1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:11,280
This is the Things We Do podcast, a podcast about film, life, television, culture, mental

2
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,920
health and all that fun jazzy stuff.

3
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,600
Today I've got my special guest and friend, Leah Rasmussen.

4
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:18,600
Hello.

5
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:19,600
Hello.

6
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:20,600
How are you?

7
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:21,600
Good.

8
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:22,600
How are you?

9
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:23,600
I'm very good.

10
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:24,600
I'm excited to be here.

11
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:25,600
This is fun.

12
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:27,440
I'm so glad you're so pumped.

13
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:28,440
I am.

14
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,440
I'm really excited.

15
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:30,440
I'm so glad.

16
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:34,760
So Leah, my first and foremost question, because I'm sure there's like a handful of people

17
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:40,640
on the internet who have seen you pop up on their nerd feeds, left, right and center.

18
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:45,480
I'm going to get you to do a little bio, a little bit of a backstory to who you are and

19
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,480
what you do.

20
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,480
Okay.

21
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,480
Yeah.

22
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:53,960
My name is Leah, as I said before, I am 26 years old and I live in New York City.

23
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:58,520
I'm originally from North Dakota, so literally middle of nowhere.

24
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,320
No one even knows it's a real estate.

25
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:10,560
I moved to New York in 2020, kind of at the end of COVID times.

26
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:17,360
It was just before that, I think it was in 2019 when I started up this YouTube channel

27
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:26,120
where I just needed a place to dump my reaction because I wanted to do reaction videos to

28
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:31,160
the new Marvel trailers that were coming out and I had no way to really send it to people

29
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:35,640
without it exceeding a certain amount of space on their phones.

30
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:43,080
So I just uploaded it to YouTube and my very first one was for Captain Marvel because I

31
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,520
had done them before.

32
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:49,840
I had done reactions and posted them on a fan account forever ago and that didn't really

33
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:50,840
go anywhere.

34
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,440
But then the Captain Marvel one is when I posted on YouTube and immediately hundreds

35
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,040
of thousands of views, just like first one.

36
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:02,720
And I was like, oh, okay, this was not what I wanted it for.

37
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,160
I just wanted it to have a link.

38
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:12,480
And then after that, I did, I think the next trailer too for Captain Marvel.

39
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,560
And then I was like, okay, this is what I'm just gonna be doing.

40
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,360
And like my friends started to say, so are you gonna do a reaction?

41
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,720
New trailer just drops.

42
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,140
And I just kind of kickstarted it from there.

43
00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:29,860
And then I started doing, it was only Marvel, I think at the beginning and I just reacted

44
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:34,480
to those and then I started to branch out a little bit more, did some like, I'm a big

45
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:35,480
fan of Tom Holland.

46
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:39,000
So I was doing any of his movies, any reaction to those.

47
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:45,360
And then it went into like some of the DC things and just normal movies.

48
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:50,240
And yeah, so that was my kickstart to my YouTube start.

49
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:58,000
Which is kind of funny that you've now kind of taken a back foot a little bit on YouTube

50
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:05,560
and like kind of brought over to Instagram and done then migrated away even there.

51
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,760
Like where's it going now?

52
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,440
Yeah, that's a very good question.

53
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,940
The last reaction I had done on my YouTube was like two years ago now for the Thor Love

54
00:03:14,940 --> 00:03:16,360
and Thunder trailer.

55
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,280
And that just says a lot.

56
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:22,560
That says all you need to know about what Marvel's doing right now.

57
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,480
That was kind of it for me.

58
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:28,320
And then I just realized how much of a chore it became and how much I just didn't like,

59
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,600
I got fatigued with Marvel for a bit.

60
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,560
And I just stopped uploading because I just wanted to watch the trailers and I didn't

61
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,600
want to have to set up everything and react and upload.

62
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,600
I just wanted to talk to my friends about it.

63
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,520
And so it kind of backslid.

64
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,720
But I got followers on Instagram from the YouTube.

65
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,600
That's how it like kickstarted a little bit.

66
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:58,360
And then I just met a community of film people on Instagram through my friends and I grew

67
00:03:58,360 --> 00:03:59,640
that more.

68
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:06,560
And it just became like more of my Instagram just became like more of a post about like

69
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:11,800
my film stuff and like what I'm doing and the friends that were hanging out and creating

70
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:19,000
shorts and fun like edits with each other and that I guess is where it headed a little

71
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,000
bit.

72
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:27,240
I kind of want to get back into YouTube and I've just been debating it a lot because it

73
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:33,480
did become a little toxic with a lot of the comments and the weird creepy DMs that I would

74
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,800
get from things like that.

75
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,880
And I was like, I just is this even worth it anymore?

76
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:44,760
But I uploaded the other day my first short that I ever made and I uploaded that to my

77
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:49,600
YouTube to be like, this is probably where I want the direction of my YouTube to go to.

78
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:50,920
I want it to just be me.

79
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,400
I don't want it to just strictly be reactions anymore.

80
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,160
I just want it to be like a place where I show it's my creative outlet.

81
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,040
And that's what I want to do it for.

82
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,440
Yeah, which I think I think is more prominent as well.

83
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:06,840
And it is interesting because yeah, I feel like isn't that the way of YouTube where you

84
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:14,520
just become the nerdy girl who reacts to the creepy DMs being the go to.

85
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,680
Did that make you feel kind of gross?

86
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:18,680
It did.

87
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:19,680
Yeah, definitely.

88
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:24,940
I just stopped reading the comments after like a year or so I was like, it started out

89
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:25,940
okay ish.

90
00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:26,940
Yeah.

91
00:05:26,940 --> 00:05:29,380
I mean, Captain Marvel was never met with much love.

92
00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:33,240
And so I would get a lot of like, oh, she's overreacting.

93
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,240
No one can.

94
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,760
I almost cried in the first trailer because Captain Marvel meant something to me as a

95
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:38,760
kid.

96
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:43,040
And I was very, very excited for her movie.

97
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:48,760
And they marketed I mean, this was the first female like Marvel film like female led and

98
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:53,240
I was very, very excited and I come from a military background.

99
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,840
I wanted to do in the Air Force at one point it was because of her.

100
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:01,240
So it was it meant a lot.

101
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:05,800
And but then it started to like the comments got a little better and they were just like,

102
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,280
Wow, I love these reactions love how you're like straight to the point.

103
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:15,000
But then it did get it just got they were they were fetishizing and like, I would dye

104
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,280
my hair and they'd be like, Where's the blonde?

105
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:19,280
What happened to the blonde?

106
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,280
You're I'm done.

107
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:21,480
I'm not subscribing anymore.

108
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:22,480
You're not blonde anymore.

109
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:23,480
I'm like, Oh, okay.

110
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:27,500
It was just like and then it would get a little weirder.

111
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:32,520
And then they'd find my Instagram and then they'd like send DMS in there and I'm like,

112
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,280
I just I stopped reading them after a while.

113
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:41,080
As soon as I uploaded my video, I exited YouTube and didn't look at him again.

114
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,600
That's entirely fair.

115
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:49,400
And I mean, like, you know, I think quite a prominent time before even like even pre

116
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:55,200
covered to now versus like, you know, I feel like a little bit of people are a little bit

117
00:06:55,200 --> 00:07:00,260
more respectful in the DMS than they used to be where it's like you get less and less

118
00:07:00,260 --> 00:07:04,320
creepy creepy people on the internet just going you're hot.

119
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,320
You're you're sexy.

120
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:06,320
Oh, yeah.

121
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:13,240
And I think it's really weird because it's like, you know, isn't that the the way of

122
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:23,780
just if you're a nerdy girl that automatically, you know, the comment section just floods

123
00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:26,160
with that kind of like negative connotation.

124
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:33,440
Yes, always, because it's either met with weird fetishization or it's oh, well, you're

125
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:34,440
a girl.

126
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,440
You actually don't know anything that you're talking about.

127
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:37,440
Yeah.

128
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,080
And it's like, OK, sure.

129
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,080
Go ahead.

130
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,960
Tell me that is like I bet you don't even read the comments or the comics.

131
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:51,560
And I'm like, I could show you my Spider-Man collection if that would make you happy.

132
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:59,600
But no, they would you know, there's always in that it's always hard in that fandom, anything

133
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:05,520
like superhero wise, it was always like the men who felt like, you know, they had that

134
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,560
was theirs that couldn't be taken away from them by females.

135
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:19,360
I think this the two most toxic fandoms online has got to be like Spider-Man fans and Star

136
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:20,360
Wars fans.

137
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,360
Yeah.

138
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:22,880
They're they're they're ruthless.

139
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,200
They're sometimes sexist and racist.

140
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:29,280
So it's it's not it's not fun to be on that side.

141
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,600
It's also like Batman fans.

142
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,960
I find like anyone is a Batman fan.

143
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:33,960
Yeah.

144
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:38,720
Because I am under the belief that as much as like and I had this firmly when I saw The

145
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:42,280
Dark Knight, I remember I was like, that is a fine film.

146
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,240
Like it's a it's a fine film.

147
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,920
The thing that makes it is Heath Ledger.

148
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:46,920
Yes.

149
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:52,280
The reason that everyone praised it was he passed away not that long after.

150
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:57,920
And that was why it stayed in the public consciousness because they were like, well, he died.

151
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:02,760
And I remember saying to one of my friends, I was like, I reckon if he had never died,

152
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:07,280
everyone would have just been like, that's a good role, but he's done better since.

153
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:12,480
And like, this friend of mine absolutely did not want to hear that.

154
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,960
And they got so mad at me.

155
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,920
And I was like, how?

156
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:20,360
Like, you know, this is like the point of being an actor is you are always going to

157
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,400
do a better project later.

158
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:28,360
But The Dark Knight, I remember particularly because I was like, I just I watched it once

159
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,760
and I was like, I've watched better superhero films.

160
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:35,320
I'm like, I was like, I'm seeing better.

161
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:41,560
And I was I was just met with such like, you don't know filmmaking, you don't know, like

162
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,720
you don't understand good quality films.

163
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,800
Like, you're an idiot, you don't know what you're talking about.

164
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,280
And I was like, really?

165
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:49,720
Is that what I met with?

166
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:54,120
If I don't like something that toxic, like you're it's like, you're not allowed to have

167
00:09:54,120 --> 00:10:00,480
an opinion because in my opinion, out of those, I like I love Nolan and but out of those three

168
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,560
Batman Begins is my favorite.

169
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:07,560
Like I love Batman Begins and Dark Knight is the next one that I love.

170
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,120
But again, I tell this to everyone.

171
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:14,160
I said it I wouldn't have loved it if it wasn't Heath Ledger Joker.

172
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:18,480
Like I feel like if I took that out, I would have liked the movie, but I definitely would

173
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,360
not have loved the movie.

174
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,800
And so I was like, Heath makes that movie for me.

175
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:28,640
But that's not why you know, Batman Begins is still a better movie to me.

176
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:29,640
Yeah.

177
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:34,600
And that's met with a lot of like, it's like, oh, okay, because every single movie that

178
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:41,240
has come out in the past, like few years is always compared to Dark Knight.

179
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,840
It's always like, oh, this is the new Dark Knight of the and this is compared to Dark

180
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:45,840
Knight.

181
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:50,400
And it's like, why are we still using that movie as a comparison?

182
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,600
It's just like that was great for its time.

183
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:57,200
But also, why is every single thing met with comparison to the Dark Knight?

184
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,200
Yeah, I don't know.

185
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,080
I'm more of a Superman fan than a Batman fan.

186
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:05,640
But I still think those three are pretty great.

187
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,160
Yeah, I find it really interesting as well.

188
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:17,360
And I guess I guess from the perspective of like, growing up and being in such niche fandoms,

189
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:21,880
like growing up, I loved Doctor Who, I loved Stargate, I loved all these sort of random

190
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,640
shows that people had never watched in my friend groups.

191
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,760
They were like, these shows are like for our parents.

192
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,600
Why the fuck would we watch them?

