This is the Things We Do podcast, a podcast about film, life, television, culture, mental
health and all that fun jazzy stuff.
Today I've got my special guest and friend, Leah Rasmussen.
Hello.
How are you?
Good.
How are you?
I'm very good.
I'm excited to be here.
This is fun.
I'm so glad you're so pumped.
I am.
I'm really excited.
I'm so glad.
So Leah, my first and foremost question, because I'm sure there's like a handful of people
on the internet who have seen you pop up on their nerd feeds, left, right and center.
I'm going to get you to do a little bio, a little bit of a backstory to who you are and
what you do.
Okay.
Yeah.
My name is Leah, as I said before, I am 26 years old and I live in New York City.
I'm originally from North Dakota, so literally middle of nowhere.
No one even knows it's a real estate.
I moved to New York in 2020, kind of at the end of COVID times.
It was just before that, I think it was in 2019 when I started up this YouTube channel
where I just needed a place to dump my reaction because I wanted to do reaction videos to
the new Marvel trailers that were coming out and I had no way to really send it to people
without it exceeding a certain amount of space on their phones.
So I just uploaded it to YouTube and my very first one was for Captain Marvel because I
had done them before.
I had done reactions and posted them on a fan account forever ago and that didn't really
go anywhere.
But then the Captain Marvel one is when I posted on YouTube and immediately hundreds
of thousands of views, just like first one.
And I was like, oh, okay, this was not what I wanted it for.
I just wanted it to have a link.
And then after that, I did, I think the next trailer too for Captain Marvel.
And then I was like, okay, this is what I'm just gonna be doing.
And like my friends started to say, so are you gonna do a reaction?
New trailer just drops.
And I just kind of kickstarted it from there.
And then I started doing, it was only Marvel, I think at the beginning and I just reacted
to those and then I started to branch out a little bit more, did some like, I'm a big
fan of Tom Holland.
So I was doing any of his movies, any reaction to those.
And then it went into like some of the DC things and just normal movies.
And yeah, so that was my kickstart to my YouTube start.
Which is kind of funny that you've now kind of taken a back foot a little bit on YouTube
and like kind of brought over to Instagram and done then migrated away even there.
Like where's it going now?
Yeah, that's a very good question.
The last reaction I had done on my YouTube was like two years ago now for the Thor Love
and Thunder trailer.
And that just says a lot.
That says all you need to know about what Marvel's doing right now.
That was kind of it for me.
And then I just realized how much of a chore it became and how much I just didn't like,
I got fatigued with Marvel for a bit.
And I just stopped uploading because I just wanted to watch the trailers and I didn't
want to have to set up everything and react and upload.
I just wanted to talk to my friends about it.
And so it kind of backslid.
But I got followers on Instagram from the YouTube.
That's how it like kickstarted a little bit.
And then I just met a community of film people on Instagram through my friends and I grew
that more.
And it just became like more of my Instagram just became like more of a post about like
my film stuff and like what I'm doing and the friends that were hanging out and creating
shorts and fun like edits with each other and that I guess is where it headed a little
bit.
I kind of want to get back into YouTube and I've just been debating it a lot because it
did become a little toxic with a lot of the comments and the weird creepy DMs that I would
get from things like that.
And I was like, I just is this even worth it anymore?
But I uploaded the other day my first short that I ever made and I uploaded that to my
YouTube to be like, this is probably where I want the direction of my YouTube to go to.
I want it to just be me.
I don't want it to just strictly be reactions anymore.
I just want it to be like a place where I show it's my creative outlet.
And that's what I want to do it for.
Yeah, which I think I think is more prominent as well.
And it is interesting because yeah, I feel like isn't that the way of YouTube where you
just become the nerdy girl who reacts to the creepy DMs being the go to.
Did that make you feel kind of gross?
It did.
Yeah, definitely.
I just stopped reading the comments after like a year or so I was like, it started out
okay ish.
Yeah.
I mean, Captain Marvel was never met with much love.
And so I would get a lot of like, oh, she's overreacting.
No one can.
I almost cried in the first trailer because Captain Marvel meant something to me as a
kid.
And I was very, very excited for her movie.
And they marketed I mean, this was the first female like Marvel film like female led and
I was very, very excited and I come from a military background.
I wanted to do in the Air Force at one point it was because of her.
So it was it meant a lot.
And but then it started to like the comments got a little better and they were just like,
Wow, I love these reactions love how you're like straight to the point.
But then it did get it just got they were they were fetishizing and like, I would dye
my hair and they'd be like, Where's the blonde?
What happened to the blonde?
You're I'm done.
I'm not subscribing anymore.
You're not blonde anymore.
I'm like, Oh, okay.
It was just like and then it would get a little weirder.
And then they'd find my Instagram and then they'd like send DMS in there and I'm like,
I just I stopped reading them after a while.
As soon as I uploaded my video, I exited YouTube and didn't look at him again.
That's entirely fair.
And I mean, like, you know, I think quite a prominent time before even like even pre
covered to now versus like, you know, I feel like a little bit of people are a little bit
more respectful in the DMS than they used to be where it's like you get less and less
creepy creepy people on the internet just going you're hot.
You're you're sexy.
Oh, yeah.
And I think it's really weird because it's like, you know, isn't that the the way of
just if you're a nerdy girl that automatically, you know, the comment section just floods
with that kind of like negative connotation.
Yes, always, because it's either met with weird fetishization or it's oh, well, you're
a girl.
You actually don't know anything that you're talking about.
Yeah.
And it's like, OK, sure.
Go ahead.
Tell me that is like I bet you don't even read the comments or the comics.
And I'm like, I could show you my Spider-Man collection if that would make you happy.
But no, they would you know, there's always in that it's always hard in that fandom, anything
like superhero wise, it was always like the men who felt like, you know, they had that
was theirs that couldn't be taken away from them by females.
I think this the two most toxic fandoms online has got to be like Spider-Man fans and Star
Wars fans.
Yeah.
They're they're they're ruthless.
They're sometimes sexist and racist.
So it's it's not it's not fun to be on that side.
It's also like Batman fans.
I find like anyone is a Batman fan.
Yeah.
Because I am under the belief that as much as like and I had this firmly when I saw The
Dark Knight, I remember I was like, that is a fine film.
Like it's a it's a fine film.
The thing that makes it is Heath Ledger.
Yes.
The reason that everyone praised it was he passed away not that long after.
And that was why it stayed in the public consciousness because they were like, well, he died.
And I remember saying to one of my friends, I was like, I reckon if he had never died,
everyone would have just been like, that's a good role, but he's done better since.
And like, this friend of mine absolutely did not want to hear that.
And they got so mad at me.
And I was like, how?
Like, you know, this is like the point of being an actor is you are always going to
do a better project later.
But The Dark Knight, I remember particularly because I was like, I just I watched it once
and I was like, I've watched better superhero films.
I'm like, I was like, I'm seeing better.
And I was I was just met with such like, you don't know filmmaking, you don't know, like
you don't understand good quality films.
Like, you're an idiot, you don't know what you're talking about.
And I was like, really?
Is that what I met with?
If I don't like something that toxic, like you're it's like, you're not allowed to have
an opinion because in my opinion, out of those, I like I love Nolan and but out of those three
Batman Begins is my favorite.
