Hi guys, welcome to episode four of the Almost
Living Podcast. I am your host, Kaylyn, and today
is very exciting. This is the New York City episode
because today, the day that this episode drops,
is my year anniversary of having lived in New
York, which is fucking insane, and I feel like
it deserves its whole episode. I wanted to just
talk at length about my move, how I planned to
do it, how it is, self -reflection, like over
the course of this past year, because I feel
like I've mentioned this before, but I have aged
like five years mentally since living here and
I just wanted to talk about it. So let's jump
into it. I have literally two pages of notes.
I have shit I have to fucking cover. So a bit
of backstory about me. I have military parents.
So growing up, I used to move around a lot. I
moved like every year or two up until like the
fifth grade. So I feel like that kind of just
that tidbit about me really has instilled something
in me where I'm just like, I'm very nomadic,
you know, like I never want to be in one place.
For a long time like I want to travel. I want
to see the world I don't see myself just like
living somewhere and just like being there So
there is that and I also I always had an interest
in living in New York From a pretty early age.
I had like visited and come, you know a few times
like throughout my life with family um and it
was always cool fun and then i feel like i was
just kind of like wow like i just want to experience
this at some point and when i was younger i had
a very you know when i had no concept of money
i was like i want to live in manhattan and live
in a you know have floor to ceiling windows and
blah blah blah and it's like well that's not
gonna happen probably um but you know got older
there's sirens i'm sorry got older do i pause
Let's pause. Period. Sorry. Got older, still
was like, yeah, this is something that I want
to do. Went to college. I did two years of college.
I took a gap year and then I went back and then
just kind of like soft launched a dropout. um
and just like stopped going to class um so never
graduated um and i remember this was june of
last year i remember my lease was about to be
up at the place that i was staying at and i was
just kind of like what what are we doing here
you know what are the vibes because When I was
going to school, it was like, okay, I'm here
for school. But now that I'm not in school anymore,
I just kind of started to feel like there was
no reason for me to be in Virginia. And I was
about to sign a lease with my friends and then
I was like, like, I don't really think I want
to be here for another year. So to where, cause
at that point I was like starting to think about
wanting to move here, but I was like, I could
sign this lease and work and save, but I would
be here for a fucking another year. And then
it's also like, how much money could I save?
You know, if I'm paying for rent and like just
all of those things. So I was like. It looks
like we're going to have to do the thing that
I really don't want to do and that is move back
in with my parents, which so privileged and so
lucky that they let me do that. So I moved home
and I stayed with my mom for like maybe a month
until she kicked me the fuck out of her house
over a very small disagreement. Then I moved
in with my dad who lived maybe 40 minutes from
her. I started working, I got, I started, I worked
at Amazon delivering packages. And then I also
worked at a restaurant as a host. Amazon was
fucking grim, delivering packages for eight to
10 hours a day. Not for me. It was the most physically
demanding job I've ever had. It was terrible.
So I was doing both of them for a little while.
Towards the end, I booted the Amazon and just
did the restaurant. So yeah, it was around June
when I moved in with my parents and I knew in
my mind, um, I was just thinking about it and
I was like, okay, I want to be here or I want
to be out of here before Halloween because I'm
not spending my Halloween here. Um, so that was
the goal. Um, and I would just, I was just working,
um, from June to October when I ended up moving,
I was just working, working multiple jobs because
like I said, I worked with, I was at my mom's
house. She kicked me out. Then I moved in with
my dad. So like I had jobs that I worked when
I was at my mom's house. She kicked me out. I
had to get new jobs, whatever. And I was just
really grinding. Like the goal was not really
to be enjoying life. The goal was just to be
working as much as I physically could. And you
know, putting you know paying for gas to get
to and from work paying for food and then everything
else was going straight into the savings shut
the fuck up everything else was going straight
into the savings um and i will say when i was
staying with my parents um and at home it was
one of the saddest darkest times of my life it
was just terrible i was fucking just so anxious,
so sad, so empty, so alone. I moved like, you
know, I was no longer surrounded by my best friends.
Like I didn't have all of my peers, you know,
within like a five mile radius. I felt like I
was behind. I felt kind of lost. I was just like,
you know, all of my, my local, my peers, my people
have, have graduated college. I have not, I dropped
out like, What the fuck am I doing? I'm living
with my parents. Like it was a dark, terrible,
terrible time. And all that I did during that
time was work and was research and like read
articles, look at Reddit and just see what people
were saying about how they were able to move
to New York, how much money they needed, et cetera,
et cetera. Like it was almost like a form of
escapism where I was just like trying to pretend
like this wasn't my life. And I was just like
You know just everything watching vlogs of people
living in New York like any bit of New York City
content I was eating it up because I was just
like I am so fucking miserable here anyone who's
ever like You know moved out of their parents
house and had to move back in you guys know how
it is. It's terrible. Um It's just terrible.
There's there's no really other way around it.
