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Let us fly backward in fancy.
The place, the lobby of the Edgewater Beach Hotel.
The time, shortly after the first game of the season.
You remember Warren, I was huddled over a radiator,
reading your account of the ball game
when you stepped up to me and said,
Frank, can I see you a minute?
Well, Warren Brown,
what are you huddling over the steam for?
Boy, I'm cold.
It was freezing at that ballpark.
Wanna pull up a radiator and join me?
No, not me, I'm hot.
That show off Greenberg would have to hit a double
with two men on base.
Oh, he really took a hold of that one, didn't he?
The wind hadn't been blowing so hard,
that ball still be going.
Well, he sure caused me a lot of extra work.
What do you mean?
Well, I had my story written the night before
that the Cubs had won.
Warren, you're so imprudent, you should check with me.
Every time that Greenberg comes to Wrigley Field,
he upsets everything.
He did it in the World Series in 1945, he always does.
He haunts the Cubs.
Well, I hope it's nothing temporary.
It really looks though like Wrigley Field
is lucky for Greenberg, doesn't it?
Well, Bing, if you get rained out 153 more games,
your Pittsburgh team will probably win the pennant.
I just want you to know, Warren,
that I bear you no antipathy for your biased attitude.
And you know what I did for you?
I went out and bought a copy of your book,
The Chicago Cubs.
I bought it out at the ball game yesterday.
Did you read it?
Well, when I got to page three,
then I made a bond file of it to keep from freezing to death.
I noticed that smoke.
I thought it was Bob Hope sending up signals
to the Cleveland Indians.
Ha.
By the way, Bing, do you know that all the time
Cleveland was training out in California,
Hope didn't go out to see the Indians play one game?
Well, Warren, Bob didn't know that he'd bought a ball team.
He thought he purchased the blanket concession at Albuquerque.
Besides, he's afraid to go out to a ball park.
He was hit with a baseball when he was a child.
His Indian name is Chief Lump on the head.
Oh, that explains everything.
You are so right, Warren.
So right.
I'm glad you see it our way.
Yeah.
Well, let's get back to you.
How did you ever happen to sell Greenberg
the idea of going to work for the Pirates?
Why, it had nothing to do with that.
No?
Well, let me ask you this.
Is it true that after every ball game,
you have to run up to his room and give him a rub down?
Oh, that's so much fiddle faddle, Warren.
I know.
I never did fiddle faddle, Warren.
I never did.
This is merely a vicious rumor
started by old Chief Lump on the head.
Oh.
Is that so?
Well, it's a fact, isn't it,
that you personally knit all of Greenberg's sweatshirts?
Oh, this is the grossest libel I've ever run into.
You may lay that report too to old Bulge on the Bean.
I'm not so sure.
Isn't that Greenberg coming across the lobby now?
Well, it's either Greenberg or the Palmolive building.
Hey, Hank.
Hank.
Oh, hello, Warren.
Hello, Vice-President.
How are you doing?
Well, Hank you sure played a great game today.
Oh, I did nothing, Bing.
Yeah, we got to nothing.
What does he churches are always doing
how much would you state take to stay away from Chicago.
Stay away from Chicago?
I love Chicago.
So do I.
That's why I want you to stay away from him,
You know, Hank, Warren is really a ardent cub-rooter.
Well the cubs are a great team.
You know, Warren, every time I step up to the bat here, I say to myself, wouldn't it
be wonderful if I can do it again?
You sure did it today, Hank.
Well, it was nice to see you, Warren.
Come on, Vice-President, let's get upstairs.
I'm really stiff from the cold weather.
I need a good rubdown tonight.
Rubdown?
Just a minute, Crosby.
I just had a few bottles of liniment left over after I sold the horses, you know what
I mean?
Say, you better not mention horses in front of a ball player.
Happy Chandler might be listening.
Horses?
What are they?
The ball players, Hank.
Horses are four-legged animals that pull milk wagons.
Especially yours.
Well, Hank, shall we get going upstairs?
I've got to keep you in shape.
By the way, Bing, I meant to tell you, I have plenty of sweatshirts.
I wonder if you'll start knitting socks now.
Anything you say, Hank.
What's your foot size?
Eighty-five and a half.
What Greenberg won't do to keep a good ball player?
Why don't the Cubs have a Vice-President who can sing, knit, and massage?
Would you fellas mind getting away from that radiator?
I'm expecting guests for dinner and I've got to steam a sack of clams.
Well, well, well, you're Groucho Marx or I'm greatly mistaken.
Glad to know you greatly.
How's Mrs. Mistaken and all the little mistakes?
Groucho, this is Warren Brown and Hank Greenberg.
Which is Greenberg and which is Brown?
I'm colorblind.
You know Warren Brown, he's a newspaper man.
Well, tell him to leave one of my house every morning.
No, no, he's not that kind of a newspaper man.
Warren sees the Cubs play every day.
Well, I guess a man will do anything to make money.
Go ahead.
Greenberg, I want to see you about signing up with my ball team.
Now wait, just a minute Groucho, just a minute here now.
Wait a minute.
Don't worry, Crosby, he's never been able to out-knit you.
Have you got a ball team, Groucho?
I had a ball team when you were just a babe in Ruth's arms.
I was a big man in baseball when Happy Chandler was known as Sad Sack.
Groucho, your team has got to be nothing.
Listen, Crosby, the Pittsburgh Pirates couldn't even get in the same shower with my team.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Well, I do.
I've got a girl's team.
Well, not only that, but I'm one of the scrub players.
Well, that changes the whole picture.
I'm owner, manager, and trainer of Marx's Bloomer Girls, better known as the Nylon Socks.
Why Nylon Socks?