Like I love Batman Begins and Dark Knight is the next one that I love.
But again, I tell this to everyone.
I said it I wouldn't have loved it if it wasn't Heath Ledger Joker.
Like I feel like if I took that out, I would have liked the movie, but I definitely would
not have loved the movie.
And so I was like, Heath makes that movie for me.
But that's not why you know, Batman Begins is still a better movie to me.
Yeah.
And that's met with a lot of like, it's like, oh, okay, because every single movie that
has come out in the past, like few years is always compared to Dark Knight.
It's always like, oh, this is the new Dark Knight of the and this is compared to Dark
Knight.
And it's like, why are we still using that movie as a comparison?
It's just like that was great for its time.
But also, why is every single thing met with comparison to the Dark Knight?
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm more of a Superman fan than a Batman fan.
But I still think those three are pretty great.
Yeah, I find it really interesting as well.
And I guess I guess from the perspective of like, growing up and being in such niche fandoms,
like growing up, I loved Doctor Who, I loved Stargate, I loved all these sort of random
shows that people had never watched in my friend groups.
They were like, these shows are like for our parents.
Why the fuck would we watch them?
I was like, because they're great content.
Yeah, you just knew you knew ahead of you ahead of their time.
Yeah.
And I think it was like, you know, the the factor is now because of the populist consciousness,
and because of like, mass media and like growing and everything, people think they're entitled
to how things shape and how things go.
And I think that's where we go wrong in fandom, because you have no like control over like,
where the money goes, unfortunately.
And I mean, like, everything's conglomerate, or I was like, everything's owned by Disney
now.
Everything's owned by like, you know, Sony, like, those are the big properties.
And you you, you see the the factor is now it's all business.
It's never, you know, it's never making a film for the passion anymore, which is what
like, you know, Marvel and you know, even 1989 Batman did, you know, they made it for
passion rather than profit.
And you suddenly go the moment profits in it, the whole product just goes and does a
180 and just goes, here's how great it is.
And you're like, it's not a story.
Yep.
It's like the minute they're like, oh, this makes a billion.
But this is what we're going to do.
We're going to pump it out fast.
But we're just we're not going to give a lot of care into it.
We just know what's going to make us money.
And we'll give it that.
Yeah.
I mean, like, you know, and I think, did you particularly growing up in North Dakota
and growing up in a military family, were you kind of the old kid out?
Was that being the nerdy kid?
It was.
It was a little, a little bit of both.
So in middle school, so I moved around a lot to like start it all.
I was 10 when Iron Man 1 came out and I saw that in a drive in theater.
And I remember really, really liking that movie.
Like that was I love saying that I was like, yeah, I was there since day one.
I've been there since the beginning.
But I didn't really fall in love with specifically Marvel until 2012 and like the Avengers came
out.
Yeah.
So in 2013, I was back in North Dakota, kind of starting my high school year, and I had
gone along loving superheroes.
Smallville is my all time favorite show.
So like, like that was to me, you know, Superman was my first and then, you know, Toby McGuire's
movies, my Spider-Man, and then finally, like Marvel, everything just kind of like came
together over the years.
And I wouldn't say that I was necessarily like left out.
I will say I was looked at weird because I was the girl who wanted a Spider-Man backpack,
or my brother would get all the Superman and the Spider-Man and all those kind of toys,
but I didn't.
And I did find in high school, I had like two different friend groups.
One was like, it's North Dakota.
So it was a very redneck farmers like that kind of cowgirl boots group.
And then the other group was my like nerdy guy friends, who we all see the Marvel movies
together every weekend.
We'd see a lot of movies together, but they were the ones who I would sit with and like
have deep conversations with like theories and things like that over these Marvel movies.
So that was nice to have, just to have someone to talk to about those things.
So I wouldn't necessarily it was, I wasn't left out.
I was just always like, I felt like if I was a boy, my love for them would be a little
bit more accepting.
But I will be thankful for like the guys that I did have in high school who like I was able
to talk about them with.
However, I only talked to like one friend from high school now.
Like I don't talk to anybody else from high school.
I have like one friend that I occasionally like text every once in a while.
And he's still like my Marvel buddy that I talked to things with.
And so it's always it's nice to have that.
But it was when I think I started to get into it was when I started to get into like Tom
Holland and now I'm 19 years old going to college and like I'm really into Spider-Man
right now.
And I want to I'm out of high school.
So I don't have all these guys like these friends to talk about this with.
I need to talk about this with someone because my family is fed up with me.
Like by this point and all my talking about it.
So I I created like an Instagram account where that started literally everything for me.
That starting this Instagram account actually like changed my future.
Which is fantastic.
Yeah.
It has like opened so many doors.
It's the reason I'm here in New York City right now.
So yeah, I started that so that I had a platform where I could just post whatever I wanted
about like and no care in the world because I was able to find people online who also
want to talk about the things I loved.
Because it sounds a little bit also like there was a sense that it was quite lonely.
Yeah, it was.
It was.
That's where it started again.
I started to like I annoyed my grandma so much when I lived with her because I just
like she was the one person I like talked to a lot.
And I try really hard.
She tried so hard to get into superheroes for me.
It was so cute.
She'd be like, what's that, what's that one witchy girl's name?
The one with the red hands.
I'm like, you mean Scarlet Witch?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like her.
And it was just cute.
But at one point, you know, it's like I need I just can't keep like burdening my grandma
with all this stuff.
And I had like I had my brother who was able to talk to a few times about these things,
but it's very like you know how you have like locals who love superhero movies, but then
you have the deep like theorists and the ones that deep dive into the online.
Like I got to know everything about this movie and all the in like all the details.
Yeah, it's like I couldn't really go into deep conversations with anybody because they'd
be like, oh, I mean, yeah, sure, I guess.
I was like, you guys just don't get it.
Because then when you find those people online, I was like, oh, my God, yeah, I can actually
like talk to you guys and have a like deep conversation about all these things.
Yeah, yeah, it's it's very like it's very free and very eye opening.
I think it's like, you know, because I'm like you, I talked to maybe one person from high
school, which you know, like, I've known him since I was like five.
So he's like essentially like an old family friend.
Like, you know, it's really interesting because a lot of the friends that I have now, it's
really interesting because I always like feel that I do have some friends who nerd out like
on superhero films on like, you know, I have two friends who I talk to a lot about like
Marvel and what they're doing and you know, like in terms of comic book storylines that
they're going to adapt.
And I have a couple of friends who I talked to about Doctor, like I have like little mini
groups that I nerd out with, but it's so interesting because at the same time, I feel like being
a such a deep, deep passionate nerd of something and a passionate lover of something is so
unique and very like specific.
And for like, you know, like I'm in the same, but I was like told to like for a long time
to grow up, like I was doing, I was like sticking, sticking to one thing that I was like really
passionate about this.
Or my favorite was like, oh, people aren't going to want to date nerds.
Like, you know, people don't want to be with like someone who's just obsessed with this,
you know, like they don't want someone with collectibles.
I feel like there was a little bit of a stigma around, but also like the other thing, the
other thing like was that if you were a nerd or something, like I have a lot of female
friends and I think I go quite fortunate because I was able to go and see movies and stuff
with them.
But there was a lot of assumption that we weren't dating, but everyone was like, you
two should date because you're both nerds of this thing.
