Hey everybody, welcome to the Bad Comedy Podcast. My name is Adam Quaslow.
I'm Morpius.
Morpius.
I said Morpied, please.
I was like Morpheus?
Morpied, please.
There was like a...
Yeah, Morpheus, Morpied, please.
Wasn't...
I think there was a Pope Pius.
Yeah, Pope Pius.
That's a guy.
I think he was an asshole though.
I think he was like a mean pope.
Let me tell you a little secret.
All the popes are assholes when you get to know them.
Yeah, you're very pious.
I know all the popes.
You look like you could be a...
No, you'd be like an Eastern Orthodox.
I'll be a...
I just picture you with like...
If I turn trans, my trans name would be Friar Tuck.
And I would tuck my penis in.
Eastern European, like people that are like bishops or whatever, there's fat and they have
beards and they're like, I'm gonna be a
bishops or whatever, there's fat and they have beards and they just have a bunch of cool
jewelry that they wear.
Jewelry.
Yeah.
And they were like, I don't know.
Oh, you're talking about Greek Orthodox maybe?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Yeah.
Is that not what I said?
I was thinking of the Friar Tuck joke.
Yeah.
I was putting 100% of my energy into getting that.
They like Eastern Orthodox, yeah.
Like what Rasputin was kind of a part of, but the whole religion hated him.
Well, they were Russian, right?
I think the Greek Orthodox.
And then is there a Russian?
It just says Eastern Orthodox.
It's pretty much Russian.
I don't know about that religion.
There was some of those by me when I grew up, but I never interacted with them too much.
Yeah, I think it's just, it's another spin off of Catholicism.
Yeah.
But they're definitely not the same.
They have a ton of differences.
I worked with a lady and they had just like different holidays and shit.
Yeah, they have like Greek Easter.
They do.
Yeah.
What are they, gyros?
Yeah.
I think they eat a lot of lamb and olives.
Okay.
Greeks are the Greeks do.
And then the Russians eat nothing.
Okay.
The Russians eat a potato or like rocks or something.
Just one potato potatoes.
I mean, potatoes are good if you make them in fries.
We have one potato for whole village.
We make fry one fry per person.
That's what they, that's what like, they still turn out jacked.
Like the guy from Rocky.
Yeah.
When I mean like during the times in Russian history, so all of Russian history when everyone's
been starving.
Yeah.
They have to ration the potatoes and the fries and everyone's these one or two.
You live in Asian Antarctica and they're freezing and starving.
There's no food up there in Asian Antarctica or whatever the fuck.
Yeah.
All they have the Asian North Pole.
Yeah.
Imagine living in Siberia up there.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's like the really cold part.
That's what that's what that's where they have like the fur hats.
They don't have dirt to eat up there.
Yeah, I know.
But they have a that's why you don't fuck with the Russian winter.
Yeah.
Because they have those Siberians that'll come down and look up.
They'll get you.
Yeah.
You know, the Siberians, Siberian tigers.
Yeah.
Are those people Siberians?
Yeah.
From Siberia.
So sometimes when I have like a like a drink, like an alcoholic drink, I like to have a
side beer in a sidecar type of thing.
Side beer.
Oh, side beer.
You're a Siberian.
Well, I don't buy a shot.
I don't buy a beer with a shot on the side.
I buy a shot with a side beer.
Yeah.
So they call me a Siberian.
What do they call that?
A backer or something?
Yeah.
Pickleback.
Yeah.
No.
I'm just saying when you get a shot with it, it is like a backer or a...
Sometimes they give you like a fourth of a beer when you order a Bloody Mary.
Yes.
You get a Bloody Mary and they just give you like a little cup of beer.
Let us know, YouTube, what's that called?
Yeah.
It's not backer, but that's very close to what it's called.
A trailer.
A humpback of Notre Dame.
I know what a pickleback is.
That's when you take a whiskey with pickle juice.
That started after I quit drinking.
People swear by it.
Yeah.
You ever done it?
It's good.
Yeah.
And I'm non-Brightonary, so I don't even like pickles.
Yeah.
I like it though.
Yeah.
You're pickle Jewish.
Yeah.
Tommy Pickles is not non-Brightonary.
From the Rugrats.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
That's a good show.
I still watch it.
I was making fun of someone the other day saying they looked like Tommy Pickles and I can't
remember who it was.
Was it a bald guy?
Maybe.
Bobby Buds maybe?
Oh no, I think it was our cat.
Because our cat, Cran, wears a diaper now.
Yeah.
And she's really, she's really got like bad balance.
She's always like falling down and shit.
And as she walks around like Tommy Pickles, because you know his feet were always like
pointed inward.
Yeah.
And then is Chuckie, Chuckie's the ginger one?
Yeah.
He looks like, like kind of like Sean White.
The snowboarder.
Yeah.
I guess Sean White kind of looks like him.
Or like Carrot Top?
How old are the Rugrats now?
Do you think Chuckie grew up to become Carrot Top?
Uh, he, he grew up to be Chuckie Cheese.
What?
I don't know.
That's kind of crazy.
I feel like Carrot Top existed at the same time as Chuckie.
That's my favorite band.
Uh, the animatronic band, Chuckie G's.
I always loved the band from Celebration Station.
We didn't have Chuckie Cheese, we had Celebration Station.
Do you ever go there?
I think that sounds very poverty though.
No, it's the same exact thing.
Actually I think it was better.
It had go-karts.
All right.
Well, I'll do a-
Did Chuckie Cheese have go-karts?
I'll do a poll and let us know which one was more poverty folks, Chuckie Cheese or Celebration
Station.
I mean, I think I could answer this right now.
Did Chuckie Cheese have go-karts?
Yeah, sometimes.
What?
Depends which one you went to.
I mean, well, Celebration Station had go-karts.
Yeah.
Well, did they have the best pizza in the world when you were a kid?
It was probably not good anymore.
I don't remember.
Well, everyone remembers Chuckie Cheese's pizza.
It was good.
I liked to go to Shakey's when I was a kid.
You ever go to Shakey's?
I don't even know if they exist anymore.
I don't know what that is.
The chain, it was like a buffet and then they had an arcade in the back.
And the buffet had pizza on it.
No.
We'd just go and we'd get the buffet pizza, which was basically frozen pizza.
There was?
We'd go to the, me and my little brother would just be stacking up our plates with frozen
pizza.
Yeah.
So some bowling alleys just have like tombstone pizzas they make here.
Yeah, exactly.
Those are the best.
There was a place called-
Fucking Pony Inn pizzas like that.
Pony Inn pizza where I do beer belly.
Really?
Yeah.
That's nice.
Oh, Frank and Mary's does that too.
Yeah.
Jim was doing that at North Bar back in the day.
Shout out to Jim.
Milk Breath.
Oh, I was thinking about this.
He's not around anymore, so we just are stuck on Milk Breath.
That was the last joke we made about him.
So he's just a milk bread on his tombstone.
No, I was thinking, I think he was driving Uber for a while.
And I don't know if he does anymore.
Hopefully not the Uber mench.
He probably has zero stars because he would have really loud music playing.
And then he would try to have conversations really quietly to the passengers.
And his car just smelled like milk.
If I know Jim, every time he gave an Uber driver a ride, he probably asked him to carry
a bunch of chairs downstairs.
