Hey everybody welcome to this is so us podcast my name is Donald Trump and I'm so rich that I
Paid someone to shoot my ear to get my ear pierced and I'm here with I'm Tim to drill man Taylor. Oh
He's a drill rapper and a home improvement guy, I'm Donald Trump oops, I'm in Kamala Harris
I thought you were pooing. I mean
I
It's classic mix up
Or not you guys can't tell you talking about this this is politics. Yes, Elinsky
Maybe go to Poland and maybe change the wide you and I ever tender Polish
Right, so you don't get bombed
You know bomb on stage he's a comedian. Oh, yeah, that's crazy
What kind of comedy is Elinsky do I know he was a stand-up he was a comedic actor Oh actor and he played a
I guess he played a
Teacher who ended up becoming a politician. Oh we gave the president and then they like
Oh that guy's president on TV for the president real life. Yeah, they're not very smart over there
I mean we put like and we put Reagan and you know, like yeah, we did the same thing
Donald Trump. Yeah, Donald Trump from the apprentice where he pretended to be a businessman. Yeah
Good times. Yeah, he's really can't Arnold Schwarzenegger
We took their Austrian guy and made him the governor of one of our state. We're taking you know, it's like we can't talk
Yeah, and then he just makes a bunch of commercials that he's like skiing in California somehow and he's like come visit, California
I like that we get their most jacked guy like he's allowed to come in our country
He'd be like not probably be skiing and the commercial not surfing, you know
Like skiing isn't the main thing California is known for if it was Colorado. Yeah, and maybe rollerblading
Am I right it come to Colorado and you can snowboard here
Mm-hmm. You could you could skateboard maybe and rollerblade even I was pictured in a scene like an Arnold Schwarzenegger type movie
Where you have a gun and you're shooting everybody and then you go sorry the doctor ordered me to do this
My doctor told me I had to do this
Terminating I have a good sketch idea, but it's like clearly a metal a little guy
I've got idea for bad comedy sketch back for back up entertainment. Oh shit. Let's go
So we'll hire Arnold Schwarzenegger. It might be expensive, but he says probably not he
Shoots we'll go to the John Hickox gun range and then he'll shoot a bunch of shots been machine gun
and then he says I'll be Bach and then all of a sudden he has like a
Beethoven Sebastian Bach cup fit on and he says planes in Oregon. I'll be Bach. I'll be Bach. Yeah
All right, I'll still have east yeah, I'll be back and becomes Bach and he's wearing a big white wig
And he goes, I mean I'll be Spock and then he
then he is the
Mushroom coat we're gone and then he does that thing or is hostile of east of baby. I'll be Beethoven
I'll be Mozart
Don't still be still baby kills a baby or okay
What if he goes?
Asta Livin la vista Loga baby. How I make my baby oil, then he puts the baby oil on his muscles
Yeah, they killed the baby Asta Livin la vista Loka. I'm gay, baby
Livin love living hostile. I love you the local
The germinator
Just kind of a sanitizes order a kill he kills Jason cuz Jason
How about looks like the big germ from the music about the Austrian eater cuz he's actually Austrian on German true
but people might think it's
Australia cuz that's like the same thing pretty much yet true
Let's go suffer off straight. Just live in Australia shadow. We've got some listeners in southern Australia and in New Zealand
No, we don't know do we got somebody listening from a VPN to put them there? No
We got some
Some spywares like they're training it on our podcast
No, because they're targeting they're trying to figure out how to get like sell something to dumbass we have a fair
We have a fair amount in in concentrated parts of Europe. Oh the concentrated parts of Europe in certain talking about like a
Poland a lot of concentrated part juice. Nice nice now
Belgium's our biggest somehow
Belgium yeah
Waffles cuz it's a try to sell me waffles Belgium so they're like they're like
Brussels sprouts and waffles. Yeah, like what the I do like Brussels sprouts and waffles individually
chicken and waffles maybe
Yeah
Alright, so we're out of stuff to talk about. Yeah
Nothing really happened this weekend
So
Donald Trump gave a speech show I didn't give a speech or a rule with they were both pretty good
And then they killed him and replace him with the clone. No, they have Boris Johnson. Yeah
So good luck voting for your clone folks. We could have swapped them so easily
Yeah, no, but he did that he did that he did the bull moose thing Trump did pretty much
I mean I guarantee you once he got in the car. He was like, let me back out there
That's what I'm trying to be because as a teddy you did
They're trying to put him in jail because they wanted to swap him out like Gucci Mane. Mm-hmm that didn't work
Yeah, but I think now they had to do this
I think Teddy got shot in the open car on the way to the speech
It's like he outperformed Kennedy. Yeah. Yeah, better than Kennedy Lincoln
He turned his head I don't know if you he didn't eat a better than looking at it
Yeah, he did better than John F. Kennedy. It doesn't make any Robert Kennedy
Yeah, it doesn't make the kind of thing that seemed more like fake
It's like the guy shot from like a tower and hit him like perfect
Uh-huh, and then this guy like was like close range with like a machine. Well, I'll tell you why I'll tell you why because
This was a liberal
liberal also shot Reagan
What was the guy who shot Kennedy was he concerned he was like a communist I think
He was trying to yeah, he was he was anti-democrat anti-liberal stuff trying to impress a woman. That's a totally that's not even
Political no, the guy who shot Kennedy was married. No, he died. Yeah. No, he was just anti
like Democrat
Party. Oh, okay. I think he was probably more like libertarian type of deal
He was like I listen to a podcast about him once he was weirdly in like Russia a lot and there's like this whole
Conspiracy that he was like replaced with like a Russian
You know like yeah, I've heard conspiracy. There's a cool movie
They made with Angelina Jolie where she's like from the age of six
They're like assassins and they replace them with like a kid in America and they grow up in America
And then once they become an adult they trigger them to become the Russian spy. Yeah, I
Did watch a whole doctor go it's called salt. Maybe yeah, I watched the salt. Yeah, that's one
I don't know if that one movies one with Angelina Jolie
I like that. I like the one better where she makes a bullets. I
Texted John Hickok. Can you do that?
