It's a fried rice Christmas, ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.
So anyway, those are sleigh bells and welcome everybody to the, I don't know what day of the, but welcome to another day or the first day of eight crazy nights.
One of the days of Christmas.
Where we today are talking about 1998 Jack Frost. And so with me as always we have Austin, he's a snowman feral.
So okay, we have Michael, he's a reindeer Larson. Ho ho ho everybody. And we have Brennan. Jingle bells, jingle bells, Brennan all the way. Oh what Brennan, Brennan, Brennan, Brennan all the way.
Shipley up to Boston.
Hello everybody.
I gotta figure out where you're going. I can't join in on that one. I know it could. And I'm Andy Rice. I'm named after a food I don't eat very often.
And let's get fried. This is the Fried Rice podcast.
So we're talking about Jack Frost and I know that you all watched the 1998 version and so did I. But first, let me talk about the 1979 ranking best Jack Frost.
I was going to watch the horror movie and get into it but no you're right. You Mike made a point earlier.
We had enough horror this year. Remember two months ago? Yeah, too much horror. A lot of Halloween specials.
So the 1979 version, just real quick, a couple notes. It's the ranking best. So they did all those old like reindeer claymation stop motion stuff.
The puppets, the claymation, whatever they use is so phenomenally like just phenomenal. It's so good. The detail is so precise.
There's a scene where it opens real strong with some Groundhog Day stuff. Like more Groundhog Day than the movie Groundhog Day.
It's just really great. Like the main narrator is a groundhog talking about how he comes out and he made a deal with Jack Frost that he'll look at his,
he'll get scared by his shadow every winter so that Jack Frost gets an extra six weeks to fuck around, right?
And then he sings a song about being a groundhog. It's a whole thing. But the puppets are so good because when he comes out,
it pans across and you see all the news reporters from like the 70s when this was made and you see like they're so realistic looking.
There's a guy with a cigar sticking out with a camera. There's like a chick with like hair. She kind of like looks out from her camera.
She's got like a frown on her face. And it's so fucking good. The detail. It's like why didn't Rankin-Bass?
I know that we all know it from our, bless you, I know it's all we know that from our youth, but like why did that get bigger?
Why is there not like a Rankin-Bass legacy studio right now? Like Jim Henson.
Yeah. Why is it all holiday themed versus just a regular show?
Like if you look at a movie like Fantastic Mr. Fox or even their other Rankin-Bass stuff, but like Nightmare Before Christmas,
these things that people absolutely fucking love, right? Because the handcrafted like look and feel.
The Wallace and Gromit. Like that kind of stuff.
I'm not a fan of Wallace and Gromit's comedy, but yes, the love that people put into it, I can totally see.
Chicken Run, dude.
I see. That was never for me.
You know, PlayStation just did their state of play where they showed a bunch of new games.
One of them is a game that is completely claymation.
What's it called?
I forgot what it was called, but like they showed the trailer and like all the enemies that your main guy, everything's animated in a claymation form.
Yeah, that's amazing. So I, yeah, so this, this just, if you fast forward through the songs
and you just like ignore the kind of like the extra cutesy kidsy stuff that this like is that this has like it goes real hard G rating.
Like Jack Frost is just this like like this ghost. He just whistles a lot. He falls in love with the girl.
He becomes human. So the city's called January Junction.
I thought that's a cute name for a city that's going to be real winter themed.
This is probably the most interesting aspect of the whole movie.
There's a Kublai, there's a the king of Kublai Khan, and he's this like he's this Russian guy with a little puppet.
Oh, I had to show you guys. Ah, damn it.
Here, I need to show you guys. We'll be right back.
And we're back. Sorry about that. I had to show them this movie that I didn't make them watch.
My life is now shorter.
Yeah, but it was it was really funny.
So but oh, I forgot to. So you guys were introduced to Kublai Khan.
He's the the evil robber baron. And when you when you first see him, there's this couple there
getting pumpkins ready and he tells his wife, Hello, wife, I saved a copper a copper canoop kick.
And she's like, what is that going to do?
We need one hundred copper canoop kits to make one fucking dollar.
And then we can buy a present for our kid. And he's like and they talk like this.
He's like, OK, but it's at least the start, honey. You know, they're kind of having an argument.
And then Kublai Khan comes in on his iron horse and he's like, I smell copper, Cooper Nick, you know, give it to me.
And they give him he takes it from him, shakes, shakes out the one coin that guy has.
He's like, ha ha. And he's put to this thing.
It sounds like you just said, I smell Colin Kaepernick.
I smell Colin Kaepernick.
I said, I smell a copper canoop.
And then he goes home and he's alone with his puppet.
Yeah. So he has a puppet and the little puppet is the best character in the whole thing.
Hello, Kublai.
So Kublai is like, I'm so happy being alone in my home by myself.
Are you really Kublai?
Because I'm your best friend.
I don't like you much.
He's like, I'm Kublai Khan.
And there's a song I didn't show you guys, but he walks around his house.
He looks at different paintings of him as different type.
I could have been a samurai or I could have been a shogun, but I don't have any samurai.
I could have been a general, but I don't have any.
So he's because he's the king of a country for that.
No, there's no one left in.
And so anyway, he has his puppet and the puppets just throw shade the whole time.
He's looking at that beautiful girl down there.
Oh, but she doesn't like you, Kublai.
Oh, but she's so pretty.
Yeah, but you see, don't like you, Kublai.
It's great.
In that moment, I named him Andov Raisanov.
And if you ever are familiar with the beginnings of our show,
you would know that there's a puppet that I have, a ventriloquist puppet named Randy.
He lives in a room all by himself.
He's been canceled.
He's been canceled by...
He's the first puppet to be canceled.
Yeah, I'm not allowed to bring him to any of the shows.
