Hey everybody, welcome to the Bat Comedy podcast. I'm the Unibrowmer. I'm kind of like Luigi,
the CEO killer. I'm here with Gene Simmons or Andrew Dice-Blai.
They call me Andrew Nais Clay.
All right. And then we got the famous coin shortage, Alex Demogorgon.
Thank you. Hello.
Folks, it is a beautiful day. We're recording this actually after the guest episode that we had with
a Hispanic gentleman. And I just want to say that it's gonna be kind of hard to do this episode
after all the racism that I heard from Alex here. I mean literally...
I don't really want to address that.
I don't think you left anything off the table. There is racism, xenophobia.
Sexism, homophobia, even though he's maybe gay or not.
But Alex, we want to get away from isms.
Yeah.
Like the female fairies.
I agree. I agree. I agree.
She called herself the female Tom Holman. She said, I'm gonna deport you myself.
Tim Dillon. I'm a female Tim Dillon. I just report stuff that's going on in the Middle East
in my hoodie and I'm like excited.
He kind of stole the whole us thing.
Like Alex Andrew Jones.
Where we do the podcast.
What?
I think Tim Dillon kind of stole the whole doing a podcast thing from us.
I don't want to fucking...
I hate him.
I think Alex Jones kind of stole the whole doing a podcast.
The whole Nick doing news.
I really want to be on Joe Rogan just so I could sit there in silence.
Everyone would be mad that you grew up with.
If you went on Joe Rogan, you'd be allowed to come on our podcast because we have a direct funnel from his guests.
After they go in his podcast, they come on ours.
Really?
Sam Talent went on his, came on ours.
No way.
More direct connection.
Have you not seen that episode? That's our only free guest episode.
I have not.
Well...
I don't watch the episodes of this podcast.
Yeah.
Or Joe Rogan.
Yeah.
I watched the last Joe Rogan podcast.
What about Joe Slogan?
Who's that?
He's like, it's the Joe Rogan show.
Joe.
Love to see you smile.
That's his Joe slogan.
Okay.
It's the Joe...
I'm loving it.
What about this?
Joe Rogan now.
So this is our new intro song.
Oh yeah.
It's because we're kind of autistic.
So it's like trains by day, trains all night, all day.
All day.
Okay.
RfK Junior.
Oh.
What if other comics died?
Gay?
Just because I have worms in my brain doesn't mean I'm related to him.
You probably do have worms.
He only had one worm in his brain.
I only have a specific type of parasite.
I forgot the name of it because they fucking ate away my memory.
It's probably the termites in your smile.
That was a callback to the last podcast I was even playing.
No.
To the next podcast.
Or the next one, I guess, in this case.
Oh.
Washington teeth, folks.
We're actually perfect humans.
We have perfect health, mentally, physically.
George Washington was the only Pisces Moon precedent.
Wow.
That goes to show what's wrong with this.
You're into all that analogy stuff.
Yeah.
The anal gillie.
Yeah.
Anal Jesus.
Yeah.
Anal Jesus stuff.
Yeah.
I fucking love that stuff.
It makes sense.
You know what I am?
It makes sense.
You know what I am?
Aries.
No.
Capricorn.
Nope.
Aquarius.
No.
Self unaware.
Virgo.
Nope.
I already said Leo.
Gemini.
Your cans.
Oh, shoot.
You got to get more in touch with that.
Yeah.
Well, it's not.
No one cares if someone's a Gemini.
I'm a Gemini because I have so many gems.
I'm so rich.
The most serial killers are Geminis.
Yeah.
I agree.
I'm so womanlike.
You know I don't even know that yet.
Why?
Well, just look.
He's not really doing the same thing.
Yeah.
But he's just like statistically proven.
Like fuckin'.
Oh.
What's his face?
Jeffrey Dammer.
Okay.
Uh...
I can't name him because we could figure something out.
Okay.
So he has one.
But because of the words.
One.
Okay.
Me.
What do you think Michael Myers is?
Oh, it's.
We got to find out what Michael Myers is because Michael
Myers is a standup comedian in Chicago.
Is the smiley faced killer?
I have not seen him around for like two years.
He's been around.
You just said him.
Sounds like Kyle comedy bar
He's been headlining Xanies actually oh for real. Yeah. Oh, I never go to Xanies though
Well, that's because I can't stand the screeching of Adam Addison Stephen how's having sex in the bath there?
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say like it's always like the fight like they're always really good comedians
But they're always like the same comedians there. Yeah, they mow good. Yeah, like I
I need more mo good
No, which is chill no, there's also a comedian they mow bad
You know him well mow bad
He sounds familiar mow bad
What's his like bit? Could you say it word for word? He's like?
Like Palestinian I look like
He's Palestinian I don't know
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he was unconscious but he looks like a white guy. He was a white guy
Turns out Palestinian the whole time
Insane, that's awesome. He can like now talk about it. No, it's like slay
It's like slay per for sure for sure. Yeah, it's like that's so fetch
Yeah, definitely not to crawl at all. No, no, that's super to grow
I think like being like a like mo good like just a black woman be like, okay
You're getting she's a beautiful black queen. Yeah, that's what I was then it's kind of like to pox mom
Right now
I was like, that's not a woman. Mr. Burns
I love fucking the Simpsons dude. Oh
Krusty the clown. Well, you don't like you don't like it as much as Blake Burkhart. You want to know why?
Blake Burkhart jerks off to the porn wear Homer
Lisa
This is this is a story that's been going around since I started comedy and it's true apparently someone walked down on him doing that
Should prank call him and see if he ends I look like my guy
A guy who beats off to home on Lisa
I look like oh my god, that would be so embarrassing. They're just like your thing is the Simpsons
This is the page shot episode Blake Burkhart. I love you. That's not a name Blake Burkhart
Blake Burton stock we call him or Blake Michigan like Michigan. Yeah, it's a good
Blake mission, but you hate bald people. I do I wouldn't like platonically. I like him, you know
So folks, we're gonna give you a scope into the we're gonna give you scope
We're gonna give you scope into the future
So I'm gonna predict that coin short is gonna be mean about being bald in the guest episode about Dylan being bald in the guest episode
And then what's that gonna be based on and then about Dylan having to go to the hospital and get hair plugs
Yeah, maybe I told him glue it on. I don't care if it's supposed to take nine weeks
Yeah, and then all of a sudden I glued it on too hard. Yeah
Come off now. You know I have a spot. You don't have to change yourself in anyway. Well, he already did. It's too late
Yeah, yeah, I see the new hairdo. It's awesome. You're being you're being very you're being very heiress
You're being Kamala Harris
Everyone knows the saying hive minds think a lot
It's just cuz I'm thinking what you're thinking doesn't mean I agree with it
Well means you're thinking it means you're sharing the brain
I'm gonna watch Brad coffins new promo real
I mean
I'm sorry for liking your post to suck at your profile. I hope you don't mind mine
Oh my god, no Brad cough. Such a single fan for just someone that's never gonna help you. Yeah, that's not even a level above you
Yeah, that's a step down. Oh
Oh, he's in them a favor. You know he's flat broke buying the likes and making that video that video really put them under
They're all suckering each other's dicks. I wonder how many lights all collab on this and hopefully it'll do something
Yeah, why would he why would he start putting out more content that means he didn't have to buy more likes
Oh my god, even his own fans can only pretend for so long sorrows to shake him down cuz sorrows the middle man for the likes
of the guy
That's classic play
Love both comedians and people
I think Baldi Dylan. I want to say I think bald equals bold. I think we don't need to talk about it
I just want to say the bald eagle is the symbol of America. I think you're bold headed. Why bald?
I think you're bold headed dude. I am bold my doctor told me I'm bold
for demanding
Solution turns out as a British doctor is like you bold
When Alex went to art school, yeah, she's artistic and we all know how that happened
Yeah, you are told you're autistic. Yeah, well Dylan goes
Dylan's projecting
Dylan goes to a lot of different doctors with different accents
TV he went to
The doctor said his doctor is from Boston
He's living Boston the doctor said I said Dylan your autistic and then that is such a bad accident
You know the guy Dylan your autistic. Oh
Okay, let's hear you say it. Tell me I'm autistic Dylan you are
Boston
Park the car you're artistic
I've been trying to power up hard for yeah, but so Dylan went to art school for a stand-up comedy
Because he thought he was artistic. No fucking way really
You major you majored
And then it turned out he's our autistic
No, not painting I said art
Real art wait
Art what did you major in finger painting of comedy? Yeah
Shit, I also major in a comedy now you're in school wait me. Yeah. Oh
Yeah, no, but like no way
But I major in a stand-up comedy in Columbia College
And I said that I would make it really big and then I see them because I didn't
You saw what it was really like and like everyone everyone's get sued
Yeah, I'm gonna shoot the president of Columbia College. He stepped down though
Cuz he knew cuz he knew that my degree was bullshit you mean
Columbia right
You mean you're gonna cancel him right? Oh
Right, sorry, I forgot this is gonna be on YouTube
I don't know who's taking his place though
Oh
Probably the Brandon Johnson mayor Chicago once he gets ousted
I don't think she could be president of a college
She could probably be the college. I really don't think she could she probably be like a sub for like a special education class
substitute
She was the substitute for 10 minutes. She was the president. Yeah, she was a substitute president kind of even though it was
Joe Biden being the president. Oh, Joe Biden wake up. I like Joe Biden
I'm a strong woman and she loves she loves died the Donald
She looked at him with those eyes
It's like she looked at Donald Trump impression cuz it's like so fucking creepy. Let's hear yours again. Where you make him sound like a kid
That's not yours is awful. Here's my Donald Trump impression. I look like the guy
Am I kicking a cable
What my kicking a cable
Stool out from under me trying to cancel myself. I wasn't sure what color was recording and it was recording
There are wrong colors and right colors. Yeah, the right brothers
Yeah, yeah, well, yeah, oh, no the right color
How do you pick your vape that you're going to smoke
Which everyone's charged. Do you have any smoke? So no, but like how do you pick the flavor like like what's your goats you flavor?
