What's up, everybody? Welcome to episode 6 of
the Almost Living Podcast. Hey! It has been over
a month since I have done the podcast, so hey.
Yeah, welcome, welcome. I'm also, I'm not doing
a recorded, like, video version this week. Because
I don't feel like it quite frankly. I don't feel
like it. So I'm just recording this no microphone
I'm just doing this literally on the voice memo
app in my phone And the unfortunate part is that
the audio is probably gonna sound better like
this There's definitely still gonna be some like
background noise, I mean it also is midnight
so like it's pretty quiet right now and y 'all
know I don't edit my shit so like whatever noise
is in here is gonna be in here but with the microphone
it's so cheap that there's just this weird like
uh I don't even know like there's this weird
like feedback and it's kind of like this like
reverberating like vibration almost that happens
I don't think that's gonna happen with me recording
with no microphone um I need to get a new mic
but I'm also like I'm broke, okay? I have so
many other things that I have to finance, which
is why this podcast is so low budget. Yeah, but
let's get into it. I missed, I missed you guys.
I missed this. I missed us. Yeah, life's been
lifing. Don't know it it just like it literally
was just like I looked up one day and I was like,
oh I haven't done that in a month. Like I was
doing really really well, but I Don't know. I
mean, I just kind of like as Y 'all know as I
talked about on the podcast, I think I was super
excited about Halloween and then right before
Halloween I just hit this wave of like Don't
care like I don't care about Halloween. I don't
care about literally anything Which was so unfortunate
because I was like, you know, whatever so I had
to lock in I just Yeah, you know sometimes you're
feeling a little sad and then it's like alright
well bitch there there's shit you got to do like
this is literally a holiday like Whatever. So
I clocked in I got on my shit. Um, I had a really
fun Halloween Halloween weekend, holo weekend.
It was really it was great. Honestly, like I
got to hang out with different groups of friends
like I Went out because Halloween was on a Friday
this year, which was awesome. I went out Friday
Saturday and Sunday, okay? Bitch I rallied I
partied And it was really fun. The first night
I was the Black Swan, which I talked about on
here, because I had to go thrift for that shit,
like the tutu and the wings and everything. Then
the second night I was a clown. And then the
third night, the third night I was not planning
on going out. I was literally at work on Saturday
closing. And I was like, I'm so like, just hung
over from going out two nights in a row. I was
like, I am so tired because I was also I was
running on. Three like three hours, like every
night, like Friday, I went out because that's
also the thing. Sorry, I'm like, I keep starting
sentences and not finishing them, but when I
drink. No matter what time I go to bed I wake
up early and I think it just I mean probably
obviously has something to do with just like
alcohol really fucking with your sleep I No matter
what without fail like this has just been me
since I started drinking in college like No matter
what time I go to bed. I'm up an atom at like
anywhere from 6 a .m. To like 9 usually So that
is really annoying because if I stay out super
late, I will, without fail, be up very early
the next morning and usually not able to go back
to bed until, like, if I take a nap or if I just
go to sleep that night. So anyways, went out
Friday night, was out late, and then I think,
no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I didn't work Saturday
morning. but i was up early i'm assuming did
whatever i did then saturday night i worked is
this right i think so saturday night i worked
and then went out that next night i don't i'm
trying to remember i don't even i don't remember
basically by the time It, we got around to Sunday.
I was closing that night. I was so prepared to
go to bed and like go home and go to bed, you
know, just like be done with the day and like
catch up on sleep. But my roommate texted me
cause we hadn't gotten an opportunity to go out
that weekend. Like I had hung out with other
friends, but she was like, do you want to go
out tonight? Like to close out the weekend? And
I was at work and I was like, you know what?
Like, let's just, why not? Genuinely, why not?
