I've been işirin and you've caught me
You tightle me up, you mushroom yoke
You ready to go
all the balls be all紀 escuch reguly
forcing me to move
except for a steal
But I've been storyin'
every time you've been
Warning! The following content is going to be graphic as fuck, especially from my choice.
Just know that if you have a queasy stomach and you don't want to hear about gross shit, this is not the episode for you.
And welcome to another intestines ripped out of their open fucking gaping hole of a stomach
and then when the hole is undone you shove your fist up and then you just finger the heart just a little bit
and then you pull your thing out and you lick the blood off of your fucking fingers
and then you go into a room and then you just beat the shit out of that puppet that's in there that's always looking at you
and you rip out his fluffing one little piece at a time and then you jerk off all over the goddamn place
Torture Porn episode of 17 nights of Halloween with Fried Rice Podcast
I am your host, the fucking master of your fucking doom and pain, you little fucking bitch Andy Rice
and with me as always is Austin, he's my little bitch and I'll do whatever I fucking want him
I'll take three hours to just put his dick on a string and pull it up like a little marionette fair
Check me out at Trinky Dinks
With me as always is Michael, if I could have my way with his body I would do despicable things
I would just find diseases that people haven't seen for hundreds of years and I would attach them to your fucking face
just to see your eyeballs melt you old bitch, Larson
I feel like you've just described your weekend to us
And this of course is the Torture Porn episode of Halloween 17 nights, whatever the fuck, who cares
and welcome, there's a reason I'm so angry and I will get to it
I think you should go last
I'm definitely going to go last
So anyway, welcome to our Halloween, I did do a disclaimer at the top
So if they, that's on them
But honestly what I just did right now, everything I just said, a mild G rating compared to what I fucking watched this weekend
So this is
Did you just watch a fucking cartel video compilation or something?
Just wait, I will get there
This is of course the Torture Porn episode of Fried Rice Podcast Halloween
And we're going to start with, who's got the lightest, the light hardest
You know what, let's start with you Mike
Let's start with you Mike, because you told me about yours, it sounds pretty cool
In this special by the way, unlike a typical Fried Rice Podcast where we watch all the same movie
and we watch specifically off of 2B, this is a free for all where we can pick anything
And this is the first time ever that that rule has bit me in the ass
I wish that we had to go just off of 2B, it would have made my life easier
So alright Mike, what did you watch?
I watched a movie called The Collector
Well what happened to me is I tried to watch a movie called The Collector
But I ended up having to watch two movies because I guess Andy's having an influence on me
I don't know, but I got to the end and I saw it doesn't really happen
So I had to go figure out why and it has a sequel
The Collector 2?
No, it's called The Collection
Which I love
Yeah, instead of just naming it
Are you listening now you see me and now you see me too?
If you have something that has something that could be made better, do that
Should have been now you don't, and I will die on that fucking hill you pieces of shit, continue
So The Collector is 2009
A funny choice, it's a gentleman who's like a day laborer, who's trying to get money for his wife
Kind of an ex-wife situation with a kid who owes somebody money and he's got to get her money
So he comes up with this plan, he's working for this guy named Chase
And he comes up with this plan to rob his house
He's going to rob his house
But then he gets there and he finds out the family's in prison
And the house is filled with traps
So it's like, kind of like Saul in that way
It's all these traps this guy sets up in his house for his family
And the family, are they winnable traps like Saul?
No, they're not winnable traps
Well, I mean they end up being winnable, obviously the movie would end really quickly
Because Arkhan defeats a lot of them
But the family does not defeat traps
Okay
We're talking bear traps on the ground
We're talking wires that pull you through the whole house
And pull all your skin off
It's brutal
I don't know if I'd say it's a...
I appreciate a Rube Goldberg machine
There's a lot of Rube Goldberg type stuff in it, the traps
But it's like they went to Home Depot and got all this stuff
I mean at one point in...
I don't remember which movie they all run together now
Either The Collector or The Collection
There's actually like a thrashing machine from a farm that they go through
And take out a whole 75 people
It's insane, that's in the second movie I think
Okay, so the first one is a family in a house trapped with traps by a person who's trying to kill them all
And the second one is on a grander scale is what it sounds like
Is it like a mall or something locked down?
It's like a nightclub
So he locks down a nightclub and he puts traps in that
And at one point a thresher comes through and just mows down like the dance floor full of people or whatever
And he has a ceiling that comes down and crushes them all
A lot of money spent on traps from this guy, I don't know where all this money...
It's that same... but you know what, it's that same...
He's from the same bloodline as the Goonie Pirates
That's exactly what I was just thinking
Kind of, kind of
It's like a horror show crossed with a home improvement show
It's all these traps that you can just go by and make yourself or get a thresher or get...
More power!
Yeah, more power, exactly
It's the guy behind the... it's the guy on the other side of the fence from Home Improvement
It's his house
It's gruesome but it's kind of stupid in that way
Winston
Yeah
It's Winston
Winston?
We'll wait
I don't remember the top of his head
No, what's his name?
Home Improvement
Wilfred? Winston?
Home Improvement?
Wilson!
The name is Wilson
No, no, no, it's Wilson, you don't have to look it up
It's 100% Wilson
No, that's right
Wilson, you know, just real quick
You know at the end of the series finale
When everyone came out to do their final bow or whatever
He came out with a little pitchfork
Or a little pitch... a little fence
A little pitchfence thing but it was like a tiny one that he held that covered his face
I mean, that was great
Okay
So, anyway, basically it's the Saw formula
It goes through... this Arkin, who's our hero
By the way, it's a pest control company
A lot of bugs in this for no real reason
They keep showing, they'll cut to a bug
And it's like, I don't know why
There's no reason other than at the beginning he's working for this guy
Owns a pest control company, the Chase family
And he's working for him like a day laborer
He goes to rob him
But for some reason then bugs are kind of a recurring theme
But they never really come up
It's not... not used in bugs to kill anybody
But bugs are gross
And I imagine throw some bugs in
Throw some bugs in for grossness
And of course they named this guy, the hero's name is Arkin
Because you know, you've got a Orkin and Arkin
That's the same as in Smallville
The bug guy's name was Arkin as well
Yeah, if you're listening to the rehash series that we have for Smallville
There was another guy named Arkin
Who was a bug obsessed character
So this is a trope
If you have a bug obsessed character, name him Arkin
It was originally going to be a Saucy, a prequel to Saw
Wait, prequel?