I like flavors.com. This one's called pie. Oh, that's what spice girl. Yeah. Yeah. How do you pick? Yeah?
How do you pick your flavors? I always go to VHICS.com
I'm posh kind of baby
Remember that commercial from a long time ago. No
You're like 15
I remember like the get connected commercial. I remember like
What which one about
Adele
Okay, she was she was fat never loved her that she has skinny and everyone hated her. Well, she got really annoying
Because she was skinny. No, because they like ate her brain
Ate her brain to say the least
MIA said that she helped Adele get famous then Adele thanked Beyonce because they're all in the illuminati
This is my thank you Beyonce
Oh, by the way, um, thank you Beyonce rfk. We're drinking organic wine
Alex being the from Trader Joe's. Yeah, I read who works there as a leftist. They're all trade. Yeah
Exactly. That's why it's called Trader Joe's
Yeah, everyone there is committed sedition
I love spicy. I love sedition. Obtraction
Yeah, I'm multiplying
You like that?
Sedition is a real word and I did sedition
In abstraction. I like that word sedition. Yeah, I'm gonna google it though. It's like it's basically the same thing as treason
I want to get
I want to get sedation
A lot of guys spoke out recently so that they woke up and p did he was saying I'm almost done
That really happened
And not even a bit so yeah, there's too much stuff coming out. It's all off
Stick it in the man is sticking you in that
Sedition I'm gonna add that to my list. It's a remix to sedition
You think it's cool to go to a p diddy party because you're nobody in the north of suddenly
Wait, did you guys hear my ins and out? Wait, how about this? It's a remix to sedition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
This is a new segment. It's Alex with
I'm betraying that country with every man that
These are the things that I think is gonna be like in for 2025. Oh my gosh. You should tell us this off
Off camera so we can know and other people can't okay. Let's tell the baddie
I think house music is gonna be in. Do you think so?
I think so. I think not why I think I think we might go
Back to dark dub stuff like that second excision. So no no no I think hyper pop is out
Yeah, it is. Yeah, maybe we'll extreme the recession core stuff like people are tired of it
They want something more chill. Maybe this is part of why your D.I. higher
Maybe more like mgmt. We'll see
No, no, they're not coming back
No, no, no, no, no, they're they're retiring because they're tired. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
We're gonna jack marlowe's
No, no, those are good that they're good, but it's they're not coming back. Hank william jr. He's coming back
Never he's a dinosaur coming back. No dinosaur. I think bob dillon's coming back because they're making a biopic with tim
Tim shalom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bob Dylan has he's an ancient
He's he's like the bad comedy of singers because he has the worst voice. He sold his soul. Yeah
Well, he has the worst voice of all time
But like you had meaningful writing and great music around him. He said that he lost it. He said he had it and he
He can't do it. No, I saw him live and it was I couldn't understand a word. He said exactly. I saw willy nelson, bob Dylan
John melons camp, you know, you know
Melons
Quick preview
No don't cut back to that no
Hey, they're all beautiful people. They just need fucking
We won't bait you anymore into being extremely offensive.
Thank you.
I would love to have a career by the age of 28.
Who else is in?
Yeah.
Oh, his off.
What?
Who else is in?
Don't interrupt her anymore.
Okay.
Futilism's back.
I think feudalism's going to be back.
I think we need kings and queens and we need the
gestures and we need a guillotine.
We need guillotine people.
We talked about this.
I think chivalry is coming back.
Whatever that means.
Yes.
Holding doors and not being like, thank you.
Chivalry is like standard manners and everything.
That's all started with the medieval times.
The idea of chivalry.
But also people are like shitting on the streets.
Right now.
We've had some pretty bad leaders.
That's bad.
No, no, no.
Your leadership doesn't mean.
That doesn't echo.
It doesn't echo what's going on in the country.
But I do think the stand up comedy scene is totally weak.
SNL should just fucking stop existing.
That's why I've been hiding and I'm going to come in my iron fist
and reinvigorate the comedy scene.
Is anyone else in or is that in?
I have not seen.
I have yet to see Chris Fleming.
You guys like Chris Fleming?
I don't know who that is.
He's just the out West.
You got to fucking watch Chris.
You would hate him.
He looks like a gay poodle.
He's not your type of guy.
He's not like a holy wearing white guy with no hair.
Are you just saying Dylan?
Yeah, Tim Dylan.
I just think Dylan.
Dylan more.
It's so true.
No, he's like the only one who actually does comedy fair.
No, but anyone ever.
But I want to spell it.
He is at Calvars.
Okay.
He says he wears a wig.
But he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
I think he does.
If you want to know more, check out the page.
You're a check out the Patreon because I actually explain it.
Okay, but if he doesn't, it's patreon.com slash bad comedy.
Who's out?
What's the out list?
So just these things are so last immigrants, immigrants for sure.
Fast food chains.
Out.
Dei hiring.
Barry Keegan.
Illegal immigrants.
He's the he's the guy who cheated with Sabrina Carpenter.
What about Barry Manilow?
That's a good name, right?
No, no one has ever talked about him ever.
Yeah, I know, but it's a cool name.
I saw him.
You said Barry.
Okay, I'm trying to.
I'm trying to yes and you just you have all this.
Didis or I do have pipelines and saying red pill.
I think that that's out.
It's out.
Pipelines.
Pipeline.
They're out.
Pipeline.
No, they're bringing back to Keystone.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's gonna be out.
Same with Dogecoin.
It's out.
Dogecoin is going to be out soon.
What about to a coin?
I saw a coin for a week and a crash.
That did not make the list.
I'm not sure.
People got scammed.
I love Tony Hawk to a periscope to three.
What else is out for 2025?
Fenty carts.
Fentanyl.
Fentanyl is going to be out less.
No, no, there's going to still be fentanyl.
Like people are going to love fentanyl, but not the cart form.
What about fentanyl shortage?
Yeah, that should be your Instagram name.
Fentanyl.
We should all try fentanyl on here.
I've tried it.
We should do it.
My friend had a deal that night.
Okay.
So I'm not a fan of fentanyl.
No fucking way.
He didn't die, but he went to the hospital.
What?
And then he went to rehab.
I didn't know what it was.
And then I snorted it.
And then me and three other people and then we all like firehose vomited.
Yeah.
They were telling him like it's fentanyl and Mack wasn't listening.
Uh-huh.
That's right.
Yeah.
Fastened away.
No Coleman.
Then he had to go back to Keller Park.
Oh, what now?
No, it's not.
He just didn't have that much money.
He perfectly wasn't like, oh, wow.
That is like theRIES injuries.
And you had to take over the cart form?
Um,
Yeah, but again.
We're all surprised.
out saying I'm a homebody that's really fucking cringe.
But we're bringing back the housewife
and bringing women back to the kitchen.
No, yeah, I do agree that the domestic lifestyle
is coming back.
Yeah, it can be.
But only to the people who like those fuck ass haircuts
where they're like, you know, they're making bread
and not doing anything else.
Just washing fucking teeth.
Oh, 2B's in.
2B.
No.
The streaming platform.
What do you mean, no?
It's not.
2B is so going to be in.
The Mac is resisting.
It's the only free streaming service
where you can just watch whatever garbage you want.
I have a question.
Why didn't you shave your head when Donald Trump got elected,
like all the other little girls did?
Why didn't you move the country?
Yeah, they shave their head and they
said they're not going to have sex for four years.
Because bad American girls.
Oh, the 4B movement.
OK.
4B?
Yeah.
I'm not going to lie.
I really like fucking.
And I don't really care who's president.
And I would do it.
I would do it.
But then I totally got lucky with like.
What about this?
I joined the four babies movement on Pro Life.
Oh, OK.
Well.
It's funny.
It's kind of like the 4chan movement.
They work.
Why is that funny?
It's like 4B, but it's 4chan.
From a different continent.
Yeah.
I don't. Yeah.
I don't know.
Yeah, the 4B movement.
I'm pro-life because I don't want millions of people
to die in wars.
Oh, that's not what that means.
But that's OK.
I want to explain it.
Are you proud?
Are you proud of death?
I'm so happy.
No, no.
I'm pro.
Do whatever you want.
Your boyfriend has a lot of hair.
Do whatever you want.