Because it's like, this is always my line of
thinking. It's like, one, I'm 23. I'm young and
I'm not getting any younger. Like, I, and I was
telling my best friend this actually, cause we
were talking, I don't even remember what we were
talking about, but like, there's gonna come a
point. in my life where i don't want to go out
at all or where i don't even have the the inkling
or like the thought because that's how i was
feeling after my two nights out for holo weekend
i was like i was like i could go out but like
i'm so tired but i was like i also do want to
kind of go out and just rally there's gonna be
a point in my life where i don't even have that
thought where i'm not even in the back of my
mind like hmm i could go out like there's gonna
come a point where i just Don't even care to
go out and so I need to literally soak this in
for as long as possible Because it's like I'm
23 also like bitch Halloween comes around once
a fucking year like I There is no other point
where I can go out to the club in full costume
and it be like not only socially acceptable,
but it's like other people are doing it. Like
I don't think we really appreciate that enough.
I was, it's so fun. It's so fun. I love Halloween
in New York. I do. I do. It's so whimsical. It's
just like literally you're on the train or you're
on the bus and like you got Marge Simpson to
your left. You got fucking Spider -Man to your
right. you got like some niche shit like I don't
know someone is like a like I don't know it's
just so fun but yeah long story short my roommate
texted me and was like do you want to go out
I was like yeah and then we did we went out and
I'm so proud of myself for rallying y 'all I
genuinely don't no that's not true I have gone
out multiple like three days plus in a row but
I was I was at a music festival. So it's like
you kind of have to like that's what you're there
for. But I think this that was the only time
in my just like day to day life that I had gone
out three nights in a row, like gone out, drank,
stayed out late, danced three nights in a row.
I'm proud. It took a lot out of me. It took a
lot. And I genuinely think like. I did not regain.
like awareness consciousness whatever until like
two weeks after holo weekend because i genuinely
just had to recover but it was really fun um
me and my roommate for on sunday we went to it
was like a little lounge they had they had some
djs there it was fun but it was a straight move
and like y 'all the straight men just are so
weird like i felt just like literally a piece
of meat like genuinely and it's like I'm going
to the club you know I'm not going to Sunday
service like I am obviously dressed scantily
clad I'm wearing club attire like I'm I'm having
fun and it's not I'm not trying to impress anyone
I'm not trying to do anything I just look good
I feel good I'm young like when else do you get
to just like wear no clothes? But we're out of
this club and literally we're walking by men
and they're like caressing my elbow and like
rubbing my arm and like it's just so fucking
weird. Also this night I was dressed up as a
cat right? I had my cat ears and also like like
I said I was not planning on going out so it
was a very like last minute, like I literally
was just wearing cat ears and I did like cat
makeup, but I had just like a regular dress on
like boots, whatever. The amount of men that
were like, what are you dressed as? And I literally
had to sit there and be like, um, I'm a cat.
Like genuinely, what else would I be? I have
fucking cat ears and I have spots on my face.
Like what? I understand you're trying to make
conversation, but like, please. and then I say
I'm a cat and they're like one man literally
who was probably like 45 was like he kept calling
me kitty cat after I said I was a cat he was
like okay kitty cat barf I'm literally gonna
throw up literally really gonna throw up but
yeah that was that um it was fun it was fun I
had a lot of fun and it's funny because I Leading
up to Halloween and like whatever I kept saying
like I'm gonna go out and go crazy Because after
this I'm going into hibernation like I'm fully
Going away, and I feel like since Halloween.
I've been out like I've been kind of going out
like every weekend Loki like But I'm doing it.
I'm going to continue to enjoy it for as long
as I can because it's going to come a point where
when it's genuinely so cold to where I actually
will have to go into hibernation. So I'm like,
I'm having fun. I'm still tapping in while it's
like, you know, like 40s, 50s. Like, it's not
too crazy. But yeah, that was fun. What have
I done? Recently I saw FK twigs that was last
When was that I think that was last week last
like Thursday, um Y 'all we I'm getting spoiled
and I also just want to say tomorrow Low -key
maybe today when I post this. I don't know JT
is coming Brooklyn and she's doing this like
pop -up surprise like party whatever with fucking
Arca It's gonna be JT Arca Cortez a star. I think
that's how you say it and just like a whole bunch
of other people but like yo Yo, like I can't
like what? This is what I love about New York
We get spoiled like artists will just pop up
Like she posted this on Instagram like a day
ago and I was like, oh, oh It's literally on
the street that I live off of like two miles
down, but like still that's fucking crazy So
gonna be doing that super Super damn excited.
