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It is my pleasure to present one of Baseball's outstanding pictures and personalities at
present in training with the Chicago Cubs at Catalina Island, Dizzy Dean.
Thanks Bob. Well, how are you Dizzy?
I'm fine, but don't call me Dizzy.
Why? I thought everybody called you Dizzy.
They do, but somehow in this program I resent it.
You see, it's only my bullpen name.
Well, if it isn't Dizzy Dean, what is your right name? You know, the name on your bank account on the check's your sign.
Oh, that's Mrs. Dizzy Dean.
Dizzy, you actually mean she wears the baseball pants in your family?
Yeah, and on her in this town they look good.
Hey, you're playing with the Chicago Cubs, aren't you? You know, Dizzy, I was just thinking, you with Mr. Wrigley and me with Pepsin, we're both living off gums, aren't we?
Tell me, does Mr. Wrigley make you work during the off season?
Does he? Bob, you know those three little green men that dance around advertising his gum?
Why yes.
Well, this winter there were four of us.
Say, Bob, you seemed to enjoy it when you were over watching our spraying training.
You ought to come over and visit me again on the island, maybe next Friday.
I can't, Dizzy. That's the day I visit my brother on his island.
By the way, do you know my brother? Daffy?
What do you do? Use your own punctuation?
Listen, when I see a coma I emphasize it.
What's that?
When I see a coma I emphasize it.
Coma? I don't like to get personal. Did you have a room with Maxi Rosenblum?
Only when I went to Harvard.
Let's get back to the dull stuff. Say, Dizzy, I was sorry to hear you had a little trouble with your arm.
What was the matter?
Well, my doctor thought it might be a bad tooth. He wanted to pull it, but forced me a friend of mine
who told me about Pepsident toothpaste.
Yes, yes. Go on.
Boy, on this program you have to sweat for your money.
Listen, I know a lot about baseball myself. When I was a kid I used to pitch for the Eagle Knob Skunks.
Remember that time I met you? I was with the Skunks then and you helped me quite a bit.
Shucks, Bob. That was nothing. Anybody could have told you about Lady Esther.
Well, when I played ball in those days I used to have trouble with my batting. I'd always swing and miss.
Did you ever connect?
Yeah, one day I hit a long drive to the outfield. I slid in the first, then I slid in the second, then I slid in the third, then I slid in the second.
What'd you go back to second for?
My pants.
I got to be a pretty good batter, though. One thing those pitchers couldn't do was scare me away from the plate.
I remember one fellow threw a ball straight up my head.
What happened, Bob?
I heard a rhapsody.
Say, Dizzy, while you're here in Hollywood, is there anything I can do for you?
There sure is, Bob. I'd really like to meet Hedy Lamar.
Hedy Lamar, huh? Well, take a train to Kansas City, Dizzy. The line starts there.
I've been meaning to ask you, Bob. What's all this I hear about Hollywood wolves?
Oh, that's just a guy that likes to walk down Hollywood Boulevard and look at all the pretty girls and wants to talk to them and get to know them.
Well, I'll be darned. I'm a wolf.
You know, Dizzy, you'd be pretty popular with the girls if you were as big and strong as I am.
Are you kidding?
Wait a minute, Dizzy. I think I'm as strong as you are. Let's shake hands and see who has the strongest grip.
All right. Put your hand in mine. Now squeeze.
Now will you put it in my pocket for me?
Thank you, Dizzy Dean. And Dizzy, we'll be back with us in a few minutes, folks.
How much longer must I wait, Dizzy? Tell me how long.
Well, folks, here we are in the ninth inning of this great baseball game.
Bob's Hope team is out there in the field. There's the hit. It's a high fly ball. Hope himself is out in the field.
He's going to try to get it. He's circling under it now. It's coming down.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Well, Bob Hope is forfeiting the game. He's going back to the locker room to see if he can sign up some better players for his ball club.
We take you now to the locker room where Bob is trying to sign his star holdout.
Pitching them are, Dizzy? Sure, Chief. Think you can win? Sure, Chief.
Know what will happen if you don't win? Sure, Super Chief.
Well, then we're ready to draw up your contract, Dizzy. Here's my lawyers, Blitz, Fitz, Mitz and Barney Dean.
Now, let Barney Dean get in there. He owns a fountain pen.
Now, Dizzy, if you'll just sign this. Now, wait a minute. I won't sign this baseball contract, Hope. I don't like it.
Why, there's nothing wrong with that contract. I copied it right from the one Paramount gave me.
That's what I don't like about it. Why should I have to carry out the garbage?
I don't carry out the garbage at Paramount. My nose turns up like this naturally.
