Hey folks, welcome to the bad comedy podcast. It's a new year.
Monday or Wednesday whenever you're listening and I'm back and here with Dylan roofed armor.
Okay, Dylan Internet.
I was at the casino and this cop was walking through and he was like, what's your first name? And I was like Dylan and he was like, what's your last name? And I was just thinking, don't say roofed armor.
Luckily, I pulled it out.
What did you say? Moller?
I said Moller and then he just patted me a couple times and walked away. I'm like, are they looking for another Dylan in here?
He patted your thing?
Just patted me on the shoulder like I think he could tell I was being honest.
I thought he was looking for because with that jacket, it looks like you could be one of those salesmen who sells like who sells chains and guns and drugs or whatever.
I've heard like like massive criminals.
Like what can I get you?
Like, I don't know. It was one of the biggest drug lords ever got caught because he dressed so flashy that like they knew he was like someone to look into.
Yeah, well, I know the the dapper Don was his name.
He's the most famous one.
Now he's one of the most famous mobsters.
John, people are going to get mad at me for not knowing who this is.
John Belushi.
Yeah, I think it was like he was a blues brother.
John Belushi, I think.
Yeah, no, he was the guy with the white hair with sleep bag hair.
Can you imagine if we dressed as the Blues Brothers for the Gazelles and lost?
This was the most famous mobster of all time.
And you don't know him?
No, it's the kind of thing that you pride yourself on knowing.
Yeah, well, I know I know most things.
We're maybe this will help.
John, John Travolta actually played him in a movie about him.
Oh, wow.
So you're on track and and the movie was bad.
Apparently, I couldn't even get through it all the way.
Wow.
Although I do love John Travolta.
What about that movie?
Phenomenon face off.
That's what about the movie?
The jerk.
The jerk is good.
I grew up a young black boy.
That's the best line.
It's but they start with the best line.
Yeah.
And then I just started watching it.
Well, actually, I can relate to this.
Yeah.
When he's dancing to, you know, it's like,
no, what about that movie about the hockey bully?
They'd send in the big hockey fighter guy, the one with Sean William Scott.
Mm hmm.
That movie.
There's two of them.
Sean William Scott.
We're not going to be hot.
I too much as a little seas before this podcast.
So that's why I can't remember anything.
We're on pizza planet.
Dude, I got the ideas from Little Seas.
I'm worried about.
So well, I always get Little Caesar's on weekends, you know,
and I'm worried that when our K gets an office,
he's going to subpoena my door dash receipts.
And I'm going to wait for a while.
Better wipe that clean.
There's a lot of little seas on there.
You better consult someone there.
Get a contact there.
Yeah.
So I just want to say in advance, RFK,
I apologize for my past eating behaviors.
I'm taking supplements and vitamins.
This, you know, but I have eaten a lot of little seas
and I'll make sure in the future I eat some vegetables and fruits.
I was thinking like a bit.
God loves like red dye 40.
Like I wouldn't be surprised if the blood of Christ had a little bit of red dye 40 in it.
It's like you're telling me Jesus never drank one red Gatorade.
Maybe it's the modern like Noah's Ark where he's like
extincting people through red dye 40.
Now, I think it's more a satanic cleansing.
I actually imagine it's more like the people that run the big big food.
That's more likely.
I mean, I feel like if you want to make something look like blood.
Yeah.
First off, why?
And then second off, OK, I feel like you shouldn't let that be possible.
We shouldn't outlaw red dye 40.
Oh, well, what else people use real blood.
Can we do red dye 10 or something?
Is there one that's like a little bit less bad?
Like you'd be 40.
Yeah. WD 40.
Yeah.
These things are great products.
So OK, red dye is red dye 10.
Can we get all agree on that? Let's put that in the omnibus bill.
Green.
Greenland.
Oh, dude.
Talking about.
Oh, first of all, folks, go to the Alex Jones, Alex Jones store, the Alex Jones store dot com slash bad comedy.
And you can get the best supplements.
You get the Irish sea moss.
It's got the best iodine for your for your all your glands and it makes your whole body feel healthy.
It's it's it's the sea moss your body craves.
It gives you that fight. Yeah.
Irishman. Yeah.
And you can get the gut cleanse.
That's what I got.
It's 30 day gut cleanse.
You take it.
You feel like you never had a little Caesars in your life.
And then also, you know, to Merrick, you get the turmeric with the burdock root.
So make sure to get that. And then while we're on plugs, Patreon dot com slash bad comedy for the good episodes.
We got a crazy bonus episode coming up on Thursday.
So keep your episode is trash and comparison.
Oh, yeah. This one pales in comparison.
What once we get heated up and ready to rock, you have no idea what the what the heck happens.
It's the ad. He hits, you know, at home.
It's like it's like taking a full bottle of Irish sea moss.
The key to the whole sea.
And also, we're also brought to you in part by Jepson's Mallort.
We don't have the products to show you yet, but coming soon.
Also, unfortunately, this off this current studio is in L.A.
So as you can see, it is not as much stuff on the walls because we've had to move some stuff out where we have to move different studios because we're in the fire path.
Logistics. It's all money when you trace it back.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure Gavin.
So, you know, Trump calls him news news come.
What about Gavin come?
Yeah, what about that?
That's just easier.
Honestly, maybe Gavin go.
How would you get out of town?
I saw a video thing of him like today.
It was like from today or yesterday.
He was out like the fires was raging behind him.
He has this black shirt on.
It's like now we're not one piece of ash on him.
He was going to golf.
He had a slick back hair.
Probably uses come as Joe can so cool.
Yeah.