He made the new favors for him.
He doesn't do fucking favors.
Yeah.
Ask them to do like on stage tech work.
They have no idea what things mean.
He would just know with no qualms at all.
Just be like, hey, can you do something for me?
Carry a bunch of chairs downstairs?
I was a gym slave.
Yeah.
He compensated me later on when North Bar was closing down.
He gave me some full bottles of chairs.
Oh, really?
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
And he gave me a handle of tequila and a bottle of Malort.
That's fucking sick.
Yeah.
And a bottle of vodka.
I was trying to work the door for him and security and also wanted him to book me on
the occasional show.
And so I was like, yeah, I'll carry the chairs.
I didn't want to.
There's still nothing where North Bar was.
Yeah.
So Jim, you should talk to them and start it again.
I think they just didn't want something loud down there for the tenants.
I think that they sold the building.
Yeah, the people who owned the building.
Yeah, yeah.
So it was like...
But he could stay there if the new owners would allow it, you know?
Oh.
Because I'm sure what he would do is he would...
Are they turning into apartments?
Maybe?
So he was the business owner, so he'd pay the owners just rent for the spot, you know?
And then...
Well, I mean, I don't know what they're doing there.
I don't care.
I hope this fucking burns.
Yeah.
I hope they all burn.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I like to burn the bridge.
Burn bees and bees.
As Bernie Sanders'...
Applebee's?
...as a bee.
Oh.
Applebee's started because a guy found an apple and had a bee in it instead of a worm.
I heard that story.
Yeah.
It was actually Johnny Appleseed.
Johnny Appleseed?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Yeah.
He did a lot of apple stuff.
He founded Apple also, the company.
Apple?
He founded Apple.
Steve.
I thought it was founded by Steve Apple.
That was his friend.
Steve Apple killed him.
You know what's crazy about Apple is Apple was the... from the Bible.
It's a big Bible thing.
Yeah.
It's Adam and Eve.
Well, no.
Not Adam and Steve.
No, it's Adam, Addison, and Stephen Haas having sex in the Xenia's bathroom.
Because Eve got the apple from the tree and she ate that shit.
Yeah.
And the snake was like, don't do it.
Yeah.
The snake was like, please respect your husband.
Yeah.
The snake was like, don't eat the apple.
That's the real story.
He's got to be in it.
Honestly, did we get the snake side ever?
Because Eve sure came back and was like, the snake made me do it.
Well, yeah.
I didn't have anything to do.
I don't have free will.
Yeah.
The snake was Satan, I think, and she wasn't supposed to do it.
And then something like that.
But you know snakes got punished in that story.
Well...
According to that story, that's why snakes are forced to slither on the ground.
So I guess also snakes used to not slither.
Really?
According to my CCD class when I was in elementary school.
That's kind of cool.
Yeah.
That's probably true.
Man was forced to work the field and then women got periods.
That was all our different punishments we got for eating from the tree, good and evil.
Dude, St. Patrick was cool.
And now women want to work the field?
It's like, what the hell?
Yeah.
What do you do?
You get to hang out if you want.
You idiots.
Haven't you already done enough?
Yeah.
In that stupid apple?
Yeah.
Yeah, you ruined it.
Eve ruined it for you all.
Just accept it, okay?
Speaking of snakes, St. Patrick, this is a true story.
He expelled all snakes from Ireland.
Yeah.
No one has seen a snake in Ireland ever since.
I know.
Wait a minute.
It's crazy.
I think he just ran around with the machete and just killed them all.
It was just like a snake genocide.
Did you ever hear that thing about snakes?
And I think it was in India somewhere.
On an airplane?
If you killed snakes, they had too many snakes.
So they made a rule that if you killed snakes, the government would give you some money.
That's awesome.
So people started farming snakes so they could kill them and turn them in.
And now there's like more snakes than ever.
There's always stuff like that.
Yeah.
Like with like gun buybacks too, when something has happened.
If the government tries to do like any kind of bounty or reward for something, people
find a way to make it fraudulently make everything worse.
They're like, how can I exploit this?
And it's like, yeah, they do that at all levels.
That's what corporations basically do with the Senate.
They're like, let's move down the regulations on pollution or whatever.
They're like, let's find a loophole.
The loophole is I'll pay this guy, the senator.
I saw a video of these guys.
They went to a gun buyback thing that was going on in the state.
They were just offering like a little bit above what the buyback was offering to people.
They got kicked out like right away.
They were like, we'll buy them.
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
It was when I was...
Stripping them back into the schools.
Yeah, it was one of those libertarian videos.
Yeah.
Those videos got to be fake, I feel like.
I feel like there's got to be more videos where people get their ass kicked by the police
that people don't put online.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
When people fight the cops.
They fight the cops by being like...
Seems like a huge inconvenience to them.
Yeah.
They're like, here's how you could fight the cops.
You just need an extra three hours every day.
Yeah, I know.
It's so dumb.
An extra three hours every day to deal with the insane amount of bullshit they're going
to put you through.
Yeah.
Like if the cops on bullshit.
First of all, just be polite like you would to a normal person if you pulled over, as
what the problem was.
When the cop comes to the window, what you do is you press your gun against the door.
I've seen this in movies.
Yeah.
What people will say to do is just to roll the thing down like just a tiny crack.
You have to put it down a certain amount, but only like it...
You got to look up the state regulation for how far you have to roll down your window.
Someone once told me they gave me this business card.
It's like a lawyer business card.
And then it says on the back, like all the, I know my rights, blah, blah, blah.
It says it all and the cop reads it.
List of all your rights?
Yeah.
That's a thing that'll make a cop search your car.
Yeah.
Cops are never like, oh hell yeah, I love the constitution too.
Yeah.
Just be a normal guy and...
Let's talk about our favorite amendments.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, if you're black, they're more likely to search your car probably.
Yeah.
But just don't be one of those people that is like, I know my rights.
Yeah.
Because as, yeah, it's three hours of your day.
You might get shot.
Like there's no reason to do that.
Yeah.
It's dumb.
Yeah.
And then it's like, it's not like they can't fuck you.
They'll find a way.
You know, like I was watching some dude, I was watching some soft white underbelly.
Do you ever watch that YouTube channel?
No.
Is that your belly?
No.
Soft white underbelly is a guy who just interviews like a lot of homeless people on Skid Row
and like drug addicts and shit.
Is it the Aaron Chase podcast?
Yeah.
It's like, yeah.
Aaron Chase is basically doing that with comedians, which is funny because he thinks that comedians
are as sad as drug addicts, like depraved homeless people.
Yeah.
No.
I've seen a few of those.
There was one with a guy who was like, he was a cop and he wouldn't like turn...
He turned in another cop and then they just like fucking ruined his life.
Yeah.
They just kept coming after him and they could just be like, no, we got a complaint that
you have like a kidnapped child in your house and then they just raid your house.
They're like, sorry, that was our information.
The worst...
You can't like do anything.
The worst organization to be a rat at is the police.
It's worse than being a rat in the mafia or in the cartel.
I'd rather just get killed than what the police are going to do to you.
Yeah.
The police will get you.
They're going to put you in jail with all the guys you arrested.
Or they'll get the other police.
There's police everywhere.
And then it's like, yeah, let's get a rat on a cop.
Like, yeah, okay, let's kill him.