What's the triumph of the puppet?
Triumph, yeah.
I'm going to...
Of the three shows that are coming up, Randy's going to make an appearance in one.
I'm going to spend the next week writing a real Randy Heavy,
amazing set that Anthony can't say shit to after that.
But is he going to...
I don't think he's going to be like...
He's going to let you...
The crowd's loving it.
It makes no sense because every time...
I've never...
It's because one person comes up and says,
I didn't...
What the fuck was that?
Who?
Some random person probably comes up and says,
I don't know what the puppet thing...
One person out of 100 and then 99 love it.
Why is there a puppet?
Everybody's a fucking critic, Andy, but...
The moment Randy says...
Randy wasn't always the strongest part.
It was just you up there improv-ing things and it was great.
Also, when you write stuff, it's great.
That's what everyone...
You're actually sort of team anti-Randy is what it sounds like.
You're in the middle.
He's not my favorite.
You're an independent...
Oh, wow.
I like Andy Rice more than Randy Rice.
You want me to say I like the puppet more than you?
Hold on, hold on.
I'm not going to lie to you this time.
You said Randy's a lot of crowd work.
But what did you say?
You want me to like a puppet more than you?
Equally.
Because he is me to a degree.
We disagree on a few things and we argue on stage a lot.
But yeah, he's technically...
When my hand's inside of him, I'm the one making him come alive.
I think people just don't want you doing it every show.
I think that just busting it out once in a while is good.
It's been a while.
I'm going to do it once now if I do it.
Are you going to stop you?
Just like no one else is going to stop you.
They said, hey, give Randy a rest for a minute.
And you did.
You should do a Night of the Living dummy reference.
That's so good.
I do like the idea of keeping all the guys on their toes
because they get so like, oh, God.
Before every show, not just about you,
but to keep them on their toes wondering,
is Andy here?
Does he have a backpack?
You know what?
I need to change his voice though because the other one's hard to do.
But now I can just go, hello, Andy.
Hello, Andy.
Yeah, they said I can't bring Randy, guys,
but they didn't say anything about Randall off ice.
Hello, my name is Randall off ice.
Where are my puppets at?
You are no puppet.
In puppet Russia.
Hand puppets you.
Do you puppet hand?
I don't know.
We'll work on it.
That's why I shouldn't bring Randy around.
So anyway, there's a few cute things in this.
Like you meet Jack Frost,
and he's the guy that frosts things over like he brings winter down.
You meet a guy named Snip the Snowflake Maker,
and he cuts each individual snowflake that then gets carried by snow gypsies
and they're thrown exactly where they need to go.
But if you're watching it in real time,
that's not enough snowflakes to be sent out.
But if they're slowing it down for our perspective as mere mortals,
I understand.
You also meet the Sleet Sisters and the Hailfellows and the Snow Gypsies,
and it starts to sound a little bit like snow slurs a little bit.
Like the Sleet Sisters, I don't care.
Doesn't matter.
So Jack Frost becomes human in this,
which is a little bit of an inverse of what we're watching later.
He becomes human.
And then we meet.
Yeah, I think we actually watch, you mean, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is Jack Frost Diaries.
Okay, the only thing last is, yeah, that's fine.
The only thing left that took away from this is dream presents.
Oh, no, ice currency.
That's what the whole thing of this is.
Kubla Khan takes his coin.
He takes all of their money.
He calls it Kuper Kaepernick.
Kubla Kaepernick.
Look, look, Kubla, you take all their money.
But he takes all their money.
So they love wintertime because when wintertime comes around,
they use ice money.
So they take the icicles and they cut off little coins,
and they carry around the coins and they pay each other with coins.
And it's like, but it sucks because when the spring comes around,
it melts all the coins.
They're all poor again.
And I'm like, what a stupid society this is, right?
So fin- like they're just all insane.
They're all insane.
Their money just melts every year.
But they just hand out free money to everybody.
Like, here's all your coin money.
They're just sawing off little pieces of coins.
Fucking delusional.
So delusional.
And then at the end, it gets even more delusional because with all
this, even with all the ice money in the world,
they still don't have money for presents.
So they give each other dream presents,
and there's a whole song where it's them with a box full of nothing.
And they take the little bow and they put it on the box and they
hand it to the person.
It's kind of sweet where the other person then goes, they go,
oh, you shouldn't have.
It's everything I wanted.
You know, like, I'll put it on right now.
They like take it out of the box, even though it's nothing.
It's like, this is, thank you so much.
I love you.
And then they like take the bow off.
They put it on.
They give it to the next person.
And they open it up.
And it's a dream present.
This, if the Grinch tried to rob this town,
they would fucking crucify them, dude.
They find the Grinch in the middle of the map.
He's just like, what the fuck?
He's just passing a empty box to each other, opening up these ice's money.
He just, he's trying to leave and one of them's got a gun.
He stole my dream.
This is like Christmas.
The Hills have eyes.
It is.
It's a little creepy.
Uh, and so I just thought that dream presence was,
it's a sadder concept than like tiny tin.
You want to know a sad, a sad thing?
A few Christmases ago, when I lived in this apartment,
I had a neighbor and he was my buddy.
He lived with his grandpa and one day his grandpa called the cop.
It was like a medical emergency,
but it turns out he just called the cops because he was sad.
About what?
It, it, I had to go inside so I could laugh.
It felt so fucked up laughing about it.
They're like, what's the matter?
He's like, I think I'm having a heart attack.
He's like, I'm just, I'm fucking sad, you guys.
I don't know.
It's almost, I was like, Jesus fucking Christ.
And you laughed during that.
It just, that's one of the, that's one of the,
the darkest, the darkest responses you could have.
So simply that, to that.
He called the cops because it was a medical emergency.