Well, you get more runs that way.
What a team I've got, a cave on every bag.
You sign a new picture?
I just signed a picture.
I just signed a picture who's a sensation.
Is she fast?
I think so.
She gets in around three o'clock every morning.
Well, I want to tell you something, Groucho.
You can't have Greenberg.
He signed with the Pirates this year.
Well, he can play for both of us.
My girls only play night games.
I'll bet your girls look good in night games.
Actually, they don't wear night games.
They wear pajamas.
Well, Groucho, thanks for your offer, but I don't think I could play with your team.
Why don't you try to get Hildegard?
She's on second.
You better run along, Groucho.
Hank plays every afternoon baseball for Pittsburgh.
Your girls play at night.
Look, an afternoon game at Pittsburgh is like a night game anyplace else.
All right, Hank, come on, sign this contract and so you'll feel at home is a ballpen.
Well, that's very flattering, Groucho.
But wouldn't I look silly playing with a team of bloomer girls?
My team plays in Snuggies.
One season with my team and you'll be known as the Eddie Canner of baseball.
Of course, playing on a girls team, you can't call yourself Hank Greenberg.
We'll have to change that.
What did you call me?
Bob Feller.
No, that's no good.
You couldn't have a fellow on a girls team.
Hank, I'm going out to the ballpark tomorrow and watch you some more.
Have you got a box seat?
No, that's just the way my pants hang.
Say, Groucho, I suppose a lot of your girls got married last year.
So many of them got married, we ought to have spring training at Niagara Falls.
Next season, I'm going to let them train in Reno.
That's a separation center.
Well, it's a Broughton Barney one.
It's none of my business, Bing, but I think a girls team would be too slow for Hank.
Yeah, he's got to have action.
Action, why in one game, I heavy hitter slapped the ball in the center field.
He ran it first, slid it in the second, slid back the first, made it the second again,
then slid back the first and back the second.
What was the idea?
Her guidle was caught on first.
Well, Groucho, I'm afraid I hate to tell you this, but your mission here tonight is
futile.
We've got Hank tied up for a year.
Tied up for a year?
He won't be able to brush his teeth.
Anyhow, I have in my pocket a copy of a song I want you to sing.
Something clever?
Yeah, it could be.
I didn't write it.
It was written by Bill Coram and Harold Smith, and if this song goes over, I'll make a fortune.
Well, your name isn't on the tune.
How are you going to make a fortune?
I've got to take it on the Irish sweepstakes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Anyhow, Bing, this is a song about Greenberg, and if you don't mind, I'll teach it to you
and vice versa.
Okay, let's break into song.
Why not get the key from John Scott Trotter, and we won't have to break it in.
You're so smart.
We've heard about those old time dangerous pirates of Captain Kidd and Silver John the
Long.
But we prefer those modern dangerous pirates.
As our victims walk the plank, we sing this song.
Oh, goodbye, Mr. Ball, goodbye.
You are going to see an awful lot of sky.
Don't hang around for Richard to open up that door.
When Hankus Pankus hits you where you've never been hit before.
Oh, goodbye, Mr. Ball, goodbye.
You had better kiss your relatives goodbye.
When Hank comes to the plate, ball, you're going to be out late.
So goodbye, Mr. Ball, goodbye.
Goodbye, Mr. Ball, goodbye.
Say hello there to the sun up in the sky.
A plate is mighty handy to eat the lean and fat.
But not when Hank the Greenberg serves it up with his big bat.
Oh, goodbye, Mr. Ball, goodbye.
Go fly till the blue has met the dawn up there so high.
When Hank gets home run itch, ball, you're going to drop a stitch.
So goodbye, Mr. Ball, goodbye.
And that could be finer than a partner like Ralkon are in the outfield.
And I am confirming that I'll work for Billy Herman in the infield.
Oh, goodbye, Mr. Ball, goodbye.
You had better kiss your relatives goodbye.
Wait a minute.
When the count is two and oh and I let that third one go, what happens then?
You're out.
Oh, goodbye, Mr. Hank, goodbye.
And furthermore, when I think I've got a hit and it winds up in Slaughter's Mitt, how about
that?
Too bad.
Oh, goodbye, Mr. Hank, goodbye.
Oh, Mr. Greenberg, goodbye.
Mr. Hank, goodbye.
There we go.
That's it.
Anybody hurt?
Bing, I think you ought to play ball for Pittsburgh and let Greenberg do the singing.
I think we'll arrange that first thing in the morning.
I think Bill Corham did pretty good with that.
He picks songs like he picks horses.
I don't know if that's a compliment or not, Warren.
But I think goodbye, Mr. Ball, is destined to be a big hit, at least in Pittsburgh.
Okay, Bing, but no matter how far Hank socks Mr. Ball, you can always catch the play with
a Philco radio.
Oh, you would bring me.
Remember any Philco you buy this year has got to be tops.
It's brand new from the circuit clear through to the cabinet.
Not just a face lifting job, but scores of vital improvements in power and performance.
Yes, even the smallest 1947 Philco table model is designed and built with all the resources
of the world's largest radio manufacturers.
And you can hear the difference, the miniature dialing.
Always thinking ahead, Philco gives you tomorrow in your radio set today.
So when you buy your new radio or radio phonograph now, look at the leader.
Look at a Philco.
Famous for quality, the world over.
Well, it appears to be about time to batten down the hatches for this session.
But before shoving off, I want to say that we enjoyed our visit out here at Great Lakes.
Meet all you wonderful fellows.
You've been a wonderful audience.
I want to thank George Barnes, Warren Brown, Hank Greenberg and Groucho Marx for coming
to bat for us tonight.
Good luck, fellows.
And good night, folks.