I do work the next morning, but like hey We're
gonna we're gonna have fun. It's gonna be a fun
effing time so yeah i've been just i've been
like i've been low -key like going out a good
amount and you know it's fine it's fine it's
fine but going like nothing will beat going out
in the summer like even though i have been tapping
into like taking coats and whatnot but it just
i love going out when it's warm and just like
literally being able to wear nothing and it's
like you don't have to wear like a liquor jacket
and get like You know, you know, it's rough.
Anyways, moving on. Um, talked for 14 minutes.
Period. Um, this is, this is old news, like,
cause all of this stuff that I have written down
is from like a month ago, but, um, Tame Impala's,
uh, album came out. I don't think I, have I talked?
No, I actually do think I talked about that already.
Yeah, Tame Impala dropped an album. I loved it.
He came to New York. I wasn't able to see him
because it was during Hala Weekend. Did I speak
about... I'm like remembering talking about this,
but I feel like I maybe recorded and didn't...
I don't know. Long story short, Tame Impala,
his tour, he stopped in New York like throughout
Hala Weekend and I wanted to go see him. um but
it just wasn't lining up like every night i was
either going out or i had work or like whatever
so it just ended up not happening but um yeah
love him loved him paula i saw him for his slow
rush tour a couple years ago and it was genuinely
one of the best experiences of my life loved
the album love him he's great love him love him
love him love him Um Yeah, genuinely everything
that I want to talk about is so old news I have
fucking I just have Zoran written in my notes.
Um, yeah Zoran one He is the mayor of New York
or I guess is he technically? Maybe not until
next year. I should probably know that but Zoran
is the fucking mayor and I am literally it's
been like one of the Few pieces of good news
that has been like a thing I'm so happy Cuz I
voted bitch. Yeah, I voted even though I'm technically
not No, that's not true I am registered to vote
cuz I voted but when I voted for him in May I
had to vote affidavit. I don't know how you say
it, but when you're not technically because I'm
not like a New York resident or what I don't
even know. Yes I am a resident because I live
here and I work here But I don't have like a
New York ID and before I was not registered to
vote anyways, I voted my vote counted and I voted
for Zoran and Waiting like for the results like
I was like, I was very hopeful and I, in my mind,
I was like, I feel like he's gonna win. But it's
also like, you never know, you know? I thought
Kamala was gonna win and she didn't, Trump won.
You just never know. But I was like, I have hope.
Like he's really been like genuinely putting
in so much work and like. Going around and and
talking to everyone and you know, just like doing
his thing and I'm so happy that people pulled
through and like got out and voted and I think
he's amazing and I'm just really excited We need
young fresh energy we need Socialists we need
like let's just move. Let's just keep going to
the left like i don't know but i really fuck
with him um also shout out his wife um she went
to vcu and i went to vcu so yeah i feel like
that that that means something um no they're
great super excited about this super super excited
big w for new york big w for honestly united
states it's so funny like It's so fun living
in New York and Like seeing how important New
York is and how much people care like genuinely
It's like people don't care about the mayor of
any other place like genuinely any other state
No one cares. I don't care. I don't know who
the fuck is running in Virginia. I don't live
there anymore. I don't care I don't care, that's
none of my business. No one cares. But for New
York, it's like everyone was clocked in. Everyone
was caring, everyone was excited. I mean, which
makes sense. New York is really influential,
super populated, lots of culture here. So that
was also really exciting. feeling like i'm a
part of this like big moment in history because
it is a big moment like first muslim mayor i
think he's like the first mayor under whatever
age i think he's under 35 um a lot a lot of super
exciting stuff but yeah love me some zoran love
me some zoran um What else has been going on
in my life? I feel like recently what has been
causing me grief, and this is something that
I had written down to talk about a month ago,
but it still very much applies. Basically like,
yeah, exactly the same. I have been really deeply
struggling with a chronic dopamine addiction
and This is something that I feel like most people
right now can relate to Because all of these
things are We're witnessing right now the long
-term effects of Phones and of social media and
of like so many different things Because I am
so addicted to dopamine and it genuinely Really
is negatively impacting so many aspects of my
life Like I fully every day It's a fight for
me to not dopamine max like and I'm gonna elaborate
on that but like It's it's just so much it's
so much it's so much. I don't even know where
to begin So like You know like you can you get
dopamine from a lot of things right dopamine
If I'm correct, it's like the reward chemical
but like you Realizing I maybe should have like
done research like I don't know. This is not
a fucking informative video But what I think
I think like you can get dopamine from like You
can get dopamine from like completing a task
right like cleaning your room or doing an assignment
or running an errand Whatever you get a little
hit of dopamine where you feel okay. I'm accomplished.
