It's a fried rice Christmas ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho I'm your fattest man here and welcome to 8 Crazy Nights of Christmas with Fried
Rice Podcast.
I'm your ho ho ho host Andy Rice and with me as always it's Brennan
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
ringing all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ship an alley up to Boston.
It's definitely fun to watch those develop.
They're not good.
With me as always, it's Michael,
my oldest, tiniest little elf, Larsen.
Hey, Merry Christmas, everybody.
And, oh, I should call you number seven
or number whatever, like, yeah.
And we are talking about, I mean, let's just,
it's the amazing, I mean, I don't think anybody's got
an issue with this movie, Fat Man.
Like, holy shit, what a good movie.
Honestly, the only issue I have with Fat Man is this weird.
I have one issue with it, and it's that
the movie we watched last week, or two weeks ago.
Violet Night?
Violet Night's a better movie.
So, other than that,
Yeah, I watched Fat Man.
Had this been, when I saw this, I saw this first,
and I thought it was the best Christmas movie I ever saw,
and then I saw Violet Night,
which is a better version of the same thing, basically.
Basically, it's, which actor do you prefer better
as the old disgruntled kind of, you know, Santa?
Do you prefer Mel Gibson, or do you prefer David Harbour?
Which, I think they both kind of have their own.
Oh, they both nail it, there's no doubt.
They both nail it, it's just, the other movie
has just a much better lore to it.
It's got more of a magic to it kind of type thing.
All right, so here's where I'll disagree just a bit.
In Violet Night, everything is over the top.
The acting, the action, everything.
So you get a lot of comedic things that,
so for instance, at one point towards the end
of Violet Night, you have the wife pick up a machine gun
and just kind of fire off a few shots
at some highly trained soldiers,
and they fire back and miss?
Yeah.
You don't get that with Fat Man.
This is more grounded.
Fat Man is realistic and grounded,
which I actually prefer.
So I love Violet Night, I want to see a sequel
where we get more backstory or a prequel or something.
Like I want more Violet Night.
I want Viking Santa.
Yeah, I want Viking Santa so bad.
That's the thing, I want more Violet Night
more than I would want another Fat Man.
Yeah.
Okay, because Fat Man has a sweet little ending,
it has a, and you don't need to know
the complicated history.
But what I like about Fat Man is that the B plot of Santa
is does he make a deal with the government
to contract like missile guided systems for F-16s?
Or-
So grounded, yeah.
It's like, it's not like, it's not the other guy
where it's just like, oh, there's not enough Christmas magic.
I can't, you know, there's not enough belief
for me to murder all these fucking people.
This is Santa going, oh God, we're not gonna be able
to afford Christmas this year.
And which I kind of love.
Feels more real, yeah.
The opening music is great.
Realistic Santa, the most realistic.
You don't know how old he is,
he's been alive for centuries probably.
I like that his wife is understanding,
but she's also like, she's tough on him.
Like they have a real relationship,
and she even says towards the end,
she's just like, yeah, we have our ups,
we have our downs, you know, we have our tips or whatever.
But like-
I love how it's never addressed that she's black.
I love that.
Oh yeah.
And it's never addressed and I love it.
But then also at the same time as I'm watching,
and I'm like, that's a really great choice and everything.
But then how much of that is a little bit of PR
for Mel Gibson.
It's like Mel Gibson after his drunk rant that he did,
that really like homophobic and racist rant that he did,
everything he's done since then,
I don't know if it's been like, so it sucks
because Mel Gibson might be my favorite actor of all time.
Because of when I think about some of my favorite movies,
I think about, oh God, well, no, Braveheart.
Braveheart.
I think Braveheart.
I think Maverick.
I think Patriot.
Patriot, you know, like,
but then he might be one of my favorites.
After his rant, he went off like silent for a while,
but then he did The Beaver, which is actually pretty good.
Do you ever watch that one?
No, I've never even heard of that.
It's, he, oh, it's a weird one, dude.
He's a CEO of a major business, like major corporation.
And then I forget exactly what the catalyst is,
but he has a fucking huge mental breakdown
where he's like, just puts himself in his house
and like the company's going to ruins or whatever.
And like, people are like, no, you need to,
so he goes to therapy.
They're like, you need to go to therapy and you fix this.
And the therapist, like, he won't speak.
Like, he just stops talking to everybody.
He like, he won't say anything and he's just quiet.
And everyone's like, doesn't know
what the fuck is wrong with him.
So they give him a puppet, like a Beaver puppet.
And he puts the Beaver puppet on and he starts,
the Beaver starts speaking in an English accent.
It's Mel Gibson's voice, but starts talking.
And it's him, obviously, but like, he's like, no,
it's like, no, fuck you therapist.
My guy doesn't need your help or whatever.
Like, I've got his back now.
Like puts his little hand on his shoulder, whatever,
and then they leave.
And so Mel Gibson starts going to the business
and starts operating things with The Beaver
as his puppet hand.
So The Beaver's the one that runs it all.
It sounds silly.
I know it sounds silly, but it's actually a sad movie.
Like, it's played for laughs.
Did you watch it with Randy?
I should.
What do you think of that, Randy?
The movie's awesome.
There's like some great,
there's some great Mel Gibson movies, though,
that he doesn't get a lot of credit for.
There's some, What's the One Where His Kid Got Kidnapped?
Oh, Ransom.
Ransom.
Great movie.
Yeah, there's a, Mel Gibson.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, yeah, just, oh,
and then we didn't even talk about the lethal weapons.
Yeah.
Yeah, Mel Gibson's great.
Oh, the ones he, and then the ones he directed,
Apocalyptico is super good.
I'm not a big Passion of the Christ fan.
I did watch it when it came out,
and I remember leaving the theater going like,
well, that was a really well-done movie.
Yeah.
If you want to watch a snuff film about Jesus, go for it.
But it's well done.
But then afterwards reading all the like,
oh, yeah, he really does make the Jews look bad
in that movie.
Yeah.
And so I guess technically in the history of the world,
the Jewish people did put Jesus to death,
but that isn't, they're not all,
it's not like the religion was the bad guy.
