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Hello!
zo
Hi!
I am
Hi!
I am
And I am
minutes
hours
minutes
Victory
The oldest vampire in the room and you can tell...
...Larsen!
More power.
What? Oh, what's that from?
Old vampires.
And welcome to another
exciting night
of 17 nights of Halloween!
Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha!
One!
Mu-ha-ha!
Two!
Welcome everybody
to a very special
spooky vampire episode
of Fried Rice Podcast.
This is our 17 nights of Halloween
where we're releasing an episode
every night. We don't know when this is going to come out.
It could be
the 23rd? I don't know.
We'll find out. Maybe
it is, maybe it isn't. The rules with
this are a little bit different than we typically do
in our standard Fried Rice Podcast
format. This isn't just one movie that we're
reviewing and talking about today.
This is a smorgasbord
of whatever we want to watch
as long as it's in the vampire
realm. So we are welcome to pick
we're welcome to go down whatever vampire
rabbit hole we want to go down
and bring it here to the pod for this
discussion.
And so... Except for Brennan
because he walked outside and ate garlic
and he's dead now. Oh yeah, poor Brennan.
And with us as always
is Brennan!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho-ho! That's good.
He's just in a mirror today.
Yeah, you can see him in the reflection.
Shipley in a coffin. Shipley in a coffin.
Shipley in a coffin.
But really this episode is about one thing
and one thing only ladies and gentlemen.
And we'll address it throughout the episode.
And that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I hope you guys
all watched at least a couple episodes
so you know what I'm talking about so the references
won't be lost on you. Fuck no!
And you say fuck no as if it's a bad thing
I'm asking you to watch but it's really one of the most
critically acclaimed, Emmy award winning
drama slash
it's very funny. Comedies.
I'm just kidding.
I bet they don't even have a musical episode.
They do. It's season 5. I bet they don't even have a movie.
They don't. They do.
I bet they don't even have books. They do, they don't recognize.
They do have books. I
talk about this too much, don't I?
You're making
fun of me. I get it.
But they do have a book called Monster Island
which kind of continues
the Doyle legacy
that you lose
out in Angel Season 2. Spoilers.
I'd rather watch Carrie Diaries
honestly.
That was a
waste of time.
Alright, well this is Vampire Specials.
We're allowed to pick whatever we want.
I say that we should start with
our boy Austin.
Oh yeah.
Okay, cool.
So this movie that I
chose might be
in the rings for another workplace comedy.
Okay, you did text me that earlier.
Because I've been, yeah, right after
I finished the movie I'm like, oh shit, this is
right in Andy's wheelhouse.
It's going to be right next to Battlefield Earth.
Which is great because it's like
absurd just like it.
I chose Interview with a Vampire.
Okay, alright.
Starring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise,
and a young Kirsten Dunst.
You say this is a workplace comedy.
Oh, that's rough.
Alright. You go back and watch it
and you're going to start laughing
at just the weirdest parts.
Like the way it just starts out.
Brad Pitt, normal guy, plantation
owner, wife dies,
doesn't want to live anymore, meets Tom Cruise
as a vampire. Tom Cruise
bites him on the neck on a boat.
And they start floating up into the
air. It's really homoerotic.
Pretty much for the rest of the movie.
Turns Brad Pitt into a vampire.
Takes him over to his house.
And Tom Cruise
just sees a rat on the ground.
And just grabs it.
And just crushes it over a glass of wine.
And takes it like rat blood vine.
I remember that's cool.
There's a
he's trying to teach
Tom Cruise vampires trying to teach Brad Pitt
vampire how to vampire.
Brad Pitt
bites this lady wrong.
And Tom Cruise just runs up and snaps this old lady's neck.
Just instantly because she's screaming.
He's like you gotta be better than that.
And Brad Pitt
has this insatiable lust for blood now.
Because he's a vampire. New.
So he starts eating chickens and birds and shit.
There's a part
where he's just like sick of being a vampire.
And there's nothing he can do.
He's all pissed off.
He starts burning down his own house.
And he frees all his slaves first.
He's burning down his house.
Him and Tom Cruise get into like a vampire fight.
And then the camera just zooms in.
They knock over this table of food.
And the camera just zooms in.
On this plate of crawfish that got spilled.
For no fucking reason.
It's just yeah.
Alright cool.
That's the end of the climactic fight between them?
Pretty much.
Brad Pitt runs off.
He goes to this house for whatever reason.
There's this little girl in there.
Her mom's just sitting in a chair dead.
Like she's been rotting for a while.
This little girl's cursing dunce.
She gives the man a hug. She's like
Our father left and hasn't come back.
And Brad Pitt's just like
And just bites her fucking neck.
I remember that.
And then she becomes a vampire on the bed.
She becomes their new
part of their
Oh Tom Cruise shows up in that house.
And starts dancing with her dead mom's body.
And I include that.
This zombified woman.
The next 15 minutes
is what I can only describe as
Kid vampire shenanigans.
She goes and
sits like she's like 30 years old.
But she's like in a child's body.
And she goes and sits on a bench.
A lady comes up and she's like are you lost?
And she's like yeah I missed my mom.
And then the lady hugs her and she bites her like yeah.
Little bitch gotcha bitch.
They try to give her piano lessons.
And the piano guy's like you're doing it wrong.
It cuts away for a minute.
And then she's like playing piano.
And the piano guy
starts like falling over.
And as soon as she finishes the song his head hits the notes
that finish the fucking song.
And she keeps killing people like stupidly.
There's uh she
Oh uh 50 minutes and
30 seconds tits.
Okay Mike. Yeah Mike.
30 minutes and 50 seconds tits.
Michael Larsen
There's titties for you.
She kills some lady keeps her in her bed.
Where she is just continuously
rotting. They're like what the fuck is that smell?
You've been keeping this titty lady
in your fucking bed?
Uh so
they decide uh let's see where
am I? Uh
Yeah so they decide she hates
she decides Kirsten does decide she hates Tom Cruise.
And she brings these
uh two boys passed out on the
on the couch.
And she's like look I know we've been like
rough you know.
So Tom Cruise I got you this gift. And he's like
really? Two young boys?
For me to suck the blood?
And she's like yeah go ahead.
She's like I gave them absinthe so
you know it's almost like
you know they're still alive. And he goes
and bites them he's like so we're cool now?
And she's like yeah he bites them.
They were already dead. Vampires
can't suck dead blood.
And so he's dying.
And uh her and Tom
and Brad Pitt decide like we're gonna
fucking take off.
Um yeah
Zombie yeah Zombie Cruise.
Oh yeah yeah he becomes Zombie
Cruise he's like oh
he like
It's so funny
because it's Tom Cruise.
I think yeah that
um the whole time you missed out
that he's talking to
in modern day
it just opens up with Brad Pitt talking to Christian Slater
um
as a interview like he's being interviewed.
Yeah that's how it starts out. And it cuts to them
I love that format where
it's the whole movie is like
either being narrated or not and they're just
telling a story and every now and then it cuts back
it's like wait a minute why'd you do this?
Why didn't you do that? Yeah and you know what's crazy
is Christian Slater's character was going
to be played by Joaquin
Joaquin Phoenix's brother River Phoenix.
But River Phoenix
passed away before it happened.
Okay so I wrote
so he tries to get on the boat they knock him off the boat
and they sail away and I wrote
Tom Cruise
and they go somewhere in Europe
they're trying to figure out the origins of like
so they can find other vampires it's just Brad Pitt
and Kirsten Dunst at this point.
Then Tom Cruise shows up again
but he's all Zombie Vampire
Tom Cruise look! He's playing the piano
in their house and they have to
get away from him. They set Tom Cruise
on fire.
He's all weak now though
so he's all just like RAAAGH!
