Hey everybody, welcome to the bad comedy podcast. My name is Kirkland water. I'm here with a
Dylan Muller. If you've read the Muller report, now I haven't read the report. Oh, I forgot
my glasses. I can't see without my sunglasses. You know, grab you some. Everyone. This is
the bad comedy podcast. And if you're a first time listener, this is a podcast. I mean,
it's the number one podcast in Chicago. Listen to the whole thing. We also got a patreon
patreon.com slash bad comedy. But most importantly, what I love my chart. I'm really worried that
I love my I love my chart. Oh yeah, we're referencing this great Donald Trump bit. Oh,
Trump's just talking about it. He gets so excited. He's done that. He's talked about
his chart at many, many things. Yeah, it's like, but this was my favorite one. He says
that he snuggles it and he has sex with it. Yeah. And then the chart for people that don't
watch the news. I only watch Fox News snippets and random shorts now because we'll okay,
I'm actually breaking news. He actually watches the news. It's not a baby breaking news.
Willie Nelson endorsed Kamala. We say breaking news. We're talking about breaking Max Hart
break. Yeah. My achy breaky heart. Does he know he just lost a vote? He lost a vote.
I'm still a fan of his but I can't I can't give him my vote and I'm sorry. So before
I was voting Willie Nelson, but what does it call when you back someone and endorsing
I was endorsing Trump but voting Willie. Now that Willie is backing the the Cinco fans,
I would call them on the other side. I got to vote Trump. Yeah, so it's like I used to
think are we you know, Chicago's number one bipartisan podcast. Yeah. And I wish that
we could say that but I don't know. I think it's time that we put our endorsement out
there and but then I also saw Pat my home. What about I think we're the talisman talisman
podcast. Talisman. Like remember when Jackie Chan had to find the talisman? It was like
a cartoon. It was like Jackie Chan find the talisman. I didn't see that but I've been
thinking a lot about the tuxedo that dude a super tuxedo it would is cooler. Okay. I
mean that's a great that's like clockstoppers kind of yeah it's like these are classics
I feel like I've probably watched 100 movies growing up and the tuxedo was definitely one
of them and then the only one I thought that like when I when I became a cool rich guy
with a condo that I was going to be able to buy one of those tuxedos doesn't exist. Clock
stoppers watch I guess I found out doesn't exist but I found out on snopes. I'm so much
like nops. Yeah because you can I believe that you can reverse it this is all I don't
know we don't want to give away the whole yeah actually sorry we have a feeder podcast
to this podcast but just check out the wrong side of history pod on YouTube. We have a
whole episode about time and we talk a lot about clock stoppers. A clock. Yeah. We did
it's a clockwork it was like clockwork and bars after bars you know so hit subscribe
on that channel. Sorry for all these plugs. I'll plug my mouth shut when it comes to those
nice I feel like yeah so you can check that out as a feeder back to this yeah feeder feeder
pumpkin eater you know what I see when I see when I see the Democrats setting up all the
voting stuff I see I say cheater cheater pumpkin eater yeah and it's like I don't know sometimes
you you think that are we mature at this point do we have to do this name calling yes you
don't lie or lie or pants on fire well I mean they say that Trump's threat to democracy
is all Trump talks about is his chart you know and why is he a ghoul and we're not
talking about astrology here this isn't yeah this is a podcast we're political fund it's
yeah we like to have fun here but we like to stay based in reality we're based fake
news it used to be kind of funny to think oh yeah good one Trump and then you realize
that all the news is fake yeah I know Rachel Mancow fucking I can only listen to I listen
to one podcast that's like that's left leaning it's got it's got the mooch Anthony square
mooch who hates Trump the mood and then this like moderate woman who has a British accent
that's and it's a decent podcast to get the other side because I get mooch who hates
it's Trump could he I mean the only reason he hates him is because Trump fired him in
like a day this is the thing yeah and it's like this that's like reality TV like that
is like the apprentice but I just like I like that Tim Dillon take is almost just like this
is going to be the most entertaining downfall it's going to be so funny yeah that it's like
sometimes I appreciate people even if they're just like trash people playing poker sometimes
I'm surrounded by just scumbags and lowlifes and bad influences one lady was trying to
get me to smoke my first cigarette the other day really yeah it was just like like how
bad of an influence can you there's a song about that it goes smoke smoke smoke that
cigarette from like the 50s puff puff puff until you smoke your time to death oh man
blast from the past that song is from that was in the was in the movie thank you for
smoking oh thank you thank you for smoking thank you thank you they kind of are mean
you have to thank you that thing I think mine's thank you yours is definitely mine's thank
you so it's the reverse my used to be in college it was thank you and people would be like
we're they're going to remember that thank you right thumbs you working you have to have
a special thank you because then people will remember that you are a thoughtful and person
that gives thanks like you need to give thanks when people help you out you know that that's
that's what it's all about and I sometimes will say like you're so welcome or I'll say
of course I say anytime oh yeah or of course of course is good anytime is good yeah unless
they but once they start if they take you up on any time yeah no it's you're sending
a yeah well at that point it's like well I've I've given you a you know I held I kind of
helped you out here a lot and pissed off at the casino sometimes because these some of
these scumbags they lose all their money and then they just want like you know like 10
$20 okay good and it's just like you know what I can't do that yeah it's gonna happen again
and I'm not a piggy bank I think people should I think people should go to should do slot
machines for their careers yeah I think that that's just a good you know it's almost like
the lottery except I love a machine I love electricity there are a couple machines that