And then it turned out the medical emergency was that he was sad.
That's the most of sad.
It's like someone who's never felt sadness before has to call the cops.
Damn, bro.
I, my life, my life is bad.
That's why I thought that was funny.
When I was 16, we went smashing pumpkins
and we smashed a particularly large pumpkin and an old man chased us.
And we found out the next day that he fell and broke his hip
and he had to go to the hospital and shit.
It was real rough.
We found that out in high school and got past like, they're like,
oh shit, did you hear about the old guy that, like, it was so bad.
I, I felt bad.
Did you go back to his house?
No, no, no, not that.
Like, we, we weren't going to incriminate ourselves.
If I, if he's still alive today, I would tell him.
Maybe.
If I had the other guys with me.
You know, a lot of old people die when they break their hips, right?
It's kind of like the kiss of death at a certain age.
You can't move, you can't get up.
They're just stuck in their house on the ground.
Help, I've fallen, I can't get up.
I should have bought that life alert.
Hey, at least I didn't laugh when I found out that.
I mean, you probably did laugh like when you were running away.
Oh, we did because we were monsters.
I never, I never smash pumpkins again.
Anyway, three out of five rank and basses for the 1979 Jack Frost.
Let's talk about the movie we watched.
Now we got the 1998 version.
It's awesome.
It has a super great opening Warner Brothers logo.
I think it's one of the 75 years Warner Brothers, whatever.
Ice is over.
We get the great, like we get a cool song.
It's the hopefully the one I played.
I had to double check.
I clicked the right one when that, that Warner Brothers thing came up.
I was like, shit, did I pick the horror one first?
Oh yeah.
Yeah, it does.
I mean, I like it, but it's cool shit.
So he's listening to, well, we see the rock concert, right?
Which honestly, I give that performance a C plus.
That was actually not terrible.
I was pretty surprised.
Who knew Michael, who knew Batman could rock out?
Yeah, he does great.
He actually sings it because you see it at the end.
When he's driving around, when he's driving back, we hear the station.
All right, everybody's seventies and nineties, no sixties, no eighties,
just seventies and nineties.
I'm just like, what a weird fucking station that is.
Central Colorado.
Central Colorado, seventies, then today's music because it's 1998.
So it's like, all right, just we're doing 20 years ago.
We're doing today.
We're not doing 10 years ago.
Yeah, which I guess maybe does make a little bit of sense now because,
but he's also no sixties.
So like none of that old shit, none of that new shit,
only the new, new shit and the good shit.
Feet are for walking is what the teacher says to the students
as they're running outside.
I'm like, yeah, and also running.
Like, what are you talking about?
They're outside.
That's just a strict teacher for a reason.
The little snow war games were cute.
It was cute.
That's great.
Yeah, I did like the snowball fight.
That was fun.
The snowball fight, that was a great snowball fight.
They made a slingshot trebuchet for snowballs.
Yeah, that's dangerous.
It reminded me of like a South, like something you would see in South Park.
Yeah, I think the bully was a good bully in this,
kind of a well-written bully.
I don't know the acting was there.
The young guy Fieri.
Yeah.
Boy Fieri.
Remember we bullied that kid with a dead dad.
That was sick.
Now check out this burger.
It's got barbecue sauce and ketchup.
Well, wait, they quit bullying.
He didn't, he never bullied him when his dad died.
He actually, he was like, get over it.
My dad's been dead forever.
He said that to his friend.
He's like, why don't we get him?
Whatever.
It's like his dad, it's like, I never even met my dad.
But then they walked off.
Like he never really bullied him.
Well, except for, no, no, no.
They absolutely bully him when they chase him down that mountain,
which we'll get to in just a moment.
They signed a peace treaty after the great snowball war of 1998.
Yeah, so they have this snowball war.
He protects his little girlfriend and her brother.
Like I'm guessing like his little, the girl that has a crush on him or whatever,
but she looks up to him like he's, he's her hero.
And like, that's a cute little dynamic that they have.
Then him and his dad, who just got back from the concert and he wakes them up.
They build a late night snowman.
It's very cute.
It's not the snowman, but it's a nice little snowman.
You get a snowman dick joke.
But yeah, I actually, before realizing this wasn't the snowman,
I wrote this movie would have been way different if he decided to give that snowman a dick.
He'd be banging his hot mom.
Yeah, yeah, he'd make it work.
So bad financial investment to give your best sounding harmonica to your son.
He does do that.
He says this is the one that always sounds the best.
You're a musician trying to make it.
I would say keep your best sounding harmonica and maybe give him a different one.
He could have just been playing it up because it was like his favorite harmonica.
It was his kid.
He was just giving it to his kid.
He said it was magical.
I found this at Goodwill when I was going through a drug phase.
Also Keaton unfortunately sounds like Gary Glitter.
Say who?
Gary Glitter.
Gary Flitter.
Glitter.
Yeah, he got canceled hard.
That's Rock and Roll Part III, that guy that used to do that when they quit playing it at stadiums and everything because he got busted for child porn.
Oh, Jesus.
A lot of these old, that's why I'm like, that's crazy about Beetlejuice is that the guy who played the dad in the original one got busted for CP.
And then I guess I didn't see the sequel yet, but I guess they wrote him out completely.
Oh, yeah.
Well, shit.
They just don't mention him.
It's like, where's dad?
I think he's the one that dies in the beginning.
I thought both his parents died in the beginning.
No.
It's been a while since I've seen it.
I haven't seen two.
Okay, well, I'm not.
In Beetlejuice 1 I'm saying.
They write out the dad, but yeah.
My wife did tell me how they, what they did.
So when Michael Keaton gets back, when Jack Frost gets back, I guess that's his name, silly enough, why is the dog just out in the front yard?
The whole movie.
Whole ass movie.