And that was a constant pressure that was put on by people as well.
Did that happen to you?
I think, I mean, I want to say with that, probably that one guy that I'm still friends
with in high school, it did happen a few times.
It was like, oh, but you guys, you guys are always geeking out together and you guys are
always, you have so much.
I mean, I probably didn't help the case when I asked him out to prom because I wasn't like,
no one was asking me and I didn't want to go alone.
So I asked him cause you know, he was my best friend at the time.
I was just very casual.
I was like, Hey, you want to go to prom?
Cool.
But I never really, just relationships in general was never the great, like I didn't,
I've only had one boyfriend my entire life and it lasts like four months in high school.
So I don't even really like to count it because guy was a dick and I just, I didn't, I did
not like that situation.
But I guess that guy probably was the only pressure nerd wise, like where it was like,
oh yeah, you guys geek out a lot.
You know, you have a lot in common might as well like date.
And I was like, no, cause I see him as my brother.
It was like, it was kind of weird at that point.
But other than that, no, not really.
I mean, I found, I found like this whole new group, like this whole new set of friends
that I have out here that I, I love, like, I am so, so thankful for finding this group
that I have now.
I'm so blessed.
Oh my God.
We all have so much in common now, like, cause I found the nerd group that is very into comics
and superheroes, but is also super, super heavy, like dreamers of becoming in film,
which is what I want to do.
And everybody else were always, always like this past few months, we've just been on everybody's
set just shooting like someone short or helping someone write this movie and little things
like that.
And, but I, again, back to the whole like relationship thing now, no, no, not too much
pressured other than that.
I'm probably that one guy in high school.
Yeah.
I mean, like, cause, cause I was going to ask, like, how do you view relationships?
Like are they something that you're like, why do people bother?
Or is it something that you've just never been interested in?
Like what are your stances on it?
I am a hopeless romantic, like point blank.
I am that, you know, I am dreaming of Prince Charming all the time.
I had this like obsession with this guy in high school for like four years.
And I had never said a word to him.
I didn't even really know him.
He just, he went to my church.
He was gorgeous.
And I, you know, like knew about him through friends and kind of like knew who he was and
he had a big family.
And I was just like, Oh yeah, that's, I'm going to marry him one day.
And now I'm like, girl, what were you doing?
You wasted four years of your life on this guy.
You never even said a word to.
And so, I mean, there's, there's that I've always, you know, I was that person too, who'd
be like, Oh, you Valentine's day or you romantic movies.
I don't like those.
Those are so unrealistic.
I'm like, no, that's, I am dreaming of my law of my, my, no, my notebook moment.
Like I very much want that in life so bad.
Like I have, I think my perspective of it has changed a little bit because I remember
growing up as a kid and being like, yeah, I want a husband, right?
As soon as like I'm an adult and I want kids immediately.
And then I realized how like I'd be giving up a lot of my life in the beginning.
Cause I was like, I want to get it right after high school.
Yeah.
Now, if I, if I did that, like you mentioned a lot, a long time ago, you were just like,
you know, if you had stayed in North Dakota, would that have been your life?
And I was like, probably because I wouldn't have gotten out.
There's only like a handful of guys around my age that I'd probably be stuck with.
I've been able to say that I lived my twenties in New York here because like I got out and
I'm still searching.
However, I am, I mean, I have love.
I am in love right now, actually is kind of fun to talk about.
I'm very much in love with my best friend right now.
And we have this situationship that's been going on for like a year in like three months
now.
And now when you say situations, it, oh boy, it is, it's messy.
I'll just, that's probably, that's why it's very messy.
And it's very much like there is an ex girlfriend involved.
And I mean, sort of, he doesn't, you know, not, not so much anymore.
Cause he's very much like, he's like, if I could change or if I could, you know, he's
like, I wouldn't look back if it was up to me, he was like, I would not look back right
now and we'd be together.
And I was like, oh, okay.
Um, but we're not.
And it's still, we are, and we aren't, that's, that's what's confusing.
And every time I try to like tell people this, they're like, huh?
It's like, what's, but wait, that's still going on.
What's going on?
I don't understand.
Um, it's just two, two friends who are in love with each other, but are focusing really
hard on our careers right now and not trying to put a label on anything.
And yeah, so that's kind of where we're at.
Cause like right now he's like, he just got me Valentine's gifts and we have like somewhat
of a movie plan idea and I've never had a Valentine's.
I've never been given flowers.
So I was always like, I'm a little skeptical on things like this is like, Oh, I, I, is
this since we're not really a couple, does this really count?
Or like, you know, I think I overthink so much into it.
Yeah.
But it's, it's totally fine.
It's yeah, we're, it's totally fine.
I mean, is this, is this become like a sort of like unlabeled casual friends with benefits
kind of like shtick don't know what to put it on it in a way, but also it's more than
that and it's hard.
That's why it's so hard because we are the way he's like the way I explained it.
And I told him, I was like, we're basically in a relationship with all the benefits, but
none of the responsibility.
Yeah.
And he's like, yeah, I know.
And he's like, I understand.
I totally, I see it that way too.
And we had kind of a rough reaction when like a lot of our friends found out.
And so there had been a lot of like this past year, us kind of just like hiding things,
not necessarily hiding is in secret.
We were just like, you know, not sharing any of our intimate, like, you know, like we wouldn't
hold hands in public if we were around our friends or we went like be that close or things
like that, just so we wouldn't make anyone like freak out.
Because like when you have two friends in a group and one of them just like broke up
with his girlfriend and then is with his friend and it's like, they're all like, what's, what's
going on?
What happened?
And it's so, it's a little messy.
But again, it's not like, it's not just friends with benefits.
It's definitely more because like we just had a conversation the other day where I,
you know, was like, listen, you don't see me in the long run.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.
And then he like broke down and was like, listen, you're the only person who understands
me.
And he's like, you're my person.
And so I was like, yeah, hear that for me too.
And it's like really hard because that's just who we are with each other right now.
And I think in this time, we still need each other.
But I don't want to hold out to like have any expectations.
I'm just trying to make my films and have a good life and see where things take me.
I don't because again, like I've had troubles like finding people.
Like I've never had, like I said, I never had a boyfriend other than that one in high
school for like four months.
I was like, I don't know if it's a me thing or what, but I was like, no one, there's no,
there's been no one until him.
And I just was like, I don't, I don't want to start over with what's your favorite color.
So we're just, yeah, taking things like literally day by day.
I think that's also like the most responsible thing, even though it sounds like a muddled
like chaotic mess.
But I mean, I've never met a relationship that didn't start out easy as well, like the
good ones.
Like I, I definitely think some of the better ones have started out really complicated and
ended up, but just made the most perfect sense.
I also, it's interesting because I was a little bit the same, but I definitely think when
I first met someone who was like really into me, it was just kind of like you put everything
into it.
And you know, I think I remember something that M and I, when we started dating, we went
to one date and we both just sat there crying because we didn't want each other to be like
absolute assholes.
Like we were just like, we don't want to just keep restarting, you know, from, from the
get go.
So it was a really nice like point to start a relationship and be very open and honest
with each other.
But it is interesting because there's only so much emotional turmoil that you can also
drag yourself out with.
And it's not, I mean, this is the thing as well.