And we're back.
We're back.
We're back and be back.
It feels so good to be back.
Sometimes they come back.
You gotta leave.
Yeah.
What we did is we left a lot of people are going to leave California.
That end of an era.
Yeah.
I mean, people have been talking about maybe a new Hollywood in Las Vegas.
It's going to be tough for wildfires there because it's already a desert.
It's already all basically what California is going to look like after this.
When I see some of these fires, I think wild.
Yeah.
I'm like, whoa, I'm like, that's that's gnarly.
I say that's gnarly in a bad way.
I say that's bad.
I say that's sick in a bad way.
There's this thing in workaholics where Adam, he's like, oh, you're single.
And he's like, so I love his character.
I mean, Stan Haaland.
That is a good character.
I mean, that's like him and everything, too.
You know that Chris D'Alia played a pedo on that show on that and also in another show.
He's type guest.
Yeah.
I saw this thing.
Pedo Piper.
If you say if you say Peter Piper when you're like a third grade third grader, it's like pedo pedo Piper.
So that's kind of weird.
And Neverland and all this stuff.
I don't know if that's the same thing.
That will forever land.
Yeah.
Yeah. How about always?
That'd be something.
You get to be a kid always.
Yeah.
Why was Robin Williams Peter Pan and the Peter Pan and the hook?
I don't know.
I just remember I'll always remember the scene when they're pretending to eat a whole feast of food and there's no food there.
That's the only thing a lot of my childhood memories are associated with food.
What about they've seen Oliver Oliver Twist.
They're like food, glorious food, hot sausage and mustard.
And they're just celebrating and then can have some more.
Right.
Well, yeah, that's earlier in the movie.
But they found or they sing about everything after that.
They sing about wanting food.
They sing about what the good foods would be.
Maybe I'm mixing up movies.
Maybe that's the same.
Maybe I just don't know.
You'd see feasts in like Harry Potter and just like there's all there's huge drumsticks and bottoms munching down.
And I'm thinking it'd be nice to just be a huge fat kid at Hogwarts.
Well, where's a little seize?
Yeah, there's no little seize there.
I want some little seize.
Or I'd want like the McDonald's spread.
Yeah.
Trump knows how to eat.
Yeah.
They're not going to rip McDonald's out of his gold head and those golden arches.
Yeah.
It's the promised land.
I think he like how he feels about Diet Coke is how a lot of like John Hickok feels about firearms.
Like he's going to make an amendment to make Diet Coke legal for no matter what our Kato's.
It's like we'll be sponsored by Diet Coke eventually also.
Yeah.
And we'll say I think they changed the name of Aspartame or whatever was in it to something else.
Just like moving the yeah, it was a chemical that gives you cancer.
It's an artificial sweetener, but it's like this is just change the name of it.
Yeah, that's a lame name.
That's why they're going to do red 10 to the right of 40.
Let's see.
They're called they'll call it red good.
What's this bad boy gotten this monster was got Taurine, which is which is I think that's Taurus.
Well, it's grape skin.
So there's my jacket.
Torso Taurine is based on is the urine of a Taurus, which is like a bowl.
But sometimes you have to grab life by the horns.
Yeah.
So it's like bull piss.
We have sucralose.
That's good stuff.
We've got Rana extract.
I had a friend named Sean Lucas.
It kind of sounds like that vitamin B 12.
I like.
Oh, yeah.
That makes your piss straight highlighter color.
I love it.
And then caffeine content from all sources.
Hundred forty milligrams per can.
I love taking way too much vitamin B and just having a highlighter colored piss.
I like one of my comfort foods.
They're cursed in a jet.
I like it.
It's nice.
Yeah.
Poison myself with what gives me.
What about Johnny Carson is true that being on Carson back in the day?
Yeah.
Five minutes.
That's why people always think I'm a cancer based on my voice.
Hold me closer.
I have cancer.
I just sound alone and I love company and misery loves company.
I guess I'm misery.
There's a good rap song called Misery Loves Company by Ritz the rapper.
Oh, really?
Like putting on the rights or whatever.
Yeah.
It's a different song.
But yeah, I do love that song.
That's not the same.
That song is by Taco.
What does it go like again?
It goes, if you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
Putting on the reds.
Different types of wear, but they coat pants.
That's right.
Perfect fits.
Putting on the Ritz.
So catchy, dude.
And then he gets a little bit Kermit.
He goes, dressed up like a million dollar trooper.
Crying hard to look like Gary Cooper.
Super duper.
Oh, God, that's so fucking...
That song.
The console's so hot right now.
That song rules, dude.
That Kermit's so hot right now.
Dude, all these people, I mean...
All these Kermit.
Kermit the Frog really kind of set the tone for most modern people.
Hollywood Boulevard.
Yeah.
Well...
Continues off of Sesame Street.
Hollywood Boulevard.
It's not really Fire Boulevard more like.
Yeah, it's like what happened to Tinseltown?
Yeah, Tinseltown's gone, folks.
The whole Hollywood Tinseltown.
My dream of being a movie star alongside the likes of Tom Cruise and Nicolas Cage are...
Wait.
Hold on.
At mere ash now.
Listen to this.
We used to be the second city.
It's called second city for a reason.
We used to be the second biggest city after New York.
And LA came in, they were like, we're fucking, we're gonna get big because we're gay.
We might be second city, and actually Houston's gonna be bigger than us.
We're still gonna be third city.
They really need to change that or else can you imagine...
We need to recruit people to come here.
We need to recruit cool people to come here.
I'll tell them it's the new LA.
It's the new LA, everyone's migrating here from LA.