Yeah.
You think people should be able to grape?
Oh, I didn't say that.
Well, it's my body.
That's under everything.
Well, no, no, no.
Like, I think you should do whatever
you want to your own body.
And what happens in the bedroom?
You could cut your arm off if you want.
I don't give a fuck.
Well, what if I don't want to go to war?
But that's different.
That's like the government controlling your body.
Safe for abortion.
Yeah, the government controls women bodies.
And men.
Yeah.
Because we get drafted to the military.
If you don't want that, then something's sad to slide.
No, no.
You have to go.
Yeah, but you should vote against that, right?
Yeah.
I mean, we shouldn't have a war.
Right.
And then you should also.
Slay.
Well, men also have to get tattoos.
I say slay king if it's a king of another country.
Yeah, you do.
If you want to be cool, you have to get tattoos.
Well, that's, well, yeah, but.
That's my body.
This is a race.
It wasn't even by what?
What else is out for 2025?
How many tattoos do you have?
Do you have like sleeves?
I have like four.
And I hate all of them.
Say what?
I only have a snake.
You have a tramp stamp?
You have a snake?
I have a snake right here.
His name is Jerry.
Oh, that's a don't tread on me snake.
Or no, that's the the other snake.
The other guy.
No, it was like the 13 colonies snake.
Yeah, the cut up like, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can't see it.
I didn't get it because of that.
But I was just like, I want a snake on my body.
I mean, that's not a bad flag to have.
That's just from the country.
That's that's liberate.
Yeah, that's libertarian.
Cuck shit.
But like, it's not.
I have this flower from Chinatown.
But I got when I was like kind of manic.
It was falling.
It's falling apart.
How come anything that like is like patriotic is like far
right?
You look at the history of our country and exploitation.
And you realize, maybe maybe the Civil War was an intellectual
battle.
How do we justify how good we had it?
I would have to argue not very civil.
Yeah, I feel like war is not very civil.
Every civil war, I'd say never really is very civil.
Yeah, they really just sit down and talk it out like on a podcast.
It's like the opposite of civil.
I took I took civics in college and I'll tell you what.
So what's not civil?
The war.
Dude, Ben Franklin was such a G though.
Yes, thank you.
We were huge fans of Ben Franklin.
He looks like Smart Dale.
Well, being a G is a bad thing.
Wait, what?
You don't want to be an OG original gangster.
That means you're a dinosaur now.
Yeah, yeah, like Hank Williams, Jr.
You know, lost in power.
You know, when he was when he was 13,
he ran away from his family so he could pursue
his dream as a writer.
Wow.
He said I ran away.
He's just worked at like a newspaper
plant for like fucking 10 years.
And then he was like, I'm so bored of this shit
that he made the male he like silence do good.
That's like the thing to do is you start in the mail room.
He was like the first like standup comedian.
If you really think about it, he wrote like a book of wood is.
No, he was the first troll in the right.
Right, right, right, right, right.
No, no, literally he was the first.
Yeah, yeah, no, you made the first nonfiction bullshit.
He was the first like media troll.
Literally.
Because he would write articles.
He'd write satirical stuff under silence do good is fake name.
And yeah.
And then he actually had a few different fake names.
It's like when Dr. Doolittle, he was played by every kid.
Dr. Doolittle.
Oh, what you know, 10% is that enough?
I'm 13% is that too much?
I'm 13% Jewish folks.
Do you round up or down?
It's unlucky number.
I'm not.
How come how come numbers unlucky?
All right, I'm just going to die.
How come Jews and Catholics both get circumcised,
but other people don't because circumcision is hot.
I don't know.
Like I fucking so circumcised.
We have a rule on this podcast.
If you're going to be a host on it,
you have to be circumcised.
So are you circumcised?
Not yet.
You know that movie, circumcised me?
Yeah.
I'm on the waiting list.
It's like super sad.
It's like I want everything better be kosher.
It's an adult.
I'm going to go get circumcised.
That guy died.
They got it from Super Size Me.
Yeah, it was a.
Oh, why?
Because he ate too many burgers.
Probably from eating a bunch of you poison.
Thank you, J.K.
K was probably like, I told you.
So OK.
Yeah, I bet he likes Burger King more.
He said he said he said you like apples.
How about them apples?
I like apples because they're healthy.
Apple juice, lemon.
What about that?
That's good.
Why is that?
Like, oh, J.Lemon.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, J.Lemon.
There's a money trail.
Yeah.
Paper trail.
Instead of instead of dumbass, he says, damn apples.
Damn apples.
And it doesn't really catch on the same when I say it.
Dude, what if he should just make all his bits about
British OJ.
He's like, he's like, dumb arse.
That's Irish dumb arse.
What?
And they start my fish chips and dumb arse.
And it doesn't work.
It, you know, a lot.
I think Scottish is just a little bit more gritty.
Irish, a little bit less gay.
And I can't understand any of it.
Scottish.
I turned it off.
I know.
You can't listen to that shit.
East London.
It's like, I allow him from East London by the docks.
Gay lick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you know gay lick?
Have a cork in the accent.
I'm not a lesbian.
Gay lick.
Yeah, lesbians lick each other.
We need meows.
I'm trying to.
We don't actually, I don't.
Yeah, I'm going to a cookie party and I was like, am I going to get.
I'm a butcher lesbian.
I'm a butcher lesbian from East London.
You're going to a cookie party.
Are you a cookie monster?
Yes.
Yeah, right.
Someone told me I'm a Swedish cook.
What, should I?
You know, be a good prank.
What?
Someone gives a toast and then everyone throws toasted.
Like bread.
What's the prank?
Because they're giving a toast.
You throw toast at them.
What's the part of you?
You're just throwing food at them.
You're like, it's funny because it's like the same word.
Everyone frisbees toast.
Dude.
All right.
Toasting toast.
Toast.
That means toast.
Or you just stand up and say, I'm going to,
I like to have a toast and then you just eat toast.
You don't want to give a speech.
I love toast.
That's a better one.
I like that one.
You're punching up and sitting down.
What about, I like to have a ghost and then there's a ghost
and it kind of scares everyone away.
And then it's like, fuck.
Everyone's like, shit.
They murdered him as a sacrifice.
You believe in ghosts?
You ever seen the Lord?
You do?
Yes.
Have you seen him?
Yes.
Who?
It's probably carbon monoxide poisoning.
But I try to get chemistry.
I saw a chemtural ghost.
If I was a landlord, I would definitely hide.
I believe in ghosts because there was this one time where
I was just hanging out with my buddies when I was like seven.
And we found the.
Like seven years ago?
Yeah.
And then we were in the basement and we found a strobe light.
Of where?
Because my dad used to work at a club.
Of your basement?
Yeah.
When I was a kid.
The playroom and the basements were just hanging out
in the play.
I don't like the word playroom.
That's where your dad had the camera on.
No, it's inherently your bed of file.
Yeah.
I don't like the playroom.
That's where your dad had the cameras.
I don't like it.
Is that why?
We did find some cameras.
But we're going to ignore that.
Yeah.
They were right in the walls.
They were small.
You know what I'm trying to say.
They were in weird angles.
But I asked my dad about it.
He was like, don't worry about it.
It was just for art stuff.
Yeah, it was all just artistic.
Yeah, and then he strobe me in it.
And I was like, OK, that makes sense.
Can I do a little bit of therapy here for you?
So I think it wasn't a ghost.
I think it might have been your father filming
you children in your kind of block.
Not your memory, because it was a traumatic experience.
But I mean.
No, we were listening to Madonna hard candy at the time.
No, you need to confront him.
And say you shouldn't have filmed us when we were kids.
No, yeah.
I feel some sort of weird anger towards him.
But it's fine.
Yeah, it's probably because it wasn't a ghost.
It was your dad's sked a tile.
Can we like say something funny?
Yeah, we're not trying to be here and chase.
All right, I'm going to write down his name.
So I think it's funny.
This is a good way.
I'm trying to write a good set for Beauty Bar 2021.
Or what year is it?
Looks like we're going to Audi.
Oh, well, we're already an Audi.
I'm being ironic.
I'm crumpling a rap.
Hey, guys, we're going over to audio, folks.
So this is the worst podcast.
We'll have a lot of rapper noises chewing.
Maybe there's a gun getting cocked.
There's a gun in can getting cracked open.
Remember that guy?
Remember that guy named Chewy from Star Wars?
What about Chewy from Chelsea Handler's show?
That was my dad's favorite franchise.
Star Wars?
He's still alive.
Yeah, they did kind of have some pet.
They did kind of have some pedophilic stuff going on.
And then they moved.
Yeah.
So he's dead to you.
He's dead to rights.
OK, and all seriousness, I'm fine.
I never got dittled.
You did?
Surprisingly.
I never got dittled.
I never got dittled in the witty witty hours.
Jamie, could we get a fact check on that?
I never got dittled in my witty hours.
Yeah.
That's why I'm so bad at stand up, though.
Because you never got molested.
And my parents are still together.
Oh, Jesus.
You're gentrifying us right now.
Wait, are your parents your boys?
Of course.
Oh, are your parents of course?
Yeah.