So we're talking like...
The writers intended the movie to be a Saw prequel
But the idea was to climb
So what would that be like? Jigsaw before...
Yeah, exactly
But they changed the character to not be Jigsaw when they did that actual movie
But that's how it was written, like with Jigsaw, started out
And then they changed it around to be this collector-like
See, I'm glad that you picked a Saw-esque movie
Because I think that fills the spirit of the torture porn category the best
I feel like you nailed it
Because you picked something that they were writing specifically to be a Saw prequel
And Saw, I think, is like the definition of torture porn
As far as if we're going mainstream
I know that people online, especially Reddit, would like to think that Tokyo Gore Police is the way to go
If you want to be the standout
But I think Hostel and Saw, so I think you picked the most on-brand
Yeah, except at the end of this, the bad guy won
Fuck yeah, dude
That's how it should be in every fucking movie
And you're like, what the fuck? What happened? He got away
There's like seven Saw movies, so the bad guy wins in all those two
The bad guy keeps winning in Saw
That's what I said, the bad guy won and they just left it open
He just won at the end
Arkin didn't die, but he's bloody and in there
Kind of like a... I'm trying to think of another example
But he almost died, you know? He's almost dead
And you just see the collector just getting away
Because the cops show up and the collector just gets away
You know what this kind of reminds me of a little bit
Is the new movies, the escape room movies that they did
Which I absolutely love
And now that I'm thinking about it, I should have 100% picked for this
Because it's torture porn and movies I fucking love
And would love to talk about
So you're just making me regret my choice even more
And for you Austin, there's lots of boobs in this
Oh, I'm the ass guy, you're the boobs guy, Mike
But you know Madeline Zima?
No
That's the... It's her first one
She was great on The Nanny
She was what?
She was great on The Nanny, the TV show The Nanny
And then she was on California Cation
She was the daughter on California Cation
How old is this movie?
This movie is from...
2009 you said?
2009, yeah
And she was on The Nanny from like the 80s?
Well that would have been years ago, she would have been a child actor
Oh, okay, well, okay, got it
This is her first adult role, right?
She's like 19
No, no, she was in The Nanny at all, she's in her 30s
She plays the daughter
The Nanny came out before I was born, I think
The Nanny's mid 80s, late 80s show
So what I'm saying is 2009...
Maybe she would have been...
Maybe around 25 or something, yeah
Like 20 something, alright
Anyway, so part one, The Collector, 3 out of 5 stars, pretty good
Mostly for the inventive craft, but the rest of the movie is about as sharp as it gets
There's no real plot other than, you know, it's a song
But then the second one is...
I don't even know how to...
It's...
It's just bad
It's not...
The second one is like, well, we had this movie, it's kind of successful
Let's see if we can make a sequel
And that...
You know, they just took all the stupid shit in the first movie and cranked it up to 11
I got to say, that's where the thrasher comes in
It's like they said, okay, well, we're going to do more blood and guts, but less story
Yeah, I could see the lean into more blood and guts
They leaned into more blood and guts, way less story
More ridiculousness
A lot of the escapes were more ridiculous when Arthur would escape from the guy
As he's going to try and save all these people for some reason
This idiot guy is now thrust into this, where he's got to be the hero
Okay, so I didn't know he was in the...
He's also in the sequel, yeah, yeah, it follows through
And it's the same Collector guy
Yeah, it's just a bigger place, more traps
Does the Collector get his comeuppance in the sequel, though?
In the sequel, he does
Okay
Without ruining it, I mean, I don't want to know exactly how, but...
Okay
It's loud, the movie's loud
It's just...
I wouldn't say it's thrilling, it's more just inventive, if that makes sense
You're never scared watching this movie
You're always like, what the fuck are they going to do next?
Yeah, I'm never scared watching a Saw movie
It's not a scary movie, it's gross, and it's inventive
That's how it's described
What'd you rate the second one? You gave the first one 3
1
You got 1 out of 5
1 out of 5
1 out of 5 what, though?
Because you go stars too often, you got to give us the unique...
1 out of 5 collectibles
1 out of 5 warehouses full of crap
Okay
And the first one I did...
I said 3
3 out of 5 hardware horror
Hardware what?
Hardware horrors
That's a fucking tongue twister
A little bit
Hardware horror
So they're worth watching, it was a fun 4 hours to sit and watch
I think I'm going to watch the first one for sure
Yeah, the first one
It's worth watching the second one just to see the inventiveness and the mass-scale killing
It's actually so massed that it's funny
Because there's a...
Some little desensitizer there
When the ceiling goes down and smushes the people and it just literally shows its...
It's like it's intentionally...
I don't want to say fake looking, it's not fake looking, but it's so over the top
That it makes you laugh rather than be scared
Sure
I get that, like
Final Destination is a series again that, again I love
Telephone pole through the head
Is sort of torture porn
Yeah
And I should have picked instead of the one I fucking picked
So many good movies that I should have picked instead of what I picked
Okay, yeah, so awesome, thank you Mike
That was, I think you, the spirit of...
You understood the assignment is what the kids would say
Austin
Alright, so I had trouble finding the one I wanted to watch
I wanted to pick something unique
I didn't want to just go Saw or Hostel, you know
And so I asked my friend who's like a big horror slut
My friend Maria
And she said...
Shout out to horror slut Maria
I think she would appreciate that
She would be like, I am a slut for horror
I love it
But she suggested the movie X
Oh, that...
But I did not have the streaming service that it was streaming on
So did you watch the weird spin-off?
No, I didn't watch any X, so I just settled on the movie Jigsaw
Even though I have not seen the other Saw, any of the Saw movies
Your first Saw...
I almost picked it
I think maybe I watched like half of the first one
That's on Netflix
But did Jigsaw come out before or after Spyro?