Eventually they escape the house
somehow this on fire
Zombie Tom Cruise vampire
burns down the entire fucking city
they were just in and they sail away.
They go to
another place where they think vampires are
Brad Pitt just goes
like a grinder meet up into a dark hallway
and meets another guy walking just like
him and they realize they're vampires
and who does Brad Pitt meet?
Is Vampire Antonio Manderes
and
he takes them to the secret
society of vampires where they do
little improv shows like
theater where they
it's all vampires
doing
like a vampire play and there's one
lady that they strip naked. More tits
Mike. One hour sixteen seconds
nice tits
but I guess she doesn't
know she's in a play. She doesn't know what the fuck's
going on but everyone thinks
she's acting so they're like
vampires pretending to be humans
pretending to be vampires
which is very clever.
So yeah there's that
he's hanging out there for a while. More vampire
improv I wrote.
Later on
The points don't matter but you will get your blood sucked out of your neck.
Later they
have like their own vampire society down there
so there's vampire law
and Claudia Kirsten Dunst character
she broke vampire law
so she has to go to vampire court
where they're like you are sentenced to vampire
death where they stick her
in a well with this other chick. What was the rule she broke?
Trying to kill her master
and I think
trying to kill Tom Cruise
Brad Pitt and her are tight. They're cool.
Because he turned her so she even when she gets
pissed at him she can't stay pissed at him
because he's the one he's like the master
head vampire I guess. I don't know.
So yeah
they kill Kirsten Dunst by sticking her
in a well and when the sun
comes over the well and bakes her to death.
Fuck I forgot that. They do. They kill her.
And vampire
Antonio Banderas is like sorry
vampire Brad Pitt.
There was nothing I could do.
They were going to stick Brad Pitt in a coffin
for like god knows how long.
Antonio Banderas breaks him out.
Everyone in the vampire society
is asleep. They all sleep in coffins.
And so
vampire Brad Pitt finds out they killed her.
He goes through the entire
place and is just spilling gasoline
or wine or rum. Whatever
he can to burn the entire
place down. And he
lights everything. He grabs a fucking scythe.
And he goes stands by the
coffins waiting for all the burning
vampires to come out. And just starts
slicing their fucking heads off like brutal.
Brutally there's one guy
that actually fully gets out of his coffin
and runs up to him. And he slices them in half
diagonally. Guts everything.
Burns the whole place down. Blows it up.
Vampire Antonio
Antonio Banderas. It helps them escape.
And
it's a
they go somewhere. They're having
like a walk and talk. Just Brad Pitt and
Antonio. And they have like a really
deep face to face about everything that
just happens. And it's really
homoerotic. Like
they're inches away
from kissing. A lot of
homoerotic in
this fucking movie. So then he
just he becomes a normal guy. He goes
to America. He goes to see his movies.
He's just hanging out. And then
he goes into the cemetery.
I think it's back he's back in America
where it all started. But now
it's all different. It's modern. More
modern day. 90's. And
he goes into the old house.
And vampire Tom Cruise
is there. Yeah. But he's all like
like just
all scared and weak. And he walks
up to him. And a fucking helicopter
for no fucking reason
flies out right outside the window
with a spotlight shining on both of
them in the building. Tom Cruise doesn't
know what the fuck is going on. He's all scared of the
light. He's like it's artificial light. It can't hurt
you. And he's just like
I don't know why. Yeah they just exchanged
some work. Okay. Tom Cruise is afraid of
the modern technology. He's been in that house
ever since. I don't know how
he stopped being on fire in Europe. And
then. Well
I might have an explanation.
Tom Cruise
is the vampire Lestat.
That's his name. Yeah. And
the whole thing is based on a book by Anne Rice.
A whole book series. The vampire
Lestat right is the first
the first in the vampire
chronicles by Anne Rice.
Who when I was a kid I used
to tell people before I knew who Jerry
Rice was when I just had heard the name
I said Jerry Rice is my uncle. And then I saw a picture
of Jerry Rice and I was like no I can't say
that anymore. No one's going to buy that.
So I said Anne Rice is my
aunt. And people
bought that a lot more. I was like oh yeah Anne Rice
is my aunt. She's not. I've never met
her. But I did try reading the vampire
Lestat.
I think I read the first one. I didn't get past
it. Because I
it's just they're a little slow. It's like Twilight. You
didn't discover two times speed yet? No.
No. Two times speed technology wasn't invented yet.
With two times speed I could probably get through them.
But it's funny that you mentioned homoeroticism.
I mean yeah in the books full blown.
Guy on guy sex constantly.
Oh really? Yeah it's
glad I watched the movie.
I mean if I'm not mistaken
but I'm pretty sure the way he gets turned into
a vampire is a lot more
dude on dude making out
and hooking up and maybe
jerking each other off to become
vampires. It's gay as hell. It's gay as hell.
Which is great. I just think it's funny
that he goes through the cemetery. Goes to the old
house. Tom Cruise just sitting there
all week and shit. And then for
no fucking reason a helicopter, a police
helicopter decides to go
let's go shine a light into this building for a few seconds
oh there's two guys in there. One of them
looks weird. Let's go. And then they just leave.
And it never comes back.
Nothing about it ever again. This was the 90's.
They might have thought gay stuff was happening.
That was maybe still legal back then.
Oh it's just. We go to check if there's gay guys.
No just vampires. Just vampires.
I will say this.
The sequel to this movie
is one of my favorite vampire
movies. Queen of the Dam.
Where
Lestat having
let's say retconned
not got burned or
he completely healed from those
injuries. But Lestat
goes into his coffin
and then awakes in like 2010.
Or 2008
or whatever right. He
is awoken by
rock music that's playing from like
this band that's practicing in this
house. An abandoned house nearby the graveyard.
He comes out of the grave
and it's so. I mean that's one of those badass
things is they're playing the whole
soundtrack is done by Jonathan Davis.
So the
voice of Lestat is sung by
Jonathan Davis the whole time. So when
he comes in you hear
the band like playing and they're doing like
some dark shit and then you hear him like
start to sing and they hear it.
And they're like holy shit. And then he starts like
walking up the wall or doing some like vampire
shit. And he's like I'm a vampire.
Like I'm gonna make you guys famous.
This is what is this rock music. This is fucking
cool. I haven't heard this before. I like it.
And it's so loud. Like it's cool.
And he makes a rock band with them
and starts telling people that he's a vampire.
And he's like and everyone else is like
they're like aren't you afraid. The interviewer is like
aren't you afraid that other vampires are gonna get
pissed off that you're saying this. He's like
yeah I expect them to.
And I'll see them at the concert
Death Valley. You know like whatever. And it's
dude queen of the dam.
And then the whole time there's an ancient vampire
chick played by the unfortunately
deceased. She passed
away. Aliyah.
She was a singer. She is
so hot in that movie. And she's like
this vampire goddess who's ancient. They
awake her. And she's fucking
like
intimidated. Does she sing too?
Is this movie a musical?
No she doesn't sing. It's not really a musical.
Picture more like there's that. No.
And it's not a musical because it's not like
the songs aren't
if a song is playing it's playing.
It's not part of a narrative.
And I think that makes a difference between
a musical and just having music playing.
But sometimes they blur the lines in movies
which I'm not comfortable with. Where it's like
the music is playing perfectly
for us the audience as if
it was put in as a
post edit music choice.
And then it cuts to the radio and
it's a tinier version
because it's the inside the car radio
that the character is
listening to and then they turn it off and
everyone loses the music. You know what I'm talking about.
Like that classic transitional scene.
They do that with so many things
but I don't like
that. I don't like the jarring
either
keep it tinny, keep it
the radio quality the whole time, or
have the balls to pull out and she
just turns off the full volume
good sounding soundtrack
whatever. But I don't. Fuck it.
People gotta do what they gotta do. Continue.