They make some bullets go curved. No, yeah John John Hickok said to me they they shot our boy
they shot at her at our boy and
And wait what John Hickok texted me he was like they tried to shoot our boy or they shot our boy and I was like
Yeah
Uh-huh, and then
And then he was like, I wish I actually happened and then I was like well
I'm watching the news right now and it did happen you idiot and then he said shit. You're right. I'm bad
Thought you guys were enemies. I hate him. He just he makes YouTube videos his dad
Yeah, the other he was at power out the other day and he goes for a living I make YouTube videos with my dad
Yeah, I started laughing really hard for a long time
He's basically James DeJar with an old guy
He's a clout chasing his own dad
Jealous that you don't make videos with
You guys should make office for videos. My dad's an entrepreneur
So I should make money money with Mac and mark. Yeah, you should you should do videos with him about office furniture
Yeah, we could just do check out this desk. We could do videos never get demonetized
You know, they're always like doing like they're shooting from like a bicycle. You could be like carrying a desk chair on a bicycle
No, I'll be rolling in a chair
No, we could we could talk about network building and sales and stuff like that, you know, that sounds very interesting
It sounds definitely as interesting that was shooting it was the alpha
But when you talk about networking all I think about is working a net on a fishing boat
As a network building like I'm like gone fishing, bro
Efficiency, yeah
Efficient networking is a fish and I prefer working the net like a fish in the sea is there you're trying to see?
Oh, yeah efficiency. Oh, you said efficiency. Yeah fishing hole fish in the sea. I was thinking a fish in the sea. Yeah
That's what I think when I hear like real actual words. I just think it's like something else
efficiency
Yeah
Efficiency at work more like a fish in the sea. I'm on the end of a hook. Yeah
I'm hooked on hooking the fishes. There was this guy I was introduced to his name was Jeff Seagrave and I was like
Whoa, I was like this is like a pirate name like I'm Jeff Seagrave
You're gonna have to walk to the plank and you're gonna go to Davy Jones locker the old Seagrave
One of my wrestling rivals Jack Seaman. Oh, yeah, dude. I
There's a there's a higher up where I'm mad that's her last name
My guidance my guidance house in college was named Barbara's pronounced seaman. Yeah
Yeah, I
Met a Barbara seaman once I met a barber. I wish I met a barber. It was great. She used to babysit my dad
She told me our next guest our next guest was a former was a former seaman
I'm into it in the name in the gravy another one of these guys who got tricked in high school, huh? Yeah, it's becoming gay
Yeah, the Navy's kind of like
Kevin Spacey. Yeah
Always tricking 14 year olds into being gay. Yeah help their career, but maybe it'll become maybe maybe it's gonna become cool again
What if the Navy became cool this be sick if what did if the Navy became cool again
Yeah, well the lamest is the gayest is the Navy but the lamest is the Air Force
The lamest is the Air Force
That's what people say
The smart the desk guys because most people don't get I mean the the small percent of them are cool and fly around
You know, there's a you know, there's a Space Force now, too
Yeah, but there's a
I was talking to Anthony about they haven't done anything. Yeah army Navy Air Force and Space Force
Space Force is a part of the Air Force though. No, no, it's something
Yeah, first it was part of the Air Force. Okay, they had it as like a subset
Just like Hernandez the Marines just how the Marines was a part of the Navy and it's yeah, right
Not anymore. It was the few the proud the few the the dumb the blood lusty
the blood lusting the Marines
Well, they're just brutes like you'd be a good Marine, you know, you're just like a brute yeah
Marine. Yeah
Yeah, I'd be the first pond they send in. Yeah, I'd be like Mac would be good
He would he'd be a good Marine cuz he craves MAGA
You'd be good
I don't know why everyone thinks I'm a big Trump guy and I'm really not
Yeah, except for everybody else
They attempted his life on his life now. I'm a big Trump guy. Yeah, they try to assassinate his character, too
Yeah, I voted even I voted Willie Nelson last time. So I'm way bigger Willie Nelson guy
I have a canvas painting of Willie Nelson in the hallway not of DTJ
But I might have to get one and take down Willie Nelson. Somebody took on Willie Nelson in four years
I'm seeing him all the time. I'm seeing him in the hallway. I'm seeing him in the hallway
Somebody check on Willie Nelson in four years. I'm seeing him. Well, I'm seeing him in September. He's your boyfriend
Wow, yeah, I'm having sex with him. He still plays music. Yeah, it's mostly his like son and his
Fan they'll play music. So they're all
Good. Yes on Luke Wilson. You think your dad's Wilson
What you and your dad don't play music together we listen to music but they can't play anything or you can't even play the voice
Like me. I played his dad in chess. I won his day was pretty good though
Yeah, but you won my dad was I meant I'm I'm in the 97th percent percent
percentile
What about?
What percentile are you a hundred thousand people? What percentile are you of people that can say the word percentile? I'm a
I'm not in that percentile because I can't say
I
Seventh percentile in Cuba the whole park was just a bunch of people in the top 3%
In the evening the whole park was a bunch of old people playing chess. I just
old
Cuban dudes because there's Cuba. Yeah, who's the number one? Yeah, I see player on bed
How's the number one? Yeah, see player on bed online playing yahtzee online
It's got to lose some of its luster because when you yell yahtzee, you're just alone
You know no one's like cheering with you. No one's making a face. It's like you're looking at your computer screen
What's up? What time I was babysitting?
I was babysitting a kid and I got yahtzee and I hit my head and I've passed out on the table
Start bleeding out. Yeah, this is a scene from scary movie 3
This sounds really funny
Yeah, it's in this cord is what we're talking about right before yahtzee
Oh, yes, I think we're talking about my dad
Cuba sorry and these old guys we had we had we had we had a big bottle of rum that cost only a dollar
It was like a handle of rum
So I think these guys are letting my dad win so that we would stick around and then he would let them hit the bottle
But then they had an expert come up and they got beat my dad
And then they're all like god damn it now
They're gonna leave now we don't get the whiskey or the rum anymore
You got to get them a little tipsy and let them win a bunch of times and then you start playing for cash
Yeah
They're having a lucky night. You want to put your money on well luckily we ran out of money
That's the last night that we were there and you can't pull out cash when you're down there
Oh, wow. Yeah, and they only take cash replaces. So you're out of money you're kind of done
Especially because you're like you ran out of money when the rum is a dollar for a half gallon
But when you go to the main tourist area
I mean like it but you go to bars and restaurants as charge would you know tourist places do yeah?