Holy fuck.
Shit, they need to get divorced.
See, my parents are unhappy, but they just
don't want to get a divorce because they're brainwashed.
I don't know.
Well, I think your mom probably has a boyfriend,
and then your dad likes kids.
No.
Is your dad a cuck or a pedophile?
Or neither.
I'll ask him later.
Maybe neither.
OK, I'll call.
You should confront him and say, this guy, this therapist,
told me I might be blocking out.
I was like, yeah, I talked to you.
I talked about you on the podcast.
I was joking that you were a pedophile for like 30 minutes.
But just let me know if you like how many insights.
You know that?
I didn't even know what a pedophile was until last year.
I always thought it was somebody who worked for a podiatrist
would file a wake on all the files.
Oh, I thought it's because you watch Fox News.
No, it's because I watch like files.
And I also watch Chris, the guy who says,
take a seat, pedophile guy.
You know, I got a lot of job in a dogs.
I'm an A name Ramsey.
That's black one.
He's so funny.
Hanson.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Chris Hanson.
That reminds me of Jim Henson, the Muppets creator.
There goes Mr. Humbug.
There goes Mr. Grimm.
That's from the Muppets Christmas Carol.
I saw Brian Johnson.
I'm a big Muppets Christmas Carol fan.
What about Muppets Schindler's List, Brian Johnson?
I like that.
There goes the Nazi guards again.
Will they let us down?
What's your New Year's resolution before the year ends?
Have you finished all of them?
It was to watch Muppets Christmas Carol a few times.
All right, Dylan, yours?
My New Year's resolution is conflict.
All right.
Resolution.
I like conflict.
I'm for conflict evolution.
But in my personal life, I want any more ops.
I need to get out there and give people a hard time.
I think we need to stop being selfish.
Who do you want to attack next?
I don't really.
I mean, we can attack any of these people.
How about the Patriarchy?
It happens naturally, you know?
No, the Patriarch.
OK.
Let's put the Patriarch.
Patriarchy is in moving forward.
No, I think that's how it works.
Yeah, I do see the, yeah.
I mean, I would love to be a housewife and just like,
you know, you just kind of hang out and watch daytime TV.
And you just kind of.
I don't want to be depressed.
You could get a sugar daddy.
It's not that hard.
It's really not.
I'm a sugar mama.
You need no sugar babies.
It's got to be a girl.
Why?
Because because it's.
I don't know if you know how.
You talk about it.
Reproduction.
Know how brinaries work.
No, but no, sugar mamas don't like the woman or it's really
hard for them to become CEOs and shit.
You've got to get a sugar daddy.
No, I see.
I just need to get a rich cougar that had a sugar daddy.
It's like this.
They don't work like that.
They don't share their wealth.
This is a girl.
Now, when I trick them into marriage,
I manipulate them into marrying me.
OK.
Then, you know, I read the book, How
to Make Friends and Influence Others.
That book is really how to manipulate people.
And so I can manipulate a cougar for her to marry me.
I could have.
I'll say, I love you so much.
You don't need to bring up.
I mean, that would just show that, you know, like, you don't
trust me.
Yeah, you don't believe in us.
I would say, what about love, chief?
It's like this entry level employee.
She's really taking charge and doing a good job.
She seems bossy.
Yeah.
You ask me.
Do you guys remember that song, Bossy?
I'm bossy.
I love Bossy.
I do remember that song.
But I do want to make a lot of money.
You do want money.
I do want to make a lot of money.
What's a good way of making a lot of money?
Like, what coin should I invest in?
I was trying to tell you.
What comedian should I, like, network with and be friends with?
No comedian.
You are none?
These people are broke by their core.
Well, yeah, like, we're in the biz.
Honestly, honestly, Chris Higgins is broke.
No, yeah, obviously.
What you went to school for is you're not going to make any
money.
So you have to probably go in an oil rig or something like that.
Become a content queen.
But like, where should I go?
Maybe Alaska.
They have a lot of oil operations out there.
Alaska people are all fucking weird looking.
Nothing to do with Alaska.
They talk like this.
They're like, they're like, welcome to Alaska.
Come on.
Yeah, they all look like evers.
They're like, welcome to Alaska.
Smoking the gunjup in Alaska.
You don't want Alaska money.
They all look like Stephen Hawes, dude.
Exactly.
Bricks me out.
You don't want that money.
Throw them out as a state.
Post as much as possible.
Then sell coin footage later.
No, I literally saw it.
And then?
I saw the Anchorage City Council, their biggest city
anchorage.
It was all Stephen Hawes'.
I was like, what the heck?
Yeah, no, I just like, I don't want to go to Alaska.
No, you don't want that.
I want to die there, though.
I want to be buried there.
That's the only thing that's fun to do there is die.
Yeah.
One time.
Be buried up there, biggest state.
The time I was in downtown Chicago,
and then someone fell off building and splattered right
in front of me.
And I said, what the heck?
Really?
I walked away.
Did they bounce or?
No, no, they just splattered.
Kind of like splat clapped in or clapped in some.
He crawled out of a window.
That's why they always call them splat clapped in.
Me and no cookie.
I was worried about the sugar.
People would say it's going to make me bounce off the walls.
Wait, is that RK approved?
Let me see the wrapper.
It is.
It's the Lenny and Larry brand.
It's disgusting.
Erroneous.
Well, it says a lot about what's not in here.
Let's see what's in here.
16 grams of protein.
Xanthan gum.
As for freshness.
Why won't we have the songboard?
What the fuck?
I'm like sunflower lecotin and canola lecotin.
That's seed oils.
My book to the past.
Is bad.
Yeah.
9 11 9 11.
No, that's bad.
That's a beautiful thing.
Thank you.
I thought he was doing as a bed.
It's not a bed.
Oh my god, you got married.
Yeah.
What happened?
Well, she be at divorce and she remarried.
Oh, you guys are chill.
My ex-wife.
Well, my ex-wife's ex-wife is.
Well, you actually have an ex-wife.
Yeah.
Whoa, let's talk about her.
It's not hooked up.
Well, we used to hate each other.
Then she got married to a woman.
I guess I wasn't good enough.
And then they broke it off.
And then now it's my ex-wife is always complaining to me
about my ex-wife's ex-wife.
And her in-laws.
Yeah, there's way too many in-laws involved.
And I want out law.
So that's out of 20, 25s.
Wait, who is this?
That's my sister and her husband and me in the middle.
Oh, OK.
I'm from the second one.
OK.
Max family is so attractive besides him.
I'm making a lot of friends.
We're saying, just what happened?
Well, I'm the funny one.
So you know, you got to have.
I only get so many genes.
Well, so my sister is probably the smartest.
Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
So that's why I took the smartest.
I'm the funny one, Charlie's the best looking one.
And then Sam is just as no redeeming qualities.
But then your good looking brother is somewhere saying,
yeah, well, I'm also funny and smart.
Yeah, but he's not.
And any funnyness he learned from me.
Oh, OK.
I was the oldest boy.
I was the leader of the boys.
I'm going to try the A. A. A.
You had one older sister.
Then you were the first born boy.
So I was really the oldest.
So you really get like the crowd once your father eventually
perishes or gets murdered.
Oh, there's thiamine mononitrate in here.
But they said to complete cookie
so there's a lot of bad things.
They have in you.
It was like insulin, but it's in you in.
In you.
Yeah.
So it's like if you're in Alaska, the Inuit diabetes,
In you in TurboTex, like the Inuits or Eskimos.
They took us.
No, anyone who is like from an Inuit tribe or whatever.
I know a lot of Injins of all kinds,
but they're all savages.
I mean, like they're cool as hell, like savage.
So Inuit is not the best name for a mascot.
Is that an Inuendo?
But then from Upper Peninsula, Eskimos,
I think that's wrong, too.
Is Inuit an Inuendo?
This is a mic drop.
Nice.
Does that sound like a mic drop?
That's what happens when they cut off your mic
when your set's going so bad.
Dude, I love, yeah.
I can't wait to do my setup beauty bar.
Have you ever got a standing ovation?
How many minutes?
Have you?
All the time.
No, I never got a standing ovation.
Oh, yikes.
No, I got like a yeah.
Yeah, woo!
But never like a standing ovation.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get mostly standing ovations.
Really?
I want to go to Lincoln last night and give people a hard time.
Yeah, that's much better.
Yeah, I kind of want to give like Ted talks over there
and like talk about what's going on.
No, I just want to talk shit to people.
Give people a hard time.
Oh, but like not be on stage.
No, just kind of like hang out at a table.
People will come through and we'll just talk shit.
Yeah, and they'll be like, oh, shit, that's Mac Nipper.
He talks shit about me on his podcast.
I have a boy dog.
I'm more internet famous than I am.
Oh, actually, I mean, I defended you to Jessica
because she was saying Mac, he just took it from them.
See, do what he was saying that he just sat there and took it
from MC.
That's bullshit.
I was saying who's on the sea.
Love this clown.
Oh, anyone that was right there knows that that was not
the case.
He likes you, DJ Darksea.
But then I was just saying Mac loved the Lincoln Lodge.
I didn't want to cause a scene as a patron.