It cuts back to Christian Slater being like
oh this story fucking rules.
And Brad Pitt's like oh fuck
like I feel
empty. Like you realize this is all terrible.
He's like no this is awesome. He chokes Christian
Slater to the ceiling, drops him
and then Christian Slater runs out
gets in his car. Why does he choke
him? Is he mad at him? He's mad at him for thinking the
story is awesome.
Okay. Cause Brad Pitt's like
I want people, I don't know what he was
planning. He's like I want people to not be vampires
and everyone listening is like okay
I guess I won't be a vampire. As if
there was a vampire
he got transitions
wrong. He predicted transitions wrong.
People were gonna transition into vampires.
It was gonna be other things.
But uh bad joke.
Christian Slater's driving
Golden Gate Bridge.
Tom Cruise just pops out of his back seat
and bites him. And he's zombie
cruise still isn't he? He's zombie cruise.
But he becomes no longer zombie cruise.
Apparently he could have done that
the entire 200 fucking years he
was a zombie. Cause he just had to suck
someone's blood. Yeah. It looks like.
Or maybe that was the last one to complete his
rejuvenation. Maybe.
But then he starts driving the car and he's listening
to the whole tape from the interview and he's just like
oh you dumb bitch. And then he
drives away and it's like flying away.
And that was the end of the movie.
And I thought this is another
at least the first half was like
solidly hilarious all the way through.
For all the wrong reasons.
But uh okay.
So what do you, I mean what's your take on it then?
Uh B plus.
B fucking plus.
Yeah it's so good. The movie's funny.
First time watching it?
Yeah I've seen bits and pieces of it cause my mom
liked that movie. Sure. She covered up
my eyes during the uh the vampire
improv scene. And I was like
why? And I was like that was it tits?
That's it? Alright. Little bit of bush.
It's okay with you watching him destroy with Scythe
cutting vampires in half.
But yeah.
Not titties. But yeah.
Okay B plus so uh
out of um
out of five cassettes
that needed to be reloaded throughout the uh
interview. Does he get
five cassettes or do you have a better one?
Four point five. Four point five cassettes
that needed to be reloaded. Four point five
and cigarettes that needed to be put out
by Christian Slater. Four point five
spilled crawfish dishes.
There we go. Four point five
zoomed in crawfish
disaster. Crawfish crash zoom.
Yeah. The crawfish
crash zoom. Four point five.
Four point five. Excellent.
And that's a great movie. I highly recommend you go watch
Queen of the Damned. Different directors, different actors.
But it is a direct
adaptation
of another book.
Well it's an adaptation
of a few other books just like
Interview was. His interview is a little bit
like the vampire. I think they throw in the vampire
Lestat and the book the interview with the vampire
plus Queen of the Damned is a few other
things thrown in. And there's a TV show
Interview with the Vampire
that just came out like a year or two ago
where I think they don't hold back
on the homoeroticism. I think that
in that show it's full blown.
I think he has a boy, like he has a guy
that he himself with. Common theme
amongst vampires. Stories.
Sex and homoeroticism.
I wonder if it's just if you're, yeah, if you're alive long
enough. I guess yeah you get bored
maybe. So yeah, see stop
hitting on Twilight. Vampires were
always gay. Yeah. Vampires
yeah, if you're
alive long enough, right? I mean that's
probably not though. I think you're just
bored in the way. It doesn't matter. We're not here to
discuss gay vampires.
So maybe we are. Mike, what did you pick to watch?
Well, I picked
what I thought was a vampire movie.
And for the first half it's just not.
It's a really good crime thriller.
And then it goes
insane when they get to the Titty Twister.
Which is where the vampires all come in.
I watched from
Dusk till Dawn. That's right. I remember you
telling me you were going to watch that.
How close was I getting the joke right?
Pretty close.
But
it's really the first half of it is straight
crime thriller. They're just, they rob the bank.
They kill a cop. They go to a
thing. It's absolutely
first half of this movie is straight crime thriller.
I haven't seen it but I've heard it
discussed so much that I kind of
get it. Oh, it's, listen.
It's what you get if you toss Reservoir Dogs,
The Evil Dead, and a bottle of Mezcal
and a blender and hit puree. It's
insane.
Banderas is in that as well, right?
Robert Rodriguez is in it.
Is Banderas in it?
I don't know. It has so many stars.
It's crazy. Oh, you're thinking of
Robert Rodriguez's
movie.
No, you're
I think.
Wait, what's the Antonio
Banderas vampire movie that you're thinking of?
I know what you're thinking. He's in
Interview with a Vampire but I think he's a vampire in something else too.
I think I'm mixing it up with that.
I know Quentin Tarantino plays a pretty big role.
Yes, he does. It's Quentin Tarantino
Just so he could suck on Selma Hayek's feet.
That's exactly what I, that's actually
in my notes about it is you can tell he
wrote it because there is so many feet,
sexual feet scenes in this movie.
There's not just one.
There's multiple sexual feet scenes in this movie.
We're the 80th people on YouTube to talk
about Quentin Tarantino's
obsession with feet. Let's talk about his
use of the N-word.
Yeah, let's do something new.
Harvey Keitel is in this.
He's great. He's a preacher.
He's the preacher's dad.
Wait, who directed? Robert Rodriguez?
Robert Rodriguez directed it. It was going to be Tarantino
directing originally but then he wanted to
play that part so he
decided to hire Robert Rodriguez to
direct it. Which interesting
thing about that, he
Rodriguez
handled like 90% of the camera work
himself.
There was a very low budget as far as
that stuff goes because they spent all the money on
vampires basically
and blowing up buildings and all kinds
of crazy shit.
But
once you hit the titty twister in this movie
it goes, and I mean straight crown throw in,
Clooney, George Clooney.
Are you trying to say the twist of the movie
and you just can't get titties out
of your head? Titty twister is the name of
the bar. Oh, once you get to the
titty twister. That's where they go. Once you get to the titty twister.
This whole time I thought once you get to the
twist of the movie. No, well it is
also, but that's how it's written
I guess that he wrote that, is that
the titty twister is where the twist of the
movie takes place. It starts as a
straight crown throw. I mean
it is hard boiled
crown throw for the first
30-35 minutes
until they get into Mexico to
And it's George Clooney and who?
George Clooney, Harvey
and Tarantino
is his brother, they're the Gecko brothers
and
when they get, they
kidnap this family
to take them into, to get
them into Mexico in their
RV
which is Harvey Cattell's the dad
and he's the preacher
or was, his wife died and he's
not got faith anymore at the point
but so once
they get there it's like somebody gave Robert
Roderick is a blank check and said go nuts
you know, it's just like literally
there's probably
in that first
the first
when the vampires come out there's probably a hundred
of them
and then there's
thousands after that when the bats, then there's
bats that come in. It gets
totally insane
It's not high art
it's just fun
it's this movie
going back and watching it 25 years
later or whatever it is, it holds up
it's absolutely
one of the
best movies, forget vampire movies
forget whatever, it's just a good
movie, it's fun
it has some bad special effects
because what does it when you're on those kind of budgets
but the writing of it's
great, you can tell it's Tarantino
Sama Hayek
hottest scene ever, terrified
of snakes by the way, that snake dance she does
she does a snake dance
she does a snake dance that's the hottest
thing you've ever fucking seen
and no, it's pretty hot
I discovered
a woman who steps on people's
testicles with her stilettos
to their just mush
I will say it's not
realtor porn, better than realtor porn
it's not very PC
there's a scene
where they basically say retarded people
shouldn't be able to serve food
for example
what's wrong with that?
can you say that? we didn't catch that
can you say it clear?
