an objective truth because truly nothing is objectively true.
And that's a whole different subject, but it's not objectively true, but your brain
believes it to be true. So your brain is going to look for clues that it is true all over
the place. And so that's another piece of our program where we really help people understand
that and reprogram it. And this is a lot of what Bruce Lipton says, right? It's like all
of his science is proving exactly this, the theta brain waves are that moment when you're
absorbing everything. And so it's important for two reasons. One is because your kids
are picking up on a lot of the things that you might not even notice. And Danny, this
happens to you all the time when like, Sigi will say something and you're like, whoa,
I did not realize she ever, you know, noticed that I said that or that I thought that, right?
And so they're picking up on things that parents have no idea.
Kind of scary.
It's scary, but it's also like, listen, nobody leaves childhood unscathed. We say this all
the time. And it's true. So also not, we want parents to not feel that guilt now for the
beliefs that you haven't even given your kids or you don't even know that you're giving
your kids because the truth is they're getting them for a reason. And the whole point of
this pro of our program is to give people the tools to say, okay, maybe my child or
I have some beliefs that are holding me back. Here are the tools that I can use to give
my brain the subconscious beliefs that are actually going to propel me forward rather
than hold me back. So that's the number one piece, but the other piece is something I
just said right now, actually, which is looking at your own beliefs, right? As a parent, if
you feel like you're getting that mirroring, if you feel like you're getting that pushback
from your kids, look at yourself first always. And we know this is not easy. And it's not
something you need to do in the moment, right? It's not like as you're being triggered, you're
like, I got to go look at my subconscious beliefs. But it is something that's important
for you to look at because that's truly the only way to create the lasting change is to
look at what's going on in your subconscious. Exactly. And just to highlight even more,
just to give that really like wow factor, the human brain can process over 11 million
bits of information every second, but the conscious mind can only handle 40 to 50 bits
of information a second. So it really puts into perspective that so much is happening
at such a subconscious level and it really requires such a thoughtful, introspective,
mindfulness approach to go, Hey, how am I coming across? How is my child hearing me?
And I have some good examples to share. And this is important that we cannot do that reflection
we cannot go there if we are in survival mode. And that was me 100%. It was really challenging
for me to get by because I'm tired. I've got a lot on my plate. I had this, this and this.
And until I really started committing my every single morning, wake up, do my brain work,
set myself up, then all of a sudden, everything just became so manageable. So for example,
if you're talking to somebody and you say, could be to a child, a friend, whoever, and
you come across pretty direct and maybe with a demand, if some would say, it's going to
immediately trigger that survival brain. So my son was riding around on his scooter.
He knows he needs to wear a helmet. So my fiance came up to him and just stopped him
on a scooter and was like, where's your helmet? Now, it wasn't coming from a space of like
true survival, but it was enough of a threat for him to then shut down and go into his
fight flight freeze mode. And I said to my fiance, said, there's a different way to help
keep the brain in the cortex. And it's about going about it in a really novel way. So so
much of us as adults, we're tired, we're stressed, we don't have the time to be able to really
spend on keeping, you know, everything in that novelty space. But it will save you so
much time. And if you've been doing your brain work, it's so much easier. So instead of saying
to him, where's your helmet? You could stop and kind of like jump out in a goofy way and
be like, hmm, I think there's something missing on your head. What do you think it is? Is
it a banana? Is it a shoe? And then they'll be like, Oh, it's my helmet. And so when you
ask it that way, you ask with novelty, you can only process that in your cortex. So that
was just a really fast way of connecting, nurturing, staying cortex. And then we did
still set the boundary that, Hey, you still need to wear your helmet when you go ride
your scooter. It took maybe an extra 30 seconds to a minute. But then it made everyone just
keep moving forward. And again, we're going to reiterate this a million times, you cannot
parent like that, you cannot take your deep breaths, you cannot go walk and do something
else if you don't have the bandwidth to do so. And then you just end up with fights at
home, you end up with pushback. I just witnessed some, there's so many things that I see in
society and I never want us to feel like we're judging other parents because I felt like
parenting is something that none of us really understand how to do until we're doing it.