I feel good. Whatever You can also get dopamine
from eating food eating good food that you enjoy
you get a hit a hit of dopamine you can get dopamine
from literally just like a notification on your
phone. You get a text message from someone you've
been waiting on a text message from. You get
an Instagram notification that someone liked
your post. Those are tiny little hits of dopamine
where it's like, ooh, ooh, I feel accomplished,
but I also feel good. I feel, you know, I got
this little hit of like something good, whatever.
Very fleeing though. But then you can also, Drugs
give you dopamine, right? When you drink alcohol,
you release dopamine. That's one of the reasons
why it feels good, and that's why you wanna keep
doing it. Same thing with smoking cigarettes.
You get a little hit of dopamine. Same thing
with smoking weed. You get some dopamine, okay?
So, you can get dopamine from so many different
things. And dopamine's not bad. It's good. Like,
good dopamine is like finishing a task and getting
dopamine. You know? You do something, you get
a reward. That is all good. The problem, I think,
for me, I will say, is the quick dopamine with
things like... Let's use Mary Jane as an example,
because that's something I tap into, that's something
that I'm constantly like, I need to fix my relationship
with this. When you smoke, you get dopamine.
And that's not really good, because it feels
great, obviously. But it's like, you don't really
have to do anything. to get it besides just smoking.
So you'll smoke. You're like, wow, wow, wow.
You're listening to music. You're getting all
these hits of dopamine. And then the dopamine
kind of flees. And then you maybe take some more
hits, get it, whatever. It basically just puts
you in this really vicious cycle. I'm so sorry
for the street noise. There's like something
happening right now. Puts you in this vicious
cycle of just needing more and more and more
and more and more And I mentioned earlier dopamine
maxing What I mean by that y 'all is like I will
dopamine max to the fucking fullest We're like,
I'm literally whether it be at the end of the
day Whether it be at the beginning of the day.
It doesn't really matter. I will spark up That's
my hit of dopamine And then I will scroll on
my phone. That's more dopamine. I'll scroll on
my phone. I will, like, open and close my Instagram
app 50 billion times. I will, like, watch my
own story because I'm fucking insane. Smoke a
little more, maybe, dopamine. And then what I
really look forward to doing once I've smoked
is eating. Because it's just, it's so much dopamine.
So much dopamine and so much fun To where I'm
like, yeah So then I'll eat and I'm usually probably
like smoking more right before I eat to make
sure I'm at my Just at the the best at my best,
you know And then I'll eat and Usually eat way
too much because I'm high And then Once I'm done
with that probably spark up more scroll on my
phone more like do you see what I'm saying? It's
just doing things Yes, it's out of enjoyment
But it's literally just because I know how good
the dopamine is gonna feel so I like line these
things up in order to get dopamine dopamine dopamine
dopamine dopamine dopamine dopamine until I just
go to sleep and then I wake up and I usually
what I'm realizing and what I've realized for
a very long time but I'm just not really able
to like fucking put pen to paper and just like
do it is like I realize when I smoke before I
go to sleep I wake up very anxious and my sleep
is just not good like I wake up tired, groggy,
I don't know where I am but it's like the minute
I gain consciousness before I've even opened
my eyes it's just this impending doom which is
obviously not a good way to wake up um but I
do it and I wake up and it's immediate where
I wake up and I'm like okay so what where am
I gonna get my dopamine now? Where's the dopamine
gonna come from? Don't care. I don't care who
wants to go first, but we are gonna have a lineup
like that's my everyday where I every day I wake
up and I'm like thinking about the dopamine that
I'm gonna get that day and where it's gonna be
from Um And it's not good. It's really bad. It's
really actually really fucking bad um And there's
it's just What's bad about it is that there are
so many things Coming together to create this
just conglomerate of of issues, but they're all
Connected to dopamine, but it's just dopamine
in different forms And there was a point I mean