It was a politically motivated slash law slash,
there's all this stuff that led to him getting crucified
that like, it wasn't just a cabal of evil Jews being like,
let's get rid of Jesus.
You know, like, so that was just whatever.
But yeah, so great motivation for the villain,
the Walter guy, I put quotes around his villain,
cause like, yes, he's a bad guy in which he does murder
people and he has no qualms as to kidnapping a little girl,
you know, threatening her.
Now he doesn't kill the little girls.
So as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't cross that line
where I can't root for a villain, you know, like,
I know that you'll say that I'm pro kids getting killed
in movies, but that's only if the movie sets it up
for them to get killed.
I'm not rooting for them to get killed.
I don't root for children.
I don't root for children to die.
It's just, you can't show me a root,
like a little kid in a room with a werewolf
and then have that kid survive.
You know what I mean?
Like,
you ever notice how much Andy digs holes for himself
and then spends all his time getting out of them
and blaming us for the hole he dug?
It's great.
My whole life is just digging and getting out of holes.
And it's like I'm a dog.
It's like dig a hole, I get out of a hole.
I dig a hole, I get out of a hole.
So the Santa bar scene is pretty great.
That's where he convinces that,
or he tells that guy like,
hey, your wife, your kids, if you leave right now,
it's a 12 hour straight shot back home,
like you'll get to them by Christmas time.
The guy's like, well, I wasn't gonna do nothing.
It's like, okay, you get the fuck out, pay for your beer.
And then she's like,
how is it that every time you come in here,
the guy that I'm gonna go home with leaves,
because he respects her and he like looks out for her.
The whole him knowing who you are when he meets you,
he's unsettling, but awesome.
Yeah, I don't know which one I like better,
that or the David Harbor scroll thing.
I kind of like that scroll
because I feel like that was more realistic
than him just instantly knowing who you are
by looking at you, seeing, using the scroll,
the magical scroll to kind of,
you know, see your stats essentially.
But see, that's the thing with.
Magic, the other movie has way more magic.
It has more magic.
This one has more subtle magic.
So like, I like this, like when he pulls the board out
from underneath his sled, his sleigh,
it's just a piece of fucking plywood, plywood.
It's nothing.
He built this sleigh with wood.
It is a wood built sleigh.
When he needs his sack mended, it's his wife mending it.
It's not like, I'm still, like I'm sure it has the magic.
You know what I mean?
Like it has magic.
Like you can pull a million gifts out of it or whatever,
but we don't need to see it.
I like, I even like that the elves,
elves are probably one of the best parts of this,
especially seven, dude.
Dude, seven, what a brave little fucking dude
when they were all shooting and he stayed behind
just to talk to Santa, I was like, fuck yeah, seven.
What happened to one through six?
We've been at this a long time and not everybody is.
Not everybody makes it.
I like that they survive off of sweets.
That was really cool.
Let's see.
I like how the government works with Santa.
Like he gets a stimulus check, which is pretty cool.
Oh, and then this kid.
Okay, I do like the kid.
I like the main little bad kid.
He's funny.
He's like a little mobster guy, which is funny.
I like him.
And then what was this bitch thinking that she should win?
I like that.
Like why does this bitch think she should win?
His project was better.
Maybe, we didn't really see hers,
but his was fucking good.
Oh, I'll be right back.
Keep talking.
Okay.
What?
He's like, we don't go through it piece by piece.
So it's tough.
What the?
Maybe he is.
Unpause.
Okay, sorry everybody.
They let me down there.
Andy likes to throw us like just right into it.
Like, all right, go.
Yeah, all right, go.
No, no, right now, right now.
Yeah, pick up where I left off.
Santa makes some great points
about how commercialized Christmas is.
He does go like, this is just a fucking,
like the government pays us because we help them
sell Nintendos and shit, like, you know what I mean?
Like, and so, and again,
a lot of the movies that we've been watching lately
have been really focusing on like
how commercial Christmas is.
In fact, Jingle All the Way,
which we're gonna watch this for tomorrow's episode,
is that's-
The main plot line of that one.
It's commercialism.
It's like a boy wants a toy.
I think really you go all the way back
to Miracle on 34th Street.
That's always been the Christmas movie.
Even Christmas Story.
Classic. Yeah.
Classic Christmas movie, all about that rifle.
But you know what?
They do make it a little bit more magical
and whimsical in those movies.
Like the Red Rhyme rifle, BB gun,
there's something about it where like,
it's not gonna break the bank of the parents.
The kid doesn't want anything other than the rifle.
It's like, he doesn't have a list
of a thousand video games he wants or whatever.
So there's something more wholesome
about just a kid wanting one thing
that's just a little too dangerous for him at the age.
Whereas like in Jingle All the Way,
it's similar, like the kid kinda just wants one doll
or like one action figure of an action figure,
a guy that he likes.
But it's the most sought after.
It's the Tickle Me Elmo of the time.
I'm pretty sure it was made right after
the Tickle Me Elmo thing,
and that's probably what inspired someone
to write the movie.
Like, why don't we do another where it's just
parents going crazy.
Well, I've gone through that with my kids over and over,
about the one thing and then you can't find it anywhere.
Yeah.
Nintendo Wii, the year that came out.
Or My Little Unicorn Princess Fairy from The Office.
We're not talking about when you were a child.
No, no, no, The Office where Dwight buys up all the...
Sells Toby one of them, he's like, oh.
The black one.
Yeah.
Oh boy.
Yeah, that was so funny.
But I mean, the movies aren't wrong.
That's kinda what Christmas has become.
It's the higher percent what it's become.
Yeah, I mean, if you, okay.
Some people celebrate Christmas because it's supposedly
the day Jesus was born.
I mean, how do people know it was December 25th,
2,000 years ago?
Well, they've already basically proven it wasn't.
Yeah, it's winter solstice.
Basically they commercialize winter solstice.
Yeah, and so we'll do a little Jesus birthday bit,
but then really what we want you to do
is spend money at restaurants, spend money on presents,
spend money on travel.