And then we're all, I feel like there's a lot of moments where it's like on our heels,
like, Oh, I'm in so far. How do I get out of this?
Even now, when you know all this stuff about the brain, you've been working with kids for
however long and all 15 years. Yeah, all different. Oh, even longer because there's
a long way. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. And even now you're like, every week you have
like one thing where you're like, Oh my God, there's a new struggle. And it's coming from
a space of compassion. And it's really about, I would definitely agree that I think I was
a little bit more on the judge your side of life, like, Oh, you just need to do your
brain work. But now that I have kids and now that I live that life, it is so much more
than anyone can ever prepare you for because you don't know what you don't know. And so
now that I'm there, I'm like, Okay, I get where you're at. I can truly empathize with
your situation. And I really am not the place where I don't even hesitate anymore to walk
up to parents and say, Hey, I've got some tools that can help you. And it's not to make
you feel bad about yourself that you're doing a bad job. It's to really help you get out
of that space you're in because nobody likes that feeling. Nobody wants to feel like they
don't have options. Nobody wants to feel like they just said something that was really
shaming their child. And afterwards, like, I shouldn't have said that in front of everybody
that made them feel really horrible. I just heard a parent say this the other day at soccer
practice, they were like, Oh, look at everyone can see you crying. Do you want your friends
to see you cry? And I was like, Oh, God, so, like, because it's coming from the space of
no, this kid is hurting, he's not crying, because he's just crying to cry, he needs,
he has a need that needs to get met. So coming down and connecting with him and saying, Hmm,
I can see you're upset right now. How can I support you? What do you need? But again,
if you don't have the tools to get out of it, and you just feel like this is the never
ending and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, of course, you're going to resort
towards, you know, threats, empty threats, shame, and all the things that we think help
people learn, which actually does quite the opposite.
Right. And the parent in that moment is thinking, Okay, how do I get my kid motivated to not
do this? Right. So they're not thinking, Oh, I really want to shame this child. No, they're
always, they're trying to do the best that they can. They're like, Okay, I just want
to motivate my kids to stop crying. So how do I do this? But sometimes you just don't
know what else that's going to cause. Right. And that's the truth. And that's, that goes
back to kind of what we were saying a while ago about, you know, it's very easy to put
a label on somebody and to just look at the behavior and be like, that kid is a blank.
And adults too, we do this all the time where we listen, we look at people's behaviors and
we label them based on one thing, one part of their brain, one part of their personality
of whatever it is that they might be doing. And it's so easy to put a label on things.
And that's what our brain wants us to put labels on things. Right. Yeah. It makes everything
easier. Exactly. And then, and two, so as that parent is saying that thing to the child,
it's hitting that wound and that subconscious bleeper just talking about, there's something
wrong with me if I can't get my child to perform. And I have to tell you, since I was a division
one athlete in college and sports always came pretty natural for me, I'm watching my Sun
Play Sports and I have to walk away sometimes because I'm having those human moments of
like, oh my gosh, he's out there picking the grass instead of playing soccer. And then
I'm like, but I was an athlete, like why isn't it just genetically passed down to him? And
so this is where every moment of parenting have so many lessons involved and ingrained.
And this is where it takes a very conscious aware parent to take those lessons and turn
them into learning and growth versus there's something wrong with him. There's something
wrong with me. I'm never going to change. This is just who I am, like you just said.
And so this is where our approach, we don't, we don't ever want to say that this is the
only approach to go about parenting, but I'm living the life. I mean, we're in the throes
of a lot of the things happening with a four year old, seven year old, 15 year old, 17
year old. And we keep coming at it from a space of us in our cortex. We keep coming
at it from a space of what is that child needing? What, how can we support them? What's coming
up for us when we go into these next levels? Like, you know, is there shame on our end?
