WEBVTT 00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:04.820 What's up, everybody? Welcome to episode 6 of 00:00:04.820 --> 00:00:10.619 the Almost Living Podcast. Hey! It has been over 00:00:10.619 --> 00:00:15.359 a month since I have done the podcast, so hey. 00:00:16.839 --> 00:00:22.280 Yeah, welcome, welcome. I'm also, I'm not doing 00:00:22.280 --> 00:00:27.190 a recorded, like, video version this week. Because 00:00:27.190 --> 00:00:29.670 I don't feel like it quite frankly. I don't feel 00:00:29.670 --> 00:00:33.130 like it. So I'm just recording this no microphone 00:00:33.130 --> 00:00:35.670 I'm just doing this literally on the voice memo 00:00:35.670 --> 00:00:39.909 app in my phone And the unfortunate part is that 00:00:39.909 --> 00:00:42.450 the audio is probably gonna sound better like 00:00:42.450 --> 00:00:46.670 this There's definitely still gonna be some like 00:00:46.670 --> 00:00:48.689 background noise, I mean it also is midnight 00:00:48.689 --> 00:00:53.119 so like it's pretty quiet right now and y 'all 00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:55.240 know I don't edit my shit so like whatever noise 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:58.219 is in here is gonna be in here but with the microphone 00:00:58.219 --> 00:01:03.060 it's so cheap that there's just this weird like 00:01:03.060 --> 00:01:08.040 uh I don't even know like there's this weird 00:01:08.040 --> 00:01:10.920 like feedback and it's kind of like this like 00:01:10.920 --> 00:01:14.040 reverberating like vibration almost that happens 00:01:14.040 --> 00:01:18.060 I don't think that's gonna happen with me recording 00:01:18.060 --> 00:01:21.060 with no microphone um I need to get a new mic 00:01:21.060 --> 00:01:26.810 but I'm also like I'm broke, okay? I have so 00:01:26.810 --> 00:01:30.030 many other things that I have to finance, which 00:01:30.030 --> 00:01:36.829 is why this podcast is so low budget. Yeah, but 00:01:36.829 --> 00:01:40.390 let's get into it. I missed, I missed you guys. 00:01:40.469 --> 00:01:48.569 I missed this. I missed us. Yeah, life's been 00:01:48.569 --> 00:01:55.180 lifing. Don't know it it just like it literally 00:01:55.180 --> 00:01:57.319 was just like I looked up one day and I was like, 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.980 oh I haven't done that in a month. Like I was 00:02:00.980 --> 00:02:04.780 doing really really well, but I Don't know. I 00:02:04.780 --> 00:02:08.819 mean, I just kind of like as Y 'all know as I 00:02:08.819 --> 00:02:10.900 talked about on the podcast, I think I was super 00:02:10.900 --> 00:02:14.060 excited about Halloween and then right before 00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:19.159 Halloween I just hit this wave of like Don't 00:02:19.159 --> 00:02:21.020 care like I don't care about Halloween. I don't 00:02:21.020 --> 00:02:26.099 care about literally anything Which was so unfortunate 00:02:26.099 --> 00:02:29.740 because I was like, you know, whatever so I had 00:02:29.740 --> 00:02:38.460 to lock in I just Yeah, you know sometimes you're 00:02:38.460 --> 00:02:40.319 feeling a little sad and then it's like alright 00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:43.000 well bitch there there's shit you got to do like 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:47.780 this is literally a holiday like Whatever. So 00:02:47.780 --> 00:02:50.919 I clocked in I got on my shit. Um, I had a really 00:02:50.919 --> 00:02:55.439 fun Halloween Halloween weekend, holo weekend. 00:02:55.439 --> 00:02:57.800 It was really it was great. Honestly, like I 00:02:57.800 --> 00:03:01.000 got to hang out with different groups of friends 00:03:01.000 --> 00:03:04.680 like I Went out because Halloween was on a Friday 00:03:04.680 --> 00:03:07.879 this year, which was awesome. I went out Friday 00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:13.599 Saturday and Sunday, okay? Bitch I rallied I 00:03:13.599 --> 00:03:19.719 partied And it was really fun. The first night 00:03:19.719 --> 00:03:22.960 I was the Black Swan, which I talked about on 00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:27.680 here, because I had to go thrift for that shit, 00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:31.000 like the tutu and the wings and everything. Then 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:33.759 the second night I was a clown. And then the 00:03:33.759 --> 00:03:37.740 third night, the third night I was not planning 00:03:37.740 --> 00:03:41.759 on going out. I was literally at work on Saturday 00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:46.219 closing. And I was like, I'm so like, just hung 00:03:46.219 --> 00:03:48.800 over from going out two nights in a row. I was 00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:52.580 like, I am so tired because I was also I was 00:03:52.580 --> 00:03:59.319 running on. Three like three hours, like every 00:03:59.319 --> 00:04:01.979 night, like Friday, I went out because that's 00:04:01.979 --> 00:04:04.180 also the thing. Sorry, I'm like, I keep starting 00:04:04.180 --> 00:04:09.020 sentences and not finishing them, but when I 00:04:09.020 --> 00:04:13.020 drink. No matter what time I go to bed I wake 00:04:13.020 --> 00:04:16.220 up early and I think it just I mean probably 00:04:16.220 --> 00:04:18.959 obviously has something to do with just like 00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:25.060 alcohol really fucking with your sleep I No matter 00:04:25.060 --> 00:04:27.160 what without fail like this has just been me 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:30.680 since I started drinking in college like No matter 00:04:30.680 --> 00:04:33.560 what time I go to bed. I'm up an atom at like 00:04:33.560 --> 00:04:39.829 anywhere from 6 a .m. To like 9 usually So that 00:04:39.829 --> 00:04:42.449 is really annoying because if I stay out super 00:04:42.449 --> 00:04:46.430 late, I will, without fail, be up very early 00:04:46.430 --> 00:04:50.370 the next morning and usually not able to go back 00:04:50.370 --> 00:04:54.370 to bed until, like, if I take a nap or if I just 00:04:54.370 --> 00:04:56.629 go to sleep that night. So anyways, went out 00:04:56.629 --> 00:05:04.149 Friday night, was out late, and then I think, 00:05:04.589 --> 00:05:06.389 no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I didn't work Saturday 00:05:06.389 --> 00:05:10.220 morning. but i was up early i'm assuming did 00:05:10.220 --> 00:05:18.199 whatever i did then saturday night i worked is 00:05:18.199 --> 00:05:21.360 this right i think so saturday night i worked 00:05:21.360 --> 00:05:28.939 and then went out that next night i don't i'm 00:05:28.939 --> 00:05:30.959 trying to remember i don't even i don't remember 00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:35.949 basically by the time It, we got around to Sunday. 00:05:36.509 --> 00:05:40.290 I was closing that night. I was so prepared to 00:05:40.290 --> 00:05:42.850 go to bed and like go home and go to bed, you 00:05:42.850 --> 00:05:45.670 know, just like be done with the day and like 00:05:45.670 --> 00:05:49.149 catch up on sleep. But my roommate texted me 00:05:49.149 --> 00:05:51.689 cause we hadn't gotten an opportunity to go out 00:05:51.689 --> 00:05:53.290 that weekend. Like I had hung out with other 00:05:53.290 --> 00:05:55.709 friends, but she was like, do you want to go 00:05:55.709 --> 00:05:59.009 out tonight? Like to close out the weekend? And 00:05:59.009 --> 00:06:02.589 I was at work and I was like, you know what? 00:06:02.779 --> 00:06:08.519 Like, let's just, why not? Genuinely, why not? 00:06:08.879 --> 00:06:14.120 Because it's like, this is always my line of 00:06:14.120 --> 00:06:20.079 thinking. It's like, one, I'm 23. I'm young and 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:25.240 I'm not getting any younger. Like, I, and I was 00:06:25.240 --> 00:06:27.600 telling my best friend this actually, cause we 00:06:27.600 --> 00:06:29.100 were talking, I don't even remember what we were 00:06:29.100 --> 00:06:31.860 talking about, but like, there's gonna come a 00:06:31.860 --> 00:06:35.120 point. in my life where i don't want to go