Hey, folks, welcome to Bad Comedy Podcast.
Just just getting started.
My name is Mac from the Bad Comedy Podcast here with Dylan
Roof Dahmer from the Bad Comedy Podcast and the coin shortage.
Alex Domo Gala Domo Domo Ola Gala. Yeah.
Mrs. Alexandra Alexandria Ocasio
along those lines. Yeah.
So folks, we got it.
We got a bunch on the docket today.
Brian Crow and Donald Trump are the two main topics.
Cha-ching. So I love because those are the topics
you said you wanted to go over when you in their text group, right?
Oh, my God.
But I'm drinking some chardonnay.
Jordan said she don't want to drive six hours to talk about Donald Trump
and Brian Crow, and I was like, what the heck?
I was in Indiana with my family.
But she would hate a car ride with us.
Yeah, no, we we actually didn't even talk about Brian Crow, really.
Oh, I did.
Do you see my Christmas brand crow I got from my dad?
Yeah, that was nice.
He gave him a bird kind of Santa bird.
But you know what my dad said?
He said, I thought you I thought you'd like this.
Like for some reason, I saw it and I thought you'd like this.
Like for your podcast, maybe like make fun of somebody.
He knows you so well.
He knows what to buy.
I was like, I think that dad listens to every episode.
He's like anything.
I know who Brian Crow is.
Really? I mean, he's a sweet guy who has a bit for everything.
Yeah. Yeah.
I need to start.
Well, they'll they'll say he wants to do a podcast with my dad.
I know Albers and my dad.
Yeah. And so you won't do one with your dad.
Shout out to Max Dad. What's up?
Well, that'd be nepotism.
Yeah, it would be actually.
But I feel like remember when I gave you that tool time t shirt
and you regifted it and it kind of it's maybe that's why you didn't get a gift
this year.
Yeah, he's no rebuttal.
It didn't fit.
Oh, no. The mic's falling apart.
I had you rent a guitar for Christmas.
Oh, yeah. So I've been teaching my cats how to play guitar
and really the orange one actually kind of gets it like you'll pot
the strings and try to bite them and any good.
I got a couple of vids of it.
You got some good content.
Yeah, that's what I call content.
You know, I was thinking that'd be a cool like like coming of age movie
or a con yeah.
Coming of age movie where my cats learn to play guitar and they start a band
and.
You know, the cool cats, maybe or or origins
orange Sabbath or something.
But yeah, Max having a breakdown right now, he is not ever let me talk
this long uninterrupted before it's.
Yeah, he's no, it's actually hilarious.
What do you want my my short circuit right now?
Because it's usually coming off anyway.
And finally, the fans can hear me talk for a little bit.
It's still an hour.
Mm hmm. It's the
Dylan and Alex show where Max not allowed no Max allowed.
Yeah. So today I'm drinking some Chardonnay.
I bought it because it says Kendall Jackson and I like.
Dude, you're like down that whole fucking glass.
Holy shit. Yeah, I gave Mac a little bit in exchange for a shot.
I thought he might just generously give me the shot, but then he made me
exchange it for some of my wine and I don't have that much.
And I don't have that much left anymore, but
thankfully, I started buying wine because it's thirteen point five percent,
which rounds up, and that's just about how Mac is about thirteen percent Jewish.
So I feel like that's a good percentage for bad luck.
But you know, shout out to Max mom.
She's the only reason that his tick tock ever did anything.
And shout out to Max dad, who got the biggest laugh in our live show.
So we're kind of living in Max parents shadows.
But yeah, and your brother.
You know, yeah, his hot brother, a model.
Yeah. Oh, now we're all not.
But Mac was a child model and he got
molested basically.
And so that's how he got into comedy.
He needed to distance himself and repress the memory.
Correction. I got Celeste.
OK, first of all, second of all, I've been doing comedy for 31 years.
So I did that when I started doing comedy when I got Celeste.
It's been doing improv for 31 years.
Yeah, I started doing it because I watched Bo Burnham inside in college.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I think the worst way to start comedy. Yeah.
No, I was a big Louis CK fan
and I was I was always the funny guy around, you know.
Yeah, but put Louie on a piano. See what happens.
Yeah, I'd watch Louie and then Anthony Jeselnik, which I now hate.
No, I just put up on my note yesterday.
Jeselnik is cringe.
And then Jessica Misatano said, fuck you.
Oh, and I was supposed to block her next time.
She was mean to me and I forgot block her.
But she's still on her final warning.
I mean, he is kind of cringe. Yeah. Yeah.
And but then she said he's a gem and I just went off.
I mean, he used to be and then he fell off.
He fell off. And that's fine.
We all thought however, he's a comedian for non comedians. Right.
He's a jack in the box comedian.
And every joke is a like is set up that's not offensive.
And then he's like, whoops, it's offensive.
It's like we all know the format of it.
It's just not funny at some point.
I just think he used to he definitely used to be better.
He was like it was more fresh.
But then now it's just every joke is a minute long for one laugh.
There's space in between.
He's like, yeah.
And then he still thinks he has this greatness.
And I just think.
No. Well, I was listening to like his podcast
and that he does with like his football friend.
And he was like, yeah, I just like ran out of jokes.
Like I'm serious.
That was like three years ago. So yeah.
We still the same like we used to do this.
Anthony Jezalmack segment.
Mm hmm. How easy it is.
So here I'll do one.
It's a jack of the box joke.
So I took I took my daughter,
you know, swimming in the pool
because that's what good dads do.
And we went in the pool and.
She drowned.
OK, that's like an answer.
Or like, yeah, I was I was smoking a cigarette
outside of the show.
The other day.
No, you wouldn't say that. Sorry. Yeah.
If he did, it would add some.
No, that's too much flavor.
It would make it better. Yeah.
But so smoking a cigarette outside of a show and
someone walked up to me and said,
are you Anthony Jezalmack?
And I said, I'm Anthony.
I'll fuck your neck.
I'll kill you. Then I killed and I killed him.
In his neck.
That's OK. That's actually really funny.
Like if I would say that,
it probably wouldn't get a laugh.
Like people would probably just like yell at me.
You have a good how that Holocaust
or that Nazi Germany one.
I was like, I went to Nazi Germany.
And we go to the voice.
I think that Nazi Germany was like the punchline.
So it's not going to work.
I think it was like.
I think I know what it is. It's.
The Jewish guy walks into walks into a bar
and it was in Auschwitz.
It turns out it was it was 1940s Germany
and then they took them.
They killed them.
That was pretty good.
That's that's that's a joke formulation.
Someone's screaming.
Yes, someone is dying.
I think it's because we're doing just I did.
I did kidnap Michael Robinson because I hate him now.
I he's hogtied in.
My closet.
Oh, no, he sounds like a baby.
Yeah, that's your baby like neighbor.
Oh, these kids scream.
No, we should we should.
Folks, maybe you can hear it, but we should listen
to just in case something's happening. Yeah.
Well, like Jesus, right?
I mean, nothing.
What a interesting.
Yeah, there's a baby crying in the background.
Now, the babies, baby, just those kids scream.
They're not even like that young enough to be able to scream
as much as they do. They need some.
We need like zones for babies to like cry.
Yeah, I don't want more boxes.
I don't want. Yeah.
They need to discipline those kids.
Oh, yeah. I do.
I go to a diner.
There's a fucking baby crying near me.
I go to a bowling alley. There's a baby crying.
Why are you taking your fucking baby bowling?
They're not going to remember that.
Next time you see that you're not both have an idea.
Next time you see that, grab the baby, bowl the baby down the lane.
No, I literally I'm like, I.
OK, you like babies.
I was like on a date, but seriously, if I wasn't, I would.
I would have like turned the mom and went, hey. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Like you're having a bowling moment with your with your with your toddler,
your three year old brain.
It's like, what do you get a babysitter create a job?
Maybe you maybe take someone bowling who's going to remember it like me.
Why don't you leave your baby?
I'll be to see your baby.
It'll be the most safe baby ever. I have a gun.
Your little baby fucking bowling.
It's loud. It's disgusting bowling for soup.
That you have a little gutter lane covers just to.
It's like a participation.
I actually kept a participation trophy from bowling
for my whole life. I still have it.
So maybe it's actually positive because for a while I didn't have anything.
And then I still have my bowling trophy and add my soccer trophy.
My coaches made sure I scored a goal in the last game of the season.
And it was like an uppity fucking high school.
I got I got I got a ribbon.
In chess, I got a ribbon. I got a ribbon.
I'm from up north where people.
I want a ribbon. I didn't win a trophy.
Was it a participation trophy?
It was like, yeah, it was like 20th, 50th place or so.
Mac buys participants.
I think I think I think I made it past the first round in the tournament.
All right. Yeah.
So what's your favorite kind of trophy participation,
masturbation, wife, wife.
I remember telling my coach, I don't need to score a goal, man.
This is this is a waste of time.
Let's let's pass it to Kasey who's a kickboxer.
He's going to score more goals for our team. Right. I know ego.
And then he taught me to have an ego because I scored a goal.
And are you sure he wasn't a ego salesman?
He's going to sell you waffles.
And he's you need to have some egos.
And you kind of took it the wrong way.
I'm saying I need some more egos.
Let's pass it to the kids.
And that's I bet the other people in the team were trying to steal it
for the from you and you're like, let go my ego.
That was my greatest skill in sports.
What does that even mean? Let go my ego.
That was their motto.
Yeah. But what does that even mean?
It's like, let go of my ego.
Oh, let go. OK.
People are so good, people are trying to steal from you.
And that's what they actually do.
Pause off my they legalize that in California for a while,
stealing egos out of people's hands.
They still don't. Yeah. Yeah.
Up to a thousand dollars.
Legalize it.
Yeah. California is a utopia.
Bob Marley was talking about this.
He was talking about some saying legalize it was legalizing
stealing egos from other people.
He was like, yeah, legalize it.
A steal the ego when they let go of their ego.
Did you see that open mic comic who they said that he's been stealing from places
and which one there is like in the comedy, like scene page?
There's like five of them.
The Chicago one.
It was like the new one.
The new one. They're saying that there's this guy who is
apparently he went to the mall or something in like he
he stole two big coolers.
He steals from Dick Sporting Goods is his main target.
Oh, that rules.
And he like he would send the coolers down the elevator
and then he would ride the escalator down.
You'd fill the cooler with stuff because I think he's tried to take him
down the escalator before.
But then it's yeah, he was just stealing stuff.
And it said that he'd fill the cooler.
No, it was just just the coolers.
But there were three hundred dollars and they apparently don't go after people
for theft under a thousand right now.
They change that. I'm like, damn, you shouldn't publish that
because now I'm going to go steal anything under a thousand.
You just walk out the store and they don't do anything.
I know. Which is crazy to tell.
Was it California?
No, that was Chicago.
Chicago.
Or it's supposed to be 300.
But still, do we still have that in Chicago?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Because California with during the general vote, they voted that rule to end
where you can because you can't small businesses can't survive
if people can just steal up to that, which is a good thing.
I say anarchy. Yeah.
I don't I'm not fan of rules.
I like Xanarky.
That's all Xan's rep group.
Yeah. The other day, I look like the guy.
So kind of imploding right now.
I think that's maybe Blake Burkhart can work that into his act.
He'll say, I looked like the guy the other day.
That guy needs to save face right now.
Let's just keep it at that.
Yeah. After we after I exposed the secret again.
Yeah. This fake secret has been well, it's been under wraps for years.
He thought it was gone. Nope.
Part of anarchy is you create rumors about people.
I saw Jolly Bean sinking threes after, you know, just three after three.
She was taking half court shots.
She made a bunch of them.
I didn't know that she was a basketball virtuoso.
When did you play basketball with Jolly Bean?
I saw her at the park.
Is she like, is she like Yao Ming?
The Bebop Park. Mm hmm.
What the heck?
Does she does she does she carry jelly beans with her?
I was wondering that.
I think that she was recharging with jelly beans on the sidelines
because I saw her take a few too many breaks.
Honestly, I was like, why even here?
If you're going to sit out this much and just shove this candy down your mouth.
Yeah. She was sinking.
You know, she got picked first every time and wow.
I was just kind of watching.
She dunk. I didn't see her dunk.
No, but she also I don't think she was really interested in it.
She was like, oh, she's like a sniper.
Yeah. Like she doesn't even have to.
Everyone else is always always does threes.
I respect that. If that I mean, whenever I play basketball,
when I played basketball in middle school, I would only do threes
and I in one in one game, I air all of them.
Well, I would make in one game, I got a lot of three pointers.
Oh, like people gave you pointers in my career.
I got more three pointers than two pointers, but I also got a lot of bench time.
I got a lot of four pointers.
This again, that's what Jolly Beans should give.
But they they banned it, which I thought was systemic racism.
But then I was a kid, I was just like, hey, pass.
I was pointing to other kids.
Pass to him, pass to him. Don't pass to me.
I was like a coach on on the court.
I don't pass the ball much.
A lot of people like a lot of people call me a ball hog.
Yeah. See, I know ego like that.
Yeah. So we would be great teammates.
I'll be feeding you the rock. Yeah. Yeah.
I did. I did.
Will Ferrell and John Sear in
in a really talladega nights when it's like maybe I can do the shaking big.
Yeah. Well, if I win, you can't win.
Where is it? Yeah, I did.
I did see Jolly Bean like in Chinatown.
Oh, yeah. It's like I'm not trying like that.
I'm being serious. I saw her better be a true.
