Hey everybody, welcome to the bad comedy podcast. This is Matt and I'm here with Jason and what's
good? So the other week, you want to give me a V for vendetta? I just want to say the other
week, Jason was trying to say that I wasn't Chinese enough. Yeah, look at me now. I'm
a try and dude. I got a fucking I don't hang out with people who aren't Chinese enough.
Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm not. Yeah. Yeah, you should get one of these dudes. You're fat and you
sweat all the time. Hold on a second. I'm writing a memoir of a geisha. Yeah. That's
actually Japanese. Well, the fan is Japanese or Japanese don't ever dirty knees or look
at these both the fan. The fan can be both. But this is this Chinese. This can only be
Chinese. Yeah. Hell yeah. Because the Japanese use the katana. It's a little curve. It's
not as curvy as the actually skinnier than the Arab swords in the simitars. Yeah. Like
a Sorob sword would be like a would be curved. It'd be curved, but it'd be larger and not
a skinny. Yeah, which is always weird to me because it doesn't make sense. So it's not
a curve sword wouldn't have as far of a reach because it curves back. What's the point of
it? What's the point of a curved sword? The katana is apparently great for while you're
riding cavalry. Katana also a great Mortal Kombat character when you're it's very it's
good for when you're riding cavalry because sisters to Molina when you slice down it hits
people better. Shao Kahn's dogs. It's also very it's also very thin blade and it's a
it's easier to use with agility instead of like a long sword. Yeah, I'm a agile fighter.
Speaking of sisters, Megan the Stallion is a song captain hook. Who's making this? It's
not like we're playing MPR in the background until I started talking Megan the Stallion
who is speaking of Megan the Stallion today on fresh air pop rapper. We're talking to Tori
great Tori Lane Tori Lane. I like female comics. I think that we're calling Tori Lane
from prison. Hey, we're female comics. Yeah, we don't get booked enough. Hold on a second.
Oh, wait, you get booked more. I'm just being Sarah whole Megan the Stallion was dating.
How tall is she Megan the Stallion was dating that little guy who shot at her and he went
to jail. That's you know this recent pop culture story. He's five three and she's like six
foot. I think it was self defense. Just based on the heights alone. I'd assume so he shot
her in the foot which for her is a hoof. That's cold. He actually shot her in the foot but
he was pointing the gun straight out. He's just so short and only reached her foot. You
think he said when he did it he said he said we're female comics. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's
why you shot her. Yeah, shout out to Sarah Holcomb and Jamie Schreiner amazing video about
female comedians. They said that women are way better producing shows but get no cloud.
Yeah, which is very sexist. That might be true. And it just sounds like because women
are good at sort of like, you know, I know but why I'm here the house. How do they not
get cloud? They're just organized. I feel like if you say that we're out hunting in it for
the right reasons if you're looking for cloud from it. So yeah, that's a good, you know,
kind of showcase who you are. Why do they not get cloud and why are they and why are
they being cloud chasers? Shouldn't you just be happy about your show being? Yeah, good
apparently. Mm hmm. I guess I guess she's probably saying that her show she was supposed
to get more cloud and that's why she did it. Isn't a Shreiner an old man who wears one
of those little hats. Yeah. So Jamie's actually one of those. You should get her a go kart.
They used to ride go karts in the parade. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's just old guy for it.
Right. That's all it is. I think that's what it is. I want to join like a moose lodge.
Well, I want to join some I'm going to the Mason's. I'm doing some real or the Illuminati
and the Freemasons are the enemies that the Freemasons are a luminous or are they the same
are they similar? I listen to a podcast about the Freemasons. I can't remember fucking shit.
It was like I'm so boring. What about Free Jason? Yeah, seriously, Free Jason. We actually
have over. Yeah, they're doing Free Jason or Free Willy. It's the same thing. Yeah.
Because I'm a big fat whale. Nice. So. Free Willy is good. I was researching Asian stuff
and I was looking at the Japanese flag. It's just like a red circle. You know, it's just
like a red dot and I'm like, like that. Why isn't that India's flag or red dot? Yeah.
What is India's flag? They're appropriate. India's culture is basically like that. It's
like the Irish flag. Yeah, it's the Irish flag. I was about to say I made the same joke
just as you were saying. It's just I said it's just a British flag because they were
fucking whatever. They were dominated by Britain. No, I know. But it's really funny that they
became independent and it took Ireland's flag. Yeah, they became completely independent
of the British Empire and they're next to our neighbor's flag. What do you want to be
creative? Actually, India kind of dominated England too because they love tea and fucking
they have Indian food everywhere. It's like the best food you can get at England. Like
they culturally dominated and then we're talking about to you. Why don't we just say something
gets them in here? What are you drinking? Oh yeah, I'm drinking cool steeper club tea.
Oh hell yeah. Kenyan black just like Barack Obama. Nice. And yeah, go ahead. Actually,
this might be cranberry black. It's a little fruity or it's cranberry Kenyan black. I think
it takes because it takes a cranberry. Yeah. Yeah. And I go the cranberries didn't have
any black people. That's true. Yeah. They were Irish. I think going back to Ireland.
Maybe they were black Irish. Jason, where is this was where can I get my hands on some
of the cool steeper club dot com. Awesome. Any discounts? Yeah, there's a discount.
Actually, if you sign up with bad comedy, you get 25% off and it's our podcast. We
get money from that 25% off. Yeah. That's like stealing paying. That's basically free.
Your first order subscription. Yeah. Isn't that is free? It's basically free with if
you count inflation. Yeah. I've been I've been taking a lot of financial classes. It's
free. Yeah. So put in bad comedy and it's free if you count inflation from like 10
years ago. Yeah. And making money by buying. Yeah. It's an investment. We should start
like a side business so we could like side hustle. Yeah, like bad comedy, something
kind of exploiter. Like you do like a live show or something. Maybe we could do something
with all the knives we have. Like we cut your. Bring in your sandwich. We'll cut it.
We'll cut things. That would be good. And then you know that old commercial where they'd
say that's not half. It was breaking apart some kind of biscuit or something. I don't
know this commercial, but this is the ASOP's fable, right? Yeah, where there's two things
fighting over a piece of cheese and then the monkey breaks in half because it's not even
he takes a bite and then he ends up beating all the cheese. So actually, but now it's
even territory battles that have been settled by you make one person decide which what's
half the other person sets the half line. Where's this and then the other the first
person gets to decide which half they want. I don't know. Oh, that's smart. Me and Mac
were splitting like Jerry Mandarin pizza. Then Mac gets to decide. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I
always like to pick. Yeah. Yeah. So that you have to do it. Beauty. Yeah. Genius. It's
simple. Mm hmm. What I do is we actually did that with the baby is I cut a big one when
I'm the cutter and then I say, I take the big one. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, while I have
the knife instead of cutting it, I stab them and I do the whole thing. Dude, it's way smarter.