Yeah, because New York's too far.
So they have to take their covered wagons here.
It sucks.
They just, they had no money.
And so ended up here in a pilgrimage for fame.
It would suck if you were a pioneer, like the covered wagon people, but you couldn't afford the cover for your wagons.
You're not a normal wagon without a cover.
That would suck.
Like a Ryder Red.
Oh gosh.
Wagon.
You get no pull from that.
You're so sunburnt.
Actually, you might get so sunburnt that the Native Americans would be like, they think they're one of you and they won't kill you on the way.
But then the Americans will.
Yeah, then you get salt burnt.
This is the salt burnt song.
Ever cook a microwave pretzel a little too long?
No.
I like them.
They're nice and soft.
We should try that out sometime.
It's like a prank.
Yeah, like a pretzel pizza and just cook it up and eat the whole thing and she'll show them.
Another thing that has been, so we've had a lot of stuff kind of stolen from us recently, folks.
Gun stuff.
Well, first of all, we've been saying Alex Jones is hot for a long time now.
Rogan's saying it.
Everyone's saying it.
Everyone's saying it now.
And then he's even putting it in his ads.
He should have used us saying it in his ads.
What else?
Show us a little bit of love back.
Yeah, we got the Gazzelli Award stolen from us by another Latino podcast.
That's what it's called, another Latino podcast.
It's not just another Latino podcast.
Listen, folks, we don't want to be sore losers.
We want to be sore winners.
Yeah, because we won.
You can have your one Gazzelli.
You can have your...
We have multiple.
Yeah, you can have your little trophy, but we won.
I wish there was a Gazzelli capital.
Is Jerry's house the publishing office?
We should storm it.
I'm going to storm his house no matter what the results are.
Yeah, we should home invade Jerry Homity.
We're going to release the Jerry client list, everyone that voted for us.
Yeah.
And if you double voted or you actually double crossed us...
Yeah, we'll know.
You're going to be on a different list.
Yeah.
And we're going to kill you.
And slap you and then whip you.
I am your father.
2023, that was a year.
2023, that was a big year.
That was a big year.
Yeah.
A lot happened in this room, in this studio.
It's kind of sad.
We're doing our last episode of Friends or something.
Yeah.
They packed up.
They're leaving the apartment.
I hope you had the time.
Well, actually, we're going to save all the memories for the Patreon.
These plebs don't deserve our memories.
If you're a poverty-free listener and you're not on the Patreon, then there's no reason to go to the next podcast.
There's no reason to listen to this one because this one's going to lead to the Patreon, which is way better.
You're telling me you're not sold on this yet?
Yeah.
You see this right now?
Yeah.
It's a word from last year.
Yeah, show it to the camera.
That's a word from last year.
It's harder than it looks.
Yeah.
It's made of...
It has a chip in it.
It's like a chip.
It's like a chip in my shoulder.
How can I say that, too?
Am I a pringle?
You actually have a Maxine wound on your shoulder, I think.
What's that?
Oh, yeah.
I remember when I got Band-Aids just appeared after I got the second ouchie.
Yeah.
Weird side effect.
Yeah, you're probably like...
Yeah, I'm like, these are not Princess Band-Aids.
I feel like Band-Aids, like...
It's kind of a weird name for a band, AIDS.
AIDS, yeah.
Band-Aids.
Is it...
What's that?
Yeah.
Is that like the band from the movie?
Right.
From that movie, yeah.
That's what I was going to say, from Red.
The one that sings, 525,600 minutes.
Damn!
Everyone has AIDS.
Now, what I did like about that movie, because didn't they have a guy playing the drums,
but it was like a bucket?
It was like Stomp.
Yeah.
Or maybe it was a mix of all these movies up.
Stomp was a good movie.
He was one of those...
Oh, no.
Thank God for the sensors.
Yeah.
We always do post editing.
That's what we do right there.
We'll chop it up in post.
Oh, we do a lot in post.
You guys have no idea how much I have to do in post on this.
There's so much to fix.
Yeah.
You don't even fix half of it.
It's pretty much like a post-op trans person.
Sometimes people change their mind.
They used to go on pre-op and post-op, and now they're all the same.
Now they're all just trans people.
I think they're all just ops, if you ask me.
Yeah.
They've all been psy-opped.
Is that Josie?
Folks, we got a dog.
Josie is Tim Allen reincarnated.
We got a dog in the house, folks.
We got Josie.
We'll bring her in for the Patreon.
We're really trying to build the value of the Patreon in comparison to this by just
dropping a bunch of teasers.
Yeah.
Kind of downplaying.
I mean, this doesn't matter.
The people that listen to this are just Gavin Newsome snakes.
Oh, wow.
I was wondering what that sound effect was.
Snake.
Slytherin is very brat.
Yeah.
So brat.
I think Hillary Clinton is good, probably.
Slytherin, yeah.
No, she's good.
Yeah, she'd be like probably captain of the Quidditch team.
Yeah.
I think I wish Harris won.
Now I like that Harris got us so much cheap labor with putting so many firefighters in
prison, future firefighters.
She just loaded up the, as Gavin Newsome calls it, the fire fighting army.
Yeah, Gavin Grusam also.
Of prisoners.
That's so scary thinking about there's already these massive fires and then now there's all
these prisoners.
Slave labor.
There's like a thousand prisoners that are out there quote unquote fighting fires.
You know what they probably should have done?
It was clean up the brush.
They made it illegal to clean up the brush on your property.
Yeah.
Which is the, how can you explain that?
And they won't use ocean water either because the salt is bad for the.