Like I always say this, but like, you know, there, there was a lot to be said about, you
know, being, you know, emotionally close and physically close with someone because you
put everything into it.
And you know, it's that chemistry, it's that like human proximity where like, oh, you know,
like we need to be together.
And I think a lot of it is like relationships, you know, it's like we said to you are hopeless
romantic.
Relationships never go the way we think they do.
And we never end up with the person in our dreams.
And it's always much more like complicated, but it's interesting because I'm, you know,
quite similar to you in, in the regards that it's just, it's very lonely when you sort
of think it's a you problem and it's very much like, am I, you know, and not lovable,
am I, is this like, and, and it's like, it's so many false, you don't want to live in false
hope.
You don't want to constantly live in, in false hope and not feel like you're worth someone's
time and you want to publicly express that and know that you can be outwardly in love.
But you know, that's, that's the fucked thing.
It's also like, are you a deeply emotional person?
Yes.
Very, very deeply, very emotional, very anxious attachment style type person.
So I feel things times 10.
Yeah.
Can be crippling.
Is that weird people out because I know like being one of those people, it can be very
kind of like people don't know what to do with it.
And they kind of go, Oh, that's a lot to deal with.
I'm just going to put you in the too hard bucket.
See that's how I view myself.
I'm like, I think that's what I think people think of me.
However, apparently, you know, I've, I've talked to some of my friends about it and
they're like, honestly, Leah, you for the longest time were a mystery to me.
They were like, I didn't, I'm still like finding things out about you after being friends with
you for almost seven years.
And it was because I always thought I was just too much, but apparently I was to them.
They were like, not enough.
Like not in that negative term, but as in like, I was a very quiet person.
I very much held back, kept my emotions within.
I'm a very emotional person, but it wasn't something that I shared.
It wasn't something that I did out outwardly.
It was a very inner emotional, like personal beat up.
And I kept a lot of things to myself.
People would have to kind of sometimes pry that from me.
And I remember the guy that I'm, I'm just going to say the guy that I'm with right now.
He remembered, I remember him telling me that he was like, you know, sometimes that it hurts
the people around me because I'm holding with so much in and all they want to do is help.
And they can't, if I'm holding back too much and not letting them in.
And so that's something he's kind of actually taught me to do a little bit more.
And now I'm becoming kind of, I'm becoming more open and more aware of my feelings and
not too like, I'm not scared to say them as much anymore.
And I'm, I'm glad.
So I don't, I'm not at the point where I think I'm too much.
I do apologize for a lot because I cry a lot now.
I realize I was like someone who never cried, like in front of people.
And now I was like, now I get kind of a little too emotional, especially around him when
I'm talking about my feelings.
And I'm like, I'm like, I don't even know why I'm crying.
I'm totally fine.
It's just, they won't stop coming.
So it's like one of those now.
So I don't, I don't want to say, I don't think it's too much, or at least I, I hope it's
not, but I do always, always feel like I have some sort of burden with me where I'm like,
now that I talk a little bit more, I'm like, oh, now I'm just too much.
Now no one can handle me.
Now I'm, maybe I keep telling myself I need to revert back.
I need to keep quiet again.
I need to stop being too open because I liked, it was a little comforting when I would keep
things to myself because I could suffer in silence.
And I'm very, I need people around me to be happy.
That's kind of a little controlling factor, I know, but it was like, if the people around
me aren't happy, then I just get like, I freak out because I'm like, oh God, like, how do
I make them happy?
How do I make them, how do I make, you know, cause I used to, my mom used to be very, very
temperamental and she would get like, she'd have angry, she has like anger management
problems and if she was angry around the house, then the whole house was walking on eggshells.
And I remember just trying to do like anything and everything to help and try to make mom
happy so that the rest of the house could be happy.
And so I think a little bit of that trickled into who I am and things like that.
We love a little sprinkle of childhood trauma.
Again, I think, yes, I am very much an emotional person, but I try to give just enough to where
I can still let people in, but I still do hold back a little bit where I'm like, I won't
be a burden.
Which is really interesting because like I have that mentality too.
And I think that, you know, childhood trauma, like trickle it in as you were saying, but
you know, I really think about it even at 32, I love my family to bits, but it's sort
of like, they are very kind of private and even my brother who, you know, like I'm close
to, but I'm not super close to.
And I think I always felt like I was the difficult child, like I was the older one out.
And you know, like I was a handful and mom kept saying like, Oh, don't be too much for
people, you know, always, you know, don't be too much.
Oh, you're putting yourself too much out there.
Oh, people don't want to hear this.
Like, and so I can relate to that.
And I think it's also like, I know there was a, there was a huge sense, like, and I've
always sort of been just like very open about like how I feel about something, which I think
has also taken my family off guard because they're very filled with politeness.
And I'm like rather just, you know, uh, make people happy and make people feel wanted and
cared about.
And I often think of that, like where your heart and your slave and emotionally care
about people.
But it's also, it's very nerve wracking because it's like, at the same time, like that fear
of rejection is still so like, am I going to be too much for someone?
So if I put it on the back burner and don't be too much, will they want to be my friend?
Will they want to not know me?
Like, you know, um, and I definitely, I think really it's, and it's such an older mentality
as well, like when you get into your adulthood, but you always feel like you're, you have,
like what can you value to give to your friends?
Why would they still want to come back to you and be your friends?
And why would your partner want to still come back to you and be your partner?
Like you're like, and I remember for ages, and I don't know if this is like you as well,
but you're like, are my interests, like my, you know, fandoms and my wife, the interesting
thing about me, but you know, what am I without my hobbies?
Am I not interesting?
Have I got nothing of worth or value to give to people if I'm not offering like my entire
self to them, to people, please them.
And I mean, do you, do you feel like that's been you growing up?
I had, I have, I very, very big, like people pleasing.
It's been something that apparently is not very subtle in my life, where I was like,
you're such a people pleaser.
And it's like, yes, I know.
I understand.
It is because I just want you to like me.
And so I have, I definitely have people pleaser.
I'm really trying to, you know, I don't want to give up on that, but I'm trying to not
let it like be taken advantage of, but I definitely am someone who, if I, I'm very good at reading
people I feel like, cause I have, I have pretty good, I don't want to like, you know, like
brush my shoulder and say I have really good intuition, but I do feel like I have pretty
good.
I have pretty good intuition and I'm really good at reading people and I, I always try
really hard to adapt to that person.
You know, if they like something I'm going to try to, you know, they say it's a show.
They really love the show.
I'm going to go home and I'm going to watch that show.
So they have someone to talk about it with, or if they have a book and they're talking
about this book and they're like, Oh my gosh, you should read this book.
I'm going to go home and read that book so that they like feel seen, feel heard.
I guess it was something, you know, like I've always wanted somebody to do that for me,
but I love doing that for other people.
And so like I would have, um, but then I started to like, this is where it got crippling because
then I stopped knowing who I was because I was so, I was so into everybody else's hobbies
and everybody else's like interests.
And I don't know like what kind of music I want to say, like, I don't even know really
what kind of music I like because I'm over here listening to, you know, these certain
bands because this is the vibe of one person or I'm listening to grunge over here because
you know, my best friend loves this or I'm watching these movies.
I got, I used to be such a hater on DC.
I'm so sorry, but like even as a Superman fan, it was very biased because I just loved
like Smallville.