Yeah, I mean, John was there.
And I mean, also, aside from me just telling MC lightsy,
it was a fucking pun.
He returned.
And then also I had Courtney and Robon and Emily
screaming at him too.
Yeah, and I was also like, I was like, I'm not going to.
Well, I also I'm not the one who said Blair Pork Chop.
It was Jason too.
So I wasn't going to fucking Blair Pork Chop.
If you're a very skinny woman, would you take offense to Pork
Chop?
Also, her last name is Pork Chow.
Sounds just like Pork Chow.
So she grew up.
Wait, what's your last name?
Pork Chow.
Pork Chow?
And she thought it was bad to call her Pork Chow.
And Jason said she's a piece of meat.
Obviously, just a pun.
It's all of it.
It's a pun and then a pun off a pun.
But if she was really thick, that would have been fucked.
So he said Blair Pork Chop.
And I said, she was pretty medium well on stage.
Well, what's worse?
Because if you call them a piece of meat, it's good.
That's all I said was a compliment.
And then they came at me over Jason's shit.
I got it.
It's more offensive if it's like she's skinnier,
she's thick, because thick means she's a.
If she was fatter than it would have been.
But a piece of meat means they're objectifying.
Say how much you think she weighs on poverty.
A real piece of meat.
She's probably won.
She's not good looking.
Some people think she.
All right.
I don't know what she looks like.
She was kind of like a witch sorceress type of thing.
All right.
Satanic, maybe.
Call all the white males white dicks.
Right before I went up on stage.
That's nice.
And I just thought, I feel sexualized.
Yeah.
Why do people hate white men so much?
I didn't.
Because.
I didn't do slavery.
I was not around.
Nothing he wouldn't.
Were you?
When did your family?
When did your family come over?
I'm sorry to be worried.
You might have.
When did your family come over?
I just like literally during the 70s.
OK.
Yeah.
So you're like third generation?
Yeah.
I didn't get to do that.
Flavory stuff.
Sorry.
I mean, I'm sorry for that.
My family came after that too.
So.
Good.
So I'm not going to apologize on behalf of other white people.
They can apologize that they did it, but I'm not them.
So.
They're buying the fun of the gentleman.
Yeah.
So what's your latest set that you put in?
I think it was mostly.
I blame it on the Protestant white people.
Because they were the first ones here.
They were the ones doing the slavery.
And then the Catholics came in after that
or during the Civil War.
Look.
So we're good.
You're going to battle some.
You and I were scot-free, just so you know.
Quaint shortage.
OK.
My friends know that.
Are they Catholic?
No.
They're just like.
Is there family?
They're just like a college pamphlet.
Is there a Catholic or Protestant?
They're whatever.
Catholic, but I am not Catholic.
I'm saying you're friends.
If they're Protestant, their family is priestly of owners.
They're not Protestant.
I think like 20% of my friends are Protestant maybe.
Also.
And they also.
All black people are Protestant too.
They're Baptist mostly.
A lot of protest.
Good to know.
Yeah.
I'll let my two black friends know.
No.
They're Protestant.
Oh, she has multiple.
Yeah.
I have way more black friends than you do.
Really?
I was.
Oh my god.
Name all of them right now.
OK.
Scotty Scott, Rocky Clark, Jay Johnson, Randall Massey,
Dontrell Nighton.
Shout out to them.
Let's see.
We got.
See, Mac Nippers not racist.
Johnny Staphney.
We love that.
Josh Daphney.
Yes.
I don't know any of these people.
Yeah.
So I did.
Cool ones that we've heard of before.
Ty Riggs.
Have you ever been on Cold Ones?
I can't say.
I can't say like Erickson, Dockery, or Kyron,
or Harrow, because that doesn't count.
I guess combined, they're one.
For the sake of the.
So Erickson, Harrow.
OK.
Dockery, Kyron.
I'll be honest.
I think a lot of these black comics
don't accept me as one of their own.
And I'm just like.
Oh.
I just feel.
You know, it's like I don't try to.
OK.
I'm black on the inside.
It's like, you know how you can get those coats?
Where you can flip it.
And it's like fleece on the inside.
You're black on the inside when you're lucky.
That's what Dylan has.
Yeah.
If you flip to my skin inside out, I'd be a black man.
But I was born with a disease.
Or is it the opposite?
Or are they annoying?
Normally it's white.
Normally it's white on the inside of the skin.
OK.
Cool, cool.
I had John this.
Mac's black on the inside.
Yeah.
On a good Saturday night.
I had Simpson's eyes, we know.
Simpson's eyes, Simpson's eyes, Simpson's eyes.
John this job.
I don't know what to say.
John this job.
Jander and Bambin.
I've been there.
No, no, no, they're black people in the Simpsons.
Brack.
I'm Brack.
Do you guys default to crowd work a lot?
No.
Never done crowd work.
Never?
I only, only a time I did a comedy bar and I said,
this guy, like, are you guys married?
And he was a guy who was fighting with his girlfriend
who was in over there.
And I'm like, that's why I don't.
I don't want to piss people off and ruin their love.
OK, I'm going to do crowd work.
I don't do crowd work, but since we don't.
If somebody says something or like something.
Don't write that down.
You're going to become a, you don't want to be like that.
Alex, don't be a hack.
No, I'm not.
Well, I kind of have to be.
No, no, right down off the cuff.
Crowd work.
Off the cuff crowd work.
It's like someone out here says something.
The Alex, you don't want to be like that.
No, no, off the cuff.
It was someone in the audience is like, yeah.
Yeah, I'm trying to get some good fucking clips
on Instagram.
No, you're not.
You got this huge opportunity by having your own cool clips.
Cool clips.
Yeah.
Huge opportunity.
It's a different answer.
OK, but like, you know why the.
You don't want to be like them.
You know why the.
I'm definitely going to talk about the assassination.
Hold on.
I want to talk about something.
Is that this or what are you talking about?
You guys know.
You guys know where the.
The gang, the Crips are called the Crips.
Why?
Well, they're Asian and they were called the Crips,
but they were they were pronounced the Crips.
OK, I'm not stealing that one.
But they're better at technology.
And they stole our technology.
They're always doing our technology.
Kamala Harris led in like a billion people.
And she is.
All right.
She's she's Asian.
So I have this joke.
It's really bad.
It's like so.
I can't.
Are you sure?
It's really do you want to tell it?
If it's really bad.
Yeah, because I want to workshop it.
Because you guys are comedians.
OK, well, thank you.
Yeah.
A lot of people stop being honest.
You just kind of call yourself that.
So it's what the heck.
Yeah, but it's OK.
It's called bad comedy.
So I can I feel like I could say some bad comedy on here.
Right.
It is the name of the podcast.
Yeah, I forgot.
Yeah, go ahead.
Anyways, so I've been looking at a lot
of motivational pictures.
I would read, but I can't read because I am.
Yeah, because I am a woman.
So I can't drive.
You used that.
Yeah, and I can't drive.
But I'm learning how to make a sandwich.
So stick with me now.
Listen to me.
Yeah, so anyways.
So I've been looking at.
Not a tag.
You're cutting me off.
What?
No, no, like I'm looking for some drive, some motivation.
But I can't drive.
Because I'm a woman.
I was like the first thing.
Oh, that's OK.
I'm going to add that.
It's actually a good tag.
Yeah, yeah, drive for motivation.
I'm tagged in a tarot.
No, you cut her off earlier with the cut off.
No, I mean.
Yeah, that's really misogynistic.
I would have forgotten about it.
Yeah, I was mansplaining.
But that's how I explain things.
That's OK.
I was asking for it.
Just a little man.
I will join the 4B movement in a sec.
But give me a sec.
5G movement.
Give me a little cancer.
OK.
So I've been looking at a lot of motivational posters.
And this one that really sticks with me
is like a cat hanging off of a branch that says,
well, someone told me this because I can't read.
It says, hang in there.
And I'm like, yeah, I'll hang there for a sec.
But I don't know what to use.
Like, should I use a rope?
Or?
Nice.
Is that bad?
Yeah.
That's bad.
All right, so it's fine.
But you could do something with the beginning of it.
It makes me think of lynching.
I don't know if that's a good bad thing.
All right, no, that's a bad thing.
That's not.
See, I knew it was bad because when I said it, I was like,
I was just thinking what Dylan was thinking
where it was just like, nice.
Like, I wasn't laughing.
I was just like, oh, it connects, but it's not funny.
Well, I was I was deeply listening,
which is why I had this tag.
So it's one thing Dylan doesn't understand about me.
I deeply listen.
I don't.
Like, I'm trying to think of like other motivational posters,
like, you know, like fucking, using bolt,
like running and like a quote that says like,
like keep climbing.
Is that his real last name, by the way?
And then you're going to play Dom May's stuff.
Because he bolts, you know?
Like he's.
Yeah, it'd be like if my name was like.
Lightning bolt.
It'd be like my name was like Alexandra really bad at fucking
stand-up comedy.
Yeah, it'd be like if my name was Mac, like the one of the best
stand-up comics in the world.
Right.
Like, yeah.
What is the city's that?
Yeah, I think it's Irish.