Thank you, Tom
I can look
Okay, because I saw, either the last Saw movie I saw was I think with Spyro
The one with Chris Rock
Well, this franchise ran out of steam on this one
You say having not seen any of the earlier ones
It could have run out of steam four movies earlier
I know when they stop numbering them, that's when it gets bad
They're like, all right, we can't just do Saw 8
So this is Jigsaw
So I guess Jigsaw is dead according to some of the other movies
I pieced that together
Jigsaw is dead
And everyone knows, you know, John Kramer was Jigsaw
But now there's this guy who's running from the cops
And they like have him pinned on a rooftop
And he grabs this like weird like trigger thing
And he's like, you don't get it
It's part of his game
Like what game?
And he pulls the trigger
Then they shoot him
He gets put into a coma
And then this cool cop in a Mustang shows up
And he's like, do you think it's Jigsaw or copycat?
And they're like, they don't fucking know
There's two medical examiners that are like studying the bodies
That just keep popping up
Trying to figure out what the fuck's going on
And then we get the first, you know, group of people for the game
And they wake up with buckets on their head, chains attached to it
And at the end of the wall, there's a bunch of buzz saws
And he tells them like, you need to give up, you know, some blood in order to move on
Any blood will do
So basically they had to cut themselves on the buzz saw
And like out of the five people, there's one guy who's just not awake
And he just gets dragged
And then they move into the next one
And it's like you all did
Also weird how Jigsaw just knows these super intimate details about all these people's life
Like he's God or something
Well I know that in the previous Saw movies that's a big deal
The previous Saw movies, it was he only got Jigsaw because he did his research on him
It's like you weren't really
Well here's the thing, one person
Okay, so
That's what I'm just saying, he would take you
Austin, we know that you drive around purposely slow in front of fast drivers
And that's fucked up and nobody likes it
You're a real dickhead and now we're going to make you pay
That's different
Because I announced that I did that on a podcast several times
And on stage several times throughout the state
Yeah, but then they would do their research
This one person, she was a purse snatcher
She snatched a lady's purse, the lady chased after her
Her medicine was in that purse
She dies, she falls down and dies because she needed her inhaler or whatever
And the chick just ran off
How the fuck does Jigsaw know that that was you and that you did that?
How does he know?
That would be in the news
And there's another lady, her dark thing is that
She had a baby with her husband and the baby kept crying
And she smothered the baby
And she didn't want to go to jail for it and her husband was sleeping
So she put it next to her husband and had him roll on and blamed it on him
And he killed himself in prison
That's a bit worse than running a purse steal
Yeah, he's a piece of shit
This other guy, he sold a guy a motorcycle
Knowing that the brake lines were fucked up and he died
And apparently that was Jigsaw's nephew
And then there's another guy who was partying in the car with his friends
And he was drunk and they told him to sit down
He's like, no, fuck you
And then he falls out of the car and they crash and they die
And he blames it on them
Drunk driving
Bearing degrees of...
Yeah, the lady is the fucking worst
So he's putting them through all these games
And the cops on the outside are trying to figure out who it is
There's this one chick in the medical room who's studying the bodies that are popping up
Because every time someone dies in the game, their body ends up in public somewhere
So everyone's all scared
And they have the cops dig up John Kramer's grave
To show everyone, look, he's fucking dead
And they dig up his grave, they open it
It's the guy that was put into the coma
So someone went and took him out of the hospital
Put him in the grave and he's dead
Is this a prequel though?
No, no, no, no, no
We're getting there, hold on
We're getting there, we're getting there
One of the medical guys, he was originally one of Jigsaw's victims
But he survived and now he works in the medical lab
And there's this redhead chick, smoking hot redhead chick
But she's like a little too into Jigsaw
And she invites him to this warehouse where she has a bunch of these Jigsaw traps that she ordered
Online from like JigsawRules.com
It's a website
And so he's like suspicious of her
And she's like, oh no, I'm just a fan, I think this stuff's cool
And so the second game, after the buzzsaw thing
The new one is the chick, the purse snatcher chick
He tells the one, oh I know he stole the purse and that chick died
There's three syringes
And she's like, what do you think her life was worth?
And there's like numbers on them
And one of them's 3.53 and she's like $3.53, that's how much money I got out of her purse
And so like, one of them, two of them are filled with acid
And one of them is a cure for a poison in her
And she doesn't want to do it
And so this other guy just grabs him and fucking stabs her with all three of them
And she dies like horribly and like bleeding out of every orifice
Why does she grab all three and do it?
Well because they, so the things that were pulling them, they're wrapped around their necks
And they're going into the ceiling
So they're all going to hang unless she picks a syringe to inject herself with
And so this one, she doesn't want to do it
And this one guy grabs all three of them and is like, you need to fucking do it
And they're all hanging, like choking, and he's all swinging at her
And he just stabs all three of them
And then they're all safe
They go into another room and they see a door that says no exit
And the guy, the drunk driver guy, he's like, you know what, fuck this
And he tries to grab an axe, tries to break through the doors
And he slips through the floor
And there's some weird wire pulley system that wraps around his legs like three times
And it just keeps getting tighter
And the other two people
Does it pop his legs?
No, it's so tight on his legs that it's like bleeding though
And he's like, yeah, don't try to fuck with my game basically
And they go into, the other two people go into another room
The door locks on them
It's spilling grain into them from the top of the silo
And he has to pull the lever to sever his legs or they're gonna die
And so eventually he does it, gets his leg cut off
And they heal him up
And then it's the motorcycle guy, the guy who sold the motorcycle that killed the kid
The guy has the motorcycle and it's spinning around this turbine of blades
And he has to, there's like a wire trap that hangs him upside down
And he has to grab the brake line to turn off the machine
And then he fucks up and dies
And then his body shows up
Let's see how they...
So during this point you're trying to figure out who the fuck Jigsaw is
I thought he was dead
And some people think it's the medical chick
Some people think it's the police chief
And then we find out that the main game playing chick
All that's left is the main chick and the guy with one leg
So they are now in this room tied up
And Jigsaw walks in
What's Jigsaw?