Um, but I was very much like that, you know, only Avengers, no Justice League kind of a
girl.
And then I move up here and everybody's a DC fan and I don't want to be like, Oh, well,
okay.
So I'm just going to sit here and watch all of the, like, I'm going to be so into Zack
Snyder, I'm going to be so into like everything right now and so that like they'll see me
trying and they'll be like, Oh, she likes DC too.
Cool.
I can talk to her now because I feel like, Oh, if she didn't like DC, I'm not going to
give my, I'm not going to like waste my time on her.
And I have this need to be like, I need people to need me.
And so probably not healthy.
Probably.
It's not really healthy.
I never used to like tell people my favorite shows or my favorite books or anything because
I always was like, what's the point?
No one going to care.
I tell people, Oh, my favorite show is this.
And they're like, Oh, never heard of it.
And then they'll just talk about something else.
Or I tried to get one of my best friends from a while ago.
She got me into everything.
She was like, I like this band.
I was like, okay, I'm going to listen to that.
She was like, watch this movie, read these books.
You have to do this.
You have to get into this.
So I would, and I would drain myself trying to please her by getting to everything that
she liked.
But the minute I was like, Hey, my favorite childhood books was the Maze Runner.
Do you ever think, you know, maybe here they are.
If you want, you want to, and they're also got a movie if you want to watch the movie.
And the entire friendship, she never did that.
I talked to her years later and found out that she had like one of her roommates made
her like watch it.
And she was like, Oh my God, like Maze Runner is so good.
I love it.
And I was like, wow, that's great.
Good to know it, you know, it was me.
It was just me that you didn't, you know, want to try it for.
And it's just, it's sometimes it's kind of hard when you try so hard for all these people
and then you're met with nothing.
It's not like I want nothing because I still will continue to be that person.
Cause I know what it's like not to have it.
And I don't want people to feel that.
And so I tried to go above and beyond a little bit and be like, yeah, this is your favorite.
I'm going to, I'm going to enjoy, I'm going to want to like try it.
Even if I don't like it, I'll tell you straight up.
I didn't really like your show, but I watched it and I'll give that to you.
And you know, you can have me to talk about that with.
I just want to be like needed in that.
I want people to be like, Oh, I want to go to Leah to talk about this.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
I know that.
I know that entirely.
Yeah.
It's, it's really kind of like, you know, the, the factor of the matter is like, and
I have such obscure things that I love and you know, like half a dozen people have never
watched them.
And I have like two friends.
My wife has sat down and watched so much with me that she never would have grown up with.
And I've tried some of her shows growing up and we've both watched, you know, discovered
like, Oh, we like this show more than we thought we would.
And you know, like, we'll watch it all.
Or some shows were just like, that was okay.
But we just didn't like it as much as we thought.
And I definitely think, you know, like we're going through all the Pixar films, we're
going through the Disney films and we, you know, like occasionally we'll watch them really
bad, like soap movies that we, you know, like love, hopeless romantic ones where it's like,
Oh, you know, like, yay.
And I'm sort of like, Oh, I've probably avoided this because I'm like, I wouldn't have watched
it when I was younger.
And she's like, do you want to watch it?
I'm like, Oh, yeah, all right.
I'll watch it, you know, like, because it's you.
But it's, it's really interesting because like, I know that feeling where you love something
and you want people to, you know, read or watch, especially with things you make.
And especially with like, I'm one of those friends who will watch, like if someone makes
a film or someone sends me something, I'll watch it.
And I'll always like, I'll try and read something or I'll try and get feedback for people if
I can.
But I never like people to feel like they're not worth my time.
And especially because like, I definitely have some friends who put 110% into the friendship
is vice versa.
And you know, and then I have other friends who only put like 10% in, they just go when
you need something, you know, like, and they, and it's amazing because I think that's sort
of like such the hurtful thing about it.
And I'm, you know, like for a long time that really struggled and it's like still struggles
with my anxiety and like plays on my like, how useful am I if not offering myself to
others to make useful because that's the only way they'll see like value in me.
And I definitely feel like that is really shrunk.
Like you know, that perspective is really shrunk, especially like, you know, I feel
like people just don't think too much outside of their little like, you know, their little
bubble, they're very like, I don't know, it's just, I'm not a very self-absorbed person.
I have never got the idea of thinking of number one as you and I love doing things for other
people and helping people and I just find it very interesting when people get very self-absorbed
and they just like project or they get very like, you haven't done one thing and they
suddenly get very angry at you for not, you know, and I think that comes with the people
placing when you do so much for someone you miss out on one thing and then they get really
angry that you haven't done this one thing for them.
Yep.
Why?
And it's like sometimes they only ever see like one way it's their way or the highway
and it's, it's, I don't know, do you know like enneagrams and stuff like that?
Like types?
I think I may have mentioned this to you.
I told you that, you know, I'm an INFJ, but I'm also my enneagram is a nine and you know,
you don't know that it's like a basically nines are heavy people pleasers and they will
avoid conflict at any cost and they are also someone who is always has to see like everyone's
side to things because of how much they like hate conflict and they want so much peace.
Like their ultimate nines ultimate goal is just peace and I definitely, I definitely
am a nine when I found that out, I was like, Oh, it makes sense.
I understand now.
And so it was, I think a lot of people's problems.
I'm just like straight up.
I think the world's problem is it lacks like perspective.
I cannot like express how much like how many things would be solved in just like friend
groups and stuff.
If people would just shut up and see the other person's perspective and it to me, I don't
struggle like with that.
I am always trying to be like that person in the group was like, okay, yeah, I see why
you want to do that, but you can also can't you also see why this person is not wanting
to like, how do you not, how do you not see that it's so it's so hard for people to put
themselves in other people's shoes and to me that's like a hard concept to like graphs
that you can't like people can't do that.
I was like, what do you, how do you go about just like only seeing one way.
So it's really hard sometimes when I'm having a conversation with someone and they're very
much like, they're like, Oh, I can't believe this person would do that.
I don't understand why they would want to, you know, why would they want to do this in
front of me and blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, well, because this, this and that, like, they grew up with this, they have
a fear of this, and they just want, you know, this, and then they're like, Oh, well, yeah,
I mean, I guess.
And I'm like, I don't know, it baffles me sometimes I'm just like, guys, it would be
so much easier if you literally took off these glasses and saw, you know, the whole situation
rather than just like what you want to do in just your opinion and the people that are
just like, Oh, it's got to be my way or the highway.
Like, no, you're hard to work with.
I'm not doing that.
I just also think, yeah, you just, you're really like hitting a nail on the head for
me, which I love.
But you know, like I feel that that is a lot of my friendships with people and a lot of
conflict I try to avoid.
I'm, but you know, you can't avoid everyone's conflict.
I remember I've had falling out with friends because I, you know, was too busy to call
them back, you know, cause of work or, you know, and I just, it was like everything okay.
And they were like, yeah, just wanted to call to catch up.
And I was like, Oh yeah, I'll arrange another time.
Like I'm just at work and then life would get busy, forget to call them back.
Cause brains like a sieve sometimes.
And they would be so like, you didn't put enough effort in.
And I'm like, you've called me like maybe twice in the space of six months and we've
just not had an alignment of time to meet up.
And you know, if we have, uh, one of us has had to cancel because of various different
like, you know, things and it's just like life and it's not that we don't care about
each other.