retarded people
should not be able to serve food
and that's a direct quote from the movie
that's terrible Mike, how could you say something like that
I cut you off because I didn't want that to be a thing
I hope nobody handsome clips this later
lots of great
one ladders, lots of great
one ladders in this movie
Harvey Cattell
at one point, what would mama
say about that? one of the kids asked him
she's dead, he goes, mama's got nothing to say
she's dead
the whole movie is
a lot of quips, a lot of one ladders
George Clooney surprised
to me because most of the time
I don't like George Clooney's acting
but in this
he's the best batman
he's an amazing
bad guy
he's layered, he's definitely a bad guy
he ends up being the hero of the story
but that's just the way
it's a vampire movie
so anything north of vampire
speaking of titties
there are thousands of titties in the movie
so you couldn't concentrate
you didn't even know the story
do you not like us saying that you like titties so much
you're getting annoyed
I don't really care, it's getting a little annoying
because you speak about titties
about 40 times more than I did
Mike, we literally mark down
anytime I watch a movie
I mark down the time to know when
you're the guy
that created the phrase
that titty hiding bitch
right, that's correct, there was a humorous time
we finally broke him Andy
he finally knows what cellios feels like
he literally just talked about
exactly, yeah
now you know
you're about to get a titty twister
let's put it that way
you said titty so many times
in your review of this movie
it's in the movie, I can't do anything about it
I didn't write the movie
I'm just saying, 10 seconds ago
I just watched it several times
you're like, hey, there's about 100 titties in this movie
oh you must have loved it
you're like, I hate that you would bring that up Andy
you son of a bitch
how dare you talk about my love of titties
now back to titty twister the bar
one of the funniest scenes I've ever seen
in the very beginning
you know what, I don't know this
this movie ruined one thing for me
and that's Cheech Marin
because
I have always thought of Cheech
being not a character
Cheech is 100% a character
just to tell you since you haven't seen it
like his stoner character
yeah, that's a character
that is 100% a character
you're saying he's a good actor otherwise
like he can play different roles
well no, I'm saying that he's the son of a police officer
who grew up middle class
and is not what he appears to be to you
but why does this movie bring this up?
because he plays a cop in this movie
and then when you go to look it up
and you find out his dad's a cop
and he's a middle class guy
and he just went to film school
but can I ask
does he play a cheechy cop?
no
so that's what I was more saying
I've always thought it's a character
I never thought it was a character
I never thought
that him or Chong were like
just
if you're a real degenerate pothead
like myself
the best you can do is a podcast no one listens to
if you're a
someone with drive
and ambition and a good actor
then yeah, you become the most famous pothead
to ever be a pothead on TV
Harold and Kumar
both of them fine actors
they know what they're doing
but they're still, they play potheads good
so yeah, this is what
honestly what a real pothead gets you
when you spend all your time and effort
thinking about when you're going to smoke weed
just being high all day long
anyway, so this
continue, sorry
it ends up
they fight off the vampires
they all die except for
Clooney of course at the end
and one daughter of the family
who wants to go with him at the end
Samahayek, okay?
Samahayek is very dead
another one liner out of this movie
Welcome to Slavery
Samahayek says that to Clooney
one of the best lines I've ever heard in my life
she's got him down on the ground
right, she's telling him you're not even
good enough to drink the blood of human
I'm going to give you the blood of dogs
and then you're going to lick my feet, the dog shit off my feet
she's telling him all this on the ground
no, she's telling Clooney this
I'm just saying, thanks, right
there's a footnote written by
TM Tarantino
he's got that
pretty much down
anyway, he looks up at her and says
so she says, welcome to slavery
he looks right up at her and he says
no thanks
I've already been married
shoots her in the face
but
there's a lot of that in this movie
our older listeners love that joke
Austin and I, we're just like, we're too smart for that shit
you see us in our 30s
not getting married
not getting married, right
it's because we chose it, Mike
they MacGyver a bunch of weapons together
just absolutely MacGyver weapons
one of them is a steak on a
some kind of a
frost thing
I remember that
that's the preacher guy makes that
carries that the whole time
he gets his faith, he blesses holy water
they do all the vampire tropes
at one point they even say in this movie
they say, one of the lines is
the preacher Harvey Cattell goes
has anyone here actually read a book about vampires
are we just making shit up
we saw in a bunch of movies
that's pretty good
wait, is the priest over the top
does he talk weird
does he have like a mustache
and sunglasses
no sunglasses
who am I thinking of
is there a vampire guy where he talks like this
I don't know
Shaft is in this movie
this movie has people
which chef?
OG
what's his name
fire something
does his name have fire in it
you'd have to pull it up and see all the names
yes, that's right
smoke tree
anyway, he's badass
a lot of parts of this movie
you look at people in this movie and you go
holy shit
can't remember some of their names right now
but you see them much younger than they are now
and so, not now
they looked a lot older even 10 years later
Clooney has brown hair
and I don't remember Clooney ever having brown hair
once he realized he was a silver fox
he ran with it
they MacGyver a bunch of weapons together
they escape
Chong I believe is who shows up at the end
Chong?
oh that's funny
Chong shows up at the end
as another cop?
no, he's like a bad guy who's taking them to this point
he's the guy who has to give 30% of the money
to this guy
for a hiding spot after they rob the bank
but the whole thing
it's just fun
it's a fun vampire movie
disguised as a crime movie
disguised as a crime thriller
disguised as a foot fetish movie
I don't really know
it's almost impossible to describe the movie itself
because it's so insane
it's tough because
if we're getting a Michael review we need a
it's basically
so what is it basically?
I want one every time
it's basically something because it's going to be your trademark
we can make a complimation
in the future I want just a movie to pop up
it's basically Slatsman
it's basically a romcom
it's basically Foot Porn
it is what this movie basically is
but I like how you
decide what my trademark is going to be
I didn't decide it
you decided that you need to make one
what it is is 4 and a half bloody tequila shots
ooo
4 and a half bloody tequila shots
because it takes place at a bar with vampires
and there's a scene of he's getting these kids
to drink tequila and shit
bloody tequila?
well, but I like it
it's great
slowly remembering facts from the movie from all the titties
oh yeah, they made blood tequila
the interplay between the family
and Clooney
is amazing
Quentin Tarantino honestly is just uncomfortable
the whole movie, everything about Quentin Tarantino
is just uncomfortable, but that's just Tarantino
and he's doing it on purpose
why it's just him
he does tell a joke that I like
the guy walks into a bar
I'm going to tell it my way, the way I've been told
the guy walks into a bar and he goes up to the bartender
and he bets him a thousand dollars
that he could piss into the shot glass
that's on the corner of the bar from the other side of the bar
and the bartender's like
you're drunk, go home, I don't want to give you
I'm not going to do it
the guy shows him the money, he goes alright fine
so he goes to the other side of the bar
whips his dick out, starts pissing
fucking everywhere
he's got people drinking, he hits the bar
he hits the bartender himself, gets nowhere near that shot glass
not a drop gets anywhere near it
when he's done, he walks up to the bartender
hands him a thousand dollars
the bartender's smiling, because he just won a thousand bucks
this guy's smiling too
the bartender's like, what the hell are you so happy about
you just lost a grand, he's like yeah
I might have bet you a thousand bucks
I could piss into that shot glass from the other side of the bar
but you see that group of gentlemen over there
I bet each one of them five thousand dollars
I could piss all over your bar, you'd be happy about it
it's a good joke
did I do it wrong?