Yeah, sounds Irish.
Irish.
I'm Irish.
Oh, man.
I'm Irish.
I feel like if I made that joke at the Island, you're killed.
But I don't know.
I'm Joe Kilgallen.
Welcome to CYSK.
Yeah, maybe I should just make.
This is my friend, Jonah Jerkins in the corner eating soup.
No, just.
Yeah.
I'll just keep talking about how I'm a really good comedian.
With limitations.
What?
Like what?
Impressions.
And what impression?
You always say, Jonah, talk about Obama.
Definitely do your Trump impression.
Trump impression.
I'm kidding.
No, don't write that down.
It's really bad.
We all live in this system.
OK.
What the fuck does he say?
A million dollars.
You gave me a smell.
Dylan, help her out.
A million dollars.
Ben and Trump can't talk to me.
He keeps closing himself up in the bathroom for 20 minutes.
And I'm keep knocking on the door.
He doesn't respond.
He's a dead fuck off.
I'm like, I'm like, Ben, I know you're exploding your body.
It's OK.
We have to talk about it.
You have the cadence.
Yes.
But you don't have the voice.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, I'm tired.
You've got to take some testosterone.
You've got to become a man.
I just got to close my fucking throat closer to my neck.
I'm thinking about cutting my tits off,
getting buzz cut, what do you think?
Well, you already have that.
You're already skin-headed.
Is that what you want?
What the heck?
Skin-headed.
I'm a rat tail.
I'm non-binary.
My non-binary name is Patreon.
Patreon.com slash bad comedy folks for the good episodes.
I'll just say the Benjamin Wepin lethal button
I was very passionate about.
Yeah, no, but that was a good, yeah, some bring up movies.
Just whatever you're passionate about.
I want to bring up the Polar Express for some reason.
It's like eating me alive.
The person, yeah, whatever you don't like about Tom Hanks.
There should be like a Thanksgiving Express
with like a bunch of Native American.
Bipolar Express.
Yeah.
Yeah, there should be like Easter Express where just like
a bunch of dead Jesuses everywhere.
But it's got to be like a.
Can you do a Tom Hanks voice where you're doing
Easter Express instead or Thanksgiving?
Hot, hot, hot chocolate.
Oh, I used to have a lot of dentist jokes.
I used to have a lot of good dentists.
What about?
Oh, dentist jokes.
Yeah.
The Moller Express.
It's where they remove a bad molar really fast.
Yeah.
What would be like?
You've been chewing too.
Instant.
Rook now.
Yeah.
Hey, hey.
I want to talk about Britas for some reason.
Britas like I have two Britas in my fridge.
Yeah.
There's something about Britas that just screams standup comedy.
Yeah.
Brit, you know, you know, Britas.
Brittany Spears.
No.
Fucking Brit.
I mean, I love Brittany Spears.
Remember when she was, she got enslaved?
How about Britain?
Yeah.
Like her dad literally just fucking fed her lithium.
And then she was like, wait, people don't do this.
Yeah.
She was like, she thought she was Kurt Cobain.
Yeah.
People don't live in like a castle and like, you know,
give birth to like three kids and then don't see them.
She was like, Polly wants a cracker.
OK.
Because lithium's a song by Nirvana.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got that.
Could be Brittany Spears talking about Britas like,
be Britas.
This is Britas.
Yeah.
Did you hear about like the Kurt Cobain iPhone quote?
I know Kurt Cobain.
Where?
Nice.
Damn.
You guys, you got to explore more media.
What was that?
Well, we just explore more.
You got to explore more medium.
What, medium?
Medias.
Different mediums.
What do you mean, like art?
Like TikTok.
I am on TikTok.
You are?
Yeah.
What are you watching?
No, I don't want to watch it.
I'm a creator.
I don't consume content except for Alex Jones.
Oh, you've never posted on, you never like went on your For You
page, though?
I do sometimes.
I don't want to get it.
And then what I do is I like the bad comedy posts
from my other account.
OK.
Yeah, you're not a pig.
You're not a follower.
No.
He's a farmer.
I follow people back and stuff.
I just don't go on TikTok to watch it.
I got you.
OK.
She's been commanding her touch.
Nor Instagram.
So but sometimes I'll realize I didn't like some of my friends
stuff for a long time.
So I'll go to her page and serial like stuff.
Like with Dylan.
Why?
It'd be funny if you impersonated them.
Because I don't want them to think that I saw it
and didn't like it because I probably didn't see it.
But they see the view.
Yeah.
What did you say before?
Oh, and I want to see it.
Impersonate influencers or just stuff you see online.
And I watch the whole video so I make sure they get the retention.
Like influencers are like, let me.
Like you fall asleep to it?
Yeah.
That would be my content if you made like,
you shouldn't make like,
Dylan Melatonin.
You're gonna sleep to my podcast.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Melatonin.
Dylan, we could probably do like a ASMR thing.
I don't want to put people to sleep.
Like three and a half hours of Dylan March talking to put you to bed.
And take three minutes.
And me with no energy.
Yeah.
And then we go to the.
What would you even talk about?
Like what do you like talking about?
Me?
I never really get the chance to talk, I guess.
Bees.
I'm not used to getting ahead.
You like talking about bees.
Bees.
I like bees and electricity.
Bees and the trap.
Bees.
I like talking about ants.
The movie ants.
The movie big.
Babe.
Just movies with like one word with three letters in it.
The Zoltar machine.
Michael Clark.
Dylan, it's you're trying to shine.
Go for it.
Talk all you want.
Dylan can shine whatever he wants.
Oh my god, he has a notebook.
So, what the term of race is not a popular thing to talk about.
Is there any RFK wine left?
I used to write poetry about Martin Luther King.
I was a kid and I was.
Michael Michael.
I was kind of MLK Junior.
Why?
Because I was just I learned about race and discrimination and I was really passionate about this is fucked up.
It's just based on what they.
It is really fucked up.
Yeah.
And then I realized that.
Racism.
Yeah, I agree.
Check out the next episode.
I'm going to talk about how racist bad makeup for the last episode.
Oh, that's your crowd work.
Say back your hands.
You think racism is bad?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to do that.
Tons of engagement.
Racism is bad.
Excellency point.
Is there any RFK blood?
I said bald racism.
Do you think RFK Junior eats ass?
No, it's bad for you.
He doesn't want to get pink eye.
It's probably pretty pretty good.
Do you have any more?
What about K wine?
No, I don't have any.
Where did you get this notebook?
Did you like steal it from a fucking fifth graders?
What?
Did you like beat a kid up for this?
For what?
For this?
Yeah.
I got a good will.
Okay.
I like to support probably black on business.
Business is.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm not responding to that.
Okay.
Oh, I want to do a roast against Moe Good.
And I'll say it more like Moe Goodwill.
More like Moe Bad.
No, just remember.
And then I'll point.
I'll make sure Moe, Moe, I bet is there.
The comedian.
I call him Moe Bad.
I'll say more like Moe Bad.
More worse.
I like that.
There needs to be someone named Moe worse.
There's Moe Burns.
Maurice is kind of close.
There was a, I think the clock in the movie Beauty and the Beast was named Maurice.
Why do you know that?
Because I have a weird long term memory and then a bad short term memory.
I do.
I think there's based on the child.
No, not a lot of people have that.
I'm special.
All right.
We're trying to listen to Dylan for once.
This is Dylan's episode.
Thank you.
I don't want to say it's my episode.
He's so shy.
You know, I won't say I'm shy.
I just get talked over and realize it's fruitile.
Fruitile.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Fruitile.
You finally have hair now.
So we care.
It's futile.
I know about fruitile.
As you are.
Okay, Junior would like that.
I'm going to add that to my list of words.
Fruitile.
I love that.
Gilbert.
I got Gilbert grape.
So yeah.
Okay.
Fruitile.
Yeah.
I don't want to talk about that.
Honestly, but like, no, no, no.
Tell me your joke.
Yeah.
Tell me your.
I got, I got, I got, I got, I'm a great victim.
Yeah.
We could talk about Max childhood trauma.
No, I'm talking about my adult trauma.
So what about laughter thought would be a cool way saying just if it holds is fucking all
these comics.
Maybe you say at the end of your said.
Before I end here, I got to click laughter thought.
What about this?
I want to do as a character just that, uh, I don't know what I am, but, uh, my nickname,
they call me sex.
I just straight up sex.
Why they call me.
That's my nickname.
And they're like, why?
Cause you have a lot of sex.
Like, no, because I just think about it a lot.
I love sex.
I just love it.
I'm not in any direction.
They call me sex.
My name is Dylan, but they call me sex.
I just bring up that I'm a male all the time.
But you got to have that wig on.
That should be, that should be your character.
You have that wig on your sex.
Yeah.
Why do I have to have the wig on?
Oh, you can be sex pistol.
Oh, why do I need the wig though?
Folks on audio.
I handed him a pistol.
So my 23 and me had, let's just say a lot of Neanderthal.
Yeah.
I really wanted my like nickname to be jelly bean.
And then I remember there's a comic named Jolly Bean.
Yeah.
So I can't talk about it.
Yeah.