No, I saw her in Chinatown in a Chinese restaurant.
I went there after like a film school shoot.
Bullshit thing.
It'd be funny if she was in a Chinese jelly bean candy.
No, she was sitting she was sitting there for pickup.
And I turn to her and I'm like, I need more Asian people in my movie.
And it's fine because the guy was working with me is Chinese.
Which is why did you go to Chinatown?
She was sitting there for what?
She was asked. She was just sitting there for.
Yeah. Oh, no.
They basketball.
Did you go to China to find an Asian person?
No, what is?
That's a good comment.
That's a good angle to find a black guy.
Wait, is there an actual thing where you go to find people for?
No, no, no. What is pickup actually?
You can go to Portage Park and find a Polish person.
We would make the best basketball team.
I got a lot of Polish farts there.
Well, I know I like this. My favorite is first generation.
It's like a fucking eight twenty four horror movie.
They they I love that they yell and I I at first I thought they were rude.
But then I realized that that's just kind of their form of communication.
So I kind of yell back and they respected me.
OK, I told you it was a weird thing.
It's weird thing with that culture where it's different than like.
Or maybe they just like didn't understand you because none of them know English.
No, they would. They said they had the vaccines.
They knew English.
But with with most of my Polish customers, when I yelled back,
it didn't escalate it more.
They're like, oh, this guy, this guy's cool.
But with any other culture, it would escalate it a lot.
If I raise my voice.
Mm hmm. I can see that being escalation.
It's like a classic Karen technique escalation.
No breathing.
Have you guys ever been to the picnic digital food court?
What the heck? No digital food court.
Yeah. So last night was the Wrigley Field area.
Yeah. Yeah. It's like Avondale.
Oh, it's an Avondale. Avondale.
I was joking. It was just like that park outside of Wrigley Field.
OK, we should like raise our hands if we're joking when we're joking.
So I know for my little special brain, because I'm special.
What if I told you that wasn't Jolly Bean?
Who was it?
Who knows?
Adam, if I told you the whole time that that wasn't Jolly Bean,
it was Michael Jordan.
It's really quickly.
They look alike. Yeah, they do.
Yeah. But no, we like to blend reality and reality together.
Like the Joker's real.
But then what about Asian Joker? Yeah.
He's like rice. So Siri Rice.
But yeah, you want to know how I got this rice?
OK.
Looking mean, dude.
Dale said that that was a good one. Yeah.
Was. No.
Yeah. What does he know?
What is one of the funniest comics in Chicago?
No, I don't know.
One of the skinniest comics to it.
Yeah. It's like.
Blake looks like him.
Yeah, Blake is skinny.
Yeah. Right.
The Chippendale Blakendale.
Yeah, we can.
They just need fedoras and they'll be like a 1920s like comedy duo.
And Blake, they'll slip on bananas and shit and drink a lot.
And I can picture the picture of the cartoon versions of them.
I mean, Dale, he could definitely be like a like a gofer.
I go for. Yeah. Go for mobster.
He'd be the guy that you go visit who's at the Italian restaurant.
And yeah, in the in the corner booth.
He was with us.
Do you know what was that?
It was like some about Jordan or something.
Joe Bananas is in it.
It's called like some like about Michael Jordan.
Yeah. And that there was a bookie in it, which is perfect for Dale.
He's like, you owe me money.
I'm going to break your fingers.
I still think they should have put him as the penguin in the
guys look up Dale McPeak and let me know if
it would have been a wiser decision for the DC people to have.
Dale probably pay him $100 an episode versus Colin Farrell.
Yeah, no makeup.
But I feel like he would be interested in a digital food court.
What is that? Is that the Sims?
Oh, I like forgot I was literally even talking about that. Yeah.
I don't know if you're pissed off to you guys.
So yeah, sorry, we kind of got off track.
No, I'm zoning out.
Let's get back on track in Avondale.
I'm always hungover and I'm on my period.
Yummy comedy.
Anthony Jezelnik.
Yeah. Or like Amy Schumer.
Anthony just jizzes.
I was watching the Simpsons.
It was it was born.
I think I I'm almost positive.
I rented a car to Anthony Jezelnik's dad
because his name was Anthony Jezelnik.
And so I think I think I got to look it up.
But I think he's a junior and he was from.
I think it was
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, whatever, whatever city.
He does like was from probably New Hampshire.
No, no, it's in Pennsylvania.
So it was it was like I think it's Philadelphia.
And he was from Philadelphia's Anthony Jezelnik.
And I was too scared to ask him. I should have asked him.
And he said, yeah, I get that a lot. Thanks.
Yeah. So I get a lot.
He said, yeah, he's saying my jokes.
I'll say my sounds crazy. Yeah.
He's a wild, wild, wild boy.
Just told me that he's bisexual, actually, which I didn't know.
Yeah. Well, let's wait.
Who? What?
Just Mr. Tonno said that Anthony Jezelnik is bisexual.
I argue that I don't think so.
I would argue that all women are.
You can't say is not.
I think I am. I guess.
I think all women are bisexual, like to some extent, one or another.
And he did. He would say all men are bisexual.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
If you wake up and he's
everyone can be bisexual, but not everyone is.
Every girl, everyone can.
That's not true.
I know I'm the straightest woman on the block.
I've seen. I've seen. I've seen a lot.
Yeah, I'm so straight.
I've seen a lot more straight girls kiss or make out than
than straight men.
Well, yeah, but it's like because of spectacle.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a pick me girl tactic.
Yeah, yeah. It's because of hyper reality.
It's because of.
I'm such a. Yeah.
Men are men are stuck in the Hillary.
No, it's because men are stuck in this
this prison that you guys put us in where we can't express ourselves
when making out with our friends.
You can you can make out.
No, that's gay.
That's gay, but it's not it's not lesbian.
If women do it.
Why is it not lesbian?
It's not. It's just hot.
Well, how?
It's not it's not Brad.
Well, it's not.
It's it's that's that's very 2023 of you.
Wow. Oh, my God.
Women make.
Where's that's not twenty twenty three women.
You could call me old.
But I'm fucking that was this summer.
I am old.
I just got to watch women making.
I got to watch the most classic, like hot thing.
This thing, what is it?
I think there's a we're going to rate what's
the hottest things on the block right now or.
Yeah. Number one.
Oh, sorry.
That's Alex Jones.
That's basically it.
Oh, I can't hear.
No, then what else?
And then girls making me mean
Elon Musk when he gets his robot body.
Might be most improved, I guess.
But. Right.
Bad things.
People say bad things about him.
Apparently. Yeah.
Elon Musk is, I guess, talking about taking a zempik
he's getting too chubby.
Doesn't want to be so funny.
Well, what I think you should do and apparently this other tech guy
Marc Andreessen, he's been saying that Elon's been working on
like an Iron Man suit.
Yeah.
That the thing like a actual effective one.
So I think that Elon is just going to get a robot body
and just make it a hot body.
But do you think every rich person is going to do that?
Well, I you know what I think?
I think the best next step for the human race is we all just get our heads
put on robot bodies that cuts away all all of Medicare expenses.
You think they're going to put me on a robot?
Well, you have to.
I have. And you can pick two legs, spider legs.
He's just trying to get us to do spider legs with them.
Yeah, it's all right.
He doesn't want to be the only one.
If I if I buy him, will you guys get spider legs with me?
If you realize it's not going to make it,
it's not going to work.
No, I mean, you want your crew to be spiders with you,
but we're just going to get ostracized the way you would know.
No, not for all.
Now we roll together when we go out.
No, but it's like that's it, though.
No, but no.
So what's going to be chilling with the spiders at the club?
No, think about it.
I can let us in.
Even think about it.
We'll be out and fit through the door.
The squat be embarrassing.
No, you kind of fold them in a little bit when you're working.
Oh, that's eight fold in eight legs.
Yeah.
The technology, this is it's something.
I hope that they have a ramp.
If we if we get a squad with robotic spider legs
and we're out and about all the time, it becomes a cool thing.
And then and then later on, when you're on your own, they're like,
oh, shit, you're one of those spider legs.
I actually have nine legs.
That's what I would be my line.
And then you just have a robot.
Yeah, but then I would just trip on stuff all the time with one of my legs.
And it's like, oh, yeah.
But now you're like introducing people becoming animals.
And that's kind of like furry shit.
It's kind of gross. Yeah.
But people becoming animals.
No, it's like people are animals.
Well, yeah, yeah.
But like, you know what I'm trying to say?
And then we're going to like normalize bestiality.
No, no.
Going to go down that route.
No, not be a consent for a spider. Right.
No, it would be more normalizing having sex with spider robots.
Yeah. So it's well, how could you tell them apart?
Like, you can't tell them like interlinked.
They can't do the test.
How am I going to the better the robot looks more like a spider?
So you can't tell.
There's no spider big enough for me to have sex with.
No, no real spider.
What's small enough?
Would you tarantula?
I can't say the tarantula.
Tarantula sexual.
I can't. I can't even.
I think so, but I came in a sex with the elephant.
Yeah, no, that's why you want the spider legs.
You just want a lady with spider legs.
I am looking for a beautiful queen, a beautiful.
Like, would they be like robot legs or would they be like actual legs?
So you still have your arms and stuff, but then you have mechanical spider legs
that come out and you roll around like this with your squad.
And it's like, we're the bad guys.
Yeah, it's like we're the bad boys.
Like, oh, shit, it's the spiders.
We're spiders. It's the it's a spider.
Just kind of dark.
And at first, people will be weirded out about it,
but then it'll be cool as shit because they're super expensive.
But yeah, I got this at so edgy.
Like one of those one wheel things.
Well, but is it permanent? Like a unicycle?
Yeah, like an electric unicycle that I know it's not like, no, dude.
Every time I see someone
like riding one of those things, I want to just run them fucking over.
Unison. If I was that way, you're talking shit about unicycles.
I'm talking about electric unicycles.
I'm talking about one of those one wheel things.
My dad, my dad, it likes riding unicycles.
He's good at it, too.
Of course he does. Oh, my God.
This is why you hate liberals.
But then it's like you want to turn the you like you want to make it attain
because they ride unicycles.
No, I mean, my dad also he rolled late.
I think also skin a buck and run a truck line.
He's a country boy. Can't survive. Oh, OK.
Is there lyrics? Is he like, oh, yeah, there are lyrics.
No, but he grew up on a farm.
I literally I listen to only instrumental music.
Mm hmm. Yeah, I literally don't know.
Your opposite. You know, the.
I didn't even hear the music.
The human voice is the best instrument.
He's just like, well, yeah.
Yes. But sometimes I don't want to hear people talk. Period.
Or a cappella.
What about that?
How is fucking garbage or kind of a barbershop quartet?
I'm not just saying that because I didn't get in.
You didn't get in.
I like school. Really?
Oh, you're that is an elite group to get in only four or five people.
Sprite sprite alert sprite full alert. Yeah.
Do you mean the sprite club?
Yeah, you got a thing full of sprite.
You're being pretty.
Sprite. You're being pretty spriteful.
Yeah. No, it's. Oh, no.
I can't imagine how bad as the barbershop quartet was walking through the halls.
That's what we envision for the spider legs.
So art is like there's only four of us and.
Yeah, some people wish they could be us.
Yeah, you can't be in the barbershop quartet because you have to buy.
These are expensive legs.
But then if they start singing, you know, but then the visuals away,
if they start making fun of us, we'll kick them with our robot legs.
Some of that.
And then, yeah, it's like, oh, shit.
And then you thought of us like, like, what about right?
I'll also be like boom, boom, boom, boom.
And one would be like, hey, that's that's an image.
But like, good.
OK, if you go to the TSA, if you go through the TSA,
could you would you be all right?
They'll say that's sick. Let them through.
But we don't I don't even know if you go to other countries, then.
You want to be going out there?
Hey, you would.
I mean, I'd other countries would marvel at it.
Then you got to think about spider diseases and.
No, but it won't be, you know, but you won't have the spider DNA.
You just have to. It's just is eight legs.
That's all it is.
We're saying I'm just saying that's kind of like a waste.
Yeah, that's like a waste of robot material.
Are you saying that it's like, do you want to say this house?
Is there a waste of creation?
There's probably a reason they have eight legs through evolution.
I don't kill spiders.
No one here kills spiders because I just think I only kill.
I create I only kill spiders when I see them, you know.
I killed one when they're inside my territory.
Yeah, that's true.
Like, I think this is my property rights.
I should have known better.
You broke into my house, spider.
Mm hmm. You're dead.
Yeah, there goes consciousness forever for you.
Sometimes I shoot spiders in my gun.
I go daddy long legs.
Mm hmm.
Dude, that's what I would be.
That's what I call myself.
If I had spider legs, I'm daddy long legs.
So call me daddy long legs.
Would you hit would you quit comedy?
No, I'd be the king of comedy.
How would that like that's what people find funny?
Hey, I'm daddy long legs.
You're like, he's so cool.
People would come to the daddy long legs show from all around the world.
Spiders from all around.
It is a very good. Yeah, it's not.
No, but it's like, yeah, it's physical.
It's a it's kind of a very thing.
I often get I get I get the leg.
Oh, you cut your legs off, too.
Yeah. So amputating your own.
I guess I'm like a cyborg.
Essentially.
Are you going to have an ass?
No. OK, just no.
Oh, this my dick.
Or just my two asses.
Interesting. So they'll cut like this.
And then maybe maybe I'll have an ass.
No, I probably won't have an ass.
Not much of one, it sounds like.