Yeah.
Cops everywhere will.
It's the fraternal order.
Also, the psychology of a police officer, I think is like way scarier than the psychology
of a mobster.
Like, as of just an individual.
Yeah.
I feel like...
It does depend on the person though.
Of course.
But I think on average, I think your police are like power hungry like idiots.
Whereas mobsters, I feel like they kind of fall into it by, you know, like if they had
opportunity and stuff, they'd go do whatever, but then they had to find another way to make
money.
Maybe.
They're just into money.
Cops are into power.
I don't know.
But a lot of like, think about probably most of the mob organization is probably just like
bruisers and people that want to beat people up like loan sharks and shit.
I think it's mostly people.
I feel like those guys exist are less.
I think it's mostly guys trying to make money and hustle.
Yeah.
Well, the sociopaths are the ones that make it to the top.
And then the...
Of both organizations.
You're right.
Yeah.
Of all organizations.
Of every company is headed by...
Does that mean Obama is a sociopath?
Probably.
Probably, yeah.
To some extent, yeah.
I mean, as soon as he got done with like being president, he tried to go like with Netflix
to be like, he might be like a narcissist or something.
He wanted to do like, isn't he doing like Netflix like movie stuff now?
I have no idea.
Or TV stuff?
I don't know.
Yeah.
I mean, once you're president, you can make millions of dollars the rest of your life
doing anything.
Yeah.
Like people will have you on anything.
Yeah.
You can do whatever you want.
Especially if you're the first black president.
I feel like if you're done being president...
Donald Trump's the second black president because...
Because he's melatonin.
He's orange melanin.
Yeah.
But...
I was doing that joke for a while.
I think I stole it from Adam Bowden.
He was a...
It's like after it was Obama then Trump.
And then after Trump, I said, I'm a single issue voter.
I just vote whether or not the president's white.
I just want there to be a white president again, I used to say during Trump.
One thing Obama kept doing after he couldn't stop doing it, but even after he left office,
he kept his drones tricking weddings in the Middle East.
I think...
It's a thrill.
Yeah.
He's addicted to the thrill.
He loves it.
Yeah.
He's like...
So now he's getting like a contract of militaries to go down there?
Yeah.
Because he doesn't have the government anymore?
Yeah.
He just has black water drones.
Yeah.
He just pays for black water drones.
Because he's like, why use like a normal civilian drone that you just like take pictures with
when you can use a drone missile bomb on a wedding?
I got a movie wreck for you, Badlands.
I have a podcast wreck for you, bad comedy.
Badlands is about a drone pilot.
Badlands.
Can you write that down for me?
Yeah.
This is funny.
I hope somebody watches this.
Badlands.
It was sick, dude.
I take your movie wrecks.
Yeah.
Which one have you watched?
You never take my movie wrecks.
Yeah.
I watched Bon Tomahawk.
You already wanted to watch that.
I just reminded you.
Yeah.
And that's why I watched it.
I heard it's an alt-right movie, and I'm still trying to figure out how.
I don't think it is.
So after I watched it, I went on Letterboxd, and the most popular review was like, well,
I at first had given this a good rating.
I now realize that this is all just a 4chan something or other.
There's some hidden alt-right message in Bon Tomahawk.
Well, the director is definitely a right leaning guy, because he also drags across concrete.
I don't even think that movie was right leaning.
I disagree with you about that, I think.
I think there were characters in it that were right leaning, like the cops and stuff, but
I thought that they were sort of making fun of it a little bit.
Yeah.
It was just like, to me it was more like, not like the overall philosophy was right
leaning, but saying there are really people out here who think these things.
Yeah, yeah.
I thought that's what he was.
I love that movie.
I think they accurately portrayed cops very well.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
I thought it was a more accurate.
At least OG agent cops.
And also, they didn't do what a lot of movies do, which is they're usually written by liberals,
so they give them straw man arguments.
The cops will have bad reasons for being shitty, whereas these guys had good reasons for being
shitty.
What's a straw man argument?
Is that when you're arguing about a scarecrow or something?
Yeah.
Pretty much the guy, that fucking guy from Wizard of Oz, pretty much all his arguments
were straw man arguments, if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, I was thinking about this.
What the hell is, what are existential questions?
What does that mean?
I was thinking about this.
Who came up with the name for a scarecrow?
They're like, we built a guy to scare crows.
What are we going to call it?
I don't know.
Call it a scarecrow.
How fucking uncreative.
I'd imagine it is.
The least creative man in history.
He's probably a Native American.
I am.
Hey, I do.
Hey, they call me runs with Buffalo.
I do run with the Buffalo.
Yeah.
I am what they say.
I'm guessing some white guy on the frontier made one.
And then the Indians are like, what do you make this for?
They're like, for scaring the crows.
He's like, oh, scarecrow.
What are existential questions?
I feel like I can answer any existential question.
Do you want me to ask some?
Ask me an existential question and I'll answer it.
I think I'll start with the big one.
What's the meaning of life?
It's to have fun and to do comedy.
Next.
I disagree.
I actually think the meaning of life is to get money and pussy.
No.
Well, get money and pussy also.
Oh, OK.
Then I guess we're in agreement.
Yeah.
Ask me another one.
All right.
How do you lead a good life?
By just living it up.
OK.
And saying, what do I do?
Yeah.
I believe.
Like people.
I believe Ricky Martin answered this question a long time ago.
You live in the Vita Loka.
Yeah.
You live a crazy life.
That's right.
And be gay.
I turn to Ricky Martin for most of my existential questions.
Yeah.
So we don't need philosophers.
I can answer every question that anybody wants.
Give me another existential question or an unanswered one that people debate.
What is human's nature?
What's our nature?
What's human nature?
Is that one?
I would say human nature.
I don't have internet right now.
I'm just coming up with this off the top of my head.
What is human nature?
Yeah.
That's too broad of a question.
I got one.
Is there a God?
It depends how you define God.
Oh, that's a good comeback.
Here's one.
Do we have free will?
Is this existential?
Yes.
We do?
Mm-hmm.
OK.
I saw the movie.
Then how do you explain Eve when the snake told her to eat the apple when she just did
it?
It's like, don't you have free will, bitch?
Yeah.
So she was just being a dumb bitch.
Yeah.
You know who doesn't have free will?
Hot chicks when they get around me.
They just come under my spell.
I saw this movie about a whale.
The whale?
Free will.
Oh, free will.
Is there a lighter in here?
I can find one.
You saw free willy?
Free will, I think it was called.
Free will?
It's a Will Smith movie.
It was a...
After he got slapped and went to jail, after he slapped somebody and went to jail, I held
up the sign that said free will.
I think it's...
Who's that one guy, Sam?
He's a philosopher or a...
Sam Harris?
Sam Harris thinks we don't have free will.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Which we do.
Sam Harris also thinks that Muslims are going to try and take us over or whatever.
Yeah.
Sam Harris, he thinks Muslims are the boogeyman.
He's so confident about what this shit he says.
He's fucking nuts.
I haven't looked into his shit since I was in college.
Yeah.
He got really big when I was in college because he wrote a book about being atheist and it
was all over YouTube.
Yeah.
Well, guess what, Sam Harris?
First of all, we have free will.
Second of all, there's a God probably.
Sam Harry ass?