Go travel, go to the restaurants with your family,
and buy presents.
That's what we need you to do right now.
Travel, travel, travel.
So, which sucks.
My family and I, we've come to an agreement
where it's just like, we don't bother with the actual day
of the holiday, because it doesn't fucking matter.
So, I'll go up the weekend before
or the weekend after Christmas,
and then we'll just do our Christmas.
Because it's like, you can literally just make up a day.
Australians, their Christmas is in the middle of summer,
and they barbecue and stuff.
We quit 20 years ago, me and my wife,
and now we still do Christmas for the kids,
but we don't buy each other presents for Christmas.
That's stupid.
My wife wants something,
she's got the same checking account I got.
Go get whatever the hell you want.
Yeah, I buy anything that I need or want.
There's nothing that, like, the things that are outside
of my realm to get myself is not something
that I would expect someone to buy me.
It's like, oh, I need a new entertainment system for my,
like, I would like an entertainment system
that isn't two desks put together.
See, we still do, like, for me and my wife,
we still do little things to each other.
Like, nothing big.
Like, usually kind of like something,
like, if it's something big, it'll be like a household item
that we could both use.
You know, like, I think last year I got her,
it was a cooking appliance of some sort,
and I was like, yeah, I'm excited to use it.
You use, right?
Yeah, yeah.
So I think it was a crock pot with the sous vide
and all that stuff.
I still haven't used the sous vide yet.
I want to, though.
I just haven't had the time.
But yeah.
Problem is that a lot of the times,
are you really even getting something
that means anything to anybody?
Like, for my kids, yes.
Yeah, for the kids, that's what I'm saying.
It's what we do.
It's cheap, it's all toys.
Like, for my mom, I feel like she always gets
the raw end of the deal when it comes to gifts.
Like, I think most moms do.
The last four years.
That's a constant in every family.
The last four or five years,
she's just gotten some kitchen appliance.
And I know that my mom is just,
she's cooking less and less.
She doesn't want to be,
like, they gave her a standing mixer last year, I think.
And I'm like, when the fuck has our mother
ever showed interest in making cakes
or baking or whatever?
And then they got her a,
now the one that I thought was amazing,
and I should have stolen it from her,
but she had like a,
I think it was a hot dog,
it was a hot dog toaster.
So you put the hot dogs in.
Those are cool.
I don't think you'd ever,
it's one of those things,
like I have a sandwich maker and I never use it.
Yeah, it's like a panini press or whatever.
I have a T-Fal Opti-Grill,
which the only reason I know it's a T-Fal Opti-Grill
is because my buddy gave it to me.
And then to audition for an infomercial
that I got the part for,
I used that to demonstrate all the parts of it or whatever.
And so I know every bit of the T-Fal Opti-Grill.
But the thing is, is that he gave,
so they never used it.
They're like, oh, we never used this thing.
It's brand new in the box or whatever.
I've used that thing 10,000 times.
Sandwich maker part, it works for quesadillas
and it works for sandwiches like a fucking jean.
I use mine two or three times a year,
but not like you think you're gonna when you buy it.
You think you're gonna use it.
No, no, here's the,
I get what you're saying, yes.
And I agree with most things.
Except I've been pretty good.
My air fryer, I use constantly.
My toaster, I use constantly.
My sandwich maker, I use constantly.
Even my crock pot.
I bought a little mini one-person crock pot
and I've used that enough times to justify
the $10 I spent for it at Walmart.
Before I leave, I have to see how small
that one-person crock pot is.
Curious about that.
Yeah, I'll show you.
I'll show you.
It's only, it's-
I've never heard of a one-person crock pot.
Actually, they sell them.
They're not actually even sold for one,
they're not sold as one-person crock pots.
They're sold as like-
Like mini dinners?
No, like for dips.
Like for, you put cheese in or whatever,
put it out, you have three or four of them.
Like a side crock pot.
Okay, I would argue that you could put,
it fits a breast of chicken.
Oh yeah, it's a one-person meal for sure, yeah.
No, it would work for you.
I'm just saying that's-
So I could put two breasts of chicken
next to each other, they're skinny enough.
And then I could do the cracked chicken.
I've done, I could put about enough meatballs for a meal.
Like when I do the meatballs that you-
Right, yeah.
It's funny, you both have given me a crock pot recipe
that I use quite often.
I quite often make the barbecue meatballs
and then I quite often make the cracked chicken
if I'm gonna do like a mashed potato in a roll
or something, yeah.
That's the best, that cracked chicken.
Look it up everybody, you look up like cracked chicken.
I think it's just not good.
I think it's the recipe is actually for like a,
it's like Mississippi pulled beef,
but we substitute the beef for chicken
and it works great.
You gotta put like a dry packet of McCormick's gravy
in there and then- Aju.
Aju and then pepperchinis and then what's crazy,
it just cooks like juices and everything
just ends up cooking and then the chicken
is just pulled apart and if you have some mashed potatoes
and like a couple rolls on the side,
you make the perfect little fucking sandwiches.
I go back and forth between mashed potatoes
and just white rice.
It kinda, either carb works great for it.
I'm gonna, yeah, I prefer mashed potatoes every time.
Andy Rice hates rice.
He hates rice.
I like fried rice actually.
I'm not even trying to be funny
if I was gonna eat anything, I like fried rice.
Even fried rice is great.
Yeah, everyone loves fried rice.
When I go to a, when I go to Teppanyaki,
anytime I go to a Teppanyaki, their fried rice,
it's like, shit, I mean it's so fucking good.
I had fried rice today.
Panda.
Panda, that's great.
You know what, I'm not a fan though.
I don't like sticky white rice and I don't like Spanish,
or Mexican rice, the yellow rice.
I love Mexican rice.
Gotta be made right though.
That's the problem is like, I think I had too much,
my mom liked making Mexican rice
when she did chicken rice and beans,
or chicken rice and corn or whatever the meal would be
that she would make a couple times a week.
It'd always be that yellow Mexican corn or whatever,
and it'd be mushy, you know, like,
I don't know if she was even, I'm sure she made it right,
but it's just yellow with sauce or whatever,
and then chicken and corn or whatever,
but yeah, not a fan of that.