out 00:06:35.120 --> 00:06:39.360 at all or where i don't even have the the inkling 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:41.759 or like the thought because that's how i was 00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:44.899 feeling after my two nights out for holo weekend 00:06:44.899 --> 00:06:48.120 i was like i was like i could go out but like 00:06:48.120 --> 00:06:50.879 i'm so tired but i was like i also do want to 00:06:50.879 --> 00:06:53.439 kind of go out and just rally there's gonna be 00:06:53.439 --> 00:06:55.600 a point in my life where i don't even have that 00:06:55.600 --> 00:06:57.660 thought where i'm not even in the back of my 00:06:57.660 --> 00:07:00.300 mind like hmm i could go out like there's gonna 00:07:00.300 --> 00:07:03.420 come a point where i just Don't even care to 00:07:03.420 --> 00:07:08.600 go out and so I need to literally soak this in 00:07:08.600 --> 00:07:12.620 for as long as possible Because it's like I'm 00:07:12.620 --> 00:07:15.620 23 also like bitch Halloween comes around once 00:07:15.620 --> 00:07:20.500 a fucking year like I There is no other point 00:07:20.500 --> 00:07:24.620 where I can go out to the club in full costume 00:07:24.620 --> 00:07:30.180 and it be like not only socially acceptable, 00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:33.360 but it's like other people are doing it. Like 00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:36.240 I don't think we really appreciate that enough. 00:07:36.420 --> 00:07:41.620 I was, it's so fun. It's so fun. I love Halloween 00:07:41.620 --> 00:07:46.540 in New York. I do. I do. It's so whimsical. It's 00:07:46.540 --> 00:07:48.899 just like literally you're on the train or you're 00:07:48.899 --> 00:07:51.899 on the bus and like you got Marge Simpson to 00:07:51.899 --> 00:07:56.699 your left. You got fucking Spider -Man to your 00:07:56.699 --> 00:08:01.079 right. you got like some niche shit like I don't 00:08:01.079 --> 00:08:04.540 know someone is like a like I don't know it's 00:08:04.540 --> 00:08:07.759 just so fun but yeah long story short my roommate 00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:09.379 texted me and was like do you want to go out 00:08:09.379 --> 00:08:14.040 I was like yeah and then we did we went out and 00:08:14.040 --> 00:08:17.040 I'm so proud of myself for rallying y 'all I 00:08:17.040 --> 00:08:21.600 genuinely don't no that's not true I have gone 00:08:21.600 --> 00:08:27.420 out multiple like three days plus in a row but 00:08:27.420 --> 00:08:29.959 I was I was at a music festival. So it's like 00:08:29.959 --> 00:08:31.779 you kind of have to like that's what you're there 00:08:31.779 --> 00:08:34.759 for. But I think this that was the only time 00:08:34.759 --> 00:08:38.100 in my just like day to day life that I had gone 00:08:38.100 --> 00:08:41.559 out three nights in a row, like gone out, drank, 00:08:42.019 --> 00:08:45.340 stayed out late, danced three nights in a row. 00:08:45.860 --> 00:08:50.240 I'm proud. It took a lot out of me. It took a 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:55.179 lot. And I genuinely think like. I did not regain. 00:08:55.690 --> 00:08:59.110 like awareness consciousness whatever until like 00:08:59.110 --> 00:09:02.049 two weeks after holo weekend because i genuinely 00:09:02.049 --> 00:09:05.929 just had to recover but it was really fun um 00:09:05.929 --> 00:09:11.429 me and my roommate for on sunday we went to it 00:09:11.429 --> 00:09:15.049 was like a little lounge they had they had some 00:09:15.049 --> 00:09:18.669 djs there it was fun but it was a straight move 00:09:18.669 --> 00:09:23.210 and like y 'all the straight men just are so 00:09:23.210 --> 00:09:26.480 weird like i felt just like literally a piece 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:30.220 of meat like genuinely and it's like I'm going 00:09:30.220 --> 00:09:33.919 to the club you know I'm not going to Sunday 00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:37.480 service like I am obviously dressed scantily 00:09:37.480 --> 00:09:40.720 clad I'm wearing club attire like I'm I'm having 00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:43.220 fun and it's not I'm not trying to impress anyone 00:09:43.220 --> 00:09:45.840 I'm not trying to do anything I just look good 00:09:45.840 --> 00:09:50.960 I feel good I'm young like when else do you get 00:09:50.960 --> 00:09:53.659 to just like wear no clothes? But we're out of 00:09:53.659 --> 00:09:55.860 this club and literally we're walking by men 00:09:55.860 --> 00:10:00.700 and they're like caressing my elbow and like 00:10:00.700 --> 00:10:04.279 rubbing my arm and like it's just so fucking 00:10:04.279 --> 00:10:08.139 weird. Also this night I was dressed up as a 00:10:08.139 --> 00:10:11.259 cat right? I had my cat ears and also like like 00:10:11.259 --> 00:10:13.019 I said I was not planning on going out so it 00:10:13.019 --> 00:10:16.409 was a very like last minute, like I literally 00:10:16.409 --> 00:10:18.389 was just wearing cat ears and I did like cat 00:10:18.389 --> 00:10:20.350 makeup, but I had just like a regular dress on 00:10:20.350 --> 00:10:23.710 like boots, whatever. The amount of men that 00:10:23.710 --> 00:10:29.509 were like, what are you dressed as? And I literally 00:10:29.509 --> 00:10:32.250 had to sit there and be like, um, I'm a cat. 00:10:33.129 --> 00:10:35.769 Like genuinely, what else would I be? I have 00:10:35.769 --> 00:10:38.450 fucking cat ears and I have spots on my face. 00:10:38.929 --> 00:10:41.129 Like what? I understand you're trying to make 00:10:41.129 --> 00:10:43.889 conversation, but like, please. and then I say 00:10:43.889 --> 00:10:46.529 I'm a cat and they're like one man literally 00:10:46.529 --> 00:10:49.330 who was probably like 45 was like he kept calling 00:10:49.330 --> 00:10:52.370 me kitty cat after I said I was a cat he was 00:10:52.370 --> 00:10:58.350 like okay kitty cat barf I'm literally gonna 00:10:58.350 --> 00:11:01.950 throw up literally really gonna throw up but 00:11:01.950 --> 00:11:06.610 yeah that was that um it was fun it was fun I 00:11:06.610 --> 00:11:11.649 had a lot of fun and it's funny because I Leading 00:11:11.649 --> 00:11:14.230 up to Halloween and like whatever I kept saying 00:11:14.230 --> 00:11:18.009 like I'm gonna go out and go crazy Because after 00:11:18.009 --> 00:11:21.730 this I'm going into hibernation like I'm fully 00:11:21.730 --> 00:11:25.850 Going away, and I feel like since Halloween. 00:11:25.850 --> 00:11:29.309 I've been out like I've been kind of going out 00:11:29.309 --> 00:11:35.250 like every weekend Loki like But I'm doing it. 00:11:35.250 --> 00:11:37.710 I'm going to continue to enjoy it for as long 00:11:37.710 --> 00:11:39.789 as I can because it's going to come a point where 00:11:39.789 --> 00:11:43.690 when it's genuinely so cold to where I actually 00:11:43.690 --> 00:11:45.769 will have to go into hibernation. So I'm like, 00:11:46.090 --> 00:11:48.710 I'm having fun. I'm still tapping in while it's 00:11:48.710 --> 00:11:51.690 like, you know, like 40s, 50s. Like, it's not 00:11:51.690 --> 00:12:00.190 too crazy. But yeah, that was fun. What have 00:12:00.190 --> 00:12:05.639 I done? Recently I saw FK twigs that was last 00:12:05.639 --> 00:12:10.179 When was that I think that was last week last 00:12:10.179 --> 00:12:15.320 like Thursday, um Y 'all we I'm getting spoiled 00:12:15.320 --> 00:12:19.820 and I also just want to say tomorrow Low -key 00:12:19.820 --> 00:12:23.539 maybe today when I post this. I don't know JT 00:12:23.539 --> 00:12:29.840 is coming Brooklyn and she's doing this like 00:12:29.840 --> 00:12:33.759 pop -up surprise like party whatever with fucking 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:39.179 Arca It's gonna be JT Arca Cortez a star. I think 00:12:39.179 --> 00:12:41.700 that's how you say it and just like a whole bunch 00:12:41.700 --> 00:12:46.460 of other people but like yo Yo, like I can't 00:12:46.460 --> 00:12:51.360 like what? This is what I love about New York 00:12:51.360 --> 00:12:56.080 We get spoiled like artists will just pop up 00:12:56.939 --> 00:12:59.519 Like she posted this on Instagram like a day 00:12:59.519 --> 00:13:04.320 ago and I was like, oh, oh It's literally on 00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:06.779 the street that I live off of like two miles 00:13:06.779 --> 00:13:10.500 down, but like still that's fucking crazy So 00:13:10.500 --> 00:13:14.700 gonna be doing that super Super damn excited. 