Yeah, but still, what about all these coastal homes?
You can use it there.
Yeah, and it's just like, you know, fire is like probably the worst.
Right.
It's literally like all these, all these homes burning and then there's this giant thing
of water right next to it.
Yeah.
That's like sometimes the problem is all the water there.
But I mean, I think that, I mean, they put.
Yikes.
50% of the reservoir water, you know, they pumped into the ocean for the smelt fish,
the little smelt fish.
That's good, though, I think.
I was thinking like maybe they should have like no smoking signs.
Yeah.
Without help, but just to try it.
Well, there was also like Antifa people running around just lighting fires also on top of
it.
It was probably George Soros who won the Medal of Freedom.
Well, I feel like they might be freedom fighters like fight fire with fire kind of.
Yeah.
Eye for an eye.
I don't know if they're fighting fire with fire, though.
They're fighting.
They're feeding fire.
They're feeding fire with fire.
Fire feeders.
Yeah.
The only way you can feed fire is with fire.
I don't know.
I think, I think Gavin Come has to resign.
The mayor needs to resign.
I think the mayor fired the, the lesbian chief of fires.
Uh huh.
Well, because she spoke up and said that, uh, that the mayor, Karen Bass, uh, like didn't
get them enough money when they asked.
Well, I care in my ass.
She was too busy in Ghana watching their king get, uh, become a king.
Uh, I thought you were going to say getting gone.
Oh, Ria.
She probably got that too.
I wouldn't put a pastor.
There's too many.
I believe anything these days.
Oh, also California is still our whole lesbian thing.
Oh really?
Yeah.
Cause their whole fire fighters are all lesbians.
Now we're talking.
Now we're onto something.
Cause I thought this Stan Halen sounded kind of like your lesbian voice.
I'm Stan Halen.
Stan Halen.
I drive a Subaru.
So yeah.
So Max's dad drives a Subaru.
He is not a lesbian.
He's cool guy.
Very, uh, we were talking about probably get laid at any bar and this side of the
Mississippi.
Let me tell you something.
My dad likes chicks.
He does like your dad.
He does look a little bit like Harvey Weinstein though, or sorry, Jeffrey Epstein, even worse.
That's a guy who had a lot of power, but my dad's in power, not Jewish, not Jewish.
Just another checking another box.
And also folks, not all Weinsteins are good.
Weinsteins are bad.
I like Brett Weinstein.
And you know what I like?
Whoever has the most poll and that's your dad.
Yeah.
Here I like.
The consequences will never be the same.
Yeah.
The consequences will never be the same.
That's what's going to happen in California.
So that leadership, you know, when your dad is selling like a tabletop like this and I
don't know what I'm going to do this table.
I know what your dad's selling points probably hinting kind of what could happen on this
table and it's not going to break.
I don't know if you sell into a woman and be like, yeah, I mean, it's got four legs
just like us.
Yeah.
Very sturdy.
He tells you do anything on this table.
He tells the ladies selling to go on to see how sturdy this thing is.
We could test it.
Yeah.
No, let's test it.
And then they have sex on top of it.
And that's that's first base for your dad.
Yeah.
Sex.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, that's how you that's that's how you that's how you sell sex sells.
Yeah.
I mean, that's my dad came up with that.
That sex sells.
Oh, it's from his selling technique.
Is this does this remind you of a place that you go a lot?
Yes.
Oh, my gosh.
Be careful.
Now I see that train game that I lost a shit ton on.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Mac just instantly won a bunch.
I just lost a shit ton.
Trying to catch him.
Foolish.
I have a foolish nature sometimes.
The train.
Cha-ching.
Train and keeps it coming.
I keep losing money.
The train gang.
Train gang.
They call me the purple train man.
Trains all day. Trains all night.
I'm gay.
I was thinking if I was ever on Kill Tony and then they asked me like about like I would obviously bad comedy would come up and they'd be like, what's your podcast called their way?
What's your podcast?
It's called Bad Comedy Podcast.
And I thought that'd be such a great clip to start the podcast.
Me saying that on Kill Tony.
And then he'd be like, it's called Bad Comedy.
That's something your set sounded like. It was bad.
No surprises there.
I'm gay.
He is like the Joker.
That was just like your set Bad Comedy.
Good thing your podcast is named that.
Fucking incredible.
Yeah, I keep just delaying going.
That is Brian Redban.
I remember when Jason pointed out like, yes, just an open mic.
Fuck that is. I don't even like going to like comedy bar for a bucket draw.
Yeah.
Let alone riding a plane.
Yeah. It is just an open mic.
I'm not doing shit for free anymore.
Yeah.
I say show me the money.
Yeah. Oh, do you want to do our show? Blah, blah, blah.
It depends. What are we talking about?
Do I get chump change?
Yeah, I'm talking about show me the money.
Like he said back in the movie.
That's from Rain Man.
The Tom Cruise said show me the money.
Wow, that's actually really significant.
I like change, but I'm no chump.
Nice.
About this sex sells.
Sex sells.
With the gong noise.
Arbitrage.
This is the church bells.
This is where the demonic pope is.
I guess we have a demon pope now, guys.
What are you going to do?
It's like, it's Gryffindor is kind of demonic because it's like has the lion combined with the bird.
Well, that's all these bird is a very satanic creature.
Birds are definitely back to dinosaurs.
It's vultures.
Yeah, we should probably say, can we finish extincting dinosaurs and just kill the chickens?
Kill chickens.
But then we got to get rid of the lizard people.
And yeah, that's a lot of people.
And we can't we don't want to say who they are in here.
We'd be doxing 80 percent of Chicago.