Maybe that's what kind of threw me off the whole rice thing,
and then sticky white rice on its own, I don't like.
Give me a sushi roll, I don't care.
Delicious, right?
Yeah, that's true.
But like, I'm talking, if I go to like a Thai restaurant,
and they're like, what?
Rice.
Dude, if I go to a Thai restaurant
and I get a yellow curry
and they give me that beautiful broth,
the last thing I'm gonna do is dump it onto some rice
so that I'm eating it.
No, because that doesn't do it for me.
So if anything, I'm eating the less carb version.
Yeah, no, yeah, it's better for you for sure, yeah.
That's probably a good thing, I don't like rice.
If I liked rice, if that was just a go-to,
I'd probably be an extra 50 pounds, you know,
like just in general.
I'm already a fat fuck, so.
So Walter Goggins, let's address it right now,
this is one of his standout roles.
Amazing.
He's so fucking good at this.
A man obsessed with, like, what I love is that
he's an assassin, that's his job,
and he never think, like, he's obsessed over the Santa thing,
but never, like, he doesn't think he's gonna go kill Santa.
That's not part of what his agenda is.
It's like, in the beginning, he's just a guy
who got burned by Santa as a kid,
and now he's collecting these made in Santa's
workshop toys so that he can, I don't know.
I don't know what his goal is.
That's insane, right, yeah.
He's insane though.
And then when he gets hired by the kid,
oh yeah, it's on Santa Claus, motherfucker.
It's what he says, I'm looking for Santa Claus,
motherfucker, where is he?
I love his, I just love that he kills the postman,
takes the car, goes in, it's my first day,
where's the boss, goes in there.
So if you wanna go with, like, that's a little unrealistic.
Like, his silencer works like a silencer in a movie,
not like a real life, which doesn't silence a gun,
it just dampens the noise, but you can absolutely
hear a gunshot going off.
So they keep with that trope.
I wanna see a movie that...
Show us what they really sound like.
Yeah, I wanna see a few movies do it
so that we buck the trend.
Hasn't there been at least one or two
that have actually shot, like, wasn't that
the Navy Seals movie, what was that movie called?
Act of Valor?
Didn't they actually have real silencer sounds in it?
No, I don't know, I've never seen that.
You never saw it, that was a good movie.
And used with real Navy Seals, like as the actors.
And they were firing live rounds in the filming,
not at each other, but they fired live rounds while filming.
That's pretty cool.
I heard about that, I think it was right around
the same time that, was it Battleship came out?
And that also used some real soldiers from the Navy.
Battleship was terrible.
Well, how else are you gonna take a Mattel game?
Yeah, and make a movie.
I kinda liked how they did it, where it's like,
there's an alien ship that we need to bomb.
We don't have any...
There's a boat.
Wasn't there a scene when they actually did, like,
have the Battleship, like,
no, you gotta hit E5.
Yeah.
Like, no, that's what I'm saying,
that's what I kinda thought that was funny,
where it's just like, all the grids went down,
it's like, well, how do we know where to fire?
I don't know, we'll just have to blindly...
Yeah, yeah, it's so stupid.
But, yeah, so other than like the silencers,
this is a fairly realistic thing.
So as Walter Goggins goes on his mission to kill Santa,
my first thought was, who's gonna feed his hamster?
But thank God, that gets taken care of,
because he takes the hamster with him.
I like his apartment, like, he has a cool apartment.
I don't know what the Western suit is that's on display.
It's just his little...
The one that he opens up and all of his guns are behind.
You know what, I was thinking about that,
and I'm not 100% sure,
because I have to go back and watch.
The movie he's in on, or the series he's in on now.
Justified.
No, the series he's in on.
Oh, the Fallout.
Fallout. Yeah.
That suit might be the suit from the beginning of Fallout.
But that's a...
Which is a trip, if it is.
No, but that's a big, no.
That would be like Easter egg.
That would be like him doing an Easter egg, though.
That would be him several years before the idea
of the Fallout. I know, that's what I'm saying.
It'd be weird, but it's a movie.
Maybe it was like his own suit or something like that.
The Western suit, I don't know.
Well, no, because I feel like the...
That Western suit looks really simple.
That's just a coincidence.
I think it's just a...
That's a good call out, trust me.
I'm surprised my brain didn't pick up on that.
But yeah, that's a good one.
Oh, so when we get the government,
they finally, he agrees to let the government come in.
There's a few things I really like
about the government coming in.
At first I was like, oh no, don't, don't.
And I even put like, oh, don't take their bells
off their feet.
But then the captain, Captain Jacobs,
he's like awesome.
He's like, hey, take pride in your work.
What are you doing over there?
He's like calling people out, you know, like...
And then he tells seven hell of a way to like run a crew.
He's like impressed with the elves.
He treats them with respect.
Every question he has, it's like,
you guys are just eating sugar.
All you do is eat sugars.
Why not eat proteins and stuff?
Like he's not telling them what to do.
He's just asking like, what is it?
And then the elves just like, well,
we just complex sugars and carbs or whatever.
And we nap every eight hours for 20 minutes.
And that's how we run a 24, seven, 365 rotation.
And he's like, wow, that's a hell of a way to run a crew.
That's great.
But also it's like he respects them.
There's a mutual respect.
I was super sad when Captain Jacobs died.
That was actually like a death
I did not enjoy seeing in a movie.
Not that I enjoy seeing with deaths in movies,
but it's like some deaths hit harder.
And that was one of them.
It's like, I didn't care about Nameless Soldier
one or two at the guard gate,
but Captain Jacobs, who's proven to be a decent guy,
gets killed in a brutal way.
That sucks.
Technically, all of this happened because of the kid
hiring Walter Goggins, the entire fucking thing.
At the end, when he gives him the threat,
he goes, oh, I stopped you from killing your grandma,
but you murdered so many other people just via your actions.
Like you set in place a series of events
that got a lot of good people killed,
including some of my elves, presumably.
And he should have done more damage.