Yeah. We actually had the dispute over a baby and Solomon said cut it in half and I said,
fine, I get to cut in half and you get to pick the bigger half. Yeah. Well, my culture
we call him sovereign in. Okay. So much pizza this year. I stopped eating the crust just
at 30. I stopped eating the crust. I just stopped when I was a little kid. Right. So
how many crust particles are going to forever be part of my right? Wait, why do you hate
the crust? What's the issue? Well, just when you eat pizza in such a high amount, it's
a you know, you're just like this is just contributing to my say it again, brother.
Oh, you're trying to lose weight. So you're cutting the crust off. Well, I wouldn't say
that. What's that thing? You are losing weight. What's that thing people say that either? So
I'm gaining it. I don't want to just add on extra cross. It's not that good. Yeah. What's
that thing people say again? I was talking about for the podcast. It's not say it again.
It's like, or that's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking
about. I was like, oh, also that's what I'm talking about. Is it the same thing? So if
you respond to someone say that's what I'm talking about. I'm like, no, that's what
I'm talking about. Look who's talking to you. I'm talking about to you. Yeah. And then what
was the other one? Analyze this. Yeah, no, tell me about it. And sometimes I feel like
I'll see people. Someone's on board already. And then they say, you know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying? They'll throw in an extra, you know what I'm saying? And I
say, I don't never do that. Yeah. Well, what I do is I say, yes, I'm actually I say no,
because I'm not listening because I'm probably focused on something else. Yeah, you don't
even respond all the time. Yeah, I was watching interrogation videos and they were saying
I watched so many of those now. It's bad. You ever see the one where they're like, if
you do that, it actually indicates you're probably lying when you keep on trying to
affirm like, do you know what I mean? And like, you know, I'm saying, like you really
try to convince them to believe what you're saying. The thing is, if you just believed
it, you just be like, you wouldn't need to qualify. The thing with those videos is the
analysts, they have very conflicting things a lot of the time. So like, it can mean that
they're being truthful because they're so because they're so comfortable about saying
it, but it could be alive because they're trying to be truthful. It's like, well, okay,
I like there. I listened to you said there's no real way to know anything for sure. And
there are like, not because you can't because everyone's different really. But I mean, I
took like nonverbal and verbal communication classes in college. I think our autistic friend
Dylan would have failed that class. It's more what they're dealing with. What they have
to do is like, you have to notice a pattern of stuff with their verbal and nonverbals.
Because some people like, I'm just talking to his hands all the time. And he's Egyptian.
What a totally pointless class to take knowing that you go into the world of comedy where
everyone's autistic and nonverbals mean nothing to anybody. You know, it's like college really
doesn't prepare you for life. Yeah, the whole class on nonverbals only to find out that
in 2024, half of the people I've known in my life are autistic and can't understand
college. I'd say more like college crap crap crap. When you're a kid, you think I'm never
going to need a couch. Yeah, I will. He has fraternal instincts. Did you go? What did
you major in Tesla? Business, which is a huge mistake. You don't need a degree. Well, I
it's very bad business. But on the college, it's good business business. Tell me a degree.
There's no business like show business. I started off as a business major. But the business
school at Iowa was real tough. And I was not good at math. And they did those accounting
classes and shit. Now I was like, I don't need to learn this fake math. Like also also
stats where they give like fake like fake numbers and fake things. I'm like like imaginary
numbers. I'm never going to need this. A calculator is going to do this. So I'm just going to
take I'm just going to be a communications major, which is way easier and drink for
four years. News to graduate and then I'll just still do business with a calculator.
Communication really is business. It's not about my son told me is a communications major.
I wish you would have never communicated that. I'm happy. Yeah, I standard deviated my way
out of that major. I found out that people with the bachelor's I read a study of people
with a bachelor's degree in philosophy have more upward mobility and raises in a company
than people with the MBA. Really? Yeah, for your degree. I thought you had a bachelor's.
Um, yeah, I got a FAT. Oh, I didn't get a B. A. I got a FAT. Yeah, I got a I got a
600 pounds on the FAT. What does it matter? What does the master's score? I scored a 600
pounds. Masters qualifies you to get some jobs over others. Um, it qualifies you to have
slaves qualifies you to look like a dumb ass in my opinion. And then what's let's do more
of this. CFA's or accounts, right? Tax accounts. I don't know. Yeah. I think those are professional
CPU that's computer processing and then CP is HTML. That's hypertext. CP is something
that Jeff Asma swatches. I did a good joke. There was a guy at the open mic who had cerebral
palsy. Yeah, but be careful on the free episode. I was gonna. Well, I said I'm so relieved that
he had cerebral palsy because when I heard the next comedian had CP, I thought we were
gonna have to call the police. I talked to that guy was cool. He drove. He was great.
He drove down from like, uh, Milwaukee to see the like, yeah, well, he was said he was
doing another show too. Yeah, he goes around. He was doing the improv in Milwaukee and he
said he talked to him for a while. I thought he was saying that his name was Sarah and
he was a fan of Halsey at the singer. I had no idea he was used. Uh, our word is I thought
he was talking about cooking and he had a new kind of parsley called cerebral parsley.
What about like cerebral? That sounds good. Like, is that good with pasta? Yeah, I never
understood parsley. What? But like, I don't think I don't think restaurants do that much
anymore, but I remember when I was younger, they would always put a piece of parsley.
Oh, yeah. Even like on the side of like a grilled cheese when I go to dinner. Yeah, that's
a decoration, but there are some cooking purposes for it. Yeah. It makes your food kind of tastes
like fresh. But can we say that parsley is the most pointless bullshit of all time on
the plate like that? Yes. As a plate ornament, what? And it would be a nice place either.
It's like, no, it's only a shitty. Yeah, it'd be 24 hour Greek diners. Yeah. Greek diners.
Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. But those places rule where I grew up. There was three
24 hour Greek diners and we would drink coffee all night every night. Yeah. And I would not
go to school. That's awesome. Yeah. I would fight my parents every morning because I'd
be so tired from staying up all night. Why didn't you get drunk? This is when I would
get drunk too. Whenever, but we were 16 17. So it was like booze wasn't easy to get when
I was 13, baby. We had to get a run and party and ever since I started drinking when I was
14. First drink. Well, that means I'm cool with it. And started smoking when I was 14.
As well. I started smoking cigarettes at age 14. I started with black and mild. I never
stopped. I used to smoke like a pack of black and mild today for four black and mild today.
I should be dead. So it's a lot of black and milds. I drink the wine wood tip. Yeah. I honestly
those started one. I was like, let me get a wham wood tip. The ones that were like flavored
started making me sick. Yes, I just had to get the straight up. But but it's funny. It's
funny the route I took with cigarettes because I thought I was a full cigarette smoker until
I started vaping. And I started with Newport 100s because I was black for two years of
high school. Yeah, I started with Newport 100s, which is the harshest cigarette you can
really get. Those are pretty rough. And so I threw myself from the fire like the first
time I hit one of those smoked one of those I thought I was like hammered. It was crazy.