Yeah.
Sam talent Harris.
Any other existential questions?
Let's see.
I literally know all the answers to any question that philosophers could ask.
I'm not surprised, but you're doing very great.
Well, I'm God.
That's how I know there's a God.
Yeah.
Existential questions.
So like existential question...
Oh, how about this?
What is our essence?
That was John Paul Sartre.
What is the human essence?
Yeah.
Well, the human essence is to be a being, but the goal is to have a lot of guala and
drip.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
And jury.
Yeah.
They say that existence precedes essence because you can't have essence until you exist.
Yeah.
I like how they say, they'll say like as existence precedes essence and it sounds like, holy
fuck.
Yeah.
And what they're really saying is you have to exist in order for us to talk about you.
Yeah.
They just try to...
It's like, what are you...
You're not saying anything.
Exactly.
They just say words that seem complicated together and then it's more like poetry than
it is like philosophy.
Yeah.
And that's where you get guys like Diogenes and shit.
Yeah.
They're like pissed at these philosophers.
Yeah.
Are those the Sophists?
The Justin Galactans.
He was more like the original troll, like Diogenes.
One thing he did is...
I guess we're Sophists.
He like...
What was his thing?
He's like...
Listeners, Sophists are like the opposite of philosophers, right?
Sophists?
Yeah.
Well...
Or they try to disprove logic?
So back in...
Sophists were like a job you could...
Well, a job you could have was to be a Sophist back in the day and a Sophist would basically
teach rhetoric to politicians.
So teach them how to talks because everything was democratic and they go in the Coliseum
and argue.
So you would teach them how to basically be like one of them talking heads on the TV for
like a political show where you're trying to make your argument sound the best.
Yeah.
Basically, because you're doing that in front of everybody and then you vote on a law.
Yeah.
It's like that movie where Will Smith and Zach Galifianakis are running for governor
or something.
Yeah.
The campaign.
And there's that guy.
Yeah.
Who's that actor?
I don't remember.
I saw him a long time ago.
He's in mostly action movies.
I don't know.
They all look the same.
Socrates said the problem with Sophists is they teach you how to make the weaker argument
the stronger.
They do.
He's not wrong.
Yeah.
What you have to do is you have to say simple stuff in a convincing and captivating way.
It's also like that movie.
Thank you for smoking.
I love it.
Where the guy's arguing like smoking is good.
I love that movie so much.
He's basically a sophist.
So they're lobbyists.
Yeah.
I think lobbyists would be the modern sort of they use rhetoric to try and.
But the thing about lobbyists too is they also maybe use money or like bribes.
Yeah.
To convince you, which I don't think I think sophist true is more just about because you're
going in front of everybody and making an argument.
Well, I'm sure there's some bribes back then.
Yeah.
You know.
Oh yeah.
Yes.
Gold.
Yeah.
Remember when they remember I always call Justin Golan.
I guess so because all his jokes are like I remember he was doing a joke for a while.
Yeah.
Are you littering is good.
He had a joke for a while legitimately like being late is better than being early.
That was his joke.
And his joke was like here's the reason why is because you could make someone late.
Yeah.
But you can't make them early.
Like if you're late, everyone starts with you.
So you're kind of like in control.
And then somehow you're like, OK, yeah, being late is good.
I just screw them.
I like.
Well, it depends what it is.
I like being early the first one to a party and then being the last one to leave.
I love being at somebody's house for as long as possible.
Yeah.
Just to see how long I can overstay my welcome.
I have a lot of trouble leaving before everyone else.
Me too.
Some people, a lot of people's Irish goodbye.
Yeah.
Some people just kind of have to Irish goodbye.
Otherwise, I'll stay late.
Some people get social anxiety and Irish goodbye.
I've never that's there been me.
I just stay there and drink as long as people are drinking.
Sometimes I do Irish.
Hello.
I show up and I don't talk to anybody.
I just go sit by myself.
I do Irish.
Hello.
Sometimes I do Irish.
Hello.
I walked in and I say top of the morning to you.
It's as evening.
Evening.
They come from top of the morning.
What are some philosophies we can come up with?
Some new philosophies or what?
Yeah.
Are you want some more existential questions?
We can because come with some philosophies.
OK.
I think there's generally like there's sort of like logic, which is like the tool used
to do philosophy.
It's also considered a philosophical field because you could do you could study logic
and then logic pro is a computer program.
Logic pro is a computer program made for making beats.
And also there's no women who can study logic or logic.
They're completely incapable of using that program.
Also, there's a program called Reason.
They can't use that either.
So yeah, there's logic and reason.
So you have to have logic and reason.
Generally that's what you apply to philosophy.
Philosophy is like applying logic to a certain thing.
Is it mixing logic and reason?
Yeah.
Reason is a part of logic.
You know, reason is like, you know, your evidence.
So it has to be.
Yeah.
Well, I thought the logic is the more the frame of it.
It's the structure of your arguments.
Yeah.
And then the reasoning is the fluff around is evidence.
But you know, like a structure of an argument is you provide an argument and then you provide
reasons.
So reasons can be a part of logic.
I like to I like to have arguments and not have any evidence behind it.
Yeah, that's the logical.
But not if I keep going with it.
How does that work?
Well, I guess come with fake reasons.
Oh, well, then you have reasons.
Yeah.
There you go.
But they're they're fake reasons.
Yeah.
This upset whoever I'm arguing.
And nobody said that just because you're being logical doesn't mean you have to be being
truthful.
That's true.
I thought so.
You know, that's actually a thing I use.
I used to teach symbolic logic.
Did you know that?
I know you taught like some philosophy shit.
Yeah.
And one of the things is you could have a valid argument, but it could be all lies.
Yeah.
That's why you look like like Socrates.
Yeah.
Or Plato.
Did they look the same?
They're they both the beards?
I mean, I think everyone in ancient Greece looked like they just look like the guy at
the fucking gyro store.
I'm pretty sure every every Greek philosopher was a fat guy with a beard with a white beard.
Actually I don't think any of them were really that fat.
I think they were.
I mean, although all they did was sit around and think Socrates was like ex military.
Yeah.
But Socrates was said to be like he spent so much time on philosophy that his clothes were
falling off of his body because he was so dirty and and he didn't like ever change his
clothes like that's the thing they said.
He also never wrote anything.
Everything about Socrates was written by Plato, a student.
Really?
Yeah.
He just talked to people all day and he annoyed people so bad that they said you either have
to leave town or kill yourself and then he killed himself.
The story of Socrates.
He's like a Japanese guy.
They took him to court for being annoying.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
It's a wild story.
Is it because he would like just preach all this like philosophy to the Senate or whatever
and stuff and they're just like shut up.
I mean, the story according to Plato is he went to the fucking this.
I took a philosophy class and I totally forgot the difference.
Like what their differences in ideologies were.
The real story of soccer, the story of soccer is according to Plato is Socrates went to the
mystics and the mystics told Socrates, you're the wisest man in the whole place.
And Socrates says, but I don't know anything.
Yeah.
So then he's like, well, if I'm the wisest man, I'm going to just prove it.
He goes back to town.
He goes, who's the wisest man?
He goes, talks to that guy.
And then he just he uses the Socratic method where he keeps asking them questions about
what they believe and he proves that everything that they think is stupid.