He should have killed that kid, if that's what his thing is.
If that's what his thing is, I'm not saying.
Okay, I didn't know that this was immediately gonna go.
When I was saying it out loud, I didn't know.
I just thought it was funny that like two minutes ago,
you were like, I don't really like watching deaths in movies,
but he should have killed that kid.
Killed the fucking kid.
We'll get there.
I was like, the hamster's okay.
I was really following the hamster's progress on this.
He looked a little lackluster,
but I liked that he got him the wheel,
so that made me happy.
Oh God, when he goes in to buy the wheel though,
you remind me a lot of my mother.
Oh yeah, how's that?
She wasn't a good listener,
never knew when to shut the fuck up.
I was like, whoa, fuck yeah, dude.
He doesn't want a lizard.
It's like, I need a hamster thing.
I would be pissed if this chick's like,
you don't strike me as a hamster guy.
Do you want to fish?
I mean, I've got a hamster in my car right now.
I want a fucking wheel for it.
And it's, you know, like, she's like, what about a lizard?
You look like a snake guy.
I was like, no, fuck you, bitch.
So the army coming to the North Pole, North Peak,
which I liked that.
I even liked when he realized,
are you fucking kidding me right now?
When he sees that it's North Peak, Canada,
he's like, fuck dude, like, and he has to go out there.
The addition of the army to North Peak,
in my mind, I'm going like, oh, that's awesome.
This is going to make it more difficult for Walter Goggins.
So like, the whole side government thing is fun
to think about in like a bureaucracy sort of way.
But then like realistically for the movie's purpose,
it gives Walter Goggins some people to murder
on the way to Santa, which I really like.
I like that that's like a-
See, and I went, well, wait a minute.
I don't think we can invade Canada.
Oh yeah, no, you're right.
Technically, we invaded Canada.
Yeah.
I mean, that's, I mean, yeah, I bet you there's some-
No, here's the thing though.
No, this is where, this is where,
if Santa exists in the eyes of the government,
at least the US government, and lives currently in Canada,
then you have to assume that the Canadian government
is aware of him as well.
He's running his operation out of Canada soil after all.
Right.
So there has to be, as weird as it is,
a division of the government dedicated to Santa affairs
that's got to like, you would have Captain Jacobs
would call Santa division in US and be like,
we need to set up shop in Santa's workshop,
and we need a way to get through there.
And they would contact the Santa people over in Canada,
which would then be like, okay,
without revealing magic to the entire world,
we will find a way to loophole you guys
a way to get up there.
You know what I mean?
Like, because the government is,
because he gets paid by the governments,
you know what I mean?
Like, that's what makes me think that there would be-
What you're saying would make sense in a vacuum,
but in the real world,
like that would be the same as us
sending troops down into Mexico.
The government in Mexico knows that they have cartels,
they know that that all exists, so we can't,
but we still can't just send our military into Mexico
to take care of the cartels.
It's still illegal.
This is what, no,
but that's what I'm saying.
If the prime minister, he gets a piece of paper on his desk
and it's from his secretary of defense or whatever,
it's saying like, hey, we have to let the US government
just come up to North Peak.
They need to just set up a few things up there.
And the prime minister would have to do it
because it's just political reasons or whatever,
because there'd be some reason.
You know what I mean?
Or they even say to the prime minister, Santa stuff.
And he's like, oh, Santa stuff, I got you.
Send him, it's fine.
That's what I'm saying.
One plane, one big transport plane, right?
And then you send the rest of the guys up
and maybe civilian clothes.
You really just need to get the equipment up there.
And then that's all I'm saying.
It doesn't matter.
And then trucks could do a lot of the heavy lifting,
like just the big rigs.
They can make it look like it's not like the army's
rolling through Canada.
They can disguise it at least.
Maybe not the Humvees, but maybe put those
on a transport jumbo jet.
But I know, Mike, I like the attention to detail.
These are the questions that keep me up at night.
So thank you, I appreciate it.
On that note, I gotta. No, no, no.
All right, well everybody say goodnight to Brennan.
What's your rating?
This one, I'd probably give it a, yeah,
it's a tough one to rate because,
I figured I rated the David Harbour one.
But yeah, they're both pretty much on par for me.
I'd probably give it a solid B.
It's a definitely enjoyable movie.
Fun watch, silly, good action, good dialogue,
good characters.
It's just a fun, solid movie, so I'd give it a B.
Okay.
But yeah.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,
Shipley up to Boston.
Have a good night, everybody.
From Brennan.
Okay, great.
All right, man, well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Is one of these your lighter?
Screw it, I've never seen it before in my life.
You just have to.
I've never seen a lighter in my life.
How about this big, big one?
Yeah, big, big energy.
Big, big energy is what I'm saying.
The big, big energy, that's a great lighter.
Okay.
Oh, you got a black one.
My big, big energy doesn't mean shit.
Yeah, okay, black one, yeah.
Okay, have a good one.
All right, so I put the Santa knowing you intimately
immediately is pretty cool and scary.
The driving montage is one of the bests
where it's just that one shot from behind him
and it just keeps changing locations
and peeing, him eating, him doing whatever.
That was a great way to show passage of time,
passage of travel.
I really liked that a lot, it was interesting.
I could watch a whole music video
of probably someone doing that if it was.
Travel, yeah, that'd be kinda cool way to do it.
The only thing that you eat is sweets is funny.
A super sweet moment when he was looking through the files.
So when his wife brings him the reason to be like,
to stay Santa and he's looking through
and he sees that him bringing him a playset for cooking,
turned him into a chef or a fire truck,
made her into a firefighter, that was very sweet,
very heartwarming.
It was like a really touching moment
and that made me feel for him.
And then I put warm milk is fucking gross.
When he goes to the bar, she's like,
you want me to warm up the milk for you?
He's like, yeah.
I'm like, fuck you.
Warm milk's good.
No, warm milk is gross.
Have you had warm milk?
Yeah, I don't like it.
I'm a cold milk guy, like every other human being.
Or I guess warm milk is, some people like it.
Santa has been trying to get laid
this entire fucking movie.