this is at some point in the last month or whatever
where i was like okay i really need a crackdown
on like not smoking marijuana so i was like let's
not and because also for me it's the dopamine
but also it's like when you get in the rhythm
of doing it it for me it makes my baseline anxiety
worse so then when i'm anxious i'm like what's
gonna make me feel good but the more that i'm
doing it the worst that I'm making my anxiety
right so it's just a vicious cycle but um I was
just I was it was getting to the it was like
girl like you're about to go to like chill chill
like just have a day just chill whatever so I
was going through this period where I was like
okay I'm not gonna smork weed but if I do want
to smoke and I'm feeling the urge to smoke something
I'll smoke something else. I'm like crack. No,
just kidding um, but I Had access to cigarettes
they were not mine They were not mine, but I
had access and so Y 'all this is I think the
first time in my life like whenever this happened
It was my first time having a sober cigarette
because I don't even really Mean I've tapped
more into it recently, but usually when I'm drunk
and I'm out and I'm offered a cigarette I will
say no because I like a vape give me the technology
give me the iPad like Give me the blueberry Sour
rosé like give me the vape. Okay, I don't want
a cigarette but These in these past few weeks
I had two instances where I had smoked a sober
cigarette I had two sober cigarettes and they
were a week apart from each other I had one and
then I didn't for a week and then I had another
one but I mean also I quickly realized girl just
don't do that like there are pros and cons to
every drug but I think there are more cons Don't
know I don't know there there are definitely
the physical Repercussions of cigarettes are
far worse than the physical repercussions of
weed as far as like mental stuff and like motivation
and dopamine and blah blah blah blah blah weed
is honestly At least for me. It is not good if
you're already baseline like not that motivated
or if you have low dopamine from ADD or whatever,
if you have low mood, the marijuana will make
it worse. Okay, okay, we don't want to wake it
up because I literally was talking to a friend
about this but like Frank Ocean's grandma went
in that song when she's like oh weed makes you
unproductive and lazy and unconcerned and sluggish
She was not fucking wrong. And I'm sick of y
'all trying to act like she was wrong. She was
right. Everything that she said was 100 % right.
But anyways, I think I realized, okay, like sure,
we're not smoking and, you know, getting high
and like laying around for hours and being unproductive,
but you are like killing your body. So let's
not do that. But the problem was that had these
two instances where I smoked these cigarettes
and one of the times I was like sitting and I
was listening to Bad Habit by Steve Lacey and
I was smoking the cigarette and I had a few long
drags and I caught a little buzz and I was like
oh wait this is I was like oh yeah I see how
people get addicted this this feels good yeah
yeah yeah that feels good yeah Like what? What?
It actually felt really nice, but then you know
you get your buzz then it goes away, and then
you're like oh Then it's like now my fingers
stink and my breath stinks and everything stinks,
and I'm disgusting But yeah, I had those two
instances where literally I was just in that
moment. I was like I need Dopamine like I need
some form of dopamine And y 'all it's like I
Mean these addictions and these like whatever
like it's bleeding into every aspect of my life
like I'm so addicted to my phone which everyone
is at this point like unless you're just not
like unless you're just like that much better
than everyone else like most people are to some
degree addicted to their phone and It's to the
point where like my phone is now boring to me
like because it's just not enough dopamine like
I'm bored I will be on YouTube fully bored I
Also, just think that's like YouTube just isn't
as fun. It's YouTube is just not what it used
to be me thinks like there used to be just Really
good creators and really good content and I feel
like it's kind of dwindled down But like still
it's really bad. Like I can't even I will try
to sit down and watch a YouTube video Okay, we're
not even talking shows or movies. I will try
to watch a YouTube video and literally I Get
10 seconds in and I'm like, okay. I'm not I'm
not sucked in I'm not immediately interested.