But then I would yeah, I was drunk the first time I smoked and I got that head rush where
you feel like you're traveling through time. It's like when the Millennium Falcon and all
the stars come forward like you're like smoking a sick and you're like, Oh, my God. But then
when I was when I was the process of transitioning from black back to white, I switched to Marlboro
Menthol lights. Sorry, Marlboro Menthol normals. I spoke a lot of when I was white. My favorite
mental brand was cool with the K. Yeah. And then I and then when I was white, I started
smoking Marlboro Reds, the cowboy six. And then I went down to camel blues. I smoked
reds because there were there are lights. They were real. Huh? I said, I like Jason's
more. It was real. What was mine? You smoke four packs a day. It's not a real no, no,
four. I was smoking six at eight. I didn't say I didn't say I didn't say I didn't say
I smoked four black amounts a day. A pack of black miles is four. You got to smoke the
whole pack for a pack of black miles a day. I six I smoked a pack a day. Number 27. This
is my brand, but I would get whatever the buy one get one free was in Indiana. They
were three 25 when I started smoking. Yeah. So I would just take my lunch money and they
are always expensive in like a like an anorexic girl. But there is an Eastern European kid
that went to my school that would sell cigarettes that he would get shipped him from Albania.
This is making you want to smoke. We're going to get so banned on YouTube. I don't even think
they like you talking about this shit. It'd be five dollars flat per pack. Yeah. And when
they would normally be like nine bucks at the store plus you had to try to get to the
store. I told myself if six got above five bucks, I would quit and I did. Yeah. No, in
Indiana, there's still like five 50. Oh, they're cheap down there. Yeah. So it's like, if I
would have said if six bucks and I'll quit, I'd still be smoking. Have you guys seen what
the Cook County Treasurer looks like? What's that mean? Have you seen what the Cook County
Treasurer looks like? I'll grab one. I don't know what that is. The treasurer for the county,
the one who charges the property taxes and everything. Can I have one? The one who has
all of our tax money. I hear what you're saying, but I don't I don't know who that is. You're
going to pull the pick. I'm going to actually I'm going to do a cool thing where I should
get a cigarette sponsor. So what I'm going to do is we talk about smoking. Yeah. So one
day for Jason for all of these and I'm also going to give you guys Christmas gifts and
a few things. They got no nicotine. I'm not addicted. So I don't mind giving them out because
it's not like a yeah, I know you're not like I'm fiending for him. Yeah. But then whenever
I see people asking for six and bum and six of this thing, yikes, just because a little
tax that you got just to be social. So it's wild. How comfortable people are asking to
hit this like 100 times in a night. It's wild. It's like what what is your problem? Just buy
one. And I'm talking to you dendo. Seymour. I'm talking to you, both my brothers. I'm
talking to you, Nura. Why do you think that that's okay? You understand when you're hitting
it that's less for me. And if there's not a store nearby, I have to buy these out of
the county. So I have to drive. That's how you all get COVID put your mouth out that
so don't ask me to hit my vape. Okay. Yeah, ever again. Do you know what I found out the
vapes are actually made out of? What bats from a wet market? That's why everyone got
COVID because they're smoking vapes too much. I was trying to quit bad. You can't talk about
that word. Oh, wait a minute. I did. I said Stovid. Oh, Krovin Krovin. This is the bird
flu Krovin. We're bullshitters. This episode is fucked for YouTube. I'm sorry. It's fine.
I don't think you're supposed to talk about tobacco either because I might twist your
hands and shit anymore. There's too many things for real. I honestly started thinking was it
has it been the only thing you're allowed to talk about is how women don't get booked
enough and come. We're working on we get more per capita than males. That should be the
video so much more per capita. Let's get that per capita number. Let's do the real math
there and then unless you're really unless you're really bad like we should look we should
add up everyone. I'll do my followers. Add up all the male comics I have and female comic
we'll do the no show. Somebody did that. They posted published in the reader. What are you
talking to Joe about as long time ago. There's it was a woman who made the article and the
stats were completely bullshit and they said it was like men were getting booked way more.
Oh my but they but they base it on the idea that half the people in the comedy scene were
women which is just not true. It's like no it didn't do per capita. I guess you guys
are real quick. The people that people can see this published it because they're unscrupulous
just math. You can't get mad at us for math. Guys look at this. Sorry it's on the screen
so this is the Cook County treasurer. This is the woman who or who's doubled my tax bill
by property tax bill since I moved in three years ago. None of our patrons have no but
also all the other all the other tax losing people. This is all. We lost people. Nobody
has losses. These are all the taxes but it gets us money. It's an ad. It does. It's never
gotten us money. Shut up. Listen to me. Listen to me. This is not just property taxes. This
lady is it's all taxes. Their county go to her cigarette tax is anything. Look at what
she's wearing. She buys these designer jackets with it. Cool. I'm going to run. I'm going
to vote for her. She didn't find that on the bus. Unless you start dressing like that.
I'm not voting for you. This is the definition of Cook County. This right here and she's
been the fucking. I'm sorry to tell you this Mac but I'm going to vote for her over you
and let you start wearing that hat. Don't don't escape from OBS please. Okay. If you
don't wear a fuzzy hat like that I don't even want to come on the podcast. If you're the
church send me that picture I want to dress like that. I'll show it to you later. What's
her name. How to add to Maria. Papis or who Papis is a cool name. It's a Greek. I used
to know a girl in elementary school named Mindy Papis. Shout out to Mindy wherever you are
Mindy. I hope you're doing good. I don't when I was in the first grade I had a crush on
Stephanie Felker Robertson. You were playing a game. I don't have a crush on Stephanie
Robertson. I prefer the doors to the Ramon. We're in anyway. I had a crush on Stephanie
Felker and we were playing the game in indoor recess and then you asked to play and Stephanie
said yes and in my head I wanted to say no but I knew that there was that was just you
know recess kind of ruled. No it doesn't show recess. It did in my school. Tell me why.
Because they had this cool like those. It's like a plastic thing. It's not a skateboard
thing but would you go to the gym. There is like four little wheels on the bottom like
like like a little wheels like that. Yeah. It's like a square and you just sit on it.
Because you go to the gym. Yeah. You just square. For indoor recess you go to the gym.
A lot of schools have too many kids to go to the gym so they have to stay in their classroom
like we did and that sucked. I worked as a recess monitor for four years. I'm sort of
an expert in this area. Okay. What are those called. Okay. Reses monitor. Those things that
you those things wheels on them. I actually don't know. I know exactly what you're talking
about. We had them too. Jeff Asimus definitely knows. Yeah. Me and Jeff work together and
the Abramson worked at that job too actually. Oh weird. Another person that I might suspect
of Jeff Asimus crime. Well some black. I don't know why if you if you wanted to be more approachable
to children. Why does he have that mustache. No. He should look younger. No. It's because
he doesn't have that mustache. It makes him look older. He's trying to look black. Children
don't relate with him. No. You don't know why he doesn't fake mustache all the time.