00:13:14.700 --> 00:13:19.659 I do work the next morning, but like hey We're 00:13:19.659 --> 00:13:23.259 gonna we're gonna have fun. It's gonna be a fun 00:13:23.259 --> 00:13:28.299 effing time so yeah i've been just i've been 00:13:28.299 --> 00:13:30.519 like i've been low -key like going out a good 00:13:30.519 --> 00:13:36.059 amount and you know it's fine it's fine it's 00:13:36.059 --> 00:13:39.600 fine but going like nothing will beat going out 00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:42.279 in the summer like even though i have been tapping 00:13:42.279 --> 00:13:47.120 into like taking coats and whatnot but it just 00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:49.759 i love going out when it's warm and just like 00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:52.080 literally being able to wear nothing and it's 00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:55.000 like you don't have to wear like a liquor jacket 00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:59.950 and get like You know, you know, it's rough. 00:14:00.610 --> 00:14:05.529 Anyways, moving on. Um, talked for 14 minutes. 00:14:06.690 --> 00:14:10.830 Period. Um, this is, this is old news, like, 00:14:10.909 --> 00:14:12.990 cause all of this stuff that I have written down 00:14:12.990 --> 00:14:17.250 is from like a month ago, but, um, Tame Impala's, 00:14:17.250 --> 00:14:23.009 uh, album came out. I don't think I, have I talked? 00:14:26.939 --> 00:14:29.620 No, I actually do think I talked about that already. 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:32.059 Yeah, Tame Impala dropped an album. I loved it. 00:14:32.220 --> 00:14:34.940 He came to New York. I wasn't able to see him 00:14:34.940 --> 00:14:39.200 because it was during Hala Weekend. Did I speak 00:14:39.200 --> 00:14:42.559 about... I'm like remembering talking about this, 00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:45.120 but I feel like I maybe recorded and didn't... 00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:48.700 I don't know. Long story short, Tame Impala, 00:14:49.580 --> 00:14:53.039 his tour, he stopped in New York like throughout 00:14:53.039 --> 00:14:58.179 Hala Weekend and I wanted to go see him. um but 00:14:58.179 --> 00:15:02.139 it just wasn't lining up like every night i was 00:15:02.139 --> 00:15:06.460 either going out or i had work or like whatever 00:15:06.460 --> 00:15:09.700 so it just ended up not happening but um yeah 00:15:09.700 --> 00:15:13.759 love him loved him paula i saw him for his slow 00:15:13.759 --> 00:15:16.159 rush tour a couple years ago and it was genuinely 00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:18.259 one of the best experiences of my life loved 00:15:18.259 --> 00:15:22.700 the album love him he's great love him love him 00:15:22.700 --> 00:15:29.389 love him love him Um Yeah, genuinely everything 00:15:29.389 --> 00:15:31.490 that I want to talk about is so old news I have 00:15:31.490 --> 00:15:34.429 fucking I just have Zoran written in my notes. 00:15:35.090 --> 00:15:39.750 Um, yeah Zoran one He is the mayor of New York 00:15:39.750 --> 00:15:43.990 or I guess is he technically? Maybe not until 00:15:43.990 --> 00:15:48.029 next year. I should probably know that but Zoran 00:15:48.029 --> 00:15:52.210 is the fucking mayor and I am literally it's 00:15:52.210 --> 00:15:55.649 been like one of the Few pieces of good news 00:15:55.649 --> 00:16:03.610 that has been like a thing I'm so happy Cuz I 00:16:03.610 --> 00:16:06.950 voted bitch. Yeah, I voted even though I'm technically 00:16:06.950 --> 00:16:13.330 not No, that's not true I am registered to vote 00:16:13.330 --> 00:16:18.210 cuz I voted but when I voted for him in May I 00:16:18.210 --> 00:16:21.230 had to vote affidavit. I don't know how you say 00:16:21.230 --> 00:16:23.429 it, but when you're not technically because I'm 00:16:23.429 --> 00:16:29.330 not like a New York resident or what I don't 00:16:29.330 --> 00:16:30.809 even know. Yes I am a resident because I live 00:16:30.809 --> 00:16:33.090 here and I work here But I don't have like a 00:16:33.090 --> 00:16:35.549 New York ID and before I was not registered to 00:16:35.549 --> 00:16:39.509 vote anyways, I voted my vote counted and I voted 00:16:39.509 --> 00:16:45.509 for Zoran and Waiting like for the results like 00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:52.779 I was like, I was very hopeful and I, in my mind, 00:16:52.860 --> 00:16:55.080 I was like, I feel like he's gonna win. But it's 00:16:55.080 --> 00:16:57.679 also like, you never know, you know? I thought 00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:00.240 Kamala was gonna win and she didn't, Trump won. 00:17:01.059 --> 00:17:06.859 You just never know. But I was like, I have hope. 00:17:06.940 --> 00:17:10.119 Like he's really been like genuinely putting 00:17:10.119 --> 00:17:14.279 in so much work and like. Going around and and 00:17:14.279 --> 00:17:16.900 talking to everyone and you know, just like doing 00:17:16.900 --> 00:17:20.220 his thing and I'm so happy that people pulled 00:17:20.220 --> 00:17:23.160 through and like got out and voted and I think 00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:29.200 he's amazing and I'm just really excited We need 00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:35.339 young fresh energy we need Socialists we need 00:17:35.339 --> 00:17:39.059 like let's just move. Let's just keep going to 00:17:39.059 --> 00:17:42.960 the left like i don't know but i really fuck 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:49.759 with him um also shout out his wife um she went 00:17:49.759 --> 00:17:54.700 to vcu and i went to vcu so yeah i feel like 00:17:54.700 --> 00:17:58.680 that that that means something um no they're 00:17:58.680 --> 00:18:02.019 great super excited about this super super excited 00:18:02.019 --> 00:18:06.220 big w for new york big w for honestly united 00:18:06.220 --> 00:18:13.329 states it's so funny like It's so fun living 00:18:13.329 --> 00:18:20.269 in New York and Like seeing how important New 00:18:20.269 --> 00:18:24.650 York is and how much people care like genuinely 00:18:24.650 --> 00:18:28.029 It's like people don't care about the mayor of 00:18:28.029 --> 00:18:32.210 any other place like genuinely any other state 00:18:32.210 --> 00:18:35.150 No one cares. I don't care. I don't know who 00:18:35.150 --> 00:18:36.890 the fuck is running in Virginia. I don't live 00:18:36.890 --> 00:18:40.450 there anymore. I don't care I don't care, that's 00:18:40.450 --> 00:18:43.690 none of my business. No one cares. But for New 00:18:43.690 --> 00:18:47.170 York, it's like everyone was clocked in. Everyone 00:18:47.170 --> 00:18:51.170 was caring, everyone was excited. I mean, which 00:18:51.170 --> 00:18:55.309 makes sense. New York is really influential, 00:18:57.569 --> 00:19:03.490 super populated, lots of culture here. So that 00:19:03.490 --> 00:19:06.259 was also really exciting. feeling like i'm a 00:19:06.259 --> 00:19:08.140 part of this like big moment in history because 00:19:08.140 --> 00:19:11.779 it is a big moment like first muslim mayor i 00:19:11.779 --> 00:19:14.400 think he's like the first mayor under whatever 00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:21.980 age i think he's under 35 um a lot a lot of super 00:19:21.980 --> 00:19:26.140 exciting stuff but yeah love me some zoran love 00:19:26.140 --> 00:19:35.079 me some zoran um What else has been going on 00:19:35.079 --> 00:19:38.420 in my life? I feel like recently what has been 00:19:38.420 --> 00:19:40.859 causing me grief, and this is something that 00:19:40.859 --> 00:19:44.140 I had written down to talk about a month ago, 00:19:44.460 --> 00:19:50.619 but it still very much applies. Basically like, 00:19:50.779 --> 00:19:54.619 yeah, exactly the same. I have been really deeply 