Yeah, I probably want to keep the ass.
I won't have much of a donk.
Keep the donk.
She got to put the donk on top of the legs.
You know, that's so kind of.
She got it down.
Yeah. My sister used to listen to the most like
she's like kind of like a feminist now, but she's also the most like
that's good.
So I just think the yeah, like.
Wait, is she for be no wonder she's no, not at all.
She's married. OK, boo.
She can't be a furby.
She's not like far.
She's like Antifa. Thank you.
But she used to listen to like
hood rap music.
She'd know she'd bump this song called Suck It or Not by Lil Wayne and Cameron.
Lil Wayne.
And she's a little way.
It's like I get brain in the strangest places to at the same time.
He's always just talking about getting heard.
He's like Anthony Joselink of rap.
It's a hack.
OK, the hack now he rips himself off.
Guys, shut the fuck up.
Point in time when you got to change it up.
Mac Miller, Kanye West, Mac Miller died.
Yeah, I know, but I'm just saying he had so many different styles.
Jimmy Carter died.
He did. Yeah.
That little humanitarian.
Yeah. One term, one term president.
Oh, there's a guy.
We gave away the Panama Canal.
That's a bad thing. That's good.
He was a good hearted man.
But unfortunately, that that that was one big issue that he did.
My friend said her grandpa one time had to lend his car
to Jimmy Carter for some random thing.
Jimmy Carter.
Yeah. And then Jimmy Carter turned the car back into him.
It was dirty as hell.
And really no gas.
Even he didn't fill up the tank.
What the heck?
You think my grandpa's turning in his grave right now?
Yeah. Yeah. Jimmy Carter.
That's cool. They're just like cigarettes and bugs and stains.
You see the picture of Jimmy Carter after he voted
the picture of Jimmy Carter after he voted, shows him out like his birthday.
And he's just like,
oh, yeah, it's like you didn't press the vote button.
It's rough, you know, it's like, yep, he's here.
Yeah, I think I'm going to I think I'm going to call it a night
when I'm like 70, no, probably even like 56.
What are you going to do?
Well, I wouldn't off.
I wouldn't like just off yourself, just just decided to go down
like a super degenerate life. No.
Yeah. Voting or you mean like just start like doing math and.
Yeah.
Because you don't just want to like jump off a building or something.
At that point, I'd like indoor skydive. Right.
You can join. You can join cool drugs or drug circles.
You can get like, you know, like, get spider legs.
I drink a lot of moonshine. Oh, yeah.
I'd sit on the front porch, drink moonshine.
A lot of it smoke a lot of cigarettes.
Yeah. And then you got to find random activities that are high risk
and then yelling people that reason that step on your lawn
and say, you're going to get it if you step on my property.
Oh, my gosh.
Open dangerous situations just to feel something at that point.
Oh, yeah, you could.
I do that all the time.
You could be like a mercenary or something.
You could join Blackwater.
Wake up in the Middle East.
How do I get out of this situation?
Yeah, I wonder if I wonder if they would hire someone
who doesn't care about like someone who 70 who doesn't care about living anymore.
No, it's like if they would be rough trying to get jobs.
Like you see someone like, yeah, but what if you just do it for free?
It's like, yeah, just deploy me in Iraq.
There's like this guy that works.
You know, Blackwater is it's like it's like a like a company.
It's like a mercenary that the government hires.
Golden Sag.
Yes, the government will hire the government.
We'll hire them to go over there in addition to the U.S. Army.
Right. So it kind of looks like we have less people there,
but they just hire these people. Yeah.
I think they changed the name of Blackwater because there was some scandal.
But I think that's who runs the Walgreens across from me,
because there's this really old guy that works there.
And he's like the best customer service,
but he's too good at customer service.
So then you ask me questions like they make these people.
I swear, like you see, you ask, they have to ask.
Like, I remember my buddy worked there and said that they would make him say,
like, thank you and be well.
And then they would ask him, like, how many how many thank you and be well?
Is it you have this month?
And he put like a million like such a rebel.
But then they'll definitely make people ask, like, do you need bags?
Because like no matter like how many items you buy or just like what they are,
like it might be things that don't go in bags or something.
And I'm like, I feel bad for them having to ask, like, do you need bags?
But then this guy will ask too many questions because he's doing his job.
Or else. So I don't think he's black water.
Do you have an account like you want to?
I think he's a spy. I think he's a spy.
And he'll I don't think he's a black.
Can I see your ID?
It's all standard. But then it's just does he have an accent?
I just sometimes you see these like people that I don't know
if they were in the Great Depression, but they're just like the least depressed.
There's like the best customer service.
Some medals or something.
Yeah. The guy who asked you all these questions, does he have any kind of accent?
Mm hmm. I think it may be Russian spy.
KGB. Yeah. White man accent.
Oh, he was a cis white male. Yeah.
And he's like, that's the worst kind of person.
Yeah. It's just so polite.
Oh, my goodness. Fucking dude.
What you're saying you like cis white males.
He does enough to make me snap on him.
But I mean, how could he? Nice. Yeah.
There's a crime.
We've gone over this, but there's a crime
called blackmail that if you're a black male, you have to go to jail.
We'll shoot him and well, white and white man.
There's no white male crime.
Yeah, I don't mean to like dox this guy. Right.
But what's his name?
I don't know. It's probably probably know which Walgreens.
Oh, the one right across the street.
You'll know who I'm talking about if you go there.
I'm going to go there. I want to see this guy.
Probably Alex Jones. What hours is nice?
He is Alex Jones.
I think he works every hour he gets offered.
Does he look like guy?
He kind of does, actually.
But yeah, I don't think he's
being enough to Simpson porn in the bathroom.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Yeah, that's why I don't buy it.
That's why Blake Blase got fired from a lot of jobs for spending too much time.
He can't hold down.
Oh, man, don't go say that.
Yeah, come on. What?
He's an employee. He needs to host more shows.
Yeah, you feel bad for these people.
All right. Well, I'll justify it.
He's one of the best hosts in Chicago.
I can't imagine how unemployable I'll be when I'm like even like 50.
Because I already am.
Unemployable. Oh, I already don't fit in this corporate.
No, but your resume is probably really clean and good.
And well, not with like a three year gap.
You can always make some off for that gap.
Well, what about the gambling?
Those are the gambling.
Well, it goes down.
It goes down and up.
I'll be like, I need the money so bad.
That's why you need to count cards.
Just just do it. Get caught.
Get put in the back room, tied up and get punched and then you're good.
No, I just what if you just kept walking in here with black eyes
because you get caught at every casino?
Fuck, I thought I had them this time.
People do wear disguises to do that.
Our question with the casino.
These are they are most of them under the large casino brands like MGM.
Mm hmm. Like like what's Caesar's horseshoe under something?
Yeah, horseshoe, Caesar's.
What's downtown one?
Bally's is just Bally's, I think.
What about Bally's in Vegas?
And then there's one up north.
Yeah, walkie.
There's a pot of water.
Mia, I love that.
Pot of water. Me.
Yeah, that's like where I'm from.
It's like it's all pot of water.
Well, every time.
Yeah, that's the problem with canceling
Native American things is you'd have to rename every small town in Wisconsin.
Oh, literally in Chicago, the cherry lane or some shit.
Huh? Isn't Chicago named the horse?
Chicago, Milwaukee,
my the Kickapoo River, Kickapoo.
Yeah. I mean, every every.
That's funny. Yeah, Kickapoo.
Yeah, I would if I I would not kick a poop because I won't want to give me my shoe.
Mm hmm. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
If you have spider, how about that?
I'm not going to kick a poop to want to get it on my shoe.
You're going to have to buy four pairs of Jordans if you want to wear Jordans.
Yeah. A lot of people call me Jordan Peterson
because I'm like a smart guy.
You're like the Jordan Peterson.
Should you cry every time you hear of America?
Oh, the Jordan Peterson of America.
Because he's Canadian.
I'm Jordan Peterson.
Are you from Canada?
I'm from Canada.
Oh, they but they censored me so much.
I came to I came to America.
And then you went to Mexico.
But I miss all the maple syrup.
I feel like Dylan's more Jordan
because he's like he's wearing like the metrosexual garb.
Well, no, I'm from like you're going to take that for a peninsula.
And people say that's Canada or Alaska.
And they just say he must live in an igloo.
Well, I mean, he rides his snow
snowmobile to school.
What time someone called him?
Yeah, what's that?
Someone called an Eskimo.
And I was pissed for him because it's offensive.
Now, there's actually a school by me called Eskina
and they're like they were the Eskimos.
Yeah. And it's just like I'm like, you got to call them.
You got to call them into it.
Intuit Turbo Tech.
That's what this tribe is called.
Just because like the Native American name sounds like
like the Inuit, like which I think that's naughty.
They don't like that.
The funny thing is, say they're from Alaska.
It's they had to change the name Native American to indigenous people
because like we're Native American technically,
because we were born here.
The Eskina Eskimos, the Eshpeming Hematites.
Mm hmm. That's why the market.
Yeah. Let's come up with a new name for Native Americans right now.
OK. Indian blue skins.
I think I just think about real Americans.
We're. Oh, no, we can't say that.
I like in Japan, and this in Japan and this.
Jim is called Jim Ness North Americans.
How about how about how about the bad ass Tomahawk guys?
Tomahawk, the Tomahawk Tomahawks, Tomahawk people.
But there's probably there's probably there's probably a Tomahawk.
No, there's probably.
There's probably a tribe called Tomahawk that probably started using those.
And that's probably where it came from.
What does call them?
Like, yo, yo, that's that.
You know that word.
Yeah, I love that.
Yes. Do you like being called Caucasian?
Yeah, because it's like a Asian.
I feel like I'm not Caucasian.
Well, I'm like an Asian covered in like white, like like caulk,
not like caulk caulk, like like white.
So so what they do to make white people is right.
You grab an Asian person. OK.
I know it's because I'm white.
OK. They grab an Asian person and then they just put caulk
see a see a you
LK all over your body.
Sounds like hazing.
And it well, you've been through this and when you were a baby, you didn't even know.
So that's how white people were created. Wow.
I know it's like that. I saw this thing.
Most people are fucking gross.
Most people are born Asian and then just they just change the color of them
based on what they want them to be.
I saw a clip from this movie.
Yeah. Oh.
And Elvis was from 1989.
He was talking about what is the connection between elves and Nazis.
And then they said that
it was basically just saying.
Like if you were if you like.
If you resisted or something, something like you were punished with.
Darker skin and where do they find
it's hard to where they listen to find this video?
What's so in my algorithm?
That's a Nazi look of Nazi elves.
Yeah, some will pop up.
It just listed the character had multiple theories about the connection.
Yeah, there's a lot of there's a lot of Lord of the Rings stuff.
What about Elvish Presley?
So he's he's so he's like one of the he's in Lord of the Rings.
He's one of the elves.
But he he's just Elvis.
But his hair is blonde. Yeah.
Is that a jet black? Yeah.
And he beats his wife still.
He's like, yeah, he's like one king to rule them all.
Yeah, I'm the king of the elves.
Well, now you'll be the king of the snow.
Elvish Presley is an amazing character.
I got to give myself props for that.
What kind of props?
Not I would just say that was my props saying that was an amazing character.
Oh, you're you're too young to know like like.
I thought you were going to get tab dancing shoes.
Yeah, like if you give someone props, it's like, you know, like.
I want to be a prop comedian.
So fucking bad.
No, but this has nothing to do with.
I'm going to start bringing ukulele everywhere I go to open my.
So, you know, you would really be like breaking new ground if you did that.
I don't think I've ever.
Do you know? Do you know what's her name?
It's never been done.
What's her cat?
I think cat cat cat cat.
But yeah, she's like, say, look, my ass, I'll lick my favorite.
Well, she knows she knows she's not making art.
She knows like that's a first.
I have not seen her for like ever.
Well, I mean, stand up comedy is not art.
Yeah, so maybe I was like, I was not thinking about it.
The wrong way. Every every every word that comes out of my mouth
is a paintbrush that goes into people's ears.
You know, yeah, it's a good and it paints a picture in their mind
and it sticks to them and it may change their point of view.
So it's lead paint and it gives you right.
It could be damaging.
It's always it's always the worst thing.
Yeah, it's always lead.
I'm trying to be dick.
I do. I do like that.
That is kind of a artistic way to describe what is what is not.
I did paint a picture.
It's an artistic way to describe a non art, which is a stand up comedy.
But yeah, I remember her saying like, this is me.
I don't even make comedy or something.
I was like, OK, I guess she's more self aware than I thought.
But then it's just like that takes a lot of balls to fucking
just be playing songs that you don't even. Yeah.
She's like, like my pussy, my ass.
I have to leave her.
Like, yeah, she had us in her room and be like,
I really want to write a song about looking someone's asshole right now.
Yeah, I think it's really funny. Yeah.
So like maybe she's just saying it's not comedy to protect herself.
She's got a frat bush. Oh, wait, wait.
Is she like saying, wait, is she a part of the Bush family?
The dynasty? I mean, she's tougher than Jeb.
She is tougher than Jeff couldn't do that.
Jeb Bush is a weak.
Oh, my gosh. You should say that.
Well, she's right. Oh, she has the clap.
She has the clap.
I'm sure you can get rid of the clap.
That's a bacterial infection.
Thank you for the clap.
Yeah. Yeah.
Viruses are the ones you can't get rid of.
Dang. I think if you get enough time.
I literally didn't know that I just went away like three years.
What? It took like two years to get rid of.