Like he's just annoying the shadow.
He's like, oh, so you think that he goes, you think that our morality comes from God?
Well, who made the rules?
God?
Or did God just say the rules because the rules are already good?
That's are the rules good because God says they're good or are they good?
Whatever he I would do whatever they did to him.
Yeah.
So he goes around, he does that.
He keeps asking who's the wisest guy.
It's probably like the nobles.
Yeah.
They're like, this guy sucks.
And then here comes this famous saying.
He goes, OK, I would talk to all the smartest people in the world and they don't know shit,
but they think they know something.
The only reason why I'm the wisest man is because I know one thing that I know nothing.
That's the dumbest quote of all.
Yeah.
The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
Yeah.
And that's like, OK, all right.
Time to K.Y.S. or leave.
They accuse him of believing in the wronged gods and being an atheist.
He goes, how could I do that?
And they're like, it doesn't matter.
We all agree.
Yeah, we all agree.
You're stupid.
You're done.
We just we just needed a reason.
They also accused him of corrupting the youth because I guess a bunch of kids watched him
do this and then they started doing it, too.
Yeah.
Well, he started trolling.
Let me do that.
That just reminds me of a kid who doesn't know anything and trying to learn.
It's like, Dad, what's a star?
It's like it's a thing in the sky.
It's like, what's it made of?
Yeah.
It's so annoying.
That's Socrates, man.
Yeah, this is the worst kind of person.
There's just everything you say.
They want up it.
The thing is, though, like at the end, he acted like he was so logical.
But all they said was you got to leave town.
Yeah.
And then he made all these weird arguments about like how Athens is the best place in
the world.
And if he can't live there, he'd rather die.
And yeah, he killed himself.
But it's like, dude, he was like super not logical.
Well, I mean, or whatever.
Where is he going to go?
Sparta?
They're going to put up with his annoying shit.
They'd probably kill him anywhere he goes.
They're killing so fast.
One thing I always thought about was funny about Socrates, too.
He's like in his 70s or something.
He's got like a family and kids who he just never talks to.
Well, I feel like they're never mentioned.
At that point, I feel like Athens would be the place that would be the most open to like
the most liberal to ideas like that.
So they would probably put up with it the most.
Yeah, you go to like one of the smaller city states or whatever or Sparta.
They'd just be like, what the shut up.
What are you saying?
Are you going to be in the military or I mean, he was in the military.
And Socrates is.
Yeah.
But then he became annoying and shit.
Yeah.
What about Plato?
What's his whole thing?
Plato was soccer.
He invented even Plato, right?
Yeah.
He loved multiple clay.
Yeah, that's cool.
And then he was.
I don't really know anything about Plato's life, except he wrote down all this Socrates
shit.
OK, got you.
And you know, like because he was also a teacher, a lot of people think he like really embellished
to make his books like more educational.
And then Herodotus was the first historian.
Herodotus Herodotus.
I don't know.
Tom Holland talks about him all the time.
Oh, yeah.
Those guys existed way before all this.
OK, those guys were like there was no that was before philosophy.
I think that was when people were like, oh, why is the river work?
Because there's gods in the river that are.
Yeah.
And then there was this guy, Thales of Miletus, who was considered the first philosopher,
who said, I think everything is made of water.
But the reason why he was considered first philosopher is because he didn't use gods
in his argument.
He's like, everything is kind of moist.
You ever notice people were like, I see the water flowing into the ground and out of the
ground was one of the things he said.
People were so dumb.
Yeah.
There was no science yet.
This is the invention of science.
This is the invention of non-god explanation.
Why do we study these dumbass philosophers from back in the day?
We're just we're way smarter than now.
Well, Heraclitus said everything is made out of fire.
What's his name?
Heraclitus.
I'm not going to listen to a guy named Heraclitus.
Heraclitus.
I'm also not going to listen to actually I will listen to Herodotus.
Xenophonies was pretty cool.
Her hot tits.
I like that.
Yeah.
So I joined the.
The Lincoln.
Oh, shit.
I thought I was my FBI head.
I have an old body inspector.
I should have my total fail button.
No, but I was thinking about the ATF.
I want to join the ATF because the ATF is ass and titties finder.
I like that.
What time is it?
I can't see.
Three twenty six.
OK, OK, OK.
I'll check IG if you want to.
Yeah, I was just curious about their if they message you back.
He and he said, we'll do.
He said, OK, so I guess they don't need the address.
Yeah, I texted it to them.
They're good.
All right.
Back to Heraclitus, Heratitis back to talking about how people from the people that we founded
are ideals on.
Yeah, I put a finger in his enough Fanny.
Yeah, Fanny.
Those guys can all shut up because I follow the Bible.
But we're I guess the Ten Commandments is a good framework for like laws.
Archivor is a good joke about the Ten Commandments.
I mean, that's all religion is, is like population control.
But I watched this anthropology guy say that we're being it was a popular it was a population
studies class.
We might have to delete this episode or be too smart.
Yeah, legitimately, I know like a shit ton about philosophy and it's weird to like dust
off that part of my brain.
I haven't said anything smart in years.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah.
Now, let's let's get away from this.
I like weirdly just want to go more.
But it's like it's a it's a bad path.
That's way too smart for this.
It's always cool when you know stuff and other people don't.
But when you know stuff and other people do, then all they do is try and like outsmart
you.
They try and be like, oh, you know that fact.
Well, I know a fact, too.
And then it becomes like it's always irritating.
Yeah.
Me and you.
I almost became a philosophy.
And you like to one up each other on history.
I am one of the reasons why I didn't keep going to school for philosophy was because
I went to a few of these like philosophy parties in my college where all the teachers would
go and they would one of them would like present on something they're working on.
And then the way they talk to each other afterwards was so irritating.
It seemed like they were all posturing and competitive about like basically about how
many books they read because it wasn't about like they didn't come up with shit.
They're like, did you read this book?
Because this guy says this, that'd be the worst.
That'd be the worst party to go to as a party of philosophers.
Or there were there was a few cool ones that I love talking to one on one because I like
learning about it.
But to actually make new philosophy nowadays is brutal.
Or to like go to like a like a Communist Party meeting or like or a libertarian meeting.
I'm telling you all the same thing.
I'm meeting of any.
These are all the same meeting of any ideal.
If it's based on an ideal that you're going to.
Well, this was like a school thing.
So it's just all the people who are studying that.
No, I know.
But it wasn't so much like we like those ones.
You're trying to change the world.
Those political groups.
OK, well, I guess a party of the party is not for communists, but it's party full of
communists.
That's all they want to talk about.
The only kind of party you should go to is when it's like called like a party and then
you go there and you get drunk.
Yeah.
And the at most you want to go to like a birthday party like Branding Keever's.
Yeah.
You want to go to somebody's house at 5 a.m. with a bunch of degenerates.
Preferably the house is full of smoke.
So you kind of cough when you come in.
Yeah.
You're like, oh, my God, I'm going to stink tomorrow.
Yeah.
And then there's like a guy who talks really slow and he's tall, like Albers.
Yeah.
And then you get so drunk that you just stare at somebody across the room and they're so
drunk they just stare back at you.
Well, they're in ketamine.
Yeah.
So they're totally cool with it.
See, that's a party.
Now, that's what we're talking about.
Yeah.