I can't do this. Like I don't care and then I'm
like on tik -tok like Like I just need the quick
fucking dopamine like that's a problem but luckily
I did delete TikTok off of my phone a couple
days ago which is good which is good I'm making
some sort of effort to get it under control because
the other day I woke up at 8 and I for me what
I always try to do is I keep my phone like across
the room so that I make myself get up and have
to walk over to my phone whatever age -old trick
but because I don't have any discipline and because
I'm like oh wait I'm the adult here like no one
can tell me to do anything I will most of the
time just like wake up walk across my phone walk
across my room get to my phone and either turn
my alarm off or I'll hit snooze and I'll go to
bed um So, cause I wake up and I'm like, I'm
tired, but it's like, yeah girl, you're gonna
feel tired because you've just been ripped out
of your sleep. Give yourself literally 20 seconds
to like gain consciousness and you'll probably
feel fine. But I usually don't allow myself that
chance, but sometimes I'll wake up and I'm like,
okay, let me just scroll on my phone. Like let
me, that'll wake me up, you know, to just like
do something. And it's like, I should probably
do something else, but I got up at eight and
I, Walked over to my phone took my phone was
like, let me scroll to wake up. I scrolled for
two hours On tik -tok on Twitter various various
things but like two hours y 'all And that's not
even as bad as it could be but like that is ridiculous
it makes me really angry because It's like I
work a good amount of time and so Especially
this past year. I think I've talked about this
with me like turning 23 and whatever I am becoming
painfully aware of time passing and So it's making
My phone addiction and my dopamine addiction
and all these different things that much more
frustrating to where I'm like This is really
bothering me and I really need to get it Under
control. Oh my god. Sorry. There's a like rat
across the street that was moving in a very weird
way It almost looked like computer -generated.
I did not like that No, it's it's making My newfound
like realization or just like my newfound awareness
of time passing is making these things that I'm
dealing with that much more frustrating for me,
which I think is good because it's the fact that
it's bothering me and it's frustrating me means
it's something that I really want to change and
that I will change. But yeah, it's just like.
The girl, the days are going to keep passing
and they're not going to move any slower and.
I really cannot sit up here and wake up and,
like, scroll on my phone for two hours. Like,
I just can't. And maybe every now and then, you
know? I'm not saying you can never do it, but
for every day to be dedicating, minimum! That's
just in the morning. Two hours? It's like, bitch,
I could be reading. I could be, like, learning
a fucking language. I could be, like... learning
crocheting i could be doing literally anything
else that is productive or that is making me
learn something or causing me to fucking grow
i could be doing anything else but instead i'm
on fucking tiktok with my little primate brain
like scrolling through fucking stupid shit that
by the way i'm literally not going to remember
in 12 minutes Like, that's the crazy part about
it. It's like, okay, sure it's entertaining,
but ask me about literally any of it. Ask me
to recall one TikTok and I could not. And that's
really, really scary. Like it's just getting
to the point where I'm like, I need to preserve
my fucking brain. Like I need to allow it to
flourish. especially if I want to do all these
things like I want to learn fucking Spanish and
I want to learn Portuguese and I want to do all
this I want to learn to crochet I want to do
this girl you can't do all that if your brain
is fucking mush so that's just what I'm realizing
and it's it's hard it is hard I think it it's
really hard especially like living under capitalism
because people are just so fucking worn out and
honestly burnt out and just like Moving and operating
through burnt out in this But it's like after
a long day at work It's super easy to just unlock
your phone and go on whatever social media app
and scroll like it is You know It's easy and
it feels like okay, I'm breathing and I'm just
Winding down whatever but it's like you're actually
it's the opposite of winding down you're just
like fucking riling yourself up and Like I feel
like the amount of times I go on social media
to like wind down or decompress and then I'm
just like What causes me to end up getting off
of it is just because I see some shit that pisses
me off and then I'm just like angry Like that
was me with Twitter for a while and I was off
Twitter Genuinely, I think like all of this year.