193
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,800
I was like, because they're great content.

194
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,720
Yeah, you just knew you knew ahead of you ahead of their time.

195
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:38,720
Yeah.

196
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:45,520
And I think it was like, you know, the the factor is now because of the populist consciousness,

197
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:51,120
and because of like, mass media and like growing and everything, people think they're entitled

198
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:55,360
to how things shape and how things go.

199
00:11:55,360 --> 00:12:04,680
And I think that's where we go wrong in fandom, because you have no like control over like,

200
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,240
where the money goes, unfortunately.

201
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:10,160
And I mean, like, everything's conglomerate, or I was like, everything's owned by Disney

202
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,360
now.

203
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:15,800
Everything's owned by like, you know, Sony, like, those are the big properties.

204
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:20,440
And you you, you see the the factor is now it's all business.

205
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:26,960
It's never, you know, it's never making a film for the passion anymore, which is what

206
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:32,920
like, you know, Marvel and you know, even 1989 Batman did, you know, they made it for

207
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,200
passion rather than profit.

208
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:41,840
And you suddenly go the moment profits in it, the whole product just goes and does a

209
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,360
180 and just goes, here's how great it is.

210
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,760
And you're like, it's not a story.

211
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:47,760
Yep.

212
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:51,040
It's like the minute they're like, oh, this makes a billion.

213
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,840
But this is what we're going to do.

214
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,160
We're going to pump it out fast.

215
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,200
But we're just we're not going to give a lot of care into it.

216
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:57,800
We just know what's going to make us money.

217
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:58,960
And we'll give it that.

218
00:12:58,960 --> 00:12:59,960
Yeah.

219
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:04,880
I mean, like, you know, and I think, did you particularly growing up in North Dakota

220
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:09,360
and growing up in a military family, were you kind of the old kid out?

221
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,360
Was that being the nerdy kid?

222
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,400
It was.

223
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,320
It was a little, a little bit of both.

224
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:21,840
So in middle school, so I moved around a lot to like start it all.

225
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:28,120
I was 10 when Iron Man 1 came out and I saw that in a drive in theater.

226
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,240
And I remember really, really liking that movie.

227
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:35,160
Like that was I love saying that I was like, yeah, I was there since day one.

228
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,640
I've been there since the beginning.

229
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:43,280
But I didn't really fall in love with specifically Marvel until 2012 and like the Avengers came

230
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,280
out.

231
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,280
Yeah.

232
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:51,960
So in 2013, I was back in North Dakota, kind of starting my high school year, and I had

233
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,800
gone along loving superheroes.

234
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,520
Smallville is my all time favorite show.

235
00:13:55,520 --> 00:14:02,240
So like, like that was to me, you know, Superman was my first and then, you know, Toby McGuire's

236
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,060
movies, my Spider-Man, and then finally, like Marvel, everything just kind of like came

237
00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:07,920
together over the years.

238
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:13,840
And I wouldn't say that I was necessarily like left out.

239
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:19,560
I will say I was looked at weird because I was the girl who wanted a Spider-Man backpack,

240
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:24,480
or my brother would get all the Superman and the Spider-Man and all those kind of toys,

241
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,160
but I didn't.

242
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:33,720
And I did find in high school, I had like two different friend groups.

243
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,480
One was like, it's North Dakota.

244
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:40,760
So it was a very redneck farmers like that kind of cowgirl boots group.

245
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:45,400
And then the other group was my like nerdy guy friends, who we all see the Marvel movies

246
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,320
together every weekend.

247
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,840
We'd see a lot of movies together, but they were the ones who I would sit with and like

248
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:55,720
have deep conversations with like theories and things like that over these Marvel movies.

249
00:14:55,720 --> 00:15:02,220
So that was nice to have, just to have someone to talk to about those things.

250
00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:06,000
So I wouldn't necessarily it was, I wasn't left out.

251
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:12,840
I was just always like, I felt like if I was a boy, my love for them would be a little

252
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,080
bit more accepting.

253
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,520
But I will be thankful for like the guys that I did have in high school who like I was able

254
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,240
to talk about them with.

255
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:24,720
However, I only talked to like one friend from high school now.

256
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,400
Like I don't talk to anybody else from high school.

257
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,920
I have like one friend that I occasionally like text every once in a while.

258
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,140
And he's still like my Marvel buddy that I talked to things with.

259
00:15:35,140 --> 00:15:38,000
And so it's always it's nice to have that.

260
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:42,720
But it was when I think I started to get into it was when I started to get into like Tom

261
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:47,480
Holland and now I'm 19 years old going to college and like I'm really into Spider-Man

262
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,480
right now.

263
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,760
And I want to I'm out of high school.

264
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,720
So I don't have all these guys like these friends to talk about this with.

265
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:58,480
I need to talk about this with someone because my family is fed up with me.

266
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,120
Like by this point and all my talking about it.

267
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:08,480
So I I created like an Instagram account where that started literally everything for me.

268
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:13,200
That starting this Instagram account actually like changed my future.

269
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,200
Which is fantastic.

270
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,200
Yeah.

271
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,840
It has like opened so many doors.

272
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,040
It's the reason I'm here in New York City right now.

273
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:27,520
So yeah, I started that so that I had a platform where I could just post whatever I wanted

274
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:32,400
about like and no care in the world because I was able to find people online who also

275
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,960
want to talk about the things I loved.

276
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:39,560
Because it sounds a little bit also like there was a sense that it was quite lonely.

277
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:40,680
Yeah, it was.

278
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:41,680
It was.

279
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,680
That's where it started again.

280
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:47,200
I started to like I annoyed my grandma so much when I lived with her because I just

281
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,160
like she was the one person I like talked to a lot.

282
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,080
And I try really hard.

283
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,400
She tried so hard to get into superheroes for me.

284
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:55,400
It was so cute.

285
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,200
She'd be like, what's that, what's that one witchy girl's name?

286
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,680
The one with the red hands.

287
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,560
I'm like, you mean Scarlet Witch?

288
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:02,560
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

289
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,560
I like her.

290
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,000
And it was just cute.

291
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:11,960
But at one point, you know, it's like I need I just can't keep like burdening my grandma

292
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,440
with all this stuff.

293
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:19,280
And I had like I had my brother who was able to talk to a few times about these things,

294
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:26,120
but it's very like you know how you have like locals who love superhero movies, but then

295
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:31,880
you have the deep like theorists and the ones that deep dive into the online.

296
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:36,240
Like I got to know everything about this movie and all the in like all the details.

297
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:42,600
Yeah, it's like I couldn't really go into deep conversations with anybody because they'd

298
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,040
be like, oh, I mean, yeah, sure, I guess.

299
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,640
I was like, you guys just don't get it.

300
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:52,000
Because then when you find those people online, I was like, oh, my God, yeah, I can actually

301
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:57,800
like talk to you guys and have a like deep conversation about all these things.

302
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,480
Yeah, yeah, it's it's very like it's very free and very eye opening.

303
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:06,520
I think it's like, you know, because I'm like you, I talked to maybe one person from high

304
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:12,480
school, which you know, like, I've known him since I was like five.

305
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,600
So he's like essentially like an old family friend.

306
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:21,040
Like, you know, it's really interesting because a lot of the friends that I have now, it's

307
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:26,200
really interesting because I always like feel that I do have some friends who nerd out like

308
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:33,040
on superhero films on like, you know, I have two friends who I talk to a lot about like

309
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,760
Marvel and what they're doing and you know, like in terms of comic book storylines that

310
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,760
they're going to adapt.

311
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,780
And I have a couple of friends who I talked to about Doctor, like I have like little mini

312
00:18:42,780 --> 00:18:51,480
groups that I nerd out with, but it's so interesting because at the same time, I feel like being

313
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:59,400
a such a deep, deep passionate nerd of something and a passionate lover of something is so

314
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:04,680
unique and very like specific.

315
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:09,960
And for like, you know, like I'm in the same, but I was like told to like for a long time

316
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:16,760
to grow up, like I was doing, I was like sticking, sticking to one thing that I was like really

317
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,160
passionate about this.

318
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:23,640
Or my favorite was like, oh, people aren't going to want to date nerds.

319
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:28,480
Like, you know, people don't want to be with like someone who's just obsessed with this,

320
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:33,120
you know, like they don't want someone with collectibles.

321
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:38,200
I feel like there was a little bit of a stigma around, but also like the other thing, the

322
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:43,600
other thing like was that if you were a nerd or something, like I have a lot of female

323
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:47,160
friends and I think I go quite fortunate because I was able to go and see movies and stuff

324
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,160
with them.

325
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,880
But there was a lot of assumption that we weren't dating, but everyone was like, you

326
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,720
two should date because you're both nerds of this thing.

327
00:19:55,720 --> 00:20:01,960
And that was a constant pressure that was put on by people as well.

328
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,280
Did that happen to you?

329
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:10,280
I think, I mean, I want to say with that, probably that one guy that I'm still friends

330
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,040
with in high school, it did happen a few times.

331
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,560
It was like, oh, but you guys, you guys are always geeking out together and you guys are

332
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,000
always, you have so much.

333
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:24,240
I mean, I probably didn't help the case when I asked him out to prom because I wasn't like,

334
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,800
no one was asking me and I didn't want to go alone.

335
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,040
So I asked him cause you know, he was my best friend at the time.

336
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,040
I was just very casual.

337
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,400
I was like, Hey, you want to go to prom?

338
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,400
Cool.

339
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:40,240
But I never really, just relationships in general was never the great, like I didn't,

340
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:46,160
I've only had one boyfriend my entire life and it lasts like four months in high school.

341
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:50,960
So I don't even really like to count it because guy was a dick and I just, I didn't, I did

342
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,960
not like that situation.

343
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:59,320
But I guess that guy probably was the only pressure nerd wise, like where it was like,

344
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,120
oh yeah, you guys geek out a lot.

345
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:05,340
You know, you have a lot in common might as well like date.

346
00:21:05,340 --> 00:21:08,200
And I was like, no, cause I see him as my brother.

347
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,080
It was like, it was kind of weird at that point.

348
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,480
But other than that, no, not really.

349
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:19,240
I mean, I found, I found like this whole new group, like this whole new set of friends

350
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:28,000
that I have out here that I, I love, like, I am so, so thankful for finding this group

351
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,640
that I have now.

352
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,360
I'm so blessed.

353
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,220
Oh my God.

354
00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:37,880
We all have so much in common now, like, cause I found the nerd group that is very into comics

355
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:43,280
and superheroes, but is also super, super heavy, like dreamers of becoming in film,

356
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,120
which is what I want to do.

357
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:49,840
And everybody else were always, always like this past few months, we've just been on everybody's

358
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:58,680
set just shooting like someone short or helping someone write this movie and little things

359
00:21:58,680 --> 00:21:59,680
like that.

360
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:04,660
And, but I, again, back to the whole like relationship thing now, no, no, not too much

361
00:22:04,660 --> 00:22:05,660
pressured other than that.

362
00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:07,160
I'm probably that one guy in high school.

363
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,160
Yeah.

364
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:13,280
I mean, like, cause, cause I was going to ask, like, how do you view relationships?

365
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,400
Like are they something that you're like, why do people bother?

366
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,920
Or is it something that you've just never been interested in?

367
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,120
Like what are your stances on it?

368
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:25,600
I am a hopeless romantic, like point blank.

369
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:32,520
I am that, you know, I am dreaming of Prince Charming all the time.

370
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:38,440
I had this like obsession with this guy in high school for like four years.

371
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,400
And I had never said a word to him.

372
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,280
I didn't even really know him.

373
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,480
He just, he went to my church.

374
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,480
He was gorgeous.

375
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:52,120
And I, you know, like knew about him through friends and kind of like knew who he was and

376
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,440
he had a big family.

377
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:59,480
And I was just like, Oh yeah, that's, I'm going to marry him one day.

378
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,640
And now I'm like, girl, what were you doing?

379
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,080
You wasted four years of your life on this guy.

380
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,160
You never even said a word to.