We don't go to parties where people talk about like things that might exist.
People get kind of drunk at these philosophy.
Philosophy kind of sucks.
It's like it's like what if what if this is the case?
This is all what ifs.
Yeah.
Fuck that.
What do you want the answers?
I have the answers.
I mean, honestly, philosophy is a dead art.
I guess.
Because I know the answers to everything.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm God.
Kanye Mac over here.
I mean, Kanye is a false idol.
So what do you think of John Hickok getting your goat on the show?
Doing what?
Last episode, I was here, John Hickok got you all mad at the end of the episode.
Yeah.
Tune in to Patreon.com for that.
We didn't do any ads or anything.
Oh, yeah, we will.
This is my ad for Patreon.com.
John got Mac a little steamed.
I think.
Yeah, he got me up.
We're still here.
I'm back.
Well, I'm back.
So that's Patreon.com slash bad comedy for all the guest episodes.
John Hickok pissed me off because he lied and said I bombed on a show, which is absolutely
not true.
Can we get the footage for this?
Is this coming out ever or we just drop it?
I told John I wouldn't put it out.
You found it though?
Because of his jokes, yeah.
Because John bombed?
I mean, he didn't do good by any means.
I remember having a…
I had to consult him after the show. I was like, I mean, he's like kind of down after
a little bit. And I was like, I was like, yeah, I think a lot of your jokes are more
like club jokes. They might not like it on the bar room, whatever. But I remember I followed
this guy who for context, they did a show in like the southeast side of Chicago. Yeah.
It's like a shitty sports bar with a very like working class Mexican audience. Yeah.
That audience, it's always a lot of the same people and they like me. So I do at minimum.
I honestly didn't think it was a lot of the same people the two times I went. It seemed
like different people. Did the biker gang go both times for you? I don't think so. The
biker game was there once before you, right? I don't remember. I think they come if I'm
on the lineup because they've been there every time. I have fans. We should get them on our
Patreon. And it's a biker gang. Patreon.com. They said they... Come on guys, we'll teach
you how to use the Internet. Well, they loved Hickok after they found out who he was. They
weren't laughing at his jokes much. Yeah. Hickok Anonymous. I mean, but... Remember
that joke from Big Daddy? He for sure... Yeah. He didn't do well on the show. Okay. And I
did better than him. Yeah, but who was taller? He was. But once John walked on stage, all
the black people walked away. Yeah. If I was a black guy, I would be very frightened when
he walked in the room. Yeah. In fact, I've seen a lot of black people be frightened when
he walks in the room. Yeah. My first off the cuff joke was me talking about how I was a
BD because I wanted to... Because the black people were... They were already hot from
the Connock Crier. Uh-huh. And I got them... I got them good there. They're like, what
the fuck are you talking about? But yep, John Hickok did bad on the show... On the PD show,
I did well. But it's a good audience there. The only problem is they have noise in the
back sometimes. They're like a playoff game going on. Oh yeah. It's like a sports bar.
They told... And half the bar doesn't know a show is happening. Yeah, yeah. But he definitely
does have regulars that come. I think I did pretty mid last time I was there. Ricardo
did good. He always has like... Ricardo Angulo. He always has at least 15 of the same Hispanics
that are there. Yeah. I think it's like his wife and all of her friends and then... And
then you get the bike... He's got a wife. He's got a kid. Yeah. Shout out to PD. Yeah.
PD's got a kid. Shout out to PD Rodriguez. Love PD. Check out... Shout out to patreon.com
slash bad comedy. Yeah. Oh, and I... I found this website. Don't tell me. It's a club.
Pornhub.com. Oh, I have been found that one. Imagine you found it just now. Right. Dude,
this is going to blow your mind. There is pornagra... There's people having sex in video
for you. And it's all free. But yeah, before I plug... I've been losing thousands of dollars
a year on this shit. But before I plug what I was about to plug, how awesome is it that
porn's just free? And there's... There is a cost, but it comes at the end of your life
when you go to hell for watching it. But it's so funny because like, I don't know if there's
any way for them to be able to make it not free. At this point. Well, they started OnlyFans
and that cost money. Yeah. It's confusing to me how you'd go on there. But somebody told
me it's because they like... It's more of like a stripper relationship where they like
talk to you and it is personalized it to you. Yeah. It's for... Yeah. Yeah. Well, that sounds
even worse to me. Like, I don't want to... I prefer to just be in shame about this. I
don't want to like walk away like I have a friend now. No, no, that's the lamest thing.
That's for like really lonely people. But people are making tons of money on it, right? Yeah.
Yeah. There's a lot of lonely people. Dude, we're fucked. Especially... Our whole society.
Probably the next... The COVID generation, the ones that grew up with masks and being
separated from people. And a nose on their forehead from the radiation. Well, that's
mostly Pittsburgh. All the Pittsburgh comedy scene. Yeah. Arm Pittsburgh. Yeah. Arm Pittsburgh.
I love you guys, but you guys are gross. Pittsburgh. Yeah. What's wrong with you guys? You guys
were born out of sludge. Yeah. The Pittsburgh comedy scene. Like the fucking Lord of the
Rings monsters. Yeah. It's one of my favorite comedy scenes. But yeah, they're definitely
pulled out of the dirt when they were born. They've got the tooth and a tooth. They have
a guy that can eat six hot dogs. Yeah. They have a... The guy, he's got teeth in his nose.
Yeah. He can bite you with his nostril. They have a guy that's been to 50 halfway houses.
Just 25 full houses. Yeah. Just a regular drug addict. Yeah. They have an old Jewish
guy. And now in Philadelphia, like Pennsylvania is fucked. Oh, they have a mango man? In Philadelphia,
they got those guys that just have open wounds because they've been doing that trank stuff
where it makes it so your wounds don't heal. Have you seen this documentary on YouTube?
Wait, hold on. Where is this and what? Philadelphia. What are they doing? They're doing this drug
called Trank, which is like a tranquilizer mixed with heroin. And... It's like an animal
tranquilizer. Yeah. But when you do it, you get sepsis in your tissues. Oh shit. So there's
all these guys that just have open wounds and the guy's like, I clean it every day.
And it won't heal? And it won't heal because you have to go to a doctor and get it cut
off because it's like, or sepsis, no, necrosis. I keep saying sepsis, necrosis. It gives you
necrosis. That makes more sense. Which is basically the same thing a fucking spider
bite like those brown reclusive spiders when they bite you. Because sepsis is when bacteria
gets in your bloodstream. That's your blood. Yeah. So like when I forgot my original surgery,
when I had this like an anal abscess. Anal abscess? Yeah. What's his name? His name's
Arab. Arab. Arab. Yeah. Basically, they're brushing me in the surgery room because they're
worried that if like, if it got worse, that I could get sepsis. So yeah, you get in my
blood. My aunt died of sepsis. Really? Yeah. It's a yeah. Yeah. If you get like bad infections
and stuff, you can get it. But this is necrosis, which is tissue death. It was like the ant,
the bug. Like yeah, my pet ant from my aunt farm got sepsis. That's sad, dude. I'm sorry.
Went into septic shock. Yeah. There's all the little doctor ants around them wearing
their little white ant. So like Dr. Coats doing the surgery on my other aunt. I was
like, please save my aunt. You have a land hospital. Yeah. The ant hospital. Don't tell
Obama about it. Drugs. Obama's favorite targets for drone strikes, weddings, hospitals, elementary
schools. The funeral for the guy from the hospital. Yeah. He had so much fun with those.