Um So yeah was working, was doing research, reading
every article I could about what I needed to
do to move to New York, what other people's experiences
were, yada, yada, yada. And now we're creeping
into September of last year. I had, you know,
money was starting to stack up and I was like,
okay, October's right around the corner. Let's
start looking for housing and you know job let's
let's do that whole thing because i was looking
kind of the whole time but i quickly realized
like looking way early really isn't super helpful
like things are very fast paced here and with
like housing and stuff it's like looking two
months three months in advance not really helpful
like people are going to post rooms and things
for like the coming weeks and you know the month
of sort of thing So yeah, started looking for
housing. I was personally looking on like Facebook
groups, which I would recommend if anyone is
like, I'm not, this isn't like, I don't know.
I guess this is like advice that I'm giving,
but more so just kind of like letting you know,
I don't know. Facebook groups are great. There
was one, the one that I have had success in,
I've found two rooms through there is it's called
like Young Females NYC. There's also like gypsy
housing and all sorts of things, you know, there
are many resources out there I was looking on
Facebook groups. I was also looking on Craigslist
for just like open rooms. That's another thing
definitely sublease When you are moving here,
that's kind of I feel like the only really option
like trying to find an apartment is Hell and
that's one thing that I feel like most people
know but like when you when I was starting to
really look into it, as far as just like, how
the fuck am I going to move to New York? Like,
apartments and housing is obviously one of the
biggest hurdles. And like, that's a bitch here.
Broker's fees and, you know, you got to make
40 times the rent and you got to it's it's just
a lot. And I was like, yeah, let's sublease.
Let's just find it. The easiest thing for me,
the easiest thing, I think, in general. find
an open room. You don't have to sign a lease.
You don't have to do it. And obviously, there's
risk in that. And that was also, I remember I
was talking to my stepdad, my stepdad and mom
who knew about this move. They were like, what?
You're just going to live with strangers? What
if they're serial killers? I was like, then what
if they are? That's kind of the only option.
I didn't know anyone before I moved here. Yeah,
so hence why I was in the young females Group
not that women can't be crazy or can't be evil
But I was like it's less likely that I'll get
like murdered or anything like that. Um So yeah,
anyways was looking on Facebook groups. I found
a room where I was like, okay The rent was looking
nice, you know was looking like something I could
afford it It looked fine. The girls seemed cool.
It was very much like, you know, what I was looking
for is terms in terms of like, oh, we're we'd
friendly and we're chill and whatever. I was
like, OK, amazing. So I wanted to go up, come
up and see it. And so I had a day off from, you
know, work at this restaurant that I was working
at. I took a bus up here and I saw the room and
checked it out. Did the room not have any access
to sunlight? Yes, it did. There was a window,
but it was all the way at the top of the room,
and it led into the bedroom of my roommate. So
it was just residual sunlight, like no actual
true sunlight. So yeah, knew that already, but
like... It was it was just it was getting to
the point I was just like I just need to find
something like I just need to get out of Virginia
because I am losing my fucking mind So saw it
I was like, okay cool, they were like, yeah we
the the girls that were living in this spot They
were like, yeah, we have some other people that
are interested in looking, but like we'll get
back to you as soon as possible. I was like,
okay, cool. I go back down to Virginia. I'm continuing
to work and I get a message a few days later
and they're like, hey, we want to let you know
that you got the room, bitch. I'm jumping for
joy. I'm fucking jumping for joy. Okay. So housing
is secured, right? The next thing is jobs obviously
so I had been looking at jobs I had been looking
on indeed and whatever the fuck and applying
and all of that the problem with trying to find
a job before you move here is that People are
gonna reach out to you and they're gonna want
to interview you and if you don't live here That
is obviously something that's very hard to do
So I quickly realized that as well when I was
doing the job search where I was getting people
reaching out but they were like oh you know can
we do you know this day at 11 30 and i'm like
um i actually am in virginia so that is going
to be really difficult i i very quickly realized
um it just wasn't gonna work for me like i could
not afford to go up and go down and go up and
go down for interviews um so towards the end
once i my housing and everything was secured
i was like I feel like I'm just gonna have to
move up there without a job and just figure it
out from there. Yeah. Yeah. And so yeah, we're
getting to, now we're at like the end of September
and I had a goal for what I wanted to, the amount
of money I wanted to save for my move. Because
like I said, I've been doing so much research.
I've been seeing everything and All of the a
lot of the resources and a lot of people will
tell you You need $10 ,000 if you want to move
to New York City some people even you need $20
,000 but like for me I feel like the number that
I was seeing a lot was like 10k I Was like I
was like June, July, September, I don't have
time. I am, I don't, I'm not gonna be able to
save $10 ,000. So my goal, I did the math, because
basically where, you know, people say that you
want to have two to three months worth of living
expenses to... Take with you to move here. Um,
so that covers rent that covers food that covers
whatever I Knew for myself. I I did like there's
there's so much and like none of this even really
matters, but like Your rent shouldn't be more
than a third of like your monthly income Right.
So if you're making four thousand dollars or
let's make this easy if you're making three thousand
dollars a month Your rent shouldn't be more than
a thousand dollars So I was doing a bunch of
math, doing calculations, having spreadsheets,
like whatever, just like seeing how much I could
afford in rent and whatever, whatever. I use
that amount and just guesstimations of like how
much I'll spend on food, how much I'll spend
on recreation, whatever, party, eat, whatever.