Well, from his wife, he's trying to fuck his wife
the whole movie and she keeps shooting him down,
which is kinda funny.
Very realistic.
Yeah.
Oh, Goggins better not hurt any elves.
And then I was like, oh shit, he's gonna blow them up
as he's like putting fucking bombs around.
I was like, I was worried about them.
And then I was like, shit, this is getting brutal.
Then it gets into like a real brutal, shoot them up,
Goggins fucking hurting people.
It takes a turn to some brutality.
And then I was like, seven was like-
More than you would expect, honestly.
Yeah, more than you would.
More than you would.
Because the way that they're setting it up,
especially after that sweet files,
like him looking through the files, you're thinking,
oh, I almost forgot about Walter Goggins.
And then he just starts killing.
Yeah.
And then you get Jacob's dice.
Seven is fucking Bruce Wayne
in the Batman versus Superman movie in the very beginning
where there's literally people running and screaming
and like dust and like all this shit, gunshots.
And he walks towards the fucking danger
because he's a fucking bad ass.
Seven is probably my favorite character the whole movie.
Santa, oh, so then I like that.
So then yeah, Captain Jacobs dies, which is very sad.
But then I fucking love it.
Oh, then he, so then he sucks.
Oh, yeah, that's what I put.
Santa immediately jumps in action.
So when Seven runs and hits the button, he goes,
Santa, we're being shot at.
He just doesn't even, he's just out.
He's perfectly loading his gun.
His wife is helping.
I want this gun as well.
He takes him out.
He's getting dressed.
He, and he goes, right?
And then he gets in his Santa outfit, which I liked
because it wasn't, you know, red.
Yeah, it was, no, it was like, if you go back
and you look at pictures of Saint Nick way back,
that's what it looked like.
Yeah, he looked cool.
He looked cool, yeah.
He looked good.
Captain Jacobs dying, sad.
And then did he just kill all those elves with those bombs?
No, I don't think he did because we find out later
they were protected in that one room or whatever.
But then we get the, that's enough!
And from Santa, I was like, fuck.
And it's just him standing just in the distance.
And you see Walter Goggins down at the bottom.
And it's like, all right, fat man!
I'm here to kill you!
I'm here to kill you, fat man!
Oh God, what a standoff.
What an exciting, epic.
And then.
This was like, almost like a Western at that point.
It looked like a Western scene.
Oh, yeah, the standoff.
Yeah, the standoff.
And then, what is, I think he says,
John, oh yeah, and then he says his name.
Jonathan Miller, you twisted child.
I love that.
And he's like, you think you're the first?
You think I got this job because I'm fat and jolly?
Oh, I was like, yes!
Let's fucking go.
And then I wrote, I saw Johnny killing Santa Claus.
And then he lives, because he did look like he killed him.
He shot him right in the fucking eye,
which I was like, fuck.
I did not expect that.
And that was an insane makeup job, by the way.
Yeah, it was really good.
And then Ruth comes in and shoots him from a distance.
And then he goes to kill Ruth.
And then she does the behind the door trick,
and she says, I'm sorry, and kills him.
And she apologizes first, then blasts him with a shotgun.
And that's actually sad, because I bet you she did.
I bet you she's never killed.
I mean, maybe we don't know the beginning.
We don't know, but it's, so doesn't want to.
I would like to think that the origins of Christmas
isn't from bloodshed.
Like Santa, his need to give gifts to the children
around the world didn't start with him
murdering a bunch of people.
That's what we're thinking of Violent Night.
That's different.
Violent Night is like there was a Viking
that was just full of blood and lust,
and blood lust and stuff, that I guess they tempered him
and turned him into something useful.
Whereas this guy looks like he, along with his wife
and the help of the elves, from hard work,
and maybe some aggression, maybe some like,
because he does say that line.
Do you think I got this job?
Because I was fat and jolly?
No, like, so maybe there was a little bit of bloodshed.
I don't know.
This also has some cool shit.
This doesn't show the backstory the way the other day.
Then yeah, the little boy tries putting fentanyl
in his grandma's milk.
And I don't know if fentanyl was as big of a.
It must have been.
As big of a word that we hear all the time.
Right.
You know, when you see those word bubbles
that Google shows, like it wouldn't be as popular now.
So I guess maybe that was in the beginning
of like people are starting to hear about fentanyl.
And then.
The guy who released it on the show, 20-20.
Yeah, and then the fat man's got his eye on you, kid.
I like that where he threatens,
he threatens the little boy at the end.
The hamster lives, thank God.
Thank God, the hamster's the only thing you worry about.
And then so basically the kid and Goggins saved Christmas.
So if the kid never hired Goggins to kill Santa,
Santa would have never been inspired
to continue doing Christmas.
He looked like he was about to quit.
He was about to quit.
So this was just the kick he needed to get going.
So this kid.
Goggins is the hero.
The kid.
The kid is the hero.
He got to meet Santa, free coal.
Free coal.
He, yeah, he got his blue ribbon.
That wasn't contested.
No.
Like the chick claimed that she cheated.
He works out.
I mean, he all works out at the end for the kid.
So yeah, this is absolutely one of the best Christmas movies
of all time.
I know that you guys, it's hard to,
you look at Violent Night and it's hard to look at Fat Man
with a different lens, but I can't.
I'm looking at it with like,
this is the more grounded in reality,
like bureaucracy forward, realism.
We just sound funny saying grounded in reality Santa Claus.
Yeah.
Ridiculous as that might sound, it's true.
But that's what I like.
As much as I like, see,
as much like the Santa Claus, right?
As much as I like that movie,
it's like once you get to the North Pole,
you're really just watching it for the merriment
and the Christmas spirit of it all.
In this one, you're more watching like a gritty revenge
Western that happens to have Santa Claus as the bad guy
according to Goggins, but, or have Goggins, you know.
Put it up, put it up.
Oh, it's like watching Goggins methodically hunt down Santa
feels like a fever dream you'd have after watching Die Hard
on repeat, eating too many candy canes.
That is what it's like.
It's like Die Hard on candy canes.