It's because when he's doing this of the kids. Yeah. He doesn't have mustache on and he
puts on for disguise. I thought it was because he was trying to trick Chinese social credit
face sensors. No. It's so when he's in a lineup they're like he didn't have a mustache. Yeah.
It can't be him. Every lineup needs a mustache guy and a bearded lady. Who was that guy with
cerebral palsy who came to the mic. He was cool. I forgot his name. We should have him
play Tom Ryan in a game of operation. It'd be like on ice. Tom Ryan versus
Stephen Hawking. Speaking of Tom Ryan go to patreon.com slash bad comedy for all guest
episodes that have ever been made. Dylan hates ads. I just we're costing ourselves the future.
People aren't turning off. And then Dylan every time you do that it causes this which
is non content. I thought maybe it could be a charming recurring bit. I always ruin the
ads. No it's not charming. It's it's it's harming. It's her it's harming. Yeah. It's
her ads. But guys check out all the guest episodes in every episode that was made for
for about two years before we put anything public on patreon.com slash bad comedy. And
then also if you join you'll be a member of an exclusive club. An army of baddies. It's
kind of when you would never be a part of any club that would have me as a member. Yeah.
Exactly. So I want to get invited on Aaron Chase's podcast. Yeah that's a good part.
Should we do Aaron Chase's podcast. We should as a team. Or let's tell you. I'll tell you
the type of club I want to be a part of a club soda. Nice. I don't drink alcohol. So
I like a nice club soda at the bar. If Aaron Chase would put himself on video during it
then you ever go to the soda. You ever go to the soda farm play Jackson and stuff like
that. Good. Yeah. I'll take my date there. I'll say give me a milkshake. Two straws.
Nice. Yeah. Exactly. Milkshakes. I feel like a milkshake is the thing that makes people
fat. Did you see Tyler Fowler. Is it melted ice cream that you're drinking. Yeah. It's
like can I get dairy but thicker. That's what it's a dairy. Back from always Sony said
he drank ice cream to get fat. Bodybuilders will drink ice cream to bulk up sometimes.
Yeah. It's just a little bit probably with protein powder in there. Yeah. Did you see
Tyler Fowler like ordered a milkshake when he was sitting with some guy and they came
back and gave him one with two straws. No that's hilarious. Yeah. He was like they thought
I was gay. That's a vibe. He's not. He's not one of his bits or is that real. If you
post on like a story he's not gay. I was not having to make Pandia were gay. I thought
he was I saw him having sex in the bathroom of CG's. Well they actually have a third
now they have a they have a woman of color. Yeah. Team US. Yeah. So what's banded they're
more diverse now. They're the business comics. They sure as not team us. You got to respect
the is it. Oh I thought it was team US forever than someone clarified to me that is team
us. I refuse to believe how about team you. Let's be team them. Yeah. Team you. Team they
them. Team they them. The future is not binary folks. You really want us. Get out of your
head. The gopuff things here. I'm going to go get it. Go puff. This is not an ad for
go. Salting. Yeah. Well puff is kind of what my belly has been doing. Yeah. Eating donuts
and you guys don't get go puff. Don't get go puff unless unless go pop. Unless unless
you know let's go puff. Let's go puff wants to give us money unless it's a magic dragon.
I'm not puffing it. Yeah. Unless it's paint. Dude. I I I have I have a pain thinner before
and I was at a party. Everyone was super fucked up and then I was walking around with the
pain thinner can just huffing in being like thinner thinner chicken dinner. Thank you.
Not like anyone want to hit this. You know some people did. Pain thinner. What is Jason
Huff right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry how he got that way. He orders milkshakes extra thick.
Andy Warhol tried to make a Jason thing. He ran out of pain because he was only trying
to make just one version of him. And it's sad. You know you want to try to make a statue
for Warhol sounds like a chemical alcohol or a piece. I wonder what the what's the chemical
that's in paint thinner. It's probably so like Andy. It's probably called Andy Warhol.
It's kind of paint. Yeah. So we're saying that we're talking about huffing paint thinner
Jason and then thinking what is Jason Huff paint thicker. Yeah. You've huff paint thicker
because I have paint thinner or you know it's kind of funny. So you have a thicker.
Hold on. Let me kiss my breath. Yeah. We need it when Dale walks up those stairs. It's
about 20 minutes. So it's his breath. How was Dale doing. I think he's mad at me still
from the live show. Oh he was so mad about that. We've texted because he he I was like
super busy on the Monday when he had that mic and he posted like this is last night
bartending in it. Oh really. I texted him but I guess he's not doing Mondays anymore.
Oh it's the last night. He was probably just doing that as a lie to get people out. Joey
Diaz made fun of Tom Segura for doing a Sunday show. He said put that in your contract. I'm
not a fucking loser. I'm not doing Sunday shows. What you just add a list. I don't like
Joey Diaz at all. I think he's a compulsive liar. You think so because like the master
bullshitters they will trick you. Yeah. I think it's a real story. I think he's a compulsive
liar. I hate I still my friend I guess. I'm not going to name him but he's a compulsive
liar all of college and call him out all like. No. You guys don't know. He's only friend
of yours that I know from like before the podcast. Yeah. Well you've got my roommate Jack Walsh
probably before I know Joe Walsh. You guys ever. Yeah. Last being good to me. Yeah.
Well. Well. That's a really good song. Actually like do you I feel like are you guys more one
liner or storyteller comics. Neither. I'm somewhere in the middle. I can see myself
like a kind of truth teller. Yeah. Yeah. Not a bullshitter like Joe Diaz. Yeah. What I
say is yeah if I'm talking to Joey Diaz I say you can't bullshit a bullshitter. Yeah.
I don't lie. I just buy this bullshit. I don't like can't. Appreciate that. Yeah. I don't
like being labeled you know just kind of put me in a box as an artist. Yeah. Kind of going
to break the box. I mean I don't do the one line. I mean my jokes are normally like two
minutes long. There's not enough time for a story. It's tough because it is funny or
when it's a longer story. Well it depends. It's got to be really good. Yeah. Or else
it's a waste of everyone's time. You guys see my clip I shared of Norm. I don't I'll
see it at some point and I'll like all your posts. I don't because I'm too busy. I'm too
busy making content. Who's Norm. Who's Norm. He's he's it's about co-parenting. It's on
my Facebook so you can check that out. That's a guy that's a guy that. Oh yeah let's do
some ads for Dylan's Facebook. That's the guy that sounds like Jason right. Love water
and it's free. Why does it why does Norm. Let's do some ads for water now. Just need
a simple hydrogen and oxygen. Responsible water everybody. Yeah. Make sure you. Check
out. We were sponsored by boss water. Talk to the. By getting free boss water. Drink
it while you can. I believe there is a massive flood about 12,000 years ago that washed away
and kind of covered up the ancient civilization that was far more advanced than us. No that
never happened. I believe it happened. It's not even show me the article show me the article
from MSNBC or Fox News. Somebody had to do this joke is God like the ultimate like school
shooter. Yeah. Like he told like no and not to go to school the next day. And then he
flooded the earth. That's pretty good. He should do that. Has that been done. I think
in high school one time I said it feels like it would have been done. No. That's awesome.