We'll talk about the lizard people on the Patreon, actually.
We should make a list of lizard comics.
I love that Louie thing when he was asking that politician, like, are you a lizard person?
And then they just won't even answer.
It's like it's a simple question.
Just are you a lizard?
He's baffled.
What do you think Donald Trump's going to say to most of the deep state?
You're fired.
Nice.
Yeah.
All right.
People have been saying that they're worried about some kind of black swan event on the inauguration, but I never seen the movie Black Swan.
So we'll go to the next news story on that.
The swan steals a flat screen.
Yeah.
I think the movie was about what?
Ballet.
So there's going to be a ballet happening at the Trump inauguration.
Okay, cool.
Yeah, it'd be a good inauguration on ice.
What I want at the inauguration is Trump walking in.
So I want him to be wearing a like Hurt Locker bomb suit.
That way he's going to be sworn in.
Wait, a Hurt, a what?
Like one of those bomb technician bomb suits.
I think it would be sick if he had like a bubble boy costume.
Yeah, a lot of people want him to just do it in a bunker.
Maybe he could wear ear muffs.
It's a good show on the ear.
Yeah.
He'll get bulletproof ear muffs.
I've been thinking a lot about ears, my ears being all fucked up and just different ear words, irrigation, John Deere.
Good thing about your ears, if you got shot in the ear like Trump, it probably just bounced off your ear.
Yeah, right back at the guy.
Yeah.
That would be sick and ironic.
It would be so embarrassing for that guy.
Oh my gosh.
Sometimes you take a risk and you still don't expect it to totally backfire.
You know, it's kind of weird.
We never learned anything about either of those assassinators.
To me, I think that's pretty normal.
Yeah.
It can't surprise me anymore.
I've seen it all.
I mean, it's pretty normal to not even look into that kind of stuff.
You trace it back, you saw money.
Yeah.
I kind of know what's going on at this point.
Yeah, when people used to say money is a devil, I think it is.
That wouldn't surprise me one bit anymore.
Honestly though, if Jesus showed up, I think it would make me believe in him less.
You know what I mean?
It's like, you got to leave a little bit of mystery.
If he showed up, I think the alien stuff is...
I think if Hillary transformed into a giant creature with big horns,
then I would not be surprised at this point.
No, I really wouldn't be.
I really wouldn't.
It's fucked up that they've broken us down to this point.
That's what they want, is to make anything seem...
Well, now we're...
I really wouldn't be surprised if they were lizard people.
We're close to exiting the Matrix.
It's got to break soon.
Everyone feels this momentum and this buildup and the tension...
...of these last several years.
If the inauguration happens, or if something doesn't happen to him...
Something's happening.
Something's definitely planned.
There's a crossover event that's coming.
I don't want to rile up my cult followers or anything, but I just feel like...
Everyone's worried about that.
Things have been too quiet.
Kamala was too cool about letting him...
Things used to be so chill, man.
I think information and everything started unraveling.
What happened was...
The people in control the whole time, they've been slowly screwing us over...
...getting the country into debt, but then they started overplaying their hand.
At least there's a screwdriver, not a lizard drill.
We were like, it actually wasn't chill this whole time.
And it's all falling apart at the same time because of the alien stuff.
There's no aliens.
You believe in the blue beam?
I don't think any of this current drone stuff has anything to do with aliens.
Maybe not the current drone stuff, but I just think...
I know that there's aliens in the universe.
It's so fucked.
Remember when you didn't think that?
I always thought that, kind of.
Did you ever think that they had never been to Earth?
Elon doesn't think that, yeah.
But then he might have a huge conflict of interest.
He definitely has.
And he does act all weird about it.
Elon does have a pretty big conflict of interest in this alien debate.
I mean, obviously an alien's going to say, dude, there's no aliens.
Yeah.
As an alien, he has a big conflict of interest.
But it's also, even if he just...
Is Trump in the aliens versus the New World Order?
I don't know.
It's just a little bit weird that Trump was the one that created Space Force.
Well, there's been...
And everyone else was like...
I mean...
He does, he can't say what he's told.
You should listen to this guy called Dark Journalist, I think.
I like this guy.
There's a lot of Trump's uncle, John Trump.
He was something.
That's concerning because I saw people say maybe the people dismantling the Deep State...
Isn't it kind of weird that it's like...
I don't know if these people...
Tucker Carlson's dad worked in intelligence.
Did you know that?
And then it's just like, yeah, so did Obama's, though.
Yeah.
I mean, it could be double-sided.
And I remember thinking that about Tucker, too.
I was just like, maybe he's just posing as the freedom-like...
But all he does these days is really interview people.
It's just like, trust me.
Trust me, I'll expose the stuff that's all going to come out anyways.
I don't know, but Alex Jones has been saying the same stuff for 30 years.
Only now people are listening.
I feel kind of bad for him.
He got so discredited and kicked out of every platform.
They're still releasing his fat pics.
Everyone just forever...
I mean, he actually has a certain amount of credibility now among people.
I'm so afraid of the gazelle pictures because I was always telling Danny Happy Plants when he'd take the pictures...
No comedy fatty pics.
And he would still sometimes...
You know, it's not his fault.
They were all comedy fatty pics sometimes.
But now my fly was open, I believe.
You got to take the ultimate sea moss from theelkshowsstore.com slash bad comedy.
Did you see Alex Baldwin was on SNL and his fly was open?
Was it?
Yeah, mine was just broken.
Did they say your barn door is open?
Yeah, on SNL.
Oh my gosh, how embarrassing.