I feel like a hoodie that is just straight up like Skittles.
You should get one full of coins.
Or no, wait, wait, like two coins.
Cause I only, yeah.
Yeah.
Just a white hoodie.
I mean, I literally could just tape coins to like a hoodie and be like, I
have no, that's too, too old.
Is it?
Like just one.
You need to, you know, you need to ride the line between alt and, and funny.
I'm not, I'm not saying go in a hack in any way.
Right.
For trial.
I'm like probably the best.
I'd be the best like comedy manager slash like, you know, like ghost writer,
tagger.
You'd be great for a reductress.
I don't know what that is.
That's like the woman onion.
Yeah.
No, I'm going to go with Babylon B.
No, but what is that?
It's like bees.
It's the woman onion.
Yeah.
What are they like?
What's an example?
I'm pretty sure I'm sure it's really funny.
Yeah.
The onion itself is very not funny.
What?
You don't like the onion?
No.
Why not?
It's not funny at all.
Babylon B is better.
Yeah.
Really?
Why?
It's just, it's just actually funny.
How is that funny?
I think it's just aligned with your thought process.
What?
Socialism?
Well, I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
Woman bankrupted by haircut.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
I was feeling a bit weird with that.
That's like my, sounds like an art article that my grandpa wrote.
Sedition.
What about?
Hey, air cuts are so expensive these days for women.
So bankrupt.
This woman's cubes grew back so fast.
They broke the sound barrier.
Oh my God.
These are really bad.
No, but it's about being a misogynist.
I think just like, the haircut one is like the same thing as the dad joke, like whole
foods, we're like whole paycheck.
That's like the same joke.
Yeah.
But I feel like every article, like every satirical article is kind of bad.
Well, now, because they're not, they're too scared to say anything that's like a little
bit edgy.
Oh, that's what you know, like this version of the onion is even more less.
I'll Babylon be now.
It's like Nancy Pelosi hospitalized with dangerously low blood alcohol level.
Maybe she should have.
Dangerously low alcohol level.
Yeah.
She's an alcoholic.
Okay.
McDonald's presents employee who caught shooter with coupon good for one free large drink
with purchase of food item.
It's not like, but I have, has anyone done this yet?
Do you guys know the person that found the CEO shooter?
Luigi?
Yeah, it was.
It was.
Donald Trump was the worker that found him.
No, it wasn't McDonald's.
Yeah.
That's a good joke.
McDonald's has gotten a lot of press recently.
I've been saying that I look like Grimace, more McDonald's and in the Louis G. I look
like every shooter except Luigi.
Yeah.
Yeah, what gives?
You guys know that the.
Yeah, I fucking yoddy.
You're eating my shirt.
He just.
Actually Donald's employee.
Yeah.
What about if I try to get a job?
It'd be like pursuit of sadness.
I'm doing.
I'm using that joke.
The McDonald's.
I'm going to use it someday.
I'm going to go to a.
I'm going to use it tonight.
I'm going to.
No, I'm going to force someone to make me know I'm going to Lincoln Lodge to give people
a hard time.
Yeah, you know, you know, they're like.
No, but I'm getting us trouble for equal eye outbreaks.
And then finally they posted on Instagram that it's all good.
Wow.
No more you call I outbreaks.
You know, it's weird.
You know, it's weird the day after Trump did the McDonald's thing that you go lie outbreak
happened weird.
What do you think about?
Yeah, this girl told me that guys want a guy wanted her to iron his dick.
I know that was a kink.
Oh, that's sexist.
That probably hurts, right?
Yeah, I mean, I think that that's what he wanted was the pain of getting his dick iron.
Wait, he wanted to get his dick iron.
I mean, but I think that's sexist to want her to iron it for.
Your own dick.
Michael Myers tried to have sex with a self checkout thing.
But his dick is a dick is flat enough.
He does it flat.
He's a very flat dick.
Yeah.
But it's all right.
He got iron.
How's your she called iron Mike.
That'd be a cool nickname.
Yeah, that's true.
I like that.
How do you Dylan?
I wanted to ask you a question because I know you've been kind of mourning your Lego wife.
Yeah.
How are you going along with that?
Well, I miss my sweet John Bonet.
She was so sweet to me.
Yeah.
We tried to have sex.
Well, but you're the Lego wife, right?
Not the child.
Yeah.
No.
We were Legos.
He was he was in a if you need context, he was.
Yeah, he took a DMT.
He did DMT.
He was out for five minutes and I guess he lived 20 years as a Lego.
Legos can't have sex.
Where did you do DMT again?
John Hickins house.
Was it a safe space?
Actually, it was actually not there.
Let's say not there actually.
There's not there.
There's not there either.
Because Mac was there and John Hickock was at his.
He was somewhere else.
Yeah.
Some random place.
Okay.
Yeah, just we were.
It was here.
Well, we called my room when we did DMT.
We called John Hickock's house.
You did DMT too?
Well, no, I watched him go through 20 years of Lego life.
Oh my God.
DMT's drugs.
I've done it before.
Oh, you have?
Yeah.
How was your experience?
I was really drunk this.
I just saw a bunch of lasers.
Okay.
That's lame.
It was like major laser.
No, no, no true love.
No Lego way.
You know, I think it's coming up in the future.
You know, Tim back.
What?
Bass nectar.
What's that?
You know, bees.
Bass nectar.
The.
EDM.
Oh, the EDM artists.
Oh yeah.
Oh.
Wow.
I'm straight I like fucking buried him in my brain.
I mean, some.
I wanna hear more.
I wanna hear more of that.
So go.
Here.
I think.
I don't think.
I think.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. What do you mean? Like chemtrails? Not nitrous oxide. Like casually.
Oh, I love whippets. I've never done whippets before for some reason. I have when it's so
accessible. I have not I mean. Yeah, I think it's like a 30 second high. Also, it's like
the opposite of helium. So you can write to you take it. You could talk in a super deep.
Have you ever done the choking game? You could choke each other out, you and your bros and
then your pasta. Who knows? I heard about people dying from it. Yeah, it's like why do people
choke each other out? Because you get high from the blood not rushing your head. They
call me sex. I feel uncomfortable. Okay. But why do people why do people choke each other?
Okay, I'll just never heard of choking. No, it was like a it was like a thing that like
parents in high school were like freaking out about like, oh, my kid died from the choking
game. Like shut up. Oh, just like don't worry, coach. We're playing the choking game, not
getting high. No, we're playing the joking game of the choking game. That's what I always
said. That's that's really fucked up. Wow. I kids just want to get high so bad. Dude,
I grew up during the times of like silly bands. And they banded that because they were like,
you guys are hitting each other was rubber bands or shaped like diner stores. You know,
I did one time. So we used to get a rubber band. You put it like a slingshot between
your two fingers. Yeah, shoot like a pencil. And I shot one. I was point blank right next
to my buddy. Because we like these tables of four. And so it was like he was like right
here where Dylan is and then I pulled it back and shot it stuck in his leg. Oh, what the
fuck is wrong with you fucking do and then we heard a lot of animals. Well, then we both
laughed. Oh, is he okay? Yeah. Do you guys still talk? You guys get coffee? No, who the
fuck it's coffee? You got caught. Well, no, do you guys like hang out? You guys like chit
chat? This was a long time ago. No, okay, he got you off. No, I mean, you caught him off
not because of that. I mean, we were two different high schools. This is in grade school. Okay,
what's his name? You want to shout him out? Shout out to Nick Cassati. Yeah, Nick Cassati.
I'm so sorry about the lead in your leg. Literally leg John led leg leg leg John Lidley. Yeah,
man. Yeah, please let us know who you vote for in the comments below if you're subscribed
or yeah, make sure to hit like and subscribe folks and join patreon.com slash bad comedy
for the good episodes. Influencers that I was want to hear. Let me hear what you guys think
about that. No, you're the influencer. You're supposed to change my mind. Yeah, don't you
don't care what I think. Yeah, yeah, don't don't comment because I'm right my opinion.
Yeah, I'm the one influencing you. I'm not gonna let you influence me in the comments
could be an influencer. Guys, please comment whatever you want. Comment like Trump 47 or
whatever, whatever you want. Shouldn't be or stop the season of friends or stop the
steel you can post because the election gets stolen from Kamala. When you play white and
what do they call it will steal? Oh, I don't know. What really what do they call it? I
was thinking of Tame Impala the song elephant. And it looks like an elephant taking his
yeah, I know that song like every car commercial ever. And it's also in Madden. Yeah. Okay,
folks, patreon.com slash bad comedy and hit like and subscribe because we actually need
your we need we're not influencers. We're influenced by you because we are listeners
or what make us who we are. Please for the love of God, please just comment something
like something like something gay, something gay, just something without like calm or politics
or no no opinion or killing people. Just something. Yeah, something unopinionated and and just
like you're the only not instrumental. You were the only one talking about canceling
people. I'm not canceling anyone. I'm not canceling anyone. Let's talk about cancel
your influencer that doesn't want to hear their opinions. Just they have to. All right,
just comment. Hello, hello. There's a place called vertigo. How about that? Yeah, actually,
comment your favorite writing utensil. Actually, if you get to the end of this episode and
if you're a patron and you comment, Hello, Hello, there's a place called vertigo. I'll
refund one month of Patreon back to you. Hey, oh, not only the first person though. Yeah,
your favorite type of category of comedy and we'll do it on the podcast next week or your
favorite. Try our best. Or category of category of corn. I don't really fucking play the
band. Oh, yeah. That's corn. That's basically corn. That was good. Yeah, thank you. I want
to go I went to go to a corn concert. I went to a concert. You went to one. Yeah, you went
to one or you want to go to one? I went to one. I want to go to one. Oh, it was okay.
