Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Trinity
Sermons. This week we are wrapping up our teaching
series called Spring Cleaning, where we're talking
about some of the habits and things that happen
in our lives that aren't really helpful to us
and that maybe we need to clean up. Today we
are talking about cleaning up conflict, something
that we're probably all familiar with. Whether
it's fighting with your spouse or your kids or
your co -workers, we all have conflict in our
life. But how do we deal with that? How do we
avoid that? How do we work through it together?
That's what Rob is going to talk to us about
today. Today's reading is from the book of James,
chapter 1, verses 19 through 21. My dear brothers
and sisters, take note of this. Everyone should
be quick to listen. slow to speak and slow to
become angry because human anger does not produce
the righteousness that God desires. Therefore,
get rid of all moral filth and the evil that
is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted
in you, which can save you. The word of the Lord.
Oh, I think that everybody somewhere in their
home has a place like that. Maybe it's a junk
drawer. Maybe it's a closet. Maybe it's your
garage. It's that place where you stuff all this
junk and hope that maybe you'll never see it
again. But actually what we've been learning
over the last few weeks is that perhaps the messiest
place isn't a place in our house at all. It's
our hearts, our cluttered up, junked up hearts
that we stuff all sorts of. wounds and hurts
and maybe, you know, frustrations in there, hoping
that maybe we'll never have to deal with it again.
But much like Monica's closet, at some point,
all that stuff gets exposed. All that stuff comes
out. And when it does, it often takes a real
toll on our relationships. As Tim Keller said,
he said, people are messy. It's not just Monica.
It's not just you. It's not just me. All people
are messy. Therefore, Our relationships will
be messy. Expect messiness. And so whenever there's
too many hurts or too many arguments or too many
misunderstandings that pile up in us, eventually
it's going to spill over. And often, you know,
those relationships that we had around us that
were so, you know, clean and tidy and squeaky
clean become really cluttered, really conflicted
and complicated. We've been doing this series
just for a few weeks. We've been calling it Spring
Cleaning. And what we're focusing on is trying
to declutter some of that stuff that is in our
hearts. And if you've been following along with
us, you know that two weeks ago we began. And
we talked about a clear -out comparison, because
when we are constantly comparing ourselves to
others, it just doesn't do anything good for
our heart, for our soul, for our lives. And then
last week, we talked about how we need to conquer
complaining. And we said that when we're constantly
complaining, man, oh man, it's not just bad for
our own health and draining for us, it's draining
for the people around us, and it messes with
our spiritual life as well. But today we are
going to move on to this last topic where we're
going to talk about how we clean up conflict
in our lives. But as we've said each week, this
is not easy to do. This is actually really, really
hard to do. I dare say impossible for us to do.
So we need help in cleaning up this kind of stuff
in our lives. And that's why every week we've
been praying this prayer, which is just a few
verses from Psalm 139. God searched. me and know
my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Dig around in that closet in there, God, and
see if there's any offensive way in me and then
lead me in the way everlasting. And this prayer
is so, so helpful because it's inviting God into
this process. God, I want you to go deep, not
just the surface. God wants you to go deep and
see what's going on in there. But secondly, it
also invites God to lead us. Lead me in a new
way, a better way. Lead me. in a cleanup plan
for this mess that I have in my heart. So if
you would, before we go any further today, let's
once again together pray these words out loud.
Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and
know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any
offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.
Amen. All right, now God is, we've invited him
into this process. Let's talk a little bit about
how we can clean up conflict in our lives. I
should tell you, I nearly called this cleaning
up criticism, but I went with conflict. But the
truth be told, criticism and conflict are really
closely related because the words we say, critical,
hard words, are so deeply tied to the conflict
we experience in our lives. And nowhere does
that seem to come up more clearly than in that
reading that we just read. read from james my
dear brothers and sisters take note of this everyone
should be quick to listen slow to speak and slow
to become angry see the connection between anger
and speaking right because human anger does not
produce the righteousness that god desires Now,
it's worth asking, who is this James guy, and
where does he think he's coming from to come
and lecture us about conflict? Well, I want to
actually tell you that James has a couple claims
to fame. One is something that I cannot relate
to at all, and the other is something that I
actually can relate to. You see, the first thing,
and this is the one that I can't relate to, is
that James was the brother of Jesus. I just want
you to imagine that. Imagine growing up, and
Jesus is your brother. If my brother had said
to me, hey, Rob, I'm the son of God, I would
have given him like such a wedgie, right? It
would have been the end of him, right? And actually,
James didn't really believe that Jesus was the
son of God either until something happened that
totally changed his mind. And, oh, what was it?