I Want to say or most of this year? I don't remember
when I deleted Twitter, but I deleted Twitter
for a while I did not have it because I Would
notice like it would be the first thing usually
that I would scroll on when I would wake up and
It would be funny whatever, but then I would
see some shit to just piss me off I would see
some just like dumb relationship discourse or
I would see Sexism or I would see like racism
or you know, whatever and then it was just like
I would just be upset and I was like not enjoying
like being into like I That's not fun right like
Twitter is and I mean I have redownloaded it.
I redownloaded it maybe... I don't even know,
y 'all. Time is blurring. I think I've had it
maybe for like a month again. And I'm having
fun right now. I am. I am. Because I deleted
it, one, because I was seeing shit that was making
me angry, but also I deleted it around, I think,
the time where Elon Musk got ahold of it. and
I was just noticing I was seeing so much more
like conservative like shit and I think he had
something to do with it because it was literally
all of a sudden like out of nowhere I was just
seeing so much shit that was just like not aligning
with anything that I had ever like interacted
with or whatever seeing just a lot of like misogynists
and I was like I can't I can't like and mind
you before that I'm doing not interested not
interested not interested trying to like curate
my feed and it just wasn't working So deleted
it for months. I redownloaded it and shit just
kind of went back to normal. Like, it's cool,
it's, you know, what I was expecting before,
whatever. And so I've been on it and I've been
having a lot of fun, but you just have to be
careful. And like genuinely, it's so annoying,
but it really is that damn fucking phone. It
really is that phone. And social media is the
devil. It's not good. And I feel like I'm always
feel better when i'm on social media less like
i do because i'm a chronic comparer and it's
something that i'm working on i don't really
know how to stop but it's it's what you can do
if you are someone who compares yourself heavily
to other people instead of just like you know
not doing that anymore which is like like i said
don't know how you do that when i when i figure
it out i'll let you know but just get rid of
social media, and then you just have less people
to compare yourself to. Like, it's really that
fucking simple. Because I will be on TikTok,
Instagram, whatever, seeing any beautiful person
or any person that's successful, and God forbid,
oh my God, don't let them be younger than me.
If I see someone who's 20, like out here doing
shit and like fame, like anything, I'm like,
Oh, okay, so I'm a fucking useless pig and I'm
never gonna amount to anything Like that's me,
that's me though like But social media is so
bad like And we're seeing all the effects of
this right now, but it's just genuinely when
you think about it Like there has never been
a time in human history where you can see what
this many people like what you can see where
what anyone is doing at any given time it's too
fucking much i should not know and mind you i
love an instagram story i'd be using the fuck
out of my stories but it's like i should not
be able to like look on someone's story and see
that you're at fucking hibachi like that's none
of my business but we live in a world where it's
like you can go online and see what your friends
are doing and oh y 'all were at this party and
I wasn't there and this and that it's just it's
literally too much it's too much and I've been
we're kind of like We're going going at other
topics here, but I've been on my like dating
era recently and by dating era I mean I've gone
on two dates in the past two weeks which is a
fucking lot for me because genuinely before these
two dates the last date that I went on was literally
a Year ago over a year ago when I first moved
to New York Because usually what I'll do is I'll
just I'll go on a date it'll be bad and then
I just give up and I'm like I don't want to do
this anymore and then I will go into hibernation
for a year like genuinely not an over exaggeration
have done that on multiple occasions um but have
tapped in gone on a couple dates but anyways
went on these dates with this person this man
who is genuinely the most chronically offline
person I've ever met in my entire life um is
not on he's on instagram but no other social
media doesn't even really watch tv like literally
just like reads books and like he also doesn't
live in the united states so there's that um
but like just like hikes and like Bikes and reads
and like just like does actual shit in his free
time and talking to him made me Feel like a moron
number one, but number two it really gave me
motivation to where I was like I have to just
get my life together like Y 'all ever go on a
date and you're like, whoa, I have got to get
my shit together Like to meet someone who was
so Tapped out of just like frivolous shit, and
I'm not saying I'm not saying it's all bad like
I I like pop culture I love I love stupid shit.