And suddenly people just go, Oh, I need you to call every week to make sure I'm okay.
And I'm like, even for me, that's too much.
Yeah, that's a lot.
That's a lot.
That's where I can see how you were talking about, you know, things being a little bit
like too much of a burden and too much.
I can't, you know, you can't be a little, you can't be too clicky with me.
You have to be like, there does need to be a little like, or not clicky, um, clingy,
clingy.
Yeah.
But it kind of reminds me like falling out wise.
I had like a, um, it's, it's funny now that we're like reconnected, but I had a best friend
that I met, you know, through the online, um, fandom and stuff.
And she was, you know, my best friend.
It was me.
This was the one I was actually talking about earlier where I was like, I watched this and
I watched that.
And, um, but you never watched this for me.
You know, I hate to like strictly just keep things, films and books, but I mean that like,
and you know, that's just the light topics of things that, you know, I want people to
like, any who, um, I, um, she, we, we were best friends for like a really good three
years, I want to say.
Um, and you know, best friends, I flew out twice to California to see her.
Um, and it was, you know, once was for end game.
When end game came out, we went and watched that together.
Another time was, uh, just, you know, like a surprise for her.
I think it was for her birthday and you know, like I did a lot of these things and then
we just kind of like when COVID happened, you know, things started to get like a little
rough in the group chat and she started to get into like a different, she just got into
a different life.
Um, she went to college, she got really into K-pop, um, and that just kind of like took
over her.
And I knew in the back of my head, I was like, if I, I was like, if I get into K-pop, I could
probably keep her as a friend because this is what we would, you know, this was the new
thing that I had to get into to be able to talk to her.
And I was like, but I would, I know how like, uh, K-pop, if you love K-pop, that is amazing.
That was great.
You're very talented, but I know how it can suck you in and that can be like your entire
personality.
And so I, um, I was like, okay, I, I, this is the one thing I can't do.
And then we just stopped talking.
We just slowly like just stopped and there was nothing, you know, it was an on no one.
It was just like a, um, just a distance thing.
And then it's been like, we're 2024.
So it's been like four years and we're just now like rekindling.
Like she messaged me, she reached out and she was like, I feel bad for the distance
that you know, I caused.
And she's like, I want to make up things.
So I don't know.
I'm testing the waters right now.
Not to be like, I've been down this road with so many people where it's like, you leave,
you leave me and then want to come back, but I don't know if you've changed.
Um, so I'm testing the waters to see like where we're at, um, and see how well it, you
know, how, how it goes.
And if things are still going to be like they were, I won't try as hard in this.
And there'd just be like one of those friends that I'm like, yeah, I'll talk to you every
once in a while, but I'm not going to get too attached.
Yeah.
I get that entirely.
I think it's also, it reminds me of, you know, a couple of friends.
So I've, I've got some close friends who I've, I've never met in person and have much more
in depth conversations than I do with people I see regular.
And they're like, and I think like.
You know, I remember particularly, you know, when I, I discovered that I was queer and
like, I was like, oh, I kind of, you know, and I sort of was like, oh, okay.
You know, I'm on the non-binary side of things.
And I remember talking to a few bunch of friends who were very like heteronormative and they
just didn't get that logic and they weren't accepting of it or they were just kind of
like, didn't know what to say.
And I was like, well, you can just say anything.
Like you can ask questions.
I'm not afraid.
And there was a real sense of like discomfort with some of them.
I mean, not all of them, but I definitely felt like there was sort of like, oh, okay.
That's kind of just annoying.
Like, you know, that friends are just choosing something based on, you know, like anything
like that.
But I mean, it was also like, I don't know, there was a huge, there's a huge thing of
like, if you, you know, and I felt like this is like with the film world as well.
And I just, I noticed it so much when you're making films, like it's a really make or break,
you know, like friendship mold when you're making films together, because it's like such
close proximity and hard work.
And then you're presenting something and making something and putting it all together.
And I definitely had some friends who just didn't love it as much as I did where I was
like, I'm just going to spend like ages working on something.
And then they'd be like, you know, you'd be coming, you know, like they'd be like, oh,
I'm doing so many other things and I'll just get to eventually.
And you do have this sense of like, I have one particular friend who I'll always send
like film stuff to and we watch each other's stuff and support each other.
And we've known each other for like six years, but it's, it's always like, we have had more
venting conversations about like people we've worked with and, or people we've dealt with
or people who didn't give us enough credit or, you know, people who just kind of like
sidelined us.
And I think the thing is like, I just, I don't like toxic behavior.
I really think it's appalling.
It's it's bad.
I'm so cautious about people like I'm, it's funny that you say like, you're good at intuition
and like, you know, reading people.
I'm like, I'm, I'm the same.
I'm really good at like seeing through BS and you know, like I, I, I automatically feel
like I, I'm, it's funny.
Like I'm even saying this now, but I feel like I know you more so like I'm talking to
an old friend than I am with someone who I don't know, which is a kind of weird feeling.
Oh, I totally get it.
Yeah.
I'm feeling it right now is you're just like, it's like, oh yeah, you've been my internet
friend for years.
Yeah.
It's casual right now.
That's what it feels like.
Yeah.
And I think it's like, you know, for me, that's the start of a good friendship rather than,
you know, the sort of pinnacle point because it's like, you know, I sort of, I always feel
like people come with trepidation, they come with rules, they come with like concerns and
everything and like, I don't know what makes, when you meet someone, what makes it click
for you?
What makes it like, oh, I want to be this person's friend.
Immediately like their energy, like how they, sometimes it's hard with some people because
I know I'm, I'm like this where I can be a little quiet on first like meetings.
Especially like if it's in person, I feel like once I'm online or if I'm doing something
like that, I'm just, I don't care.
But I just have to like, I have to know where your energy levels are at so that I know where
I fit into this.
So if you come, like if you're new to a group and you come in and you are like very extroverted,
very loud, love that, that's you.
That's, I mean, amazing.
But then I know that I'm going to probably submit myself to be the more quiet one.
But if I'm in a group where no one's talking and everyone's got this like kind of shy behavior,
I'm here like, hey guys, how you doing?
My name's Leah, what's your name?
And I'll get to be like the bubbly like one that'll start things.
So it's like, I play, I got, I have to like read your energy first so that I know where
I can fit in.
I will say I have probably hard time.
I grew up, I have a hard time with like girl friendships, which I hate and I wish I didn't.
But I grew up a lot with like my, my dad has like four brothers.
So I grew up around my uncles, my, my, my, I have brothers, just brothers.
And I have, you know, my dad wasn't always there.
He was in the military.
He was gone a lot, but my uncle, you know, my mom's brother, whatever, I was over.
And so I have a lot of like guy bring ups and, and then, you know, middle school is
where I kind of found, you know, a bunch of girls and was friends around that.
I felt comfortable there.
But once I got to high school, I had maybe two girlfriends.
But that was it.
That was the only, the only two that I wanted to like would talk to.
The rest were just like guys.
And then I come up here and right now I'm in like a group chat with just guys.
I lived in a house with just guys.
I have, it has just been like guy friendships forever until, and then I have, I have two
girlfriends right now who are my everything and they are the ones I met through like the
Tom Holland fandom.