And I was like, okay, I calculated how much I
think I would be spending a month here. And I
was like, let's time that by two, three, whatever.
I don't even fucking remember. I just remember
my goal was five or six thousand dollars. By
the end of the month, by the end of September,
I did not make that goal. Didn't make it. And
I was kind of like, OK, I could stay for a little
bit longer, make a little bit more money. But
at that point, genuinely, I've experienced stress
before in my life, obviously. The amount of stress
and sadness and grief. I Literally was balding
and I'm still recovering. I was ball ding On
two points of my head from how fucking stressed
out I was I was like Anything would be better
than what I am experiencing right now. So I Knew
I didn't meet my the goal that I wanted but I
was like fuck it my housing secured at this point
I just need to go I just need to fucking go.
And I will say, it's so funny, like, because
I, you know, obviously was talking to people
in my life about this move and about whatever.
People will try to inject fear and doubt into
you because they themselves are scared and they
themselves don't have the gall or the balls to
make a big life. shift. And it was everyone in
my life. Everyone thought I was fucking insane.
My coworkers at this restaurant, you know, once
I got my room secured and whatever, I ended up
telling my manager like, Hey, I'm moving to New
York. Hey. And so I was like talking to my coworkers
and everything and they're all just like, Oh
my god, you're moving to New York? Like, you
know, it's expensive, right? Like, you don't
know anyone and you don't have a job and like
like people did not understand the concept of
like me wanting to move to New York and like
it's so funny too like people will be like oh
my god i could never i could not i would never
want to live there and it's like great good good
thing i didn't ask you good thing i'm not forcing
you to do anything um just like so many people
i remember i had this this person This like mutual
in that I like went to We they fucking in they
were a Virginia head In in my college town, but
they were like I remember I was like talking
to them about like, yeah I'm like thinking about
moving to New York like maybe next year whatever
Or was this this was maybe like I don't even
know I don't even know I was just like talking
about how I wanted to move to New York and they
were like Oh, you want to move to New York? Like,
you know, the economy is crazy. Like, how many
times have you been? Like, how often do you go?
I was like, who are you? Mind you, they're not
even from here. Like, why are you trying to gatekeep
New York City? I'm so, so sorry. It's also just
so funny like the you know, it's expensive right?
It's like yeah, that's kind of like the most
known thing about New York actually Yes, I do
know it's expensive. Thank you so much for letting
me know but yeah that is just like I Can't even
put into words How I was feeling before this
move because it's like obviously this is a huge
thing that I'm about to do like I've moved out
of my parents house and I went to college but
like That was, you know, two hours down the road.
I had my family there. I was going into this
experience with all these other people, going
into the same exact experience. This was my first
time moving as an adult by myself and trying
to work that out in my head and plan it while
also dealing with everyone in my life being like,
you want to move to New York? do you have a job
like it's like guys do you not think that i'm
not like also thinking about these things and
also like worried about these things like it
was so fucking scary and i i mean obviously believed
in myself and i'm just someone who like when
i want to do something i don't give a fuck there's
nothing anyone can say to me like i if there's
something i want to do and i'm committed i will
do it and that's how i felt but i also was just
like I don't know what's gonna happen. And everyone
around me thinks that I'm insane. So, yeah. Let's
see, where are we? Sorry. I also remember one
of my managers at this restaurant named Greg,
who I fucking hated. Such an asshole. He, I remember
was asking me, Yeah, everyone at that point knew
that I was moving and he came over and he was
like, I just I just have to ask you about this
New York move because I'm like super intrigued.
And I was like, OK. And he was like, yeah, like,
have you ever have you been to New York? Oh,
honey, I was like, yeah, yeah, I've been a few
times. And like, yeah, just asking me so many
questions being like, have you saved money? It's
like, oh, fucking god do you guys think i'm stupid
like no i don't have i don't have a single dollar
saved and i've never been there so yes i'm gonna
move there like what are we talking about but
he was kind of like i guess giving me advice
which like mind you this man was this man is
my age we're the same age um but he just thought
that he was like literally the smartest person
on the planet he was like He was like, you know,
just be careful, you know, like you could be
in a rough spot. And he was talking about himself
and he was like, I moved here from Guam at 17
and I didn't know anyone. And when I first got
here, I had to fuck this really ugly girl just
because I wanted to spend a night on her couch.
Like, I don't want you to have to do that, Kalen.
Yeah, you don't have to worry about that, Greg.
I'm not going to do that. I'm a different person
than you. I don't know why you did that Yeah
Yeah Don't don't admit that um But okay, let's
get to let's get to the actual move So like I
mentioned before people are gonna say you need
thirty thousand million dollars to live to to
move to New York City You do not After I secured
my housing for the month, I had a little over
$3 ,000 and I made it work. So not telling anyone
to do anything. I'm just saying people like resources
out there that you will see will give this huge
drastic and it's like, no, a lot of people move
here and they don't have the funds like that.
Like sometimes you just got to have a go getter
attitude like to keep it real with you. So I
secured my housing, I quit my job, I packed all
my shit up and I was thinking about taking a
U -Haul and bringing, you know, all of my shit.
