What podcast reviewer 37 describes as an indiscriminate
hellish ride that I would not wish on my worst
enemy. The industry's elite have said time and
again, man, fuck those guys. Get ready, if your
ears had butts, they'd about to be fucked. Welcome
to the Butt Fuck Nowhere Show. What's going on,
everybody? My name's Josh. Welcome back to a
brand new episode of the BFN Show. Oh, it's been
a minute yet, even though it says it in the intro.
But maybe the AI clanker algorithm can't understand
it because it's in the intro. And there's music
playing. Maybe that, like, blocks it out. Is
this the first episode that we've done? No, we've
done another one. We did one last week. Talking
about, you know, or not last week, but earlier
a couple days ago. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, so
this is just now in the... We don't need to do
the, hey, we're back, and thanks, you know, blah,
blah, blah. Okay, cool. We can just get into
it. We can just get into it. So, anyways, I'm
Josh. We're here today with good buddy Adam.
Yeah, greetings. And so, Adam, the reason I've
called you here today for this impromptu episode.
Yes. And people will see that the title I've
titled this. Are you an NPC? And I know I'm not
an NPC. And now I've said in the past, I have
said that. if you don't shit yourself at least
twice a year you're a fucking npc yes i told
i told people this and they don't know what i'm
talking about i'm like it's true though if you
don't shit your pants at least once at least
once a year i mean minimum yeah if you don't
do it at least i mean because there are people
like me who prairie dog it like plenty of fucking
times and nearly shit myself and so i just wanted
to to confirm again Yesterday, I shit myself.
I mean, I shit myself. And I know I'm not an
NPC. Okay, can you explain why this idea that
you have about shitting yourself? means that
you're not an npc so think about this right npcs
everything's like pre -programmed it's like an
algorithm it's it's everything's going in with
how they their behavior is even down to shitting
right an npc is incapable of shitting themselves
it's just the programming won't allow it that's
my that's my theory because i'll always make
it to the bathroom and follow protocol and follow
the protocol because wiping Your ass takes a
lot less fucking memory bandwidth than cleaning
up a shitting yourself. So I fully believe that
the simulation does not fucking have enough bandwidth
to allow NPCs to shit themselves. So if you shit
your pants, you are not an NPC that you're a
real fucking person. You're a player character.
All right. In this simulation of life. It's my
theory. Yeah. Now, yesterday, let me tell you
about how I shit myself because this is a great
this is a great time. So we went to SeaWorld.
All right. Fucking I in the morning when we left,
it was like eight thirty in the morning. And
I'm like, man, I kind of have to take a shit.
Tried to take a shit. Nothing happening. I'm
like, all right, whatever. I could feel it brewing
all day. OK, I'm walking around. It's fucking
hot. We're in the sun. The sun's beating down
upon us. And I'm sweating. I'm drinking water.
I'm thinking, all right, whatever. I am fucking
up and I'm drinking like I'm drinking an icy.
I'm having some popcorn. So I'm not eating foods
that are conducive to being able to hold your
shit in. All right. So as we leave and everything's
good. All right, cool. We get in the car. We
drive back and we're driving home. And I'm like,
man, I really feel like I got to shit. Chloe
wants to get fucking chicken stars from fucking
Carl's. I'm like, oh, you know what? Even though
I feel like I have to shit. I'm still kind of
hungry. So like, let me get some Carl's Jr. So
what'd you get? Oh, I got a Western bacon cheeseburger.
There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. And then
I got this new, they have the sourdough star
or something like that. So I got that to try.
Uh, basically, uh, I got that. And then of course
I got Chris cut fries. Okay. Instead of the fucking
regular fries. Can't help it. You got to have
it with the house dressing, the house dressing.
Oh, and that, and that Western barbecue sauce.
Yep. Fucking straight deliciousness. So anyways,
So I'm in the middle of eating that. Okay. After
we got back home and I'm just like, oh yeah.
And I'm like, oh man, I just, I feel like I got
a fart. And dude, I fucking let out the fart.