You had to just kind of went away.
It's so personal. Yeah.
Yeah. So so my immune system is really good.
The only kind of clap you've ever gotten in comedy is the is the one
in your private parts.
Yeah. And and and the pity ones like your mom.
I know. I normally get from your mom and dad. Yeah.
Oh, no. My mom and dad create viral videos and standing ovations.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Yeah. How much?
Yeah. What's your like phone?
Chautami and Mark, the divorced, very passive aggressive.
I forgot that they're divorced.
Yeah. So it like was it your fault and why?
No, I'm my mom's favorite.
My dad's middle favorite.
So I'm one of four.
I'm the second sister and then me and then two younger brothers.
I was the oldest boy.
I was pretty much the oldest.
I was a leader.
You're the oldest boy, but not your father's.
But so I wasn't a middle child.
I was an upper middle child.
You know, I was kind of a class above the one below me.
And he had he had no person.
Sam Nepper, he sucks.
I still kind of hate him.
Yeah. I hope we prank.
No prank calls him nepper.
Maybe Alex says, oh, yeah, I guess.
What? Oh, I have a phone.
Yeah. I don't know.
It's not my heart.
What's one time I prank called him and I
and I told him that I was like, Sam,
I just got out of the doctor's office and
it turns out I have I got diagnosed with BAPD
and he was like, what's that?
Is that like bipolar?
I was like, that's big ass penis disorder.
And then he was like, oh, my God.
And he's joking.
At that point, he was.
Well, now, at first, it was a real call.
And then I scared him at the beginning.
He was then I was like, yeah, like
they didn't have measuring tape like big enough.
So they had to, you know, go to the store and get a way longer
measuring tape that they once they measure my dick.
It turns out I have big ass penises.
OK, this is they kind of not as really funny.
I enjoyed that.
There is. But it's it's on Instagram.
You can listen to it. OK, I love that.
Yeah. Plug that plug that put it in the links.
How big is your penis?
I don't know. Technically.
Like right now, like five.
You have balls. No.
I love so anyways.
I love Sarpina's pizza.
No, what I heard, what I heard, though, from the Internet
is that a lot of people hate that they're circumcised
and they're stretching their pee pees back.
Is that true?
I think it'd be like girl talk.
I just want to know.
People aren't people aren't uncircumcising,
but I think less people are circumcising their kids than prior.
It is like we know like they think about it like people.
People are getting surgeries.
People aren't getting surgeries as adults to become uncircumcised.
Yeah, that's crazy. Well, my.
But but but the idea of circumcision among people our age.
I know like I used to listen to
men, chains, the chain girls, but Matt McCusker was talking about.
That's where I heard it from.
Yeah. OK. So his stance on.
No, I just yeah.
He just thinks that men should be circumcised because it ruins the
the pleasure because it's supposed to be covered up the
the because it's tough for the top of the the tip of our dick.
Is it is it? Yeah.
Yeah. It's like crazy that they would give like
baby surgeries and it's like to keep them clean.
But then it's like I like moils.
It gives you like more like or like more sensitivity.
It's just kind of really like just weird in a lot of ways.
So in your opinion, I would never arrive at what looks better,
a circumciser on a circumcised.
Yeah, because uncircumcised looks like that.
That's a piece of our circumcised.
Yeah, because then I could stretch it.
Mm hmm. And they get back to uncircumcised.
And I feel like I'm adding to the movement.
But then you got to like stitch it in.
You know? Yeah. Yeah.
I like do you want to moil is what is that?
It's a that sounds like some tumeric.
No, no, no, it's it's a well, it's like a
Hasidic Jewish people have someone called the moil.
And what they do is they after the circumcision,
they suck the blood off the babies.
The day you look it up.
No, what was that?
I don't want that.
My Google search.
I don't like called someone out there.
I have some bad stuff on my Google search.
Oh, my God. Show it.
It's I googled.
Is Santa Claus real?
And they lied.
When Israel is Israel, yes, and he is in Israel.
They said no.
And then I was like, what is what is with this?
So what is with this?
What is with this AI transhumanist bullshit?
They're trying to turn us all into robots. Right.
I'm against us being robots except for spider legs.
Yeah, that's what we're saying, though, is that you're accelerating,
turning us into a cyborgs.
No, it's all related to the.
Yeah, it's the same thing.
No, but I'm a step farther.
Even is a major step.
I'm getting my legs cut off and putting spider legs on electively.
You're becoming an animal cyborg.
Yeah. And then I'll need I'll need obviously a brain,
a brain link to move the spider legs.
Animorphs fucked up spy kids.
I love I watch my kids.
You know, you know, Mr.
Fleur actually do that.
I do. He's that bad man.
He's pretty bad.
You know, those thumb guys.
Yeah. What else?
You know, those spider be.
I want to get I would love to have some thumb guys for security.
You know, and then but he would turn like people
into like these weird claymation people.
I was like, what the heck?
Yeah. Remember?
There's a lot of weird.
No, I'm just saying I did.
I like my childhood.
I literally was just like playing.
I thought you said you watched it recently.
No, I mean, no.
Everyone tells me that I have to watch spy kids.
And I feel like I've just been fucking.
Yeah, I just been like not watching spy kids.
I just don't want spy kids and I feel really stupid.
Who do you like more?
Do you like Carmen or Junie more?
I don't know. Carmen. Fine.
That's fine. Yeah.
I was just like playing like I was just playing go fish
like by myself, like as a kid, like growing up,
because like no one wanted to play kickball with me.
You can watch like this by yourself.
No, I just like like I feel like if like spy kids was like,
you know, hey, no, I feel like it's like an in cell movie.
It's Alex.
But then you are an I understand the loneliness.
But we want to be your friend. OK.
We would play go fish with you or kickball.
We want to be we want to be your best friend.
No, like if you get spider, no, only if you get spider legs.
So you got to sign a contract.
And it's going to say it's going to say bad deal at the top.
It's going to say you got to get it.
All it's going to say is you got to get spider legs of Mac.
I would sign it again.
Yeah, we did get Dylan a contract as a bad deal at the top.
And I was like, you don't got to read the contract.
I gave up like all my money and intellectual property.
I just kind of didn't read it.
Yeah, it was a good read and weep.
Well, I'm doing I'm I'm I'm signing cash and checks and signing checks.
Checks when new people say read it and weep, is that when you get a high
test score and show it to somebody or something like a Dear John letter?
Maybe or maybe I get a paycheck.
See, I watched a lot of Dear John growing up.
Mm hmm. The Nicholas Sparks movie.
Bubba Sparks, like it's a book, but I only watched the movie
because I couldn't read growing up.
Why? And it means I left your ass.
You still can't. Yeah.
And then you went to war.
Like I can read my ass.
You should be a Dear John to.
Men used to go to war.
And now they just go to war with.
I just made. Yeah.
Well, the problem is, life gets too comfortable.
Everyone just you know, if you there's no enemy or anything,
if there's no big issues that we all have to come together on,
then everything gets divided.
Yeah. Polarization is real, folks.
Yeah. Polar bears are too. Yeah.
Santa Claus. Santa Claus is real.
Learn that he is real. Israel.
Israel is real. Real. Yeah.
We said we don't really know the territory that real eyes realize realize.
We don't really know what the territory they should have is,
but it's real as a as a country.
I say North Pole. Give up the Palestine.
Yeah, we should give Israel the North Pole.
You can have the North Pole.
Let's give Israel the North Pole.
It was it's pretty hot there.
Use the no and they can give them a literal dome
so they can have any climate.
They can take part.
South Pole. What they can take.
I don't want to know.
I want to I didn't finish my little story.
Whatever. Where all the food?
They've been like moving to Texas, Loki.
Really? Yeah, I love it. Yeah.
I want to I want to hear about the virtual buffet.
Anyway, someone stole my fucking food, but it doesn't matter.
Subway, the subway near me.
What is it like, though?
What does that mean? A virtual buffet?
I don't know. I ordered.
I ordered it at like one a.m.
I showed up. My food was gone.
It was just a bunch of lockers.
And they cracked the year they hacked your code.
They took my fucking food in my locker.
I bet the AI even open.
I bet the AI it's become more powerful.
Yeah, but I'm but I'm I was just like, dude,
not only did I like show up at a place that wasn't a fucking restaurant,
it's like a pickup center for food.
And everyone's like in their PJs, just like, yeah,
just waiting for their food to show up in a magic magic locker.
I'm only allowed to park there for 15 minutes.
Like what? Yeah, I know we're talking about.
It was gone. It's these places that these businesses,
they just have kitchens in there.
Yeah. And then they just yeah, just put it in.
Yeah, it's fucking nuts. Yeah.
It's people on the other side.
I knocked a little metal sheet.
All I heard was like a little all this stuff.
That's all I heard. Yeah.
What is back there?
All this stuff is just removing human interaction of any kind.
It is really convenient.
And that's bad because it's convenient.
But people need to like it's part of human.
It is part of that part of human nature is that people need to be around other people.
Yeah, but that's like for us to go in there and then they have to deal with a thousand of us.
It's easy. Oh, no, I would love to do that.
No, you might not know to grab like food from a locker.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I think it for society, it's bad.
Maybe I see what you're saying.
It also it also it also cuts jobs.
I just think it's when someone has to get paid like ten dollars an hour to
like, I don't know, that's why it's the little Caesar's lady
down the street and they have lockers.
But she's all she's very like they apply for the job.
They are you know, stuff was nice.
But then I just think if I couldn't do that position,
because people think I mean just from I'm not even being mean.
I'm just, in my opinion, neutral.
Well, you will you look like like a Nazi skinhead.
Yeah. We a neo Nazi.
Yeah. I thought it was maybe more my voice, but I guess.
No, I mean, I mean, I bet I meant neo
Nazis and like neo from the matrix. Yeah.
Yeah. You also look like a head.
I'm the black guy.
All right. We all told you we all have skin on our head.
OK, can we just say that?
Yeah, everyone's a skit below. OK.
We're all skinheads to some extent.
Yeah. Yeah.
So yes, if you have hair to cover it up, he's he's he's all he's
he's all out there. Yeah.
Some people are tall.
Some people are short.
You should incorporate that.
Like that is a good song.
Some people think I'm a skinhead, but folks, we're all skinheads.
Some people cover up the skin.
I don't want to show my. Yeah.
I could take mine off.
Yeah. I'm my head's naked.
Yeah. No, we'll be naked.
There's no style in being bald under my hair.
There's a second penis.
Anyway, so the subway near me, that's 24 hours, has bulletproof glass everywhere.
I would do I would go to a different subway.
Like the pope.
Why? Who's trying to shoot up a subway right now?
Just lawlessness everywhere.
I mean, there's probably a reason for I got robbed at one point.
Someone's just behind it like you can't rob me.
I know what every like tasty subs in on like was it tasty subs on Howard?
They call it
the border between Edmondson and Chicago on Howard and this stretch.
They call the jungle because it's just like in shootouts everywhere.
All the time. It's just like a hot spot.
Well, I feel like everyone should just have a gun.
If black black people call the jungle, that's not a white person like pejorative.
I just use the word pejorative that we need to get rid of.
So I'm sorry that I said.
Oh, my gosh.
Chill the fuck out.
About what? Chill out.
About getting rid of words.
Yeah. You're just explaining that that's not how it thinks of the word.
Yeah.
I feel like everyone should have guns.
Definitely. No, I'm saying teachers, students like like Mike Robinson,
Dan Kelly Robinson.
He lived here like he was around.
He was in a gang like 20 years ago
and they would call that area the jungle.
And he was a fan for you.
I call my place the Arctic.
Yeah. Yeah.
I like Kelly Robinson, but Mike Robinson's a little bitch.
Oh, Mike Robinson.
Shout out to Mike Robinson.
And to shout out to Mike Robinson.
Well, I like him.
But it's just Mac was supported him, but he's a fair weather supporter.
Well, he stole my bike, too.
Why did he steal your bike?
Why? Because he's because he because he is a drunk.
Oh, no.
You didn't steal your bike.
He did. Just this is a bit.
It's not a bit.
What? This is a bit.
You refuse to return my bike.
OK, it's not a bit.
Just a cliche.
Wait, who stole your bike?
Mike Robinson.
Mike Robinson, given back his bike.
Thank you.
And I'm going to give back.
I'm proud to say it on here.
Just give me my fucking bike.
How you live here for a year, dude.
For free.
You know, your fucking bike.
What the heck?
Every I feel like like you become a true Chicagoan when you steal someone's bike.
I stole a bike. I stole bikes in college.
Yeah. So what we would do is we would steal bikes
to go back from the bars because our frat house is kind of a little bit far away.
And then there's this bridge.
We would drive to this bridge, throw the bike in the river and then slow red flags.
It's a total white privilege move.
Colonizer move.
There was the river was just full of bikes.
It's just such a piece of shit thing to do.
And that's really like there's only loose bikes, you know, lock your bike.
It's like who cares? We're rebels.
It's like it's like Darwin.
I love bikes.
It's like Darwinism.
So it's like if you're if you're too dumb to just like use a bike for free
so you can get around
instead of just leaving on the bridge.
Like we don't have enough parking.
Well, I got to get rid of the proof and make sure they don't find the fingerprints.
The CSI is all over those bike stealings.
What thrill did you get out of that?
Like I didn't.
Got me home faster than I would just, you know, I've worked up this bike.
I can't keep stolen property.
I was throwing the river. Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's actually kind of smart.
Yeah, right.