381
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:13,240
And so, I mean, there's, there's that I've always, you know, I was that person too, who'd

382
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:17,520
be like, Oh, you Valentine's day or you romantic movies.

383
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,520
I don't like those.

384
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,520
Those are so unrealistic.

385
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:26,680
I'm like, no, that's, I am dreaming of my law of my, my, no, my notebook moment.

386
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:31,000
Like I very much want that in life so bad.

387
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:37,000
Like I have, I think my perspective of it has changed a little bit because I remember

388
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,720
growing up as a kid and being like, yeah, I want a husband, right?

389
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:43,440
As soon as like I'm an adult and I want kids immediately.

390
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:50,120
And then I realized how like I'd be giving up a lot of my life in the beginning.

391
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,080
Cause I was like, I want to get it right after high school.

392
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,080
Yeah.

393
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:56,840
Now, if I, if I did that, like you mentioned a lot, a long time ago, you were just like,

394
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,480
you know, if you had stayed in North Dakota, would that have been your life?

395
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,720
And I was like, probably because I wouldn't have gotten out.

396
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:09,560
There's only like a handful of guys around my age that I'd probably be stuck with.

397
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:17,720
I've been able to say that I lived my twenties in New York here because like I got out and

398
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,080
I'm still searching.

399
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:24,080
However, I am, I mean, I have love.

400
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:29,600
I am in love right now, actually is kind of fun to talk about.

401
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,480
I'm very much in love with my best friend right now.

402
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:37,720
And we have this situationship that's been going on for like a year in like three months

403
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:38,720
now.

404
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:46,920
And now when you say situations, it, oh boy, it is, it's messy.

405
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,400
I'll just, that's probably, that's why it's very messy.

406
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,040
And it's very much like there is an ex girlfriend involved.

407
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:58,400
And I mean, sort of, he doesn't, you know, not, not so much anymore.

408
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:04,200
Cause he's very much like, he's like, if I could change or if I could, you know, he's

409
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,760
like, I wouldn't look back if it was up to me, he was like, I would not look back right

410
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,280
now and we'd be together.

411
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,480
And I was like, oh, okay.

412
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,080
Um, but we're not.

413
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,800
And it's still, we are, and we aren't, that's, that's what's confusing.

414
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,400
And every time I try to like tell people this, they're like, huh?

415
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,640
It's like, what's, but wait, that's still going on.

416
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:25,640
What's going on?

417
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,000
I don't understand.

418
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:34,960
Um, it's just two, two friends who are in love with each other, but are focusing really

419
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:43,640
hard on our careers right now and not trying to put a label on anything.

420
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,120
And yeah, so that's kind of where we're at.

421
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:52,920
Cause like right now he's like, he just got me Valentine's gifts and we have like somewhat

422
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,520
of a movie plan idea and I've never had a Valentine's.

423
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,560
I've never been given flowers.

424
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:04,760
So I was always like, I'm a little skeptical on things like this is like, Oh, I, I, is

425
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,640
this since we're not really a couple, does this really count?

426
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,040
Or like, you know, I think I overthink so much into it.

427
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,040
Yeah.

428
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,040
But it's, it's totally fine.

429
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,720
It's yeah, we're, it's totally fine.

430
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:26,800
I mean, is this, is this become like a sort of like unlabeled casual friends with benefits

431
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:33,080
kind of like shtick don't know what to put it on it in a way, but also it's more than

432
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,800
that and it's hard.

433
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,880
That's why it's so hard because we are the way he's like the way I explained it.

434
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:43,720
And I told him, I was like, we're basically in a relationship with all the benefits, but

435
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:44,720
none of the responsibility.

436
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:45,720
Yeah.

437
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:46,720
And he's like, yeah, I know.

438
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,880
And he's like, I understand.

439
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,440
I totally, I see it that way too.

440
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:57,320
And we had kind of a rough reaction when like a lot of our friends found out.

441
00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,960
And so there had been a lot of like this past year, us kind of just like hiding things,

442
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:03,560
not necessarily hiding is in secret.

443
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:10,080
We were just like, you know, not sharing any of our intimate, like, you know, like we wouldn't

444
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:14,560
hold hands in public if we were around our friends or we went like be that close or things

445
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:18,960
like that, just so we wouldn't make anyone like freak out.

446
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,720
Because like when you have two friends in a group and one of them just like broke up

447
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:28,560
with his girlfriend and then is with his friend and it's like, they're all like, what's, what's

448
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:29,560
going on?

449
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:30,560
What happened?

450
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,280
And it's so, it's a little messy.

451
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,720
But again, it's not like, it's not just friends with benefits.

452
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:43,480
It's definitely more because like we just had a conversation the other day where I,

453
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,640
you know, was like, listen, you don't see me in the long run.

454
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,160
I don't know if I can do this anymore.

455
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:54,720
And then he like broke down and was like, listen, you're the only person who understands

456
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:55,720
me.

457
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,280
And he's like, you're my person.

458
00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:01,520
And so I was like, yeah, hear that for me too.

459
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:06,140
And it's like really hard because that's just who we are with each other right now.

460
00:28:06,140 --> 00:28:11,920
And I think in this time, we still need each other.

461
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:16,520
But I don't want to hold out to like have any expectations.

462
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:26,000
I'm just trying to make my films and have a good life and see where things take me.

463
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:30,520
I don't because again, like I've had troubles like finding people.

464
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:33,520
Like I've never had, like I said, I never had a boyfriend other than that one in high

465
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:35,440
school for like four months.

466
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:42,760
I was like, I don't know if it's a me thing or what, but I was like, no one, there's no,

467
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:46,240
there's been no one until him.

468
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,480
And I just was like, I don't, I don't want to start over with what's your favorite color.

469
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:55,480
So we're just, yeah, taking things like literally day by day.

470
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:59,640
I think that's also like the most responsible thing, even though it sounds like a muddled

471
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,040
like chaotic mess.

472
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:08,000
But I mean, I've never met a relationship that didn't start out easy as well, like the

473
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,000
good ones.

474
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:14,160
Like I, I definitely think some of the better ones have started out really complicated and

475
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:17,040
ended up, but just made the most perfect sense.

476
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:25,800
I also, it's interesting because I was a little bit the same, but I definitely think when

477
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:33,840
I first met someone who was like really into me, it was just kind of like you put everything

478
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,640
into it.

479
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:41,660
And you know, I think I remember something that M and I, when we started dating, we went

480
00:29:41,660 --> 00:29:46,860
to one date and we both just sat there crying because we didn't want each other to be like

481
00:29:46,860 --> 00:29:47,860
absolute assholes.

482
00:29:47,860 --> 00:29:53,800
Like we were just like, we don't want to just keep restarting, you know, from, from the

483
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:54,800
get go.

484
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,840
So it was a really nice like point to start a relationship and be very open and honest

485
00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:58,840
with each other.

486
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:05,680
But it is interesting because there's only so much emotional turmoil that you can also

487
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,400
drag yourself out with.

488
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:11,640
And it's not, I mean, this is the thing as well.

489
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:20,800
Like I always say this, but like, you know, there, there was a lot to be said about, you

490
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:27,240
know, being, you know, emotionally close and physically close with someone because you

491
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,760
put everything into it.

492
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:34,920
And you know, it's that chemistry, it's that like human proximity where like, oh, you know,

493
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:37,040
like we need to be together.

494
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:42,000
And I think a lot of it is like relationships, you know, it's like we said to you are hopeless

495
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,000
romantic.

496
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:48,040
Relationships never go the way we think they do.

497
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,920
And we never end up with the person in our dreams.

498
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:57,080
And it's always much more like complicated, but it's interesting because I'm, you know,

499
00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:02,420
quite similar to you in, in the regards that it's just, it's very lonely when you sort

500
00:31:02,420 --> 00:31:10,040
of think it's a you problem and it's very much like, am I, you know, and not lovable,

501
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:16,600
am I, is this like, and, and it's like, it's so many false, you don't want to live in false

502
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:17,600
hope.

503
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:26,480
You don't want to constantly live in, in false hope and not feel like you're worth someone's

504
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:33,920
time and you want to publicly express that and know that you can be outwardly in love.

505
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:37,840
But you know, that's, that's the fucked thing.

506
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,480
It's also like, are you a deeply emotional person?

507
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:42,480
Yes.

508
00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:43,480
Yes.

509
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:50,360
Very, very deeply, very emotional, very anxious attachment style type person.

510
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,440
So I feel things times 10.

511
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:53,440
Yeah.

512
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,440
Can be crippling.

513
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:59,720
Is that weird people out because I know like being one of those people, it can be very

514
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:01,360
kind of like people don't know what to do with it.

515
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:06,200
And they kind of go, Oh, that's a lot to deal with.

516
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,560
I'm just going to put you in the too hard bucket.

517
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,960
See that's how I view myself.

518
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,320
I'm like, I think that's what I think people think of me.

519
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:19,080
However, apparently, you know, I've, I've talked to some of my friends about it and

520
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:26,000
they're like, honestly, Leah, you for the longest time were a mystery to me.

521
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:30,680
They were like, I didn't, I'm still like finding things out about you after being friends with

522
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:33,120
you for almost seven years.

523
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:40,200
And it was because I always thought I was just too much, but apparently I was to them.

524
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:41,840
They were like, not enough.

525
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:47,680
Like not in that negative term, but as in like, I was a very quiet person.

526
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,880
I very much held back, kept my emotions within.

527
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:54,360
I'm a very emotional person, but it wasn't something that I shared.

528
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,440
It wasn't something that I did out outwardly.

529
00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:01,000
It was a very inner emotional, like personal beat up.

530
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:05,040
And I kept a lot of things to myself.

531
00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,120
People would have to kind of sometimes pry that from me.

532
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:14,000
And I remember the guy that I'm, I'm just going to say the guy that I'm with right now.

533
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:21,720
He remembered, I remember him telling me that he was like, you know, sometimes that it hurts

534
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:27,280
the people around me because I'm holding with so much in and all they want to do is help.

535
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:31,880
And they can't, if I'm holding back too much and not letting them in.

536
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:36,440
And so that's something he's kind of actually taught me to do a little bit more.

537
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:42,600
And now I'm becoming kind of, I'm becoming more open and more aware of my feelings and

538
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:49,320
not too like, I'm not scared to say them as much anymore.

539
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:50,500
And I'm, I'm glad.

540
00:33:50,500 --> 00:33:54,760
So I don't, I'm not at the point where I think I'm too much.

541
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:58,560
I do apologize for a lot because I cry a lot now.

542
00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:04,560
I realize I was like someone who never cried, like in front of people.

543
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:09,140
And now I was like, now I get kind of a little too emotional, especially around him when

544
00:34:09,140 --> 00:34:10,400
I'm talking about my feelings.

545
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:13,080
And I'm like, I'm like, I don't even know why I'm crying.

546
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:14,300
I'm totally fine.

547
00:34:14,300 --> 00:34:17,560
It's just, they won't stop coming.

548
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:19,720
So it's like one of those now.

549
00:34:19,720 --> 00:34:23,760
So I don't, I don't want to say, I don't think it's too much, or at least I, I hope it's

550
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:32,160
not, but I do always, always feel like I have some sort of burden with me where I'm like,

551
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:36,280
now that I talk a little bit more, I'm like, oh, now I'm just too much.

552
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:37,560
Now no one can handle me.

553
00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:41,360
Now I'm, maybe I keep telling myself I need to revert back.

554
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:42,720
I need to keep quiet again.

555
00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:50,360
I need to stop being too open because I liked, it was a little comforting when I would keep

556
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:54,280
things to myself because I could suffer in silence.

557
00:34:54,280 --> 00:35:00,560
And I'm very, I need people around me to be happy.

558
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:04,800
That's kind of a little controlling factor, I know, but it was like, if the people around

559
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:11,000
me aren't happy, then I just get like, I freak out because I'm like, oh God, like, how do

560
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:12,000
I make them happy?