I have my yeah that new fan I installed maybe you can help me out with getting that fan going
yeah I mean I do have a book from 30 years ago as for it's for kids does it say how to
for boys install a modern like a fan yeah no I'm pretty sure it's just a kind of a grooming
kind of an avenue for grooming you probably it probably shows Ben Frank in it event our
boy Ben Ben Franklin a little Ben they called them back in the day the two I think the two
most prevalent people in America are Ben Frank and and William to come to Sherman because
he was in every war and probably an Iraq right now it's just like some people were born for
war it's like Alexander the Great I think he's great and there I actually think he's great
it's kind of a good kind of a very good characterizations characterization of him I'd say but going back
to everyone should do slot machines for their career and then you're rich you're rich you
know it's pretty simple you put money in my gun oops thank God we know so we did a is
loaded you know what do we call it a testing it beforehand what does it call there's an
official name and show business is called a fact check we fact check the gun we fact
check the gun fake news yeah unlike a Alec Baldwin yeah that tore us apart at one point
it was just like come on guys we're better than this the situation there is a gun I just
like summarizing it like that well guns are there's a state thing right and it's just
why do why do you democous want to make everything a national thing I don't know all that's gonna
do is all the Indiana all that's gonna do is divide people do you want to United States
yeah divided states exactly bring back Roe v Wade is just making it national why don't
how about Roe and Wade get along yeah Brian Roe and Dwayne Wade why is that I think it's
one of Dwayne Wade is famous and he probably I mean if you were to Brian Roe show you probably
walk and then Brian Crowe is just sort of a weird he might be my pack him over the top
of the bleachers you might pack him but I could see how that's yeah Roe v Wade I get
it but a lot of people think that that Republicans want a total ban on abortion and that now they
just want to give it to the states and there's more women in the US than men right so that
means that the state is gonna vote and that means that most of the women there don't want
abortions in that state so it's a really good time because they see it as murder right
but then they're trusting the states that also of course see it as murder like give
it give the power to the states because the states are all gonna individually make the
right decision I mean in most things I think you should give it to the states but it's
a you know the male voice has never been more important than it is today because we're the
minority now yeah we're the male we're minority we're the male and ballot well I mean that's
why we had a discussion about this but I think that we need to become the majority again
by everyone because trans women become men all men become women that way men have the
majority so we'll transition to women that's why I was the slick business deals where someone
gets 51% yeah and then they control it's like yeah I can't believe you can't the controlling
stake yeah can 51 is just a random number generator they should have a stake that you
call the controlling stake no the stakes stakes never do restaurant idea could they controlling
controlling stake one time someone was just you know I feel like they must have just not
respected me which makes sense but it was like they thought that my way wait wait wait
why does it make sense all I just because of the way that they pitched this business idea
to me they were just saying it'll be blazing patterns sorry there'd be a ping pong I just
want to give you ptfd it wasn't like funny but no I know guys for for context one time
some asshole played a cricket sounds a guy called by cricket a Dylan joke and Dylan
it was the only he crushes and he didn't go last on one joke maybe and the guy played
crickets no I just I don't know I'm gonna review the tape on that we're gonna bring
I'm gonna bring it back and yeah we're gonna hear the cricket noise in the audio because
I don't remember where it was it was early in my set but there was no other sound effects
used throughout the whole show mm-hmm it was an unpaid show like really far yeah I still
have I still have my record of never doing bad on a paid show I ever bombing on a paid
show but my last PD show I didn't like stand up in the longest time I opened the just the
saying I was the observational humor you know so I said Russell Crowe he used to be fat
he didn't use to be fat now he's fat this is just like you know some people just see
the world differently yeah I was like I mean I observed that in movies and well they people
thought it was funny you know I was like I thought he just became fat like Christian
Bale did to play dig Cheney or Mike Myers his transformation to be fat bastard the things
he would the weight swings that he had to do he was like well speaking of Mike Myers
the famous one Michael Myers Chicago comedian he his body rapidly aged he's so he's in his
late 30s I think maybe mid 30s and he looks 70 years old yeah so he it's like is he on
some kind of rapid growth hormone that you know when berserk and maybe I mean maybe it's
an aging serum but it's the opposite you know yeah it's like it's it's proof that white
does crack yeah definitely does crack but what was the what do they say is a he's maybe
he's a method comic maybe method I mean maybe he wanted to look old to match his voice and
he talks like an old man he wants to tap into that old market which is smart because he's
gonna get there it's kind of like a tapestry tap tap it's happening yeah it's like what's
what yeah yeah tap tap this tree what's on tap yeah what's what's on tap for the day folks
we got tab so we'll talk about my the chart let's talk about okay so the chart is referencing
Donald Trump in a current has had to look at a chart it's his immigration chart that
he references at every rally but normally he does it at the end this time he decided
to do more towards the beginning which is just clutch is fuck this I mean this is this
is God dude he turns his head to look at the chart dodges a bullet his guy dodges a bullet
yeah which how did it sound he just oh yeah he said he said I turned to look at the chart
and huh being being yeah which is like being he got bought out by Google yeah that would
have been good for the being was bad yeah but now Google's getting sued by a bunch of