And the second. I felt, you know how there's
like a bubble? Yeah, and you don't know if you
shit yourself? Oh no, I knew. I knew, I immediately
knew that there was shit coming out of my asshole.
But you ever have swamp ass? Oh yeah, I've had
that, yeah. And you're like, you're on the verge
of shitting yourself, but you don't know if it's
the swamp ass. Yeah, or if you shit yourself.
This one was not one of those. This one was,
oh, I definitely just shit my fucking pants.
I'm standing, and dude, it was so lucky that
I was wearing fucking boxer briefs, because it
held everything in. But anyways, so as I do that,
and then you know when you're trying to stop
it, but it's like, oh no, dude, the train has
left the station. This bubble, it's like a bubble
of diarrhea that was in front of a solid... three
and a half foot long turd and i don't know how
the diarrhea got there like i'm very confused
as to like what happened because i've been farting
all day i've been busting ass all day and man
it was great it was the nastiest because there
was literally a three foot log sitting inside
of my colon like waiting to come out where do
you think you went wrong though like as far as
the meal or the meals that you had in that day
well i definitely think i should have just not
ate anything I think eating, you really did fuck
it up. Like that's what caused this whole thing
to happen because I think with all the sugary
and like popcorn and all the shit that you get,
that's like food that's sitting out too, right?
It's not like you're not getting nothing fresh.
So like with that stuff, the diarrhea of that
stuff worked its way around because it's liquid.
It works its way around the colon and into the,
right up against the sphincter apparently. Yeah.
And that was, that fart was a bridge too far
and I just, I just, I straight, that whole bubble
of diarrhea just came right out of my asshole
and then what's crazy is like you can feel it
like once you let it go and then you're trying
to close your butthole and stop it it's still
coming like it's not like you're my sphincter
was shut and it's still squirting out of my fucking
asshole at a fucking magnificent rate okay it's
just fucking going going and I'm like all right
well okay so now I'm like I'm standing there
and I'm like fuck I have to, like, move to, like,
get upstairs to, like, wash my... I gotta go
take a shower. Like, there's no... So you're
like a cowboy? Yeah, basically. And so Katie
sees me walking up the stairs. And she's like,
where are you going? And why are you walking
like that? And, dude, I couldn't even think.
Like, I couldn't even talk. All I was like...
I was just like, ugh. And then she's like, what
is wrong with you? I was like, ugh. And I'm walking
up the stairs. And so then I had my phone so
that I text her. I'm like, I shit myself. and
she goes she sends me a laughing emoji because
I do this a lot where I do tell her like oh I
just shit myself and I go run upstairs like I
just fake around now I'm the boy who cried shit
himself and she didn't believe me she's like
she's like oh haha like laughing like it's funny
I'm like it's not funny and then she's I was
like I just shit myself and she's like oh whatever
and then I'm like dude I'm being fucking serious
and then she was like oh no and she still laughed
at me anyways but So then I get upstairs and
I'm like, all right. So I'm trying to I peel
off the shorts and I'm like, OK, there's no damage
to the shorts. It didn't leak through. That's
weird. So which which is very weird. The boxer
briefs contain the whole thing. They're not waterproof,
but I was wearing gray shorts, too. So, man,
it would have ruined those fucking shorts. So.
I take the shorts off, no damage. I'm like, cool.
Now, now I get in the shower and I'm like, all
right, let me try. I peel. And dude, it is a
fucking mudslide in there, dude. It is just fucking,
it is like this, you know, the farm dirt, like
how it's like that. It's like that light brown
color, but then it also looks like it's got little
white dots and chunks in it. That's what this
looked like. It looked like wet farm dirt, dude.
It just came right out of my ass. And it was
just all over the place. So then I'm like, great.
Also, at this time, I still have to shit. I'm
not done shitting. This was just like the preamble
to the shit that just leaked out or whatever.
So then I'm like, okay. I got shit all over my
ass, my nuts. It's like, it's all up in my dick
hole. Like, dude, it's everywhere. Yeah. And
so I'm like, God, I'm like a baby. Jesus Christ.