561
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:18,800
How do I make them, how do I make, you know, cause I used to, my mom used to be very, very

562
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,800
temperamental and she would get like, she'd have angry, she has like anger management

563
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:29,680
problems and if she was angry around the house, then the whole house was walking on eggshells.

564
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:33,880
And I remember just trying to do like anything and everything to help and try to make mom

565
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:36,480
happy so that the rest of the house could be happy.

566
00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:42,080
And so I think a little bit of that trickled into who I am and things like that.

567
00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:44,520
We love a little sprinkle of childhood trauma.

568
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:57,360
Again, I think, yes, I am very much an emotional person, but I try to give just enough to where

569
00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:02,440
I can still let people in, but I still do hold back a little bit where I'm like, I won't

570
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:03,680
be a burden.

571
00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:10,280
Which is really interesting because like I have that mentality too.

572
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:16,720
And I think that, you know, childhood trauma, like trickle it in as you were saying, but

573
00:36:16,720 --> 00:36:21,960
you know, I really think about it even at 32, I love my family to bits, but it's sort

574
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:29,480
of like, they are very kind of private and even my brother who, you know, like I'm close

575
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,200
to, but I'm not super close to.

576
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:40,120
And I think I always felt like I was the difficult child, like I was the older one out.

577
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:44,600
And you know, like I was a handful and mom kept saying like, Oh, don't be too much for

578
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:48,320
people, you know, always, you know, don't be too much.

579
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,360
Oh, you're putting yourself too much out there.

580
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:52,280
Oh, people don't want to hear this.

581
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:54,840
Like, and so I can relate to that.

582
00:36:54,840 --> 00:37:02,080
And I think it's also like, I know there was a, there was a huge sense, like, and I've

583
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:06,960
always sort of been just like very open about like how I feel about something, which I think

584
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:12,360
has also taken my family off guard because they're very filled with politeness.

585
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:18,640
And I'm like rather just, you know, uh, make people happy and make people feel wanted and

586
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,600
cared about.

587
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:26,600
And I often think of that, like where your heart and your slave and emotionally care

588
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:28,600
about people.

589
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:36,840
But it's also, it's very nerve wracking because it's like, at the same time, like that fear

590
00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:41,960
of rejection is still so like, am I going to be too much for someone?

591
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:47,520
So if I put it on the back burner and don't be too much, will they want to be my friend?

592
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:48,800
Will they want to not know me?

593
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:57,720
Like, you know, um, and I definitely, I think really it's, and it's such an older mentality

594
00:37:57,720 --> 00:38:02,680
as well, like when you get into your adulthood, but you always feel like you're, you have,

595
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,000
like what can you value to give to your friends?

596
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:09,420
Why would they still want to come back to you and be your friends?

597
00:38:09,420 --> 00:38:12,760
And why would your partner want to still come back to you and be your partner?

598
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:17,440
Like you're like, and I remember for ages, and I don't know if this is like you as well,

599
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:24,720
but you're like, are my interests, like my, you know, fandoms and my wife, the interesting

600
00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:28,480
thing about me, but you know, what am I without my hobbies?

601
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:29,680
Am I not interesting?

602
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:36,400
Have I got nothing of worth or value to give to people if I'm not offering like my entire

603
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:41,360
self to them, to people, please them.

604
00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:49,800
And I mean, do you, do you feel like that's been you growing up?

605
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:58,800
I had, I have, I very, very big, like people pleasing.

606
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:03,680
It's been something that apparently is not very subtle in my life, where I was like,

607
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:04,680
you're such a people pleaser.

608
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:08,200
And it's like, yes, I know.

609
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:09,280
I understand.

610
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,460
It is because I just want you to like me.

611
00:39:12,460 --> 00:39:15,040
And so I have, I definitely have people pleaser.

612
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:21,240
I'm really trying to, you know, I don't want to give up on that, but I'm trying to not

613
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:30,040
let it like be taken advantage of, but I definitely am someone who, if I, I'm very good at reading

614
00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:36,000
people I feel like, cause I have, I have pretty good, I don't want to like, you know, like

615
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:39,200
brush my shoulder and say I have really good intuition, but I do feel like I have pretty

616
00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:40,200
good.

617
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:48,440
I have pretty good intuition and I'm really good at reading people and I, I always try

618
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:54,720
really hard to adapt to that person.

619
00:39:54,720 --> 00:40:00,600
You know, if they like something I'm going to try to, you know, they say it's a show.

620
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:01,600
They really love the show.

621
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:03,020
I'm going to go home and I'm going to watch that show.

622
00:40:03,020 --> 00:40:06,920
So they have someone to talk about it with, or if they have a book and they're talking

623
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,000
about this book and they're like, Oh my gosh, you should read this book.

624
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:15,840
I'm going to go home and read that book so that they like feel seen, feel heard.

625
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:20,600
I guess it was something, you know, like I've always wanted somebody to do that for me,

626
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,560
but I love doing that for other people.

627
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:29,960
And so like I would have, um, but then I started to like, this is where it got crippling because

628
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:37,160
then I stopped knowing who I was because I was so, I was so into everybody else's hobbies

629
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:40,520
and everybody else's like interests.

630
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,880
And I don't know like what kind of music I want to say, like, I don't even know really

631
00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:50,360
what kind of music I like because I'm over here listening to, you know, these certain

632
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:57,160
bands because this is the vibe of one person or I'm listening to grunge over here because

633
00:40:57,160 --> 00:41:00,680
you know, my best friend loves this or I'm watching these movies.

634
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:03,200
I got, I used to be such a hater on DC.

635
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:08,160
I'm so sorry, but like even as a Superman fan, it was very biased because I just loved

636
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:09,160
like Smallville.

637
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:14,400
Um, but I was very much like that, you know, only Avengers, no Justice League kind of a

638
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,400
girl.

639
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:21,880
And then I move up here and everybody's a DC fan and I don't want to be like, Oh, well,

640
00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:22,880
okay.

641
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:27,280
So I'm just going to sit here and watch all of the, like, I'm going to be so into Zack

642
00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:33,680
Snyder, I'm going to be so into like everything right now and so that like they'll see me

643
00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:37,320
trying and they'll be like, Oh, she likes DC too.

644
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:38,320
Cool.

645
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:41,640
I can talk to her now because I feel like, Oh, if she didn't like DC, I'm not going to

646
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:43,560
give my, I'm not going to like waste my time on her.

647
00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:47,080
And I have this need to be like, I need people to need me.

648
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:50,360
And so probably not healthy.

649
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:51,560
Probably.

650
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:53,560
It's not really healthy.

651
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:58,720
I never used to like tell people my favorite shows or my favorite books or anything because

652
00:41:58,720 --> 00:42:00,240
I always was like, what's the point?

653
00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:01,600
No one going to care.

654
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:04,420
I tell people, Oh, my favorite show is this.

655
00:42:04,420 --> 00:42:05,920
And they're like, Oh, never heard of it.

656
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:07,760
And then they'll just talk about something else.

657
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:11,720
Or I tried to get one of my best friends from a while ago.

658
00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:14,760
She got me into everything.

659
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:15,760
She was like, I like this band.

660
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:17,600
I was like, okay, I'm going to listen to that.

661
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:20,320
She was like, watch this movie, read these books.

662
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,320
You have to do this.

663
00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:22,320
You have to get into this.

664
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:27,880
So I would, and I would drain myself trying to please her by getting to everything that

665
00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:28,880
she liked.

666
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:34,520
But the minute I was like, Hey, my favorite childhood books was the Maze Runner.

667
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:37,720
Do you ever think, you know, maybe here they are.

668
00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:41,800
If you want, you want to, and they're also got a movie if you want to watch the movie.

669
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,660
And the entire friendship, she never did that.

670
00:42:44,660 --> 00:42:48,440
I talked to her years later and found out that she had like one of her roommates made

671
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,600
her like watch it.

672
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:51,600
And she was like, Oh my God, like Maze Runner is so good.

673
00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:52,600
I love it.

674
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:54,640
And I was like, wow, that's great.

675
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,040
Good to know it, you know, it was me.

676
00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,120
It was just me that you didn't, you know, want to try it for.

677
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:08,200
And it's just, it's sometimes it's kind of hard when you try so hard for all these people

678
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,640
and then you're met with nothing.

679
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:16,000
It's not like I want nothing because I still will continue to be that person.

680
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,800
Cause I know what it's like not to have it.

681
00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:21,140
And I don't want people to feel that.

682
00:43:21,140 --> 00:43:26,160
And so I tried to go above and beyond a little bit and be like, yeah, this is your favorite.

683
00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:29,080
I'm going to, I'm going to enjoy, I'm going to want to like try it.

684
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,280
Even if I don't like it, I'll tell you straight up.

685
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:35,560
I didn't really like your show, but I watched it and I'll give that to you.

686
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:38,400
And you know, you can have me to talk about that with.

687
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:41,440
I just want to be like needed in that.

688
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,760
I want people to be like, Oh, I want to go to Leah to talk about this.

689
00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:45,760
Yeah.

690
00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:46,760
You know?

691
00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:47,760
Yeah.

692
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:48,760
I know that.

693
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:51,360
I know that entirely.

694
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:52,360
Yeah.

695
00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:59,400
It's, it's really kind of like, you know, the, the factor of the matter is like, and

696
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:06,080
I have such obscure things that I love and you know, like half a dozen people have never

697
00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:07,080
watched them.

698
00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:10,040
And I have like two friends.

699
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:16,340
My wife has sat down and watched so much with me that she never would have grown up with.

700
00:44:16,340 --> 00:44:21,840
And I've tried some of her shows growing up and we've both watched, you know, discovered

701
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:24,000
like, Oh, we like this show more than we thought we would.

702
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,280
And you know, like, we'll watch it all.

703
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:29,560
Or some shows were just like, that was okay.

704
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:33,160
But we just didn't like it as much as we thought.

705
00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:38,760
And I definitely think, you know, like we're going through all the Pixar films, we're

706
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:43,400
going through the Disney films and we, you know, like occasionally we'll watch them really

707
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:50,280
bad, like soap movies that we, you know, like love, hopeless romantic ones where it's like,

708
00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:52,640
Oh, you know, like, yay.

709
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:56,600
And I'm sort of like, Oh, I've probably avoided this because I'm like, I wouldn't have watched

710
00:44:56,600 --> 00:44:58,720
it when I was younger.

711
00:44:58,720 --> 00:45:00,440
And she's like, do you want to watch it?

712
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:02,000
I'm like, Oh, yeah, all right.

713
00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:05,600
I'll watch it, you know, like, because it's you.

714
00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:11,320
But it's, it's really interesting because like, I know that feeling where you love something

715
00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:19,160
and you want people to, you know, read or watch, especially with things you make.

716
00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:24,920
And especially with like, I'm one of those friends who will watch, like if someone makes

717
00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:27,720
a film or someone sends me something, I'll watch it.

718
00:45:27,720 --> 00:45:33,640
And I'll always like, I'll try and read something or I'll try and get feedback for people if

719
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:35,560
I can.

720
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:41,320
But I never like people to feel like they're not worth my time.

721
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:47,760
And especially because like, I definitely have some friends who put 110% into the friendship

722
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,520
is vice versa.

723
00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:56,000
And you know, and then I have other friends who only put like 10% in, they just go when

724
00:45:56,000 --> 00:46:04,520
you need something, you know, like, and they, and it's amazing because I think that's sort

725
00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:09,200
of like such the hurtful thing about it.

726
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:14,480
And I'm, you know, like for a long time that really struggled and it's like still struggles

727
00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:22,420
with my anxiety and like plays on my like, how useful am I if not offering myself to

728
00:46:22,420 --> 00:46:29,380
others to make useful because that's the only way they'll see like value in me.

729
00:46:29,380 --> 00:46:35,980
And I definitely feel like that is really shrunk.

730
00:46:35,980 --> 00:46:42,560
Like you know, that perspective is really shrunk, especially like, you know, I feel

731
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:49,840
like people just don't think too much outside of their little like, you know, their little

732
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:55,160
bubble, they're very like, I don't know, it's just, I'm not a very self-absorbed person.