00:19:54.619 --> 00:19:59.759 struggling with a chronic dopamine addiction 00:19:59.759 --> 00:20:06.519 and This is something that I feel like most people 00:20:06.519 --> 00:20:10.779 right now can relate to Because all of these 00:20:10.779 --> 00:20:15.380 things are We're witnessing right now the long 00:20:15.380 --> 00:20:21.920 -term effects of Phones and of social media and 00:20:21.920 --> 00:20:26.359 of like so many different things Because I am 00:20:26.359 --> 00:20:30.829 so addicted to dopamine and it genuinely Really 00:20:30.829 --> 00:20:33.829 is negatively impacting so many aspects of my 00:20:33.829 --> 00:20:42.890 life Like I fully every day It's a fight for 00:20:42.890 --> 00:20:49.470 me to not dopamine max like and I'm gonna elaborate 00:20:49.470 --> 00:20:53.450 on that but like It's it's just so much it's 00:20:53.450 --> 00:20:54.730 so much it's so much. I don't even know where 00:20:54.730 --> 00:21:05.339 to begin So like You know like you can you get 00:21:05.339 --> 00:21:09.359 dopamine from a lot of things right dopamine 00:21:09.359 --> 00:21:16.859 If I'm correct, it's like the reward chemical 00:21:16.859 --> 00:21:26.259 but like you Realizing I maybe should have like 00:21:26.259 --> 00:21:28.140 done research like I don't know. This is not 00:21:28.140 --> 00:21:31.069 a fucking informative video But what I think 00:21:31.069 --> 00:21:34.509 I think like you can get dopamine from like You 00:21:34.509 --> 00:21:36.569 can get dopamine from like completing a task 00:21:36.569 --> 00:21:40.049 right like cleaning your room or doing an assignment 00:21:40.049 --> 00:21:42.130 or running an errand Whatever you get a little 00:21:42.130 --> 00:21:45.130 hit of dopamine where you feel okay. I'm accomplished. 00:21:45.210 --> 00:21:48.109 I feel good. Whatever You can also get dopamine 00:21:48.109 --> 00:21:50.650 from eating food eating good food that you enjoy 00:21:50.650 --> 00:21:58.089 you get a hit a hit of dopamine you can get dopamine 00:21:58.089 --> 00:22:00.990 from literally just like a notification on your 00:22:00.990 --> 00:22:02.930 phone. You get a text message from someone you've 00:22:02.930 --> 00:22:04.349 been waiting on a text message from. You get 00:22:04.349 --> 00:22:06.589 an Instagram notification that someone liked 00:22:06.589 --> 00:22:09.690 your post. Those are tiny little hits of dopamine 00:22:09.690 --> 00:22:12.769 where it's like, ooh, ooh, I feel accomplished, 00:22:12.809 --> 00:22:16.609 but I also feel good. I feel, you know, I got 00:22:16.609 --> 00:22:19.009 this little hit of like something good, whatever. 00:22:20.049 --> 00:22:25.180 Very fleeing though. But then you can also, Drugs 00:22:25.180 --> 00:22:27.900 give you dopamine, right? When you drink alcohol, 00:22:28.740 --> 00:22:32.339 you release dopamine. That's one of the reasons 00:22:32.339 --> 00:22:34.960 why it feels good, and that's why you wanna keep 00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:39.039 doing it. Same thing with smoking cigarettes. 00:22:39.660 --> 00:22:41.660 You get a little hit of dopamine. Same thing 00:22:41.660 --> 00:22:44.980 with smoking weed. You get some dopamine, okay? 00:22:46.059 --> 00:22:48.339 So, you can get dopamine from so many different 00:22:48.339 --> 00:22:54.690 things. And dopamine's not bad. It's good. Like, 00:22:54.690 --> 00:22:57.369 good dopamine is like finishing a task and getting 00:22:57.369 --> 00:23:01.609 dopamine. You know? You do something, you get 00:23:01.609 --> 00:23:07.589 a reward. That is all good. The problem, I think, 00:23:08.150 --> 00:23:13.009 for me, I will say, is the quick dopamine with 00:23:13.009 --> 00:23:18.779 things like... Let's use Mary Jane as an example, 00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:21.079 because that's something I tap into, that's something 00:23:21.079 --> 00:23:24.420 that I'm constantly like, I need to fix my relationship 00:23:24.420 --> 00:23:30.720 with this. When you smoke, you get dopamine. 00:23:32.099 --> 00:23:35.960 And that's not really good, because it feels 00:23:35.960 --> 00:23:39.960 great, obviously. But it's like, you don't really 00:23:39.960 --> 00:23:45.349 have to do anything. to get it besides just smoking. 00:23:46.490 --> 00:23:50.529 So you'll smoke. You're like, wow, wow, wow. 00:23:50.609 --> 00:23:52.670 You're listening to music. You're getting all 00:23:52.670 --> 00:23:57.130 these hits of dopamine. And then the dopamine 00:23:57.130 --> 00:23:59.289 kind of flees. And then you maybe take some more 00:23:59.289 --> 00:24:03.970 hits, get it, whatever. It basically just puts 00:24:03.970 --> 00:24:07.130 you in this really vicious cycle. I'm so sorry 00:24:07.130 --> 00:24:08.650 for the street noise. There's like something 00:24:08.650 --> 00:24:11.390 happening right now. Puts you in this vicious 00:24:11.390 --> 00:24:14.130 cycle of just needing more and more and more 00:24:14.130 --> 00:24:17.109 and more and more And I mentioned earlier dopamine 00:24:17.109 --> 00:24:21.170 maxing What I mean by that y 'all is like I will 00:24:21.170 --> 00:24:24.829 dopamine max to the fucking fullest We're like, 00:24:24.950 --> 00:24:27.609 I'm literally whether it be at the end of the 00:24:27.609 --> 00:24:30.569 day Whether it be at the beginning of the day. 00:24:30.569 --> 00:24:36.089 It doesn't really matter. I will spark up That's 00:24:36.089 --> 00:24:39.769 my hit of dopamine And then I will scroll on 00:24:39.769 --> 00:24:45.710 my phone. That's more dopamine. I'll scroll on 00:24:45.710 --> 00:24:48.529 my phone. I will, like, open and close my Instagram 00:24:48.529 --> 00:24:51.710 app 50 billion times. I will, like, watch my 00:24:51.710 --> 00:24:56.930 own story because I'm fucking insane. Smoke a 00:24:56.930 --> 00:24:59.589 little more, maybe, dopamine. And then what I 00:24:59.589 --> 00:25:01.569 really look forward to doing once I've smoked 00:25:01.569 --> 00:25:06.750 is eating. Because it's just, it's so much dopamine. 00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:13.960 So much dopamine and so much fun To where I'm 00:25:13.960 --> 00:25:19.119 like, yeah So then I'll eat and I'm usually probably 00:25:19.119 --> 00:25:21.839 like smoking more right before I eat to make 00:25:21.839 --> 00:25:27.200 sure I'm at my Just at the the best at my best, 00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:35.970 you know And then I'll eat and Usually eat way 00:25:35.970 --> 00:25:43.430 too much because I'm high And then Once I'm done 00:25:43.430 --> 00:25:46.309 with that probably spark up more scroll on my 00:25:46.309 --> 00:25:49.809 phone more like do you see what I'm saying? It's 00:25:49.809 --> 00:25:55.329 just doing things Yes, it's out of enjoyment 00:25:55.329 --> 00:25:58.250 But it's literally just because I know how good 00:25:58.250 --> 00:26:01.250 the dopamine is gonna feel so I like line these 00:26:01.250 --> 00:26:04.930 things up in order to get dopamine dopamine dopamine 00:26:04.930 --> 00:26:06.950 dopamine dopamine dopamine dopamine until I just 00:26:06.950 --> 00:26:12.950 go to sleep and then I wake up and I usually 00:26:12.950 --> 00:26:15.789 what I'm realizing and what I've realized for 00:26:15.789 --> 00:26:18.170 a very long time but I'm just not really able 00:26:18.170 --> 00:26:22.009 to like fucking put pen to paper and just like 00:26:22.009 --> 00:26:24.829 do it is like I realize when I smoke before I 00:26:24.829 --> 00:26:28.390 go to sleep I wake up very anxious and my sleep 00:26:28.390 --> 00:26:31.900 is just not good like I wake up tired, groggy, 00:26:31.940 --> 00:26:34.420 I don't know where I am but it's like the minute 00:26:34.420 --> 00:26:36.259 I gain consciousness before I've even opened 00:26:36.259 --> 00:26:39.859 my eyes it's just this impending doom which is 00:26:39.859 --> 00:26:43.920 obviously not a good way to wake up um but I 00:26:43.920 --> 00:26:48.720 do it and I wake up and it's immediate where 00:26:48.720 --> 00:26:50.859 I wake up and I'm like okay so what where am 00:26:50.859 --> 00:26:54.380 I gonna get my dopamine now? Where's the dopamine 00:26:54.380 --> 00:26:59.539 gonna come from? Don't care. I don't care who 00:26:59.539 --> 00:27:02.259 wants