That's crazy that you lived right next to a river, too.
That's yeah. Wow.
I were Iowa River.
Oh, I oh, yeah. Fuck it.
Right in there.
The most basic ass river. Yeah.
Where do you go to Chicago?
You're so basic you stuck around.
Yeah, no, I'm too scared to go anywhere else.
I mean, still.
Oh, it's because I'm coin shortage.
Oh, yeah. You're sure I'm coin and broke.
I have some.
How am I going to get home with my money?
You do. Yeah.
Michael, you are.
Are they they're worth like a million dollars, though, right?
Well, once I'd love to steal them.
If if if if DJ makes it to the inauguration, then
they'll be worth that much.
I mean, he's going to be our next president.
So they're definitely going to be million worth million quadrillion coins.
I think so.
And then I have the thousand dollar bill and that was going to shoot up
because the you know, the way is that real? Yeah.
Gold played.
I don't know about that.
I feel like this is kind of feels like Beanie Babies.
No, he had it minted.
It feels like it could be worth more than money.
No, yeah. He had the thousand dollar bill minted while he was in office.
It was one of the last things he did before he left office because he was like.
If I have a billion.
He's saying and he's saying if I have a billion dollars,
yeah, I can't fit that in a room, you know, in cash.
Yeah. So I did make it thousand dollar bills.
So you fit a billion dollars in a room easily easier.
The keys. Can you say that in Donald Trump's voice?
Say what? I couldn't fit a billion dollars.
Steal bikes. It's fun.
Still, no one can ever trust.
Oh, we also steal wheelchairs on people's porches.
Oh, my God. What the fuck?
No, but listen, no, no, you listen to me.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Iowa City is like a full college, is fully a college town.
And these were normally like like, you know,
they're just fucking wheelchairs, like sitting there for some reason.
There was a people like me that just had a wheelchair
that they would fuck around with.
And we would just take it off their porch.
Oh, OK. You made it sound really weird.
It was like, you better be positive.
Yeah, you bet.
We did steal one wheelchair from a hospital.
Oh, that's OK.
It had a track. It had a tracker.
Oh, well, you got fucked.
No, we do. No, we just got rid of the tracker.
We're smart.
So someone went to I'm really glad for a poor patient.
I'm really good at balancing on a I could do a bunch of tricks on a wheelchair.
I'm like one. I'm like one of the best.
Can you know I haven't stolen a bunch of wheelchairs?
OK, well, maybe you should.
And then I got from a junkyard.
Yeah. Oh, really?
Yeah. So I honestly can do tricks to
but it's evil.
Yeah, the one that the one off the can't compete even with those people anyway.
I bet I'm better than you people.
Now I bet I'm better than you.
Really? All I did for a year is just spin around balancing
sparrows spinning around as fast as shit.
Yeah, it's like, no, we should.
I could be suspended in an error for indefinitely.
Are there any wheelchair comedians left?
There was competition in Chicago.
Yeah, there was there was Crypt Daddy and he died.
Rest in peace.
Oh, my gosh. Yeah, dude.
I took photos of him like me and him were both at his last.
Yeah, I was at his last site.
Oh, I was there, too. Yeah. Really?
Yeah. Yeah.
Max might have might have caused it.
It's bullshit.
No, but I didn't give him smell.
I did invite him on the podcast and he accepted and then
you should.
OK, no, but he did give him smelling salts and I didn't give him smelling salt.
That's bullshit. Never had smelling salts.
I didn't give him smelling salts.
I would. So Dylan is trying to he's upset about because Dylan thought
I tried to prevent it. I said, let me.
OK, so I had these really heavy smelling salts when you would sniff them.
Like it would make you like cry pretty much. Yeah.
And then I was watching Dylan crying, laughing
and I was laughing at his jokes like like, you know, because I'm his friend.
And then like I also take pictures of me looking angry.
There's like a couple of me like chilling, like looking at.
Oh, really? But you know, it's probably like sitting on my.
It looks like it looks like I was crying, laughing, but I wasn't at all.
I was just normal.
No, you said I was help. I was help laughing.
Yeah, because I had heard the jokes before.
Or sure, just long, long story, long story short.
Long story shortage.
Yeah, we never know the chain reaction, the caterpillar effect
that caused the train reaction.
Any of us three could have caused the butterfly effect.
Just the wrong, you know, just he's like, oh, she's taking a picture of me.
Throws off his set, throws off everything after that.
I have a smelling salts.
I have a conspiracy.
He just like you dare to eat that piece of pizza.
Oh, he went in the elevator.
Yeah, he went in the elevator with Tina.
Tina choked him to death.
It's what did he choke on?
Like that's why.
Well, yeah, he ate.
So they stopped giving us pizza.
He ate some pizza and then and then he ate some.
I'm so not quick, but you can't eat the pizza.
What happened was he ate some pizza and then Tina,
Tina picked him up by the neck like the Undertaker
and picked him up like this and slammed on the ground.
Put him back in his chair and said it was the pizza.
Yeah, it wasn't vegan. Yeah.
I mean, this isn't a fact. This is just me.
Yeah, I mean, it's very likely I have a couple little birds
that have kind of given me a little bit of insight.
I mean, he was going to be the next big thing to him.
He was very funny. He was so fucking funny.
He was like in a usually he had a lot of that.
He did. He also did the open.
Yeah, you see some of the people that on Kill Tony,
they just love them.
Like they would have loved him.
But they killed a cryptid.
He would have out competed all the other.
I don't know what you want to call it.
I think I think I think I think Tina killed him
because she wanted to be the next big thing.
She's like, you're never going to show me.
She's out here.
She's on my show.
She said, I'm big.
I'm the next big thing.
Not you. I'll crush.
Tina, if you're listening, this is a total fabric fabricated joke.
I remember like unknown and then rest in peace to crypt.
Daddy, I was there that night.
Very sad. Like someone told me really sad.
It's really tough when you're hanging out a bunch of comics.
The best pictures came out of his set, though.
He was pretty still the great thing.
I didn't believe anybody at first because you're hanging out a bunch of comics.
He was the easiest to photograph. Yeah.
No, that's what I'm trying to say.
I just had to sit in like one place.
I was like, thank God. I don't have to fucking know.
Yeah, there.
Well, also, if you have spider legs, you're easy to take pictures of.
He could have been still everyone was still looking at me with my normal legs.
Like they're like looking at me like I was a nuisance.
I stopped taking photos, taking pictures.
Yeah, I was just too compact.
You know, you're like Gavin nuisance.
Yeah, I'm no, I am fucking nuisance.
No, I could feel it.
I can feel the air sometimes when I walk in.
I'm like, oh, gee. Oh, me. Oh, my.
Is that why you do so good at the annoyance?
Yeah, because they fucking love me there because I'm so fucking annoying.
They're like, wow, welcome to the club.
I can't wait to be a friend.
I think you let in, you know, they said that I'm too.
They're not annoying enough.
I would love for you to do an open mic set there.
I want to see, like, everyone's reactions.
I could do. I could.
I feel like it's it's not going to be so not all of my.
So I have like I have like barely any race stuff in my material.
OK, great. And I could definitely do a set there that would.
It's probably not true.
I've done a lot.
I've done a lot of Coles, and that's pretty left room.
Oh, well, no, Coles.
It is. No, I mean, yes, it is.
But like they're like drunk, so then they laugh at it
because they think it's ironic.
Well, it is little that they know.
Oh, yeah, but they're not as bad as annoyance or my buddy.
Coles is the hardest mic to do because I run on antidepressants
and have separate ones.
And Alex, are you are you are you becoming one of those people
who doesn't understand irony anymore?
What's that? No, she's talking about irony.
Are you iron deficient? I have iron gummies.
Mm hmm. You take.
Oh, yeah, you overdose on.
I I I too.
I eat too much iron.
Yeah, that's why I'm so ironic and some people don't like it.
You showed up in your blood.
Ebony and irony fit together in perfect comedy.
I've been watching.
No, I understand.
I understand our irony, irony, spiral, spiral, irony, irony,
I me. So I your knee.
Yeah, there's dramatic.
There's the magic, somatic, somantics.
Wait, really? That's one of them.
That's OK. Somatic, sarcastic, anti-semantic, chantix.
Chantix. Yeah.
I used to smoke and I started taking chantix.
I'm really older.
So Mac has a handful of impressions.
That was your lesbian.
It's a new kind of Jodie Foster voice.
What impression?
Do you want Dr. Lector?
I just think there's some there's some like he's getting possessed.
And I am I am possessed by my new lesbian voice.
I got a new job with the Jew.
I love the zebra and I bought a new I got a new lease.
I got a lease on a Subaru Outback for my dogs.
Oh, my God. Yeah, I was about to say, where are the dogs?
Mm hmm. I got the big dogs and I don't want kids.
I want dogs.
Mm hmm. I'll be dressing up for their cute costumes for my wife and I.
All the police gay dudes being a couple of kids.
All these gay guys getting kids.
I just want dogs.
That's all I can do anyway.
They tell me to tell me I got to put down my raw ruler tomorrow,
but I'm not going to do it.
It was just a three year old kid who walked by.
It's just doesn't matter.
I wonder what it was.
It was in my fucking lawn.
I wonder if there's a study.
They hate me because I'm gay.
I wonder if there's a study out there like what's better?
Like like gay male parents or or lesbian parents
or just like what would the probably lesbians are not funny.
Sorry. No, they are.
But like not if they're if they don't have a special.
Yeah, they don't understand.
Well, also if they're both like if they both like have like buzz cuts
and cargo shorts on, I would say that that's the most abusive relationships
because a lot of times you get the list.
You get you need to have the the lipstick lesbian and then the the butcher.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, you need the like the modern family.
The funny thing is, there is still kind of masculine and feminine
even within those same sex like relationships.
A lot of times they're still like the gender roles like you have to get gay
or more. No way.
And yeah.
Whoa, that's crazy that you've whoa.
I've never realized that.
Whoa, that's insane.
I thought like, wait, I thought, wait, no, I thought liberals hate gender.
Are you fucking serious?
Mack was just saying and then I thought liberals hate gender roles.
No, I feel like
you need that's why it's polarity attracts.
And even if you're attracted to another man or another woman, you still
you want the other thing.
I mean, if anything, I'm liberal.
I'm very I'm open minded.
The problem is the the people that go by the name liberal
are very not open minded to anything except for their own ideology.
So then they don't even know that they're in a straight relationship.
Yeah, they think that they're in a gay relationship, but really,
it's an impression.
It's an homage.
It's a little Easter egg.
A lot of shout out a lot of projection on the other side on the on the left.
Yeah, it's like they're like, you're a fascist.
It's like, but we want to take away free speech and guns and have an oligarchy.
Yeah, which is like all the rules of being a fascist.
Yeah, and I feel like rules, dude.
I don't know. To me, I'm kind of an anarchist.
Do you say? Yeah.
To hell with that. To hell with the rules.
With all this formality is in order.
Yeah, dude, I chaos.
Listen, I don't follow. I don't follow the rules.
I'll tell you that much.
I I we set the rules.
Yeah, someone says someone hands me a set of rules.
I rip up that piece of paper and I say, try to give you.
Yeah. So tell me what not to do.
Yeah, I say I just I just broke the rules.
What are you going to do about it?
I have spider legs.
Mm hmm. You kick your feet up sometimes on the desk.
I saw that last week. You had your feet up on the desk.
I walk in. He's counting his money.
Mac, what are you doing?
He said, I'm making a lot of money.
It's blood money.
And I'm not telling you how I made it.
I said it for your own safety.
I said, for your own safety, I'm not telling you how I made it
for plausible deniability because I'm your friend.
And it's tough.
And sometimes people think rules are tough.
Love right now.
And sometimes people learn lessons in friendships.
And like honesty is important.
But if it's going to implicate them in crimes, then protect them.
You don't tell me exactly.
You don't tell them and you tell them it's for their own good.
Me and Mac don't talk business when either of us could be wearing a wire.
You never know. So we don't talk business.
I'm always wearing a wire.
Mm hmm. Like, I don't know if you guys ever seen the wire.
It'd be funny to always wear a wire.
Yeah, it'd be funny if you were like a CIA plant.
That'd be funny.
Edgar's CIA actually gave me my plant, Edgar.
I was I noticed that Carlos Mencia's last name, it says CIA men,
but it also says men.
So do you think he's a gay CIA agent? Mencia.
There's this thing. What do you think?
Coin shortage men.
So Carlos Mencia, more like Carlos Mencia.
I mean, he doesn't even last name.
Man, CIA.
So do you think, OK, he's a gay CIA agent? Um.
He's appropriate.
His real name is like a German name.
Is it like Ted or Ned or something? Ted Cruz?
No, he really is the guy who had that sitcom, right?
Might have been the family.
It was very funny. But with the lowrider theme song.
Yeah, I believe George Lopez.
Oh, wait, who's that?
I thought you were being out there.
Who is that?
No, wait, it is George Lopez.
Oh, George Lopez. Yeah.
Might have been might have been.
See, it was always that might have been.
See, it was always on before.
I can't tell.
It was might have been see it than the Chappelle show, I believe. OK.
George Lopez is a joke.
I love both of them. But wait, he's like he's like Nick Fuentes, his friend.
Right. Carlos Mencia fell out of grace because he he got caught stealing jokes.
I think they're oh, I like him.
Who is Nick? Wait, Nick Fuentes or Anthony Fuentes?
Anthony. Oh, Anthony Fuentes.
Nick Fuentes is the white supremacist.