companies or it's a monopoly so people are like we love the game monopoly you're ruining
the sanctity we got to make sure there's more companies love that the game and not Elon's
Elon's making his own Google good you like then I saw Gary V was saying people they're
not even gonna have a concept of a search engine because you'll just always ask a chat
GPT type thing and I think well I'm testing out Google has a it's called Google Genesis
maybe or Google one and it's their AI thing and I haven't really messed around with it
yet but you can get a free month so I got my free month and I set my calendar to cancel
it you know what AI makes me think gay guy no it stresses me out so I think yeah yeah
like that yeah so is there any way I can get my hands on the sound effect no we kind of
do it but oh god oh dude this come on let me get my okay you can get the gun actually
I want to do some like found a gun I want to do some like cool nice lights like the orange
is kind of a it's a it's a vibe though well that we do the orange one the light what the
heck I found a gun last night Mac is this real well it was a fake gun but I found a real
fake gun is a Zerg gun Zerg is Buzz Lightyear's nemesis a Serb gun is Zerg is the name of his
rival I think kind of his James Nijjar I think you might be so are you sure you didn't read
the gun wrong are you sure it wasn't a Serbian gun and because it is this piece Serbia has
weapons to fight Bosnia unless they're using toy story guns they probably are to be honest
that's Eastern Europe that's like when these broke ass countries get the wrong team Super
Bowl winning gear yeah that's always that only goes to Africa or actually to Cuba I
remember when I was in Cuba I did go to Cuba folks you have any questions about Cuba put
them in the comments I'll respond to them it was very interesting because I was able
to go there in between the times where you weren't able to go me and my dad slid in there
and we saw this I mean outside the capital of Havana super nice and outside of it it's
all dead dogs and this is not hyperbole high-supprised 20 dead dogs if I had a chart of dead dogs
I would love that chart and there's all these crumbled down buildings and yet communism doesn't
work guys but I was a me was like this is a chart of dogs who got to go to a big farm
and they got to play and run around and yeah they're still live and they're just well we
gave them away yeah well now down there they're sending him said a big farm to say a big farm
probably yeah yeah he attested by Fauci and put their face put in Belcher bees oh ouchy
I feel like ouchy is what they should call him because he tortures he's torturing the
dogs yeah he kind of killed a lot of people yeah he should probably be a prisoner yeah
he should probably be put to they put that guy to death who was like everyone's like
hey this we fucked up this guy's innocent you see that they there's some black guy of
course yeah but then well but I do want to say I do want to say well how long goes this
like a week ago maybe but it was just like the prosecutor that prosecutor was like yeah
let's not execute him and then this like I don't know Supreme Court of that state was
like now we're just gonna proceed what was the charge I think it was maybe it was it
was something political no oh really he was some guy I think okay but he was he was definitely
guilty the murder no no no okay everyone was saying like no we shouldn't actually this
is the state supreme court yeah and then this I think the state supreme court was like we're
gonna just actually just kill on Texas I don't remember I probably I just Texas loves killing
people you see they kill they kill they kill retarded people this happens like once a year
it's like there's one person that's like everyone's like let's not kill him and they try to do
the social media thing well I well I would want to look into how guilty he was exactly
you'd want to look into well I want to look into it because he could have been like super
guilty well you can fact check it well but then I'd have to go to snopes and then get
the opposite answer so what if snopes says he didn't or he did it he did it what if snopes
says he did it which you know you well I would not say I would not ask that question I'd
say snopes how guilty was he and then I don't know peruse you know would you know his name
no just like just execution and it's just like they executed the execution they definitely
nailed it was he like anything in politics or no okay no and that's like I saw you know
it's like his last thing you get to do a last statement yeah there's no way that they his
last statement was just like I don't know something like God bless everybody but it was like the
like all I think I was just like man people that's fucking stoic he stoicism videos ain't
god shit on that guy he's chilling he's dead but he was that's how stoic he was he was like
they're about to kill me and I'm innocent and he's still chill and I think about the little
things I freak out about wait wait I think this goes white okay so we're gonna have to
no no okay no he's black but he killed her mind he'll three people three I think so hold on I
feel like if it's you know strengthen numbers it's more likely if there's three let me just
tell you ever someone say hey you know I like joke writing you know it's like the rule of three
okay I just think shat a man convicted of killing three people and back to back work
play workplace shootings I think they're they're they're trying to why did they want to stop it though
well people that are the prosecutor want to stop because probably his constituents are against
the death penalty no he Miller was convicted of killing three men blah blah blah in 1999 and
and wonder where the man in the state had previously attempted to execute him a lethal
injection I didn't do anything in here Miller said in his final words they're at times muffled
look up why they wanted to stop it yeah that's the smoking gun and sometimes it is actually
a smoking gun it's like oh yeah I just shot that and they're Dylan I was thinking about rebranding
as a shooter comic I mean this has been on he's been on death row since 1999 but you know you
know you know that also so he was already he was already sentenced to that and they were
thinking like the Supreme Court but they were appealing it but the both sides were appealing
it you got peel the layers on this yeah I'm feeling it I feel I this is the problem you
needed the you needed yeah yeah yeah I need to be the supreme you need to be judge yeah