733
00:46:55,160 --> 00:47:01,720
I have never got the idea of thinking of number one as you and I love doing things for other

734
00:47:01,720 --> 00:47:09,700
people and helping people and I just find it very interesting when people get very self-absorbed

735
00:47:09,700 --> 00:47:17,920
and they just like project or they get very like, you haven't done one thing and they

736
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:21,300
suddenly get very angry at you for not, you know, and I think that comes with the people

737
00:47:21,300 --> 00:47:25,480
placing when you do so much for someone you miss out on one thing and then they get really

738
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:28,640
angry that you haven't done this one thing for them.

739
00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:29,640
Yep.

740
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:30,640
Why?

741
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:34,520
And it's like sometimes they only ever see like one way it's their way or the highway

742
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:38,000
and it's, it's, I don't know, do you know like enneagrams and stuff like that?

743
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:39,000
Like types?

744
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,360
I think I may have mentioned this to you.

745
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:48,920
I told you that, you know, I'm an INFJ, but I'm also my enneagram is a nine and you know,

746
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:56,000
you don't know that it's like a basically nines are heavy people pleasers and they will

747
00:47:56,000 --> 00:48:05,040
avoid conflict at any cost and they are also someone who is always has to see like everyone's

748
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:10,460
side to things because of how much they like hate conflict and they want so much peace.

749
00:48:10,460 --> 00:48:16,480
Like their ultimate nines ultimate goal is just peace and I definitely, I definitely

750
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,640
am a nine when I found that out, I was like, Oh, it makes sense.

751
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:22,360
I understand now.

752
00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:26,200
And so it was, I think a lot of people's problems.

753
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:27,200
I'm just like straight up.

754
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,440
I think the world's problem is it lacks like perspective.

755
00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:38,780
I cannot like express how much like how many things would be solved in just like friend

756
00:48:38,780 --> 00:48:39,780
groups and stuff.

757
00:48:39,780 --> 00:48:45,640
If people would just shut up and see the other person's perspective and it to me, I don't

758
00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:47,080
struggle like with that.

759
00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:52,780
I am always trying to be like that person in the group was like, okay, yeah, I see why

760
00:48:52,780 --> 00:48:58,560
you want to do that, but you can also can't you also see why this person is not wanting

761
00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:05,080
to like, how do you not, how do you not see that it's so it's so hard for people to put

762
00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:10,700
themselves in other people's shoes and to me that's like a hard concept to like graphs

763
00:49:10,700 --> 00:49:13,080
that you can't like people can't do that.

764
00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:17,680
I was like, what do you, how do you go about just like only seeing one way.

765
00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:22,320
So it's really hard sometimes when I'm having a conversation with someone and they're very

766
00:49:22,320 --> 00:49:25,680
much like, they're like, Oh, I can't believe this person would do that.

767
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:28,840
I don't understand why they would want to, you know, why would they want to do this in

768
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:30,120
front of me and blah, blah, blah.

769
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:36,720
And I was like, well, because this, this and that, like, they grew up with this, they have

770
00:49:36,720 --> 00:49:42,840
a fear of this, and they just want, you know, this, and then they're like, Oh, well, yeah,

771
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:43,840
I mean, I guess.

772
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:48,880
And I'm like, I don't know, it baffles me sometimes I'm just like, guys, it would be

773
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:58,520
so much easier if you literally took off these glasses and saw, you know, the whole situation

774
00:49:58,520 --> 00:50:01,880
rather than just like what you want to do in just your opinion and the people that are

775
00:50:01,880 --> 00:50:04,240
just like, Oh, it's got to be my way or the highway.

776
00:50:04,240 --> 00:50:06,520
Like, no, you're hard to work with.

777
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:09,440
I'm not doing that.

778
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:16,520
I just also think, yeah, you just, you're really like hitting a nail on the head for

779
00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:21,840
me, which I love.

780
00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:29,280
But you know, like I feel that that is a lot of my friendships with people and a lot of

781
00:50:29,280 --> 00:50:31,320
conflict I try to avoid.

782
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:35,040
I'm, but you know, you can't avoid everyone's conflict.

783
00:50:35,040 --> 00:50:41,600
I remember I've had falling out with friends because I, you know, was too busy to call

784
00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:46,840
them back, you know, cause of work or, you know, and I just, it was like everything okay.

785
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:48,560
And they were like, yeah, just wanted to call to catch up.

786
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:51,000
And I was like, Oh yeah, I'll arrange another time.

787
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:55,360
Like I'm just at work and then life would get busy, forget to call them back.

788
00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:58,480
Cause brains like a sieve sometimes.

789
00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:05,360
And they would be so like, you didn't put enough effort in.

790
00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:09,760
And I'm like, you've called me like maybe twice in the space of six months and we've

791
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:13,640
just not had an alignment of time to meet up.

792
00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:19,160
And you know, if we have, uh, one of us has had to cancel because of various different

793
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:24,880
like, you know, things and it's just like life and it's not that we don't care about

794
00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:25,880
each other.

795
00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:31,800
And suddenly people just go, Oh, I need you to call every week to make sure I'm okay.

796
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:35,080
And I'm like, even for me, that's too much.

797
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:36,920
Yeah, that's a lot.

798
00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:37,920
That's a lot.

799
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,520
That's where I can see how you were talking about, you know, things being a little bit

800
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:42,800
like too much of a burden and too much.

801
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:46,280
I can't, you know, you can't be a little, you can't be too clicky with me.

802
00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:51,760
You have to be like, there does need to be a little like, or not clicky, um, clingy,

803
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:52,760
clingy.

804
00:51:52,760 --> 00:51:53,760
Yeah.

805
00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:57,040
But it kind of reminds me like falling out wise.

806
00:51:57,040 --> 00:52:03,360
I had like a, um, it's, it's funny now that we're like reconnected, but I had a best friend

807
00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:07,040
that I met, you know, through the online, um, fandom and stuff.

808
00:52:07,040 --> 00:52:09,120
And she was, you know, my best friend.

809
00:52:09,120 --> 00:52:10,120
It was me.

810
00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:13,080
This was the one I was actually talking about earlier where I was like, I watched this and

811
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:14,080
I watched that.

812
00:52:14,080 --> 00:52:16,600
And, um, but you never watched this for me.

813
00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:20,400
You know, I hate to like strictly just keep things, films and books, but I mean that like,

814
00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:25,560
and you know, that's just the light topics of things that, you know, I want people to

815
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:34,560
like, any who, um, I, um, she, we, we were best friends for like a really good three

816
00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:37,280
years, I want to say.

817
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:45,520
Um, and you know, best friends, I flew out twice to California to see her.

818
00:52:45,520 --> 00:52:51,720
Um, and it was, you know, once was for end game.

819
00:52:51,720 --> 00:52:54,240
When end game came out, we went and watched that together.

820
00:52:54,240 --> 00:52:57,600
Another time was, uh, just, you know, like a surprise for her.

821
00:52:57,600 --> 00:53:03,520
I think it was for her birthday and you know, like I did a lot of these things and then

822
00:53:03,520 --> 00:53:07,760
we just kind of like when COVID happened, you know, things started to get like a little

823
00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:13,340
rough in the group chat and she started to get into like a different, she just got into

824
00:53:13,340 --> 00:53:14,340
a different life.

825
00:53:14,340 --> 00:53:20,720
Um, she went to college, she got really into K-pop, um, and that just kind of like took

826
00:53:20,720 --> 00:53:22,000
over her.

827
00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:28,040
And I knew in the back of my head, I was like, if I, I was like, if I get into K-pop, I could

828
00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:32,560
probably keep her as a friend because this is what we would, you know, this was the new

829
00:53:32,560 --> 00:53:36,080
thing that I had to get into to be able to talk to her.

830
00:53:36,080 --> 00:53:42,000
And I was like, but I would, I know how like, uh, K-pop, if you love K-pop, that is amazing.

831
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:43,000
That was great.

832
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:46,840
You're very talented, but I know how it can suck you in and that can be like your entire

833
00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:47,840
personality.

834
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:53,560
And so I, um, I was like, okay, I, I, this is the one thing I can't do.

835
00:53:53,560 --> 00:53:55,080
And then we just stopped talking.

836
00:53:55,080 --> 00:54:01,200
We just slowly like just stopped and there was nothing, you know, it was an on no one.

837
00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:04,760
It was just like a, um, just a distance thing.

838
00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:07,760
And then it's been like, we're 2024.

839
00:54:07,760 --> 00:54:12,000
So it's been like four years and we're just now like rekindling.

840
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:15,800
Like she messaged me, she reached out and she was like, I feel bad for the distance

841
00:54:15,800 --> 00:54:16,800
that you know, I caused.

842
00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:18,800
And she's like, I want to make up things.

843
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:19,800
So I don't know.

844
00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:21,920
I'm testing the waters right now.

845
00:54:21,920 --> 00:54:27,980
Not to be like, I've been down this road with so many people where it's like, you leave,

846
00:54:27,980 --> 00:54:32,640
you leave me and then want to come back, but I don't know if you've changed.

847
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:39,760
Um, so I'm testing the waters to see like where we're at, um, and see how well it, you

848
00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:40,760
know, how, how it goes.

849
00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:44,400
And if things are still going to be like they were, I won't try as hard in this.

850
00:54:44,400 --> 00:54:47,880
And there'd just be like one of those friends that I'm like, yeah, I'll talk to you every

851
00:54:47,880 --> 00:54:49,800
once in a while, but I'm not going to get too attached.

852
00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:50,800
Yeah.

853
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:51,800
I get that entirely.

854
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:55,720
I think it's also, it reminds me of, you know, a couple of friends.

855
00:54:55,720 --> 00:55:00,360
So I've, I've got some close friends who I've, I've never met in person and have much more

856
00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:04,280
in depth conversations than I do with people I see regular.

857
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:10,680
And they're like, and I think like.

858
00:55:10,680 --> 00:55:21,120
You know, I remember particularly, you know, when I, I discovered that I was queer and

859
00:55:21,120 --> 00:55:26,400
like, I was like, oh, I kind of, you know, and I sort of was like, oh, okay.

860
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:30,200
You know, I'm on the non-binary side of things.

861
00:55:30,200 --> 00:55:35,200
And I remember talking to a few bunch of friends who were very like heteronormative and they

862
00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:40,880
just didn't get that logic and they weren't accepting of it or they were just kind of

863
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,920
like, didn't know what to say.

864
00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:46,240
And I was like, well, you can just say anything.

865
00:55:46,240 --> 00:55:47,240
Like you can ask questions.

866
00:55:47,240 --> 00:55:49,040
I'm not afraid.

867
00:55:49,040 --> 00:55:53,440
And there was a real sense of like discomfort with some of them.

868
00:55:53,440 --> 00:56:00,600
I mean, not all of them, but I definitely felt like there was sort of like, oh, okay.

869
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:02,760
That's kind of just annoying.

870
00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:08,080
Like, you know, that friends are just choosing something based on, you know, like anything

871
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:09,080
like that.

872
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:15,040
But I mean, it was also like, I don't know, there was a huge, there's a huge thing of

873
00:56:15,040 --> 00:56:18,880
like, if you, you know, and I felt like this is like with the film world as well.

874
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:24,840
And I just, I noticed it so much when you're making films, like it's a really make or break,

875
00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:30,400
you know, like friendship mold when you're making films together, because it's like such

876
00:56:30,400 --> 00:56:32,680
close proximity and hard work.

877
00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:36,000
And then you're presenting something and making something and putting it all together.

878
00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:39,720
And I definitely had some friends who just didn't love it as much as I did where I was

879
00:56:39,720 --> 00:56:44,800
like, I'm just going to spend like ages working on something.

880
00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:48,920
And then they'd be like, you know, you'd be coming, you know, like they'd be like, oh,

881
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:51,860
I'm doing so many other things and I'll just get to eventually.