to go first, but we are gonna have a lineup 00:27:02.259 --> 00:27:05.740 like that's my everyday where I every day I wake 00:27:05.740 --> 00:27:08.299 up and I'm like thinking about the dopamine that 00:27:08.299 --> 00:27:10.400 I'm gonna get that day and where it's gonna be 00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:17.940 from Um And it's not good. It's really bad. It's 00:27:17.940 --> 00:27:23.799 really actually really fucking bad um And there's 00:27:23.799 --> 00:27:26.480 it's just What's bad about it is that there are 00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:32.200 so many things Coming together to create this 00:27:32.200 --> 00:27:36.420 just conglomerate of of issues, but they're all 00:27:36.420 --> 00:27:38.079 Connected to dopamine, but it's just dopamine 00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:46.059 in different forms And there was a point I mean 00:27:46.059 --> 00:27:48.819 this is at some point in the last month or whatever 00:27:49.339 --> 00:27:52.039 where i was like okay i really need a crackdown 00:27:52.039 --> 00:27:58.539 on like not smoking marijuana so i was like let's 00:27:58.539 --> 00:28:01.200 not and because also for me it's the dopamine 00:28:01.200 --> 00:28:02.799 but also it's like when you get in the rhythm 00:28:02.799 --> 00:28:10.160 of doing it it for me it makes my baseline anxiety 00:28:10.160 --> 00:28:13.759 worse so then when i'm anxious i'm like what's 00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:18.500 gonna make me feel good but the more that i'm 00:28:18.500 --> 00:28:21.119 doing it the worst that I'm making my anxiety 00:28:21.119 --> 00:28:26.460 right so it's just a vicious cycle but um I was 00:28:26.460 --> 00:28:28.140 just I was it was getting to the it was like 00:28:28.140 --> 00:28:31.240 girl like you're about to go to like chill chill 00:28:31.240 --> 00:28:34.720 like just have a day just chill whatever so I 00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:36.220 was going through this period where I was like 00:28:36.220 --> 00:28:40.940 okay I'm not gonna smork weed but if I do want 00:28:40.940 --> 00:28:44.259 to smoke and I'm feeling the urge to smoke something 00:28:45.279 --> 00:28:49.940 I'll smoke something else. I'm like crack. No, 00:28:49.960 --> 00:28:57.579 just kidding um, but I Had access to cigarettes 00:28:57.579 --> 00:29:01.440 they were not mine They were not mine, but I 00:29:01.440 --> 00:29:06.359 had access and so Y 'all this is I think the 00:29:06.359 --> 00:29:08.619 first time in my life like whenever this happened 00:29:08.619 --> 00:29:11.380 It was my first time having a sober cigarette 00:29:11.380 --> 00:29:15.220 because I don't even really Mean I've tapped 00:29:15.220 --> 00:29:17.759 more into it recently, but usually when I'm drunk 00:29:17.759 --> 00:29:19.759 and I'm out and I'm offered a cigarette I will 00:29:19.759 --> 00:29:23.240 say no because I like a vape give me the technology 00:29:23.240 --> 00:29:29.559 give me the iPad like Give me the blueberry Sour 00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:33.799 rosé like give me the vape. Okay, I don't want 00:29:33.799 --> 00:29:40.259 a cigarette but These in these past few weeks 00:29:40.259 --> 00:29:44.829 I had two instances where I had smoked a sober 00:29:44.829 --> 00:29:47.829 cigarette I had two sober cigarettes and they 00:29:47.829 --> 00:29:51.730 were a week apart from each other I had one and 00:29:51.730 --> 00:29:54.890 then I didn't for a week and then I had another 00:29:54.890 --> 00:30:00.529 one but I mean also I quickly realized girl just 00:30:00.529 --> 00:30:05.930 don't do that like there are pros and cons to 00:30:05.930 --> 00:30:12.309 every drug but I think there are more cons Don't 00:30:12.309 --> 00:30:14.309 know I don't know there there are definitely 00:30:14.309 --> 00:30:19.809 the physical Repercussions of cigarettes are 00:30:19.809 --> 00:30:21.869 far worse than the physical repercussions of 00:30:21.869 --> 00:30:26.789 weed as far as like mental stuff and like motivation 00:30:26.789 --> 00:30:29.269 and dopamine and blah blah blah blah blah weed 00:30:29.269 --> 00:30:33.430 is honestly At least for me. It is not good if 00:30:33.430 --> 00:30:38.339 you're already baseline like not that motivated 00:30:38.339 --> 00:30:41.619 or if you have low dopamine from ADD or whatever, 00:30:41.920 --> 00:30:45.720 if you have low mood, the marijuana will make 00:30:45.720 --> 00:30:50.279 it worse. Okay, okay, we don't want to wake it 00:30:50.279 --> 00:30:51.960 up because I literally was talking to a friend 00:30:51.960 --> 00:30:55.500 about this but like Frank Ocean's grandma went 00:30:55.500 --> 00:30:59.039 in that song when she's like oh weed makes you 00:30:59.039 --> 00:31:02.380 unproductive and lazy and unconcerned and sluggish 00:31:02.750 --> 00:31:06.049 She was not fucking wrong. And I'm sick of y 00:31:06.049 --> 00:31:07.950 'all trying to act like she was wrong. She was 00:31:07.950 --> 00:31:11.329 right. Everything that she said was 100 % right. 00:31:11.369 --> 00:31:17.009 But anyways, I think I realized, okay, like sure, 00:31:17.089 --> 00:31:20.990 we're not smoking and, you know, getting high 00:31:20.990 --> 00:31:23.390 and like laying around for hours and being unproductive, 00:31:23.450 --> 00:31:27.710 but you are like killing your body. So let's 00:31:27.710 --> 00:31:31.829 not do that. But the problem was that had these 00:31:31.829 --> 00:31:33.230 two instances where I smoked these cigarettes 00:31:33.230 --> 00:31:36.650 and one of the times I was like sitting and I 00:31:36.650 --> 00:31:38.890 was listening to Bad Habit by Steve Lacey and 00:31:38.890 --> 00:31:42.190 I was smoking the cigarette and I had a few long 00:31:42.190 --> 00:31:46.589 drags and I caught a little buzz and I was like 00:31:46.589 --> 00:31:53.049 oh wait this is I was like oh yeah I see how 00:31:53.049 --> 00:31:55.930 people get addicted this this feels good yeah 00:31:55.930 --> 00:32:02.970 yeah yeah that feels good yeah Like what? What? 00:32:03.569 --> 00:32:07.009 It actually felt really nice, but then you know 00:32:07.009 --> 00:32:10.230 you get your buzz then it goes away, and then 00:32:10.230 --> 00:32:14.450 you're like oh Then it's like now my fingers 00:32:14.450 --> 00:32:16.849 stink and my breath stinks and everything stinks, 00:32:16.890 --> 00:32:22.089 and I'm disgusting But yeah, I had those two 00:32:22.089 --> 00:32:25.230 instances where literally I was just in that 00:32:25.230 --> 00:32:29.440 moment. I was like I need Dopamine like I need 00:32:29.440 --> 00:32:38.480 some form of dopamine And y 'all it's like I 00:32:38.480 --> 00:32:41.259 Mean these addictions and these like whatever 00:32:41.259 --> 00:32:44.940 like it's bleeding into every aspect of my life 00:32:44.940 --> 00:32:48.839 like I'm so addicted to my phone which everyone 00:32:48.839 --> 00:32:51.180 is at this point like unless you're just not 00:32:51.180 --> 00:32:53.380 like unless you're just like that much better 00:32:53.380 --> 00:32:57.279 than everyone else like most people are to some 00:32:57.279 --> 00:33:00.140 degree addicted to their phone and It's to the 00:33:00.140 --> 00:33:03.420 point where like my phone is now boring to me 00:33:03.420 --> 00:33:05.960 like because it's just not enough dopamine like 00:33:05.960 --> 00:33:13.779 I'm bored I will be on YouTube fully bored I 00:33:13.779 --> 00:33:16.579 Also, just think that's like YouTube just isn't 00:33:16.579 --> 00:33:18.640 as fun. It's YouTube is just not what it used 00:33:18.640 --> 00:33:22.430 to be me thinks like there used to be just Really 00:33:22.430 --> 00:33:24.509 good creators and really good content and I feel 00:33:24.509 --> 00:33:27.089 like it's kind of dwindled down But like still 00:33:27.089 --> 00:33:30.609 it's really bad. Like I can't even I will try 00:33:30.609 --> 00:33:33.769 to sit down and watch a YouTube video Okay, we're 00:33:33.769 --> 00:33:36.309 not even talking shows or movies. I will try 00:33:36.309 --> 00:33:39.809 to watch a YouTube video and literally I Get 00:33:39.809 --> 00:33:41.930 10 seconds in and I'm like, okay. I'm not I'm 00:33:41.930 --> 00:33:43.829 not sucked in I'm not immediately interested. 