And then I just kind of started thinking about
it and I was like, yeah, I don't know anyone
up there and who am I gonna ask to help move?
Like my roommates that are random people that
I don't know. So I decided that I was just gonna
take like my clothes and like, you know, whatever
belongings I had that weren't furniture. I packed
like four, five suitcases and my dad drove me
to the bus stop and I took the bus up here and
I arrived. October 7th is when I came and...
Yeah, I remember just literally them just feeling
so fucking electric like literally feeling like
I am on top of the fucking worlds like I remember
just coming up on the bus and like looking out
and seeing everyone and in the street and just
like There's there's just there's just no feeling
like it unfortunately and it's really it's sad
because now that I've been here and I'm just
like working and you know in the throes of it
like It never feels that magical anymore, but
it genuinely was like a palpable feeling even
when I came up to see my room before I had moved
like I Remember leaving and literally feeling
like so emotional like I was like, oh my god.
Everyone's living their lives like there's so
much happening It was crazy um So yeah, I would
I don't know I I Low -key recommend just like
coming up with like the shit that you absolutely
need and just like starting fresh because like
it's just a lot and like i was thinking about
just logistically like driving you like no no
no no i'm very lucky though um my dad was very
kind and he bought me um a bed and a dresser
and he got it like delivered to my place which
god said um because i had nothing i had no furniture
um so that was very very helpful. Yeah. And now,
and now we're here. And now I moved in and now
we can start talking about all the other shit,
all the meat. So moved up here. I was like, holy
fuck I really did that shit Like I'm really that
bitch like fuck all of you hating ass Virginia
ass bitches who wanted to fucking doubt me like
I'm not a fucking god Then I was like, okay now
I have to get a job. Let's do that So job search
I Highly recommend Craigslist The job that I
work at currently founded on correctness. A lot
of jobs, especially restaurants, will post if
they're looking for people. And what I did was
before I moved, I printed a bunch of resumes
out, brought them with me. And my first few days
here, I just put on all black, nice outfit, made
myself look presentable, and walked around with
my resumes. Not aimlessly, I would I would look
on Craigslist. I would see, you know, restaurants
and places that were looking for people. And
then I would just, you know, every day it was
like, okay, let's try to hit these 10 places.
Like, you know, and I did that for maybe like
two, three days. And yeah, I think that that's
what you should do if you want to do that or
moved anywhere new. I feel like a lot of people,
like if you have a degree, If you have a college
degree, if you want a big person job, getting
a job before you move would probably be very
beneficial and probably be worth it to put the
time in and do that. But I knew I'm trying to
find food service. I was like, I feel like I
can get these jobs on site once I move in. So
yeah, a lot of people will say, like, I read
so many articles of people, or not articles,
just like Reddit or whatever, of people being
like, don't move to New York without a job. Like,
that's so fucking stupid. Like, the job market
is trash. And it's like, it is, but also like,
I moved here without a job, and within two, three
weeks, I had two jobs. So, either I'm fucking
goaded or like, I don't know, I think you really
just... go out with a bunch of resumes and just
go to different places and you will probably
find a job. It's not going to be the best job
ever, but it'll be a job. So yeah, like I said,
I had two jobs when I first moved. I was working
at a restaurant and then I was also working at
a dispensary. I stopped working at the dispensary
because there was a 40 year old man who said,
who made a very sexually deviant um comment towards
me and it made me feel severely uncomfortable
to go to work and then i also was just like it
was just a lot like waking up going to this dispensary
job and then like going to my restaurant like
it was just literally out just all day at work
so i was like there's no fun in that like and
also the money wasn't even that good at the dispensary
to where i was like this yeah i was just like
this is not worth it um So yeah started working
at that restaurant. So like October 7th I moved
and by You know by the end of the October I was
working and you know Doing my thing. Um and Yeah,
I feel like when I first moved here I was really
just like I would I would just do I would get
a lot of food like that that was like The activity
that I was usually doing was just like trying
because that was so Exciting and fun just like
being a vegan like there's vegan food in Richmond
there, you know vegan options and you know, whatever
but like There's I mean food in general like
there's nothing like being in New York where
you literally just have access to any kind of
cuisine You know at any time of the day like
so I was just doing that a lot of the times like
just like going to new food spots, ordering food,
like, you know, eating by myself, just like vibing.
I went out on a few dates, dates, that's in quotation
marks. I was going out a little bit, like going
to like music events and the club and, you know,
going out alone because I literally had no, no
option. And also everyone says like, and it's
something I still even want to tap into is just
like going out alone because people are like,
that's how you meet people and there's no one
holding you back and blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I really, really, really want to like it,
but it's hard. I mean, it really just heavily
depends on what kind of night you're having.
But yeah, that's kind of what I was doing when
I first came. I was working this, you know, restaurant
job like. And I wasn't I before moving, I was
like, OK, I should serve. I should be a server
because, you know, Terrible, but that's where
the money is this first restaurant job. I had
it wasn't a true server Like I was like working
at the counter And we had like cocktail servers,
but not like full service servers. I don't know.