What was that thing? What did Jesus do that?
Oh yeah, he rose from the dead. And when he rose
from the dead, all of a sudden, James, his brother,
went from giving him noogies to giving him praise
and giving him worship. He went from being a
skeptic about Jesus to being a leader in the
church. And that's the thing that I actually
do have in common with James. James was a pastor
of a church, and I'm the pastor of a church.
James' church was in Jerusalem. It was a very
real church. church with very real people uh
you know and they had very real situations in
a very real city and actually There's actually
very real problems going on in that church. You
would have to think that's the case because why
would a pastor write this to their church if
there weren't something in there that he was
addressing? If I sent an email like this out
to you guys after church today, everybody would
be like, what's going on? I wonder who's done
what or whatever, right? So I can relate to James,
but you also should be able to relate because
look, it seems like 2000 years ago, people were
struggling with conflict. And today, many of
you here are also struggling with conflict in
your life. lives conflict in your family conflict
in your marriage maybe it's conflict at work
maybe it's conflict at school conflict with your
friends and and maybe you've been stuffing that
conflict and those hurt feelings and those misunderstandings
into some closet deep down in your heart and
it's gonna burst one day so tell you what let's
clean it out instead before that happens what
james gives us in this very short little reading
that daniel read for us is simple it's a simple
basic blue for cleaning up conflict. But though
it's simple, it doesn't mean it's easy. Certainly
not easy. But I've given you a few sermon notes
so you can follow along. And maybe when you leave
here today, you've got a few blueprints on how
to work through the conflict in your own life.
So let's start with the first point on James's
cleanup list for conflict. And he says simply
this, hey, everyone should be quick to listen.
Now, right away, that sounds like a bit of a
strange statement. How does one listen quickly?
It's kind of strange. You can speak quickly.
You can blow up quickly, but listen quickly.
I mean, how does that happen? And I think what
James is actually getting at here is he's saying
what we should do is make listening our first
response rather than our last resort. Okay? And
isn't it true that in just about every single
conflict you've been part of, both arguing parties
want the same thing. They want to be heard. They
want to be listened to. They want to be understood.
I think that's why we're... We're constantly
interrupting each other because, you know, and
we're constantly defending each other is because
deep down inside we're saying, if you would just
listen to me, then you would not understand my
problem and you would know why I'm right. And
then the person on the other side is saying,
well, if you would just listen to me, then you
would know why I am right. And here's the thing
that makes conflict so, so tricky is that it's
really, really hard to hear what someone else
is saying to you feel like you yourself have
not been heard by them. I can't really hear what
you're saying until you have heard me. And you
can't really hear what I'm saying until you feel
like you have been heard. And so what happens?
I'll tell you what happens. We just talk over
each other. We're going back and forth, interrupting,
defending. And nobody is really actually listening.
We're like Monica, just throwing things into
the closet, throwing comments, throwing our opinions,
throwing more and more stuff, reactions, words.
It all gets thrown. And no one's actually stopping
to say, what is it that the other person is actually
saying? So what James is saying to us is, therefore,
the first step to resolving conflict has got
to be for us simply to be. quick, make it our
first priority, to listen and resist that urge
to interrupt. Now, I will admit personally for
me, and by admitting this, I hope it's also true
of you, that One of my problems is when I'm trying
to or pretending to listen to someone, I'm actually
not really listening. What I'm doing is formulating
my response in my head. So they're going, da,
da, da, da, da, da. Meanwhile, I'm going, hmm,
buffering, loading, loading response, loading
response, preparing response. And then when they
finally stop for a moment, I go, bing. All right,
I've got my three zingers that I've just thought
up, and I'm ready to fire them at you. of these,
I guarantee, is going to win me the argument,
okay? That's at least how my mind works sometimes.