yeah I'll judge this but talk in the meantime about maybe something else well I've been
getting some legal trouble lately I'm supposed to not be talking about it but there's a gag
order I've been trying to gag on things I'm so they put me in a straight jacket I gave
my white my wife she got a gag order yeah I'm a dick no but you know I ordered a gag
on my ween every wife every once in a while she every once in a while she does something
for me otherwise she's always just nagging me but at the end of the day you know she
she does a gag order no that's what my ex-wife is she can do she's a real hag I'm not even
gonna talk about my ex-wife she does two things she can nagging she can get yeah and she's
all out of gagging yeah so I mean I did to be honest I love my wife but when I married
my wife I didn't think I'd have to marry a whole family of terrible in-laws oh my gosh
every time I gotta go I gotta go to a thing let's let's say it's a we have to every other
year we have to go there for Thanksgiving my favorite year was 2020 because we had an
excuse not to go we're like oh we want to COVID yeah but yeah and you get there for
Thanksgiving and you're like this is how I spend my holiday thank you yeah and they're
all yelling at me for no reason this is I'm saying that that Nancy Pelosi's instead of
trading and then they're saying Dylan you're drunk and they're like yeah and they're like
Mac she's not inside her trading why do you always have to make it political she's like
Mac you're not she's not inside her trading at all her husband is just really smart and
knows the exact times to buy and sell right before a political thing happens it's called
you know it's a rain man it's a profit it's like this stuff happens it's psychic her husband
sold visa two days before the TOJ sued visa I don't know it's just that's the most obvious
insider training of all time yeah it's cool it's like you know sometimes my my in-laws
that they seem more like outlaws to me because they're always just telling Dylan stop making
it a you know we don't have to get political I have like my ex-wife you should meet her
moms in law mmm got you hold on sorry I wasn't listening much but I finished my judgment
so he he pled not guilty by reason of insanity but later withdrew that plea and he's convicted
after 20 minutes of deliberation and but tended to receive the death penalty at the beginning
then they were appealing it because he was oh wait hold on he did it because oh my God
all I care about is why the other side but he was paranoid that his coworkers were gossiping
about him he killed them but hold on so so so the re so in 2022 the state called off previous
attempts after being unable to connect IV line to the 351 pound in matey's too fat for the
IV initially go to zoo challenge of nitrogen gas protocol but dropped his lawsuit so it
was because it was it was for not because he was I just I think you're doing he's guilty
I mean he was clearly guilty 100% and he said he was guilty so thank God Mac is not what
do you mean court because I just think you you're not bringing up the the why the prosecutor
wanted to stop it and that Ham said this why does it change protocol Miller among other
things had requested to be given a sedative him to find this is a relevant it's not even
no it's because he was too fat to to to get the you think that the other side was saying
don't kill him he's too fat what do you say I'm saying why did they not want him to get
executed anymore because the only way to do it is their lethal injection is too fat no
that's they wouldn't say yeah don't kill him then I guess he's he gets to live sorry keep
keep you talking because I'm I'm looking at it one that's that talks about some X Y's moms
in laws were a real piece of work I guess you could say I like to think of my old lady
I got my ma she's my old lady I got my my X old lady I got my my in laws in laws and
they were all driving me crazy I love my wife when she's in another room I love my wife
when she's lend me watch the game I love my wife when she she gives me instead of a piece
of her mind some peace of mind and here at amica insurance we're here to do enduring
relationships and peace of mind I tell these customers I'm gonna give them a piece of my
mind and they say are you high customers always right and they call back because they were
upset they didn't want to talk to me my voice I guess sounded different the second time I
pick up the the next call and they say God that guy was just talking to such an imbecile
okay no it's it so now I have to try to disguise my voice the whole time and I have to think
of different ways to say this stuff is scripted and just like I'm trying to be president I'm
trying to be in the moment I try to be present when I'm trying to ride an escalator I gotta
be locked in in the moment these things for the white man it's a real it's a test can
you be smooth are you gonna fuck this up luckily you fuck up a handshake with a black guy he
knows oh yeah sometimes especially the gd handshake or the bd handshake they know which
is a high stakes they both start the same too for the two folk nation handshakes if you
fuck up an escalator you know you know but it's like a tree falling in the woods or whatever
if a tree falls on a pope who's gonna shit in the woods my maternal side of my family's
trees I don't know if you know that but my family tree is actually trees and your son
their dad is one of those right well no they say I'm a son of a gun my dad is a gun probably
an older type of gun I assume that's a that's a Glock 19 gen 5 I think he was I mean basically
yeah I mean I'm as the Supreme Court basically he tried to get a lot of media attention behind
it to not get executed and did a bunch of appeals but in the end so basically the prosecutor
was like all right whatever just no you're not you're just making something up I mean
that's what I was reading it's like the it like the NWACP got into it and then the and
then basically the state was like we're we're we'll basically you're stressing me out because
this is how a man got murdered is this the this malpractice this careless you know okay
I see I see okay it's intellectually disabled that's why guilty saying it's because he's
retarded yeah but I don't need more he's dead as a dad is a dog he died like a dog I
just I'm a and it wasn't because he was black I mean the Supreme Court steps in they vacate
like that sentence is to but I don't know he killed three people it's kind it's like well
he did write a book if I if I cute did it if I killed those three people this is how