It's exactly, more like, oh, what's another,
what's a good revenge movie?
Like a, like not John Wick because John Wick.
It's ultra violent.
If Goggins was John Wick in that scenario,
then it's kind of like John Wick.
But anyway, what do you give it as a rating?
B minus. B minus.
Why the minus?
Honestly, I think the honest, honestly,
if I'd seen this by itself, I'd have to give it a B plus.
But it's so hard when you just saw Violent Knight,
which is a better movie.
But yeah, but you can't let this movie,
you can't say that it's a B plus
and then another movie makes this movie somehow
not a B plus.
Well, because if you've seen something done better, yes.
It's like a score in a game.
You can't say that, well, that team played better
than the other ones, so I'm gonna give them more points.
No, no, no, no, no. It's not how it works.
But it's just more, it's just more that the movie,
in your opinion, was so good,
but then you happen to see a different movie
that involves a violent Santa.
That's better.
But actually, no, but they're so different.
They're so, so, so different.
We don't even see Santa pick up a gun for violence
until the last 10 minutes of this movie.
Right, no, it doesn't know.
Okay, you wanna know the one problem with this movie,
the honestly, the one problem with this movie,
it's a little bit disjointed.
It doesn't know if it wants to be a dark comedy
or an action movie.
So it kind of floats back and forth between the two,
but doesn't really combine them.
It goes from one to the other.
Well, no, but it's-
And so that's where, honestly,
that's why I would say B-.
I wouldn't consider this an action movie at all.
There's some violence at the end,
but it's not an action movie.
Violent Night is an action movie, just like Die Hard.
Right.
Violent Night is Die Hard, the Christmas movie.
Violent Night is an action movie, for sure.
This isn't an action movie.
If the amount of actual, think about the amount
of stunt work that was required for Fat Man, very little.
There's gonna be, there's one practical explosion, right,
where the thing blows up.
That's like one explosion.
There's several gunshots, but the gunshots,
a lot of them are just like,
you see those two dudes at the place get killed.
All right, but that wasn't really like an action movie thing.
That's more of like just an assassin thing, right?
And then I'll say that the scene
where he is invading their workshop all the way
to getting out at the end is a pretty cool segment of action.
But that's one tiny part of what I would consider overall
this movie to be, which is a revenge story slash Western.
Well, I think it starts as a dark comedy
and then it turns into an action movie.
I think that's what happens.
If you watch this movie.
It's a really dark comedy, though.
Well, it has some funny moments,
but it's not like a dark comedy.
Like it has funny moments, I'll give you that.
But I think a movie can have funny moments
and there's funny moments in American beauty
and that's a depressing dark drama.
My point is that they're not interspersed.
That's why when you see it, like to me,
and I'll give you the example of Violent Night, right,
because we've been talking about it.
You'll watch action scenes with comedy interspersed
in the action scene.
Yeah, that's an action comedy.
It's an action comedy.
Whereas this.
Well, no, I wouldn't even say it's an action comedy.
No, it's really not.
It's a rated R action movie.
With a lot of comedy in it.
But it's funny and it's a funny action movie.
And then, but this.
This isn't, though.
No, this start has, it's funny things
kind of in the beginning mostly,
and then it turns into kind of an action movie
and then with its little payoff at the end of the story.
But even, like, I don't even know.
So it seems a little disjointed, formulaic,
whatever you wanna say.
It's like, it's beat for beat.
It goes through its things, which it's a good movie.
That's not making it a bad movie.
How's it formulaic?
I didn't expect half the shit that was gonna happen.
No, no, I'm saying it goes through its things.
It's like.
What do you mean it goes through its things?
It goes through its beats.
It starts out.
Every movie goes through its beats, though.
Okay.
What do you mean?
I'm just saying they make it, it's obvious
when you're watching this.
You see, not see them coming, but you feel them,
you feel the writing in the movie.
I don't know how to explain it better than that.
In Fat Man?
Yes, in Fat Man.
How on earth can you feel, this is one of the most,
you expect, when you started Fat Man,
you're like, oh, can't wait for the government
to get involved and the military to show up
and that Goggins is obsessed with Santa
and then he gets hired by a kid or what?
Well, if you're not gonna let me explain,
I don't know why you ask me questions.
I really don't sometimes understand
why you ask me questions.
I'm just asking you, you're saying it's going,
it's the writing.
And then you attack whatever I say.
I'm just trying to find out exactly
what you're trying to say.
Obviously, I'm just wrong, Andy.
Just tell me what you mean.
It's going through its things, it's the writing,
it's the beats, what do you mean?
It's going through the beats, that's what I'm saying.
What beats is it going through, is what I'm trying to ask.
Specifically, tell me what kind of beats,
that's what I'm trying to ask.
I'm trying to struggle to find out what you mean.
I was very specific.
It starts out like a full-blown,
it doesn't know if it wants to be a full-blown
action flick or a comedy, that's all I'm saying.
That's not a bad thing.
You're taking everything I say like it's bad.
But I guess my question is, I'm questioning it,
because in what way does it open
not knowing if it's an action or a comedy?
There's no action until the very end of the movie.
I didn't say it opens, I said the movie doesn't know
if it wants to be an action or a comedy.
It opens as more of a comedy.
And it ends as more of an action.
But I don't even think it opens as a comedy.
I don't think- We don't agree on that.
I think that there's some moments of levity,
but like sure, if you want to say that
in kidnapping the girl and having the boy do that-
Yeah, there's a lot of ridiculousness in it.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah. That's comedy.
But then how, are you using that
to lower the score of the movie then?
No, I'm saying it's the disjointedness
is what lowers the score.
Not that it has it, that it doesn't flow.
It doesn't have the same flow.
It's a flow problem to me.
It has the same tone throughout the entire movie.
And to me, the flow would be the tone.
That's the flow.
You want disjointed, you look at a movie.
I can't even think, I'm trying to think
of like a disjointed movie.
I feel like I gave this an F.
I gave it a B minus, Andy.
That's like one of the highest ratings we have.
Yeah, you also gave Slapshot a B minus.