It was a weird like Texas like barbecue restaurant
vibe Sorry, I'm like trying to reposition my
microphone. Um Yeah, so Yeah, that was kind of
my life. I was vibing Halloween was I I made
it made it in time for Halloween. I really didn't
even do anything super fun I dressed up as a
cheetah. I like did spots on my face I looked
really cute and beautiful and I remember I got
two tattoos because there was like flash happening
so I got two tattoos and then I worked that day
so I just like did that but It was chill and
then winter came And life really started to get
grim. Things started to get fucking dark. Because
like I mentioned, this room that I was staying
in did not have a window. Or it did, but didn't
lead to the outside. So basically, no matter
what time of day it was, my room was always pitch
black unless there was a light on. Obviously.
I'm someone who you know has struggled with mental
health. I struggle with seasonal things but I've
never stayed in a room that did not have access
to light and Experiencing experiencing that while
also just being in a new city not knowing anyone
Legit like and Okay, so my I have one friend
one friend two two friends. They live together
John and Isaac, who I went to college with, they
also moved here last year. But they live right
outside the city. They live in Jersey. So like,
when I say I don't, when I say I didn't know
anyone, like, I knew them. But like, legitimately
guys, besides them living in Jersey, living together
doing their thing, I did not know a single soul
before moving. And so I didn't I had no friends.
I was going to work and I was coming home and
I was just doing whatever the fuck I was doing.
And I think, you know, people say like, the first
year living in a new place is really hard and
blah, blah, blah, blah. And I really felt it.
It was like, it was like a very dark time. Not
even gonna lie. And not even just like, okay.
I'm repositioning myself. My leg is asleep. I
mean, we can talk about the weather quickly.
It gets cold in Virginia. It gets cold in other
places I've lived. I've experienced cold. I've
experienced the winter, but I've never lived
anywhere up north. I was born in North Carolina.
I've lived in South Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana,
Virginia, South Korea. I have never lived anywhere,
I don't, me and I, I'm not good at geography.
I don't know where South Korea is like on the
map. But just speaking in America, I've never
lived anywhere North. This has been my first
experience living in a Northern state. And the
cold here is just something different. It's just
fully. different experience it gets fucking cold
so it was really hard because I wasn't getting
any sunlight and so obviously the the obvious
like thought answer whatever next step is like
okay get outside get sunlight whatever first
of all bitch there is no Sun okay because it's
getting dark at 4 p .m. Like I would literally
be going to work at my restaurant job work, you
know dinner shift leaving at four and why is
the Sun setting? Hold on hold the fuck on There's
no Sun and it's so cold that I don't even want
to be outside like it's painful to be outside
So y 'all it was just really really dark and
I remember You know, it was my first like I I
spent Thanksgiving here. I spent Christmas here
Fully alone. I don't I think for Christmas I
don't even I don't even remember I think for
Christmas I genuinely was just experiencing Such
a vicious depression. I don't even know if I
left my my apartment let alone my bed for Christmas
and Thanksgiving Or actually no, I think for
Thanksgiving. I maybe worked. No. Yeah, I worked
for Thanksgiving Christmas. I don't think I left
my apartment or my bed It was just a really sad,
scary time. I was using podcasts heavily during
this time because I was like, bitch, I need a
friend. OK, I need a friend. I need to feel like
someone is talking to me. Like. It was really,
really hard and I was having a lot of thoughts
of just like. Sadness, regret, shame, where I
was like, oh, my God, I've I mean, I've been
looking forward to this. I wanted to move to
New York for so long. um and especially these
past few months it's been like it's been the
only thing i could think about every day is just
oh my god like i'm so ready to fucking move i'm
so ready to not be at my parents house like when
i moved to new york i'm gonna be happy whatever
so getting here and like having a little bit
of fun and then experiencing just the worst time
of my life and feeling so alone and so depressed
and so sad i was like Why the fuck am I doing
this? Like, why did I do this? Like, this is
actually terrible. So yeah. It was pretty rough.
I quickly realized, yeah, I'm gonna have to get
the fuck out of this apartment, or I'm just going
to go insane and make an irreversible decision.
So I was like, okay, I need to be out of here
by like spring, because I'm gonna want to see
the sun. So I'm pretty sure it was January that
I moved out of that room I let my roommates know
I was just like yeah, it's The the no window
thing is like kind of not doing it for me They
understood which like I mean, yeah, they they
obviously I'm an adult I chose that room, but
they should not have been renting it out Like
it's just not a bedroom. But I mean that's kind
of I don't know. That's New York. It just you
I feel like It was the rite of passage for me
to have these experiences, but I knew I had to
move. The restaurant that I was working at at
the time, I had a coworker who I was friendly
with and she was, I would always be complaining
to her about it of just like, yeah, I'm going
insane. And she one day was just like, hey, me
and my boyfriend have an open room in our apartment.