no, you did fine, that's the dialogue of this movie
one of them
does anybody know what's going on
Seth, Clooney says
I know what's going on, we got a bunch of fucking vampires out there
trying to get here and suck our fucking blood
and that's it, I don't want to hear anything about
I don't believe in vampires
because I don't fucking believe in vampires
but I believe my own two eyes, and what I saw is fucking vampires
now do we all agree that what we're dealing with is vampires
that's like the dialogue of this movie
listen, I know I was joking earlier with the whole Buffy thing
but
that has some Buffy vibes, without all the F words
Buffy's one of the best well written
like
addressing the whole vampire thing
oh, a couple of interesting things
Salma Hayek
totally scared of snakes
had to get hypnotized
they paid for her to get hypnotized so she'd do that snake thing
that's weird
yeah it is
they use green blood for the vampires
so it's every time they stake it
or whatever for what, green blood going everywhere
because we're going to get an NC-17
there's that much blood and gore in it
and
the most interesting thing
and you can see it now
after reading it and finding out about it
the design of the vampires
and all the makeup and stuff
is Greg Nicotero
from? Walking Dead
ok, he did the zombie design
and wrote the comics
and yeah, all that
ok, so he did the design for this movie
yeah, he did the vampire design
that's very cool
and so we had 4.5 before he gave it out of 5
alright, well
I rate this episode 2 Buffy mentions out of 5
I know, I should do more
I should at least do a solid 5 out of 5
I am listening
I will give a shout out to
the rewatcher
it's a Buffy podcast
where it's
two women who have a much more successful podcast
called the Morbid
podcast
they do a rewatch of Buffy
and I have been listening to that non stop
I love it, well
not non stop because I do have to read
or listen to books for book club and stuff
but if I didn't have book club
I think I'd just be all 90 episodes by now
I'm obsessed with it
they are very funny
so if you like Buffy, if you've watched it before
and you want to listen to some people
rewatch it
and that's something you're interested in
then you know, listen to them and then come back
to us when we do our own
let's do a shameless plug here because we're going to do
and we've already started by now
yeah, so
either this week, next week, or the following week
look for the first
episode of, we'll come up with a name
for it by then, but Mike
and Andy rewatch Smallville
well actually I rewatch it, Mike's watching
Smallville for the first time
and we're going to start from episode one and work our way
forward and then, ladies and
gentlemen, there's going to be another show
with Austin and I
where we are going to be watching
wait, no, this is, fuck, this is our Halloween
episode, what are we doing? So you can go back
and listen to the first few episodes
months ago
god
anyway, whatever, it's my movie, right?
what have we been talking about?
I watched, I went a little extra on this one
because I feel like this, I didn't do well
in the Zonda one. You make sure they're all the appropriate shows
movies first
and not just have the same person's
name
wait, what do you mean?
It's Carrie Diaries
oh Jesus Christ, I forgot
that might not even have aired yet, but
look, I just
we did film three episodes today and you had to take a bong
rip for each one and I just killed a joint
right now, so I watched
Fright Night 1985
and Fright Night Part 2
and Fright Night 2011
so I watched
what I'm considering the best vampire
trilogy of movies you can find
so, Fright Night
1985, one of the first
movies I ever watched with vampires
that was like a horror movie that really
stuck with me, I watched it with
with my
I watched it on a laser disc
across the street at my neighbors house
my neighbor bought every
laser disc and that came out
of all the movies, he just wanted to own all of them
and he worked at a
at a rental place
so he had a discount and so
he had Fright Night, we watched it
and it's one of my
favorites, always stuck with me, so
it's a Tom Holland film
and I thought, who's the kid that played
Spider-Man, is his name Tom Holland?
yep
so I put Spider-Man, but
he didn't direct this 1985 movie
10 years before he was born
so, okay
the movie opens with
Charlie and his girlfriend, played by
what's her name, from
Married with Children, the neighbor from
Married with Children, Nancy?
Nancy from Married with Children, did you
ever watch Married with Children?
I don't remember the neighbors fucking names
well the little blonde
the short chick with very
short blonde hair
Marcy, Marcy
Marcy the neighbor, she had two husbands
she had a husband the first couple of seasons
then he divorced or died or whatever
and then she was with Steve
speaking of just scariness
why do I know that name?
I could pull the name Marcy out of there
I can't remember my grandchildren's names half the time
I hope they don't listen to this much
your grandchildren
but I hope the actress who plays Marcy does
because she'll feel good about the fact that you did know
he counted all the titties from
Dust Till Dawn, but he can't remember my fucking name
he can't remember my name
so it opens with a classic vampire movie
playing in the background, it's corny, but it's like
corny lines, but it kind of sets the
vibe pretty cool
Peter Vincent, vampire
killer is introduced
so there's an actor, an old
timey actor, he's on a
he's on like a public
access style channel where
he plays old movies
in this particular night he's playing one
where he's the actor that's
in the movie, so he even says like
this next one I'm a particular fan of because
I star in it, hahaha
but you know that's real right?
that whole thing out of this movie is real
but Peter Vincent isn't real
if you're talking about
if you're talking about like What's Her Face
Vamp- not Vampirella
I'm talking about him, that really
exists, if you go back you can find it
but not Peter Vincent, yes
this is played by Roddy McDowell
I know, Roddy McDowell does that
same thing, that's what I'm saying
are you related to Ian McDowell? I don't know
Palpatine?
I don't know
but you're saying, okay, so what you're
saying is, if you go back
to the 60s
60s, Roddy McDowell
played a vampire
killer who hosted a
B-movie style
show, yes, he played like an
Elvira character
an Elvira who is also, or that other guy
yes, exactly, he
really did that
as a job before he became
famous
okay, well that's interesting
so maybe that's why they picked him
as like an homage to it
but I was going to say, I mean that's an
interesting tidbit of information
that's why we keep a Gen Xer up here
but Peter Vincent
Vampire Killer is not as
good as Buffy the Vampire Slayer
if we're talking about what sounds
better, I think Buffy wins
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
versus Peter Vincent the Vampire
Killer
so, okay, this is where we start with the most
unrealistic part of this whole movie, okay
it's kind of hard to build
oh hey, it's 420
I just thought I'd mention that
yay, 420
so this whole movie is vampires
but
the most unrealistic part is
this kid's hooking up with his girlfriend
she finally is allowing him to have
sex, and then he notices
out the window that someone's moving a coffin
in next door, and he stops
about to have sex with Marcy
a young Marcy from
married with children, and he goes to the window
and he stands there, and she's like
Charlie, are we going to
fucking do this or what? And he
he's like, hold on a second, they're moving a coffin
in next door
now, for one, she should have been like, what?
what are you talking about? And joined him
but instead she's like, you're not paying attention to me
and she fucks off
and a vampire moves in next door
he knows this, nobody believes him
it gives off that Disturbia vibe
or that secret window vibe
or whatever it is, right?
but it's
but it's vampires, right?
so, he has this annoying
fucking friend, the most
annoying actor in the
fucking world, this guy
he sounds like a
hyena brought to life
which is, they do make him into kind of a
wolf character later, so it does make sense
anyway, I got both of you
too high, I can tell, I'm looking at
Oscar right here, your eyes are glazed over
but
I'm sorry
but anyway, we, look
the vampire
that moves in next door
is intimidating
he's sexy, right?
like, if you're into, like, from a chick's point of view
like, all the chicks are fucking into him, right?
like, he's a good looking guy
he uses his magic, he's intimidating
he knows that
Charlie is onto him, there's like a few scenes where
Charlie's looking out his windows and like he'll be
oh, there's titties, sorry, I did write down
movies had titties, Mike, there we go
I just did write that down
but he's biting the neck
of some chick in the window, and as
he bites it, he looks up at Charlie
looking at him in the window, and then he just
casually walks up and like lowers the
blind, like, as he's making eye contact
with Charlie, he kind of smiles, cause he like
knows he's onto him, there's some
good fucking
suspense
buildup
I put, holy shit, that's an intimidating vampire
it's played by Chris
Sarandon, who
is the, he was Prince
Humperdinck from Princess Bride
you're trying to place the face
and if you're trying to place the voice
he plays Jack Skellington
in Nightmare Before Christmas, he's the talking
voice of Jack
they have super good practical effects in this
movie, the main kid
watches nothing, but, okay, so the main
guy watches nothing but horror movies, right? He's a
huge Peter Vincent fan
he watches the thing, there's always
horror movies going on, and yet
when a vampire moves in next door
he has to go to his friend
who's Ed, Evil Ed, is what they
call him, Evil, and he goes to his
annoying fucking friend, he's like, how do you kill vampires?