I hope I'm not the only one here, but I think
what I need to learn, what we all need to learn,
is that listening is not the same thing as just
waiting for your turn to talk, right? So instead,
what we need to do is, instead of preparing our
response, We actually need to listen. What if
we weren't like, how am I going to respond here?
What if we were instead saying like, what is
it that I'm missing here? Right? And so far,
this all sounds like just communication advice
you could get from YouTube or whatever. But this
actually has a spiritual, a deep spiritual dimension
to it. And that's because this requires a charism
called humility. And humility is this thing that
Jesus says, strive to be humble. Strive to put
others ahead of yourself. And that's what we're
doing here. We're saying, I'm going to let you
speak. And I'm going to like button my lip and
I'm going to listen. So letting them talk, you
listen. And humility also means that it's admitting
that, you know, maybe I'm not seeing the whole
picture here. Or maybe I don't fully understand
this person. That is a real hard thing to admit.
It's a real hard place to get to sometimes. But
the only way. that we can understand what a problem
is really about is if we understand the person.
And the only way we're going to understand the
person is if we're quick to listen, okay? So
that's step one, James says. You just got to
be quick to listen. That's the first part of
the cleanup plan. The second part, though, James
continues, is you also need to be slow to speak.
Now, we do the exact opposites, right? Normally,
we are very quick to speak. And we are slow to
listen. But James is saying, no, you need to
be quick to listen and slow to speak. And man,
oh man, what good advice is this? Because how
many times do we get ourselves into trouble because
we are too quick to speak? Oh, I've got something
really important I got to say. I just got to
blurt it out. And then we say it and dang it.
I should not have said that. I should have just.
man, if I could take that back, isn't it true?
Isn't it true that so many of the worst moments
in our lives and your life too, I think, are
because we were just too, too quick to speak
and we were too slow to listen. All the things
we regret, all the conversations we wish we could
just rewind and do over again, right? It's almost
always because we were too quick to speak. I
think being quick to speak can also mean, though,
talking too much, like dominating a conversation
and not letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.
And I think that definitely this happens in spouses,
between spouses. It happens in families. I think
it can happen when the boss is always talking
and everybody has to listen to the boss. He just
goes on and on. It can even happen for pastors.
I mean, look at me. I get to stand up here on
the stage and just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk,
talk. And you guys are forced to just sit there
and listen. It's absolutely wonderful, right?
People love, people love to be listened to. But
perhaps it's actually with children and our kids
where this can really, it strikes me. And imagine
this, imagine this, you know, junior comes to
you and they're like, dad, you know, I've really
got something I want to talk to you about, you
know, and they just start getting into it. And
you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen there.
Listen there, kiddo. Let me stop you right there.
Let your old pa give you a little bit of advice
here. Because, you know, I'm a little bit older
than you and wiser. And I've been around the
block a few times. And I got a lot of wisdom
up here in my noggin that you don't have in your
juvenile. You know, your brain is still forming.
So you just sit there and let me download into
your brain, your mind, all my wisdom and all
my knowledge. knowledge and just be quiet and
listen to me. And just when you're getting ready
to lean into that amazing dad lecture, you look
up and you're like, hey, where did they go? They're
gone. Hey, why don't we spend more time together?
We never talk, you know. And why is that? It's
because we're too quick to speak. And often what
that means is we are shutting down the very person
that we're trying to reach. You can actually
talk your way right out of a relationship. So
what's a better strategy? What's a better strategy?
Well, a better strategy would be to be curious
and to ask more questions. So instead of jumping
in with the answers, right, start with questions.
Instead of correcting someone, saying, let me
tell you how it is, start instead trying to understand.
Imagine you're in the middle of a really tense
conversation. Instead of you saying, ah, that's
not true. Oh, you're so wrong. You always say
that, you know, you always do this. Imagine if
instead you could kind of train yourself to say,
you know, why is this important to you? Can you
say that to me in a different way? Help me understand
why you feel that way. I mean, if you could start,
if I could start speaking that way to the people
around me, especially in conflicting situations,
we would discover something really, really important.
And that is that questions actually open people
up. Whereas the statements we make, the lectures
we give, the preaching and teaching we love to
do into people's lives, it actually ends up shutting
them down. And you know where it's a good place
to see this? It's actually on our Alpha course.
We're running right now Alpha here at Trinity.
It's been two weeks so far. It's been amazing.