Yeah, if you know if you're thinking I'm moving
whatever I was like oh word She sent me the video
beautiful room like large room two closets two
windows okay, and I was like yeah, I'm sold and
the rent was slightly cheaper than what I was
paying I was like Yeah, yeah so moved into that
apartment. And I will just say, living with a
couple, don't know what possessed me to do that,
will never do it again. Really appreciate this
girl and her boyfriend for letting me move into
their place, but yeah, it was just, I mean, terrible
as you can imagine, like living with a couple
is just like, you always feel like you're intruding,
no matter what. And they would just be like laid
up on the couch like cuddling like all the time
and I was just like Hey, like in the kitchen
like whipping up my dinner like hey guys, don't
mind me It was just awkward and then also they
unfortunately both smelled really fucking bad
to the point where the whole apartment smelled
and y 'all like it was actually like genuinely
like leaving like when I would go from my room
to the bathroom sometimes I would literally fully
just Hold my breath because it was so disgusting
Like stench like body odor funk all of it. It
was it was bad But they were really kind because
With with helping me move my apartments because
at that point I had furniture and I had like
acquired shit this girl's boyfriend they both
helped me move and you know take my shit and
they also um her boyfriend drove the u -haul
which was so kind because one thing about me
i've never i never have driven in new york um
i've been i started driving at 16 i was a i thought
i was a pretty good driver i will never drive
here it scares me so much there's so much going
on and especially a u -haul i was like That's
also the stressful thing with moving here. Bitch,
I'm not driving a U -Haul. I've driven U -Hauls
in Virginia. I'm not driving a U -Haul here.
So he drove and did all that, and that was really
amazing. So shout out to them, but yeah. Yeah.
So yeah, by January -ish, I had moved into a
new apartment. I was waking up. To windows and
to sunlight and I truly felt on top of the world
I also I didn't mention my first room was in
Greenpoint in Brooklyn And then the second room
with a couple was in Inwood Manhattan so Yeah,
girl jumping around like jumping the fuck around
Let's see looking at my notes looking at my notes
And so yeah, now we are getting to February.
And in February, I was laid off from my restaurant
job. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Me and a bunch of other
coworkers were fired. And we were told that they
couldn't give us the hours and da -da -da. And
they didn't have the hours for us, whatever.
Two days after we were all fired. They hired
a bunch of new people. So I don't know what that
was about um, what I do know though is I was
scared shitless because This is in February.
So it was already slow season for restaurants
like business was not Looking how it was looking
when I first moved there like it was just not
y 'all. I remember I had one week where my paycheck
for that week was like thousand dollars and I
was like oh pitch I'm in the 1 % like we're living
in luxury like I money's not a problem I am in
abundance like but by February like at that point
checks were looking slim and I was already getting
lower and lower and lower on money and then I
got fired and I was like oh It's getting real.
It's getting real because now I have to job search
again except this time I don't have $3 ,000 I
have like a couple hundred So it was really scary
and I Did not want to ask my parents for help
I just really was like I want to just figure
this out on my own like I want to you know i
did this by myself i got here by myself i can
get myself out of this i was trying to get on
unemployment that was impossible and that took
a good 10 years off of my life y 'all the they
know what they're doing they know what they're
doing because when i try to get on unemployment
you call this number right so that you can speak
to someone i called this number and it would
it would be this this automated like message
like this automated like voice and it would be
like oh this line is currently busy call back
later and it would just hang up it didn't put
you in a queue it didn't you know put you in
a line like shit like that usually does it would
just hang up so you would just have to call back
and keep checking in which obviously It's like
yeah, I am unemployed so I have time But I would
also like to just look for a job. I can't just
sit here and call this fucking number all day
So I keep calling and keep calling and it would
always just be like we're busy Volumes are too
high. There's too many calls right now and it
would hang you up. So I was just kind of like,
okay So I remember I went to an unemployment
or labor office, and there are a few scattered
throughout the city. I went to one, checked in,
gave them my information, told them what I needed.
And instead of talking to a person, you have
to just call another number. But this time, I
called the number that they had on their phone
and was able to get into contact with someone
and set up my unemployment or whatever. But then
also here's the thing is like there's a website
for it But whenever I would go to the website
the website would always be down and there was
always an error and it was never working So just
like literally going in circles and finally was
able to get in contact and they were like, okay
you Because I was like, you know, I'm not a resident
but I have been living here. I've been working
here I've been you know, whatever for months
like I should be entitled to some money and they
were like, yes, you are entitled to some money.
We'll give you that money sent over. Try to get
direct deposit. Can't do that for some reason.