Dude, they're probably friends with the family from Spawn where they just let their dog go wherever the fuck.
Fuck yeah, dude.
They raised in the same kind of moral system as that family.
I'm going to back them up a little bit in the fact that lots of dogs in these kind of towns in the Midwest or whatever, they kind of run free.
They have a dog door and they go in and out and they just do what they want.
They can't go far.
It's way too cold out.
Yeah, right.
So Spawn's family is shitty because that dog is just a stray essentially that comes to the same house.
Yeah, that's okay.
I mean, fuck.
But we get the drive Michael Keaton dies in.
Or Jack Frost, he's driving.
He skipped the whole part.
Michael Keaton at the time.
He has his game, his hockey game, and his coach is Henry Rollins.
Henry Rollins would have been an intense coach.
You're a god of fucking.
Yeah, that's great.
You can't swear, Henry.
Okay, freaking.
He was a great side character throughout this whole thing.
So Jack Frost doesn't have time to teach Charlie the last, the J shot, and he only teaches him like half of it and then he fucks off.
He fucks off.
He goes to a concert.
He says fuck your harmonica, Dad.
Tells his son that the harmonica that he gives him is magic and then when he blows it, he'll show up.
And then right when he leaves the door, his son blows it, he pops, he's like, just testing.
And that was cute.
Then he leaves to go to a concert to sign a record deal or whatever.
Yeah, private.
And on his way back, well, even on his way there, he's like, let's go.
I can't do this.
I'm going to spend time with family.
Terrible decision.
You should just went.
You should just.
Now, honestly, if you look at the morals of this movie, selfishness would have kept him alive.
Like if he put career over family, he would have.
He wouldn't be where we are today.
So which is dead, but dead and gone because no matter how long you had, he dies.
What the fuck?
I thought this was a movie.
Had you ever seen Jack Frost?
No, I never saw.
Oh, so yeah.
I was surprised.
I was like, we get a very, very realistic.
My first year.
Fuck this thing.
We get a very realistic driving scene.
I think we're like the thing's not working.
His windshield wiper kind of gets frosted over.
And then it just he just what he sees it.
It's too late.
It's too fast.
And then it doesn't show horrifically what happens.
It just cuts to one year later.
Charlie is the same shot leaving school.
Same teacher.
Hey, Charlie, have a good, you know, whatever.
And it's the same day he walks past the snowball fight.
He's like, I don't want you know, fuck this shit.
And so he goes home.
He builds a snowman because he's missing his dad and he puts his dad's clothing on it.
And then he blows the harmonica and then he says, damn, a little kid says, damn it.
Did you miss the first?
What's the first point you cried this movie?
Because I know you did, too.
There's no way you did.
Yeah, I mean, definitely.
Definitely.
Traveling when he's shoveling the snow and he's like, damn it.
He's breaking that fucking scene broke me the fuck down.
Yeah, I had to I had I watched this last night after getting home from work.
At that point, I had to pause it and go in my five year old's room and like give him a hug.
Yeah.
And he kind of woke up and like that's when I was like, I was like, come out here with me.
He didn't want to watch the movie, though, but then he fell right asleep next to me.
It's like any time I got sad, I just reached over and touched him.
Like son, son, son, for a second.
You're like, son, this is my that was a heart.
This is my special whole dick pipe.
Whenever you smoke it.
Yeah.
For people at home, my pipe looks like whenever you smoke it, I can smell it.
Yeah.
So yeah, Charlie has a really rough moment getting the snow, like shoveling the snow.
He doesn't know how to deal with his rage.
His mom hugs him.
She turns to the dude.
Well, not yet.
But so Charlie then makes the snowman and he blows the harmonica and magic happens.
And the snowman comes to life and he's like, whoa, hey, hey, Michael, what's up?
Jack Frost.
Hey, all right.
What? Whoa, what's up?
They're freezing my balls off.
What's that?
It's really gets peed on.
So all this talk of Christmas magic that that Freddie versus Jason review we did two months ago.
Yeah.
I just realized that also with the violent night movie reviewed, Freddie's kind of going through the same thing that Santa Claus.
Nobody believes in him anymore.
So he's losing his magic.
It's just a horror violent.
It's the same plot line.
You're right.
Santa and Freddie have the same power source, except it's it's belief.
Yeah, it took me two months to remember two months to remember that.
I wonder if I wonder if Freddie were to ever go good if he if just he was able to believe him or whatever.
Yeah, he's all.
So we get sad, Charlie.
I think the snowman graphics hold up.
He.
Watch it.
So he like wakes Charlie up.
Charlie freaks out.
And then he goes back to be the snowman.
He realizes that the wife has still hasn't fixed the faucet.
And I'm like, you've had a year to hire a plumber at this point.
It's ridiculous that you haven't gotten that fixed lady.
You're blaming her.
Yeah.
She's the villain.
Loss of income that that pair.
He was a musician.
They made it very clear that they were broke as fuck.
Yeah.
OK, still.
Does she does he is like his best friend, not a not a guy good with good with his hands, good with tools.
I wonder if they would ever show him being good with tools.
I'm pretty sure not good with tools.
Also, we're not good.
He's literally works at a hardware store.
That's what I'm saying.
It's like, oh, I wonder if there's a way that to show this guy being good with his hands and then you show him at a hardware store as her best friend, his best friend, his old best friend.
Oh, they got a messed up.
They got a messed up plumbing situation.
I don't want to fix it.
I've seen pornos.
That wasn't the same.
That wasn't the guy that plays Robert, is it?
Mac.
Mac, the English guy, the famous guy.
It's Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones.
Yeah, he's been in a lot, a lot of movies.
But with the beard, he looks different.
Plus that and also what is a full body one years old age.
First thing full body, the full body.