What would be more embarrassing, that or getting your shot deflected back and hitting you in the head?
Off an ear.
I think you're going to get shot anyways if you accidentally shoot yourself.
I think Alex Baldwin should be the death penalty for shooting that person.
I forgot that Tim Dillon had him on his podcast after all that.
It is?
Yeah.
It's like, jeez.
I heard Alex Baldwin's brother was...actually I think Patrick Ben David had both of Alex Baldwin's brothers on.
Two of them on.
One of them played Barney Rubble.
Oh really?
Yeah, and then it's like you trace it back, the Flintstones.
Trace it back far enough, it's all money.
I know how this world works, it's all money.
I wonder what they're trying to do with California.
So they probably burn it down on purpose most likely.
It's to make a statement, it's not about money.
Well the Olympics are supposed to be there in 2028, so they're going to try to build a smart city.
They're going to pass the torch really carefully.
With what money?
You should have thought about that folks.
Trump's not going to give you money if you continue to not listen to him and clean up your forests.
Yikes.
We're going to have to put some cool athletes in charge of the Olympics, just to be cool.
Like you know, you would put John Cena and The Rock are in charge of the Olympics or something.
But I have to be like, who would be the coolest?
I don't even think Tom Brady is cool enough.
I think it would be funny if the 2028 Olympics in LA was just all ash.
It's not even a city.
They already treat Olympic people like shit.
They gave them cardboard boxes for beds last time.
These are premier specimens of human beauty.
My favorite swimmer is Mike Phillips.
Yeah, maybe Michael Phelps.
It's Phillips actually.
I thought it was Michael Flathead.
He looks like an alien from a water planet.
Yeah.
Either that or he's like a Neptune.
Yeah, he's probably from Neptune.
A lot of people call me Mac Neptune.
Yeah, you're Mac Neptune.
What do they say about Jerry?
No talent.
Wow.
And then everyone goes...
That's supposed to be a clap.
I was talking mad shit about him.
And he goes...
Well, Jerry, you got your wish.
Yeah, your wish came true.
You're a loser.
No, it's not his fault.
I don't think maybe next year don't make extra clips about him being gay.
Because then maybe he's going to motivate the Mexicans to rally.
You know what I think I'm going to do?
We're going to make more clips.
More clips about him being gay.
It's called the Double Down.
We weren't supposed to win though.
We have to remember that at the end of the day.
We're a bad comedy podcast.
Us winning two years in a row too.
We were supposed to win.
It's good that someone else won.
Because it means that we're not the only ones.
We weren't the only ones before, but we really...
I think they thought it actually mattered for their podcast.
I only wanted it so that we had three years in a row.
It definitely wasn't going to matter for us.
It was only going to be bragging.
Exactly.
It would give us less to talk about.
The other guy hit up probably two Mexican people.
They probably all had a thousand kids each.
Yes, two families.
Two Mexican families.
It's like a thousand white normal families.
It's better for the culture if there's more competition and just better podcasts coming out.
That one seems better than the other ones that were nominated.
We should be the only one.
I don't know.
When it was just us and then Grace Baylor's 12-minute podcast she had for a week or something nominated.
There was an improv one last year.
It was three different podcasts we faced up against last year.
Yes, and it's like these ones are better this year, which is better.
We also, just for the folks who don't know, I took home best host of Bad Comedy podcast.
Brandon told me that if Jason had been in attendance they would have given it to Jason.
That would have been the funnier one.
Brandon would have done anything to make me sad.
Then Mac took home the most likely to go home and shoot himself in this kind of award.
Now he was most likely to shoot himself if someone broke into his house or something.
Shoot himself with his own gun if someone broke into his house.
Oh, okay. That's way different.
I thought they were saying that you'd be so sad.
That's what I said at the end.
I set the mic down.
I said, I'm going to go home and shoot myself with my gun.
Then I got a lot of claps for that.
Thanks everyone for wanting me to shoot myself with my gun.
I do want to take issue with the Gazellis for their bullying.
They actually had a category for biggest hack this year, which was not voted on by people.
It was always Brian Rowe.
They gave it to Brian Rowe again, who has won fair and square before.
He deserves it.
And does deserve it.
I'm proud of him.
But I feel like that's kind of bullying.
And they also had a porous comical word.
I don't think we should money shame people.
We should. The Gazellis shouldn't.
I know.
It's our job.
The problem is the awards were too funny.
So the baddies are supposed to be like that, but more offensive.
But they are already offensive.
Do you think Jerry ever worries if the Gazellis are too cool?
Or if the comedy Gazellis are too good?
He came up with none of the funny ideas.
Do you think he ever worries if the Gazellis are too important?
I think that Jerry Homidy should go to hell.
I think Jerry?
Yeah.
You're like one of my least favorite Jerrys in this scene.
Jerry Homidy is by far my least favorite Jerry.
For me it would be the one that would go to power hour.
That old guy.
Yeah, I prefer that Jerry.
I like Jerry Seinfeld more.
But he's not in our scene.
Yeah, well, I like Jerry CK more.
I'm actually going to try to become a scene king.
I don't know if you remember this from MySpace.
No.
It was like when people are like scene or they look like emo.
But I remember there was a term called a scene darling for the Chicago comedy.
Oh yeah, that's very different.
Scott Darling.
I've always felt like the opposite.
Yeah.
It was more like they try to squish you like a bug if you have a speck of talent.
Why did Scott Darling stop doing comedy?
I haven't seen him around, but he was like really good.
I think it might have been the Brian Rowe Association.
Yeah.
Plus he probably couldn't afford to stand up anymore after his car got packed up.