And until you see it or someone points it out and you just do you think natural disasters
now natural disasters are just like popular like population control kind of. God was a
school flutter but he was trying to control the population. I think I said that in history
class to a teacher is like I was like do you think that natural disasters are just kind
of like God's like population control or something. I feel like I was like no. They
would want to beat God's in a way. So it makes sense. I'm kind of a God. I'm kind of a God.
God is kind of a narcissist. I'm kind of I'm kind of a God but I don't have a complex.
I've got I've got simple. It's not that complex. I just am God. Yeah. So to be complex. There's
nothing complex about it. I don't have shooter tendencies. Well we're talking about God is
he's kind of the biggest school shooter of all time. He's a school flutter. Yeah. And
that's you know I never liked school so I don't give a shit. Yeah. That's true. But
amen. But maybe not school shooter. Maybe I mean because more of it kills a bunch of
people. What about Santa Claus. He's kind of got a hit list. He checks it twice. He's
always like you're naughty. I'm naughty. And then he puts a stick on it lays back.
I can't. I was always emotional going through that.
Reliving the nightmare of discovering that Christmas is not real really. And we just
got past holiday season. But it's obvious. It's more it's more real than the Kwanzaa.
Well yeah it's been named one person that celebrates Kwanzaa.
Zach O'Ryan. Yeah. Okay. You got me pretty easy actually. Okay. Name two people. I believe
Joe Biden celebrates it but he doesn't know what he's celebrating. Yeah. We honestly just
put a party hat on him and tell him it's his birthday. Yeah. I mean people are really quick
to have these examples. Things they do to wait. Can I make a holiday. Can we just make
holidays and if enough people like follow along with it then it could be a thing. I'll do it.
I'll do it. We can get it started. I'll do it. Let's get it started in here. You should
have a Crohn's Awareness Day. That's the best thing you can get from Crohn's. And everyone
that has Crohn's gets a day off to take a vacation. I like this idea. Crohn's holiday.
They only celebrate the awareness. What's going to be some of the traditions. Like who
started to teach people about the suffering and the dire consequences and it's completely
undeserved. Real. You get a bush. You get a bush. You decorate it with toilet paper.
And you just get it in your 20s for some reason normally and like you do it for no reason.
You sit on the toilet for four hours. The traditional food is broth and jello. Very
stuff that doesn't agitate your belly. You're literally not supposed to eat vegetables.
Yeah. Yeah. You're supposed to eat like fibers. Fiberous and like hard vegetables I guess.
I just remember my brother would get sick and then he'd go to the hospital and they
would just give him broth and jello. That was all he would eat. Well I was thinking about
it. I mean you can eat a lot of food but they just don't want you to eat food that's tough
for your body to break down. So I just. This was like during a crazy flare up where he
was hostile. He's like literally on an IV and stuff. Yeah. So I just eat a bunch of pizza.
You think like drinking soda is good for you because it probably kills everything that
encounters. Yeah dude. Coca-Cola. If it's besides for your teeth. But it might just. It takes
down all the posters that the germs put up on your belly's wall. Yeah. That's good.
Coca-Cola. What about that peel off the Jason. You kind of look like that. That guy from
the next commercial that big booger. Hey leave me alone. They should they should sue Shrek.
The next. Yeah I don't know which game first. I don't know. Yeah it's kind of chicken in
the egg thing. You know. There's somebody else who used to call them you said next
booger. I'm having trouble remembering what what. What about Dick. It's like Sam Dick in
the egg. You know who does the voice for the music next commercial is TJ Miller. I thought
it was TJ Max. So in the in the post people have accused Sam Taylor and sounded like TJ
Miller. Yeah. But he stole that from him. Yeah. So maybe he should be the music. Oh.
Wait. Shout out to Sam friend of the. Yeah I forgot. I'm so used to him being in me. That's
tough for me to. I'm looking out for Sam. He posted a picture on an Instagram of some
animal spine out in the desert and I sent a message. Be careful Sam. Sam I like you. I'm
looking out for Sam. Sam I like you except for that you sent Robbie Flanagan upstairs
to get people to leave. We don't know. We don't know. Do you know that. What. We think
he did right. Well you said he winked on the way to Rob. Well he. So everyone's leaving
and I wait around because I'm just going to say bye. And honestly I was ready to leave.
I'd been there for hours. Yeah we were there for a long time and then Sam goes I didn't
tell anybody to leave. The thing is I just everyone had already left. They kicked everyone
out. The thing is I didn't know what I was going to do next. So I just left because I
didn't want to be rude. Yeah they had to get rid of everything so they had to get rid of
everybody so Nishad Barrow could come up there and tell me my idea for Frazier two is bad.
Fuck you Nishad. It's a good idea. Yeah Frazier two is going to be sweet. He's pregnant Nishad
Barrow that idea. Yeah. I fail at making it. There's a Dan joke steel mo and Nishad Barrow
yo joke. Yeah. Yeah. How about how about Nishad Burrows and his brothers with Nate Burrows.
Anyway yeah so anyway Dan Dan the man of steel shortly after Sam told me you know I was
the Dan of steel the Dan of super Dan super Dan the Dan of steel the Dan of steel. He
had the Dan of steel. You can steal jokes faster than a train. Dude we should spend months
making a movie that's super Dan Dan is like a full like a full feature film. That would
be awesome. Yeah. Like it'd be like exactly like a man in a 60s and like having a fight
scene that destroys New York. Yeah. Yeah. He steals all these jokes. Some of us a good
guy and then Lex Luthor is trying to get jokes back to the people or it after he says Superman
would be like super non binary person. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Super well super super
Dan super Dan Dan super they super they and they're super they they wrote how about he
the super Dan and he just he like kills people who misgender them. How about they how about
they for Dan help you. Yeah. Just he can see his X-ray vision can see through these V for
Dan Veta. That's good. What's up with all these for some of those peruvian comics on
the scene being creepy like a coolio and if I had if I had he wants he wants to follow
him. He wants to put him on the line and he can tell his story. I think everyone should
have a way to save. He said he's going through. So shout out to Fahad. He asked us to come
on the podcast and tell his side of the story. He's been banned from many open mics. I don't
know what's happened. I'm not I haven't been a part of banning him. I guess he doesn't come
to my open mic because somebody at my open mic wanted to fight him over this. But but
he threw so you think you've been threatened to fight Joe though. So he's scared. He's
scared to fight this person. I think I think the messages that someone shared with us that
was about him threatening them. Bond Trigger wanted to fight him. But he deleted all those
messages. He did Adam Crescietti really bonded Adam Crescietti threatened Dan and then deleted
all his messages. That's why screenshots are key because. Oh and their screenshot. All
right. So I read them. So someone that sounds like Lotus. I screen shot everything. I think
Bond Trigger was like hey buddy get out of get off of my turf. I'm the creep around here.