What are you supposed to do? How do you like, prevent them?
And his friend's like, hey man,
you never fucking dealt with a vampire
before? It's really
annoying, I'll never do that again, but he's the
worst thing you've ever heard or seen in a movie
he tells him, garlic
steak, sunlight, you know
all the shit
but what I didn't know
until part two
was, did you guys know that
roses, according to
the book Dracula, so we're talking like
OG vampire source material kind of stuff
roses, the
smell, I wrote it down
I'll get to it in Friday Night's part two
which I did watch, oh, well
it's right here, you know what
no, we'll get back to it, so
he
so he watches all these vampire movies, doesn't know
how to do anything, he has to turn to his friend for help
whatever, his friend doesn't believe
him, even though all the characters
this guy has Dracula posters on his wall
would believe him, doesn't
he says, you're crazy man, he he he he
and then like as they're walking down the street
there's an alleyway, and he's like
I'm gonna go down the alleyway, they're like, don't
there's vampires, like, you promised us
to stop doing that, I did a different version
but he's like, alright man, I'm gonna go down
I'm gonna go down this alley, and
he goes down the alley and gets
immediately caught by the vampire
Jerry, and when his name is
Jerry, and in the second one, the remake they go like
Jerry, that's a stupid name
for a vampire, and it's Jerry in both
of them, all the names that are in the remake too
I love it, so Jerry
takes, but
this is such a dark
scene, cause it's like in the alleyway
and he catches the kid, and the kid immediately
realizes, like the annoying friend realizes
oh shit, Charlie was right, he is a vampire
I'm about to get bit
and the guys like talk to him, and he's like, hey
no one respects you, you don't have any friends
this is gonna make you cool
like this is gonna like give you what you want
and as he's talking to him, he doesn't have a choice
but he's grabbing him, and then the look of like
the look
of I'm about to die
is so tragic
of this kid's face, where he just accepts it
and he goes, okay
he like leans back and gets fucking bit and turned
it's cool, and then he becomes
the most annoying vampire you've ever seen in fucking
life, oh my god, you think he gets
better when he's a vampire? No, and then at
one point someone puts a cross on his forehead
and burns it into it, and he becomes
even more annoying, because he's
annoying in pain
for the rest of the movie, it sucks, but um
the vampire has his own soundtrack
and it's 80s synth
it's dark 80s synth, so I fucking
love it, he eats a shit
load of human food
like fruit and stuff, and I don't know what that's all about
they go to the most 80s
club of all time
and then he takes Marcy
the vampire, this is
Charlie and Marcy trying to get away from this guy
they're in a club, they're
hanging out, they're like oh god, this has been some shit
what are we gonna do? Vampire comes
in, Jerry, looking hot, right?
he just makes contact
with Marcy, pulls her onto the dance floor
with like his mind, she comes onto the dance floor
and they have the most
you're gonna get kicked out of a club for
sex stuff in a club
dance you've ever seen, she
goes, I think she puts her mouth
on his dick outside of his pants
for a moment, like she's going up
and down his body, he's caressing her
Charlie's getting cucked in the corner
he's trying to get over to her, can't, tries
to take her, can't
Jerry gets her, takes her
to his fucking
house and starts, what's up?
just so funny, cause I think Charlie was
her husband's name on
married with children 2
Charlie and Marcy
Charlie's played by
Herman's head
the actor who played Herman's head
are you familiar with Herman's head?
no, Herman's head is a TV show
in which the guy from
fright night plays a
it's inside out, the sitcom
from 30 years ago
where a man has
something I don't know
inside out, the Pixar movie
where a girl has different
you see her emotions
played out in her head, you've seen that
I know of it
I'm not really up to date on Pixar
okay, fair enough
the very famous inside out movie
which everyone has seen
except for you I guess, but it is a super
popular movie franchise, the second one just came out
but it's a girl
with voices, not voices in her head
but all of her personalities
and how they interact with each other
anger, joy, sadness, that kind of stuff
30 years prior
you had Herman's head
which is a sitcom about a guy who was living his everyday life
but unbeknownst to him
he had his feminine side
his masculine
sports jock side, his nerdy side
his whatever, personified
his real actors living in a sitcom
world of their own inside of his head
like they had a
married with children type of like vibe
with the laugh track whatever inside his head
I think, and he just lived the regular
so anyway, him
he's Charlie
they have a sex scene
and I put holy shit that's Marcy from Married with Children
because that's what I realized
they go to Peter Vincent
to try to get his help, which I never understood
about these movies, but they go to Peter Vincent
he's like this guy, he's the vampire
killer, let me go get his help
so he tries to get his help
and when Peter Vincent realizes
that it's a real vampire
at first he's like alright kid, whatever
he says no, he says like I'm not gonna do it
then the friends show up, they're like
please, our friend is
he's insane, will you just go show him
that Jerry's not a fucking vampire so we can move on
with our lives? They go to the house
he's like alright, I gotta make sure
you're not a vampire, here's some holy water
Jerry drinks it
no issue whatsoever
you'll find out later
because Peter Vincent has no faith
there's the most iconic scene
in this whole movie, the one that stuck with me my entire childhood
is Peter Vincent, the old man
is holding his cross, this big one
against Jerry the vampire
and Jerry like, he's got his
long nails out and he looks a little bit more vampire-esque
he reaches out, grabs the cross
and just crunches in his hand, he's like
in order for that to work you have to have faith
and then fucking punches him, and I'm like
oh that's good
that's so good
but it's true, you gotta have faith
that's the whole storyline to the other movie
and yours?
the preacher doesn't have
faith because his wife died
and then he gets faith back and he becomes a badass
then he
grabs the cross
but yeah, when Peter Vincent
finds out that he is a real
vampire by holding up a mirror and seeing that there's no
reflection, he basically
just runs away, like he's a coward
and he does not want to help
they have to beg him and beg him
or he's just fucking smart
fuck this, I'm out
I'm a freaking actor
yeah, exactly, that's what it is
I agree with you guys, he's like
you coward, you won't face a real vampire
but I will say it sucks because Charlie
doesn't have to go alone
but the friend turns into a wolf
okay, so
when the wolf attacks Peter Vincent
inside the house
of
Charlie's house
he stakes him through the chest
and he turns back into his human form
so he's like real bloody
and the cross heals on his forehead
but then he dies as a human and he's like
naked on the floor, right?
in the sequel
which I'll get to
Charlie
is seeing a therapist and his therapist
has finally convinced him that there's no such thing
as vampires and he asks
him, are you going to reach out to Peter Vincent?
I know it's tough because he
murdered your best friend, I know it was
self defense but it was a gruesome way
for someone to die
so that, I even put
that's a gruesome death
for the best friend, he had a pretty violent
horrific death
then from the perspective of
convincing him that
you're just this old man that you convinced
to come help you fight this imaginary
vampire killed your best friend
in the process, ooh, that's rough
at least for a moment until you realize there really are vampires
but main guy
is Herman's head and the finale
they are fighting the main
vampire inside the house
and it's blacked out
windows and they throw
rock and they see sunlight peek through
so they start smashing all the windows and
creating like a bar of light
or whatever and then they
fight them and then
at the very end the credits roll and it's the
most 80's pop song
you've ever heard, it doesn't fit
at all the vibe
of a vampire movie so I was like great
holds up super great, I give it
I'll give it
five, I give it
five, marces, what?