Which is like a billion dollars and the waiters waitress is probably like this is so much money
Like you like we we like a a meal
It's like 50 bucks between the two of us like our money, but for them they see they see like a hundred million dollars
But if you if they try to embezzle like a dollar from that they could probably be headed
It's a full communism there. It's one of the only full communism's left
location
I had a really good joke of power very bad location for one
You know that big black guy who's like autistic Michael something yeah, he did a joke about how he's gonna be in a remake of the whale
First a little mermaids black now the whale was black I
Like that huge
Do you remember with cocaine bear and the whale came out at the same time and they should make a sequel to both that's called cocaine
cocaine
whale
I
Don't believe in free will but I believe in free willie yeah, I can't believe that
Putin and Trump were both at Biden's speech
Free Palestine on the road free bird free bird I like that
How about birds how about bird man bird or Birdman jr.. Bitch?
All the whole bird family who did you say that was?
That little Wayne beefs with
That I was surprised about
Wayne you know soldier boy soldier boy what they don't have a beef
How can you know if no cuz you said soldier boy?
How can you know if so no cuz you said something of it me if you had an argument about
Who was bigger earlier? Not who was bigger, but like who I was talking about who was more level five
no
No, it was young thug well young thug had a beef with Lil Wayne, but young
That's why that's what we're talking about, but young thug likes Lil Wayne Lil Wayne doesn't like young thug
Yeah, some reason yeah, that's a man. I watched a bit YouTube. It's like me. It's like me and Sam Talent. Yeah
Sam tell it likes you and you don't or other way yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no actually
But then like because Lil Wayne didn't like young thug young thug did some shit to him like he tried to name his next album
Like the Carter six or something oh yeah, yeah, and that pissed off Lil Wayne
They like sued him and made it so he couldn't do that we needed we need to talk about
I'm trying to find a way to say this so Stephen Hofstadter won't sue us guys Stephen Hofstadter sues people when they
Make when they make fun of him because they can't handle it even though he destroys people on stage
So someone someone told me that he married a child bride inside of his indentured servitude compound in Pittsburgh
Yeah, so he married we need to figure out a way to say that where we won't get in trouble
So so where do we where do how do we say somebody so how do we say nice?
I said somebody told me that I don't know. I don't know if it's true
I'm gonna say allegedly
Yeah, allegedly okay. That's all you do. They said allegedly. Yeah allegedly well well alleged. It's hearsay
Yeah, he said allegedly the guy who told me it. I'm not knowingly spreading misinformation to defame him
No, no of course not
We would never want to defame Stephen Hofstadter
We had a shirt about him. We love him and then and Stephen Hofstadter's mom that has eight-year-old mom with the Google Analytics
Is seeing us right now? We love you. Yeah, I think we should get in trouble
We're just worried about this young girl like we want to save her
Yeah, is she so did he because I applied for the Hofstadter was on Joe Rogan
I tried to listen to it
I got like 30 seconds in and they're both talking about hecklers in the most generic way I've ever heard
Wait, what's his compound called Steel City?
Arts thing. I don't know I applied to live there and Steel City child bride
Yeah, Steel City and entrance or servitude compound. Yeah, well I tried to I applied for the Stephen Hofstadter to live at his compound and
He didn't even get back to me. Wow. Yeah, like what the heck? Yeah, and
Oh
Dylan I don't know if you know about this but our good friend or
hotdog champion Chris Grievo he
Obviously we have fans nationwide and Chris Grieve is one of our he's like a
Not only a spy. He's like a ninja
Yeah, he's like, you know, he can secretly get around places because
Like like when I saw his face he's a sleuth. He's a sleuth
He's kind of a sleuth. He's just an honest guy
but he he he walks up to Sam Talon he went to Sam Talon show and hit the
improv and then
He walked up to Sam Talon and there's people around he was like, oh
Sam Talon, I think I saw you on bad comedy podcast
I think Chris bought tickets to see Sam at the improv just to say
Like he bought it so I get to see the headliner Sam Talon and he goes away you're the guy from bad comedy. Yeah
Yeah, so we love you Chris Grievo. We're not gonna give you like a week off or anything
Well, we know I'm a Chris we
Hired
Recruiter patrons and then Sam if I tried these I think he's fired. Well, we'll bring you back on Chris
You're really hired by a bad comedy LLC. I like this clip about Trump. It's a the Trump shooting. It said
You know hate him or love him, but the other side would have had better aim. Yeah
Bang bang do hate him or love him the underdog is on top. Uh-huh
And Trump really is the underdog who's on top now. Yeah, so this was
The whole time sort of like the game. This is what Chris Grievo said he got Trump's like, um, you know me
I'm the president's MVP and I ain't going nowhere. So you should get to know me. Yeah, and he's like we're getting to know
You see
When someone gets shot you see who they really are I call hinder love it love it
I love that song if I got to hate it or love it. I guess I choose love it
Who hates that song? Nobody hates that song. It's not so good
It's just call up the call love it if they hate it. I hate them. I like my favorite part of that song is with 50 cent
Growing up I was confused seeing my mom kissing a girl
Confused in the curse coming up in the cold
World yeah, idiot around for you. I'll come in and fill me which is pretty pessimistic using check check out my melodies
My favorite rap you sing I bought a hat at the store at the mat
So this was this was screema said
Chris Grievo in Pittsburgh follow Chris Grievo comedy or something. He's he's a he's fat but he's getting strong folks
Focus when I saw his
In the gym when I saw him lift
Now I'm a Chris Grievo
Hot dogs are protein too. So he said he said after the club closed there were like 30 to 40
He'd wait like 30 to 40 minutes and then get this through. It's so well actually so what he what he probably could have pushed his
Way to the front. He is a big strong guy
He said he walked up to a big group of them way funnier if he had done that and then but super rude to people and he
Like pushed his way to the front was like yeah Sam. You're the guy from bad company
Well, it was there's a big
Recorded there's a big group of them super fans over waiting around and he said I literally walked up to a big group of them
And improv staff and the opener I know and yelled. Oh shit. You're the guy from bad comedy podcast
And he looked at me for like two seconds and he was like processing it then lost it at first
Sam talent thing was fun, but then it became now it's just scarring
Every time I see him and I just he did just make fun of me. He said with a club makes fun everybody
He's so mean. Yeah, he's very mean man
Last time I saw him he kept talking to my belly like there was a person living inside of it
Yeah, he's like saying I was pregnant. He also he throws stones and can't he could he lives in a big
Disgusting glass house. He looks like he'd live at the bottom of the sea, dude
He looks like he live in that little underground tunnel system that the barbarian looked at that movie. What do you do?