00:33:43.829 --> 00:33:46.430 I can't do this. Like I don't care and then I'm 00:33:46.430 --> 00:33:51.309 like on tik -tok like Like I just need the quick 00:33:53.080 --> 00:33:57.400 fucking dopamine like that's a problem but luckily 00:33:57.400 --> 00:34:00.420 I did delete TikTok off of my phone a couple 00:34:00.420 --> 00:34:04.819 days ago which is good which is good I'm making 00:34:04.819 --> 00:34:07.339 some sort of effort to get it under control because 00:34:07.339 --> 00:34:15.340 the other day I woke up at 8 and I for me what 00:34:15.340 --> 00:34:19.610 I always try to do is I keep my phone like across 00:34:19.610 --> 00:34:22.570 the room so that I make myself get up and have 00:34:22.570 --> 00:34:24.929 to walk over to my phone whatever age -old trick 00:34:24.929 --> 00:34:30.710 but because I don't have any discipline and because 00:34:30.710 --> 00:34:33.369 I'm like oh wait I'm the adult here like no one 00:34:33.369 --> 00:34:35.510 can tell me to do anything I will most of the 00:34:35.510 --> 00:34:38.449 time just like wake up walk across my phone walk 00:34:38.449 --> 00:34:41.489 across my room get to my phone and either turn 00:34:41.489 --> 00:34:43.730 my alarm off or I'll hit snooze and I'll go to 00:34:43.730 --> 00:34:52.269 bed um So, cause I wake up and I'm like, I'm 00:34:52.269 --> 00:34:54.789 tired, but it's like, yeah girl, you're gonna 00:34:54.789 --> 00:34:56.590 feel tired because you've just been ripped out 00:34:56.590 --> 00:34:59.449 of your sleep. Give yourself literally 20 seconds 00:34:59.449 --> 00:35:01.570 to like gain consciousness and you'll probably 00:35:01.570 --> 00:35:03.889 feel fine. But I usually don't allow myself that 00:35:03.889 --> 00:35:06.590 chance, but sometimes I'll wake up and I'm like, 00:35:06.610 --> 00:35:08.230 okay, let me just scroll on my phone. Like let 00:35:08.230 --> 00:35:10.469 me, that'll wake me up, you know, to just like 00:35:10.469 --> 00:35:12.789 do something. And it's like, I should probably 00:35:12.789 --> 00:35:16.869 do something else, but I got up at eight and 00:35:16.869 --> 00:35:19.829 I, Walked over to my phone took my phone was 00:35:19.829 --> 00:35:22.570 like, let me scroll to wake up. I scrolled for 00:35:22.570 --> 00:35:28.070 two hours On tik -tok on Twitter various various 00:35:28.070 --> 00:35:33.289 things but like two hours y 'all And that's not 00:35:33.289 --> 00:35:37.150 even as bad as it could be but like that is ridiculous 00:35:37.150 --> 00:35:41.269 it makes me really angry because It's like I 00:35:41.269 --> 00:35:47.750 work a good amount of time and so Especially 00:35:47.750 --> 00:35:49.829 this past year. I think I've talked about this 00:35:49.829 --> 00:35:54.530 with me like turning 23 and whatever I am becoming 00:35:54.530 --> 00:36:01.530 painfully aware of time passing and So it's making 00:36:01.530 --> 00:36:04.730 My phone addiction and my dopamine addiction 00:36:04.730 --> 00:36:06.949 and all these different things that much more 00:36:06.949 --> 00:36:10.630 frustrating to where I'm like This is really 00:36:10.630 --> 00:36:14.320 bothering me and I really need to get it Under 00:36:14.320 --> 00:36:16.860 control. Oh my god. Sorry. There's a like rat 00:36:16.860 --> 00:36:20.199 across the street that was moving in a very weird 00:36:20.199 --> 00:36:24.260 way It almost looked like computer -generated. 00:36:24.320 --> 00:36:32.679 I did not like that No, it's it's making My newfound 00:36:32.679 --> 00:36:37.059 like realization or just like my newfound awareness 00:36:37.059 --> 00:36:40.400 of time passing is making these things that I'm 00:36:40.400 --> 00:36:43.909 dealing with that much more frustrating for me, 00:36:43.909 --> 00:36:48.250 which I think is good because it's the fact that 00:36:48.250 --> 00:36:50.829 it's bothering me and it's frustrating me means 00:36:50.829 --> 00:36:52.650 it's something that I really want to change and 00:36:52.650 --> 00:36:59.289 that I will change. But yeah, it's just like. 00:37:02.349 --> 00:37:05.750 The girl, the days are going to keep passing 00:37:05.750 --> 00:37:09.409 and they're not going to move any slower and. 00:37:09.829 --> 00:37:12.130 I really cannot sit up here and wake up and, 00:37:12.130 --> 00:37:13.969 like, scroll on my phone for two hours. Like, 00:37:14.210 --> 00:37:18.030 I just can't. And maybe every now and then, you 00:37:18.030 --> 00:37:20.909 know? I'm not saying you can never do it, but 00:37:20.909 --> 00:37:23.929 for every day to be dedicating, minimum! That's 00:37:23.929 --> 00:37:27.349 just in the morning. Two hours? It's like, bitch, 00:37:27.429 --> 00:37:29.190 I could be reading. I could be, like, learning 00:37:29.190 --> 00:37:31.159 a fucking language. I could be, like... learning 00:37:31.159 --> 00:37:34.460 crocheting i could be doing literally anything 00:37:34.460 --> 00:37:38.699 else that is productive or that is making me 00:37:38.699 --> 00:37:40.760 learn something or causing me to fucking grow 00:37:40.760 --> 00:37:43.460 i could be doing anything else but instead i'm 00:37:43.460 --> 00:37:49.960 on fucking tiktok with my little primate brain 00:37:49.960 --> 00:37:54.519 like scrolling through fucking stupid shit that 00:37:54.519 --> 00:37:57.019 by the way i'm literally not going to remember 00:37:57.019 --> 00:38:01.449 in 12 minutes Like, that's the crazy part about 00:38:01.449 --> 00:38:04.170 it. It's like, okay, sure it's entertaining, 00:38:04.690 --> 00:38:08.510 but ask me about literally any of it. Ask me 00:38:08.510 --> 00:38:12.329 to recall one TikTok and I could not. And that's 00:38:12.329 --> 00:38:15.250 really, really scary. Like it's just getting 00:38:15.250 --> 00:38:17.449 to the point where I'm like, I need to preserve 00:38:17.449 --> 00:38:23.389 my fucking brain. Like I need to allow it to 00:38:23.389 --> 00:38:25.869 flourish. especially if I want to do all these 00:38:25.869 --> 00:38:28.650 things like I want to learn fucking Spanish and 00:38:28.650 --> 00:38:30.630 I want to learn Portuguese and I want to do all 00:38:30.630 --> 00:38:31.869 this I want to learn to crochet I want to do 00:38:31.869 --> 00:38:34.409 this girl you can't do all that if your brain 00:38:34.409 --> 00:38:39.409 is fucking mush so that's just what I'm realizing 00:38:39.409 --> 00:38:43.010 and it's it's hard it is hard I think it it's 00:38:43.010 --> 00:38:47.349 really hard especially like living under capitalism 00:38:47.349 --> 00:38:52.920 because people are just so fucking worn out and 00:38:52.920 --> 00:38:57.559 honestly burnt out and just like Moving and operating 00:38:57.559 --> 00:39:01.940 through burnt out in this But it's like after 00:39:01.940 --> 00:39:06.219 a long day at work It's super easy to just unlock 00:39:06.219 --> 00:39:09.239 your phone and go on whatever social media app 00:39:09.239 --> 00:39:16.400 and scroll like it is You know It's easy and 00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:20.840 it feels like okay, I'm breathing and I'm just 00:39:20.840 --> 00:39:22.960 Winding down whatever but it's like you're actually 00:39:22.960 --> 00:39:25.679 it's the opposite of winding down you're just 00:39:25.679 --> 00:39:29.539 like fucking riling yourself up and Like I feel 00:39:29.539 --> 00:39:31.380 like the amount of times I go on social media 00:39:31.380 --> 00:39:34.360 to like wind down or decompress and then I'm 00:39:34.360 --> 00:39:37.420 just like What causes me to end up getting off 00:39:37.420 --> 00:39:39.320 of it is just because I see some shit that pisses 00:39:39.320 --> 00:39:42.380 me off and then I'm just like angry Like that 00:39:42.380 --> 00:39:45.599 was me with Twitter for a while and I was off 00:39:45.599 --> 00:39:49.619 Twitter Genuinely, I think like all of this year. 00:39:50.400 --> 00:39:53.599 I Want to say or most of this year? I don't remember 00:39:53.599 --> 00:39:55.519 when I deleted Twitter, but I deleted Twitter 00:39:55.519 --> 00:40:02.280 for a while I did not have it because I Would 00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:04.199 notice like it would be the first thing usually 00:40:04.199 --> 00:40:08.480 that I would scroll on when