Jigsaw, Jigsaw, Jigsaw
The old man Jigsaw?
Yes, old man Jigsaw walks in and he loads a shotgun
And he says the key to your freedom is in this
And he holds up a shotgun shell and he puts it in there
And he leaves and then the game starts
And the lady figures out, it's like oh the key is in the...
I have to kill you
So she grabs the shotgun to the guy with one leg
He's like no wait stop
She fires, it fires backwards into her face
And kills her
And he, the guy with one leg is looking
And he sees that there's two shells in there
And one had a green key and one had a yellow key inside the shell
So that's what he's like, key to your freedom is in this
I figured the moment he said that I would have looked inside the shotgun shell
And the shell that she fired broke the key to his chain in half
So, and then, okay so here's the crazy thing
While this is happening, the redhead, the medical guy
The two medical people, they figured out where it's happening at
And they go in and the police chief follows them
And then they think it's the police chief
The redhead just kind of fucks off, I don't know where she went
The medical dude gets knocked out
The chief goes into a room, he gets knocked out
And then they both wake up in the room, so it's the mate
The previous jigsaw victim from another time
And this police chief, and they're locked up
And you know how they have those laser cutters for like surgery?
They have a chain of those wrapped around their neck
Both of them on the other side of the room
And they're standing in front of this thing with two buttons
And they're saying like you have to admit like your great truth or whatever
And they're like talking
And then one guy reaches over and presses, the police chief reaches over
And presses the guy's button
And then they both fly back and the lasers turn on
And they're like facing outwards and then they start getting closer to your head
Eventually they're going to slice you down like this? Yeah
That's terrifying
And so he's the guy who fucked up jigsaw's x-rays
So they wouldn't have found his cancer sooner and been able to treat it
So that's what his great thing, he's like I admit it
I come down anyways and blood comes out of his neck and he falls down
So now it's just the police chief
And it goes to him and he's like alright I took bribes
People died because of me, blah blah blah blah blah
And he says all that shit
The guy who fucked up the x-rays starts getting up
It was fake blood
This young guy, oh those are just laser pointers
They were just laser pointers, he gets up and he's like yeah now I got you admitting to everything
And he's like what about the games?
He walks up to him, he lets himself free, goes up to the police chief
And lifts up a blanket next to him
And it's the lady and the guy with one leg
And they have been rotting there for ten years
The entire game that took place was the first saw game that ever took place
Before the first saw, they've all been rotting for ten years
Jigsaw took the guy that fucked up his x-rays
And realized it was an honest mistake
So he becomes a secret Jigsaw protege
Another, another, this isn't the first time
This is another Jigsaw protege
All this took place ten years ago, they just took other bodies
And fucked him up the same way and threw him out into the world
So it's like X that works, yeah, the timeline on Saw is kind of strange
It's such a big twist at the end
And he's like yeah, now that I have you recorded all that stuff
I can blame all this on you and keep doing this
And so then he turns the laser on and slices him open like a fucking blooming onion
On his head
So the lasers worked then?
His lasers worked
So yeah, this was ten years after Jigsaw died
And he just pre-recorded every, or he just started throwing the bodies out from the game
And it's so fucking weird
It's like this all happened ten years ago and got everyone
It's
The fact that I had to go on YouTube immediately after watching this movie
Is a testament to this is not a good movie
They could have explained it a little
You're just like wait, wait, wait, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck at the end
You had to go on YouTube just to see what the fuck was going on
So you're like all this happened ten years ago, this is like
And so it suggests that there were other games that Jigsaw was doing even before the first movie
This one was before the first movie, but it suggests that there was even other ones
Okay
So
If you look it up for product logic it says Jigsaw first, then one, then X, then two
Okay, so Jigsaw one, X two, and then going forward
Was Spyro before or after?
Spyro is the next to the last one
Well what's the last one?
Spyro, okay, Spyro's 2021
Okay, it goes Saw the final chapter
Which is, and then it goes, which is 2010
Then it says to watch after that Spyro from the book of Saw
And then that's it
Yeah, I couldn't, no, no, but
Final logic
Years wise did Jigsaw come out after Spyro?
That's what I'm trying to figure out
Years wise, Jigsaw was before Spyro
Okay, 21?
2017 I think it was
It came out, yeah, 2017
That's what I wanted to know
Spyro was, X is 2023, but it goes in
So the last
Saw X is the most recent one
So technically Saw the final chapter is literally is the last
Okay
It's because the others go before
So it has an end
What do you rate this then?
So twisty, I gave it a D or a 2 severed dicks
2 severed dicks
Okay
Speaking of severed dicks
Well, kind of
Your turn, Amy
Yeah, alright, so listen
I went on IMDB
And I looked up torture port
And the list gave me a lot of great options
And then there was one that I had heard of before
And I knew the controversy that surrounded it
It was like, you know what?
If I'm going to go hard, go hard
Sometimes you go too hard, you hurt yourself
And this is one of those situations
I watched the Faces of Death 1974
Okay, wasn't most of that fake?
Most, all of it is real
All of it, if most of it
I would say like 80%
There are a couple on here
There's some that is fake on there
No, I'll tell you, I'll get into it
So, no, no, no
The 1978 uncut Faces of Death is
I would say 80% real
Maybe even 90% real
There's maybe like two that felt a little bit fake-ish
But then you go Faces of Death 2
It's like a 50-50 split real and fake
Maybe even 60% fake
Faces of Death 3 onwards
All of it's fake
So, the first one
People have made sequels on it
And now there's a Faces of Death franchise, I guess
But like the very first one
It, if they
It'd be like one of those things
If they faked what I watched in this movie
It's the greatest
It's the greatest movie of all time
Because they did the most realistic effects
And everything that's ever been seen on camera ever
Like, it would be
You've never seen
You've never seen a movie
With that realistic graphics ever in your life
If this was real
Or if this was fake
If this was actors
If this were somehow in 1978
Animatronic or CGI animals
That they murder right in front of you
I mean, like, you know what I mean?
Okay, so, anyway
That's a lot of notes
Yeah, I know
But I'll go quick
Mike, what are you looking at?