And I'm so glad that I am still best friends with them, but I always fear that what, if
I were to be in person with them, they, it wouldn't work out.
I feel like because I have a distance with them sometimes it, you know, through it being
online, you know, one lives in Utah, one lives in North Carolina.
And so I feel like we're able to, we're able to all, you know, we're not constantly together,
but we're always there just enough for each other.
Because I've noticed when I get around other girls, I get very timid because they always
need to be like, there's always some that just need to be the louder ones in the group.
And then there's always like, there's just a lot of things I don't connect well with
because I didn't have such a, like a woman growing up.
Like I didn't, I had my mom, but she also was just like, she was also someone who I
drank Monsters with and played Call of Duty with at night.
So it wasn't even like, I didn't, she, I didn't learn makeup.
I didn't learn hair.
I didn't, not to be like stereotypical about like womanhood, but I didn't have, you know,
a lot of that.
And so it's hard for me sometimes to click with girls because of that.
And so I noticed, I really don't know where I was going with this, but, but yeah, that's,
that's that.
So I was just like being around, you know, guys has just been a little easier just because
I feel like, I think it was mostly because of this nerdy side, because they were the
ones who, you know, I know, and I a hundred percent love the girls that are out there
who are, you know, into all this stuff as well, because I'm friends with some of them
now, but like in, in high school and stuff like that, no other girl was going to the
movies with us to watch these and actually go there for that.
If they went, they went with their boyfriends or they went and they'd be like, huh, what's
going on?
This isn't for me.
And I'd be like, that's totally chill.
But also I was like, and I don't have any girl to talk to about these things.
Because when it was sleepovers, it was just like, Oh, this boy.
And it's like, I loved doing that too.
Don't get me wrong.
But then if I wanted to bring up something that I liked, I wasn't met with anything back.
Yeah.
I totally get that.
It's funny.
Like it was the reason I ended up marrying my wife, which she's very similar.
But you know, she, she is like a massive Taylor Swift fan and wasn't really particularly a
girly girl, didn't really fit in liked nerdy things.
Had a particular like different upbringing and was just like a film lover.
And I think that really kind of alienates you.
It's just, you know, cause we're like, you want, like, she was never interested in talking
about boys in school either.
And I just think there's always that like sense of connection that we don't want.
And it's really interesting because I think, you know, like I get that worry, like I get
that sort of like trepidation, but I think I can also see when I'm like, Oh, I can definitely
get along with this person in real life.
And I know that even being online and in real life that friendship's going to last because
there's always ones that I think it's come from like growing up with friends who have
moved away and seeing that friendship dissipate where it's like, I've started friendships
from a long distance.
And then when I see each other in real life, it's really nice and it does last.
You know, and it doesn't always happen.
Like it's not always like completely flawless, but I think like, you know, always are the
fact that you grew up in a military family and that you're surrounded with like brothers.
There's a lot of elements that you remind me of like one of my friends who's very much
the same.
She was the only daughter in a group of boys and it was very like, she just kind of gravitated
towards male friends because that was what she knew.
And then like when she does have a few female friends, but you know, like it was just one
of those things that I think like you gravitate towards and makes you feel at home, but it's
interesting.
I mean, like, do you think that's where a lot of your anxiety and mental health like
worries have come from?
I definitely, yeah.
It's always, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression back in 2019.
It was almost reassuring to get that and be like, oh, so that's why I feel like this.
And I was on some medication for a while, but then I was on anxiety meds and then for
like a few months and then COVID hit and that was basically like, that was like, oh, no
one can leave.
Everybody has to stay inside.
So I was like, well, most of my anxiety stuff is gone because I'm just, you know, chilling
having coffee with mom every day and not having to do anything.
So I stopped taking my meds after that.
And I don't think, I feel like lately I've been better than I have been with it.
It's not as, I deal with anxiety, definitely the same.
It's become a little bit more situational now, but depression I still get every once
in a while.
I have like deep episodes.
I think it was always, it was just kind of, I think with the guy friends and stuff, it
did feel lonely.
I would always see girlfriends, you know, have their best friends and have their things
together and I'm like, ah, I want that so bad.
And I had that a little bit here and then I screwed that up.
Like I had two friends here and then the whole situation ship things started to happen and
that tore apart those friendships.
And it was just, it was, it sucked.
But a lot of times being like a girl in a guy's like environment can go like one of
two ways.
You can either be the girl who, you know, they give a lot of the attention to and they
all want to like put their focus on and you know, that's the only girl or you become their
sister.
And sometimes it has good days where you're like, oh, I'm the girl in the group.
They're a little protective, you know, they're, you know, it can be like that, but I feel
like a lot of the times with me, I'm just another one of the guys where I'm not necessarily,
it's hard to explain because I'm a part of that, but I'm not, I'm not one of the boys.
But I'm also not, you know, but I'm also just kind of like, oh yeah, Leah's here.
Oh yeah, she's, you know, she'll, she'll hand it this, but I'm not the one though.
Like, I'm not the one they're going to like gossip to or talk to like that.
I'm there strictly just like, it depends on the group.
I feel like one-on-one with a lot of these, you know, friends I have are great.
And I have some like best friends.
And when I'm in like certain groups with just a few of them, I feel seen.
But I, when I'm in like this like bigger group, because I've been in these, I've been friends
with them for so, so, so long.
I just am just like there, you know, there's no like, that's where I start to like contemplate
and get anxious about like my importance and my worth.
And I'm like, if I was here or if I wasn't here, it doesn't matter.
Like I'd start to think that about myself.
Because I'll tell you the most stereotypical thing that had just recently happened when
we went to Jersey to go shoot one of our friends short.
I wasn't necessarily needed there, but it was fun.
You know, we were all going to hang out, have a sleepover at this, you know, house for the
weekend and shoot a film.
It was fun.
And I loved it.
But also I cooked breakfast and I cooked dinner.
I would cook breakfast again.
And then the, like my best friend, the guy that I'm with like right now, he was like,
I see what you're doing and I hate this for you.
Please just go sit and relax.
Let me cook dinner.
And I was like, thank you.
Because it immediately turned into Mama Leah, which sometimes I find fun.
And sometimes I'm like, yeah, I take care of my boys.
But also I'm like, man, is that what I'm really here for?
It's still like one of the, like this group is still amazing.
And I still like appreciate and love them a lot because they have gotten me so far in
life and they have pushed me and they're still there for me.
And I have like, again, like I said, once it becomes a big group, you know, it's a little
harder.
But I've got my select few that I've been friends with since like, I'm 26 now.
I've been friends with them since I was like 19.
Some of them, they were like 15, you know, it was all through online and they were just
like just friends who were like, we'd play like Fortnite every once in a while or we'd
or I would like chat with them every once in a while.
We'd have like group FaceTimes and just, it was just fun up until.
And then I moved to New York City for most of them because a few of them, like I moved
out here for school, but I met my best friend.
He had gone to film school and I was like, oh, because I was going to school for nursing.
I forgot I didn't, I didn't say that yet, but I went to school for like nursing and
I was like, it was so stereotypical of me to like get out of high school, go to college.
I was going to go to nursing.
I was going to have that life.
And I was like, this is not what I want to do.
I want to make movies.
And I found, you know, my friends did that here.
And so I moved out for school and I had the safety net of knowing I had friends out here
and it was, it's great.