No, I'm joking. He didn't die.
No, he's been he's been doing a lot of stuff with my ex boss from Laugh Factory.
Oh, shout out Mike Crowley. Hello.
Oh, you know, he attacked Brian Johnson.
He was saying like Anthony Fuentes or Mike Crowley.
Well, he didn't attack him.
Brian Johnson was airing out some shit.
No, Brian Johnson was saying, hey, this Wiley J guy is like he told me,
I'll pay you back.
I gave him money to come stay at my house.
And then he blocked me after instead of paying me back.
Well, I could post.
And then I could post a 20 page letter about like he was like, don't nice.
Don't be airing shit out like this.
I'm like, no, Brian just got scammed, like maybe forty dollars is more to him.
Because he's always asking for a dollar to do his laundry. Yeah.
So send $40 is a lot. Yeah.
And it's a lot.
And he said even in the post that this is something that happened.
He's heard other people have similar situations.
And then Anthony's trying to defend the scammer.
And I'm just like, well, I was this is the opposite.
I think I'm going to have that guy be my roommate.
Well, it's a block.
So they owe money.
You know, that's who Katie Zane recommended for her to be my roommate.
It was this. Yeah.
Then he friend requested me after I was like defending Brian, like, no,
you you need to not protect the scammers, like
protect like the guy saying something about if anyone. Yeah.
I stay on that. He friend requested the FB for the most part.
Yeah. No, that's a cool way to say Facebook.
Yeah. Fake book. More like. Yeah.
Everything's AI generated now.
Well, there goes Internet dead and gay, gay, gay guy.
A gay guy. Happy people.
And well, that's that's what it is pretty much.
And then you got some videos.
You got to get a Hitler.
Yeah. Chad, Chad, LGBT.
Yeah. Imagine if your name was gay Hitler.
Gay Hitler. And this was a great drag.
This was before like what?
No, you shouldn't do that. Wait, no.
How long does it have to be until we can be a white guy
and have the Hitler mustache again?
Because honestly, I think we're a thousand years.
Michael Jordan has has the Hitler mustache.
I really know. I'm this is not OK.
Not a joke. My my. Are you doing a high?
Oh, is that a partner?
Why does everyone think that? No.
Wait, why does I mean, this is it?
Yeah. But I mean, this is like if you're a white person,
you raise your hand and just automatically this is a Roman emperor.
One of the reasons earlier, I mean, people build people
lose in church, you know.
No. Well, that yeah, but it's I recorded a wedding
and then everyone ended up doing that.
No, I like to. Yeah, it's more when you do this.
You hit your chest and then do it.
You never write the entire point A to point B.
Yeah. Then you march. OK.
Gay Hitler be like, yeah.
He's like this. He's like this.
He's hey, hey, okay.
Slay Hitler, bro. Slay King.
Like I wish he wasn't a horrible person.
I mean, I guess that would not make him funny then.
Oh, God. Yeah.
No, a lot of people.
Well, dilemma. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like.
You do it, Hila.
I don't know. Come on.
I don't like fashion. They didn't like his art.
I think that that's how I stay.
There's a lot of cool art that came out of it.
Yeah. Well, very basic art.
Yeah. Like propaganda posters. It's meaningful.
Cubism. Yeah.
I mean, it was all like realist art, you know,
not just because he hated abstract art, kind of like me.
But there was some really good just like
realistic art that was made.
But now we can just use the. Yeah.
Yeah. But what if I think it'd be kind of cool
if Trump was an emperor?
He can he paint? No.
Maybe we can get the hunter Biden.
He'll get Hunter Biden paint for him.
A hundred. He'll get George Bush.
Circles, though, when he's on crack.
Yeah. So he'll get Hunter.
He'll be the emperor.
He'll dissolve the Senate.
The W can paint.
And then I can tell.
He's the only one.
I honestly never seen Hunter Biden's paintings.
It's crazy.
Oh, apparently he.
I don't know if you should.
Apparently. Are they bad?
Apparently, they're great.
You want to keep like your image of him in your head.
This is a true story.
This is I love him.
You don't want to see his paintings.
I think Mark. I think Mark Andreessen said this.
Dylan, very funny.
Hunter Biden.
So this billionaire let her
or Hunter Biden was renting out a luxury like penthouse
and they couldn't pay the rent.
So he gave him art and the art was like a book, like art
with his feces.
It was like this is.
It's not terrible.
Yes. He tried to use it as rent.
But he gave someone shit paintings.
Yeah, literally. Yes.
And he's like this is because I'm a Biden.
This is he gave someone paintings made of his.
They're like, no, this is not OK.
This is not rent. And then he ended up getting pardoned.
Well, it's because he has this royal blood where you think
this is just worth more than real paint.
You got to be real narcissistic, like a book of painting
of your shit with painting with your literal shit
and thinking that that's good.
Trying to pay rent with it.
It is just a disconnect.
It's kind of cool, though.
This is cool.
Yeah. There's no I don't know anyone that's trying.
Hunter Hardin, he's changed his name to Hunter Pardon.
Yeah. Yeah. I didn't bite at me.
Oh, my God. You had that beautiful joke where it's like
gather, but yeah, that's what you spit it.
Yeah. Well, just that word for word, please.
I love drugs, folks.
And then they're like, yeah, not that much of the crowd.
Yeah. Wait, hold on.
We need to wait. No, we'll start.
We'll start. All right. No.
The energy is like, I just think it's like that line doesn't get
that much. But it's sort of OK.
Here. No, no. It gets like a yeah.
About me. I love drugs.
Yeah.
I'm kind of like Hunter Biden with less resources.
I'm kind of like, yeah, they were guided.
And then the laughter builds as people.
Wait, no, I'm sorry.
And then he gets it. He gets a ten dollar check.
Yeah. Yeah. I got it there.
A rich man.
No, but then Hunter Hirsch has a joke to Hunter.
His brother's name is Hunter.
And he's like, Hunter has a brother named Hunter or no.
What am I saying?
I know he's saying his other brother's names.
He's like shooter or something.
Someone should have a real name like Gatherer.
And so me and him are just.
Oh, your joke is like so much better, though.
It like is he is he is he your Dando CMO?
Oh, shit. Why?
Oh, no. I won't say.
These people are kind of like the all universe like
versions of you.
That would be that would be funny if because we'll see.
Dan doesn't Dan doesn't like really steal my jokes that much.
Really?
Just like how Hunter doesn't like really steal your jokes.
Yeah. But you could say that he's he's your joke.
He steals jokes from you.
You have a real person that steals jokes from you.
But you need to start going after Hunter.
I think that it's OK.
I mean, you're like, by the way, that was my joke.
Hunter Hirsch stole my joke.
No, when I heard it, I was like, I just tried to.
I won't say that one when they're going to say theirs.
Have you heard the end of Seymour's gun joke?
No, it's a I I was walking in the grocery store
and I saw a guy that had a shirt that said
that somebody about guns.
I love guns. Change or change my mind.
So I shot him and I was like, this is pretty cool.
I kind of like guns. Guess what?
I was the guy he shot.
I wonder if we mean to change his mind.
Like you shot him.
I was the guy he shot and then he paid me off, made me send an NDA.
And there's a whole nother dimension.
And now you're friends with the guy who shot now to the NDA.
Expired tsunami able to let it all out.
Dan, the Seymour shot me on top of stealing all my jokes.
And he did it for which guy?
But he he was the one who probably a little tiny pistol.
All right. No, no, no.
A little baby little.
I think it was my revolver that got stolen from me when I lived in Logan Square.
And he had your bike.
If he has my bike right now.
Yeah. If he has my ride.
Oh, my God, I'm going to use my bad boy comedies.
Switchblade and and give him a joker face.
It would be funny if you like had a mental break and just ended up
like stabbing him over.
She got with that.
You believed your own joke.
No, I'm not. I'm not.
I'm not delusional.
I mean, that like like later down the line, maybe, but not right now.
No, years from now.
Years from now, I'll that was no.
I went crazy and believed his own jokes.
No, I'm the most self aware on self aware person of all time.
You'd have like paintings of like like Ham Talent as a pig.
I know what I'm doing. I play in my life.
I play 10 D chess.
OK, I don't need normal chess.
Right. You're like Elon Musk in that way.
You want to like chess is way too simple.
You want to play because I'm like a Cinco fan.
You play 10 D chess.
No, I'm Elon Tusk because I'm like a Cinco fan, like an elephant in in sync.
Bye bye bye with his trunk.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Oh, my fucking see. You are too smart.
My brain hurt. Yeah.
It's like way too funny.
It was level 10, buddy.
I thought that was your period.
Yeah. Well, no, that's yeah.
That's everything else.
That's an iron deficiency.
A period where you want cramps, a cranberry juice in your period.
That's from the departed.
What? That's from the departed.
He orders Leo farted the departed.
It would be cool if you played.
Leo orders a cranberry juice and a guy says, what are you on your period?
Oh, that's funny.
And then Leo breaks the glass on the guy's head.
Now, Leonardo DiCaprio is so, so funny.
Yeah, he also is on Epstein's Island, I'm pretty sure.
OK. And did he list?
He doubled it. He doubled down.
But no, he was definitely here.
I want to end soon, but before we end.
All right. So we need more.
We need more D.I. for like this, like child trafficking and whatever.
C.I. Blackmail.
We have to have that scene.
Epstein Jewish. Yeah. Did he black? Yeah.
Ellen Lesbian.
She was helping Diddy. Yeah.
And then we need.
No, we're going to need.
He probably was. We're going to need an Asian Epstein.
We're going to need Hispanic Epstein.
Doesn't matter what kind.
Just one that looks like maybe a Somali guy.
I mean, there probably are like different races of Epstein's.
We're just we're not like aware of them.
Well, in China, there's definitely an Asian Epstein. OK.
No doubt. I mean, they have a billion people.
Yeah. OK. Yeah. Let me just call up Saku right now.
That's he's Japanese.
What you said is just super.
And those countries hate each other.
No, it's the same thing.
Saku heard that he would kill you.
Yeah, they're right next door.
It's like Polish Ukraine, you know, it's kind of sort of same.
Yeah, kind of sort of just like North with a with a pass of just like
the deepest hatred of all time.
If it's fuel, it helps.
No, no, we do need an evil joker.
Yeah. Rice. So Siri Rice.
Yeah. So. Yeah.
If you're doing something, never do it for rice.
Or actually always do.
And here we rice.
Just every like.
You want to. It's like you don't have to end every sentence with rice.
You want to see a magic rice?
So that's not funny.
That doesn't make sense.
At least like add different food items.
And now the funny part is always finding your way home.
That's why it's funny. It's always right.
It's a comfortable.
It's a harmony with you know how I got this right.
That's why I love this kind of comedy.
There's a good Mexican joker, too.
It's like, you want to know how I got across these border?
You know, I was not food related.
OK, I got you. You want to.
They're always finding your way home.
The point or to a new new country.
But I just think the Asian Batman.
They are his rise.
It's so stupid, but it's a new path.
Or if it's an old path, let me hear it again.
It's like people go see Jerry Seinfeld.
What are some other things?
I want to do Asian jokers.
What I would yell out at the Mac concert.
Let's hear. We know it's coming at the Mac.
Yeah.
Every day, the same as folks and everyone just like talk about rice.
Yeah, I can't wait.
I'm going to sell out like a price.
So at the United Center with the bad boy show
and I'm saying that it's going to be the
it's going to be the Dando Seymour album release
or Dan Joke Steel Mo is the name of the album.
Probably that's like one.
And then there's an intermission.
You should. Well, no, yeah, you should just do it like a bar.
You should do it at fucking.
What do you think? I'm not good enough to go to the United Center.
No, you could do it.
You could do it at the United Center.
It's just really fucking expensive.
And you can you just believe in me, please.
I believe in you.
You think it can floor rides better than. Yeah.
Why did he sell out of United Center?
I got to perform there with Fluffy.
I will say I will say super flex.
The video is so cool.
They're just the bigger bone. Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. They're both.
They're both what?
With fat, Mexican, no, Spanish, whatever.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, I don't know if they're are they both Mexican or is one in Puerto
Rico and they're both Mexican.
It's so I mean, let us know in the comments.
Yeah, let us know.
Fluffy is my.
Are they the same?
And let us know if Ken Flora is Mexican or Puerto Rican in the comments, please.
Oh, I have a good Anthony Fuentes impression.
It's a you know how I got this race.
No, that's good.
I like that one.
So that's very funny, actually.
Yeah. Thank you.
So she she's finally coming around to like Dale did.
So wait, wait, I hate it.
I might do it.
Why do you keep coming back here?
Yeah, but no, no, Dale.
They laughed at that one, the Asian joker.
But this man, the point, that was impression.
Oh, my name is Anthony point.
There is I had I they call me the big fish.
What do you even say?
My name is Anthony point.
They call me the big fish.
OK, OK. That's a good.
His action is not that thick.
I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure.
Well, I.
Think I think it is.
He is he is he is pretty thick.
He's called the big fish.
Yeah. Do you think?
Do you think? Is that a is that like a name he gave himself?
Uh, like Big Tuna in the.
I like big fish. That's a good nickname.
Yeah, it's a good movie.
Have you ever seen Adam Gilbert's Little Fish?
You may know, right?
Yes. They call him Little Minnow.
I want to plant Adam Gilbert's everywhere.
I love that.
I love Adam Gilbert so much. That sounds like a plant.
Well, no, he's a plant.
Like a seed grows into a real.