I think he did. I think he did the most drones of anybody. So they get these like what? Big
scabs essentially that eat away at the skin. They get dead tissue. They have holes in them.
They look like walking dead. They look like the monsters. Yeah. They're bleat. They're
like wounds all over their body and they die. They die if they don't get those things amputated
because it spreads. Yeah. They probably shouldn't do be doing that. Yeah. So OK. So there's
a really cool documentary on what's wrong with YouTube. What's wrong with the state
of Pennsylvania? I don't know. It's fucked up. It might have something to do with the
penny I put on the tracks in Ohio that flip that train. So in full train full of chemicals
flipped. Yeah. I don't know. The Midwest is fucked. Yeah. So now it's Pennsylvania. The
Midwest. Almost the Midwest. It is Philadelphia. It counts as the East. Yeah. Pittsburgh is
like the only the only redeeming thing they have is the Liberty Bell. Yeah. And that's
broken. Yeah. That's broken to a big old crack in it. Yeah. Pennsylvania is a broken state.
They have everybody in Pittsburgh is and was born as a nuclear fucking mutant. Yeah. They're
nuclear mutant and everybody in Philadelphia has their skin is eating. Yeah. They're the
zombies. Yeah. They're like turning into zombies. I would love to see a battle between them.
It's probably going to happen. The zombies versus the mutants. Yeah. Philadelphia. That's
gonna be good. But I got to send you that shrink doc. You want to hear something that's
not like the Pennsylvania at all. Oh, it's new website. I found called Cool Steeper Club.
Oh, I love that website. Well, it's a it's a it's like a country club. So you pay a certain
amount a small amount per month. And guess what? What happens? Well, it's so you're the
exclusive member. First of all, like it's prestigious. Oh, that's like if you tell someone
like when you're high society, I'm in the Cool Steeper Club. Oh, yeah. Then they'll
be like, wow, they'll invite their table. You got a baby and then you get like power
and power. It's not that quiet level. Oh, is it is it right below that? OK, OK. Yeah,
it's like the rich to the rich, but it's not like the I guess I guess it'd be level five
of richness or level four of richness. Level five is when you get into the Hillary Clinton.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can hang out with a level four of wealthy people, but you also
get tea. This is like drinking tea, not testosterone. You get these big packs of tea, a bunch of
different flavors. They send you different flavors all the time. And it's like it's like
ice tea. You make ice tea. Yeah, it's cold brew. That's why it's cool steeper. Oh, yeah.
It's cold brew tea. You throw this thing in in in in as this pitcher with a filter in
it thing and it overnight it makes a bunch of good tea. Yeah. And I drink out of plantation
when I'm sitting and watching. What do you watch on my rocking chair? What do you watch
at the plantation? You know, the porch. I'm just like, oh, man, this is so good and cool,
refreshing, cool, steeper club. And I'm just watching. You make it Arnold Palmer's and
I'm just watching. I should make it Arnold Palmer myself. Yeah. Oh, I mean, cool steeper
club was founded in the seventeen hundred. So I would imagine that they probably did
it. They benefited from a slave trade. I'm guessing that if there's any tea grown, well,
the East India Trading Company. Oh, yeah. A lot of slaves came from them, too. How about
the British? They love tea and it's all because they fucked with India. Yeah. That's kind
of funny. Yeah. I mean, like all pretentious about their teas. But like, it's really just
like some shit they stole. Yeah. Well, that's the only like decent thing that they ended
up keeping. Yeah. You know, and also the spices thing is played out. But he is good. It's
actually really good, especially when it's cool. I heard they also have good Indian food
in England. Yeah. But it's run by Indian people that like some of the best curry in the world.
But if you type in promo code bad comedy on cool steeper club dot com, you can get tea
fresh from the East India Trading Company. And they got Kenyan black 25 percent off,
25 percent off when you put that in, maybe even 30 or 40 percent. Maybe 10 percent is
25. Well, you got to check for yourself. Yeah. Cool. Steeper club dot com. Remember, this
make this is high society, folks. What do you think the rich people drink tea? Yeah.
Yeah. Do you want to do it? Do you want to sit with them on the plantation? Yeah. And
you do. Oh, while we're here, I want to say this on the free episode because people will
know like we did a promotion this month for I don't know if you call it a promotion. It's
just we did it. It was a gift or a perk. Yeah. For our patrons where you could get a cameo
for me or Mac. So I finally did the ones that came in and I sent them out. So if you did
one year, I emailed it to you. Nobody selected. Nobody selected me. Yeah. You. Marsh did.
Yeah. So anyway, if you wanted to join, I think you still have time. I think May 1st
I put was the end date of the. Yeah. So if you want a cameo like you could say for me
or like cuss out your sister. And today I cussed out a guy's sister. It was kind of
fun. Really? Yeah. You want me or Mac to cuss somebody out in your name? Zeke Zuggler. You
can send a video to them of me being like, hey, I think your ass is too fat. You know,
the treadmill bitch. Zeke Zuggler didn't request you, did he? No, no. He didn't. He didn't
write in yet. Did Ruari Song request you? No, neither of them. I think they're mine. Those
are mine. They haven't written in. Those are my fans. Tell them to hit up the. Hey, I'll
share the form again on Patreon so people can try again. Guys, just so you know, every
once in a while I drop an Easter egg for a free month of Patreon. And a lot of you guys
missed out on it because it was after I was rambling on my own on one episode. Adam Urbanski
got it. I just want to remind you. Shout out to Adam Urbanski, but it'll only be every
once in a while that I'll do it. You never know. It could be every week. It could be.
But whenever I do those, it ends after one week. Did I tell you Adam Urbanski came over
to my place? Yes, at six. No, he did the ants. Oh, he's an exterminator. Oh, he helps with
the ant hospital. He put poison all around. He kills all the ants. He killed all the ants.
With the wild dance. Oh, did he give your aunt sepsis? No, I died from sepsis. Remember?
That might be why. And Urbanski killed my aunt. Yeah, Adam Urbanski is kind of fucked
up. Now remembering that there's a real person I'm talking about. I think I like it. I think
I like Adam Urbanski again. Nice. Oh, by the way, comedy gazelle. Ooh, you are Jerry
Hamidi. Yeah, I'm talking to Jerry Hamidi, mainly Jerry Hamid, nothing against the rest
of the comedy gazelle. But Jerry, people at the gazelle, we respect you. But Jerry, we
got to beef. Yeah, I know there's a lot of a lot of people in the gazelle. It's a huge
organization. I got beef with the founder and creator, Jerry Hamidi, because Jerry Hamidi
promised Bad Comedy Podcast that we would be featured in in an issue of the magazine
if we won the award two years in a row and we won the award two years in a row. And I
never got a date from you, Jerry. I called you. You kind of said you were busy. Dismissed
me. Wow. So Jerry, you now have 24 hours from when you're seeing this to give us a date.