So then I'm like, okay, now I got to clean this
fucking up. That's like the toss up between wearing
boxer briefs and just wearing boxers. It's like,
if a situation like that happens, you obviously
get shit running down your leg. Yeah. And I've
had that happen like once or twice. Right. But
I think I would rather take that because you
can just wash it off and go in the shower. versus,
like, the boxer shorts that just makes the situation
worse because he... Well, now you're trailing
it. It just distributes everywhere. Because I
would have just dripped that immediately where
I was standing. It would have all came down.
And then I would have dragged a trail up the
stairs and into the fucking bathroom. Yeah. If
I would have been wearing regular boxers, I would
have just had to have gone outside with the hose.
Like, that would have been... Yeah, that actually
would have been a lot better. But this, I was
able to contain it to get into the shower. So
then I'm in the shower. I'm like, okay, now I'm
just thinking... So my next decision I have to
make is... Do I try and hose this off first,
or do I just go sit on the toilet to take the
shit? Because I'm like, if I go sit on the thing
on the toilet, I'm going to have to clean the
toilet. See, it's going to be a pain in the ass.
So then the decision was made for me because
my stomach was like, oh, you need to get this
shit out of you right fucking now. So I go sit
on the toilet, and I think I'm about to have
more fucking diarrhea. I think I'm about to just
piss out of my ass. Dude. This was the longest
fucking shit that I think I've ever fucking shit
out of my life. And I was like, how the fuck
did this turn? It was seriously like 18 inches
long. Like, I'm not even fucking with you. It
was all the way in. Well, it didn't. It was all
the way into the hole and it came up and it was
sticking out of like the water. All right. It
was fucking it was fat as shit, too. I was like,
Jesus Christ. So then, of course, like I did
that. I just cleaned out the toilet and then
I forgot to flush. So then I left it in there.
So then I'm in the shower. I'm clean. I'm. hosing
everything down take the underwear hose that
shit down clean it up so that it's like you know
i can just throw it in the washer and i'm not
gonna get shit chunks in my washer so like okay
i cleaned off all the shit okay get get cleaned
up go downstairs all right whatever so then i
forget to shit or i forget to flush it and i
forget about it and so then we come back upstairs
to go to bed in the keel a couple hours later
and katie goes to go to the bathroom she opens
up the toilet and just i just hear jesus christ
and i was like what and she's like did that come
out of you and i said yeah and she's like That's
the largest shit I think I've ever seen. And
I was like, yeah, I think it might be, you know,
I mean, that's kind of average for a Tuesday
for me. So like, you know, I mean, it's like
a normal shit. Yeah. But it was long as fuck.
It was crazy. And so anyways, so now I know and
have confirmed again, I've re -upped my confirmation
that I know I'm not an NPC, that I'm actually
like a player character in this fucking story
we call life. And hopefully I will just continue
to connect with people who are not NPCs also
shitting themselves. Now, I don't know. I don't
know if that's going to turn out to be good because
I may just be connecting and surrounding myself
with retards that just shit their pants all the
time, including myself. So, you know, this may
turn out to be a bad strat, but who knows? I
don't know. We'll see. We'll see what happens.
But yeah, that was the end of the story. That
was all I wanted to talk about was just shitting
myself yesterday and how it was. Honestly, it's
kind of liberating, you know, a little bit. I
really was like, man, I should just let this
log go in my pants as I was standing there. But
then I was like, nah, I don't know how long this
is going to be or big it's going to be. That
might be a problem. And yeah, if I would have
shit that straight on the floor, oh yeah, that
would have been a problem. That would have been
an 18 -inch log sitting on the floor. But yeah,
so anyways, that was it. You got anything you
want to talk about? No, I think that's plenty,
dude. That's plenty, plenty. Anyways, all right,
well, that'll be it. This is just a quick one.
Thank you guys for listening. And if you're not
an NPC, like and subscribe to the fucking stuff.
Yeah, drop a comment that says you shit yourself
in the past at least once. Yeah, to confirm you're
not a dirty clanker, all right? This has been
the butt fuck nowhere show. Thanks for listening.
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