Oh, yeah, I looked it up
Most of it's real
But, okay, so
IMDB ranks this, I think
Number, I think, like
13 or whatever
But right after it is Justin Bieber's Never Say
Never Say Never
Mike, what are you looking at?
It distracts me when I see people
Okay, well, it's important to know
According to Wikipedia
Which, who knows how much of that's right
Sure
Bob's been in there
The movie Faces of Death is a blend of fact and fiction
With some real footage and some recreated scenes
But it kind of says the opposite
As the Faces of Death series progressed
The content became more upbeat
With less reliance on the real thing
Well, that's the opposite of what I wrote
So, it's fine
Like I said
Bob, stop fucking with Wikipedia
Like I said, there's absolutely no way this is fake
Like, some of the things I watched
Like, you see
Look, I'll show you
I mean, you want to see?
No, thanks
Okay
We're okay
We have to make people laugh tonight
Yeah, yeah
So, Faces of Death
I wrote a note
I said, note before starting
I am going to take this
And I knew this going into it
So, it opens with open heart surgery
With an actual surgery taking place
With doctors in the room
Now, this one could be the only one
That I would say might be fake
But at the same time
I think it's just a real open heart surgery
That fails
And you see the heart stop beating
And you see the machine red line
So, you see an actual heart stop beating
I'm like, okay
I'm already over this
It's like what I wrote initially
You get the opening credits
Which is a bunch of corpses
And I put
Now, that's how I like my credits
You know, if you're going to have a movie called Faces of Death
If it's not an opening credits
It's not just corpses
Yeah
Like mummified corpses
And just, you know, dead bodies and shit
Like, just, you know
Crime scene footage
That kind of shit
That's the opening credits
Then I put
This is the worst thing I've ever seen
And this is just the opening credits
Wait, there's a story to this thing?
So then a guy comes out of the operating room
And he's an actor
And you know this
Hello
He comes out, he's like, hi
I'm an enthusiast of death
I just killed that guy in that heart surgery
Yeah
Actually, he might not have even been a surgeon
He might have just been in the room
When the surgery was taking place
Because he wanted to be close to me
But he's just like
I'm an enthusiast of death
He's taking off his gloves
He's like, follow me
As I tell you about
I'm Sheriff John Bonnell
I don't understand the reference
But I'm sure that's funny to some people
Wildest police chase
Wildest police videos
Or whatever
Oh, oh, yeah
A little bit
It kind of feels that way
But
And he goes like
He goes like
Yeah, so
When I had this
Like, he had
I don't know
He had a dream
There's like a dream sequence
But anyway
He's talking about how death means to him
Doesn't even matter
That's the smallest part
So
Let me get some distractor
So we got
Then it cuts to mummies in Mexico
Just like mummified bodies
And I was like
That's not too bad
Like I can
Then I'm like
No, holy fuck
No, no, no, no, no
It shows in a full dog fight
It shows two pit bulls fighting each other
And one of them rips out the other one's throat
And fucking kills it
So just
You see a dog fight
You ever want to see a dog fight?
People look up facing the dead in 1978
You sick fucks
I know that I watched a dog fight
But that was for this
And I didn't want to
And I hated every fucking second of it
I put gross
So yeah
So after that scene
And you were done jacking off
What happened next?
I don't remember
I get that post cum haze
I saw a spider eating a bird
And I was like
Okay, and then it was more animals killing animals
And I was like
At least nature
I can
This is okay
I don't necessarily like it
I don't like seeing these animals
Just eating guts and shit
But whatever
That's okay
People blow a dart at a monkey in a tree
And they hit it twice
And it falls out of the tree
Lands on the ground
They take the monkey's corpse
And burn it over fire
And I'm like
I don't like this one bit
Save wasteful
No, they eat it
They eat it eventually
But they're burning it
To like cook it
But like
Well, that's just normal
Like on a spit
Or they just throw it on top of a campfire
Like it almost looked like
Well, you show
It shows like the one lady
Holding up the burnt
The burnt corpse
The one that they're going to eat
Of the monkey
That they blew dart
They blow darted earlier
Now
It's
On one hand it's cool
Blow darting a monkey out of a tree
If you need to eat
Like I'm actually not even that
That bad
But I was like
Still
It's sad
Then it shows a human head
On a spike
Like because that's how they
Celebrate their dead
In this tribal village
So you see an actual human thing
Then you see a very close range
Ox bow kill
With a bow and arrow
I'm so sad about that one
But there's like a domesticated ox
And they're like
All right
Hold it
And then he just pulls up
And he shoots it right in the fucking
Things like throat
And it just starts bleeding out
As they fucking hold it
While it dies
It's fucking gross
But that leads into the delightful montage
Of maybe I don't eat meat again after this
Shows a butcher house in the 70s
Before we had better ways of killing cows
I hope
And one cow shoves his head
Through a metal window
And it kind of locks him in place
Someone takes a machete
Just slices his throat open
All the blood and shit
Just pours out of it
And just gooey
And you just see the cow fucking
Banging his head against the thing
How they would fake that
Hollywood I have no idea
That's a real fucking cow
That's probably real slaughterhouse scene
They now at least they use bolts now
Yeah
Well okay
So actually
So I don't believe
It was either before or after this
But I watched a movie that stars
Helen Hunt I believe
Wait no not Helen Hunt
Who's Hillary Swank?
Hillary Swank plays the real life
Autistic woman who
Noticed how poorly animals were being
Treated on their way to being slaughtered
Like it was just a miserable process
For the animals from start to end
And she came up with a way to make it
So that the
She came up with the method of
Now the cows walk in like a line
They go like through some
Like it's a lot less stressful to them
It's just like walking
And then eventually they go into a thing
And they get you know bolted in the head
Or whatever and they're dead
But like it's less stressful for the cows
And she came up with that thing
What's the bolts?
What does the bolts do?