I can only survive in pure darkness
What's it what's in town does is he?
He doesn't appear to live in a glass house, but then he just holds it grudge
He looks like it's some sort of just weird blowfish. They'll discover
All right, so
His head looks like a bean. It's like just you don't have to be looks like it looks like a garbanzo bean
Why is he such a slob?
Here's some more about Sam town he said
Doesn't when the club kicked us all out he came over and shook everyone's hand asking their names, of course
He's a single fan. He's a fan single fan single fan
But when he got over to me he was like keep Mac away from me and
Then so what he always says to me to yeah
He said clean. No, he said clearly joking though. He was clearly joking
Okay, I said that's amazing
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha job job job job job such an unpleasant thing to see and then
but I'm telling
But yeah, but but then he said it's so fucking
Get used to it
You have to let your eyes adjust like almost done with the story folks
He did some like a bloody nose or something, but big booger come out of his face
Yeah, but then him and why he's reading his whole conversation. No. No, I mean, this is the full story
Is the full story the full story that you already told good. I know I didn't I didn't finish it
No, I didn't the whole story is really him saying he said yeah
But and he also said he's more of a one guy too
I told him to say but yeah
Him and Lund lost it and the opener these weird dudes that followed them around started fake laughing really hard too
Then they were then we were talking about
The gun somewhat
About the gun someone from Pittsburgh was like they threatened to kill Stephen Hofstetter. I
Guess ran and people just knew about think after the story we should go right into an ad and then
The the fake dick riders were like wait what fucking podcast is this and then they all looked it up that's cool
How many new
How many new views a bunch of you some emotion talk numbers give me some numbers how many numbers we got?
It's just like the power of connections. There's a weird anime guy
Is a super fan of London told him he would fly him to Michigan and buy him tickets to Cedar Point
He's really trying to justify something good happening in the story, but there's nothing left. Well, I know well
No, no, no, Chris Screever squeeze a lot in I think he was trying to get like a refund for a month or something
I've been a patronage, but sorry Chris. Sorry, dude. We really need your money
Yeah, I mean we have to pay for our own shorts a nigger for that sketch
We ever get that go fund me going for beekeeper office
You did make one. Yeah, but we but that was also
Yeah, but it turns out it's not even the Netherlands where our fans are from Belgium. Yeah, this same thing
Maybe we can yes, or maybe we can ask for
Belgian waffles and Brussels sprouts
I think the baddies here in the US want to see us in beekeeper outfits and wooden shoes
Yeah baddies out there. I mean, I know even if you're not paying the patreon and watching the funny episodes
You can at least donate to just go to go fund me type in
Wooden shoes and beekeeper outfits if there's another go fund me for that then
I'll be very happy for them
I'll be very happy for them. There is a go fund me for me to assassinate Sam Talon
You know I was thinking about it Sam called you Puerto Rican
Yeah, and then I was calling you fat Joe and then I think fat Joe's Puerto Rican
So I think you look Puerto Rican like yeah, and then I said then
You don't look Puerto Rican said that some lady at Cleo's
She was telling me like oh basically saying you shouldn't wear
old English
Like you're trying to look like a gangster
Old English and I'm like they didn't invent old English
What do they call it?
Oh hello
Exactly
Cranky
Is old English like proper English or is that like hello?
The font is like a gang font
Mm-hmm. Well, I know that old English is a type of 40. Oh
Yeah, yeah
I was trying to look like a gang banger or something
Yeah
Well, you can't you kind of are you ever had that beer it's called like mad dog. Yeah
It was called mad dog maddest. It's got like the red dog on it. That's the coolest general name. That's called red dog
Is that what it is red dog?
What do you say at first mad dog? I think it's mad dog mad dog 2020
That's this the like wine drink then there's red dog beer, which is a beer, right?
Yeah, and I think it's a bad beer too. Yeah, it sucks, but I like it
I like yeah, my buddy my buddy Ryan Raff would always buy the
Raff yeah
We'd also ride in the back of his pickup truck in Iowa because there's no seatbelt laws for riding the
If you sit in the side of the vehicle you have to wear a seatbelt
But you can just pack people in the in the cab of the pickup truck and it's legal
Which is awesome. See that's one good done law. Yeah, it's all need so many laws
Yeah, it's it's a law that we took advantage of his college kids, but it's made for like farms and stuff
Oh
It's a no-nonsense. Yeah, my pickup truck. Yeah, you pick up whoever I want in there. Mm-hmm
Yeah, I call him a picker. I call him a pick them up trucks, you know
or a
Steel horse. I heard this is just your say I heard Andrew Hofstadter rides around pickup truck
And I like to know who Andrew Hofstadter is who is that?
There's a brother said Andrew you met Steve
Oh, it's his brother. Well, that means I can say
I'm not talking about Steven
So how old is what's that's the age difference between Steve Hofstadter's child bride and the Steve's mom?