OK, but the first thing I noticed, we just got to where he becomes the snowman.
Yeah, very accepting of being a snowman after dying and realizing a year has passed.
Hey, I'm freezing my balls off.
What are these stick arms?
Yeah, like, oh, wow.
I got a real snowball.
Jack Frost.
Yeah, that's a little bit on the nose.
Yeah.
So the kid sucks because he knows the snowman's alive, goes up and says, I know you're alive.
Tell me you're alive.
He's got the dryer out.
He's like, you tell me you're alive right now.
Turns it on.
And then Jack Frost's like, OK, kid, calm down.
And then he immediately goes, ah, and he runs away.
Like, what did you want to happen there, kid?
You were threatening a snowman looking like an insane person.
He was in a snowman.
He has three powdered donut holes is just what I saw the whole time.
He just looks like a stuffed donut hole, powdered.
Oh, he looked pretty good.
I thought the graphics hold up.
So then we get to the snowball fight number two.
And this is where I have a page of notes about what my issues with it.
So why did it the quote, why did the bullies not question the dozens of rapid fire shots coming from behind Charlie and the right?
Literally, I get I'm not even a question the magic of snowball being able or the snowman being able to throw snowballs.
It's part of who he is.
It's his DNA.
But it's over Charlie's shoulder to the right.
They're just coming over a hill.
And the bullies are just like, Charlie's throwing a lot of snowballs at us.
What's going on?
They don't question it for one second.
They're not like hundreds of snowballs are coming at them.
I thought that was a little bit a little bit not great.
And then why were the bullies so OK with almost killing Charlie by throwing snowballs out of what he's next to a cliff?
And there's a tree branch, right?
He's dangling off of it.
They're still just laughing.
That's my note is they said to each other, let's kill this child.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you look at that movie closer, if you pay more attention to that seat, that was like an eight foot clip.
It wasn't exactly a clip.
It was snow covered.
Enough to break it like that for fun.
Enough to maybe break a leg.
If you jumped out like for fun.
What a foot of foot of snow.
No, there was no danger involved.
There were wooden toboggan at the bottom, not snow.
You would have hit those that would have done damage.
What?
The kids up above wouldn't have known that.
Well, still, I'm just saying aggressive.
Okay, fine.
We did this shit.
I'm from here.
Back the bullies up, Mike.
Back the bullies up.
Say you're pro bullies in Jack Frost.
You take that hot state.
I'll tell you my two notes from the whole scene.
Wait, I got two notes.
The green screen is horrendous and I don't care one bit.
Okay.
The other one is the snowboarding stuntman is twice the size of the kid and I also don't care one bit.
This movie is fantastic.
That is the greatest.
That is my notes from that scene.
That's the greatest chase scene.
I like to assume that every time one of those kids bailed, and they all bailed different ways,
I just like to assume that they died each time.
Yeah, I did.
The kids get crushed by a giant snowball.
I love that scene because it was done so bad, but it was so funny.
It was so great.
I put best CGI since Mac and me.
Yeah.
Like, why were they just cool chasing a giant snowman on a sled?
I don't know.
They didn't even notice a snowman or whatever.
That's what I...
From their perspective, they can't see Charlie on the front of that sled.
So for most of the kids, they're following a snowman going down a sled and they're getting real angry about it.
And I don't care one bit.
How big was this fucking mountain, bro?
They start at the top and they're on a black diamond double fucking...
Like, they're avoiding trees and stuff.
Okay.
Why are they doing this?
Didn't one of the kids sunny bono themselves?
No.
Did he fly into a tree?
Yeah.
Two of them get sandwiched between two snowballs.
So whose sleds...
Who's toboggan sleds were those?
But it doesn't matter.
Why are they doing snowboarding tricks?
One kid has a snowman...
Oh, one kid sees a snowman dissect into three pieces to avoid a branch and then gets clipped, breaking his neck at the very least.
And if he lives, he's living with the fact that he saw snowman split into three and like land like a sentient snowman.
What was that other character's name in the...
Therapy for life.
What?
Oh, the Henry Owens character that saw him.
Yeah.
He knew my name.
Jack and Charlie are too comfortable possibly killing these children is what I wrote down.
These bullies rolling a perfectly placed snow boulder down the mountain are psychopaths.
And how the fuck...
Think about the logistics of this real quick.
Top of the mountain snowball fight going down with the bullies.
They see Jack.
They get hammered by hundreds of snowballs out of nowhere.
It obviously pisses them off.
They chase Jack to the edge of a small little eight foot cliff.
He falls down, lands on a sled with a snowman and starts heading real fast down a mountain.
They all decide we're going to get him.
We're going to go get this guy.
So they jump on their snowboards.
They strap into their snowboards and get on the same speed as the sled.
And grow three feet.
But the important thing is that they strap into their snowboards so quickly, find exactly where they need to go.
And now they're all actively chasing the snowman down.
Now, at some point, the bully took an arrow out and launched a flaming arrow into the sky
because his scouts that were strategically placed on the mountain creating snow boulders
were in place that when they got down way halfway down the mountain, they were ready to push their boulders.
Because in what?
Think about it.
How would that be possible?
You're one of the bullies right now.
There's snow war veterans from last year.
Is there a problem with this that everything else about the movie was so realistic except for the fight?
Yeah.
Again, Christmas magic made the snowman move.
I accept that as reality.
You cannot tell me the bully had access to Christmas magic or some sort of snowball magic
because the physics of it don't make sense.
If you start at the top of the mountain, every bully is chasing the snowman down.
How did some bullies break away, make snow boulders,
get in a position where they can roll those snow boulders down and have any effect on the chase that's happening?
By the time they stop to get even a little bit of a snow boulder going,
the chase is already hundreds of feet down the mountain.