Yeah. Some girl at Logan's
Scrooge running to go to the fucking store
to get an Adam Gilbert plant.
No, no, no.
Yeah. Blossoms more Adam Gilbert.
So that's what this world needs.
Like for real, like happiness and peace.
We need to plant more Adam Gilbert's around.
So produces more Adam Gilbert's.
That's what we want to have in the Bad Comedy Sims.
Because he's an animal.
We all love Adam Gilbert.
And Adam Gilbert Garden.
He'll sprout into full grown.
Yeah, Gilbert Grapes.
Adam Gilbert Grapes.
Part of the garden.
Yeah, Adam Gilbert Grapes.
No more Grapes.
Yeah, no.
You're not allowed to plant Gilbert Grapes.
And then we can make a magazine that's after Gilbert.
We can do Adam and Gilbert.
And it'll be just like same thing as Gilbert in the newspaper.
But it's a little guy.
Yes, you can buy a newspaper.
Read the deal.
Gilbert.
We're like, here, here, here, here.
Get the new Adam Dilbert.
The office is a DI.
Whatever, whatever it is.
That's the job that we need to bring back is a newsie.
No.
Here, here.
Get your news here.
Yeah, they just give you a fucking TikTok reel of like
belief.
It's old news.
Like a little Adam Gilbert.
He's like, hey, have you seen this one?
Oh, yeah.
We can have your shoes.
Oh, we can give all the Adam Gilbert.
I can shine your shoes too.
I would love to do it.
It would be amazing.
We would give all the Adam Gilbert's like little like caps,
little newsy caps.
Oh, yeah.
And they'd be running around to spreading joy.
We just make them dress like a little tan.
They should have like Lincoln Lodge.
It's like them wearing like they should get really short,
like funny men.
Adam Gilbert would actually.
And just like.
Adam Gilbert would actually love this.
And like actually like serve the beer so I don't have to fucking
wait in that long ass line and then talk to that bartender who
hates everyone.
Where?
At Lincoln Lodge?
Yeah, exactly.
They like me.
Like, Mack, you're hot.
They like they I walked in there and I ordered a drink when I was
under 21, by the way.
OK, they didn't card you and I vomit down their floor.
Yeah, really?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
I mean, like fuck Lincoln Lodge.
I mean, I was into a comedy too.
So.
I still I still give a fuck.
I still I still like their bar staff and I call Scantron, but
Mark Geary is the worst owner.
They don't hire any little guys.
And everyone that is on the Lincoln Lodge show is gay.
There is a Chicago gay in the gay in the bad way.
Not as in like.
Yeah.
No.
Wait, really?
I would like not as in homosexuals.
OK, gotcha.
Like the way you say it in high school.
Thank you.
Anyways.
Yeah.
My agent, the agent of chaos show, I told like that was totally an idea I had.
That's me.
Really?
What was it called?
It's called Agent of Chaos.
The John Stockwell show.
I wanted to do that at like the museum, like the Torture Museum of Chicago.
But they were like, no, you can't sell the tickets cheaper than like, oh, my God.
Wow.
Just right.
The story, right?
I want to hear.
Yeah.
Fucking no.
Now I feel boring as shit.
No, but like.
So John Cockbell.
Anyways, so we were going to have the tickets be 30 bucks and they're like, no, the tickets
for the museum is like 45.
So why would I?
Why would we have a comedy show?
And then also, we couldn't serve beer.
Also, we couldn't torture the comedians.
And then also, like they're like, yeah.
Also, they're like, we can't move the fucking we can't move the torture museum devices.
So now they just have it at Lincoln Lodge and it's like way worse, but it's fine.
Are you producing torture devices?
No, I would love.
I would love to do something like that.
I would love to like throw fucking tomatoes at like comedians and stuff.
And like I was going to have waivers for like people to sign.
Yeah.
And they'd be pretty like legal legally stand.
Yeah.
Like legally, like even if they get mad at me, I'm like, I'm sorry.
You're lost.
You're going to have anything.
Anything.
Anything goes.
So in the thing, you're going to have like a Gilbert Grape like, well, OK, no, no, no,
like what if someone gives Gilbert Graves on stage?
It's trying to drop.
That would not be that would not be a I guess that is torture.
Yeah.
That would be like authentic.
That wouldn't be funny.
I know.
But just in case it happens, you got to have you got to have the Gilbert Grave clause and
then we'll probably just have an alarm or something.
Yeah.
Great.
Gilbert Grape.
The safe word.
Yes.
And then we just go back back and then like whack him off the stage and then everyone
laughs and then everyone's like, he this is like a cartoon and not real life and everything's
fake.
It's attempted.
We love.
Yeah.
I'm not going to like write about this on Instagram and cancel this fucking comedian.
That was like this was yeah, this was interesting, like a social experiment.
Yeah.
Well, my idea was my idea was a show where there's two like podiums and then there was
a sandpit in the middle podiums.
They are enemies, not friends.
Yeah.
People who hate me and Zach or some people that hate each other the most and they say
the most mean stuff to the other person.
Each person gets five jokes and then I've never heard of this constant my life.
It's like a like it's like a roast battle or something.
No, no, no.
This is but it has a sandpit.
No, no, no.
This is this is not as enemies.
Real enemies.
People that hate each other.
OK, OK.
They do skate.
They say scathing things to each other.
They each get five jokes.
Yeah.
There's a panel of judges.
Amazing.
And then they bare knuckle box in the middle.
They fight until one of them dies.
Whoever lives wins.
The jokes don't matter.
It's like it's like, you know, whose line is anyway, the points don't matter.
Yeah.
And it's the jokes don't matter.
Yeah.
No, like that would be funny.
Like one person makes a joke.
The other person makes a joke.
And then they actually fucking beat their living shit out of each other.
And then they have a comedy set afterwards.
Only one of them does.
Yeah.
Well, the one who I know we could do.
We could we could do a fight.
They're naked.
No, we'll have we'll have.
Dude, I'd pay to go see Zaco naked.
Way.
Oh, yeah.
And if he gets murdered, you're sorry for saying that.
Zaco's a trigger.
You know, Zaco is just like an empty vessel.
Join the.
Yeah.
I'm I had a thing for sociopaths like my.
You want to be Eskimo sisters with Jessica?
For sure, for sure, for sure.
No, no, no.
Eskimo sisters.
Yeah.
With just Jessica.
But a lot of people are called Jessica Pissatana.
She likes people.
Piener.
Is that true?
No.
Oh, OK.
So it's not like this thing.
Well, it might be true.
OK.
Hey, Jessica, let us know if that's true.
She's not sure.
She already specifically voted against us in the gazelles.
Oh, bummer.
So she kind of burnt that bridge, I guess you could say.
Yeah, I mean, she got really mad about us having Max on and then was really mad at me.
For no reason, because Max is also a standup friend and that was a better friend with him
than her.
Then and then me and her became friends again.
We hugged at beer belly.
We were like, we're friends.
And then all of a sudden, I haven't even like talked to her, seen her and she hates me and bitch.
She kind of just like, yeah, maybe she's a whore.
Well, yeah, obviously.
She's a predator, honestly.
Do you know what I have a friend who's like friends with her and I'm like, how are you friends with her?
And then by the way, like the horror thing I was joking about.
Oh, I wasn't listening.
I meant a horse.
She'll see a horse.
Oh, I do love horses.
I look like I've been watching Yellowstone.
There's a lot of horses in it.
It's a good show.
Yeah, I bet.
That's her favorite show.
No, she's very much like a mean aunt.
Yeah, she is.
We called her mom on the podcast a long, long time ago, I think before you were on.
Sometimes she was cool and nice.
And then other times she was so fucking.
No, it sucks that we didn't get her.
We would prank call people and the prank call would be we call them and say, Hey, hey, this is a JFL.
This is Steven, Steven Jennings.
We make a fake name.
Yeah, JFL.
And we just want to let you know that we saw your set and we you're terrible at comedy.
We're not letting you go on JFL.
That's so mean.
Oh, my God.
That's so mean.
We called Jess's mom and said that to her.
She's not even a comedian.
What did she say?
Like, fuck off.
Yeah, pretty much.
She's like, fuck off.
Oh, wow.
That's genetic.
Wow.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, that's I don't know if no.
If JFL, like if you guys called me, I probably would be like, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Well, you know, JFL stands for its Jewish F slur losers.
I said that I said that on stage of power hour did pretty well.
OK, but power hour like you can literally I usually just like ramble like all my jokes.
Power hours become a minute more woke.
It used to be like people chant race war is funny.
It was like anything goes.
Well, yeah, you know, nobody would be like how to balance it out.
It would be like Rovan chanting race war.
Yeah, or else it would have been Red Lobster Part two.
Rovan is literally the most racist comedian in the country.
Well, Rovan can be racist.
No, he's racist.
He's like taking a lot of shrooms.
He is wildly racist.
His friends with like a lesbian.
So he basically like, yeah, you know, it's a pass.
He gets a pass on everything.
Yeah, no, D has done.
Boy, is that are they not friends anymore?
No, I'm saying you don't get points for being friends with the lesbian or anything like that or what?
No, you get points for being like there's no more points.
Yeah, it's just for being right.
I'm not saying it's right.
Wait, so points are bad.
You just don't get points extra points.
You just earn points differently.
Now you don't get it for being Mr. Nice guy anymore.
Yeah, no, no.
Well, it's the journey that matters.
Yeah, not the point.
You make along the way.
You're right.
Say it when there's a fork in the road, you take it.
Yeah.
And if there's a spoon, I'm taking it to yeah.
For some ice cream or a knife or I go.
I love goger.
I think you're going to get rid of that.
Probably.
I don't stock up on goger.
No, honestly, I'm fine with goger.
That looks like it has too much red 40.
No, I know.
I know.
That's why I'm pissed because I was like, oh, it's awesome that R.F.K.
Jr. is going to make America healthy again.
I realize he's going to get rid of uncrustables and gogurt.
Goger, it's crazy.
I'm like, yeah, I've been eating a lot of your plate stuff.
You call it Chio Bonnie Chio Bonnie Chio Bonnie Chio Bon.
It doesn't matter.
It's a made up word.
Well, it sounds like it sounds like fucking stupid.
It's whatever I hear aren't all words.
Do you want to be a little bit in podcast?
No, that's what Chobani was Chobani Diaz.
Yeah, that's no.
It's funny that you got the same connection.
No, he he's a I got to check if he's doing it right now because he takes breaks.
So he's a longer running podcast than us, but we're the longest uninterrupted podcast.
We say it's uninterrupted.
No, I feel like that's almost a core part of it.
I've always there's always been at least one episode a week.
I'm saying like you interrupting people.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Very interrupted podcast, but in the time span of things uninterrupted in the grand scheme of things.
And speaking of T, Patreon dot com slash bad comedy for all the good episodes and Malort sponsorship potentially coming soon.
Potentially secrets here.
I saw a comic go up and after their set, when the people in the audience yelled, you suck.
Nice.
And maybe exposed to that was the secret.
Yeah.
And maybe I'll reopen the secret seer.
We have some dark stuff behind there.
Some real damaging stuff that we wouldn't even say on the Patreon is on the secrets tier that still exists.
But I've hidden it for new people that join damaging.
Whoa.
Like what is it?
Like somebody else.
You suck.
It's like after they're like criminal things people have done.
Punching a woman, punching women.
Whoa.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Maybe not.
Did you guys punch a woman?
No.
Oh, we'll talk about it.
I would have been canceled if I ever if I were.
All right.
People would cancel me so quick if I did.
If I hit a woman or something.
There's some people just waiting.
Would they know if you didn't like talk about it on your pod?
People are just waiting to pounce on me to to to wrong a woman so they can cancel me.
But Matt can't tell a lie.
I can't tell a lie.
Or not say something.
I cut down.
If you punch the woman.
When I was a kid, I cut down a cherry tree and my dad said, you cut down a cherry tree.
And I said, I did.
I'm sorry.
I would only punch a woman for gold medal.
And then I didn't get in trouble.
He said, I respect your honesty and you're not in trouble.
My dad was George Washington's dad too.
You did the cherries.
This guy was addicted to the cherries.
Yeah, you also have George Washington's teeth.
A lot of people call me honest.
No, no, no.
You're projecting now because you have wooden teeth.
That's like you have turned my center smile.
Hey, happy New Year, everyone.
The Carlos McSeese, George Lopez.
This is kind of a New Year's episode.
Take your Christmas tree out of your living room already.
You lazy pieces of shit already.
Why don't you do it?
It's not it's not Christmas anymore.
Get it over with.
There's discounts.
Really?
Stop.
Stop trying to make her secularize everybody.
We sold the North Pole.
No, everything has to happen for a reason.
Yeah, it's not fucking Christmas anymore.
Get rid of the Christmas decorations.
Now you get rid of it.
You're lazy.
New Year's no more.
Marigolds.
You keep holiday stuff up until after the New Year.
That's where you get rid of it.
I need to buy one of those glasses that say twenty twenty five.
But like they just say twenty twenty five like right here.
I like that.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no.
That dumb shit where they integrate the numbers into the.
I remember twenty twenty.
Oh, you know, the teachers kid at twenty twenty glasses.
They're so cool.
The thing is, Yolo, I remember saying that a lot.
Wow.
I would joke.
I would jokingly say you wouldn't say that now.
I would always ironically in college say like we'd get like a we'd get like a bunch of four
locos and then I'd be like hashtag Yolo.
I do.
It was ironic.
You guys were fine.