How will we know when he sees it? I want to post it as a clip. OK, or else I am turning
against the comedy gazelle. I put my life on the line for the comedy gazelle just to
be left on read. Jerry, don't don't make the wrong decision. You know what happens when
you cross the bad boy? I could put him out of business. I'll start something called the
comedy brassiere. Yeah. And it would be like a comedian's wearing bras. Just make one called
the comedy gazette and just make it. Yeah. Yeah. I'll make the comedy newspaper. Yeah.
I mean, we'll just make a newspaper that'll be better than yours. And I'll just crush
you on. Yeah, we'll crush you on line, bitch. Well, I'm going to crush you individually.
Message all your followers because you're an Instagram thing. Yeah. And we'll say that
you say that you're a pure. We'll tell them the truth. But yeah, we'll tell them that
you're kind of like your Persian. That's the word. Yeah. So that is so weird that the Persians
run the media here. Yeah. The comedy media. They run the media. They book all the shows.
That's Sahar and Jamie Masada. That's wild. The Persian comedy cabal. Yeah. The Persian
comedy cabal cabal Harris. Oh, we hit an hour. How about Xerxes Xerxes? I like Xerxes. He's
running the Xenia's. Yeah, I think what if the Persians run Birdhouse out of town because
he's the only non-Persian Birdhouse is gone, isn't he? I don't know. We're talking about
Burt Haas. Everyone that's the founder of Xenia's. I think Birdhouse is like a T-shirt you'd wear
in the 90s. I think I think I think I think Bird skateboarding. I know. Yeah, that was
good. That was cool. Actually, it was super cool. World Industries, World Industries. My
first skateboard I ever had was World Industries. Yeah. And that one was a water guy and the
fire guy. Right? Yep. There's like a little water deck like that. Yeah. And also Spitfire.
There's Spitfire Fire guy. Yeah. A lot of fire guys. Yeah. My older brother gave me all his
old T-shirts. I had a bunch of skate shirts. I'm I started one of them. I had had a handgun
on it and I wore it to school and then I drew it as a part of a picture in our class and
the teacher said I had to erase it. Really? Because I was I guess I could wear a shirt
with a handgun on it, but I couldn't draw a handgun. Also, why didn't my parents step
in on that? I was in the fifth grade. I've come to school with a handgun on my shirt.
I don't know. People didn't care as much back then. No, I guess not. People always forget
that times change as events happen. Yeah. No. So I'll I'll I'll I have a gun on my shirt.
Yeah, you do. I went to school with a gun taped to my shirt and I was like, what? I
can't wear this? It's free speech. You know? Oh, now that I think about it, it might have
been that you ever see that picture of a gun that was backwards like it looks like the
hand triggers pointing this way, but the gun points back at the guy. No, it's like a suicide
gun. Oh, I think I have seen that. Yeah, it might have been that picture, which is even
crazier to wear. Yeah. Well, one last thing I never got to finish saying is, you know
that I have a lot of political ambitions, so I finally decide what I'm going to do.
I'm going to run for treasurer, a Cook County treasurer against that bitch with the fancy
jackets. Yeah, I'm going to run as a Democrat. I'm going to run as a Democrat. You know,
the only way you're going to win is if you up your fit game to compete with her. I'm
going to have to compete with her on her level. No, I'm going to have to get the tightest
fits. I'm going to do the opposite. You have to get Gucci bags. I'm going to run as a Democrat.
I'm going to pander so much as a Democrat. And then once I get in office, I'm going to
completely flip the script. And I hope this clip doesn't get out. And then I'm going to
be the most conservative treasurer we've ever had. I'm going to drop property taxes. I'm
going to make the budget work. You're going to kill homeless people. Yeah. I think that's
the move for being the most conservative person. Well, probably just you're going to close
mental hospitals, mentally ill people out on the street. Well, no, I said you said you're
going to be conservative. Let's go. Well, listen, I'm saying let's go. I'm not yelling.
I'm going to relocate them. Let's I'm going to send them food stamps. I'm going to do
kind of like what what they the Texas governor did. He would fly immigrants to the places
that were like pro open border. This is what I'm dealing with. So you just fly them in
planes and just leave them in like New York. I believe that was an amazing racist sketch.
Now he gets a bunch of people in the back of a truck and drives them somewhere. Oh, no.
Thanks. It gets back to Mexico. No, but no. Texas governor really did this. Yeah. He would
fly planes of illegal immigrants to states of governors that were like, no, the border
needs to be like open. And he's like, OK, here, see what it's like. That seems good.
Look, but what I'm going to do, I think is also an amazing racist sketch. Yeah, it is.
But it's the opposite because he's flying them up north, not turning them into ice.
Right, right, right. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to close down the mental hospitals.
Yeah. Fly them to I got an idea for you. Fly them to San Francisco and then all the poor
people fly them to San Francisco, maybe Portland. I'm going to fly them to Portland as punishment
for taking down 10 years. Can we put them on a bus? Yes. Yeah. Put them on a bunch of
short buses. Well, the people that I'm thinking like a Greyhound or a megabus sort of situation.
I'm thinking the people at the insane asylum. Let's poor people love megabus. Yeah. We'll
put all the poor people on a megabus to Portland as as revenge for taking on the Teddy Roosevelt
statue. OK. And then, yeah, all the mental people. You want to take down all these bearded
guys statues will send you a bunch of bearded guy homeless exactly. And then we'll put all
the mental people in short buses up there. I got an idea for you. Yeah. To encourage
like more traditional families, I think we should cut food stamps for single moms. So
they have to get married. Yes. They got married. More nuclear family. Yeah. You want food. You
want to keep your food stamps. You better marry your somebody. What do they call it? You better
marry a guy. They shouldn't call it a nuclear family. Yeah. It sounds like something that's
that sounds bound to explode. Scary. Not do well. Right. But we've done over an hour.
We don't know if our guests are here or not. So why haven't they buzzed? I don't know.
Maybe they're not here. All right. But folks, we love you. Remember, Patreon dot com slash
bad comedy. I'm sorry if we sounded smart earlier. That was a bit. Yeah, it was just
a joke. We were actually dumb. Really, really dumb. We don't know anything about history
or philosophy or anything. But I do know the answer to any every existential question.
So if you want to ask me anything, I know the answer. I was the mystic who told Socrates
that he was the all knowing Oracle. Yeah. Yeah. It was the Oracle. I was the Oracle.
The Oracle Adelphi. You're the poor cool. You're the poor cool. Hey, yeah, it was or Delphi
dolphin. All right, folks are dolphins. It was kind of at cool Jason Melton, Jason Melton,
Twitch Jason Melton, Jason Melton, comedy dot com Jason Melton, comedy dot com. I haven't
updated in a while, but you watch some videos of me or find my social media through their
discord. He doesn't know what it is. I have a discord. It's cool. Jason Melton, cool Jason
Melton. OK, I'm at bad comment. Oh, shit. I'm at bad boy of comedy on all platforms. Every
single one, even I think truth, truth, the truth app. I am not the Trump one loose ski.
I'm on blue sky. Find Jason at cool Jason Melton on Grindr. I'm on Grindr BFF. No. And
obviously, catch me at every comedy club in Chicago headlining most weekends. And that's
about it, folks. Thanks for coming on, Jason. Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming on
Mac. Thank you. You're welcome, Mac. And we'll catch you next week. We got a really exciting
episode next next week. And on Wednesday, we have an extra special one, but then another
special one after that. And then two times per week, we have a special episode. Join
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