Yeah, Mrs. Hofstadter, I know you're listening cuz Google Analytics
I'm gonna kill your son
We have a go for yeah allegedly and your brother allegedly
Someone told him that allegedly. Yeah, somebody told me that allegedly that was gonna kill your son
Only the only the lead pipe yeah only cuz he took everything yeah. Yeah. Yeah, only because I have nothing left
Nothing left to lose
Isn't it free? Mm-hmm. I
Think I saying hurt on karaoke this weekend is pretty good sounds. Yeah, I doubt it would do that
Get pretty wet. I seriously doubt that
I can sing any
Highwayman song highwayman haggis in highwayman by the highwayman
It's weird cuz it sounds like you're bragging but what you're saying doesn't impress me
No, yeah, both can be sorry. I don't sing big moochie grape. Yeah, big moochie grape is awesome. Sorry. Sorry
I don't think you're great. I don't think Gilbert grape it
Am I don't listen to Gilbert grape like you do yeah, you just listen to the Gilbert grave movie you audio tape
I just listened to the Shrek soundtrack now. I'm a Chris Griever
Yeah, we need to record that can you put that in bold letters
I wrote it down multiple places. That's one of that. I actually wanted to I'm a Chris Grieve and we'll make a poll too
Me and Tina were laughing about Max all the day and to see most songs he's made. Thank you. Yeah
It's like you just love singing them. I'm so passionate about them
It's like karaoke can be well
I mean, I mean if I'm gonna put that much time into editing it I may as well make it like sound good
You know and I gotta do the full song too
We're passionate about a few things around here yeah Christ passion of the Christ
Dando Seymour songs
Lund Nathan Lund and anti see creature. Yeah, he looks like a sea creature that got the all the algae off him
Exactly oh
You know what fucking growth there's like that I'm telling ya there's like a sea creature from an old movie that walked on all fours
There's a covered analogy from an old movie or something. I don't know the monster from the black brown black
Lagoon, maybe it's monster from the from a really old movie. Yeah monster from the black lagoon
I don't know it walked on two feet
Hack lagoon yeah, so if you took off all the algae that be him talent
But the creature was thin compared to Sam yeah
No, but that
Had on ham it was like smaller algae so it was just a body
I wanted to like message the comedy vault when they're having him like we have Sam Talon again tonight is there
No, I wanted to just message him and be like that sucks. Mm-hmm and it would be no one your audience was saying that sounds like
Yeah, I mean, I think Mac is frenemies your enemy
Yeah, it's like me and Kiefer a little bit, but Sam hates me a little more than Kiefer
I think uh-huh. I don't know I have different levels of frenemies with people. Yeah, I like frenemy ships I
Don't want to call
Ham anymore more like scam town because he pretended to be my friend and then no we need a ham use me for a bit
No, he's he doesn't want the ham thing to get out to his all most of his fans
I don't think because he was scared to read because he put on a story one thing I posted
But not this like really good boomerang ahead of him
But I put ham talent and then a bunch of pig emojis people love boomerangs and he didn't repost it
I'm so good at boomerangs. It's like the best action shots of all time
See I wouldn't want to be successful at comedy if I'm in I was such a slob
Doctor wife get a job you fucking slobs. Oh
Fuck other guys or else that's just mean. Yeah next time
Next time Sam town asked me a question. I'm gonna say get a job you fucking slobs. Oh, I reply
It's like some things that success isn't always worth it
You dived in enough dumpsters. Yes cut my cucks ass is what he is
Cucks already dived in a dumpster and he got stuck in the sides already
I already got donuts out of it and then Peyton Ruddy stole it from him
And made a video
It seems I remember
I remember Peyton Ruddy was in the green room and Sam talent was there and Sam town was probably talking about diving for donuts in
The green room and then Peyton Ruddy had to make a video about him diving for donuts
He was talking about on JRE ham talent was talking about
He went he's waiting out the donut place for when they throw out the donuts at the end of the night so he could
Survive as a starving. Yeah, I don't listen. I don't need to do that. Sam does not look like a star
Yeah, I don't yeah, it's funny when you're starving but you're eating doughnuts like
Like a survival food like yeah, right. You know, I just had a bowl of rice
He could have had a bag of doughnuts. He could have survived for
years
My suffering with the strawberry cream and the Boston and maybe some John's yeah, what about all the
About all the starving people
Donut people under the mouse and dong greatly forwarded right now. He's just had a calorie surplus every day
I can't believe mouse a dong is the president of China right now
Crazy, I can't believe Putin's the president
Yeah
Yeah, say bong. Yeah smoke weed
You know, it's a lint skews a metro Zell like the feature recent money. Yeah, is that lint ski?
He's a very ahead of his because they want because our government sent them all that money. Yeah
We're trolling ours through so yeah all that money in the Ukraine that would be a good shirt to sell it like a mega thing
Biden is
All the American tax money over
Okay
I came up with the tea. How did the Ukraine get the trillion dollars?
Well, they sell lint skewed over I was I was watching the the Trump news after you shot
and then I came with a t-shirt idea and then the guy that I was watching it with was on Twitter and
And Barstool had already made that exact shirt
I want to know about Donald Crump and he does all that crump dancing. I mean that would be cool
I mean, okay, so so he got convicted. He got you get that one yet. I did our stool
Crump, I thought you thought I didn't get it. I know crump dancing
Anyone else think we're Putin too much money into this war and then it'll show Putin
Animorphs into Joe Biden. Whoa
I like
I like I like an animorph idea
Yes
I think that if Donald Crump Donald Crump would is a good idea for him to do start crumping on stage
But I think he already solidified the black vote with getting convicted and also getting grazed by a bullet. I
Don't think black people are voting for Trump. They are a lot of people a lot of people I know are yeah
There's gonna be because you only hang out with Trump supporters. It's not true at all because you and all your friends are
Transporters, so it's like a biased group. I am now
Now that now that he did be pulled a bull moose, you know, the bull moose is my favorite president
Trump's about to win his third election in a row. He's about to pull a stool moose. Yeah these Antifa people keep
like
They took on a Teddy Roosevelt statue in Portland and then they tried to bull moose
Trump since this is the public episode. I can't say what I would have done to Donald Trump in prison
Apparently
Apparently, I wish you would have gone if you get just so I get that opportunity
If you would have showers to be just in a room with ham talent just 24 hours. I could do whatever
Oh, yeah, stupid, you know if you do turn on that song like
Joe goes to the left of me. Yeah, do the right start dancing, you know, we got the razor blade
Play for 24 hours
Torture his ass
Yeah, what else we do to him here's a car from like a yeah cars cars some ham off of him every
meeting me to
That's what he should have done when he was a starving comic he could just carve some ham on himself. Yeah
He needs a calorie surplus guys unfollow Sam Talon follow Nathan one comedy
Oh, we gotta do an ad I do want to get Sam Talon. We're not
Sponsored by Nathan Lund. We're sponsored by Nathan Lund. So following Nathan one comedy also guys go to
Amazon and
buy an auscane
Finder plus wallet. It's got a cool switchblade thing for your cards. It also connects to find my iPhone so you can show them that card
the front
Then you say FBI
Responsed by a wallet company. We don't recommend
I buy it on Amazon you get 45% off. You've type a promo code bad comedy. That's that's huge
Is what it's normally 60 bucks you get a frick
Ten bucks something like that. That's the math I think but it actually is really good deal. This is the best wallet
Is that real? Yeah
Yep
So if you want to win auscane gang just go to Amazon type in a USK and G
wallet get it type in bad comedy and
It's
45% off and then Jason you have a club's you want to talk about? Yeah
Sign up at a cool steeper club comm use the code 25% off
Use the code bad comedy for 25% off or 50 that's for tea for cold brew tea. Mm-hmm. What's your favorite?