I would have done okay yeah which smoking God yeah I like how he probably thought that
that if he titled it that that he would he'd be good if I had to kill three people so well
that's an act with him with the men and his brothers like he's like we're gonna write
a book in the future and one of the men and his brothers was talking to a girl I was gonna
help him write this book but she was recording all the calls and he's like telling her the
full real truth and this one court stuff was still going on and then she released the
book with all this shit these book deals and it's just yeah it's like just wait until it's
done and then write your book and get your money like wait at the bad yeah you gotta
be out you gotta get out of jail first don't spill the beans North Korea expands expands
list of crimes punishable by death interesting if I had to fuck Mary kill three people how
about my ex-wife and her in-laws oh yeah well wait what would you do who I would probably
marry my ex-wife wait no no Sherry's gonna be mad about that I would fuck I would fuck
my mother-in-law like a war like a war and I'd I'd fuck kill the five fuck my chart I
would fuck her dad guys the chart saved the the the president's life it's just I don't
know dodging a bullet it's like the this is the matrix is and your tape will say sometimes
he also says the n word a lot on his ex account mm-hmm hey guys my ex-wife hey guys think
about how many people have been shot and then like they have PTSD if the rest of their life
and like they're they're kind of like they just go become like I don't know like an addict
or an alcoholic or it just like kind of like ruins their whole life he just stood up and
said fight and then the whole media was like oh he's saying fight like de january 6 yeah
it's just well you know if you get shot you get to talk shit you're just saying fight for
like democracy later fight is there just like adversity is this fight I think you're saying
fight fight racism to be honest fight the issues I mean the racist ones are the only people
bringing up race now is the other side mm-hmm and the other side I mean the democrats I'm
not it's rough and you know some people are you know they got dirty minds they might need
they might need a brainwash I just I just subscribe to Fox News to get North Korea's
new list of death penalties I didn't know that I would end up you know a lot of people are
going to be disappointed in me because I just feel like you know we have kind of we got
to this point for a reason well I mean it's like I'm I'm just I'm a real independent I've
I've been a democrat I've been a libertarian I I vote for whatever I think is like right
at and make sense what's the other problem I don't even know if I will vote because I
don't know everyone tries to hurt my belief in myself to change the outcome well what
I want is what I will say don't even try buddy no what I want what if it's one vote I know
I just want the in this district just to see them there's a little bit Trump you know but
the hive mind that we have with if there are enough of us with the same hive mind if we
can reach their hive mind I mean there's gonna be a lot we will flip this state there's gonna
be a lot more black voters in Chicago and in New York Trump needs that is wayland black
men these I mean if they allow these Venezuelans and and the what was it the Haitians to vote
then I mean that's just fraud they literally boss they bust them in yeah and it's and they
give them welfare that we can't afford we're 13% of our GDP we pay in is there is interest
we've been telling you know just we spend more money on our interest than we pay on our
whole military spending and see this is why once again one of the goats Tim Dylan will
emphasize don't worry about all this shit just you know get get a corn dog just check
out of this stuff because the last 24 hours all the different issues we've talked about
you know just off you know behind the scenes this is yeah yeah camera yeah we have some
off camera like we have debates kind of formal debates I was like will you stand in my in
well we get over and now we're in the New York studio so outside of here we have it's
kind of a different studio there's two podiums it's really a debate stage we call them the
twin towers and then we hire to like new open microsoft stupid if we don't pay it we tell
them to the internship and then the moderators the debate and they're usually homeless I
usually I usually throw some money on the side defect check Dylan I just slipped my couple
bucks and it's a good investment yeah so I I went a lot of them but mostly just because
I slipped the internship the interns of money so if I had just a if I could see a chart just
a list of all the that guy getting executed you say rightfully but then it's like it's
all to opinion 15,000 murderers added to our country we kill one guy who's maybe a triple
no I think which isn't even you know if he's innocent that's not still it's not good yeah
yeah well you don't know he did it then and then no no they know he did it but it was
the the it I think yeah yeah no they know he did it it was about his mental competence
yeah I mean our president is you know I mean if you if you if you shot and killed three
people then if then they probably say that and the stream core would probably execute
you well I would plead and said and I'd plead for them to kill you it's so fun to do this
voice I can't believe I spent years yeah and you're the best at it too if besides Trump
yeah so if you had life without parole or or I was just watching that that show or whatever
try to scare kids out of you know what I'm talking about he's I have you tried parole
there ain't no parole that could chill out man we're gonna irp you when you get in here
we're gonna go for a great view you won't need glasses your eyes will be closed the whole
time it's like we shouldn't tell a kid that yeah no I should just say you're gonna need
them glasses cuz when I'm just in your face you don't want to get in your eyes yeah no
it's a good point honestly I don't mean to do it in a certain voice with it that's that's
actually a white guy talking like it's a it's a it's a huigar well your culture around
the world is off on you and that kid would be in the live in prison yeah he's lucky he's
on TV they should throw a couple of those kids in there in the showers I feel like if
everything they walk out of the showers we're like we'll be like they'll interview them