The direct deposit form wasn't working. Y 'all,
I just, I'm kind of droning on and on, but like
genuinely was like, I am going to. Hurt someone
because why why is it so hard to get money that
I am owed from the government? Isn't that what
this is like taxes and all that shit. Isn't that
what that's about? Like I mean Newsflash they
do it on purpose so that you just give up and
don't get money that you're owed. But anyways
Trying to get unemployment. Whatever went on
Craigslist again We're back when I'm Craigslist
was, you know looking to see who was hiring did
the whole shit again found another job. By March,
I was working again, and I was like, yay, I'm
so happy, so happy to be working. Was also happy
because it was kind of teetering into spring,
and I was like, I really need the sun, I really
need summer, I really need it to be warm right
now. I also was getting to the point where I
was like, okay, I don't want to be living with
stinky couple anymore. So started looking for
housing again, and yeah, I will say I had three
moves in like eight months It was a lot And now
we're here this is this is the third spot I'm
still in Brooklyn Or we yeah, I was I was in
Brooklyn when I first moved then I was in Manhattan
now. I'm in Brooklyn I really hope I do not move
for a long time. I don't wanna do it. Jesus,
sorry. And yeah, now we're here. And you know,
I, yeah, started working at my new job, kind
of started meeting people. I was going to like,
I would do, meetups there are meetup groups and
you know, that's that's something I really realized
living here is just like Because before moving
I was like I want to meet people and whatever
like New York City whatever and it's really Really
actually so fucking hard to meet people even
in New York even in a place as populated as as
New York. It's really hard for so many so many
reasons and it's really easy to be discouraged
and get kind of off track. And I mean, yeah,
now we've talked about the mood. We talked about
all the logistics stuff. Now we're getting into
my reflections like over this past year. And
I don't know. It's been just a journey and I
don't even know where to begin. I don't know
where to begin. A question that I get asked,
you know, by people, whether it be friends, family,
whatever, is the obvious, is do you like New
York? How's New York? How is it? And it's a question
that I have a lot of trouble with sometimes because...
It has not been all sunshine and rainbows and
it's actually been mostly stress and mostly Torment
and it's been a lot of sadness. It's been a lot
of It's been a lot of kind of just like Me sitting
in my room and being like am I having fun? Like
do I like it here? And so it's a really hard
space to be in because like I said since I was
a child I've wanted to live here and I also am
someone who I'm very like oh when I do this thing
I'm gonna be happy and when I do this you know
it's gonna be great and that's how New York was
for me before I moved here where like when I
was staying with my parents and when I was like
literally going through hell every single day
like fighting for my life I was like when I'm
in New York like I'm gonna be happy it's gonna
be fine like it's gonna be so worth it like you
know just having such high hopes and just being
so excited and then getting here and you know
life -lifing and having to just do things and
work and you know that's a bit like it's like
sorry me when there are so many thoughts that
i have to get out and i'm like i don't know which
one to start with but When you are living in
a place and you're working and you're in survival
mode It's really hard to just kind of sit and
enjoy it and that's kind of how it feels a lot
of the time where it's like I get I'm just like
am I having fun like I don't know. I'm just like
struggling so hard and living paycheck to paycheck
and like Stressed all the time and also like
my nervous system is like all out of whack like
I'm just like dealing with more stimulation than
I than I ever have in my entire life and I'm
just constantly like on edge and like keeping
my head on a swivel and so it's a hard question
because some days I'm like some days are really
great days and you know I had a really good day
the other day where like I woke up I had breakfast
I went to the park I read um I facetimed my like
best friend from back home and then I hung out
with a friend that I've made since being here
and we like thrifted and we walked around and
then we went to this like vintage shop and this
woman who owned the vintage shop was like, do
you model? And I was like, no. And she was like,
well, I'm looking for models. Like I'm looking
for beautiful people to photograph. And I was
like, oh my God, amazing. And then we like exchange
info. And then I met up with another friend and
we... watched a movie and then we went out like
and it was a great like fully packed day and
like sometimes I have days like that and I'm
like New York is fucking amazing and I'm having
so much fun and it's so lovely and I love it
and then I have some days where I don't feel
like that where I'm like in the train station
and there are people in my way and I'm like fucking
move out of my way and I'm getting agitated and
I'm feeling like oh my god all these people like
they don't know what the fuck they're doing and
I'm just like getting agitated by like you know
people around me and Things just lose their magic
like that's kind of just the unfortunate thing
like when I first got here I was so I remember
so vividly like walking through the streets and
like Hearing English and hearing German and hearing
Spanish and being like, oh my god Wow, it's so
beautiful. Like there's so many cultures and
like now I walk around and I don't Even notice
it and I don't really think about I don't even
care. I'm just like move out of my fucking way
like It's just like there's such an it's just
so interesting living here I'm also someone who's
like I struggle with FOMO and have Just throughout
my life and like this is the worst place to experience
FOMO New York City is also the worst place to
just feel lonely and for a lot of my time here
have felt lonely and I feel like guys to be so
real I have only just now started one even feeling
settled but like I only feel like I'm just now
starting to like get out there and like make
friends like I only feel like I've really very
recently started making and like I feel like
I have friends now and am really just starting
to like Go out there and like get a taste of
the city like when I first moved here like I
did a few things but then I like just had to
start working and I winter was here then like
I've moved three fucking times, you know, so
it was just like It's just been a lot and that's
another thing with just reflecting on this past
year where like I get Throughout this year so
many times. I have gotten down on myself and
been like oh My god Caitlin like you wanted to
move here so bad To model and to do fashion and
to do whatever and to be a creative and like
you haven't done anything like I have said that
to myself so many times where I'm like you've
been here for seven months now you've been here
for eight months now you've been here for nine
months out and you haven't done anything and
really have to like step outside of myself and
Look objectively at the situation and give myself
fucking credit because that's something I'm really
bad at doing but it's like First of all bitch
you I moved here with $3 ,000 by myself and I
didn't know anyone and I didn't have a job and
I moved here Within my first eight months. I
moved into three different apartments like even
just that even if I just did that for my first
year And that's all I did was just move three
times. That is already so much That's already
so much more than most people do or have had
to do That's a lot and I don't I don't even acknowledge
that as like something like hard where it's like
I didn't you don't have a set place like Had
a set place for a little bit and then I had to
uproot and move all my shit and go to another
place and then I had to uproot and do it all
again and like That's a lot That is a lot. I've
moved three times. I've had multiple jobs. I
was unemployed I You know like have just gone
through the ringer also mind you all of this
is going on and last November I cut my mom off
Went no contact for many reasons. So like, I'm
going through all of this by myself, no support.
