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Now who can that be? Come in.
Pardon me for disturbing you, Mr. Benny, but may I have your autograph?
Certainly. Certainly. Who shall I make it out to?
Bob Feller. Bob Feller!
Well, Bob Feller, it's certainly a pleasure having you drop into see me.
Well, Jack, when I saw your name in front of the theater, I just couldn't walk right on by like everybody else.
Oh, you mean you bought a ticket and saw my stage, though?
I sure did, Jack. I thought you saw me. When you took a bow, you knocked a bag of popcorn out of my hand with your eyelashes.
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, let me wipe the chicken fat off your sleeve.
Well, Bob, you're still with the Cleveland Indians, aren't you?
Yes, this is my 12th season, Jack.
You're a pitcher, isn't that right?
That's what it says in my book.
Well, yeah, you wrote a book, didn't you? How to become a pitcher? I read it.
You know, maybe I should.
No. Not after that game today. Not after that game today.
All that's pretty good. You must have brought your own writer, too.
Hey, Jack, how do you expect anybody to get any sleep around here at home?
Oh, Phil, come on in. I want you to meet Bob Feller, pitcher for the Cleveland Indians.
Oh, hiya, Bob.
Hiya, Phil. Say, Phil, you're a pitcher, too, aren't you?
Me a pitcher? No, I'm a musician. Didn't you see me leading the band?
Oh, is that what you were doing?
Certainly.
Gee, I wish I could do that.
Why?
With a wind-up like that, there'd be no one that could hold me.
You're not kidding. And say, Bob, I meant to tell you, I like that nice stadium you have here in Cleveland.
Have you seen it, Phil?
Yeah, it's a wonderful ballpark. Right on the edge of Lake Erie.
I saw a game the other day, and...
Hey, wait a minute. I just thought of something.
The other day when you were playing Boston, you only had eight men.
Oh, no, no. We had nine.
No, no. I counted everyone on the diamond, and there were only eight.
Oh, you could only see eight. When Ted Williams is up, we put the left fielder in a canoe.
Well, that'll teach you to ask questions.
Jack, Jack!
I'm here, Don.
Jack, I've got the quartet with me, and don't you think I'm going to get...
Wait a minute, Don. First, I want you to meet Bob Feller.
Hello, Don.
Well, I'm certainly glad to know you, Bob, and I'm particularly glad you're here because the quartet's going to do a number dedicated to the Cleveland Indians.
Say, that'll be swell. And Don...
Hey, wait a minute, Don, why is your coat so wrinkled?
Well, I was at the ballgame Friday night. It rained, and they used my coat to cover the infield.
Oh, yes, I read about that. One of the ground crew got lost in your pocket.
Well, Don, where's the quartet for the commercial?
In my other pocket.
Oh. Well, bring them out.
Oh, hello, fellas.
Mmm.
Don't mind that, Bob. I have to pay them extra if they talk, you know?
All right, sportsman, we haven't got much time, so let's hear the number.
Okay, hit it, boys.
Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out with the crowd. Buy me a package of lucky strikes. That's the cigarette everyone likes.
So let's pop, pop, pop on a lucky. Just remember the name. One, two, three lucky strikes at the old ballgame. Take me out to the ballgame.
Take me out with the crowd. Young Bobby Feller, he pitched today. They made two home runs, but he won anyway.
So let's run, run, run for a lucky. When they're put out, it's a shame. For it's one, two, three lucky strikes at the old ballgame.
Wait a minute, boys. Wait a minute. Boys, don't dance.
Boys, stop dancing. Wait a minute, Feller. Wait a minute, boys. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'm so embarrassed in front of Bob Feller. Why is it every time we...
Oh, Jack, Marilyn and I would like to know...
Oh, come in, girls. I want you to meet Bob Feller. Bob, I want you to meet Bob. Bob, why are you staring at the girls like that?
Well, if I had half the curves they've got, I could have beaten Boston.
Very good, Bob. Very good. Bob, this is Mary Livingston, and this is Marilyn Maxwell.
Hello, Bob.
Hello, St. Mary.
Yes, Bob.
I feel as though I know you because I met your mother about two years ago.
My mother, really?
Yeah, she pitched against me in Plainfield.