and be like how is that and they're like I never want to go to jail that's what you
have to do is actually have them experience it oh yeah I'm just seven or thirteen year
old in the shower well they get guilt or grapes you know and you'll but the problem is that
sometimes they end up suppressing that and then it comes out 20 years later on some kind
of main he's just I was just a kid I mean what the heck yeah that's what I would be saying
if that happens I would be so you know I'm sad about Senate and and Congress
is closed until election because of it and I love watching actually I'm sure there's
a lot of highlights that I haven't watched yet you've been yeah I'm worried my OD on
C-SPAN well now it's just a I just watched clips from the things which is a problem with
our country some of them depending on what the issue is I watched the whole thing but
every single Democrat just references projects 2025 and all their answers I'm like he doesn't
he's not he doesn't he doesn't know what that is I need to do kind of actually a mock you
know Trump does a mock debate or anything Kamala does too but I need to do a mock like
the questions I'm gonna ask Mr. Katz who's gonna be our guest I can ask the first question
but then later on you throw softballs that they kind of agree with them you like under
hand mm-hmm so like nice easy toss and then he'll he'll rip it but then you're gonna be
that diving catch that says no no you yeah you should be like no no yeah kind of like
how Kamala's moved a little moderate with her economic policy and then I'll be like let's
work on our and let's work is right because I grew up working is that's what people do
I wish I wish you were more studied in it so that you could be my part because then you
could do it in the Trump voice because yours is way better I would be yeah I don't know
everybody's excited Trump is the funniest person in the whole world and in history not
just not just so live when you watch this guy just type in Trump talks about chart you he's
done a million times but at this specific one I think it was in New York they packed out
in Long Island in New York like 60,000 seats and there are a lot more people that weren't
able to get in like and Kamala has the bus people in they're all on the short bus that's
a lot of buses I'll okay you know what it's like I'm sick of feeling guilty I feel like
I'm coming out right now because it's just we're you're ashamed and just taught to just
be ashamed of yourself if you even it's like why am I taught to like not like one person
just so overwhelmingly and it's like well people seem as a caricature of some evil
like Hitler which they would all the time like just they went back to talk to my family
about him they get this really angry leaf it's like it's like it's been it's like what
okay so Hitler killed at least six million maybe six billion yeah I've actually done
a study of dissertation on that and I think it's probably closer to six billion and then
what about Stalin was like Stalin 18 billion Stalin I look like the guy so yeah guys I'll
be making I made this really stunning picture where I that's art yeah I'm where I'm Stalin
I'm gonna make Dylan Hitler we'll see how good that one is I think that could be good
just says a bit but mm-hmm because if I can make it black and white then I can make it
I can make it good it's a lot tougher with the coloring but the problem is you don't
have enough pictures online I was like telling producer that Mike last night I was telling
her about how you I was thinking he probably spent like two hours on I don't I want to
know what the real time was because if it's actually in it if it's probably 30 minutes
on Stalin 15 on you I try to try to try to make yours good at first you're like it's
not this is too hard yeah with you got cut your losses sometimes I have a fucked up
head because normally what I'll do is I'll do I'll do a filter on that I'll save it
then I'll go back into the new photo and then put it on again and hopefully that'll blend
the two skin colors better but it didn't work so I'm the darker tone you're yeah you're
like a black man I'm late I'm so late like Darius the first of Persia
Darius sorry it's not the history of Darius the first of wait hold on North Korea's new
laws about what you put to death for I mean they are United States they are called the
Democratic People's Republic of Korea so I mean they gotta be Democrat I mean he got
a he got a hundred he got a hundred percent of the so these are all democracy these are
all facts from North Korea itself he had a perfect golf game okay you get a hole in
one in every hole this is the propaganda this is from Korea I mean it's it's it's from
fact from Korea he got a hundred percent of vote their vote he's so slating every he doesn't
even he doesn't poop this is not a bit at all this is real I mean the president there
says about or the dictator supreme has them put out I got a perfect I don't poop that's
not a flex yeah well I think I think that's why he got so fat this because he doesn't
poop yeah it's a what do you and Dale he's basically saying one time Dale told me I don't
eat that much and I said you've eaten at least 400 pounds of food in your life this is the
thing about Matt you know super super obesity or just no any obesity he did eat that much
at one point but now he just maintains yeah I mean you have to because he's pooped a lot
of it out but I was saying even if you hold on even if even if he didn't poop he's still
eating 400 pounds yeah but it's just like it's a it's like if you get in debt you know you
borrowed weight way more than you could make back so now you're living with that debt but
you're not taking out more debt you're just maintaining your past mistake I'm a you're
you're a lot for a while.
Baring debt to your food yeah yeah because it's the calorie deficit.
The bud the caloric budget.
Thomas Massie would hate that.
Oh my gosh Thomas Massie because he loves he loves the budget.
He would be like that that sales guy who's just like he has so many videos where he's
telling the people he's training on set take your shirt off take off your shirt and he's
like if you don't have a six pack you're not working for my company and a lot of people
are hating on it like this guy is like crazy blah blah and I have a friend from high school
who's like a sales guy like that he sells sales like conferences.
That's the biggest sale that's so sick.
He lives in Miami he's the doucheiest guy but he's always he's always always in the
doucheiest guy this is like his life and this is the life he was made for.