Kenyan black is Barack Obama based tea. That's good. I like the cranberry
Cranberry cranberry Kenyan black because it's just a cranberry Barack Obama
Do we do we have any do we have a patreon we do a patreon?
Mad comedy podcast you can find us on patreon and then how cheap is it?
It's 399 a month not even four dollars. Yeah, and we didn't even adjust for inflation
So we were keeping it like that and but not for that much longer. We're gonna raise it a lot
It's gonna be like a hundred a month
So people in your life that would like this and just send it to a few people every time
Yeah, yeah
And then you can build like a big get subscribed to it and then cut all the bad stuff we say out and send it to
The people we say it about
And you can
You can become an employee of bad comedy like Chris Skriva you get a patron
We give you commission and then you can you can get people under you and then it's and really if hell breaks loose
Which it will you want to be part of a group? Yeah on your own?
Scrambling well, that's why Pittsburgh people if you're listening. Yeah. Hell is already broken loose in Pittsburgh
It's pits of hell burg. You should join if you're not already on here. Shout out to Andy mango
I think he re-upped his card. He got a new card
That was a reason it declined and Andy Dewitt is still around. Shout out to Andy Dewitt
Take down Hofstadter for us kill him. Oh tell
Tell Trevor Austin to become a patron that drug addict. Is he back on the drugs? He spent all his money on drugs
He can't yeah, what the heck?
He should subscribe and then have his card he'll get addicted to this podcast have his card go get can't like
Whatever yeah, no make it overdraw so that he gets a overdraw fee. Yeah, I
Can't spend more money on drugs. I think the problem is he has all of his money rolled up and each bill is rolled up
I
Always thought it would be sweet if you're like coke like cocaine is nice
But if you're Jewish is especially nice because you also get to smell money
You see that it is a great joke you say that in a better way though
I don't remember the right way to say it shout out to our new patron crooks
1776 Oh true that is but we appreciate it
You need what you need to get that happy plants and Joel David Bolton back. Don't give away people's email addresses
Is that their email address? That's his username
We have a new feel like we read a bunch of people's
I read one email address. There was a podcast email address, okay?
Five notifications. I'm sure you look at these
Tell our guests who's Jewish that joke I just said, okay smelling money. Yeah, so
Okay, this is gonna be a fun one. I'm gonna buckle up now
No, we're having a Jewish guess Nick Patterson
This is he likes two of our he liked two of our episodes and then cancelled Wow shout out to Nick
No, come back
I don't know
He liked the critique episode the video and the audio some people just have one friend
Yeah, I'm like critiques for Vastava
Right. That's probably like critiques like gay stalker
Who would be a gay stalker of critique? That's a very good question
There's no crooks on nobody wants to have sexual critique
There's no there's no crooks on here, can I give you a pretty it's it was a bit
The name of the shooter. Oh
It was crooks. Yeah
Everybody but you knew that Kyle Rittenhouse just subscribe shot covered in house. Oh, yeah
What is up, bro? Yeah, I gotta add you back to this
Cuz you're on the podcast now, yeah, I think coming out
Yeah, a couple months what you kicked him off
No, no, just you know, I just took him out of the some of the pictures
Yeah, it's just circulated pictures of him with a gun in fairness both you and Mack are the craziest people I've ever met so
I have a friend who has got a multiple personality disorder, which we will not you guys are much worse
Well, you're the most mentally delusional
I'm
Delusional mentally delusional. I believe so. I think that I suck and I'm a loser and I guess I'm delusional
You make good arguments
What do you think you are
comedy probably God I knew that you couldn't say negative things negative
things and then switched it but it's that you said positive things I've got a
complex I mean it's people say I've got a complex I have it's not that you know
it's not that great I haven't had that hard to understand was God mm-hmm I
haven't M&M complex I think I'm a rap god nice that's a song and he's like he
just raps fast but talks about nothing I think Brian Rowe is one of the most
delusional who's most delusional there's something Brian Rowe cuz like cuz like
when he was drunk at power hour people were like making fun of him he goes I'm
gonna be famous before all of you he said that yeah it's like it's I guess
it's okay to think that once in a while like I'm gonna work hard and you'll see
how long it's okay to think that but like to say it out loud to a room full of
people yeah comedians especially him because they know it's serious if I was
there and I said it then you would know I would have joking nobody fucks with
you like look at the evidence yeah evidence against but if I said it just
to Brian Rowe then I would be a hundred percent serious I said I'm be famous
before you yeah I mean maybe for like serial our star no but what would stand
out that is a serial serial our yeah that's what he'd be famous for yeah
famous for Gilbert Grape thing yeah Gilbert Groban's was he what's eating
Gilbert Grop yeah he's gonna be famous for for Gilbert groping and Gilbert that's
our new demon time words that's great what's eating Gilbert Grop you know what
demon time means Dylan yeah it's like when it's a demons takeover and no well
no it's you have to fight them off it's what YouTube does and what I mean does
they demon time us what they are because we don't was we don't want to say that
word the word when it's like the opposite of being able to be tonic
oh it's just it's gonna be a beautiful yeah to be able to say that to be able
to think that like you're gonna be famous Ron LeBron a ties what about what
about when I was growing up all the people brought it you're not gonna
censor me and nowadays it's like I gotta be careful what I say so I can be on a
social media platform I'll be like fuck you you can't do what you told me I'm
raging against the machine and no one can censor me George Bush doesn't care
about black people I might upload our people against each other and then they
all nowadays it's like I will give you guys 30 cents if you don't say this word
I might like I was like I'm so careful not to say the word now I've been
thinking about 30 cents I've been thinking about uploading our archive of
of public episodes on a rumble okay I thought it was live streaming it's all
those videos okay I got a rumble account I was rumble
mince I did I wanted to do that one of the same talent episode because it only
allowed it only allows so many gigabytes I wanted to live stream on that fucking
one that doesn't have ads but there's like no one on the platform and I'm a
nobody so I don't get anybody watching don't say it don't say that about
yourself kick when it comes to live streaming I do it once a week for an
hour which is most people live stream for like eight hours Jason you're not
a nobody I do one hour a week and Jason five people you're not a nobody you're
right not I'm delusional I'm a somebody
so my folks if you think that Jason's a humble guy what do you just just listen
to a few other episodes you know I got five brain doctors because my brain is so