And what Alpha is, and we always say, it's a
place for you to come and ask your questions.
It's a safe place to explore the Christian faith.
And what the training is for alpha leaders is
this. You are not allowed to pretend to be the
teacher. You are not allowed to answer all their
questions. You are not allowed to preach at them.
You are not allowed to make all these statements.
Why are the leaders of the alpha groups not allowed
to do that? It's because questions open people
up. Statements often shut them down. It's like
Chandler trying to break into Monica's closet,
right? You know, statements are like trying to
force your way into somebody's life, but questions
and curiosity open them up in a completely different
way. Now, I know that you might say, well, Rob,
if I ask all these questions and if I'm constantly
being curious, then they're just going to dominate
the conversation and they're just going to talk,
talk, talk, and I'm never going to get a chance
to say anything. And I guess the short answer,
is yes, that might be what happens and maybe
that's what needs to happen. But hopefully, by
God's grace, they also are striving to be quick
to listen and slow to speak as well. But just
remember this, the goal of a conversation is
not to win the conversation. The goal is to understand.
And the longer they talk, then the more you're
going to learn. And therefore, the more you're
going to understand, right? I think that's where
James is coming from in this. So James says,
hey, be quick to listen. Step one, be slow to
speak. And then step three, he says, be slow
to become angry. Now, this is definitely related
to the first two, because you could say, you
know what? If you do number one and number two,
then number three is going to kind of come naturally.
If you are slow or quick to listen to someone,
and then you are also slow to speak, then quite
naturally, you're going to less likely get angry.
So, you know, this one could be both a decision
on your part, but it's also a result of steps
one and two. Put another way, I think the longer
you listen, the more you learn, and therefore
the less angry you'll be you won't be able to
be as angry because you have learned and understood
more now when you think of anger you might think
of someone who's like blowing a gasket you know
closet purse open all the junk comes out yes
some people get angry in a very loud way other
people get angry in a very quiet way it's just
the the cold shoulder the silent treatment The
eye roll, the internal shutdown, the simmering
resentment underneath the surface. There's lots
of ways to be angry. But actually, I think James
particularly is talking about anger in a way
that this is maybe kind of the best way to understand
it. He's talking about when we draw very hasty.
and misinformed conclusions about people that
that damage the relationship so it's like this
self -centered posture it says yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah i know i know what you're saying i
know where you're coming from you don't need
to tell me anymore i've already got it figured
out now it's my turn to talk right i know i'm
right i know what and i know that you're wrong
okay but um Here is something I learned this
week, and it's one of those things that you're
like, when you hear it, you're like, duh, of
course, of course that's true. And I read it
from, there's another pastor down in Atlanta.
We have some people from Atlanta here today.
His name is Andy Stanley, and he makes this point,
and it's really, really smart. He says, he says
that everything that people do actually makes
perfect sense to them. It might not make sense
to you, but it makes sense to them. And everything
that people say also makes complete sense from
their perspective, right? Now, it doesn't mean
that they're right, and it doesn't mean that
you agree with them. It doesn't mean that it
was okay what they said or did, but it does simply
mean this. Whatever it was they said or did,
they obviously had a reason, right? And you...
could sit there thinking, that makes no sense.
Why on earth would they do that? Why on earth
would they say that? Good question. Why? Why
would they say that? Why would they do that?