That's so funny to shout out to Kenny Kenny got sober too he used to you know it's about
the resale it's he sells sales yeah he sells high sales high sales sales he sells sales
that's I mean you gotta say that but we sell like sales for like sale boats but dude you
gotta be a pretty good salesman to sell sales because if you sound like a bad salesman trying
to sell sales to people the bill salesman you're selling it to salesmen and sales while you're
selling it to struggling salesmen and sales women suckers yeah so they might not even
know if you're a good salesman or not if they just suck ass at it and you're okay at it
maybe it maybe I might work with Kenny but then I gotta get spray tan and some abs but
sometimes it can be a win-win if the person buying it is that big of a loser and it's
okay to you know sometimes if you're a loser and you realize it's a fix yes I mean some
people that are doing well in sales I still like that they've been doing pretty well but
they want to do better they'll go to those types of things yeah so you're saying like
you might have done that and that doesn't make you a loser I wouldn't ever go to a live
one of those if they had a free one like through my company then I would but or I just watch
videos no I mean just like watching some of these videos it's just like so sometimes these
people are I don't know they're doing so nuance you love nuance one of your favorite words
yeah I don't know what it means but I like it I mean yeah so maybe ask your your new
uncle who Tom my ex-wife's okay it's this we tried to kind of force this in here we
were riffing so goddamn good yesterday with off-camera sorry yeah most of the in-laws
and axes and yeah I don't know if you guys know but we've we've been married and I mean
not together obviously we love our why gay marriages wrong love love our our active marriages
and I'm just kidding gay marriages not wrong if you want to get who fuck get any of us
get divorced yeah go ahead and get married good luck have fun in the divorce proceedings
I've dealt with that if you want to deal with that by all means get married how about this
gay marriage should be legal gay divorce illegal because if now how about this how about this
be men how about this normal marriage illegal gay marriage legal and and divorce legal and
then they'll see how it feels and you're not allowed to have sex because of the Bible yeah
well yeah they can because we're cool with that I think it feels better because it's
wrong yeah yeah you LG's yeah and then sometimes the wrong thing sometimes the wrong thing is
is the right thing you got to do wrong sometimes to do right well what's your buzz of man can
you come back in we got like five more minutes hey guys we're letting in our guest it's gonna
be a fun one so North Korea has a new list of penalties that will get you put to death
and it's for reactionary and counter-revolutionary associations so other reactionary behavior
that warrants death includes wearing outside fashion such as white wedding dresses blue
jeans or sunglasses yo Dylan you get put to death in North Korea if you wear sunglasses
or blue jeans you they would wreck you and my slim straight jeans would be I'd be gone
in sunglasses to straight to death there's no way that they would they would let us you
know use this podcast there we should do a poll how or unlikeable we looked just on stage
with sunglasses on indoors what so so so like keep just keep holding it down kind of until
it you might have to there you go earlier this month North Korea promised to refine its
weapons and development and strengthen its nuclear capabilities no one cares North Korea
is not on shit North Korea is like a I love my chart Dylan we're so we're so alive by
the way we're so live Dylan hey we'll be right back Dan can you give us five more minutes
to finish this episode thanks just you can we can watch whatever you want in there you
can beat off in there all right so yeah so North Korea big daddy dance huge penis election
huge dick loves his love this cock so that's a preview of who we got coming up next week
folks so oh so they actually the people's assembly of North Korea they have amendments
in a constitution I'm sure they really use that I'm sure it's not a direct dictatorship
this is that it's just a very thin line for you think my jeans are slim I mean dude they
would if you wore jeans mm-hmm they would you'd be put to death is that real yes that's that's
what I'm reading right now they expand the sound because well because blue jeans sunglasses
that type of fashion is like associated with Western culture and South Korea which has adopted
Western culture and there's some aspects that that I like where it's just like I like we're
teen I like Western culture cowboy hats cowboy hats I'm talking about when Tina does we know
I'm talking about the these these hot no these hot little hot little hot girls their jeans
painted on on dirt road man they should make a song about that like driving on dirt road
or like hot girls are drinking a beer yeah I mean I just feel like there's a reason that
this stuff is we keep talking about it North Korea as a reputation you know it gives us
some shit about this country are great we're gonna keep talking North Korea has like one
nuke like they're they have like no new I got called in little rocket man I like and
then we became friends almost like we were like I was a little bit scared of because
that Seth Rogen movie with making fun of them I was kind of like I don't know who knows what
he's gonna do now he's gonna snap but then isn't Trump friends with him too oh wait did
he go there yeah yeah he went there and they're cool and they became cool see this is insane
his diplomacy it's just being chill yeah yeah but hold on there's a very thin line yeah
a thin line in us a thin line is not the kind of line that I want when I'm doing my booger
sugar yeah and funded by your grandma funded but yeah only on New Year's though yeah my
grandma she I mean rest in peace yeah rest in power so my grandma give me $100 every
Christmas so nice for her because I wouldn't have to go to the ATM on New Year's to get
to get a bag of blow you know so it's like this is grandma's blow basically yeah so
every time I say every every New Year's cuz I still get the hundred dollars grandpa I
feel like I'm snorting my grandma it's his like Keith Richards I was like what about
Heath Bar Richards you know it'd be something like that it's something like that Heath yeah
and Heath Heath Bar obviously what about Heath Heath Barn nice about Heath Ledger but
it's like a general ledger and accounting I have a real question for you all right Red