big no good stuff that fatty brain whatever brain is mostly fat that's
normal being fed is actually a sign of intelligence what are brains even made
out of spaghetti or some shit don't worry it's for us big brain people to
worry about what the brain is made out of keep playing with your toys and your
shapes vomit on a sweat already mom's brain mom's bring it mom's brain yeah I
was explaining that I have to wear the baddie hat cuz if it's a plain hat
people say slim shady or he's a shooter he looks like a shooter so as he's
talking no I respect it I respected the reason we had the reason we added you to
the podcast last week because because we saw you had that baddie head on we
thought that was kind of cool and they kind of that kind of fit in with the
whole pod thing yeah probably people like me more price you dead thing
through the laundry one time but yeah that's very cool yeah test fire did it
used to be you the hat used to be what do you say white baddie and white maybe
hit that thing with a tied pen it would just be a blank you try hit it with a
tied pen tell us more about what you do to Sam Talon jail okay so would you
Gilbert Gropam I could Gilbert grapple would you grapple him you big moochie
group group I would do nothing sexual yeah you're a Gilbert grapple him
but yeah be way too hard to get it up to Gilbert great uh-huh and no I would
just probably is algorithm smart enough to catch on probably would you grape ape
him I would tell him how I'm gonna do great babe a baton ape squeeze that for
the word great babe I got me some baby a big purple I would make him do push-ups
he can't even do them I would make him do girl push-ups until his arms yeah
lapsed I'm gonna buy him dollar shave club when he gets out of here giving you
a razor right yeah and then I'll be hiding in the whole thing there's a
plant in the corner of the cell but it was be me the whole time for like a year
and I'll pop out and like this like stab him but like just like not that hard I
would say I'm gonna Mac is gonna pop out of any bush you find might be mad yeah
on the yard yeah he'd be so scared I'd be texting his wife like right in front
of him yeah every time he falls asleep he just punch him in the face the
physical of what I was trying to say about Trump in jail is if you went to
jail they said that one was being weird or is on my leg or something I don't
know that's why I put it over there you're a cam telling apologize forever
stepping on people are being mean and yeah we should cancel we should meet to
Sam town for being mean to us yeah and if you guys ever happen no we guys
watches Joe Rogan I didn't watch I watched his comedy and Nathan one wasn't
even on the show why wasn't why wasn't Nathan London the Joe Rogan with him I
don't know those that was BS seems like he's not why wasn't in London not Joe
and not Sam I bet you know nothing happened I think this is like a
teledigging nights type of thing where he's will ferrell and he's gonna take
all the credit yeah when London's just as good as him but I bet I bet Nathan
one got invited on and Sam was like no I'm the one who wins the races right
then he so if we could fuck with Sam's head then Nate yeah well his whole life
we'll have to convince Sam talent that he's like a paraplegic or something like
like what feral thought I do have to get his wife involved at this point I'm
gonna message her about and then he'll hear about it from her and it'll just
create just plant a seed yeah and you coming for your wife I met his wife one
time wise I slept over at his house huh you slept with his wife I slept over at
his house I just sleep at Sam town's wife he was he was living in a dumpster
full of donuts huh this house is like it was so gross like out back on his weird
couch he's like please be quiet my wife is here and then she seemed like really
annoyed by me being there I'm sorry I just need a place to sleep in Denver he
fell asleep he was supposed to let us in and then there was like a drunk girl in
his bushes scared the shit out of me and Joe Fernandez stayed over there sounds
like he was having an affair there's me and Joe miss miss talented no he was
asleep she was there was a woman outside his gate in the bushes I wonder if he
locked her purse the next day wonder if he locks her out after no cuz his wife
was there wait yeah this is all true story hold on hold on what if this lady
broke in pretended to be his wife and his wife is actually the one of the
bushes well I feel like his wife's not because I remember I saw both their
faces well what if it was a double like Trump there would be have to be two
doubles because I saw the bush face no the double and it was like Sam town I
think they're like an oh Sam was fake I didn't think about Sam Talents fake
trying to find a double for Sam we just we'd have to go to a bowling alley
yeah you need like a guy who's a guy got in this bowling alley where you can still
smoke yeah you need to like mate mate together like you need like mate
together like Tim Dylan and John Hickok or something just like it's
disrespectful to your audience and your wife and everyone you stepped on that
you just dress like such a grubby scrub imagine what do you mean he wears
button-ups now where's fucking shorts that show his disgusting body yeah I'm
just like a button I'm not wearing my shorts you are wearing your and my same
talent tattoo his fucking face shitty glass no hat he looks like there's no
hat wearing ass or mo good would hate him that his hatless ass he does look
like a pepper the pig character you think you know pepper the pig if he
tried to look uglier could he I don't think he could well that's that's part
of why people are laughing is he's so ugly they're just like they're having at
him not with him I'm gonna start booking appointments with his wife or whatever
the abortion abortion doctor yeah yeah see if she does like PTSD stuff and then
you could just talk about your issues with this comedian Sam talent just gotta
get some people pregnant yeah yeah just start using women to move to well there
are Michigan now I think she's my abortion doctor there are they in
Michigan now I don't know I think this is a different state I'll follow them to
New Zealand or wherever they do he does comedy they do live on Washington Street
on Washington and Maine in in Grand Rapids Michigan nice I think it's at
least 1802 that's the year so descend upon that house
baddies yeah actually please don't cuz that's not I just made that up I don't
know but just I wonder if you can get trouble even though it was a fake address
oh for sure for doxing well no not for doxing but if a baddie actually it
descended upon I got chicken ducks well we got some ride or dies like you know
like like Chris Grieva he went undercover as a fat guy and Cruz is
just looking for an excuse so you just never know how many guys are gonna be
booking appointments with your wife Chris Grieva was the perfect undercover
guy cuz he cuz Sam town loves being surrounded by fat people he does that's
not really Sam's choice that's gravity yeah this guy's hogging all the gravity
yeah well Isaac Newton come up with these laws after getting brain damage
by an apple thinking he's a lawyer Sam knows all about that but just cuz he
thought he was gonna get a fig Newton yeah and an apple pie instead of like an
apple falls on him he just picks up a dozen doughnuts at Baker's does any what