I like was working. I was working at a venue that day. So they didn't allow me to watch
the full fucking thing. But I watched like that was part of the deal. It was like a slit
not to and shit. I've been like feeling like a freak. Yeah, and I bought a shirt and it
was like $40 and that shit felt like a polyester napkin. Yeah, and you work hard for that
thing. And you're just like, what? What did I get myself into these festivals? Yeah, I
was literally like sorting garbage. You're probably I was in sustainability. You're probably
like feeling like a freak on a leash. Right? Yeah. Yeah, no, I literally yeah, I had to
take my shirt off because I was like my work shirt. So I was just like walking around and
live broad. I was like, I'm at work right now. You're like work sucks. I know. I was
like, Michael Cooper the other day and it was like five minutes and he started talking
about how capital is inherently class like different classes. It is just interesting.
Did he say any good jokes or I just there's a weird there's a weird correlation might be
causation that most communists hate working. It's just kind of weird. No, but I feel it's
like the system failed them or whatever. No, it's just they didn't work. I went to Rocky
USA once with my friend George shot George and we got these t shirts. It said drunk bitch
one and George George George. George George. No, yeah. That's funny that you remembered
George. You do have a weird memory. We thought you mentioned him on the on our history podcast
episode and one of the George Kara George who is a Greek drunk teacher and he had a lot
of Irish coffee for a dude. Teachers are fucking not. Yeah, they're always having affairs
and shit. Joe Kilgallon drinks a lot of gallon Irish coffee. I think they get that power
and then all of a sudden they're like, what else do I want? And then they're like, I forgot
to do that and then they fight people. I want power. Yeah, I had a teacher who was like
skydiving with students and then he had an affair when he had like a three year old kid
with like his new wife. He was guy and diagram. He's guy diving. Yeah, you didn't invite me
to skydive. I was confused. Wow. Any chick. You didn't invite the chicks. Yeah, you only
invited dudes. Well, let's just chicks can't do like extreme sports really. He's like this.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you could hide it. But secretly that's what he wanted. No, a coin
shortage. Do you have any shows of Beauty Bar in the 21st? Yeah. Okay. Well, not me.
Grisbiller does if she invited me to be on the doing it. I'm doing an actual comedy set.
I'm helping your fucking plug. It's interesting. I was trying to make it natural to know it
didn't work out, but it's okay. Hey, are you going to be doing a standup set on the 21st
of Beauty Bar? Yes, I'm happy. I'm gonna be there on the 21st of Beauty Bar. Is it like
8pm? Yeah, no, it's it's at like seven. Yeah, I mean, that's what I meant. Seven. Yeah. So
guys go to that. It's gonna be a really good show. No, it's gonna be so fucking funny.
And you're gonna laugh your ass off. You're gonna like not regret spending $5. They have
really good cucumber. I mean, $5. That's a steal skinny drinks. Yeah, it's I mean, with
inflation, that's pretty much free. Yeah, I'm gonna not talk about politics. So I'm gonna
talk about ducks and I'm gonna talk about like get things in life, like all the things
that you'd like. And then I could bring a fake gun if you're chill with that. But like,
let me know your trigger warnings in the comments below because I might because it's a gun.
And I know I'm afraid of guns and I love gun. You know, I was born in Chicago, like they're
shootings for me left and right, you know, so it's like I'm just like this and ties to
it. But I understand if you like, if you're like, Oh, God, God, like a gun, it's America,
but whatever. Fuck you. I guess it's always been a Swalons. I didn't say that. But yeah,
come to Beauty Bar from the Beauty Bar. I'm gonna be losing my, I guess, mile high virginity
in a hot air balloon soon. Yeah. I don't know when or really? Yeah. What kind? What kind
of like hot air balloon? You know, it's gonna be, it's gonna look like a big condom. You
don't know what day it looks like. Okay, whatever. Go for it. Who are you gonna bang in the higher
balloon? It's I'm not going to be doing the banging. You're gonna get banged. Let's just
say. Okay. All right. Well, we'll see what happens. Hey, we'll figure out more details
later on that one. We'll talk about that behind the paywall later. Yeah, that's hot. And
dude, is there any way to follow you at Comedy Baddie? You follow me at Comedy Baddie. And
you can if you want to sponsor my utilities bill, I'm going into electricity. You'd mean
a lot to me. Yeah. Wait, really? Yeah, love electricity. Do you need money right now? Yes,
send me money. He loves Comed. I'm just as I want money. What about Comed Towns? It's
like Ed Towns. But he's like, but he's like, he's electric. Yeah, nice. I bet he would.
He might use that if you tell him. Yeah. What about like, instead of the People's Republic
of China, it's People's Gas Republic of China. Yeah, it's like gas energy is. That's the
gas utility provider in Chicago. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. I think that'll
be in China. Yeah, I think you got to say that. Easy bar at like 11. Folks, I'll be at
Zany's and Comedy Bar on Friday, Saturday. I'll be doing two shows at Zany's. It's going
to be I believe it's the 8pm and the 10pm. Right. So catch any of those. You'll probably
see me on the flyer. Just go online. Zany's.com, comedyword.com, laughadry.com. It's the one
in Rose Ma. No, it's not. It's actually. It's the one. Just go to one of them. I'll be there.
I'll tell you that much. I'm going to be performing at the Laugh Factory in Florida. Me and Jim
Flannel shirt are doing a set. We're both on stage. Both of our flannel shirts. He's
so funny. I'll be at the end. Always nice. Hollywood. He's nice to well, just well, he's
he's actually really racist and mean. What? Yeah. Really? Who said that? Well, we us Chicago
reader. Yeah, we need to kind of a deep dive on Jim Flanigan. Turns out he's major racist.
We should invite him to the pod. He's too offensive. He's too offensive for the bar.
Maybe he thinks it's not good for him. He is a fan. Okay. Okay. Now he he doesn't want
to come on the pod. For an assortment of reasons because well, he goes like he goes on like
daytime news. Sometimes people are saying they're afraid of God and Max scares me. Yeah, I've
only had like the only people that have actually turned me down. I like him and Chris Higgins,
who are like trying to like the run around. What run around? Well, yeah, no, I'd love
to do it. It's all high pitched and people know I just say I got figure out of time.
No, I don't fuck around. I've been given a lot of final warnings to emulate you have
been saying this is your final warning. Just just miss a ton about comment. Yeah, I love
giving people final warnings. You better vote. What does that mean? It just it's like a bluff.
It's just power movie. But you just say this is important. You got to read the art of the peel.
I feel like I can't say final warning. I feel like people would see through that.
No, you can say it. Well, you got to have you got to lead up to it with some power and then I
feel like this is your first warning. And then I'll never follow up. Yeah. Yeah. And that would
probably make me more of a target. No, but be funny. I heard that one guy puts his fucking name
whatever he was on Mr. Show. But he's not Bob Odin Kirk, the other guy. I should hear David
Cross. Yeah, he was like this is your first four verbal warning. That is funny. It's an empty threat.
First verbal warning. Okay, well, they doesn't even have a fake gun. Yeah. How's he gonna arrive
anybody? I'm gonna take their fake gun. Like you stole my gun. I don't know if she had in her car
that's his low. This is how long how long have you had that? Um, for like two years. Well,
I've had my I've had mine in my car for two years. I've had my ironic gun on the podcast for three years.
So well, she's owned longer. It's just been in your car for two years. Yeah. I don't believe that.
So do you ever really you don't think I own this since I was 20? Well, I had another gun
before that gun. It's not her fault that she has a car. It's not my fault. I'm funny. Other than you
what a younger age. Yeah, wrong. That time that you bombed and people had to cry and they were
hugging you in the other shirts got wet from your tears. Dude, yeah. No, that asked for that did
happen. And I had a flat tire that day too. Wow. I had a frat. I didn't cry. But I was like,
shit. Should I like kill myself? Or yeah, I got a frat tire. I got a Sigma Alpha Absalon tire.
Oh, okay. I have like a good pump. By school pump. Like an action. Yeah, it's like high tech,
like Elon Musk's pump. I have a breast pump that I got for Dale. Okay. All right, folks. Does it work?
Yeah. You know, sometimes I could work. Sorry. Yeah, you could cut the pot. You could cut the
pot. We'll try it out next time. Well, going shorter. Thanks for coming on. Slay.
Hey, sex. Thanks for coming on. Thank you. Mac. Thanks for coming on. Thank you,
Mac. Anytime. Anytime. I would come on anytime. All right. Thanks, Mac. All right, folks. My bad.
I will catch you in the sunshine.