Shout out to all the slow girls in the comedy. Yeah. I'm the only creep in these. Shout out
to the girls with downs. I want to get the extra attention. Yeah. The girls with downs
who are trying to get down. She was she was trying to nag you last night which is whoa
whoa whoa whoa. Careful. Yeah. I don't know if Michael Robinson gave you the past. Yeah
I am the past. I could I could say nagged us three combined can give someone the past.
Hey I want to finish this. What about the girl past. What is that. Is if you had the
first present second part. I just want to finish that thought about Sam T. before we
move on after Sam the guy came up he kicked everyone out and then Sam said to me oh I
didn't kick anyone out you could stay and then I saw Sam look over at him and give
him kind of like a knowing nod. Yeah. Just being like don't fuck this up. I think it
was kind of like you did. We made this. We did this perfectly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And
he he loved doing that to you right there too. What. Just being like I'm lying to your
face right now. I think he was cool with me staying but he was definitely lying. Yeah.
So I gave him a ride to the hotel at the other night and he's like you're always invited.
Oh no that's like he's at like a fucking Italian mob. No but that almost makes it sound like
some people aren't. Yeah. It makes it like you just wanted me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And
I held I held a knife up to his throne. I said I go where I want anyway. Yeah. I thought
about the body. Hey Sam I don't need your invitation. Sam I want to know if the purpose
in the green room is any Sam I want to know if the you having Robbie Flanagan if I would
tell a military school with tell people to leave the green room if you're not on the
show was because you just want me to leave. It would have been cool if Alex London was
here. I think it was just too cost. It was just a night. Yeah. Too many extra people.
There was a lot of people out there. No. Mixing these guys up. Alex Luchin Nathan Lund though
that's the combo. I mean yeah but if you just add a better thing long to combo than pretzel
and cheese. I mean that might have been the that might have been the coolest green room
I've been in like my heroes Luchin and yeah but if we just had those two on the pod Sam
Taylor it's way funnier for a name. Nathan Lund. Yeah. It's cool you got to meet Lund.
I know I was like oh my gosh. But you were star struck. So if we had those two right
here. If we had those two here that's a better hang. Yeah Sam Talent the more I hear about
them the less I like the guy. I keep asking Nathan to write a book. I won't lose him.
Sam Talent is a manipulator or he pretends to be your friend one moment he back stabs
you the next moment. He has Robbie playing kick out of the green room. He's a climber.
He's climbed his way out of the Joe Rogan podcast and then fell down and so that's why
he didn't fall down. We have a direct connection with the Joe Rogan podcast so we intended
to be my friend. Am I crazy or I think Joe Rogan has a small head. And I think he's
a small guy. Oh Brandon's walking up. I'm a tiny man. Nope. We need to do more time.
What are we at. That's kind of a numbers conversation. Well because he has to leave on the history
of early like always. So we got to do 16 and a half more minutes. OK. Well it's he's a
grand as early as I'll let him up. We can go. Tell my HBO Max. OK. My issue should be
a Mac. So this is HBO. I said on stage Mac history month folks. Let me tell you a little
about my past. And then I did the 9 11 joke. So this is all just kind of off of riffing
on stage. So I said I said right off the bat. I was like oh this is you guys haven't seen
me around. I've I've been going. I've been busy with work. I go door to door and knock
on different doors because I went to this Jay Z concert. I'm a hovis witness now. And
I said just kidding. I've been studying to renew my stock license because I want to be
a stock broker again. Have you ever. And then I was like let me. I was like reason I'm doing
this is is well it's back history month. I'll tell you a little bit about my background.
And I did the 9 11 joke with the Del Vante tag. So you have a good credit score out.
That was the first set I've done in a long long time and a crush. So have you ever heard
of the you sit down with Jay Z at dinner or you take 500 K. So is the wisdom that he could
give you in that dinner. No I would take the money in this instant. And I heard people
say if you did the lunch then he would just say you're so dumb for not taking the money
the whole time. Yeah. It's a try about Nathan lunch. I think
I think Brandon. I think I'm going to free. I think if I went to dinner with Jay Z then
I would get more retarded. Yeah. I don't respect Jay Z ever since he
backed down to Beyonce when she wrote lemonade. He didn't. He kind of pussied out. I thought
he was like a cool like badass. No he's not gangster. Do people think he's a genius or
something. Why is that even a question. I'm not a business man. I'm a business man.
Yeah. Because he's the question he proposed was a half million dollars in dinner with
Jay Z. Half million dollars in a second I would take.
And some people would say you want to get this. What would it would knowledge is he
had. I would spend a half million dollars. He would say to you.
Do whatever is best for his family. He said don't be a businessman. Be a business.
I want to tell Jay Z to his face. I didn't like that OJ song. Why are you telling people
to invest in paintings. Dumb as hell dude. I like where you're going to buy.
What good does that do anybody. So I discovered that Gucci main doesn't you
say Gucci man La Flair La Flair. He doesn't say that anymore. So it's still his Instagram
name I think. Oh really. But he doesn't say it in the songs. He's always say it. So I
like Gucci man La Flair is pre pre prison Gucci fat Gucci.
Oh I like fat Gucci main. I'm a huge fan of fat Gucci main but I still like Gucci.
But you don't like his clone. I like Gucci main La Flair. Yeah.
I like Gucci man La Flair a lot more. They clone Gucci main Tyrone.
Uh huh. Yeah. That's so funny that that's actually a real thing. A real like conspiracy.
Yeah. They got brought up. You know it's crazy though.
That's Kelly Robinson. They really do look way different though. Like pre and post jail
like Gucci main looks like a different person. Like yeah he does to me. Oh dude. Like fat
Gucci main versus like he came out of jail like jacked and like in shape and he looks
great and he like doesn't rap about lean anymore and stuff. Can you imagine how terrifying
just like Tyson coming out of prison must have been.
Does that show is our ribbon. He should do comedy. Yeah. Um my Tyson should do comedy.
But no but it's kind of funny like a guy afraid to box him or fight him and it's like you
should see what he do if you're a woman. You're gonna hear something wild.
I don't know what. Yeah I mean there's like a you can knock you out.