How do you have more of a problem with that than the fact that every time they show up going on the snowboard, he's six foot three?
Because I, suspension of disbelief, Mike, I'm okay.
I know stunt men have to play the parts of children.
I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with them doing all these and like, you know, stale fishes or whatever when they're fucking going over the thing.
But and then one of those kids whips his sled like a horse to make it go faster.
That does happen.
He goes, watch out.
And it like goes faster.
And I'm like, all right, that's stupid.
He's like, my dad's dead, too.
He came back as a sled.
And once again, don't care one bit.
The movie ever.
The hug with when he when he hugs his dad and the stick arm grabs like touches his cheek or whatever.
I'm like, that just looks so stupid like that, like took me out of that end where he finally accepts that that's his dad and he's a snowman.
I just wished it would like break away from the movie.
He's like, all right, Charlie, I'm back from hell.
We got to find the tesseract to get me a new body.
That's great.
Your teacher will do.
I did some bad things.
I cheated on your mom a lot, Charlie.
And this is my pet.
So we need to put in hell.
He's like, where do you go?
Where do they go when you take over their body?
Oh, they go to snowman land.
It's great.
I just noticed that one of Charlie's friends is the youngest of the Lawrence Brothers, Andrew.
Yeah, the long haired boy that he eventually is like, I got you.
It does the little tap up in the when he goes to hockey.
That's Andrew Lawrence, a young age Lawrence.
Am I supposed to believe that when Jack Frost is teaching his son the J shot that they find a hockey stick shaped stick out of nowhere
and they use that?
Sure. I'm willing to believe that.
Am I willing to believe that in the time they were fucking around learning the J shot, they build an entire net out of sticks?
No, no, I do not.
They built an entire net.
Brennan, please give us the hockey perspective is what I wrote.
Is the J how effective is the J shot?
And can you build a net of sticks more?
The J shot is more like a snapshot, essentially, which is a real actual shot.
It's a quick, quick shot, quick, kind of accurate shot, not as accurate as a wrist shot.
But if you get accurate enough with it, it's quick, catches the goalies off guard.
But building a net out of sticks, I mean, you can take some time.
You still need netting, but like, yeah, you still need netting to stop the puck.
I like how he goes to his mom and tries to explain to her at the bank at her job.
And she's just like, it's all in your head.
Yeah, that's the second scene that made me cry.
You have to accept your father's dead, Charlie.
You have to accept that.
There's something going around that paralyzed kid that died on that mountain.
He kept saying he saw a snowman, too.
And then that lady in the back is just like, it would be funny if it cut to her.
She's like, come on, I fucking deposit this.
Like, is she angry?
Oh, I would be in the back like, oh my God, kid.
Kid, shut up. It's not real.
Snowman, your dad's dead. Snowman's aren't real.
Shutterfest looks delightful and fun.
Looks whimsical. I like that.
That old lady who is the e-sports, or sorry, the sportscaster,
is that old lady who sportscasts Charlie's game specific to that one little league hockey team?
Because it's one of those situations you see a trope in a lot of movies
where it cuts to college that's been losing constantly, right?
Or the underdogs, where it's just like on a losing streak.
And you go to the sports commentary box, and it's just like, here we go again.
Losing, losing, losing. They lose another pass.
And it's just like they're unenthusiastic and they're bored of whatever.
But then the moment that they start to win, they get real excited.
They're like, oh my God, folks, is this it? Right?
You've seen it a thousand times in sports movies.
Because the sportscaster is specific to that team.
They're there every fucking game.
This lady says, she says, oh, here we go again.
Like she's been stuck with this losing little league hockey team for their entire season.
She would be the commentator for both teams each time.
Well, not necessarily both teams, but maybe a group of five or six teams.
If it's anywhere like where I was, smaller town,
we had local radio stations, every high school football game.
There were two or three people like that who would go to the different games every week.
Yeah, so they knew all the players. They knew all the stuff.
They're like, yeah, so you got the high school, the Minnesota Vikings.
It was a small town situation.
But this is like, we're talking young. They're like eight years old, nine years old.
I don't know. But where it's at is what I'm saying.
It's similar because it's Medford. It's like Medford, Colorado.
It's not a big town. It's not.
But I would imagine with a local state like even here. Yeah.
This little channel two bullshit station we have here, they go to the high school football game.
Yeah, I get that. They do.
I know. I'm not even I'm not even I don't even disagree with you.
But what I'm saying is this lady, her allegiance would not be to Charlie's team.
It would be to like four or five.
It would be to that league, whatever that league is.
That's all I'm saying.
The way she structures it is the trope of disappointed sports commentator
who's been stuck with a losing team the last season.
That's how they frame it. I think that's lazy filmmaking is all.
It just doesn't work with what the scene is unless you're telling me that that lady just follows around the Charlie team,
the Henry Rollins team, and she just is she's on the losing streak.
I hate that.
Like, oh, these kids fucking sorry. Oh, shit.
And then she gets excited. Exactly. A little nitpicky maybe.
But yeah. Oh, that's the most of the best movie of all time.
Maybe Mike is the best movie ever made.
I think that woman has a movie ever made. I think that movie.
I think that woman has about. OK, fine. I think that's better than Violent Night.
OK. But what I'm saying is I think that woman has about 30 seconds of screen time.
This is the most nitpicky thing you could absolutely say about a movie.
I agree. I get it. You like the movie.
I wonder how this will affect the religions of Charlie and his mom now that they know that the afterlife is definitively exists exists.
Also, Christmas magic is real.
And if I were either one of them, I would exploit that knowledge.
I would exploit both. I would know that the afterlife is real.
So I would live a good life.
But at the same time, if you're allowed to come back as a snowman for living as a musician,
I would imagine that if I was there's ways to exploit that.