I would wake up and 00:40:08.670 --> 00:40:10.369 It would be funny whatever, but then I would 00:40:10.369 --> 00:40:12.469 see some shit to just piss me off I would see 00:40:12.469 --> 00:40:14.630 some just like dumb relationship discourse or 00:40:14.630 --> 00:40:18.610 I would see Sexism or I would see like racism 00:40:18.610 --> 00:40:22.510 or you know, whatever and then it was just like 00:40:22.510 --> 00:40:26.630 I would just be upset and I was like not enjoying 00:40:26.630 --> 00:40:34.329 like being into like I That's not fun right like 00:40:34.329 --> 00:40:38.519 Twitter is and I mean I have redownloaded it. 00:40:40.260 --> 00:40:47.340 I redownloaded it maybe... I don't even know, 00:40:47.420 --> 00:40:49.420 y 'all. Time is blurring. I think I've had it 00:40:49.420 --> 00:40:52.380 maybe for like a month again. And I'm having 00:40:52.380 --> 00:40:55.239 fun right now. I am. I am. Because I deleted 00:40:55.239 --> 00:40:58.579 it, one, because I was seeing shit that was making 00:40:58.579 --> 00:41:02.119 me angry, but also I deleted it around, I think, 00:41:02.219 --> 00:41:06.659 the time where Elon Musk got ahold of it. and 00:41:06.659 --> 00:41:09.380 I was just noticing I was seeing so much more 00:41:09.380 --> 00:41:14.920 like conservative like shit and I think he had 00:41:14.920 --> 00:41:17.139 something to do with it because it was literally 00:41:17.139 --> 00:41:19.239 all of a sudden like out of nowhere I was just 00:41:19.239 --> 00:41:21.360 seeing so much shit that was just like not aligning 00:41:21.360 --> 00:41:23.340 with anything that I had ever like interacted 00:41:23.340 --> 00:41:28.340 with or whatever seeing just a lot of like misogynists 00:41:28.340 --> 00:41:30.719 and I was like I can't I can't like and mind 00:41:30.719 --> 00:41:32.619 you before that I'm doing not interested not 00:41:32.619 --> 00:41:34.139 interested not interested trying to like curate 00:41:34.139 --> 00:41:36.730 my feed and it just wasn't working So deleted 00:41:36.730 --> 00:41:39.449 it for months. I redownloaded it and shit just 00:41:39.449 --> 00:41:41.750 kind of went back to normal. Like, it's cool, 00:41:41.829 --> 00:41:44.050 it's, you know, what I was expecting before, 00:41:44.050 --> 00:41:46.670 whatever. And so I've been on it and I've been 00:41:46.670 --> 00:41:49.269 having a lot of fun, but you just have to be 00:41:49.269 --> 00:41:51.849 careful. And like genuinely, it's so annoying, 00:41:52.429 --> 00:41:55.489 but it really is that damn fucking phone. It 00:41:55.489 --> 00:41:59.789 really is that phone. And social media is the 00:41:59.789 --> 00:42:04.980 devil. It's not good. And I feel like I'm always 00:42:04.980 --> 00:42:08.780 feel better when i'm on social media less like 00:42:08.780 --> 00:42:13.619 i do because i'm a chronic comparer and it's 00:42:13.619 --> 00:42:15.099 something that i'm working on i don't really 00:42:15.099 --> 00:42:20.739 know how to stop but it's it's what you can do 00:42:20.739 --> 00:42:23.079 if you are someone who compares yourself heavily 00:42:23.079 --> 00:42:25.579 to other people instead of just like you know 00:42:25.579 --> 00:42:28.320 not doing that anymore which is like like i said 00:42:28.320 --> 00:42:30.820 don't know how you do that when i when i figure 00:42:30.820 --> 00:42:34.699 it out i'll let you know but just get rid of 00:42:34.699 --> 00:42:37.760 social media, and then you just have less people 00:42:37.760 --> 00:42:41.480 to compare yourself to. Like, it's really that 00:42:41.480 --> 00:42:44.579 fucking simple. Because I will be on TikTok, 00:42:44.840 --> 00:42:48.820 Instagram, whatever, seeing any beautiful person 00:42:48.820 --> 00:42:52.760 or any person that's successful, and God forbid, 00:42:52.900 --> 00:42:54.960 oh my God, don't let them be younger than me. 00:42:56.059 --> 00:42:59.280 If I see someone who's 20, like out here doing 00:42:59.280 --> 00:43:02.659 shit and like fame, like anything, I'm like, 00:43:02.619 --> 00:43:06.280 Oh, okay, so I'm a fucking useless pig and I'm 00:43:06.280 --> 00:43:10.800 never gonna amount to anything Like that's me, 00:43:10.940 --> 00:43:16.699 that's me though like But social media is so 00:43:16.699 --> 00:43:21.099 bad like And we're seeing all the effects of 00:43:21.099 --> 00:43:23.019 this right now, but it's just genuinely when 00:43:23.019 --> 00:43:25.360 you think about it Like there has never been 00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:29.900 a time in human history where you can see what 00:43:29.900 --> 00:43:33.110 this many people like what you can see where 00:43:33.110 --> 00:43:38.530 what anyone is doing at any given time it's too 00:43:38.530 --> 00:43:44.489 fucking much i should not know and mind you i 00:43:44.489 --> 00:43:47.650 love an instagram story i'd be using the fuck 00:43:47.650 --> 00:43:49.949 out of my stories but it's like i should not 00:43:49.949 --> 00:43:52.369 be able to like look on someone's story and see 00:43:52.369 --> 00:43:54.789 that you're at fucking hibachi like that's none 00:43:54.789 --> 00:43:58.400 of my business but we live in a world where it's 00:43:58.400 --> 00:44:00.559 like you can go online and see what your friends 00:44:00.559 --> 00:44:02.860 are doing and oh y 'all were at this party and 00:44:02.860 --> 00:44:05.059 I wasn't there and this and that it's just it's 00:44:05.059 --> 00:44:16.159 literally too much it's too much and I've been 00:44:16.159 --> 00:44:19.949 we're kind of like We're going going at other 00:44:19.949 --> 00:44:22.469 topics here, but I've been on my like dating 00:44:22.469 --> 00:44:25.570 era recently and by dating era I mean I've gone 00:44:25.570 --> 00:44:28.849 on two dates in the past two weeks which is a 00:44:28.849 --> 00:44:31.849 fucking lot for me because genuinely before these 00:44:31.849 --> 00:44:35.929 two dates the last date that I went on was literally 00:44:35.929 --> 00:44:40.150 a Year ago over a year ago when I first moved 00:44:40.150 --> 00:44:44.130 to New York Because usually what I'll do is I'll 00:44:44.130 --> 00:44:46.530 just I'll go on a date it'll be bad and then 00:44:46.530 --> 00:44:49.920 I just give up and I'm like I don't want to do 00:44:49.920 --> 00:44:53.219 this anymore and then I will go into hibernation 00:44:53.219 --> 00:44:56.219 for a year like genuinely not an over exaggeration 00:44:56.219 --> 00:45:00.659 have done that on multiple occasions um but have 00:45:00.659 --> 00:45:03.679 tapped in gone on a couple dates but anyways 00:45:03.679 --> 00:45:07.719 went on these dates with this person this man 00:45:07.719 --> 00:45:14.500 who is genuinely the most chronically offline 00:45:14.500 --> 00:45:20.849 person I've ever met in my entire life um is 00:45:20.849 --> 00:45:24.989 not on he's on instagram but no other social 00:45:24.989 --> 00:45:28.949 media doesn't even really watch tv like literally 00:45:28.949 --> 00:45:31.250 just like reads books and like he also doesn't 00:45:31.250 --> 00:45:35.690 live in the united states so there's that um 00:45:35.690 --> 00:45:41.730 but like just like hikes and like Bikes and reads 00:45:41.730 --> 00:45:45.230 and like just like does actual shit in his free 00:45:45.230 --> 00:45:51.690 time and talking to him made me Feel like a moron 00:45:51.690 --> 00:45:54.150 number one, but number two it really gave me 00:45:54.150 --> 00:45:56.289 motivation to where I was like I have to just 00:45:56.289 --> 00:46:00.590 get my life together like Y 'all ever go on a 00:46:00.590 --> 00:46:03.329 date and you're like, whoa, I have got to get 00:46:03.329 --> 00:46:07.610 my shit together Like to meet someone who was 00:46:07.610 --> 00:46:15.250 so Tapped out of just like frivolous shit, and 00:46:15.250 --> 00:46:18.489 I'm not saying I'm not saying it's all bad like 00:46:18.489 --> 00:46:22.670 I I like pop culture I love I love stupid shit. 00:46:22.670 --> 00:46:26.090 I love reality TV. I love whatever I love like 00:46:26.090 --> 00:46:29.650 I'm 23 like I want a fucking joke about stupid 00:46:29.650 --> 00:46:32.610 shit like you know like my sense of humor is 00:46:32.610 --> 00:46:36.550 very like Don't like it's dumb. It's dumb. I'm 00:46:36.550 --> 00:46:40.219 not I'm not saying you can't have fun But it 00:46:40.219 --> 00:46:45.239 did really motivate me to, like, get a little 00:46:45.239 --> 00:46:49.440 bit offline, you know? Like, I am pretty privy 00:46:49.440 --> 00:46:51.920 to memes and meme culture and whatever, and that's 00:46:51.920 --> 00:46:55.179 cool. But it is also cool to, like, be a real 00:46:55.179 --> 00:46:57.420 person and, like, go outside and touch grass 00:46:57.420 --> 00:47:01.260 and talk to people and, like, not just have a 00:47:01.260 --> 00:47:07.000 fucking rotting brain in your skull. Like, that's 00:47:07.000 --> 00:47:29.919 also really cool. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 00:47:31.960 --> 00:47:34.500 Have to get up and get out but also it is just 00:47:34.500 --> 00:47:37.300 like it is living in capitalism like let's circle 00:47:37.300 --> 00:47:40.400 back It is just like, you know, it's hard like 00:47:40.400 --> 00:47:44.360 it's really hard And it's something that I'm 00:47:44.360 --> 00:47:48.039 trying to grapple with and just like like I'm 00:47:48.039 --> 00:47:51.800 like damn this is adulting like I Get home from 00:47:51.800 --> 00:47:54.420 a night shift and it's like 10. I'm on the train 00:47:54.420 --> 00:47:56.900 and I'm like I will get these random kind of 00:47:56.900 --> 00:48:00.860 like bursts of energy and I'm like, ooh, I could 00:48:00.860 --> 00:48:03.260 go home and I could draw or I could read or I 00:48:03.260 --> 00:48:05.239 could, you know, do this. And then I get home 00:48:05.239 --> 00:48:10.920 and I eat dinner and I'm like, mmm, mmm, I think 00:48:10.920 --> 00:48:14.719 I'm just gonna schmoke and go on Twitter and 00:48:14.719 --> 00:48:17.719 see what people are talking about. Like, that's 00:48:17.719 --> 00:48:21.320 all I have the energy for, but I think also it 00:48:21.320 --> 00:48:26.079 really is just about like, like you're not always 00:48:26.079 --> 00:48:28.460 gonna have the motivation to do shit. and that's 00:48:28.460 --> 00:48:30.420 just kind of what i'm realizing like you just 00:48:30.420 --> 00:48:33.179 kind of have to do shit sometimes even when you 00:48:33.179 --> 00:48:37.179 really don't fucking feel like it because you're 00:48:37.179 --> 00:48:39.039 probably gonna feel better after you do it and 00:48:39.039 --> 00:48:41.280 you're gonna get some dopamine you're gonna get 00:48:41.280 --> 00:48:44.960 some actual like real life like hard earned like 00:48:44.960 --> 00:48:48.340 you mind you mind for that dopamine instead of 00:48:48.340 --> 00:48:52.739 just having it drop from the sky you know like 00:48:52.739 --> 00:48:54.659 i think you just have to do it because that's 00:48:54.659 --> 00:48:58.789 also like You know, I don't know if I've really 00:48:58.789 --> 00:49:05.190 talked much about me and like art but like I've 00:49:05.190 --> 00:49:08.829 always been an artiste. I've always been like 00:49:08.829 --> 00:49:12.309 a creative person like, you know most children 00:49:12.309 --> 00:49:16.070 like draw and do shit, but I always loved making 00:49:16.070 --> 00:49:20.230 art whatever that looked like for me and All 00:49:20.230 --> 00:49:22.090 throughout high school. I was taking art classes 00:49:22.090 --> 00:49:24.829 and I was like Really into art. I used to like 00:49:24.829 --> 00:49:32.210 want to be an artist as a job And then I met 00:49:32.210 --> 00:49:36.630 this really cool Individual named depression, 00:49:37.269 --> 00:49:44.409 honey And I was like, oh just kind of like lost 00:49:44.409 --> 00:49:48.900 all not only motivation but like Just did not 00:49:48.900 --> 00:49:51.199 enjoy it anymore, which obviously sucks because 00:49:51.199 --> 00:49:53.860 it's like wait. I've enjoyed this for many many 00:49:53.860 --> 00:49:56.280 years Why do I not like this? Like wait, this 00:49:56.280 --> 00:49:57.800 is actually something I like. Why don't I like 00:49:57.800 --> 00:50:00.300 it? Like I want to like it Why don't I like it 00:50:00.300 --> 00:50:05.400 and sometimes that happens? And it's been something 00:50:05.400 --> 00:50:08.239 that I've been trying to tap back into for years 00:50:08.239 --> 00:50:15.550 like Yeah, it's been a good five years five, 00:50:15.650 --> 00:50:18.329 six, seven years where I've just been like trying 00:50:18.329 --> 00:50:20.769 to tab back into this thing that I like used 00:50:20.769 --> 00:50:23.869 to love and I used to just like do for hours 00:50:23.869 --> 00:50:29.289 on end and it gave me so much joy. And so yeah, 00:50:29.349 --> 00:50:31.150 I feel like I'm often just like, I don't feel 00:50:31.150 --> 00:50:34.590 like drawing like I don't want to, but I think 00:50:34.590 --> 00:50:36.329 sometimes you just have to force yourself to 00:50:36.329 --> 00:50:39.809 do it and like the couple times that I have like 00:50:39.809 --> 00:50:43.190 sat down and made art like. yeah usually for 00:50:43.190 --> 00:50:45.170 the first 10 minutes i'm like i fucking hate 00:50:45.170 --> 00:50:48.269 this this looks like shit i don't care i'm bored 00:50:48.269 --> 00:50:51.989 but then you do hit like a point where it's like 00:50:51.989 --> 00:50:55.690 oh maybe this is kind of fun like maybe i am 00:50:55.690 --> 00:51:01.469 enjoying myself so i don't know it's just hard 00:51:01.469 --> 00:51:07.460 life is fucking hard and that's just That's why 00:51:07.460 --> 00:51:10.059 I've been away. I've just been dealing with this 00:51:10.059 --> 00:51:14.199 shit. Like, try to just fucking find my rhythm 00:51:14.199 --> 00:51:17.719 again. Like, I'll be doing really good and, like, 00:51:17.880 --> 00:51:20.199 really consistent with things and, like, really 00:51:20.199 --> 00:51:22.900 just feeling like I got it. And then it just 00:51:22.900 --> 00:51:25.539 takes one little thing to just throw everything 00:51:25.539 --> 00:51:27.380 off fucking kilter, and then all of a sudden 00:51:27.380 --> 00:51:33.300 I'm, like, just a mess, like, slob, like... like 00:51:33.300 --> 00:51:36.699 can't even see my floor. I'm like crawling out 00:51:36.699 --> 00:51:39.639 of my room. Like I have a beard to the fucking 00:51:39.639 --> 00:51:43.139 floor. Like haven't seen sunlight in days. And 00:51:43.139 --> 00:51:45.800 it's like, wait, what happened? What happened, 00:51:45.800 --> 00:51:53.519 girl? You were doing so good. But yeah, I don't 00:51:53.519 --> 00:51:59.639 know. I want to stop dopamine maxing. I really 00:51:59.639 --> 00:52:01.610 want to stop. I had a really good day. today 00:52:01.610 --> 00:52:07.730 though i did not indulge nothing went into my 00:52:07.730 --> 00:52:11.289 lungs except for oxygen and i went to the gym 00:52:11.289 --> 00:52:15.469 um i also started my hair tonight which i took 00:52:15.469 --> 00:52:19.869 a break from it to record this but um clean my 00:52:19.869 --> 00:52:23.750 room like i did some shit and i i felt and i 00:52:23.750 --> 00:52:27.210 feel really good um and i'm excited to get a 00:52:27.210 --> 00:52:31.139 nice like clear night of rest And so sometimes 00:52:31.139 --> 00:52:34.099 it really just does take like a few days to just 00:52:34.099 --> 00:52:37.500 like fucking fuck your life up and be a mess 00:52:37.500 --> 00:52:40.280 and Be like I'm not gonna come back from this 00:52:40.280 --> 00:52:41.900 and then you just have one day that's like productive 00:52:41.900 --> 00:52:44.139 and it's like, oh wait I actually do have full 00:52:44.139 --> 00:52:48.719 control over my life, you know, like I am in 00:52:48.719 --> 00:52:56.659 the driver's seat So Yeah I hope this was enjoyable. 00:52:57.619 --> 00:53:02.889 I hope I hope, I hope someone relates. I hope 00:53:02.889 --> 00:53:08.789 this was like at all affirming or like cool to 00:53:08.789 --> 00:53:12.389 listen to. I don't fucking know. I don't know. 00:53:14.969 --> 00:53:24.250 I don't know. Get off my back. Anyways, I, hopefully 00:53:24.250 --> 00:53:31.539 I, I'm gonna. be consistent with this again um 00:53:31.539 --> 00:53:34.579 because it's so fun i love talking to myself 00:53:34.579 --> 00:53:38.639 but yeah thank you guys for listening hope you 00:53:38.639 --> 00:53:43.179 enjoyed i will see you or i guess not see you 00:53:43.179 --> 00:53:46.639 you will hear me in the next episode bye