And I still, I love it because now I know that it's been a minute.
I feel like it's taken me a while to really kickstart anything, but now I'm finally like
taking really good production classes, finally making my first short, things like that.
And I've had it with all of their help.
And so it's been, you know, really beneficial.
It's just sometimes, you know, you get, you're at the, you're a girl, you have those, you
know, you have those thoughts in your head where you're like, nah, if I was a boy, you
know, I'd be definitely seen different in this friend group.
Yeah.
I mean, like, does that come across in like things that you want to make as well?
Like in terms of stories you want to tell?
I think a little bit.
My first short, I'll do a little plug here.
My first short is called Anna.
It's on my YouTube channel and on my Instagram.
And it is, it's just like a minute and a half long.
It's not long at all.
It is a little short about this feeling like you are alone, even though you are surrounded
by people.
It's like, I'm sure a lot of people could like relate to it.
If you've ever been in a crowd or you've been around a group of friends, but there's always
something of you that just feels like I'm still alone.
Like I don't have that.
It plays on that.
And it also plays a little bit on like wanting to be independent and thinking that's what
you want and feel like that's where you're going to strive.
But deep down you want those deep connections.
So like I have Anna who's like sitting at a picnic or a coffee table and she notices
these two best friend girls, these two girl best friends.
So yeah, wait a minute.
I guess this does definitely play into my shorts because she looks up these two best
friends.
They're laughing and they're giggling and they're being girls and she kind of like smiles
and she's like, that's cute.
But also, wow, I wish I had that.
And then she hears like this laughter behind her and she turns around and it's this couple,
this guy and a girl.
And they're like super romantic and cute and kissy and stuff like that.
And then this is where she like turns back and she starts to freak out.
And she's like, oh my God, like this is not, being alone isn't what I want.
I don't want this independence.
I want that best friend.
I want that relationship.
And then a little bit of a spoiler alert.
She's in this minute of a panic and then she wakes up.
She snapped out of a dissociative state and she's surrounded by all those people.
She's at this one table with all like the two girls are there, the couple is there and
the guy is like, he's like, Anna, come on, let's go.
And then they all start to get up from the table, walk away.
But she's struggling to get up and walk away with them.
So there's a lot in there that's not very subtle.
It's kind of pretty much in your face of like, yeah, this is kind of how I feel.
This is very much, I feel like I'm surrounded sometimes.
This is not like how I feel all the time, but it's always been like, it's transferred
from high school to now where I'm like, I've always been in these bigger groups.
Of friends, I've always had like big cliques.
And it's always like, when you have that sometimes you start to blend in and you lose a little
bit of like, you don't stand out as much.
And that's what I want.
I want to be someone who like, I want to be the one that makes people laugh.
I want to be the one that people go to for advice and just things like that.
So when you're surrounded by such big group, you kind of lose some of this.
And so she's alone in this feeling.
Like she's around people, but she still feels pretty alone.
And she craves nothing more than just this one-on-one like connection with people.
I love that.
I just love that.
I think that's a really like, you know, a poignant story.
And it just like, I mean, my real question also is like, I guess for you, you know, where
do you see that part of your career going in the next five years?
Like, where's that going for you?
I want to start by like continuing to like make, I want to build up.
I have like ideas for little shorts here and there that start to big up or start to build
up to a bigger short, to like a full 20 minute thing.
And eventually opening to, you know, once I have all this practice and once I start
to get like, I'll have an idea for a feature film.
I've definitely had ideas of like this situationship that I'm going through right now.
It's given me a lot of material for like a feature movie that I'd definitely have seen
playing in my head.
Or, you know, I have this idea of trying to make like these best friends, this trio.
I want to make like a movie about a trio of girls.
And what about the one that doesn't connect with either of them?
Just little things.
And so five years, I'm not entirely sure because I've noticed one thing, time goes by hella
fast.
So it's, well, hopefully, I feel like in the past year, I've been kickstarting a lot more.
So right now my goal is just to continue to make, make, make, and just try to pump out
as much as I can start building up a reel of sorts.
And then I guess like I've noticed the easiest way right now to get into the industry is
to, you know, start your work as a PA, kind of get your foot in the door type of a deal.
And I want to one day have enough together to where if someone's like, what do you, what
do you do?
What do you like to shoot?
What's your visuals like?
And I'll be like, here, this is my cinematography reel.
Like this is me.
And hopefully like, you know, just enough to where I can build up a little bit about
who I am and then hopefully get my foot in the door.
Hopefully someday I'm doing a little bit of everything where I'm like, I'm trying to DP
things.
It's a little hard when I'm around people who are a lot more experienced than I am.
And so they're the ones that they go to.
But I want to practice a little bit more with that.
I am, I've been doing a little bit more acting in a lot of my friends stuff.
So I want to get like stuff like that under the, under my belt.
Cause I really like to do that.
And I don't know, I'm all right now I'm focusing on my screenwriting class.
So I'm really trying to work on my writing skills, which I'm terrible at.
So definitely trying to like build up my skills in that and hopefully just, you know, see
where that takes me.
I want to make, you know, obviously a feature at one point and we'll see, we'll see how
long that takes.
Well, I'd love to read or see or shoot me anything.
I love, I love watching stuff.
Please do.
Please do shoot me script ideas.
I'd love to, I'd love to collaborate on something with you.
I would think that would be the bee's knees, honestly.
That'd be so fun.
Um, but, oh my God, I got so many ideas.
Just cause, just cause you're such a genuinely awesome person.
I'm just like, I could, I could literally just sit here forever listening to you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, I'm going to wrap this up, but I just, yeah, I could
listen to you for honestly forever.
Um, Leah, where can people find you on the internet though?
Where can they stalk you?
So the biggest place where I like to go, I'm a big Instagram, like I love it.
So you can find me at Leah Nicky 97.
That's my handle on that.
And then on YouTube, I'm just under Leah Nicole.
So that's my, that's my, most of the time when you type in Leah Nicole, I have, um,
I'm at the top, I think.
And my Avengers end game, if you see Avengers end game reaction, or you see anything with
Leah Nicole reaction, that's me.
Um, because my end, my end game one is what got like mostly people to notice.
Cause that got the million views.
Uh, so that's probably where you're going to find me on YouTube.
If you just see that type that, but Leah Nicole or Instagram, Leah Nicky 97, but those are
pretty much, um, I'm on Tik Tok a little bit, but I don't really, I don't post Tik Tok.
I'm just on there for, you know, the endless scrolling.
My handles the same as my Instagram.
I love that.
Um, I hope you've had fun.
I've enjoyed this, darling.
This is fun.
I like, I love podcasts.
I didn't realize I'm on today.
Enjoy this.
I'm so glad.
Um, always welcome back.
Please, please do come back.
And I can't wait to visit you cause I'm going to annoy you now.
Yes.
Um, yes, you are, you're stuck with me.
So I hope you know that this is like friendship.
I know we're like this.
Like we did it.
We're adulting.
I did it.
It's a big step for us.
I know it's so great.
Um, but thank you so much for joining me.
And if you want to go and check out more episodes of the things we do, you can check them out
Apple and Spotify.
I'll be speaking with another guest next week and I'll speak to you later.
Goodbye.
I'm Bob Wimbledon, see you guys soon.