That's funny. I thought she was in the National League.
You're both wrong. Her arm went bad. She's wrestling now.
All right. Well, Bob will be going on stage in a few minutes. Why don't you wait and laugh till the next show and we'll all go out to dinner?
I'd love to, Jack. Do you mind if I call my wife?
Not at all.
Which reminds me, Jack, you'll know my wife. She comes from Warkegan.
She does? I didn't know you married a girl from Warkegan.
Oh, sure. Her name was Miss Winther.
Winther. Winther. Oh, I not only know her, I used to take her out, Marcella Winther.
No, no. That's her mother.
My wife's name is Virginia.
Let me see. Her mother. But it can't be. I remember carrying her books to school. She had long, blonde curls.
Yes, with a little freckle on her right cheek.
Yes.
Well, that was her father.
Now, cut that out.
Bob, I'd like to ask you a question. Isn't there some guy from radio and movies, some fellow that's part owner of the Cleveland Indians?
Yes, there is.
Well, you know, I own the Warkegan Bloomer Girls and I was just wondering...
Well, look who's there!
Howdy, Stu. How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Bob, back in his hometown of Cleveland, to watch the Indians play hope.
Telling you all, if you use Pepsi like the baseball players do, you will be keeping Bob, fellow.
He did it today.
I didn't say hello to me or something.
Please, please.
Well, here I am. I saw both games today. What a team here. You know, they don't have big league baseball in Hollywood, and I'll tell you why.
It's tough sliding in the second base with a bare midriff.
Bob, this happens to be my program.
Nothing for the tailor, please.
Well, it's essential to be cut off the air today.
Oh, but it's great being home again. All my relatives met me at the station yesterday, and I was really touched.
I have a lot of relatives here in Ohio. I have one brother doing fine in Canton, another doing five at Columbus.
Bob, will you wait a minute first?
Please. Who is it? The house detective? Please.
You know, you might as well quit. You're not getting paid for this.
Don't ruin our finished gag. Will you please?
But my relatives... wait a minute!
But my relatives met me yesterday morning with a big brass band. That is, I thought it was a big brass band.
It turned out to be a lot of spittoons going to the Republican convention.
Add it was different when I lived here years ago. This time the cops drove me from the station.
Of course, the city has changed quite a bit. I can remember a lot of little things about this town. I can't seem to get them on the phone, though.
I might as well go home. Come on. What is that? Something left over from the Eagles convention? What is it?
I went out to my old grammar school yesterday. Fairmont, junior high. There was the same old desk, the same old inkwell, same old shaving kit.
I tell you, it was brilliant. What memories that brought back? I'll never forget second grade where I met my first girl.
She was seven, I was 18. And I was so proud. On my desk they have a plaque that says, Bob Hope slept here.
And then I went back and saw the house where I used to live. Boy, what a tough neighborhood. It was so tough the freight trains used to tiptoe past.
But it was wonderful. I'll never forget when I left home to go on the road. Father said I would go a long way.
In fact, he nailed the door of the box cop. He did. Yes, he did.
I know we've heard it. We know the joke. We know the joke. That's where you could have come in, you know.
Now, what are you doing? I want to know what are you doing here? I'm getting laughs. What are you doing here?
I'm trying to. And hey, Bob, here's one of your boys, Bob Feller. One of our boys. That's an annuity, Jack, this boy. Hello, Bob. Hello, Bob.
Two Bob's. That'll get you a warm beer in England. Thanks for letting me have that one joke.
I have a line you gave me which is no good. It didn't get you anything here, which you got a lot of.
Well, look, Hope, let me ask you something. What are you really doing here in Cleveland?
Well, I came here to watch out for my interest. I found out you were playing here and this is my hometown, you know.
Well, what about it?
Well, how much money have you taken into the Palestine already?
So far, about $34,000. Give me half or I'll sue you. I don't muscle in the Warkegon, you know.
What do you tell? I'm playing this whole circuit. Last week in Detroit, I took a $93,267 and $43.
And a Hoover button. How do you know?
I ain't spending any Dewey buttons to see you.
Bob, you're cheaper than Fred Allen and he's almost as cheap as I am. I'm telling you.