That is something we need to figure out. Because
there's obviously something going on here that
you don't understand. They have an understanding
that you don't. And if you understood their story,
if you listened a little bit more, then maybe
you would understand that. Maybe you would understand
where they're coming from. Maybe if you were
in their shoes, you would even make the same
decision. It's also true that everything that
a person believes makes total sense to them,
even if it's not at all what you believe. This
is really important for us to remember here at
Trinity, because people may come into this church,
they do every week, and they don't believe what
you believe. They may not even call themselves
a Christian. They're in a very different place
when it comes to what they believe. And we need
to absolutely make sure that no one ever feels
judged for what they believe. Because, again,
we all have reasons for what we believe. And
they have a reason for what they believe. You
know, Monica's closet is full of all sorts of
odds and ends that she decided to keep for some
reason. We don't know why those were important
to her, why she held on to them, but she did,
okay? We don't know the reason. The same is true
for people. We don't know the reason why someone
would say something or do something or even believe
something, but we have to understand they have
their reasons. When we get angry, what we're
saying is, I know enough, I've heard enough,
I've seen enough to know and to judge you. I
know exactly what you're thinking and where you're
coming from. But humility says, actually, maybe,
maybe, maybe I actually don't know what's going
on here. And maybe they have their reasons that
I don't understand. James's whole cleanup plan
boils down basically to one kind of big conclusion
at the end. And that is this, that it is way,
way better to try to get right with someone than
it is to try to be right at someone, right? And
this is really what it's all about. This is really
actually what the whole gospel is about. James,
he puts it this way. He says, human anger does
not produce the righteousness. And I think you
could, Actually, just say human anger doesn't
produce the rightness that God desires. So you
see, my anger is trying to produce a rightness
that I desire. And your anger is trying to produce
a rightness that you desire. But in the midst
of all that, actually, God has a rightness that
he desires. I've got my opinion and I've got
my agenda. You've got your opinion and your agenda.
But in the midst of all that, you know what?
God also has an agenda. God also wants something
to happen here. But God's agenda isn't about
one person being right over the other person.
God's agenda is about both people getting right
with each other. And here's the truth. You can
win an argument, but then go ahead and lose the
relationship. You can prove your point. Congratulations,
you made your point. But then you push the other
person away. You can be right and still be wrong.
Because again, God's goal isn't that you win
an argument. God's goal is that you restore a
relationship. If you don't believe me, we just
got to look at the life of Jesus. Jesus didn't
come. to prove he was right. Of course Jesus
was right. He's the truth incarnate. He is the
word. He is the logos, right? He is the attorney.
There's never been anyone who's been more right,
more righteous than Jesus. But Jesus's biggest
goal wasn't to come to earth to be right at us.
He came to make things right with us. To reconcile
us to God and to reconcile us to each other.
Think about it. When God sent his son into the
world, he did not drop him into history as a
preacher with a big old megaphone, right? He
didn't show up as Wes Huff, you know, winning
every debate and argument. No, he came as a baby
who couldn't even talk. Right? And so for years,
for 30 years, he mostly watched and he listened
and he experienced. You could say that before
Jesus preached to us, he listened to us. Before
he spoke to us, he lived with us. He was very,
very quick to listen. And he was very, very slow
to speak. He didn't preach his first sermon until
he was 30. And he was very slow to become angry.
Jesus did become angry sometimes, but... but
he was very slow to become angry. Jesus knew
that the kingdom of God wasn't going to come
with arguments. It was going to come on a cross.
And on that cross, Jesus took all of our sinful
words, all of our selfish anger, all of our,
you know, I must be right, prideful attitudes.
He took it all on himself on the cross, and he
did there what no amount of arguing could ever
do. He ended the conflict between God and us.
But not just that. He also... created a way for
us to be right with each other. Look at what
Paul says. Christ Jesus, he himself is our peace
who has made... The two groups, so this was a
particular church where two groups were fighting
with each other. One, he's made these two groups
one, and it's destroyed the barrier, the dividing
wall of hostility between us. The cross has two
beams to it. There is a vertical beam, God reconciling
us to himself in Jesus, and there's a horizontal
beam where we are now called to reconcile with
those around us. It's like Monica's... Jesus
is the only one who is able to open the doors
of our hearts and truly clean out the mess and
the sins that are on inside there, decluttering
them, making us brand new. And all that happened
on the cross where he gave his life not to be
right, but to make things right between us. So
what does that mean for us? What does all that
mean? It means the next time you are in the middle
of a conflict, and it won't be that long. It'll
be this week. It'll be maybe with your spouse,
maybe with your kids, your coworker, your boyfriend,
your girlfriend, someone here, maybe someone
here in this church. Hmm. You have a choice.
Do I want to be right? Or do I want to get right?
They are not the same thing. And following Jesus
means choosing reconciliation over being right
and winning the argument. Okay? So this week
when conflict comes, and it will, be quick to
listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry,
and choose getting right over being right. Thanks
be to God. Amen. Thanks for tuning in to this
week's episode of Trinity Sermons. This sermon
was recorded at Trinity Church Streetsville in
Mississauga, Ontario on April 26, 2026.