And I'm also cutting my mother off and dealing
with like that, like dealing with at the time
being 22 and just not having a mom, not having
like a figure like that that I can count on.
But like, yeah, I will so often... Feel like
oh my god. I haven't done anything like I moved
here and I wanted to model I haven't done it
and it's like girl. You've actually done a lot
You've actually done a fucking lot and you need
to like chill like chill give yourself a break
Like it's hard and like I just said I've I only
now like I'm so excited to I'm also just I mean,
I'm so excited to have clear cut goals for my
next year because i didn't i didn't do that before
i moved here not that i needed to i didn't like
i just moved here for fucking shits and giggles
but like that's also something where like i will
get hard on myself because i'm like you haven't
done anything like you haven't met you know as
many people as you would have maybe thought you
want and it's like bitch i don't even know i
i didn't i don't have any measurable goal so
it's really hard and it's very it's actually
not hard it's easy for me to not give myself
the credit and to shit on myself for not doing
so -and -so when it's like, girl, you didn't
even have a measurable, it's like, sometimes
I'm like, wow, I like, I've barely met as many
people as, you know, I would have thought. And
it's like, how many people did you think you
were gonna meet? Like, you don't know. You know,
you don't know. Like, I've actually, when I think
about it, I've met a shit ton of people so much
that I've forgotten. you know, like I've had
interactions with people, I've gone on dates,
I've done whatever. But it's also like you're
not going to meet 30 new people every day. Like
there are some days where you're not going to
leave your apartment. There are some days where
you're going to have a whole day and go out and
do this and that. And you might not talk to anyone.
You might not say a word to anyone and just be
with yourself and just be out and about. And
that's OK. and like also you're not gonna move
to New York and immediately just become like
the next big thing like it takes time it takes
time to fucking cook and that's fine and like
I'm more so saying this out loud so that I can
hear it and that I can believe it because yeah
I'm just constantly like shitting on myself and
comparing myself to other people which is a very
bad trait that I have but I'm I'll compare myself
and be like, well, this person, you know, they
moved to New York and like they have all these
friends and they have. And it's like, well, other
people are different than me. Also, other people
maybe had support and had, you know, other people
maybe knew people and had people had people that
they were coming to see and coming to network
with and meet. I did not have any of that. So
I'm like comparing myself to other people who
had. more than I had and who had support and
who had, you know, whatever. So it's just like,
chill, chill, girl, chill. There are so many
opportunities out there. So many people that
I have yet to meet. And like, it's all going
to happen. But like, New York is just a really
hard place to to feel. insecure and to feel sad
or to feel lonely. Like that's definitely one
thing I can note. Can you shut up? But I, I feel
like I have the sheer amount of loneliness that
I have felt living here like has been something
that I've never experienced in my life. It's
this is a very hard place to feel lonely because
you're surrounded by so many people who are Not
or maybe are lonely. But maybe it just doesn't
seem like it, you know You're on the train you're
going home from work and like there are girls
and friend groups and they're going out to the
club and there's people on dates and whatever
and it's really hard it is and It's taken a full
year for me to just even right now, you know
say like I can say like yeah, I have friends
Or I have co -workers that also double as friends,
you know, and like Yeah, it's it just has been
a journey and it's taken time and I'm really
excited to look back on this point in a year
and like I Just feel like Period I feel like
I'm gonna accomplish so much in the next year.
Oh My god, and I also feel like just everyone
on the street wants to fucking be loud. That's
also what I feel like But I feel like I'm gonna
accomplish so much in this next year and I'm
gonna meet so many more people and I'm just like
I'm finally settled. I'm finally in a place that
I enjoy I'm finally like feeling like I'm getting
a handle on my life and on my you know what I'm
doing and I'm really excited and I really I hope
but like I know that this next year is gonna
be 10 million times better than this first year
has been and I'm just really excited for it and
yeah hashtag NYC hashtag Statue of Liberty hashtag
Hashtag, why is my brain literally going to mush?
I have talked for an hour and three minutes.
Period. Well, thank you guys for tuning in. I
hope that this was helpful. I hope this was enjoyable
in any way. Shout out to me. Happy anniversary
to me. So excited to check in in a year when
I'm just, you know, I don't know. What am I going
to be doing in a year? We'll see. We'll see if
we even have another year. Thank you guys for
listening. Have a good rest of your day. See
you next week. Bye.