Are we feeling guilty? Did we not do enough? Are we, and trust me, going through a divorce
is the biggest guilt and shame experience you could ever experience as a parent. Cause
you're like, I ultimately just filled my kids. Like I took away their foundation and that
took a while to get over. I can say it now without crying, which is huge, but it took
me doing this deep work of like, why did I feel so much guilt? Why did I feel like I
ruined my kids? And we just want to really go into that space that we're all human. We're
all doing the best that we can. And then here are some tools to actually just level the
playing field to make it so you can look at your kids and yourself and say, Hey, we are
a team. It's not just cause I said so obey me for that control aspect. It's no, I actually
really want to help you learn and grow and be your most authentic and best self as you
become an adult.
Yeah. It's the biggest piece. And it's the base of that is really understanding that
we all deserve respect. We all deserve to feel worthy to feel like we're enough no matter
how old we are. Right. And this is something that you can start to instill in your children
from now. Right. And so if you look at your own brain development, if you look at what's
going on in yourself before, probably before having kids is ideal. But yeah, everybody
gets to it when they do. And once again, that's going back to like, there is no shame. And
I think that this is a big thing is that parents and I don't, somebody we talked to the other
day said this, like moms, every single mom always thinks that she's not doing enough.
Right.
This person was talking specifically about mothers and Danny was like, yeah, that's totally
it. I always feel like, I'm like, what do you mean you're not doing enough? You do at
like you homeschool your kids, they're with you all the time. So he's with you right now.
You like have so much like amazing, gentle parenting strategies that you use with them.
I've seen it. You give them all the tools and all the openness and all the space to
express themselves, be themselves and mess up and fix their problems. And you know, all
of these things and you're still like, yeah, I'm not really not doing enough. And so that's
a lot of what comes from just being a parent today is like, I feel like I'm under attack.
Like I feel like there's something wrong with me or somebody that's going to post something
on Instagram is always going to make me feel bad. Right. Or somebody's going to make a
comment at a dinner table is going to make me feel bad about my own parenting style.
And that's the biggest thing is like, it's not about making anybody feel that one thing
is right and the other thing is wrong. It's all about being able to find what works for
you. But the only way you can truly find what works for you is if you regulate your own
nervous system. Otherwise you might be using trauma responses. You might be using coping
mechanisms. You might be using compensations to get to you where you think you need to
be and serve where you really want and what you really need to become the best parent
you can be.
And you know what? As you're saying that, I was like, in the past six weeks, I have
not once said to myself or out loud, I'm not doing enough. And I've surrendered. And now
they were saying this, I'm having a projects moment. I have surrendered knowing I need
the village, right? I do homeschool my kids, but I did just find a pod that is absolutely
rad. But I have completely surrendered to my parents helping. And guess what they started
doing? Their brain work without me for over 13 years, I've been talking about brain work
and how it's the solution to everything. And now they're doing it. And now we have the
teenagers on board. They're doing it. Everyone's doing their brain work right now. And it's
quite amazing that I'm like, okay, now I can really go focus on me and I feel like I am
doing enough. So I haven't even had that thought for a really long time. I know that you've
said that that was a huge moment.
Yeah. And for anybody who hasn't been who hasn't been listening to the previous episodes,
me and I started doing our own program from the beginning again, six weeks ago, we're
on module six, we're doing one week per module. And oh my God, yeah, we've noticed so many
shifts and we love talking about this with everybody, but it's the little things that
just make life easier. I just telling this diploma yesterday, I totally just had this
moment where I just forgot about soccer practice and someone calls me like, Oh, aren't you
supposed to be at soccer? And I was like, Oh yeah, we should be at soccer right now. Danny,
before brain work would have been like, Oh yeah. And it'd been like a frantic fury to
get into the car. And I was like, okay, Axel, water bottle, shoes, Siggi, shoes, bathroom.
And then they went and did it. And it was just like calm. We got in the car and we were
early instead of being super late and we were just sitting there chilling. And I was like,
do you guys realize that we all just got in the car effortlessly and we didn't have like
any melt sounds, everyone just did what they needed to do. And we're here right now and
everyone's calm. And my son who's 70 goes, Yeah, mom, it's cause we did our brain work.
And I was like, that is right. And so now every time he sees dysregulation, he instead
of calling kids, you know, mean kids, whatever you want to call them or adults, he just goes,
Oh mom, they just need some brain work. And that is what so many kids start to see. And
they're like, if they just did a little bit of brain work, they wouldn't have to act that
way. And I'm like, I know, isn't that the truth?