Yeah, I would say I would say hashtag.
It's such a.
Yeah.
If you guys were to text me to hang out, I would have been like, oh, yeah.
Well, you know, that's the only reason I was with us.
I mean, when I got to University of Iowa, it became the number one party school.
OK, for sure.
So one party of what?
Republican, I guess.
Repup. It's no, we're all repup.
It's a Kermit Kermit party.
Kermit. Oh, I thought you were going to do something funny.
Oh, this is a liberal talk.
You don't think it's Kermit impression.
Hey, everybody.
What do you take? Take the shot.
And I think it's OK.
Won't you change it to the parents of them?
Hey, hey, don't say hey, don't say the wrong pronoun to me.
OK, yeah.
Say voice.
Yeah.
All right.
I guess I'm looking for a job.
Well, then there's obviously the lesbian liberal.
Hey, folks, do you have any shoe bros later on that I could buy?
Jodie Foster, a doctor, Dr.
Lector. No, I was thinking I was putting lotion on earlier and it started
making me think of that movie.
And then Elizabeth Warren says that that's how she stays.
So young is using a lot of moisturizer or something.
And I'm like, I love moisturizer.
It's kind of a lizard person.
But what about Elizabeth Lector?
I like that.
I've never seen them in the same room.
Lizard person.
Oh, I keep getting notifications for recipes for some reason.
I don't know.
Recipes. It sounds like rest in peace.
Yeah, they're going to get rest of peace in my mind.
Uh huh. Yeah.
So Jodie Foster, there's a blooper in there.
She was like, Dr. Lector, I would love to have sex, but I'm a lesbian.
So we can't.
But then he does the tucking thing.
And then he goes like
he does that movie.
Have you seen Sounds of the Lambs?
Yeah, which is not funny.
Sorry.
It's like the word moist.
Sorry. Wait, can you know, just say it again?
And then I'll laugh.
Hey, Dr. Lector, I would have sex with you, but I'm a lesbian.
So we can't have sex.
But I love sex.
Give me a second. I'm really bad at acting.
You should be better at it.
You go to the what is it?
The annoying.
No, because I don't pay any more for the improv classes.
So I'm really bad at it now.
Well, you don't need a class.
It'd be funny to take acting classes, but secretly be like horrible on purpose,
like even worse than you would be like, I would be bad at it.
But if I was trying to be like the worst actor, but then the whole time
it was secretly a bit just for yourself.
And just getting the head shots and getting the tape and all that.
And it just ruins scenes every time.
I have an idea.
I want to disrupt all of improv and Second City and stuff like that.
OK. And just basically start a cult where I teach people just to live their life
as improv.
Yeah, like you'd sign up for the right like there's never.
No, no, I tell this leaves the room with you.
I tell people to leave what leaves to leave the leave
the classes that they're doing and I'll teach them improv.
I'll teach them to have their have their life probably a lifestyle.
Make it. Everything's a joke.
It's the best way to live.
Which makes nothing a joke.
Nothing's funny.
Well, the only time I'm not doing improv is when I'm podcast.
You're doing stand up.
What? Yeah. Wait, when will they know what's funny?
They won't. Yeah.
Because they won't be in the room.
Now, what we'll do is we're never funny.
Well, they hang out with me and then they kind of pick up on what's funny.
But like what we'll do is we'll sit at a court.
We'll sit in the corner of Lincoln Lodge, a circle table.
Give people a hard time.
You seen Remember the Titans?
Never. Yes.
He says never funny, sir.
Something. Yeah.
I'll say something.
Yeah. Never back down. Never what?
I'll be like I'll be like strong side.
I'll be like, son, one day one day you can be funny.
One day you can be funny, but you got to put in
a I'll say you got to buy these commemorative coins off of the.
I'll say I'll say it's 99 percent perspiration, one percent inspiration.
OK, you got to put the time and you got to sweat to be funny.
And you can get there. I'm level five.
You were over level two. Second city.
I could make a big time.
Big time. It's a tale of two cities.
Jesus Christ. What about a tale of two titties?
Yeah, in the wheelchair at the end, he's watching them win the game.
That'd be a good porno name.
A tale of two cities.
Yeah. All right, folks.
Much forward. It's happy new year to you guys.
First of all, second of all, happy new year.
Happy new year to the listeners. I hope you listen.
I hope you listen to most of it.
Yeah, I hope you get hot.
We're going to get our goal for the next year is we're going to get hot.
We're going to put on makeup before the party.
We're going to put on makeup before the podcast and stuff.
I'm going to put on a lot of contour. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm going to stop fasting.
Yeah. And then he's going to start fasting.
I'm going to start fasting. And then I've been slowing down.
I'm going to stop eating so much pizza every week and an ice cream
and then maybe do a little bit of weight training.
Do an improv right now. Yeah.
And he's what you're doing improv.
No, I'm not. Oh, yeah.
Where is oh, no, he's not.
Oh, not. And not.
Well, it's kind of I got excited and I'm going to expose you.
OK, Hikki, you're going to expose me for.
No, that's the kind of dirt that we expose in the secrets tier.
Yeah, we expose the financial crimes, sexual crimes and doing improv and and.
We've frauds like real frauds, financial crime.
You die for an improv. We docks.
We docks. We docks.
We're big doctors. Yeah.
They got the it was like the docks.
The docks, combo is what they call us.
Folks, happy new year.
Coin shortage. Do you have anything coming up?
I might be I might be on our show, so I'm not going to announce that.
I had a whole announcement ready in my brain, but then I totally got distracted.
Even is there a date?
You might be on Sunday, Sunday, a live one next.
I'm not telling you what show you just have to you just have to figure it out
because it's really hard to like
to get it's really hard to like remember everything. OK.
My favorite stand up places are alive one bug house theater.
No, it's like, oh, I remember what I wanted.
Yeah, I'm going to do an open
I'm going to do an open mic set where I I need an improv partner.
So if you want to be my improv partner,
I I'm going to just like cry the entire five minutes
and then I'll hold a cup for your tears of fake.
Yeah. And then you have to like react as if like you don't know what's going on.
You're a little confused.
Like you're going to like try to take me to the back
and then I'm going to like what kind of jolts and reacts
like as if he did something wrong.
And I hope you're going to be OK with that.
So it's going to look like I'm like you're crying
and I'm trying to force you somewhere. Yeah.
I don't know if that looks no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're not forcing me like we were doing an improv scene
and I just start bawling and that's like going to be my bit.
OK, because you hate it.
Most improv is like this is what most improv is.
Is not really funny. No, they're like, hey, I have a water.
What am I doing?
I have a cup of water.
Here's here's a cup of water. And they go, thank you.
No, I just want to.
It's more of a social experiment than a ha ha funny.
But I just want I will be wearing a GoPro.
So maybe that will kind of a pretty good
improv person doing with a GoPro.
I mean, like that is that is kind of professional.
That is kind of professional if you're on the go.
I saw some break down one kind of a pro on to be on the go.
Do you know what's your what's your guys's New Year's
revolution conflict?
To do a push up a push up and to read.
What do you weigh a pound?
It like hurts.
It's hard to push up. It's hard to push off the ground.
Wait, why are you fasting?
What? Why? You don't need to be fasting.
You said that.
You told me you were fast.
I was I was like, you told us, yeah, I was like, you're fast.
You said that he's sensitive about it,
but you know who I'm trying to say, I peaked at a certain place.
Peaked. It peaked.
You make pee.
Yeah. And then now I look like this.
So that's why I'm I wanted that.
Stopping my fast. You felt like you were. Yes.
So you felt like you were Dale. You were McPeak.
No, you can't say he's like sensitive about it.
You can't make peak is a smaller peak.
Yeah. Yeah. I was basically.
So so you're just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding.
Oh, so that's good for the podcast for 2025.
You're so you're we're going to learn how to forgive and forget.
So you're going to be hot. You're going to be hot in 2025.
I'm going to get I'm going to be hot in 2025 in the podcast.
I might get uglier. I'm going to be I'm going to be.
I thought you were getting back to your peak physique.
No, no, this is my peak. I'm going to get uglier.
No, that's fine.
You have a lot of the podcast.
To fill the podcast, the resolution is to get hot.
So you just get hot.
We're all going to get no part of the four people or tan or you have to get a buzz cut.
Healthier.
I have stringy ass hair.
I could find some some other fun haircut.
I don't know. I was thinking about micro bangs, but this.
Yeah, that's why I just have normal hair.
What does that mean? Like this?
Oh, just like that.
The hair. Oh, OK.
It's like girl hair. Yeah. Girl.
A standard girl hair.
OK, cool. Like I have girl hair like a basic basic women like.
Like, can men not have this hair?
Jesus had this hair.
Yeah, no, men can. Let's talk about it.
That standard girl hair.
Zach O'Riain had this hair.
Well, he's gay in a bad way, not in the homosexual way.
Dando Cimo looks like a young Mozart.
Yeah. But yeah.
So what's your revolution?
Revolution.
I'm going to finally like this is not I want to actually make a feature film.
I'll be this year.
I it's ready. It's cooking.
It's bacon. You got in the can.
It's in the can. I just got to read read.
You just got to turn some gears.
Spackle it up. I got to pay some Epstein's and yeah,
we're going to get it out there.
Read for any of the arts.
But she says Epstein, she means Bracko.
No, no, no. Steven Haas.
He has the black magic.
What Steve Hofstadter's he's like a ginger.
He did. Steven Haas.
Added to the list.
Haas. Yeah.
Dylan plugs and sorry,
resolution and plug.
Resolution.
I'm going to try to make this a hotter podcast.
I'll do my part.
Going to try to teach my cats how to play guitar.
OK, and hopefully make a feel good movie about it.
OK, like Air Bud.
Yeah, you should make like an Instagram for the cats.
Yeah. Like, you know, so quickly, you should do shadow me.
What about for the cats?
You should do a flying cat and you throw it throw the cat across the room.
I'm going to try to get on the news.
Just animal abuse content.
Well, you just caught it in slow motion, only to show the flying part.
Not the landing.
Or are they making a joke about me shaking my cats?
Well, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you have to think about it.
Never shake your pet.
You said that's the line, but you got to think about it for for the views.
You got to say for the views, I walk the line.
I don't want to dox my cats.
What are their names?
Jasper Casper?
No, we got Floyd.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, electricity.
I want to plug that.
OK, cool.
Catch me at all.
As always, catch me at all the clubs, of course, every weekend.
Follow me a bad boy comedy.
New Year's resolution.
Get hotter for the podcast.
I'm going to be a little bit of a
hotter for the podcast.
I'm going to be getting fitted.
I'm going to be so I'm going to get stronger and get swole.
I'm going to have like my my my form is going to be this big.
So I'm going to have to beat off more veins, vascularity, and I'm going to have to switch off hands beating off.
Yeah, that's how you get strong mainly.
And then because I don't want to have like one big Popeye arm on this arm, you know,
that's how I'm going to get hot.
I guess I do just from sex.
I do have some home workout gear.
Yeah, my new year's resolution is to get sex.
Yeah, yeah.
That's also not me.
Yeah, my resolution is sex.
I'm buying them both.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I'm trying to change my name is sex.
I'll even hit the disk.
I saw yours.
I'll even.
I'm sorry.
I'll even down to hit the discount rack or the clearance rack for some sex.
Yeah, a lot of call of cards.
What?
I got some Marshall gift cards.
Nice.
Did you get those?
You still grandma?
Marshall's is actually good.
Marshall's is a good store.
And I'm also going to I'm going to try.
I'm going to try out standup comedy, I think, for what?
In twenty twenty.
Really?
Should try.
I'm going to try it out.
See it.
See how it goes.
OK.
Well, come on.
Like where?
Let us know.
Yeah, I'm thinking power or something.
Oh, I thought you were going to do that new joke about Narelle's Berkeley.
I've been working on for a year.
Yeah, I think that'll do pretty well.
Mm hmm.
Yeah.
And you said that you might have to work on it for a while.
But yeah, I got to be together.
But I think they'll be ready by some point in January.
Yeah, I'm excited.
We'll come support and we'll watch the joke.
Thank you.
Change over time.
Thank you.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, that's the thing about jokes is they develop, they add tags.
You collaborate with your friends and they help you make the joke great.
And it's like art.
But you they also let you have the ownership over as kind of a selfless thing to get together with your friends and, you know, just create art.
And then like one of them gets it and then you see your friend and once it's ready, you go pick that joke from right.
Yeah.
And then you steal it and then you copyrighted.
That's what happened.
And then you post it.
You put.
Yeah, you post a caption.
You ask like a 20 year old to edit to capture it for you.
That's the part I don't like.
That's what Dan does.
He did when being in the same hung out is we would, you know, we would write jokes together and I would basically do all the content.
He would write it down because he was kind of like my scribe.
Yeah.
And then I took it all of it.
You're like, so which one of us gets this one?
He kept saying I get this one.
No, he just like to go of it.
He's like, OK, I'll keep this scroll.
It was a scroll and he used a feather pen and then he he's kept the scroll.
I forgot the joke.
So I've never known he was a scribe.
He is a credible memory.
Yeah, I watch any joke.
I have the short term memory of a fucking aunt and not that not like a parent's sister like the bug.
She is dementia.
Yes, that's dementia.
All right, folks.
Happy New Year.
We'll catch you in the new year on the flip side in the new.
No, I'm in.
Whoa, we'll catch you next.
See you next year.
Flippity flop.
This is a stand. See you guys next year.
Bye.