Yeah.
And I just don't know how.
I feel like they're very similar in quality
for the time they were made.
See, then that's, okay, then I guess
we just have to disagree.
I just have to, it blows my mind
that this would get the same grade as like Slapshot.
When Slapshot's like a...
You think it should get the same grade as Die Hard, I guess.
No, I don't even put this in the same boat as Die Hard.
If you wanna compare- Die Hard's a B plus.
You wanna compare Violent Night to Die Hard,
I could do that all day,
because there's a lot of similarities.
We're talking about grades.
We're not talking about comparing the movies.
Yeah, I put this on the same boat as Die Hard, 100%.
You did a B plus, that's what I was asking.
I know, I did a B, because it still has-
I'm a B minus.
I'm barely below you on our scale.
I mean, barely.
Jesus, Andy, you're one to argue a point
that makes no sense.
I don't know why you want,
it's like you want to argue for no reason.
I just don't think it's disjointed.
I just disagree with that.
I feel like it flows so well.
I feel like everything about this flows well.
I feel like you see the arc of Santa being too old
and too grumpy for the shit,
and then finding the meaning-
And yeah, and finding the meaning of Christmas.
Speaking of Die Hard, right?
But yeah, but he sort of,
then he finds that his arc is great.
I like that Goggins doesn't necessarily have an arc,
because he doesn't need to be.
He's just the driving force.
But the kid has an arc, which is the other-
So the kid being the villain has a nice arc
from villain to scared straight.
Santa has a great arc from sad over it
to now he's back in the game,
and Goggins is just the through line.
And I think the humor that they set at the top
persists throughout.
And I feel like the tone, which is a pleasant tone,
but with an underscore of more sinister stuff,
because like-
Yeah, I wouldn't think pleasant tone
when I think of this movie.
No, that's what makes it pleasant,
because it's, the fact that they didn't kill the girl
in the beginning, the fact that it's like
he was just scaring her with electricity
just to win a first place in the science fair.
That's a pleasant scenario for a mobster son
that it could have been a lot worse.
That's pretty pleasant.
When you see Ruth and Mel, when you see Santa and Ruth
up at the North Peak, all of that is pleasant.
When you see him at the bar protecting
that one woman's innocence or her,
not her chastity, but whatever, that's pleasant.
You see like when he starts to get in a good mood
and he sees the male guy and he says like,
hey Dave, or whatever, it's like, oh, hi Mike,
or hi Nick, or whatever.
And I just, I think it was consistent.
There's a lot of times I was watching this,
I was just like, what is happening?
Why?
Yeah, I never saw that.
Well, you do, listen, I'll give you this.
You take whatever world they're in, in whatever movie,
there's not this one, just any movie,
and you manage to put everything in that world
into your brain is okay.
No matter what it is.
Because that's what they're doing with the movie.
I understand, I would say, but not everyone can do that.
And so you want everyone to be like you
and I can't do that.
I'm just saying I don't have the same ability to do it.
You know, whether it's a good or bad thing,
it has nothing to do with it.
It's just, sometimes I can't put myself,
when it gets too ridiculous, I can't put myself there.
I just, it's interesting that you're okay
with the ridiculous of Violent Night.
Because it has that premise.
That's sort of what I mean by disjointed, though.
That's kind of what I'm saying.
If a movie starts out, I'm ridiculous,
I know I'm ridiculous, I'm gonna stay ridiculous,
that's one thing.
Another thing, when a movie tries to be grounded
and becomes ridiculous, that's a different thing.
But I don't think at any point this movie got ridiculous
that they didn't already set up in the beginning.
The bombs were pretty realistic.
The amount of people that he killed felt pretty realistic.
And I feel like at the end,
the only thing that you could say is really like,
how did that happen, is Mel Gibson living.
But then you just attribute that to Santa magic.
Because you have to, because he's been alive
for hundreds or thousands of years or whatever.
And he has flying reindeer and he has elves.
You have to say that he can survive a gunshot, okay?
We already showed earlier, he survived a gunshot.
He got shot in the sun.
That's a little different than the other one.
But yeah, I'll give you that.
If you want to say that the movie doesn't set up
at any point that it's possible for Santa
to get shot in the eye and live,
and you want to say that that got a little ridiculous
at the end, that one part, sure.
But everything else, it sort of opens
with the ridiculous factor in the sense that he
is buying presents off of people
that were built in Santa's workshop.
So it proves that Santa's real
and it's sort of a ridiculous fashion
because you have this assassin
with a ton of expendable income
and he's going out of his way to purchase these toys
because he's obsessed with it.
But I don't think that that level of being weird
or ridiculous is any less ridiculous than the ending.
So I feel like they set the tone
and they stay consistent throughout.
So I'm just going to disagree it's disjointed,
but you've B minus B, B, we're just going to give it a B.
The minus doesn't really do anything.
So it's just because it...
Yeah.
Because it never matters what our scores are anyway.
Two Bs and a B minus is a B.
That's what I said, it never matters
what our scores are anyway.
It wouldn't matter what it was.
It wouldn't matter if I'd have said F.
If you had said F,
we would have had a way more heated argument.
Oh my God, this makes no argument from a B minus to a B.
So it's a B.
And as always, Mike and I just arguing with each other
about movies. For no reason at all.
Join us next week when we argue about,
or join us tomorrow when we talk about
Jingle All the Way starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And for another exciting night of eight
crazy nights of Christmas, as always.
We have the oldest elf in the room,
Michael number 69, Larsen.
Have a good week everybody.
Merry Christmas.
And I'm your ho ho host, Andy Rice.
We've been fried, we've been rice, we've been podcast.
And this has been Christmas in eight days of it.
Bye.
It's a fried rice Christmas and I've invited everyone.
Grab a pipe, a bong, a joint and all have ourselves some fun.
It's a fried rice Christmas and Andy's really high.
He's gonna go on a tangent soon.
The guys are standing by.
It's a fried rice Christmas.
Let's all smoke some pot.
We love all of our listeners.
You all mean a lot.
It's a fried rice Christmas.
Ho ho ho.