so people say the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree what if it's like a big
big-ass apple tree that with long branches what if the trees on a hill
yeah yeah what if it's right over a cliff you know that reminds me what I
was thinking about in the way here is I thought you know how they used to do
that thing where like kids would build their own car and then you you like ride
it down a hill yeah and whoever wins wins us three should do that we should
all build our own car okay well I did the IQ test
I did you would you get perfect score I don't remember I did do it though it was
really hard I did a well I was taking a shit and it was really hard and I got
like I think I think I was like 20 points above average or something I think we
should all do it after Nathan leaves I already did I have my results
screenshotted yeah we all have to do it here I'm not gonna do it I didn't I
didn't try hard I did was shitting oh you didn't well yeah but we'll be it's
hard we'll be under the it's hard as shit how many questions was it a lot
that's why it was so annoying I have my legs were going was it was done shitting
I was still taking the towel were you locked in pizza time she was timed and
folks it yeah if you don't know about his whole bathroom pizza situation is a
clip coming out on Monday with it I actually edited a clip talking about it
yeah his living yeah they're just like the I don't want to know Leslie Tanner
thing his no his uh his lovely partner it's like a jail food thing now his
girl she puts pieces under the door whatever we talked about it many times
live I guess I know but comedy fans know I described it to dr. Leslie Tanner he
has a hole cut in the side of the bathroom or she cut it and she's got
it's got one of those you know how those horse barns they have like a door that
opens on top yeah she throws a bucket of water over that that's how she bathes
and then this has professor pizza making Pizza Hut from outside of it for hours
while she goes shopping this credit card I really offended professor pizza by
calling him mr. pizza yeah I guess PhD uh-huh yeah I call him dr. Pete yeah
yeah that's what I call it Sam Talon's wife I call him senior pizza and he was
like I'm Italian I'm not Mexican I'm not amazing so women told me he's like
gross no well he's Italian they're all like they're all they all what's eating
Gilbert groping yeah no I mean no okay no I'm gonna tell me I'm gonna defend
him here all Italians do that but gross all right you know yeah how I guess we
need to compare them to the average for Italian yeah this is not this is not
this is nature not nurture this is this is just it's not he's not a bad guy for
it it's his heritage yeah yeah yeah yeah he has no choice to be hairy and smell
like garlic and grope women go get the real grope ones he's got spaghetti brains
documentary last night about these like kind of people who have a chromosome
disorder and and then you know I'm 20 points above average IQ I guess there's
some shit yeah when you cheated on the test what do you think pooping is like a
is a PED no I mean you have a lot of different monitors you probably want you
probably weren't pooping I did have my phone poop while pooping yeah I just
don't know if you're you videotape you pooping while you're doing it yeah I
have a video of me to make sure I wasn't cheating yeah from the front and back
need so you can see that there was no test should be an IQ test I honestly I
honestly don't even know how you would cheat on this because a lot of it was
like we have to go the memory type stuff we have to go to the pro metric testing
center and do it different bullshit we're being watched yeah how about we
just do it after this and compare it to Jason score yeah I believe that Jason
only I think I think Dylan will be I think it won't be good at it weirdly so
what does that tell you if I take it a bunch of times and I don't think I won
that I definitely would I haven't taken it yet there I thought we would all take
it together at least two of us take it together we'll do the honor system
Jason can you text us your screenshot yeah it's probably not the same
questions every time and we'll just double check and we didn't get a figured
out once I doubt it's the same question every time so you guys are both Jason
didn't try that hard Mac you sent us the test you're saying I bet it's not even
accurate no I said I said I said I said I bet it's not the same questions every
time so the questions are not what you think the questions are not what you
guys think once you take it you'll see there well it's weird what is it like
nail in ballots gonna be it's like it's like we're gonna show you a bunch of
shapes and then you have to remember which shapes you saw it's like memory
stuff I was hoping spatial reasoning and I was hoping okay how do you spell IQ
just I'd be like I miss that question okay it says at the top that's what you
missed out on I think yeah thanks for listening folks we'll close on the
killer IQ joke I just did it do you have any plugs Dill even shows coming up this
comes out tomorrow Monday I come to fresh faces I mean today Monday on
Tuesday can watch me do five minutes fresh faces are you your brand new
where is that there you go I think they had they had Kiefer on fresh faces
first of all his face is not fresh at all
Brandon Kiefer has the least fresh face of anybody and he also did a comedy for
30 years they made a move they made him take a bath you plug your socials
drink Mike's harder black cherry lemonade brand comedy batty Brandon Kiefer seems
like he takes baths outdoors like it do you ever see Django and chain when he's
like bathing in the bucket he's just sitting there
yeah yeah no he definitely has a big wash basin that he sits in yeah he's
dumping water on him Albers sponges him it's like a bro thing because they both
do it for each other this is how we got a bathe here we only got one bathroom
Jason oh I'm doing a show August 3rd with Justin Gullack check it out I'm
gonna sell tickets for it soon toxic waves yeah buddy awesome time I want to
vouch for a couple guys and Joe like very funny putting it together but we're
gonna sell tickets soon okay cool bad comedy oh you can get tickets go to my
Instagram I'll have it in my bio cool Jason Melton I'm gonna follow up the
comedy bar on more details for getting tickets but just beginning of September
or just be ready for the bad comedy live show it's gonna be on to Sunday wake me
up when September begins it should be on the eighth follow me a bad boy comedy go
to the Gus and Joe lecture and then unfollow Sam Talon and follow at Nathan
Lynn comedy catch me on pretty much every big stage in Chicago most comedy
clubs I'm headlining the weekends and then I got a show with Jeff Christmas
on Christmas yeah it's a it's at a it's an elementary school he wanted something
he wanted to do in his right he said it's gonna be hot yeah yeah because it's
like it's winter you know perform for kids when I when I say this is a hot
crowd I mean that in two ways
might be a double untouched Jeff Christmas you love your kids the very
next day well that's how I went I went to jail yeah it's part of his contract
that most most elementary schools don't read his his payment contract but he
only gets paid in kids
that Jeff Christmas long alright folks we love you and we'll catch you when the
moon hits the sky let's throwback you