I give it five marces out of
five marces, five sexual marces
five sexy marces out of five sexy
marces, then I did
Fright Night 2
because part 2 which I had never seen before
I didn't even know there was a sequel
this one's much different but it is a direct
sequel because it opens with a previously on
sort of vibe where it shows like
him fighting Jerry, then he's sitting in the
therapist office, he killed
your friend, it's natural to feel a certain
way I put, he killed your best friend, that's great
there's an actor
named Jonathan Cries
I bet you he got a lot of shit growing up
I just saw it pop up in the credits I thought
alright, he has a new girlfriend
she's hotter, she's the chick from
my boyfriend's back which I
found on YouTube for free I'm gonna watch but that's
a zombie boyfriend, he comes back from
the dead because he doesn't want to lose the hottest chick in high school
he dies and then he comes back
to try to win her, it's a very cute rom-com
that I loved from the 80's
and I'm like this definitely feels like a
sequel, then we're introduced to the
lamest vampire of all of them which is a
there's a group of vampires
two black chicks, tall white guy
and then this like little skinny white guy
one of the black chicks is on roller
blades or roller skates and she
zooms around and kills her victims with it
and it's not, it does not
hold up, it's very very stupid
I put it very stupid, then you get the
pervy, there's a pervy
wolf vampire guy which I love
this whole time he's trying to get with
Charlie's girlfriend in this
one, not Marcy, he's trying to get
with my boyfriend's back chick
so he's like creeping on her in her dorm
cause now it's college, so he's like up there in his
wolf form, his like wolf vampire form
he's like in a wolf vampire hybrid
werewolf vibe, whatever
he's crawling up the thing, he's like on her thing and he's watching her
he's like trying to get through a window
she shuts her window
his nails break, he falls to the floor
and his tall buddy's standing and goes like
you're supposed to bite him on the neck
gives him shit for it and that comes back so much
the side, those two side
vampires are the most entertaining
part of this movie, the tall guy
who is, you would recognize him
as
oh my god, it's been so many things
I don't know if it's worth pulling up
but it's
he's a super big guy
he's in
shit, I'm so sorry everybody
oh my god, I hate this new thing that they do with
with google
ok, it's this guy right here
Brian Thompson
he's a big motherfucker, he was in
Mortal Kombat Annihilation, he played Shao Kahn
he's the punk that the Terminator takes
this clothes from, I need your clothes
is this the guy that looks
kind of like Jaws, go up
oh yeah, he's exactly who you think he looks like
yeah, he looks like Jaws
yeah, this big
motherfucker right here from X-Files
from Orville
I'm confusing with the character that played Jaws
years ago
yeah, James Bond
so, he, his
he's the vampire in this, he's always dressed up in a suit
he's very clean
he doesn't want to get anything dirty
he picks up bugs
he names the scientific name for it
and then he eats the bug
and so later I showed you guys how he died
he gets ripped open and then bugs fall out of his stomach
what a cool effect that was
but
I put the, yeah, so
Regine, who's the main
vampire chick
is fucking hot
she seduces Charlie, she gets him to be his
thrall, she bites his neck
she turns him into a half vampire later
uh
Fright Night, the college years is what I put
um, oh
her brother was Jerry
which doesn't make sense, but her brother
was, oh, here's a line
Jerry Dandridge was a thousand years old when
you spilled his blood, I thought that was cool
so she's going to turn him into a vampire and then torture
him forever
is sort of what she wanted to do with George Clooney
so I'm high, yeah, very similar
movies, uh, Wolf Boy
oh, so then Wolf Boy
shows up, I call him Wolf Boy, but
he's another vampire, but he shows up
when Jerry's, or when Charlie's
busy and takes
his girlfriend to a concert
and tries to hook up with her and he starts
to kind of fall for her and when he, like
even when he leaves the concert he's like, oh that was fun
the other guy's like, you're supposed to bite her on the neck
uh, he keeps saying this over and
over again, because the dude's like falling for it
and then he becomes sweet until he tries to rape her, then it's
then it's, you know
oh, he says, I'm not hungry right now
it's like his excuse, but he's like, he's falling for it
um, these side bands
are just as interesting as the main ones
um, the moth, the scientific name
uh, he eats it, Peter Vincent
is scared still
but he, I love it
uh, he genuinely fears dying by vampires
he gets in his car at one point and just tries to
fuck off, but then like, his morals
wouldn't you? yeah
and then we get, now I work in the pizza business
and Mike works in the pizza business
and I put at
at 51 minutes and 36 seconds in
you get the pizza
exposition dump of a
lifetime, where he's just
at a pizza counter and some chick's like
I've got natural whole grain
wheat bread, none of that
preservatives, the sauce was
manually brought here from Italy this morning
it was pure press, tomato, you know, like
whatever, and he's like, no I'm sold, he's like
sausages were cut, but he's like, no I'm good
it's just like she keeps, and then he
eats the thing, because it's garlic
he spits it out, but what a way to show
he's allergic to garlic
there might have been a less
a less two minute long scene to show
there's a whole clove of garlic on
each slice, exactly, that's what she says
um, Shao Kahn
the actor, guess what else he's been in
Buffy
Buffy the vampire slayer, four
he has been in there
and then I have
oh
Peter Vincent, after
fucking off, this is where he comes back, but he's sitting
in a bar, and this guy walks
up to him, he's like, hey man, how have I not
seen you before? He's like
yeah, I'm Peter Vincent, the vampire
killer, he's like, man what'd you say
I'm a vampire killer
he's like, what man, what'd you talk about
and then as he's looking at the
as he's saying it, he goes, I'm a vampire
killer, and then the guy's like, what'd you talk about
and then he looks at the TV, cause he sees
something, he sees Regine took over
his, his beat, she took over
his show, that's part of it, so he's watching
he goes, I kill
vampires, and he stands
up, and he goes to like his call of action
very cool
so according to Dracula
roses hurt vampires
the scent keeps them at
bay, the thorns trap
vampires in the grave
and the petals can damage a vampire
so they go, they get a bunch of stuff
from the, Charlie
is, the therapist
turned out to be a vampire
I didn't see that coming, but the therapist
is giving the girl, his girlfriend a ride
and they're at a train track, and they start to
he's, he's vampsawing her, and he tries to kill her
what was
the vampire movie we watched earlier this year
that had roses in it, cause that's
the only place I've ever seen that before
we watched it for this show
earlier this year, and it was a comedy
it had
Day Shift
Day Shift, the house, remember they had
roses all around the house
there we go, yeah, so there we go, it has
been mentioned, good catch
that was earlier this year
it might have been last year, I've been here since season
two, episode one, it was Day Shift
but the therapist
being a vampire was so funny because
when he, when he dies
he dies
so she kills him, like
so she stabs him
she pulls a fucking
steak out of a railroad
plank, which, okay
but then she stabs him in the chest, it doesn't quite do the job
all the way, so he's not quite dead
and she's like, uh
and she's reaching for him, he's like, no, don't
it's important for you to address
what you're feeling right now, I'll get this
and he like takes the steak and
he trips, and he lands
on the steak more, and he kills himself
and uh, and he goes
it's just like, it's okay, it's like, you know
these things happen or whatever, like he's still being a therapist
looking out for her best interest
after having just wanted to kill her
I thought that was really funny and well done
uh, so then she hooks up
with Peter Vincent, they go to like
the, they get a bunch of supplies
like they, they get ready to go
he gets a canister full of holy water
a bunch of weapons
and shit, and they go and they fight the vampires
it's a big old fucking uh
thing, one of the deaths
is he takes the holy water
he sprays one of the vampires in the face
the vampire, he