They have a bolt gun
They shoot them in the head
To kill them quickly now
Like in ten years to flesh
You have the guy with the hand
The glove
You bonk him on the head
Now that was
I think you bolt them to death
I don't think you're unconsciousing them
To then kill while they're unconscious
Like in ten years to flesh
It goes right in their brain
So by the way people listening at home
Go listen to the book review of
Tender to Flesh
Where I'm going to talk about the fact that
While Austin and I are watching
Six Feet Under as a rewatch
And then Andy picks faces of death
As his torture porn movie
And at the same time reads
Tender to Flesh as his book of the week
Andy has no feelings left
Kill me now
I don't care
Am I already dead?
Am I going to start going fucking corpses now?
Am I going to eat people?
Who knows?
I'm dead now inside and out
Nothing exists anymore
I'm desensitized
I don't care
If right now
Mike pulled out a gun like your uncle
And shot you in the head
Like put it to your head
And blew your brains out
I would probably have
Like in this movie
An orgy in the blood
Because I haven't gotten there yet
But hold on
So then we get
We get old McDonald had a farm
Playing in the background
As a lady chops a head off a chicken
Uncensored
And we see the body running around
Without a head
So that's a totally true fact
That actually exists
So
Oh yeah
Holy fuck
The cow head in the window
It chokes on its own blood
I'm going to become a vegetarian
This is not the thing to watch
While reading Tender to Flesh
Restaurants
No, no, no, no, no
Oh that's right
The monkey
So cuts to fancy restaurant
White people sitting in a
This is the one all the kids in the school yard
Talked about
So guy there's a there's a group
There's a fancy restaurant
If you want to call it that
And there's some people sitting around
Like a couple of dudes
Couple of women
And a waiter brings out a live
Like little monkey
Like a little capuchin monkey
Or whatever
And he puts it in the middle of their
Table
Brazilian barbecue style
Or a Korean barbecue style
Where it's you know like
We cook our own food
And hands them each a fucking mallet
And then they
They beat the shit out of this monkey
He said crack it open
That waiter then comes up
And picks the little pieces of skull fragments
Away so they can have a better
A better picking of the brain
They take these little forks out
One guy eats it and he goes
That's actually
Actually pretty good
Another guy eats it and goes like
I don't like it
One chick kind of eats it
And then like almost throws up
And then another chick I think eats it
But then the guy the first guy
Goes back for seconds and thirds
But hell yeah
He's like this is some salsa
Yeah
It looked enough like salsa
It was red
It was gross
Even the diners couldn't stomach it
Monkey brains
One dude was loving it
That's what I wrote
Dudes with guns just shooting sharks
Just cuts to ocean
Guys with fucking fully automatic guns
Shooting sharks in the ocean
Just
Just having fun
They don't eat the sharks
Whatever
They just for fun murdering sharks
Oh god you ever heard about clubbing seals
Well it's not just a fun way for
Seals to get down at a nightclub
It's men with sticks
Beating the shit out of seals
You see it
It's there
They're filming a bunch of seals
These guys
They take these sticks
They beat the shit out of them
And then you see
What I can only imagine
Is the stuff of seal nightmares
A post-apocalyptic seal future
Where it's just ice with hundreds
If not thousands of dead seals
That they don't
Like skinned
Because they skin the seals
So skinless just skinned corpses of seals
Lining the ice flat
That is absolutely for sure
That is not
When I was a kid they were trying to stop that
I think they have now
But it was a thing where thousands of people would
It was like
Where the fuck were you whale wars
Seal wars
Yeah
Then I went to
This one might be
Might be big
This is the only one
The only other one that I was like
This one feels fake
Is alligator hunters
They have an alligator segment
Where they're talking about
Alligators killing
I think they show a little bit of that
But then there's a big alligator
And two guys show up
And the person
Sort of feels fake
It feels like the guy gets sucked underwater
By the alligator
And the other kind of cop
Like fucks off
And I'm like
It didn't feel real
So like
Maybe I'll show you guys that scene
You can tell me how you feel about that
Because that one's not too gory
That's just more like
Is it real or not
But
I could see
From the perspective of the filmmakers
Of Faces of Death
I can maybe see them being tricked by it
And being like
Oh this is real alligator shit
Let's throw it in our movie
You know what I mean
So then we see an actual assassination
On stage
A guy gets shot in the chest
And die
Then we see a guy pretend
He says that he's the guy
The assassin
And he's fully
Like he's got a baklava
Or like that thing on
That the kids wear now
Like that
You know that hood
That covers like the face
And the
You know just shows your eyes
Not a ski mask
But you know
A pussy riot mask kind of thing
Like those
He's wearing one of those
And he's showing off all of his guns
And he's like
I kill when they
You know I get paid to kill
Right
That's what I do
So
I mean that could be real
That could
I mean who knows
It's the 70s
I don't know
Then they show
A gun shootout
Was
Oh god yeah
They show a
I like how you're describing
All these
Like you're doing a really
Great job
Can you watch the rest of the
Faces of death
And just do
Do like a
Like a
Just a nice
Review of each one
Maybe
No
Because here's the problem
Is that I thought
I had already seen
Faces of death
When I was a kid
And I was like
I could rewatch it
Because if I've already seen it
Once it won't be a big deal
I've already seen
Faces of death
2 or 3
Because the one I watched
Did not have
The stuff that was in this
So the one I watched
Had a guy in India
On top of a train
Reach up and grab
One of the electric wires
And fucking
Poof into flame
And die instantly
That has stuck in my fucking brain
For all of my life
And that wasn't in this
I had a morbid curiosity
When early YouTube
Was the thing
You could just watch that shit
You could like watch
9-11 jumper videos and shit
Oh yeah
Jesus Christ you're right
Oh wait
No it definitely has that
In this
Not 9-11
But it has people jumping out
Of a burning building
That was pre
That was back in the 70s
I think it was just
If you're in a tall building
And it's on fire
You'd rather jump
Than burn to death
So I think like
That's just one of those things
That's been around forever
It actually shows that in this
You see
So you see a gun
You see a guy who is like
Having like a shootout
An active shootout
With the police
He's in his window
Like it's fucking
A badass 70s police shootout
And I was like
Yeah
So the gun shootout was cool
Until when he gets fucking
Blown away
And they cut into the
Cut into the house
And you see all of his fucking
Family dead on the floor
Because he murdered them all
He murdered his family