Packed up.
Yeah, all packed up.
I saw Adam Addis, by the way, at Galway Bay.
How's he looking?
Was he walking?
He's walking weird.
Yeah.
Stephen Haas was walking behind him.
He slapped his ass.
Maybe he should make a skit about that.
He said that was a good ride, boy.
I was like that seems like really gay and kind of racist too.
Yeah.
I call him boy.
I mean he looks kind of like a little boy.
Might be part of their dynamic though.
Yeah.
Consensual.
Gay dynamic duo.
I think that's good for the scene if you have.
Gay dynamic duo.
Yeah, if you have gay sex like in Zany's bathroom, I think that might be good.
Yeah.
In the scene.
It's probably one of the better things for the comedy scene.
Adam Addis and Stephen Haas having sex in the Zany's bathroom.
It's diversity.
It's like how much more diverse can Zany's be than having gay sex in the club.
Yeah.
That's diverse.
Yeah.
We need more DEI.
Yeah.
We lost coin shortage.
She was.
Not on the podcast.
This isn't the world.
It just needs more DEI.
Definitely not on the podcast.
This is not the place for.
No.
We have a hive mind.
Folks, do you know what that means?
Hive minds think alike.
You guys ever heard about that?
Yeah.
If you're in our hive mind.
We're just a couple of bees in a fish bowl.
If you want to join the hive mind folks, you know, you know where to find it.
Patreon.com slash bad comedy.
That's where we keep the real honey pot.
Next week you're going to see some Malort stuff going on.
You're going to like it.
There's going to be a lot of illness on this podcast.
You're going to see a lot of illness in a good way.
Toxicity.
No, it's going to be ill.
Like that's ill.
Chicago, Illinois.
I actually backtrace that.
Because I backtraced it.
I'm so Chicago.
Yeah.
That's so Chicago.
You know, that's so comedy.
Oh, listen to this.
Zach Orion.
You're out.
MC Lightsey.
You're out.
Matt Bannward.
You're out.
See folks, that's what we did in the comedy scene.
Okay.
What's going to happen to Jerry?
Jerry.
You're out.
He's done.
I mean, I really could see him giving it all up.
I'm going to do the battle horn.
That's for the patrons.
Patrons unite.
So we're going to try to ruin his life.
Yeah.
And everywhere we can, we're going to ruin Jerry's life.
And hey, Jerry, remember when I got on your vouch thing, not the actual tournament of
the fair and square one, but when one person submits my name to the thing, you never put
me on the show.
Yeah.
So now that's just long gone.
Hey, Jerry.
That was like two years ago.
Where's our op-ed?
Yeah.
What happened to that?
Yeah.
Where does that go?
You see this?
Remember when you told us a year ago, if we won the, if we won the gazelles two years
in a row, we'd have an issue in the gazelles.
What happened to that?
Jerry.
Where is that?
And it wasn't three years.
We did exactly two.
We did two for the op-ed and you lied to us.
Do you see, do you remember how much publicity?
This gun got you.
Yeah.
This gun saved your whole fucking career.
Career.
And that's temporary.
Yeah.
Just like how we can ignite your career, Jerry, we can take you out just as easily.
You want to look like your friend, California?
Yeah.
We brought you into this world.
We can take you out just as easily.
I would just, if I was Jerry, I would just give them the op-ed.
Yeah.
I would just give us a vouch and make sure they were good friends again.
Yeah.
I don't even, I don't need a vouch from him.
I'll just go to PD.
I'm just, I am sad, Jerry.
I feel like you, you don't like me or, and Mac especially.
No, Jerry's.
Most of the scene, to be honest.
Jerry is just a sad, miserable guy.
I was asking him a gal, why are you always sad and miserable?
And did he say, it was just, you're talking to him?
And then he said, I ran away.
Did he say that it's maybe, cause I've heard him talk about how you called him gay and then people think he's gay and keep bringing it up.
And it's kind of a stain on his career, which I think isn't the right way to say it, but it shouldn't be.
I mean, it should help me.
It's a distraction.
It should help him get booked more.
It should.
So that is another way that we're helping Jerry.
Right.
By calling him gay.
We defended him at all costs.
Yeah.
Got him huge press.
Made him gay to get booked.
And then, and we're treated by him rigging the elections.
It just makes me sad.
I just, it's like ham talon all over again.
I thought we were tight.
Yeah.
We were tight.
Jerry, remember all the times that we hung out at North Bar and then you do this to us?
We feel shunned right now.
I feel like.
Actually, no, I like Jerry cause they gave me the best host award.
So actually I'm all good.
Brandon gave you that.
Brandon, and then he wrote the L into my name, which he didn't, he spelled my name wrong.
Yeah.
Everyone thinks you're Bill Maher's brother.
It's crazy.
It's just what I think I am in my head.
And then it's like, people don't even know how to spell your name.
People don't know how to say your name.
And you're not that.
You probably feel like WTF.
Yeah.
I'm well more like WTH.
Yeah.
What the heck?
Folks, we got a really cool Patreon episode coming up.
So.
Catch it.
It's going to come out on Thursday.
The whatever the.
Thursday.
It's enough.
It's on Thursday.
If you're, if you're a patron, if you're a patron, you have early access.
You know, you're obviously listening on Monday when this episode drops.
If you're, if you're a peasant, then you're listening on Wednesday.
Just fucking subscribe to us.
And just, if you don't like it, just unsubscribe.
Yeah.
I still haven't raised.
It's a four dollar.
I was supposed to raise the price in November and I still forgot.
So it's cutting into our profits.
We're actually, we're, we are heavily losing money.