882
00:56:51,860 --> 00:56:55,440
And you do have this sense of like, I have one particular friend who I'll always send

883
00:56:55,440 --> 00:57:00,040
like film stuff to and we watch each other's stuff and support each other.

884
00:57:00,040 --> 00:57:05,640
And we've known each other for like six years, but it's, it's always like, we have had more

885
00:57:05,640 --> 00:57:11,440
venting conversations about like people we've worked with and, or people we've dealt with

886
00:57:11,440 --> 00:57:15,720
or people who didn't give us enough credit or, you know, people who just kind of like

887
00:57:15,720 --> 00:57:17,320
sidelined us.

888
00:57:17,320 --> 00:57:23,280
And I think the thing is like, I just, I don't like toxic behavior.

889
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:25,360
I really think it's appalling.

890
00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:26,360
It's it's bad.

891
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:32,360
I'm so cautious about people like I'm, it's funny that you say like, you're good at intuition

892
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:34,720
and like, you know, reading people.

893
00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:36,640
I'm like, I'm, I'm the same.

894
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:44,280
I'm really good at like seeing through BS and you know, like I, I, I automatically feel

895
00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:47,920
like I, I'm, it's funny.

896
00:57:47,920 --> 00:57:52,880
Like I'm even saying this now, but I feel like I know you more so like I'm talking to

897
00:57:52,880 --> 00:57:58,600
an old friend than I am with someone who I don't know, which is a kind of weird feeling.

898
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:00,800
Oh, I totally get it.

899
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:01,800
Yeah.

900
00:58:01,800 --> 00:58:05,440
I'm feeling it right now is you're just like, it's like, oh yeah, you've been my internet

901
00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:06,440
friend for years.

902
00:58:06,440 --> 00:58:07,440
Yeah.

903
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:08,440
It's casual right now.

904
00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:09,440
That's what it feels like.

905
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:10,440
Yeah.

906
00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:15,280
And I think it's like, you know, for me, that's the start of a good friendship rather than,

907
00:58:15,280 --> 00:58:22,200
you know, the sort of pinnacle point because it's like, you know, I sort of, I always feel

908
00:58:22,200 --> 00:58:26,880
like people come with trepidation, they come with rules, they come with like concerns and

909
00:58:26,880 --> 00:58:33,000
everything and like, I don't know what makes, when you meet someone, what makes it click

910
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:34,000
for you?

911
00:58:34,000 --> 00:58:37,120
What makes it like, oh, I want to be this person's friend.

912
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:43,200
Immediately like their energy, like how they, sometimes it's hard with some people because

913
00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:48,240
I know I'm, I'm like this where I can be a little quiet on first like meetings.

914
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:52,080
Especially like if it's in person, I feel like once I'm online or if I'm doing something

915
00:58:52,080 --> 00:58:54,520
like that, I'm just, I don't care.

916
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:59,560
But I just have to like, I have to know where your energy levels are at so that I know where

917
00:58:59,560 --> 00:59:02,640
I fit into this.

918
00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:09,920
So if you come, like if you're new to a group and you come in and you are like very extroverted,

919
00:59:09,920 --> 00:59:13,280
very loud, love that, that's you.

920
00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:16,020
That's, I mean, amazing.

921
00:59:16,020 --> 00:59:21,860
But then I know that I'm going to probably submit myself to be the more quiet one.

922
00:59:21,860 --> 00:59:27,240
But if I'm in a group where no one's talking and everyone's got this like kind of shy behavior,

923
00:59:27,240 --> 00:59:29,840
I'm here like, hey guys, how you doing?

924
00:59:29,840 --> 00:59:31,360
My name's Leah, what's your name?

925
00:59:31,360 --> 00:59:36,760
And I'll get to be like the bubbly like one that'll start things.

926
00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:43,440
So it's like, I play, I got, I have to like read your energy first so that I know where

927
00:59:43,440 --> 00:59:44,440
I can fit in.

928
00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:49,120
I will say I have probably hard time.

929
00:59:49,120 --> 00:59:58,160
I grew up, I have a hard time with like girl friendships, which I hate and I wish I didn't.

930
00:59:58,160 --> 01:00:02,800
But I grew up a lot with like my, my dad has like four brothers.

931
01:00:02,800 --> 01:00:10,840
So I grew up around my uncles, my, my, my, I have brothers, just brothers.

932
01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:14,560
And I have, you know, my dad wasn't always there.

933
01:00:14,560 --> 01:00:15,560
He was in the military.

934
01:00:15,560 --> 01:00:22,080
He was gone a lot, but my uncle, you know, my mom's brother, whatever, I was over.

935
01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:29,460
And so I have a lot of like guy bring ups and, and then, you know, middle school is

936
01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:33,000
where I kind of found, you know, a bunch of girls and was friends around that.

937
01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:34,560
I felt comfortable there.

938
01:00:34,560 --> 01:00:42,360
But once I got to high school, I had maybe two girlfriends.

939
01:00:42,360 --> 01:00:43,360
But that was it.

940
01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:47,360
That was the only, the only two that I wanted to like would talk to.

941
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:49,160
The rest were just like guys.

942
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:56,400
And then I come up here and right now I'm in like a group chat with just guys.

943
01:00:56,400 --> 01:00:59,160
I lived in a house with just guys.

944
01:00:59,160 --> 01:01:08,080
I have, it has just been like guy friendships forever until, and then I have, I have two

945
01:01:08,080 --> 01:01:13,480
girlfriends right now who are my everything and they are the ones I met through like the

946
01:01:13,480 --> 01:01:14,600
Tom Holland fandom.

947
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:22,040
And I'm so glad that I am still best friends with them, but I always fear that what, if

948
01:01:22,040 --> 01:01:26,280
I were to be in person with them, they, it wouldn't work out.

949
01:01:26,280 --> 01:01:31,480
I feel like because I have a distance with them sometimes it, you know, through it being

950
01:01:31,480 --> 01:01:34,400
online, you know, one lives in Utah, one lives in North Carolina.

951
01:01:34,400 --> 01:01:44,400
And so I feel like we're able to, we're able to all, you know, we're not constantly together,

952
01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:47,360
but we're always there just enough for each other.

953
01:01:47,360 --> 01:01:51,660
Because I've noticed when I get around other girls, I get very timid because they always

954
01:01:51,660 --> 01:01:56,420
need to be like, there's always some that just need to be the louder ones in the group.

955
01:01:56,420 --> 01:02:01,960
And then there's always like, there's just a lot of things I don't connect well with

956
01:02:01,960 --> 01:02:05,760
because I didn't have such a, like a woman growing up.

957
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:12,720
Like I didn't, I had my mom, but she also was just like, she was also someone who I

958
01:02:12,720 --> 01:02:16,240
drank Monsters with and played Call of Duty with at night.

959
01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:21,340
So it wasn't even like, I didn't, she, I didn't learn makeup.

960
01:02:21,340 --> 01:02:22,600
I didn't learn hair.

961
01:02:22,600 --> 01:02:28,080
I didn't, not to be like stereotypical about like womanhood, but I didn't have, you know,

962
01:02:28,080 --> 01:02:30,840
a lot of that.

963
01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:34,980
And so it's hard for me sometimes to click with girls because of that.

964
01:02:34,980 --> 01:02:42,160
And so I noticed, I really don't know where I was going with this, but, but yeah, that's,

965
01:02:42,160 --> 01:02:43,160
that's that.

966
01:02:43,160 --> 01:02:48,720
So I was just like being around, you know, guys has just been a little easier just because

967
01:02:48,720 --> 01:02:53,240
I feel like, I think it was mostly because of this nerdy side, because they were the

968
01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:58,480
ones who, you know, I know, and I a hundred percent love the girls that are out there

969
01:02:58,480 --> 01:03:02,880
who are, you know, into all this stuff as well, because I'm friends with some of them

970
01:03:02,880 --> 01:03:07,880
now, but like in, in high school and stuff like that, no other girl was going to the

971
01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:12,800
movies with us to watch these and actually go there for that.

972
01:03:12,800 --> 01:03:17,000
If they went, they went with their boyfriends or they went and they'd be like, huh, what's

973
01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:18,000
going on?

974
01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:19,000
This isn't for me.

975
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:20,720
And I'd be like, that's totally chill.

976
01:03:20,720 --> 01:03:26,060
But also I was like, and I don't have any girl to talk to about these things.

977
01:03:26,060 --> 01:03:30,000
Because when it was sleepovers, it was just like, Oh, this boy.

978
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:32,600
And it's like, I loved doing that too.

979
01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:33,720
Don't get me wrong.

980
01:03:33,720 --> 01:03:39,320
But then if I wanted to bring up something that I liked, I wasn't met with anything back.

981
01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:40,320
Yeah.

982
01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:41,520
I totally get that.

983
01:03:41,520 --> 01:03:42,520
It's funny.

984
01:03:42,520 --> 01:03:46,240
Like it was the reason I ended up marrying my wife, which she's very similar.

985
01:03:46,240 --> 01:03:54,280
But you know, she, she is like a massive Taylor Swift fan and wasn't really particularly a

986
01:03:54,280 --> 01:04:00,960
girly girl, didn't really fit in liked nerdy things.

987
01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:07,280
Had a particular like different upbringing and was just like a film lover.

988
01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:09,680
And I think that really kind of alienates you.

989
01:04:09,680 --> 01:04:15,160
It's just, you know, cause we're like, you want, like, she was never interested in talking

990
01:04:15,160 --> 01:04:17,000
about boys in school either.

991
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:25,160
And I just think there's always that like sense of connection that we don't want.

992
01:04:25,160 --> 01:04:29,160
And it's really interesting because I think, you know, like I get that worry, like I get

993
01:04:29,160 --> 01:04:34,280
that sort of like trepidation, but I think I can also see when I'm like, Oh, I can definitely

994
01:04:34,280 --> 01:04:35,880
get along with this person in real life.

995
01:04:35,880 --> 01:04:42,640
And I know that even being online and in real life that friendship's going to last because

996
01:04:42,640 --> 01:04:48,640
there's always ones that I think it's come from like growing up with friends who have

997
01:04:48,640 --> 01:04:53,280
moved away and seeing that friendship dissipate where it's like, I've started friendships

998
01:04:53,280 --> 01:04:54,620
from a long distance.

999
01:04:54,620 --> 01:05:00,680
And then when I see each other in real life, it's really nice and it does last.

1000
01:05:00,680 --> 01:05:02,600
You know, and it doesn't always happen.

1001
01:05:02,600 --> 01:05:09,640
Like it's not always like completely flawless, but I think like, you know, always are the

1002
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:17,520
fact that you grew up in a military family and that you're surrounded with like brothers.

1003
01:05:17,520 --> 01:05:22,320
There's a lot of elements that you remind me of like one of my friends who's very much

1004
01:05:22,320 --> 01:05:23,320
the same.

1005
01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:29,600
She was the only daughter in a group of boys and it was very like, she just kind of gravitated

1006
01:05:29,600 --> 01:05:33,120
towards male friends because that was what she knew.

1007
01:05:33,120 --> 01:05:37,200
And then like when she does have a few female friends, but you know, like it was just one

1008
01:05:37,200 --> 01:05:44,440
of those things that I think like you gravitate towards and makes you feel at home, but it's

1009
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:45,440
interesting.

1010
01:05:45,440 --> 01:05:50,640
I mean, like, do you think that's where a lot of your anxiety and mental health like

1011
01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:53,320
worries have come from?

1012
01:05:53,320 --> 01:05:58,360
I definitely, yeah.

1013
01:05:58,360 --> 01:06:10,480
It's always, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression back in 2019.

1014
01:06:10,480 --> 01:06:17,400
It was almost reassuring to get that and be like, oh, so that's why I feel like this.

1015
01:06:17,400 --> 01:06:23,920
And I was on some medication for a while, but then I was on anxiety meds and then for

1016
01:06:23,920 --> 01:06:30,000
like a few months and then COVID hit and that was basically like, that was like, oh, no

1017
01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:31,000
one can leave.