That case is weird because I think a lot of people don't believe it and they just like
Mike Tyson is not canceled. Like he's just around. Kelly Robinson is a DJ and he like
he like opened or DJed for David Allen Coe. Oh wow.
Did you see the thing Michael Myers posted. And David Allen Coe is like wildly sorry real
quick that David Allen Coe is like known for being at least at least now like wild. No
one knows. I don't know. I think he's a country guy who Mack likes.
He is extremely famous and Brandon will know who he is. One time I served coffee to David
Schwimmer. I mean just look up who he is. You know David Schwimmer wrote the song.
No but but I guess Kelly said he walked in the thing and they warned him like David like
might be a little bit like he's a pocket or races. Hey man. He's a little David Allen
Coe. It turned out new people. Turn out he's a super cool guy.
How about David Allen Crow. David Brian Crow.
Go in and have someone say that about you and then have to explain who you are at the
same time. Hey man that guy was a little racist. I mean he's also a country because you don't
know like any musicians or anything. Doesn't mean that the rest of the world doesn't know
who these people are. Like you can look up who he is.
Dude you could tell by looking at Dylan he knows who Eminem is.
Yeah. I'm not even one of my beanie. You don't know any movies or any music. You don't know
anything so just because you don't know it doesn't mean that other people don't know
anything. Yeah but Jason doesn't know it and he knows a lot of music.
He just knows rap. I don't listen to country.
You too is a public background. I like some of that old stuff.
It's not a rap podcast. I like some of that old country music like all my rowdy friends.
Yeah. That kind of shit. That's Hank Williams Jr.
Yeah. You do listen to country rap. I always forget which Hank Williams I like and which
ones I don't. It's only Hank. It's only Hank Williams Jr.
What about Hank the third. I remember I listened to a lot of outlaw country when I worked in
the kitchen. The you know you would always play outlaw country.
You probably never really listened to Hank Williams Sr. much because his was even though
he's like the godfather of it. Yeah. He kind of gave birth to it wasn't really outlaw
himself. I don't like pop country and shit.
Yeah. No. Hey that shit.
I like a Badonkadonk song though. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.
That's a good one. Yeah.
Oh I like Red Solo Cup. I feel you up.
Let's have a party. Yeah. I like the Red Solo Cup song.
I don't like the low place. The song.
I like the song. It didn't tell me Keith write a song like that was anti-terrorist after
9 11. That song is amazing.
That's cool.
The oceanally moved by this song.
No. There was so much trash.
In between episodes. It's so funny.
It's like.
That was a thing. He's like he money.
He's like I'll kick your fucking ass.
He's like I have something to say in Taliban like a shoot a rocket up a camel's ass something
like that.
If 9 11 happened now just imagine what all social media would look like even when I was
a kid it was like we'd have to write letters or make projects about it.
Yeah.
And it's like you don't have to make it about 9 11 but that's the easy a what would have
been 311 happened again.
I'd be like not I wasn't allowed to listen to this.
I wasn't allowed to write my pen pal Osama bin Laden after 9 11.
No.
I do.
I do like the restaurant Osama bin ladle.
Yeah.
Osama bin ladle.
Sometimes I have a good soup.
I have twitch emotes Osama bin ladle on my twitch stream.
Nice.
I made like a little icon at Osama bin Laden's head with a ladle coming down.
I want to hop on your streams.
I never know what's your schedule.
Basically have only been doing Fridays at six but I'm going to do it more.
Okay so I've been talking to somebody who knows about twitch and they're going to help
me if I want to hop on or tell Benjy to hop on because he likes twitch.
Yeah.
So Friday is the one that you always do.
Friday is the one I always do.
It's a root beer Friday stream.
Okay.
6 to 7 p.m. Central time.
Okay.
So you crack a ice cold root beer.
That's another thing too.
What about menstrual time?
Shield it.
I just talked to them.
Menstrual time.
Uh menstrual time.
6 to 7 menstrual time.
I'll probably be headline on Instagram live again soon on cocaine.
Same things I said.
Starting cocaine on camera.
Yeah.
Were you doing that?
I did.
No.
Have you ever done cocaine?
Yeah.
Couple times and I almost died on this podcast.
Oh wait a minute.
Now it's here right?
Yeah.
I've never tried cocaine.
I've never tried it.
And it was my fault.
Really?
It was my fault for him not having a soiling.
I used to have a friend who would do it a lot and then he would corner me and talk about
how women shouldn't have jobs and that's the problem with society.
And I was like I'm never going to do this drug.
I haven't done it in a while.
The whole problem with society is that women used to stay home and raise the kids and now
they don't.
Yeah.
Well it's like they can work on their own.
It's like giving women jobs.
Yeah.
The cost benefit of cocaine is very low or very bad.
It's so expensive and it goes away every 30 minutes and you have to do more.
And it's not worth it.
DMT though.
This guy was talking about DMT.
You better just take a pill.
Yeah.
On DMT on TMZ all I see is stars.
They don't cover Hitler.
That's Paul Wolleyeric, very level five.
What I want is some Purvitan.
I'm on DMT on TMZ.
All I see is stars.
This is a different dimension of comedy.
He has no Purvitan?
No.
Purvitan?
Purvitan is what the Nazis were required to take.
Purvitan?
No, I don't know.
It's a pill.
It's essentially...
Sounds like the city I destroyed Targinton.
It's essentially Adderall mixed with Xanax mixed with Vicodin.
So it's a pain killer.
Why Vicodin?
So for pain.
My friend who's in the military said they put salt peter in their food so they can never
get boners.
They put the wolf in the National Guard and you just eat the food that you get from the
military that makes you not horny.
I think there's this stuff called...
That's scary to me.
Purvitan was the reason they were able to take over France so fast because they would
be able to march for days on end without sleeping.
That combined with the fact that French are pussies.
And then also there's Xanax...
Fuck you, French!
There's a Xanax type of thing, an anti-exotic thing that would make you not feel bad about
killing people as much.
And a pain thing so you can take more bullets right down.
I think Razor Ramon was on all these drugs as well.
I heard Hitler was...
He took the stuff Lucca dill or something like that and it was like cocaine mixed with
amphetamine and he took a bunch of it and he was on the way to meet Mussolini and then
he was feeling so good he said give me another one.
And then he took that to the veins.
He did a lot of drugs.
He just talked the whole time and Italy didn't leave helping them or something.
I was like wow.
I just watched...
Wait was that Mussolini or Stalin?
Because I remember they were kind of pals prior to something.
No it was Mussolini but I feel like that must have been an awkward friendship rivalry.
I just watched the first Wonder Woman because I love women and I never sexually assault them.
I also love women.
We obviously all know that in everyone that was that.
If anyone were to say that I would get into a big incident with that.
Especially if it was like a slow go.
And completely prove them wrong.
And I'd call someone that they claimed that they told them about it and they didn't tell them about it.
But anyway, World War I, she's fighting some guy and he's...