I've lost so much money from this.
So is Mac.
We are.
This studio folks.
Our studio is burning down.
Like we're in LA right now.
And in a matter of probably hours, this studio will be rubble.
They have no idea though, honestly, the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into this production.
Yeah.
Just real like there's so much like six hours a week, every week, like, yeah.
Which takes your basically your whole day from social battery comedy energy.
Mac was letting us use this room, which could have been rented out.
Yeah.
As like a, as a studio.
This is my LA condo.
Yeah.
And it's like, okay, maybe we're in talks with New York.
Maybe you weren't talks with.
Well, I think next week we have a problem.
Next week we'll be back in Chicago studio.
Also the flights out here to LA have been kind of expensive too.
But to say like we make money from this is it's a, it's a funny idea.
Back in my day.
But we get just a little kickback.
Yeah.
But then just the ways it costs us in opportunity cost.
Oh yeah.
We get like, uh, like two bucks.
We really get paid like less than minimum wage.
Oh, way less.
And so we'd like to pretend to flex, but it's really going to help us out.
Yeah.
Give us $4, man.
Yeah.
You don't even have to listen to supports of the goddamn broadcast, but you should.
Two bucks each.
And then Apple takes a cut.
Apples takes an additional 30% now.
So we're talking about you might give me a dollar 40 a month.
Yeah.
For.
Yeah.
This is fucked up.
This fucking subs.
It's like 10 cents an hour.
Just go to Patreon.com slash bad comedy.
Or if you want to support Alex Jones and us, then go to the Alex Jones store.com slash bad comedy.
And buy Malort.
Picture us making shoes.
Yeah.
And we're children.
What if, what if we started guys, you realized if you fund this operation more, we can start doing way cooler shit.
We can get, um, I mean, we have all these, we have this whole crew that we have to pay back here to do the production for us.
Like, do you think that that's cheap?
No, it's, I mean, shout out to the crew.
Love you guys.
Yeah. And I mean, they do this essentially for free.
We don't even live on camera.
Um, but I mean, if it wasn't for the crew, this wouldn't be able to happen.
And if you don't, if we don't get more patrons, then we're gonna have to fire the crew.
And it's tough when you have people whose livelihood and their lives really depend on.
Well, the show must go on.
The crew is losing their homes probably because of the, because of LA.
And do they deserve it?
No.
We'll see.
We'll see what the fans think.
Yeah.
I'll see what the fans think.
Um, so.
There's so many stylistic choices where we just stay true to ourselves.
Still say whatever we want, even though we can't make money from it on YouTube or whatever.
Yep.
And it's harder to grow.
Three years, it's still $3.99 a month.
Okay.
Think about that inflation.
Basically we make a cent per patron.
We're really making a doll.
That's crazy.
We make one cent.
We're making one dollar, one dollar and 40 cents a month per person.
We make one cent per patron.
That's literally what it is.
It doesn't even make sense.
In dollar cost.
In dollar cost averaging.
That's what it is.
I did the math.
You want to get one cent.
Actually, no, we get one cent total.
Wait, is actually true.
Each.
Yeah.
Once a month.
That's more than my deal was written up to include, but yeah, I'm want to renegotiate.
We get used to smelling salts and stuff in there.
It's true.
Yeah.
But folks, hey, um, subscribe because we got a huge episode dropping Thursday.
This Thursday.
If you're listening to this after Wednesday or Monday, then it's already out on Patreon.
Massive.
Guys, one thing you might not realize is we have about 250 episodes behind the paywall
that, actually probably closer to 275 that have never seen the light of day.
Every guest episode and every episode until we went public like fucking what?
Public with half of our episodes.
Not even half probably probably guest episode.
Probably over over half of our regular episodes are behind the paywall too.
So we're probably talking shit about you and you need to know that you need to see that.
Find out.
Yeah.
Find out.
Man, we'll see cats to feed.
We'll see it.
Yeah.
I got bills to pay.
I got cats to feed and ain't nothing in this world for free.
Pay my telephone bill.
Pay my automobile.
Pay my pay for me to get another.
Pay for me to get another gun.
Oh, follow me.
Yeah.
Follow me at bad boy comedy center money at comedy baddie.
Baddie.
You just send me money directly instead of.
No, send to the Patreon.
It's cool.
Now you send it to the Patreon.
Got two cats at home.
So they're all kind of important.
They're starving to his operation.
His cats are starving.
I went to his house.
They're so skinny.
They're very they're thinning.
Yeah.
I call it fasting for cats.
That's smart.
You intermittent fast.
I just don't feed them for a week or so.
Yeah, that's good.
They're like, I mean, daddy.
Yeah.
Like you're still here.
It's a good diet.
It's intermittent fasting.
So you just got to let the cats fast for a while.
And they are locked in.
And then you give a little bit of food.
Yeah.
Like maybe you're at someone's house and like you get a little bit of dog food and bring
it back to them.
And I'm always surprised they don't know how to break out.
Like I love it, but I'm just have to withhold food sometimes.
So they think I'm a god.
Yeah, that's true.
You think that cats would be able to break out of your house because cat woman, she can
break in anywhere.
They broke into my closet.
They flooded the apartment beneath me.
Maybe they just like me.
I locked Josie in my bedroom because I wanted to run my little vacuum robot vacuum thing.
And then Josie eventually just sort of like ramming into the door.
Wow.
Josie gets scared.
They'll do anything.
All right, folks, catch that.
We have Josie as a guest coming up and it's going to be quite exciting.
We love you all and stay true.
God bless America.
Stay true to God.
Keep it real.