didn't know if it was gonna work, it hits him, he goes
aaaargh, like he's
slightly burnt and he goes, sweet
and just holds it down
and he goes through the guy's face
and then it starts out of his
neck, just ripping his fucking body
down, it's such a cool death scene
uh, and then I put the
and then I showed you that the bug boy gets
murdered and uh, then
they cover the other one in like a holy cloth
and murder her
and then there's just a big fight out in the basement
it's cool, they put communion wafers in her coffin
to prevent her from uh
going there to get away from the sunlight
they stop an elevator shaft, big old fight
scene, very cool, loved it
I give it five um
roller skating vampires
out of five roller skating vampires
and then I watched of course
the 2011
remake, this one will be quick
it stars Anton Yelchin
Colin Farrell is the Jerry
Anton Yelchin is the Charlie
Hot Chick is his girlfriend
um, and
it's
probably one of, it's probably my
favorite remake of all time
we're talking just movie, remakes
just in general, really
good remake, is it a faithful
remake? No, there's some differences
like uh, his
friend is the one that notices the vampires
at first and tells
in a really cool way, cause he's like Anton Yelchin
sitting there in uh
in class and the
teacher's calling roll call and there's
like two or three boys
that don't answer their name
and he kind of is like, huh, kind of catches
it and he looks over and he sees
um, McLovin, the kid that plays McLovin
is his friend in this one, a lot less
annoying than the uh, the dude
from the first one and they uh
he tells him like, haven't you noticed that
uh, like everyone's gone missing
like their third best friend when they were
growing up is missing
but Anton Yelchin's character Charlie
in this one, he's now popular, like he has
he's dating the Hot Chick, he's got cool
friends, he's got Dave Franco as a friend
so I mean, you know you're cool and Dave Franco
is a friend, and uh
yeah, they turn
uh, it's the same thing, shit, they turn
Jerry turns uh
McLovin into a vampire because
he realizes that McLovin's onto him
and another really cool scene
is they're in a
housing development uh, near
Vegas, that's like where they're at, so it's like this
just built community uh
and McLovin's running away from
Jerry and he smashes through a door
unlocks it, jumps inside
he goes, can't come in, I didn't
invite you, and Jerry looks
around, takes a deliberate
step in and he goes, doesn't work for abandoned
houses, and then he fucking
takes him, throws him in the pool
takes him in, then you see that same
heartbreaking moment where he knows
he's about to die, and he just goes, okay
and like he gets bit, and I'm like, oh it's
good, um, Jerry and this
one, Paul and Farrell, holy
shit, is he intimidating
he's so
intimidating, uh
he's not, he's unstoppable, he's like
a force to be reckoned with
there's a moment, I showed this to Mike earlier, I think
right, the, maybe I didn't
the one with the gas main, did I show both
of you? Yeah. Okay, did I show you? Yeah.
Okay, cause there's a scene
where, uh, Jerry, the vampire
they run inside, he finally
convinces his mom and his girlfriend
don't invite him in, please don't
you have to trust me, don't invite him in, she's struggling
with it and she goes, you know what, Jerry
you can call the police, I don't care
I'll play your game, yeah, whatever
and Jerry's like, okay, so
he gets a shovel and a circular saw
like a little saw, he goes to
their backyard, rips out
chunks of grass, finds their gas
main, rips it out just enough
so that it's causing a gas leak
inside their house, cuts the
thing open, lights it on fire
blows up their house from the inside
forcing them to get in their car, drive away
then he chases them down into his
truck, it is
just absolutely terrifying
um, the movie
is, I didn't get, uh, I know that
they, I know that they eventually
win or whatever
I wasn't able to finish it because I was trying to finish
this morning, but
the Peter, so Peter Vincent
in this movie is played by the
David Tennant
from Doctor Who, and he plays
a, instead of old
timey B movie
guy, like an Elvira type
he plays a
Criss Angel type, like
a mind freak
sort of thing, a Vegas magician
and so it's way, it's harder
like, it's harder for him to get a, you know, talk to him or whatever
uh, oh
the opening to this
the intro to this is a kid
unrelated to anything, he might even be the best
friend of, uh, the one
that gets killed now that I think about it
he's running away, he, like his whole family's
dead, he's in the house
he gets underneath the bed, right
he reaches, like he's underneath the bed, he's trying to hide
from the killer, his dad is
laying dead next to him, and I think his mom's
on the other side, they're both, they're bloody corpses on the ground
he reaches up, he grabs the revolver
he pulls the revolver from underneath
the mattress, where they keep it
he has the revolver, it has it, it needs to be unlocked
so he reaches into his dad's pocket
grabs the key, and as he's unlocking
it, like, you know, trying to jiggle
with it, from the side you just see the dad's
body, just getting slowly
dragged away
and when he, uh, drops
the, when he drops the lock
or whatever, like after he puts the lock
he actually drops it, you just see the vampire
you just see Jerry, like pick up the lock
and you know the kid's like, oh fuck, like
it's just so well done and
so creepy, um
and then Elton Yelchin is
one of my favorite actors, I'm so
sad that he passed away, he was such a
up and coming actor, I really like
him, uh
I won't go in full, full fledge, but
as far as remakes go, I think
Colin Farrell is way
he's my favorite
Jerry by far, I think
Anton Yelchin is my favorite Charlie
I think the soundtrack
in the first one is better with the synth
I think that the
Marcy was a better Marcy
But you like McLovin better in this one
I like McLovin better in this one, and I want to see this movie with McLovin
playing McLovin, cause I think
that would be great, uh, this is gonna show the
age of this episode, what's that
uh, but months ago, today
Trump got shot
somebody shot Trump today, just now
Whoa, are you fucking serious?
He got fucking shot
He's alive, you made that up
No shit, that's on your phone right now
Trump survives a parent
assassination attempt at Pennsylvania rally
Trump injured at shooting
His ears bloody
I only
I only found that out because
Anthony just posted in the Mojave comedy group chat
Mark Norman
A quote by Stormy Daniels, now we've both
been shot in the face
That's fucked up
FRP exclusive
from several months ago
We were right here
Holy shit
20 minutes ago, it just happened
20 minutes and 4 months ago
Oh shit, they got him dude
That's a little bit all of it
That's just a couple of little tells
If you want to see them
You can check them out
Oh
He got shot in the fucking ear
Sounds like a pellet gun
Doesn't sound like a
Oh, that last
Secret Service guy was late to the game
Wild
Holy shit
Do you know how much fucking
You know he's going to fucking win now, right?
Damn dude
Look out, within seconds
Fucking 3 SWAT guys
Holy shit
Well, holy shit everybody
This has been the vampire
episode of
Fried Rice Podcast
With me as always
And now Trump's a vampire
It's been Austin
Rose from the coffin 3 hours ago
To be here, Pharaoh
Thank you, Trump got shot you guys
I'm calling it out, Trump's winning dude
We'll find out next month
With us as always
It's
Michael, why couldn't it be
Him getting shot instead, am I right?
Am I taking this too far with
Because I'm Jellios Motherhunter
And I've been your host
Ho ho host
I've been your host, Andy Rice
And this has been Fried Rice Podcast
Holy shit, Trump got shot
This happened live on Fried Rice Podcast
Holy fuck
Well everybody
Hope you're having a good day
Except for Donald
Hope he has a swift recovery
Alright everybody
Good night
We lost half our audience
We lost 4 people
I don't want anybody getting killed
For any reason
We should kill all pedophiles
Oh wait, was that another episode
Fuck, we need to stop filming these on the same day
Whatever everybody, kill pedophiles
But whatever
Good night
Oh wait, was that another episode
Fuck, we need to stop filming these on the same day
Whatever
Good night
We lost half our audience
We lost 4 people
I don't want anybody getting killed
For any reason
We should kill all pedophiles
Oh wait, was that another episode
Fuck, we need to stop filming these on the same day
Whatever
Good night
We lost half our audience
Thanks for watching!