But really, what's important is knowing Christmas magic is real.
And with Christmas magic being real, Santa Claus must be real.
And if Santa Claus is real, there's a North Pole we can rob.
And so I'm thinking we get. Wow, that's a leap. I say the Jack Frost II is the heist movie.
Jack Frost II. Do you really want to fight Viking Santa Claus?
That put you having to fight.
If we're going with with the competency, I would like my perfect Santa is the whole whole whole cartoon Santa,
where he's everything is happy.
You know, he's he's he's he loves bringing presents to boys and girls because that is an easy Rudolph Rudolph Santa.
That one. Yeah, I want a Rudolph claymation Santa.
I want the easiest Santa for us to exploit and take advantage of violent.
Oh, David, David Harbor Santa versus Tim Allen Santa fight to the death.
No weapons. Fist only. He doesn't get he doesn't get skull crusher.
The only way that it would work.
The only way that it would work is if you did if you did their full workshops and magics against each other.
Yeah. Tim Allen has to become like the home alone kid to win that.
Tim Allen just know Tim Allen's got the he's got the elf force.
They're like SWAT team of elves and they're highly trained.
So they would be able to do some damage.
They'd be able to at least help with because and he also has magic and.
I think should be equal, really. Yeah.
And I don't think you could die.
That just gave me an awesome sequel for Violent Night is where he's back at the North Pole.
And it's like defense from like one of the SWAT team guys brother has a new SWAT team of guys.
They're going to go invade the North Pole and kill Santa.
Well, we sort of had that with the Jack Frost that was introduced in Santa Claus three.
The Santa Claus. They go to the North Pole to try to kill Santa.
Well, Jack Frost tries to take over.
I don't know if that's the same thing, but they do try to take over.
I want to see like elves getting like sniped and how about elves do a rebellion, a rebel.
That was bad. OK, let's just move on.
This is why I left two months ago.
Oh, yeah. I had to call you out on something about your bidet.
Do you call us all animals because we use toilet paper?
You still stand by that? Wait, no. Hold on.
He's trying to figure out where you're going.
Because you're like, I use a bidet.
The wheels turn and it's smarter. I save money.
I'm like, you realize how like rare drinking water is in some parts of the world and you use that to wipe your ass.
Yeah, but OK, hold on. First off.
Water is way more of a sustainable resource than paper.
Paper, we have to cut down physical living trees.
Paper regrows.
Water can be clean and the ocean is full of water.
We can take ocean water and turn it into bidet water. I don't.
I was going to say, I'm pretty sure that's not what they're doing.
So you're saying I take clean drinking water, I use toilet water, is what you mean, and I use it to spray out my asshole.
Yeah, I do. Yeah.
And if you're and if you're a starving Ethiopian kid that's never seen clean water, I've seen those videos of just doctors just pouring bottles of water on their faces.
They look like they're in heaven because they've never experienced anything so cleansing.
And you're listening to this podcast.
Fucking sell the device you're listening to go buy some water, you stupid, you stupid, starving African kid.
Go find some actually a really good Sam Kinnison bit that Sam Kinnison.
But yeah, I'm glad that those Ethiopian kids don't know what bidets are.
There's like they do what with the water?
They do what with the life giver?
It's like if I went to do the planet, the dude, and I was just like, yeah, I fucking.
I use this stuff on my ass.
Yeah. Where's your bidet?
Yeah.
And then finally, for my last note is in the credits, chest of the dog is played by Mr. Chips.
And I just think like, why don't you just use the dog's name?
You're not IMDB him to figure out what else he was in?
No, I don't.
I don't.
Well, I'm not insane, Michael.
I already knew he was in.
I thought it was cute when the bully helped the kid at the end.
Yeah, I did like that.
I like that there's some redemption.
Oh, yeah, I put oh, I forgot there's a note that said when they when the bully misses a shot, his buddy comes up.
He's like, nice going, but and I'm like, that's not a good support system for that bully.
He does not have a good set of friends.
So at the end, when he's now friends with Charlie, that's good.
I'm glad he had a one.
That's a good line.
Snow dad's better than no dad.
Yep. I'll help you, bro.
Snow dad's better than no dad.
I turned to my wife halfway through this, halfway through this, I turned to my wife and I went,
can you love and hate the fucking movie at the same time?
Because I love this movie more than anything I've ever seen in my life.
And I hate this movie more than anything I've ever seen in my life.
Yeah, literally, I've never cried more in a movie than this fucking movie.
You saw it for the first time later in life.
Yeah, I saw it as a kid for the first time.
Rewatching it as a parent is definitely has different effects.
Yeah, as a parent, this movie is it hits you like, fuck, I'm working too much.
I'm doing this too much and I need to spend more time with them.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I watched it.
I teared up when the snowman turned, sorry.
The emotional response, I teared up when the snowman turned into Michael Keaton.
It's just a weird thing to tear up at.
No, I get it, I get it.
I hated his little song that he sang his wife, though.
I didn't like it. I didn't like hearing it.
The soundtrack to this thing's amazing.
I cry when I sing.
The soundtrack is great.
Michael wrote, Michael Keaton wrote like two or three songs.
Did he write them? I didn't know he wrote them.
He helped co-write them.
Co-write them, yeah.
The interesting funny part about this, if you notice, if you pay close attention,
we don't have it up, but if you did, that snowman looks so much like George Clooney.
Well, it was designed.
Because he was going to be the player and they didn't change the snowman.
So they designed this snowman to be George Clooney.
If you look at him, if you start looking at the facial expressions and stuff,
they're George Clooney.
Oh my God.
That's great.
I wonder how George Clooney would have done that.
And the movie that he chose to do instead was.
Which is hilarious, that's the part.
He left this to do Batman and Michael Keaton came and did this.