1018
01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:32,000
Everybody has to stay inside.

1019
01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:37,080
So I was like, well, most of my anxiety stuff is gone because I'm just, you know, chilling

1020
01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:40,480
having coffee with mom every day and not having to do anything.

1021
01:06:40,480 --> 01:06:44,320
So I stopped taking my meds after that.

1022
01:06:44,320 --> 01:06:51,480
And I don't think, I feel like lately I've been better than I have been with it.

1023
01:06:51,480 --> 01:06:57,160
It's not as, I deal with anxiety, definitely the same.

1024
01:06:57,160 --> 01:07:03,680
It's become a little bit more situational now, but depression I still get every once

1025
01:07:03,680 --> 01:07:04,680
in a while.

1026
01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:05,680
I have like deep episodes.

1027
01:07:05,680 --> 01:07:12,280
I think it was always, it was just kind of, I think with the guy friends and stuff, it

1028
01:07:12,280 --> 01:07:14,240
did feel lonely.

1029
01:07:14,240 --> 01:07:19,720
I would always see girlfriends, you know, have their best friends and have their things

1030
01:07:19,720 --> 01:07:23,080
together and I'm like, ah, I want that so bad.

1031
01:07:23,080 --> 01:07:27,760
And I had that a little bit here and then I screwed that up.

1032
01:07:27,760 --> 01:07:35,120
Like I had two friends here and then the whole situation ship things started to happen and

1033
01:07:35,120 --> 01:07:38,120
that tore apart those friendships.

1034
01:07:38,120 --> 01:07:41,000
And it was just, it was, it sucked.

1035
01:07:41,000 --> 01:07:48,420
But a lot of times being like a girl in a guy's like environment can go like one of

1036
01:07:48,420 --> 01:07:49,420
two ways.

1037
01:07:49,420 --> 01:07:55,200
You can either be the girl who, you know, they give a lot of the attention to and they

1038
01:07:55,200 --> 01:08:00,800
all want to like put their focus on and you know, that's the only girl or you become their

1039
01:08:00,800 --> 01:08:03,440
sister.

1040
01:08:03,440 --> 01:08:08,960
And sometimes it has good days where you're like, oh, I'm the girl in the group.

1041
01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:16,120
They're a little protective, you know, they're, you know, it can be like that, but I feel

1042
01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:22,800
like a lot of the times with me, I'm just another one of the guys where I'm not necessarily,

1043
01:08:22,800 --> 01:08:28,200
it's hard to explain because I'm a part of that, but I'm not, I'm not one of the boys.

1044
01:08:28,200 --> 01:08:32,760
But I'm also not, you know, but I'm also just kind of like, oh yeah, Leah's here.

1045
01:08:32,760 --> 01:08:36,480
Oh yeah, she's, you know, she'll, she'll hand it this, but I'm not the one though.

1046
01:08:36,480 --> 01:08:41,120
Like, I'm not the one they're going to like gossip to or talk to like that.

1047
01:08:41,120 --> 01:08:45,520
I'm there strictly just like, it depends on the group.

1048
01:08:45,520 --> 01:08:49,940
I feel like one-on-one with a lot of these, you know, friends I have are great.

1049
01:08:49,940 --> 01:08:51,360
And I have some like best friends.

1050
01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:55,940
And when I'm in like certain groups with just a few of them, I feel seen.

1051
01:08:55,940 --> 01:09:01,540
But I, when I'm in like this like bigger group, because I've been in these, I've been friends

1052
01:09:01,540 --> 01:09:04,380
with them for so, so, so long.

1053
01:09:04,380 --> 01:09:10,400
I just am just like there, you know, there's no like, that's where I start to like contemplate

1054
01:09:10,400 --> 01:09:13,960
and get anxious about like my importance and my worth.

1055
01:09:13,960 --> 01:09:18,480
And I'm like, if I was here or if I wasn't here, it doesn't matter.

1056
01:09:18,480 --> 01:09:21,660
Like I'd start to think that about myself.

1057
01:09:21,660 --> 01:09:25,560
Because I'll tell you the most stereotypical thing that had just recently happened when

1058
01:09:25,560 --> 01:09:30,880
we went to Jersey to go shoot one of our friends short.

1059
01:09:30,880 --> 01:09:33,400
I wasn't necessarily needed there, but it was fun.

1060
01:09:33,400 --> 01:09:36,780
You know, we were all going to hang out, have a sleepover at this, you know, house for the

1061
01:09:36,780 --> 01:09:38,240
weekend and shoot a film.

1062
01:09:38,240 --> 01:09:39,720
It was fun.

1063
01:09:39,720 --> 01:09:40,720
And I loved it.

1064
01:09:40,720 --> 01:09:45,720
But also I cooked breakfast and I cooked dinner.

1065
01:09:45,720 --> 01:09:47,920
I would cook breakfast again.

1066
01:09:47,920 --> 01:09:53,240
And then the, like my best friend, the guy that I'm with like right now, he was like,

1067
01:09:53,240 --> 01:09:55,440
I see what you're doing and I hate this for you.

1068
01:09:55,440 --> 01:09:57,040
Please just go sit and relax.

1069
01:09:57,040 --> 01:09:58,040
Let me cook dinner.

1070
01:09:58,040 --> 01:10:00,920
And I was like, thank you.

1071
01:10:00,920 --> 01:10:06,840
Because it immediately turned into Mama Leah, which sometimes I find fun.

1072
01:10:06,840 --> 01:10:09,600
And sometimes I'm like, yeah, I take care of my boys.

1073
01:10:09,600 --> 01:10:14,920
But also I'm like, man, is that what I'm really here for?

1074
01:10:14,920 --> 01:10:19,740
It's still like one of the, like this group is still amazing.

1075
01:10:19,740 --> 01:10:25,400
And I still like appreciate and love them a lot because they have gotten me so far in

1076
01:10:25,400 --> 01:10:28,400
life and they have pushed me and they're still there for me.

1077
01:10:28,400 --> 01:10:32,520
And I have like, again, like I said, once it becomes a big group, you know, it's a little

1078
01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:33,520
harder.

1079
01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:37,960
But I've got my select few that I've been friends with since like, I'm 26 now.

1080
01:10:37,960 --> 01:10:40,600
I've been friends with them since I was like 19.

1081
01:10:40,600 --> 01:10:45,960
Some of them, they were like 15, you know, it was all through online and they were just

1082
01:10:45,960 --> 01:10:51,720
like just friends who were like, we'd play like Fortnite every once in a while or we'd

1083
01:10:51,720 --> 01:10:54,520
or I would like chat with them every once in a while.

1084
01:10:54,520 --> 01:10:58,280
We'd have like group FaceTimes and just, it was just fun up until.

1085
01:10:58,280 --> 01:11:04,640
And then I moved to New York City for most of them because a few of them, like I moved

1086
01:11:04,640 --> 01:11:09,680
out here for school, but I met my best friend.

1087
01:11:09,680 --> 01:11:15,960
He had gone to film school and I was like, oh, because I was going to school for nursing.

1088
01:11:15,960 --> 01:11:20,800
I forgot I didn't, I didn't say that yet, but I went to school for like nursing and

1089
01:11:20,800 --> 01:11:25,320
I was like, it was so stereotypical of me to like get out of high school, go to college.

1090
01:11:25,320 --> 01:11:26,720
I was going to go to nursing.

1091
01:11:26,720 --> 01:11:27,720
I was going to have that life.

1092
01:11:27,720 --> 01:11:30,920
And I was like, this is not what I want to do.

1093
01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:32,960
I want to make movies.

1094
01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:36,280
And I found, you know, my friends did that here.

1095
01:11:36,280 --> 01:11:43,080
And so I moved out for school and I had the safety net of knowing I had friends out here

1096
01:11:43,080 --> 01:11:45,120
and it was, it's great.

1097
01:11:45,120 --> 01:11:49,280
And I still, I love it because now I know that it's been a minute.

1098
01:11:49,280 --> 01:11:55,240
I feel like it's taken me a while to really kickstart anything, but now I'm finally like

1099
01:11:55,240 --> 01:12:00,800
taking really good production classes, finally making my first short, things like that.

1100
01:12:00,800 --> 01:12:03,480
And I've had it with all of their help.

1101
01:12:03,480 --> 01:12:05,920
And so it's been, you know, really beneficial.

1102
01:12:05,920 --> 01:12:10,160
It's just sometimes, you know, you get, you're at the, you're a girl, you have those, you

1103
01:12:10,160 --> 01:12:14,760
know, you have those thoughts in your head where you're like, nah, if I was a boy, you

1104
01:12:14,760 --> 01:12:17,840
know, I'd be definitely seen different in this friend group.

1105
01:12:17,840 --> 01:12:18,840
Yeah.

1106
01:12:18,840 --> 01:12:22,560
I mean, like, does that come across in like things that you want to make as well?

1107
01:12:22,560 --> 01:12:24,080
Like in terms of stories you want to tell?

1108
01:12:24,080 --> 01:12:25,960
I think a little bit.

1109
01:12:25,960 --> 01:12:28,400
My first short, I'll do a little plug here.

1110
01:12:28,400 --> 01:12:29,680
My first short is called Anna.

1111
01:12:29,680 --> 01:12:33,240
It's on my YouTube channel and on my Instagram.

1112
01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:35,840
And it is, it's just like a minute and a half long.

1113
01:12:35,840 --> 01:12:37,680
It's not long at all.

1114
01:12:37,680 --> 01:12:46,520
It is a little short about this feeling like you are alone, even though you are surrounded

1115
01:12:46,520 --> 01:12:47,600
by people.

1116
01:12:47,600 --> 01:12:50,240
It's like, I'm sure a lot of people could like relate to it.

1117
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:53,860
If you've ever been in a crowd or you've been around a group of friends, but there's always

1118
01:12:53,860 --> 01:12:56,280
something of you that just feels like I'm still alone.

1119
01:12:56,280 --> 01:12:58,960
Like I don't have that.

1120
01:12:58,960 --> 01:12:59,960
It plays on that.

1121
01:12:59,960 --> 01:13:07,040
And it also plays a little bit on like wanting to be independent and thinking that's what

1122
01:13:07,040 --> 01:13:09,440
you want and feel like that's where you're going to strive.

1123
01:13:09,440 --> 01:13:12,560
But deep down you want those deep connections.

1124
01:13:12,560 --> 01:13:18,840
So like I have Anna who's like sitting at a picnic or a coffee table and she notices

1125
01:13:18,840 --> 01:13:22,120
these two best friend girls, these two girl best friends.

1126
01:13:22,120 --> 01:13:23,120
So yeah, wait a minute.

1127
01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:26,560
I guess this does definitely play into my shorts because she looks up these two best

1128
01:13:26,560 --> 01:13:28,120
friends.

1129
01:13:28,120 --> 01:13:33,360
They're laughing and they're giggling and they're being girls and she kind of like smiles

1130
01:13:33,360 --> 01:13:35,320
and she's like, that's cute.

1131
01:13:35,320 --> 01:13:37,920
But also, wow, I wish I had that.

1132
01:13:37,920 --> 01:13:43,760
And then she hears like this laughter behind her and she turns around and it's this couple,

1133
01:13:43,760 --> 01:13:44,960
this guy and a girl.

1134
01:13:44,960 --> 01:13:48,760
And they're like super romantic and cute and kissy and stuff like that.

1135
01:13:48,760 --> 01:13:53,600
And then this is where she like turns back and she starts to freak out.

1136
01:13:53,600 --> 01:13:59,720
And she's like, oh my God, like this is not, being alone isn't what I want.

1137
01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:01,040
I don't want this independence.

1138
01:14:01,040 --> 01:14:02,160
I want that best friend.

1139
01:14:02,160 --> 01:14:04,120
I want that relationship.

1140
01:14:04,120 --> 01:14:06,760
And then a little bit of a spoiler alert.

1141
01:14:06,760 --> 01:14:09,680
She's in this minute of a panic and then she wakes up.