Then had a gun shootout
Like had a shootout with the police
So like the shootout itself
Cool looking
Seeing actual 70s cops
Crawling on the floor
To get a better vantage point
They didn't need to
Because he literally
Runs out the door
And starts to
Pull his gun up
And they fucking light him up
Then they show autopsy stuff
While playing nice
Classical music
I actually liked the music
They were playing
This is the right show
While watching Six Feet Under
So real quick
I feel sick
Old West deaths
Not too bad
Just kind of show
Some old west stuff
Then you see a gas chamber
Execution in California
That dude is sweaty
He starts off
Not that sweaty
By the time he's walking
Into that gas chamber
He's like
His shirt changes colors
Bro
It's sweaty
Gas chamber execution
Is hard to fucking watch
You also see
Oh
Guy raped and murdered
An 84 year old woman
And I was like
Yeah that dude is sweaty
I think it showed two guys
And the guy that was getting
The one that you see
Going in the electric chair
So you see one guy
Get gas chambered
You see another guy
Get electric chair
I think I've seen
The electric chair one
Yeah
So he raped and murdered
An 84 year old woman
Like bro
I'm not going to say
What I was going to say
But electric chair
His eyes are taped to
His eyes are taped over
To prevent them from
Exploding out of their sockets
Well
That tape barely helped
Was my next note
Because you just see blood
And visceral pouring out of
The fucking
The taped sockets
This fucking music
53 minutes in
It's silly music
To be having
During an electric chair
Thing
You see an actual beheading
Which was fucking gross
Then Colt stuff
Wait which one
Not the
It wouldn't be that one
If you're thinking of
The Iraq one
We've all seen that
No no this is seven
Charlie Hebdo
Yeah this is like
Sawing the head off
Was different than the sawing
No this was
No this was like
Like a
Cognitine
No no this was
I think a machete
If I'm not mistaken
It's like someone chopping
Someone's head off
So okay
Then Colt stuff
I hate this so much
Is what I wrote
Colt drinking the blood
Of the corpse
So it just
It shows a Colt
They have a dead body
In front of them
And they're all just like
This is our guy
He's done so much for us
The Colt leader takes a knife
Cuts him from neck to fucking
Dick
And rips open the hole
And they all just start
Reaching in
Taking blood
Pouring it all over
Their naked bodies
That's where you see
Your titties Mike
And they just start
Fucking
It turns into a blood orgy
An actual blood orgy
And like at some point
The guy fucking
Makes the camera guy leave
As they're like
Getting into like the real
Is there like licking the blood
And visceral off their fingers
As they're like fucking
Each other
It's super gross
Christians just
Oh and I put
Oh then it just cuts to
Christians being Christians
And it's just like
One of those snake
Worshipping kind of ones
I guess
Where they pull the snakes
On they talk in tongues
And I get at the time
That's weird
But like it doesn't
Have anything to do with death
It's just like
I get for them
They're like
Look at these fucking weirdos
Right?
But we've seen that now
Played out so much
Oh they don't show them getting bit by snakes
Cause it's half
Oh yeah I think maybe it was
Maybe it did show that
Yeah
So then it shows
The building jumpers
The suicide
Oh then it has
Suicide circus music
While the building jumpers
Are jumping
It shows someone trying to
Cryogenic freeze themselves
That doesn't work
That they're dead
Yeah
But it does show
But it shows
I looked it up afterwards
And it's like
Everyone who's ever tried
Is dead
And it's like
Everyone who's ever tried
Is dead
And it's like
Everyone who's ever tried
Is dead
They all die
No one ever
Walt Disney's not coming back
Yeah
No they're dead
Like
Walt Disney's not coming back
Exactly yeah
But no one who's ever
Tried to cryogenically
Freeze themselves
Has ever lived through the process
There's a facility in Phoenix
That's freezing bodies
In case they find a way
To bring them back
But the whole problem with that
Is like
Your cells
You kill all the brain cells
When you freeze them
So I don't really know
If that's gonna work
Yeah and I would imagine
If a company ever came up
With the technology to
Resurrect
The dead
That
Why start with
Thousands of years
Or hundreds of years
Old frozen corpses
Why not
I mean I get that
We would have knowledge
That they would want
Eventually
But like
We have so much recorded data
You know what I mean
Like they don't need
A human being
To tell us what it was like
They just need a few
Hundred or thousand cell phones
To go through
And put that
Like put that up there
As like a
Find a VCR
Yeah anyway
We don't
Let's get into this
So someone tries to cryogenically
Sleep themselves
But it doesn't work
Then it shows
A really terrible death
Which is a cave explorer
Who
Broke his neck
And landed in
Like a little crevice
And it shows like
Two cave rescuer guys
Go down and like
See his fucking dead body
Down there
You see tourists
Tourists versus bear
But that might be staged
I don't think that the bear
It's just like
They're kind of
Fucking with the bear
Or whatever
And it's just a bad idea
Natural disasters is the next part
And I put not the movie
To watch after twisters
Burning building suicide jump
Oh so there was just earlier
Building jumper
Okay
So different building jumpers
Burning building suicide jump
Super sad
Pollution PSA
What the fuck
Jesus song
There is at one point
It's showing
Pollution's really the main killer
Of everybody
So we'll put a Jesus song
In the background
And talk about pollution
For a little bit
I'm like okay
What the fuck
And then
I believe children
Are the future
But it does
I guess it does
Bash the monkey
And eat his fucking brains
But then it cuts to
I guess that makes sense
Because it's like
We're damaging the planet
And then here's
A nuclear protest
So people protesting a nuke
Or a guy
Lights himself on fire
And dies from it
So you see that happen
Those giant
Those giant steel
Oh you know
When you drive
Well if you ever drive down
You see those giant steel titties
When you're going past
Like on the five
Down by the ocean
Heading to San Diego
Whatever
There's these giant
Steel titties
That you see
And you're like
You know
When you're going past
Like on the five
Down by the ocean
Heading to San Diego
Whatever
There's these giant
Dome titties
Like Mike you'd love it
They literally
They're huge
There's two
It's just two domes
Right next to each other
At titty length
And there's a little nipple
On the top of each one
And they're giant domes
I'll find a picture of it
But they're actual
Giant steel titties
And those are nuclear related
Because this nuclear protest
Took place right in front
Oh is that
Was it in
Was it in one of the
Beavis and Butthead movies
No I just
I was like
Oh those titties
They were like
I was like
Oh those titties
That was just news to me
It shows war footage
From World War Two
Some gross stuff
Nazi stuff
Lots of explosions
Concentration camp stuff
Then it shows starving
African stuff
Cancer stuff
Dog surgery