I love reality TV. I love whatever I love like
I'm 23 like I want a fucking joke about stupid
shit like you know like my sense of humor is
very like Don't like it's dumb. It's dumb. I'm
not I'm not saying you can't have fun But it
did really motivate me to, like, get a little
bit offline, you know? Like, I am pretty privy
to memes and meme culture and whatever, and that's
cool. But it is also cool to, like, be a real
person and, like, go outside and touch grass
and talk to people and, like, not just have a
fucking rotting brain in your skull. Like, that's
also really cool. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Have to get up and get out but also it is just
like it is living in capitalism like let's circle
back It is just like, you know, it's hard like
it's really hard And it's something that I'm
trying to grapple with and just like like I'm
like damn this is adulting like I Get home from
a night shift and it's like 10. I'm on the train
and I'm like I will get these random kind of
like bursts of energy and I'm like, ooh, I could
go home and I could draw or I could read or I
could, you know, do this. And then I get home
and I eat dinner and I'm like, mmm, mmm, I think
I'm just gonna schmoke and go on Twitter and
see what people are talking about. Like, that's
all I have the energy for, but I think also it
really is just about like, like you're not always
gonna have the motivation to do shit. and that's
just kind of what i'm realizing like you just
kind of have to do shit sometimes even when you
really don't fucking feel like it because you're
probably gonna feel better after you do it and
you're gonna get some dopamine you're gonna get
some actual like real life like hard earned like
you mind you mind for that dopamine instead of
just having it drop from the sky you know like
i think you just have to do it because that's
also like You know, I don't know if I've really
talked much about me and like art but like I've
always been an artiste. I've always been like
a creative person like, you know most children
like draw and do shit, but I always loved making
art whatever that looked like for me and All
throughout high school. I was taking art classes
and I was like Really into art. I used to like
want to be an artist as a job And then I met
this really cool Individual named depression,
honey And I was like, oh just kind of like lost
all not only motivation but like Just did not
enjoy it anymore, which obviously sucks because
it's like wait. I've enjoyed this for many many
years Why do I not like this? Like wait, this
is actually something I like. Why don't I like
it? Like I want to like it Why don't I like it
and sometimes that happens? And it's been something
that I've been trying to tap back into for years
like Yeah, it's been a good five years five,
six, seven years where I've just been like trying
to tab back into this thing that I like used
to love and I used to just like do for hours
on end and it gave me so much joy. And so yeah,
I feel like I'm often just like, I don't feel
like drawing like I don't want to, but I think
sometimes you just have to force yourself to
do it and like the couple times that I have like
sat down and made art like. yeah usually for
the first 10 minutes i'm like i fucking hate
this this looks like shit i don't care i'm bored
but then you do hit like a point where it's like
oh maybe this is kind of fun like maybe i am
enjoying myself so i don't know it's just hard
life is fucking hard and that's just That's why
I've been away. I've just been dealing with this
shit. Like, try to just fucking find my rhythm
again. Like, I'll be doing really good and, like,
really consistent with things and, like, really
just feeling like I got it. And then it just
takes one little thing to just throw everything
off fucking kilter, and then all of a sudden
I'm, like, just a mess, like, slob, like... like
can't even see my floor. I'm like crawling out
of my room. Like I have a beard to the fucking
floor. Like haven't seen sunlight in days. And
it's like, wait, what happened? What happened,
girl? You were doing so good. But yeah, I don't
know. I want to stop dopamine maxing. I really
want to stop. I had a really good day. today
though i did not indulge nothing went into my
lungs except for oxygen and i went to the gym
um i also started my hair tonight which i took
a break from it to record this but um clean my
room like i did some shit and i i felt and i
feel really good um and i'm excited to get a
nice like clear night of rest And so sometimes
it really just does take like a few days to just
like fucking fuck your life up and be a mess
and Be like I'm not gonna come back from this
and then you just have one day that's like productive
and it's like, oh wait I actually do have full
control over my life, you know, like I am in
the driver's seat So Yeah I hope this was enjoyable.
I hope I hope, I hope someone relates. I hope
this was like at all affirming or like cool to
listen to. I don't fucking know. I don't know.
I don't know. Get off my back. Anyways, I, hopefully
I, I'm gonna. be consistent with this again um
because it's so fun i love talking to myself
but yeah thank you guys for listening hope you
enjoyed i will see you or i guess not see you
you will hear me in the next episode bye