1142
01:14:09,680 --> 01:14:14,760
She snapped out of a dissociative state and she's surrounded by all those people.

1143
01:14:14,760 --> 01:14:18,920
She's at this one table with all like the two girls are there, the couple is there and

1144
01:14:18,920 --> 01:14:22,100
the guy is like, he's like, Anna, come on, let's go.

1145
01:14:22,100 --> 01:14:24,080
And then they all start to get up from the table, walk away.

1146
01:14:24,080 --> 01:14:28,280
But she's struggling to get up and walk away with them.

1147
01:14:28,280 --> 01:14:33,280
So there's a lot in there that's not very subtle.

1148
01:14:33,280 --> 01:14:37,720
It's kind of pretty much in your face of like, yeah, this is kind of how I feel.

1149
01:14:37,720 --> 01:14:43,900
This is very much, I feel like I'm surrounded sometimes.

1150
01:14:43,900 --> 01:14:47,180
This is not like how I feel all the time, but it's always been like, it's transferred

1151
01:14:47,180 --> 01:14:52,040
from high school to now where I'm like, I've always been in these bigger groups.

1152
01:14:52,040 --> 01:14:55,480
Of friends, I've always had like big cliques.

1153
01:14:55,480 --> 01:15:01,840
And it's always like, when you have that sometimes you start to blend in and you lose a little

1154
01:15:01,840 --> 01:15:06,360
bit of like, you don't stand out as much.

1155
01:15:06,360 --> 01:15:07,840
And that's what I want.

1156
01:15:07,840 --> 01:15:13,520
I want to be someone who like, I want to be the one that makes people laugh.

1157
01:15:13,520 --> 01:15:20,600
I want to be the one that people go to for advice and just things like that.

1158
01:15:20,600 --> 01:15:25,960
So when you're surrounded by such big group, you kind of lose some of this.

1159
01:15:25,960 --> 01:15:30,600
And so she's alone in this feeling.

1160
01:15:30,600 --> 01:15:33,620
Like she's around people, but she still feels pretty alone.

1161
01:15:33,620 --> 01:15:41,360
And she craves nothing more than just this one-on-one like connection with people.

1162
01:15:41,360 --> 01:15:42,560
I love that.

1163
01:15:42,560 --> 01:15:43,560
I just love that.

1164
01:15:43,560 --> 01:15:49,620
I think that's a really like, you know, a poignant story.

1165
01:15:49,620 --> 01:15:58,280
And it just like, I mean, my real question also is like, I guess for you, you know, where

1166
01:15:58,280 --> 01:16:01,040
do you see that part of your career going in the next five years?

1167
01:16:01,040 --> 01:16:03,560
Like, where's that going for you?

1168
01:16:03,560 --> 01:16:08,120
I want to start by like continuing to like make, I want to build up.

1169
01:16:08,120 --> 01:16:13,280
I have like ideas for little shorts here and there that start to big up or start to build

1170
01:16:13,280 --> 01:16:17,600
up to a bigger short, to like a full 20 minute thing.

1171
01:16:17,600 --> 01:16:22,320
And eventually opening to, you know, once I have all this practice and once I start

1172
01:16:22,320 --> 01:16:24,920
to get like, I'll have an idea for a feature film.

1173
01:16:24,920 --> 01:16:29,240
I've definitely had ideas of like this situationship that I'm going through right now.

1174
01:16:29,240 --> 01:16:33,960
It's given me a lot of material for like a feature movie that I'd definitely have seen

1175
01:16:33,960 --> 01:16:34,960
playing in my head.

1176
01:16:34,960 --> 01:16:40,880
Or, you know, I have this idea of trying to make like these best friends, this trio.

1177
01:16:40,880 --> 01:16:43,940
I want to make like a movie about a trio of girls.

1178
01:16:43,940 --> 01:16:48,480
And what about the one that doesn't connect with either of them?

1179
01:16:48,480 --> 01:16:50,040
Just little things.

1180
01:16:50,040 --> 01:16:55,400
And so five years, I'm not entirely sure because I've noticed one thing, time goes by hella

1181
01:16:55,400 --> 01:16:56,600
fast.

1182
01:16:56,600 --> 01:17:03,320
So it's, well, hopefully, I feel like in the past year, I've been kickstarting a lot more.

1183
01:17:03,320 --> 01:17:09,020
So right now my goal is just to continue to make, make, make, and just try to pump out

1184
01:17:09,020 --> 01:17:12,720
as much as I can start building up a reel of sorts.

1185
01:17:12,720 --> 01:17:17,200
And then I guess like I've noticed the easiest way right now to get into the industry is

1186
01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:23,320
to, you know, start your work as a PA, kind of get your foot in the door type of a deal.

1187
01:17:23,320 --> 01:17:29,280
And I want to one day have enough together to where if someone's like, what do you, what

1188
01:17:29,280 --> 01:17:30,280
do you do?

1189
01:17:30,280 --> 01:17:33,400
What do you like to shoot?

1190
01:17:33,400 --> 01:17:34,400
What's your visuals like?

1191
01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:38,800
And I'll be like, here, this is my cinematography reel.

1192
01:17:38,800 --> 01:17:41,440
Like this is me.

1193
01:17:41,440 --> 01:17:46,360
And hopefully like, you know, just enough to where I can build up a little bit about

1194
01:17:46,360 --> 01:17:52,160
who I am and then hopefully get my foot in the door.

1195
01:17:52,160 --> 01:17:57,000
Hopefully someday I'm doing a little bit of everything where I'm like, I'm trying to DP

1196
01:17:57,000 --> 01:17:58,000
things.

1197
01:17:58,000 --> 01:18:01,280
It's a little hard when I'm around people who are a lot more experienced than I am.

1198
01:18:01,280 --> 01:18:03,680
And so they're the ones that they go to.

1199
01:18:03,680 --> 01:18:06,200
But I want to practice a little bit more with that.

1200
01:18:06,200 --> 01:18:10,120
I am, I've been doing a little bit more acting in a lot of my friends stuff.

1201
01:18:10,120 --> 01:18:13,280
So I want to get like stuff like that under the, under my belt.

1202
01:18:13,280 --> 01:18:15,360
Cause I really like to do that.

1203
01:18:15,360 --> 01:18:19,700
And I don't know, I'm all right now I'm focusing on my screenwriting class.

1204
01:18:19,700 --> 01:18:25,320
So I'm really trying to work on my writing skills, which I'm terrible at.

1205
01:18:25,320 --> 01:18:30,720
So definitely trying to like build up my skills in that and hopefully just, you know, see

1206
01:18:30,720 --> 01:18:31,720
where that takes me.

1207
01:18:31,720 --> 01:18:36,200
I want to make, you know, obviously a feature at one point and we'll see, we'll see how

1208
01:18:36,200 --> 01:18:38,560
long that takes.

1209
01:18:38,560 --> 01:18:43,240
Well, I'd love to read or see or shoot me anything.

1210
01:18:43,240 --> 01:18:45,560
I love, I love watching stuff.

1211
01:18:45,560 --> 01:18:46,640
Please do.

1212
01:18:46,640 --> 01:18:48,160
Please do shoot me script ideas.

1213
01:18:48,160 --> 01:18:52,800
I'd love to, I'd love to collaborate on something with you.

1214
01:18:52,800 --> 01:18:55,800
I would think that would be the bee's knees, honestly.

1215
01:18:55,800 --> 01:18:57,160
That'd be so fun.

1216
01:18:57,160 --> 01:18:58,160
That'd be so fun.

1217
01:18:58,160 --> 01:19:02,480
Um, but, oh my God, I got so many ideas.

1218
01:19:02,480 --> 01:19:06,320
Just cause, just cause you're such a genuinely awesome person.

1219
01:19:06,320 --> 01:19:10,480
I'm just like, I could, I could literally just sit here forever listening to you.

1220
01:19:10,480 --> 01:19:11,480
Thank you.

1221
01:19:11,480 --> 01:19:15,600
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, I'm going to wrap this up, but I just, yeah, I could

1222
01:19:15,600 --> 01:19:17,920
listen to you for honestly forever.

1223
01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:21,320
Um, Leah, where can people find you on the internet though?

1224
01:19:21,320 --> 01:19:22,560
Where can they stalk you?

1225
01:19:22,560 --> 01:19:26,720
So the biggest place where I like to go, I'm a big Instagram, like I love it.

1226
01:19:26,720 --> 01:19:30,640
So you can find me at Leah Nicky 97.

1227
01:19:30,640 --> 01:19:32,000
That's my handle on that.

1228
01:19:32,000 --> 01:19:36,600
And then on YouTube, I'm just under Leah Nicole.

1229
01:19:36,600 --> 01:19:42,000
So that's my, that's my, most of the time when you type in Leah Nicole, I have, um,

1230
01:19:42,000 --> 01:19:44,640
I'm at the top, I think.

1231
01:19:44,640 --> 01:19:50,400
And my Avengers end game, if you see Avengers end game reaction, or you see anything with

1232
01:19:50,400 --> 01:19:52,800
Leah Nicole reaction, that's me.

1233
01:19:52,800 --> 01:19:57,440
Um, because my end, my end game one is what got like mostly people to notice.

1234
01:19:57,440 --> 01:19:59,320
Cause that got the million views.

1235
01:19:59,320 --> 01:20:03,440
Uh, so that's probably where you're going to find me on YouTube.

1236
01:20:03,440 --> 01:20:09,320
If you just see that type that, but Leah Nicole or Instagram, Leah Nicky 97, but those are

1237
01:20:09,320 --> 01:20:14,320
pretty much, um, I'm on Tik Tok a little bit, but I don't really, I don't post Tik Tok.

1238
01:20:14,320 --> 01:20:17,360
I'm just on there for, you know, the endless scrolling.

1239
01:20:17,360 --> 01:20:19,160
My handles the same as my Instagram.

1240
01:20:19,160 --> 01:20:20,160
I love that.

1241
01:20:20,160 --> 01:20:21,960
Um, I hope you've had fun.

1242
01:20:21,960 --> 01:20:23,760
I've enjoyed this, darling.

1243
01:20:23,760 --> 01:20:24,760
This is fun.

1244
01:20:24,760 --> 01:20:25,760
I like, I love podcasts.

1245
01:20:25,760 --> 01:20:27,160
I didn't realize I'm on today.

1246
01:20:27,160 --> 01:20:28,160
Enjoy this.

1247
01:20:28,160 --> 01:20:29,160
I'm so glad.

1248
01:20:29,160 --> 01:20:30,560
Um, always welcome back.

1249
01:20:30,560 --> 01:20:31,960
Please, please do come back.

1250
01:20:31,960 --> 01:20:36,560
And I can't wait to visit you cause I'm going to annoy you now.

1251
01:20:36,560 --> 01:20:37,560
Yes.

1252
01:20:37,560 --> 01:20:39,600
Um, yes, you are, you're stuck with me.

1253
01:20:39,600 --> 01:20:43,400
So I hope you know that this is like friendship.

1254
01:20:43,400 --> 01:20:46,080
I know we're like this.

1255
01:20:46,080 --> 01:20:47,080
Like we did it.

1256
01:20:47,080 --> 01:20:48,080
We're adulting.

1257
01:20:48,080 --> 01:20:49,080
I did it.

1258
01:20:49,080 --> 01:20:50,080
It's a big step for us.

1259
01:20:50,080 --> 01:20:51,080
I know it's so great.

1260
01:20:51,080 --> 01:20:54,080
Um, but thank you so much for joining me.

1261
01:20:54,080 --> 01:21:00,760
And if you want to go and check out more episodes of the things we do, you can check them out

1262
01:21:00,760 --> 01:21:01,760
Apple and Spotify.

1263
01:21:01,760 --> 01:21:04,760
I'll be speaking with another guest next week and I'll speak to you later.

1264
01:21:04,760 --> 01:21:05,760
Goodbye.

1265
01:21:05,760 --> 01:21:25,000
I'm Bob Wimbledon, see you guys soon.