Sea Dead Sea what's the difference yeah to me yeah they're dead as a dog they're one
of the same or maybe get different names because otherwise no one I don't know shit about what
shit is and where stuff is in the Middle East Asia you didn't learn that who cares I just
I think of it as when those paintings where they just throw paint at the wall those make
me wanna off my yeah my fucking yeah that is the the worst the worst thing about about
like modern culture is or postmodern culture is abstract like really abstract art yeah
well a lot of it is just money laundering yeah they just they just say this is worth
like five million yeah I for a while I never thought about that actually I think you might
just be telling me about this now I might just be learning this but you a new thing
but it's basically just an investment you can just hold it there and this is worth this
also casinos you can money laundering to a certain amount now things were regulated
now and get rid of your dirty money dirty money go to the casino and put it all on red
but they question the Red Sea and the Dead Sea did Brian row walk the Dead Sea I think
he he walked the Red Sea was there the Red Sea was it the Red Sea yeah yeah didn't you
walk the Red Sea didn't God turn the Red Sea into blood I think it was or is it or is
that was it pretty sure is blood and it was like okay this is kind of weird well I know
that need to be that some people are the Dead Sea I don't know if you knew this but it has
such a high concentration of salt that like do you know about this you can basically like
you automatically like float in the water like it's like super salty water oh man because
like I think around it is like mountains with like sodium that come to sound but like yeah
like yeah like like you know it's kind of hard you go on the lake and you can't you
don't know it's automatically float you have a perfect kind of position unless you're like
that Dale but in the Dead Sea there's so much sodium that you just float my dad was so jacked
and dense that he would just sink to the bottom is he dead no he said you said Jack you just
swam back to the top does he look like does he look like RFK he looked like it like it's
like a jacked like Bruce Willis without the whatever disease he has now Bruce Willis I
was always a big fan of I also like a strong William Scott well girls I went to high school
with fancy my father and his all his tattoos and tan and bald head and oh I just thought
about something so that it's a Louis Vuitton hat however could also be vice lords vice
lords I was just a BL Lord Voldemort so it's Lord the singer combined with Voldemort and
so and beat me to it but just don't just don't run into any BD's or GD's there's a guy outside
of the casino that he might have said something about vice he she pulled up his shirt and it
was he showed me tattoos that was why he thought your shirt that was vice or maybe he asked
me if I was Puerto Rican okay at least he asked me and said Sam Talant misracing me
it is like that's funny actually in public I mean I mean I understand it because the
jewelry and stuff you wear yeah you present as Puerto Rican but I think it was just he
said good luck bro because it was just hanging out of course to hang out right outside the
casino and I've been given too many random people money and yeah but you're Puerto Rican
passing you know it's like it's kind of like how trans people like you like some of them
aren't passing some of them just have a long hair and a dress and like hey what's up I'm
trans you get mad when people like misrace you like they'll be like well a lot of people
think I'm black and does that it shouldn't anger you know it makes me happy I like that
more than when they call me the color of my skin because I make on the on the inside I'm
black my black soul I feel like I feel like I'm black and one problem is when people call
me the n word I I love it so I feel like okay well that means I'm not black yeah well I
have I collected a lot of n word cards over my tenure with Mike and I mean I'm so I still
have them so I was gonna save them for doing a set probably at like barred barred barred
10 doors yeah and then just just do like a Kramer set and bartender's folks is like mostly
all black people and I would do a Kramer set there but then I would present all my all
my passes and I'd be good and I could be like what's the deal with that after yeah it'd be
like a one-two punch it would be like in like a scaring week three with all of guns there's
all shoot me that was the worst scare I've ever ever had is there scaring week three
is good I did I do good with black bikes well a lady tried to take the mic from me so that
wasn't yeah that's not cool well folks there's a hurricane supposedly coming in here from
Florida it's right now it's crossing Chicago so we get bigger we have to go we'll catch
you in we're gonna have a very folks hatred patreon.com slash bad comedy you're not gonna
want to miss the next one it's gonna be to tell talk about the next time like it's your
chart like it's your chart talk about it like next episode like a chart and how can they
get guest episodes to you go to the patreon and you're gonna want to buy it folks yep
patreon.com so you buy it it's pretty easy my favorite website patreon.com there's so
many episodes as I was looking at it there's 350 episode I can't even listen to them any
yeah you gotta listen to so just listen back to all of them and folks we love you we'll
see you where do you think we'll see him hopefully at the voting booth yeah we'll see you at
the voting booth I'm gonna be peeking over as if it's a urinal or a stall yeah me and
me and Dylan we're watching yeah no we're gonna be whole watchers and we're gonna make
sure that all the black guys are able to vote for Donald Trump I want a woman to look at
me the way I look at her binoculars binoculars what what if you what if you were you were
stalking girl binoculars and she was doing the same thing oh my god and then he goes
locked out locked binoculars to be like that sniper saw another sniper and then it'd be
like kiss me that would be yeah it's like I wonder if she's staring at the same can't
be binoculars is me folks we have a guest waiting in the waiting room near near the debate stage
so we'll be we'll see you on we'll see you on if you're a patron on the right side we'll
only see you if you're a patron for the next episode patreon.com slash bad comedy it's four
bucks a month it's gonna be five bucks a month we'll re-announce that in October but you
can afford it only for new patrons everyone else's grandfather then like Michael Myers
but folks we'll see you at the in the Venezuelans take over the world.