It takes place during World War I.
He keeps cracking open this powder and sniffing it and makes them strong and good at fighting
so he could fight Wonder Woman.
Really?
Yeah, it's pretty fucking sweet.
Well I mean they actually had that in World War II.
This is World War I though.
Interesting.
They're probably conflating this shit.
I think they gave...
I think Hitler gave Purvitan to the Japanese as well.
Nice.
Dude, I love that podcast about the Japanese.
Dude, yeah.
Parkour history.
I think I might...
I might get his Patreon or better.
I think I might too, yeah.
I've been meaning to.
He doesn't have Patreon.
You have to buy the episodes individually off his website.
I think there's a Patreon at the end of this...
I was listening to this Viking one.
At the end of it they said it was Patreon.
I do one so...
Yeah, shout out to Harcourt History.
The free Viking one is really good.
Yeah, I listened to all the Viking ones.
I didn't really get it.
Have you ever seen that?
There's so many different guys.
Yeah, it was hard to follow.
There was a couple interesting stories but I felt like it was too vague.
It wasn't like the World War II ones that are really detailed.
Yeah.
You could just watch something else that's on the same information.
Have you ever seen them try to sell an individual article?
No thanks.
I'm not paying to read.
No, but...
Yeah.
Imagine paying to read in a world where libraries have existed my entire life.
Where nobody has ever charged people to read.
Read your bullshit with ads.
Yeah, I would pay to listen.
The internet is getting so bad.
That's why if there's a new 9-11...
We should charge ten bucks per episode.
We should charge ten bucks per episode to get more viewers.
We're part of it.
Where do we add? Are we keeping this guy waiting?
We should charge ten bucks per episode as well.
So we always try to give the fans an hour.
I'm doubting it.
I'm just saying if it's an hour, that's what a stand-up special would be.
A headliner should be able to do an hour.
So we do an hour every week for free.
Jason is a breadliner.
Yeah, I'm kind of a breadliner.
Well, maybe Michael Robinson is because he's homeless.
He's in the breadline.
I'm a get-headliner.
Ooh.
Yeah.
I'm bald headliner.
I get headliner from the headliners.
Bald headliner, yeah.
Receiving hairliner?
Yeah.
I've never seen it all the way.
A one-liner.
Is it just a stop-receding?
Well, Dylan's kind of a perfectionist.
When his hairline started receding, he's like,
I need to perfect this.
Yeah.
I've had black people try and make it a great beard lined up kind of really well.
You do.
You do yourself?
Yeah, and that makes fun of me for doing my hair.
I do my hair every day.
I think you should be proud of your bald head too because you got a solid bald head.
Testosterone coursing through my veins.
Not even the testosterone thing, but some of these bald head guys, they look weird.
They have lumpy heads.
Yeah, lumpy or...
They have that thing where you could scrunch it up and it looks like a brain.
Yeah.
What's your new glove thing you got going on?
So, I bought these gloves.
They work on a phone.
Yeah.
And I just feel like it's good for me to add anything that looks intentional in my eyes.
So, are you a burglar?
Yeah.
Well, I...
Is it because when you touch things, it kind of overstimulates you?
I'm not sitting out there right now, but if I was, I'd probably be finding any smelling
salts you have.
I don't think I have any.
Do you get easily overstimulated by it?
With the gloves, it looks like you're trying to have some fingerprints when you do one
of those things you're talking about live.
I've been keeping this tally of does Dylan have OCD or autism?
We just got a tick on the autism.
I just feel like the most artistic thing you can do is least socially aware.
Then you can do is talk about someone else's diseases they don't have.
I don't know that.
Oh, I'm socially aware.
I'm trying to hurt people.
I feel like it's pretty unaware.
That's very...
I'm aware.
It's different.
I'm the most socially aware, socially unaware person.
How is it different for me?
I'm the most aware, socially aware person.
Because you like to hurt people.
Why is it different for me?
Well, you don't seem to want to just hurt people, but then you might just not.
It's like the selective hearing.
You might not know your...
No.
There's a social cue that your brain just suppresses in a way.
I am very self aware of how unaware I am socially.
There are no knowns and there are unknown knowns.
So you admit that you're autistic.
That's what that sounds like.
Yeah, that's what that would mean.
Why?
There are no knowns and there are no knowns.
You're saying that you accept...
And there are unknown unknowns.
You're not aware of this.
You know, because I...
If you accept you're unaware of social cues...
I'm the most aware, unaware person of all time.
So you admit that you're autistic.
No, because I'm the most aware.
Well, you just said you...
So that breaks even.
You're aware that you're not the most aware.
Well, that breaks even.
I would say in Tutina the other night, I go...
It's not 50-50.
I've been doing comedy like ten years.
Yeah, it is.
I've done a million projects, run shows, and I've been part of many different community
groups.
You know, where it's like me and a couple other comics doing some bullshit.
And you guys are definitely the craziest people I've ever done a project with.
That's why it all works.
This was when you guys were...
I looked at my phone, a hundred text messages between you guys the other night.
Yeah.
About like literally nothing.
Like, I can't even remember.
I mean, I'm sure it is something to you, but it was not really a thing that's going to have
major consequences in the future.
Yeah, I said I was sparring and to me it's funny because I know whatever we're saying.
You weren't joking at all.
Yeah, I was.
A hundred messages at three in the morning is sparring.
And then he was trying to FaceTime me when I saw him know while I was taking this shoot.
And then he FaceTimed Mike Robinson.
The people who FaceTime you when you're fighting, it's like a borderline personality disorder
move.
I don't know if that's in the medical journals.
It was insane, all the stuff that you were saying.
No, it wasn't.
You see that is...
You guys are both perfectly fitted to make this go on too long.
You don't know.
Because you can't let it go either.
You don't know what I'm saying.
Like, you can't let it go either.
You have to correct him when you think he's wrong.
So it's like, you can't just like let him go.
No.
And all that Mac does.
You guys are the perfect like, like...
No, I think instead of saying your combination.
I think instead of saying that you're joking, you should like apologize for always doing
these long ass fucking things.
I just don't feel bad if you have a hundred texts.
Just don't read them then.
I mean, I'll...
Then you FaceTime me too.
I don't make a couple jokes.
And I just...
If you try to guess...
Instead of just trying to say it's a joke, it wasn't a joke.
You're selfless serious.
You guys are face...
I mean, I was...
I was faithful.
If I'm calling you out for something, then it's not like I'm angry.
It's just saying, this is the side you're taking.
Don't, you know, act like you're not.
We should...
If you guys want to hear more about this, check out our Patreon.
Maybe we can...
I'll tell you the details about this.
Alright, thanks for coming on Dylan.
So much drama for having people.
Thanks for coming on Jason.
There's a little bit of drama.
Thanks for having me.
A lot of dramedy in the scene.
Patreon.com, Slashbite comedy.
Hell yeah.