Yeah. And we see it all the time with our friends and the people that we know, people
on the street. I mean, it truly is about that moment where I remember the other day, I think
it was at the movie, I think it was an airplane and you know, airplane babies, it's a whole
thing, it's a thing that everybody gets. But at the end of the day, like, you know what,
it's a baby, babies cry, darling, they just do. And so people getting mad at a baby crying
in my brain, in my mind, it makes no sense. I also love babies. And so I just, cause this
poor woman was just like, she felt so bad. I could tell she was like red sweating. And
we haven't even gotten onto the plane. It was like at the gate. And everybody was like,
and I just looked at her and I smiled and she was like, thank you. She was so cute.
I told you about this. It was when I was coming here or maybe, I don't know if I told you
about it. I was just like, he's a baby. And she was like, I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what do I do. And I was like, he's just a baby. It's fine. He's just a baby.
But it is that thing where you feel like all eyes are on you. And also like the truth is,
like if you look at it logically at a situation that is a baby crying on a plane or being,
having 20 minutes to get to soccer practice, what can you do? Right? You can, you're not
going to put a, you know, tape over the baby's mouth or like drug him so we'll go to sleep.
Right. So he stops crying. So what can you do? You can control how you respond to it.
Put on some headphones. And then that's the co-regulation.
So you say, I call myself, if everybody around me is calm, then I'll, I'll be more successful.
Like I'll feel better. Right? But he, but you can't control everybody else. So like if you,
and when you get to that place with brain work, cause you will get there where you literally
can block out what anybody else is projecting at you. And you can put up that invisible wall.
That's like, that's not my stuff. That's obviously you having issues with control. And guess what?
This is out of everyone's control. And if you stick home for your baby, your baby immediately feels it.
Absolutely. And so that's the thing is if she had been able to do that,
maybe the baby would have cried, maybe he wouldn't have, but she would have processed
the whole thing in a different way. And that's ultimately the whole thing. And that's the
book that we're reading with the Gabor Mate with the myth of normal. He talks about how trauma is,
can happen in any sort of situation, but trauma responses are what happened, the way that you
respond to the thing, not the thing that happened, the way that your brain and your body responded
to the situation. And that there's part of that that we can't control. If we have had trauma in
the past, if we had had stuff that happened, but now that you know the tools, you can start to set
your brain up for success in those situations. Ultimately, we, I mean, we always say the biggest
thing, right? But the biggest thing is to put the spotlight on yourself, because that's the only
person that's always going to be with you. Your entire life is you. And so let's just help you,
me, everybody, just help yourselves get to the point where you're able to process the world in
a way that's just easier for you. Yes. That is our dream and mission on this planet is to share
that it's possible. You do not need to turn your power over to anyone else. You can do it yourself
at home in less than 20 minutes a day. It is truly almost some people are like, what's the catch?
We're like, there literally is no catch other than your time. And you have lifetime access to the
program. By the way, lifetime access. It's so doable. And it's something that we think parents
need to do with their children. If you're in a relationship, if you're single, if you're just a
neighbor, if you're in your seventies, it doesn't matter how old or what's going on in your life.
Everyone has a brain and everyone can improve it and the way that they're processing the world.
So just hold space. I like hold that vision in my mind all the time. Like just imagine everyone
getting on the floor normalizing, creeping and crawling as a way to help yourself feel better.
People are just telling us it's so weird. Yeah, who cares? I don't care if I look weird and I feel
better. Yeah, that's, it's ultimately all I care about. So thank you for listening today. I think
we have so much more to unpack on parenting and the future episodes and we will continue to do so.
And please write to us and let us know. We have so many people asking us to do more episodes. So
if you've got an idea and you want us to share our brain perspective, we are happy to do so. And
here we go. Instagram in the cortex underscore us Facebook in the cortex us tick tock in underscore
the underscore cortex website, www.inthecortex.com email hello at in the cortex.com. And because
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so much for being with us. Bye. Bye.