I don't know whether I like this contract or not. Where's the part where it says how much money I get?
Right there, right there in the white print. Now, come on. Now, come on, Dizzy, sign up.
And remember, you'll have to abide by our training rules. You can't go out with girls, understand?
Listen here. If I want to go out with a girl, I'll go out with a girl. See?
Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Because you got a friend? Never mind. Never mind. I ain't going to sign.
Listen, Dizzy, you better sign with me because right now my assistant is in New York trying to sign up one of the greatest baseball players of all time, Babe Ruth.
Hello?
Great news. This is your assistant, Kelona, and I'm in New York talking with a babe. She said no.
Professor, you're supposed to be signing up a baseball player.
Well, I have. I've just signed up for a trained bear to play second base.
A bear? Kelona, that's dangerous.
Well, I'm not such this bear as trained, and I've got a meeting out of my hand.
In fact, I'm going to feed him a little piece of candy now, and he'll eat it right out of my hand.
Here, nice bear. Eat this piece of candy.
Yes, boss. I've got a meeting right out of my shoulder.
Kelona, how do you always get in the foolish predicaments?
I got a season pass.
You know, Diz, I don't really don't need you. I'm negotiating with another great picture.
Pitchard, you ever hear about Skinny Ennis?
Sure, I know all about Skinny Ennis.
Isn't it a shame?
I'll get it, Diz. Hello? Hope's pepsidon pole cat. Our catcher's sly. Our picture's mysterious, and we expect to win the world's serious.
He's delirious.
Listen, Hope, great news. I just found a baseball pitcher who can pitch a curve, a spitball, a drop, and a fastball all at the same time.
Professor, in order to do that, a player would have to have four arms. That's impossible.
You hear that, Joe? Is it impossible?
Well, stop shaking one head, yes, or the other one, no.
Professor, you signed up a baseball player who has two heads and four arms?
Yes, two arms face one way, and two arms face the other way. It's wonderful.
What's so wonderful about it?
He can scratch himself anyplace.
Kelona, you work me.
No, you work me. You're a bigger urk.
Say, Diz, look out the window. Here come the pitcher and catcher. Kelona signed up for me yesterday. Let's listen to what they're saying.
Brenda, buddy, sit coping.
Well, I've been baseball player.
Yeah, but you take the game too seriously. What an argument you gave that umpire because you didn't like his decision.
Oh, I didn't mind his decision, but I got awful sore when he dusted home plate with my hair.
Yeah, at least he should have taken it off your head first.
Kelona, do you really like being a baseball player?
Sure. I've had so much fun since I was in Seattle during the blackout.
Oh, gosh, baseball players are so romantic. I was out with a baseball player once. He was with a Yankee.
With the Yankees? Would you meet him walking through Central Park?
No, marching through Georgia.
Say, you went out with a baseball player from the house of David, didn't you?
Yeah, he had a great big bushy beard all over his face.
Did you nick with him?
Yeah, it's the first time I ever kissed a guy and had two helpings of shredded wheat.
Oh, you know, every time I wanted to kiss him, every time I wanted to kiss him, he'd cry so hard tears rolled into his beard.
Well, what if you do when you wanted him to kiss you?
Oh, I just say shoot the shrubbery to the blubbery.
Oh, come on. Here's Bob's office. Let's go in.
Hello, Bob.
Oh, hello girls, and when I call you that, I'm spreading propaganda.
Hey, what is this?
Oh, Dizzy, let me introduce you formally. These are Brenda and Cabina.
Hello. Nice to meet all the DiMaggio boys.
Hey, Dizzy, just put your arms around my neck and show me how to play baseball.
Come on, put your arms around my neck.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's not baseball.
Every game I try to play, some wise guy's got an umpire.
When I get out of here, I've got to talk to Dizzy. Say Dizzy, now that I see what kind of baseball players Kelona sent me,
there's nothing I can do but hire you at whatever salary you want. It's my only chance.
Well, Bob, I'll sign, but only if you give me a salary of $50,000 and 10% of the gate on weekdays and 15% on Sundays.
Okay.
Gosh, Bob, how are you going to figure that out?
Oh, don't worry, Cabina, I've got this automatic adding, subtracting and multiplying machine here.
It'll add up those figures in the jiffy and I'll finally have Dizzy sign.
Here it goes. I press the button on the adding machine.
Anybody got a pencil?
Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Next week, we're going to have a big show because we're going to have the grown-er-old Bing back here
and we're really going to do a little role to some kind, I don't know, but Bing Crosby will be here next week and the regular gang. Good night.
Bye.