It shows a parachute
Not opening
Movie stunt gone wrong
From a movie
I think called
Hell's raisins
Right
That was a movie
raisins but left they left the accident in so they leave the so a car goes off of
the thing and like the guy the stunt driver dies from it but they left that
stunt in the movie because it like looked good so I was like I got to find
that that wasn't too far-fetched back then when Bruce Lee died filming that
movie they used footage from his actual funeral as like a way for the his
character to pretend that he was dead and they used Bruce Lee's actual funeral
yeah they did apocalypse now left the helicopter one. Yeah that's I mean easy that's a way to
fucking I guess save money guys it shows a train explosion full of corpses if you
just want to if you've needed to hit your I want to see all the corpses all at
once ratio instead of this you know sort of spread out version then we get the red
asphalt section of it where if you're unfamiliar with what red asphalt is it's
that movie they show you during driver's ed or at least back in the day they did
it just shows them scraping guts and brains off the sidewalk so you know wear
your seatbelt I haven't been able to smoke any weed during this I wrote
about two hours an hour and 35 minutes of this I'm like not once and I didn't I
don't think I'd smoked weed ever again then there's an airplane stunt that goes
wrong that's bad but then it shows the big like a 747 the aftermath of a
plane crash in a neighborhood where bodies were like
smashing through people's windows just hitting windows and then just guts
flying through and hitting families that were like in there like eating dinner
eating dinner or whatever it's just like like you it goes as it goes through this
horrific you just see literally puddles of intestines here you just see a leg
over here it's just it is it is human carnage on a scale that really
desensitizes it's like what can a Hollywood movie how can I go watch
Borderlands now that now that like I've seen the aftermath of a hundred and
forty nine people's bodies when a woman went to her door a body smashed through
the window and covered her in blood is what she says some of the people
involved in that are still seeing psychiatrists to this day just
puddles of guts and limbs strewn across the neighborhood then it shows after
that they're like all right well we need a little bit of a break so here's ghost
hunters an episode of early 70s ghost hunters it does like seance bullshit
that is a hundred percent like that is like they put a guy who lost his wife or
whatever in a seance and you get a really good actress who pretends that
all the shits happening that was spooked like not spooky but I was like they put
weird graphics on they even in the movie put some graphics behind it to make it
look more realistic so that's like whatever if that was a real guy if that
was a real guy not an actor what they did it was fucked up by making him think
that like his wife was telling him like it was it was his fault or whatever
like real fucked up and then it cuts to the end of the movie which is a live
birth and it gives the woman gives live birth and it starts playing happy music
she's with her baby just floating around in a pool it starts showing flowers and
animals a mom and a baby a beautiful sweepy music a moose comes by and blows
air out of his thing in front of a in front of a wonderful like like snowy
background and everything is okay it's what the movie want you to think it
gets zero out of five bottle puddles of guts and limbs it's a W- it's the worst
thing I've ever seen it desensitized me ladies and gentlemen I am
different now I now that I've seen actual guts and gore on that level well
now I know we can watch instead of terrifier what the faces of live yeah
oh my god I so want to just bring you into my hell right now pull it up and
just show you that fucking all those dead seals I'll just be like go can you play
that part again well one of my co-worker who's a horror fan I'm like honestly
just trying to decompress after watching it I was at work I was like oh god guys
I don't even know if I will never get it she literally hears all this she's like
can you put that on USB for me and I was like what she's like that sounds great
okay yeah I think that's so funny that you're so repulsed by it but you had to
sit there and watch it in its entirety yeah and then you're to your description
of everything is great like this would make a great series because there's so
many guys who do this well there's this guy plague moth he would like he would
blur it but he would watch it live like the cartel chainsaw video he'll watch
them and he'd just be like oh it's like a you hear that it's like a calm river
stream like you just cracking jokes the whole time but like the and there's so
many different guys there's like a guy who's just like very serious he's like
British very serious like in the video this happens and then this happens and
then they rip his heart out and the heart you could hear it you could hear
the machete against the spinal cord like shit like that but the fact I've never
seen one where a guy's just like fucking Jesus Christ like I'm sorry that I have
emotions is this this fucking this was gross dude and his faces of death
series yeah I guess look out for sound off in the comments how much you want
Andy to review all the faces of death videos I might have to in fact there's
time until this even releases that by the time this comes out I maybe could
just have the rest of them we have to live with you every day I don't know if
that's a good idea you know what listen you know how I am like somebody says
something that I kindly vaguely even think is interesting and you know I'm
gonna run with it full steam and I don't look back or even think about the
consequences so now ladies and gentlemen now that you've listened to this please
enjoy my review because I'm just gonna add it on to this of the next four faces
of deaths enjoy and ladies and gentlemen that's gonna do it for my guests while
they leave and I go on my fucking journey let's give it up for Austin if I
would you know what if so many monkey brains to be here he drove three hours
and crashed right before getting here and his just his brain it's just that
the pink of his brain is smeared on the fucking sidewalk of right in front of my
apartment barrel peace and we have Michael who if I saw him in the middle of
a fucking Korean barbecue style restaurant I would take a mallet and
happily crack open a skull then a waiter would have to come up and pick
little pieces of bone fragment out of it well I scooped it out I don't care if
anyone else like that I need every bite just to consume your essence Larson
we're sorry everybody and I'm Andy I will never be the same ever again rice
and this has been the first part of the of the torture porn faces of death review
please enjoy now we've been fried we've been rice we've been disgusted disgusted
enjoy the rest I hope I did it all right bye