Really?
Yeah, so Michael Keaton stopped being Batman.
No, yeah, Michael Keaton stopped being Batman.
To do Jack Frost.
Well, yeah, well, I was already planning not to do Batman again.
Oh, then there we go.
But Bruce Willis, or not Bruce Willis.
Clooney.
Clooney was like, oh shit, Batman opened up?
I'll do that instead of this Jack Frost bullshit.
Keaton took this movie.
I mean, it probably was Bruce Willis, according to him nowadays.
Yeah, I did Jack Frost.
Oh yeah, I play music in it.
I'm going to rate this five out of five schmaltzy tears because I couldn't stop
if I could cry in here in this stupid movie, which I love.
And the only thing I'm mad about in this movie is two things.
Well, not even mad about it.
One of them, the only thing that bugged me, you were talking about things that
bugged me in the movie basically, but to me it was what was with the black?
At first I thought this must have been made for TV because they kept having
black transitions.
And I thought, oh, that's a commercial spot.
I don't think you could call them that anymore, Mike.
African American transitions.
Anyway, it was just strange.
It was a strange choice.
They were all black transitions.
I thought, oh, this was just cut up for TV.
But no, it wasn't.
This thing had like an $85 million budget.
Which is a big thing to me too because I don't know where they spent it.
Oh, the graphics.
Which graphics?
The puppet.
Or the snowman.
I feel like it's like a Godzilla suit kind of thing.
Yeah.
No, dude, there's so much CGI.
I think the snowman was all CGI.
No, there's a lot of puppets.
I think he was a practical.
A lot of puppets.
A lot of practical.
It looked pretty practical.
Yeah.
Some parts were CGI.
There's definitely someone in there controlling it.
Yeah, and he's like, oh, there's a suit.
And like at the bottom, there's just a hole where his feet.
So he just kind of sinks down and like moves around.
Yeah.
Well, it looked great.
Yeah.
I mean, what did you give it, Brandon?
I also gave it a B.
Five out of five?
Five out of five snowball fights, I guess.
My only great point was when the kid built the snowman by himself,
how did he get that second ball on top of that first ball alone?
That's my only great point.
Christmas magic.
Just a movie.
Yeah, he was so torn up from his dad's death that he got the extra strength to lift that ball.
Yeah, adrenaline.
Yeah.
Dad death adrenaline.
I'm the man now.
He's raged out.
It was that same shit he used to break up that shit earlier.
He was like, ah, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it.
That free roaming dog's piss kept it melded together a little bit.
The other thing I'm mad about is that I spent $4 on it instead of 15.
I wish I had a buy.
It's a definite every year walk.
I've got to buy it.
It's an every year walk.
I'll just find a DVD or something.
That's so funny.
I gave it a four out of five.
I wish that they had put the dick on instead of the noses.
And I think the only reason it doesn't get a five out of five is because it's corny.
Some of the graphics don't hold up.
It's a little hokey.
It's a little schmaltzy.
Give us one more of those words.
It's a little bit too cozy for my liking.
I don't care one bit.
I mean, I like that kind of feeling a lot, but maybe as I'm getting older, I'm starting to realize that these things made for children aren't made for adult men.
Unless you have children.
I think that's really the difference, honestly.
It's a good Jack Frost review.
Now we're going to review Teraflip 2 and 3.
We're going from this to a live watch of Teraflip 3.
So Austin, finish us off.
I'm going to give it a B, actually.
I enjoyed this as a kid.
It was fun to go back and see what I remembered.
It's a good kind of cozy feeling.
Oh, yeah, I remember this scene.
I remember this.
I remember them talking about this.
And then also being able to go back and see all the things I didn't see as a kid, like Henry Rollins as the coach.
Stuff like that.
A lot of funny lines that I feel like I could get as a kid.
I just don't remember if I did or not.
Oh, I thought you said hose.
And he's going to put the dick on him.
My balls are freezing is one thing he says.
My balls are freezing.
I wrote that one down.
The kids saying, damn it, that was interesting.
The ending.
The only reason he didn't get a plus is that the dad should have been like, when he turns back into Michael Keaton, he should have been like, don't tell anyone about this later.
I'll institutionalize you guys.
But yeah, the B or five caret dicks.
We went on the same fucking same shit about dicks.
All right, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Kwanzaa.
Happy winter solstice.
Happy holidays.
Happy Starbucks Red Cup Day.
Happy reindeer day.
Happy what's the Scientology one?
Happy Battlefield Earth Day.
See you new day.
Happy new day.
Happy Jonathan Davis Women Appreciation Day.
Happy Amazon Prime Day.
Happy Fried Rice podcast.
A happy birthday, Brennan.
Happy.
Well, that was a couple of months ago.
Happy Christmas.
Happy whatever we did already.
I'm Andy Rice.
I'm the host of the show.
This is Fried Rice podcast with me.
Sometimes is Austin Jingle Balls Farrell.
With me as always is Michael Saggy Balls-Larsen.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
That was a way to knit that.
Wow, way to bring it down.
With us as always is Brennan.
The Saggy Balls came out of nowhere.
I've got big balls.
He's got big balls.
I've got the biggest balls of them all, simply up to Boston.
Why do you know so much about our balls, Andy?
Well, I do my research.
I'm Andy and I know all about your balls as well.
My balls are pristine.
He's talking about the ones in the tree, Brennan.
G.
Clip that.
Goodbye.
It's a fried rice Christmas and I've invited everyone.
Grab a pipe, a bong, a joint and all have ourselves some fun.
It's a fried rice Christmas and Andy's really high.
He's gonna go on a tangent soon.
The guys are standing by.
It's a fried rice Christmas.
Let's all smoke some pot.
We love all of our listeners.
You all mean a lot.
It's a fried rice Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.